Diary Of A Closet Romantic

by Lunar Spice

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Romance, Profanity, Slice of Life, Human, Sad
Length: 12712

I know I act cool... but I really like the sappy stuff

I hate the word 'diary'. It just seems so childish. I mean, I'm me! I'm cool and awesome, not sappy.

Definitely not sappy.

But... if I'm honest, I kinda daydream about her a lot...

(coverart found on a Google search, no idea where it came from, but it's not mine)

Published 2021-09-23 03:40:00 UTC
Last updated 2022-10-13 00:42:49 UTC

Entry 1

Dear Diary,

Ugh, this just feels so weird.

I've never been good at keeping a diary. Even just the name 'diary' sounds so childish. Like this book should be pastel pink with hearts dotting the cover. And glitter, just for the cherry on top of the so uncool sundae.

That's not what this book looks like, by the way. As if.

Anyway, I finally figured that I can't keep bothering my friends with my troubles. They have enough on their plates right now, and I don't want to add to any of it. But I need to get my thoughts out or I think I'm going to explode!

Hence the diary.

Ugh, it's really more of a journal than anything. Maybe calling it a journal will help.

Anyway, I'm supposed to be using this ~~diary~~ journal! to get my thoughts out of my head.

Today was a slow day. I pretty much stayed at home all day, listened to music, and just did nothing.

And thought about her a lot.

I should be able to write her name, but even thinking about it - thinking about her - makes me all giddy inside.

That's the second reason why I need my thoughts down on paper instead of with my friends.

I'm a closet romantic.

A closet romantic, as in picnics, strolls on the boardwalk, staring into eyes without a care in the world. I love it all.

I saw a picnic basket in a store the other day. It wasn't just any basket either. It was one of the old-timey ones that actually came with a red checkered blanket. i couldn't help but imagine me taking her out on a picnic date.

But it would never work. I don't even know if she likes picnics!

She mentioned chocolate-covered strawberries (with edible gold glitter!) the last time I hung out with her. Again, we just hung out, it was NOT a date.

Absolutely not.

We ended up eating popcorn and watching two horror movies. I don't particularly care for super gory horror movies, but I like the genre well enough. Not as much as she does, though. The movies that we watched were really good. Not like some others that I've suggested in the past.

I should really look into movies before suggesting we watch them together. I always end up getting embarrassed because one character or another ends up worshipping a demon.

True story.

Anyway, I should be getting back on topic. And, seeing as how this is my first entry, I should probably get some information out of the way first.

My name is Rainbow Dash.

I am 22 years old.

And I'm in love with my best friend.

And that's pretty much the gist of it. I've talked about it to my other best friend, but she can only help me so far. And our other friend is pretty oblivious about stuff like this. I swear, she didn't even KNOW I swung both ways until I told her. I've never flaunted it, but I never tried to hide it.

And, I kinda had to tell her because I had accidentally let it slip that I had a major crush on someone that she knew. What can I say? Drinking gets me talking.

I wasn't even drinking at a bar.

The situation was that our school was holding some sort of dance. Of course, I acted like I didn't care about it at all. I joked that I wouldn't even think about going unless someone asked me.

In reality, I was desperately hoping that she would ask me. But, she just ended up going with some other girls. And left me by myself.

I acted totally cool with that.

I was not totally cool with that.

When she came home (side note - all four of us were roommates then), I was the only one still up. She talked about her evening and I felt some jealousy.

Especially after she said that a guy from one of her classes asked her out on a date.

ESPECIALLY after she said that she had told him 'yes'.

She told me that she was interested in girls a while ago, and I came out to her too. I was happy then, because she trusted me with such an intimate secret.

Something in me snapped a bit when she said that she had agreed. I tried to be as casual as I could when I made my way over to the fridge where my alcohol was. I don't know if she noticed my drink or not (I put it in a green tumbler, so she wouldn't see what I was drinking), but she noticed my behavior the next day.

...

I still feel ashamed about it.

I had lied to her face about it.

After my two-day-long episode, I was talking to my other best friend (technically, Fluttershy is my first best friend as she introduced me to the other two). She mentioned that it was weird how I started drinking myself stupid right when he asked her out. I lied to her that it had nothing to do with that.

Then she came out of her room upon hearing her name. And I lied to her that it had nothing to do with her.

I hate thinking about it.

I'm not a good person. I've lied to the people closest to me, and all for what? To protect them from knowing about my crush?

Ugh, this is not helping.

Anyway, that was a little over a year ago.

Yup. I've been dealing with a crippling crush, of all things, for over a year. I'm actually amazed I held it together for so long, considering we lived together for a while.

So, all of that is the main reason why I have this journal. I have so much I want to say about her, but I can't.

I think if I keep all this stuff in too much longer, I'll drink myself stupid. Again.

But it's not like I'm completely at fault here.

She's been giving me mixed signals for half a year. Always teasing me, making jokes that could be flirty, but also could be totally innocent. She even invited me to spend Valentine's weekend with her at her parents' house.

Of course, I accepted immediately, but I should've known that it was more than I could handle.

See, I kinda had a bit of a meltdown after that.

Anyway, it's getting late and I'm already repeating myself. I should wrap this up before I get so tired that I fall asleep.

...How do I even end something like this anyway?

Just... bye? I guess?

I don't even know.

Author's Note

I'm back?

Well, this is kinda awkward. There really is no way to show up with a new story idea after *checks notes* two and a half years?!

Well then.

I was just rereading some stories on here and got to thinking about this idea. After that, the words just flowed. At least in the 'awkward' way that I imagined Rainbow feeling.

Anyway, (I'm really out of practice) please let me know what you think about this story. It felt sort of rushed, but since when is Rainbow Dash not in a rush?

Entry 2

Dear Journal,

What to even write about?

(Besides her)

I was getting a bit lonely today. Don't tell anyone.

I was tempted to go find someone to cheer me up or something, but I just ended up finding a tub of ice cream. Even though I'm a romantic at heart, I'm not the biggest fan of romance movies. So, instead I put on a B-rated horror movie.

In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have put that movie on.

It's one of her favorites.

It's something so stupid even though it's trying to be scary that you can't help but laugh.

...it's exactly what I needed.

I had a day to myself with no jobs to do and not a worry at all.

So why do I feel so miserable?

I want to go over and visit her, but she lives so far away. And she's busy all the time, so I only see her like once a month.

It's not enough for me.

I swear she's like a drug. Whenever I'm not with her, she's all I think about. When I am with her, nothing else matters. Not even me being the fastest or most awesomest or whatever.

If someone could ever capture the drug that just looking into her eyes gives me, I'd spend every last cent on it.

Yeah, if they could bottle sheer perfection, that's what it'd be.

...

I REALLY hope no one else reads this.

I know I act cool and that I don't like frou-frou stuff at all, but just once I'd like to be able to pamper her. To 'woo' her, as Rarity would put it.

