A New...Something?

by Leondude

Rating: teen
Tags: Narcotics, Original Character, Izzy Moonbow, Alternate Universe, Comedy, My Little Pony: A New Generation, Other, Sunny Starscout, Hitch Trailblazer, Random, Adventure, Violence, Death
Length: 5025

A shining, shimmering, splendid...something something G5. Oh, and social media exists.

The pony world of Equestria has lost its magic. (GASP!) Friendship and Harmony have been replaced by paranoia and mistrust, and Ponies now live separated by species. Sunny – a feisty and idealistic young Earth Pony – is convinced there’s still hope for this divided world… but her slightly misguided and often hilarious efforts to change hearts and minds have led to her being branded a misfit.

Until her Facehoof friend, Izzy Moonbow, decided to pay her a visit.

Published 2021-09-24 18:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2021-10-29 20:09:38 UTC

Part 1 - Don't Count On It, Argyle

The pony-shaped lights galloped around the darkened bedroom as Sunny snuggled next to her Fausticorn plush, waiting for her father to tell her another epic tale involving the Guardians of Harmony and how they defeated and/or even tamed some of the most ferocious beasts and loathsome ne’er do wells that plagued Ancient Equestria. She always liked listening to their heroic exploits compared to the scary stories her history teacher usually rambled on about, to say nothing of how her hare-brained biology teacher believed unicorns are aliens from outer space.

“Once upon a time,” Argyle said as he looked at the night-light, “Earth ponies, pegasi and unicorns lived in harmony. Then, one day, a fearsome trio of Tartarus escapees worked together to get revenge on the Guardians of Harmony for throwing them in there in the first place. Through their sneaky ways, they spread rumours about how unicorns wanted to shoot lasers at all the other ponies and eat them for breakfast and how pegasi were vicious animals that would also like to eat the other ponies. Because of the ponies fighting each other, the Windigoes cursed them with a winter that would have lasted for all of eternity if not for the timely arrival of the Guardians of Harmony. With the strength of their bonds, they cast out the Windigoes with a big rainbow laser and punished the trio by turning them into stone, making sure they never harmed another pony again. The end.”

Sunny was confused by the ending of the story when compared to the reality of her world, “But if the Guardians of Harmony saved the day, then why can’t we be friends any more?”

“Who knows?” Argyle replied, “Politics, morality, whether the Guardians of Harmony were real or not, even that baloney critical race theory your teachers keeps trying to shove down your throat. Maybe one day, we’ll figure it out.”

A red unicorn with a dishevelled mane and tail suddenly appeared in the window before descending, “Don’t count on it, Argyle.”

Sunny gasped excitedly, “UNICORN!”

Argyle looked at the bouncing unicorn with confusion, “Can I help you?”

“Depends,” the unicorn replied before descending again, “Do you...Know where the...Magic is?”

“Well, there’s a crystal under my daughter’s night-light that, if joined up with these two other crystals, should bring the magic back,” Argyle replied.

“Cool,” the bouncing unicorn said before looking at Sunny, “By the way...If you...Want to be...Friends with...Other ponies...Might I...Suggest...Creating a...Facehoof account?”

“She’s too young for that and we can’t afford wi-fi,” Argyle replied.

“Bummer,” the unicorn said before descending again, this time with a loud crunch, “Could you take me to Bridlewood, please? I think I broke my leg and I’d rather take my chances with the local witch doctor than the hicks in this backwater town. Not that I’m implying all Earth ponies are backwards hicks, just the ones in Maretime Bay because they would rather spend money on machinery that supposedly protects them from our mind-reading capabilities than actually look up whether or not unicorns and pegasi want to eat them. Plus, I’m very certain the surgeons here would hack my leg off and mount it over a fireplace next to a T-shirt saying ‘I slayed a unicorn and all I got was this lousy T-shirt’.”

Argyle continued to stare at the window in confusion, wondering what the hay just happened and how did a unicorn manage to sneak into Maretime Bay without getting arrested by the extremely xenophobic police. Sunny, meanwhile, was sound asleep. Deciding he had nothing better to do, Argyle went downstairs and trotted outside to help the strange unicorn.

