Where Hitch Learns of His Legacy
In a picturesque countryside, a ways outside of Maritime Bay, an innocent, adorable pink bunny skipped merrily amongst the tall grass of the surrounding plains. It was a happy critter that lived free of worries on this beautiful sunny day.
But wait!
Flying through the air was a plot-convenient piece of sheet metal cruising at a breakneck pace towards the defenseless bunny. It dragged against the ground leaving thick grooves in the dirt from its sharp edges, and was pushed ever onward by a strong gale wind that just happened to form for no discernible purpose outside of artificially created tension.
The bunny, unaware of its impending doom, stood up on its legs and held its nose cutely between two small paws.
It giggled. For no particular reason.
The sheet metal drew closer to its unfortunate quarry. Just before the bunny would have been hit by it and come to presumably gory end, a pony, a studly one at that, dashed forward, rolled, and grabbed the bunny in one fluid motion.
The sheet metal bypassed them both as the pony saviour stood up onto his hooves from the place he had landed after his roll. His short aqua green mane flipped back to reveal sparkling amber eyes and a charming grin that a more self aware pony would realize should be saved for when literally anyone else was around.
He placed the bunny gently onto the ground and struck a heroic pose, his tawny fur coat glistening in the sun.
“You may now applaud,” Hitch Trailblazer announced to no one in particular.
The bunny, still unaware that they almost met a terrible end, clapped enthusiastically because frankly it could use more cheer in its life after the horrible murder it had witnessed prior to these events that happened off screen.
Hitch covered his eyes with a perfectly trimmed hoof as the sunlight beaming down on him seemed to be getting brighter. “Huh, weird. I didn’t know the sun got brighter when I do awesome hero work.” He grinned as he returned back to his previous pose. “But if the sun wants to highlight how great I am, who am I to judge?”
He narrowed his eyes more as the glare from the sun got worse. Annoyance became uncomfortable when sweat began to pour down his body from the sunbeam becoming unreasonably hot. This soon turned to unbearable when he smelled burning grass.
He yelped and stumbled back away from the sunbeam onto his back. He watched nervously from his prone position as the grass burnt black in a perfect circle where the sunbeam touched.
From out of nowhere a heavenly choir began to sing, which was odd.
Not the singing choir of course, he heard that around town all the time as he saved everypony. No, it was odd because it never happened outside of town proper and nopony else was around.
“What the high C?” Hitch said.
A shadow was cast across his eyes, which caused him to look up, beholding what could only be described as a heavenly figure.
Descending on large wings was a light orange pegasus with a swept back blue mane, blue eyes, and a cutie mark of a shield with a lightning bolt through it. He was stacked like a brick house, something Hitch always noticed about other stallions and something he would probably address some other time about what that meant for him.
Probably when he went on that friend date with the built pegasus guard from Zephyr Heights. A good time to address that.
As the figure drew closer, Hitch noticed that he was carrying something in his forehooves. It was a crystal crown hewn from sapphire with a smiling pony head etched into the centre.
Well, smiling didn’t quite cover the carved expression. It was closer to a smoulder - Smile #42 - with how charming it appeared to be. Hitch would know, since #42 was only supposed to be used when trying to get out of something he didn’t want to do.
He wasn’t quite sure why it worked when he used it though.
As the pegasus neared the ground, they smiled, then tripped on what Hitch presumed was air. The stranger face-planted into the dirt with his wings facing upwards and dropped the crown which rolled away on its side.
Hitch winced as he empathised with the poor stallion. Tripping on air was a very common occurrence.
The unknown pony’s head snapped up from the ground with wide eyes. “Pony feathers!”
The stranger scrambled to his hooves and chased after the rolling crown. Hitch, being the helpful stud he was, also chased after the crown. Both collided head first causing both stallions to land back on their rumps.
The crown hit a rock in its path, spun through the air, and landed perfectly horizontally in the stranger’s lap.
“Oh, hey! Got the crown back!” The stranger pumped his hoof in celebration. “Yes, you still got it, Flash.”
“Oh, cool. You do positive affirmations too,” Hitch said. “I also like to do them right after doing something great.”
The stranger, Flash, grinned and waved a hoof excitedly. “Oh, yeah, same. It just feels so great when you give yourself that little burst of encouragement. Really makes a guy’s day.”
Hitch nodded. “Yep. It’s important to let yourself know you’re doing a good job.”
“Yeah, definitely because who else- Wait, pony feathers!” Flash smacked both sides of his face with his wings. “I really got to focus here. I have a job to do.”
Flash stood back onto his hooves with Hitch shortly following. Flash held the crown with his wings and presented it to Hitch.
“Hitch Trailblazer,” Flash said in an overdramatic deeper voice. Hitch thought it sounded cool. “For your accomplishments as a lovable dummy, I grant thee the Element of Himbo, thus crowning you the Himbo successor to continue the legacy of well meaning, goofy stallions for future generations.”
“Oh, wow. What an honour.” Hitch’s face flushed. “I don’t know if I deserve something so amazing. I mean, am I really even a himbo?”
“Are you completely oblivious to any pony’s romantic advances on you? Especially from those closest to you?” Flash asked.
“What? No!” Hitch blew a raspberry. “Nopony has expressed an interest in me. Especially not my friends.”
Flash raised a single eyebrow. “Even Pipp, Zipp, Sprout, and the pegasus guard you’re going on a ‘friend’ date with?”
“Friends.” Hitch nodded confidently.
Flash looked unimpressed. “Are you at a level of hotness that somepony has made a pinup calendar of you that features only you? Or made a life sized body pillow of you that they swear is their most important possession?”
“Maretime Bay makes a calendar of me every year,” Hitch replied. “Sprout owns a body pillow in the shape of me, but I don’t know if it's his most prized possession.” Hitch thought for a moment. “He does hiss at anypony that goes near it, though.”
“You don’t find that weird?”
Hitch rolled his eyes. “It’s a friend pillow. Of course, I don’t find it weird.”
“Uh huh,” Flash deadpanned. He coughed and continued his questioning. “Do you have weirdly specific knowledge about a topic and know almost nothing else?”
“I can recite the entire law book cover to cover,” Hitch said proudly, “and finish my taxes within an hour.” He tapped his chin with a hoof. “Don’t know why you would want to know anything else.”
“Well, other ponies are foolish. Can you cook?”
“I’m making spinach puffs tonight. My usual go-to recipe.”
“Oh, nice. A Himbo classic.” Flash nodded his approval. “My go-to is actually homemade fettuccine pasta.”
“Oh, that sounds great.” Hitch enthused. “Can you share the recipe with me later? Sunny wants pasta this weekend for our weekly dinner and I want to blow her mind.”
“Definitely. Now, with the basic questions out of the way we have the most important one.” Flash puffed himself up and raised a hoof. He looked very distinguished. “What do you do if you see someone attack a pony or animal?”
Hitch glared. “I’d tell the aggressor not to and that if they continue they are under arrest.”
Flash nodded. “And if they tried to punch you in retaliation?”
“I’d tell them not too firmly.” Hitch tilted his head to one side with his mouth scrunched up. “Or tell my bear friend Sergeant Fuzz to maul them. A toss up really.”
“Your bare friend or your bear friend?” Flash asked.
“The answer that doesn’t break RSC, subsection C-46,” Hitch stated.
“Ah, a fuzzy boy then.” Flash rubbed his chin with a wing. “So, you’re kind, well meaning, have niche hobbies, a total stud, and have an army of animals at your beck and call.” Flash grinned and presented the himbo crown once again to Hitch. “You are truly this generation’s newest bearer of the himbo legacy. Potentially the best we’ve ever had. I implore you once more to take the crown as is your destiny.”
“Well, I certainly can’t argue with that logic. Hit me!”
Flash obliged by taking the crown in one hoof and slamming it down on Hitch’s head. Thankfully, himbos are known to be dense, so Hitch felt nothing as it was jammed into place.
As Hitch lifted his head, the crown glowed in an aura of blue light. The crystal transformed into aquamarine with splashes of green lit from inside.
“Rad,” Hitch said. “I won’t let you down Flash. I’ll make my predecessors proud. I look forward to...”
Hitch trailed off as he looked off past Flash. Flash turned to look in the same direction as Hitch and glared.
Trotting towards them with a skip in her step was a snow white pegasus with a fluffy black mane tied into a bun with a red ribbon, golden eyes, and a Cutie Mark of 7 music notes of different colours circling an apple.
She sang in a high pitch to a wishy washy song that neither stallion could place. Behind her was a parade of animals. A large menagerie of beasts, birds, reptiles, sentient dolls, magic constructs, undead, amphibians, giraffes, and they-that-cannot-be-named.
More pressingly, just behind the newcomer, were a flock of tiny sparrows carrying a bright emerald green ball gown.
“Hello,” the pegasus trilled as she approached. “I am Merry White and I come bearing great news to you Hitch Trailblazer.” A deer behind her blew a trumpet as she knelt into a sweeping bow. “You are officially a new Wisney Princess!”
The menagerie behind her clapped in unison as the birds flew over to Hitch and draped the dress perfectly over him. It fitted perfectly.
Hitch looked down, looked up, blinked, then smiled.
He felt pretty.
“I am so glad that you have been chosen as our newest Wisney Princess, Princess Trailblazer.” Merry trilled out several high pitch chords as she stood back up. “Now, come along. We have a lot to do. Your coronation at the grand Wisney Castle will be-”
“Hey!” Flash exclaimed. “I was here first and what do you mean he’s a ‘Winsey Princess’? He’s the new Himbo!”
Merry giggled behind a raised hoof. “Oh my dear foalish stallion. Do you think Princess Trailblazer cannot be a Princess because they are a stallion?”
Flash frowned. “No, that’s dumb. Stallions can be Princesses. We’re allowed to feel pretty.”
Hitch nodded his head. He did feel very pretty.
