1. It's just like the Wizard Of Oz! Except without Dorothy, ruby slippers, that little rat dog...
“Huh. Well that was the biggest waste of time, energy and outsourcing of animation ever…” The visual torture was finally over. The much-hyped ‘My Little Pony: A New Generation Of Suck’ on Netflix had finished, and what was my expert opinion?
This may surprise all you naysayers, but I actually loved it! It was majestic, it was magical, it was plain amazing…
No, I am not in fact being sarcastic (for a change). What I am referring to is the first minute or so, with the original animation and the voice actresses reprising their roles from the unsurpassable G4 classic.
For a blissful moment, I thought all that crap about a show I adored and worshipped growing up concluding in favour of an underwhelming CGI monstrosity was just my overactive imagination imbibing too many Wild Cherry vape fumes.
No such luck. As soon as those little sh*ts started taking over the dulcet tones of my favourite pones and the real computer animation reared its literal ugly head(s), I was ready to quit there and then. Return to FIM once more, for it would take me an entire rewatch of all nine glorious seasons to overcome the profuse trauma of what I’d just witnessed.
But, nope. Like the resilient, foolhardy sap I am, I sat there for the next hour-and-a-half without moving an inch. Tolerating the by-the-numbers plot. Listening to the uninspired dialogue. Hearing the mediocre tweeny songs. Staring at those uncanny valley, creepy equine freaks the whole time. Anyone who tells you this charmless style is an upgrade from Flash… they’re lying.
Also, check to see whether they’re safe or not. Something tells me they very well maybe talking under duress…
In any case, I survived the ordeal. Just. But before I receive my medal of honour, I have but one question to pose to the makers of this travesty, this mockery, this utter bastardisation of a great, great franchise?
Why?
Why not make a new program, then proceed to ruin that instead? Why sully the name of a legend, by dirtying it with your own worthless ideas? MLP G4 was fine as it was, it didn’t need a continuum based around weird characters with stupid names, predictable motives and quirks carried over from the previous incarnation.
I mean, hello? Anyone who doesn’t look at Izzy Moonbrow (See what I mean about stupid names?) and doesn’t immediately clock ‘Pinky Pie, but with a love of crafting not baking and no toothless alligator’ is not only under duress, but probably has a gun pointed directly at their temple.
Don’t hesitate. Call 911 or 999 now (depending on which part of the world you live. Outside the USA or UK, sorry can’t help you. RIP).
And that’s not even getting into the other imposters who’re allegedly replacing our beloved Mane 6! There’s Zipp Storm, some Rainbow Dash-wannabe who hasn’t an ounce of the wonderful Wonderbolt’s charisma. What about Pipp Petals her sister, a pale shadow of Rarity who’s sole trait seems to be that she's a bit of a diva. The only stallion present is Hitch Trailblazer, a real rules-obsessed jerk voiced by the guy who played the most useless X-Man of them all.
Remember I said X-’Man’. Rogue doesn’t count.
And as we get to the last of our five mains (not even six, booooo) that’s when my hackles really start to rise. The protagonist here, the stand-in for our beloved Twilight Sparkle, is the most annoying brat to ever gallop their way into a MLP-themed show.
Sorry, Diamond Tiara. Commissarations, Cozy Glow.
For Sunny Starscout has well and truly stolen your crown. Not only did she wreck her hometown of Maretime Bay’s big bash at the beginning, she also practically forced her so-called best (and unsurprisingly only) friend along on a journey he didn’t even want to take. Oh, and don’t forget stealing crystals, trespassing in other nation’s lands, breaking out of jail without permission…
Of course, to make us feel extra special warm ‘n’ fuzzy towards her, they give her one of those unbearably cliched backstories where her father is gasp dead. Complete with a brief interlude where we see what a good dad he was, before snuffing it offscreen later. And her mum? Never even mentioned!
By the way Hasbro, Disney called. They’d like their scriptwriting playbook back please.