It was another sunny day as Sunny prepared to make her way to the Canterlogic fashion show in another attempt to change Maretime Bay’s views with facts and logic that she had spent hours printing off of her cheap computer. She would have used the computers in the public library but she was banned two years ago for ‘suspicious behaviour’. Normally, she wouldn’t trust Twilipedia but she checked out the sources and they were legitimate enough to prove that pegasi and unicorns aren’t the laser-shooting cannibals the history and biology books liked to write them as. And what were those sources? The manuscripts for the original Harry Trotter books before recent re-releases were rewritten to align with her town’s backwards ideals. For example, Harry Trotter was a unicorn in the original books rather than an Earth pony who had to cut off a unicorn horn so he could wield unicorn magic. As she roller-skated down to her destination, she engaged in the old Equestrian tradition of belting out into a musical number.

Good morning, sun
No time to chat, I got to run,
Because I got places to be

So much to do,
Excited, yes, and nervous too,
A change is starting with me

To make her journey quicker, she attached herself to a tram that had just recently stopped.

I never worry about upsetting carts,
Hardened hear-Agh!

Unfortunately, due to tram wheels and roller-skate wheels being very different, her roller-skates got stuck and she fell over in her attempt at reaching her destination.

And then she heard screaming.

“What the?” Sunny pondered.

As she got up, she curiously trotted over to investigate what had happened. Suddenly, a stampede of ponies pushed her over as they ran in a hurry. There were two possible reasons as to why everypony would be charging down the same path. Either they really wanted to see the fashion show or there was a natural disaster on the horizon. She would have gotten up again to continue investigating but, amidst all the commotion, she saw something she never thought she’d get to see in her lifetime.

The unicorn friend she made on Facehoof.

“Hi, Sunny,” Izzy said innocently.

Sunny stared in awe at the unicorn before her. She couldn’t believe what she was seeing. The smoove lavender coat contrasting the wild but surprisingly luscious blue mane, all topped off by beautiful magenta eyes. For a while, she thought Izzy Moonbow was just a fake persona created by the police to arrest her for being a ‘horn-lover’. Who else would have been patient enough to wait for her responses because of the awful broadband she had to use after getting banned? But there she is, right in front of her. She was so amazed by Izzy’s sudden arrival that she didn’t even notice the screaming ponies that were running away from them. Unsurprisingly, Izzy eventually noticed Sunny’s constant leering.

“Do you also like staring contests?” Izzy asked.

Sunny blushed, “Oh, sorry about that. It’s just so crazy seeing an actual unicorn in person. So, what brings you over to Maretime Bay?”

“A big tree fell on my house,” Izzy replied, “So I thought I’d hang out with you since, you know, we’ve been besties since forever.”

“I wouldn’t say forever but we have definitely known each other ever since I set up my Facehoof account,” Sunny sheepishly pointed out.

“By the way, is everypony playing hide-and seek?” Izzy asked before spotting a random Earth pony behind an ice-cream stall, “I see you.”

“Ah, it’s a unicorn!” the pony screamed as he galloped into the sea.

Distracted by the sudden arrival of the majestic mare before her, it only just occurred to Sunny what town she lived in. A backwater town that had most likely been brainwashed by the insane ramblings of Mrs Hashbrown and Mr Twigmane, who were most likely brainwashed by their own teachers in school, to say nothing about all the monster movies such as ‘Horns’ and ‘The Creature From Bridlewood’. As much as she would have loved giving Izzy the grand tour of Maretime Bay, she realized it wouldn’t be long until Hitch and his deputy, Sprout, would try to detain Izzy. While she could convince Hitch to treat Izzy in an equine manner, she feared what would happen if Sprout got his hooves on her. Or worse, if an angry mob of ponies showed up and took matters into their own hooves. Given the mass hysteria at the sight of one unicorn, was it any wonder the unicorn stallion from Sunny’s childhood would rather be dragged back to Bridlewood than take his chances at the Maretime Bay General Hospital?

