Phoenix Submits To Equestria Daily.
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By Phoenix Quill
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“Equestria Daily. Truly, the paragon of exemplary news nationwide.
If it’s on the front pages of Equestria Daily, it's worth reading.”
A cobalt blue unicorn sat by the side of the road and looked up at the office space with a wide grin on his face. He was dressed in a black suit with a red cravat and top hat, a cape flowing down his back covering a red feather quill cutie mark. His red and yellow streaked mane and tail fluttered in the light breeze as he held a hoof to his chest feeling a sense of pride in his heart, “Yes, Equestria Daily, where anypony can become somepony if they have what it takes to cut the mustard, to write bold fiction about real heroes! THE EQUESTRIA DAILY, IS WHERE I, PHOENIX QUILL, SHALL-”
“SHUT UP IT'S FIVE IN THE MORNING!”
“BE QUIET I’M MONOLOGUING HERE!” he shouted back before adjusting his glasses and coughing into his hoof, “Equestria Daily, where I, Phoenix Quill, shall finally get recognized as Equestria’s greatest author.”
He sighed slightly, having had the “umph” taken out of his grand monologue from a random mare yelling out the window, “Crazy mare, ruins all my fun.”
A blue glow of magic enveloped the stallions saddle bags, as he checked one last time that his masterpiece, his great magnum opus was still in there. Seeing that it was he nodded and trotted up the rest of the way to the Equestria Daily building.
The blue stallion stood before the doors of the massive building, and looked at his reflection carefully, making sure that his glasses were straight, and his suit presentable. “O.K. gotta look my best, gotta act my best, gotta do my best to sell the best. Remember the plan, write the best story ever, submit it to the most popular newspaper to get free exposure, insert something happening here, and profit!”
He opened the door and trotted into the building with his head held high, and his best winning smile.
The lobby was pretty common fare for any business in Canterlot. Marble floors, a twenty foot high ceiling. A few couches and chairs centered around a magazine rack was to his left, with thankfully nopony waiting in them. His attention however went straight to the oak desk in front of him.
A sign hung on the front of the desk proudly proclaiming,
EQUESTRIA DAILY, INC.
OPEN 24/7
IN ALL MATTERS OF OPINION, OUR ADVERSARIES ARE INSANE
NO REFUNDS
Phoenix trotted up to the desk and looked behind it, hoping to find somepony there to act as receptionist, instead he found an empty swivel chair, with a taped on sign reading, “back, whenever.”
The unicorn looked at the sign, then around the rest of the room, then back at the sign. “Go away paper...nopony likes you.”
Phoenix raised his forehooves up to the counter and tapped on the desk as he waited, until a rhythm began to tap out. Soon he began to hum a famous guitar line, and could not help but begin to softly sing, “There’s a mare who is sure, all that glitters is gold and she’s-”
“HEY! Can't you read?”
Phoenix turned to the sudden shout to see a blue pegasus was pointing up to a small sign tacked to the wall just under the ceiling,
“NO stairway to heaven!”
Phoenix looked into the security camera pointed at the door, “No stairway, denied!” He turned back to the pegasus only to find out he was gone again.
“Oh what gives? Can I get a little service?”
“Well alright, but I must warn you, we don’t ship on Sundays.”
Phoenix turned to the desk to see the blue pegasus was sitting behind the desk with his forelegs behind his head as he leaned casually back into his chair, a small pile of empty soda cans littering the desk behind the counter.
“Wait, weren't you, and now your, how did you?”
“Its magic, I don’t gotta explain nothin’. Now, can I help you?”
Phoenix raised a hoof to protest that a pegasus couldn’t do magic, before he folded and plastered his best smile onto his face, “Hi, I’m Phoenix Quill.”
“Good for you.”
Phoenix’s eye twitched slightly, he smiled once again and continued, “I wanted to submit a story to your paper.”
The pony behind the desk blinked a few times, then gave off a wide grin. “Well then, thats different! Why don’t you take a seat, and I’ll find somepony that has the time to talk things over with you.”
Phoenix walked over to the seating area with a big grin on his face, “Alright, great! I'll just wait here then.”
The pegasus walked around the desk as he smiled, “Yes, you do that. I’ll go upstairs really quick, and find a pre-reader that isn’t busy. Just wait here, and I’ll be back as soon as possible.”
The elevator doors opened, and as the blue pegasus went inside. He gave Phoenix a very wide smile before the doors shut to take him up.
Phoenix looked above the elevator doors for a moment, and watched as the numbers flashed in a random order, before stopping finally on the seventh floor. “Weird.”
The unicorn sat down on a couch, crossing his hooves over each other as he leaned against the arm, and waited...
“I wonder how long it will be.”
An hour later, “Where is anypony?”
Another hour later...
DING! “*Snort*- I’m up! I wasn’t sleeping!”
Phoenix looked around the room and saw somepony in a maid outfit emptying a trash can.
“Grrr. When is he coming back!”
The maid looked over at Phoenix, “You looking for somepony?” that's when Phoenix noticed, that the pony in the maid outfit, was in fact a stallion.
“Whoa! Gah, what are you doing dressed like that?!”
“Look, buddy, I didn't choose this outfit, and I can’t get it off, so just back off ok?” The stallion huffed, and walked through a door.
“Hey wait! Can you tell me when that guy is coming back?”
The door slam echoed through the room, finalizing how alone he was once again.
“Oh come on!” Phoenix got out of his seat and galloped across the room to the desk, and looked behind it, just to see if somepony was there. “Nothing.”
He snorted, and flicked his tail as he walked back to the waiting area. He stood and tapped his hoof against the floor, staring off into space.
“Maybe a magazine while I wait.”
“Good idea Phoenix,”
“Thank you Phoenix.”
“You are brilliant.”
“You're talking to yourself,”
“Shut up.”
Phoenix Quill spun the magazine rack, eyeballing different issues of magazines, looking for anything of interest.
Most of the magazines proclaimed articles for how crops were doing, what celebrity that he never heard of were up to. However, one in particular caught his eye.
Luna gone mad!
Our beloved princess of the night, claims to bring nighttime eternal! Celestia flees to the mining village of Canterlot! What will happen to the rest of us?
Also, Five ways to keep your stallion from leaving you.
Phoenix blink blinked at the magazine, turned the rack a few more times to see if there was anything newer than a thousand years ago.
There wasn’t.
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Two Hours Later...
Phoenix was leaning back in a chair, his limbs splayed about, glasses askew and tongue hanging out of his mouth as he openly snored.
The elevator doors smoothly slid open, and two ponies stepped out.
“Wow, he’s still here.”
“Should we... Do something?”
Aqua looked over at Polecat with a mischievous grin, “Get the airhorn.”
Polecat snickered to herself as she went behind the desk and found said item under a pile of empty cheese puff wrappers.
The two ponies quietly as possible snuck over to the sleeping unicorn on the tips of their hooves. Aqua leaned close with the airhorn, and placed the open end close to Phoenix’s ear, Polecat covered her ears as Aqua pressed down on the
button.
*pssshh*
“Looks like its out.”
Polecat rolled her eyes, “No kidding, really?” She leaned close to Phoenix and yelled, “TO THE MOON!”
“SEND MY COUSIN!” Phoenix lept from the seat and stood on his hind legs only to fall back onto his haunches.
Polecat held a hoof to her mouth in an attempt to hide her grin, as Aqua offered a hoof to Phoenix to help him up, “Hey there, welcome back to the land of the living Mister Quill.”
Phoenix yawned as he stretched his limbs on the floor, popping his back and neck a few times before standing straight and adjusting his glasses, “Morning. I was hoping to submit a story to you guys.”
Aqua smiled at Phoenix and Polecat, “Well, I think I will let you handle this Polecat. If you need me Phoenix, my name is
Aqua, and I’ll be at the front desk there. Good luck!”
“Thank you Aqua,” Phoenix turned to Polecat, “well then, shall we get going?”
Polecat rolled her eyes, fixing her best plastic smile to her face for the writer, “Yes, but before I look at your story, let's go ahead and get a cup of coffee, and perhaps a muffin for while I read this hmmm?”
Phoenix yawned into his hoof, then nodded his head, “Coffee sounds great.”
Polecat and Phoenix walked into an elevator. Phoenix stood in the back as Polecat pressed the button that said, “Office” on it.
“Which office level will it take us to?”
Polecat looked back at the unicorn with an annoyed gaze, “I don’t know, we’ll see when we get there.”
The numbers above the sliding doors began to light up at random, as the elevator began to feel like it was shaking up and down. Phoenix was grabbing onto the rail on the wall like his life depended on it, while Polecat had a bored expression on her face.
The shaking finally came to a stop. A small *ding* sound went off as the elevator doors open to reveal, “Celestia damn this elevator! We are four floors off!”
Phoenix looked at the room to see ponies galloping everywhere through a maze of cubicles that seemed to stretch on forever. A towering stack of paperwork moving slowly across the room suddenly collapsed on itself was followed by a cry of “PONY FEATHERS!”
Polecat exited the elevator. Phoenix regretfully followed into the chaos.
“Is it always like this here?”
“No, usually its not this organized.”
Phoenix followed Polecat closer in hopes of not losing her in the oncoming paper tornado.
