Princess Protips

by Masterweaver

Rating: everyone
Tags: Zipp Storm, Slice of Life, Drama, Izzy Moonbow, Pipp Petals, Sunny Starscout, Comedy, Hitch Trailblazer, My Little Pony: A New Generation
Length: 1756

Pipp lectures Sunny on parasocial relationships.

"Rule number one." Pipp put on an uncharacteristically serious face. "Your fans cannot be your friends."

Sunny blinked. "What?"

"Oh here we go," Zipp muttered to herself.

Published 2021-09-29 03:00:03 UTC
Last updated 2021-09-29 03:00:03 UTC

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"So why'd Pipp want to see us?"

Zipp shrugged as she hovered along. "Maybe she just wants an excuse to hit on Hitch."

Sunny snorted. "Her and half the ponies in Maretime Bay. I don't think she'd call us all just for that, though."

"AHA! There you are, mare of the hour!" Pipp Petals fluttered above them, waving them through the door. "Come in! Come on, we've get a lot to get through and I don't know how long to get through it!"

Sunny rolled her eyes as she stepped through. "Hey Hitch. Any issues in the office?"

"Oh you know, returning things that were stolen during the panic, repairing the damage to the town, uninstalling all the Canterlogic emplacements..." The stallion clacked his hoof. "That reminds me! Zipp, could you make sure the pegasi know the unicorn traps aren't landing pads? I thought it'd be obvious, but after fifteen incidents in the same day--"

"Sorry, Sherrif, it's a speed challenge," Zipp explained. "Hit the trap and launch off before it snaps. I'll let 'em know, but it's not going to stop any time soon."

"And I thought Sunny made my job difficult. That explains the empty traps, though."

"How many were there?"

"Twelve incidents."

"Drat." Zipp grinned. "I only did ten."

Hitch leveled a flat look at her, preparing to launch into a tirade, when Izzy Moonbow rolled through the door. "Ta-daaaaah!"

"Izzy!" Sunny laughed. "So that's where my roller skates went off to! Why aren't you wearing a helmet, though?"

"A what?"

Sunny's smile frowned. "A helmet. A... it's a sort of shell. That protects your head."

"Like a hat? Pshhh." Izzy spun around. "Why would I hide this amazing mane?"

"Because head injuries can be dangerous and seriously mess with your senses," Sunny said, slowly. "A brain injury can even cause problems in balance or... thinking..."

"What? Don't be silly. Unicorns have been pecking through wood with our horns for ages, and we're all good brain pones!"

Sunny carefully shared a look with Hitch.

"Ahem." Pipp cleared her throat. "If we're all done realizing that Bridlewood unicorns need a lot of TLC, I'd like to actually get to what I called you all here for. It's Super Important."

"Oh, she's capitalizing," Zipp noted.

"Alright." Sunny gestured for her to go on. "We're listening, Pipp...?"

Pipp whipped her hoof to point at her. "YOU! Sunny Starscout! You are the pony that singlehoofedly faced all odds to do the impossible--bring back magic!"

"Well, I didn't do it alone--"

"Doesn't matter, that's what ponies will think." Pipp shrugged. "At least for a while. And even after the real story gets out, you're still going to be the most famous pony in all the land!"

Sunny opened her mouth, paused, and carefully shut it. "I... I hadn't thought about that."

"I know you haven't. You have a good heart, and you only wanted to bring friendship to the land." Pipp sighed. "Zipp and I, on the other hand, we've been famous all our lives. We know how to handle that sort of attention. Or, well, I do. Zipp knows how to avoid it."

"Harsh, but fair," Zipp admitted.

"So, since you and also the rest of us are now Big Time Famous, we're going to cover the basics on parasocial relationships and responsible interactions with other ponies. Rule number one." Pipp put on an uncharacteristically serious face. "Your fans cannot be your friends."

Sunny blinked. "What?"

"Oh here we go," Zipp muttered to herself.

"But they're ponies!" Sunny protested. "I--I literally lived my whole life to bring all ponies together--"

"Up-bup-bup!" Pipp held up a hoof. "I'm not saying that your fans are your enemies. Heck, they should never be your enemies. That's what we call cancel culture." She shuddered. "It's what took our dad from us."

"Oh." Sunny's shoulders sagged. "I'm... sorry for your loss. I... my father died, so I know what it's like to--"

"Dad's not dead," Zipp stated flatly. "We just can't ever be seen with him in public again."

"...what."

"That lettuce leaf was not his fault!" Pipp choked back a sob. "I know he screwed up but--" She took a deep breath, shutting her eyes and wiping away a tear. "Perky Pipp, ponies prefer perky Pipp, promise pretty petals Pipp..."

Sunny leaned back warily. "It... can't really be that bad, can it?"

"Lemme put it this way. You know how mom was the queen of Zypher Heights?" Zipp asked.

"Yeah?"

"You know how after the flight strings were revealed they threw her in jail?"

Sunny cringed. "...Yeah..."

"That's cancel culture. I mean, a pretty extreme form of cancel culture, but..."

"You shouldn't have to worry about that!" Pipp reassured Sunny. "Because you actually did bring back magic--with some help, sure, but your fame is based on facts, not views. Still, point remains: Fans can't be your friends. They can become your friends, but at that point they're not your fans anymore."