Whatever. There’s no freakin’ way this imitation of a ‘hero’ they’re so desperate to market that the writers gave her a holographic horn and wings during the inevitable happy ending will fly her way into my heart! And you thought Twilight’s transition to alicornhood was sloppy…
Well, I don’t know about you losers, but I’m getting onto the Internet right now to register my disgust with the world! My couple of hundred subscribers are waiting with bated breath to hear my every syllable on the subject, and it’s my God-given duty to inform them of what an absolute tragedy has occurred this day…
...Just as soon as I’ve slurped my apple juice. And scoffed these Jaffa Cakes (I’ll fight anyone who says they’re not cakes. Sacrilege!!)
There, all done. Now I can get down to some serious gung-ho keyboard-warrior type stuff! Let’s see now… ‘so bad, the entire cast deserve a one-way trip to the glue factory’. Say, that’s good! They should quote that on the Rotten Tomatoes homepage. Real critic, me.
But it was just as I was in the middle of a particularly vindictive passage about Sunny Starscout being the love child of a jackass, an orange M&M and the Hunchback Of Notre Dame that something strange started to happen.
Naturally, with me practically frothing at the mouth reaching for descriptive prose regarding this most hated of hated characters in the new G5 canon, it was already too late before I took notice.
The lights began flicking on and off.
A bizarre image appeared on my monitor screen.
And… since when were my feet hairier than my back?
I actually said that last part out loud, immediately wishing I hadn’t. For my voice… was not my voice… it sounded like something out of High School Musical or something, at least an octave or three too high.
I glanced down at my hands in terror, realising that all my fingers were now gone to be replaced with nowt but fuzzy, featureless nubs. I wanted to scream out loud but couldn’t, mainly because no-one else was home but mostly because I felt so t-i-r-e-d all of a sudden.
Which was somewhat of a surprise, considering I must’ve consumed enough Red Bull today to stay sharp during a hurricane.
Speaking of hurricanes, it was as if the whole room began spinning around of its own accord, and just before my rapidly evolving head crashed against my desk in a state of complete unconsciousness, I heard pithy words that would come back to haunt me for a long time to come.
“You. Will. Believe.”
………………………………....
“What the…?” I rose from my nightmare to the alarm, hot sweat pouring down my face. Oh, it was just a bad dream, that’s all. I must’ve finished my online rant yesterday, then went straight to bed afterwards. I should go and see if anyone’s responded… let me just get up, trot over to my computer by the window of the lighthouse. But first, I better tie this unruly purple mane back so I can see what I’m doing… wait, what?
This was the point I figured out something was wrong. Very wrong indeed.
Not the fact I didn’t even own an ancient LCD alarm clock, or any of the other baby junk in here.
Not the girlish change in voice, or that I now ‘trotted’ instead of walked.
Not that my Apple Mac was nowhere in sight, or my sturdy bungalow had turned into a crumbly old lighthouse.
No. It was the purple hair that now partially obscured my vision, when in reality I have a crew-cut.
What on Earth… I thought the name of a planet I apparently no longer inhabited, realising my ailing head must be one step (or trot) away from a nervous breakdown. Calm yourself down, dude. This is all just some disturbing fever dream caused by an undiagnosed brain tumour, or something. Although, that doesn’t sound much better. Let’s try pulling this mane a bit to see if it can’t help restore you to default settings… “OW!”
“Oh, are you alright? You shouldn’t do that to yourself, you know. Pony hairs are awfully sensitive…”
Huh? Just as I was about to completely lose it at the revelation that this new equine body was actually mine, and this wasn’t any kind of made-up fantasy delusion disease-related or otherwise, another therapy-inducing doozie was about to make itself known.
For in what I now recognised at Sunny Starscout’s bedroom from that dumb movie, I could hear somepony I could never forget. Her royally rich tones came directly from the bedside table next to some raggedy old roller-skates, and I immediately pushed aside that annoyingly punky-purple hair to glance at her in awe…
Straightaway wishing I hadn’t.
“I know it’ll take some getting used to, but me and the girls are all here for you!” The miniaturized version of Twilight Sparkle that Sunny (now me, apparently) owned was now alive, and talking to me alongside her equally mobile but diminutive plastic friends. “Just give us a few minutes of your time, and we can explain everything…”
But there’s no time for ‘explanations’ when you’re on the verge of fainting…
Actually, replace ‘on the verge of’ to ‘just’, and you would be somewhat closer to the truth.