The two ponies entered a doorway, and climbed up four flights of stairs, coming out into another office space. This one was in surprisingly, MORE catastrophic state than the last one.
Phoenix tried to put on a brave face, but could not help but shiver, as he wondered what mental institution some of these ponies came out of.
Suddenly there was a cry of, “I CAN’T TAKE IT ANY MORE! THESE BAD FANFICS, THEY ARE TEARING ME APART!” Followed by the crash of a pegasus jumping out a window, to fly off into the sun.
“Alright, odds are 10 to 1 on him coming back! Who's up for a bet?!”
Phoenix followed Polecat into a door labeled simply, “Break Room” and felt slightly better when the door shut, allowing the cacophony to be shut out by a thick door.
Polecat had a bored look on her face as she went over to the coffee pot, “So, how do you like your coffee?”
Phoenix shook his head a few times to try and adjust his mind to the shock of being in such chaos, and then thrust back into a very normal environment. “Uhhh... In a cup.”
She rolled her eyes, and turned the ignition key to the coffee machine. Revving up the V8 engine, she shifted gears and floored the gas, forcing coffee to pour into the pot at 30 miles per hour.
Phoenix nervously searched in his saddlebags for his favorite coffee mug, and pulled it out. Polecat poured herself a few drops of coffee and mixed it with warm water and cream and sugar before she grabbed herself a muffin and waited for Phoenix.
Phoenix’s magic glowed around the coffee pot, and he nearly filled the mug to the brim with coffee, leaving a little room for creamer.
“Umm, I don’t think you should pour yourself that much coffee, this stuff is rather strong.”
“Hey, if there is one thing I know,” Phoenix said as he began to pour some powdered creamer into the deep black colored liquid, “Is how I like my coffee.”
The powdered creamer hit the coffee with a hiss, and it suddenly jumped back out of the cup, whimpering and yelping like a hurt dog as it crawled away on the floor and jumped out an open window.
“Huh, thats something you don’t see everyday.”
Polecat looked at her own cup with a sigh, “Oh but I do, again, and again.”
“Right, well... Might as well drink it black then.” Phoenix lifted the cup up to his mouth and inhaled the scent deeply before sipping, “I hope this tastes better than it smells.”
Pole was picking her way through a magazine as she sipped her own coffee, “You drinking or smelling?”
Phoenix rolled his eyes as his magic lifted the cup to his muzzle to take a sip, only to find the coffee was gone.
“Huh? Where did it...” he looked at the bottom of his coffee mug to see that there was a hole burnt out of the bottom. “Go?”
The unicorn looked at the floor to see the bubbling black liquid hissing on the linoleum floor. An acrid smoke rising into the air as it ate a hole in the floor.
Phoenix and Polecat backed away from the spot to watch as it ate through the floor, splashing the the level below, shortly followed by somepony screaming “IT BURNS! GET IT OFF!”
Polecat gave Phoenix a stern look, as he leaned down at the poor pony below trying to wash it off of himself. “Sorry down there.”
Polecat gave off an exasperated sigh as she rubbed the space between her eyes with a hoof. “O.K. I am going to give you a muffin Phoenix. Can you try and not blow us up with this, and just eat it like a normal pony?”
Phoenix smiled sheepishly as he threw away his coffee mug. “Actually, I prefer cupcakes over muffins if its available.”
Polecat looked at Phoenix with a look of shock, “How dare you! You disgust me.”
Polecat left the room in a huff, “Don’t you dare leave this room, I am going to get somepony else.”
Phoenix watched as Polecat left the room and slammed the door after her. “What did I say?”
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Fifteen minutes later.
Phoenix was sitting on one of the couches as he absentmindedly twirled his pocket watch around on its chain.
The door opened again, and Polecat came into the break room with a slight frown. “Here he is. Phoenix Quill, this is Tempest, Tempest, Phoenix. Tempest will be reading your story.”
Phoenix stood up and went to shake hooves with Tempest, “Hello.”
Tempest looked at the hoof and then back at Phoenix, “I should hit you for liking cupcakes.”
Phoenix looked at him for a moment, “I don’t get it.”
“Never mind. Follow me.”
Polecat went over to the refrigerator and pulled out some milk as Tempest lead Phoenix to his office space.
One short trot through insanity later...
“So, tell me, what is this story about.”
Phoenix shuffled his hooves a bit as his magic brought out the story for Tempest to look at. “Well, I think that I can say with no room for error that this is truly my greatest work so far in my life.”
Tempest leaned over his desk as interest began to take hold, :”Really? Well then, at least you have confidence in yourself.”
The light blue unicorn sat down in front of the desk as he passed the story over to Tempest, “Yes, I put all of my effort into this story. After reading several others in the past, I found what was the most popular stories, and used these ideas, mixed and matched them together with some of my own, to make this story, The Best Fic Evah!”
Tempest took the story in his own magic and began give the story a few notes immediately, It was heavy, and a few hundred pages long. He flipped through the whole book quickly to make sure that they all had text. “O.K. Before I read this, can you give me a description of the story, so readers can know what they are in for before they read it if we publish this?”
“Well, a creature called a Human, is a fan of what they call a television show in his universe, about the heroic Elements of Harmony. One day he suddenly finds himself in the world of Equestria as a black and red alicorn stallion named Gothic McEmo, and he decides to fulfill his dream of becoming Fluttershy’s love interest. But darker forces at work have plans for Equestria, and its up to McEmo to save the day! Can Gothic McEmo become the new hero of Equestria, and will Fluttershy ever truly be able to love him? Find out in, dot dot dot, The Best Fic Evah!”
Phoenix smiled at Tempest, feeling without a doubt that this story would be the most popular thing ever to grace the front pages of Equestria Daily. As Tempest finished writing down the story description, he felt his eye give an involuntary twitch.
“Right... Give me some time to read what is here. You can go home if you want, wait in the lobby downstairs. Or find a chair outside this room, but I need to concentrate if you are to have a fair chance.
Phoenix thought about it for only a moment before deciding, “I’ll go grab that chair,. If thats alright with you.”
Tempest nodded as Phoenix went out the door.
Phoenix looked around and found a wooden chair in the corner. Using his magic he brought it over so it was right next to the office door. He sat down and waited, an ear perked so he can listen to Tempest’s reaction.
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Twenty Minutes Later...
Tempest was in a whole new state of shock.
It was bad. Very very bad, quite possibly the most conceited, self centered, pandering, over descriptive, Gary Stu having, never seems to be ending, piece of tripe that he has ever been forced to read this morning.
Also, the plot sucked. And he was only through the first 4 pages.
Tempest felt his eye twitch and his ear flick on its own accord. “What do I do? A lot of effort has clearly gone into this. I should flunk this. Maybe its so bad, its good? I need another opinion.”
Tempest pressed his hoof on the intercom button, “Get me Cereal Velocity.”
A few moments went by before a voice crackled over the speaker, “Hello?”
“Hey, Cereal? I need help with a fic.”
The sound of a crash came over the intercom as Cereal knocked over a tower of paper as he shifted in his seat, “What for? Can't you just pass or fail it on your own?”
“I would, but this thing... I think it needs your attention.”
A sigh came over the speaker, “I’ll be right over.”
________________________________________________________________________________
Phoenix sat nervously in his chair.
It has been over an hour since Tempest first called Cereal into the mix, since then around a half dozen ponies had entered the room.
Phoenix listened as well as he could to the sounds emitting from the room, ponies rapidly talking to each other, often punctuated by loud and sudden laughter, and then near silence as somepony read the story to the others in the room.
Phoenix was nervous and it showed. His glasses were foggy from the amount of sweat coming off his face and evaporating into the air, catching onto the inside of the glass.
He cleaned his glasses on his cape once again, and wiped the sweat off his brow as he tried to act casual.
Suddenly all the noise stopped. The door opened and all the ponies walked passed Phoenix, without so much as a glance at him.
Phoenix began to wonder to himself “What in the name of hexagon is going on here?”
“Phoenix, sir?”
The blue unicorn looked up to see that Tempest was standing before him, with an uneasy smile.
“Soooo, What did you think? Pretty good huh?”
Tempest looked at Phoenix, who was all smiles. Sure as sugar is sweet, he was about to get his first taste of fame.
Tempest looked down at him, then gave off a sigh. “I hate to be the one to say this, but I honestly don’t think that we can publish your story.”
Phoenix’s face fell from the shock those words contained. “What? Why? What could possibly be wrong with it!?”
Tempest gave off a sigh, as he tried to look everywhere but at Phoenix himself, “Look, I hate to be the bad guy, but... You lack any kind of formatting, and tend to jump from place to place, and character to character. You use the wrong words and often times forget to even do something as simple as add an apostrophe making the context weird. The story itself is so bad that if I did not know better, I would think that it was a parody of all the bad stories we seem to get or you can find over at FIMFiction. You are severely lacking in the show vs tell department. Nopony likes a Mary Sue, or in your case Gary Stu character, and lastly, this story is borderline clop fiction, and Equestria Daily does not publish clop.
Phoenix tried to stand up, but his legs seemed to have turned into rubber, “What about the others, what did they think?”
