Flanking Maneuvers

by Mandroid

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Human, Anon, Second Person, Comedy
Length: 69288

Celestia and her husband play mean tricks on each other.

A spin-off of Bros in Equestia. Flanking Maneuvers follows Celestia and Mous in their marital bliss as they do anything and everything to rile the other one up and get a laugh out of it. Will time tell if these two sociopaths actually love one other? Not without a lot of clean-up and a few musical numbers. Cover art by Jazzteeth.

Published 2012-09-10 06:24:02 UTC
Last updated 2019-10-13 05:20:52 UTC

Dinner and a Show.

-Theme Song-

"Mous, put on your tie right. This is a formal dinner." Celestia says as you try to get this stupid tie on for the third time in five minutes.

"Formal dinners blow.

"They do, but we both need to make an appearance."

"I can make an appearance in my boxers. And who cares about these clothes? You're naked all the time anyway. I'm starting to feel like you're showing off to the other stallions." you complain.

"Ohhh, is the human jealous?" She asks as she brushes her hair.

"I just want to know if I'm going to get tapped out from having to ride this bouncy castle once in a while."

"You'd kick the other stallions off the castle the moment they set hoof in it." she laughs out.

"I'd also bite."

Celestia tightens your belt with her magic. "Mous, don't make promises to me you can't keep."

"See? You're more interested in other things too. Let's go to the throne room and play King of the Hill on the throne again."

Anything was better than stupid formal dinners.

"Dear, when Luna caught us the last time, she almost passed out." she says.

"Hey. She was on the moon for a thousand years, she has to learn about the Baltimore Back Flip sooner or later."

"Perhaps it would have been better for her to learn in a more controlled environment?" Celestia asks.

"That's no fun."

How the hell do these cufflinks go on?

"Mous, having to move my unconscious sister back to her room because she caught us fooling around is not particularly enjoyable."

"Says you. That guard behind her was checking her ass out when we were going up those stairs, I saw it."

Okay...Now just take a small step an- "Goddammit! This stupid tie does not want to stay right!" you shout.

"Oh, let me." Celestia grips the tie with her magic and gets it situated.

"Thank you."

Celestia giggles as she goes back to her mirror. "I would assume you knew better by now then to let me near your neck with something."

Heh.

"You're kinky, but carrying my dead weight ass to dinner would be bad form. Not to mention a pain." you say.

"I can only imagine what everypony would say." Celestia chuckles.

"It's probably par for course by now."

"At least it would be better then showing up at the Grand Galloping Gala naked. Again." she scolds.

You said you were sorry...You had lied, but you said it...

This. Dinner. SUCKED. A bunch of stupid dignitaries doing stupid diplomacy over a stupid dinner.

You lean over to Celestia for the fifth time this hour. "Seriously, I will go fuck you in the bathroom. Anything to break up this monotony."

She leans back. "I've told you five times, not until the band starts playing."

You sink back into your seat and stab at your peas. "I should just get us ejected."

"And how would you do that, dear?"

You shrug. "Go around kicking people in the balls, probably."

Celestia chuckles. "That would make quite the scene."

"That's the plan."

Celestia levitates a mouthful of food up to her, but pauses for a moment. "Dear, I have a proposition for you."

"Celly, do you remember the last proposition one of us made? Look where we are now."

Celestia chews and swallows her food. "A wager then."

That had your ear. "Oh, baby. You know just how to get me going~"

Celestia chuckles at you. "You will have free reign to do whatever you want in this ballroom, the only condition is that you cannot get us ejected."

"Denying me the prize? You terrible temptress."

"Are you turning me down?" she asks.

You stand from your seat. "We both know you'd just take what you want anyway. Deal."

You grasp and shake Celestia's hoof.

"Have fun dear." She says as you walk away.

That's the plan.

Okay. On the prowl. You swipe a drink a waiter was carrying and spit in it.

Baby steps?

Hell no, baby steps are lame. Time to take this up a notch. You walk over the a group of ponies having a conversation "lead" by an old friend.

After all, who else in this room can you say has slept with your wife other than Fancypants? Probably half-ish.

He spots you as you approach. "Mous, good to see you old boy!"

"Hey Trousers."

He laughs at your nickname for him as you join the little circle. Fancypants leads the conversation again, taking the crowd off on wild tangents about airships and Wonderbolts.

You spend the entire time thinking how best to do this. It should involve Celestia, that much is certain. You look around the room as you plan the rest of this little Dinner from Hell.

Okay...this can work.

You sit on the sidelines until almost half the room is engrossed in Fancypant's story. You look across the room and spot Celestia still eating at the table.

Fatass.

Fancypants is still talking. "And so you see, The Patriots had never been there! They had been dead fo-

"My wife wants to have sex with you." you interrupt.

Everypony turns to look at you, Fancypants included.

It's silent. "She's been bugging me for ages to double up on her. I saw you here and figured, hey, why the fuck not?" you say.

Fancypant's looks a mix of shocked and embarrassed. Fleur looks pissed. "Uh...I-I-"

"She wants us to wear ski masks, though. Something about "taking her"."

You let your head follow a tray of Hors d'oeuvre's away from the group as Fancypants stammers something out to his wife-hooker thing.

You all but fall back into your seat next to Celestia after a few more minutes out on the floor. "Have fun?" She asks.

"Tons."

"I don't see any bruises. Are you sure you did something?"

"Of course I did, Sunny. All good things come in time." you say.

You stay at the table for a bit and enjoy a bit more of this food you weren't paying for.

Eventually, Fancypants trots up to you with Fleur looking annoyed besides him. "He-Hellow Princesh." he says.

Hehe.

"Uhm...Hello Fancypants." Celestia says with a somewhat forced smile.

"Hey Trousers."

"Ya-yo-Your hushband came an' found me a lil' while ago..and I will take you up on ur offer!" He shouts.

Celestia turns to look at you. You give your best smile.

"And what offer was that, Mister Fancypants?" she asks as her eyes narrow.

Fancypants looks confused. "Th-the one with you? A-and the-the..."

"Are you okay Fancypants?" somepony else at the table asks.

Fancypants puts a hoof on the table and sways in an invisible breeze for a moment.

"I-I..." The rest is drowned in a torrent of Facnypant's dinner and about a half bottle of punch. Your uproarious laughter drowned out any shock the dinner organizers had.

Celestia turns to you, looking alarmed. "Did you spike his punch?

You wipe a tear away from your face and rise. "Celly..."

You turn her face to the rest of the ballroom. Ponies everywhere are wobbling and falling, a few are in the corners trying to remain steady.

Celestia's eyes widen as she gets the true level of this feat.

"I spiked all the punch."

Fancypants vomits on the floor again as Celestia just smiles and shakes her head. "Clever, getting everypony else ejected."

You smile. "We're only halfway there, Celly."

You grab the plate of food you had purposely gone easy on and stand on the table.

"FOOD FIGHT!"

Celestia levitates you through the bedroom door. You had been laughing too much and slowing her down.

"A-and the part where the chandelier fell down!" you shout.

Celestia drops you on the floor, bits of food falling off you. With a quick spell, she flings the errant food off the two of you. Celestia removes and hangs up her dress, it being summarily ruined by food stains.

"You look annoyed." you say.

"I've been better." says in a voice far too cold for a sun Princess.

"Oh, screw off. You said we had to make an appearance and we did."

"And now the entire kingdom will know that my husband started a food fight after vicariously propositioning me to another stallion."

She's annoyed, she's using big words.

"Give me some credit, ya goon. I poured three bottles of "Stalliongrad Red" in that punch. Anypony who can remember tomorrow, let alone tonight, deserves that little tidbit of information." you say.

Celestia glances at you as she removes her crown. "They won't remember a thing?"

"That's the plan."

Celestia grows a smile as she trots over to you laying on the floor. In an instant, she lets her legs give out and lands on you.

"You bitch..." You say through possibly broken ribs.

"Consider it part of your payment."

"My payment?"

"You may have gotten everypony ejected from the dinner, but we were included in that number. That was against the rules..." She cooed.

You thought your actions through. You may have gone a bit overboard with the food fight. "I suppose they were, it was still worth it."

"And so..." Celestia says. "You must pay the price."

"And what might that be O' She of the One Track Mind?"

Celestia casts a spell and drowns the room in darkness. "Guess." She whispers into your ear.

"...Stop flicking boogers at you in your sleep?"

Family Matters.

There was a sun in your face and a moaning in your ear. No. Not just a moaning, it sounded like somepony was choking. You don't care what it is, it's too early for this shit.

"Shut up."

The sound continues for a moment. "S-so supportive..." Celestia croaks out.

"Don't care. Sleep now."

The horrible sound starts up again. God dammit.

"At least shut the door."

"No..." She moans back.

"Any reason other than spite?"

Whatever she's doing to cause that sound, she does it again. "N-No..." she says.

Cheeky bitch. That damn noise continues for the next fifteen minutes. Fifteen minutes of assaulting your ears as the sun creeps its way into your eyes.

Eventually, it becomes too much.

"Goddammit!"

You throw yourself out of bed. And throw your pillow out the open balcony door.

"GODDAMMIT!"

You stomp into your bathroom "Whatever you're doing in here just cost me my favorite pillow so it had better be pretty goddamn importa-"

You pause as you enter the bathroom. Celestia is laying on the floor, vomiting into the toilet.

"Oh."

Well, that accounted for the noise. Your eyes drifted over the sink and spotted that old tube of spermicide.

"OH."

Celestia was vomiting...in the morning...with an expired bottle of spermicide...

"Oh..."
-Theme Song-

"This is so bad." Celestia says as she paces around the room.

You had helped her through the rest of her vomiting and gotten her cleaned up a bit. It was now that the reality of the situation was setting in.

"It's not that bad." you say sitting on the bed, still in your boxers.

"Mous, any child that we had would be dead within a week of birth with what we do to each other."

"Maybe you're not pregnant."

Celestia shoots you her best "are you serious" look.

"What? It could happen."

Celestia goes back to her pacing. "How could this happen? I'm always so careful! That spermicide was supposed to be good for another month!"

Yeah...you may have fucked up there... You know you had swiped the bottle and thrown it out the window during one of Celestias more animated vomiting episodes.

"Maybe the spermicide just went bad?"

"Oh, I severely hope not! For their sake! A thousand years on the moon will seem easy compared to what I do to them..."

"Shit. This sucks."

"This does more the suck, dear." she says "The public will be up in arms, the schools around here will need to be aler-"

"No. Now you'll be stealing my food and you'll have a reason to be bitchy."

Celestia silently rolls her eyes as she keeps pacing. "Uhg. What are we going to do about this?"

"Will you stop worrying so much LightBrite? We live in a castle, remember? Lots of stairs here."

That seemed to have crossed a line, as Celestia stopped in her tracks and glares at you. "Not funny."

"Yes it was."

Celestia scoffs. "Of course, I live for over a thousand years and take over a thousand partners, and the one time I slip up is with the one who acts like a child."

"You knew what you were getting into when you fuckin' married me."

"I didn't know I was getting into having a child!" she shouts.

This idiot was over a thousand years old and still scared of kids.

You rise from the bed and spread your arms "Do you want a hug?" you ask flatly.

Celestia turns to look at you. "What?"

She sounded legitimately surprised.

"I don't even want to have breakfast with you if you're going to be this annoying, let alone a baby. Do. You want. A hug?" you ask.

Celestia walks towards you with her lower lip out. She silently plops her head on your shoulder. "I'm still annoyed at you."

You wrap your arms around her neck. "No you're not, your just hormonal."

Celestia groans as she walks to her beauty desk and goes at her hair with the brush.
"We telling everyone at breakfast?" you ask as you search for your pants.

"Why in Equestria would that be a good idea?" she asks in response.

"Because they probably want to know if they're about to become aunts and uncles?"

"Mous, we don't even know if we're about to become parents. I think the rest of the family can wait."

Maybe...

Breakfast was quite. Mostly because Celestia was ridiculously tense. Most probably couldn't tell, but they haven't had to spend virtually every waking minute together for the past forever. You never really noticed how little everypony else at the table contributed to conversation...

Did you two really argue that much?

You enjoyed your sweet rolls not being shoved in your mouth for a while before Luna spoke up. "The two of you seem rather quiet today...be there something you wish to discuss?"

Shit. Of course Luna could sense something was up.

Uhhh...uh...crap!

Celestia steps in. "What do you mean, sister? We're just sitting at the table enjoying the families' company. There isn't anything that needs discuss-

"Celestia thinks she's pregnant."

Luna's jaw drops. Cadence does a spit take. Shining Armor is choking on his bagel.

Everything is silent for an eternity. And then you're thrown across the room.

You landed on your back and skidded and skipped along the floor.

"YOU IDIOT!" Celestia shouts.

"I panicked!" you shout back as you push yourself up.

Celestia flies over and lands in front of you. "What!? You can stare down a spirit of chaos, but you can't keep your mouth shut over breakfast!?

Your temper flares as you shove your face in hers. "It might have been easier to do if you weren't exuding "I got knocked up" waves as you sat there!"

Celestia stomps her hoof as her eyes start to glow. "Oh do not even start on me sitting there! It's your fault that I had to consider lying to my family in the first place!"

"MY FAULT!? You're the one wh-"

"Would you two like to take this to your room!?" Shining Armor shouts in his guard voice as he and the rest of the family gallop up to the two of you.

"Not now!"

"Don't tempt me!"

Celestia's eyes stop glowing as everypony gathers round.

"You alright?" Shining armor asks you.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

She deals out worse anyway...

Celestia brings a hoof to her face. "And now, everypony knows. Brilliant."

Maybe if you hadn't shouted...

Luna approaches Celestia. "Sister...Is it true? Are you...with child?"

Celestia sighs. "So it would seem...I spent the greater part of this morning trapped in the bathroom."

"Oh my...that does sound rather serious...Perhaps-" Cadence says.

Celestia stomps her hoof on the ground. "No. I will not allow this simple possibility to effect the workings of this kingdom until it becomes a certainty."

Celestia may act like a teenager sometimes, but she knew how to inspire. Everyponies faces looked a mixture of awe and calm.

"And if this...condition...becomes a reality, then we will deal with it in the most deserving manner."

Shining Armor salutes. "Yes ma'am." Before walking away with his wife.

Luna steps closer. "Well sister...if you think you can handle it, I trust you." she walks past and heads to her room. "Know that you need only ask should you desire to talk!" She calls back.

You walk up to your wife "Well, look at you. You were all nervous before and you set everything straight with some pretty words."

"Mous, shut up and come with me." she says walking towards the door.

You cock an eyebrow. "Where we goin'?"

"We're going to the drugstore to buy every pregnancy test they have." Celestia says.

Huh...Celestia also seemed to be a very good liar...

You stood in an alley next to the drug store.

"This is so stupid..." you say as you pinch the bridge of your nose.

"Look, just go in there and buy the tests. Tell them to bill the palace." Celestia says.

"And you don't think that will raise suspicion? On top of the fact that everypony knows we're married?" You lean back and peek through the window at the shop keep. "On top of the fact that they can probably see you standing here?"

"Mous, I have a reputation to uphold. I cannot be seen going into the drugstore to buy pregnancy tests!"

You cross your arms. "Oh, but your husband can?"

Celestia sighs. "Mous, just please do this for me."

You look down the road at the traffic. "Fine..."

Celestia perks up. "How come I have to be moping to get you to be sweet?"

"Because watching you mope sucks. I have a reputation to uphold too, you know."

Celestia smirks as you step inside the store.

Just because you agreed to do this didn't mean you were going to make it pleasant. You walked through the aisles as you looked for the right tests.

"M-milord?" a voice came from behind the counter.

"Supply run for the castle, pay it no mind." you say with a wave.

Okay, here they are. "Scry Baby: See if your future holds a bouncing ball of joy."

Yeah, you doubt that.

As you stand, you spot another prize. Spermicide. Dozens and dozens of boxes of spermicide.

"Uh...Will you be billing this too the castle, Milord?" the clerk asks.

"I will...and sorry for any damages."

"Damages?" he asks.

You slip your hands between the shelf and the boxes and push. The end of the aisle becomes a virtual waterfall of pregnancy tests and spermicide. As you go to inspect your handiwork, you turn to the stunned face of the clerk. "Can I get this in paper?"

Celestia was on your ass about going green.

That evening, you and Celestia had worked out a system. You would help her drink half her weight in water, hand her some tests, and let her go to town.

After all the tests are done, you compile the results.

"So, out of a hundred and thirty seven tests...eighty six were positive." you say, clipboard in hand.

"Which means...?" Celestia ask with an ice pack to her head.

You run the numbers in your head "Which means...there is a 62% chance that you're pregnant."

Celestia chuckles as she nurses her headache. Taking in and expelling that much water probably hurts.

"No "we're pregnant"?" she asks.

"I don't have a parasite growing in me..." you say as you walk over and sit on the floor next to Celestia. "...And I'm also still open to skipping town to Zebrica."

Celestia laughs. "Such a romantic..."

"I'm a great catch, I know."

Celestia leans against you. "A catch that has not only possibly condemned me to almost an entire year of torment, but has robbed my evening from me by making me take pregnancy tests among a mountain of spermicide."

"At least I stocked up. And I helped with the tests, might I add."

Celestia remains unmoving. "All the trappings of the perfect psychopath father."

"Better then a nymphomaniac mother."

That gets you a laugh. The two of you sit there for a while as you contemplate the future.

"Let's name it Spock." you say.

Celestia laughs again. "And if it's a girl?"

"Girl-Spock."

Checkup.

You and Celestia walked through the Canterlot streets.

"I still don't know how you swing this." you say.

"I'm the ruler of a nation, I can get a private sonogram if I need it." she mutters.

"But you can't get it done at the castle?"

Celestia turns her head to you. "Yes dear, let's let all the servants know that their monarch might be pregnant."

"Just blame it on Luna. She's gonna either slip up or let that little British fag ride bareback sooner or later, we can sell it that she did it now."

Celestia groans. "Please do not remind me of my sister's imminent statutory rape trial..."

"Oh like you haven't gotten away with worse."

The two of you walk into the hospital and head to the front desk.

The nurse working it looked up in shock. "O-oh! You're highness! Welcome...uh, I saw the note but I thought it was a prank!"

"Me too, she's committed this one."

A sharp pain makes its way through your foot as Celestia shuts you up with hers.

The nurse exits the desk and heads to a back room. "I'll go alert the doctors and set up your room."

You look around the lobby as you wait.

"So...here we are."

"No getting us ejected."

"No promises."
-Theme song-

Holy hell, this was boring.

Celestia was laying back on a bed as a doctor examined her with the scope.

"Boop."

"Mous, stop making that sound."

"No."

The doctor continued to silently rub the scope over Celestia's stomach.

You start to move your hand over the other side. "If I rub your stomach three times, does a genie pop out and grant wishes?"

"No, but your wife pops you to the moon. Again." Celly says.

"One of these days, straight to the moon?"

"Straight to the moon."

"You'd miss me."

"I'd finally have peace."

"And you'd have a moon covered in dicks."

"Would you two like some privacy?" The doctor asks.

"She likes it. See, you went and made the Doc upset." you say.

"I'm not the one threatening to deface the moon."

"It'd be an improvement."

The machine the doctor is using beeps. "Hmm. It seems we're having problems getting a clear image..."

"Celly, have you been swallowing lead again?" you ask as you examine the screen.

"Not since I stopped putting it in your food, dear."

The doctor raises from his seat. "I'm going to go get a consultation on this, I'll be back in a few minutes."

"Great. Your weird god-horse body is blocking my view of my child."

"I don't know why you're blaming me, this is clearly your fault."

"Screw you."

"You did, look where it landed me."

You were Celestia and this doctor was taking far too long. It had been fifteen minute since he left, and you had spent all of it laying rather unceremoniously on this horrible hospital bed.

You tried to calm yourself down for the umpteenth time since this started.

You REALLY were not ready to have a child.

Fear of birthing and raising it aside, it was blatantly obvious that you and Mous were not in any way suitable parents.

Speaking of your husband, where in the name of Tartarus was he? He had walked out some time ago, stating boredom.

If you had argued, he would have simply left on principal, that's the kind of jackass he was.

It was sort of funny.

The sound of stomping boots down the hall told you who it was before he entered the room.

"Celly, look!" he shouts from down the hall.

Mous bursts into the room, holding a crude approximation of a pony with some colorful blocks.

More interestingly, he had a filly on his head.

"They have Legos here!" he says.

He stares at your un-amused face for a while. "What?"

"Who's is that?" you ask.

His eyes drift up to his head piece. "Hi." she says.

"I've been hanging in Pediatrics." Mous says.

"So you decided to kidnap a filly?"

"I'm preparing for fatherhood."

"I ask again."

"She likes it up there, right poozer?"

The filly looks around nervously on the top of Mous's head. "I-It's too high up here..."

Mous grumbles and removes the filly before walking out the door. "Traitor."

The doctor had finally come back with another sonogram device. He had performed more or less the same test he did before and even had to go for another consultation, just like before.

At least he let you get up and walk around this time...

Your royal mind drove you to handle the biggest problem first: Getting your husband away from newborns.

You trotted through the hospital searching until you heard a very familiar sequence of strings plucked. Off in a corner, surrounded by foals, Mous sat on a bench; a guitar resting in his lap.

"And that, kids, is the song that was playing when the Princess and I first met."

Several "Ooohs" and "Aaahs" went through the crowed as you approached.

"Check it out, Celly! They had one stashed in a closet somewhere." he says as he holds up the instrument.

"You play?"

"Not a lot, but I know some ditties." He looks down to the foals with a wide smile. "Who wants to hear one?"

The children on the floor all shout their approval as Mous readies his instrument and offers a wink to you.

-Music-

The children watch with glee as Mous picks along the simple rhythm.

"My lady will give birth one day."

Oh great...

"I'll run to her room right away."

"She'll smile with glee, and hand her to me."

"I'll look at my newborn and say..."

The room fills with music as Mous plays the guitar harder.

"DAMN THAT'S A UGLY BABY!"

"DAMN THAT'S A ULGY ASS BA-*GAK*"

Mous struggles in your magical grip as you pull the guitar away from him and lift him into the air.

"I'm sorry children, but I need my husband right now. We'll come visit again."

"I'll be here all week!" he calls back.

You flailed around in your wife's grip as she floated you back to her room.

"This is demeaning!"

"You've done worse to yourself."

"This is spousal abuse!"

"No Jury in Equestria will convict me."

Celestia drops you on the floor of the room.

"I'm telling Luna!"

Celestia simply rolls her eyes at that.

"What's the deal? We were having fun."

Celestia shoots you an annoyed glance. "Ignoring the fact that you've been as far away from this sonogram as possible, you know I can't let you corrupt my nations children. Especially the infirm."

"Yeah, that's your job."

The two of you probably could have argued into the night, but the doctor chose that moment to return.

"Your Highness, I have done two tests and run the results by every doctor on the floor." He looks the two of you in the eye flatly. "You are not pregnant, at all."

Celestia and you share a confused glance. "But...I'm still having morning sickness!"

"Damn right she is! Every morning! From dawn till like, nine!"

It was royally annoying.

The doctor levitates his chart up to his face. "Well, the test says otherwise. You WERE pregnant some time ago, but there is no fetus growing inside of you at this time."

Okay, now you're confused. "What."

He looks down at his charts. "Yes. It seems that due to the Princesses' natural connection to the sun, her body absorbs a startling amount of solar radiation. That's why we were having so much trouble getting through in the older sonogram."

"Once we got a clearer image, and with a few more opinions, we have determined that you are indeed not pregnant, Princess. You may never be." he continues.

Oh. Wow.

The two of you stood outside the hospital after your appointment.

"So." you say.

"I'm not pregnant."

"And you won't be."

"Never."

"Not ever never."

"It's for the best."

"Totally."

"We'd be horrible parents."

"The worst."

"Nowhere near ready."

"Yeah."

The two of you slowly started to walk down the street.

"Still..." you say.

Celestia turned her head to you.

"Was kinda looking forward to it."

Celestia giggles. "Corrupting more children?"

That got a grin from you. "Yeah, but it being mine would make it easy for once."

Celestia smiles as she continues to walk forward. "Maybe one day, dear. Maybe one day you and I can have the most vindictive child in history."

"Maybe we just did? I wouldn't put it past some combination of us to abort itself out of spite."

Celestia tries and fails to stifle a laugh. "*Snrk!* You're terrible."

"The best kind~."

Musical Short 1.

Authors note: A tiny musical chapter I wrote for fun, expect more if this gets a good reception.

You were laying back on your bed reveling in one of the calmer nights you've had here. Meaning you still had your pajamas on and weren't getting accosted to take them off.

Celestia was standing by the balcony door, looking out.

"Dear?" she asks.

You grunt.

"Let's go for a ride."

You look up at her in confusion. "Say what?"

"A ride. It's a beautiful night out and I never get to enjoy them like this." she says with a smile

"Is this going to end with my pants off?"

She chuckles. "Who knows~?"

She probably knew, the twat.

"Are you taking me out to meet one of your boytoys on the side?"

Celestia pouts. "That hurts me, Mous. You know I'd never step out on you~..."

"Unless that's what you want me to think."

She trots up to you and nudges your leg. "Come on, you never take me anywhere nice."

"How would this work, anyway?"

"I have wings, Mous." she says as she spreads her "back-tits" as you've called them.

"Are you sure you can lift both our fat asses?"

"We'll never know unless we try." she grins out.

This was stupid. It also might be a trap. But you were also bored.

"Fine."

You hop off the bed and climb onto Celestia's back as she heads out to the balcony. With a flap of her wings, she takes the two of you into the air. You hanging onto her neck for dear life.

You were high above Canterlot now, just flying through the clouds. It was kinda nice up here...

"I'll admit, you can keep people on your back fairly well."

Celestia smiles up at you.

"But I know how kinky you are, I'd expect you to have practice at it."

Celestia rolls her eyes. "Can't even let me enjoy my night out, can you."

You look around at the almost familiar setting...

"I have a song for you, if you want."

She arcs an eyebrow.

"What I have a voice like an angel."

"A fallen angel, maybe."

Whatever, she'd see.

-Music-

"I heard you had fucked a guard."

"Just like you did all the others."

"Tell me, princess, now when did you last let your head decide?"

Celestia banked through a cloud.

"You dragged me into your room."

"Tried to make me your plunder."

"Over, sideways and under."

"On a night of blackmail sex."

"My slutty wife~!"

"Re-defining "city bicycle."

"You bring the dawn."

You flick her horn. "Can't make a spawn."

"A good thing that you can't, huh?"

Celestia smiles up at you as she decides to sing.

"My freak husband!"

"A stubborn oaf from far away."

"But now listen here."

"It's crystal clear."

"That I keep you around for those hands~..."

She begins to descend, the two of you hopping over Canterlot's roofs.

"An unbelievable ass."

"Indescribably tactless."

"Torid, ruthless, and callous."

"Just an irritating guy!"

Celestia dives straight down.

"My freak husband!"

"Don't you dare close your eyes!" you shout, not sing.

"A hundred thousand things to try!"

"Hold your breath - it might help here!"

"You are a psychopath!" you sing together.

"You'll feel my wrath!" you sing.

"You can't do math!" she echoes.

"At the least you can hold my attention."

Shit, she was booking it.

"My slutty wife!"

"I've got more pranks to do to you."

"You'll do me anywhere! And you won't care!" you sing together.

"At least I made you cry out your own name."

Celestia swung back to the castle after your little duet and when p0nies on the ground started to notice the two of you.

You jumped off as you landed and made for the mirror. "Don't fly so damn fast, you'll fuck up my hair."

"Oh, you had fun."

"Lies. I had fun one time and it was awful. Never again."

Celestia walks up behind you and nuzzles the side of your face. "Well I did...

Oh hell.

"And all that somehow made you horny?"

"Mmmm~"

You reach up and scratch her between her ears, eliciting a moan.

"Hey...how bout we try something new tonight?"

Celestia is trying to massage her face with your shoulder. "Oh?...Like what?..."

"I'll show you.~"

You walk over to the bed. Throw up the blankets. Slide yourself between them slowly. Reach over and turn off the light. And promptly go the fuck to sleep.

Deal with it, Celly.

Musical Short 2.

It's Nightmare Night. You're with Luna.

"Oh, where is she?" she asks.

"Would you relax? You'll get to see your boyfriend in Ponyville soon enough."

Even if he was still eight...

You shudder.

"This is so like her, hiding from me so she doesn't have to watch over the city. Stranding me here."

Maybe she's trying to send a message...

"Look, I'm sure that we'll fin-"

"Hello, you two."

You and Luna wheel around.

Celestia is standing outside of a small tent covered in sun symbols. She was also wearing a suit and a top hat.

You cock and eyebrow. "Wha-"

"Not right now, dear."

She turns to you two again and nudges you to the tent with her magic. "Might I interest you in a little...private show?"

You are not amused. "Celly, I just want to get back out there and scare children."

Luna nods. "Yes, and you must take over my guard of the city so that I might away to Ponyvil-"

The two of you get no further as you are gripped by magic and thrown into the tent.

-Music-

You and Luna land in a heap on the floor as Celestia booms over you. "Don't you disrespect me little man!"

"Stay a little while, if you're inclined."

"You're in my world now, not your world..."

She shoves her ass in your face. "And I've got a flank that will blow your mind."

A small echo went through the tent. "She's got a flank that will blow your mind..."

You get up and dust yourself off. "Celly, that's fun and all, but I really thin-"

Celestia gives the two of you another magical shove.

"Sit down at my table."

"Take a seat, oh please~."

"If you relax it will enable me to give your dick a squeeze." That was accompanied by your pants momentarily tightening.

"I know just what gets you."

"I can tell just what to do."

"I take a good long look at your heart's desire..."

She leans over to Luna. "You do have those, don't you sister?"

"Known how to set your soul afire."

She floats a large book over to the table. It says "Karma Sutra: Extreme Edition."

Oh hell...

"I got doodoo, I got thumbscrew, I got things even -I- haven't tried!"

Wait, what was that second thing?

Celestia chuckles. "And I've got a flank that'll blow your mind."

Pictures of various ponies hung around the room and seemed to speak. "She's got a flank that'll blow your mind."

Celestia cracks open the book.

"The forms, the forms, the forms show all."

"From the front, the back, or against the wall."

"The forms...THE FORMS...Just pick one..."

"Go on, pick a form and we'll have a little fun~."

You keep your face deadpan as you stared at Celly's stupid hat and flipped to a page that has what looks like somepony sitting on another back.

Celestia grins.

"Now you my dear, are from across the stars."

"You were pulled from your world and you came to ours."

"Celly, take off the hat." you say.

She ignores you.

"Your lifestyle's high!"

"Since you lost that bet..."

She smiles at you. "This has got to be better than just living in my debt."

"Having a nice Nightmare Night, dear?"

"I was, until you kidnapped me."

"Oh, I'm just putting on a show."

"Finally one that doesn't involve fishnets, huh?"

Celestia grins. "Oh, you know you and I have fun."

The pages of the book flap rapidly now.

"We have our fun! Have our fun! Have our fun, my hon!"

"And when I guess about later, it's the fun that I run!"

Celestia turns to Luna. "On you dear sister, I don't even have to try."

"You wear what you like right on your face."

"You want someone nice, and quiet and safe as a vice."

"And if you found someone, you'd smother them in your embrace."

The pages flip again. "But out there somewhere, the one I see..."

It stops on what looks like a pony twice the size of its partner half wrapped around it.

"Has exactly the thing you couldn't get from me."

Luna looks as confused as you when Celestia extended her hooves. "Shake my hooves..."

"Wha-"

"Come now, you two...won't you shake your dear Princess' hooves?..."

You and Luna both sigh and grasp her hooves.

"Yes!"

Celestia jumps up on the table and casts a spell, bringing the room to life with lights.

"Are you ready?"

"Are you ready?" The pictures from the wall echo

"Are you ready?"

That was getting old...

"Kinky evening central!

"Kinky MORNING central!"

"Kinky all-week-long central."

Those stupid pictures would be annoying you if your pants didn't seem to magically be getting tighter.

"Can you feel it?"

"You're rising, you're climbing, you're sprouting all right. I hope you'll come unwind."

"In fact I really can't see you not..."

"Because I've got a flank that will blow... your... MIIIND!"

Celestia does her best Nightmare Moon impersonation as the pictures float around.

"Hope you didn't have plans, cause you'll be here all night."

As the laughter stops, the room goes dark and you hear a shlicking sound.

"Oh~..."

You reach into your pocket and grab your lighter. The small light offered some refuge from the darkness. It also illuminated Celestia's toothy grin as she laid seductively on the table.

That was...something else.

"So...what did you think?" she asks.

You rise from your seat as best you can. "That was incredibly silly."

"You like silly." she says as you take a few steps towards her.

"Can't believe you set all this up..."

"Most of what you DO is silly."

"Can't believe you made us come find you!"

"I'd say about ninety percent."

"Why was so important that you do it tonight of all times?"

Celestia looks at you through lidded eyes. "Dear, none of that answers my question. What did you thiiiink~?"

"What did I think?"

You turn your head to Luna. "What did I THINK!?"

You grab your wife by the back of her head and declare blitzkrieg on her mouth. Celestia releases a low moan as you side your tongue along the back of her teeth. What can you say? You loved a good performance.

You break the kiss and press your forehead against hers "I think you need to get your sister out of this goddamn tent right fuckin' now."

-Luna PoV-

You felt the familiar tug of your sisters magic as you were unceremoniously tossed out of the tent outside. You were prepared to give her a piece of your mind after you got up, but you could hear the muffled giggles and gasps escaping the tent as you got closer.

"Oh, what's the point..."

You trotted away from the tent through the rest of the castle garden. Up above, the moon you were responsible for hung in the sky.

"I wonder if you're looking at it right now..."

You wanted to see him so badly... Your sister and her husband didn't understand, nopony could understand what you felt.

They would just try to take him away from you.

-Music-

"I'm So lunely."

"So lunely."

"So lunely and sadly alune."

You walked into the castle proper.

"There's a small one.

"Far, far from me."

"Who I pray that I see very soon."

"I scare ponies off and have few good friends."

"But I talk to him, and he understands."

"But nopony takes our love seriously..."

You made your way up the stairs to your room. "And so I'm lunely."

You hitch a bit as you think about him. "A little lunely."

"Poor little me."

You make your way through the halls

"There was one pony."

"I could relate to"

"But she found one from beyond the stars."

You chuckle. It's kinda silly."

You shake your head" "But not really..."

The mirror nearby you cracks as you walk past it.

"I just wish that we still had what's ours!"

You open the door to your room.

"They say love knows no bounds and that you should chase it."

"But you find it and they tell you that it doesn't fit."

"So I sneak out to see he who knows the real me~..."

"But until then, I'll just be lunely."

You sigh. "Little lunely, poor little me"

You rest your head on your legs.

"I'm so lunely..."

A gentle knock comes at your door. "Princess Luna?"

"Uhg...What, Sunshine?"

"It's your sister, Ma'am. She said you are free to leave the city now."

You practically jump out of the bed and cheer in your glee. You were coming, Pippen!

You might even give him tongue tonight. And if you were patient, he would be giving it to you!

Fucking Fetishes.

You dug through your the drawes in your room, place off to the side because you weren't a fatass who needed huge clothes.

"Celly!" you shout.

"What dear?" comes from the balcony.

"Where the fuck are all my socks?"

When you get no answer, you turn around. Celestia's eyes are darting back and forth as they try to avoid your gaze.

"Celly..."

Celestia bites her lip. "You remember when I wanted to try on socks that one night a few weeks ago to see how they felt?"

"CELLY..."

"Well..."

Your face falls. "Do you. Have any idea. How much custom sock orders for me cost?"
-Theme song-

You wondered around the room.

"Where the fuck is my bit pouch?"

Celestia had retired onto the bed and was watching you run around. "Why is this so important to you?"

"Because I have sensitive feet and don't want to step on fucking rocks all day?"

"Sensitive feet~?"

"Piss off. Not in the mood."

You toss your pants out of the drawer and root around inside.

"And why do you need socks? Your boots work just as well without them."

"Because I don't want rank ass athletes foot anymore then I want rocks in my feet."

You finally find your bit pouch, why the fuck was it with your underwear?

Grimacing as you lace up your boots, you turn to your wife. "I suppose this is the time when I'm supposed to ask you if I should pick up anything while I'm out."

Celestia lays back on the bed. "I don't but ask Luna if she needs anything."

Your scowl deepens.

"I was being facetious."

"Too late, you've volunteered now."

God. Dammit.

"I hate you so much."

Celestia chuckles as you step out. "Liar."

You stomp down the hallways towards Luna's room, your feet feeling strange against nothing but your boots.

And why are you bothering? Luna probably wasn't even up yet.

You knock on the door when you get there. Nothing...

You open the door and peer inside.

"Luna?...You up yet?" you call out.

You heard muffled voices coming from deeper in the small apartment Luna had for a room. Not only was she up, but entertaining?

Your natural inquisitiveness demands you go look.

As you get closer, the voices sounds like...laughter? As you crossed over the threshold into Luna's bedroom, you decided that your natural inquisitiveness was an asshole.

A small colt with the coat of a cow jumped onto the bed dressed like a pirate. "Don' worry Sea Princess! Captain Pip will save you from the dragon!"

Luna lay on her side on the bed, wearing in a frilly dress. "Oh~ Captain Pip! However can I...repay...you..." she says as her eyes drift over to you.

Your fist shook as you tried to stop the Class Z apocalyptic rustling of your jimmies.

Pip gets a big smils."Oh, hello Mister Mous! Are you here to join me and Luna's game?"

Luna shoots the boy a quick glare at the suggestion as you calm yourself enough to speak.

"No...thanks...kid. Luna! I'm heading out...is there anything you wanted me to pick up...?" you ask through gritted teeth.

Luna's eyes shift between you and Pip. "N-no. Brother-in-law...nothing I need." she says.

"Good."

You turn on your heel and stomp out of the room.

You slam the door behind you and rub your temples in an attempt to unsee.

You grab a nearby guard from his post. "Little Pip's mother has called him back home. Call into Princess Luna's room and prepare a chariot."

"Yes sir"

That's better...

It was late afternoon when you got to Joe's Storage. Yeah, you had lied when you talked about the cost of these socks. You had thousands in a garage at the edge of the city.

"Yo." Joe says as you walked into the office.

It was a bit weird that the doughnut place guy ran a storage lot, but his rates were cheap.

"Yo Joe."

"Socks again?"

"Yep."

"Princess ware out the old ones?"

You sigh. "Don't want to talk about it, Joe. Just take my back."

Joe nods and levitates your key off a rack behind him.

Your garage was near the back, the better to ward off suspicion. A lot of ponies did that, by your reasoning. You think the guy next to you was running a meth lab in his.

You open the door to your garage and gaze at the mountain of packages of socks piled inside it.

"Stupid mare is going to be the death of me."

Joe laughs. "Yeah, she can be pretty intense."

You arch an eyebrow at Joe.

"What? Everypony knows about how the Princess used to get around. You'd shoulda heard what some guys said they were gonna do to you after the two o' you got married." he says.

The socks hit the ground as you turn your head up.

"Is there anyone in this city who has not slept with my wife!?"

You drag your hand down your face. "How long ago?"

"Huh?"

"I don't want your cream filling, now how long ago?"

Joe brings a hoof to his chin. "A while before you two got hitched. Just before the royal wedding, I think."

Back when she was seeing you every weekend...

"Uhh...that a problem?"

"No...no, it's fine." you grumble.

Not much about your situation was really "official" anyway.

You snatch up some socks and head back home. "You owe me free doughnuts from now on"

"Wha-Why?"

"You know why, Tidbit Tiddler!" you call back.

A wife for some damn doughnut holes was fair.

Fuck. Who knew an armful of socks was such a pain to carry? You'd think that with how much time you spent with Celestia, you'd have picked up some magical powers or something.

Instead all you got was a tan on your dick.

You were walking through the castle halls when you heard giggling coming from an open door. Your natural inquisitiveness starts to act up again.

No! Fuck you inquisitiveness! You know what happened the last time!

You find your hand on the door, opening it and stepping inside.

Two figures sat on a couch. One was your in-law and favorite irritation target: Shining Armor The other had a black coat, wings, and a horn. But her hair gave her away.

"Cadence, you have no idea how much this means to me..." Shining says.

"O-of course dear."

"It's just that...we were together pretty often before the wedding an-"

"I get it dear...you made a connec..ti...on...

Someone fades off as they see you while they have freaky sex for the second time today. Both Shining Armor and Chrys-Cadence exchange glances between you and their spouse.

His face when.

"Are...you okay, Mous?"

"YES. I AM FINE."

Cadence gasps. "Did we...leave the door open?"

"HELL YEAH YOU DID."

The awkwardness is palpable.

You look over Cadences now black body. "DID YOU TWO JUST PAINT HER, OR WHAT?"

Cadence's blush breaks through the layer of black. "It...comes off with water..."

"Or...saliva..." Shining Armor finishes.

You step backwards out the door. "ENJOY YOUR BLACK SHITS, YOU TWO."

With that, you slam the door and walk upstairs.

You kick open your door and toss the socks into the corner.

"Hello~" Comes from your side.

Your scowl deepens as you see the sight on your bed. Celestia had bound herself in fucking red ribbon on the bed. She even tied a little bow on the back.

You were about to go ballistic when you catch yourself.

Easy. You prepared for this.

You walk over to the bed and reached into the cooler you kept underneath. "Talked to Joe about how you two knew each other today."

"And what did he say~?" Celestia asks.

You plopped down on the bed and flip on the T.V. with your beer in one hand and secret weapon concealed in the other.

"Apparently, you knew him when you knew me."

Celestia rolls her eyes. "A mare has needs, Mous. You were only here on weekends."

"Yeah, whatever. Nympho."

Celestia nuzzles your cheek. "Don't be like that...You know I'd never step out on my favorite husband." she coos.

Probably only because you'd win then...

"Eh. At least I got free doughnuts out of it."

Celestia chuckles. "Perhaps I should "know" more people."

"My sloppy seconds rule has not changed since the first time we slept together, Celly."

"Tight ass."

The two of you watch T.V. in silence for a bit.

"...Well, aren't you going to open your present?"

"Oh yeah..."

You hand shoots out and smacks onto her flank without a word

"Oh~! I didn't know I was getting to you that much...Perhaps we can start by-

"Look at your ass."

Celestia looks down to see a sticker covering her Cutie Mark.

DO NOT OPEN UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Assholes and Art.

-Theme Song-

"This is stupid."

"Stop pouting." Celestia says.

"No, art galleries are stupid."

"And where would you rather be?"

"Fillydelphia, Tartarus, The moon, The oblivion after death."

You and Celestia stepped through the doors of the gallery, Celestia instantly groaning as she did.

