How to solve all problems forever
There are times in one’s life where a crossroads is reached. Where one decision will impact your entire being, ultimately, for the rest of time.
Canterlot Castle: Wednesday
Twilight Sparkle, ruling princess of Equestria had little idea that one of these moments approached as she enjoyed her morning coffee; black, 2 sugars, in a mug labeled “Best Pony” and read the morning paper.
In actuality, Twilight alternated between 5 different newspapers as she sat in her throne, idly sipping at her drink when her idyllic morning was interrupted by a guard bursting through the door to her throne room, shouting as he ran.
“Your highness! Princess! Urgent news!” He shouted quite exasperatedly as he ran, eventually skidding to a stop before the throne. Twilight and the other guards present stood at attention, and she addressed the stallion.
“Speak! What is the matter?” She spoke with an authoritative meter.
He raised his head, sweating nervously as he spoke, “A great fog of darkness has fallen over the Everfree Forest! Our unicorns have detected a grave and malevolent magic emanating form the mists, and they fear something terrible may approach! What shall we do Princess!?”
Twilight put a hoof to her chin in thought for a brief moment, before taking a step forward and speaking, “Very well, I shall send my faithful student Luster Dawn there posthaste in order to...” Twilight suddenly noticed that the room had gone dim, and all ponies within had frozen in place. She blinked a few times, trying to sort out what was going on when she was suddenly addressed by a familiar voice.
“Hello Twilight.”
The Princess whipped her head over, and spotted the speaker. Seated on her very own throne was an unusual sight; Twilight Sparkle was currently face to face with Twilight Sparkle. This Twilight had no wings, and was far younger than the Princess, looking no older than she had been when first defeating Nightmare Moon. She sported a wry smile as she spoke once more.
“Well don’t just stand there, is that any way to greet a friend?” She asked a tad mockingly.
The Princess asked cautiously, “What are you?”
Young Twilight just grinned, “Well, that’s a poignant question. You already know who I am, no need to ask that, but a better question may have been why I’m here. To answer; what I am, in simplest terms, is you; a version of your from the recesses of your mind, long ago. And before you ask; no, none of this is real. We’re in our head space right now, and I must say, it’s a bit roomier than I would’ve expected.
The Princess narrowed her gaze, and young Twilight continued, “To answer the next obvious question; I am here in order to stop us from doing something really stupid.”
Princess Twilight sighed, “Are you going to make me guess what that is, or just spell it out, as we are obviously already aware of it?”
Young Twilight examined her hoof, feigning interest in it as she casually asked, “I don’t know, perhaps. Since we’re obviously not wanting for time at the moment, why not entertain the process for a bit?”
The Princess shook her head, “Fine. I’m assuming this has to do with the spooky fog thing, since that’s what was going on at the moment. What I fail to see is the issue with my handling of it. Luster Dawn is a skilled unicorn with powerful magic, and reliable friends. I’m confident in her ability to unravel the situation.”
Young Twilight was frowning now. She gave the Princess of meaningful look, and waved her hoof, enticing her to continue.
“Er, yes. Anyway, when I was Celestia’s student, I dealt with all sorts of similar problems, and things always ended just fine.”
Young Twilight leaned in, “And of course we’re certain that this is the best way to handle a problem like this.” Young Twilight asked her sarcastically, now leaning on the head of a frozen guard.
“I’m not sure what you’re implying me, but Celestia believed in my friends and I, and we always found a way.” She said smugly.
Young Twilight closed her eyes and took a deep breath, “Twiggles. My dawg. Re-examine things for a moment. You want to send a teenager-”
“Yes.”
“And her group of friends-”
“Right.”
“None of whom have any military training or relevant experience-
“Gotcha.”
“To deal with a magical anomaly-”
“Continue.”
“Out into the middle of the most dangerous place in Equestria-"
“Bingo.”
Where they may face a completely unforeseen threat-”
“Yep”
“By themselves.”
“I’m with ya.”
“And you see nothing wrong with this?”
Princess Twilight closed her eyes deep in thought. She remembered all the good times she had, saving Equestria from complete destruction.
She remember the time Celestia had told her not to worry about Nightmare Moon, and sent her away completely unprepared, and needing to basically get lucky and figure out a way to save the day on her own.
She remembered the time Discord had broken free, and Celestia pretty much just sent them to deal with it on their own while she did nothing, and how they needed to basically get lucky and figure out a way to save the day on her own.
She remembered the Crystal Empire (which was actually just one city even though it was called an Empire) and how Celestia had sent them into the frozen tundra on their own in order to--
It was at that moment that the Princess stopped her inner monologue, and glanced at young Twilight, who looked extraordinarily disappointed in herself.