I'd show up at her door, actually looking nice (putting some effort into my clothes, for once). I'd give her a bunch of flowers (I think they're called a bookay, or a boukwey? Ugh, well, it's not like anyone else is going to read this).

Then I'd overcome my nerves and ask her out on a genuine date.

Would she agree? ...or think it's just a prank?

Don't get me wrong, I loooove a good prank. I'll pull a huge prank any day of the week! But, I honestly think I'd be super hurt if she thought it was a prank.

Great, now even my ice cream isn't helping anymore.

I even got my favorite flavor, too. It's white chocolate ice cream with raspberry swirls and dark chocolate mini hearts. I don't think even my best friends know that it's my favorite flavor. I think I told them it was something like a chocolate fudge.

Bleh, I don't even know what to write about anymore. Either I'm rambling about something weird or I'm rambling about her.

Well, I guess that's what I got this journal for.

I went out earlier, to get to the grocery store near my house. I was tempted to get a few drinks so I could forget my worries, but I decided against it. I walked past the flower department and saw a few bunches of roses. Of course, I didn't stay there, just in case someone walked past and saw me.

But I still wondered about giving her some roses.

Would she like red roses? Yellow? Or maybe multicolored?

It didn't help that I saw someone there who looked exactly like her.

She was the same height, with the same hair, and the same beautiful eyes.

I had to walk away before I seemed super weird for just staring into a stranger's eyes.

And I still didn't get any alcohol. I'm almost glad about my self-control. Instead, I bought a bunch of candy.

Diet be damned.

Although, technically dark chocolate is healthy, right? But probably not as healthy when there's toffee mixed in.

Ugh, I'm just going to go eat some more.

Later.

Author's Note

Today has sucked. That's all.

Side note, I actually do know how to spell 'bouquet', but I doubted that Rainbow did, mainly because I don't think that bouquets show up very often in Daring Do books.

Entry 3

Dear Journal,

I had so much to do today. Laundry, picking up Scootaloo after her thing with her friends, etc.

Instead I sat on my couch and listened to music.

I don't really have one favorite genre of music, I like most of them. I like finding different songs and stringing them together to make playlists for a ton of different things.

But I found a new band that I can't stop listening to. Their stuff is some orchestral, but also some alternative.

Of course, I'll need to stop listening to it around my friends.

They all think they know exactly what I like to listen to. Rock, rock, and more rock.

I swear, Maud Pie has more variety in her whole life than that.

Side note: I wonder if Maud (queen of all things rock) likes rock music. Or if she listens to music at all.

...that sounds terrible.

I can't even think about not listening to music. Music has such a variety that there's at least one song for every situation. Feeling angry? Fast, energetic music. Feeling sad? Slow, instrumental music. Feeling romantic? I've lost count of the number of romance songs I've heard.

I've started thinking about making a playlist for her.

I already have a few songs that make sense, but they don't really fit together.

When I make a playlist, I get SUPER nitpicky about the order. Like, seriously, I listen, relisten, and rerelisten to make sure the order sounds right. Because the songs that I usually use aren't by the same bands or singers, it's like trying to shove two differently colored gummy bears together until they stick together.

I'm also eating candy right now.

Some of the playlists I've made are REALLY long. And whenever I hear a song that would go well with it, I have to add it in and listen to it over and over again to get the order right.

The last playlist I made was about villain songs because I believe that villain songs are the best songs. They're always more catchy than the hero songs (if the hero even has any songs).

Thankfully, I don't have to lie about that to my friends. They know I'm (well, I wouldn't say obsessed) into villain songs.

It's not my fault they're so catchy.

I'm also still trying to figure out what to call this playlist about her. I like coming up with playlist names that make sense with the songs in it. Like, Fur And Leather, Clashing Composers, etc.

Clashing Composers is actually mostly music taken from some people I know. They're two friends, but they have very different styles of music. One of them likes orchestra-like stuff and the other likes dubstep and remixes. So, I put all of the songs from both of them in the same playlist.

It's actually one of my favorite playlists of mine. So many different styles in one place, I always have to turn the volume up whenever I play it.

I tried sharing my music with some of my friends a while back, but I don't think they really got it.

I also keep forgetting that I'm supposed to be hiding some of my tastes in music.

It's weird, constantly having to think about what you're saying or doing so you don't slip up and accidentally reveal something.

To be honest, it's kinda exhausting.

That's why I've been trying to distance myself from my friends.

It's not that I don't like them anymore. I just like them too much. It really hurts to care so much for people, but lie to them constantly.

If all of us are ever out and we see a couple walk past holding hands, I have to make a joke or say something sarcastic. Inside, though, I wish I could be in that situation.

I want to be able to hold hands with a special someone and walk on the beach. I wouldn't even care if someone made a joke behind my back. It wouldn't matter because I'd be with her.

I've been thinking more about asking her out on an actual date. There are a few restaurants near where she lives that we might be able to go.

Not that I looked them up or anything.

Ugh, am I really trying to lie to a book of all things?

Yes, I looked up restaurants in the area. I want something that's not super classy, but not like fast food either.

And we're not going to split the bill either! If I invite her, it's my treat, end of story!

The real question is whether I should give her a bunch of flowers too, or if that's pushing it.

It might make her uncomfortable.

Maybe just one flower?

That... might actually work.

The next time I'm at the grocery store, I need to remember to wear a hoodie or some kind of hat.

Can't let people find me browsing the flower department by myself.

People might talk and my secret would be out.

Crap! I lost track of time! I need to go get Scootaloo before I get into trouble for not picking her up.

Later.

Author's Note

It's not mine, but it's what I use in my music app:
(credit goes to Template93 on DeviantArt)

Entry 4

Dear Journal,

Today, I was able to shake myself out of the funk from yesterday (mostly) and get some stuff done.

I listened to some nice music while I worked around the house.

I thought about her, again.

Not her, but Gilda.

I've been thinking a lot about Gilda recently. I can't think of anything that might have reminded me of her, though.

I had a thing for her a while ago, but she left before I could do anything about it. Considering how 'well' I'm handling even thinking about her, it was a good thing Gilda left when she did.

But, I've been missing her.

I was thinking about tracking her down, sending a letter, something. Of course it'd be weird and awkward, but that's pretty much how I feel constantly now.

I would ask my friends about what I should do, but they don't know her. Not like I do anyway. And I don't want to upset her.

...would she even feel upset? If she didn't, that means that I didn't matter that much to her in the first place!

Ugh, I'm REALLY glad I'm getting my thoughts out on paper. That would have sounded stupid if I said it out loud.

Of course I matter to her. She matters the world to me, but she wouldn't be my friend if I didn't matter to her. Sometimes I wish my darn head would stop overthinking everything.

I just need some confidence. NOT alcohol-confidence. She can tell the difference, and I think that she wouldn't take me seriously if I'd been drinking.

Also, I literally cannot drink when I go over to see her. Drinking and driving never work out well.