"Did you get another ladyboner?" you ask.

"It's him..."

You follow her eyes to a stallion with black hair and a tie talking to a group of other ponies.

"Who, the dude with the eyebrows?"

Celly sighs. "His name is Filthy Rich. He lives out in Ponyville and has been making quite the name for himself in Canterlot."

"And this has your pissy because?"

"Because he made his name by bribing his way into parties and badmouthing me."

Oh.

"Tell him to piss off?"

"A ruler can't seem so petty."

"Even when she totally is?"

"Shut up."

"Make me."

Celestia's horn glows and you feel the back of your pants tighten around your ass.

"Oi! Fuck off." you shout.

Celestia giggles for a second before her face falls again. "Great. Filthy saw that. I can only imagine how much fun this event is going to be."

"We could just fucking leave."

Celestia nuzzles your face. "Come dear, we need to get some culture in you."

"This looks like a fucking ass."

Celestia trots up behind you. "That's because it's an actual ass, dear."

You tilt your head to the side and re-examine the painting. "Oh. I knew that."

Celestia rolls her eyes as the two of you move on to the next exhibit. It was a painting of a stallion who's hair braid seamlessly weaved into his tail.

Celestia was particularly interested in it. "He reminds me of those horsemen from that show you showed me."

"The Dothraki."

Celestia's eyes glaze over. "Such liberal use of clothing..."

"Are you trying to get me to eat your heart or something?"

She turns back to you with lidded eyes. "As the stars look down in witness?"

You roll your eyes and walk down the hall, flipping your wife the bird as you did. Why did you show her those DVD's?

You came up on some crazy sculpture with dozens of bends and twists in it with a dozen ponies clustered around it.

As the guide droned on, you leaned over to Celly. "Look, they stole your dildo."

Celestia leans back to you. "No, mine is red."

"Pft. No surprise there."

Gotta go fast.

The guide stopped talking and lead the group on to the next exhibit. One pony however, remained behind and walked towards the two of you.

You heard a sharp intake of air from Celestia as he approached. "Filth Rich, a pleasure to see you." she says through gritted teeth.

He scowls. "I wish the same could be said for me, Celestia."

"It's Princess." you say in a heartbeat.

He looks back to you. "Ah yes. The new prince. I'm told that the only reason you are here with her today is because she snatched you up into her room one day."

"And who told you that?"

"A mutual acquaintance." he says.

Fancypants. You can't be mad at trousers, least of all for the friends he keeps.

"That's weird, an acquaintance of mine told me that your daughter is a massive dripping cunt."

His eyes narrow and his voice grows icy. "And who would this acquaintance be?"

"The royal spymaster. Considerably more trustworthy a source then a socialite."

Filthy is about to open his mouth before he snaps it shut. He trots back to the rest of the group, giving you the stink eye the entire way.

Celestia rests her head on your shoulder. "Only you are allowed to insult and belittle me?"

"Just like you're the only one who gets a pass on me. Fair trade, Celly."

You get a peck on the cheek as Celestia moves onto another exhibit. "How sweet. My marriage is based on economics."

"This looks like your twat."

Celestia was practically hanging off you as she leaned up to read the plaque underneath the painting.

"That's because it seems like you commissioned this piece based on your descriptions of "The Doorway to the Heavens." she turns her head back to you with a smile. "One can only imagine what that is."

"One hell of a birthday present for my wife. She was too much of a bitch to accept it, though."

Celestia smiles. "Perhaps she simply doesn't need a picture to see her own "Doorway to the Heavens."

You point to the edge of the painting. "Look, you can see where I had him sneak in my face."

Celestia places her head on your shoulders again. "Hmm...I don't need a picture for that either."

You throw your hands up as you adjust your footing. "Okay, why are you so on today?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about." Celestia says matter-of-factly.

"Get real. If you were any more turned on you'd be leaving a trail."

Celestia chuckles and removes her head, looking at you with lidded eyes. "Perhaps I'm simply elated that for all the abuse my husband and I put each other through he still makes an effort to defend my Princessly honor."

"If you had any, sure."

She rests her chin on top of your head.

"Seriously, don't mention it. I don't need you to go starting to expect it." you say.

Celestia releases a single throaty chuckle.

You walk down to the next painting on the wall. A crowd scene.

"Hey look. Your exes."

"Speaking of males who could satisfy me..."

"Feeling a bit less whimsical now?"

"You simply have that effect on ponies, dear."

"At least you're not at risk of drowning the gallery in your Sunny Delight anymore."

Celestia chuckles and perches her head on your shoulder again. "A Dothraki would ride me from sun up to sunset..."

This crap again? Wait...

"Celly..."

Here eyes snap open from their daydream and lazily look at you.

"Was that a challenge?"

You were Filthy Rich and you were still mad. That idiot prince had insulted your daughter and gotten away with it. Why did you let him get away with it? True, little Tiara had her...moments but "dripping cunt" was rather low.

You had kept an eye on the royal duo as they went around their trip. The tart of a Princess was practically mounting him the entire time. You had tolerated them when those aliens had arrived in town, but marrying into the royal family? Influencing the ruler of the nation herself? Getting her to send Fancypants away like that?

As a stallion of constitution, you could not let that go unpunished.

You had spent the last months badmouthing her, both in protest to the alien whispering in her ear and as revenge for Fancy. You peer back to see what they were up to no- Wait, where did they go? You twist your head around as you look for them. What happened here?

Your mind goes white as Celestia clenches down on you and sends you over the edge. Her horn continues to spark and her wings slowly droop down from their ridged state as she moans into the ground. You spit the tip of one of her wings out with the accompanying feathers as you separate the two of you and pull your pants back up. As soon as you do, you feel a magic force pull you back down to the ground and lay you on your back.

Celestia scootches her way up to you and nuzzles her face into your cheek. Cooing the entire time.

"Somepony enjoyed herself if she's this intent on fondling me."

Celestia releases a contented sigh. "Who's my Stallion Who Mounts the Sun?"

You grimace. "Please don't make this that weird."

Celestia chuckles and kisses your cheek as the two of you lay on the floor together. You rest your hands on your somewhat sore stomach as you look around this mirror-y dome thing Celly had dragged you into.

"I don't know if it's possible to make your ass look any fatter, but these mirrors are trying their damndest."

The two of you sneak back into the main gallery and continue to look around. Celly's sprits had been raised after your quickie and she went lead you to another exhibit.

Celestia stares through the magnifying glass at the grain of rice in the case. "Look, a to scale representation of your manhood."

You look both ways before giving Celly's Cutie Mark a light smack. A small gasp going through the gallery.

"I didn't hear you particularly complaining~."

Celly looked up at you with a grin. "Your true strength lies in your fingers, dear."

"A-huh."

You look around the gallery "Tell me if you see that Hooves guy. I'd like to met Vincent Van Goat."

The two of you walk through the rest of the gallery and spot what else? Filthy Rich chatting up a bunch of ponies.

"-snuck off somewhere with that alien of-" he was saying.

"My ears are burning."

Filthy turns to look at you with a scowl. "They should be. We were just wondering what kind of depraved acts you two were up to behind our backs.

You don't have to be looking at her to know Celestia is rolling her eyes.

"You were probably watching. You tell us what you saw."

A few of the ponies behind him start to giggle. "Ah. Admittance." Filthy says.

He turns back to the crowd. "See? This is what our ruler has been reduced to, a slave of some ape man from across the stars."

Oh come on...

"Not that she was particularly effective at ruling beforehand."

Hey now.

"Nightmare Moon, Discord, Diamond Dogs and a slew of other problems."

You felt your feet taking you forward and your hand going over a vase next to you.

"If there is ever a problem that can only be stopped by sleeping with it, we'll know our Princess is more the equi-"

You tap Filthy on his shoulder. "Hey."

He turns to you, eyebrow arched.

"Hold this."

Too bad it came to head wounds. That was a nice vase they had.
-Music-

You sat outside with Celly twenty minutes later, applying ice to your head. Who knew bones were so hard?

"Was that really necessary?" she asks.

"What part?"

"The vase to the head for now."

"He was calling you a slut, and that's my job. I don't need competition in this economy."

"No thought to your reputation?"

"Reputations are for stupid Princesses who care what other ponies think, I'm fine with mine being about kicking the ass of whoever steps in on my insult territory."

Celestia smiles and shakes her head. "And the fire?"

You wince "I'll admit. That was a little much."

Celestia sits down next to you. "What in the world am I to do with you?"

"Live a life without want or worry as we continue to physically and emotionally abuse each other for our own sick pleasure?"

Celestia melodramatically throws herself back. "Oh but a there's so much more out there for a mare!"

You point to the ambulance tending to Filthy Rich's broken leg and scorched hair. "He's right over there."

Celestia grins. "I do have SOME standards, dear."

The two of you stare at him for a bit.

"He so wants to fuck you." you say.

"Jealousy can be a powerful thing. It can even cause a pony to act like an ass."

"I don't get jealous, what's my reason?"

"A rare developmental disorder that only allows for brief spurts of intense, uncontrollable emotion."

"What am I, a daytime soap now?"

Celestia chuckles. "Well, that's what's ensuring you don't get sent to jail for this so perhaps you should play the part."

You laugh as you move your ice pack to another wound. "Is that what you tell em every time?"

"No. "He's very stupid." usually works."

Heh. Bitch.

Musical Short 3.

Why the fuck do you have to get groceries? You're royalty, you have people for this. But nooo. Fucking Celly sends you out at nine at night to get frozen yogurt.

Neither of you even eats frozen yogurt.

You walked into the room and set the bag down on the table.

"They were out of strawberry and if you complain...I'll..."

Why did your room have ass paddles hanging from the ceiling? Why were they hanging from meat hooks? Why did they have your name stitched into them?

"Do you like it?"

You turn around an-Oh god.

Celestia is dressed horn to hoof in dominatrix gear.

You feel a scowl carve into your face as Celestia switches on your stereo and smiles.

-Music-

Celestia walks through the room, moving the paddles with her magic.

"Look at this stuff."

"Isn't it grand?"

"The kind of stuff that makes you unable to stand?"

"Wouldn't you think I'm the girl, the girl who'll try anything?"

"Look at this cache."

"All plated in gold."

Holy shit, some was gold.

"How many wonders can one dank hole hold?"

"Looking around here you think "Oh lord, she's got everything!"

"I've got handcuffs and restraints in piles. I've got straps made of leather and more."

Celestia shoves her face in your smiling. "You want saran wrap? I've got miles!"

wat.

"And if not? No big deal. I got moooooore~..."

Celestia trots out onto the balcony and stares at the moon.

"I wanna be done hanging upside down."

"I wanna see, wanna see them struggle'."

Nope.

"Perhaps even standing on those - by the stars... Oh~ - hands!"

She twirls a glass of wine in her grip. At least you know why she thought it was a good idea to do this now...

"Just like normal" is far too bland... Sight isn't required for foreplay, rutting."

She runs back inside to a locked chest.

"And if you want I've got a.. - Ah! here it is."

"Brand!"

She whips her hair back and forth as she prances around the bedroom. "You won't need to walk, but please try to run! You'll be spending all day with the sun!"

"Please come and see - I want you to be"

"Part of My World~."

She marches back out to the balcony and wigs more wine.

"It's just so boring, spending all day inside this castle. And in my long life, it makes sense for my interests to...change."

Celestia teleports back into the room and nuzzles against your scowling face.

"But as a man, you understand, that this is not mental sickness."

"Those proper mares, such boring squares. While I am so grand!"

Grand pain in your ass...

She looks around at all the tools in the room.

"And I'm ready to try what nopony tries!

"You may ask questions, but you won't get answers!"

"I have Solar fire and I make it - Dohohoh~...Burn!"

"It's always my turn! It's me who decides, decides that it's time to get done from all sides!"

Celestia hops on the bed and lays down seductively.

"Come lie with me..."

She twists around so she's on her back looking up at you.

"I want you to be..."

"Part of My world..."

You glare down at your wife. Not only were you not really in the mood right now, you also didn't want to get immolated.

You walk back to the grocery bag and pull out a cup of yogurt.

"Vanilla or Orange?"

Celestia sighs. "Should have known you'd be no fun...Orange."

You walk up to her with on the bed and open the snack.

"Mous, I never asked for Vanilla."

"I know."

You tilt the contents of the cup over onto her. As the milky white stream cascades down Celly's leather chaps, you meet it at the bottom and let it fall into your mouth.

Celestia moans as you trail your tongue up her side and get the rest.

You get back to your feet and walk to the other edge of the room.

"Now, if you wanted foreplay, we're gonna do something we'll both enjoy."

You place the orange yogurt on top of the dresser as you grab a paddle from the ceiling. The paddle spins between your fingers as you drop into a fighting stance.

"You want your snack? Come and get it."

Celestia grow a devious smile as her horn lights up. No one in the castle got any sleep that night.

Dickish Duets.

"This is an absolute fuck-terrible idea."

"Lighten up. You never take me out." Celestia says.

"Because your city has nothing to offer!"

"The greatest city in Equestria has nothing to offer?" she asks.

"Seemingly nothing better than a karaoke bar, if you're dragging me out at this hour."

"Oh, stop your pouting. You'll at least get to see him."

Celly had you there... You felt yourself get more excited as you came up on the bar. And there, standing outside it, was someone you hadn't seen in far too long. No words are said as the two of you break away from your spouses and hug it out in the middle of the street.

"Long time no see." he says.

"Too long, Anon."

You and Anon separate as your wives catch up with you.

"Well if it isn't the fastest flier in Equestria." you tease.

Rainbow hoofs you in the shoulder. "And if it isn't the crown prince."

You could tell Celly was behind you when Anon and Rainbow bowed their heads.

"Oh there is no need for that. We're all family here." Celestia says.

"Yeah, and she doesn't even have her +10 ego boosting crown on."

Thanks for including them Celly.

You throw your arm around Celly's neck and point to the bar. "Shall we?"

Dude, fuck karaoke.

You Lean over to Anon. "If I have to listen to "Every Rose Has it's Thorne" one more time, I'm getting the guards to arrest everyone in here."

"How did Poison even get here?" Anon asks.

"Bret Michaels is the fucking Devil..."

The night wore on and the drinks flowed. Anon sang his patented performance of Puttin' on the Ritz, Rainbow liked the way he twirled the mic stand between his fingers.

Celly did too. Quite vocally.

"No. You can't take him home with us."

Celly pouts. "But deeeeear!"

"No."

"More fingers!"

"Not with my bro."

Celly shoots her bottom lip out as Anon steps off the stage. "Mous, serenade me." she says.

"What?"

She turns back to you with a wicked smile. "Go up on that stage and serenade me with a song about how dear I am to you."

"Fuck off."

"I knew you couldn't do it."

Your glass almost cracks in your hand.

"What."

"I knew that you couldn't sing."

"We did a duet once!"

"And you never did a single thing solo!"

You and Celestia glare at each other in the middle of the bar.

Oh. It's on.

You cover your eyes as you make your way onto the stage.

"Right, okay. Your monarch has requested I sing for her."

Celly raises a glass at you from her seat.

You turn to the stereo and flip through the songs, smiling as you find an old favorite.

"And I think I have just the one for her."
-Music-

"Yeah yeah. If I didn't have you"

The guest settle in and Anon covers his face with his hand.

"If I didn't have you to hold me tight"

(If I didn't have you)

They even have the reverb!

"If I didn't have you to lie with at night"

(When I'm feeling blue)

This is fucking sweet.

"If I didn't have you to share my sights" (

Share my sights)

"And to kiss me and dry my tears when I cry..."

"Well I, really think that I would... Have somebody else."

The entire crowed giggles, even Celly.

(If I didn't have you)

"If I didn't have you, someone else would do"

"Your love is one in a million"

(One in a million)

"You couldn't buy it at any price"

(Can't buy love)

"But of the nine point nine-nine-nine hundred thousand other possible loves, Statistically some of them would be equally nice."

(Equally nice)

"Or maybe not as nice but say, smarter than you... Or... dumber but better at sport or... Tracing. I'm just saying."

(I really think that I would)

"Probably."

(Have somebody else)

"Yeah."

You do some sort of little leg dance thing, getting another laugh.

(If I didn't have you)

"If I didn't have you someone else would do"

(Someone else would surely do)

"If I were a rich man"

You spread your arms and wiggle your fingers.

"And did a diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddly"

"I guess I would be with a surgeon or a model or relly of the Riches or a fashion queen"

"Or a nymphomonical exhibitionist Wonderbolt with lots of free time."

"If I were a rich man maybe I would fiddle- Fiddle diddle diddle with the rich man girls."

"I'm not saying that I'd not love you if I was wealthy or handsome. but realistically there's lots of fish in the sea, and if I had a different rod I would conceivably land some."

"Even though I am fiscally consistently pitiable, and considerably less Brad Bit than Brad Bitiful, am I'm really so poor and ugly that you think only you could possibly love me?"

"And I-"

(Really think that I would)

"Probably,"

(Have somebody else)

"Yeah."

Another leg dance, another laugh.

(If I didn't have you)

"If I didn't have you, someone else would do."

(Someone else would surely do)

"Look, I'm not undervaluing what we've got when I say that given the role chaos inevitably plays in the inherently flawed notion of "fate", it's abstruse to deduce that I've found my soul mate at the age of twenty six."

"It's just mathematically unlikely that after a trip across the sky I happened to stumble on the one girl alive specifically designed for me."

"And if I may conjecture a further objection love is nothing to do with destined perfection "The connection is strengthened, the affection simply grows over time."

"Like a flower. Or a mushroom. Or a guinea pig. Or a vine. Or a sponge. Or bigotry."

Pause for effect

"...Or a banana!" (banana)

The crowed laughs a hearty laugh. Enjoy that one, Celly.

"Love is made more powerful by the ongoing drama of shared experience, and synergy of a kind of symbiotic empathy or... something...

More giggles

"So I trust it would go without saying that I would feel really very sad if tomorrow you were to fall off something high or catch something bad."

"But I'm just saying, I don't think you're special."

Shit, catch yourself.

"I mean... I think your special but, you fall within a bell curve."

You make a bell shape with your hands.

"I mean, I'm just saying I-"

(Think that I would)

"Probably,"

(Have somebody else)

Time to show em your chops.

"I think you are unique and beautiful. You make me happy just by being around."

(Being around)

"But objectively you would have to agree that baby when I found you, options were relatively thin on the ground."

(Thin on the ground)

"Your lovely but there must be girls as lovely as you, and maybe more open to painting or...fucking table tennis I'm just-"

(That I think that I would)

"Probably,"

(Have somebody else)

"I mean I reckon it's pretty likely that if for example, My first landlord on Earth hadn't dropped me after I set fire to his car and had to move in with Anon back before I came here. Then our variables would probably have been altered by the absence of that event, to have meant the advent of a tangential narrative and which we don't meet."

"Which is to say there exists a theoretical hypothetical parallel life, where what is is not as it is and I am not your husband and you are not my wife."

You point with your fingers and cross your arms for effect.

"And I am a stuntman living in LP, married to a small blonde pegasus skier, who when she's not training, does abstract painting, practices yoga, and brews her own beer, and really like making home movies, and suffers neck down alopecia!"

The crowd laughs as you make your creepiest smile.

"But with all my heart and all my mind I know one thing is true, I have just one life and just one love and love that love is you."

"And if it wasn't for you, Baby..."

(I really think that I would)

"Probably..."

(Have somebody else)

"Yeah..."

(If I didn't have you)

"If I didn't have you someone else would do."

(Someone else would surely do)

"Dooooooooooooo..."

The crowd applauds as you step off the stage, Celly meeting you halfway.

"Enjoy your balled?"

"Inspiring." she says with a smile. "So inspiring that I have decided to give it a try."

You chuckle. "This'll be good."

You head back to your seat as Celly trots onto the stage. You never noticed how casual she looked without her crown and jewels...She looks normal out here. Celly cycles through the songs on the stereo until a wicked smile parts her lips and she presses play.

She winks at you as she steps up to the mic.

-Music-

"Oh~."

"OooH~"

Oh god...

"No evolution, sometimes it depresses me. The same old same, we keep repeating history. The institution curses curiosity, It's our conviction."

"Sex is not the enemy."

Of course she'd sing this...

"A revolution. Is the solution."

"A revolution. Is the solution."

The crowd applauds in droves as Celly sells it like a champ

"I don't feel guilty, No matter what they're telling me. I won't feel dirty and buy into their misery."

She gives the entire club bedroom eyes.

"I won't be shamed cause I believe that love is free. It fuels the heart and sex is not my enemy."

"A revolution. Is the solution."

"A revolution. Is the solution."

Celly shakes her hair like a madmare as the guitar screeches.

"True love is like gold, there's not enough to go around."

They clearly hadn't seen Celly's toys...

"But then there's me and baby, I love everyone."

"Give me a choice, give me a chance to turn the key."

"And find my voice, Sex is not the enemy."

She picks up the mic with her magic and bobs her head along it as she sings.

"A revolution. Is the solution."

"A revolution. Is the solution."

"Sex is not the enemy."

Celly does as many provocative things with the mic stand as she can in time to the music.

Straddling it. Spinning around it. Everything.

"A revolution."

"Oh~."

The lights dim as the song ends and the crowd goes wild. Celly trots back to her seat and gives you a smug grin. "Enjoy the show?"

"They did. You either just ruined your reputation or became the most beloved Princess ever."

Celestia shrugs. "Sex sells, dear."

This was such a bad idea. But you were too drunk to care.

It had been a few hours since Celly's song.

Anon had done a few Stones tunes before he went back and drank until he almost passed out, and more stallions tried to impress their dates with love songs.

The entire time, Celly and you had been talking. At first you both thought it ridiculous, but as the booze flowed, you soon found yourself on stage.

"Right. Okay. I heard this back in Ponyville one year."

"My student sang it!" Celly shouts.

"Yeah. So, we're gonna do it duet style, yeah?"

The patrons who were still awake shouted and applauded as best they could. You grin at Celly as you sync up the tunes.

This was gonna be so great...

-Music-

You started. "Three days of broken bed frames from an insatiable wife."

"My husband has just given up, this has become his life." Celly sang.

"But daylight has started burning and she's tired of my hands..."

Celly nuzzles your face. "And even though I ask all day, he's still opposed to brands~."

Anon half laughs half cries in his seat.

Time for the ping pong.

"The time has come to clean our room!" Celly sings.

"And fix the broken things."

"Look for anything to replace."

"And buff out all the dings."

"Do you need help? I'm sure I can~..."

"Get your horn away from me!"

"I could just fix it with my magic."

"I'll break it off, you'll see!"

Somepony in the back shouts a resounding "YEAH!"

You both prepare for the duet portion

"Sex-Time clean up! Sex-Time clean up!

"Get it off the rug before it stains!"

"Sex-Time clean up! Sex-Time clean up!"

"Put away the whips and chains!"

Dammit, Celly!

"Put away the whips and chains!"

You're up.

"Picking up the scattered clothes, A husbands job begins."

And throwing back those damn curtains to let the sunshine in"

Celly grabs her mic with her magic.

"I fix the bed and I clean the window!"

She adjust her hair with her magic. "When my sun shines through, my warmth and beauty will grow~!"

Narcissist...

"Sex-Time clean up! Sex-Time clean up!

"Get it off the rug before it stains!"

"Sex-Time clean up! Sex-Time clean up!"

"Put away the whips and chains!"

"Sex-Time clean up! Sex-Time clean up!

"Get it off the rug before it stains!"

"Sex-Time clean up! Sex-Time clean up!"

"Put away the whips and chains!"

Celly takes the lead. "Royal guards fly to and fro and try to peek inside!"

"After all the time spent here, it's just no use to hide."

"I don't much mind it when they look, give them a little show!"

"I send a few of them inside to clean up all of the Jell-O!"

"Sex-Time clean up! Sex-Time clean up!

"Get it off the rug before it stains!"

"Sex-Time clean up! Sex-Time clean up!"

"Put away the whips and chains!"

"Sex-Time clean up! Sex-Time clean up!

"Put away the whips and chains!"

"Put away the whips and chains!"

You steal the mic. "No easy task to wash the sheets! Get out all the seed. I told Celly this would happen... but she did not heed."

Celly steals it back. "Front ways, back ways, from the top! From the bottom too! Just when he catches his breath again, I come up with something new!"

Damn straight...

"Sex-Time clean up! Sex-Time clean up!

"Get it off the rug before it stains!"

"Sex-Time clean up! Sex-Time clean up!"

"Put away the whips and chains!"

"Sex-Time clean up! Sex-Time clean up!

"Put away the whips and chains!"

"Put away the whips and chains!"

Most of the crowd is laughing, but some look uncomfortable. You grab the mic to smooth things over a bit.

"Now that you know what we both do. How we spend our day. I know you think us both insane and you doubt our way."

"Don't worry about us, and our verbal melee. Let me tell you all now; This is just foreplay, This is just foreplay!"

"Sex-Time clean up! Sex-Time clean up!

"Get it off the rug before it stains!"

"Sex-Time clean up! Sex-Time clean up!"

"Put away the whips and chains!"

"Sex-Time clean up! Sex-Time clean up!

"Put away the whips and chains!"

"Put away the whips and chains!"

"Put away the whips and chains!"

"Put away the whips and chains!"

Put away the whips and chains!"

The four of you stumble out of the bar a little after midnight, laughing the entire way. Your duet killed it, sending the bar into drinking overload.

"Where'reyou stayin?" you ask.

Anon rubs his face. "Same hotel's last time we were here..."

Pfffffffffft!

"Naw, fuck that. You're gonn' stay with us in the castle. Celly! They stayin' with us!"

Your wife stumbles behind you. She was never one for the hard stuff.

As you walk back home, she nuzzles your face. "D'you mean that love stuff in your song, baby?"

"Couldn't fit "Pain in my ass" in the lyrics."

Celly lets out a long held laugh before she devolves into gigglesnort fits. "Heh...YOU'S an ass..."

"The fun kind, though."

"The singing kind! Look errypony! A singing ass!"

You extend a finger at her. "You're da-runk."

"M' buzzed."

"Buzzed gotta go ta' bed."

Celly slaps her head into your shoulder. "C'n we do "Sex-Time clean up"?"

"Mebbe tomorrow."

"Promise?"

"Drunk promise. Might not remember."

Celly is silent for a while. "...Kay."

You practically collapse on your bed once you get back to the room, Celly crawling onto her side soon after.

"I had fun tonight..." Celly says.

"I might've had fun, F' I have a hangover tomorrow will decide."

Celly is quiet for a minute. "R'you drunk enuff not t' member stuff?"

You wave you hand in front of your face and wait a few seconds for the afterimage to go away. "Eeeeyup. Why? S'this when you tell me yur preggers 'gain?"

Celly releases a long loud laugh. "Lobe you..."

"You wot?"

Celly raises her head from her pillow. "Lobe...lurve...loburve..." she shakes her head. "Can't say it right!" her head falls back onto her pillow and she smiles at you. "But I really like bein' married t' you."

Someone was plastered.

"Eh?"

Celly laughs again. "Yur a jerk and yur rude and funny and that's so much more fun than errything that used to happen here! 'Nd I really really like it when we spend the day together." Celly looks at you with big magenta eyes. "So I lobe you."

Your eyes are locked together for a long time.

"You should go t' sleepy, Celly." you say.

She gives you a kiss on the cheek and covers you with her giant-ass wing. "Okay Hon..." she coos as she drifts off into drunk-sleep.

"...Night Babe."

B Side.

You skip along the Canterlot streets, happy as could be. It was barely after ten, but you had already made your day. Today had been the culmination of weeks of planning and pranking Celestia.

You had been hiding them all over the city. Along the walls. In the shops. Over roofs and under bridges. Even got a few on the top of the castle.

Dildos.

Hundreds upon hundreds of dildos, spread all over Canterlot where Celestia would see.

She had, to your shock and surprise, actually gotten rid of most of her prosthetics when the two of you got married.

Most.

Six boxes of plastic dongs and a couple late night snooping sessions had lead to one of your greatest pranks ever and it all got capped off this morning at breakfast when Celly found a plastic cock baked into her bread. The look on her face was priceless, you couldn't tell if she wanted to just eat around it or swallow the whole thing. She had stormed off after you started laughing and left her breakfast sitting there, apparently locking herself in the Magi tower.

You glanced over at said tower, it was lit up like a Christmas tree like it always was. Except this time, the antenna on top was glowing like no tomorrow, gathering up magical energy.

That...wasn't supposed to happen...

A pink crack of lightning strikes the tip of the tower and sends a wave of magic over the city. You raise your arms over your face as the wave tosses you back. Voices around you cry out in shock asking "what happened?" over and over. Your entire body stings as you push yourself up off the ground... and...

You look down and see them, your mind not believe it.

"WHY DO I HAVE TITS!?"
-Theme song-

You storm through the palace. "WHERE IS HE? WHERE IS HE!?"

You were a feral tiger on the hunt, and you knew just the kind of blood you wanted. You reach out and grab a royal guard by the scruff of her armor. "WHERE IS MY HUSBAND?"

She timidly points a hoof down the hall, towards your room. You toss her away and go kick the door open, he's standing there with that shit eating grin of his.

"SOLARIIIIIIIIIIS!"

He turns and flashes a smile to you. "Hello darling! How are yo-"

You grab his face and shut him up "I'M GOING TO KILL AND EAT YOU."

His smile twists into a smarmy grin. "In what order~?"

You grab his horn and tilt his head down so you can look into his eyes. "Fix. This."

He chuckles. "I don't know if I can."

What.

WHAT.

"WHAAAAAAT?!"

"Who is shouting in here!?" A navy alicorn behind you yelled.

"SHUT UP ORION!"

You turn back to your husband. "What do you mean you "don't know if you can"?"

Solly smiles. "Just that dear, the spell seemed to...misfire. I can't say this gender swapping effect was what I had in mind."

That might explain why even your thoughts were flipped. Wait.

"What WAS the effect you wanted?"

Solly smiles. "Irritable bowel syndrome dear, honest."

Brilliant...

You, Solaris and Orion were all crammed into a carriage heading towards Ponyville. You sat with your arms crossed as the sky outside whiz by.

Solaris spent the entire time staring at your chest.

"Fuck off."

"Whatever do you mean, dear?"

"I mean I said I wasn't taking my tits out when we were at the castle and I'm not taking them out here."

He nuzzles against your cheek. "Oh but darling...this is a once in a lifetime opportunity! Aren't you the least bit...curious~?" He says.

No. No you were not.

"Solly...your brother is RIGHT THERE."

Orion sat in his seat on the far side of carriage, red faced as can be. "This...is what I get for seeing Pippy, isn't it?"

"Shut up Orion."

He leans back in and begins trying to nibble at your ear. "See? He has no right to complain with the things he does..."

The world was not prepared for your spouse with testosterone flooding his brain. But there was one thing that it was less prepared for.

You. PMS'ing.

Your hand shoots up and snatches Solaris' tongue from his mouth "Solly, if you utter another word about us having sex in this carriage, I'm going to rip this out."

"'Ut iss 'ould 'e a o'y 'ime 'e 'ath 'oo 'y i'!"

"I don't care if this is the only time we have to try this! I am not letting you fuck me after you turned me into a boiling tub of estrogen!"

Solaris yanks his tongue back into his mouth and pouts in the seat next to you. "You're fine with sleeping with me when you're a man but the second I turn you into a woman it's "Keep that thing away from me!"."

"...Yeah, that's how normal couples work."

The carriage is silent...

"...Pippy and I don't work like that."

"SHUT UP ORION."

You open the door to the Ponyville Library.

"Dusk! You better be able to fix this crap!"

Dusk Shine trots down the stairs from his second floor, Stiletto the dragon on his back.

"You guys too, huh?"

"I'm afraid so, my faithful student..." Solaris says.

You could care less that Solaris didn't want to tell Dusk he did this, whatever, he'll get his later. You just wanted your balls back.

"That Mo'?" a voice from the basement asks.

Awww...her too?

"Hey Ann." you say as your sis climbs out of the basement.

The two of you embrace in the library "How's Blitz taking it?"

"Amazed at his new appendage, how bout you two?"

You glance at your husband and narrow your eyes "We're dealing..."

Solaris clears his throat. "Yes, well, why don't we get started trying to solve this dilemma?" he says.

He turns to Dusk and Ann. "I believe the spell was a transmogrification wave sent across the Angel spectrum."

"How could this get on the Angel spectrum!? The power requirements would be enormous!"

"But if it -IS- on the Angel Spectrum..."

"...Then the Princes' using their magic on a Riselem Ankh hooked up to a transmitter should reverse the effects!"

They were talking a different language when they were like this.

You couldn't even tell who said what.

Dusk walks over to a shelf. "I have a Riselem Ankh in here somewhere, we can just hook it up to a dish and be set to go!"

He levitates the box out and dumps the contents on the floor. You imagine he immediately regrets it based on what falls out and the shade of crimson his cheeks take.

"Now I KNOW the maids at the castle don't have fishnets as part of their outfits..."

"They will starting next week~..."

An hour or two later you were back at the palace. And your balls were back in their rightful spot. Celly had been disappointed when her own pair winked away, but at least it stopped her from giving you that lusty stare. The three of you had said your goodbyes and made way back to Canterlot. As part one of your revenge, you had let slip that it was Celly who flipped everyone, Luna was in the process of nagging your ears off about it.

"-and I have NEVER seen such a blatant disregard for ones duties in all my years! Honestly Sister, swapping the genders of the ENTIRE NATION? OVER PETTY REVENGE?!"

A glance at Celly's face told you that she was just as tired of this as you were. The two of you walked into your room as Luna ranted in the hallway.

"Why, if this were the days of Olde Equestria, we would take you out an-"

She gets cut off as you slam the door.

"THANK you..." Celestia said as she walked to her beauty desk. "Another minute of that and I'd have to send her to the moon again..."

"You deserve it."

"Oh come now dear, I told you that it was unintended! I only wanted to give you the runs!"

"Oh well in THAT case..."

Celly pouts at the desk. "Wasn't even willing to experiment with the time we had..."

"Oh fuck off, you're lucky I don't divorce you."

"Ha! As if anypony else would put up with you!"

The room is silent for a moment.

"You know..."

Celly turns to you.

"I'm not opposed to it..."experimentation"...

Her gaze turns sultry as she gets to her feet and trots to the other side of the bed from you. "Oh~? What kind?..."

"Hehe...let me show you..."

You reach under the bed and grab It. You plop it down on the bed and grab the rip cord as Celly's eyes grow wide and she realizes what it is you're holding.

"Mous! Don't you-"

You pull the chord.

"DILDO BOMB!"

Cuckolds.

You and Celly sat on the beach together. In the sun. At high noon. In SUMMER.

"If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred billion times, I HATE THE SUN." you say.

Celly turns your way and pouts. "How can you be so cruel, dear?"

"Eat shit, you know what I mean."

Celly tuts and goes back to watching the ocean. "Well I absolutely ADORE it here! This place never fails to make me feel like a million bits!" she says as she stretches her wings out and lays down.

You sit and stew for a bit. "I can literally FEEL my skin burning."

You were going to be so peely...

"Dear, you bed the sun goddess of an entire planet, you should be used to a bit of sunburn~."

"You can control yourself, tell your stellar body to leave me the hell alone."

Celly rolls over onto her back. "Sorry dear! If I give you special treatment, then everyone will be expecting it!"

You get off the towel next to her and brush yourself off. "I put up with you, I deserve it. I'm hitting the ice cream dude, you want anything?"

"Banana please, dear." she says.

You wordlessly leave and make your way in the direction of the ice cream dude. At least this was some fancy couples retreat private beach thing, NOTHING sucked worse than beach crowds.

You find the ice cream stand.

"Vanilla and a banana, please."

The pony inside turns to and his eyes grow wide at the sight. Come on, you've been here ages by now and you were a fairly public figure.

"Ah, hello sir. I've been expecting you." he says.

"Does word of my sweet tooth travel that far?"

He flashes a toothy grin. "No, but we've been watching you for months."

Something pricks you on the back of your neck and you pass out.
-Theme Song-

You woke up in some green goo.

OH GOD SHE GOT THE JELL-O OUT AGAIN!

You silently scream inside your goo-prison and learn that you are not, in fact, in Jell-o. Jell-o didn't taste like piss and eggs.

You reach your hand out and brush up against a soft barrier. You apply some pressure and are able to poke a hole. The hole widens as you force your hand through it until you are spilling out onto the ground below.

You spat the foul tasting liquid out. "HELP! HELP! I'VE BEEN SLIMED!"

You wipe the goo of your eyes and get top your feet, only to find someone standing eye to eye with you. She was about Celly's height, with some SERIOUS hair grease problems and black chitinous skin. Along with green eyes that were staring VERY intently at you.

"I'VE BEEN SLIMED BY THE BLACK SLUTTY QUEEN OF THE COCKROACHES!"

"Chrysalis" as you knew her from the royal wedding huffs. "I see the crown Prince's tongue is as sharp as always."

"Not as sharp as yours is, snake-y."

You brush the last of the slime off you and compose yourself.

"Any reason you kidnapped me? I thought I left you gob smacked the last time we tangoed."

Those green eyes gain a spark of mischief. "I have been watching all those who were responsible for throwing me out of Canterlot for some time now."

Meaning Luna was perfectly safe.

"I must say you...interested me at the wedding, your highness. And seeing you and Princess Celestia together has made me yearn for a partner that I don't devour after copulating."

Okay...gross.

"I see how you and the Princess treat each other, your highness. I assure you I can make your life much more...pleasurable~" she says with a flit of her forked tongue.

She eats emotions and still gets it wrong. She also radiates fucking horny waves at all times, it seems. Time with Celly has prepared you well.

"A-huh...and how much of this is over sex?"

You swear you see fucking red come over those black cheeks of hers. "Hmmhmm~...I will admit that your reputation for..."noise" with Celestia was what drew me to you in the first place~."

First a sun goddess beds you and now a bug-queen is trying to.

Your scowl cannot grow any deeper.

Nope. You were wrong. It can totally go deeper. It can go deeper when this fucking bug queen decided to show her "Changeling King" around her hive.

This hellhole was terrible, you actually started to miss the sun. All you had was the glow of emerald crystals hanging all over the place. It had been like this for HOURS now.

"And here we have our spawning pools, these Changelings are in the final stages of incubation." Chrysalis says.

You look down at the bubbling green concoction as its glow filled the room.

"It smells like rancid shit."

Chrysalis glowers at you. "These pools represent the future of the entire hive, as the new King, you may wish to show your future subjects more respect!"

Another Changeling flies up and begins talking to Chrysalis, leave you alone to ponder.

You look down into the bubbling pools. You can see as little microbes swim about and collect in certain spots, forming the rudimentary shape of a Changeling. More drones flew in from further down the caverns and dumped more slime inside. You could make out a few pieces of food inside the goo, food which was immediately broken down by the little buggers inside.

Guess they need nutrients.

Hmm...Maybe you ought to give them some...

You look both ways and unzip your pants. The cavern is filled with the sound of water on water. Chrysalis' face goes to abstract horror as she turns her head.

"Your tour goes too long. I've been holding it."

You now sat at the Changeling version of "dinner". Meaning you were expected to eat a rat that had been scorched black and sit at a table that looks like it has been made of solidified spit. Changelings ate love, so you guess that means they didn't know how to cook a fucking meal.

Finally a chef worse than Celly.

You sat next to Chrysalis alone as you poked around your cooked crap.

"Are you not hungry, my king?" she asks.

"No. It's just a fucking rat who was cooked to carbonization."

You flick it off the table with your crappy fork.

"Come on, I get that none of you can taste real people food, but can you at LEAST kidnap someone who can?"

Chrysalis scowls again.

"Seriously, the fucking wedding food was better than this!"

You sweep the plate off the table.

"Do you not remember? You had to TASTE all of it."

The Royal Wedding happened a few months before you and Celly tied the knot. Chrys has broken in and tried to take over Canterlot, it was only through Anon and the girls getting the Elements that they didn't.

Chrysalis had put Celly in some cocoon way up high before the two of you spent the entire time before Anon got the Elements arguing.

It was like you were some magnet for bitchy immortal monarchs.

"Your time here will go much easier if you COOPORATE, Prince..." Chrysalis growls as she jams her face in yours.

Here's your fucking cooperation.

You reach your hands under the table and flip it, sending what was left of the shit-tacular meal into the air and crashing down onto the ground.

Chrysalis glowers at you as the Changeling guards rushed in and found the "dinner" thrown on the floor.

"I sneezed."

Some time later you were laying on a "bed" that Chrysalis had prepared for you both. All in all, it was a fairly decent recreation of the bed back home. Changelings don't seem to have any creative spark at all, it seemed.

Chrysalis came into the room and took one look at your grumpy exterior. "Were you this indignant when Celestia brought you into HER bed?"

"Yes."

Chrysalis grins. "Well then, I should have good odds."

She hops up on the bed and scoots over to you, purring as she rests a head on your shoulder.

"You're coming on awful strong for a woman who's not getting any."

Chrysalis rolls her eyes. "I don't see any ring on your hand."

The deepest scowl you've had in a while exploded onto your face. You didn't like talking about your wedding ring.

You mumble something.

Chrysalis brings her face closer. "What? What did you just say?"

"I said "That's because it's not a ring that goes on my finger..."

Chrys-a-swiss brings her face back, her eyes shifting between yours and your pants.

"Yeah."

All is silent for the briefest of moments. Then Chrysalis starts laughing.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHA! TO THINK THAT THE CROWN PRINCE SO TOUTED FOR HIS INDEPENDANCE IS FORCED TO WEAR A COCK-RING AS A WEDDING BAND!"

"AT LEAST I'M NOT SOME MUTANT WHO GOT BEATEN BY THE POWER OF LOVE!"

She wipes a tear from her eye. "W-wait until the people of Canterlot hear this!"

Dammit!

You raise your fist up and slam it down on the bed. "SHUT UP!"

You strike Chrysalis on her leg.

"OH~!"

wat.

Chrysalis shakes her head a bit. "Careful! Those holes are very sensitive!"

...She didn't just-She did.

She'll regret that?

"Oh re-he-he-heally~?"

You reach a hand down and start to circle a finger around one of the wider holes.

"No! Mous! don-!" The rest gets muffled as Chrysalis bites her bottom lip.

You slide off the bed as you massage her hole and grab a rock from the window.

"You know, you really shouldn't tell people your erogenous zones."

You pop the rock into the hole rather snuggly, sending Chrysalis into spazzing fits as she brushed up against its smooth surface.

"They're only going to use it against you."

You grab something else, a glowing crystal this time, and popped it into another hole. Chrysalis bucked and shook as you went around the room and placed as many objects as you could find in her cheese-legs.

In time, they were all filled.

"How you hangin' there, Chrys?"

A small "Mmmf!" came from her lips as she tried to stay very, VERY still.