Tempest put on his best sorrow filled face that he could as he sat on the floor by Phoenix, “Well, that's the thing. I brought them in to see if we could publish you as a comedy, or perhaps see if somepony would want to read it at all. I really did want to give you as many chances as possible. Unfortunately, they all had the same opinion as me. And since a total of seven pre-readers reviewed your story... I am afraid that this counts as over three strikes out for your story... Even if you fix it to our standards, we can never publish that story.”
Self pity took a hold of Phoenix’s heart for a few moments before he asked. “Where is the story then?”
“Well, we are going to put it out of our misery...”
“You don’t mean! NO NOT MY BABY I ONLY HAVE THAT ONE COPY!”
Tempest backed away from Phoenix, “Now Mister Quill, calm yourself! Or I will have to forcefully eject you from the building and place a two month ban on you!”
Phoenix rose up to his full height, a phantom wind blew his coat tails of doom, “HEY I AM A SELF INSERT EVERYTHING IS SUPPOSED TO GO MY WAY!”
Tempest continued to back away from the mad unicorn, “Nooooo, you are crazy if you believe that. Besides, if you were you would be a parody of a self insert.”
The tantruming unicorn glared at Tempest, “And. Just. What. Is. THAT supposed to mean?!”
“It means, I can do... THIS!”
Phoenix looked at Tempest to realize that he had been edging his way over to a giant lever with a yellow knob on the end sticking out of the wall. Like the arm of a slot machine he had pulled it down opening a trap door beneath the raging wordsmith. He looked down into the gaping hole in the ground, “Oh poopy doopy.”
Phoenix fell down the hole, screaming the entire length of the chute. Until he came out of the side of the building, falling into a dumpster full of spoiled food.
Quickly as he could, Phoenix climbed out of the dumpster, and tried to brush the cake frosting off of his favorite top hat. He turned up to face the building and shook a hoof up at around the area where he knew Tempest would be, “I’ll be back someday! You'll see! I’ll write a better story!”
Grumbling, and covered with garbage the blue pony walked slowly out of the alleyway, “I’ll be back, with an even better story, better than Past Sins, and Fallout Equestria combined.”
As Phoenix placed his top hat back on his head he began to wonder, “What will they do to my story anyhow? Burn it? Use it to level a crooked table?”
*BOOM!*
The sound of a cannon, inconceivable to the mind of Phoenix suddenly filled the air as it launched his story along with others to the far side of the moon. Phoenix felt his eye twitch as he heard Sethisto shouting over the Canterlot cityscape,
“BEE-YETCH!!!!!”
Phoenix walked home in a slump, by the time he had reached the south end of the city, the so called Slum of Canterlot, he had spent a lot of time contemplating how he could do better.
By the time he climbed thirteen flights of stairs to reach his studio apartment, all he wanted to do was sleep.
Phoenix slammed the door behind him as he assessed the space. A mattress on the floor, and a typewriter on a desk. Empty Parasprite soda cans and old news papers littered the floor. A stack of clean paper sat by the typewriter.
Phoenix slumped onto the bed and breathed out, feeling instantly itchy as the bed bugs came in for the easy meal he made of himself. “No matter, it was just a first attempt. I can write another story. I just need a bit of time.”
Phoenix’s blue magic aura enveloped his bed as he picked all the bed bugs off and cast a spell so they teleported off to his jerk of a neighbor’s apartment, “Just think of it as a warm up. after all there is always the...”
________________________________________________________________________________
“Second Try.”
It has been one week, and four days since Phoenix was, rather embarrassedly, ejected from Equestria Daily.
Phoenix trotted up the road to the office space. This time he decided to forego trying to impress the staff with his fancy clothes and instead decided to wear nothing.
Just incase they wanted to throw him into another dumpster.
His eyes slid nervously behind his glasses as he walked into the lobby, keeping on guard as he held his story in his magic, hoping to protect it by keeping it in sight.
Phoenix walked up to the oak desk, behind it, a cream colored mare with black hair smiled at him, “May I help you?”
“Yes, I am here to see if I can get this story published.”
The mare gave off a coy smile at Phoenix, “Name?”
“Phoenix Quill.”
“One moment.”
The mare opened a drawer and looked at a list of names placed inside. She ran a hoof down the list of names looking for Phoenix. She found it shortly, between Pen Stroke and Cards Lafter’s names.
She lifted Pen Stroke to look underneath to read Phoenix's information, In bold letters it exclaimed,
*“Call security, on probation until November.”*
Phoenix gave a smile at the mare, as she smiled back at him. She laughed softly and pressed a button.
Phoenix winced as a door slammed open. He did not know what to truly expect when a hoof clapped him on his shoulder.
“Phoenix. Nice to see you again. But you are on probation! Surely you know that you can’t submit a story until it is over.”
He turned slowly, and saw Aqua smiling back at him, “Now I know you feel a bit rejected... But you gotta follow the rules, come on. I’ll take you out.”
Aqua began to push on his back, sliding him to the door. Phoenix dug his hooves into the ground as he tried to talk him out of it. “Wait, I learned my lesson, really! I listened to you guys, I wrote something new! I swear it’s up to snuff! You don’t have to publish it now, but maybe you can look at it and hang on to it?”
Aqua kept trying to push Phoenix out the door, “Do you want somepony to call the actual security guard here? I’m doing you a favor. Trust me!”
The light blue unicorn felt his hoof hold slip out from under him as Aqua kept pushing. Phoenix fell on his back and looked up at the darker blue pegasus, “Please, I have another copy of this at home, just can’t you give it a tiny look?”
Aqua rolled his eyes as he looked down at Phoenix, “One moment.”
As the darker blue pegasus went over to the counter, Phoenix got back up onto his hooves. He was quick to follow, story floating beside him.
Aqua was talking into a phone behind the counter, mumbling yes and no answers for a few moments.
Phoenix lay the story down on the desk as he waited.
After a few moments Aqua hung up the phone, “Phoenix, I am sorry but management says that I have to evict you out of the building.”
Phoenix’s eyes widened in terror, “You're not going to open another trap door, are you?”
Aqua laughed as he backed away from Phoenix like he had a disease, “Are you kidding? This is the ground floor! We don’t want you in our basement. Just out.”
“Look I can just walk out.”
“I am afraid, that you can not just walk away from Equestria Daily. No, that would just be too easy on ponies like you.”
As he said that, Phoenix found out why Aqua gave him so much space so quickly.
A door opened to Phoenix’s left, revealing a wolf, dressed in typical rent-a-cop uniform, snarling at him.
He froze as the wolf stared him down. Terror gripped Phoenix deep down in the cockles of his heart as the wolf pounced straight for him.
The blue unicorn gave a whiny as the wolf landed on him. Wrapping his forelegs around his neck and digging his clawed paws into his chest and back. “Are you going to give me trouble Mister Quill?”
“Oh Celestia, a talking wolf. And it knows my name! Oh by the moon don’t let him eat me, by the sun don’t let him eat me...”
Phoenix shook his head, “No sir, no trouble at all!”
The wolf snarled as he pulled Phoenix’s head back to look him in the eye, “Good, now continue to be a good pony, and maybe we will let you back in after probation. Till then I don’t want to hear that you were here at all. Got it?”
“Yes! I got it, oh by Luna please don’t eat me!”
The wolf gave a deep growling laugh, “Not today, but don’t press your luck and come back before you should.”
With that the wolf mare handled Phoenix to the revolving doors and threw him out into the street. “Now go home!”
Phoenix didn’t need telling twice and set off for the south end of town as fast as his legs could carry him.
The wolf reentered the building with a sigh. “Stupid author.”
“Nice work Keiro! You think it worked?”
The wolf nodded, “Should scare him straight, make him think twice about doing stupid around here again.”
________________________________________________________________________________
Phoenix wandered the streets of Canterlot, not quite feeling like going home. His mind constantly ticking away different ideas.
“Perhaps I should just wait things out.”
“No no Phoenix, you don’t have the time for that! After all, you can write good. They just don’t know it yet.”
“Well me, they kicked me out! And with that wolf playing rent-a-cop odds are in favor that I would get eaten if I even set hoof in there! What do you suggest I do huh?”
“You got a Good Enough Diploma from high school, think! There are more ways into a building than waltzing in the front door.”
“Yes... perhaps a disguise would do the trick. Change my name and dye my mane.”
“Now thats using the ol’ ticker. Come on time to get to work.”
“Thanks Phoenix! What would I do without you?”
“Talk to other ponies instead of yourself like a mad pony?”
“For the last time, I am not insane, no matter what you think!”
“Keep telling yourselves that.”
“Psh, normal is a state of mind.”
“Hey shut up third party part of my mind! Nopony cares about what you think!”
Phoenix nodded to himself, as he decided that the voices in his head must be correct. And decided to enact his third attempt with a grand disguise.
After his shift ended at the airship docks.
Phoenix felt pretty good about himself as he walked into the office to clock in. He walked over to his locker and started to put on his uniform. Then froze, his eyes widened as he realized, “I FORGOT MY STORY ON THERE DESK!”
________________________________________________________________________________
Third Try
Phoenix chuckled deep down in his throat as he carefully wrapped up his third story attempt inside his saddle bags.
He quickly looked in the mirror to make sure that nopony would recognize him.
