Ow, My Raunch

by ComedyFirst

Rating: mature
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Sex, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, Discord, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna, Comedy
Length: 2522

Discord puts the Royal Sisters on trial for disturbing the peace. With antics.

Why does Twilight have Princess Celestia's private diary? Why did Princess Celestia attack Princess Luna in the night? Find out, in The Curious Case of Molestia v. Trolluna, or, A Burning Dawn at Midnight. Judge Discord presiding.

Warning: unreliable narrator (it is Discord, after all)

This is a comedic short story that includes lots of non-explicit sexual references and some implications of sexual activity. Rated mature, for puns and double entendre. NSFW (but you could probably get away with it because there are no naughty words).

Published 2021-09-23 03:20:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-09-23 03:20:00 UTC

The Trial That Never Ends

Equestrian Most Superior Court record no. 1701. Stenographer of record: Discord.
Record begins:

The tacky crystal table had been thrown out somewhere, replaced by elegant tiered seating for the trial. The two suspects - siblings, in fact, with long criminal records - sat despondently in separate cages on the floor. The beautiful and curvaceous partners in crime pouted adorably at the handsome judge, displaying no small degree of respect and attraction. Tall torches surrounded the walls, illuminating the proceedings in a flickering orange light. Around the prisoners, hundreds of angry Discords jeered and shouted in anticipation.

And I, the noble court reporter, sit in silence, recording every word and action with perfect impartiality and elegant prose, as befits my highly respected career choice.

"All rise! Court is now in session," declared the magnificent judge, his bedazzled throne towering over the riffraff. "His Most Excellency Sir Discord Q. Peabody III presiding. As witnessed by the Alicorn Twilight Sprinkles Sparkle, in her capacity as Princess of Reading, Trees, Ponyville, Friendship, Insufferability, Sometimes Crystals, and Magic."

"I am not!" declared the Princess of Insufferability, insufferably, "and I'm not playing your games today, Discord."

The audience booed loudly.

"And enscribed into the permanent public record of Equestria by the right honorable court reporter Discord the 17th jr. (third of his name)." Yours truly. "Snacks and catering services are provided free-of-charge by Sweet Apple Acres."

"That's just plum ridiculous! Y'all stole 'em right off the trees!" interrupted some liar covered in apple juice, before she was restrained and removed by the bailiff (constable D. Cord, of the Manehattan district).

"Now that we have finished the pleasantries,"proclaimed the judge in his profoundly sexy voice, "we will list the facts of the case." This announcement was met by thunderous applause from all involved.

Judge Discord banged his gavel for silence. "Today, the two horniest ponies in Equestria stand accused of disturbing the peace with their antics."

"Umm, Discord? I don't think that word means what you think it does-" complained the purple one.

"Of course it does! Look at them. Massive horns, right on the tippy-tops of their adorable little heads. The accused criminals are hereby identified as Princess 'Molestia' Sunbutt and Princess 'Trolluna' Moonbutt."

The assembled mob chanted "Jail! Jail! Jail for one thousand years!"

The sisters glared at the judge from their cages. The younger one (with the inferior posterior) rolled her eyes, displaying inexcusable disrespect for the judicial system. At this point, Princess Sunbutt impolitely attempted to interfere with proceedings.

"Discord, my name really is Celestia," said Molestia.

"You have no proof of that." Judge Discord unrolled a scroll, cleared his throat extravagantly, and began to read aloud. "The events in question occurred three days hence-"

"I think you mean three days ago," interjected the rude and wrong Princess of Insufferability. "Hence would be in the future." Which was wrong and false and insufferable and also wrong.

Nobly refusing to rise to the bait, the judge continued to speak. "Ahem. Three days before today, in the late evening. Within the castle Canterlot, in the highest tower..."

"The observatory?" Insufferable, am I right?

"In the second-highest tower of Canterlot Castle, Princess Sunbutt lounged in her boudoir, surrounded by the softest pillows and finest pastries. The candlelight glinted off of her statuesque figure, and her long ivory legs shifted distractingly as she stretched towards a distant cheesecake. A tiramisu hovered towards her lips, and caramel dripped erotically from the tip of her impressive horn. Her appealingly rounded flank-" Judge Discord skipped several dozen paragraphs with an awkward cough.

There was a prolonged moment of uncomfortable silence until the judge resumed. "As the uniquely sensual Princess relaxed in her intimate apartment, she received an unexpected letter, sent by magical means, from her prized student. The full text is as follows:"

The Princess of 'Friendship' squeaked and blushed, covering her ears.

"Dear Princess Celestia,

Thank You so much for allowing me access to Your own personal diaries!"

"How generous," commented the judge, smiling broadly at the sun princess, who declined to respond. "Unfortunately, Princess Sunbutt had not sent any personal diaries to her student. I wonder who might have done that." Moonbutt snorted and grinned.