“I got to get you outta here!” Sunny exclaimed as she dragged Izzy along with her.

“Where are we going?” Izzy asked obliviously.

Author's Note

Behold! An extremely random, heavily satirical retelling of the recently released My Little Pony: A New Generation.

Rated T because I'll be damned if I don't get to write a scene where Sprout shouts this to Izzy and Sunny:

Oh, and the aforementioned violence. But you'll have to wait a while before things actually get violent. So stay tuned because I will be updating this story on a weekly basis.

BTW, because this is in an alternate universe, don't be too surprised if scenes play out differently than they did in the movie.

Part 2 - The Age of Magic (or lack thereof)

Within the walls of the Canterlogic fashion show, Hitch and his deputy, Sprout, were tasked with watching over the fashion show to make sure nothing went wrong. Especially if the one thing that could go wrong was the possibility of a certain political activist interrupting the show midway through a demonstration of anti-alicorn technology. While Hitch tolerated Sunny's enthusiasm and willingness to befriend dangerous creatures ever since they were foals, he feared that her efforts may one day spell the end for Maretime Bay and his career as a sheriff. She already got into enough trouble in the public library for using this strange form of communication known as "social media".

"Up first, we have Sugar Moonlight," Phyllis announced as she introduced her latest item and the model wearing it, "Looking absolutely stunning in our high-tech anti-mind-reading hat."

Hitch moved his head to the beat playing over the display. It reminded him of that time he was undercover at that music festival he nearly arrested Sunny at. And it drowned out Sprout slurping at his drink.

"Now let's welcome Sparkle Chaser and his Pega-parascope goggles," Phyllis announced, "The easy way to keep your eye on the sky."

Unfortunately for Sparkle Chaser, his pair of Pega-parascope goggles made it difficult for him to keep his eye on the floor too, considering he immediately did a pratfall off the stage.

"It's all part of the show," Phyllis said nervously before continuing to announce her products, "Next up, our Earth pony balloon escape pack."

As if she wasn't already setting herself up for a lawsuit down the line, the poor pony wearing the escape pack flew out the open window. An open window that Hitch's activist friend could easily jump through.

"Yikes, that's gonna be a lot of paper work," Hitch stated before looking around for a ladder, "Anypony got a ladder?"

Sprout shrugged as he continued slurping his drink, much to Hitch's annoyance.

"We take great care here at Canterlogic to ensure the safety of you," Phyllis said to her audience despite evidence to the contrary, "Our customers."

"Aw," the audience said collectively, touched by Phyllis' words.

"Now please, stand back," Phyllis warned her audience, "This product testing demonstration is fully-automated."

The stage-lights turned on to reveal a crash-test dummy, only for the dummy to be pushed over by a soaking wet Earth pony with a bit of seaweed in his mane.

"There's a bucking unicorn in the town!" the pony exclaimed.

Sprout spat out his drink as everypony gasped. Knowing there was one anti-mind-reading hat in the vecinity, everypony except for Hitch, Sprout, and Phyllis turned their heads towards Sugar Moonlight.

"Oh, no," Sugar said quietly.

The fear-stricken audience stampeded towards her as she immediately ran for her life.

"Remember, these products will be out tomorrow," Phyllis said nervously as the stampede of ponies ran past her, "Hundred bits a pop."

Hitch sighed as he put a hoof to his forehead. He knew Sunny had something to do with this. He just knew.

Meanwhile, in the lighthouse Sunny called home, Izzy looked around the humble abode. The one thing that did catch her eye was the action figures of the Guardians of Harmony and the poster of Princess Twilight Sparkle's flank.

"Wow," Izzy said in awe, "You collect Guardians of Harmony memorabillia too?"

"It's a hobby of mine," Sunny sheepishly replied.

Izzy gasped, "And you have a rare Platinum Rarity. Guess that's why she's called Rarity. Because her figures are rare."