Well, goodnight everypony. It was lovely meeting you all, but it is my sincerest wish that by the time I open my eyes again, you’ll all have f*cked off back to Equestria and I’ll be in my usual obese male bipedal body. At my usual address, to boot (not hoof).
But as I was about to discover to my utmost disappointment and horror shortly, no such luck.
Author's Note
Well, this story could easily crash and burn, or lift-off and fly like a pegasus I guess. 
All I know is as soon as I saw there was no HIE fic for the new movie yet, I wanted to be the first to try. With my trademark humour, a bit of inspiration and at least two viewings of the cinematic masterpiece under my belt, what could possibly go wrong? Gets ready to hide from the lynch mob... 
Anyway, for as long as it lasts, enjoy! 
2. Screw 'Fate'! I am gonna do things my way. What could possibly go wrong...!
Gee, that was a nice nap…. I stretched and yawned on the floor, momentarily in blissful ignorance of my tragic plight. I really should lay off MLP for a while, though. And cartoon pony Rule 34 sh*t. They’re doing crazy things to my mind… oh.
“Are you okay? You fainted dead away for a second there…” A very cute but very tiny Fluttershy was just within my line of vision, asking me out of genuine concern. “Do you have a headache? Can you see okay? How many hooves am I holding up…?”
“Pffff! Why are you so concerned over him? It’s his fault he’s in this mess in the first place!” A markedly less sympathetic Rainbow Dash hovered nearby on plastic wings somehow. “Hey, you! I don’t know what you did to piss off ‘The Great One’. but you’ve really done it now…”
“Patience, Rainbow darling! Our new friend has been transported here from another world, completely against his volition, into a strange new body!” None other but Rarity came to my defence, protectively standing near my(?) orange snout to stare down the blue pegasus. “No wonder he seems so shocked! I can’t even imagine what it must be like…”
“My flesh and blood equine equivalent may have had some experience in this matter; but that is neither here nor there.” Twilight attempted to brush past her trio of friends ogling me, to restore some order to the situation like all good leaders should. “Okay then. Without further ado, if you’re feeling up to it, you can get up now and we’ll tell you as best we can what’s going on.”
“Will you now. Well Mini Twilight and company, you needn’t bother. For I am now going to jump from the top of this crappy lighthouse to the bottom, and once I hit the ground everything will be back to the way it was. Or if by some cosmic chance any part of this horrible delusion turns out to be real, it’s still better than living life as the grotesquely ugly secret lovechild of Scootaloo and Spoiled Rich. As for you six, go and join the production of Toy Story 5 or something. Just, make it so I never have to see any of you ever again. Toodles.”
Ugh, that sounded horrible in Sunny’s voice. But, at least it shocked them enough so I can make a clear run for her window. Hopefully, this’ll work out better than it did for Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. If I have to relive this day over and over again as a perpetual nightmare, it doesn’t even bear thinking about. Here we go…
Alas, as fascinating as this pending social experiment would’ve been, it was destined to never ‘get off the ground’. So to speak.
All it took was a single shake of the head from a disapproving Twilight for Applejack’s small yet incredibly strong bucking legs to hit my side, temporarily stunning me. Then Pinkie Pie played her part by exclaiming ‘Say Cheese!’ and mostly blinded me with an unbelievably bright novelty camera flash.
Very resourceful apparently, these plastic ponies.
“Now, if you’ve quite calmed down…” Twilight spoke from somewhere to my right, as my incapacitated and sightless form was forced to listen. “What you’re currently experiencing is your punishment for thinking and writing such terrible things about the delightful pony known as Sunny Starscout. ‘The Great One’ heard your evil thoughts and words as a major disturbance from another dimension, and They wanted to set an example by forcing you to see what life is like through her eyes. Simply put, you must appreciate the sacrifices and nobility of Sunny by becoming her until the conclusion of her tale, or you may never return home again. Any questions?”
“Hmm. That’s a very interesting story, and I do have a few minor queries. Would you very much mind answering them for me if it’s not too much trouble?”
“Of course! Fire away, Friend!” I could practically feel Twilight beam through the blackness at the ‘maturity’ with which I was taking all this in. “We can’t tell you everything, but what little we do know, we’ll do our very best to educate and inform!”
“That’s good. Okay… first off. This ‘Great One’. Can you tell me where He or She lives, please? Sorry if I’m putting you on the spot a bit, like.”
