The Amazing Pony Cannon Ball to the Moon
Stuntmare Scootaloo, the Amazing Pony Cannonball to the Moon
Written by
N3k1dsk1llz
Commissioned by
The Wandering Commenter
The Cutie Mark Crusaders burst through the door of the Golden Oaks Library, scaring Twilight and making the fart she was holding escape. Loudly. “What the f- '' She was quickly cut off by the three fillies jibbering on about…something. They just kept talking over each other and Twilight couldn’t make heads or tails of anything that they were saying. She walked up to them, trying to calm them down.
“Girls, Girls, Girls, what is going-“ But they ran right past Twilight and up to her guest.
Then in complete sync and almost melodic harmony the three fillies addressed the regal mare in the room. “Princess Celestia, will you help Scootaloo learn to fly?!”
A look of surprise bloomed on the Royal’s face, soon replaced by a soft smile. She gave a gentle nod with her reply, “Of course, little Scootaloo. I’ll help you fly farther than any pony in history.”
Scootaloo’s eyes opened until they nearly took over her whole face. “Even farther than Rainbow Dash?”
Celestia chuckled, “Yes. Even farther than the fastest flyer in Equestria.”
The three little fillies looked at each other and squealed louder than they ever had before in their lives. Twilight felt her eye start twitching.
@==*
The three fillies followed Princess Celestia into the throne room. Their excitement was nearly matched by the expanse of the cavernous room. This being their first time, they were awestruck by the beautiful stained glass windows and the fountain running under the thrones. Of course, their amazement did little to quiet their voices as they continued chittering away like a flock of pullets. Celestia let them run around and explore as she walked to sit on her throne.
Well, she almost sat on her throne. The three fillies beat her to it and sat down as she got to the top of the dais. Their giggling started to grate as they jumped from her throne over to Luna’s. Her eye twitched. She was possibly reaching the end of her rope. Millenia of building her tolerance and patience, and these three fillies were threatening to break it in just a few short hours. She sat at her throne and pressed the button in the hidden compartment.
@==*
Scootaloo stared in awe at the massive cylinder in front of her. It reached nearly to the ceiling of the massive throne room. It was so awesome that the ringing in her ears from the ear-splitting screeching of ancient gears bringing it up from the depths of Tartarus was worth it. How did she develop such a good vocabulary? She shook her head to forget the thought. She didn’t want the girls to know she was smart. She needed to be cool like her hero, Rainbow Dash.
She tried putting on her best cool voice and failed miserably as her excitement crept into her question, “What is that, Princess Celestia?”
“That, My Little Scootaloo, is my Moon Cannon. I use it to shoot things to the moon.”
Applebloom’s bow bobbed into view, “Wow. You really send things to the moon with that?”
“Indeed I do. And today, I’ll be sending Scootaloo here.”
The three little fillies stared at their Princess with slack jaws and bug eyes. Celestia snickered a little and gave Scootaloo a wink. Then she lit up her horn, and Scootaloo suddenly found herself inside the cannon. She looked up to the top of the cannon, saw a tiny opening too far away for her to get to, and she screamed.
“Do not worry, Scootaloo. On the moon you will be able to fly freer than any pony here in Equestria. Lower gravity means more lift.”
Scootaloo could hear her friends getting excited. They were totally on board. She heard them shouting encouragement to her and praise to the princess. She calmed down just a bit, and the princess continued.
“In fact, you’ll probably get so good while you’re on the moon, if you get back to Equestria, you should be able to fly circles around your hero, Rainbow Dash.”
Scootaloo let that thought swim around her head for a bit. It was intoxicating. Being able to rival her hero was so much more than a dream, she had never even considered it. Then her brain finished processing the rest of what the princess had said.
“Wait, what do you mean if I get back?”
All she heard in reply was a chuckling princess and cheering friends.
“PRINCESS CELESTIA! What do you mean IF I get back to Equestria?”
“Scootaloo, I’m sure you’ll figure it out. If not, then you’ll be the most awesome flyer on the moon.”
Her friends began chanting, “Best flier on the moon! Best flier on the moon!”
Scootaloo felt her body going numb. She looked back to the end of the barrel, so far above her head. Equestria’s blue skies, usually so pleasant, filled the little filly with a horror she could never hope to describe. Then she remembered. She was supposed to be completely cool, like her hero. Rainbow Dash was too awesome to be scared of this. She was so radical, she would probably be laughing about it.
Princess Celestia lit the fuse and started a countdown with Applebloom and Sweetie Belle joining in. Scootaloo felt the laughter boil up from out of her gut and let loose with a wild bout of the sillies. Her laughter hurt her stomach and ribs as she exploded out of the cannon. The pressure of the air on her face pulled everything back. Her ears were nearly flat against her skull. Her purple mane stuck out straight behind her. Her cheeks were pulled all the way back, nearly covering her eyes. She knew she was laughing harder than she ever had before, but the air distorting her face so drastically made it nearly impossible to hear. Although, most of Equestria would spend the next week talking about the cackling orange blur they saw fly up into the sky.
@==*
A week later Princess Celestia held a National Address, inviting everyone from Equestria that was able to attend. The castle courtyard hadn’t been this full in a millenium. She stepped out onto her balcony to address the ponies. She hadn’t told anyone why the event was being held. She was surprised that so many ponies had come. She raised a hoof to quiet them down and she began to speak.
“Ladies and Gentleponies, I’ve brought you all here today to witness-“ An orange blur stopped her speech with a sharp hoof to her face as it flew by. The blur continued its path down into the courtyard causing all attending to flee for their lives. Celestia heard Wilhelm down in the crowd.
The orange blur landed causing an explosion of dirt, rock, concrete, feathers, and fur. As the dust cleared from the crater, a small orange filly with purple hair began to take shape. She was breathing heavily. Tears, snot, and drool were dripping down the angry snarl she wore.
“THAT WAS THE WORST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME, PRINCESS CELESTIA!!”
Celestia spat some shards of teeth out to the floor. She looked to the remaining ponies in the crowd and, through broken teeth, she triumphantly declared, “Ladieth and Gentlecoltth, Pleath welcome home our hero! Equethtria’th firtht athtronaut, THCOOTALOO!”
The crowd exploded into cheers and lifted Scootaloo above their heads and carried her through the city streets. The day was turned into a national holiday. Princess Celestia had to spend about half the royal treasury to get her teeth fixed.
Author's Note
The amazing concept for this story was provided by The Wandering Commenter.
This was super fun to write and has inspired me to try out some more comedy.
And here's a deleted scene. It didn't fit with the final result, but I like it enough to share.