Satisfied that you weren't getting molested tonight from someone who couldn't concentrate long enough to use her magic, you settled in on the floor, finding it surprisingly comfortable.

"Goodnight Chryssy~"

"Mmmmmmff!"

The next day you were stuck next to Chrysalis as she made some retarded speech in front of the spawning pools. "Soon, my minions! Soon we will catalyze this new breed of drones to bolster our ranks!"

She had been going on like this for hours now.

Apparently new Changelings were brought to the cusp of their development before something was fed into all the pools. That something was the catalyst that imprinted something on all the drones.

If they needed more fighters, it was a corpse. More workers, a rock. More scouts, an eye. Almost anything could be put into the pools and imprinted on a new batch of Changelings.

"Great. You made your speech. Can we go now?"

Chrysalis glares, none too happy about not being able to move at night. "We will be staying until the ceremony is complete, child."

Oh yeah, she was pissed.

Just needed one more...

Chrysalis starts talking again as you snuck off.

"And this! Our largest batch of Changelings ever! In time we will have the forces to march on Equestria once again!"

The amassed Changelings cheer.

"In your lifetimes, WE WILL TAKE CANTERLOT!"

They cheer again, louder this time.

"And I will throw Princess Celestia from her throne myse-"

Chrysalis is interrupted by a loud "plop!" from behind her.

All the Changelings present turn to look to you, bare assed and hovering over the prime spawning pool.

"...What? This is what you get for having a long-ass fuckin' rally."

You were back in Canterlot now, a pair of Changelings dropping you unceremoniously on Celestia's balcony.

"Yeah, well fuck you too!" you shout as they fly away.

You rub your sore butt, walk into your nice comfortable room again and collapse on the bed. Celly just so happened to pick that exact moment to walk in through the door eating a banana.

"Dear?"

"Hey. Nice of you to send a rescue party." you say through the pillow on your face.

"Rescue party?" she asks arching an eyebrow.

"Yeah you bitch, I got kidnapped by fucking Changelings and was almost forced to be their goddamn king."

Celly slowly nods. "Ah yes...you never came back from ice cream..."

"And YOU never noticed I was gone, brilliant."

Celly walks around and sits down on the edge of the bed.

"...So, enjoy the vacation?"

A grin parted your wife's lips. "Did you know that they film Marewatch there?"

You roll your eyes. "Gross, now there's literally sand in your vagina."

She leans back and falls next to you. "You know I only get pleasure from you, dear~."

You sigh and reach an arm out to scratch her behind the ears, eliciting a small purr from her. "How did you get back here?" she coos.

"They kicked me out."

"Oh?"

"Did you know that Changelings are made from a base genetic code? And that pooping in the pool that has that is bad?"

Celly chuckles. "You didn't..."

"Ruined the whole batch...Chryssy probably wanted to kill me but she just kept screaming "OUT OUT OUT!" in that flanged voice of hers."

Celly rolls over and threw a hoof across you. "So you escaped your kidnappers by simply being annoying."

"Pretty much."

"Well, it's good to see that our hostage plan works."

"Just as planned, Celly."

Anti-Love Songs.

-Theme Song-

You sat in the banquet hall in Canterlot as the party surged around you. Today was the longest day of the year, as well as the Summer Sun Celebration. Celly had done her thing with the sun and the party had gone on all day. Now you sat with more or less your closest friends and family taking it all in. Anon and Rainbow were over talking to Luna. By some miracle, Celly had gotten her parents to attend this year. By an even GREATER miracle, they both seemed to be enjoying themselves. Both Queen Galaxia and King Cosmos were laughing and drinking and talking to other ponies.

That may be a reason for it, the booze.

You were liquored up and happy after a long day, most everyone here was.

Including your buzzed wife next to you.

"Heheeeehehe...never knew daddy to be a dancer." she giggled.

"Never knew your dad to be anything fun."

You turn to her. "Does booze just fuck up EVERYONE in your family or only the weirdoes?"

Celly lets out a sharp laugh. "And who in my family is a "weirdo"?"

"Everyone who isn't your mother."

She shakes her head. "Asshole."

"Bitch."

"Dick."

"Cunt."

"Idiot."

"Slut."

"Happy anniversary."

"Cockho-what?"

A bit of red shone through her cheeks, you were hoping it was from the drink.

"Today was the day when you lost bet, remember? This time then you and I were married." she slurs out.

You lean back in your chair as you remember through the buzz. "Well...shit."

"Mhmmm~." Celly coos.

And here you were without a gift. That would not do.

You peel yourself off your chair and head out to the floor, smacking the jukebox onto a new tune along the way.

The floor clears a bit as the song starts.

-Music-

You bob your whole body to the tune and your own buzz.

"I hope that our few remaining friends give up on trying to save us. I hope we come out with a fail-safe plot to piss off the dumb few that forgave us"

You spread your arms and sing to the sky.

"I hope the fences we mended fall down beneath their own weight and I hope we hang on past the last exit I hope it's already too late."

You take a few steps to the door and point out it. "And I hope the book store a few blocks from here someday burns down!"

"And I hope the rising black smoke carries me far away and I never come back to this town again."

You walk around the floor looking at the guests. "In my life...I hope I lie."

You point a finger at Celly. "And tell everyone you were a good wife and I hope you die!"

You gesture at yourself. "I hope we both die."

You dance around the floor as the music flows.

Your spinning dance comes to a stop as the song continues. You decide to go back to your swaying motion.

"I hope I cut myself shaving tomorrow I hope it bleeds all day long."

You raise a finger. "Our friends say it's darkest before the sun rises."

You wag it. "We're pretty sure they're all wrong!"

You point to Luna with a stein in her hand. "I hope it stays dark forever! I hope the worst isn't over!"

You turn away from Luna as she grimaces and back to Celly. "And I hope you blink before I do and I hope I never get sober!"

You jump up on the table. "And I hope when you think of me years down the line, you can't find one good thing to say! And I'd hope that if I found the strength to walk out you'd stay the hell out of my way!"

You spin across the table. "I am drowning there is no sign of land."

You grab Celly's hoof. "You are coming down with me hand in unlovable hand!"

"And I hope you die!"

"I hope we both die!"

You do a jig to the drunken clapping of the room. As the song winds down, you jump off the table back into your seat.

A few hours pass and more drink flows. You and Celly have devoured two courses of food and shown the ballroom that you are the rulers of both the Kingdom and the dance floor. Galaxia and Cosmos had said they were planning to go, but a quick "last round" and a song got them to stay.

You were currently sitting feet propped up between a passed out Twilight and a lounging Celly.

"*Urp!* Happy Anniversary, Celly."

"Haaaaaah. And I get a song about how you hope I die for a gift."

"Just like your birthday, right?"

"Guess it's a better gift than when you covered yourself in chocolate..."

She leans over and nibbles on your ear a bit. "But not by much~."

In your drunken state you can only summon up the energy to wave her away with your hand.

"So you gonna sing r' what?"

Celly cocks an eyebrow.

You elbow her. "C'moooon! It's my anniversary too!"

Celly smiles and rolls her eyes before she rises from her seat. "I may have an idea..." she says as she walks to the dance floor.

-Music-

Celly plays a jaunty tune on the nearby piano with her magic. The guests are used to this from you two now, quickly clearing an area. You knit your fingers and place them behind your head as you sit back and enjoy the soon to be show.

"I ache for the touch of your lips, dear."

"But much more for the touch of your whips, dear~."

She tosses you a wink. "You can raise welts. Like nobody else."

"As we dance to the masochism tango." She dances along on shaky legs as she sings.

"Let our love be a flame, not an ember! Say it's me that you want to dismember!"

"Blacken my eye! Make my marehood all dry! As we dance to the masochism tango!"

She prances up to your table as you had done to her.

"At my command!"

"Before you here I stand!"

You know this part, you grab a handful of food in preparation.

"My heart is in your hand... ecch!

She bats the food out of your hand. "It's here that I must be."

"My heart entreats!"

"Just hear those savage beats."

"And go put on your cleats."

She flutters her eyelids. "And come and trample me~."

"Your heart is hard as stone or mahogany. That's why I'm in such exquisite agony~."

She gyrates her ass as she sings. "My soul is on fire it's aflame with desire!"

"Which is why I perspire when we tango..."

"You caught my nose in your left castanet, love."

"I can feel the pain yet, love."

"Ev'ry time I hear drums."

"And I envy the rose that you held in your teeth, love."

"With the thorns underneath, love. Sticking into your gums."

She swings her face directly in front of you. "Your eyes cast a spell that bewitches."

"The last time I needed twenty stitches."

"To sew up the gash that you made with your lash."

"As we danced to the masochism tango."

She twirls around in her drunken state.

"Bash in my brain."

"And make me scream with pain."

"Then kick me once again and say we'll never part."

"I know too well."

"I'm underneath your spell, so, darling, if you smell something burning, it's my heart."

"Excuse me!"

"Take your cigarette from its holder, and burn your initials in my shoulder."

She rolls her shoulders at you. "Fracture my spine, and swear that you're mine, as we dance to the masochism tango."

The room falls into steady applause as the song ends and Celly trots back to her seat. You can smell the smarminess of her grin as she sat down

"How was I?" she asks.

You smirk. "Terrible."

It was late now, the banquet hall was deserted save for the members of your royal family. And all of them were drunk and passed out. Save you and Celly, who was currently helping you do a keg stand.

"Go! Go! Go! Go!" she eggs.

As you down the last of the brew, you tear your mouth away.

"*Cough cough* Enough! Let me down!"

Celly laughs and releases you from her magical grasp.

You wipe your mouth and look around the room. You and Celly were the only ones still on your feet.

"Huh..."

"It...seems we can handle our alcohol better than most..."

...

"...POWER COUPLE HIGH FIVE!" you shout.

"HOOAH!"

You and Celly slap hoof against palm.

"Hehehehehehehe...lightweights.

"It seems our lifestyle has finally given us some positives."

"Apart from your horn-rot tests."

Celly snickers at you joke.

"Guess we better clean these guys up..."

"Guess so..." Celly says with a smile.

-Music-

You kick the jukebox and start the swan song of the evening. You and Celly walk away from the keg on either side of the room and go to pick someone up off the tables.

Celly lifts a passed out Shining Armor off his back and into a seat. "You're a slob, It's such a bore, your underwear strewn on the floor."

You haul Anon up first and foremost. "And you're a nympho, most extreme, it's how you founded your regime!"

"The toilet's broke, and yet I bet, "His Majesty" ain't fixed it yet!"

You situate Rainbow. "You're one to talk, sleepyhead, and get your fat ass out of bed!"

You both continued to help the guests. "Oh but in the eyes of God, we said our vows before the pews. "not until death may we part".

You toss an ass slap back her way. "So until then I'm stuck with you."

Damn...Bluebro was heavy...

"You swore that you'd be good to me, but gave me immaturity."

"Why should I give a tinker's cuss? You're just as bad, babe, what's the fuss?

Celly was very careful moving her parents, can't wake Daddy. "Well then, let's propose a truce. What's good for gander is good for goose."

"Hey now that's different, you tried to bed, my little bro and she he wed!

Your family taken care of you both strut towards the center of the room again "Oh but in the eyes of God, we said our vows before the pews. "not until death may we part". So until then I'm stuck with you."

"Oh but in the eyes of God, we said our vows before the pews. "not until death may we part".

Celly looks you over once with a face of disappointment but a fire in her eyes. "This is my curse, I said "I do." Better or worse I'm stuck with you." Celly says with a roll of her eyes.

You both circle each other in the style of some dance they taught you ages back.

"You poked my eye, I wore a patch. I should have given you one to match."

You spread your arms. "Did you forget you got me back? You tried to pierce both of my sacks!"

"You plucked my feathers one by one. You looked like you were having fun."

"You took advantage of my hands, and tried to use on me your brands!"

You continue to circle one another, singing to an empty room save each other. "Oh but in the eyes of God, we said our vows before the pews. "not until death may we part". So until then I'm stuck with you."

"Oh but in the eyes of God, we said our vows before the pews. "not until death may we part".

You both snap close together and you run a finger through Celly's hair.

"This is my curse, I said "I do." Lest you die first I'm stuck with you."

With her magic, Celly turns down all the lights in the room save the one directly overhead the two of you, leaving a single lit area.

Celly is inches away from you now, the booze in you making you no longer care about it. "And as I live out my long life, I remember I'm your wife. And as I great each day anew, I'm just glad that it's with you."

You gently cup her face. "And as I sit here for all of time, I'm just glad I can call you mine. And even though you make me groan, I'm just glad I won't be alone."

"Oh but in the eyes of God, we said our vows before the pews. "not until death may we part". So until then I'm stuck with you."

"Oh but in the eyes of God, we said our vows before the pews. "not until death may we part". So until then I'm stuck with you."

"Oh but in the eyes of God, we said our vows before the pews. "not until death may we part".

Celly nuzzles your hand a bit. "I'm not sad I said, "I do."

"I'm just glad I was stuck with you." you both say.

You pull her in for the most tender part of your drunken make outs tonight as the song winds down. Once it's finished, the jukebox switches off, leaving you and Celly standing alone together in the single circle of light.

Nothing is said for a while as the two of you let the moment sink in. Eventually, you open your eyes and she hers.

"Know what I'm thinking?" you ask.

"That there's no way they'd wake up~?"

"And who needs beds?"

You kiss Celly on her nose as she drags the two of you down onto the dance floor.

RadioAnon/FM crossover.

A collaboration myself and another AiE writer, TheScooter did of our two respective stories, RadioAnon and Flanking Maneuvers. Find all of Scooter's wonderful works here

The music fades out

"Hello hello hello and good afternoon! Welcome to First Call with Anon and The Punch! As always I am one half of the show Anon and joining me of course is the wonderful Berry Punch. Today's show is QUITE special, why don't you tell our listeners Berry?" you say.

Your partner Berry's bouncing in her seat, grinning like a mad mare, "Today in studio we have two VERY special guests, the first family of Equestria, Princess Celestia and her husband Mous! Would you be so kind as to say hello to our followers in radio land?"

"How d'you do I see you've met my-OW!" Mous starts before Princess Celestia smacked him upside the head. "You bitch...Yeah, hi, I'm Mous and...I'm in a very small room right now." He says rubbing his head.

"And I am Princess Celestia, a pleasure to be here, Anon." The Sun Goddess says daintily.

Berry giggles and Anon winks before laying it on, "The pleasure is mine and I must say for all of our listeners in radio land, you can't see her, but the princess is looking VERY well today."

Berry rolls her eyes, "Do you have to hit on EVERY female we have in studio?"

"I don't hit on you"

Celestia titters. "Oh, I don't mind a bit of...amorous conversation from time to time!...But I am afraid that my more "active" days are behind me now. I am a married mare.

Mous speaks up. "Meaning she's afraid what I'd do to get her back once we got home."

Berry perks up, "Interesting that you mention that sir! It's WELL known that you and our Princess have an... Uh... Unorthodox approach with each other. For example, I recall hearing a story about a Griffin ambassador and the term 'pressed ham' mentioned... Whatever that means."

Anon nods, "Yeah, basically, what's the deal with the 'love hate' thing you two?"

Mous leans back in his chair and smiles. "We're the one the other loves to hate."

"Ooooookay," Berry warily says with a quirked eyebrow. "But you two DO love each other right? I mean you're married."

"Frequently. Unfortunately." he says.

Celestia bumps into him with her flank. "Oh hush. To answer your question, Berry, of course my husband and I love each other. We would not be married if we didn't."

Mous mumbles something about "Hay sausage", but it doesn't get picked up by the mics.

"Well that's fantastic Princess," Anon says with a smile. "Really heart-warming to hear... On to a touchy subject if you don't mind. How old are you?"

Berry smacks Anon out of woman instinct.

"One thousand two hundred and eighty, but she lies and just says she's an even thousand." Mous says.

Celestia glares down at her husband as he rests his elbows on the table.

"What?" he asks.

"Always trust a fellow bro with the truth!" Anon exclaims, putting his hand up for a high five.

Berry rolls her eyes and groans in annoyance.

Mous meets Anon's hand in a high-five. "The truth shall set us free." he says.

Berry face hoofs, "I am SO sorry Pri-"

"Now now my charmingly chubby chum, this is leading somewhere." Anon narrowly avoids another angry hoof. "OK! SO... Might I say, you don't look a DAY over 628. But, I also expect you to live A LOT longer. Is... Is Mous going to age regular? Maybe another 40 or 50 years left?"

Mous sighs and leans back against his chair with a far off look in his eye. "I don't age anymore. Whatever brought me here stopped that."

Celestia was quick to step in. "A fact that we are both happy for, right dear?"

Mous shrugs in response. "Eh."

Berry and Anon look at each other briefly before Berry chimes back in, "That's actually very storybook and kind of sweet. Almost like you two are meant for each other."

"Only because we're the only ones who put up with the other's shit." Mous says.

Anon pauses on the station delay, "You know, studio rules forbid swearing, but just for today, you two got our backs?"

Berry shouts, "Shit yeah! They going to argue with the royal family? Doubt it. What do you say?"

Mous arches an eyebrow. "The mics on now?"

Berry and Anon share glances again, "Uh yeah, we've been on for quite a while now."

Mous leans into the mic. "Shit piss fuck cunt cocksucker motherfucker tits fart turd twat prick."

Berry falls out of her seat laughing, pulling her headset out of the console.

Anon removes his hand from the delay and nods approvingly, "Fuck yes sir! So I guess it's going to be THAT kind of show today. Listener, if there's any small children or those heavy of morals, you may want to tune back when a calmer program is on... Like The Vinyl Scratch."

Celestia rolls her eyes. "Honestly, can you NOT tarnish our reputation just for once?"

"Didn't you do that by being the city-wide passage to adulthood for every two bit stallion with good hair and a decent sized prick?" Mous says.

Celestia leans closer and stares down her husband. "My activities prior to when we met are none of you-"

Celestia is interrupted by her husband speaking in a very high falsetto as he imitates her voice. "Oh look at me! I'm the immortal ruler of a kingdom who went STIR CRAZY during my first century and now fucks everything with a pole or hole! So line up everypony and get it before I have to go fuck up trade negotiations AGAIN."

Berry's still on the floor.

Anon leans nonchalantly against the desk, "Shaaaaaame I should have been here sooner. Who knows, maybe THEN I'd have had some sun in my life and not..." He stares at the rolling Berry, "....Not a complete idiot.... Glad married life turned things around for you though."

"Sun exposure is unsafe." Mous says.

"Not that he doesn't enjoy a tan every so often~" Celestia corrects.

"Looking for love in all the wrong places, buddy?" Mous asks, ignoring his wife.

Berry regains composure enough to shout up from the floor, "Story of his LIFE!"

"QUIET DRUNKY!"

After a brief moment to get Berry all plugged back in, she asks, "So tell us about your sister Princess, she's oddly reclusive except under certain circumstances."

Mous seems to try to stifle a giggle as he turns his head away from the microphone and Celestia clears her throat.

"My sister...was away for a very long time. She has been re-familiarizing herself with her kingdom and her people in recent days, but I assure you that she does get out to see some of her few friends."

"Especially the little British ones." Mous says between laughing fits. At least before Celestia uses her magic to bop him in the head with his microphone.

"Indeed, one thousand years on the moon for trying to plunge the land into eternal darkness. I'm sure making friends after that long is difficult." Anon says, "Maybe we should have her in the studio one of these days, maybe get her to open u-."

Another Berry punch, "YOU just want her in so you can hit on her too!"

"My Miss Punch, you offend! Besides, sounds like she has a classy fellow all lined up anyways." you say in mock offense.

Mous has his hand over his mouth and seems like he's about to burst.

"My sister is not currently seeing anyone, Mister Anon. But I will pass your invitation along." Celestia says.

A few words escape Mous's covered mouth "Take a seat right over here" being the most clear.

Berry frowns, crosses her forelegs and glares at Anon.

"Sweeeeeeeet! You know, love to get to know her, she seems like an attractive lady."

Berry sighs and adds 'rolling her eyes' to the list of her symbols of annoyance, "Anon, she was trapped on the moon for a thousand years, she doesn't need you trying to take advantage of her."

"It's not that, she... It's like she probably WANTS friends, but her awkwardness... It must be like... Crawling in her skin, and these wounds... Well they will not heal... Not without help."

Annoyance has become violence.

Mous smiles "Awwww, they're like us but with more blows to the head and less character assassination. But sure! Bring Luna on, this might actually get her to get out of the damn castle and not sing so fuckin' loud in her room all day."

It's Anon's turn to be disabled by the giggles.

"So you two, what IS life like living in the castle?" Berry asks, "What's it like to get waited on hoof and mane?" Her eyes light up, "All the luxury and servants and respect!"

Celestia clears her throat. "Life in the castle has it's up sides, and the servants-"

"-Are constantly either avoiding us out of fear of being involved in something or trying to jockey favour by helping." Mous interrupts.

Celestia rolls her eyes. "Just like politics."

Berry puts her chin in her hooves and sort of stares off, "Still, it's like what every little girl dreams about-"

Anon claws his way back up from the floor, "You're just lazy and don't want to get out of bed to make your own breakfast."

"Not that YOU would know." She scoffs.

"Bitch! I had to carry you to the bathroom once!"

Yet another Berry backhoof, "I was drunk and you know it you ass!"

"At least she doesn't sing in the shower..." Mous says.

Celestia glares at her husband, not that he seems to notice.

"Loudly."

Never mind, he knew.

"And off key."

Celestia's wing comes up.

"And showtun-GAK!"

Her wing bounces off her husband's head and quiets him. "I am glad to see we both know how to handle our men, Miss Punch."

"And this is why I like interviews like this Princess, it helps prove that you're no different from the rest of us." Berry says with a sly grin.

"You mean abusive?" Anon asks, rubbing his head.

She laughs and says, "I mean able to handle loud mouthed jerks who can't control themselves. Princess Celestia! Taking care of business! A THOUSAND MORE YEARS!"

"Great, another thousand years of waking up to a horn in my mouth." Mous grumbles.

Celestia beams her practiced royal demeanor the entire time.

Anon checks the clock, "Well looks like our time's ALMOST up, but before you two go we have one final question. After this you're both going to a meeting to discuss KCOLT coverage for The Grand Galloping Gala and Berry and I would like to ask you personally seeing as that we've hit it off so well, if we could be the representatives for the station?"

Berry's eyes become VERY wide.

"Yes."

"Now dear." Celestia starts. "There is a proper way to go about doing thi-"

"Then consider it a royal decree for any and all listening. These two are to be reporting at the Gala and Berry here needs to help me run the drinking contest."

Celestia sighs and shakes her head, albeit with a smile on her face. "I suppose we can a make a single exception in this case."

Mous reaches up and scratches Celestia's ears. "Awww...see? I knew I stuck with you for a reason."

"Mutual tolerance?" Celestia asks.

"Blatant abuse of power."

Anon claps his hands and cheers. "FANTASTIC! A royal decree and everything! Well I'm sure the execs will have no problems, after all, who could say 'no' to those violet eyes and that prismatic mane."

Berry's still just staring

"I could and do say no often. It's all about setting boundaries in a relationship." Mous quips.

Mous waves his hand in front of Berry's face. "But I think we killed your co-worker."

Anon waves dismissively, "Oh no, don't worry about her. She's just always wanted to go to the Gala and sh-"

Berry reaches up and yanks Anon down to whisper in his ear off mic, "You do know that gig was supposed to go to Vinyl and Octavia don't you?"

"Eeeeyup, but no one can REALLY say 'no' to a royal decree."

She lets him go and shakes her head with a slowly creeping stunned smile.

"It was great having you two," Anon says in a bubbly tone.

"We were very pleased to be here, you two." Celestia says.

"Nice to get out of the Sex Dungeon once in a while." Mous quips.

Celestia sighs. "He means the royal apartment."

"Sex Dungeon."

"Apartment."

"Sex Dungeon."

"Apartment!"

"Sex Dungeon."

"APARTMENT!"

The royal couple is silent for a few moments.

"...Sex Dungeon."

Strung Along.

"This is your worst idea since you tried to host a bike marathon but removed all the seats first." you say.

"Oh but think about how much more interesting it would have been!" Celly chuckles.

You and the rest of the royal family walk through the Grand Canterlot Orchestral Hall late some evening. And by "Royal Family", you mean ALL of it. You, Celly, Luna and your FAVORITE Nephew-in-law, Blueblood.

The crowned prince trots next to the three of you literally eying every mare within a two block radius.

You lean over to Celestia. "At least we know he's your nephew now."

Celly rolls her eyes and leads your party towards the main entrance.

Along the way you meet your Super Best Friends, the paparazzi. The camera bulbs flash and snap as Celestia and Luna walk up. You raise your hand over your eyes to block out the light and let the more at home royalty bask in the attention.

Celestia turns to you. "Darling, why don't you take Blueblood inside and Luna and I shall join you in a few moments."

You feel your eye twitch in response to the annoying load she just dropped on you.

"You're a bad person and I hate you."

Celly hurries you through the throngs of people with her magic. "See you inside, dear!"
-Theme Song-

A whole damn hour later, you and Blueblood are standing in the foyer while the paparazzi STILL takes pictures and grills Celly and Luna. Blue is standing in the center of a large group of concert go-ers, casually talking to several of the females there.

"And so it was then that we learned that the dignitary's were IMMENSLY interested in fencing, and who else but myself was the Canterlot Academy's top duelist?" he says.

The crowd voice their impressions as Blue soaks in the praise. "And so with a quick show of force and form, we were able to move the trade negotiations along at a positively fevered pace."

Everyone assembled claps their hooves to the Prince's story and he just eats it all up.

You can't help yourself. It doesn't matter if he's your "nephew".

"Yeah, Blue's fairly good at "fencing"."

Blue chuckles and glances over at you. "Uncle?"

You walk into the group of socialites. "Remember? That time at the bar with the pegusus in the green dress?"

Blue's eyes shrink to pinpricks and his mouth falls almost to the floor.

"What was his name again? Jeremy or something?"

Blueblood turns a glorious shade of pink and averts his eyes, everyone else is giggling.

"But the interesting thing was that our dear Prince didn't come back that night, or even for most of the day, he still won't tell us what happened."

Blueblood shuffles on his hooves a bit and darts his eyes around. "Uhmyeswellyouseewelaughedatthemisunderstandingan-"

Three chimes signaling the start of the performance echo through the hall, Blue bolts off before the first one is even done. "Comealongunclewehavetotakeourseats!"

-Celestia PoV-

After finally escaping the press, you were sitting down for a nice quiet evening with your loved ones. The four of you were sitting in the royal box as you watched the violin quartet on the stage play Marezart's 4th in D. Luna and your nephew were seated in the front row as you and Mous sat in the rear in the shadows. Meaning that Mous was leaning back in his char with his eyes closed.

With a simple spell to ensure that your companions wouldn't hear, you break the silence. "Blueblood seems far quieter than usual tonight."

Mous shrugs. "Maybe he's taken the hint after being turned down so often."

You chuckle. "My..."voraciousness" isn't the only thing my nephew has inherited, he seems to have quite the track record."

Mous stays silent and you lean into him.

"What did you do~?"

Mous shrugs again. "Just told a story, nothing too major."

"Why do I feel you're lying?"

"Because our marriage is built on lies and slander."

You chuckle. "If the radio could hear us now."

"Pffft. They won't be saying jack with the bone we tossed 'em." he says.

"So, apart from terrorizing my family, what else have you done?"

Mous stretches and rests his head on his hands. "Dodge press, sulk, wish I was somewhere else with anyone else."

"So the usual?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

This man. He was either startlingly interesting or dreadfully boring.

You eventually just relent. "Oh if you're not having any fun, go off and entertain yourself."

Mous's face lights up for the first time in the entire night. "Really?"

"No use just having you moping around the castle all night."

Mous leans over and pecks your cheek before he runs out of the box.

You giggle and readjust yourself in your seat. You always enjoyed this part, when he would run around and dream up these insane plans to make the night more interesting.

Now you just had to wait to see what happens.

About a half an hour after Mous left and you were still sitting in the royal box. With him gone, you were free to enjoy the string concert, but you admit that the rising feeling of anticipation knowing he was out there doing something had you excited. The thought of him rooting around, probably in the ducts and about to do something that would probably result in more than a bit of property damage all to simply change things up around here.

It was romantic in a demented sense. Not that he could ever completely get away with it, there was no fun in that.

You'd think up something for him later, for now you have a guest.

The owner of the Venue, an older mare with a worn horn, trots into the box. She bows her head. "Your Majesty. On behalf of the entire Grand Canterlot Orchestral Society, let me tell you how much of an honor it is to have you all here in out hall."

You give her a small bow of your own. "The pleasure is all ours, ma'am. Your players are divine."

You could hear hard footsteps on the ceiling above you, signaling that something was about to happen. You find yourself biting your lip in anticipation.

As the owner continues to talk, you turn your head a bit so you can see the stage. The soft and calm playing of the violins was occasionally punctuated by a metallic cracking sound from above. All at once the roof of the Orchestra Hall begins to groan and the audience below gasps and cries in shock.

The man hanging by the chandelier chain kicks and shouts as he dangles over the audience. You feel a smile tug at your lips as he turns towards the stage.

"PLAY SOMETHING!" he shouts.

"C'MON, YOU'RE PUTTING ME TO SLEEP UP THERE! PLAY SOMETHING!"

The players look to each other nervously as their prince shouts at them.

"MELT MY FUCKING FACE OFF!"

They grab their instruments and play.
-Music-

After Mous's touted "facemelter", two other songs, and an encore about some sort of free bird, you're waiting in the foyer with your family.

"What in the WORLD is taking Blueblood so long?"

Luna scoffs next to you. "Tis only the powder room."

"Maybe he fell in?" a voice from behind calls. Mous comes up on your opposite side holding an ice pack to his shoulder.

"Feeling better?"

"It's a bit stiff, but I'll manage."

"That's what you get when you hang from the ceiling for forty minutes."

Mous flits his tongue. "You would know, wouldn't you~?"

You would, but he can't think he's winning. A commotion rises from the opposite side of the orchestral hall, from the direction of the washrooms.

Wonderful.

"Come along..."

You lean Luna and Mous towards the bathrooms and find a curious sight. Your nephew was sitting on the ground as a mare smacked him numerous times with her purse.

"AND I HAVE NEVER SEEN SUCH BLATENT DISREGARD FOR MANNERS IN ALL MY LIFE!" she cries.

Security comes in fast and approaches the mare. "What is going on, ma'am?"

"I FOUND THIS...RUFFIAN COMING INTO THE MARES ROOM AFTER ME!"

"B-but-! I did-! It-!" Blueblood stutters.

The guard sighs and hoists Blueblood up off the ground. "Please come with me, your majesty." he says before leading him away.

As you follow with your eye, you catch sight of Mous's shit eating grin.

You sigh. "What did you do?"

"Shaved the little dress off the symbol so it looks like the stallions room." is your answer.

That...was actually pretty clever. You would be laughing if you could in public.

You turn and lead your family out of the hall.

"We will talk about this at home, husband."

"Oh dear. Titles. Now I'm in trouble." he says sardonically.

While watching your nephew learn to curb his ego was entertaining, your husband would have to be "punished" in some manner when you arrived home.

Perhaps something with teeth.

Old Flames.

You are Mous and you are not happy. Breakfast time with the family was usually a time of warm talk and the occasional thrown piece of food, but not today.

Not with him here.

He sits across the table from you drinking his milky and twirling a doughnut around in the air, his serpentine body barely fitting into the chair he sat in.

A roll pokes and prods at your mouth in a golden magical grip. "Eat up, Mister Grumpy Gus." Celestia says.

"M'not hungry..." you mutter.

Celestia reels back a bit. "Aww...what's wrong, dear?"

You spin your knife around and point it down at your guest. "He's here."

Discord drinks his milk and feigns innocence. "Me? And why would I ruin your breakfast oh "Prince"."

You don't like the way he spat out that last part.

Your knife digs into your food as you glare at him. "Don't play dumb."

Discord chuckles. "Hmmm...I think I'll leave that to you, Prince."

THAT'S IT.

You grab your knife, jump out of your chair and charge across the table at Discord screaming. To his credit, he floats out of his own chair and readies his fingers to snap you back to the stone age.

What no doubt would have been an epic battle between bedlam and a butter knife was about to unfold. At least until the both of you are trapped in a magic aura and slammed into opposing walls.

Celestia sits in her seat at the table and daintily sips her tea, her horn aglow and keeping you both immobilized. "Don't make me have to separate you two." she says.

You and Discord's eyes dart between each other and Celestia. She had you both by the balls and she knew it.

"So...what's on the agenda, hon?" you croak out.

Celestia releases the two of you onto the floor and smiles.

"We're going out today."

-Theme Song-

"Dammit Celly, everyone's looking at us."

"Tch. Don't flatter yourself, Prince." Discord says.

You jam your hands in your pockets and walk behind Celestia and Discord. The entire city seems to have come out to catch sight of the Draconequus walking with their monarchs through the city.

"Hmmm. I see you've changed the banners again, Celestia."

"That I have, I like the addition of the golden edges to it, it catches the sun so nicely."

"Looks like crap."

Celly and Discord look back at you.

"Gold with yellow is just obnoxious. It's like putting a big sign that says "LOOKIT ME!" on it."

Discord jerks a thumb back to you. "Is he always like this?"

Celly giggles. "Almost every day."

The two of them share a guffaw as you stew.

Fucking Discord. He had become a problem shortly after you and Celestia had become a thing. You snuck your way into their camp and ended up icing him through some trickery, had to betray the kingdom to do it. Celestia had gotten you off with a "warning" at court. They weren't there when she came in after hours and made you sorry.

"Police brutality!" you had shouted to no one.

Celly and Discord continue you laugh.

"Yeah yeah, giggle it up, chucklefucks."

You blow past the two of them. "Let's just get this day over with so I can stop getting looked at like I'm taking my retarded brother out for a day on the town, eh?"

You can practically hear Discord roll his eyes from behind you. "Subtle."

"He has his moments." Celestia says.

The day wears on and the townsfolk came out to meet and greet their monarch. There were a few questions about why Discord was with you, but Celestia had placated those voices. Currently you and Discord sat by a fountain as Celestia spoke to some school children out to play.

"So...been a while."

Discord crosses his arms. "Yes, I remember. I believe the last time we met you got me killed, yes?"

"You deserved it."

He waves his hand. "Semantics."

"I was having a nice day and you just had to show up and screw it."

Thanks Fluttershy, you cunt.

"No need to be jealous, Prince, it doesn't suit you."

Well that clinches it...You had always figured that Celly and Discord had some sort of something way back when, not that she'd ever tell you. In fact, anything about those two was the best kept secret in the entire kingdom.

You lean back and groan. "Brilliant..."

"Oh don't be so bitter, you know what Celestia is." he says with a wave of his paw.

"There's a difference between the doughnut shop owner and my worst enemy, cock head."

"So? You know who you were marrying, it's not my fault that you feel self conscious."

You growl and turn away.

Discord hops off the bench. "Well I'll have none of it! No sir!" he says.

Celestia is rejoined by Discord up with the gather ponies. He smiles and snaps his fingers, letting off sparks and pops of fireworks in the air. And you sat back on the bench stewing like a chump.

"Brilliant..."

Back to walking and back to walking behind Celly and Discord. It had gotten worse since earlier, now Discord and Celly were talking and laughing and shit while you were stuck in the rear. On top of having to see Celly's big fat ass the entire time, you were starting to get major vibes that Discord was moving in on your wife and there was nothing you could do about it.

Well...almost nothing.

As the three of you enter the market square, you make your move.

"Is that a banana stall?"

Celly whips her head around so fast you can hear the wind break. "WHERE?!"

While Celly gallops off, you snatch Discords talon and drag him into an alley. You toss him in the alley and stand in front of the exit. Not for any real effect what with his teleporting, but it made you feel better.

"Hey! Is that how you treat ALL of your subjects?" he shouts.

"Lay off, Discord."

He dusts himself off and floats into the air. "What in Equestria are you talking about?"

You shrug. "I don't know, what AM I talking about?"

"Well I'm quite sure I don't KNOW, Mous. That's why I asked."

You take a few steps towards him. "You sure you don't? You sure it's not about how you're totally moving in on my wife!?"

Discord balks. "Is THAT it? Am I not allowed to talk to an old friend now?"

"You know how Celestia is" you said, you tell me that was just talking."

He crosses his arms and bends down to look you in the eye. "Are you really so uncertain of yourself that you see ALL of Celestia's exes like this?"

A few tense moments pass between the two of you. "Maybe." you spit out.

Discord leans his head in closer. "Becaaaaause?"

You find yourself instinctively taking a step back when you shouldn't be.

"Because...you're all this and Sombra was all that and everyone else she's seen over the years is so big and I'm just here being...me."

"And?"

You cock and eyebrow. "...And?"

"And aren't you STILL the human who trapped me in Tartarus? The human who angered the Changeling Queen so much as to make her abandon her post so she could be defeated before poisoning her brood? Aren't you one of the only humans HERE?" he asks.

"...And?"

Discord poofs onto a nearby trashbin and summons a nail file that he uses on his eagle talon. "Nothing. Just that you may be of more interest to our dear Princess than you let on."

You continue to glare. "That's still not enough that I won't tell you to piss o-"

"Oh nag nag nag." Discord says while miming your mouth movements with his lions paw. "Do you really think I'd be so eager to "move in" on Celestia after being overthrown, turned to stone TWICE, being banished to Tartarus, and only brought back so that my "magic can be used for good"?"

"Hell, I don't fuckin' know."

He tosses the nail file at you and poofs it away before it hits your face. "What Celestia did to me...is not something I can forgive, and it's not something that I'll ever forget. So feel safe "your highness", your royal marriage is safe."

You're silent for a while as you consider his words.

"...Shoulda made her laugh more if you wanted to get off easy."

Discord rolls his eyes. "Yes, well, I'm sorry that we didn't have The Beatles in my time."

You cock an eyebrow. "You saw that?"

Discord chuckles. "I've seen a lot you and Celestia have done to each other. I must say that I'm impressed."

In that moment, you stopped seeing him as you did. He wasn't Discord the All Powerful, or some evil king you had beaten, he wasn't even that annoying voice in your head that one time you were in his cult.

He was just...you. Snake shaped, magical you. A silly prankster with his bad streak.

At least currently.

"Aha. HahahaHA. HAHAHAHEHAHAHHHOHOHOAHEHEHAHAHAHAAAA!"

Discord joins in your laughter and it lasts for a good half minute before you calm down.

"Well...that was an unexpected conversation."

"I -do- try to be unexpected." Discord says.

He pops behind you. "Like this." he says with another pop.

You run out of the alley to see Discord in the middle of the market square standing on a circus ball juggling seals. Ponies from all around were flocking to see his antics.

And Celestia was standing at the edge near the banana cart. With her ass to you.

"Ha..."

You sneak up and grab a banana from the cart.

"So..." you say coming up on her side. "Having a good DAY!??"

You twist and jam your hand forward behind her rear and smile at her as she drops her snack and her face turns red.

"NOT. IN. PUBLIC." Celestia spits out.

You kiss her cheek as her jaw drops at what you're doing.

"Just trying to be spontaneous, Celly."

Circus of Value.

Noise. Lots of noise. Lots of loud noise, foul smells, and bright flashing lights.

Such was life when the carnival rolls into town.

You were standing at the entrance to the Canterlot Carnival, a traveling amusement park that ended every run with a big showing in Canterlot. And now Celly was dragging you along.

"Do you hate me?"

Celestia arches her eyebrow.

"Is that why you're trying to get me killed at some idiot carnival?"

"But look at how magnificent this is!" she exclaims with a wave of her hood. "Truly a marvel of Equestria engineering! To take such mundane materials and turning them into things that offer hours of entertainment."

You look over and see a support CLEARLY held together with rope next to a clown vomiting.

"...We're gonna die."

She flips her hair and begins to walk into the carnival proper, the deathtrap that it was. "Nonsense! Neither of us would let the other go that easily."

You jam your hands in your pockets and follow along "If you wanted rid of me that easy, there have to be ways apart from getting me crushed by a busted Ferris wheel."

"Well I could throw you in a lake" she sings.

"Or feed me poisoned birthday cake."

"But I won't deny that I would miss you when you're gone."

You give her a congratulatory ear scratch for pulling off her part. "You're still tone deaf as all hell."

"Better to be at a loss for tone than to have a voice that sounds like gravel and gasoline." Celly quips.

You chuckle and look around at the various shit-tacular attractions..

"So where to first, of queen of the sluts?"

Celly looks around and points down a row of stalls. "There." she says before trotting off.

Now all you had to do is avoid getting tetanus..

Easy. You hope.
-Theme Song-

KRACKRACKRACKRACKRACK.

You tug on the coaster's lap harness and make sure that it is indeed secure and not going to send you flying off half way to Fillydelphia.

The technician comes over and checks you both once before looking you in the eye. "Держите конечности внутри автомобиля во все времена, мудак." he says before walking past you.

"Hahaha. What?"

Celly situates herself. "He was giving us safety instructions, dear."

Oh. Well alright then.

"What'd he say?"

The chain in the front of the car snaps taut and starts to drag you along the tracks.

"Whoops! No time! Ride's starting!" Celestia says.

"Yeah, but what'd he say?"

The car is pulled up the steep incline of the first hill.

"Oh wow, this is pretty high, huh?"

"Celly, what'd he say."

"How high do you think this goes?"

"What'd he say, Celly."

"A couple hundred feet, I'd imagine."

"CELLY. WHAT'D HE SAY."

"Look! You can see our balcony from here!"

You grab Celestia's face right as you pause at the top of the hill.

"WHAT DID HE SAY YOU PUTRID FUCKING CUNT!?"

Her grin could be seen for miles.

"Hang on."

You go over.

"CELESTIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" you scream as you go around the turns.

The car bounces left and right, up and down as it races along the tracks. You hold on for dear life, but it's made a bit difficult with the constant sandwiching of you between the side of the car and Celestia's fat ass.

"I TOLD YOU TO LAY OFF THE CAKE!"

"AHAHAHAHAHA! CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE FUN I'M HAVING!"

You scream in frustration as your car rockets along the tracks.

Up ahead appears a tunnel, the kind that plunges you into darkness so that they can get a better picture of you.

"SMILE FOR THE CAMERA!" Celestia shouts.

You both enter the tunnel.

"FUCK YOU!"

"YOU NEED TO LEARN TO UNWIND EVERY SO OFTEN DEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

Apparently this carnival didn't account for too much difference in size because you look over and see Celestia screaming her lungs out as her horn drags along the low hanging ceiling.

"OH MY GOSH! OH MY GOSH! MOUS, STOP THE CAR! MY HORN IS ON FIRE HERE! STOP THE CAR!"

You do the only thing you can do in this situation.