“Oh, that’s an easy one! The Great One is everywhere. They are the genderless force that make up this wonderful world we live in! They’re responsible for Friendship, Love, Laughter, the very air which we breathe… why do you ask, friend?” I could practically hear the admiration from every word which flowed from Twilight’s manufactured mouth.
“Sounds like quite a guy/girl/thingie. No reason really, I just had a little message I wanted to give Them. But it’s okay, it can wait. Unless... you literal ‘Little Ponies’ can deliver it for me.”
“Oh, yes! We can do that, Friend! We talk to Them all the time, even though we’ve never seen Their face. In fact, They’re the one who sent us here to tell you what was going on!” Toy Twilight was in an absolute state of rapture even thinking about her master, a sentiment obviously shared by the other five miniatures I heard murmuring with respect and adulation nearby.
“Okay, that’s fine. My message is this: and make sure you get every single word now, cos I ain’t repeating it… When I get my f*cking hooves on you, you body-snatching wanker, I’ll rip you a new arsehole so deep I’ll be able to shove the entirety of your swollen head down there. Then, I’ll shred the rest of your corpse into manageable pieces, shove them in a blender and set it to frappe for an entire hour. Lastly, I’ll pour the sticky remains down the toilet, fully relieving myself out of both ends as a daring final act. There’s one last snippet you should know about me: I never flush. Have you got all that? Did you write it down, 'Friend'?”
The reactions around to my ‘polite’ memo ranged from strangled gasps, angry teeth-gnashing and a loud ‘Oh my’ (obviously Fluttershy). I still couldn’t see any of their features, but when all the resulting bedlam was finally over it was Twilight once more who took up the exalted position of head speaker.
“We can see now you still have a lot to learn. Very well, then; we’ll give you some time and space to cool down after your arrival, and we shall return at a later date. For now, please go about your day just as Sunny did at the beginning of the moving picture you just saw and learn what she learns. See what she sees. Become a better person through the second chance our merciful ‘Great One’ has given you, and maybe They’ll overlook your outrageous slurs against Their good name. We will be watching… and always, always follow the script. Goodbye…”
“Oh, yeah? Well, They can ‘mercifully’ kiss my big pasty horse butt! Both cheeks, right here. Tell ‘em to come ‘n’ get it… oh, I can see again.” Just as Twilight’s ominous warning faded into the background, the colour returned to my eyesight. “Great, she’s frozen up with the rest of the girls. Now I truly am on my own once more. I guess I’m stuck here for now, and no amount of wishing, hoping or futile suicide attempts are gonna help me out of this jam. What to do, what to do…”
I tried actually following some advice for once, and thought back to Twilight’s last words.
Let’s see now. She said something about ‘following the script’ of the movie I watched, which would mean going into town and messing up the big technology exhibition the other Earth Ponies put on today and meeting Izzy later. Only one problem with that plan, though: the script sucks. Surely ‘The Not-So-Great One’ won’t begrudge me livening things up a bit? Maybe cutting a few corners, changing around some of the scenes? Going through the motions sounds so boring. If I’m dragged here against my will to fulfil the role of a pre-programmed robot, then I refuse! How d’ya like them apples, Oh ‘Stupid One’?
Feeling much better all of sudden, I lifted myself up off the floor with relish. I was ready to create mayhem, mischief and monkey shines, all in the name of pissing off an omnipotent force that held my very future in their all-powerful hands.
In hindsight, probably not my wisest decision ever. But frankly, I was so ticked off at the time I didn’t even care.
The way I saw it, there were only two possible hindrances to my awesome schemes…
“Getting used to this…” I stumbled over to a nearby mirror, regarding my new female orangey form with obvious contempt.
“...And getting used to those…” I frowned even harder at the adjacent pairs of roller skates I’d have to learn to use to get anywhere at pace.
I hadn’t even had a driving test yet! I hope nopony would notice...
This was already promising to be a wild ride. In more ways than one.
Author's Note
Well, here you guys go. One of my quickest updates ever. Hopefully, this'll push the story back up the chart, and give you crazy people a bit more clarity into this bizarre scenario I've created for this innocent cartoon movie. 
Next up: the REAL fun begins. Book your tickets now! 
