DUDE.

by Masterweaver

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, Sprout, Comedy, My Little Pony: A New Generation, Hitch Trailblazer
Length: 1181

Hitch has a talk with his deputy.

"What's the one thing--the one thing--I told you not to do while I was away."

"Try to start a war."

"And what did you do?"

"...try to start a war."

Published 2021-10-01 04:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2021-10-01 04:30:02 UTC

Like, seriously, DUDE...

"What's the one thing--the one thing--I told you not to do while I was away."

"Try to start a war."

"And what did you do?"

"...try to start a war."

Hitch nodded, rubbing his forehooves together. "You tried. To start. A war. Sprout, your mother made her living off of selling pony protection devices. Her selling point was 'to be scared is to be prepared.' And she never demanded we go off and destroy unicorns, or pegasi. She just sold 'protection.' Somehow, though, you got everypony together to build that... that thing, and convinced them marching out was somehow in their best interest--I, I'm not even sure I can see the chain of logic!"

"It..." Sprout kicked the ground, not looking up. "It seemed like a good idea at the time."

"Sprout, look out that window."

The red pony looked out the window.

"Nice day, isn't it?"

"....Yeeeeesss...?"

"Shame about the knocked over trolly," Hitch said flatly.

"Um."

"And those scratched up cobblestones," Hitch continued. "The ones your death machine ran over."

Sprout's ears flattened. "Well, you see--"

"Oh, and what's this?" Hitch slammed a paper onto the desk. "Why it's a damage report! From Canterlogic! Of how utterly out of whack their factory is after they built... what was it you called it?"

"...sprcsmkms..."

"Sorry?" Hitch leaned over the desk. "I didn't quite hear that."

"The Sprouticus Maximus--Look, I messed up. I really messed up. I get it."

"No I don't think you do--"

"It's the same thing everypony always says! Sprout, you screwed up, Sprout you're a menace, Sprout you can't just pay credit off with other credit! Everyone is soooo quick to point out how many mistakes I make and nobody ever thinks about all the good I do!"

Hitch took a deep breath.

"You want a chance to prove yourself."

"Yes."

"A chance to show all of Maretime Bay what you're capable of."

"Yes!"

"A chance to be the hero of the people, someone everypony likes, a beacon of hope."

"YES!"

"Welp, you had that chance." Hitch gestured out the window. "And guess what? The only town that suffered any sort of damages was Maritime Bay."

Sprout looked out the window.

"...The only town."

"Yep."

"...Didn't Zypher Heights throw their queen in jail?"

"Yes. Without damaging the town."

"Well--...um."

Hitch watched Sprout pace around the room, trying to come up with something to say.

"...Well--... WELL! You, you went off after your fillyfriend!"

"We're not dating."

"A-and you left me! ME! To protect the whole town! From rampaging monsters and nefarious thiefs and downright terrible litterers!"

"I will grant you that literers exist."

"You abandoned your post, Hitch Trailblazer! THAT'S A... THAT'S BREAKING LAWS! I'm pretty sure!"

Hitch took a breath, pulling out a book and flipping through it. "...Huh. Seems you're right."

"AHA!"

"It would appear I owe the city forty bits."

"THAT'S RIGHT wait only forty bits?" Sprout asked. "That's way too low!"

"No, no, it says right here--if a peacekeeper, in this case the sheriff, abandons their post without providing a replacement, they are obligated to pay twenty bits per day they did not report in."

"But you were gone three days!"

"And on the first day, I appointed you deputy, so it doesn't count."

"That's a STUPID law!" Sprout insisted. "If I have to listen to everypony telling me how stupid I am to my face, you should get some sort of consquence too!"

Hitch took a deep, slow breath.

"Let's say, hypothetically, that the unicorns could fry our brains with magic. And the pegasi were terrifying flying barbarians. Let's say that's how the world worked. Your plan, if I understand it correctly, was to ride up to them in a single easily-disabled war machine, with backup consisting of untrained citizens weilding no defined weapons and defended only by a single helmet which, being fair, would theoretically protect their brains."

Sprout stomped a hoof. "What was I supposed to do, just let them keep panicking without any sort of direction?"

"No," Hitch said, very slowly. "You were supposed to calm them down. Make sure they didn't destroy property in their panic. You were not supposed to lead them to what, supposedly, could have been their deaths. This isn't even about you being wrong, Sprout. This is about you being reckless--not just with yourself, but with everypony in the town."

"It always works for you!" Sprout protested.

"Okay, first of all, ouch, do you really think I'm reckless?"

"You dive into burning buildings to save kittens and rescue foals from stampedes and, oh, you chased your freaking fillyfriend across the lands with no idea what you were getting into!"

"Again: We are not dating. And to be clear: Those were all measured, calculated risks to ensure the safety of Maretime Bay. They were not reckless by any stretch of the word."

"Oh sure, the great Hitch Trailblazer is so perfect and magnificent that even his noble moments are planned weeks in advance!" Sprout spouted.

"Sprout."

"Actually, now that I think about it, do you plan these things?"

"Sprout."

"That would explain so much..."

"SPROUT."

"I've figured it out!" Sprout declared. "The reason you're so popular is... branding! You manufacture your popularity by rescuing ponies from disaster--disasters you somehow predict. Because your fillyfriend is behind them! You two have been scheming this whole time! She sets up the dangerous things and you save ponies because you know exactly what's going to happen in advance! And because she was always ranting about being friends with unicorns nobody ever suspected her! You indulged her delusions for your own gain!" He grinned manically. "Well too bad, sheriff Trailblazer, she's just become HYPERFAMOUS! Which is a super version of fame that you'll never get, and also means she can't sneak off to cause more problems for you to solve heroically! So HA!"

The red hoof pointed at Hitch's unamused face.

"...HA!" Sprout insisted, panting heavily.

"Why do I even bother." Hitch sighed. "Sprout, look. I can't keep you on if you're not going to take responsibility for your actions."

"This isn't about me!" Sprout insisted. "It's about you! It's always been about you!"

"No, it's about you--"

"I'm not you! I'll never be you! No matter how hard I try I can't ever have what you do!"

"You shouldn't be me!" Hitch snapped.

"Why the hay not?!"

"Because you're not HITCH, you're SPROUT!"

The room was quiet for a moment.

"You know what?" Hitch shook his head. "I was going to reprimend you, dock your pay, put you on watch. But now I'm thinking, no, that's not what you need."

"Oh yeah?"

"I'm firing you. Consider this your two weeks' notice."

"WHAT?!" the red pony cried. "What do you expect me to do?!"

"Get a job, Sprout. Away from here, away from me. Find something that you're good at. Stop trying to follow in my hoofsteps and make your own path."

"Fine! Maybe I will!" Sprout yelled, storming out of the office.

Hitch put his head in his forehooves. "...why am I the sane one...?"