His coat was dyed a deep dark purple, and he had dyed his mane pitch black with blue stripes, his glasses were discarded for contact lenses. His horn was carefully hidden in his mane.
“Somethings missing,” Phoenix mused as he looked himself over, “But what? I hid my horn, changed my color... what could possibly be missing?”
He looked down at his bed and saw the fake pegasus wings he had made, and smiled, “Of course...” He strapped on the wings and threw on a shirt to cover the belt holding it in place.
“And now for the piece de resistance!” His magic enveloped a fake mustache as he placed it onto his face. “Perfect, I am now... Steam Shine from Cloudsdale!”
It had only been a full day since Phoenix was unceremoniously taken from the building by Keiro the rent-a-cop, but he was sure that with this disguise he would even fool him.
Phoenix looked in the mirror one last time to make sure that his horn was fully hidden by his mane and gave a little laugh to himself, “Yes, this is going to be perfect.”
________________________________________________________________________________
Phoenix stepped up to the revolving doors of Equestria Daily, quickly spinning his way in.
“Hey there how you doing? My name is Steam Shine and I...”
The lobby was empty.
Phoenix gave off a sigh and walked over to the counter. He peeked over and saw nopony there again.
“Drat! Drat! And double drat! Foiled again by absolutely nothing. My worst nemesis!”
Phoenix started to head out the door, when he heard a door creak open. His ears perked up as he saw somepony walk over to the counter and sit behind it.
Immediately, the disguised unicorn ran over and smiled, “Hi can I submit my story?”
“I need your name, story name, and plot please.”
Phoenix smiled, he was so in! “My name is Steam Shine, the story is called, Granny Smith and the Wizard of Menlo Park, It’s about how as a filly, she gets sucked up by a magical storm that takes her to the human world and an inventor tries to use her to dispose of his rival Tesla.”
The mare behind the counter nodded, “Well that sounds great! But hey, listen due to security reasons lately, we need to have our guard give you the once over to make sure you are who you say you are.”
Phoenix felt sweat begin to form on his brow as a door slammed open. The wolf sauntered over and leaned behind the counter.
“Hey Nobel Cause, I see you are working the desk this morning. How are things?”
Nobel Cause smiled, “Good, good. Yeah I volunteered so I can get away from the bad stories I have been getting lately. Anyhow, mind giving this stallion the once over Keiro?”
The wolf snorted a bit as he nodded. He raised his paws up and patted the author in disguise. Sniffing all the while.
Finally Keiro stopped, “This pony is not who he says he is.”
Phoenix felt his heart pound as the long ignored voice of reason, in his head began to sing “I told you so!”
“What do you mean, I’m Steam Shine, a pegasus from Cloudsdale.”
Keiro raised a paw to his muzzle and smiled, “Ok then, flap your wings and fly.”
Phoenix froze, his mind raced to try to come up with an excuse.
“Oh, uh I can’t... I injured my wings recently. Doc said to keep off of them for a while.”
Keiro gave off a sigh as he face pawed, “Alright, drop the act Phoenix. I know its you. I can smell your scent under all that dye in your coat.”
Phoenix looked left and right, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
His mustache fell to the floor.
Phoenix gave a nervous grin as he began to compulsively back up, “Wait, I can explain that... HEY LOOK A MOOSE!” He pointed a hoof to a corner of the room.
Keiro ignored the bad distraction and smiled wide, showing all of his teeth to the busted unicorn, “Well, since you won’t listen to my advice, I am afraid that I am going to have to promote your status out of probation to,”
“Off probation?” Phoenix said hopefully.
“No, as of now you are on... Double secret probation!”
“NOOOOO! Wait, what does that mean?”
Keiro chuckled to himself as he pressed a button on the counter, “It means, in short, don’t call us, we'll call you.”
A panel popped open on the counter to reveal a giant spring loaded boxing glove, hurtling its way to Phoenix at top speeds,
“Oh obscenity...”
The glove made contact with Phoenix, sending him flying towards the revolving doors. Upon contact he spun through them at top speed, becoming a purple blur to all who witnessed the sight.
Keiro jabbed a paw on the revolving door bringing them to an instant stop, sending Phoenix flying outward and upward over the Canterlot sky. Screaming like a mare.
________________________________________________________________________________
Steam Shine looked at the picture of his family he just hung on the wall over the mantle, “Perfect! Now truly I can feel at home! After carefully placing my priceless Faberge egg collection on this pre Nightmare Moon era antique side table, under a precariously placed shelf holding the worlds only example of my finest achievement, the automatic cloud maker for non pegasi! And with its highly over compressed steam pressure that could explode if jostled at even the slightest speed that can be reached from there to the floor, surely destroying not only myself, and all my extremely expensive family heirlooms that were given to me by my mother, but this truly priceless painting of my entire family, with my Mother, Brother, And even my Father who disappeared during a secret mission for the princess in gryphon country shortly after this portrait was finished. This truly is the best way to get feng shui and show that I have mastered the balance of peace with my life. Surely.”
The dark purple pegasus turned around when what sounded like a mare screaming caught his attention, “What in the name of the sun is that?”
Steam Shine heard the scream get louder, followed by a loud bump against his wall.
Nothing happened, nothing moved, shook or even seemed to have noticed that something had slammed against the wall
outside. “Well that’s anti climatic.”
Suddenly a pony that looked like his clone popped his head in the open window, “Hello! Wow, you have really nice things.”
Steam Shine smiled as he rubbed the back of his head, “Why thank you, I really like that I was able to get a good job to pay for the-Agh! Changeling! BACK VILLAINOUS CURR!” Steam Shine quickly grabbed the nearest thing available, a lamp, and started to brandish it in front of him like a sword.
Phoenix raised his hooves, “NO WAIT!”
The lamp bopped him on his head, knocking the stallion out cold.
Steam Shine looked at the intruder hanging halfway out his window. “Wait, I thought changelings disguises came undone if you knock them out. Then that means... Oh crud.”
Steam Shine looked out the window, and saw that nopony was looking at his apartment. Quickly he grabbed the Doppelganger Steam Shine by his tail and pulled him the rest of the way in.
The purple stallion dragged the unconscious look alike over to his couch, laying him on his side to get a better look at the would be intruder.
“Looks almost exactly like me, but now that I notice, he has a writing quill cutie mark? Wait why are his wings all stiff and pointed straight up?”
Steam Shine carefully nudged the knocked out ponies wing with a hoof. “Something peculiar about how stiff they are... perhaps a bit more pressure.”
He pushed harder on the wings and the feathers bent back at an odd angle and stayed there. Steam Shine decided to go for the gold and grab a feather in his mouth and try to pluck it out.
“Come on, it's just one feather, shouldn’t be that hard!” Then the whole wing ripped off of its harness.
Steam Shine looked at the torn wing in his mouth, then at the hole in the side of the stallion on his couch, and screamed.
The screaming then woke up Phoenix, which caused him to scream.
Which caused Steam Shine to scream again. “I’m so sorry I ripped off your wing!”
Phoenix stopped screaming, “Wait, a second those wings are fake! I’m fine!”
Steam Shine dropped the fake wing to the floor. “You are! Oh thank Luna you’re alright! Wait, why are you disguised as a pegasus any way?”
Phoenix gave off a big smile as he looked over to Steam Shine, “Well, I’ll tell you if you can get me a rag to rinse this color out of me...”
________________________________________________________________________________
One epic retelling of the story while rinsing out color later...
“And that’s how I got here.”
Steam Shine nodded as he sat in his easy chair across from Phoenix, hoof over his mouth in concentration, “So you mean to tell me, that you tried to say you were me, just to submit a story.”
Phoenix nodded, then shook his head, “Yeah, well no... What I mean is, I just tried to make myself, not look like myself. Coming out looking like you is just one of those coincidences that happen.”
The pegasus sat, and tapped his hooves together in concentration. “Maybe I can help you out.”
“What? For openers, why would you want to help me? And second, HOW could you help? That wolf has it out for me now! Its impossible to get in! Its not like I could fly ya know!”
Steam Shine smiled, “You see this?” He pointed at his cutie mark, “These goggles aren’t for flight ya know. It’s for welding. Even though I repair the machinery in the weather factory, I also like to tinker and invent. I think I can get you to fly in the building.”
Phoenix sat and thought about it. “Well, I do have another story I can submit... How do you propose we do this?”
________________________________________________________________________________
Fourth Try
“ARE YOU INSANE!”
It had been two weeks since Phoenix had bumped into Steam Shine. Since then Phoenix learned that they shared the same apartment building, and the two had grown into pretty good friends. The pegasus had promised that he would have a way to get Phoenix inside of the building, but this... this was a bit extreme.
On the roof of his apartment building, Steam Shine had built a giant cannon, big enough to launch Phoenix at the Equestria Daily building eight blocks away to the north.
“You're kidding me, right? Tell me this is a joke!” The blue stallion began to back away from the giant brass contraption.
“Nope, no joke at all. Phoenix, I am proud to present to you, the Pony Launcher, mark Four Cannon.”
Phoenix looked at the monstrosity with a critical eye, “What happened to the first three?”