"That's actually an heirloom," Sunny said as she pointed at the Platinum Rarity, "My dad gave it to me and his dad gave it to him and his mom gave it to him. Goes back a couple of generations, actually."

"Coooooooool," Izzy said as she continued to stare in awe at the figure before her, "So, where is your dad?"

Sunny looked away forelornely, "I don't wanna talk about it."

"Oh..." Izzy said quietely as she looked at Sunny, "My bad."

"Anyway," Sunny said as she immediately perked up and trotted towards a tin of beans, "Can you make this float? It would be so cool if you can make it float."

Izzy looked at the can of beans before giving Sunny an embarrassed look, "No. But I can do this."

Izzy threw the tin of beans in the air and immediately played hackey-sack with it using her horn. It took six bounces before it landed on the floor, but not before the beans fell out and landed on the floor.

"Ta-daaaaaaaaa!" Izzy exclaimed, as if bouncing something on her horn was the most magical thing in the world.

"You don't have any magic?" Sunny asked, perplexed by her unicorn companion's sudden lack of magic.

"We did have it," Izzy replied, "Then it just poof, disappeared. Kinda like the season 8 finale of the Guardians of Harmony cartoon."

Sunny gasped at her friend acknowledging the existence of her favourite cartoon, "You watch the Guardians of Harmony cartoon as well?!"

"Every Saturday," Izzy replied, "Then I stopped halfway through season 6 because it kinda blowed after they redeemed Starlight Glimmer."

"Then how did you know about what happened in the season 8 finale?" Sunny asked.

"I looked it up," Izzy cheerfully replied, "Who knew it was the cute little pegasus dwarf?"

Sunny chuckled sheepishly, "Actually, Cozy Glow was a filly."

Izzy gave Sunny an odd look, "Really? But where are her parents? Why is she so smart for a filly? And would the Guardians of Harmony be cruel enough to throw a filly into Tartarus without trial? Unless she was given a trial but it was a show trial done out of formality. Ever wonder that?"

Sunny was taken aback by Izzy's questions, "Uh...the writers took liberties with the source material?"

Izzy gave Sunny a fierce glare before blinking, smiling and shrugging, "Fair enough. Might explain why Sunset Shimmer did a total 180 in personality. You know what I think happened when Twilight reformed Sunset. Rather than be blasted with the elements, she put her human hand to Sunset's demon-human face and forced Sunset to SUFFER ME NOW!"

Sunny wasn't even going to question how her friend somehow managed to make her voice sound demonic despite her lack of magic.

"So, do you want to go on a quest to find the magic?" Sunny asked.

"Sure!" Izzy replied excitedly.

Author's Note

Well, we can officially say Izzy is the new Pinkie Pie. :rainbowlaugh:

I say this as a good thing even though I actually consider it a bad thing.

Fun fact: I wrote this chapter in one day.

Part 3 - Beloved Sheriff, Beloved Something

Hitch stood outside of Sunny's lighthouse with his deputy in tow. He had a megaphone in one hoof and a Splat-a-pult right next to him that he was not afraid to use. They were also wearing prototypes of the anti-mind-reading helmets that Sprout's mother was supposed to release tomorrow before the sudden supply and demand meant they had to be released early lest any more unfortunate catwalk models get whaled on by a stampede of panicking ponies.

"Sunny Starscout!" Hitch shouted into the megaphone before it gave out a loud feedback, "Ow, that hurt. Sunny Starscout! I know you're in there with that unicorn! Come out with your hooves up and surrender!"

"Yeah!" Sprout exclaimed enthusiastically, "You are completely surrounded!"

Hitch put down his megaphone, "Would you let me do my job?"

"Would you let me do my job?" Sprout mockingly repeated.

"I heard that!" Hitch exclaimed before picking his megaphone back up, "You are under arrest! And so is your unicorn friend!"

The door of the lighthouse slowly creaked open as a pony trotted out. Judging by the horn on top of her head, Hitch and Sprout knew immediately this was the unicorn that invaded the town.