"It's such an honor to be granted this extraordinary opportunity to learn Equestria's history from Your perspective. I especially value the magical research You've done regarding the benefits of friendship! Since receiving these invaluable documents, I've already planned out years - or even decades - of experimentation to perform!"

"Well that sounds very noble and scientific, doesn't it, Princess?" Sunbutt's incandescent embarrassment was a thing of beauty, and Moonbutt lost her composure completely, collapsing onto the floor of her cage in a fit of giggles. Shaking with uncontrolled mirth, Judge Discord bravely soldiered on, tears streaming down his face.

"In fact, I have already performed one series of experiments using a spell from your diary. Curiously, the spell in question appears to combine Starswirl's fourth postulate on vibrational amplitude modulation with the creation of resonance waves in living tissues. Does the spell have an official name? The title you included, 'Yes, Oh Yes, Big O,' does not conform to modern arcanic naming conventions, nor does it clearly describe the function of the spell. Nevertheless, this experiment did successfully inspire my friends and I to write an enthusiastic friendship report about our experiences."

The Princess of 'Friendship' turned even more purple and attempted to burrow into the ground, without notable success. The judge continued to read.

"Dear Princess Celestia,

This week I learned that my friends really, REALLY like it when I-"

A pair of golden spectacles appeared on Judge Discord's face, so that he could remove them seriously. Casting his gaze down across the audience, he spoke gravely. "It is at this point in the narrative that we meet the innocent victim. Me."

The crowd gasped in sympathy as Nurse Discord rolled Discord's wheelchair up to the witness stand. Discord was a pathetic figure, with every limb suspended in plaster casts, and one horn bent over at an awkward angle. He sniffled as he looked up at the magnificent judge's concerned expression.

"Are you quite alright, sir? Are you prepared to give your testimony against these truly wicked and irredeemable evildoers?"

"Yes, your honor, I'll do my best," whimpered Discord miserably, "After she read the letter, Princess Sunbutt started shouting."

The Sun Princess lept her bedchamber's open window to hover, glowing with arcane might, in the center of the castle courtyard. "LUNA!!"

The impact of Celestia's Royal Canterlot Voice shattered a four-million-bit stained glass window, inadvertently creating seven million bits worth of Official Princess-Made Sparkly Souvenirs.

Shadows emerged from the gaping hole, creeping along the castle walls. Princess Luna coalesced from the dark mists and matched her sister's stance.

"Didst thou require aught, o Diurnal one?" she asked casually, her mane twinkling in amusement.

"This." Twilight's letter, still held in Celestia's magical aura, grew brighter and brighter before exploding into flames. "YOU DID THIS!"

"Wait a minute, Discord," whined the purple one, who had recovered somewhat after her terminal bout of embarrassment. "How do you know what they were saying?"

"Well, my dear, I was there. I was in Canterlot Castle that fine evening. On unrelated business, of course," answered Discord with perfect sincerity.

"And what, exactly, were you were doing there?" the Princess of Insufferability demanded, rudely. "What business could you possibly have in Canterlot, in the middle of the night?"

"As a matter of fact, I was atop the wall, engaging in a bit of asstronomy."

"Wait, really?" The Purple Pony Princess was delighted, her momentary irritation forgotten. "I had no idea that you were an astronomer, Discord. That's wonderful! But why were you inside the castle?"

Discord grinned, eager to discuss his favorite hobby. "As a matter of fact, Princess Twilight, Canterlot Castle happens to be the very best place for a Celestial observer such as myself. The height of the walls allows for an unparalleled angle with which to observe a certain heavenly body."

"Oh yes! I believe that three nights ago was the full moon. Is that why you were up there? Or was it the meteor shower?"

"As a matter of fact, I certainly was keeping a close eye on a Princess's moon."

Judge Discord smiled indulgently. "Shared hobbies are all very well, but if we could please return to the matter at hand... ?"

"And what did I do to deserve your betrayal? Do you still harbor the same old resentments?" Celestia's eyes burned with rage as her temper frayed. "Am I speaking to my Luna, or to her Nightmare?"

"'TWAS A THOUSAND YEARS, SISTER! HAST THOU EVER GONE EVEN A THOUSAND MINUTES WITHOUT..." Luna faltered momentarily. "Ahem... Male companionship?"

Celestia flew higher and spread her wings wide, shining brilliant sunlight across the night sky. "So that's what you've been doing since your return? All those months hiding in your chambers... You've been reading my most intimate secrets and private memories? Poring over my sexual history!?"

The Princess of the Night regathered her strength and met her elder sister's eyes. "Well, yes. And catching up, of course. I'm an excellent multi-tasker."

"You had responsibilities. To your position. To Our people! In your absence, a changeling army practically destroyed Canterlot!" An uncontrolled blast of scintillating plasma blasted from her horn.

Luna flicked to the side, dodging effortlessly. "You had things well in hoof, I'm sure. Besides, I recall a time when you relished your little 'changeling incursions'. Last time, you were tied up and 'defeated' in less than thirty seconds, and wouldn't let us 'rescue' you for almost a month. What was that queen's name again?" Luna smirked at her sister's sudden blush. "You don't remember? Never mind... I'm sure it's written down somewhere. Perhaps you should ask Twilight!" She summoned dark shadows around her, obscuring her movements.

"You had no right to go behind my back to... To corrupt my personal student! GET YOUR OWN!" Celestia's explosive shout defoliated every shrubbery in the castle gardens and blasted Luna's shadows away. Several hapless guards ran for their lives.

A luminescent beam of moonlight streaked from the sky, sending Celestia spinning towards the battlements. "Corrupt? CORRUPT!? Bah! I am not the one who changed her name to Princess Salacia for three hundred years, relying on the absence of any standardized spelling reference to conceal the scandal from Our subjects."

Celestia landed heavily atop the wall, her eyes aglow. "THAT is BESIDES the point. WHY would you seek to EMBARRASS ME so?" The flagstones beneath her hooves began to bubble and melt away like wax in a furnace. "HOW DARE YOU!!"

"And, well, I don't remember any more," finished Discord. "I woke up at the bottom of the wall the next morning."

"Princess Celestia knocked you off the castle wall?" The shocked purple princess stared at Discord, wide-eyed.

"No, no." Discord shook his head emphatically. "Nothing like that, but she scared me quite terribly, so of course I tried to leave as fast as I could. Before the explosions started, you know."

Judge Discord nodded. "A reasonable response. And quite appropriate, given the situation. What happened?"

"Well, I tripped over my telescope." Discord gestured at his wheelchair with his immobile arms. "And the rest is history."

"I see. An accident, yes, but one that certainly would not have happened, if the criminals had not decided to hold a public brawl over their sexual misadventures. The court finds the defendants guilty. Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!" As the throng cheered wildly for this impartial justice, Judge Discord's throne began to recede backwards out a nearby window. "And we sentence you to... A timeout!"

With his business concluded, the righteous and honorable court reporter snapped his talons and abandoned the narrative, disappearing in a flash of light along with the rest of the court. Princess Twilight instantly charged after the Judge's retreating form.

"Discord! Wait! That was not a fair trial!" She flew through the window, continuing her tirade. "First of all, you are not a-"

Her voice faded into the distance, along with Discord's protestations. In the dark and silent castle, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna sat in their respective cages. The silence stretched out. Minutes turned to hours as they refused to meet each others' eyes.

"I... Don't think she's coming back," commented Princess Luna, hesitantly.

"This is all your fault, Luna."

"Well excuse me for having a bit of fun."

"You call this fun?"

"No."

"Are you still mad at me for sending you to the moon?"

"No."

"What you did was very wrong."

"No."

Celestia continued, patiently, and gently. "It hurt me, and it hurt Twilight."

"She doesn't know you," snapped Luna.

"Twilight? Of course she-"

"She knows the face you show the world. She puts you up on a pedestal. She idolizes you."

"Perhaps a bit, but Twilight is a smart mare. She understands that we all have our flaws."

"Intellectually, perhaps." Luna frowned at her big sister. "Tia, she think's you're a god. But we're not gods, none of us are - not even mom and dad. She's one of us now, and she deserves to understand that we're all just people."

"So this whole thing was... ?"

"I wanted her to confront the fact that you're a real person. With many virtues, yes, but flaws too. And kinks."

"And you couldn't do that without sending her my secret personal diaries full of... Erotic... Stuff... ?" Celestia trailed off, miserably.

"She trusts you absolutely. And I know you trust her. Do you imagine that she'd betray your secrets? In a thousand years? A million? A billion? When it's time for her to rule a planet of her own?"

"No, she wouldn't betray my secrets. But they were my secrets to reveal, not yours."

Luna sighed. "I'm sorry about that."

"Thank you."

"Wasn't it a little bit fun?"

"What?"

"Sparring with me. Cutting loose. Melting stone and shattering steel, just like in the bad old days, before we had to playact as peace-loving diplomats and gentle leaders."

"No! It's not an act, Luna, this is who I am," protested Princess Celestia angrily. "This is who I am."

"No, that's who Twilight thinks you are."

The two sisters continued to sit in the dark, resolutely staring in different directions. Discord and Twilight did not reappear, and the cages remained stubbornly shut.

"Big sister..."

"What do you want, Luna?"

"You didn't let me pack any toys."

"I... ? What?"

"The moon rocks chafed, big sister."

"Oh, Luna... I..." Princess Celestia eyes grew wide in horror. "I am so sorry..."

Author's Note

The original concept for this story (most of Twilight's letter and the battle dialog) was written five years ago (immediately after I watched season 4 or 5 iirc) and promptly forgotten. I found it recently and was amused, so I finished it.

If I write a chapter two to this, it would describe the Mane 6's experiment with Celestia's mystery spell.

Constructive criticism welcome. I have a couple more prompts that I might finish up if people like this one.