"Holy heck did I almost pull a Celestia?"
"Nearly."
The Princess sighed, “It may in fact be possible-” She began.
“Yeah.”
“That sending Luster Dawn to deal with this on her own might be a tad overzealous.”
“You think?” Young Twilight said mockingly.
The Princess coughed, “So, what shall we do then?”
“You’re the Princess, you figure it out. I’m like, 17.”
Mulling it over for a moment, Princess Twilight’s eyes lit up, “We could… send in the army?”
Young Twilight pointed at her, “Now THAT, is a fantastic idea. We, who command the complete armed forces of Equestria, could send in the army.”
“But what if they can’t deal with it?”
“Twilight, baby, what are six teenagers going to accomplish that the entire army can’t?” Young Twilight tapped a hoof to her head.
“We might have a point there.”
“Or, ya know, WE could just deal with it ourselves?”
“We can do that?” She sounded shocked.
“We’re the princess! Who exactly is going to tell us no?”
“Oh.” The Princess sounded rather disappointed in herself.
“Yes, oh indeed.”
The two stood in silence for a few moments, before the Princess spoke up.
“So, that’s it? It’s that easy?”
“Yeah. Duh. Of course it’s that easy.”
“But what about Luster Dawn, and realizing her full potential through the power of friendship?”
“Just send her with the army. Self-actualization is important, but like, so is having a reasonable amount of resources to work with.”
Princess Twilight nodded, “That makes sense. I think I’ll do that.”
Suddenly, rays of light burst out of Princess Twilight’s chest, blinding the entire room. She blinked the light spots from her eyes, and found herself once more standing before the very nervous (and now very confused) looking guard. Who asked, “Your highness? What was that just now? That magnificent light...”
Twilight tilted her head, “What was your name again?”
“Guard Number Twenty-Seven.”
“That sucks. What just happened, was I just made a reasonable decision. I have unlocked the magnificent wisdom of an infinite universe. I am now best princess.” She spoke with such confidence that the entire room was overtaken with a menacing aura.
Guard Number Twenty-Seven didn’t seem too impressed as he responded, “Oh. What does that mean? Are we still sending Luster Dawn to the Everfree?”
“Hahahahah! Yeah no. We’re sending the army. And I’m going too. And we’ll bring Luster Dawn too. It’ll be a fun field trip. And call Discord, he probably won’t help but let’s ask anyway.” Twilight teleported a stack of documents to her side and began shuffling through them.
“The army? I don’t think we’ve ever sent the army anywhere...” Guard Number Twenty-Seven questioned sounding uneasy.
“Yeah well, I pay their salaries, I can send them wherever I want. That forest is gonna be locked down tighter than Celestia’s…” Twilight reconsidered her next word, “Door. To her house. That. Anyway I’ll be right back, I’m going to teleport over to Ponyville and tell Dawn what we’re doing instead of writing a letter. Because I’m best princess now and I know this is faster.”
She teleported away with a pop, and about 15 seconds later returned. She looked at Guard Number Twenty-Seven and said in an accusatory tone, “Why are you still here? Go! Scramble the pegasi, or whatever it is we do!”
And so, things were dealt with in a reasonable and timely manner. In the end it turned out that the evil fog over the Everfree forest was signaling the return of a vile necromancer by the name of Mergalax the Eternal: Lord of Suffering. Or something like that. Twilight had impaled him with a holy spear of light during his evil monologue because she’s based now.
Luster Dawn learned a valuable lesson about friendship, and 9th level casting. She also learned that vanquishing the undead isn’t necessarily a friendship problem, but something one should prepare for nevertheless. Emboldened by her mentor, and provided with adequate resources, she would go on to solve general relativity.
Twilight Sparkle, who was now best princess, proceeded to eliminate all crime everywhere, because she could. Now with too much free time, she got really good at Counter-Stike, and was never heard from again.
The Sewers Beneath Manehattan: October 30th
“Tomorrow night, my sisters, shall be a most wicked night!”
Crowded into a small room within the city’s underground, a coven of eight hooded unicorn mares had gathered. Their place of meeting was something of a laboratory, with unusual and rare ingredients lining the shelves. Bottles crammed with eyeballs, roots and flowers hanging about, powders and poisons all lay strewn about the room.
