Sing Out My Soul

Once I’d gotten my wits together, I started packing up Wally’s apartment. Anything and everything I thought could reasonably come with me, did. The plastic bag I’d been planning to use got tossed in the garbage in favor of two duffle bags and a rolling suitcase that was still stuffed in the back of Wallflower’s closet. They were the same things we’d used to move her into her apartment, and now, if I was right and not just going completely off my fucking rocker…I might be using them to move her out of it.

That was nuts, of course. It was absolutely god damn insane.

It wouldn’t be the first insane thing that turned out to be true, though. From the perceptions of most of humanity, my very existence qualified as insane, so who was I to say that this wasn’t the same deal?

The subsequent bus ride and walk back to my apartment would have been miserable if I’d had enough presence of mind to be miserable. If the bus driver had any qualms about me practically moving house using his route, he was kind enough not to say anything. The looks the other passengers were giving me certainly suggested that I looked like some kind of bag lady, but thankfully this was Canterlot, and so long as I paid my fare and didn’t smell too bad, no one would bother to comment.

It was only as I approached my apartment with one duffle bag slung over either shoulder and the rolling suitcase behind me that I realized my phone was still off. I only realized it because I spotted Applejack posted up like a sentry outside of my apartment in the drifting snow.

She was wearing two layers of flannel and had her hands shoved into her pockets, but I’d recognize that stetson and the long, straw-blonde hair that fell out from under it anywhere.

Sticky Note or Bright Eyes must have told Luna I’d gone dark. No doubt Luna had passed on the information to my friends, and now I probably had all six of them on the lookout which would include whatever winter birds Fluttershy could wrangle, a genius telekine, and a girl who could hit point-five of the speed of sound.

Shit.

I hesitated for a moment, but there was no other way into my apartment, and I couldn’t just hang out in the nearby alley until she left. Aside from looking cagey as fuck, I had no guarantee Applejack would leave. Knowing her, she would stick to her post until dawn if she thought I was in trouble, which meant I was going to have to bluff my way past the Element of Honesty.

Well, no sense dragging it out. That would just make it more likely that one of the others would show up.

Squaring my shoulders, I adjusted the straps on the duffle bags, steadied my grip on the rolling suitcase, and pushed forward. The snow was light, but it was still freezing, and even under my jacket, hoodie, scarf, and beanie, I was just about numb, so my pace wasn’t great. That meant that Applejack spotted me fairly quickly as soon as she was, presumably, able to make out my hair color through the snow.

“SUNSET!” Applejack straightened up from where she’d been leaning against the wall and knocked her boots against the sidewalk to clear the snow from her treads. “Where the hell’ve ya been?!”

Panic warred with relief on her face as she jogged up to me, and I pushed the little voice that I tentatively identified as my conscience deeper into one of the less trodden corners of my mind.

“S-Sorry,” I said, and I didn’t need to fake the stutter. My teeth were chattering something fierce from the cold as I moved past her and nodded towards the door. “I was uhm…taking care of something I should’ve done a while ago, you mind if I get inside?”

“Well, o’course not, but you had us scared outta our minds, Shimmer!” Applejack said as she fell in step beside me. “Ah can take one’a those, if—”

“I’m fine.” I cut her off and she flinched back. That was too much. Reel it in. “Sorry, I…it’s Wally’s stuff, okay? I had to clean out her apartment, and I…”

“Aw…c’mon Sugarcube, y’all coulda let us help with that,” Applejack said softly as she lowered the hand she’d put out for the duffle on my left shoulder.

I shook my head. “I don’t think I could’ve done it at all if there had been anyone else there,” I said honestly.

Applejack looked pensive for a moment before nodding. “Ah getcha,” she replied as I swiped my fob against the e-reader by the door and let us into the lobby of the Commonplace. “You holdin’ up okay?”

I start to answer in the affirmative, to assure her that yes, I was fine, and that I didn’t need any help, but that was too much of a lie. That wouldn’t work. Not on Applejack. I had to give her something.

“No,” I said quietly, “not really.” I glanced over to Applejack who was giving me a pained look as she pressed her lips to a thin line before looking away and nodding.

“Yeah, guess that was a dumb question,” she said.

It was, but I didn’t say that. Instead, I just leaned in and nudged the call button for the elevator. It would take somewhere between an hour and the heat death of the universe to get down to us, but with how my legs were shaking I knew I wasn’t going to make it up the stairs.

Among Applejack’s many virtues was her ability to create companionable silence. She and Fluttershy both had that trait. There was something a little manic about the rest of our friends, even Twilight, but Applejack had a quiet soul. I was doubly thankful for that because she didn’t press me on anything, and wouldn’t so long as I treaded the next ten minutes or so worth of ground carefully enough.

Eventually, the elevator ground to a halt, the doors creaked open, and I dragged my burdens inside. Applejack followed without a word, but also without asking, just like I knew she would.

I waited for the doors to close and the cab to start creeping slowly upward to speak again. I couldn’t let her start to grill me. If I did, there was a real risk that I’d crack.

“Do you remember them well?” I asked softly, and Applejack turned to me with a raised eyebrow. “Your uhm…your parents, I mean.”

“Oh.” Applejack looked away, her expression suddenly more distant than it had been a moment ago. “Yeah…Ah remember’em. Well enough to miss’em, anyway.”

“This…I think this is the first time I’ve ever lost anyone,” I said.

Saying that cost me something, but I didn’t care. I couldn’t afford to care. I had to tell her the truth. Anything to keep her from asking about the bags. To keep her from asking what I brought home, and why. It didn’t matter how I did it, just that I did it, so c’mon, Shimmer, dig deep, open wounds. Bleed it all out if you have to.