Steam Shine trotted over to a pair of binoculars aimed at the Equestria Daily offices and peeked through them, “They blew up. Used the old parts to make this new one.”
Phoenix looked at the cannon and backed off, “Oh no. Oh HEX no! I am not getting in that thing.”
He galloped to the fire escape to make his way down when Steam Shine flew off into the sky, and dropped down in front of him. “Hold up there! Look its totally safe. I even got you the best top of the line safety equipment known to pony kind.”
Steam Shine held up a bicycle helmet and set of hockey pads. “Now come over here and look through the binoculars.”
Phoenix stumble stepped his way over to the binocular stand as he was pushed along by the flying stallion, “Now look through there, tell me what do you see?”
Phoenix looked through the binoculars, glad that he now had contact lenses, “I see, an open window... on the tenth floor.”
Steam Shine nodded excitedly, “Right! Now, I know you can’t see it, but on the other side of the building is a straight shot to another open window. All you gotta do, is go in that window, and out the other. Dropping the story down over a desk as you fly through.”
Phoenix raised a hoof. 'Scuse me Steam, but wouldn’t the story just follow me through to the other side because of momentum? And why not just shoot the story in?”
Steam grinned like a mad scientist as he went into the dreaded lecture mode, “If I launch it by itself, it would not have enough weight to reach the building unless I wrap it with weights. And they would probably think that a story wrapped in a lead casing as a bit suspicious. Also because of its lighter weight than you, if you drop it, it will lose momentum quickly. Throw it downward about five hoof lengths before a desk and it should land right on it easy as pie. You will be in and out before the know you were there.” He waved a hoof through the air to emphasize his point.
Phoenix gave off a sigh. “Ok. Your data seems sound, but lets think about this. Do you honestly think that I am crazy enough, to squeeze into a ten pony long cannon, to be shot out of it at hundreds of aerial knots per hour, just to sneak my story in?”
“Crazy enough that you talk to yourself out loud in five different voices, so... Yep.” Steam said with a grin.
Phoenix stared at Steam like he had just told him he believed that the world went around the sun. Then a maniacal grin spread across his face,
“You don’t know how right you are! Get me in that gear!”
Steam Shine grabbed the hockey pads and helped to lift it over Phoenix’s head, as he sat still with his fore legs stretched over his head. Next the unicorn grabbed the bicycle helmet in his magic and carefully placed it on his head, and clicked the strap under his jaw. “Alright, lets do this!
Steam Shine went over to the cannon and opened a door in the back, he swept his wing in an inviting gesture for Phoenix to step in. Phoenix crawled into the tight quarters before Steam Shine slammed the door behind him.
The pegasus stood at the control panel and pressed a few buttons, “Alright, hang on to your story tight, and remember after you pass the other side of the building, pull the ripcord in your parachute.
Phoenix nodded inside the cannon before he realized that the stallion outside could not see him. “Yeah I can do that.” He gripped his story tight against the barrel of his chest as his other hoof searched for the parachute rip cord.
“Ok Phoenix, launch is in five, four, three, two, one!”
Steam pressed the launch button, and Phoenix felt the whole thing rumble with him inside. Then something dawned on him, “WAIT I DON'T HAVE A PARACHUTE!”
BOOM!
Too late, the cannon launched Phoenix towards Equestria Daily faster than a speeding bullet.
________________________________________________________________________________
Sethisto was in his office, a hoof cuff attached to his fetlock, which in turn was attached to a chain that was welded to his desk.
Piles of paperwork reached from the floor to the ceiling, and he was determined to make them all go away by the time he was ready to go home.
There were no walls to separate his office from the rest of the ponies on this floor, instead he just had a low cubicle wall to his left and right, while behind him was the solid glass wall overlooking the south end of town.
A pony walked up to Sethisto’s desk with a small stack of paperwork, “Please, let me finish this so I can just go home!”
The other pony threw a folder on Seth’s desk “MOAR!”
Seth slammed his face into the desk and sighed. A sudden breeze came through the window, causing all the paper on his desk to fall onto the floor. “Calpain, shut my window before we lose papers out of it.”
Calpain nodded and quickly shut the window. He then picked up a folder and scanned through it, “So, how are things with you and Trixie right now?”
Bap!
The sound of Phoenix Quill slamming into the formerly open glass window at high speed was followed by the squeek of him sliding down the smooth glass side of the building. Sethisto turned to see what caused the sound, finding nothing but streaks on his glass, “What was that?”
Calpain shrugged as he flipped through a report, “I don’t know. Probably a bird.”
Sethisto shrugged as he drank down some coffee, “Hope its alright.”
________________________________________________________________________________
Phoenix lay in the dumpster on the side of the building, and sang along with the seemingly random objects dancing before his spinning eyes. “Hearts stars and horseshoes, clovers and blue moons, pots of gold and rainbows, and the red balloons...”
Two earth ponies pulling a giant cart came around the corner, with a unicorn riding on top to give direction to the two ponies pulling, “OK easy now, this here is a tight corner. And stop, thats great guys!”
The unicorn lit his horn, and let his magic envelope the dumpster. Quickly he lifted it and dumped its contents in the container behind him.
He placed the dumpster back down, and closed the lid to the garbage cart. “OK you guys, careful backing up!”
The garbage cart then sped off to the landfill outside of town.
________________________________________________________________________________
Steam Shine sat down in his favorite armchair and sipped lightly on his favorite wine. His eyes were closed as he listened to a record of his favorite opera, telling of the birth of the universe and how three goddess sisters created life.
He gave a sniff suddenly as the smell of moldy coffee, and old bananas mixed with perspiration and gunpowder entered his nose. “By the pricking of my hooves, something wicked this way moves... And it reeks of a dumpster diving hobo.”
Suddenly, his front door slammed open revealing a filthy Phoenix, “I, hate, you.”
Steam Shine sipped on his wine, “So, how did it go?”
Phoenix grabbed the pegasus in magic and shook him hard, “I GOT SHOT AT A BUILDING BY A GIANT CANNON AND SMACKED INTO A BUILDING! AND GOT A FREE RIDE TO THE DUMP IN A GARBAGE TRUCK! HOW DO YOU THINK IT WENT?!”
Steam’s eyes spun in circles for a few moments after Phoenix stopped shaking him, “Sounds like you had a crappy time. Do you still have your story?”
Phoenix twitched for a few moments as he threw the bundle of burnt paper at Steam Shine, “Yeah, charred to a crisp!”
He dropped Steam to the ground and walked over to the couch and began to sit down, “WAIT!”
Phoenix froze as Steam grabbed some old newspapers and laid them on the couch, “Sit on those, I don’t want you to get my couch dirty.”
Phoenix sat down gently on the couch and frowned at the carpet, “Can I have some wine?”
Steam Shine nodded, and Phoenix poured out a half glass with his magic, “Thank you.” He then lightly sipped on the drink and sighed. “Now, I would like to say, that what I have to tell you, you might not like. But I feel that it needs to be said.”
The purple pegasus sat down and ran a hoof through his mane before grabbing his own wine. “Oh I think I can handle it. What is it?”
Phoenix sipped calmly on the glass of wine, “Well to put it bluntly, BUCK YOUR COUCH PONY! BY A NEW ONE YOU RICH WINE SUCKER!” He then poured the rest of his glass of wine on the couch and rolled and smeared as much of his grime onto the white shag fabric as possible. “BUCK YO COUCH! You forgot to A, get me a parachute at all, and B, FAILED to keep an eye on me to see if I even made it safe!”
Steam Shine stared at the grown pony throwing a tantrum on his, previously, very expensive couch. “Well since you are going to be that way, I guess I don’t have to help you then.”
Phoenix got up off the couch and grabbed Steam Shine by the wing, “Oh no no no no no no NO! You are not getting off that easy! See, while I was walking home, I decided that If I am going to do something again, Its going to be by my plan of action. And I am taking you with me!”
The pegasus lowered himself to the ground, “And what is your plan oh great and powerful author? Spill ink on my couch as you write an angry letter?”
Phoenix groaned audibly as he rolled his eyes, casting a spell on the couch and himself. Making himself and the couch as clean as if nothing had happened at all. “Quit complaining or you won’t get anywhere in life. Now here’s the plan...”
________________________________________________________________________________
Fifth Try.
Phoenix cackled gleefully as he pulled the lever above him, causing a flame to rise high into the balloon above him.
Steam Shine looked at the unicorn with concern in his eyes, “Do you really think that this is the best idea? I mean, its not like they can’t see you in that.”
Phoenix smiled wide, “You bet this is safe! Look, I even have a parachute this time.” He turned to show off the packed parachute on his back to Steam, “Its foal proof,” He then pulled out a set of blueprints with stick ponies drawn on it. “I operate the balloon from the basket, and you pull me to the building. When we are above it, I will lower the balloon enough to jump out to the roof, enter through the access door, drop my latest masterpiece on the first desk I find, get out, hop into the balloon, and we fly back to my apartment building and celebrate with the best beer my money can buy!”
The pegasus smiled a little at Phoenix, “But don’t you think, that a hot air balloon over Canterlot would be kind of... conspicuous?”
“Thats why I painted this on it!” Phoenix said as he pointed to the envelope of the balloon, on which it said in big bold letters, “TOTALLY INCONSPICUOUS”.