"Hi, guys," the unicorn said jovially, "Now, I know what you're thinking."

Sprout screamed as he threw his anti-mind-reading hat onto the ground, "The hats don't work! She's already reading our minds!"

Before anypony could blink, Sprout had turned around and immediately scarpered away from the lighthouse.

"Where are you going?!" Hitch yelled.

"To get reinforcements!" Sprout replied.

"We have reinforcements?" Hitch said to himself.

Distracted by his companion's cowardice, Hitch failed to notice that the unicorn had disappeared as well. But, luckily for Hitch, she left the door to the lighthouse open. Worried that the unicorn might sneak up on him and stab him with her horn like in The Creature From Bridlewood, Hitch carefully made his way into the lighthouse.

"Just so you know, Sunny," Hitch warned his friend under the belief she was still in the house, "I have a warrant that allows me to search your house. There better not be any more unicorns around here."

As Hitch looked around, he saw the ridiculous amount of Guardians of Harmony paraphernalia. He knew Sunny liked to read up on the legends and was obsessed with the cartoons loosely based on their adventures, he never imagined she was that obsessed with it. It was almost creepy to look at and it made him wonder how did Sunny manage to afford it all on a smoothie maker's wage. As he was about to leave, he caught a glimpse of the one thing that wasn't related to the Guardians of Harmony. It was a photo of Sunny with her dad, who apparently disappeared after helping out a unicorn. Or at that's what Sunny told him. For all Hitch knew, Sunny's dad might have been kidnapped by a unicorn and had his brain fried and served on a silver platter. Since Sunny was a filly at the time, how she didn't get thrown into an orphanage after that incident remained a mystery.

"Hitch!" Sprout shouted, "I brought reinforcements!"

Hitch ran out of the lighthouse and saw Sprout was accompanied by an angry mob.

"Those are the reinforcements?" Hitch asked in an annoyed tone.

"What?" Sprout said defensively, "They were enthusiastic. And there was a sale on pitchforks and torches."

Hitch put a hoof to his face, "We're supposed to be keeping the peace here, not start another race war."

"But the unicorns started it first!" Sprout exclaimed, "We should bring the fight to them!"

"Sprout, you can't even fight a common cold," Hitch deadpanned.

"I know. That's why we have an angry mob," Sprout said confidently before turning to face his army, "Who are we?"

"We're an angry mob!" the angry mob replied in unison.

Hitch sighed, "If anypony needs me, I'll be out of my jurisdiction to arrest Sunny and her unicorn friend. Just don't start any wars while I'm gone, okay?"

"We promise," Sprout and the angry mob said in unison with each of them holding a hoof behind their backs to indicate they were lying, not that Hitch noticed.

Meanwhile, outside the town limits of Maretime Bay, Sunny and Izzy were busy catching their breaths.

"Do you..." Izzy panted, "Have any...idea...of where we're going."

"Yes," Sunny replied as she haphazardly pulled a map from her saddlebag, "We're going...to Zephyr Heights."

"The pegasus city?" Izzy asked.

"Yes," Sunny replied.

"But the pegasi are bad news," Izzy pointed out, "They're too woke for their own good."

Sunny gave Izzy an odd look, "And?"

Izzy looked both ways before ducking down to whisper in Sunny's ear, "And I think the royal family is in league with the evil pegasus dwarf."

Sunny mirthlessly laughed at Izzy's little conspiracy theory, "You really believe that Cozy Glow managed to live hundreds of years after her imprisonment?"

"Think about it," Izzy said to her Earth pony companion, "After she was freed , she rallied up her fellow pegasi to upload her brain to the Internet so she could influence the media and decide who gets to rule Equestria and who doesn't. Who gets to be a celebrity and who doesn't. Where is Zephyr Heights located?"

"Uh...where Canterlot used to be?" Sunny sheepishly replied.

"And where were the bad guys imprisoned?" Izzy continued to inquire.

"In the Canterlot Royal Gardens," Sunny replied.