"AAAAAHAHAHEHEHAHAHOHOHHHAHAHEEHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHWAHWAHAAAA!!"

"THIS IS NOT FUNNY!" she says over the sound of her horn scraping.

"THIS IS HYSTERICAL!"

The sparks from Celly's horn illuminate the tunnel well enough for you to see a camera dangling from above.

"HEY! HEY SMILE FOR THE CAMERA!" you puppet.

You're not sure if Celly was able to smile, but you were at least hopeful the picture was nice.

"This is a really nice picture."

You turn the picture over in your hands examining every captured inch of you and Celestia in that tunnel.

The Princess sits next to you at a "medical tent" getting her horn wrapped in bandages to help with the friction burn.

You lean over and point to the picture. "See how the light from the sparks plays off your eyes?"

She glances down at the photo. "No, I don't, because the face of my husband laughing like an absolute lunatic at my getting hurt is distracting."

You pocket the snapshot.

"It's not -my- fault that you were too tall for the ride."

The carny wraps the last of Celestia's bandages. "A'ight. Y'all are fixed up. Sorry this all happened, Princess."

Celestia rubs her head as she gets to her feet. "No...no...I understand that I am taller than most."

You keep your hand on Celestia's back to keep her steady as you walk down the path and buy the two of you some cotton candy.

The two of you stand off to the side as you eat to let Celestia recover.

Despite what happened, she has a smile on her face.

"You seem rather happy."

Celly watches a group of children run around playing. "Equestria's youth playing happy in the sun... it always warms the heart..."

One of the kids glances over and approaches Celly with open mouthed awe. "A-are you really Celestia?" she asks.

Celly grows a wide and warm smile as she bends down to look the child in the eye. "That I am, My Little Pony. Are you having a good day at the carnival?"

The filly nods enthusiastically.

Celly floats down her cotton candy and nods to let the girl know she can take a small bite, something she does with great gusto.

"Run along now and go play with your friends, there is a lot of fun to be had today for you all, I think." Celestia coos.

The filly beams a smile back to Celly and runs back to her friends. "Hey guys! I just met the Queen!"

That sentence lets all the air out of Celestia in an explosive sigh. She casts her eyes downward and trots off in another direction.

O...kay?

Husband senses tingling.

You follow after Celestia down the carnival path.

"Hey! Wait up!"

You catch up and cut her off before she can get too far.

"Whoa whoa! What's up? What's wrong?"

Celly sighs and looks up at you. "It's nothing, dear."

"Buuuuuullshit it's nothing. I haven't seen you lose your smile that fast since we ran out of bananas."

Celestia tries to break eye contact, but you cup her cheek with your hand and guide her back.

"Tia...what's wrong? Talk to me here, babe."

Celestia's eyes shimmer as she snorts through her nose. "It's...what that child said."

"The squirt? What?"

"Just her...choice of words."

You replay the conversation in your head. "What...how she called you a queen?"

Celly nods.

"So she got your title wrong...so what?

Celly groans. "It's just that word..."Queen"...it just reminds me that I'm not as young as I sometimes act..."

You reel your head back. "You...feel old?"

She sighs. "I remember my youth so clearly...the carefree days where the nation didn't rest on my shoulders and there weren't a million things that needed my council each and every day...my title is the very last thing I have that I can hold onto from that time and I'm a bit...sensitive about it."

All this...Because she feels old...

"...I think you're fine."

Celestia looks up at your eyes.

"I like the way you act young. And I like the Celly that has a few years on her than some little teenybopper."

Celestia gives a tired smile and rests her head on your shoulder. "Thank you dear...thank you very much for saying that..."

You pat the back of her neck. "I have to do something to make you keep me around."

Celestia pulls away from you and gives you a tired smile.

Not good enough.

"That's not good enough..." you mumble.

"What?" she asks.

You don't answer her and instead begin scanning the carnival stalls until a stuffed bear half your size in one of them.

"Perfect..."

You walk away from Celestia towards the stall. "Mous?" she asks.

The carny at the stall eyes you as you reach him.

"What do I have to do for the bear?"

He gestures at a field of metal rods sticking out of the ground. "Play horseshoes. Three ringers gets you the bear. Five bits for three horeshoes."

You hear Celestia come up behind you. "Mous? What are you doing?"

You dig into your pockets and slam five bits onto the counter.

"Hit me."

"Ooookay, OOOOOKAY!" you shout.

Celestia giggles.

Walter remains silent.

The Ferris wheel grinds to a halt at the apex of its spin.

"Wow..."

The setting sun shines ahead of you and made the verdant field below glow with a brilliant orange hue.

A bandage flutters past you in the wind and a bright glow heralds the beginning of the twilight hours.

"I guess that means that your horn is feeling better?"

Celestia sighs and leans back a bit. "It does, thank you for asking."

"Mhmm. And how do you feel?"

Celestia extends her wing and wraps you in it. "I was in a fairly low mood earlier, but then I watched a very stupid man spend over two hundred bits on a game to win a stuffed bear."

You rest your arm on said bear.

"He did his job."

You and Celestia sit silently together and watch the moon slowly rise.

"Not a half bad day...huh?"

Celestia shrugs. "I've had worse."

"It was your idea to get married that day."

"You could have said no."

"And miss out on free carnival entrance? Not a chance in hell, Tubby-tits."

Celestia laughs a throaty laugh before she settles back down.

The seat of the cart vibrates and almost covers the "Braaaap" noise.

"...Did you ju-"

"It was the bear."

Boarder Dispute

-Theme Song-

You are Princess Luna and all of you are late. "Sister! Hurry up!"

You trot through the royal apartment in your dress. Tonight was the night of the Grand Continental Summit, leaders and delegate from Boardor to the Hooviet Union would be attending to talk matters of trade and politics. And you were all going to be late because you can't find your sister and in-law.

"Balderdash!" you exclaim.

You needed to hurry! The chariot couldn't wait forever. Well, technically it could, but you didn't want to make it. You trot through the hall and take a deep breath before entering into the bedchambers.

Holding your breath, you look around. "Sister?"

No response.

You release your breath and sniff cautiously.

"Good..."

The stench wasn't there...

Still, the scent of musk being absent meant that this room hadn't seen much use in a while. You walk around hoping to find some clue.

"Sister?"

The bathroom was clean.

"Mous?"

The patio overlooking the gardens had no one on it.

You stand in the middle of the room and look around in the hopes of finding something that will clue you in to where they went.

However the clue comes from underneath you instead. At your hooves were two scorch marks burnt into the carpet.

OH!

"OF ALL THE-!"

This was not the time!

"UHG. Why me?" you ask.

And then you explode.

You reform in a place not of Equestria. Stars and nebula spun in a cosmic dance of lasting decadence off in the infinite reach of space.

Such was the way of things in the Ethereal Plane.

Your crystalline horseshoes clink against the invisible "ground" on which all in this place traversed as you walk in search of your family.

"Sister? In-law?"

Images begin to float past you, images of the past and possible future. Time was abstract in the Ethereal, one could see events from years in the past as if they were unfolding right in front of them. Voices soon rise to meet to meet the images, voices you recognized from ages past and some you knew all too well from the present.

"And this is the part where Starswirl got drunk and fell over the railing!" a feminine one says.

The second one, a demented mixture of gravel and gasoline, could not stop laughing.

You come across your sister and in-law laying down on the ground together, Mous leaning against Celestia's side as they both watch an image play in front of them.

"Sister!" you exclaim.

She turns to greet you and smiles. "Hello Luna! Have you come to join us?"

You gesture at your dress. "Sister! The Continental Confrence?"

The two of them are silent for a moment before Mous tilts his head. "Shit...was that today?"

Your face contorts into a scowl. There were times where you felt like the only sane person in the kingdom.

-Mous PoV-

After Luna's unceremonious shuffling of the two of you out of the Astral Plane, she spent the next twenty minutes glaring at you to make sure you both got dressed in time. Not like the two of you weren't used to throwing on clothes in a hurry, or anything. And then came your FAVORITE part of these events, the chariot ride.

It was a bit of a trip from Canterlot to Tambelon and you hated every second of it. Luna's lecture about responsibility didn't help. You wanted to make a joke about her "friend" Pip, but you'd get slapped.

Again.

The carriage touches down outside of the newly refurbished Castle Tambelon with the rest of the diplomatic transports. From the brochure you read seven times on the way over here, you know that across the courtyard is the building that was once the Necropolis and was flanked on either side by the Spellhold and the Barracks. You turn and look at the imposing Castle Tambelon itself resting on the artificial hill, it's guard towers, turrets, and crenellations casting an eerie shadow over the place.

Yeesh...

"Grogar sure had a sense of style, didn't he?"

Celestia and Luna trot past you silently in their dresses and expect you to catch up.

"No really! Spikes are very in right now!"

You follow the two of them up the stairs, through the doors, and past security and into the castle proper. Dignitaries and diplomats from the world over mingle around with their entourages. The first night was simply a night to get settled in and talk casual nation building business, the real work started tomorrow.

"So since I'm one of two humans here, can I nominate myself king of my species and get a say here?"

Luna rolls her eyes and walks past. Celestia approaches you. "While I'm sure the sight of you declaring your regency would be an entertaining one, dear, I have a special favor to ask you."

You cock an eyebrow.

"Eh?"

She titters and walks past you into the banquet hall. "Follow me~."

Celestia leads you over to a table where a particular pony is sitting. He's about Luna's size with a rich red cloak around his neck and a dark metal headpiece on covering some frankly ridiculous sideburns. Across his neck hung several polished steel chains of varying lengths and...was his collar popped?

His face lights up when he sees Celestia, but drops once his eyes fall to you.

You look him over. "Who's this douchebag?"

Celestia chuckles in her throat. "This, dear, is the recently reformed King Sombra."

He does a slight bow. "Charmed." he spits through gritted teeth.

Oh boy. Another of your wife's exes who now hates you on principal.

"Reformed, eh?"

"Fluttershy works wonders, dear."

Celly bows to Sombra and gets a much deeper one in return. "Princess Celestia...as radiant as ever."

"King Sombra...still as thick as I remember."

He chuckles as he rises with a smirk. "Mhmm~."

...Was he missing the double meaning here?

"So...what's up, man?"

Sombra rolls his eyes. "The ceiling, the upper floors, Princess Luna's majestic sky. How simple these apes are, right Princess?"

"Aha...quite, Sombra...Mous, do you think you can entertain Sombra? Walk with him around the room as I speak to the other dignitaries?" Celestia says.

"Whooooaaaa, no. No? No. Hell no. No. No."

"Hmm..." Celestia's eyes drift upward in thought. "That was six! By the rules of Double Negatives, you said yes!"

"Wait, what the wha-"

Sombra visibly bristles as Celestia kisses your cheek. "Thank you dear! Have fun~!"

You and Sombra glare at each other for a few minutes before you sigh in defeat and put your hands in your pockets.

"Let's just get this over with..."

Sombra and you walk through the ballroom avoiding the more dour looking diplomats as best you can.

"So...king, huh? How'd that work out, champ?"

Sombra glares at you out of the corner of his eyes. "My rule of the Crystal Kingdom was the most productive one in its history. My boarders were safe and my power was absolute."

You cock an eyebrow. "Didn't Celestia and Luna have to, like, seal you in ice or something because you were a massive tool?"

Sombra's eyes narrow. "That was a quarrel, nothing more. But I can't expect your ape brain to comprehend that.

Oh yeah, this is gonna be fun.

You and Sombra come across a group of particularly jovial Zebra's laughing in the corner. Sombra reels. "Uhg...I can't believe they let THEM in here."

Oh boy...not only a dick, but a RACIST dick. You had the best luck with friends.

"I have learn that only time can return your chief to his once great prime." one of them says.

Sombra tilts a head. "Why are they speaking in such a -ridiculous- manner?

You try to talk through the hand you were slowly bringing down over your face. "They're Zebra's dude. Speaking poetically is, like, a cultural thing for them."

Sombra's look of revulsion contorts into a sly grin. "Come, Prince." he spits that last word out so hard you can feel the venom in it. "Allow me to show these...dirt ponies and you a REAL poem.

Oh boy, dinner and a show. Sombra trots up to them and brushes a hoof on his chest.
"Shallow life,"
"drowning alone,"
"as I gasp for air,"
"coldness creeps over pale skin,"
"there's darkness so deep,"
"it pulls me down,"
"happiness dies in the deep dark sea." he says standing there obviously expecting praise.

The Zebra's stand there dumbfounded as you walk up and pat Sombra on the back.

"Don't touch me."

"Dude, that poem blew, it didn't even rhyme."

He huffs. "Do not call my poems quality into question because you can't understand the subtle nuances of it!"

"Nuances aren't worth shit if it isn't entertaining! And it didn't even rhyme!"

"Perhaps I siimply did not wish to debase myself to the level of these...these...mud farmers!"

You hear the gasps of shock from behind you and step in front of them.

"You still have to play by the rules, man. There needs to be SOMETHING cool about your poem like rhyming."

He rolls his eyes. "As if you could do better, ape."

You stroke your chin. "Well...I'm not one for rhyming, but..."

You slap Sombra lightly on the face.

"Sit down Sombra, and let me spin you a superior story to the swill that just spilled from your sooty snout. Straightforwardly said, the statues of this system are that someone saying such statements must constrain their sayings to an often simple standard. You should say that someone else is stupid simply for reasons such as your sonnet sucking."

You could hear a pin drop around you everyone was so quiet.

The Zebras behind you begin clapping their hooves together. "Well done, son!" "Spoken well!" "Impressive!"

Sombra sighs heavily and trots away all pissy, necessitating you follow. You take a few steps and turn back to the zebras as you walk.

"I'll be here for the entire summit! Remember to tip your waitress."

As close as you were to Sombra, you were able to hear him whisper. "Why in the world would I do THAT?"

Oh yeah, real class act here.

As Sombra and you continue to mingle, he swipes a glass of wine from a server and downs it in one gulp.

"Hitting it hard there, eh?"

"Being near you tries my patience, ape.

Tool.

Sombra continues to walk and you spot a flash of alabaster out of the corner of your eye.

"Celly?"

Celestia trots by looking rather pleased with herself and spots you. "Oh, hello dear. Enjoying Sombra's company?"

"Tch. Is that even possible? How can anyone tolerate him for more than five minutes?"

She titters. "People have said the same about you, dear."

"Yeah, but I'm not a racist."

"Sombra is old, dear. That's simply how it was back then." she says as she starts to trot away.

"...Were you racist?"

Celly gets some pop in her step. "Everyone's a little bit racist, it's tru-"

"I'm not singing here.

"Oh you are ZERO fun."

"And you're a bad liar. Can I ditch this twit, yet?"

Celestia shakes her head and starts to walk further away. "No dear, I need you to be around him a bit longer."

Brilliant...

You go off and find Sombra talking with some lithe, prim and proper earth ponies that had the Prench coat of arms on their chests. "Ah, bonjour Prince Mous! We were just talking to your...er... intéressant companion here!"

You eye a scowling Sombra with an equally toxic gaze. "Yeah, he's a character. How have things been in Prance, ambassador?"

He sighs and rubs his head "Stressant, I'm afraid. Ze season has been less than kind to us and our crop of grapes has been suffering."

Sombra rolls his eyes. "Ignorant dirt ponies can't even get their land to cooperate with them..."

The three diplomats arch their eyebrows and scowl as you just slap your palm against your face again.

Sombra reacts as expected. "What? Cultivating of land is what you dirt ponies are good at, to not be able to till your fields would be an immense failure on your part."

One of the diplomats gets fed up and walks over to Sombra. "Enough! I vill not have zis...vould be king insulting ze great nation of Prance!" he says poking Sombra in the chest with his hoof.

Sombra leans over to you wide eyed and barely squeaks out. "It's...touching...me!"

You hate everything. Everyone and everything.

But mostly this asshole.

A little while later and six more drinks on Sombra's part found the two of you at the table of the Ib'Xian empire. Sombra was keeping his composure well enough while he regaled them with tales of his ancient empire.

The Ibex diplomat takes a swig of his wine. "So...you mean to tell me that all the females from your city were taken to your-"

"Pleasure Keep, yes." Sombra says, a slight tinge of rosy red in his cheeks."And once there they would be well cared for and lavished with my affections."

Uhg...this was a disaster.

"You...kept them as slaves!" one of them exclaims.

"Well cared for slaves!*hic*" he retorts.

"One can only imagine what you did when you tired of them!"

Sombra sways just a bit on his feet. "Sent them back to the mines, usually."

Okay, that's it.

You step forward and put your hand on Sombra's shoulder. "Dude, just stop talking. There isn't a person in this room who doesn't think your an absolute monster now."

Sombra downs the rest of his wine and looks back at you. "Remove your paw from me, ape!"

He jerks away from you but you don't let up.

"You know what? No! You've been a royal bell-end all night and I'm not putting up with it anymore!"

Sombra reels back in the middle of the room. "How dare you speak to me like that! I captured and ruled a kingdom for hundreds of years! Your greatest accomplishment is to learn to not defecate in your hand and throw it!"

Oh it's on. You cross your arms and lean back.

"I killed Discord."

"A fine job you did, seeing as he is back!"

"He got better!"

Sombra rolls his eyes. "Yes, very impressive! The brute can kill something! Tell me when you can make yourself incorporeal."

"I infiltrated Canterlot Castle and didn't get caught!"

Sombra jams his face in yours. "I survived a thousand years on my will alone!"

"-I- corrupted an entire Changeling brood!"

"-I- lead an army and defeated an entire Changeling SWARM!"

Fuck. That sounded impressive.

Sombra leans back with a glint in his eye and a smirk on his lips. You can't let him win, you gotta think of something he hasn-

"I'm the one Celestia married."

Neither Sombra or you had a retort. He was too busy punching you.

"Ooow! OW!"

Celestia smushes the bandage over your head and smirks. "Don't be such a baby."

You scowl and rub your head. "Hey, his hooves were hard."

Celestia glances past you. "I can tell."

The guards were still pulling Sombra away, his horn sparking with the magic he couldn't cast after that eighth glass of wine.

"Lemmego! He's not good 'nuff! Only I wuz!" he screams again.

"Uhg...what is it with your exes?"

Celestia shrugs. "It's just the kind of people I seem to attract." she says with a wink.

You roll your eyes and look over the room. All the other diplomats were watching Sombra get carted away.

"So what'll happen to him?"

"He'll be put somewhere safe until he sleeps off the drink and then he'll arrive for the conference tomorrow."

"Even after he clocked me?"

"Diplomatic immunity, dear."

You sigh. "Great."

Celestia puts some snacks in her mouth. "Oh don't be like that, you played your part perfectly."

You let that replay in your head a bit.

"What?"

Celestia chuckles and casts a hoof out over the crowd. "Look around...there's not a diplomat in here who didn't see Sombra's outburst. Come tomorrow they'll see him as the malicious buffoon he is."

"You...used me to set up Sombra?"

Celestia nods smiling. "I needed everyone to see the stallion only I knew and knew that the best way for him to lose his temper was to place him with you!"

"...Why?"

"Since Sombra returned, he has been lobbying for a return of the Crystal Kingdom to his control. You can imagine what that would be like if he succeeded."

"So...you made me put up with him to piss him off knowing that if I did no one would give him that?"

"Pretty much!" she beams.

That was... "...Wow.

"A-huh."

"We should...like...leave."

Celestia cocks an eyebrow.

"Because...like, that was REALLY well played and now I gotta do stuff to ya."

Celestia grins a manic grin and levitates you off your seat. At least some good came out of this.

And you too.

Blasty From the Pasty.

So bored.

Can't focus.

You lean back in the chair you're in and balance on the hind legs, wobbling in mid-air for a few seconds before dropping down to the ground again. All around you ponies ran to and fro the Arcanium measuring out all things magical for the casting.

"Celly, why did you bring me here?"

Celestia pops her head up from the desk next to the Grand Magister.

"You're an important part of this spell casting, dear! You're being here could mean the difference between success and failure!" she says.

You cock an eyebrow. "Did you forget which human I was again?"

An apparatus sparks off to the side of the room. "You're here for moral support, Mous!"

You spin your index finger in mock-cheer. "Wooo. Go team."

Celestia gets up from the Magister's desk and levitates some arcane tools over to the circlet she drew up.

"Alright everypony! Are you all ready?"

A chorus of "Yes princess!" rings out from the room. You whistle.

Celestia lowers her glowing horn and begins to let her magic flow into the devices which spin and chug and move along in turn. Light begins to build and build and build in the center of the circle as Celestia charges the spell, the instruments taking on the same angelic golden glow.

The light gathers around Celestia and becomes a miniature sun as she prepares to release the energy and then-

BOOM.

The light implodes on itself and sends a wave of force out from its center and bowling all of you over.

HOLY SHIT!

"CELLY!?"

You roll off your feet and run towards the epicenter of the reaction, waving away the smoke. "Celly! Answer me, woman!"

You hear coughing in front of you. "Over here! *coughcough*"

You head in that direction brushing the smoke away and stop dead in your tracks at what you see.

Celly was fine, alright.

But was her hair so...pink?

-Theme Song-

Pink. It was pink. Her hair was pink. And not the normal level of pink, super pink.

That was...new.

Celestia pushes herself off the ground to her hooves and shakes her head. "Uhhhggg...what happened? Did the spell misfire?" she asks.

"Uhh...Celly."

"I feel like my head is in a vice..."

"Cell."

"Why do I feel...strange?"

"Celly look in the mirror."

"Huh?"

Celestia rights herself on her now smaller hooves and looks in a mirror nearby. What she sees causes her eyes to widen. She was shorter now, around Luna's height with smaller wings. Her horn was smaller and her multicolored pastel mane replaced with a solid pink one that did not flow in the ethereal winds.

Just like Luna said it did when they were younger.

Celly's jaw practically hits the floor.

"Cell. Come on. Don't scream. We can fix thi-"

Before immediately shooting up and turning into the widest smile you'd seen.

"HA! HA! HAHAHA!"

...Eh?

"I'm young again! Look at me being so bucking young!" She smacks her hooves to her face. "Aaaaaaahhh I feel like I'm two hundred again!"

Celestia dances around the room a bit as you grab the Grand Magister.

"You. Fix this. How?"

He glances this way and that before his eyes eventually fall on the prancing pony princess as she parades around the room.

Dammit.

"Celly! Stop actin' like a skank ass ho!"

She runs over to the doors out of the Arcanium. "Sorry dear! But there is no WAY I'm wasting this chance!" she calls back laughing on her way out.

With a grumble you give chase.

"GODDAMIT CELESTIAAAAA!"

Who taught this bitch to run?

You give chase to Celestia out of the Arcanium and find her staring wide eyed in a city square.

"God dammit woman! Hold up!"

Celestia whirls around to you and looks at you with wide eyed, barely contained glee.

"Oh Mous it's so incredible! I feel like I'm seeing the city through hole new eyes!"

You hear her, but don't respond. You're too busy hunched over trying to regain your breath. "Fucking great! Now let's get inside and get the Magister's to fix you up, kay?"

Celestia reels. "Fix me!?" But I've only just been changed and it feels GREAT!"

You look up and cock an eyebrow, she can't be serious. "You can't be serious. You want to stay like this?"

She leans down with that still enormous grin on her face. "Are you kidding, of course! I feel like I act now!"

You let out a heaving sigh.

"Celly, we gotta change you back eventually, the kingdom needs you! C'mon, let's go get this fixed before it becomes permanent."

Something happens to Celestia then, something rare. Her eyes lose the inferno of excitement they once held just a moment ago and her lips turn down into a frown.

She lowers her head and lets it hang low and her wagging tail slows to a crawl.

"Alright dear..." she says with a higher pitched sigh as she walks past you dragging her hooves. "Let's get this over with..."

You watch her sulk past you and just have to ask.

"Uh...what?"

She stops and sighs again. "Remember at that carnival where I said I felt...old?"

You nod.

"Well...this happened and I just feel so YOUNG! I feel like...a Princess instead of a Queen." Her face hardens. "But no, you're right. We have to for the good of the kingdom." With that she starts back towards the tower.

You sigh. You knew you were gonna regret this but...

"I guess..."

She pauses.

"One day can't hurt."

The ensuing "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" was so loud you swear Anon could hear it in Ponyville. You would have said something too but you now found that you were laying flat on the ground, had soft velvety lips against yours, and that there was a tongue down your throat.

"Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmpah! Thank you sweetheart!" Celestia squees as she hops off you and leaves you laying there.

...What the fuck was that.

Even if she was young now, Celestia was still herself and that meant her first instinct was to go find the nearest eatery and stuff herself silly. Explaining to the owner wasn't too terribly hard, just saying that it was a royal matter and to not worry about it was enough.

The two of you now sit in the VIP section next to the window overlooking the street below. Celestia was alternating between gobbling up her food before going back to plastering her face on the window to look at the ponies below with starry eyed enthusiasm.

You chew on your foot as Celly shovels even more of her own into her mouth and goes back to the window.

"If you keep that up you're going to make yourself sick."

"But I'm hungry!" she cries.

"You're always hungry, pace yourself."

"But that's boring!"

"Oh come on, don't tell me you're not used to it."

Celestia makes...some sound, something that sounds like a laugh-snort through her nose. "Hehe. Good one."

You cock an eyebrow. "You alright?"

She turns back to you smiling. "Of course I am! Why wouldn't I be?"

"You're acting...weird."

Celestia laughs and sits back down at the table. "Dear, I'm having an excellent meal on a gorgeous day with my wonderful husband, why could I not be alright?"

You point your fork at her. "See? That right there. You've never called me "wonderful" before in all the time I've known you."

"You make it sound like I never say anything nice about you!" she says.

"Uh...yeah? That's kinda how this whole thing of ours works."

Celestia puts her fork down. "Very well. I find your exploits interesting and you have never failed to make me laugh when you apply yourself. You are a very proficient lover and I know that you -do- care underneath your exterior."

You sit there blinking rapidly. Your cheeks aren't supposed to be hot.

"How was that, dear?" she asks.

"Uhhhh..." you clear your throat. "Interesting."

She leans over and kisses your forehead. "Only the best for you, dear."

Celestia hops off her seat and trots to the door. "Come on! Let's go see more of the city!"

...What the hell is going on?

Celestia runs and you follow to another town square, this one with a fountain in the middle. The weather is getting warmer now and there are fillies and colts frolicking in the fountains waters while their parents watch from the sidelines.

Celestia wastes zero time in bounding into the square and leaping into the fountain with a resounding "WAHOOOOOOOOOO!"

You enter the plaza shortly after her and just watch as she splashes around in the clear waters.

"Now there's a sight I haven't seen in ages..." a voice says.

"GAHFUCKWHAT."

You trip and stumble on your feet and see Discord hovering a few feet away looking at his nails.

"Jesus do you EVER announce when you're going to do that?"

He flicks a hangnail away and looks back at the fountain. "Where's the fun in that?"

You follow his eyes and see Celestia laughing and falling over as six foals cling to her body. "Well I'll be a monkey's uncle...I had to see it to believe it." he says.

See what? Celestia all chipper and shit?"

He shakes his head. "The Celestia I knew this chipper...I thought she'd forgotten how."

You right yourself. "How the hell do you -forget- to be chipper."

"Oh I'm sure that banishing two ex-lovers with your sister, then banishing your sister and ending up alone would have something to do with it."

"Yeah yeah..."

The two of you watch as Celestia plays with the kids as if she were one of their own. You remember you had been here less than a week ago with Celestia as she normally was and watched her just...sit on the sidelines watching the kids play.

"This is good..." Discord says.

"Hmm?"

He points to her. "Celestia...changed over the years, as we all do. She used to be like that all the time and I'm sure that attracted some of her early suitors. But...all that changed after she was alone. It's good to see her like this again..."

You watch Celestia haul herself out of the fountain and hug each of the kids latching onto her, laughing the entire time.

"Yeah...it really is."

Discord turns around and starts to float away. "She looks like she's about to come over here, so I'll leave you to it...Prince."

You'd have cocked an eyebrow but Celestia trots up to you still dripping wet. "Dear did you see what Orion did! It was so funny!"

You can't help but smile.

"Yeah, I saw, you gonna dry off?"

Celestia swishes her hair and walks past. "Let the air get it! Daylight's burning!"

You chuckle and follow along. "You missed Discord."

"Oh? What did he have to say?"

"Just that he liked seeing you like this. You know, happy."

Celestia stops and sighs contentedly. "He can be a dear when he wants to be...I think the last time I looked like this was right before the two of us got together..."

"Yeah...can see why he'd like that sight."

Celestia turns around and gallops over to you, putting her head on your shoulder and nuzzling your head. "Ah, but he is not who I am with now, sweetheart. Never forget that."

You reach up and run a hand through her damp mane.

"Yeah yeah...I know."

Celestia chuckles and starts planting kisses on your neck.

"Whoa! Hey! Not in the middle of the street, eh?"

Celly leans up and whipsers into your ear. "Perhaps we should get off the street, then~"

You should have a response to this, your normally do.

Normally.

"Uh...what?"

Celly laughs. "Don't think I didn't see you looking at my flank~...Come on, there has to be someplace I can steal you away to for a while~"

You look this way and that and find a small alcove hidden off to the side of the street.

"Uh..."

"Perfect~!" Celestia says before trotting in there with considerably more sway to her hips than before.

It's later in the afternoon now. You're laying down on the ground with Celestia laying next to you, rubbing her hooves down your chest and planting kisses on the underside of your chin.

"Mhmmm~ You were fantastic as always, dear~" she says before setting down on your shoulder.

"Heh...yeah. That was...actually pretty awesome. You were pretty into it."

She nuzzles you again. "Hard not to be~"

You both lay there under the shade of a nearby tree watching the clouds go by.

"Today was...good."

"Yes." Celestia says stretching out. "Very good indeed."

"You enjoy being like this, don't you?"

She sighs contentedly. "So much...I'm reminded of how everything used to be if only for a day."

"Heh. I doubt I'd live through older you."

"I think you'd have managed well enough." Celestia says planting a kiss on your lips. "Thank you for letting my stay this way for a while, dear."

You reach up and scratch her ears.

"Yeah well...you're pretty cool like this."

Celestia closes her eyes and smiles wistfully as the springtime breeze starts to lull you both to sleep...

"SISTER ARE YOU OUT HERE?!"

RIGHT BEFORE THE SHOUTING WAKES YOU BACK UP.

The two of you spring up and look around, spotting Luna flying over in the distance.

"LUNA WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU PLAYIN' AT? WE WERE RELAXING!"

Luna balks in the sky and flutters over, landing a few feet away. "Oh stars! It's worse than I feared!"

She grips Celestia's face with both hooves. "Sister! Sister we have to change you back post haste!"

You bat Luna's hooves away.

"Why? We're enjoying ourselves like this, can't we just wait for it to wear off?"

"No we most certainly cannot!" she shouts.

"Oh come on! She raised the moon for you for a thousand years, you're telling me you can't raise the sun for her for a few days?"

"It's not that, Brother-in-law!"

You both cock an eyebrow. "Mother and Father are coming to visit!"

The fun and joy of the day promptly melted away. And was replaced with mind numbing terror.

Family Incident.

Panic was an appropriate word to use to describe everything at the moment. From Luna's levitating the two of you in her grip and flying you over the city to your room to Celestia's thousand yard glare to your own mental breakdown at the news.

The parents in law were coming to visit. The incredibly harsh and not very nice King Cosmos was coming to visit. And Celestia was still looking like a seventeen year old.

You're just a mite frazzled.

Luna lands on your balcony and all but throws the two of you onto the bed. "I must prepare myself! They'll be here for supper so you two must make haste!"

With that she rockets off back to her own room.

You roll off the bed rubbing the back of your neck. "Okay...I figure if we leave RIGHT NOW, we can get enough of a head start on your dad to crash the carriage into Abbadon's Fury and be done with it."

Celestia gets up and trots over to her beauty desk. "We both know that won't work dear...He'd be able to find us in a heartbeat."

Stupid scary hyper-god horse...

"Why can't your dad just be one of those guys who brings me into his trophy room with the dozens of animal heads on the wall? That'd be so much easier..."

"Heh. You don't want to see his trophy room, dear."

You start rummaging through your good suits, no real time for a shower.

"So how bad will it be when he sees you and smells the sex stank coming off us?"

"Hopefully nothing Mother cannot assuage..." Celestia says as she pulls the comb through her pink hair.

Yeah...Galaxia and Luna were probably your only ace in this hole.

You pick out ties, settling on the red one. It'd help you go faster in the event you had to run.

...Here's hoping it would help.

"Hey...if something, like, happens tonight I-"

"Not another word."

You cock an eyebrow and look at Celestia. "Nothing is going to happen, darling. We're US! The two world champions of escaping trouble. And I wager that if we can survive each other, we can survive my father."

You smile. "Hope your confidence pays off, babe..."

-Theme Song-

Waiting for Galaxia and Cosmos to show up was always nerve wracking. The three of you...just standing alone in the dining hall silently waiting for the portal to wherever they lived to open up.

It was enough to drive a guy to drink but the damned servants didn't leave any out.

You're halfway through your plan to escape this when twin portals of light and dark open up in the center of the room and two alicorns trot out.

As they do, the ones standing to your side run forward to greet them, each shouting "Mommy! Daddy!"

The family sans you embraces as you make your way over to them.

"Oh my girls! So long has it been since I saw you last!" Galaxia coos.

Cosmos looks Celestia over. "Although not that long by the looks of it..."

Celly clears her throat. "Relax father, it was simply a magical mishap, easily fixable."

He cocks an eyebrow. "Then why hasn't it been fixed?"

You interject. "You kinda snuck up on us with this visit, Cosmos."

His brow furrows. "We sent a missive..."

Shit. when was the last time you even checked the mail?

"You know how the postal service is."

He snorts. "Yes..."

You nod to Galaxia. "Your Highness."

She nods back with a warm smile. "Sir Mous."

Galaxia had always been cool with you, one thing you weren't afraid of showing was that. If only to piss off Cosmos.

Luna clasps her hooves together. "Well! Shall we sit down to eat?"

"Oh! Heck yeah!" Celly says.

You almost laugh.

"I could eat." you say instead.

Cosmos and Galaxia trot towards the table, only Galaxia speaking up with a "Thank you, sweetheart."

Okay...

You take your seat next to Celly. Now you just had to survive dinner.

"And so then Pippen burst out of the water on the serpent's back shouting "I'm the king of the Pirates, I am!" Luna says laughing.

The rest of you don't say anything, all too busy taking sips from your drinks.

It was always wise to preoccupy yourself whenever Luna went on about Pip...lest you say something to make her FREAK.

You and Celly have spent the majority of the dinner silent, wanting to ignore the dragon in the room and hoping that Cosmos and Galaxia would do the same.

That turns out to be stupid to think.

"So how did this...mishap happen?" Cosmos asks.

You and Celestia both practically choke on your food and look at each other.

"Uh..."

"Well, you see..."

Cosmos huffs. "Out with it, the both of you."

Okay, you can do this.

"Well..." you start.

"You see..."

"She was casting a spell."

"At noon."

"Using the power of the high sun."

"And I was too slow and the spell misfired."

"Everything went CUH-RAZY."

"Because I redirected the energy."

"And when the smoke cleared, she was like this."

"Because the redirected energy flowed back into me and this was the result."

The two of you smile at your lie. Cosmos sips his drink. "...What was the spell?"

"What?" you both say in unison.

He sets his cup down. "The spell, what was it?"

Celly waves a hoof. "Pshaw, don't worry daddy! Just a little alteration spell."

"For?"

Celestia coughs. "Haha what?"

"What was the spell for?" Cosmos asks, glaring down his long snout at Celestia next to you.

Shit. That gaze scares even you, you can only guess what Celly's feeling.

"It was *mumble*"

"Speak up, child."

"Hey-"

"I am speaking to my daughter." Cosmos booms, making everyone at the table flinch.

"...The bedroom." Celestia says quiet as a mouse.

"What."

She clears her throat. "The spell was uh...for the bedroom, dad."

For a minute you could hear a pin drop in the room. At least before Cosmos smashed his hoof on the table.

Everyone recoils at the loud sound of hoof on wood.

"Enough." Cosmos says.

"...Daddy?" Luna asks.

"Hush, Luna. I am speaking to your sister."

"Doesn't sound li-"

"You I do not even have the patience to tell to hush, human."

Cosmos turns to Celestia. "I have had enough of this. I have had enough of ignoring it all."

Galaxia rolls her eyes and reaches out with her hoof. "Dear..."

"No! For millennia we have ignored her...proclivities whenever we speak to her! Hoping silently that it would solve itself and she could become a proper ruler!"

You stand out of your chair."Hey!"

"I AM TALKING." Cosmos booms.

That actually shuts you up. Dammit! That was your trick!

Cosmos looms over Celestia. "For an eternity I have watched you gallivant around, child. Most of the time you have the good sense to not make a SHOW of it! But now we have combined forces of your insatiable lust with your past inhibitions? There wouldn't be a mare or stallion safe for miles!"

Celestia actually looks away at that and you've had enough.

"Hey asshole!"

He ignores you. "And not only have you not fixed it, but you say that the REASON for it is because of your perversions in the first place!?"

"I have orally pleasured Celestia in the middle of a diplomatic meeting before!"

Cosmos blinks twice and turns to you. "You did -WHAT-?"

"Lied just now, but it shut you up. Lay the fuck off, man! What the hell kind of father are you to say that to her?"

"Dear!" Celestia shouts.

Cosmos huffs. "The kind of father who is concerned about how this will affect her reputation as a ruler in the years down the line."

"Her reputation's fine, there isn't a pony for hundreds of miles who doesn't love her."

"Which is the problem here, isn't it? There isn't a pony within that hundred miles who HASN'T loved her at least once!"

"Screw you!"

Cosmos gets out of his chair, Galaxia is already out of hers trying to play peacemaker. Luna just watches.

"Will the both of you sit dow-" Galaxia tries to get out.

"I will not sit here and be lectured on how my daughter should act by an alien!" Cosmos interrupts.

"And I won't let someone who's been out of civilization for thousands of years insult my wife!"

Cosmos huffs black smoke from his nostrils. You take your chance despite Celestia urging you to stop silently behind you.

"You have to accept that this is who your daughter is, man! And your job as a parent isn't to force her into something she's not suited for. The fact that the kingdom is doing well should show that she can do both!"

Galaxia and Cosmos look to their daughter.

"And this is TEMPORARY! It can be changed back whenever and she's so happy like this!"

Celestia nods her head. "I am, daddy...so happy to relive this."

Cosmos glances between Celestia, you, Luna, and Galaxia before sighing.

"You two are right about one thing..." Cosmos' horn glows in a black light. "This is temporary."

The blast shoots out from Cosmos' horn in an instant and strikes Celestia, filling the room with blinding light. For the second time today, your stomach drops.

"CELLY!"

You hear fabric ripping as Cosmos pours on the magic and Galaxia and Luna watch in open mouthed shock.

The magic show ends as quickly as it began and in the place of the Celestia you had seen throughout today there now sat the one you had seen throughout the marriage.

Older, bigger, ethereally pastel haired Celestia.

She lifts her hoof and picks up the tattered pieces of the dress she had magicked to fit her. A range of emotions play over her face before she simply utters. "O-oh..." defeated.

At least that's what you caught.

"THAT'S IT!"

You're on the table in an instant and tackling Cosmos to the ground in a few more. The Space-King grunts as you crash to the ground and your fist meets his face.

"YOU ABSOLUTE FUCK!" You keep hammering him. "YOU PIECE OF TRASH EXCUSE FOR A FATHER!"

"Stop this at once!" Galaxia shouts followed by Luna's own "Please!"

"SHE WAS HAPPY LIKE THAT!"

"Mous stop!" gets your attention.

You look at back and see Celestia standing in the tatters of her dress before looking at yourself straddling Cosmos with your fist in the air and his horn glowing.

"Get off me before I atomize you, ape."

You smack him in the nose. "You don't have the balls to try, shitlord."

His horn glows brighter and you get ready to go before Celestia shouts "BOTH OF YOU STOP!"

The two of you look back at her. "Don't...fight over this." she says "I've suffered worse."

The fire in your gut re-ignites. "Are you NUTS? You were so happy like that and he ruined it! He deserves it!"

Celly shakes her head. "Dear we...both knew this was temporary at best." she says with no small amount of disappointment.

"I..."

You look at Cosmos, Galaxia, Luna, and finally your wife.

"I...can't be here right now."

You roll off Cosmos and walk out of the room with your hands in your pockets.

Canterlot Castle had a sizable lake in the gardens. The cool blue waters helped dozens of guards and city officials relax by sitting at their edges. They weren't helping you too much.

The surface of the water ripples as you toss the flattest stone you can find across it and hope for a skipper. Anon had taught you how to do this at summer camp once, but it always eluded you, as the sinking stone proved.

As the water settles, it reflects the twilight sky in its depths and takes on a familiar color.

That of Cosmos coat. Your body moves on its own and grabs a rock the size of your head before chucking it into the lake.

"GRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

The splash doesn't reach you, but you couldn't care less.

"...Stupid god-horse in-law."

"...Dear?" someone says.

You whirl around and spot Celestia standing in a nearby archway. she was without her dress, probably disposing of the tatters before she came.

You sigh and sit down. "Hey...shouldn't you be with your dad? I imagine he's positively livid."

Celestia walks over and sits lays down next to you. "I'd imagine he is...but I find myself not caring."

"Huh? Don't you have, like, family duties or something?"

Celly tilts her head. "I do but...he has Luna and Mother to console his wounded ego. I think I can put my presence to better use here..."

You let out a deep sigh and lean against Celestia, she wraps her wing around you. "Sorry for assaulting your dad..."

"It was bound to happen eventually...you're both stubborn oxen."

"You married a guy who's like your dad? Gross..."

Celestia chuckles. "Smart ass."

You watch the moon rise in the sky from the lake.

"Sorry you got changed back..."

Celestia sighs. "It was temporary dear...I nice distraction, but a temporary one. There was no way I could have governed the kingdom like that..."

"But you were so happy like that..."

Celly nuzzles your face a bit. "I can be happy like this too..."

You return the nuzzles. "Your dad still jumped the gun when he did that..."

"Oh don't I know it. I wish I could concoct a scheme like I did when I was younger to get back at him like I did."

At mention of the word scheme, one hatches in your mind. A wonderful and un-ignorable one.

"...I may have one."

Celly looks into your eyes and smirks. "Oh~?"

Take two.

"Is my tie on straight?"

You hear her groan ahead of you and look back. "I told you on the train, your tie is fine! Stop messing with it!"

No. It had to be right. You go against her wishes and fiddle with your tie some more, intent on getting it just a -bit- more straight.

"Dash, cut me some slack here! It's a big day and I've got a big part to play! I have to look my best."

Rainbow Dash brings a hoof to her face and shakes her head. "Anon, you've been fretting about this for days! You know he didn't even invite us to the first one, right?"

You wince and think back. "It...wasn't really a planned event then."

Yeah, she'd buy that.

"Bull."

Ohfuckshesnotbuyingit.

"Come on Dash! You know how little he plans stuff!"

"Can't hurt to start!" she says.

You cock an eyebrow and point around at the dozen ponies standing around outside of the ceremonial hall mingling. This event was one that practically the entire city was taking a day for.

That lucky placates Dash. "I don't even think the royal wedding had this much pomp thrown at it..." she says looking about.

"Well...this is a bit bigger than the royal wedding, Dash."

Dash smirks. "Think we'll have another Changeling attack?"

"Not if Mous's letters are true..."

Seriously? Shitting in them? He's nothing if not unique...

You look at your watch, a little past 10. "Come on, we both have stuff we have to take care of before this starts."

Dash adjusts her dress and tiara and follows you. "Yeah yeah..."

As the two of you enter into the hall, you pass a sign that lets everypony know what's going on here. "Royal Wedding Vows Renewal Ceremony" it says.

-Theme Song (It's different this time!) -

-Mous PoV-

You've been staring into the mirror for the past minute. "Is my tie on straight?"

Anon looks over from his corner of the room. "No less straight than mine."

You grimace. "Because -that's- so helpful! What kind of best man are you?"

Anon chuckles and walks over to you. "The kind of best man who's still annoyed that he only gets to see his bro get married the second time."

"I thought I told you that I don't really plan things?"

"Yeah well it can't hurt to start." he says.

Fucking tie.

"Gah. You're, like, the worst best man ever."

"I blame you, you were a shit best man at my wedding."

"Oh yeah, because I was only one of the primary reasons you two idiots got together in the first place."

"By kicking us out of the house for four days!"

"Hey! I had to watch my two horny bosses those four days so don't give me any lip!"

Anon rolls his eyes and shakes his head.

"How are those two, anyway?" you ask.

You get introspective at weddings.

"Good. Really good. The spa's doing well, something about a pickup in business after they told everyone that the new Prince used to work there."

"Blasted Easterners using my good name to sell their wares."

"Aloe is still with Caramel and if memory serves Lotus met one of AJ's relatives at the last Apple Family Reunion."

You turn to him. "Wait, it's not the one with the hair, is it?"

Anon taps his chin. "Come to think of it, I do remember some nice looking hair..."

You throw your arms up. "GAH! WHAT IS IT WITH EVERYONE I PEG FOR GAY ACTUALLY BEING STRAIGHT!?"

Anon laughs at your misfortune. "Your Gaydar was always shit anyway."

You grumble and o back to your tie before Anon steps in. "Oh let me."

As Anon fixes your piece of shit bow tie, you look yourself over in the mirror. "I look like a polished turd..."

"You always say that."

"It's always true."

Anon laughs once. "...Nervous?"

No.

"Kinda."

Anon finishes up and steps back. "Yeah, well, don't be. I'm sure Celestia feels the same way."

"Suuuure she is, man. Sure she is."

-Celestia PoV-

By the stars you're nervous. This blasted dress had more fabric on it than all the drapes in the castle combined.

"Luna, do I really have to wear this?"

Your sister spins around in a chair behind you. "Of course, sister! Don't you want to look good for your wedding?"

You magic a brush over to you and run it through your hair. That ought to help take your mind off how easy it would be to trip in this ridiculous dress. "It's a renewal of vows, Luna, I'm already married."

Luna scowls and trots over to you. "Call it what you may, but this is the ceremony in which your people FINALLY get to see you at the altar! Like it or not this is your wedding, Celestia!"

You groan. "I still don't see why I need all this...I got married the first time without a dress just fine."

Luna rolls her eyes. "Because father came to this wedding only after much persuading by mother, I can't imagine how he'd react if he saw you without a dress."

"It'd at least be entertaining..."

"Tch. Now you sound like your husband."

You grin as you finish combing your mane. "Perhaps I shall endeavor to do that more, then!"

Luna titters. "I doubt the kingdom would survive two of him.

"You have that right, sister..."

A silent moment passes between the two of you.

"Are you nervous?" Luna asks.

You sigh and flare a wing. "Only that this dress will catch on every possible snare on the way down the aisle."

Luna trots to the door giggling. "Have faith, sister. I'm going to go prepare to conduct the ceremony, but I'll see you soon!"

With that, Luna's out the door. You look yourself over in the mirror and force a smile.

...You needed to get out.

You magic open the door to your room and call out. "Cadence, are you out there?"

"I am Aunt Celestia! Do you need something?" comes a response.

"No! Just...letting you know that I'm going to go stretch my legs for a bit!"

That would calm you down. You hope.

-Mous PoV-

You decided to take a walk, clear your head. Mostly to get away from Anon, though. He could tie a tie, sure, but he fucking strangulated you with it. God forbid he tries to tighten your belt and snaps your spine.

You walk through the calls of the chapel with your hands in your pockets, thinking about the day.

The big...big day. Uhg. It was all so much easier when you just eloped. You didn't have to impress anyone.

You come up on a divider erected to ensure that the bride and groom wouldn't see one another before the ceremony. From the other side of it, you can hear a distinctive *tink tink tink*.

"I'd know those golden horseshoes anywhere."

They don't even jump in surprise. "Ah...hello dear." Celestia says from beyond the veil. "It would make sense that we'd run into each other here."

"Yeah...just our luck, huh?"

"Mmm."

You place your hand on the divider and lean into it "Anon practically choked me with my tie."

"Luna wants me to wear some ridiculous dress."

"I can't WAIT to see the glare your dad will give me when I walk out there."

"And I can only imagine Twilight's reaction..."

The two of you sigh. "Makes one long for the days of Las Pegasus."

"If only just to get away from it."

You lean back against the divider and sit down "Still, good to see we're keeping with tradition."

"Hmm?"

"Our first time was over a bet and this time is to piss off your dad. It's good to see we still aren't doing things for the right reasons."

Celly chuckles and a long moment passes.

"Still...this is what you want to do...right?"

You hear Celestia shuffle on her end. "Is it what you want to do...?"

You mull that question over and twiddle your fingers. A year or two ago you'd be avoiding this like the plague but here you are in a ceremony that was YOUR idea.

"...Yeah, guess I do. How things change, eh?"

Celly chuckles. "They do indeed..."

"Let's see if we can get through this without a song, okay?"

She chuckles again, a bit throatier this time. "You shouldn't have said that, dear."

Oh hell.

-Music-

You heard the sound of Celly's magic followed by the soft sound of strings flowing in from the main ballroom.

"When you wed the Queen of Stars..." Celly's voice seems to be the only thing in the room but it has no problem filling it. "Makes no difference who you are!"

"Anything that I desire...Is what we'll do."

Oh hell naw. You join in.

"That is unless they're not a twit...and if they don't put up with your shit!"

"When I wed the Queen of Stars...I made her stew."

You hear Celestia snicker on her end.

"Fate is strange...She brings to those like us. The thing we may not want but find we need..."

You find yourself laughing. "God, you're still tone deaf as all hell."

"And your voice still sounds like an animal going through a tractor~"

"Where did you even HEAR this song?"

"It was in one of your movies you brought with you when you moved in."

"You butcher it."

"WE butcher it." she corrects.

You roll your eyes.

"From a song played during sex..."

"In our souls we now infect!"

"When you wed the Queen of Stars...You find something new..."

You lean back against the divider and smile.

"You find something new." Celly finishes.

The music fades and you hear Celestia sigh contentedly.

"That was nice..." you say.

"Yes...very..."

You rap a knuckle on the divider. "I'll see you out there, kay?"

"Promise me you won't be half way to Saddle Arabia by the time I get there?"

You laugh and stand, putting your hands in your pockets. "Come on, Celly. Where's the fun in that?"

You stand at the altar with your hands behind your back waiting. Anon's behind you, Cadence and Twilight are on the opposing side as Mares of Honor. King Cosmos is trying to bore a hole in your head from his seat in the pews.

Everything was going as planned.

You look over your shoulder. "Keeping an eye out for Cheeselegs?"

"I think we'd smell her before she showed after what you pulled." Anon says.

Oh yeah. The Poop-Bugs.

"It's a gift."

Luna trots through the altar in a dress of her own, a bit less flashy than Celly's supposed dress and takes her place at the altar. "Are you ready, Mous?" she asks.

"Ready as I'll ever be..."

Anon taps his chin. "This all seems incredibly familiar..."

"It's probably just a stroke. Do you smell toast?"

"It would be impolite of me to flip you off at your wedding."

You stifle a laugh and look to the pianist. "Asshole better have gotten my revised music..."

Anon groans. "Don't tell me you did more Star Wars."

"First off, fuck you Star Wars is awesome. Second off, no I did not."

"So what is it THIS time, Meastro?"

You rub the back of your head. "Well, you see when we first really met I play-"

The doors at the end of the chapel swing open. GAHFUCKITWASTIME.

"Youllfindoutinasecond!"

You wave the pianist on.

-Music-

Celestia slowly walks down the aisle, her dress billowing behind her. Holy shit, it was frilly as hell. The sun seems to shine brighter through the windows at her entrance, something you're sure she had a hand in. Everyone stays silent as their princess performs her wedding march, everyone save a sniffling Queen Galaxia. To your surprise, Cosmos even had a grin on his face.

Celestia is followed by those creepy blonde quadruplets you had seen around the castle here and there, each with Celestia's banner on their backs and throwing flower petals. They all spoke at the same time and did the same things, it was fucking creepy.

Celestia takes her place on the altar next to you and mouths "Hey you." underneath the veil.

You mouth it back.

"Gathered friends..." Luan begins. "We are gathered here today to both renew and celebrate the wedding vows these two have shared. While their original wedding was one of...contention to some, we come together here today to do things properly!"

Yeah, screw you too, Luna.

"The couple has said that their vows were lost in the haste in which they were first read, so they have each made their own."

IE: You BS'ed your vows in LP and needed to make new ones from scratch.

Celly turns to you. "Mous...You've bothered and bugged me from the moment we met. Our first...intimate moments were the result of a gross invasion of privacy and it shocks me to no end that you continued to entertain my calls after that."

You roll your eyes.

"But...I'm very glad you did." Celestia says with a smile. "You've always been entertaining and I find myself not falling into...past vices when I'm with you. For making me a better mare, I vow to continue to be the wife you deserve from now till the end of my days."

"So a shitty one?"

Celestia winks. "What you deserve, dear~"

You rub the back of your head. "Celly...You were the biggest slut I'd ever met when I first came here. I mean the first thing I ever saw you talking about was how you were gonna bone a guard later that night and ten minutes after that you said you wanted to shove a banana up my ass, something I'm glad I was able to pay you back for."

The crowd shifts audibly, but fuck them you were a Prince now.

"Those first "intimate moments" were the closest I'd ever come to sexual assault in all my time here and I mostly kept coming back for fear that I'd get shot to the moon if I didn't."

You shrug. "But...I can't say this has been all bad. You were cool enough before we got married and despite the often annoyances, you're cool enough after that as well. I vow the same, to be the husband you deserve till the end of my days, expect a turd in your closet tomorrow."

Anon snickers behind you.

Luna nods. "Be there any in attendance today who have any reason these two should NOT be re-wed?"

Literally everyone turns and looks at Sombra and Discord in the back row.

"...What!?" Discord shouts. "I did my time! Do what you want!"

Sombra raises a hoof. "I actually ha-"

Discord snaps a finger and zips Sombra's mouth shut before waving you both on.

"Good enough for me." Luna says. "May we have the rings?"'

Blueblood levitates the rings over to the two of you and bows.

You take one ring off and slide it down Celestia's horn, almost sure you here an "Unf" come from under the veil.

Before you put on your own ring, you pause and look to the crowd. "It's going on my FINGER this time." you say.

A few chuckles come from the crowd as you both turn back to Luna.

"By the power vested in my as a Princess of Equestria, I now re-pronounce you Man and Wife, you may kiss the bride!"

You flip Celly's veil up and puck up before reeling back. "Did you not brush your teeth todaMMMFF!"

You pull away from Celestia and catch her grinning.

Over the applause and cheers you say "Jesus! Less tongue, woman!"

Luna and Anon both pat you on the back and congratulate you.

"Sister! You simply must go out onto the stairs and greet the public!" Luna says.

You groan. "Can't they just catch it on video?"

Celly sighs. "Come along dear, the masses are waiting!"

You grumble and follow along out of the chapel. "Not like we're any more married than we were yesterday..."

You didn't even get a stag.

The guards open the doors to an absolute FLOOD of noise. For as far as you could see down the street, ponies were lined up. Snapping pictures, waving, holding up babies.

"Is it always like this?"

"Whenever there's a big wedding, yes."

"We should outlaw those.

"You just hate it when people have fun, don't you?"

"They're not having fun correctly, it's false-fun."

The two of you stand there smiling and waving to the crowd, just like you practiced.

"I feel like a sign for a hotel..."

Over the din of the crowd a chant rises up. "KISS! KISS! KISS! KISS!" they cry.

You slide closer to Celly. "They apparently want us to kiss."

"Oh, is my breath somehow better~?"

You cup her chin. "Maybe the smell of old cum has grown on me?"

Celly chuckles and nuzzles your face with hers. "I love you, Mous..."

You laugh once. "Don't spoil the mood, Celly."

The crowd erupts into newfound cheer as you pull your lips together.

-End.

-Credits Song-

Bonus Chapter: Stand In.

Canterlot.
Early fucking morning, like, pre-sun-up.

You doze soundly on your back, wrapped in the finest sheets a Prince-Consort's reputation could get, so pretty damn nice ones. Besides you, the impossibly wide ass of your wife Princess Celestia sleeps with her mouth wiiiiide open. And down the hall, your new tenant starts screaming up a storm.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"

You groan and grumble as whatever you were dreaming about is destroyed by the sound, Celestia tosses and turns similarly next to you. Oh fuck you, not again.

"Your daughter is screaming again..." you say.

Her tail whips you in the leg. "Before sunrise, she's YOUR daughter."

"Fuck off, you need to raise the sun soon anyway..."

"I'm the monarch and I need my sleep."

You curl up into a blanket ball. "Nuuuuh!"

Celestia grumbles and lifts her head up. "Daddy will be there soon, sweetheart!"

Oh fuck you, that was dirty.

Your legs swing out over the bed even as you tell them not to. "I swear on my non-grave, I'm getting you back for this."

"Oh just do it."

You slog your way through the dark apartment and through the cracked open door into the nursery. Inside is a crib. Inside that crib is a tiny little filly of white coat and blue mane with gold highlights. She was currently making you deaf.

You reach in and rub your finger over her cheek. "Astra. Astra, Asty, daddy needs you to stop now please."

She keeps crying. Balls.

Okay, you can do this, you're a good daddy. You pick her up and sniff her butt. To your relief, it's not rank. That narrows it down. You put your baby girl on your shoulder and begin patting her back.

It's times like this you use her calming song. Luckily it seems your musical taste was genetic.
"We'll run away together, we'll spend some time forever, we'll never feel bad anymore." You pop your hips as you sing the beat, Astra calming down on your shoulder. You needed to do SOMETHING to stay awake.

To your infinite relief, Astra burps and settles into your shoulder after a few moments.

Ha...

"That's my girl..."

You walk in on Celly a few hours later after having fallen asleep with Astra on your shoulder. She's brushing her hair after raising the sun over the horizon.

Astra coos and reaches her tiny hooves out towards her mother. "Abbababababa!" Celestia chuckles and floats the foal over to her, rubbing their noses together. "Yyyyes! Who's my favorite little girl?"

"Don't talk to my daughter like she's a moron."

"Talking like this to a five month old is not calling her a moron." Celestia answers.

"Babies can understand how you talk to them even at that age, talk to her like a normal person, like with dogs."

"Did you just call our child a dog?" she asks offended.

You snap your fingers. Behind you, Astra perks up. "Bark bark!" she says.

Celestia can see your shit eating grin from here. "You did that to annoy me."

"No shit."

"Is that all our daughter is to you? Another scheme to make my hair go grey?" she asks with a lip quiver.

You throw your hands up and put on your offended voice. "GOOD HEAVENS, NO!"

You walk over and kiss Astra on the forehead next to her horn. "She's my totally adorable little scheme to make your hair go grey and I love her to death."

"Ababababbooababab!"

You rub her cheeks and giggle. "And I better be the only boy getting near that horn for sixteen years!" you say extra cheery.

Celestia rolls her eyes. "So restrictive. I was courting boys before that age."

"It shows."

She rolls her eyes again, this time frowning.

You kiss her cheek and hand Astra over again. "Relax, you make it work."

The sight of her little girl warms the Slut Queen's heart and she smiles again, albeit probably reluctantly. "Yes, well, get dressed and I'll clean her so we can go to breakfast."

"She's just gonna get dirty again."

Celly shrugs. "Like parents like children."

"Aaaaaaaahhh..."

"Thaaat's it, a little more. Here comes the dirigible."

"She doesn't know what that is, dear." Celestia says.

"Are you calling my girl stupid?"

You make a puttering sound with your lips as you guide the spoon full of baby chow into Astra's mouth. "Mmmmmmmm!" she says slurping down the squash flavored gunk. Of course, Astra was a baby and was thus wearing just as much of the food as she ate.

The both of you were. At the breakfast table no less. You didn't really care.

Astra smiles as you wipe some of the food off her cheek and feed it to her.

"Nummy?"

"Baaabebababe!"

You smile.

Across the table, Luna looks at the two of you with slight frown. "Should not the food be getting IN her instead of ON her?" she asks.

You shoot Luna a tired glare, this was not a new question. "What are you, the eating critic now?"

Luna scoffs and eats her morning dinner. "We simply wish to ensure that our niece receives the proper nutrition. Especially considering the circumstances of her birth."

You wince and continue feeding. Astra's conception had always been a bit...touchy. It came as no surprise to literally anyone in the entire kingdom that you and Celestia had a lot of sex, and by law of averages, she would conceive a large number of children.

You remember a long while ago when you were both scared she was pregnant. You went to the doctor and he told you that Celestia's body, in absorbing so much solar radiation, would abort any fetus that formed inside of it before it could develop.

So imagine your surprise when one took and held.

You both saw the sonogram, the little tiny shape forming in her belly with the smallest beating heart you had ever seen. And for some reason, it was still going, despite the solar radiation. Theories about why it could be abounded, but you both decided you didn't care. Neither of you had it in you to not let this fighter of a child have a chance at life.

You're sure that that aspect of her came from you.

"Come on Asty, eat more so you can be big and strong." you say.

You press the spoon against her mouth but she doesn't budge her lips an inch, turning away from you and grunting.

"Mous dear, I think she's done."

"She can't be done, she only ate half of it!"

You press again but the littlest Princess stubbornly refuses to allow you passage.

Celly chuckles behind you. "Yes, well I think half is enough for now. Now get your rear in gear, we have to meet this sitter."

Luna arches her eyebrow. "Sitter?"

You climb out of your chair and grab Astra as she squeals "Ap ap ap!" That was so cute, it was the closest she was getting to a real word.

"Yeah. Either me or Celly has been staying back to watch Astra or we've been taking her with us pretty much every day since we brought her home. We need a break."

"Does she not sleep earlier than the two of you? Surely you can squeeze some time to yourselves in there." Luna says.

Celestia sighs and looks at her. "No sister, we need a BREAK."

That hangs in the air for a second before Luna gets it and you resist the urge to bury your face in your palm. "O-oh. Well then. Have a er, nice...evening?"

You wordlessly cradle Astra and leave the room.

Celestia and you walk down one of the many hallways in the palace after making a stop at your rooms. Celestia floats a baby bag ahead of her as she rifles through it.

"Did you pack the diapers?"

"Yes."

"What about her toys?"

"Yes Celly."

"What about her flash cards?"

"I think those are dumb, but yes."

"The milk?"

You shudder. "Yes, your freaky tit milk is in the goddamn bag at the bottom, where I can't accidentally see it."

"Oh stop, your head has been down there enough."

"Yeah but milk is NOT what I want to come out, gross-ass."

Celly shakes her head. "You need to live a little, dear."

You're not going to ask about that. There is probably a story there and if you ask, she'll only tell you. You reach the room you told her to meet you in and step inside. Seated at a table inside was a unicorn with a vibrant orange coat and red mane with blonde streaks.

Celestia's face softens a tad, but you can see a hint of annoyance flash behind her eyes.

"Sunset Shimmer..." she says.

The mare stands and throws her hair back. "Princess Celestia."

"Isn't she supposed to bow?"

Celestia floats the bag over to Sunset. "Inside you'll find all you need to watch her. Her toys, diapers, milk."

You shudder a bit.

"Are there flashcards in here?" Shimmer asks rooting through the bag.

You sigh.

Celestia nods. "There are, but it may be a bit early for her to be learning them."

Shimmer looks at Celestia through slitted eyes. "Of course you would think that..."

"Is she allowed to say that?"

Celestia's face flickers the slightest. "Yes, well, you may use the room down the hall, Shimmer."

Goddammit, she's ignoring you again.

Celestia floats Astra out of your arms and in front of her face. "Mommy and daddy are going to let you play with her old student, sweetheart. Can you say bye bye?"

Astra tilts her head to the side and her bottom lip quivers ever so slightly. "Oh baby no. Come here Mous, assure her."

You groan and walk over to your daughter, you scratch the bottom of her chin and nuzzle her face. "It's alright sweety. You'll see Mommy and Daddy after you play with this..." your vision drifts over to shimmer. "lady."

Shimmer scoffs at your nickname but Astra smiles a bit and nuzzles your nose.

"Hehe..."

You kiss the top of her head and let Celestia do the same before Shimmer floats the foal over to herself and puts her in a harness. "Alright little Princess. Sunset Shimmer is going to teach you aaaaaaallll about the world in ways that your parents couldn't."

She trots out of the room looking at the confused baby and heads down the hall, already starting a lecture on her views on magic.

"...Why are we letting that egomaniac around our daughter?" you ask Celestia.

She sighs. "Because I let you around her and because she's got a fragile ego, I'm hoping to fit in one last lesson."

"She's not your student anymore."

"We never stop learning."

You sigh in response. "And what would this lesson be?"

Celestia sticks her head out the door and looks down the hall. "That there are some who just don't care about what she can and can't do."

Celestia pulls back in and looks at you with a small frown. "This will be the longest we've been away from her..."

"You're not going to drag me to go spying on her, are you?"

"Only if you promise not to barge in there and take Astra back before she's due."

You mull that over and look around. "I had only gotten to phase two of the plan..."

Celestia chuckles and kisses the top of your head. You grunt. "Dear, promise me you'll never change."

"Alright."

You reach your arm up and flick Celestia's horn.

*sproing*

Celestia FREAKS OUT and starts vibrating in tune with her horn. "AAABABBABABBABABABABABABAASTARD!"

"Pffftaahahahahahaha! Oh that never gets old!"

You wipe a tear from your eye as you watch Celestia dance an uncomfortable jig and eventually settle. "I am getting you back for that..." she says rubbing her horn.

"Oh yeah? How?"

Celly shoots a look back at you with lidded eyes and a smirk. And then you remember why you were letting Astra go today.

"...Oh."

"Yup~"

She lifts you up off the ground and makes for the door. NOPE. You reach out and grab the door frame, stopping yourself.

Celestia sighs. "REALLY!? After -ALL- this time, still?"

Yes after all this time. She STILL could not be allowed to win. You stay resolute.

"Hey, you may have got rid of the small baby but now you got the big one!"

Bonus Story: Trial Seperation.

It was another day in Equestria. Scratch that, it was a PERFECT day in Equestria.

You were relaxing on your bed. Astra was soundly asleep and kicking her little toddler hooves in a pleasant dream. Celestia way sitting next to you with a large strip of duct tape over her nagging mouth.

”Mmmmfffff!” she grunts in protest.

Yep. Perfect day.

“Can’t hear you, enjoying myself.” You say, pillow over your head.

”Mmmmffffffff!!”

You silently stroke Astra’s ears in her sleep. Your little baby girl had grown faster than you could have thought in the last few years, now only slightly smaller than the average filly her age and even speaking words and broken sentences. Yes, soon you would be sending your precious daughter out into the world among all the little colts who grew up dreaming of wisking a beautiful princess off her hooves.

You were considering getting a machete to prepare.

But you couldn’t do that if Celestia didn’t stop the rhythmic thumping against your chest she was doing.

”Mfffff! Mff mff mfffff!!!”

“OH MY GOD, WHAT?”

You hated being woken up.

You reach over and rip the duct tape off Celestia’s mouth to- ”AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Celestia throws the pillow off your head and grabs your face, staring at you with wide eyes. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” she shouts.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!” you shout.

-Theme song -

You wake up and fall out of bed in a panic. Your hands fly around in a panic, grabbing the first solid object you could use as a weapon. It happens to be a lamp that you brandish like a spear while Celestia sits straight up and screams.

“GAH! WHAT WHAT? WHAT’S GOING ON? JESUS!”

Celestia sits in the bed panting just in time for Luna to come bursting through the door.

”Sister, did you see it too!?” Luna yells almost in her Royal voice, eyes wide in terror.

”He’s coming!” Celestia shouts back.

“He is not! He’s standing here holding a fucking lamp wondering what the hell is going on!”

Luna and Celestia both look at you, still frantic.

Uhh… “Aaaand he’s annoyed he got woken up at-“ You look at the clock “-3:38 in the goddamn morning! What the hell is up with you two?”

Celestia rolls out of bed and quickly puts on her royal jewelry, heading for the door. “Mous, any other time, I would happily indulge your…whatever it is you have, but not right now.”

You continue to stand there, lamp still brandished. “My whatever that is my curiosity to know why you two harpies are screaming at this ungodly hour?”

Celestia hurries out the door with her sister and gallops down the hallway. “There’s no time!” she shouts back, leaving you staring at her butt as she runs away.

You’re goddamn right there’s no time…

You put the lamp down and crawl back into bed. “No time for this bullshit is what there’s no time for…”

You close your eyes and attempt to pursue that wonderful dream you were having, except this time you’re also contemplating how you can burn down the castle too.

-A few days later-

”Dada, hungee.”

“I know sweety, hang on, we’re almost there.”

You cradle Astra in your arms while the two of you travel through the palace halls towards breakfast.

Ever since Celestia had woken up that one morning, she’d been jetting around between Canterlot, the Crystal Kingdoms, everywhere but home. On the plus side, it let you bond with Asty. On the negative side, she was a handful of a toddler.

Still, a father’s work is never done.

You hold Astra up to your face while you walk. “You think we’ll see mammy at breakfast today?”

Astra tilts her head to the side, the golden locks of her trimmed mane falling in her eyes. “Where mammy?”

Uhhh…

“She’s been busy the last few days, sweetie. Big important princess stuff.”

”Why?”

God dammit, not this again.

“So all the ponies can live happy.”

”Why?”

“Because it’s her job.”

”Why?”

“Because her mammy picked her to.”

”Why?”

“Because somewhere along the line, people thought a genetic hierarchy was a better way of choosing their leaders than electoral process.”

”…Why?”

You sigh. “Why is but the form following the function of what.”

Astra tilts her head some more. “Wha…?”

“Don’t tilt your head, you’ll hurt yourself.”

You use your thumb and guide Astra’s head back to the correct position before you cradle her again. Grammar always made her shut up.

You walk out through a door onto the walkway that connects the living quarters to the rest of the castle proper. Down below, you can see several guards scrambling and shouting to one another to move faster. “…What in the hell-“

You’re cut off by a loud BOOM and the castle rumbling.

-Music-

In the time it takes your heart to beat, you’re bent over and crouched down, holding Astra close to your chest and only thinking one thought; “Protect daughter”.

Something was wrong.

You look down at Astra in your arms and quickly scan her over for any cuts or bruises. ”Dada?” she coos.

“Not now, sweetie. We need to find mommy.”

You start walking at a quickened pace as more explosions shake the halls. ”Ignore it”, you think. “Ignore the rumbling, ignore the guards freaking out and running to and fro, and ignore the magister’s tower lighting up. Just keep walking and find Celestia. Don’t let the girl catch on. Protect your daughter.”

“Astra? Where do we find mommy? Do you remember?”

You keep Astra’s head turned towards you with a gentle hand behind it, you had to keep her from freaking out as much as you were.

The filly ponders. “Uhhm…chair room?”

The throne.

“A good guess, probably true. Can you name somewhere else mommy is?”

”Nummys!”

The dining hall.

You round the corner and slide past Shining Armor as he runs down the hallway towards another shattering explosion.

Keep her looking at you. “All good answers, sweetie. Why don’t we check some of those places?”

Astra claps her hooves together at the idea and then drifts her eyes around. “Wha happen?”

“I’ve got no idea, honey. CELESTIA!”

You round another corner on the way to the throne room and keep shouting.

“CELESTIA! ASTRA AND I ARE LOOKING FOR YOU NOW!”

Come on come on… Another explosion rocks the hall and sends you teetering to the side. You prop yourself up on the wall and call again.

“SUNBUTT!”

”Mous!” comes a voice from outside the window.

You look in the window in time to see an alabaster white horse practically fall in and smack into the wall behind you.

”Mammy!” Astra laughs.

You rush over to your wife. She looked…extraordinarily haggard at the moment. She can join the club.

“Celly. What the H-E-double-hockey-sticks is going on right now?”

Rearing a child had taught you how to avoid cursing.

Celestia rights herself and looks at the two of you, her expression if fear softening just a bit. “You…you’re both safe…thank the stars in the sky, you’re both safe.”

”Mammy! Mammy!” Astra squees, holding her hooves out and trying to wriggle to her.

“Yes yes, we’re both fine. Now I repeat, what the shitake is going on?”

Celestia grabs you by the arm and begins to pull you down the hall. “There is no time! You need to go! Now!”

“Celestia, WHAT?”

You pull your arm away and continue to support Astra. Celestia looks back at you both. “Mous we have to go NOW!!”

You’re starting to panic now, she seemed frightened and the castle was shaking. Those explosions hadn’t stopped either.

“WHAT IS EVEN GOING ON-“

The castle shakes again. You grab Astra and go limp, bouncing off the wall as four aftershocks shake the ground. ”WHERE IS SHE?” a voice calls out.

You swallow the lump in your throat and look out the window. Four more stomps herald the arrival of a centaur, one with blood red skin and black eyes lit by infernal fires deep inside. Two sharp and jagged horns rose above his head and he towered as tall as some of the smaller buildings. ”WHERE IS CELESTIA!?” he shouts as a ball of chaotic energy forms between his horns and blasts a beam off into the hills far away.

The castle shakes again as an explosion where he fired goes off. You turn back to Celestia and get your trembling hands under control around Astra, hugging her close. “Okay, lead on.”

“Astra, earmuffs.”

Astra plugs her ears with her hooves as you chase after Celestia who is running through the castle halls and heading down.

“Celly what in crikey-fuck is going on out there!?”

”There’s no time, Mous! He’ll be on us in moments!”

“WHO, WOMAN?”

Celestia rounds a corner and runs down some stairs. “Tirek! He’s escaped Tartarus and now he’s draining the magic of the kingdom! One pony at a time!”

GOD DAMMIT COSMO, THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR JOB.

Celestia bursts through some large wooden doors into a high and long, yet deserted hall. Deserted save for…a mirror?

“Why is he HERE then? And what the Sam Hell is that thing?”

Celestia pulls one of Anon’s catalyst crystals out of her mane, the floor rumbles at what you can only assume is Tirek’s approach underneath your feet.

She should be floating that…

Astra still has her hooves on her ears so you don’t mince words. “Celestia…what is this? What’s going on?”

”There is no time, Mous…he’s getting closer.” Celestia tosses the crystal at the mirror. As the shard strikes the glass, you’re surprised to see ripples form like a pool of water.

“…What in the fuck is this?”

”Something that will send you both away…I need you to take it.”

Whoa. Wait. What?

“That’s…not going to happen, Celestia.” You say turning to her.

You get a good look at her now…her bright and cheerful pastel mane was muted and not moving like it’s supposed to. Her skin was no long pure white but an olive gray. Her normally magenta eyes with that hint of mischief now just looked tired.

“Honey…what happened?”

Celestia opens her mouth to, you can tell, answer you, but whatever she was planning to say gets cut off.

”I CAN FEEL HER MAGIC, CELESTIA! SHOW IT TO ME! NOW!” roars the red devil after you. Celestia’s eyes shrink to the size of pinpricks at the shout.

”There is so much that I wish I could say…but there simply isn’t time…”

You almost get a word of protest out but Celestia lunges forward and puts her lips against yours. It’s not like normal, they’re only there for a few seconds or so, but even with that short time you feel like you’re being told a dozen things she never got to say to you.

You blink twice as she breaks away and the crashing of stone gets loud.

“Celestia…I…”

”Keep her safe, Mous.” You meet her eyes, they’re begging you to listen. ”Above everything else…please keep her safe from him.”

As the crashing and smashing gets closer, Celestia ushers you two right in front of the mirror. She smiles a smile with no joy behind it as she lowers Astra’s hooves with her wings.

”Mammy?” she gets.

Celestia chuckles once and kisses Astra’s head. “Astra…my little star in the sky…I need you to be very brave. You will go with your daddy on an…adventure. You’ll be safe there.”

Astra tilts her head to the side. “Uuuu?”

Celestia nods and closes her eyes, a tear going down her cheek as she turns away. Once she is away, a massive red fist bursts through the door at the end of the hall, you feel Astra duck into your chest and instinctively hold her against you.

With the last her of will, Celestia makes her horn glow a faint gold.

You want to run to her, but your feet don’t move. “Celestia, let us help!”

”You already are, dear…be brave, Astra.”

The last thing you see as Celestia forces you through the portal with her magic is Tirek crashing through the far wall. The last thing you hear is “Mommy loves you very much!”

…Birds. You hear birds. Songbird, sparrow, the occasional raven, but you hear birds. That’s…odd. From what you understand, there are no birds in giant kaleidoscope portals that reside in mirrors. After the sensation of all your nerves firing after Celestia pushed you through the portal, you did not expect birds.

Paying more attention and pulling yourself from the panic you had been feeling, you feel more sensations. You’re laying on something hard and cold, cobblestone you wager. The air is cool against your skin and the air smells like flowers. You feel Astra squirming in your grasp.

Just as you begin to relax from the fetal position around your daughter, you hear the clopping and stopping of hooves.

”What in-what is THAT?”

Your heart lurches and you roll off the ground into a low stance.

“Who-?” Your eyes drift to a unicorn standing before you. He was taller than most, regal, composed, beneficent. The air around him seemed to radiate calmness and collectedness, a pillar in a storm for all around him.

At least that’s what you’d notice if you were paying attention. “Who the hell are you, buddy?” you ask.

He cocks his head to the side. “I could ask you the same.”

“You could but I sure as hell wouldn’t answer it. Who are you, where am I?”

You hug Astra closer to your chest. Whomever this was, he took a few steps forward. “You are in my home, I demand to know you who are.”

You grow angry and point a finger at him. “Listen up fuckstick, I just got home invaded by Satan’s goat-fucking cousin and pushed through a bad Beatles acid trip to get here and I didn’t put up with all that shit to get interrogated by Captain Skunk-stripe and his faggot cloak so why don’t you make with some goddamn info?”

You were a bit annoyed. You shouldn’t be swearing around Astra, but you can’t stop. “If this is your fucking house then I feel sorry for all your goddamn guests who come in here and get the fucking fifth goddamn degree-

Another voice cuts you off, a double flanged one. “Sombra? What are you shouting about?”

Wait what.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. You know that voice.

But first-

“Sombra…” you growl.

You notice your head lowering and your teeth being bared.

Sombra was here…that pompous egotistical jackass was around 5 feet of your daughter. There was only room for one pompous, egotistical jackass around her. But this one was different…this one actually looked like he had friends, and bathed.

”What in the world…?” he says.

“Not. One step closer, dickhead.” You say pointing.

Different looking or not, you weren’t letting him close.

You needed to get out of here. Get back to figure out what in the fuck was happening with Celestia. Keep Astra safe.

The voice comes back. “Sombra?”

Who now? You regret thinking that as soon as she walks out from behind a bush. She gasps and you see her chitinous exoskeleton rise in unison. “Oh my word! Is that a filly in there?”

She was a bit of a lighter shade and her horn wasn't weird and warped, plus her wings were round and looked like a butterfly’s, but there was no mistaking Chrysalis.

“Ap ap ap ap. Back off, bitch.”

She stops her approach with a cocked eyebrow. “Sombra…who is this? What is he? Where did he get that filly?”

You hold her closer and step back, keeping your good hand forward. “This Filly is my daughter, Princess Astra, daughter of Princess Celestia, now back up before I get a big rolled up newspaper.”

Chrysalis glares at you. ”Setting a fine example you are!”

“Go suck a bug zapper, I’m a perfect influence on my daughter.”

”Daddy! Poobug!” Astra says against your chest, pointing at Chrysalis.

A long pause fills the air. ”…What did she say?” Sombra asks.

Astra is more than happy to answer for him, singing “Poobug! Poobug! Poobug! Poobug!” while clapping her hooves together and giggling up a storm.

You ignore Sombra and Chrysalis for a moment and hold Astra to your face. “Astra, sweety, you’re ruining daddy’s cred.”

Astra responds by blowing a raspberry in your face.

Goddamit.

Not-Chrysalis takes another step towards the two of you. “Is that child…an Alicorn?” she asks. You instinctively turn Astra further away from her.

“Maybe. Hooves off.”

Not-Sombra remains stone faced. “And what are you?”

“Her dad, that’s all that matters right now.”

Not-Sombra nods. “I see…and what am I to call you?”

The thought of faking another name tired you, so…

“Mous. Where’s the exit?”

Sombra points behind you. “I believe you came through it.”

You turn your neck behind you, you were standing in front of a solid stone statue base of some pony or another, an unnaturally sparkling glass mirror residing on one side reflecting perfectly the imagine of you, Sombra, Chrysalis and Astra standing in this outdoor garden.

You bend your leg back and kick the statue, it’s hard as the rock it looks like.

“God dammit…”

”Why are you here?” you're asked.

You turn back you your “hosts”.

“We were sent here by Celestia. There was…someone in the palace, she sent us away to protect us.”

”Protect you from what?”

”Will something follow you to the kingdom…?” Chrysalis asks.

“Hey, I don’t know who it is, she called him… Tirek, or something. Big devil looking guy, smashed through the castle.”

”And Celestia was worried?” Sombra asks.

“Yeah…really so…”

She wasn’t the only one worried, things rarely shook Celestia.

Sombra’s face visibly darkens. “Oh…dear…”

“A...huh…where are we? I’d like to go home now.” You bounce Astra a bit.

Sombra looks you in your eye. “You…are in another world, Mous. An Equestria not unlike your own, I wager.”

You look around at the trees, at the ponies before you, at the sky so dark and brooding. “Yeah…that would…make a bit of sense, I suppose…”

Sombra straightens himself out. “Come, we must away to the Tower of the Magisters.”

Chrysalis nods and follows Sombra as he trots out of the garden.

“What? Why?”

Sombra looks back over his shoulder. “To learn the fate of your world…and if need be, ensure mine does not suffer the same fate.”

…Oh.

You tail after Sombra. “Wait, what do you mean? What happened?”

”It was not often that Celestia and I spoke of such dark topics, but when we did, Tirek was among the darkest.”

Wait. What? “You know my wife?”

Sombra keeps his eyes ahead. “Aye.”

“-How-?”

”Did you think it circumstance that after your trip through the mirror that you arrived safe and sound in my garden? In a world that would not attack you on sight at that? Tia has used that gateway many times in the past.”

You quietly follow along for a few steps.

“And you…know her, huh?”

”I do.” He says facing ahead.

You stop. “Sombra.”

Sombra stops in his tracks and looks back over his shoulder at you.

“You knew her?”

A tense silence fills the air before he nods. “As you no doubt do.”

You grit your teeth and grumble. Chrysalis stands next to the two of you with her lips pressed tight together and eyes shifting back and forth.

“Right…keep going.”

Astra shifts in your hands and frowns. “Dadee, hungee.” You take your mind off trying to glare a whole in Pretty Boy’s head long enough to stroke Astra’s cheek.

“It’s okay sweety, we’ll get this taken care of and then find you some food. Okay?”

”Wan’ nana!”

You chuckle. “Okay, I’m sure they have bananas…”

Chrysalis looks back as you walk. “I can take her to the kitchens if you wish.”

Yeah, that’ll fucking happen.

“No.” you state flatly.

”But she-“

“No.”

”But the health ri-“

“No.”

”Bu-“

“Don’t make me say it again.” You say with a glare.

Astra was not leaving your arms…Not if you could help it.

Sombra’s Tower of Magisters was in basically the same place as yours. You guess that the egotism of the Magisters required them to be the highest point in the city everywhere. Inside were several rooms full of testing equipment and several times several ponies more than eager to do those tests on the strange new creature they saw and the mysterious new Alicorn. And test you were forced to allow them to run if you ever wanted to get back home, but you wouldn't let them test on Astra alone. If nothing else you would hold her while she had some strange pony looking at her teeth.

Interestingly enough, Sombra was present in all the tests, looking Astra over and consulting with the other magisters about the results, even offering his own input. Big brain, strong jaw, and perfect hair? This guy was getting on your nerves…you also didn’t like how he was looking at Astra.

He looked sad.

That made you angry.

Eventually you have enough and begin ripping the suction cups that were on your head off. “Okay, okay, I’ve been stuck in here for who-the-hell-knows how long watching you nerds obsess over my brainwaves. Do you have anything helpful or would we be better off trying to get home with smiles and warm wishes?”

”Calm down, Sir Mous.” Sombra says behind a blinking doohickey. “We are simply trying to determine what method brought you here exactly…”

“And what do your findings say, Mr. Spock.”

Sombra totally takes the bait and cocks a Vulcan eyebrow. “That you indeed traveled by the same pathways that brought Celestia here…so long ago.”

You grumble. “And what have you got for me in the way of making it right?”

Sombra sighs and walks over to you both. “The fortunate thing is that if the path is as stable now as it was during Celestia’s last visit, then it should be more than stable enough to send you home.”

“Good.”

Good… You were going nuts not knowing what was happening.

Sombra sighs again. “I will send you…should you think it wise.”

“Meeeeaning?” you ask, bouncing Astra.

Sombra points to Astra. “You were sent here to protect…her. Returning could put her at risk.”

“And not returning could put her mother and everyone else I care about at risk. Complacent stagnation is the key to defeat.”

Sombra just shakes his head. “I cannot agree. Nothing is solved or gained by acting impulsive.”

You glower at him. “Maybe the difference in our impulsiveness is why I’m where I am and you’re where you are.”

Sombra seems about to retort when one of his magisters gasps.

”Your highness we’re detecting something coming through the breach! Something MASSIVE!”

You and Sombra bolt out of the testing room and over to the guy. In front of him is a machine printing out readings like an earthquake detecting machine. Readings that spike off the page just a few seconds ago.

“This is happening now?”

”Y-yes!” the boy answers.

“Shut the portal thing! Trap him in there!”

Sombra begins to sweat. “Based on these readings, he might just break through if we did that.”

You hold Astra closer. “Sombra I can’t let him get here!”

”What do you propose we do then!?”

You grab Sombra’s face with your free hand. “Look. Where there’s a will, there’s a way, and I have will in abundance. Also, if I know my family, the best damn magic-thinker-tinker-dude to ever live is working this problem from his end, but we have to hold up ours, okay?” You forcibly release him. “You know this place better than me, Mr. Perfect. SOLVE IT.”

You bounce Astra a bit so as to not worry her while Sombra and you exchange wordless looks. Eventually, he nods. “Aye…summon Captain Goodguy!”

...Who?

A desk at the far side of the room begins to shake like a thing possessed, Sombra runs over to it while you walk over to Chrysalis.

“What in the hell is he getting a-“

Sombra yanks open the drawer and releases a tide of mismatched fur, scales, and horns that takes a familiar serpentine shape. “Helloooooo everypony!”

“OH CUNTING HELL.”

Considering that this parallel world seemed to be checking off the boxes on your “People you fucking hate” list, you should have known Discord would make an appearance.

Chrysalis must sense your feelings. “Do you know the Captain?”

“I had him killed.” You grunt. Chrysalis’ look of unrepentant shock tells you that you may have said the wrong thing, so you try to recover. “…He got better.”

Sombra continues to talk with Other-Discord who for some reason is dressed like Bizarro’s more retarded cousin. ”Captain, calamity approaches. A Tirek from another world who is no doubt gorged on magic is breaking through the portal in the garden. If he arrives here…I cannot imagine what he will do. You must stop him! You are our only hope!” he pleads.

”Captain Goodguy” salutes the king. “Most assuredly, My Liege! I’ll show that troublemaker what for! Hoohoo!”

He snaps his fingers and vanishes in a flash of light. Sombra blitzes past you. “Come! We can watch from the balcony!” he says You follow the tide of every other pony in the room out to the balcony in time to see Discord appear in front of the statue you came out in front of. The portal on the side of it was once a calm, cool blue, but now rotates in it an angry red coloration which fires sharp bolts of energy into the sky.

Everyone around you holds their collective breath as Discord rolls up his sleeves and assumes a magical stance, two fingers out and energy glowing around them. The portal begins to stabilize and shift away from the red.

”Aha!” you hear him shout.”Nothing can stop us when we all stick toge-“he begins before the portal shudders.

You’re close enough to see Discord turn back to look at the changing portal…just in time for a blast of atomic fire to catch him in the face and shoot him backwards. The entire castle feels the shake as Discord slams into the wall and is buried under a pile of molten slag.

“…Shit.”

The fire from the portal stops as it becomes fully red. Then an all-too-familiar clawed hand bursts through and slams down as it finds purchase on new soil.

”DID YOU THINK ME DEFEATED?”

Sombra wastes no time after his initial gasp and leaps off the balcony, floating down on a magically summoned cloud. “Guards! To me! We must hurry! We must drive the monster back!”

”My king!” Chrysalis exclaims leaning over the balcony.

”Keep them safe!” Sombra calls back.

On Sombra’s tail comes a veritable swarm of guards, Pegasus, unicorn, and earth pony alike that all charge the widening portal. Another blood red hand bursts through and together with its twin, begins to drag through their master. Even here and even though he’s only through up to his waist, he towers above almost all other things save the castle you stood in and stares at the world with soulless black eyes.

”YOUR WORLD SHALL LEARN THE SAME LESSON AS THE LAST, MORTALS… YOUR FRIENDSHIP CAN BE BURNED, YOUR UNITY CAN BE BROKEN, AND YOUR MAGIC CAN BE SHATTERED!”

Tirek slams his fist on the ground and fires another blast of fire into the sky.

”BRING ME THE ALICORN AND I SHALL MAKE THIS QUICK!”

You instinctively grip Astra close to your chest.

Tirek’s presence was raising hell, and not just here. You felt the air getting hotter as he fired more of those blasts and the sky that was normally dark and gloomy now spun twisters that touched down on the horizon.

Ponies fought and struggled and got hurt below you to push Tirek back through the portal and he simple brushed them aside like flies The world starts to go to hell, but the only think you can hear is a sniffling sound from your chest.

You look down. Astra has tears dripping down her face, her lips quivering as she looks around at the sights.

Tirek smashes the ground and fires off another burst of fire into the air, causing Astra to bury her face in your chest and stain your clothes with tears.

That’s when it sets in and you’re ashamed that you could forget it.

This chaos and destruction, this trip between worlds, it had all been for her. It wasn’t about you, or Sombra, or Celestia, or even Tirek. Just her. You had promised to keep her safe, no matter what the cost.

Even if the mere thought of it nearly killed you.

But…every moment of your life since her birth had been for Astra, and that wasn’t going to change here or now.

You raise the crying filly up to your head and kiss her scalp. “There there little star…everything will be alright…daddy is going to fix this…”

Astra looks up at you sniffling.

You know what you’re planning, you know what it would mean and what it could do…but it was all that was left that could keep her safe.

“…I’m sorry, Astra.”

You reach her over to Chrysalis, getting her attention. “Here…hold her for me.”

Chrysalis’ reaction of surprise goes unseen by you as you turn around and head down the tower steps.

Music

You walk out of the tower base into the battlefield. Tirek remains half-in, half-out of this alternate world coming through the mirror.

You keep your pace quick as you pass by Sombra. “Mous, what are you doing down here?!” he shouts.

You ignore him as you beeline for Tirek and think about what could be the hardest choice you’ve ever made and everyone it would effect. You were sorry, Celestia. You were sorry, Anon. You were sorry both of the other friends you had, you don’t think you’d be around to see them anymore. Astra…you were sorry for ruining her life.

You pass by a long abandoned blacksmith’s stall and grab a steel hammer from his anvil with your hand.

Tirek continues to assault the few remaining guards left as he continues his single minded pursuit of Astra, damaging this world in who knows how in the process.

But you had made a promise, and nothing would stop you from keeping it. Not rain, nor tornado, nor the devil himself.

You brandish your hammer in one hand as you get close enough to Tirek. He meets your eye just as you’d hoped as you wind up. Good, you wanted him to know who did this

The moments after you throw the hammer his way seem to last an eternity as the tool sails through the air and…past Tirek.

And then all around the world is heard the sound of shattering glass.

Your heart sinks at the finality of what you just did as the mirror loses integrity and falls to the ground. Tirek, being caught in the mirror, loses his integrity as well below the waist, his torso collapsing to the ground with an earth shaking “THUMP!”

You’d have heard it if he wasn’t screaming bloody murder. Tirek thrashes on the ground for a few seconds before he, like all other animals, begins to go into shock and stills.

It’s then that you walk over to his head and glare down into those black and yellow eyes that were slowly losing what life they still held with all the rage in your heart.

“You took everything from me…” you say. “Your greed…necessitated this. Now everything that I am, everything that I was, is gone…you’ve taken almost all the things I care about in the world and taken me away from them.”

You feel a pain in your chest. “This…it’s too good for you.”

Tirek’s irises strain to focus on you and you feel him lift his arm in a futile gesture before it falls and his eyes go dark. As silence falls on the ruins of the garden and the corpse of the God now inside it, you feel a great wave of shame, failure, and emptiness wash over you.

So you turn on your heel and walk back to the castle. There you see Chrysalis holding Astra and Sombra, both looking on in shock.

”Mous…you destroyed the link…”

“I know.” You say bluntly, taking your last ray of sunshine from Chrysalis and holding her close.

”Do you…know what that means?” Sombra asks as you walk past him.

“We’ll need a room…” you say, entering into the castle.

Astra, now calm, looks at the mirrored halls and then up to you. ”Dada…where mammy?”

You don’t answer and just continue down the home that was not your own.

Bonus Story: Stay Together For the Kids

You are Princess Celestia and you are on Tartarus. Literally.

You, Luna, and Cadence have been trapped here for…Mother knows how long. Tartarus was not like the material world, time flowed differently inside it. You could have been here anywhere between minutes and years. Something that was not helped by the circumstances of your arrival.

You remember a time when you were little, when you and Luna had once ventured into the forests and become lost long into the night. When Mother had found you after what seemed like an eternity, you remember her mutter something while she held you close.

”My girls…” she had said. “Would that I could suffer the slings of a thousand arrows for time unending if only to never lose you again.” She had choked through tears.

…Good lord, you can scarcely believe that ponies –spoke- like that at one time. Now you know where Luna gets it from.

Your Mother’s flowery delivery aside, she didn’t mince her words. Powerless, trapped in a place that saw no light from the sun, knowing that the last act you performed was to send your two most beloved away to a world where one of them would NOT have a good time, possibly never to see you again.

You knew you should yearn to bring the brightest dawn after such a dark night but…all you want to do now is rest your head on the hard rock floor and mope.

And eat ice cream too, but you were being realistic here.

However, when your head hits the ground, you take notice of something. The chain which bound you to the floor was gone. Your sister and niece notice as well, rising to their hooves and galvanizing their spirits.

”Princess!” you hear behind you

You three turn your heads to see your prized student and newest member of the “royal family” as it were standing on the opposite end of a portal. ”Twilight!” Cadence exclaims.

”Get through! I got your chains off but I can’t hold this forever!” she grunts.

Your heart soars at the prospect of freedom. The three of your take to the air and fly through the portal, touching down and letting Twilight snap the portal shut behind her. The moment your hooves find purchase, you reach out with your senses.

If they are retrieving you, then that means Tirek was defeated which would allow you to-

No. No that can’t be.

You block out Twilight and Anon and their friends talking amongst themselves as you sweep the castle with your mind again and again. It was right there. It can’t be gone, how can it-

”Princess Celestia?”

You open your eyes and look down your nose, Twilight returns a look of concern.

”Are you alright?” she asks.

It’s gone, how can i-

“Something is wrong…” you mutter.

-MEANWHILE, AT THE LEGION OF DOOM-

You were Princess Celestia and you were in Tartarus. Not literally of course, but it might honestly be preferable.

You sit in your castle looking out your grand windows and see your opposition. Sombra, the annoying gnat, has been on a crusade since his fabled “secret weapon” had come into his possession.

And now he sieges your domain?

”He would fall like all the other times.” You told yourself.

Well, you –did-, until Luna burst into the throne room from the window. ”It is here!”

“What!?”

”The weapon! It is here! It is cutting through our soldiers!” she cries.

“Who would be so brash as to march –ahead- of their army to-“

Your words are punctuated by the sight and sound of your apprentice, Twilight Sparkle being tossed through your chamber doors. ”My liege, he-GAK!” she says as the…thing strikes her upside the jaw with its hammer. It is battered and its clothing torn from its march on your forces, but the moment you meet its gaze felt like looking upon a mountain. The remainder of your little erroneous equines laying batter on the far side of the door, your little brat of a sister steps forward.

”You dare!? IN OUR REALM!?” she cries, her horn glowing obsidian black.

Like a good soldier, she fires her magic at the intruder and you allow yourself the moment to smile at a foe defeated. Until the magic, which should have unmade the intruder where it stood, splinters against his upraised paw as he slowly and deliberately walks towards Luna.

WHY DID THE MAGIC NOT WORK?

Your sister reacts in mirrored shock and pours more magic into her attack. “WHY. WILL. YOU. NOT. FAL-AH!”

Luna bucks and jerks as the weapon grabs her horn and pulls her closer. Poor dear, under normal circumstances that could be rather nice… That was not now however as it smashes its hammer against Luna’s mouth.

”Shut.” WHACK. ”The.” CRACK. “Fuck.” CRUNCH. “Up.” POW.

You’re forced to admire the brilliant savagery of it all as the being strikes Luna several more times, sending a bloody tooth flying back your way before tossing her aside and fixating on you.

You feel your legs stiffen. Okay, magic would not work and getting close would be a…mistake.

Luckily, you had a plan. For your spies had told you rumors of this weapon…

"Hold!” you say as it advances. “I know where you travel from!”

It does not stop.

“You come from that same mirror universe that that fool Sombra waxes about, I know of it!”

You raise your hoof to stop it but it smacks it away with the simple weapon. Hissing and holding your hoof, you bring it to your chest.

“Fool! Our worlds are linked in ways you cannot imagine! I know that my counterpart is close to you…harm me and you risk her!”

”No.” it says, stepping forward and striking you in the chest. In rapid succession, you suffer blows to the knee, neck, and ribs, sending you toppling to the ground. ”That’s changed.”

Then…it was true! The tales of the fall of Lord Tirek’s counterpart and the sundering of the mirror! The link between worlds, and thus your defense, was shattered.

It raises its hammer.

“W-wait!”

It pauses.

“…Surely you would not strike me, would thou? I know there is affection in your heart for who I am in your world…surely you do not wish to harm us, yes?” You bat your eyelashes to really sell it.

The being is silent for a moment. ”I think you misunderstand a fundamental aspect of the relationship I have with the other you.”

WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT ME-GAK. Steel hammer blows rain down upon you from your assailant, striking you near the head.

Just before you lose consciousness, you’re left to wonder what made this being so angry.

-Mous PoV-

Music

Standing.

That was all there was to do now, Sombra’s soldiers were hauling the faux-princesses away. And since you couldn’t leave until he arrived, standing was all you had.

On the edge of the wall, you look down at the procession of ponies walking out of the captured palace.

Their monarchs broken, the remainder of Not-Celestia and Not-Luna’s guard quickly disintegrated. They had fought tooth and nail to keep you from here, but their courage melted quickly. They had torn the dead land apart in their desperation from what you heard Sombra’s troops mutter.

Of the crater you can see, about two meters deep, they looked like they were trying to destroy their kingdom instead of letting you have it.

Not a horrible plan.

”Mous!” You turn your head and look back as Sombra trots up in his armored regalia.

“Good. Take me back to the castle.”

You turn and walk past him, leaving the grim scene as you look for his carriage. ”Wha-bu-what happened here?”

“As a general, I don’t care.”

Sombra follows behind you, you can hear him.

”If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t have done this for me.”

“I –didn’t- do it for you. Where’s your carriage?”

Sombra sighs behind you and walks ahead. “This way.” He leads you down the battlements to his personal carriage and climbs on with you. ”The castle, soldier.”

The trooper looks back confused. “Sir? The battle-“

”Will still be here in time, return us.”

”Aye aye…”

Your ride takes to the air and begins to travel south towards Sombra’s castle.

You –really- wish he would shut up during it. ”When we return, I’ll have to leave to oversee the capture.”

“Don’t care.”

He frowns. “I trust you can watch the castle while I am away.”

“You have people, I don’t care.”

Now he grunts. ”Yes yes, I your apathy is known to me. Sit back, we’ll have you home in minutes.”

That makes you grind your teeth. “That isn’t my home, I’m squatting in it.”

Sombra stays silent.

“And shut up, I barely got two words out of the old you the first time I met him.”

The carriage sets down outside the palace doors and you’re off before it stops, bee lining up the stairs. You’d engraved the directions into your mind. Up the stairs, two rights, one left, down the hall, past the fountain, up the stairs again, and through the door.

The room that you were “granted” during your stay here. You throw the door open and walk in.

“Chrysalis.”

Greeting you is the one thing you like about here, something that squeals. ”Dadaaa!”

Astra squirms and reaches her hooves out in Chrysalis’s grasp the moment she sees you. You allow yourself a small smile as you walk up and pet her head.

Hello sweetie…

“It’s done.” You tell Chrysalis. “Give her to me.”

The Queen’s face lights up. “Truly!? They are defeated?!”

“Yes, now-“ You slowly pull Astra away from her hooves and bring her close, letting her bury herself in your chest as she shows her affection. “Give her to me.”

She bounces to her legs and around the room. “Oh fraptious day! You have ushered a halcyon age by defeating those ner-do-wells! The Kingdom can heal again! Where is the king?”

You bounce your girl in your arms. “He said he had to go back to the front or something, go quickly and you can still catch him.”

Chrysalis wastes no time in buzzing to the door. “Do not eat! When we return, there is surely to be a feast of celebration.”

Whatever…

“Yes, get out of my room. Now.”

Normally she’d huff at you, but this time she just flutters out and lets the door shut behind her. Which lets you fall backwards onto your bed.

Ow.

Ow.

Oh ow.

Ow.

Soreness was common on excursions, but you’d been “retired” from adventuring for years now. And also those ponies wore goddamn horseshoes, the ones at home didn't. You feel your bones ache and your joints scream in protest while you rest on bruised skin.

And one roley poley little filly on your chest was not helping.

“Astra, baby doll, daddy needs you not to do that please.”

You peek your eye open and look down at her. Astra has rolled onto her back on your chest and is looking up at you with big gold eyes. She got that from you, you think. Gold was –sort- of brown.

”Dadee owie.” she says.

“Yes, daddy is very owie.”

”Why?”

“Because daddy prefers the fast and direct approach.”

”Why?”

“Because daddy is stupid.”

”Why?”

Goddammit.

“Because daddy wanted his silly filly to be super safe.”

You tickle her soft underbelly and elicit a stream of giggles and a new wave of squirming. ”…Why?” she asks when she calms down.

You hate this stage of toddlerism.

“Because you and daddy have been here for a few weeks and he doesn’t know how much longer it will be until we can go home with mommy, so everything has to be super-duper safe here for Astra.”

Astra blinks twice and then rolls over. “Oooooohhhhh…”

You half-groan/half-sigh. “Is Astra hungry?

Astra nods enthusiastically.

“Does Astra want something yummy in her tummy?”

Against all odds, she nods –more- enthusiastically, this time with an open mouth.

You boop her nose. “Let daddy shut his eyes for a bit and then we’ll have lots of yummy food in a bit, okay?”

”’Kay!”

Astra clambers up to your right shoulder and curls up in the crux of your neck.

“…Asty?”

”Asta dadee nap.”

You close your eyes and smile slightly, nodding your head as you let her snuggle in.

“Good…girl…”

You enjoyed the fleeting happy moment you could eke out in this world while it lasted.

-Celestia PoV-

How long had it been? You didn’t remember, you were terrible at judging time ever since you turned eight hundred.

You also hadn’t been out of the room with your shattered mirror in it since you returned, that probably didn’t help. The corpse of Tirek had been hauled out and you’d had everything that would fit through the door from the Arcanium brought down here.

You had to study, you had to figure something out.

You would not let it end like this.

If the mirror was destroyed, then the link between worlds was severed.

You’d have to find a solution.

Starswhirl and you had done it once, you could to it again.

“Twilight, what have you found?”

Your most faithful student trots up next to you wearing her lab coat. She had barely had the time to rest after returning your magics. She had been the one to find Tirek here and free you from Tartarus. ”It’s…not going to make you happy, Princess.” She says meekly.

“Tell me anyway.”

Twilight heaves a deep sigh. “I’m afraid…the link has been broken on both sides, Princess. We have no way of remaking the link and getting them home.”

You feel your left eye twitch and the room go silent.

"…No.”

”Princess?”

You step away from your workspace and glare at the mirror, horn glowing and pieces of the artifact rising off the ground.

“No.”

Luna reacts harshly as the floor begins to shake a bit and the temperature rises. ”Sister! What art thou-“

This wasn’t how it ended.

“No. No. No. No. No. “

-Mous PoV-

The sun set after the feast you had barely attended which meant it was time for little fillies to go to sleep. You spent as little time as you could with the…other people in this castle, preferring to hang on to Astra and plan how to get home. But right now you just wanted her to sleep. You were singing her her new favorite bedtime sonnet to do just that.

“Don’t worry little buddy, know this much is true…Tomorrow is a sunny day, and daddy’s here for you.”

The soft sound accompanying the air blowing out of Astra’s nostrils tells you that she’s off to dreamland and thus your responsibilities are done.

You groan as you stand up and stretch your aching muscles one last time before you fall into a coma in bed.

But fuck nice things. Someone knocks on the door.

You groan again, in irritation, and quietly open it. Your “friend” and host, the good King Sombra stood outside. “What.”

Flat answers was all he was getting tonight.

”I would speak with you.”

“No.”

You shut the door. Or would, but Sombra stops your stopping with his hoof.

”I –insist-.”

Now your temper is flaring. You open the door again and whisper as angrily as you can. “You’re about to find out if you can fly if you don’t let me get some goddamn sleep, Boy Scout.”

”And then you and your daughter can enjoy sleeping somewhere else.”

…FUCK.

You drag your hand down your face while Sombra walks off. ”Come, we may talk on the balcony.”

You walk behind Sombra, gritting your teeth the entire way. He leads you out of the hall and to a small balcony overlooking the courtyard and valley below in the light of the full moon as it hangs in the sky.

“Alright, you have me, what the –hell- do you want?”

Sombra turns around at you and looks at you like a disapproving father. “That. That is why you are here.”

“Speak clearly.”

Sombra turns and huffs. “You are rude, blunt, and in no way behaving in a manner that your station warrants!”

…My –what-?” you say disbelievingly.

”You are that girl’s father and you act in such a way? For shame!”

Nope, him saying that didn’t make it any easier to believe.

“…WHAT!?”

"You drag me out of my room at some unholy hour to tell me that I’m not behaving like you think I should around my kid? Well fuck you! You do better, shitheel!”

Sombra narrows his eyes. “I demand that you tell me why you are acting in this manner to my subjects.”

Was this that hard to figure out!? You stomp over and bend down to Sombra’s face’s height. “Because I. Don’t. Like. You.”

“I do not like –any- of you, all of you remind me of people from my home that gave me no end of problems. A home which I’ll remind you I did not –ask- to leave and you –invited- be to stay here while I was away from.”

You turn and walk away.

”Homesickness does not account for acting as you do!” he says.

“Being old as dirt doesn’t account for having a mullet with a blue skunk stripe! If you’re that obsessed with my Celestia that you color your hair like a douchebag, let me tell you that making a stalker shrine in your closet out of chewing gum is far better on your public image.”

Sombra seethes as well as his nature will allow. “That was uncalled for.”

You turn your head and scoff. “Wasn’t it?”

”Something you want to say, Mous?”

“Nothing to you.”

Sombra snarls. “Have I wrong you in some way? Surely that could be the only explanation why you are so cold to me.”

“Yes it would be, if you were ignorant, maybe.”

He shakes his head in frustration and rears back onto his hind legs, placing his hooves on your shoulders and pushing you into a well. ”What is your –problem-?

Celestia once signed you up for classes on how to conduct yourself during dignitaries for the purpose of keeping your trap shut. In hindsight, going to those might have helped.

You grab Sombra’s stupid sideburns and pull. “My problem? MY PROBLEM? You want my problem, fine. My problem is that you are a threat!”

”…What!?”

Nope. You knee Sombra in the stomach and kick him off with your foot. He lands in a heap a few feet back and you could easily walk away, but intelligence isn’t your best suit.

“You –threaten- me Sombra. Your existence threatens my way of life.”

Sombra coughs. “I am –not- the monster from your world, Mous.”

“Not like that.”

You roll Sombra over and pin him, staring daggers into his eyes. He struggles for a bit before he looks up at you and freezes. “You are a threat to –me-. To my way of life. I look at you and see everything that I am not. I see a charismatic and intelligent leader whose character is without question and is beloved by his people. And it PISSES ME OFF.”

Sombra squirms a bit but you drop your weight on him and slam him back.

“It pisses me off because my wife, the mother of my child, has a reputation for a reason, and she was involved with “you” from our home. You are temptation -the snake in my garden, the Bond in my evil lair, an incubus to haunt the dreams of the second most important person in my life as I sleep next to her. That is why I hate you."

Sombra stares up at you. “You…you trust no one.”

“I’m an antisocial misanthrope, of course I trust no one.”

That. Felt. REALLY good to say. But in your insides, now that the fire had exited, you felt…cold.

A chill wind blows across the still figures of you and Sombra on the balcony as you let out a heaving sigh. “I just want to go home, Sombra…”

He tilts his head and looks up at you.

“I want to go home…be with my family…and let this slide off my like a bad dream. I don’t want to feel this newfound constant soul crushing pressure of my daughter being able to grow up in a world her own that is safe and welcoming for her. I didn’t ask for that burden and my temporary acceptance of it doesn’t change the fact that I don’t want to carry it.”

”Mous…there –is- no way back…you broke the mirror.”

Another pang in your chest. “I don’t accept that.”

”You must.”

“I won’t.”

You glare down and Sombra. “I won’t accept that Astra is forced to grow up in a world away from everyone she loves…and I won’t accept that fate with her.”

”It is the reality of the situation…”

“I reject it. There has to be some…some magic spell or mystic amulet or jackass in a cave somewhere that can get us home and I’ll find it if it takes me to The Breach and back.”

”That girl…” Sombra worms his hoof out from under you and puts it on your hand. “She needs her father in her life…not chasing something that does not exist, lest you do more harm than good.”

Those stick with you. More harm than good…the defining idea of your life…

You could decide to give up on a way home…or decide to possibly harm the center of your world. You decide…

“I’m…too tired for this…”

You push off Sombra and get to your feet, turning and dragging yourself back to your room. “I’m sorry…if I hurt you, Sombra.”

You guess.

You leave a wordless Sombra on the balcony as you head back to your room and lock the door. On the bed a little filly sits on her butt with the blankets wrapped around her head.

“Asty…why are you up?”

”Hear boom.” She squeaks.

The scuffle.

“I’m sorry daddy wasn’t here…were you scared?”

Astra’s eyes fall to the floor and she doesn’t say anything. You sigh and walk over to her, scooping her up as you fall onto the slice of heaven you called a bed.

Astra snuggles into your chest as you pet her and put a pillow over your face.

”…Dadaa?”

“Mmmm?”

”Wan’ mammy…”

You pet Astra again.

“I know, sweety…”

Soon Astra is in bed, but your ability to sleep is marred by the weight in your mind. But soon you join her just the same.

-THE NEXT DAY-

Music

You slept like crap. It was raining, you’d broken a promise. Normally you’d ask someone to clear that up but…that wasn’t an option.

Sitting at Sombra’s table for breakfast had become too normal for you in recent weeks or so. The permanent members of the castle, Sombra, you, Astra, and Chrysalis all sit trying to prepare for the day.

Chrysalis was next to you tapping Astra’s mouth with a spoon full of crushed squash on it. “Come now my dear, will you please open your mouth so you can enjoy some of this yummy food?”

Astra “HMPH!”’s and turns her head away as she uses her magic to tip over her milk.

“She’s being fussy…she won’t eat like that.”

”Is there any way to make her accept it?” Sombra asks.

“The only person who could…isn’t here.”

You reach over and pet Astra while you contemplate. This is where you should be helping. You were her father, you should be caring for her. But…you also need to find a way home.

Celestia trusted you to do what was best for Astra but… You don’t know what that is…

Are you helping her or hurting her? What was the best course of action for your daughter? Is going home what Celestia wants? Or what you want? Are you helping your little girl? Or becoming her tormentor later?

You agonize over that for what seems like forever…

“Sombra.” You say, finally speaking up

”Mmm?” he responds.

“I would…talk to you later. To get Astra a crib for our room.”

You look up at Sombra with lidded, tired eyes. “She can’t sleep in my bed forever…”

Come on, don’t make you say it…

Sombra simply nods. “We can…do that Mous, yes. In time, I would hope that you call this castle home.”

You let out a deep and long sigh that carries as much of your burden as you can.

“Yeah…ho-“

The rest of the sigh gets caught as you get bowled over by something exploding on the table.

You’re on your back, in your chair, rubbing your head. Your ears were ringing, too.

“Mop. MOOOOOP.”

The ringing begins to fade in time.

“-ia, how in the world-!?”

”My king, what is this!?”

”Mammy! Mammy! Mammy!”

Wait what.

You scramble up and pull yourself up by the table. Above the table, in the center of the room, swirled a glowing pink portal. On the other side of the portal, being reached at ecstatically by Astra, stood a bent over and sweaty Celestia whose horn glowed like a star. Behind her Luna and Twilight and Anon and just about everyone looked forward in shock.

”Oh look at mommy’s little girl! Look how happy she is, yes she is!”

Seeing Celestia again…after thinking you never would…

It brought emotions in you up to the surface…joy, relief, longing…But mostly the desire to rip on her.

“Hey!”

She looks at you, her neck vibrating.

“I think we finally found someone who cooks worse than you!” You say, getting to your feet.

”Oh, dear? You’re hear? I wondered why it was so quiet around the castle.”

“That’s probably you just going deaf. What’s all this?”

You point to the portal boarder.

”I-nggg-I used the shards of the mirror as a beacon and found their counterpart in the space between worlds, then I used my magic to bore a hole between them that would allow for safe passage.”

Ha...of course she did.

You and Celestia grin at each other for a bit.

”It’s…really heavy.” She says as sweat drips down her nose.

“Oh. Right.”

Fuck.

You snatch Astra from her high-chair and hold her up Saigon style to the portal.

”LUNA!” Celestia calls and summons the Princess of the Night to grab her niece and carry her off.

That left just you and a straining Celestia on the other side. This would normally be the part where you’d either say something poignant and miss the portal or elect to stay here and give Celestia a new lease on life…

But man…fuck that! Till death did you part meant until one of you died and it wasn’t going to be you. But you should probably say something.

You look between a shocked Chrysalis and a mouth agape Sombra.

“Uh…thanks?”

That was lame but you didn’t care right now. You hop through the portal like you were clearing a hurdle and land on the familiar palace floors on the other side.

Celestia stays for a moment, however, and looks at the good Sombra.

”My Blue Flame…thank you for caring for them for me…I knew we would see one another again…” Sombra opens and closes his mouth, saying “Celest-“ before the portal snaps shut and you are sealed off from that place.

You push yourself to your feet and whirl around, you wanted to find Celestia an-You spot her over with Luna, legs wobbly but nuzzling Astra’s tummy and getting adorable baby kisses in return. The stance of her legs, the tilt of her ears, the swish of her tail, and the occasional glance back she gives you make the message loud and clear.

”Later.”

You, however, get someone jumping you. ”Dude! I knew we’d find you!”

You push Anon off and playfully punch him in the shoulder.

“Yeah, after I did all the hard work. How could you let a centaur come try and eat me?”

”Oh cram it, we had a plan.”

”A devilish plan if I say so myself.” Celestia says, pulling herself away from Astra and walking over. “Yet still a good deal less crude than “cut him in half.”

You shrug. “My methods get just the same results.”

Celestia rolls her eyes and trots past you. “Yes, well, shall we eat? I have the desire to feed my little girl as many chocolates as she can eat.”

“Just because you have a fat ass doesn’t mean you have to make her have one…” you say following with the others.

After a day of relaxing, eating your own food, shitting in your own toilet, and several checkups by the castle doctors, you and Celestia walk back to your room with Luna in tow after having put Astra to sleep.

”Will you please simply tell us? We have never been to a parallel world!”

Oh fer-

“It wasn’t that strange. Sombra was there, Celestia was there, you were there, and everyone was there.”

Luna blinks twice once you enter the door to your apartment. “Truly? We were there?”

“I broke your teeth with a hammer.”

Luna looks at you in silence.

“You were being a bitch.

”Uhg…gushingly glad to have you back, in-law.”

“Nice to see you survived your vacation to Hell, Lunes.”

Celestia chuckles next to you. “Ah yes, our sabbatical was rather uneventful. And those dreadful conditions gave me such a cramp in my legs. Sister? I must ask you to leave us now so that my husband may rub the aches out.”

Luna slooooooowly arches her eyebrow.

“That’s not code for anything, she’s really going to make me rub her feet.”

Luna slowly backs out of the door. “Alright then, uhm…in all honesty, I am please you are back, Mous.”

“Goodnight, Moon.” You say with an earnest smile.

Luna returns the smile and closes the door behind her.

That’s when you let Celestia tackle you into the bed.

You wrap your arms around her neck the moment you’re on the cushions and release your millionth sigh lately.

“Oh thank God you’re okay.” you say.

”Thought I’d never see you again.”

“You were in HELL.”

"I thought Tirek would do…I don’t even want to think about it.”

“I missed you so much.”

”I missed you too…”

“Your ex-boyfriend was an asshole.”

”My husband is an asshole, it’s my type.”

Neither of you say anything until you both start chuckling. Celestia releases a sigh into your chest. “Truly…thank the stars you are alright…”

“Right back at you…I did miss you, you know.”

Celestia crawls her way up and rests her head on your shoulder. “I know, dear…’love you too.”

“Hmph.”

You gently pet her mane. “You’re taking off tomorrow.”

”For a family day, agreed.”

“And maybe the next day.”

”Luna can handle it.”

“Never push me through a portal again.”

Celestia nuzzles and lightly kisses your neck. “Never leave me to worry alone again…”

You rest your head on top of hers and close your eyes.

“I’d never dream of it, Celly…”

Celestia releases a contented sigh and says no more, letting you truly relish how few places like home there were.

Author's Note

Why yes, I am excited for MGSV, how can you tell?

Bonus Chapter: Best Night Ever.

“I hate this.”

”You always hate this.”

“And yet still you make me come.”

”Phrasing.” Celestia says.

You sigh and hang your head. The night must be making you soft. “I walked into that.”

Celestia pumps her hoof. “Nailed it!”

Tonight was the night of the…which Grand Galloping Gala was it? You can’t keep it fucking straight anymore. Either way it was tonight. Ponies from all over the goddamn place were crammed into the ballroom to mingle and fraternize and be elitist assholes. You’d had the good sense to keep Astra in her room with the sitter tonight, no one was going to use your little girl as political leverage.

Twilight joins Celestia and the two talk. ”Thank you so much for helping me with the preparations this year Twilight, it will be nice to enjoy the Gala for once.”

“Somehow.”

The girls both look over at you.

“Sup Twibright.”

Twilight clears her throat. “Yes, well, I’m more than happy to help you out Princess Celestia.”

You keep your eye on the door watching people file in. Rainbow and the girls each attend with their plus ones, the Cutie Mark Can’t-see-talent-if-it-bit-them-in-the-ass-saders. and Pinkie’s sister you had the good sense never to meet.

Anon walks in after them wearing his dorky bow tie, you and he exchange nods.

You’d talk to him later.

All in all this was shaping up to be a pretty fucking boring gal- The doors at the end of the ballroom BURST open and in struts Discord wearing some rainbow pimp costume or something.

”Hellooooo everypony! Gushingly glad to see you all again.”

The announcer next to him clears his throat. “The…spirit of Disharmony, Discord and his plus one a…uhm…”

Discord snaps his lion’s paw and in slithers a green blob of…well, snot behind him. “Smooze my dear man, my plus one, the Smooze.”

Twilight, you and Celestia immediately react.

”Oh no!”

”Oh no…”

“OH YES~!”

Theme Song

You escaped Celestia almost immediately and began lurking the shadows. Discord was here and he dragged a snot bubble with him. You didn’t know why, but you could smell the desperation on him. That made you fucking hard, he was the closest thing you had to a nemesis.

Besides yourself anyway.

And your father-in-law.

And Sombra.

Lots of people hated you.

Even Anon couldn’t find you when you got like this. From the shadows you watched as Discord made an ass of himself with Fluttershy and her friend who smelled like weed.

An opening presented itself.

You leave the shadows and approach, adjusting your tie. “Flutters! So nice to see you again, it’s been too long.”

”O-oh! Princes Mous, it’s nice to see you.”

She goes for the bow but you stop her. “No one who knew me before my new life has to call me that. Who’s your friend?”

”Oh! This is Tree Hugger, her and Discord were just getting acquainted.” Fluttershy says, nodding to the green pony with the wilty eyes.

You cast a look up to the snake fucker first. “Dissy~.” You say with added eyebrows.

He snorts steam at you.

“Tree Hugger! Nice to meet you. Any friend of Fluttershy’s is a friend of mine.”

You give an exaggerated bow.

”Oooohh. It’s nice to meet you, your Prince-ship.” She gasps “I’ve never seen an aura quite like yours…it speaks to my universal consciousness.”

You feel your face visibly twitch through the rictus grin you had on. She was one of THOSE hippies, the kind Anon’s grandmother was. You had never wanted to drown an old woman before you met her.

You laugh a bit. “Ooooof coooourse… Fluttershy! Have you shown Tree Hugger the punch yet? It’s to DIE for this year.”

”Ohgosh. Would you like to get a drink, Treesie?”

The hippy nods and the two walk off, leaving Discord standing their holding his gooey friend.

He turns and glares fire down at you, you’re grinning like an absolute shitter.

”REALLY?!” he shouts.

You grin widens.

”HERE!? NOW?!”

And wiiiidens.

”Of all the-“ he bends down and gets right in your face. “Don’t you DARE mess this up you insignificant little insect.” He spits.

Your grin wiiiidens still and grows more manic. You bore into Discord with your eyes and let him know EXACTLY what is going down.

“Good luck out there, big guy.”

He narrows his eyes and pulls away “Come on, Smoozinator.”

You watch with your Cheshire grin as Discord locks his new friend in a closet. This kept getting better and better.

You’re Princess Celestia and you’re sitting at the top of the stairs in the Grand Galloping Gala. Down in the ballroom Discord was making a complete fool of himself…very very slowly. Mindnumbingly so.

It was obvious that you’d invited Discord here to make things interesting, at least you hope it was since you did this last year, but the night was wearing on and all he’d done is be cringe-y. That was a term your husband had imparted on you, you felt it apt here.

Thinking of the devil made him appear as Mous plops down right next to you.

”Why so glum, chum?” he asks, clearly in some manic mood by what you’d seen.

“I know what you’re doing dear, but could you speed it up? I’ll be dying of old age before this party gets interesting at this rate.”

Mous snorts. “Don’t RUSH me, woman. Art can’t be rushed.”

You roll your eyes, Mous leans over and pets the top of your head. “Besiiiiides. I thought you knew how to savor a moment before you let it all loose.”

“I also know about waiting so long the mood is ruined. And stop that, ponies will see…”

You were careful around his hands. You’d be okay as long as he didn-ohstarshewaspettingyourearsnow.

“Because that will stop me…C’mooooon. Who’s my favorite?”

“Nfff. Mous.”

”Who’s my favorite.” he asks again.

“Astra, obviously.”

He leans in and you feel his warm breath traipse down your neck, eliciting a gasp you know he heard. ”But who’s my faaaaaavorite?”

“Anon is your best friend.”

Your husband leans in and plants a tender kiss behind your ear which you hear over your own tapping hoof.

”Oh come on, who do you think it is, Discord?”

You giggle, either at the affection or the jab. “You have been spending an awful lot of time with him tonight, dear.”

Mous scoots closer and continues to peck the area around your ear. You feel your face getting warmer and you moan once. ”Yeah and now I’m being rushed. Any tips here, favorite?”

You clear your throat. “Just do what’d make you angry.”

Mous rolls his eyes. “VERY helpful, hon.”

You wink at him, he leans in and kisses your cheek. “But still, an idea. Love you lots, be back soon.”

You sigh as he hurries off. Every so often at times like these you remember why you keep him around.

“Okay, okay, Rainbow, I need a minute."

Rainbow Dash flutters around you as you get off the dance floor. “Not getting old on me, are you Anon?”

“I’m an egghead, let me rest. Go hang out with your plus one before she releases another ancient horror.”

Rainbow smirks and flies off, waving back and giving you time to rest from the dancing.

Damn but were you out of shape…

You recline in your chair a bit and catch sight of someone very tall and tube-shaped as you lean your head back.

“Discord?” you ask as you right yourself.

The chaos spirit turns his head to look down at you in what can only be described as a pouting pose. “Oh, the other human.”

“Yeah, me. Where’s your friend?”

Discord waves his hand dismissively. “Busy, as if I have time to watch that blob all night.”

Yeesh…

“Rough evening?” you ask.

Discord crosses his mismatched arms again and pouts. “Something like that.”

“Can I ask why?”

”I’m amazed you don’t already know, what with your attached-at-the-hip-nature.

Attached-at-the-?

“What does that mea-?”

Just then a sound comes from behind the both of you, a sound not unlike heavy stone being dragged across a cobble floor. Discord immediately lights up and turns to slam his face directly into Mous’ who stand statue still, looking at Discord with an all-too-wide smile. “Every. Single. Moment you are unhappy in even the slightest way is the sweetest honey to me.” he says.

Then he started rubbing his chest.

Steam erupts out of Discord’s ears and he raises his eagle talon to snap. For a moment you think he’s about to snap your best friend into non-existence, but a flash of light dematerializes him away.

You chuckle as Mous starts giggling up a storm. “New-old victim?”

”It’s too good to pass up.”

Mous passes by the table towards the dance floor, looking for the Draconequus again no doubt. “Yeah, but I thought you two put that cult and fucking your wife crap behind you, why the torment?”

”Uuuuhhh because it’s fuckin’ funny? Duh.”

Of course, how foolish of you.

Tonight was not going well. Discord arriving in the first place was a recipe for disaster, you don’t know why Princess Celestia invited him, but the fact that he brought the SMOOZE with him only compounded matters by an order of magnitude.

You were Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship and Meticulous Planning. And tonight was not going as planned.

Discord was unleashing his most horrible curse on Equestria. He was telling JOKES.

”I’ve only got these tiny mismatched wings and even I can fly better than Twilight Sparkle, am I RIGHT?” he says to a rim shot.

“Hey.” You address him sternly.

You were learning…

You didn’t have to even raise your voice to speak to him, literally nopony was laughing. That didn’t stop the hecklers.

”YOU SUCK, MCBAIN!” someone from the rafters calls.

You know that voice, and Princess Celestia laughing at the heckle all but confirms it...You may understand why Celestia invited Discord here now.

”Every wonder notice how you always materialize out of THIN air?” Discord begins in a new strange outfit. “Why not thick air, what’s the deal there?”

Again, his joke falls on silence save for one. ”MC-FUCKING-KILL YOURSELF, YOU TOOL!”

Discord snaps again into…a mime costume with a watermelon? He knocks twice on it. ”Knock knock!”

…Wow, even the crickets were silent.

”OH COME ON, PEOPLE! THESE ARE THE JOKES! THESE ARE THE MOST BASIC OF JOKES!” Discord cries as he reaches back with a mallet and smashes the watermelon.

Pulp and seeds rain over the audience and land on Maude, Pinkie’s sister. ”You’re the most basic of jokes.” She says.

You chuckle, that was pretty good.

Soon everypony is laughing an-Prince Mous runs out of the shadows next to Maude.

“OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

His reaction elicits a twitching eye and look of unparalleled fury from Discord. Then all of you are swallowed by green slime.

You’re Discord. All around fun guy, great party planner, and entertainer for colts and fillies of all ages.

Tonight was not your best night.

You’d been TRYING to get your best friend Fluttershy to acknowledge you all night and now you were levitating her new friend Tree Hugger in the air while Smooze kept everypony glued to the ground.

”My magic isn’t working!” Celestia cries after she tries to despell Smooze.

”Oh no!” The Royal Pain in your Ass shouted next to her. “Your horn is so unused to being covered in sticky stuff!”

Celestia and Twilight glare at him.

You look Tree Hugger, your new nemesis, in the eyes and open a swirling portal behind her.

“Relaaaax, Tree Hugger, I’m not going to hurt you, I’m just going to send you to another dimension!”

Gasps all around the room.

”Not Delaware!” Celestia’s…HUSBAND exclaimed. Now you glare at him and get eyebrow waggling in return.

…Oh well, in for a bit, in for the bag. You wave your hand and drag Mous up to the portal too.

“Maybe I’ll just send you BOTH somewhere where you’ll be out of my hair…someplace SOUL SHATTERING.”

”Where, your Mom’s house?”

THAT WAS THE LAST STRAW. You get right up close to the crown prince, glaring him in the eye to give him what for. ”LISTEN TO ME YOU MISERABLE CRETIN, JUST BECAUSE YOU KILLED ME ON-“

Mous snorts at you, you retch back at what comes out.

HE SPIT IN YOU. HE SPIT IN YOUR MOUTH.

”Jesus dick, Discord. If this is how you react to people getting other friends, you need to get the sand out of your vagina.”

“I’LL HAVE YOU-!”

”Discord!” somepony shouts.

Your neck turns around so fast there’s a sonic boom a mile away. Fluttershy flaps her wings up to you, crossing her hooves and looking very cross.

”Busteeeeed…”

Oh…oh dear.

Tonight had gone better than you’d hoped. After Discord let you down and you’d discreetly informed Celestia that you were fine and safe, you watched Fluttershy give Discord a tongue lashing and overall friendship lesson.

It was one you learned in third fucking grade, but you took the bad with the good here.

You were stood next to Celly and Twi watching Pinkie dance with Smooze.

”Princess…I think I know why you invited Discord tonight.” Twilight says, awkwardly faced.

Celestia madly grins. “I know! I wasn’t expecting the reaction he had, but I knew he’d come through and make this the best Gala in YEARS!”

“You're welcome.”

Twilight still seems to be freaking. ”But…the ballroom was covered in slime!”

You roll your eyes. “Because that’s SO different from the normal day-to-day in this house.”

”One of the guests threatened to send another to a different dimension!” Celestia puts her hoof around your arm. “That’s something you’ll understand once you’ve been married, Twilight.”

Twilight pouts her pout of not being told answers. “I should just roll with this, shouldn’t I?”

“Can’t hurt.”

Twilight is quiet for a moment. “…Perfect! Out of mind.”

You lean over to Celestia. “I’m rubbing off on you who’s rubbing off on her, this is how I bring down Pony society.”

”Rubbing comes later, dear.” She whispers. ”Now come, Twilight!” Celestia says before walking to the floor. “The night is still young and my husband owes me a dance.”

That you di-

Wait. Shit. That reminded you.

“…Guys? I think we forgot to invite Luna again.”

Very Special Story: Finales Aren't Final.

Author's Note

They say every writer gets one self-indulgent, rambling diatribe a year. This is mine. I saw everyone losing their minds and getting all depressed when the finale was leaked and the countdown started and this came to mind, so I wrote it to get my thoughts out. If you feel the same way, you may enjoy this.

Very Special Story: Finales Aren't Final.

Year twenty-something in Equestria. Maybe thirty, who could keep it all straight.

The Silver Shores retirement community located an hour outside of Fillydelphia is its usual tomb of activity. The crust on your eyes breaks as you pry them open, letting the faint sunlight and buzzing fluorescent tubes from the ceiling into you.

Your body feels weighted as you lay on your back, the only one there thanks to SOMEONE being an early bird. Each time you think to push yourself from the sheets, the weight of apathy pushes you back into them like an undertaker.

Your senses return, but you wish they didn’t as each one feels worse than the last. This entire building smelled like two things on the indoors; sterilized piss and sugar free jello, both of which crept their way up into your nostrils and rooted themselves in your brain, making you long for death if it wasn’t such a hassle to do so.

Your ears detect movement outside your room, another of the residents slowly creaking his way along the uneven floorboards, too erratic to predict but too constant to ignore.

A fine clamminess of humidity sets in on your bare chest and arms brought on by the second sound, unending coughing from every angle around you as your neighbors try their damndest to hack up their remaining lungs and drown you in a petri dish.

With herculean effort, you peel yourself off the moistening bed top and swing your legs out over the side, rubbing your face to clear the ever-present cobwebs and looking at…something left on your table. A plate of clear, ruby red, sugarless jello in the shape of a smiling face with a note saying, “Start the day off right.”

Your mouth tastes the plastic in the unloving pile of breakfast, but you sigh and stand to your feet, trudging towards the bathroom.

The shower to the side of your bedroom didn’t feel like anything. It wasn’t hot, or cold, it was like a denser capsule of the air you walked through to get here. As if you were submerging yourself in a pool of spittle. You rub your eyes and try to clean the night of sweat off you since none of the god damned windows in this place opened and they kept it hot to not excite the residents.

A knock at your door demands your attention. “…Yeah?”

”Do you need help getting up in the morning, sir?”

“What? No…I’m not an invalid.”

”Do you need me to sponge you off or check for sores?”

“No.”

”Are the lights too bright for you?”

“I can take care of myself, go.”

”Do you need help getting dressed?”

“Please, leave.”

”Have you had a bowel movement today, sir?”

You look at your feet, letting the water drip off your nose and fall between them, and wonder what to say. It should come easy, but doesn’t anymore, not since this place became home.

“Everything is alright.”

”Alright sir. Why not come out to the common area and we can all watch the big day together?”

“I will, thank you.”

The door closes and you crank the water as hot as it will go.

Nothing happens, the residents of this place can’t be trusted with TOO much heat. In your cocoon of nothingness, you strike your head against the wall and remember that everything is lined with soft foam in here to prevent a bad fall.

“Everything is safe here…”

You should go outside, but beyond the gates of the village, you barely knew there was a world to go into. The community was all your mind knew since your insisted arrival those years back. Each time you tried to go see outside, you were found and returned right here to your room.

Eventually, you accepted it. It wasn’t worth the effort out there, nothing was. Living was hardly worth the effort.

You shut off the water and go grab a towel.

The common area.

The elderly assault your every sense in a blanket of near-death. Their stench crawling up your nose, their snores and pulse monitors beeping in your ear, and the coarse, rough pleather couch you sit on now hardly does anything to support your back, but the shambling corpses that make regular use of it don’t seem to mind. Outside, Old Henderson revs his motorcycle that he’s always trying to fix before the engine sputters and a “dagnabbit” comes through the window.

In the years since you’d been dragged here “because it was your time”, the world had grown more and more grey every single day. You feel your heart beat slower and slower each time you wake up in the mid afternoon and these constant irritations that surround you are the only source of emotion you still feel. For the sake of your semi-better half who’s idea it was to come here, you take a breath and try to focus on the news report on the television.

“We’re here in Ponyville at the Summer Sun Celebration, the last Summer Sun Celebration being held as Princess Twilight chooses to focus resources into additional libraries.”

“Wait, they’re cancelling the SSF? Don’t we have enough libraries?”

The old stallion next to you falls onto your shoulder and snores more, but you keep watching.

”Everyone is in attendance at this final celebration.” The reporter says. “Princess Twilight and the former Elements of Harmony, the Grand Magister, princess Astra, even Discord has been seen floating around! It’s early now, but sunset promises to bring an exciting end to the traditional Summer Sun Celebration and a calm, quiet, peaceful future for Equestria.”

Every word you hear stabs you like a knife and your feel a great thundering in your ears.

The quiet, the routine, the soul crushing monotony of bed checks. There was a time before that. “This…isn’t right.”

“Sir!” The voice from before, your nurse, walks around the couch looking disappointed at you.

”You didn’t eat your breakfast!”

“I wasn’t hungry.”

”That wont do, sir! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, especially at your age!”

“I’m immortal, I DON’T age-“

”No excuse! This is important to your health!”

With her magic, she floats a bowl of some porridge or another to the table in front of you.

“I’m just trying to watch the new-“

”What you need to TRY, sir, is to sit down and eat your breakfast. It’s what’s best in the long run.”

Best, huh…

”Yes. Now just accept it and try to like it.” She says, leaving.

You look down at the “food” before you. A bowl of oatmeal. The muted color of a dying earthworm left in the sun, congealing together like blood left in the open air. You stick a finger inside it, a bubble slowly bursts when you do. Fiber dust crunches under your touch when you stir your finger around, occasionally you hit a bit of almond. Removing your finger, the substance sticks like gum to you, trying as it can to pull you back into its depths. With your clean finger, you compare the temperature of breakfast to that of the room and find no difference between the two.

Whether by seeing what they expect to go inside of you or something else, your stomach clenches. That clenching feeling travels up your body and through your throat until you can hardly breathe, and your hands start to shake.

But beyond it all, one thought occupies your mind.

“Cancel…the Summer Sun Celebration…?”

It was something that brought everyone together, from all walks of life, the kingdom over. Friends were made, loves were found, bonds were forged, and art was birthed all because of the Summer Sun Celebration. Everyone loved it.

Cancelled?

Staring down at your hands, the pressure from your insides reaches its apex and shatters, letting you finally take a gasping lung-full of air and swallowing it down to your gullet for the first time in years and years.

And you know what?

You HATED it.

You stand up and let the geezer fall onto the couch, where his flank releases a cloud of corpse dust that stinks up the entire room to anyone under ninety. So only you.

The motorcycle engine outside roars again and you feel a thumping in your ear. Your feet move to the door on their own.

“This isn’t right, I need to find-- where’s Celly?”

”Prince?” you hear the pill orderly call.

“WHERE’S THE PRINCESS??”

”Sir!”

You look over your shoulder and see her shaking an orange bottle. “You look unwell. I think you need to take your blood pressure medication, that will calm you right down.”

You feel your eye twitch.

Theme music

You boot open the doors to the main building of Silver Shores and take a deep breath, clearing your lungs of all the old pony stink.

“FUCK. EVERYTHING. These places should be outlawed.”

You go and spit your medicine into the bushes as you have been for weeks now since they stopped watching you so intently and wipe your mouth “Why even have them? They’re just a waiting room afterlife. Hurry up and die already.”

If you paid taxes, you wouldn’t want them going to these passionless oafs.

“Celestia, have to find Celestia.”

You flex your hands and shake your head, trying to force the poison of indifference out of your veins as you go down the path. The breath you took earlier making your stomach hot. How many years had it been since Celestia had spring “Mous, we’re retiring!” on you? Too many. All your schemes in Canterlot blown away in the wind as your entire life was packed up and moved into a poorly lined coffin that you had to share with others.

“This isn’t right, this isn’t how it ends.” You mutter to yourself.

That stupid motorcycle revs in the distance again as you approach the pool. For someone formally nocturnal, Luna had taken quite happily to lazing by the pool all day. You stomp through a croquet game as the players are distracted by a code blue and tower over your in-law.

”Excuse me…you’re in our light.” She says behind her sunglasses.

What you want to say gets punched out of your head by your brain. “You’re retired and you STILL talk like that?”

Her attention grasped, Luna raises her head and finally looks at you. “In-law? What are you doing here, Mous? Is it not your tv time?”

“Where is she.”

”Whom?”

“Do not FUCK with me, Luna. Where is my wife.”

In the years since you’ve been here and she’s been out of your reach, Luna’s gotten an attitude, one that is expressed when she rolls her eyes and lays back down. “We will not help you have one of your old fabled tantrums to our sister, In-law. Go eat your pudding and leave us be.”

Oh THAT’S it.

The cage your brain has been in here melts in the summer sun around you and you think of something you hadn’t done in years. You reach out and throw Luna’s glasses into the pool.

”Hey-“

“Is THAT how you want to play it, you little shitbird? Should I start asking all those nice young colts I see at the gates on Saturday’s where they get their bits for Flanknite? Do their parents know about that? HUH?”

”Y-you wouldn’t-“

You start gyrating your hips and flossing an invisible towel between your legs. “How the fuck many things have I ever implied I WOULDN’T do, Luna? HUH?!”

Luna’s cheeks turn crimson and she covers her eyes with her hooves.

“C’MON YOU LITTLE HUSSY I KNOW YOU KNOW. TELL ME WHERE MY WIFE IS BEFORE I SHOVE MY SHIFTY SHAFT UP YOUR PRESSURE PLANT YOU BITCH.

”MOUS, PONIES ARE STARING!”

You think of a song “I WANNA BE A MAGIC WARLOCK! I WANNA SPIKE HEADS OFF THE SIDEWALK! LUNA WANTS TO SUCK PRE-TEEN HORSEC-“ Luna clamps her hooves down over your mouth before the final syllable pops out.

“Mmf!”

The Former Princess gives a meek smile to anyone looking. “He’s off his medication!”

How did she know that? It didn’t matter, she shoves her face into yours. ”Whatarethoudoing!?”

You slap your hands on either side of Luna’s head and dig your fingers in, you see a globule of sweat trickle down as she looks over at your fingernails.

“Where. Is. SHE.” You bite out.

The fire in Luna’s eyes ignites, now she understood you. “Golfing. She is always golfing at 10am.”

“Was THAT hard?”

You push Luna back onto her chair and stomp out of the leisure pool as the morning pool-exercise class files in, hoping to use the water to repel the effects of gravity.

”What are you planning, Mous!?” you hear Luna call behind you. You don’t answer. ”Mous! Do not do anything! We’re retired now! The time for your shenanigans has come to an-“

You scoop one of the croquet balls off the ground and throw it as hard as you can behind you. It bounces off Luna’s head with a CLONK and sends her careening into the pool. The lifeguard panics over his cushy job as you stomp your way to the golf course.

That god damn motorcycle is STILL revving, and you can hear it all the way out by the court. Your teeth grind in rhythm to the gas and you smell the stench of tapioca, Silver Shore’s lunch de-jour, waft through the air.

It smells like death and pussy. Walking onto the golf course, you take a deep breath.

“CELESTIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

No response comes, let alone a timely one. Time to kick it up to the next level.

Another deep breath.

“UNICORNS DID TIREK SPACE IS FAKE THEY’RE PUTTING MAGIC IN THE WATER TO TURN THE PARASPRITES GAY CELESTIA IS TEN YEARS OLDER THAN SHE SAYS SHE I-“

”That stops NOW.”

The crack of your neck sounds over the course as you turn around, seeing Celestia behind you accompanied by her entourage of Mares Over Eighty cover models.

“Darling! Do you have a minute??”

Celestia does not look amused. She walks up to you with her nine-iron out. “What are you doing, Mous?”

“Looking for you, my lovely wife.”

”It is too early for conspiracies.”

“That sounds like something “they” would say, darling. Don’t let them rule you like that; you are the former Princess.”

Celestia stone-faces you, silent for a heartbeat. “…Who’s “they”.”

You cup your hands over your mouth and shout to echo through the valley. “THE (((DEER))).”

Celestia’s mask cracks just a bit and you feel a slight pressure press up between the cheeks of your ass.

“WHOA WHOA HEY NOT IN FRONT OF MRS JAMESON!”

Celestia lowers her face to meet yours, her eye twitches. “Ex. Plain.”

She was mad, so were you.

“Duke of dookey.”

Couples fought, it was only natural, especially when you’ve been together so long as the two of you had. Long ago, you and Celestia established a code phrase to let the other know that a situation was serious. With only a moment’s hesitation, Celestia turns to her golf-mates. “Can you excuse my husband and I for a moment? It won’t take long?”

The randies trot away, gossiping to themselves, and Celestia turns her head back to you. “Talk.”

That god damned motorcycle is STILL revving, but you don’t care as the sun beats down on you.

You clench your fists and pump them. “I GOT THIS BURNIN’ LIKE MY VEINS ARE FILLED WITH NOTHING BUT GASOLINE!”

”We’re not doing that today, Mous.”

“Oh COME ON!”

”No, the musicals were cringey.”

“Uhg.”

Bitch

“I just--why are we here? Why are things the way they are? We came here because you said we had to and Luna agreed and we’ve been just…STUCK here since! Watching everything go on outside!”

You begin pacing around. “Now they’re going to put an end to the Summer Sun Celebration and it’s like…why? Why DO that? Everyone loves it! People still enjoy it!”

Celestia nods and sucks her teeth a bit. “I had heard they were going to do that…”

“If you know then let’s stop it!”

Celestia sighs, setting her golf club down. “It isn’t that simple, Mous.”

“Why?”

”Because our time is over. We’re no longer the princesses, Twilight is, she’s fulfilled her destiny and now rules Equestria.” Seemingly knowing you wouldn’t just accept that, she continues. “There comes a time, Mous, a time where the old must be ushered off and the new allowed to come in. We had to leave…so they could grow.”

“…Why?”

”It’s simply the way of things.”

“Wh-wh-wh-who gives a shit, Celly?!”

Celestia winces back a bit from your outburst, you feel the pressure rising in your head, your gut, your entire body feels ready to explode.

“I swear it’s like I’m back in that damn mirror again! What IS it with you ponies and submitting yourselves to “destiny” or “the way things should be”! Is it because of those ass-tattoos that you won’t stand up and FIGHT for yourselves?!”

”Mous…”

“Shut up! We’re out here at the ass end of nowhere having our bodies checked for sours, our food fed to us in liquid form and surrounded by the medicated zombies that make up the elderly population while WE are in the prime of our life for what? Twilight? “Because we’re supposed to?” Fuck that! Fuck doing what we’re supposed to do if it means a slow death watching the world replace us! We can do whatever the FUCK we want, Celestia! And -I- want to keep living! We don’t have to sit here feeling sorry for ourselves!”

Celestia diverts her eyes and rubs her leg with another. “I’m not feeling sorry for myself…”

You march up to your wife and put your face right into hers. “How many rounds of golf have you played this week?”

”Two-hundred and eighty seven.”

“What do you do when you’re not golfing.”

”…Wait to golf."

“See, that’s it!” You walk away from your wife, the thunder in your ears ringing louder “Every second of our days are planned now until the minute of our deaths because “our time is done”? FUCK. THAT! No arbitrary destiny bullshit decides when I’m done doing what I do, and you shouldn’t either! And if I must burn this place to the GROUND to get that through to you, I’ll do it!”

You go around to Celestia’s front. “Fuck “destiny”! Fuck “what we’re supposed to do”! Force your way down a path you choose to take! Do it all yourself if you have to! If life tells you that you need to stop and fade away, grab life by its ugly face and carve your name into its forehead with your LAST breath! I’m not going out any other way and neither should YOU!”

”I knew…” Celestia says quietly, eyes closed.

“Knew wha-“

Celestia jerks forward and presses her lips against yours. You’re caught off guard by the unfamiliar feeling of Celestia forcing her tongue into your mouth and licking the back of your teeth. Her lidded eyes sparkle with the embers of mischief and the wind picks up her hair, swelling it back to its former glorious size.

Celestia tears herself away from you, looking as resplendent and breathtaking as the day you married her, and offering you a smirk. “I KNEW I married you for some reason, whatever that is.”

You clean your mouth on the grass a bit. “Come on, are you telling me you WANT me to turn this place into a madhouse just so we can leave?”

”Residents aren’t permitted to leave the grounds so easily, Mous. Besides…”

Celestia circles around you like a shark and rests her head on your shoulder, looking over Silver Shores. “This place…a little slice of Elysium they called it, is the best retirement center royal money could buy…with round the clock care, constant monitoring of the patients, and everything that would ever be needed to live a quiet, peaceful, uneventful existence…”

Those words, like before, stab into your chest. You feel fire breaking out of them, ready to burst if pushed any further. Part of your mind catches, remembering you’re a father, a prince, and wondering if you should do this.

”Want you to?” Your wife, the Princess you decided to spend your long life with, brings her head up and flits her soft, gentile tongue into your ear. ”I want you to try~” she whispers in a tone only ever reserved for your bedroom.

Your pants tighten.

The flickering ashes in you explode into a familiar towering inferno. And that god damned motorcycle finally catches, filling the whole valley with a loud VROOOOOOOOM. VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.
Music

Back in the main building, you talk on the phone. “A-huh. And I need it delivered.” They respond back to you, you look at the clock. The festival would be starting at sundown, meaning roughly seven hours from now. Factoring in time to get from here to Ponyville if you flew as well as what else you needed to get done and wiggle room…

“Get it here in two hours.”

The phone talks back.

“Yes I know what I said. Get it here in two hours, do as your prince commands!”

You hang up the phone and glare at it. Stupid animal store should listen to your old and crusty royal authority.

“Alright alright, next up…”

You leave the phone and hurry to the back hall. The entrance to the pill room was here and staffed at all times by two orderlies ready to dole out sense-deadeners to the residents at a moments notice.

Your goal was inside, so you needed them out. You swing past the orderly stand while one of them isn’t looking and swipe the tv remote. Normally set to the news or some other mind numbing ass-drippings, you memorized the content lock code when one of the aids was being particularly lax. You didn’t blame him, why be attentive when everyone around you is functionally a corpse?

“Let’s see…one-one…one-one.”

The tv accepts the code and switches to some old buddy guard show. A grizzled old veteran and his zebra partner lean out the side of their carriage as they go on a destructive chase through the streets of Canterlot. You crank the volume as a poorly choreographed explosion goes off and every head in the room creaks over to see, some ancient mouths even turn up into smiles.

”CODE PURPLE! CODE PURPLE! ENERGIZING MEDIA ON THE CAMPUS!” blares a loudspeaker. Orderlies from the desk and, just as you planned it, the pill counter rush out to try and get the offending imagery off the tv.

You beat feet inside at maximum stealth index and flip open the medicine cabinets, searching for your target. There wasn’t much time before the tv was neutered and the residents safe!

“Excreeti-lax excreeti-lax,…come on, with all the bran and milk you feed these fools, it has to be somewhere.”

You find the bottle you need, it was the one with the atom bomb on the front, and pocket as many of them as you can fit.

Jingling with your fetid arsenal, you slip out the pharmacy door and creep through the halls towards the back, near the kitchen. No “Caretakers only” sign stops you from sneaking in and calling out “SMOKE BREAK!” to the room.

”Thank FUCKING Celestia” you hear one of the younger workers say, throwing a spoon down.

”If I have to spend one more minute looking at these fossils, I’m going to blow my brains out into the soup.” The other says.

The two of them file out the back door for their nic fix which gives you about ten minutes to sneak in. You slide over to where they were working and examine todays meal. Pudding, again, tapioca from the smell of it.

“Alright, I can work with this.”

Ten minutes are spent pouring the pills into a bowl, crushing them up, and pouring that bowl into the pudding mix. As your time begins to run out and you hear the cooks returning, you quickly spit into the mix and make for the door.

You didn’t feel bad about it, they were probably doing that already.

90 minutes to your delivery.

There is a small gymnasium at the back of the main building where the orderlies try to get the somewhat more mobile residents some exercise through what has been known by you as “the osteoporosis dance”. There’s also a supply closet with an easily battered off doorknob where they keep large tubs of wax to make the floor look newer.

These facts together tell you all you need know as you dunk a rag in the wax.

“Time trial. GO!”

You fall forward and till tilt run along the floor, pushing the rag with your hands and leaving a greasy snail trail behind you. There’s no rhyme or reason to your pattern, nor did you try to coat the entire floor. The key to any mine field was a truly random pattern to maximize surprise.

You run hither and tither, to and fro, backways and forwards. You hit the walls, the railings, even some chairs. You spell “Ballsack” in wax and giggle to yourself as the sun masks your work.

You giggle to yourself as you finish the K in “sack” and run face first into some blue legs. ”We thought we had heard giggling in here.”

Damn wax got you on your ass too.

“The hell are you doing here, Luna?”

”We could ask you that same question!”

You stand up and look your in-law in the eyes one of them blacker from a ball hitting her in the face.

“I’m whack-zing off.”

Hehehe.

Luna’s face is not amused. “Are you well?”

“I’m awake. Leave me alone, blueballs!”

You try to get back to the wax, but Luna circles around you. “We shall NOT! As recently as yesterday thou were calm and normal whereas today you have attacked me, many have seen you stomping about and now I find you here! Tis almost like back before-”

Luna’s eyes go wide as she looks into your own, really looks into them.

HEHEHE.

You lean down to her. “Boo.”

Luna swats you with her hoof. “Do not be foolish!”

“OW! You bitch!”

Luna gasps. “You swore! You will tell us what has gotten into you at once!”

You stand up straighter and compose yourself, holding up one finger. “You see-“

Time has dulled Luna’s agility and leaves her no time to respond when you hock your throat back and spit a ball of snot and spittle into her good eye.

”AAAAUUUUGGGGGHH!” she groans.

With a hearty Woodpecker laugh, you slide out the door and down the hall down the hall with the grease on your feet.

“Sorry Lulu! Better luck next time!”

”MOUS!” you hear her shout before she trips on a waxy spot. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”

“Bringing sexy back!”

One more. One more is all you had time for.

Luna was a hound out for blood after your repeated abuses, so you needed to be quick. Around this time, you know that the orderlies liked to read boring grocery store paperbacks to the seniors. You think you’d prefer a concrete enema, so you slide into your bedroom for something before going to the reading lounge. You get a few odd looks when you show up with a dozen scented candles.

“…What? It smells like feet in here.”

The orderly reading shrugs and continues to read, not paid enough to stop you. You start walking around the reading area, lighting and leaving the candles as you go. You can hear the story the residents are being read.

”The story begins in a far off land…highlands hundreds of years in the past among a race of peaceful hill-ponies.”

Okay this was the most boring story ever produced, time to focus on what you’re doing.

You snicker as you set another of your “special” candles down. Over the many years of your marital bliss, Celestia had taken up the hobby of collecting “marital aids” and “mood candles” to help facilitate her desires the moment they struck her or when you were being recalcitrant. This one you just lit was the one that helped Astra get conceived.

After so many years of smelling these candles so damned often, you had built up a healthy tolerance to their effects, just enough to get you out of here before the fireworks started.

”-would experience something called “The Quickening”, but only if they peacefully solved their disagreements first.” You hear the orderly read.

Wait.

“What?”

You turn your attention to the reading circle now fully.

”MacLeod was a student of an old wizard mentor, who passed away peacefully in his sleep because his immortality powers had run out.”

No!

They’re ruining it!

You light two more candles and walk up behind the orderly. “Can I help you sir?”

“I’m just entranced by your story.” You say through clenched teeth. “Please, continue.”

She grins a smug grin and does so.

Yeah that’s it lady, look away…

Something deep inside you urges you to preserve the artistic integrity of a treasure from your homeland. Through pantomime.

”MacLeod had a friend, a pony named Kreuger, who was also trying to obtain the Prize. He and MacLeod would try for many days to solve their problems.”

Behind the orderly, you get the senior’s attention by miming a sword fight and resulting decapitation. Whether due to the loosening effects of the candles or because this orderly was just that boring, you have eyes on you instantly.

”You see, the Prize would let him see his wife and all his friends again! It’s been such a long time.”

You point to your wedding band and drag your thumb across your throat, illustrating what happened to the wife.

”And when MacLeod had finally finished talking to Kruger, he and his new friend returned to the peaceful hills he had been born in.”

You face your back to the crowd and wrap your arms around yourself, enthralled by passion and as you kiss nothing.

The residents make a collective noise of interest for once and lean in. “They go back to his home, eh? Really?” one asks.

The orderly smiles, ignorant of you. “Yes! And they live happy ever after.”

Another groan of interest and a lick of the lips from the residents as you thrust your hips fervently in the smoke-clogged air.

Everyone with a brain knew how that story ended, no matter how they try to sanitize it. You look over the reading group and spot what you wanted to see. Lidded eyes, a few hooves on hips, light chuckles and flushed cheeks. Even the orderly was looking a bit red.

Yes. PERFECT, THIS IS- You look down at your own tightening pants, apparently your resilience isn’t what you thought.

“Oh fuck, I’m not getting caught in this.”

”Launguage!” the orderly says, but you’re already out the door.

Your package should be here anyway.

You know, the other package.

You drop the heavy box down on the ground as a loud CRACK comes from down the hall. Nearly letting out a help, you lean forward onto it.

“It’s time!”

”What’s time?” you hear from behind you, your wife coming in from outside.

You chuckle, low and sharp.

“The release!”

”Well you know how much I love those.~”

“Shut up, Celly.”

Groans come from the cafeteria in time for a loud droning in your ear.

”There you both are!”

“UHG.”

Luna approaches from your opposite side and stomps her hoof. “Mous we demand to know what you are both up to at ONCE!”

Celestia puts on her innocent face. “Me? I just got here.”

“You’re both DISTRACTING ME!” you shout.

”From wha-“ starts Luna before she’s interrupted by the Silver Shores staff entering a panic.

They run in from all corners.

”I need all hands at the gymnasium! We’ve got over two dozen falls in the middle of dance practice! They’re in a pile and tripping over each other to get up!”

”MY HIP!” you hear from down the hall as the orderly winces. “It’s a nightmare.”

”Nightmare?” one of the other asks “NIGHTMARE?! I just came from the cafeteria, THAT’S a nightmare! Something must have contaminated the kitchen because all at once the residents just-” The orderly thrusts his head closer to his coworkers for emphasis. “It’s EVERYWHERE!”

The last orderly, the one from the reading room, has been quiet and looks past her colleagues with her eyes wide.

“Don’t go into the rec room.”

”Oh no, what’s happening in there?” the first asks, pushing past her to go see. She holds her hoof out and stops him.

“DON’T. Go. To the rec room.”

“Celly, get the carriage.”

”For wha-“

Doors at all ends of the building fly open and they come. From the north comes a pile of wrinkled, hanging flesh that pulls itself along the floor, struggling against a wax coat that covers everything they touch. From their decrepit mouths, they moan for walkers, pills, calcium as they crawl on bruised hips towards the staff.

The east doors to the cafeteria burst open as another orderly runs to safety, letting waft in the putrid smell of stale pudding run through the bile ducts of a populace that, cumulatively, exceeds both your wife and sister in age. You hear multiple SPLATS from inside along with the groans of gastrointestinal distress.

The west, the worst of all, held the reading room. You can’t see or smell anything there, but you most assuredly hear the sounds that the Canterlot palace was forced to hear for years that so traumatized the nurse.

”Oh my.” Celestia says.

”What did you DO!?” Luna shouts, less amused.

You place your foot on the box Captain Morgan style and lean on your knee.

“Nothing yet and it’s about to get a lot worse. Silver Shores Staff!”

The collected staff momentarily look away from their fleshy, poopy, fluid-y fate.

“We are leaving your care! I leave you a gift for the years of HELL this place has put me through!”

”What is in that box?” one asks.

You grin like the devil himself and kick one side of the box down, releasing the swarm.

“BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSS!”

Luna screams.

Celestia goes wide eyed and grabs you. “OH SHIT.” She exclaims.

Your wife hurries you and her sister off as the swarm of insects and shambling dead descends on Silver Shores while you cackle to yourself.

“BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSS! HAHAHA!”

-Later-

“Ow, fuck. Be gentle.”

”If I had a bit for every time I heard that…”

“Oh my god, stop.”

”You stop being a baby, baby.” Celestia uses her magic to pull a bee stinger from your cheek and bring the swelling down as you all cut through the air in a royal carriage.

”I hope the two of you are PROUD of yourselves!” Luna chides on the other end of the carriage. “A home for dozens ruined by bees, excrement and—guh…lewdness.”

“Hey lots of people secretly want to be in an orgy, even the elderly.”

”Really?” Celestia asks. “I may still know some takers…”

“SHUT up, Celly.”

Luna scoffs. “Floral Lace was a WIDOWER!”

“And now she has three fine gentlecolts ready to court her! At the same time, at that!”

”Lucky bitch.” Celestia says.

”Well what about the fire!?” cries Luna.

You chuckle. “Yeah, no one ever anticipates a fire.”

You did feel bad about THAT.

Luna sighs and rubs her head. “I just do not understand why any of this had to happen.”

“We were DYING in there, Lunes.”

”I was not dying! I was sunbathing!”

“As a moon princess! Hypocrite that you are!”

”That is not even RELEVENT. Do not try to offend me!”

Oh, OFFEND her?? You take a deep breath.

“N-“

Celestia’s hoof shoves its way into your mouth. “SAVE IT, sweetheart. You’ll want all your belly fire for when we arrive.” Celestia walks over to Luna as the carriage banks. “Sister…we have been alive for many years, haven’t we?”

”Yes?”

”And been on our best, most Princessly behavior for most of it.”

”Indeed, as was our station.”

A glint caches Celestia’s eye as she leans closer. “Don’t you get TIRED of it sometimes?” Luna leans back as Celestia gets closer and flashes her teeth. “Don’t you want to go APE shit??”

”When I last did that, you banished me to the moon.”

“She’s got you there.”

Celestia rolls her eyes. “And they say I don’t try.” Celestia saunters back over to you. “If I could put it into simpler words, sister…It’s better to burn out…”

“Than fade away!”

You and Celestia do a booty check as Luna sighs, shaking her head.

Whatever, fuck her, she was a stick in the mud.

You open the window on the side of the carriage to shout out to the pegusi pulling you, the sun was nearing the edge of the horizon and Ponyville wasn’t close enough.

“FASTER! PUT SOME FUCKING BALLS INTO IT!”

Celestia’s head pokes out next to yours. “Someone say balls?”

“Shut UP, Celly!”

Ponyville, sunset.

A crowd has gathered here, before Princess Twilight Sparkle’s ceremonial stage to witness the final Summer Sun Celebration. Murmers fall to a hush as the Princess takes center stage and speaks into the microphone, addressing the entire town and then some.

”I see a lot of long faces out here tonight…even for us ponies.”

A few laughs, always start with a joke.

”I know this isn’t the happiest celebration…endings never are. I know that every parent here, some of my closest friends, will tell their children about the fun they had at the Summer Sun Celebration and how much they miss it.” A long silence falls over the crowd. Princess Twilight lets out a content sigh. “The Summer Sun Celebration was my first day in Ponyville…it was the first day I met all my friends and my destiny changed forever. I wouldn’t be the princess I am today without it.”

A few sniffles from said friends.

”But…isn’t this for the best? Years and years of celebrations, so MANY memories! Now we can…put them all in the box, wrap them up with a bow, and tuck them away. The Summer Sun Celebration can remain pure, untainted, and perfect for the rest of time in our minds.”

Twilight smiles, floating up a leather bound, gold trimmed tome. She wipes a tear from her eyes as she slots a picture of herself and all her friends into the last page. “Because…something isn’t beautiful because it lasts forever.”

A few sniffles cover tears in the crowd

”I know I’ll take the Summer Sun Celebration with me in my heart forever…and I know you all will too.”

Twilight raises a golden scepter in her magical grip above her head. “And so, as Princess of Friendship, I hearby declare this, the final Summer Sun Celebration, officially-“

”LOOK UP IN THE SKYYYYYYYYYYYY!” Pinkie Pie yells from her place in the crowd.

Heads pivot to the west as a screaming chariot peels itself from the setting sun and crashes into the ground. The carriage bounces along the earth towards the stage to the shock of everypony watching as they gallop out of its path. The carriage springs off the ground and onto the stage, skidding to a halt right as Twilight’s princely brother leaps forward towards its door. “Twiley! Get behind me, I’ll prote-“

The door of the carriage gets kicked open and smacks him in the face.

“FUCK. YOU.”

The Crystal Prince hits the ground like a sack of wet potatoes.

You climb out of the broken carriage while Luna vomits over the side and your flier shoots off behind a cloud to hide “Look at you. Shining Dipshit. When have you EVER done anything cool?”

You toss a deep dab down to your fallen homie and tilt your head up and lock eyes with Twilight. “M-M-Mous?”

“M-m-me! Fuckass!”

You march over to Twilight and deploy slappy hands to drive her away from the podium.

“Gimme that fucking microphone!”

The crowd gasp, you flip them off.

“What is this? Huh? Why are you all just WATCHING?”

You point over to Twilight and her friends. “You’re just letting this purple moron take away the things you love because…?”

The crowd is silent, possibly not getting that was a question. “BECAUSE…?! You want to KILL something you LOVE because what?! It’s “time for it to go”? “It’s been years”? I WASN’T AWARE HARMONY WAS SYNONYMOUS WITH BEING A GIANT FUCKING PUSSY!”

The sound system rings feedback over the crowd.

”Because it’s TIME to, Mous!” you hear behind you.

You turn behind you, Twilight and her friends are glaring at you. Twilight repeats herself. “This is it! Our time to step aside and let things take their natural course!” She floats up her book again. “Don’t you understand we need to let THIS tradition go to allow new ones to take root?”

“AND WHY THE HELL IS THAT YOU DAFT, PURPLE SISCON!?”

THAT’S RIGHT Twilight, you know all about THAT. Twilight turns beat red and begins to stammer, hiding behind her wings. You take that opportunity to stride up to her and snatch the book from her grip. The girls, the crowd, and some weird dragon way too buff to be Spike all gasp as you tear the back cover of the book off with your teeth.

”W-why would you do that too a book!?” Twilight pleads.

“Because he events of Twilight Sparkle’s life do NOT dictate how I live MINE. Or anyone else for that matter!”

You waggle the book in her face. “What is this “ending” garbage? Because WE have to stop living when YOU declare your story finished? FUCK that and FUCK you, Purplesmart! You’re a bitch!”

Twilight is taken aback by your outburst, Rainbow Dash rolls her eyes and crosses her arms in a very gay flight jacket.
“Okay, this is getting us nowhere. Tag in!”

You hear someone climb onto the stage behind you and turn around again.

”Mous, what the fuck.” Grand Magister Anon asks.

Music

You lower your microphone and walk towards Anon with purpose.

”Look, if you’re upset about something this ISN’T the way to deal with it, you-“ Then he sees the look in your eyes and that you’re not stopping. “-need toNONOTTTHEFACE-“

Anon shuts up when you throw your arms around him and pull him as close as you can, squeezing as hard as you can.

“I missed you…so much.”

Anon’s breath comes in shallow, confused gasps. “…Mous…wh-what are you doing here?”

“This is WRONG. Anon. All this. It doesn’t END this way.”

The microphone between you broadcasts your words to everypony.

”It’s just a summer solstice celebration, Mous. There’s no need to-“

“IT’S NOT JUST THAT! NOT TO THEM!” you roar.

You point to the crowd. “LOOK at them, Anon. Pull your head OUT of the clouds or your ass and see how THEY feel! This isn’t just a celebration to them, it’s a part of their community! It IS their community, sometimes! They’ve met ponies they never could have anywhere else because of this and you want to say that’s over just because SHE does?” You jerk your thumb towards Twilight.

”Mous…how many problems have cropped up during the Summer Sun Celebration? Nightmare Moon for just one.”

“How many didn’t? How many fell in love or made lifelong friends or found a PURPOSE at these things? You wanna get rid of that just for some dusty libraries? Remember things that happened rather than let people experience the world this place made them fall in love with?”

”What about living in peace, Mous? Doesn’t Equestria deserve tha-“

“Peace? PEACE!? Peace is a slow death watching the things you SHOULD have done happen outside your window! It’s abandoning every ambition and muse you’ve ever had to sit back and grow FAT off your own self-worth so you can say “Ah, I was there.”. “Peace” is a load of HORSE SHIT that robs everyone of a reason to live! Some drama or pain is part and parcel of life and avoiding it is saying you’re okay no longer being alive!”

Anon sighs. ”Mous…maybe it’s time for our time to end. We had a good run.”

A single gasp fills the entire town when you reach back and punch Anon in the stomach. “PULL YOUR FUCKING PANTS UP YOU TOOL!”

You grab his head like you did Luna’s. “Everything we still love isn’t GOING anywhere, Anon! It’s RIGHT here! All you have to do is have the BALLS to reach out and grab it! No matter WHAT whatever authority says! YOU know it’s right, so YOU get to decide!”

Anon groans and looks up at you. “Is this what you’ve been doing in retirement?!”

You scoff. ”Retirement is admitting to yourself that you can’t get any better than where you are RIGHT. NOW. You’re throwing in the towel because you don’t think you’ll be able to do BETTER later! It’s defeatism! If you’re doing well you don’t stop, you KEEP GOING. If you’re not doing well, you fix it and KEEP GOING TOO.”

You reach down and grab Twilight’s golden scepter, looking at the crimson jewel at the head.

“Well I say that we’re not done here, not by a LONG shot. Who CARES if the Princess says we’re done, we can have our OWN Summer Sun Celebration! With blackjack! And hookers!”

”Hookers?” someone chimes in.

“SHUT UP, CELLY!”

You turn your attention back to Anon, your eternal antithesis. “Who gives a FUCK if it won’t be official, who CARES if we won’t see another “actual” Summer Sun Celebration. It’ll be OURS, and the fact that we’ll care about it at all means it’ll have just as much soul as the real one.”

You poke Anon with your finger, feeling his heartbeat quicken.

“THAT’S what this is and that’s why it matters. It’s the soul of Equestria."

Anon laughs once, recovered from his gut punch and staring into your eyes. “You’re talking crazy.”

“Then let’s BE crazy, just like we always have. Crazy or not, you haven’t said a GODdamn word why we shouldn’t besides “We just have to”. We didn’t HAVE to make our lives here, but we did. Would you trade that for anything?”

Anon looks to your finger. “…No, no I wouldn’t.”

You point that finger to the crowd. Gone were their sad faces, replaced now with anticipation to see how which fate would shake out here.

“Do you see a SINGLE pony out there who’s really okay with this?”

Anon stares for a long time, taking in each of their faces and finally thinking with his heart. “…No, no I do not.”

“You’re damn right…Anon.”

”Huh?”

Just as with your wife, you and your brother had a secret code-phrase. One that was meant to re-affirm your commitment to each other in every walk of life, no matter what came between you. A brotherly bond that couldn’t be broken by time, nor distance, nor chains of despair.

You grip the scepter shaft and present it to Anon.

“JUST WHO-”

A smile tugs at the corner of Anon’s mouth that’s been gone for years as he’s transported back to the man he was when you both set out on this path.

With great gusto, Anon reaches out and grabs the scepter with you. “IN THE HELL-” Without practice, without plan, and without hesitation, the two of you swing the scepter that would end the Celebration into the stage, shattering its jewel and with it the authority it brings. The passion of the crowd erupts just as it had for you a few hours ago.

”DO YOU THINK WE ARE!?”

Over the din of the crowd, Twilight pushes her way forward. ”Hold ON a minute! Have you all gone insane?! We can’t just keep going after all the effort we put into planning to stop! We’ve known this was coming for YEARS! Nothing can last forever!”

“Why the HELL not?!”

You reel back at Twilight, jamming a finger into her face. “We can do WHATEVER we want in this life! Even if it means being immature fuck-asses who just try to have a good time! We’ll take it day by day and turn our celebration into one that’s even better than your “official” one any day!”

”You can’t POSSIBLY do all that! The organization alone would-“

You grab Twilight by the royal raiment and pull her close, pressing your forehead to hers right below her horn and staring right into her eyes.

“Of COURSE we can. THAT’S how a DRILL works.”

Twilight looks to the cheering crowd behind you. The Princesses mouth hangs open a bit as she looks back to you. “I have…absolutely no idea how to respond to that.”

“Of course you don’t, you don’t get it.”

Tch. Women.

Twilight looks to the carriage, to the salvation she never abandoned. “Celestia! A little help here, please?”

The former ruler of Equestria walks over, somehow regaining all the grace she had on the throne. “Twilight, do you know what the most important part of any relationship is? A friend, a husband, or one Princess to another?”

”…Believing in each other?”

Celestia chuckles her royal chuckle, patting her student on the back with her wing. “It’s telling us when we might be wrong.”

Twilight looks up at her. “Princess…are you saying you’ve made mistakes before?”

Celestia looks between Luna and you, then back to Twilight. “Oh yeah.”

”But you’re perfect!”

”Perfection is overrated, Twilight.”

”But-“ Twilight stammers. “BUT”

“Yeah, yours is huge. Must be an alicorn.”

Anon snickers behind you, you high-five him.

Celestia pats Twilight on the back. “My faithful, brilliant, wonderful student. You learned so much about friendship in the time I’ve taught you…but ask yourself this question.”

Celestia gestures to the crowd with her wing. “Would these ponies be here if they didn’t care for the Summer Sun Celebration enough to miss it if it was gone?”

The crowd cheers, you raise your hands to them. “YES! RISE UP!”

The cheering intensifies, you hear someone in the back shout “VERONICAAAAAA”. You think it was Button Mash. Kid was a fucking weirdo since he grew up.

”You’re all ignoring one important detail.” Twilight says. “You’re presuming everyone WANTS to keep coming. What happens if we continue as we are but attendance drops, what if one day, nopony comes?”

You shrug.

“Fuck ‘em.”

Twilight’s poker-face is strong. “Life is NOT that simple.”

“Sure it is, Fffffffffffffuck ‘em.”

”But-“

“Stop worrying for once in your life, Princess Wet Blanket.”

Twilight looks down at her hooves. Still a princess, but suddenly her old self. “Could I have let it all go to my head? Could I have felt the need for the younger generation to have their own journeys like I did that I thought our stories couldn’t exist together?”

“You said it yourself, Twi. Your story all started at your first Summer Sun Celebration, right? Well, every Sun Celebration is someone’s first, that means there’s stories starting every year at one.”

”Of…course!" Twilight exclaims, smile lighting up as she grabs the microphone again. “Listen up, Everypony! This may not have been what I had planned…but thanks to my friends, my mentor, and all of you, I now know in my heart that the Summer Sun Celebration is just as important to all of your lives as it was mine! And so long as we all experience it together, it will never die!”

The crowd cheers for their princess and claps, even you clap. Twilight keeps talking. “My heart also tells me one more thing!”

“Eh?”

The microphone drops from Twilight’s grip and shoots forward like a boxer’s hoof directly into your crotch. You curl up and fall to the floor.

”That you deserved that. Roll the music!”

Music

Pilot.

You roll over in your bed. That goddamn sun has been waking you up every morning since you got here and this was no different.

You turn over to the other in the bed. "If I smother you in your sleep, will it never be morning again?"

Celestia opens her eyes. "If you wanted to not be awake during the day, you should be sleeping with Luna."

"Fuck that. I like my hearing." you retort.

"Then I'm afraid you're going to have to make due, dear." Celestia coos.

You roll yourself out of bed and walk to the bathroom. "You should not raise the sun for me, call it a birthday present."

"You're birthday present is that I don't send you to the moon for the things you pull."

"You'd miss me."

You root around the medicine cabinet for your toothbrush.

You pull out a small tube of medicine. Hmm...the spermicide is expired.

"Your anti fetus jelly is good for another month!" you shout into the room.

"How wonderful for you!" Celestia calls back.

Heh. Dumbass.

You were sitting at breakfast. The entire royal family was here; You, Celestia, Luna, Candace and Shining Armor. You mostly sat silently and ate.

And screwed with Celestia a bit.

"Celly, you burnt my toast." you say.

"If you would let me off the hook with this bet, I wouldn't have to use my magic to cook your damn toast." she says.

"Hell no! Then you would learn nothing." You bite into the toast. "And what did you learn?"

Celestia sighs. "That you can make me shout my own name..."

Heh.

"You narcissist." you say as you pinch her cheek.

Luna sighs. "Honestly, I don't see how you two tolerated each other long enough to make it to the altar."

"She fucking tricked me is ho-"

Celestia shoves a roll in your mouth. "I did no such thing, he simply lost a bet."

"What sort of bet would be worth you get married over?" Shining Armor asks.

"A hay sausage eating contest." Celestia says.

You inhale your roll. "She still cheated. She can unhinge her jaw or some shit."

Celestia shoves another roll into your mouth. "Language, dear. We're at breakfast."

She leans in closer. "Besides, you enjoy my tricks." She whispers.

Cadence eyes the two of you. "That still doesn't explain why the two of you would stay together."

Celestia straightened her back. "I would be a poor monarch if I attempted to back out on my wor-

It's your turn to shove a roll of bread into someone's mouth. "What she means to say is that she likes the feel of my fingers and that I have a wicked long tongue." you say with a smile.

The rest of the royal family just stares at you.

"What? I mean it. Look." You open your mouth and take in the shocked reactions as your tongue drops past your chin.

Gene Simmons can eat it.

You and Celestia are walking through the castle halls.

"Celly, you and your job make me look like shit." you say.

"It's your fault for having a shit job."

You throw your arms in the air "Everything is a shit job compared to raising the stupid sun."

"You work at a spa, dear."

"Don't knock my spa work, you love my spa work."

"It's still a spa."

"And you still move the second largest celestial body in the solar system!"

Celestia stops in the middle of the hallway and stares at you. "...Second largest?"

"Your ass is first."

Celestia takes the offending derriere and shoves it in your face. "I don't hear you complaining."

"Probably because you scream loud enough to raise the bloody dead." you quip.

"I don't hear you complaining about that either."

"It's just good to know your ancient ass hasn't up and died while I'm stuck inside you."

You eventually come to a staircase. "This is me." Celestia says.

"Have fun "meeting" the Griffin Jarl."

Celestia smirks. "What are you implying?"

"That you get more diplomacy done with those lips." You point to her rear. "Then with those." You point to her face.

Celestia chuckles and pecks you on the cheek as she trots up the stairs. "Have a good day at work dear. Learn a new trick with your hands, or I turn you into a statue."

Yeah, you'd think about that. If you were going to work.

You are Celestia. You have just spent the better part of the day playing diplomat with the Griffin High Jarl.

"I think this trade agreement is going to work out, Princess." He says.

"That is very nice to hear Jarl. It is good to see our kingdoms living in harmony.

"Yes. For far too long have we...been...apart..." The Jarl's eyes seem to be watching something behind you.

You sigh. "My husband is making faces again, isn't he?"

"He appears to be rubbing his buttocks against the window."

"THE GRAND DUKE OF DOOKY DEMANDS TO KNOW WHY HE WAS NOT INVITED TO THIS DELEGATION!" Mous shouted from outside.

You turn and cast a spell to blow out the windows.

"Mous, if I've told you once, I've told you a dozen times. You are not a Duke!" you shout.

"I'M DIDDLING THE SUN! I CAN BE WHATEVER I WANT!" He says as he jumps off the edge of the window into the moat below.

"AND I REGRET IT EVERY MORNING!" You call down.

"THAT'S NOT WHAT OUR BEDSHEETS SAY! ALWAYS BET ON THE DUKE!" He shouts back up.

You grunt and turn back to the Jarl. "Should I go?" he asks.

"Hell no dude! She's totally checking you out!" Comes a faint voice from outside the window.

You are Mous. You had successfully evaded your wife's wrath. You spent the rest of the day following your In-Law Shining Armor as you grilled him about his sex life.

You snuck back into your room as the sun was getting lowered. "There you are." A voice says from the balcony.

"Aww. Did you miss me? I'm touched."

"I just thought I'd let you know that the Jarl has agreed to go forward with the trade treaty despite your actions." Celestia says.

"Despite? You mean because of! I just made you look like you have the patience of a saint, Strobe Light. That Jarl is going home knowing that you aren't going to renege on your bargain." you say.

Celestia laughs as she levitates her jewelry off and takes a seat in front of her mirror. "Come brush my hair." She says as you take a drink out of the cooler under the bed.

"With that rat's nest? Don't you have people for that? Or magic?"

"I do. But I also have a husband with digits." she coos.

You stare at her as she makes a pouty face. "Fine, but you're making this up to me."

Celestia rubs the her head against your hand as you grab the brush. "Mmmm~ How?"

"Not like that, you fucking nympho. I want a catapult."

Celestia releases a mighty laugh. "What could you need a catapult for?"

"Part of this agreement is that you don't ask."

Another chuckle escapes her. "Have fun pulling it from the South wall."

"Fuck that. "I'll just do stuff with it there." You say as you start to pull the brush through Celestia's stupid moving mane.

You lift your leg as a fart echoes through the bedroom. "It was you."

Meet the Parents.

Theme Song

"I'm going to kill your sister." you say as Celestia tried to brush out the wrinkles in your shirt.

This was your good shirt, rarely worn.

Celestia sighs. "I might help you there."

"I mean, what part of "my sister is pregnant"-

"MIGHT be pregnant..." she corrects.

Sorry, "MIGHT be pregnant" says "I should tell our parents!"?".

Celestia sighs as she orbits around you. "Luna has always been...a bit archaic."

"Out of touch with reality" Is more like it, was this really how things were back in her day?"

"It was a different time, dear. Discord had just been put down, industry had yet to bloom."

"You were still chaste."

Celestia offers one final tug to smooth out any wrinkles. "Not quite, dear."

"Gross."

"Not all of us can afford to have our first time be with a goddess." she coos.

"I know right? Instead I just get your skank ass."

Celestia kisses your cheek. "Sweet talker."

You examine yourself in the mirror and turn to your wife. "Well, how do I look?"

Celestia bends her neck to look at you from various angles. "Like a polished turd."

"Now who's the sweet talker?"

Celestia laughs as she walks over to her beauty desk. "Help me with my jewelry."

"Don't you have magic?"

"Don't you have husbandly duties?"

You scoff as you step over.

"I fulfill my husbandly duties every damn night and some mornings you bimbo."

You both entered into the dining hall. The sun hung low, just barely touching the horizon.

"You sure it's a good idea to wait?" you ask.

Celly nods. "My parents always appreciated a bit of a show."

There comes twin flashes of light at the entrance to the hall. One portal is of pure white light, with waves of radiance cascading off of it. Through it steps an alicorn of almost living cosmic fire, the ends of her mane continuing to spiral without end. On her flank was a cutie mark of a galaxy.

Spin on, Queen Galaxia.

The other portal was one of almost infinite blackness, lances of white energy erupted from its center. The alicorn from this portal put Luna to shame. Luna's mane was stars, while this one's entire body was. His mane stood as still as stone, while his ethereal sky-scape constantly shifted inside him.

King Cosmos, it seemed.

Celestia seemed positively giddy next to you. "Mother! Father!" she shouts as she gallops up to them.

Wow...You've never seen Celestia so...happy. Kinda nice.

Celestia embraced each of her parents. "Hello Sweetheart..." Galaxia says.

Cosmos stared out the window. "I see that the sun remains out." he says with his booming voice.

Celestia gives her father a peck on the cheek. "Oh father, we just rushed down here to meet you! I'll set it right away."

With a familiar glow of magic, the sun is pushed that final bit and begins to descend over the horizon.

You see Celestia turn back to you. "Dear, come meet my parents!" she says.

You notice that you are standing a good couple dozen feet away.

Nice first impression...

You can't stop staring at Cosmos as you approach him. Probably because he's glaring at you.

SHIT. THINK OF SOMETHING TO SAY.

"I have impregnated your daughter with my extra-dimensional spawn"

"I have been inside your daughter in every safe way imaginable, and several unsafe ways."

"I find your wife incredibly attractive due to the loose connection she shares with a cartoon from my home."

NONE OF THOSE WILL WORK.

"Hi Dad!" you say.

Cosmos huffs. "Hello, human."

NICE SAVE.

You offer the best smile you can and throw your arm around Celestia. "Great to see you! We missed you at the wedding."

Celestia whips her tail at you. You take that as wife-speak for "Don't tell my parents we got married in twenty minutes in Las Pegasus."

Queen Galaxia smiles at you. "Yes, unfortunately, our duties demanded we stay behind." she nuzzles her daughters head. "Despite our wishes otherwise."

Celestia turns to her parents. "Shall we eat?"

Dinner consisted of the four of you seated at a small table that was brought out. You remained quiet as you silently ate your food. Cosmos was still staring at you. It was getting to the point where even Celestia and Galaxia were staring at the two of you.

"Uh...Something wrong?" you ask.

"You are eating meat." he says.

You look down at your plate; two and a half Bass rested on it, still steaming.

"Uh...yeah. The palace chefs are able to go all out."

You actually hadn't noticed, you had become used to the diet here.

Cosmos flares his nostrils. "You serve meat here regularly?" he asks.

Celestia is quick to placate. "We regularly have many ambassadors from foreign nations staying the night in our embassy, so we have a small stockpile of food to fit their alternate diet."

Cosmos grunts an acknowledgment and goes back to eating.

Okay...evaded getting atomized, now you just had to survive the rest of this.

Galaxia turns to her daughter. "So, how did the two of you meet?"

Shit.

You turn to Celestia. This was bad. How do you make "She blackmailed me into sleeping with her all night." sound good?

"Uh...do you remember Celly? It was so long ago...

Galaxia chuckled. "Celly?"

You offer a smile "It's a pet name."

Galaxia returns a warm smile. Alright, Mom is on your side.

Celestia raises a hoof to her chin. "Hmm...well, Mous and I met for the first time when he first arrived here."

"Yeah...I remember I wandered off and she was able to help me back."

That's one way to put it...

"And we just saw each other more over time, right dear?"

"Uh, right!"

The two of you both put on the same smile as you try to sell the story, leaving out as much of the blackmail and anal foreplay as possible.

Galaxia just smiles back. "And the wedding?"

That get's Cosmos attention. "I would like to hear of this as well."

SHIT.

You and Celestia both exchange a nervous glance.

"Well..." you start.

"It started with a little get together we had planned...."

A bet that got made at the Summer Sun Celebration.

"We had been in love for a while beforehand..."

She sent a carriage to the apartment every weekend asking you for "your input" on a matter.

"Right right, and well, he and I were alone when I let slip that I sought his hand in marriage..." Celly states.

You lost the bet.

"I accepted and we began planning the wedding almost immediately."

You flew to Las Pegasus.

"But we were sure to take long enough to ensure that everything was perfect, and we were wed in the winter."

You were married twenty minutes after you got there.

"The wedding was held in this really nice chapel."

The Griffin King room at the Hotel Mareiot.

"All of our friends attended."

You got a homeless guy to be your witness.

"My little brother was my best man."

He had yelled at you for being stupid.

"And Luna my mare of honor."

The two of you had blackmailed her into not squealing with how close she was to that little British faggot back in P0nyville.

"We honeymooned in Prance."

You had turned the heat down and played "Who can dehydrate the other the most." for a week.

"Aaaaaand then we came back here! Hehe, The end!" Celly laughs.

You and Celestia donned your most convincing smiles as you tried to wither the storm that was Cosmos glare.

"A winter wedding." he says.

You both nod.

"After seeing each other for less than a year."

Nodding again.

"And there are records of this event."

Falsified ones, yeah.

Galaxia reached over to her husband. "Calm down dear, trust them."

The two of you silently breathe a sigh of relief. The advantage of the incredibly skewed marriage you two shared was that it had made you even better liars.

"It is not the reason we are here anyway," she says.

Cosmos turns to the two of you. "Yes, let us talk about this child."

SHIIIIIIIIIIT.

"Well...what do you want to know?" you ask.

Galaxia opens her mouth, but her husband steps in. "I want to know that any child that comes from you will be one that is worthy of our line."

Family line huh? You could work with that.

"Well...what do you know about me?"

Cosmos snorts. "I know that you come from outside my domain. That alone bothers me. And I know that you joined a cult who's purpose was to bring back my daughter's most hated of foes."

"Mous joined that cult to dismantle them from the inside, father. It is not fair to hold that against him." Celestia says.

Dammit, you wanted to say that.

Cosmos turns to his daughter. "And in doing so caused a shift in the balance of power inside of Tartarus. I had to personally put down the new Dogfather before he breached the gates."

Ffffffuck. That wasn't good. This guy was pissed and could probably unmake you.

Galaxia places a hoof over her husband's shoulder. "Dear, remember that we were in our own troubles with Tirek when Tia was born, And Grogar with Luna. I'd say that the simple fact that he was able to remove Discord from the equation is evidence of his conviction." She turns to you. "Although your methods are a bit...extreme..."

You shrug. Desperate times.

Cosmos seems to calm by a billionth of a percent, but he's still staring at you. "And that is enough reason for him to be allowed near our grandchild? Despite his unknown origins?"

"Everyone deserves a chance, darling."

Cosmos glares at you a bit longer. You could swear that he was reaching into your mind to try and see any reason to turn you inside out.

Dontthinkaboutcelestiasassdontthinkaboutcelestiasassdontthinkaboutcelestiasass...

Dinner didn't last much longer as you walked with the rest of the family back to where they entered.

"Oh, are you sure you have to go so soon? You know that we always have rooms available for you two." Celestia says.

Galaxia offers a warm smile. "Tia, you know there is nothing in the universe I would love more. But I have responsibilities in Elysium that I must attend to."

Celestia and her mother embrace at the neck for a moment before she trots up to you. "As for you, Sir Mous. I can see that you and my daughter have a connection that transcends what I have heard..."

Shit. Could she see through your lying?

"I wish you only the best in your life, and hope that you enjoy your time as a father should it come faster than you anticipate." she says with a bow.

You offer an equally deep bow in return "Celestia's words don't do you justice, your highness."

Galaxia grows one last warm smile before her constantly shifting body seems to envelop her and take her away.

Cosmos trots up to the two of you. "I still do not trust this human fully, but am willing to give him a chance."

Cosmos brings his face an inch from yours.

Eep.

"A single chance." he rumbles.

He takes a few steps back from the two of you. "Be well and be safe, my little sun." he says before he simply fades away, the stars that made up his body lingering just a moment longer.

Celestia explosively sighs and takes a few steps towards you, her eyes already belaying her exhaustion.

"Are...you okay dear?" she asks.

You may have just voided your bowels, but you guess you were alright.

"Let's just go to bed."

You burst into the door of your bedroom.

"GOD. DAMN! Your dad almost gave me a fear ulcer!" you shout.

Celestia follows you inside, her head low. "Yes...Father can be a bit taxing."

You pull off your shirt and throw it into the hamper. "I felt like he was gonna atomize me!"

"He rules over Tartarus, dear. He can be a bit judicial." Celestia says.

Celestia levitated her jewels off and placed them on the beauty desk.

She glances at the bathroom. "I'm going to shower a bit..." She turns to you with a seductive smile. "Care to join me...?"

You hated getting wet.

"I'm fine, thanks."

Celestia pouts as she walks into the bathroom and shuts the door. Goddamn nympho pones...

Celestia exits the bathroom followed by a torrent of steam several minutes later.

"Ah!...That feels so much better!" she says.

"Shh, Trying to think here." you say.

You say cross armed in the bed, as you had been doing since Celestia got into the shower. You could feel Celestias eyes drawn to your erect member propping up the sheets.

"Oh~...I was going to sleep...but I suppose I could be persuaded..." she says.

"Oh shut up. This is all me." You say with your eyes closed.

"Hmmm~?" Celestia coos as she slides under the covers.

"For a while now, I've been working on mental exercises, ones that will make it so I'm only hard when I want to be."

You feel your member gripped by a magic aura. "I'm so flattered, dear."

Heh. Time for an object lesson. You think the thoughts and feel your member slack in Celestia's grip.

You open your eyes to see Celestia pouting again "Told ya."

"But what about meee?" she whines.

"What about you? I just got the best weapon against you. We probably shouldn't be having sex with a kid anyway."

Celestia huffs. "What could happen? Will I get double pregnant?"

You chuckle "Doesn't matter, I hold all the cards now."

"Ohhh...Not all of them~" she coos.

You turn to her and see her with a devilish grin on her lips. "Peter Piper Picked a Pack of Pickled Peppers."

You felt her barrel through your mental defenses straight to you core. You can feel your member start to raise against your will.

You start the process again.

Celestia just chuckles. "Voila! In View a humble Vaudevillian Veteran..."

FUCK. THAT ONE.

You feel your member rocket up.

"Cast Vicariously as both Victim and Villain by the Vicissitude of fate..."

WHY DID YOU TEACH HER THAT ONE.

"This Visage, no mere Veneer of Vanity-"

Celestia gets no further as you all be tackle her. "COME 'ERE!"

Celestia squeals as you push her down onto the bed. "WE'RE GONNA PUT THAT MOUTH TO THE SECOND BEST USE WE CAN."

Sarcastic Serenades.

-Theme song-

It was a rare and auspicious day in your life. A day that only came about every once in a blue moon, and not the sister-in-law kind. A day where you and Celly had gotten along all day.

You expected The Horsemen any minute now.

You and Celly were curled up on the lounge later at night, a photo album in your lap.

"I remember this..."

You lift up a slightly charred photo. "This was that time when I said your ass looked fat in all the photos of you."

Celly chuckles under your arm. "If only I'd been a bit faster..."

"Your aim is shit anyways."

Celly rolls her eyes and turns the page, lifting a particular photo out. You could hear her sigh contentedly. "Our wedding photo..."

"That dress makes you look old."

"The vomit on your shirt makes you look poor."

You scritch her behind the ears a bit. "You remember what you did after we got to the room?"

"Hah! Do I...?"

You kicked the door into the hotel room. "Griffin King" Fuck off. You still were pissed. First she treats you like a fucktoy for months, then she gets you drunk, then she cheats in a hay sausage eating contest, and now she tricks you into marrying her.

Celestia practically skipped into the room after you. You had refused to carry her fat ass. "Oh it has just been AGES since I was last married! Now I can try all those things I need a steady partner for!"

You walk past her as she schemes and collapse on the animal hide bed.

Celly is quick to pry. "What's the matter Mister Saddlesore?"

"You fucking tricked me, is what happened."

Celly rolls her eyes. "There was a time when you'd have anticipated that, Mous. I make no apologies."

She levitates a small stereo onto the dresser. "Are you ready to hear about your husbandly duties~?" she asks.

You arch an eyebrow.

"What?"

Celly hits play.

-Music-

Celly removed her jewelry as she sang.

"I met a monkey one day."

"He had a flare for wordplay."

"But all of it was risqué."

"And now he's in my life."

Looks over to you as she pranes around.

"One that is SURE to be bliss."

"If I missed it, I'd be remiss."

"I wasn't looking for this."

"But now you're in my life."

She nuzzles your face in the bed and walks over to the light switch.

"Our tongues are biting."

"When it's us we're spiting."

"Try to avoid the smiting."

"Why is it you're fighting baby?"

She takes the lights down and drops a disco ball from the ceiling.

"Hey, we just got married, and this is crazy."

"But I'm your wife now, so fuck me maybe?"

"It's hard to put up with you, baby."

"But I'm your wife now, so fuck me maybe?"

She keeps prancing around like a tart.

"Hey, we just got married, and this is crazy."

"But I'm your wife now, so fuck me maybe?"

"And all the other boys, try to chase me."

"But you're my husband, so fuck me maybe?"

She starts tugging at your pants. You don't resist, you are utterly not in the mood.

"You came and pulled off a prank."

"Told me that I was a skank."

"I drew you in with my flank~, and now you're in my life."

"We fight, and argue, and yell."

"And make life a living hell."

"Nobody said it'd do well, but you're in my life."

Your shit gets pulled over your head.

"Our tongues are biting."

"When it's us we're spiting."

"Try to avoid the smiting."

"Why is it you're fighting baby?"

She jumps off you and continues to prance around the room.

"Hey, we just got married, and this is crazy."

"But I'm your wife now, so fuck me maybe?"

"And all the other boys, try to chase me."

"But you're my husband, so fuck me maybe?"

She's practically bouncing off the walls.

"Hey, we just got married, and this is crazy."

"But I'm your wife now, so fuck me maybe?"

"And all the other boys, try to chase me."

"But you're my husband, so fuck me maybe?"

She looks to herself in the mirror, mock sadness on her face.

"Before you came into my life I just was so bored."

"I was so bored... I was so, so bored."

"Before you came into my life I just was so bored."

"Not even Discord... could make me less bored."

What?

"It's hard to put up with you, baby."

"But I'm your wife now, so fuck me maybe?"

She's giddy with excitement over this.

"Hey, we just got married, and this is crazy."

"But I'm your wife now, so fuck me maybe?"

"And all the other boys, try to chase me."

"But you're my husband, so fuck me maybe?"

She hops on the bed and presents her ass into the air.

"Before you came into my life I just was so bored."

"I was so bored... I was so, so bored."

"Before you came into my life I just was so bored."

"Come get your reward."

"And fuck me maybe?"

The room goes silent as the song ends and the disco ball retreats into the ceiling. Celly is panting on the bed and looking at you with those big stupid eyes of hers.

Well if you're married...

"...What if I'm not in the mood?"

You laugh against the back of the lounge. "That was the first time I had learned about your fucking musical fetish."

She repositions herself next to you. "I never heard you complaining."

You flip to another page. "Ah, now here we go."

You pull out a picture of you and Celly in formal attire and soaking wet.

"Ah...the day I learned you could wow a crowd." she says.

"That's not what this photo says, I think it may be you hitting me with that chair."

Celly cuddles up onto your lap, shoving the book out of the way. "Do you remember how your song went?"

You lean back a bit.

"I think so...

You sat back and tried to snore as loud as you could at the banquet. A bunch of ponies socializing with each other while they chastised your new marriage was not your idea of fun.

You had some time ago decided to make this as miserable as possible for everyone involved. Or you would have if Celly hadn't elbowed you.

"Will you sit up! you're not helping our case here!" she hissed

You slam your feet onto the ground. "These ponies already decided our case when they decided we shouldn't have gotten married!"

Celestia jerks her head back towards the ballroom. "I can calm them if you'll just go along with this."

"Yeah, because that's likely."

Celly sighs. "Uhg...why does the band not play a decent song when you need them to?"

...Song?

-Music-

You hop on the table and snap your fingers twice to get the band to start playing. Ponies from all over the ballroom turn to see their crown prince removing his jacket.

"Mmm, slut."

"Mmm, jackass."

"Aah, whore."

"Oooh, DICK!"

You toss a fruit at the switch and turn the lights down.

"Poison will... a biting tongue."

"Taunting words not meant for young."

"A lack of affection... a push and a shove"

"Ooh you'll love my ah-oh-ah bitter love"

Celestia rolls her eyes as the band continues confused.

"Bitter love!"

Everypony looks confused.

"I have a wife, who brings about the day."

"I make sure she doesn't get her way."

"I know her modesty - it almost isn't there."

"So all you ponies had best go and beware."

You need a hat for this. You swipe one off some shocked looking stallion and jump to the floor.

"I feel good - a special kind of spiteful."

"The plans I've got are frankly rather frightful."

"I think I'll drive her mad with laxatives in sweets!"

"Get off your asses, ponies. And I'll tell you of me feats!"

You throw off grandiose gestures and as saucy dance moves as you can from another table.

"Piss in drinks! Fires in bed!"

"Painting all her body red!"

"All that's cruel - all that's cold."

"And some things that can't be told!"

Celly blushes at mention of something you called "The Falicitator."

"And after dinner I could go for something sweet"

You stomp over in front of Celly.

"REVENGE! For a night of making me be...discrete."

"I'm gonna mock and taunt everything that you do."

"And when those run out --I'll think of something new! Ha ha!"

You fall onto your ass and almost crash the table.

"'Cause that look on your face makes it all worthwhile."

"And it's that look that never fails to make me smile."

"And what a beautiful event you have provided"

"To carve a path of fun with my quick wit to guide it!"

You tear off one of your sleeves. "Hit me one time!"

You tear off the other. "Hit me twice!"

With a few rips and tear and your shirt is in tatters on the floor. "Ahhh - that's rather nice!"

Celly is staring in rapt attention, some of the other mares are too.

"Poison words... a biting tongue."

"Taunting words not meant for young."

"A lack of affection... a push and a shove."

"Ooh you'll love my (ah-oh-ah) bitter love."

You break into your trademarked laughter as the song ends. Celly stops you by pulling you off the table into your seat again.

"And that's the show! Goodnight everypony!" she shouts.

The ponies turned and walked out of the ballroom into another with confused faces before Celly pulled your chair out from under you and hit you with it.

You and Celly share a laugh on the lounge.

"I think I still have a bruise from that chair."

"Oh don't pull that, you've had worse blows to the head."

"But that one was emotionally damaging! My own loving wife striking my so crassly." you say with a slight whimper.

Celly rolls over and smiles up at you. "Has all this talk of music put you in a mood too~?"

You DID like a good duet...

"Perhaps I could be persuaded with another..."

Celly gets a devious smile and rolls off the couch.

"I have just the one." she says as she moves to the stereo.

-Music-

The music starts and Celly's grin only grows wider.

"You're terrible." you say.

"You like terrible~"

"What is it you want from this?"

"Why, only one thing, dear." she says.

"Come to bed! Come to Bed!"

"Go on and give your legs a spread."

"Just sit back and relax, my dear."

"And I'll provide the head~."

You giggle a bit despite yourself.

"From the back."

"From the front."

"If you'll allow me to be blunt."

"Pull my hair some, it's fantastic!"

"And I'd like to try something a bit spastic."

She closes the balcony and uses her magic to light up the room. You push off the lounge.

"I can lick, I can suck."

"Just so long as we both fuck"

"And a night together's always rather fun~"

"Go on, and lose those pants."

"Look just how I prance."

"Come to bed?" you ask.

"Yes, to bed."

"Come to bed!"

You had to get in on this. "Light some scents."

"Get some wood!"

"With us it's always good! "

"We'll prepare and screw with flair just the way sex always should!"

"We're together, we've got leather and this lovely little feather~."

"You're always gloomy or complaining."

"Am I really all that draining?"

"Crack a smile!"

"Tell a joke!"

"Show me the passion I evoke!"

"And move around a bit to show me you're not dead!"

She hops onto the bed. "Come on and move your ass you've won your own free pass"

"To come to bed."

"No one works in your stead just listen to what I said."

"Come to bed! Come to bed! Come to bed!"

Celly falls to her side and adopts a mock sad stare as you walk to one side of the bed. "Life was just so boring...even when I was out whoring."

"I could not wait to find a mate for a quick lay..."

"Ahh those good ol' days that held my interest."

"Now I see those days have gone away..."

"MILLENIA I've been living, have been both taking it and giving."

"Needing anything to occupy my mind."

"Most days I would just lay here in my bedroom..."

Her face lights up and she hops off the bed again. "Always stuck in estrus you walked in and oh my goodness!"

Your turn. You get your "Pissed off stare" despite your mood and join in.

"Come to bed! Come to bed!"

"Bitch, that's all you've ever said!"

"Every day until I'm grey that will be drilled into my head."

You smack Celestia's open mouth closed.

"Just take your mouth and clamp it shut."

"I know it's hard, you ancient slut."

"I knew the challenge when we married."

"I want to avoid being harried."

"It isn't like I really mind so by the Five, don't fucking whine."

"Au contraire! You know we have to play instead!"

You dance around the room a bit up next to her.

"I know that it's my job."

"Make sure you're not macabre."

"And I'll go to bed."

"Go to bed?!" she asks.

"Go to bed!"

You and Celly prance around and start to sing in tune together.

"Come to bed!"

"Come to bed! Come to bed!"

"Come to bed!"

"Come to bed! Come to bed!"

"Grab a piece of sheet and shred!"

"It is routine to act so mean and we've got lots of fun ahead!"

"Every night right on time."

"Sometimes we don't even speak in rhyme!"

"While the candlelight's still glowing"

"You shouldn't stop cause I'll keep going!"

Celly grabs a hat and cane from the nightstand as the music becomes incredibly grand.

"Round by round, one by one!"

"That's the deal when you fuck the sun!"

"And to think that this used to fill us up with dread!"

"After the sunlight goes off"

"It's time to get those clothes off!"

"Come to bed! Come to bed!"

"Come to bed!"

"Please, come to bed!"

The music shuts off with Celly's light filling the room.

The sound of the two of you laughing in complete darkness probably woke the guards before you fell onto the bed and calmed down.

"Hehe...always a pleasure to sing with you, dear."

"Wish I could say the same, Miss Tone Deaf."

You feel a wing drape over you. "Ass."

You relax a bit on the bed before your slutty wife's vices get back at her. "So...about that mood~..."

"Hehe..."

You stroke her leg a bit. "Well, "Beauty"...and I use that term loosely."

Celly lets out a sharp gasp as you slide your hand off her leg and somewhere...else.

"Meet the Beast~..."

His and Hers.

-Theme Song-

Breakfast. Toast. BURNT toast. Again.

"And on her last day of our bet, she decides to be a cunt and burns my food to carbon."

You toss your ruined toast and watch it break into a million pieces.

"It slipped." Celestia says.

"How often have those words been uttered around you?"

Celestia rolls her eyes as you start buttering a sweet role.

The Royal Family was rather small today, just Luna. Armor and Cadence were off in the Crystal Kingdom cleaning up after Sombra's crap.

You remember that week, you had been on Celly's tits the entire time wondering why she was sending six kids instead of going herself.

She spouted some crap about it being a test for Twilight. Meaning it smelled like a case of the "bad ex"'s to you.

But that was the past now.

"So how you been, Luna?" you ask as you butter your bread.

Luna sips her tea and arches an eyebrow. "I have been...well, In-law. I have been spending time out with some friends out in the city."

Luna.

Having friends.

Ha.

"And how's that been?" you ask.

"It has been well, I even had a social date the other evening."

Celestia sighs. "Spending time with those you care for is so nice..."

You nod "That it is."

"I wish I could get out more often."

"Yeah, it's a bit boring here all the time."

"So you'll pick me up at eight?"

"Yeah, su-"

Whoa. Wait. What?

-Music-

You and Celly were in your Sunday best sitting in the middle of the "Le", Canterlot's premier fancy restraint. You thought the name was flank-on-head retarded.

Everypony else sat around the outer edge of the establishment eating and being merry.

You catch a few glances to your table still.

"Everyone is staring."

Celly continues to eat her food. "We're royalty, it comes with the territory."

"Don't talk with your damn mouth full."

"I'm the Sun, I can do what I want."

"You're a Princess, don't be a cunt."

Celly waggles her eyebrows and puts a few leaves of salad in her mouth before saying "No."

You resort to your last choice and flip her the bird.

"Body language, dear. We're in public."

"Since when has public image been something you care about?"

"Since I've had to pick up after you."

"Just keeping life interesting, don't want you going back into Hyper-Whore mode."

"It keeps life interesting~" Celly says as she downs her wine.

Hmm...should fix that.

Your waiter returns to your table levitating a notepad. "And can I get the royal family anything else this evening?"

"A bottle of Asgardian Black, if you don't mind."

The waiter balks a bit but regains his composure. "Is His Highness feeling particularly daring today?

You toss a smile to Celly.

"No, I just like to get wined and dined before I get fucked."

Celly sent your drink back as soon as it arrived, denying you and sort of fun you had planned and forcing you to do the thing you dreaded doing.

Talking.

"So what's the plan for next week?"

"The Prench president is stopping by for a bit of a chat about the situation of Horsaille and later in the week I was thinking about helping teach magical theory at the university."

"So you're gonna smell like cheap cheese and booze for a week, brilliant."

Celly arches an eyebrow. "You'd prefer if I smell like you do? Sweat and whatever food was tossed at you?"

"Feck off."

"Always a way with words, dear."

"One of us here has to."

"And what are your plans for the week?"

"Figured I'd work most days, come home to your bitchy ass, and drink until I can't feel feelings anymore. You know, stuff normal people do as opposed to your God-king schedule."

Celestia grins down. "Don't tell me you're still jealous~?"

"Don't fucking start that shit again."

Celly titters and goes back to her meal, letting you spot two familiar faces over her shoulder.

"Hey, check five-thirty and seven."

Celly looks over her shoulders at Filthy Rich on her right and Fancypants on her left.

"Small Equestria."

"And you fucked one of them."

"I have not slept with EVERYONE, dear."

You roll your eyes "She said totally believing herself."

Your soup came in time, one of the only filling things you could get outside of the castle.

"They burnt my soup..."

Celestia starts on her food. "That's what you get for being picky."

"How do you burn soup?"

"Honestly, I thought the royal chef was going to quit a few times."

"It's SOUP."

"Why is it that you make half the castle staff almost quit just by being you?"

"Is Sweetie Belle working the backroom or some fucking shit?"

"I swear that's the reason I don't take you out on diplomatic missions, you'd start a war in an hour."

You continue to glance around the restaurant as an older stallion come to your table.

"Princess Celestia." he began.

Yeah, just ignore you.

"It is my great honor to have you in my establishment tonight, and I would just like to ask if there was anything I could do for you to make your evening any more pleasant."

"You burnt my soup." you say.

Celly and him talk around you.

"Oh thank you sir, but the dinner was positively lovely."

"Except for my burnt soup."

"Your praise warms this old heart, Princess, thank you." he says with a bow.

"Do you have a little white filly working in the kitchen?"

"The praise is well earned, good sir."

"About this tall? Unicorn? Pink hair and a high pitched voice?"

The stallion bows deep as he continues to ignore you.

Okay, that's it.

You grab his ear. "Hey, can you give me a hand with something?" you whisper.

His eyes dart between you and her. "What did you have in mind, sir?"

Oh. Something good.

You kick in the door to the royal apartments.

"Luna! We're home!"

You hoist the moaning Celestia further onto your back and trudge into through the door, grunting all the way.

"And I could use some damn help here!"

Luna trots out of her room and balks when she sees you holding a Celestia who frankly looked like death on your back. "In-law! What happened!?"

You take a few more steps as Luna helps lift Celly off your back. You massage the small of your back and groan as Luna looks her sister over.

"WHAT HAPPENED HERE!?" she shouts.

"Ease up on the Royal Voice, she ate pears."

Luna twists her head a bit. "Pears?"

"She's allergic. Stomach cramps."

Luna nods her head. "Ah..."

"Care to help me lug her to bed?"

"O-of course, In-law."

You help Luna carry your wife upstairs and dump her fat ass on the bed. Once Luna is out of the room, you collapse on the bed next to Celly and give her your best grin.

"How ya feeling, Sunshine?"

She mumbles something, you're sure you hear the word "revenge" in there.

You pat her head. "Now don't be like thaaaat, it's all in fun."

She groans and rolls over as you hop up next to her.

"You gonna warn me if you vomit?"

She moans again. "Uuhhhhgggggggg...yes..."

She was totally lying, but that was the price you paid.

You flip on the TV and nudge her as the show comes on. "Oh look, Dirty Jobs."

Celly moans and groans under the covers at the thought of a show about sewers with poop.

You sigh contentedly. "I had a good night too, sweetheart."

Musical Short 5.

You and Celly were sitting in a familiar radio room, not that you needed to be here.
-Music-

"Princess Celestia, thanks for coming back KCOLT for another interview. " Berry Punch says.

"No problem." she says.

"So you're in charge around here, is that fair to say?"

"Absolutely, I'm the sun."

"Well, so take us through a day in the life of, "The sun".

"Well the first thing I do is--"

Time to play backup...

"Talk to Luna!"

"Praise the sun." you shout.

"Read reports!

"Praise the sun."

"Make it daytime!"

"Praise the sun."

"Remember birthdays."

"Praise the sun."

"Direct magic."

"Praise the sun."

"My own hot spring."

"Praise the sun."

"Micro-manage."

"Praise the sun."

"Promote friendship."

"Praise the sun."

"Flirt with guards."

"Praise the sun."

"Get rejected."

"Praise the sun."

"Feel ugly."

"Praise the sun."

"Send some letters."

"Praise the sun."

"Call a sex line."

"Praise the sun."

"Do girl-talk."

"Praise the sun."

"Demand a refund."

"Praise the sun."

"Eat some cake."

"Praise the sun."

"Guard transfer."

"Praise the sun."

"Deal with Shining."

"Praise the sun."

"5th of vodka."

"Praise the sun."

"Shit in guard's barracks."

"Praise the sun."

"Steal a sword."

"Praise the sun."

"On my neck."

"Praise the sun."

"Oh fuck man, I can't fucking do it, shit!"

"Pussy out."

"Praise the sun."

"Puke on Luna's bed."

"Praise the sun."

"Jump out the windows."

"Praise the sun."

"Suck somebody's horn."

"Praise the sun."

"Score some salt."

"Praise the sun."

"Crash my carriage."

"Praise the sun."

"Suck my own horn."

"Praise the sun."

"Eat hay bacon strips."

"Praise the sun."

"Chop my wings off."

"Praise the sun."

"Black out in the sewer."

"Praise the sun."

"Meet a giant fish."

"Praise the sun."

"Fuck his brains out."

"Praise the sun."

"Turn into a blimp."

"Praise the sun."

"Smite the dragons."

"Praise the sun."

"Send Luna to the Moon."

"Praise the sun."

"Now she's gone."

"Praise the sun."

Berry cocks an eyebrow. "Uh huh. So that's an... average day for you then?"

"No doubt."

"You chopped your wings off and banished your sister."

"Hell yeah."

"And I think at one point there you said something about sucking your own horn?"

"Nope."

"Actually, I'm pretty sure you did."

"Nah, that ain't me.

Berry nods "OK, well this has been eye-opening for me.

"I'm the sun.

Berry gets up and walks out of the room shaking her head. "Ya, I know, I got that. You said it about 400 times.

"I'm the sun.

"Ya, ya, I got it.

"I'm the sun.

"No, I heard you, see you later!

You see the "On Air" light on and grab the microphone. "Praise the sun."

Praise the Sun.

Author's Note

Listen to my buddy Palenarrator sing this here: http://f.cl.ly/items/1B2U3C0B2h022H064139/Praise%20the%20Sun.mp3