Sunny frowned. "I don't... I don't get it."

Pipp shrugged. "Yeah, I thought you wouldn't. So let me give you an example. Hitch! Come stand over here, please?"

Hitch blinked, walking over warily. "Uh... sure?"

Pipp gestured at him with a hoof. "Hitch Trailblazer." She gestured at the calendar next to him. "Hitch Trailblazer."

"Hitch Trailblazer," Izzy added, putting a macaroni sculpture of Hitch on the desk.

"Same pony, right?"

Sunny nodded. "Of course--"

"WRONG!" Pipp jabbed a hoof at Hitch. "This is Hitch Trailblazer the pony, perfectly ordinary. He eats, he sleeps, he has a secret hoofshake, and sure he's got awesome abs but you can bet they don't come magically formed."

"It takes a proper diet and workout," Hitch confirmed.

"But this!" Pipp pointed at the calendar. "This is Sheriff Hitch, the Law Manifest. Here to bring order and protection to Maretime Bay! Does he eat? Only when he needs to. Does he sleep? That's insanity! He's a glowing beacon to the entire town!"

"Uh--"

"And this!" She whipped her hoof around. "This is... uh..."

"A creative expression of my positive feelings toward my friend and the changes he has brought about in my life," Izzy offered. "I've actually done one for each of us, I was going to hand them out after this meeting."

Pipp's face melted into a soft smile. "Awww, Izzy! That's so sweet!"

"Thank you!"

"Sis." Zipp flicked her eyes to Sunny. "You wanna, uh--?"

"Right, right right." Pipp put back on her serious face. "To us, you're Sunny Starscout the earth pony, and our friend. And that means a lot. But to your fans, you are Sunny Starscout, Friendship Reborn, Fount of Magic, Unifier of the Tribes--there's two Sunnys, is what I'm saying. The one sitting here, and the Icon."

"Well... okay," Sunny allowed, "I can get that I have... an image. Somehow. But... I'm not understanding what that has to do with my fans not being my friends?"

Pipp sighed... and then her ears perked up. "Your dad, he told you stories about the ponies of old, right?"

"Yeah?"

"And there was one, a friendship princess or something."

"Yeah!"

"Tell me about her," Pipp prompted.

"Well, she... she was the leader of a group of heroes," Sunny began. "Earth ponies, pegasi, and unicorns all working together to save the world! And she was... super smart. She knew about the magic of all the tribes. Her friends were pretty cool too, like--like there was this pegasus that could fly fast enough to make rainbow explosions, and this earth pony that made the best cupcakes, and a unicorn who could turn back time!"

Pipp nodded. "One of them burped once."

Sunny blinked. "...what?"

"Another one had just the worst pet," Pipp continued. "Absolute menace."

"Now hang on--"

"And like, I'm pretty sure there was one time that princess woke up with a terrible bed mane, and couldn't get it looking right all day--"

"S-Stop!" Sunny said. "You don't know that! Any of that!"

"Of course not," Pipp admitted with a shrug. "But they're just ponies. I mean, it's pretty likely that everything I said was true."

"That's--that's not the point! They're my heroes! They're the ponies I've looked up... to... all my... life..."

Slowly, realization began to dawn on Sunny's face.

"I'm not saying you couldn't be their friend, Sunny. If they suddenly reappeared somehow, I honestly think you could. But you'd have to get used to... well, them being ponies, not icons." Pipp's voice was solemn as she landed. "And that's the position you're in right now. Some fans, maybe, they'll become your friends. Some very important ponies too. But you're starting off with a lot of power, and not much emotional connection. You have to be careful, understand? For their sake... and for your own."

"...oh." Sunny sagged.

"Hey." Zipp put a hoof on her shoulder. "It's not that bad. You've got real friends in this room. And hey, there will be ponies who aren't bedazzled by the whole Fount of Magic thing."

"Yeah, I guess, I just..." Sunny shook her head. "I didn't think this would be... like that, you know?"

"Lot to get used to," Hitch agreed. "Still... if you can get used to it... well, I have to admit." He struck a pose. "I'm a pretty big fan of Sheriff Hitch myself."

"Yeah, I kinda like him too," Pipp agreed. "Course, I met the pony underneath first, so..." She waggled a hoof noncommittally. "Anyway... I was going to give you all the tips now, but I'm looking at you and I'm realizing this was kind of a major bomb to drop so... yeah, meeting over! We'll talk about everything else later."

"Yeah." Sunny took a breath. "Still. I brought the ponies back together. And I'm going to keep trying to do that. Spread the message of friendship across the world to my fans."

"That's great! I can get you a cloud set up later--you know, once Maretime sets up a network."

Hitch frowned. "Wait, if pegasi couldn't fly, how could you still work with clouds?"

"Oh, not literal clouds! Virtual clouds."

"It's this whole thing," Zipp explained, standing up. "See, we've got a sort of lightning-based network..."

"Oooooo!" Izzy hopped into a chair. "TELL US TELL US TELL US!"

Sunny watched on as the pegasi explained things like lightning sand, light weaving, and radio waves. She took a moment to put a hoof to the symbol that hung from her neck; the six-pointed star that had guided her way.

And, slowly, she smiled again.