"Exactly!" Izzy exclaimed, "Then the pegasi start living the high-life that my ancestors once did. Coincidence, I think NOT!"

Sunny chuckled, "Are you telling me that, before your magic disappeared, the pegasi gathered an army and overthrew Princess Twilight Sparkle and the rest of the Canterlot elite? Even though there were many times where Twilight managed to put an end to any military coups thrown against her?"

"Yes!" Izzy replied, "It said so on Twilipedia!"

"You do know Twilipedia articles can be edited, right?" Sunny sardonically asked, "Anypony can just click the edit button on an article and say Earth ponies smell like rotten sardines or something equally ridiculous involving mayonnaise."

Izzy gasped, "You said the forbidden word!"

Izzy immediately jumped up and chanted "bing bong" as if there were creepy-crawlies crawling along her back. Sunny just put her head in her hoof.

"We're doomed," Sunny muttered to herself.

Author's Note

What do you know? Izzy has a real reason to not like the pegasi. :twilightsmile:

BTW, the bit where Sunny mentioned Twilight putting an end to a military coup is a reference to this story I wrote:

TTwilight Is Fed Up Of The Vocal Minority's $#!%

MLP: FiM

Comedy

Random

Slice of Life

So she just tells them to eat it. Especially since it turns out ponies would stage coups against her regardless of her tax policy.

Profanity

Twilight

Prince Blueblood

OC

Other

Leondude · 1.8k words  ·  90  13 · 1.4k views

It's ironic, really. I wrote a story about Twilight telling the small number of people who hated how the show ended to "eat shit" and yet here I am, being one of the few people who actually disliked My Little Pony: A New Generation. Sure, it has its positive (Hitch is a good character, 'Danger, Danger' and 'Fit Right In' are catchy tunes, and there is no shortage of hilarious moments) but the negatives outweigh the positives for me. And I actually liked how the show ended despite its own flaws.

Oh, well. You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.

Part 4 - The Confusing and Extremely Anti-Climactic Ending

During their long and extremely tedious trek to the pegasus city of Zephyr Heights, Sunny and Izzy took a break and rested at a rocky valley near the city.

"You know," Izzy said as she and Sunny sat down, "Not to freak you out or anything but you do know Princess Pipp is a puppet for Cozy Glow, right? I'm pretty sure she's the one that stole all the magic."

Sunny sighed, "For the last time, Izzy, Cozy Glow is either dead or still a statue. The royal pegasus family have nothing to do with the magic disappearing. For all we know, Tirek could have come back and absorbed all the magic in our sleep."

"Actually, that's part of the article I read on how Cozy Glow teamed up with the pegasi to take over Canterlot and rename it Zephyr Heights," Izzy retorted.

Sunny groaned at how gullible her unicorn companion was. And then she heard a crunching noise.

"Didn't you say you wanted a unicorn friend?" a male voice asked her.

Sunny turned around and saw a familiar-looking unicorn eating a packet of crisps. With his crimson complexion and unkempt mane and tail, he was a dead ringer for the unicorn she saw when she was a filly. But because the unicorn before her looked like he hadn't aged a day, the possibility of him being the same unicorn was unlikely.

"I speak from experience when I say be careful what you wish for," the unicorn said before eating another crisp, "I once hoped to profit from the ruins of this society but, unfortunately, we live in a society...where intelligence is a distance memory. And because I'm stuck with a gherkin that used to be an Earth pony."

The unicorn pulled a pickle out of thin air. For some reason, it had a mane that looked exactly like Argyle's. In fact, it even looked like it had Argyle's face.

"Hey, Sunny," the pickle said.

Sunny stared at the pickle in shock, "Dad?"

"My, look how you've grown," Argyle said, "Sorry for all the birthdays I missed."

"What happened?" Sunny asked.

The red unicorn placed Argyle on the floor and sheepishly rubbed the back of his head, "Yeah, funny story about that. When we finally got to Bridlewood and after I had my leg fixed, I showed Argyle my private collection of hashish. Then we got high and I maaaaaybe accidentally turned him into a gherkin."