Just tell her something true enough to for her to leave.

“I never knew my parents,” I continued grimly. “Princess Celestia is the closest thing to a mom I ever had, and she was always distant, plus, she’s immortal, so…” I shrugged, and let out a bitter laugh. “I’ll die before she does, just like everypony else.”

Applejack gave me a dark look, and I clammed up.

“Sorry,” I muttered. “Bright Eyes says I bury and deflect pain under the guise of jokes to avoid processing it.”

A quiet snort left Applejack, and she nodded

“I have no family, and you all are my first actual friends, and I don’t…I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do,” I said, picking up the thread of my words and forcing them out through a clenched jaw.

“If ya figure it out, lemme know,” Applejack replied somberly. “S’been years and Ah still ain’t sure what t’do.”

“Can I ask what you did after your mom passed?” I asked softly.

That was a risk, but a calculated one. Bringing up Applejack’s mom in any circumstance was a coin flip. Either she clammed up or she got…terse. To my surprise, neither happened this time. Instead, she just got that distant look on her face again before shrugging.

“If Ah’m bein’ honest? Ah didn’t do a whole lot. It’s kinda like the whole world got all numb…almost like it weren’t even real, y’know?”

I could definitely relate to that.

“Day after her funeral, Ah got up, had breakfast, then did mah chores like nothin’ had changed,” she continued. “Momma’d been in the hospital so long it…it was almost like she weren’t even really gone. Like I could still go out’n see’er, y’know? Except then Ah’d…Ah’d remember.” She lowered her head and pulled her stetson down as the elevator came to a creaking stop and the doors rolled open.

Almost there. Just a little more.

“Is it horrible that that makes me feel a little better that the same sort of thing is happening to me?” I asked softly as we stepped out, and Applejack shook her head.

“Nah,” she looked up and her eyes were heavy with sorrow. “Ah figure it’s just how it always goes, y’know?”

“Yeah, I know.”

And I did. I knew, now, what it meant to lose someone, and at the same time I wasn’t sure that I did. Maybe I hadn’t. It all depended on whether or not I was going crazy. The one thing I did know was that if anyone ever found out what I was trying to do, then they would decide that for me, and I couldn’t let that happen.

Not if there was even the slimmest possibility to see her again.

Which meant I had to end this.

“Hey AJ?” I started.

I had to be very, very careful about this.

“Yeah?”

“Can I ask you something?” I continued as we made our way down the hall. “And you don’t have to answer, or say anything about it because I know it’s a…it’s something no one has uhm, any right to ask but…but I kind of feel like I have to.”

Applejack eyed me cautiously as we walked side-by-side. The hallway was so silent, even our footsteps were muted by the old, dusty carpet. The only sounds were the faint susurrations of the city outside; car horns and traffic and all the little sounds of the asphalt life of the city.

“Shoot,” she said softly.

“You once said that your mom passed from a tumor, and your dad from a broken heart—” I hated myself for this. Of all the scummy things I’ve ever done this might be the worst— “so does that mean…did your dad…?”

We stopped in front of my door, and somehow the silence had grown even more oppressive.

“Sorry,” I said, lowering my head. “I shouldn’t have—”

“—s’okay, Sunset,” Applejack interrupted me hollowly. “But if it’s all the same t’you, Ah think Ah’m gonna take ya up on that offer t’not answer…though, Ah reckon me sayin’ that answers the particulars.”

I nodded. Of course, I already knew. ‘Died of a broken heart’ isn’t really a thing, objectively speaking. At the same time, though, I understood the impulse. My broken heart almost took me out a couple of hours ago, too.

“Still, it wasn’t my place,” I said, looking up at her. “I’m sorry, though…really. I feel stupid not realizing it until now.”

Applejack shook her head again. “Nah, like Ah said, s’okay. This is gonna be a rough time fer all’a us,” she reached out and took my hand, squeezing it gently as she did. “You need anything…anything at all, Sunset, you just tell me, a’right? If anyone knows how it is, it’s me, so Ah’ll be there for ya whenever ya need me.”

I squeezed her hand, smiled, and nodded. Thank the Scribe that, at the very least, I didn’t have to fake that. I appreciated every word. I really did. Applejack deserved so much better than me.

“Thanks.”

My shoulders were burning as I adjusted the straps again, shifting the weight on my shoulders to make room for the guilt as I went to unlock the door to my apartment. Now was where she would bow out—

“You alright from here, Sugarcube?”

—because for all her promises and words, Applejack never did deal with her emotions well, and between the elevator ride and the walk down the hall, I’d scraped her heart raw.

“Yeah,” I said as I threw the deadbolt, “I’m good, I just gotta go through this stuff,” I shrugged my shoulders again, “and I’d rather do it here than…than back there, y’know?”

“Ah get that.” Applejack gave a weak chuckle as she nodded. “Well, s’long as yer safe, Ah’m happy enough, just turn yer dang phone back on, will ya? Scared the bejeezus outta us.”

“I will.”

I pushed the door open and got a foot inside just as a hand settled on my shoulder. I looked back at Applejack—at those green eyes that expressed so much more than she had the words or the will to say.

“Hey, you’ll keep, right, Sugarcube?”

“Yeah, AJ, I’ll keep,” I replied, forcing a wan smile onto my face. “Drive safe.”

She nodded and finally turned to leave. I closed the door behind her and dropped the duffle bags on either side of the door, slumped against it, and slowly slid down until I was sitting on the floor with my hands pressed hard to my face.

I had to do it. She would understand, in the end, I’m sure. She’d understand why I had to say those things, and make her leave. Because I had to do it.

For Wallflower.