Drink-onequus

by Sensible Clutter

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Discord, Narcotics, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Fluttershy
Length: 1910

Discord informs Twilight he's never been drunk.

Discord informs Twilight he's never been drunk.

Published 2024-09-26 12:20:00 UTC
Last updated 2024-09-26 12:20:00 UTC

a horse-thing walks into a bar

"You know that's more of a griffon thing, right?" Twilight said, eyebrow raised.

"Even more reason to!" Discord exclaimed. He reached out and waved his talon in her face. "Look! I'm basically disrespecting my ancestors."

Twilight rolled her eyes and turned her attention back to her book.
"You precede any griffon in history by a rather large margin." She flipped another page. "It is also incredibly difficult to become inebriated as an equine."

"Rainbow Dash didn't seem to have any issues at your coronation. Or your second. Especially the second."

"Tempest challenged her to a drinking contest the second time." She didn't look up for even a moment. "And it was more of a symbolic promotion."

"Does it matter?" Discord scoffed. "Anyway, the fact that I, the all-out GOD of chaos, have never had what is essentially chaos juice has just got to be a crime."

"Wait." Twilight looked up from her book with a pause. "You've never drank. Ever?"

"Oh, of course I have, Twily dear. I've just never drank alcohol."

It was a typically quiet day at Fluttershy's typically quiet cottage.
Well, save for Discord's rambling.

"And that's how I got 10 even after dividing by 0."

But Fluttershy enjoyed his mini-monologues. She idly swirled her straw before taking a sip.

"But that's not even accounting for the 27 goats that were upset I still hadn't paid my bill."

Well, maybe the Moscow Mule was helping.

"What did you do?" She asked, knowing full well he'd have continued even if she hadn't.

"As I refuse to learn the ins and outs of money," he said with a look of disgust, "I conjured an apple made of solid gold and asked how big it should be." He chuckled a bit. "I sure hope 'the size of a house' was enough to cover 10 bits."

A bit of drink caught in her throat. "W-why, how ever did they manage to leave with that?"

"Well, I'm not so sure. You see, I was already late to pick up my dry cleaning. They must've managed a paltry one-bed, one-bath, having 27 of them and all." He waved his paw dismissively. "How hard could it be?"

Pushing aside thoughts of a house-sized golden apple lodged who knows where, Fluttershy took a long drink and nodded.

"Say, what made you take an iced tea instead of your traditionally brewed green today, Miss Fluttershy?"

"Oh, it's a mule. Did you want one?"

"I fail to see how your drink resembles the offspring of a pony and a donkey."

"A Moscow Mule -- the cocktail?" Fluttershy paused when he continued to look at her strangely. "Ginger beer and vodka? With lime?"

"A beverage from the lands of Minos? I've not heard of it."

"I think somepony in Las Pegasus created it, actually. They just named it that because of the vodka."

"And vodka is?"

"A clear liquor... Alcohol?"

"Al-co-hol?" Discord tapped his chin. "I can't say I haven't heard you ponies mention it once or twice, but I'd be fibbing if I said I knew what it was. May I try it?" He gestured at her copper mug.

"S-sure." She couldn't predict the joke that was surely impending.

Discord motioned for the drink to approach him at eye level before adding his own straw and taking a careful sip.

He instantly spat it out.

"Why are you laughing?"

"I am not laughing." She was.

"Oh, so the joke is on me, is it? Make Discord drink something gross and laugh day?"

"No! I- what?" Fluttershy flustered.

"It stings! My tongue stings! I expected better of a good friend. I bet that no-good rainbow-maned prankster put you up to this."

"Discord, I'm sorry if it was a little strong-"

"Yes, you should work on the weight of your pranks, dear. I'm a bit thin-skinned, you know." He crossed his arms and turned up his nose. "I'd better go give that friend of yours a talking-to." He shook his fist and vanished.

"...what?"

"You know, it's not that funny." Discord huffed. "I expected the multicolor flight hazard to laugh at me, but this seems beneath you, Princess."

"Okay, okay, sure. Not only have you never had an alcoholic beverage; you had no idea what alcohol is."

"Yes. Thanks for repeating me, Dr. Sparkle." Discord rolled his eyes. "Does it make you feel smarter when you do that?"

Twilight ignored him. "Tell me what happened at Rainbow's, then."

Discord rose through the floor of Rainbow's house, which wasn't as startling as he intended considering it was made of clouds.

"Jeez, dude. I just redid the floor," Rainbow Dash complained flatly from her couch. A farming game idled on her screen. "What do you want?"

"What do you want, you mean partly-green ill-spirited pranking machine? I know you talked our fluttery friend into poisoning me!"

"That was way too much, even for you. Can you just talk normal?"

"You got Fluttershy to trick me into drinking something nasty!"

"No, I didn't. And I'd never prank you anyway."

"Oh, don't give me that. I know you don't care about my feelings." He sniffed, arms crossed.

"No, dude. Because you're a huge overpowered baby. It's not exactly a fair fight." Rainbow rolled her eyes. "You'd probably steal my wings again or something. Also, I do care about Fluttershy's feelings."