And in the center, the mares all gazed into a bubbling cauldron, stewing with a noxious green liquid. One of the mares stepped forward and tossed a live toad into the pot, causing a plume of smoke to rise up and mix with the sickening vapors already swirling about the ceiling. She spoke to the group, “Yes, a most wicked night indeed! Tomorrow, on All Hallows’ Eve, when the veil between worlds wanes thin, we shall return our mistress to this realm! The demon Iratus Malum shall rise again by our fell hooves, and her reign of darkness shall blanket the land once more!”
The coven cheered as one, several of them shaking each other’s hooves in congratulations and breaking out bottles of champagne. Their celebration was cut short by a knock at the door, silencing the group.
“Uh, hello? Delivery from Pony Pizza, anyone home?” Asked an unsure voice from behind the shoddy wooden door to the laboratory.
The gathered cultists looked at each other in confusion, with one of them shrugging. The unicorns lit their horns, preparing the deal with the intruder, when the ceiling suddenly caved in above them, and Princess Twilight Sparkle descended from the hail of rubble. The gathered ponies were shocked at the Princess’ entrance as she gracefully perched herself on the rim of the cauldron.
Only two of the cultists managed to fire off spells, which both harmlessly pinged off of the princess. “Alright, break it up ponies. I’ve got a busy Nightmare Night scheduled, and I don’t want to spend my evening vanquishing anypony.” Finishing her introduction, Twilight lit her horn and cast a quick spell; a corona of pale light burst from her horn, flinging the ponies against the wall and immediately knocking them all unconscious.
One of them had knocked over a shelf, and a caged ferret had broken loose as the result. The Princess hopped from her perch atop the cauldron and helpfully removed the ferret from the witch’s face before it had the chance to bite her an eighth time.
Twilight then unlocked the door, and several police officers, followed by Luster Dawn; who was intently plugging her nose, wormed their way into the cramped laboratory. Passing the ferret off to the officer in charge, Twilight said, “They’re all yours detective. Please ensure that any and all potions, magical items and live animals are dealt with appropriately.
The officers got to work cuffing and removing the cultists from the room as Twilight led Dawn away from the scene, “I suppose that would be lesson two: deal with cultists before they summon anything evil.”
Author's Note
Unrelated song
Lesson three
Canterlot Castle Foyer: Wednesday but not the same Wednesday
Twilight Sparkle was sitting in her foyer enjoying a hot cup of tea and a campy romance novel. It had been a long week, and the Princess was settling down for a long relaxing evening.
Bathrobe: fluffy.
Fire: crackling.
Novel: kinky.
Things were shaping up to be a wonderful time when the air began to crackle with some sort of sci-fi power. A cool noise that sounded vaguely like a Tesla coil slowly grew louder as a funky distortion affect began to form in a sphere in the air before the Princess. The sphere grew larger eventually reaching the floor before quickly receding, leaving behind a large ominous earth pony standing in a shallow crater in Twilight’s foyer.
The pony, who had appeared in a sort of kneeling pose, then stood to his full height, standing nearly as tall as the Princess. He looked her directly in the eye with an eerie gaze and spoke to her in a deep voice, “Twilight Sparkle. You have been marked for termination, prepare to die.”
“Who are you? Why do you want me dead?” Twilight inquired.
The pony didn’t answer, and instead took a large step toward her.
Twilight let out a sigh, not bothering to get up from her armchair as the hulking pony grew closer. She lit her horn and fired a ray of magic toward him, which struck him directly in the chest. However, rather than searing a hole directly through him, he merely staggered back a step before resuming his approach. It did however sear off his skin, revealing him to be some kind of robotic skeleton of a pony with glowing red eyes.
Rolling her eyes, Twilight lit her horn again, this time teleporting the attacker 15 miles below the planet’s surface. While she wasn’t exactly sure if that would kill him, it served as an adequate solution for the time being.
Twilight Sparkle arrived at the steel refinery with her Royal Guards in tow. Luster Dawn was awaiting her arrival at the entrance beside the very nervous looking foreopony of the refinery, who was sweating as the though the ruler of the entire nation had called the day before asking for access to one of their comically large smelting vats.
Upon arriving at the perfect location; which happened to be a catwalk looking down over a comically large vat of molten steel, Twilight lit her horn, teleporting the massive mechanical stallion; who was very much not dead, into the air a few feet above the vat. He found himself entirely unable to react as he splashed down into the hot gooey metal of about 2750°F (Farenhorse) and slowly descended, the extremely evil looking lights in his eyes dimming as he melted into nothingness. Also it looked really cool.
She turned to Dawn and said, “Lesson three I guess? Teleporting is overpowered, use it all the time. Seriously, it’s really good.” She then teleported away because she could.