“Its so obvious nopony would pay attention to it!”
Steam Shine rolled his eyes as he bit into the rope to pull the balloon, “Whatever, lets get this over with.”
________________________________________________________________________________
Phoe was standing on the roof, over seeing the loading of the cannon for the daily launch of failed fics to the moon, “Come on, hurry up! I want to go home someday!”
PK groaned as he lifted a box full of stories into the cannon and dumped them down the barrel. “I would like to see you do this, for once.” He grumbled to himself.
Tekaramity pushed a few buttons on the control panel to adjust the aim slightly, and read the display screen, “We are at full power now, and ready to launch at your command Phoe.”
Phoe rubbed her forehooves together as a smile crept onto her face, “Excellent. Prepare to launch!”
The door leading to the stairwell opened, allowing Sethisto to march his way out the door. He stood by the it as if he were a member of the royal guard. He coughed into his hoof before announcing, rather loudly, “Mares and stallions, The Great and Powerful Trixie!”
The other ponies elicited a groan, as the sound of Trixies fanfare was played over a loudspeaker before the door opened with a puff of smoke. The Great and Powerful Trixie smiled in her hat and cape as she posed, a sudden wind making her cape flow behind her.
“The Great and Powerful Trixie, has decided to grace your feeble existence with the presence of the Great and Powerful TRIXIE!”
All the other ponies on the roof stood in shock, before Phoe finally let out the laughter that she was trying to hold in. After that everypony else, including Trixie followed suit.
Tekaramity wiped a few tears from his eyes with a hoof before smiling at Sethisto and Trixie, “So, what brings you two up here.”
Trixie took of her hat and dusted it off before she answered, “Seth wanted to make sure that everything is going alright up here because you were taking so long. Trixie just wanted to see who is flying that balloon over there.”
PK raised his head from the ground, “What balloon?”
The blue unicorn mare pointed a hoof over the cityscape at a red hot air balloon, “That one over in the distance. Don’t you see it?”
Phoe stared at the balloon in concentration for a few moments, “That balloon is very inconspicuous... Too inconspicuous.”
PK squinted at the balloon as it started to slowly make its way closer, “Don’t you mean conspicuous?”
Phoe raised an eyebrow at him, “I mean it is trying so hard to be inconspicuous that it is conspicuous. For Celestia’s sake, it even says “Totally inconspicuous” In big letters! That just raises my suspicion.”
Tekaramity gazed in the distance, and pulled out a telescope, from where? Nopony knows.
Trixie and Sethisto joined him on the low wall around the roof, “So, can you see who is flying it?”
Tek nodded as he lowered the telescope, “Does a blue unicorn with glasses and a red and yellow mane sound familiar to you?”
Seth and Phoe groaned an answer at the same time, “Phoenix Quill...”
PK and Trixie shared a puzzled look as Tek folded his telescope and put it back. Trixie and PK whisper argued for a few seconds before Trixie shoved PK forward, forcing him to ask, “Who is Phoenix?”
“One more PK and its back to the basement with you!” Seth shouted pointing an accusing hoof at him. He took a breath to calm down before continuing. “Phoenix is an author that writes too much for his own good. He was told to keep out and now he basicly has declared a war on us to sneak his story in.”
The ponies on the roof looked at the slow moving balloon for a few moments, “Well what do we do?”
Sethisto puzzled for a moment or two then turned to Tek, “I think one eighth power should do the trick...”
________________________________________________________________________________
Phoenix posed heroically over the edge of the basket, looking at a compas. “Steam Shine! Three degrees north north west!” He shouted to the pulling pegasus.
“I swear to Celestia, next time I will make him pull me... In a carriage, or something. There must be a law against this.”
Phoenix grinned as he looked down at his retyped, and this time error free copy of “The Greatest Fic Evah!” A sense of pride filled his heart, and he began to hum the most epic song he knew.
Steam turned his head back at the balloon he was towing and groaned out loud, “Hey Phoenix,”
Phoenix stopped humming and snapped his attention to the pegasus, “On this vessel you are to address me as Captain Quill!”
Steam Shine face hoofed, “OK, Captain Quill, have you checked to make sure that the roof is clear?”
Phoenix rubbed his jaw with a hoof for a few moments, “Good point first mate Shine!” He picked up a brass spyglass with his magic and looked at the buildings roof.
There were no less than five ponies atop the building, and one was aiming the fic cannon down, almost as if they were going to... “STEAM SHINE! FLY US AWAY TOP SPEED!”
The pegasus quickly altered direction to the southeast as quick as he could, before the sound of a massive cannon fired.
Phoenix gripped the side of his basket as Steam Shine pulled his balloon away, but it was all for not. The sound of canvas ripping pierced their ears.
“ABANDON SHIP!” The unicorn cried out, Steam Shine didn’t need telling twice, and let go of the rope from his muzzle and flew out of range of the now falling balloon.
Phoenix went to grab his story, when a barrage of rejected fics fell out of the bottom of the balloon, smacking him on the head a few times in a row and covering his story on the floor. “NO NO NO NO!”
The unicorn quickly as he could, started picking through the fics as his balloon dropped, the first one that he found read, “Granny Smith and the Wizard of Menlo Park.”
“Oh what irony!” Phoenix exclaimed. He found the fic he was looking for, and jumped out of the balloon, and opened his chute successfully. “HAHA TAKE THAT!”
________________________________________________________________________________
On the roof of the Equestria Daily building, there was much celebrating.
“Nice shootin Tek!”
Tekaramity smiled a bit, “Thanks, but it was pretty easy compared to hitting the moon.”
Phoe was looking through the telescope at the falling balloon, “Don’t pat yourselves on the back just yet, super author has a parachute.”
Sethisto grabbed the telescope with his own magic and looked through, “Aww crap. He could still have his pegasus friend there direct him to us with that. Now what?”
Trixie walked over to the edge of the roof and leaned over the wall, “The Great and Powerful Trixie shall save the day! Let it never be said I don’t do anything.”
________________________________________________________________________________
Phoenix gently floated down to the city, “Hey Steam! I think we can make it if you give me a push in the right direction! How about a little nudge?”
Steam Shine flapped his way closer to Phoenix, when a sudden flash of magic enveloped the parachute.
Phoenix looked up to see that the strings tied to his back, now lead to a giant anvil over his head. “Oh no.”
The anvil made a screaming sound as it rapidly fell, landing on Phoenix’s head and sending him to earth a lot faster than a parachute would have.
Steam Shine dived down as quick as he could, hoping to be able to at least get the anvil off of Phoenix after the impact.
*CLANG!*
“Oooh, nasty...”
________________________________________________________________________________
A week later...
Phoenix walked out of the hospital, his head wrapped in bandages.
“I hate flying.” He grumbled to himself.
Steam, had luckily been able to get a rescue team of volunteers to help him lift the anvil off of Phoenix and get him to the nearby Canterlot ER.
Phoenix trotted a little down the road when somepony called out to him, “WAIT!”
He turned to see a nurse galloping after him, “You forgot your bill.”
Phoenix groaned, as he took the piece of paper in his magic. He unfolded it, and the paper continued to unfold after it hit the sidewalk. “TWENTY THOUSAND BITS TOTAL! INTEREST OVER TIME!”
The nurse smiled at him, “Yes, but we do have payment options available.”
Phoenix looked over the paperwork, “Twenty bits for that stuff you call food?! PER SERVING?!
“Now now mister Quill, your insurance should be able to cover this.”
Phoenix folded up the paper and placed it in a saddle bag, “I don’t have insurance! Just... OOOH!”
He galloped to his apartment as quick as he could.
_________________________________________________________________________________
When Phoenix got home, he found Steam Shine inside his apartment, eating his peanut butter. “Oh hey Phoenix, you’re out of food.”
“What the hay are you doing in my apartment?” Phoenix crossed the room and flopped down on his bed.
The pegasus spooned out some more of Phoenix’s peanut butter and licked the spoon, “I figured that I would tidy the place up a bit. Kinda have a bit of a get together to celebrate your release from the hospital. But then I got hungry, but all you had was the peanut butter. So I ate it.”
The blue stallion groaned into his pillow. “You know, I just got slammed with a huge hospital bill. And now you ate the only food I had for the rest of the month.”
Steam Shine smiled guiltily and held up the spoon with a hoof, “Want some?”
Phoenix got up and opened the closet door, inside was his suit, and a vault. Phoenix opened the vault and started pulling out paper bags, full of stories. “No more games, I got to get one of these into Equestria Daily. Or I am on the streets.”
“You know you could just get a better job, or submit to another paper. They aren't the only game in town you know.”
Phoenix pulled out the last item from the back, a solid gold brick. “It’s not about the money! And its not about getting published any more, Its about pride! It’s war that they have declared on me, and now I have to get a story in. Any one of these could be the one.”
Steam Shine sat on the floor by Phoenix as he continued to lick the peanut butter off the spoon, “Well what is your plan this time?”
“The art, of distraction.” Phoenix waved a hoof like a stage magician, “I will go in the front door, and you will fly in the first open window you can find, or come in through the roof door way. While they are busy tending to kicking me out, you will slip this story into the approved pile.”
Phoenix grabbed a story and tossed it to Steam Shine. “And what is the gold brick for anyhow?”
“Duh, I’m gonna sell it so I can pay my hospital bill, and get some real food in me.”
“I can’t believe I actually am going to help you again... Lets get this over with.”
Phoenix smiled and jumped in the air, his left forehoof raised above his head, “ALRIGHT! Going for the,
________________________________________________________________________________
Sixth Try!”
Phoenix was wearing his suit, top hat, and glasses again to make sure that the other ponies would spot him quickly. “Alright Steam Shine, are you ready?”
The pegasus nodded, “I was born ready.”
“Alright, synchronize watches.” Phoenix lifted his pocket watch out of a pocket, to meet with Steam’s empty hoof. “Uh, Steam? Where is your watch?”
“I don’t own a watch.”
“What do you mean you don’t own a watch?! What do you think this is? Happy Kiddy Kolt Hour? Where everypony is happy all the time and everything always works out for the hero?”
“Sorry dude, I don’t own a watch!”
“Alright, fine! Just meet me at that bakery when you are done.” Phoenix pointed to Pony Joe’s Doughnut palace, “Think you can handle it?”
Steam Shine gave off a sarcastic salute, “Got it oh mighty author!”
Phoenix did not even seem to notice the sarcasm in his tone, “Alright lets do this.”
The pegasus took off, and flew towards the Equestria Daily building, intent on finding his way in, Phoenix meanwhile walked in the middle of the road to garner the most attention from the staff.
________________________________________________________________________________
Steam Shine could not help but really get into what he was doing.
He wasn’t wearing anything, but he did have an awesome soundtrack while he snuck over to the building. “Dun da Dun da da Dun, DA DA! Dun Dun DA BA du BA!! Dun da dun do.”
Steam Shine rolled and ducked his way between allies and jumped up to roof tops, sticking to the shadows of the late afternoon.
The pegasus flapped his wings a few times to land on the roof and galloped across it before jumping down into a side street.
He ran down the road and stopped before a set of stairs and froze, and made a consistent loud “BAAAAAAAA” in his theme song, as he waited for two ponies to pass him by. They looked at him with inquire and looked up at the painted mural of Princess Luna and Celestia pointing down at what should have been Equestria, was instead pointing at the still singing, not so stealthy pegasus.
When the two ponies were out of sight Steam went up the stairs, “Badum badumpabumpadum”
He leaned against the column of white stone that made up part of the exterior of Equestria Daily, and looked up to see an open window. He turned and saw Phoenix headed for the building’s front door. Steam Shine flapped his wings and took off for the open window. “Shoga do ba do do boom!”
________________________________________________________________________________
Phoenix opened the door to the building and smiled, “Hey how’s it going, I just came to submit a-”
“PHOENIX! How dare you show your face in this building!”
Phoenix grinned from ear to ear, “How dare you shoot down an innocent balloon!”
Sethisto smacked his face with a hoof, “You better get out of here, before I have security call the cops.”
Phoenix smiled, everything was going as he planned. “Look, Seth, can I call you Seth? Now, Seth, you clearly just, don’t see my brilliance.” The blue unicorn stood on his hind legs and leaned against the desk, “Now, I know that you have a lot of authors writing for you. But how many of them give up so easily when you fail them?”
Sethisto’s face turned a dangerous dark red. “Phoenix, it pains me to have to turn authors away, but we do have standards. Now, I am willing to give you another break if you just walk away now, and come back Saturday. Can you handle that? Just listen to somepony else for once and walk away now.”
Phoenix blinked, and his face drooped down a little, “Really? Just come back in a few days?”
Seth nodded and pointed a hoof to the door. “No more tricks, just head out the door now and I will take a look at any and all works you might have.”
He thought about it for a few moments, then turned to head out the door. “Alright, I’ll go.”
The elevator doors slid open, and Phoe came out, dragging Steam Shine by the tail. “HOLD EVERYTHING!”
Phoenix froze mid step, “Oh, yes?”
Phoe spat out Steam’s tail and marched across to Seth, “You two, DON’T MOVE! Seth, I caught this pegasus sneaking around upstairs. He was singing theme music while trying to slip a story into the approved bin.”
Phoenix looked down at Steam, he looked back at the blue stallion with a sheepish smile, “Sorry.”
Phoenix grabbed the story in his magic field and helped Steam up with a hoof, “Don’t worry, I have an appointment this Saturday anyhow.”
Seth huffed for a few moments. “You, HAD an appointment Saturday, No, I am going to judge you right here and now. Give me that story!”
Phoenix smiled wide as he floated the story over to Sethisto in his magical grip. Phoenix’s eyes glittered from the amount of excitement filling his very being.
Phoe raised a hoof in protest, “Uhh Seth? I wouldn’t read that story if I were you.”
Seth looked at the book floating before him, and ignored Phoe’s warning, “Oh how bad could it be?”
He cracked open the book and read the first few lines, then a whole page. Then a few pages. Suddenly he began to scream and back away from the book, “ARGH IT’S EVIL! KILL IT WITH FIRE!”
Phoe started to laugh into her hoof, Phoenix was still, amazingly grinning wide. “So, will you publish it?”
Steam Shine slammed his hoof into his face and groaned, as Phoe lost her mind to laughter. Seth meanwhile found the first button within reach and smacked it hard. “NO! Never in a billion years will I ever, EVER publish anything from you!”
Phoenix began to feel dejected at that moment. His ears drooped down, “Sooo, no appointment Saturday?”
The panels on the ceiling above Steam Shine and Phoenix suddenly moved aside, revealing an open hole above them, “Hey where does this GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
Phoenix and Steam Shine was getting launched up and out of the building via giant spring loaded trap.
Steam and Phoenix went up through the many levels of the building, seeing through the plexiglass window in front of them the different ponies doing there jobs in there many chaotic ways, before they reached the roof and kept moving up.
Phoenix screamed like a mare high above the building, even as Steam opened his wings and grabbed the unicorn by the waist. “You aren't dead yet, come on. Lets get some doughnuts.”
________________________________________________________________________________
Seventh Try.
It had been three whole weeks since the last incident where Phoenix tried to get into the building.
Since then everything had fallen back into its, relative calm.
Xyro was idly flapping his wings to fly over a path on the second floor of the building.
Suddenly, the long dead fax machine started to make noise. “What is this?”
He landed and walked over to the device, and picked up the phone receiver on it. “Hello?”
His ears were then invaded with the terrible sound of an incoming fax.
A piece of paper began to squeeze its way out, showing an image of a pony. The image got bigger as it came out, almost as if...
“I knew faxing myself would work, now to just find a desk and zip out of... Oh HI!”
Phoenix Quill stood in front of him with a big beaming smile, “You're not gonna tell are you?”
Xyro shook his head. “Nope.”
Phoenix smiled awkwardly, “So I thought Hey you know what ponies don’t use? Fax machines! But businesses have them anyhow, So use one to sneak in. But now you are, here.” Phoenix began to back up, “I’ll just see my own way out.”
The orange pegasus boldly stepped forward and grabbed the piece of paper Phoenix had been printed on and, along with Phoenix’s tail stuck it in a paper shredder.
Phoenix laughed, “Really? What is that going to do?”
Suddenly the shredder pulled harder on Phoenix and sucked him all the way in, spitting out paper shreds colored like a certain blue unicorn.
“Have your friend tape you back together, then remember to STAY OUT!” Xyro then dumped the paper shreds into a garbage chute to the outside.
________________________________________________________________________________
Steam Shine finished putting Phoenix together after his... Even more humiliating exit from the building. “So, are you done with this yet?”
Phoenix sighed, “Yeah, I can never break into the building.”
“Well at least you came to your senses in the end.”
“That’s why I am going to do what I know how to do the best, I’m going to write an angry letter!”
Steam Shine face hoofed hard enough that a hollow clunking sound echoed through the room. “Well aren't you just a glutton for punishment.”
Phoenix winced as he tried to move to a more comfortable position on his bed, “You see, I have been dealing with the pre readers, the management, and security guards this whole time. I need to go to the top, straight over there heads to the actual owner of Equestria Daily.”
The purple pegasus used one of his wings to shrug, “Fine. But I am not helping you with this. Do you even know who the owner is?”
Phoenix drank some water down from a cup before answering, “Nopony does. All I know is that if I go down to the Canterlot Post Office, I can have a dragon send everything I ever wrote to him, along with the letter.”
“Yeah, well good luck bud.”
“Thanks!”
________________________________________________________________________________
Last Try.
Phoenix walked into the post office with a smile. Then he saw the line.
“Shiitake mushrooms!”
He hauled the shipping box behind him and sighed as he waited in the long line.
***
An hour later, Phoenix made it to the counter, “Hi I would like to send this package via dragon express.”
The white mare with a pink mane yawned into her hoof before blinking lazily at him. “It’s twenty bits for dragon express, that includes free return service if they send something back for you to have it automatically burnt to your location. Are you willing to accept these fees?”
Phoenix nodded and tossed his bit bag on the counter, “Yeah lets just do this alright?”
The unicorn mare sighed as she took the package in her magic, and rang the bell. Almost immediately a young pegasus stallion flew over to her in a blur. “Take this to Sygal, tell her that its going to... I’m sorry who is the receiver of this?”
Phoenix smiled widely, “The owner of Equestria Daily.”
“You heard the guy, get to it First Class.”
First Class saluted, “Yes Ma’am!” And zoomed off to the back room.
Phoenix turned around to leave when the mare called out to him, “Remember if there is a reply you will receive it no matter where you are!”
“Thank you!” Phoenix galloped out the door to head off to another day at work.
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*Two weeks later...*
“Come on Steam! Get a strike for us!”
Steam Shine lined up the bowling ball on the ground, and carefully eyeballed the lane before him. He then turned and gave the ball a mighty buck straight into the gutter. “Awww CENSORED! You suck at this game!”
Steam trotted back to Phoenix as he waited for his ball to come back, “Why do you think my mom and brother wanted me on YOUR team?
Black Shadows, or as she said earlyer, “Call me Momma B! Everypony does!” Waved casually at Phoenix as she used her magic to write the score down. Steam Shine’s younger brother, Emerald Shadows sat down at a table, guzzling an energy drink while using one of his wings to draw.
Steam grabbed his ball as it came out of the ball return machine thing, and placed it back on the ground. “Hey Steam, try using your wing to hold the ball!”
The purple pegasus groaned, “Do you know how much of a pain, no you wouldn’t know. It is such a pain!”
Phoenix jabbed a hoof at the score charts as Steam sighed. “Alright.”
He grabbed the ball with the feathers of his wing, and galloped to the line, and threw the ball with a mighty heave!
It rolled true down the center of the lane, making impact with the pins on the end. Knocking them all down in a violent cacophony of noise.
“WHOO! Hey yea! I did it! I did it, I did it, In yo face Momma!”
Momma B Shadows gave her son a bored look and raised an eyebrow. “Uh, no disrespect momma... “ Steam Shine fluttered over to a bench and sat down.
“Aright Emerald, your turn.”
Emerald smoothed out his mane, which was as vivid green on the bottom as his eyes were, but faded to a black as dark as his mother’s fur the further from his grey body his hair got. “Looks like the champ is up again.”
“The champ of emo colts nation wide.” Phoenix muttered under his breath.
Steam Shine glared at Phoenix, “Remind me why we're friends again?”
“Because you knocked me out with a lamp.”
Steam Shine laughed a little to himself as he lowered his head down to the plastic table, “Don’t remind me.”
Emerald picked up the ball with his tail of all things, and swung it left and right behind him. Finally letting go of the ball sending it rocketing down for a strike.
“Another victory for me.” Emerald called out as he sat down to his picture and started to fiddle with it again. “Maybe Phoenix can write himself in as the winner this time.”
All the other ponies snickered as Phoenix grabbed his bowling ball with his magic. “Yeah yeah, laugh it up. But you’ll see, any second now I will get that response letter from Equestria Daily.”
“You have been saying that for two weeks! Give it up and go write something else. Like, hey maybe you can write poems, or music!” Black Shadows said with a grin. Her purple mane fell into her eyes and she started to try and blow it back into position.
“Yeah and maybe you can get me to lie on a couch and tell you how I feel.” Phoenix chuckled to himself as he lined the ball up and used his magic to begin to throw it.
Suddenly bright red flames appeared before his muzzle, causing him to give the ball a wild throw into the next lane overs gutter.
The family laughed at Phoenix as he grabbed the letter to see what was so important to interrupt his weekly game with the Shadow family.
His face dropped, and he sat down at the bench. “What’s wrong Phoenix? You want to talk about it?” The psychologist mare said with a smile.
“I have an appointment with the owner of Equestria Daily. Tomorrow at sunset.”
Steam Shine, Momma B and Phoenix all sat in relative shock, the only pony that seemed to not give a buck, was Emerald. “That’s nice. Maybe you can get them to feature my art some day.”
That night after the game, there was much celebrating, for Phoenix has done the impossible. Not only had the owner read all of the stories he sent, but wanted to talk to him in person about his future at Equestria Daily.
It was a night that nopony would remember, to be followed by a hangover that is hard to forget.
________________________________________________________________________________
*The Owner of Equestria Daily.*
Despite how much Phoenix drank yesterday, he had managed to get up before noon, and have his clothes washed, and himself groomed properly for the big meeting.
He was so giddy that had forgot to grab any stories to present and had to go back to his apartment. Only to find none, and remember that he sent them all to the owner of Equestria Daily.
When Phoenix arrived there was a secretary right by the door to greet him. “Mister Quill, this way please.”
The mare lead him to the elevators and pressed a button to call for one. The doors immediately opened and they walked in.
The doors slid shut and the mare dropped her smile for the security cameras, “So, what made you do it?”
Phoenix looked at his reflection in the polished wood to make sure his suit, hat, glasses and cape were all straight, “Do what?”
The mare inserted a key into the elevator panel revealing a secret button with one word written on it, Boss “What made you send her your stories? Why couldn’t you have just listened to us?”
“Ah so the owner is a mare then?” he chuckled, “I guess I did it because I felt that I needed one last chance.”
The elevator came to a smooth stop before the doors opened to reveal that the whole floor was one big office space, with two desks.
“Thank you Kits, leave us.”
“Yes your majesty.” She bowed down to the floor as she walked backwards into the elevator, never lifting her eyes.
Phoenix walked up to the desk, seeing a high backed chair faced away from him, “Your majesty? Isn’t that a bit much?”
The chair turned around. Sitting in it was a white mare. Much larger than any other he met in person, with a prismatic mane flowing in a breeze that wasn’t there. She had both a long sharp horn, and a folded set of wings. Princess Celestia looked down at Phoenix with disinterest, as if he had interrupted something important.
Phoenix jumped back and removed his hat to bow low, “Your majesty! Princess Celestia! You own this?”
Her horn glowed as she flicked on a lamp. She gave Phoenix a motherly smile, “Yes mister Quill, My sister and I founded this paper over a thousand years ago to keep ponies up in current events and to give them a public speaking platform.”
Phoenix stayed low to the ground as Celestia rose from her seat, “Come now Phoenix, you can look at me. I won’t bite.”
He rose to his hooves and put his hat back on his head, “Your majesty, I am so sorry to be taking up your time.”
“Now Phoenix, I always like to take time to anypony that contributes to the arts, and you certainly sent me a large contribution. Tell me, do you write alone?”
Phoenix smiled nervously, “Yes Princess, I do.”
The diarch of the sun nodded as she walked over to a closet, “And tell me, why do you want to get published so bad. Is it for the love of your art?”
Phoenix thought about it for a few moments before answering, “To be honest, yes and no. Most of my earlier works came from my heart. But nopony wanted to read it. So I adjusted to try to get a more popular style story. I really need the money that comes with the fame.”
The princess pulled a bag out of the closet, “Do you like bananas?”
Phoenix blink blinked at her, “I’m sorry, but what?”
“Bananas, I have some banana nut muffins, but I never liked them much, would you care for one?”
Phoenix smiled as he relaxed a bit, “Yes, thank you.”
She hovered one over to him and smiled, “So, Mister Quill, my sister and I have read all your stories, and noticed that you definitely are screaming for attention. But I don’t see any heart in any of the stories you sent me, why is that?”
Phoenix munched on his muffin for a few more moments and swallowed before he answered, “Well, I figured those would be the most popular to tell the truth.”
“Well, I have some news for you. Something to think over. Write with your heart, and not so much your head. Feel passionate about what you write and others will love it too. Also, don’t try to mix and match other authors ideas into yours, just be yourself.”
Phoenix swallowed the rest of his muffin and smiled, “If I ever get a chance to have a clean slate here again, I think I will. I learned something over the weeks of rejection. It’s not about the amount you write, it's about if you like what you wrote. And to tell the truth, I only thought it would be popular, not that it was any good.”
“I’m glad you learned something,” Celestia said with a small smile, “Now, we are going to run an article about you. But not yet. Only after you redeem yourself in the eyes of the ponies that work here.”
The princess finished setting up a camera on a tripod and set down a timer. Phoenix shuffled nervously, “Should I go home and write something?”
Celestia laughed in her hoof a little and pushed a button on the camera, “Not yet, but after I am done with you.”
Phoenix felt nervous, “So what do I do?”
“Just strike your best pose, for the paper.”
Phoenix adjusted his hat and puffed out his chest as he gave off his best smile, “Perfect Phoenix, in three, two, one!”
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Epilogue
Steam Shine walked behind a gaggle of tourists in the Canterlot Sculpture Gardens. The tour mare pointed out different statues and what they represented along the way.
“And the most recent addition, this one represents determination!”
The crowd oohed and ahhed at the statue, a few even flashing pictures before moving on.
Steam Shine stayed behind.
He pulled out a bottle of wine and a glass. The pegasus poured a little in the glass and nudged it to the statue of determination and smiled. “Well, you finally did it. You’re famous.”
Steam Shine looked up at the life size statue of a unicorn wearing a suit with top hat, surrounded by stone books. Smiling wide enough that his eyes squinted behind his glasses.
“Maybe now you learned your lesson.” Steam Shine said as he sipped the wine from the glass, “And I can’t bail you out of this one.”
The End.
