Torah Ponies: A Tale of Exegesis, Magic, and The Moon

I don’t even know how long I have been recovering, since Luna didn’t tell me how much time has passed, but I have the feeling it has been quite a while. My head feels rather fuzzy, and I don’t feel 100%. Nevertheless, Luna wants me to prepare to use advanced magic today. I get out of my bed, do my morning prayers, and meet Luna outside on the lunar surface.

“Great to see thou art in better condition, Noah. Today we are going to pause time. Now, I only gave thee five seconds of frozen time, which is plenty for anypony. Now, I can move in frozen time, but not everypony can. Here is what I am going to do.” Luna says, transforming into Nightmare Moon to access the full extent of her power.

“I am going to fire an attack at you, no holds barred. With frozen time, thou can dodge with moments to spare. If it was not I who was the pursuer, this dodge would seem instantaneous. Art thou ready, Noah?” Luna says rhetorically, charging a powerful attack through her horn.

EEK! I am not ready, but I charge my own attack in my horn. Wasn’t there an anime where the villain could pause time? I don’t remember, but he had a cool catchphrase when doing it. Whatever, I imagine that time freezes as soon as the magical beam is launched in my general direction, and lo and behold, time grinds to a halt!

“Excellent, my pupil. Move out of the way. Thou hast four seconds remaining. The seconds seem longer, so it feels like a minute, but it is five seconds. Trust me.”

I heed my mentor’s advice and move a few metres out of the way. Noticing that the magical beam remains in place, static. In frozen time, the beam looks like a kaleidoscope of colors and sights, even though it is probably dozens of times more powerful than a hydrogen bomb. Looks can be deceiving, I guess?

Eventually, the frozen time runs out, and the attack continues on its course, hitting a lunar boulder that was behind me the whole time.

“Dost thou see the power thy have received? Use it only in emergencies, dear Noah. The fabric of time is very delicate, and it is not a child’s plaything.” Luna says, applauding my work, while also warning me of the power I have received.

“Now, let our bout continue! No time powers this time!” Luna says, lunging towards me with all of her might. Welp, I can’t die, so I can get beat up as much as she wants.

“I serve at the pleasure of the Alicorn..” I say to myself dryly, using the nearest boulder to propel myself forward towards Luna, with my own magical blast. Our two attacks meet, creating a massive explosion on the moon.

PONYVILLE: EQUESTRIA

Twilight has spent the past few weeks trying to come up with a strategy on how to deal with her teacher and idol. Even though she has lost loyalty to her, she has to keep up the act whenever she comes over to visit for tea. It proved to be much harder for the mare than she originally thought. Thankfully, she only came a couple of times, leaving Twilight to write down a list of things that she needs to do.

“Number one, Banquet preparations: Sweet Apple Acres.” Now, Twilight knows that the festival is in a year and a half, but being the crazy mare that she is, she wants to write down everything NOW, so she can come up with dozens of contingency plans in the event of a calamity.

“Two: weather. I don’t know who’s in charge of that, but I’ll find out. SPIKE!! Go find out who the weather pony is in this place!”

“Ugh, fine. You owe me a ruby!” Spike says, leaving their home and investigating who the weather pony is.

“Three, decorations. I heard this Rarity mare is a handful, so I am going to need to study this further.” Twilight says, writing down some key information about the decorations for the event in 18 months’ time.

“Four, music. Don’t know what I am gonna do about that!” Twilight says, before seeing a yellow pegasus outside her house singing to a group of animals.

“Well, that answers that. Now, about the final step of party planning…”

“OH MY GOSH HI! I SAW YOU JUST MOVED TO PONYVILLE SO I AM MAKING YOU A WELCOME PARTY!!” A certain pink pony says, completely warping Twilights house to have proper party decor.

“How...how did you even get into my house! Who...who the hay are you!” Twilight says.

“I’m Pinkie Pie. I know all about this Daybreaker thing. I read the manuscript, ain’t that right, BoredNerd0703? Oh right, you can’t see what I see. Anyways, I am happy to help you get ready for the conflict in 18 months. If you need anything else, you can find me at Sugarcube Corner. BYE!” Pinkie Pie says, leaving all of her party stuff in Twilight’s house, making a giant mess in the process.

“Uh, Twilight, what’s a manuscript?” Spike asks, coming into the house after getting the intel that Twilight asked for.

“Beats me. She’s a bit crazy if you ask me. Anyways, I need to go back to Earth now and find some of those Jewish books. Apparently, they have extremely powerful magic!” Twilight says, combing through every book she owns to find that multiverse spell that Celestia used to send her to Earth the first time.

“Cheeseballs! I can’t find the spell. Do you think only alicorns can use this kind of magic?” Twilight asks herself, pulling out a summoning spell. “Well, I know that Celestia is sure as hay to say I can’t go, so I am going to summon Nightmare Moon. Spike, don’t tell anypony about what I am about to do!” She yells at the top of her lungs, drawing the appropriate summoning circle on the floor of her house.

“Nightmare Moon, wherever the hay you are, I need your help! I did the planning you asked me to do about the Summer Sun Festival in a year and a half, but I need more guidance!” Twilight says to the circle as it starts to glow.

EQUESTRIA’S MOON:

The two of us lunar guardians are duking it out on the moon, making new craters from the shockwaves we sent everywhere. I honestly wondered if this fight can be seen on Equestria, but I digress.

“Thy power hast increased greatly since our first bout, Noah. I would even go as far to call thee the strongest unicorn ever. However, be not complacent! Daybreaker will kill you without a thought, so your training will continue!” Luna says, trapping me in a rock with spatial manipulation. Well, this is new!

“Use thy brain, Noah!” Nightmare Moon says before suddenly disappearing.

“This is also new. Where did Luna go?” I ask myself, trying to use magic to break my confinement. I struggled for a few minutes, but I finally crushed enough lunar material to escape. I try and sense Luna’s life energy, and I see that it is on Equestria. The question remains, however, whether I should teleport my flank down there and take my boss, or stay put and watch the moon.

I chose the latter and went back inside to grab my Talmud and began reading.

PONYVILLE, EQUESTRIA:

The summoning circle began to glow a cosmic shade of purple, eventually revealing Nightmare Moon in all of her majesty.

“Why hath thou summoned me, Twilight?” an image of Luna asks, genuinely intrigued as to the reason for her summoning. Since Luna couldn’t be on Equestria, she floated in the vacuum of space and sent her astral image in her stead.

“Well, I was wondering if you could bring me some of those “Jew books”. I hear there is incredibly powerful magic in them, and if you want me to fight Daybreak, I am going to need everything I can get.”

Luna smiles: “A valid point, young filly.” Luna says, using some magic and sending the entire corpus of Jewish text to Twilight’s house.

“Thou hast 18 moons to study. Use them wisely, my little pony.” Luna says with a smile, and returns to her body in space, flying back to her lunar citadel.

“Welp, time to get cracking!” Twilight says, grabbing the very first book she could find: Bereshis.

“In the beginning, G-d created the heavens and the earth…”