Sunny stared gobsmacked at the unicorn before her, "How do 'accidentally' turn somepony into a pickle?!"

"Same way I accidentally turned myself into a human female," the red unicorn casually replied, "I got high. Speaking of which, wanna toke?"

The unicorn pulled out a spliff.

Four hours had passed as Sunny, Izzy, Argyle, and the strange unicorn stared at the clouds, high out of their little pony minds.

"Dad?" Sunny asked dazily.

"Yeah?" Argyle replied in an equally dazy tone.

"You know how everypony back home believed unicorns could fry ponies' brains?" Sunny asked.

"Yeah?" Argyle replied.

Sunny picked up her spliff and smiled at it, "I think they might have had a point."

The strange unicorn took a puff from his doobie before coughing, "Actually, it's more like baking rather than frying."

Sunny giggled, "What's the difference?"

"Baking is for bread, cakes and cookies while frying is for Prench fries and other fast foods," the unicorn replied.

After much sky-gazing, Izzy got up and gave Sunny a great big hug.

"Did I ever tell you how much I like you?" Izzy said lovingly, "And you smell like oranges."

"Aw, I like you too," Sunny said as she wrapped a hoof around Izzy.

Unfortunately for the high little ponies, Sprout and his angry, angry mob showed up and harshed their buzz.

"Ha!" Sprout scoffed, "GAY!"

The angry, angry mob surrounded Sunny and Izzy and pointed their pitchforks at them, with Sprout joining in by pointing a harpoon gun at Izzy's head.

"We're too late," one of the mob ponies said as he pointed as Sunny, "They already friend this poor pony's brain!"

Sunny giggled, "They didn't fry my brain. They baked it."

"What's the difference?" the mob pony asked.

"As Sheriff," Sprout announced, "I say these two unicorns should hang for their crimes."

"Okay, my crimes, I can understand," the strange red unicorn said, "But what has Izzy ever done?"

"Smoked weed!" Sprout arrogantly replied.

"You do know marijuana's been legal for centuries now, right?" Sunny asked.

Sprout gave a befuddled look, "Is it?"

Amidst the commotion, an exhausted Hitch showed up.

"What part..." Hitch panted, "Of not start any wars...Did you not get?"

"This isn't starting a war," Sprout said as he pointed the harpoon gun at the sky, "This is."

As soon as one of the royal pegasus sisters flew into the air out of nowhere, Sprout harpooned her with the harpoon gun.

The strange red unicorn stared at the dangling corpse before him, "Lead-poisoned idiots. We live in a society of lead-poisoned idiots."

"Need I remind you that you turned me into a pickle while high?" Argyle pointed out.

The red unicorn looked down at the talking pickle, "Oh, yeah."

Hitch looked at the red unicorn, "Wait a minute. I know you."

Both Sunny and the red unicorn looked at Hitch, "You do?"

"Lion Dude," Hitch said as he trotted up to the unicorn, "You are under arrest for several counts of piracy, using illegal mind-control spells, and having cannabis on your person."

"I'm pretty sure weed is legal nowadays," Lion said, "Besides, I gave up piracy centuries ago."

"Wait," Sunny said as she pointed at Lion Dude, "If your hundreds of years old, shouldn't you be dead?"

Lion shrugged, "I dunno."

As if the day couldn't get any weirder, a giant mechanical behemoth that bore a small resemblance to Tirek rose up from the horizon. Everypony stared in silence as the gargantuan beast stared down at them.

"UNICRON ATTACK!" Hitch yelled.

And then everypony died because Unicron ate the planet.

Author's Note

It's ironic. I started this fic as an alternative to G5 but, due to the polarizing reception this fic received, I decided "sod it, let's do something extremely random.

And much like A New Generation, it left tons of questions unanswered. I would suggest you make your own answers but Unicron ate the world so that ain't gonna happen. :rainbowlaugh:

BTW, I was sober while writing this. Thought I might clarify. :twilightsmile: