The Meaning of Derp

by Mystic Mind

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, Sad, Drama, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Suicide / Self Harm, Derpy Hooves
Length: 5433

Derpy has been fired from yet another job, and is at her wit's end. Can Rainbow Dash get through to her in time to save her from herself?

It happened again. Bubble Muffin, AKA Derpy Hooves, has been fired from yet another job, and this time it has dealt a serious mental blow. At her wit's end and wishing for her life to be over, Rainbow Dash arrives to check on her. Can she help Muffin in her most desperate hour?

Content Warnings: Attempted suicide, self-harm, depression, self-hatred, verbal abuse, bullying, ableist slurs

Published 2021-09-30 23:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-09-30 23:00:00 UTC

Every Storm Ends

Derpy Hooves.

The nickname circulated around Bubble Muffin’s head. She was given it long before she had the ability to understand its implications. Tonight, on the eve of her thirtieth birthday, she found herself lying face up in her bed, staring at the ceiling as she contemplated the weight it carried.

‘Derp’ was more than just a nickname. It was a brand, a label for everypony to denote her as the village idiot. She was the clumsy, wall-eyed mare who spent more time crashing into things than being of any real use. Why had she joined the postal industry to begin with? Who in their right mind would think that she, of all mares, could deliver letters and packages in both a safe and timely manner?

Her boss’ scathing rant echoed in her mind. The cold sting of tears bit at her eyes. With how much she’d been crying, she half expected the Cloudsdale weather team to come knocking at her door.

She looked over to the clock on her bedside cabinet, reading the time as 3 a.m. How long had she been stuck in bed for, now? She’d lost all sense of time, the days bleeding into one another as she drifted between dreamless sleep and waking sorrow. Why did it matter that today was her birthday? It wasn’t like she had anypony to spend it with.

Herp-a-derp, herp-a-derp, herp-a-derp.

The insulting words of childhood bullies ceaselessly haunted her, conjuring visions of those who’d mimicked her wall-eyed stare as they bounced along beside her.

“Make it stop…” she cried weakly, desperate to drown out the booming voices in her head. “Please, make it stop…”

But the words wouldn’t stop. She was alone, stuck with the memories of all those who hated her. Who was she kidding? No matter what she tried, she could never escape her reputation as a freakish klutz. Why did she even bother trying? She couldn’t hold a job, couldn’t make friends, and was a flying disaster area wherever she went.

You’re a waste of space, she thought. Just kill yourself. Nobody will care. It was an alluring offer, the sweet release of death. Perhaps, if she faced ultimate oblivion, then ponies could finally start to rebuild after all the destruction she caused.

Rolling out of bed, she picked up her postal bag by its strap and threw it over her neck. Maybe if she fashioned it just right…

She dropped the bag, burying her face in her hooves. She couldn’t go through with it. No matter how much she wanted to, she couldn’t get her body to weave the bag’s strap into a noose – and even if she could, she’d have to find something else to tie her wings together.

Just another in a long line of failures. I’m so pathetic.

Slumping back down onto the bed, she slammed her face into the pillow, choking out the sobs. If she was to die, then she could at least die quietly, so as not to disturb any pony else.

She awoke from a dreamless sleep to the sound of incessant door-knocking, begrudgingly dragging her back into the waking world.

“Derpy?” a rough voice called out. “Derpy, are you in there?”

The name stabbed at her like a rusty knife, twisting with each repetition. Maybe if she just covered her head with her pillow, whoever was calling would give up and go away.

“Derpy, open the door already!” the voice said, more aggressively this time. “Nopony’s seen you in days. Please, talk to me.”

“Fine!” she groaned. Why in Equestria was anyone bothering her now? It was probably either debt collectors or some disgruntled Pegasus coming to complain about her parcels being late. Didn’t they get the message? Mail stuff was out of her hooves now. Once up, she plodded her way over to the front door, feeling out each step so she didn’t bump into anything.

“Derpy, if you don’t open up, I’m coming in one way or another.”

“I’m coming, I’m coming!” Picking up the key with her mouth, she fumbled around with it until she found the right hole, twisting it right.

Of all the ponies she expected to visit her, Rainbow Dash was not one of them.

“There you are,” Dash exhaled with what sounded like a sigh of relief. “I got a friendship mission from both the Cutie Map and Princess Luna. She said it was super important. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Muffin lied. “I don’t have any friends, so you’re in the wrong place.”

“Whoa, whoa, now hold on just a minute,” Dash wedged her forehoof in the door. “You’re one of the most recognisable mail mares in all of Ponyville. You’re like, a local celebrity! How the heck do you not have any friends?”

“I’m not a mail mare anymore,” Muffin snapped, fighting back the tears. “I’m just some stupid derpy Pegasus who can’t even fly straight. I’m nobody, now go away.”

“You honestly think I’m gonna leave after hearing that?” Dash frowned. “What’s gotten into you? Tell me who hurt you, ‘cause I’d like to give them a piece of my mind.”

“I lost my job, alright?!” Muffin yelled, her voice cracking. “I got fired because I’m a clumsy, derpy screw up who’s always making a mess. Happy now?!”

“Ugh, you’ve gotta be kidding me…” Dash smacked her face with her hoof. “Listen, come fly with me. Maybe if we talk some more, we can get to the bottom of this. Being so negative about yourself… it ain’t like you at all.”

Muffin bit her lip. She was half-tempted to kick away Dash’s hoof and slam the door in her face, but she had a feeling she wasn’t taking no for an answer. “Maybe you don’t know me as well as you think? No, wait, don’t tell me. I’m Derpy Hooves, right? The clumsy, mentally disabled mare who can’t even fly in a straight line? You don’t even know my real name, not that you ever asked.”

Dash opened her mouth to retort, but closed it again. “Alright, fair point. I can tell you’re upset—”

“You don’t say.”

“—but that doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. Besides, I know a thing about bad reputations.”

Muffin blinked. “You do?”

“Of course I do!” Dash thumped her hoof against her chest. “I didn’t get the nickname ‘Rainbow Crash’ for nothing. If it helps, you can call me that for the rest of the day, but only if you fly with me. Deal?”

“Fine,” Muffin conceded, her ears falling flat against her head. “Just… don’t go too fast, okay?”

“Don’t sweat it,” Dash flexed her wings. “This will be a nice, chillaxed flight. You get yourself warmed up and meet me at Cloudsdale’s west end. Sound good?”

“Yeah, I guess.” Crossing over her forehooves, she waited until Dash had left before trotting back inside. She didn’t see the point in warming up, considering she was never that good at flying anyway. Then again, she supposed, Dash knew far more about flying than she ever would. At least if she did her stretches inside, no one could see how stupid she looked, or laugh at her.

She decided to walk to the meeting point instead of flying. Not only was it faster, but it would also draw considerably less attention to herself. If only she had been born a unicorn, then she could’ve cast an invisibility spell on herself and fade away from the public eye at last. She considered dressing in a trench coat to hide her identity, but that would simply raise further questions over the sudden appearance of a drunk-walking mystery mare.

Despite her attempts to keep a low profile, a few Pegasi recognised her, greeting her with a brief, but cheerful, “Morning, Derpy!”

Each greeting only twisted the knife further in, though she tried to remain polite, stopping to wave back and mask her pain behind a false smile.

When she finally reached Rainbow Dash, she was resting on a cloud, her forehooves held behind her head and her legs crossed.

“I was wondering if you’d show up,” she grinned.

“Sorry. I know I’m slow.” Muffin hung her head low, keeping her wings tightly clenched to her back. “Are you sure you want me flying with you? I’m sure you have better things to do.”

“Hey, cool it with the self-hatred already,” Dash snapped into flight, zipping right into Muffin’s face before she could even blink. “I said you could fly at your own pace, and I meant it. Besides, believe it or not, but I can’t fly fast and talk at the same time. However slow you are, it’s plenty fast for me. Got it?”

Muffin bit her lip, avoiding eye contact. She barely had the will to lift her own head up, much less fly. Why in Equestria was she so valuable for a friendship mission? Did Dash care at all, or was this just another one of her pranks? Either way, she couldn’t feel any more worthless, so whatever she wanted with her, it made little difference.

Reluctantly, she fluttered up to Dash’s level. “Alright, so where are we going?”

“Not far,” Dash pointed to the forest below her. “Just a quick loop around the Everfree, then back towards Ponyville. Is that cool with you?”

“I guess.” Following Dash’s lead, Muffin flew down a short distance behind her. True to her word, she kept up a slow, but steady pace, matching her meandering flight path with ease.

“So, Derpy isn’t your real name, huh?”

Muffin winced, biting back a sarcastic response. “No. It’s just a nickname everypony gives me.”

“Can I call you that? Or would you prefer your real name?”

Muffin’s ears pricked up. At first, she wasn’t sure how to respond. Was Rainbow Dash, of all ponies, asking for permission to use her nickname without a hint of irony?

“It doesn’t matter,” she concluded.

“It does to me,” Dash frowned. “Look, when I said you could call me ‘Rainbow Crash’, I meant it. You do know how I got that nickname, right?”

Muffin shook her head.

“I got it ‘cause I got too hyped up on my own stunts, and forgot to look where I was going. It’s a thing among the Wonderbolts to give each other nicknames over our dumbest mistakes.”

“It must be really embarrassing,” Muffin said without thinking.

“At first, it kinda was, yeah,” Dash chuckled lightly, rubbing the back of her head. “But honestly, once I heard how all the other Wonderbolts got theirs, I didn’t feel so bad about it.”

“I guess that means I should just toughen up, like you did.”

“Hey, I never said that,” Dash frowned again. “Just ‘cause the Wonderbolts have their hazing thing doesn’t mean everypony should like it. Including you.”

Muffin sat on that concept for a moment. If she didn’t have to accept her nickname, then why even bring up the Wonderbolts? They were so far above Muffin’s skill level, she’d be lucky if she became half the mare Dash was. Expressing how much her nickname hurt in words was difficult, but if Dash was serious about giving her an option, she supposed there was no sense not to take it.

“My real name is Bubble Muffin,” she said at last. “Either my first or last name is fine.”

“Will ‘Bubbles’ be okay?”

“Yeah, that’s okay.”

“Alright then, Bubbles. What’s been bugging you lately?”

Muffin did a double take. How did Rainbow Dash know she was depressed? Was it that obvious? Clearly subtlety wasn’t her strong point – If she even had one.

“Why do you care?” she said bitterly, as if it would dissuade Dash from her attempted intervention. “Nopony else does. I could die tomorrow, and nothing would change. I told you, I’m worthless.”

“That’s a load of cow poop and you know it.”

Muffin cocked an eyebrow. “How so?”

“You have Time Turner. He helped you a ton during Crankie’s wedding. Why wouldn’t he care about you?”

Muffin’s tail swished back and forth. “I haven’t spoken to the Doc in ages. Not since—” she paused. “He moved on to other experiments. He’s probably forgotten about me already.”

“Trust me, he hasn’t. He’s the one who tipped me off about you getting fired.”

Muffin’s eyebrow went from raised to twitching. “If you knew already, then why even ask me? I told you, I’m a good-for-nothing klutz, a walking disaster area. I couldn’t even help you clear the weather away from the barn without damaging it. Face it, there’s nothing I’m good at, and I should just hurry up and die to get out of everypony’s way!”

Only when she stopped to catch her breath did she realise how much she was crying. “Before I arrived in Ponyville, I went from job to job, never able to make a consistent living because of my disability. It’s not my fault I can’t see straight. I didn’t ask to be born with bad eyes. I’m trying my best, but my best isn’t good enough. What am I supposed to think?”

Dash, for her part, nodded along to each word, cocking her head just a little to show she was listening. “Do you want to take a moment?”

Muffin nodded, her words lost amidst her storm of tears. Rainbow Dash collected one of the nearby clouds and gestured for Muffin to sit.

“Here,” she said. “Let me know when you’re ready to move on. Take as long as you need.”

“Th-thank you,” Muffin replied, collapsing onto it. “I’m s-sorry. You've p-probably got better things to do than look after m-me.”

“Today’s my day off,” Dash proclaimed, puffing out her chest. “I decide what I use it for.”

“Can I ask you a question?” Muffin looked up at her, wiping the tears from her eyes.

“Technically you already did,” Dash grinned, giving Muffin a playful jab. “But sure, go ahead.”

“When did you first get the ‘Rainbow Crash’ nickname?”

“Wow, now that is a good question,” Dash leant back onto the cloud, fluffing up the edge like a pillow. “I guess I was around six or seven years old. Yeah, I was fast, but like I said before, you’re not gonna get anywhere unless you look where you’re going.”

“And you didn’t?”

“Not all the time,” she blushed. “But enough for the bullies to pounce on the nickname. Gotta admit, when I joined the Wonderbolts, I fought hard to try and get another nickname. ‘Rainbow Crash’ had too much baggage attached to it.”

“But you’re okay with it now?”

“Eh, it still stings a little, but I’m used to it. I know the Wonderbolts aren’t being mean. If it’s from cool ponies, then I don’t mind.”

“I’m not a cool pony,” Muffin retorted, only to throw her hoof over her mouth. “Sorry, force of habit.”

“Don’t sweat it, pal.” Reaching over, Dash gave her a heavy pat on the back. “You cool to keep flying, now?”

Muffin thought about that for a moment, rubbing her chin with her hoof. “Yeah, I think I’m good.”

“Let me know if you need a rest again, ‘k?”

“I will. Thanks, Dash.” she forced another smile as she took off. It was still a strain on her facial muscles, but this one was easier to manage than the last. Listening to Dash talk about her nickname left her feeling lighter, somehow.

It probably had something to do with the word ‘pal,’ she reasoned. Dash knew so little about her, how could she call her a friend already? Surely she was just humouring her to stop her from killing herself, wasn’t she? Then again, she had nothing left to lose, so what was the harm in testing the waters of a new friendship?

“I was born in Las Pegasus,” she said, trying her best to fly closer to Dash without colliding into her. “I didn’t have a good time at school. The other foals… they hated me because of my eyes. I was even clumsier then, flying into things almost every day.”

Muffin felt her gut clench. To let out the pain she endured for so long, lodged inside her like a white-hot dagger, was another pang of agony on its own. “That’s where the name ‘Derp’ comes from. It means stupid, mentally disabled. Every day I had it thrown in my face. Even teachers told me I needed my eyes fixed if I wanted to do anything in life.”

“Yikes,” Dash cringed. “I thought my teasing was bad but… yeesh. I’m so sorry, Bubbles.”

“It’s why I moved to Cloudsdale. I went from winning races to finishing dead last. My parents tried to get surgery for my eyes, but it didn’t work. The minute I turned eighteen, I joined the weather team, ‘cause that’s what every normal Pegasus did. When that didn’t work out, I temped a sugarcube corner, but Pinkie Pie was just better than me, and I left. I tried deliveries, but was fired for dropping a ton of furniture on Twilight during a move. The post office job lasted the longest, but…”

“Yeah, you got fired from that, too, huh?”

Muffin nodded. “I don’t know what to do from here. The weather team won’t accept me back. The mail mare job was my last hope.”

“You wanna know what I think?”

“Go ahead.”

Dash crossed her hooves over her chest. “I think you’re not playing to your strengths. You’re trying out for all these jobs made for the average Pegasi, but you’re not the average Pegasus.”

“You can say that again…”

“What I mean is, maybe you should think outside the box. Like you said, it’s not your fault you were born with a disability. You didn’t fail those other jobs, they failed you ‘cause they couldn’t accommodate. Heck, I’d say you tried more than your best. You tried harder than any mare I’ve known! If the postmaster can’t deal with that and blames your bad eyes, that’s his problem, not yours.”

“I…” Muffin began, but trailed off. Since when did Rainbow Dash become this sensitive? The last time she’d talked to her directly was when she was on weather duty, clearing clouds. Back then, the most they ever talked about was about the job at hoof, and even that was limited to warning her to be careful. “I don’t know. How will I know I won’t screw the next job up, just like all the others?”

“Easy,” Dash grinned, barrel rolling over Muffin’s head. “It’s ‘cause you’ll be good at it. It will work with what you can do, instead of shaming you for what you can’t.”

“I guess a mare can dream,” Muffin said, chewing on the inside of her cheek. “But I’m still clumsy. Who’d want a pony like that?”

“Let me put it this way. Did you notice we just flew through the forest?”

Muffin blinked. She’d gotten so invested in the conversation that she hadn’t been paying attention. To her surprise, she was indeed surrounded by tall trees and thick undergrowth, shading her from the harsh autumn sun. Patting herself down, she noticed she noticed a distinct lack of leaves or brambles stuck to her fur and feathers. Was she dreaming? Had she just navigated her way through a dense forest without so much of a scratch?

“This is why I wanted you to fly with me,” Dash landed and gestured her hoof up to a small gap in the canopy. Most trees still had their leaves, but there were one or two barren spots which permitted entry from above. “Yeah, flying straight is hard for you. But you never said anything about flying in zigzags. All I had to do was make sure you timed it right, and after that, you followed me without a second thought.”

For the first time since she’d gotten fired, Muffin’s face lit up. “I did that by myself?” Beaming, she clapped her hooves together in rapid succession and swayed from side to side. “I really, really did it!”

“Y’know, when I got to fly with the Wonderbolts for the first time, I had that same reaction,” Dash giggled. “See? It’s like I said; you’re not a screw-up, it’s other ponies who let you down, expecting the wrong thing. And you wanna know something else?”

“Yes, please!” Muffin flexed wings as she landed. Whatever Dash was about to say, she was prepared for it.

“That postmaster is just a grumpy old jerk. Nopony else hates you, and in fact, it’s because you’re so cheerful that we like seeing you around. I’ll admit, we did start calling you ‘Derpy’ because you were clumsy, but even if we don’t talk often, I know both me and my friends both see ya as a big old ray of sunshine. Yeah, it’s mushy, but your cheerful personality is what makes Ponyville such an awesome place to live.”

“Awww,” Muffin arched her eyebrows, sitting as she placed her hooves over her heart. “I know you don’t like mushy stuff, but can I hug you? Just this once?”

“Uh, yeah, that’s fine,” Dash glanced around her before turning back to Muffin. “Just don’t tell anypony, alright? I don’t give hugs in public often.”

Before she could even raise her forehooves, Muffin collided into her, knocking her to the ground and squeezing her tight, rubbing her cheek against Dash’s. “Thanks so much, Rainbow Dash. You’re so awesome.”

“Yeah, that much is obvious,” Dash replied with a wheeze – though she still returned the hug as best she could. “No offence, but could you get off me now? Your hug is starting to hurt.”

“Oh, of course, sorry!” As Muffin moved back a couple paces, her hoof splashed in a small puddle. As she looked down at her reflection, she noticed she had been forcing her eyes to focus a lot on the bridge of her nose.

How many habits had she picked up subconsciously? So much of her life had been dominated by pressure to look less disabled, and never to accept the reality of her condition. It was silly in retrospect. She wanted so hard to believe that she was a normal mare, and that if she tried hard enough, she would prove to the world that she wasn’t a screw up by holding down a normal job.

It was obvious now that she had it all backwards. When she was fired from the post office, she’d felt hopeless, like her desire to be normal was a childish fantasy, out of touch with the real world. Perhaps, to some extent, the world wasn’t an ideal place. But thinking that left out a crucial detail: Cloudsdale was just a stone’s throw away from Ponyville, home to the Princess of Friendship. Why would Twilight ever allow the cruelty she’d faced to be the norm, rather than the exception?

Despite everything, she was still here. Through every job, every failure, every mistake, she’d survived it all. What sense did it make to end her life now? Staring down at her own reflection, she decided that, for once, she’d let her eyes remain naturally crossed, her most striking feature.

“See anything interesting in there, bud?” Dash teased, restraining a chuckle.

“Oh, sorry,” Muffin replied, tapping her forehooves together awkwardly. “Spaced out again, didn’t I?”

“It’s cool. There’s hardly ever a bad time for daydreaming. Are you good to fly again? ‘Cause there’s something in Ponyville I’ve been meaning to show ya.”

Muffin tilted her head. Dash hadn’t mentioned anything about a surprise before, though Ponyville was their intended destination. From that point on, she decided to use the remainder of her flight to test out her new method of navigation. Instead of consciously trying to fly straight, she let herself meander, swaying left and right to focus on wherever her vision was strongest. With each tree and branch she passed, her understanding of her surroundings grew, preemptively weaving through each gap at a slow, but steady pace.

“Thanks for talking to me, Dash,” Muffin said once they’d cleared the trees. “What my boss said to me… it really hurt. He was super angry. I could feel the spit spray me as he ranted, telling me why ponies called me ‘Derp’, and how stupid he was for ever hiring me. It reminded me of the teachers I had in school. They were the same, slamming their hooves on the desk and telling me to shape up or fail.”

“Sweet Celestia,” Dash remarked, shuddering and crunching her face. “Not even Spitfire would give that kind of rant, and she’s a drill sergeant. Looks like I’ll need to talk to Twilight about this, ‘cause nopony needs to go through that.”

“I didn’t want to bother her,” Muffin tapped the edges of her hooves together. “I figured she probably has better things to do than look after a pony like me. But I guess I would like that.”

“Hey, Bubbles, tell me something,” Dash placed her forehooves on her hips. “What’s Twilight the Princess of, again?”

“Friendship, of course.”

“Well, if this ain’t a friendship problem, I don’t know what is. Don’t forget, the cutie map sent me to help you, not just for a laugh. What your boss did to you is abuse, no buts about it. I dunno if I can get your old job back, but if I know Twilight, she’s not the type to let ponies be such hate-filled jerks to one another. Gah!”

Fluffing out her wing feathers, Dash launched herself into a high-speed spiral, tearing through several clouds before looping back around to Muffin.

“Sorry, I had to get that out of my system.”

“Wow.” Bubble stared at the rainbow streak trailing across Dash’s flight path, her wide eyes glistening in the sunlight. “The postmaster must have made you really angry, huh?”

“As it darn well should!” she nodded. “Nobody gets to treat my friends like that. Heck, I have half a mind to give that arrogant jerk a piece of my mind.”

“You’d do that for me?”

“Well, I want to. But let’s be real here, Twilight will probably handle it better. I’d probably just get arrested for randomly beating up a pony, and that’s not gonna help anyone.”

Muffin giggled. “Yeah, probably not. Do you really consider me a friend, though? We hardly know each other.”

“Hey, it’s better than when we first met. Heck, I know you better now than I did this morning. Besides, I never hated you. None of my friends do. The way you saved Cranky’s wedding, despite your mistake, was one-hundred-and-ten percent awesome!”

“Thank you, Rainbow Dash,” Muffin blushed. “It means a lot to me. You are awesome.”

“Well of course I am. I’m in the Wonderbolts, and I’ve got awesome friends like you and Twi. Now let’s get a move on, we don’t have much further to go.”

When Rainbow Dash said Ponyville, what she really meant was Sweet Apple Acres. It took them ten minutes to get there from the Everfree, but for once, Muffin didn’t feel so bad about her low-speed flying. Now that she’d gotten used to her natural movements, the gentle yawing back and forth felt quite relaxing, allowing her time to take in the sensation of wind beneath her wings.

“Alright,” said Dash. “Your surprise is here. Ready?”

“As I’ll ever be.”

Raising her forehoof, Dash knocked on the barn door in a rhythmic pattern. From the second it started to open, Pinkie Pie came exploding out, somehow squeezing through a space that even the smallest filly would struggle with.

“SURPRISE!” Her announcement was as loud and bombastic as ever, and what lay behind the door surpassed even that. “HAPPY BIRTHDAY DERPY HOOVES!”

Party cannons fired from the ceiling, showering the crowd in confetti and streamers. Balloons as diverse in colour as Dash’s mane were scattered all over the place. Pinkie had gone out of her way to attach them to every conceivable point in the barn; in addition to some that weren’t. The ones that stood out to Muffins were a ring of thirty, all matching her mane and coat colours, attached around the base of a gigantic carrot cake.

“Happy Birthday, bud,” Dash patted Muffin in the back. “See why I wanted you to fly with me?”

Muffin didn’t reply right away. She was too busy staring slack-jawed at how many ponies were attending her birthday party. She spotted all her former co-workers from the Ponyville post-office, as well as Cranky and Matilda, Kevin the Changeling; and, of course, Princess Twilight, along with the rest of her friends.

“Ah, Miss Muffin!” the well-spoken voice of an earth pony cut through the din, revealing his hourglass cutie mark as he slipped through the crowd.

“Doc!” Muffin broke into a gallop, throwing her hooves around Time Turner. “You remembered!”

“Why, of course I did,” Turner said, returning the hug. “With all you’ve done to help my experiments, how could I ever forget you?”

“I thought everypony did,” Muffin replied, her eyes blurring with tears again. “With what my boss said…”

“I heard about that,” Turner gritted his teeth. “We all did. What he said to you was inexcusable. In fact, the rest of the mail team resigned in protest.”

“We know how much of a struggle keeping time is for you,” added a green unicorn, whose name Muffin couldn’t quite remember. “We all knew the boss had a temper, but he seriously crossed the line with what he said to you. Disgusting, even!”

“The Doctor was the first to inform me,” said Twilight with a smile, her eyebrows arched. “Rest assured, the postmaster and I are overdue for a long talk. But you don’t have to worry about that.”

“The Doc worked all night with Pinkie Pie to fix up this here barn,” added Applejack. “It’s a wonder he’s still standin’, though I can’t argue with results.”

“How’s the cake, by the way?” Turner asked. “If I recall correctly, carrot cake is your favourite?”

“Trust me, it’s delicious!” Pinkie exclaimed, bouncing around Rainbow Dash. “Oh, hey, Dashie! Your cutie mark is glowing!”

Dash looked over to her rump. “Huh, I guess that means my friendship mission is complete.” Clopping her hooves together, she cracked her neck muscles. “Great job with the party, by the way, Pinks.”

“Aww, you know I give every party my all. Plus, it’s for Derpy, so why wouldn’t it be awesome?”

“That reminds me. You know that Derpy’s real name is Bubble Muffin, right?”

“I… think I’m okay with ‘Derpy’, actually,” Muffin interjected. “It used to mean I was stupid. But coming from friends? Now it means I’m loveable. I think I can live with that.”

“Oh, that reminds me!” Turner exclaimed, raising a forehoof. Picking up a small remote device from around his neck, he pressed down on the big red button in the middle, opening a broad, orange portal from above. From within, a small, white envelope glided down into Muffin’s waiting hooves. “Open it.”

Ripping open the top, Muffin unfolded the folded letter inside, at the top of which was stamped with big, bold letters reading ‘Demolition Contract’.

“I was thinking about your next potential job,” Turned explained. “Should you wish to do something other than postal work, that is. Demolition does require a bit of precision, but I have a feeling it’ll work out for you more than others.”

“Wow,” Muffin’s grin grew wider than ever as she pulled Turner in for another hug. “I love you, Doc. You always make me feel like a million bits! With friends like you, life is worth living to the fullest!”

THE END

Author's Note

This is a story I've been thinking about for some time. The word "Derp" originates from Southpark, with Cartmen doing a horribly ableist/mocking impression of a person with downs syndrome, both to get in the special olympics and sniff underwear.

Though the word has become diluted to the point where the original meaning is lost, its roots as a slur used against disabled people cannot be ignored. So, I wanted to write a story about that, and how a disabled person can reclaim such slurs in a new context.

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