"Well... explain the vitriolic beverage my very best friend served me today!"

"Look, I have no idea what you're talking about." When that didn't make him disappear, she sighed and paused her game. "Okay. What happened? She put something in your drink?"

"Yes, and she was really insidious about it, too. Really unlike her. She'd been pretending to sip at it all afternoon."

"Yeah, that... Really doesn't sound like her. You sure she did it on purpose?"

"She had to have. She made up this whole story about the drink and what was in it."

"That is way too elaborate for Fluttershy."

"I know! Which is why I know you put her up to it!"

"For the last time, dude. I did not get anyone to prank you." She rolled her eyes. "What exactly did she say?"

"Something about Moscow mules and how they're really from Las Pegasus. Honestly, I expected a better story from her. I make sense out of nonsense all the time and even I barely understood what she meant. But maybe it was meant to distract me..." He pulled at his beard in thought.

"Discord, a Moscow Mule is a totally normal drink. Do you just not like vodka?"

"I see how it is! You're continuing the charade! She mentioned that too -- Vod-ka. Guh." He gagged.

"Vodka's not my favorite either, but you're totally overreacting. Fluttershy just makes her drinks pretty strong, even for me." Rainbow smirked. "At Flight School, we were at this party and she gave me a purple Haytorade mixed with a TON of vodka. We'd run out of mixers, so we were just digging around in this guy's fridge for whatever. It looked AND smelled like hoof polish remover, but I still drank it. I puked so much when I got home, dude."

Discord was silent for a moment, much to Rainbow's surprise.

"I think I see what's going on here." He furrowed his brow and pointed an accusing claw at Rainbow Dash. "You ponies like to drink poison for fun!"

And with that, he snapped his claws in her face and vanished.

"And then I appeared here, in your lovely kitchenette." Discord bowed. Flowers and bouquets were thrown at his feet from just out of sight.

"I don't believe you for a second," Twilight said. "But it's hilarious that you think I'd fall for whatever this is."

"No, no. I'm really here looking in your fridge right now. Scout's honor!" He pressed his paw to his chest and saluted with his talon before returning to shuffling about her ice box. "Yeesh, did you know this expired a decade ago?" He tossed an unlabeled jar of an unknown substance over his shoulder, and neither of them saw where it landed.

"For one, alcohol is not 'chaos juice'. It doesn't introduce any chaos on its own. It slows chemical signals in a creature's brain, leading to things like poor balance, impulsivity, and delayed reactions. It's not a mind control potion that makes you do random things."

"Still sounds pretty chaotic to me!"

"But not the alcohol itself. Many creatures drink and don't become drunk. As I said before, it's pretty difficult for ponies to become inebriated. It's not a cost-effective way to unwind for most ponies. Ancient pegasi would drink to grand excess during wars against the Griffon Empire, but most ponies today will only have a small glass of wine for the taste. Not much chaos there."

"I feel like you're just telling me I need to hang out with griffons more."

"Discord, you don't even like it."

"Oh, so now you believe my story?"

"No, I believe you don't like vodka, or even alcohol in general. I can believe you've never heard of a specific mixed drink or even a specific liquor. Vodka was invented during one of your early imprisonments, for example. I don't believe you've no idea what alcohol is at all. What I think is that you've come up with an elaborate excuse to get me to drink with you. Everything else was only a distraction."

"... Why would you think that?"

"You thought I'd drink round after round with you to prove our tolerance, right? To get me drunk. Because you could conjure a beverage that could make any equine drunk quite easily, couldn't you? Even an alicorn?" Twilight finally closed her book and set it down. "I know you're too you to realize the implications of that, so what was your plan? Did you think you could top Rainbow's photos of me dancing? Finally, get me to sign off on that 'Zone of Unrelenting Chaos' you won't give up on?"

"'Zone of Unrelenting Chaos & Pizza Parlor!" He corrected loudly before quickly deflating. "And I, um. No. I don't know what you're talking about. Not one bit."

"Okay." Twilight pulled out a notepad and wrote: Discord consent education. "The answer is still no, by the way. Also, I hate drinking."

"Rats!"

Discord appeared in an obnoxious flash before Starlight and Trixie, who'd been having a lovely picnic by a lake. Before anyone could utter a word, he pulled out a very large parchment and tore it to shreds.

"That's the last time I try one of your ideas, you sorry excuse for a showmare! Consider our partnership over," he hissed before vanishing once more.

A shred of parchment landed at Starlight's hooves. "Zone of Unrelenting Chaos & Pizza Parlor & Magic Show?" Her confused tone turned to an audible grimace. "Trixie?"

"Trixie pleads the fifth," she said a bit too quickly.

"I don't know what you did, but I can ask Twilight if I can oversee your community service again." Starlight looked at Trixie, but she was already gone. "Oh, when I find that mare ..."

Author's Note

The world wasn't ready for entropy-style pizza anyway.

As for the others?

Trixie is no longer allowed to serve alcohol.

Rainbow Dash achieved farming perfection and cried when Applejack was not impressed.

Fluttershy continues to enjoy the taste of vodka. Gross.