Merry regarded Flash with newfound respect. “Oh, that’s actually very progressive of you. I apologize for the passive aggressive remark then. Fully undeserved.”
“No worries, we do live in trying times. Thank you for your apology. I do try my best. Still though, I’m not sure how Hitch is a Wisney Princess. Not that I don’t think the dress really compliments his figure.”
Hitch nodded his head again. The dress really did flatter his abs.
“Well, he’s a friend to animals...” Merry trailed off.
“And?” Flash asked.
“And what? That’s it. A Wisney Princess only needs an animal companion and Princess Trailblazer has already a dozen companions. Well, and most Princesses have some sort of epic romance with a strapping stallion, but we all know what that ‘friend’ date actually is.”
Hitch did not understand what she meant.
“Oh, yeah we really do,” Flash agreed.
Hitch was vaguely concerned about this knowledge he was apparently missing about his studly pegasus guard stallion friend he was meeting later.
“Regardless, come along Princess Trailblazer. We have merchandising deals to sort out and sign off on.” She belted out a major chord with her voice and two vultures swopped in carrying a swing between them. “I’m really looking forward to what you think of the new Sheriff Princess doll.”
The vultures gazed intensely at Hitch with their beady eyes who returned their stare with a nervous look.
“No, he’s going back to Maretime Bay to continue being the lovable but dense sheriff of the town as is his destiny,” Flash retorted.
The vultures licked the edge of their beaks.
Merry stomped her hoof. “No, he’s coming to be our next big star at Wisney Castle. Come along Princess Trailblazer, we have dresses to try on.”
Hitch gulped.
Flash took an aggressive step towards Merry. “You can’t make him come along with you.”
Both vultures put on wedding veils seemingly from nowhere and applied violet coloured lipstick to their beaks.
Merry took an impervious step towards Flash with her nose upturned. “I can’t make him come with me that is true, but he must realize that his true calling is to become a merchandising icon.”
Hitch tilted his head to one side.
Flash took another step. “No, his destiny is to be a beloved himbo!”
The vultures made a kissing gesture with their beaks at Hitch.
Merry took another step. “Princess!”
Hitch was alarmed.
Flash shouted into Merry’s face. “Himbo!”
The vultures took flight and swooped down towards Hitch.
Merry shouted back. “Princess!”
Hitch’s ears pinned back against his head as he covered it with his hooves in a feeble attempt at protecting himself. He closed his eyes.
“Himbo!”
“Princess!”
“Himbo!”
“Princess!”
“STOP!” Hitch screamed.
Both Flash and Merry halted their bickering and turned to the cowering Hitch with curious expressions. Hitch opened a single eye then the other when he noticed that the vultures had returned to their previous posts on the swing.
The veils had disappeared and one of the vultures was dabbing away lipstick off its beak using a handkerchief.
“What is it, Hitch?” Flash asked.
“Yes, Princess Trailblazer. What is it that you need of me?” Merry added.
Hitch ran over the past conversation and came to a quick conclusion.
He stood up straight and coughed into a hoof to clear his throat. “Can’t I just be a Princess and a himbo?” Hitch scrunched up his face. “A himbo Princess?”
Flash and Merry looked at each other. Then back at Hitch. They smiled.
“Oh, good point Hitch. Never thought of that. Truly the wisest himbo to inherit the crown.”
“Yes, Princess Trailblazer, a truly worthy compromise.”
“Please forgive us for being silly ponies.”
“Yes, please forgive this stallion for being a silly pony.”
Flash glared at Merry.
“You are forgiven, Flash.” Hitch nodded his head regally as per his station as the new Himbo Princess. Flash gave him a betrayed look.
Hitch scratched at the back of his head with a hoof. “So, what happens now?”
“Oh, I have to fly back to my time since I still have like a bunch of ponies to get shipped with,” Flash said.
“I must return to Wisney Castle as Himbo based Stallion Princesses are not marketable.” Merry announced.
“Oh, alright then,” Hitch said uncertainly. “Safe travels.”
Flash waved goodbye with his wing as the sunbeam that brought him here glowed strongly once more and raised him into the sky to be returned to his harem of far too many love interests.
Merry sat upon the swing and, with a trill of her voice, was lifted by the vultures and taken away back to wherever she came from, swinging all the while.
Hitch waited a moment to see if anything else would happen before he took off the dress and crown and hoofed them over to the bunny from earlier to carry back to Maretime Bay.
They were kind of impractical to wear outside of formal occasions and broke the indecency law of not wearing full body clothing in public for decent exposure. He hadn’t had to arrest himself yet and he had no plans to do so now.
He turned to the rest of the menagerie of animals and semi-eldritich abominations that had been left behind by Merry.
They all looked at him in complete blind adoration.
Hitch nodded his head. “Well, Sprout did have this coming.”
He then led his army of vicious, devoted animal friends to terrorize Sprout for the day over doing the one thing he had asked him not to do when he had left to arrest Sunny: don’t start a war.
Because Sprout was bad at it.
Using a mech was lame.
An army of grizzly bears on the other hoof were much more efficient.