Ugh, my thoughts are going in circles.

I want to sweep her off her feet, to ask her out, to 'woo' her. But everytime I think about her, I feel like the ground is falling away from under my feet. She makes me feel on top of the world and that I would do anything she asked.

...I've been reading too many romance stories.

Yes, I do read romance, though I don't think I should. It's not helping. It's just making me sad.

One of the stories I read... It wasn't the longest book ever, it wasn't even longer than one chapter! But I still remember one thing about it. The main character was asked on a date by her best friend (also a girl), but she couldn't answer right away. So, she wandered around, asking each of their friends what they thoughts of it, talking out her feelings and nerves with them.

Eventually, she came to their last friend, but heard the girl who asked her out talking about her nervousness and stuff. She didn't even know that the main character was listening in. When their friend asked how much the main character meant to her, the girl didn't hesitate when she said that she'd give up the most important think to her in order to be with the main character.

It made me think... what am I willing to give up for her?

Not that she'd ask me to give anything up, but what means the most to me that I wouldn't argue about if she said that she didn't want me doing anymore?

Would I give up music for her? Would I give up running for her?

Would I give up sports?

...yeah.

If she asked me to give up sports to be with her, I wouldn't argue.

Now, how to tell her that without seeming sappy?

Maybe I should just ask her out on a date and just casually mention it. "Yeah, you're pretty awesome. By the way, if you ever asked me to give up the most important activity in my life to be with you, I wouldn't argue!"

Yeah, like that'd go over well.

Ugh, writing this down isn't helping. I'm going to go for a run.

Peace.

Author's Note

I didn't do a very good job at describing the story, but it's an actual fic on here. It's called The Question, by Rated Ponystar. It's actually one of my favorite fics. I highly recommend checking it out!

Also, letting me know what you think would be wonderful!

Entry 6

Dear Journal,

Ugh

I am never drinking again

I don't even remember half of what happened, but my phone says that I called her

I'm so paranoid about what I said. I don't know if I should ask, or just ignore it.

Maybe it'll go away

Head hurt. Write later. Sleep now.

Entry 8

Dear Journal,

Snuggling

It's something so awesome, but at the same time, super sappy. But I don't get that. Why would people judge other people for wanting to feel safe and secure?

I used to snuggle with my parents when I was younger. Now, I have a bajillion pillows on my bed that I can snuggle up against. In just the right position, it feels like heaven.

But lately, even in those really good pillow-snuggling positions, I haven't been able to sleep well at all. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong, but every night I get into an awesome position, fall asleep, then wake up in the middle of the night like five times! Like, I know I'm a restless sleeper, but I never had to wake up to turn over before!

I've been trying a couple different things to help me get to sleep. Warm milk before bed (which was gross), listening to calming music, wearing a sleep mask (which seems super overrated). Last time I visited Fluttershy's I even swiped one of her bottles of lavender oil. At least, I'm pretty sure that lavender is the smell that helps sleep.

You know what else helps people sleep? Snuggling next to someone they love.

Well, that's not gonna happen anytime soon.

I've always been a night owl, but because of my stupid body and brain not sleeping right, I have to stay up SUPER late so that I get so tired that I practically pass out. Of course, that doesn't help me get up any earlier.

I'm just glad that I'm not rooming with any of my friends anymore. Not that they're bad friends or bad roommates, but I'd feel really bad if my tossing and turning woke anyone up. Especially her. I think I'd also feel kinda embarrassed at how late I stay up. Cause I practically do nothing to pass the time! I'm just sitting on the couch with my feet up, watching tv shows that I don't even like.

Seriously, how many medical dramas do we need? I don't know, but I've watched most of them late at night.

I do have medicine that I can take to help me sleep better. Technically, I was already supposed to be taking it, but I hate the way it makes me feel. Even my friends noticed when we were living together.

They said it made me seem like a zombie. Don't get me wrong, I love a good zombie movie or video game, but it was terrible being one. I felt like I could never think clearly and that I had clouds in my head. I forgot a ton of stuff (one time, I forgot I even asked a question before I got an answer). It always made me sleepy. Sometimes, I'd wake up just before noon and have to take a nap in the afternoon just to get through the day without going crazy. I think I almost fell asleep while walking home from somewhere. That was a weird feeling.

If I could sleep like that now, I would. I wouldn't take all the other side effects, but it did make me sleep super heavy. Like, my alarm could be set to a fire alarm/siren combo on full volume and I still wouldn't hear it. I eventually stopped setting my alarm, because it made me feel bad about waking everyone else up (in the entire neighborhood!) while I just kept on sleeping.

I'm not going to take my medicine. Even if I can't sleep, it would just bring more problems with it.

Well, time to go toss and turn for hours on end.

Yay.

Entry 9

Dear Journal,

Well, today I kinda broke down. I didn't know what to do, so I locked myself in my house and baked.

Then I ate half of what I made.

I also ate some Halloween candy I already bought. It's only the first day of the month, but I've already decorated around the house. What can I say? I love October.

Even though I don't trick or treat anymore, I still look forward to October, especially Halloween. I'm probably just going to watch Nightmare Before Christmas while ignoring the kids that come up to my door. There really aren't a lot of kids around in my neighborhood, so there won't be a ton of trick-or-treaters.

Plus, a kid threw up on me when I opened the door last year. I really don't wanna have to go through that again.

I don't know what she has planned for Halloween. Or really what any of my friends have planned. Maybe I should plan something for all of us to do.

I heard about a ghost tour about an hour away from where I live. It's supposed to be super scary, where a guide brings you to 'haunted' places and tells stories about people who died years ago coming back and haunting people.

Apparently there's a house where, if you knock on the door, the ghost knocks back! It sounds awesome!

I'm sure that all the girls would get a kick out of it. Well, at least most of them.

Maybe I should dress up in a spooky costume and try to scare them as a prank!

I haven't been pranking much lately. I think my creativity is in a total rut. I just can't think of any good pranks. Either they're too small (like leaving cups of water out to confuse someone) or just too much work (breaking into someone's house and leaving baby powder everywhere).

Also, I'm terrible at picking locks.

I need to find some pranks that are easy (and not expensive) that aren't too much.

Of course, some of my friends are easier to prank than others. I really only need to say 'Boo!' to scare Fluttershy!

As long as I don't scare her too much though, I'm happy.

See ya

Entry 10

Dear Journal,

I fucked up.

So, I saw her today and decided to just go for it. I asked her if she wanted to have lunch with me, my treat.

I should've known it would be super awkward.

I'm just beating myself over how STUPID I was.

I'm never asking her out to lunch again. It was fun because we could chat, but it was just the unspoken word "DATE" that made it awkward.

At least I didn't give her a bunch of flowers. Now, that would be mortifying.

The lunch was a bad idea and I embarrassed myself in front of her. After we said goodbye, I listened to sad songs the whole way home.

I think I'm just going to curl up with a tub of ice cream and a drink. I wonder if I can make a spiked ice cream float. That sounds like exactly what I need, plus the leftover bread and some cartoons.

I think I like cartoons more when I'm drunk. I think it's the colors and (for the adult cartoons) the dirty jokes. They aren't really that good when I'm sober, though.

But, what I really need is to completely forget about what happened at lunch. How I made myself look like an idiot and just completely humiliated myself in front of her!

Not that I want to forget anything about her, but I just want to not feel terrible about what happened.

Ugh, I'm just going to see if I can make a spiked float. Later.

Entry 11

Dear Journal,

Well, I'm still here. I think I prefer to be asleep over being awake.

It turns out that a spiked ice cream float (vanilla ice cream with spiked seltzer) works kinda, but I think I just prefer opening up an ice-cold can and drinking from that. I drank way too much, which helped me forget my worries and just enjoy my cartoons.

...

This is stupid!

I'm stupid!

I hate that I can't control my emotions when I'm around her or when I'm even thinking about her!

Not even watching bloopers are helping me feel better.

I need to find something that will help me get my mind off of her. And it probably shouldn't be as destructive as getting piss-drunk every day. But I can't think of anything else that will help.

I'm so tired of being me. I can't take it anymore!

I can't trust myself. I'll make the same damn mistakes over and over again because I just won't learn.

I... don't think I should visit her again for a while. I'll just end up humiliating myself again.

Entry 13

Dear Journal,

Well, I got a call back for one of my resumes. It's not a lot of money, but it'll help me get out of the house and have something to focus on instead of wallowing.

I'm working as a mechanic's assistant. Basically just the person giving the mechanic tools as they need them and going over paperwork and safety stuff. But it does let me see a lot of cool cars.

I think I'm partial to dirt bikes and motorcycles. They're fast and free and I love the feeling of being on a bike.

Mine is falling apart. The handles shake whenever I try to slow down and it doesn't accelerate as well as it used to.

I'm not complaining though. It's a good bike and it's gotten me around just fine for a long time.

Although, sometimes I think that I'll crash it and it'll just die completely.

I crash it at least once a week, but I always wear my helmet, so I don't get that hurt. Just a bit banged up and bruised. At this point, when I crash (usually because I'm trying to do a stupid stunt), I'm more worried about the bike than myself.

My parents would kill me if they knew that the bike was my priority. Thankfully, they'll never know. And I wear all the gear I'm supposed to, including these really cool fingerless gloves. They're black fake leather with red accents and a picture of a skull on each back. In other words, super metal.

I have to restrain myself from wearing them everywhere.

I know that she would love them, but I'm not going to show her. Things are still awkward between us because of the 'date'.

I just wish that she would forget the entire thing happened.

It really was fun and we had a good time talking, but it was just awkward. I haven't really talked to her since then, but the next time I see her, I'm going to apologize. I crossed a line. Even though I was trying to be romantic and treat her to a lunch date, I won't do it again.

I hope I'll be able to not humiliate myself next time.

Entry 14

Dear Journal,

Today, I started working out again.

I've been ignoring working out for a while, but I felt like I needed to do something to feel normal.

I've just been jogging a bit lately, so I mainly focused on lifting some weights. Can't let my muscles waste away into nothing while pining away for her.

I've also been eating more fruits. Although, I have kept up watching my cartoons. I really can't get enough of them.

I think I'm just trying to make better choices. With my diet and my lifestyle. Maybe if I made better choices with her, I wouldn't be regretting everything.

I think that if I wasn't working out or watching cartoons, I'd still be curled up in bed, eating tub after tub of ice cream. Although, right now I'm still fighting against wanting to stay in bed.

...Maybe I'll give in and go to bed a bit early today. I am a bit sore from working out earlier.

Entry 15

Dear Journal,

Ugh, today was exhausting.

I had to work extra long hours because I had to train to do something, then my boss asked me if I could cover someone else's shift. I was really only supposed to do training today, so I wasn't ready for actual working.

On the plus side, I stopped by the grocery store on the way home and got one of my favorite snacks: jerky. It's waaaay too expensive, but it still tastes pretty good. I also got a case of spiked seltzer, for later.

My friends invited me to go with them on a road trip next week. I would usually be totally down for that, but with all the awkwardness going on lately, I think it'd be best if I kept my distance.

Also, I can't imagine how embarrassed I'd feel if we ended up sitting next to each other. For hours. I think I'd need at least three shots in my system before even thinking about doing that.

Speaking of shots, I have a bottle of tequila that's calling to me. And I can't think of a better way to forget embarrassing myself in front of her.

I should hide my phone before I start drinking. I REALLY don't want to call her while drunk off my ass.

Bottom's up.

Entry 16

Dear Journal,

I had a nightmare last night.

I used to get really bad nightmares that made me never want to sleep again, but I haven't had another one for a really long time. But this one was pretty bad.

The first part was decent. I was on a wonderful slide. Parts of it were see-through and it was really high up, but I wasn't afraid. Afterwards, I was in my room - with a nervous new roommate who I didn't recognize - and realized that I had lost my keys and phone on the slide. I was anxious trying to find them, mainly because I had to start climbing up from the bottom and kept slipping. Then, when I got back to the room, I opened the door to find that my new roommate had turned into a wolf. It was big, black, and hairy, with glowing red eyes. I closed the door to run away, but it crushed the door and walked towards me. I don't think I've ever been so terrified. I curled up in a ball until I woke up a second later.

Because I was still worked up from my dream, I ran outside and went for a jog, hoping that it would calm me down or at least give me something else to focus on.

It used to be that my only relief in life is sleeping because when I'm sleeping, I'm not sad, angry, or lonely. I don't have to be perfect or to impress everyone. I don't have to be the best at anything.

Now even my brain is turning against me.

Entry 18

Dear Journal,

Tired. I'm so tired.

I just feel exhausted all the time. Twilight says that there are two types of tired. For one, you need sleep, but for the other you need peace.

I think I'm the second one.

I called in sick to work again. I think my boss is starting to catch on, but I don't care.

I've run on my treadmill as fast as I can until I was about to fall down. I was kinda hoping it would help me take my mind off of everything.

It didn't really help.

I just want to feel better.

I just want to not feel guilty, stretched thin, or like I don't care about anything anymore.

Her birthday is coming up, but I'm not sure if I'll get totally fine between now and then. I just don't want to make a fool of myself in front of her again.

Entry 19

Dear Journal,

Nothing much has happened since yesterday. At least, nothing interesting.

I spent my day doing laundry, taking a shower, and getting a few things done. I've been wanting to organize the songs in my "Spooky Songs" playlist by order of creepiness for a while, since it is October, so I got that done. I don't think I realized until today just how many songs I have. All the songs I have in that playlist are creepy in some way, either just with creepy sounds or with sound effects. There are actually a lot of songs I have downloaded that have some evil laughter or other stuff in them. Eh, its October, so I figured I'd just get into the spirit.

I've been rereading Daring Do recently, and I can't put it down. I know that I've read it a ton of times before, but I don't really care. It's a good book so I'll reread it as many times as I can.

I can almost hear the book calling to me. I'm going to go read some more.

Entry 20

Dear Journal,

I'm kinda freaking out.

Not so much in that "omigosh, omigosh, omigosh, omigosh" sort of way, but more in the quiet freakout way.

I went over to Fluttershy's a couple of days ago. We caught up, chatted, drank wine (really, she drank the wine. I don't really like it).

The conversation just had to turn to her.

I was complaining a bit at how I hadn't gotten any sort of reply from her, especially not since I humiliated myself in front of her.

She asked me if that was how I truly felt about her. I answered her without even thinking, but she interrupted me and asked me if I truly had feelings for her. She said that she had some doubts about whether my feelings toward her were real or not.

I told her in the past how I had confessed my feelings to a few crushes, but they all rejected me. And, when I finally went out with somebody, he was just using me for my body. I ended things with him before they even began (it still makes me uncomfortable to think about), but it was also a failed relationship.

She thought that since I felt like I couldn't 'get' anyone, I fixated on one girl who I knew liked me, at least as a friend.

I...

I'm not sure what to believe right now.

It's true that I've chased after a few guys (and one or two girls) in my past, and it's also true that none of them felt the same way about me. But it can't be true that I'm just making up my feelings for her. It just can't!

Right?

Entry 21

Dear Journal,

It was my friend's birthday yesterday. She invited me over to her place for a small party and a sleepover. I got her a nice book, a candle, and a pin. I've been looking forward to it for a while because my friend invited her over, too.

Not that that was the only reason why I was looking forward to it. I love my friend and I would spend time with her, no matter who else she invited over.

We had a lot of fun. We all played some games together, ordered food, then watched a movie.

I think I was a little bit too obvious about wanting to get some alone time with her. I wanted to apologize for embarrassing myself the last time we saw each other.

I... never really got that alone time. It was only ten seconds, but I made sure I apologized in ten seconds flat! And it wasn't just 'I'm sorry'. I made it clear what I was apologizing for.

She didn't really have time to respond before our other friends interrupted. They mean well, but they're just clueless sometimes.

I stayed overnight while she and the others left. Something about work to do.

Is it bad that I wanted her to stay?

I couldn't just say that I wanted only her to stay while everyone else left! First off, it's not my house. And it would just look REALLY suspicious. And I don't want to reveal anything to anyone else.

But, just because I won't say it, doesn't mean I don't feel it. And I do feel it! Constantly!

It's exhausting.

Entry 23

Dear Journal,

I've just been staying at home, doing nothing. I've been losing sleep. I fell during a run last week and my arm still hurts, but I just don't feel like going to get it checked out.

I've been doing some thinking.

Y'know, my mom told me that someday I'll find someone to love. Someone who'll love me back.

But it doesn't seem like that will ever happen. Who could possibly love me if they knew the real me? The me who isn't great at everything, who isn't super confident, and who isn't twenty percent cooler than everyone else.

I've never felt like I deserved much, but it's funny that I just seem to lose everyone close to me.

Eventually, everyone leaves... Does that mean that she will leave me too?

I hope not, but... I'm afraid that she will.

...

Everyone thinks I'm a great person, but I'm not even a good person.

It's all a lie!

I feel bad for anyone who actually thinks that I'm a good role model.

I've lied to my closest family and friends. Just thinking about all the people that I've lied to makes me sad.

She would hate me if she knew.

I think one of my biggest fears is that one day my closest friends are going to discover that I'm not as good a person as they thought I was. I don't know if they would even still want to be friends with me after that.

Especially her.

I feel like I'm not truly needed, or wanted, and I never will be. I've got all these thoughts in my head saying all these negative things, and I'm starting to believe them. I don't know what to do anymore. Things get worse and worse every day.

I feel so alone.

Entry 25

Time stands still,
No end in sight
To this empty
World of mine.
They say good things
Come to those who wait.
I wait, and wait, and wait.
And yet .... nothing but
Stillness in my heart.
I know I'm loved, even though
I feel lost and alone.
I know someday will come,
But it feels like an eternity.
Time is standing still.

Entry 26

I learned a lesson during these past couple weeks. Mental and emotional pain hurt just as much as physical pain. In fact, I think it's worse.

There are things that you can do to help physical pain. A pill, heat, ice, whatever to ease the pain. But emotional and mental pain? No pill or massage will ease that.

It takes a long time to ease that kind of pain. I think people forget that. Broken bone? Cast, ice, and pain pills. It'll be better in a few weeks. I still remember that from middle school. Stupid Bulk Biceps tackled me when I was trying to make a goal and broke my shin. To be honest, I'm lucky that's all he broke.

But a broken spirit or broken heart? No cast, no ice, or pain pill for that. And it can last so long. I don't even know how long this will last. I know I'm being overdramatic, but there's really no other way to describe it.

I broke down yesterday and went to see the doctor. I told her how I've been losing sleep and feeling really achy and stuff, but she just wrote me a prescription and that was it.

It's weird. Something I've been putting off for weeks is over in less than an hour. But my pharmacy is closed, so I can't get the medicine until tomorrow. I don't even know what it's for exactly, but she told me it would help.

I hate feeling like this. I hate being so weak that I have to rely on medicine to help me feel better. I should be able to help myself, damnit! I'm Rainbow Freaking Dash!

Not that that really matters.

I got the doc to write up a doctor's note for my work. At least this time, when I'm not there, it'll be official.

I wish I didn't have this sort of problem.

Entry 27

Dear Journal,

How long can I keep this up?

We went out again, all of us. To catch up, they said. This was about a week ago, but I haven't felt like doing much of anything since then, including writing in my journal.

I was already caught up on their lives. It was always the same things. Studies, work/baking, work/family, work/fabric, and work/pets. The only thing that surprised me was that Flutters got engaged.

The guy seems a bit on the weird side, but she can bring out a gentleness in him that almost makes me believe in true love again.

Almost.

But, yeah, I'm the only one in our friend group who isn't working regularly. I quit my job a week or so ago. None of my coworkers were surprised.

I didn't need the money. My parents' will set me up for life, if I don't go crazy. I just needed something to do. Something to get out of the house.

I didn't tell my friends that. I just told them that everything was awesome.

Most of them believed it.

She didn't.

I could tell she was watching me. When I looked at her, my stomach did its usual flippy-floppy thing, but the look in her eyes almost stopped my heart. She was almost glaring. It looked like she was concentrating, as if she needed to study for a test and the answers were on my face.

I didn't know what to do. I just gave an awkward smile, shrugged, then turned to hear another customer horror story. I felt bad ignoring her, but she can't know how I really am. She just can't.

When it was my turn to talk about something new that happened, I bullshitted a story about a client coming in and giving me grief. I don't even really remember what it was about, but I think it was good. It was believable, at least.

Eventually someone had to leave. The party was winding down. I waited until I was like the third or fourth person leaving. I didn't want to go home to my empty house, but I didn't want to be alone with her.

But right when I announced that I was leaving, she said she was leaving too, and that we could walk to our cars together.

I was scared, but I forced myself to play it cool. She's my best friend for crying out loud!

I'd parked my bike right in front of the building we went to for ice cream, so we reached it first. Her beat-up car was farther away.

I still can't believe what happened.

One minute we were walking down the sidewalk towards my bike and the next she pushed me up against the brick wall.

Her face was only a few inches away from mine, but I couldn't move. She was pinning me there. We stood like that for a minute. I would've asked what was going on, but I lost my voice.

She eventually spoke. She asked, "Why'd you lie?" I really am a terrible liar.

I think I stammered something out about not knowing what she was talking about. I wasn't really paying attention to her anger. All I could think about was that she was so close to me. If I'd leaned forward just a bit, I would have kissed her.

But I didn't kiss her.

We argued for a bit longer until she let me go. I could barely look at her when I said goodbye, then I cranked the motor and sped off.

I wish that had all gone differently. I wish I wasn't so fucking fragile that a simple question from her freezes me up, let alone when she gets rough with me and expects me to be rough back. That's how we spent so much time as kids, so how can I explain something like that to her when she asks again?

I just don't know how much longer I can keep lying to her face.

Entry 29

Dear Journal,

Well, it’s another year over.

Fuck.

I’ve been feeling really nostalgic lately. Sometimes about better years when my whole family was here. Sometimes about when I didn’t have any cares at all.

And some of it was about her.

I’ve been thinking about our first kiss.

Yeah, we never really talked about it or my feelings for her, but we did kiss.

I’m not really sure when it was, but it was close to a year ago. I was spending a day with all of my friends and we were all playing Truth Or Dare.

Because no one wanted to have to come up with new truths and dares, we decided to make a physical version.

It was going great… until Flutters got a dare card. She doesn’t really go for dares. She prefers telling truths because it’s less nerve-wracking for her.

I’m just going to say, for the record, she had no idea about my little crush/obsession at the time.

Her dare card was a two-parter, and she couldn’t see what the second part was until she completed the first part. It was Pinkie’s idea, since you might be getting ready for something you thought was coming, but get caught completely off guard. I loved the idea, until it shoved me under the bus, big-time.

Flutters’ card told her to choose two people from our group. She could have chosen any two people, but she chose me and her. I was hoping for an arm wrestle. Or a race. The sight of her might turn my legs to jelly, but I’m still super competitive, dammit!

It wasn’t an arm wrestle or a race.

We had to kiss. And yes, it was technically Flutters’ card, but she already finished her part because she chose us.

We also added a point system because we wanted it to be more like a game. If you completed a truth or a dare you got a point. If you participated in a dare that wasn’t yours, you also got a point, but if you chicken out of a truth or a dare, no matter if it was yours or not, you lost a point.

I was axious, but I was not losing a point.

It still makes my heart jump a little whenever I remember it.

…

I wish it had never happened, though.

Don’t get me wrong, it was amazing. Spending time with all of my friends, sharing a kiss with the girl of my dreams, and just having the time of my life? Absolutely.

But I think it gave me some false hope.

…

She’s never going to love me back. Not in the same way, at least.

And that’s why it hurts so much.

I remember reading something in a book back when I took literature. Twilight kinda helped me with the subject, so I remember more than I thought I would. But, I remember reading somewhere that ~~unrek~~ ~~unrequitted~~ one-sided love hurts so much because you’re mourning for them while still seeing them around.

Kinda like when my parents died, I mourned for them. I took down all the pictures around the house with them, just so it would be easier for me. But the problem with one-sided love mourning is that the other person isn’t dead. You can’t pretend that they’re not there just so it’ll be easier. Then you’re just a dick.

So you have to mourn what could have been while pretending that everything is just fine.

I’ve never been a good liar. I can only pretend I’m fine for so long.

I think that if I didn’t have so many great memories of the two of us, it would make it easier to pretend that everything was okay.

Things would be so much easier if we weren’t such great friends.

Entry 30

Dear Rainbow,

How long have you felt like that? I honestly had no idea. I mean, I knew something was going on, but I never expected it to be something like this.

I... don't know what to say, really.

We've been friends for as long as I can remember. Sure, we've argued and fought, but I can't think of a time when we weren't friends.

When my parents passed, you were there for me to lean on. You didn't say nothing sarcastic or complained that I cried all my tears out on your shoulder. You... gave me something to be happy about again.

I guess I was a mite selfish when I should have been comforting you.

When your parents passed, I didn't really know how I could help. I just told myself that you needed time and space.

I guess I gave you too much of it, though. I'm real sorry about that.

I'm sorry about a lot of things.

I'm sorry for teasing you like that when I know now that it just confused and frustrated you.

I'm sorry for riding you to tell me the truth when it was making you uncomfortable. I value honesty, but not so much to hurt you while wringing it out of you.

I'm sorry for reading your journal. I thought there'd be something in here that would help me know how to help you. I knew something was wrong, but I didn't understand.

I'm really sorry for not recognizing the signs earlier. That you were lonely and that you had feelings for me. I should've been able to tell, but I guess I was just blind.

All those days you spent alone in your house... That would make anyone exhausted and lonely.

When Ma and Pa died, I locked myself in my room for days. I was grieving, but I also didn't want anyone to pity me. Is that why you spent so long in this house, stuffed up to the shingles in silence?

It must've been hell.

I never meant to hurt you. You are my closest friend, and I'd rather face a swarm of vampire fruit bats than hurt you.

Which is why I lied to you.

It tore me up inside and out, but I had to. If i'd told you how I really felt...

What I'm trying to say

The truth is

Shit, this is impossible.

I'm telling you the honest truth. I like you too, Rainbow Dash. Like as more than a friend.

I told you I knew I was attracted to girls about a year and a half ago. I didn't tell you how I figured it out.

You were always there for me, ready to challenge me to do better, telling a joke to help me feel better on bad days, and even just being there without having to say anything.

You make me want to be a better person. And I want to be a better person just to make you happy.

I wish I could have told you this sooner, but I was too chicken. It was never the right time.

Eventually, I started ignoring my feelings because I didn't think that someone as awesome as you would be interested in a down-home southern... me. I never felt like I was good enough.

It didn't help whenever you said you were 20% cooler than everyone else in the whole damn town.

Gosh, even though I'm not saying this to your face, it's still hard.

Rainbow Dash, will you go out with me?

Rainbow couldn't move. Her eyes blinked slowly, trying to make sense of the words she was reading.

The words she had written to her.

A shiver ran down her spine as she reread the last line, the question that she had been dreaming about for so long.

A wide grin split her face as she willed her body to move, grabbing her rain boots and helmet.

A loud peal of thunder crashed as Rainbow opened her front door. She didn't even know when she had written that.

Rainbow wasn't exactly punctual when it came to writing in her journal. Her last entry had been months ago.

She didn't even want to think about what's been going through her head since she wrote that.

The growl of Rainbow's motorcycle was drowned out by another roar of thunder. The rain was falling almost in sheets, but she didn't care.

She was on a mission and nothing was going to stop her.

The trees blurred past as Rainbow sped down the road. She knew the way she was going by heart. She had walked there so many times as a kid that she could probably get there blindfolded.

Although, with the pouring rain, she might as well have been blindfolded.

It didn't matter. No one else was on the streets, so Rainbow arrived at the farm in record time.

As she shut her bike off, she didn't even bother leaving it upright. Instead, she let it fall sideways into the growing puddle of muck. She'd have time to clean it later. It wasn't important right now.

She dropped her helmet next to the bike, mentally reminding herself to wipe out the inside before she left.

WIth her helmet gone, Rainbow's hair quickly slicked down to her scalp with the torrential rainfall. She was trembling, but more from excitement and anticipation than from the chill. Her clothes were plastered to her body, but she didn't care.

Forcefully shoving away all of her doubts and anxiety, Rainbow marched right up to the front door and knocked.

"I'll get it!" called a voice from inside. Even though it was faint, it still made Rainbow's heart skip a beat.

All too soon, the door opened, Applejack stood in the doorway, mouth agape at the sight. "Rainbow...?"

"Before you say anything," Rainbow interrupted. "I want to tell you something important."

She took a deep breath, ready to bare her heart, but stopped abruptly. Applejack had walked out into the rain and embraced Rainbow, who gladly returned the gesture.

Neither one knew how long they stood there, in the rain, resting in each other's arms.

Eventually, Applejack pulled her head back enough to look Rainbow in the eye. "Is this what you wanted to tell me?"

Rainbow shook her head, words failing her. As she reached up and cupped Applejack's cheek, the world fell away. She leaned in and, ever so gently, pressed her lips against the farmer's.

As the thunder crashed overhead, drenching both women, Rainbow felt happy. She never wanted this moment to end. This was the kiss that she had been dreaming of for so long. She half-expected to wake up in her bed, again tormented by dreams that would never happen.

But this feeling, Applejack's mouth against hers, her arms embracing her, even her natural scent of apples and cinnamon, were all real. Rainbow was sure of it.

As the kiss ended, they rested their foreheads together, breathless. Neither one wanted to move from their embrace. Applejack's arms wound tight against Rainbow's back, while Rainbow idly stroked Applejack's cheek with a thumb.

"...I thought you'd never read it," Applejack chuckled.

"I was a bit distracted," Rainbow whispered, not bothering to hide the smile on her face.

Applejack released Rainbow and stepped away slightly, grinning. "Would'ya like to come inside? It's a mite damp out here, and it might be nice to talk a bit," she looked back towards the door, still hanging ajar.

Rainbow laughed at the sarcasm, her first real laugh in a long time. Still smiling, she followed Applejack inside.

Author's Note

So, this is the final chapter of the story. I know it's not exactly the same as the other chapters, but I thought this was a good way to end it. Especially after all the angst I put Rainbow through.

The point of the ending was to show that while I've been writing Rainbow as feeling all alone in this world, she has Applejack to lean on. This doesn't mean that her bouts of depression and anxiety will just disappear, but she will be more suited to handle them now with a support system. While I ended the story at a bit of a weird point (ending it before their conversation inside the house), I thought that having too much exposition would just ruin the whole thing. Rest assured, in the story they talk extensively about Applejack's feelings, Rainbow's feelings, the journal, etc. and eventually start dating.

They have plenty of things to worry about in their lives, but they have each other to lean on, so they'll be okay.

Please let me know what you thought of this series. I know I was a bit sporadic with uploads, both in time and in length, but I try not to force creativity. If you force it too much, you lose the spark that drew you to it in the first place. Then, it'll never get done.

Anyway, I'm relieved that this is finally over. I liked writing it, but it was taxing constantly having a negative point of view (for maximum angst, of course). While I did pull some aspects from real life, a lot of the scenarios were created just for this story, such as Rainbow's parents dying from a drunk driver and Applejack getting physical with Rainbow out of frustration in Chapter 27.

I know it's probably not my best story, but I'm happy with how it turned out.

Entry 5

Dear Journal,

Bleh

Today I spent the day by myself. Scootaloo had a thing at a place, and I just stayed at home, watching cartoons to feel better.

I've been thinking about baking.

There's a recipe that I always make when I'm feeling crappy. It's a family recipe, and it always makes me feel nice.

Not even my friends know about it.

I can't even cook (or bake? Is that different?) anything really. But my mom showed me how to make it and it was important to her.

So it's important to me.

I really need to visit them soon.

I have all the ingredients to make it, but I don't want to admit that I'm feeling terrible. If I start making it, then I'll think about everything.

About her, Gilda, my parents, and how I CAN'T HANDLE ANY OF IT!

I feel like I'm balancing on a tightrope over a bottomless pit. One wrong step and I'll fall to my death.

I have to be the perfect, awesome person I pretend to be. Otherwise I'll...

...

I don't even know what would happen. I don't think I want to know.

I have the ingredients. I could make the recipe.

I have a car. I could visit my parents.

I have a phone. I could call her.

But, instead, I'm just going to wallow and watch my cartoons. They make me feel happy. No character in a cartoon feels pain like this. No character in a cartoon is so paranoid about being perfect.

I wish my life was like a cartoon.

All I'd have to do was sing a little song, learn an obvious lesson, and everything would be peachy.

I'm going to cut it short today. Maybe have a little make-out session with a bottle.

Entry 7

Dear Journal,

Today, I visited my parents.

I'd forgotten how much I missed them.

I haven't even told my friends about what happened to them. They just think that my folks are always out of town doing business or some crap.

When I got there, I didn't even know what to say. I'm no good at that sort of thing.

I just sat down on the grass and leaned back against the stone.

I really do miss them.

If I ever found that FUCKER

No, don't think about that. Think calming thoughts

Breathe

Breathe

It's been so long, but I can still see their loving expressions. Their supportive words. They always thought I could do anything in the world!

I didn't appreciate them enough.

I went to see someone to help me after it happened. I didn't really want to, but the doctors thought it was for the best.

She didn't really help me though. I got out of there the first chance I got.

I hate that it happened, but I still have to live with it.

It made me have to grow up sooner than I should have. I guess that's why I act so childish sometimes, with pranks and all.

I've had to act so perfect for everybody else that it's getting exhausting.

I think I should just get away from everything. Maybe just go deep into the forest and yell until I lose my voice completely.

It might help me feel better. And I don't think it will destroy my head the next day, either.

The anniversary is coming up next month. I'm still not sure if I should come back to visit them or...

But I don't want to call her again while I'm piss-drunk.

I'm gonna go for a walk.

Bye

Entry 12

Dear Journal,

I think my friends are ignoring me. I asked them if anyone wanted to hang out sometime next week, but no one answered.

It got me wondering... what if she told the rest of our friends what happened between us? How I completely embarrassed myself in front of her, and telling them how pathetic I am?

I don't think I could handle losing all of my friends. They're the only things keeping me sane right now.

Scootaloo would be helping, but she moved a few days ago.

I'm all alone.

I need to find something to do. Something to keep my mind off of my friends and her.

I sent out resumes a few days ago, but I haven't heard back. Hopefully, if I get a job, I'll have something else to focus on. It's not like I need the money. My parents left me some money in their will. It would just be a way to get out of the house and get my mind off of everything.

If no one calls me back, I wonder how I'd take it. Thinking that no one wants me, as a friend or an employee.

But I'm confident that at least one company will call me back. I'm perfect for the job I applied for.

I think right now, I just need to relax. I should probably go take a nap.

Later

Entry 17

Dear Journal,

I know I'm an idiot.

I know I'm dense.

I know that I'm pathetic, lazy, and just a general fuckup.

But I can't let anyone else know I'm feeling like that. I have to be confident. I HAVE to be perfect!

Why can't I just learn to stop acting with my emotions? Every time I act the way I feel, it ends badly.

I feel like a fool.

Is it possible to shut down your emotions? Like, just think logically without any feelings at all? I think I need that for the rest of my life.

At least that way, I won't feel like a complete basket case whenever I talk to her. Seriously, just THINKING about her in a romantic way makes my hands start to sweat and my heart skips a beat. I wish I didn't have all these stupid emotions, but I do! So, how am I supposed to deal with them?!

...

I still haven't apologized to her for the awkwardness over our 'date'. We've texted a few times since then, but it's only been funny pictures. I ~~think I should~~ know I should apologize, but I think I should wait until I can say it to her face.

I hate the way that texting doesn't really help show what you're feeling. I tend to be kinda casual in my texting, but that just comes off as passive-aggressiveness. I just don't want her to get the wrong idea.

I've been regretting it again. Hard. I called in sick to work, so I could just lay in bed for two days, just looking at the ceiling and doing nothing. Whenever I left to use the bathroom or get some food, I just felt... lifeless.

I'll get over it eventually. I always do, sooner or later.

Entry 22

Dear Journal,

Everyone has a past, but the difference between each person is if they learn from it or dwell on it.

Heh, sometimes fortune cookies are pretty deep.

I think I prefer to dwell on the future instead of the past. There are more opportunities to change the future (unless that crazy Dr. Hooves gets his famous 'time machine' working)

My past isn't really something that I like to think about. My memories are really fuzzy and it kinda hurts to try to remember, which is another reason why I have this journal.

I think my mom dropped me on my head when I was a baby. I don't know how anyone else's brain is supposed to work, but I don't think that memories are supposed to get this foggy this quickly.

Except when I'm embarrassing myself. THOSE memories are crystal clear.

I think I hate my head.

Maybe that's why I'm so dense and why I'll never get someone like her.

You know, I can remember the most random things (like how bananas are slightly radioactive) from like fifteen years ago, but all the important stuff just won't stick.

And don't even get me started on tests!

In school, I tried to study for tests, but if anyone so much as said "Testing, testing, 1, 2, 3!", I'd zone out. It's not my fault, I just couldn't help it!

Maybe that's why I'm so stupid. I never learned a thing in school because of my stupid brain, and now I can't even remember the good times I had with my friends.

I remember skipping school, but I don't remember what we did. It all gets super fuzzy after that.

It's frustrating.

Ehh, I've always been more of a doer than a thinker.

Entry 24

Dear journal,

My head is spinning from all my thoughts.

Oh, and probably from not eating.

It's weird, I have two things that I desperately want at the same time, but they're completely different.

On one hand, I want to think about her all the time. Every waking moment, every second spent dreaming at night. I'd practically worship the ground she walks on. Which, is actually pretty accurate because I already think she's perfect.

But...

On the other hand, I want to forget her. Well, maybe not forget her completely, but at least forget enough so that I don't have to hurt any more. I think that if I experienced this pain physically, I'd want to go to the doctor immediately to get it to stop. And one way to get this sort of pain to stop is to forget about her.

But that's so cruel. And she's my best friend. How can even a part of me want to forget her?

I guess, because it'd be so much easier that way.

I wouldn't have to second-guess everything I say to her.

I wouldn't have to suddenly deal with crippling anxiety when I think of her randomly during the day. Seriously, it's getting kinda bad. The other day at work, I forgot how to speak for a moment.

And all because I thought of her expression when I told a pretty awesome joke a while back.

Ugh, that smile.

That damned smile with those damned eyes just sparkling.

I could stare into them forever.

I love her so much it hurts. Is that normal? Is this what real love feels like?

When I'm with her, I wish I could bottle how I feel so I could just drown in them. But, when I'm not with her, it's suffocating, like a monster eating me from the inside out.

Of all the people in the world, she was the one to steal my soul.

Of course, I've had crushes before, but never like this. There were a couple guys in school, and one girl I met at a retreat, but none of them can hold a candle to her. Heck, I don't think anyone can hold a candle to her!

There I go again. Practically worshipping her.

I need to reign it in. Otherwise, she'll be able to tell something's up.

I'm a terrible liar, especially when I'm lying to her.

And if she asks me if I'm okay, I'm screwed.

Because, honestly speaking, I'm not okay. I know it's not healthy to let an infatuation get out of hand like this. I know it's not healthy to neglect work, pretending to be sick when I'm really just in bed, trying to drown my feelings in ice cream. That is, when I even can eat.

My stomach's just been in knots recently. Almost everything I eat makes me feel even sicker, and my chest has been hurting so much, I've been losing sleep. It feels like something's being stabbed into my chest over and over again. Whenever I take my shirt off, I expect to see a mark, at least a bruise, but there's always nothing.

It makes no sense to me.

Nothing makes any sense.

Entry 28

Dear Journal,

I've been regretting so much recently. Everything, from the biggest mistakes I've made to all the times I've humiliated myself. I'm regretting it all.

Why did I have to kick that pebble on the sidewalk that hit that dog in the face?

Why did I act so stupid when I needed to think quickly?

Why was I such a bad roommate?

Why was I such a horrible friend?

Why couldn't I get my life together?

Everything's wrong. Nothing's right. It all feels like a lie. Like a house of cards that's about to topple.

How can I keep standing if I doubt everything I've ever done?

I hate this. I hate all of this.

I'm so done with all of this. I'm on my own.

I... I feel like I'm drowning, but no one around me is noticing. They're all expecting me to be the same old Rainbow. The awesome athlete who is 20% cooler at everything that anyone else.

But I'm dying slowly and no one seems to notice.

Or care.

Fuck, I regret so much of my life.

I don't think I've ever been able to do anything right.