Twilight Sparkle, once a mere Princess Of Friendship, now the fully-fledged solo ruler of Equestria, had embarked on an arduous quest no royal equine of any lingering sanity had ever gone on before.
For she was about to attempt... fanfiction. Brace yourselves for impact.
After all, everypony needs a temporary escape from tedious court protocol, endless whinings of the populace and Spike boasting about his latest growth spurt occasionally.
Finally, some quiet time when I can work on my masterpiece… the wannabe author thought happily to herself, whilst marefully juggling her hot cappuccino, pad of notepaper and writing implements all in one overladen trip. It wasn’t easy giving my bodyguards the slip, but I need absolute hush for the next few hours if I’m gonna make ‘hay’ of this new hobby of mine. Now, let’s begin shall we?
Earlier, the always-prepared alicorn had cleared a space specially in the rarely-visited attic for this very purpose, so without any further delay she sat at her cobweb-free desk to map out where her imaginary saga would start.
Once upon a time, there was a shy librarian who moved to a far-off city, made five eternal friends and eventually they saved the world through the Power Of… the inspired Princess thought she’d stumbled across something brilliant, before reaching an obvious deduction. Wait. This is supposed to be fanfiction, not an autobiography. I’ll have to start again: and this time, try thinking outside the box a bit. ‘The box’…
Suddenly hit by another self-proclaimed flash of brilliance, she abruptly erased the few lines she’d written down until now to begin anew, this time with what she considered to be a far more intriguing (or more to the point, fictional) idea.
I was trotting home from my menial job at a fast-food depository one day, when what did I find along my usual route but a box. Somepony must’ve put it there, since there was no sign of it the day before. And inside, would be a discovery that would change my life forever…
“This is good stuff… and I’m not just talking about the coffee!” Twilight exclaimed aloud, whilst taking a sip of her caffeine-laden drink. “So anyway, Spoiler Alert, inside that seemingly nondescript cardboard container lurked a little blessing that would shake up her jejune existence as she knows it. A precious baby girl! The story will be called ‘My Little Filly’. Just think of all the fun our crotchety main character and her spry new charge will have together; changing diapers, sleepless nights, no time for reading, making lists or anything truly productive at all…”
Hmm. When I put it like that, this ‘fun’ new lifestyle seems a lot less glamorous in retrospect. Twilight paused momentarily, for if she was going to be the self-insert in this little drama, she certainly didn’t intend on spending all her free time being slave to a screaming poop monster.
Think I’ll stick a ‘pin’ in that particular project for now. It’s too close for comfort anyway, regarding my own experiences with Flurry Heart when she was growing up. Basically, what I’m looking for is something completely made-up, but which I can relate to and be a part of too. It also helps if it’s popular. After all, if nopony reads my expertly-crafted literature, what’s the point in me even doing this? I mean, writing for pleasure is great, but receiving recognition would add the cherry on the cake! Or, something! Wait… cake!
Another wave of creativity washed over the once-again eager alicorn, and she swiftly rubbed out the remnants of her last aborted concept. “This new epic tale will centre around Celestia. Or at least, a slight facsimile of her. Oh, why didn’t I think of this before?! It has all the ingredients of a modern classic: The Princess Charisma, Forced To Reign For A Thousand Years Alone After The Betrayal Of Her Only Brother Prince Loonie Who Was Banished To The Sun, Is One Day Reunited With Her Loved One After A Single Act Of Redemption. They Decide To Rule Zootopia Together, And You Wouldn’t Believe The Heroism, Sacrifice And Nobility With Which They Laid Their Mark On History… wait.”
Twilight stopped scribbling with her feather quill abruptly to squint in deep thought. That all sounds very nice, but not so far removed from the truth that my loyal readers won’t instantly clock who I’m referring to. Plus, I don’t want the real Princesses to ‘pay me a visit’ from Silver Shoals to protest the blatant plagiarism of their lives. Luna might never give me good dreams again and even worse, Celestia might s-say… ‘I’m very disappointed in you Twilight Sparkle’...
If Twilight had scrubbed out that brief synopsis any faster, the flammable parchment might well have caught fire. The palace accounts were quite healthy for now, but it was doubtful they could withstand a huge defamation claim. Plus, just think the effects a protracted lawsuit would have on my fledgling tenure as ruler. Better Princesses than me have resigned and gone into permanent exile over less…
Twilight took longer, deeper gulps of her coffee with an anguished look on her face. She absolutely refused to sell-out by putting her good name to anything ‘dirty’. She’d previously thought that simple-enough word meant a table that required dusting or some silverware that needed a wipe, until a giggling Pinkie Pie helpfully ‘explained’ the alternative definition to her. Along with the many explicit sub-genres that came from such a wide-ranging term.
Needless to say, she didn’t sleep a wink that night. Once true innocence is lost, it can never be restored.
And ‘shipping’? She’d always believed that was something to do with seafaring, a skill she wasn’t so well-versed in, preferring the more sophisticated travel of hot-air balloons and zeppelins herself when it came to navigating oceans.
Once more though, a by-now hysterical Pinkie Pie came to her rescue regarding this oft-neglected reference, and upon hearing the meaning the perturbed alicorn couldn’t help but wrinkle her nose in disgust.
What gives authors the right to choose the romantic partner of their protagonists?! Especially such unlikely pairings who haven’t got a chance of a truly long-lasting fulfilling relationship? I would never embark on such a dubious enterprise, even within the realms of fanfiction!
“Think, Twilight! You know you’re a smart pony! You’ve solved hundreds of friendship problems, read millions of books and even finished that tricky Rubuck’s Cube in less than a day! And you’re telling me… you can’t even complete a simple thousand-word first chapter? Focus, darn you, focus! Let’s try getting some atmosphere in here to help me with my articulation: ‘It’s the dead of night. I’m sitting here freezing my tail off by candlelight, with the wind gently blowing the shutters of the windows, the dust swirling around my head like confetti and a trapdoor s-l-o-w-l-y opening to let in a scary reptilian figure intent on devouring my very soul’… aarrgh!!”
“ ‘Soul’? I don’t want to eat your soul, Twi. Only precious stones or maybe cubic zirconias if nothing else is available, you know that. I just came up here to tell you about my latest height check. Pretty sure I’m even taller than you now! Which is saying something, considering how much you’ve increased in size as well recently...” An excited Spike gazed down quizzically at a petrified Twilight, who’d somehow managed to squeeze her aforementioned expanded size underneath her tiny desk. “Anyway, you wouldn’t believe the fuss downstairs! The courtiers, the servants, the local dignitaries… everypony is in uproar trying to find you! Being your best friend and Number One Assistant, I guessed where you were straight away. But I figured you could do with a break, especially when that rowdy old griffon Grampa Gruff refused to leave earlier after you didn’t give him a tax break. Honestly, I don’t know how you cope sometimes… Hey, did you hear about the latest issue of Power Ponies? They actually got round to publishing my letter at last! D’ya think there’s any chance they might introduce a new hero called ‘Super Spike’? N-Not that I’m asking for any creature specifically, but still… it would be quite nice...”
As Spike continued to chunter on, a by now relaxed Twilight reached a decisive conclusion even from her restricted space; no matter how absorbing, thrilling or raunchy your fanwork might be, nothing can compare to the monumental adventure that is real life.
Especially whilst hiding-out with a good friend from a bunch of stuffed-shirts, talking nonsense for hours all day long yet loving every second of it.
But, you know what? After hearing about Spike’s intimately-detailed day, and reintroducing herself to a relieved queendom, Twilight went back later and finished off the debut chapter of her fictitious work.
She did a lot more than 1k words, too. 1532 in fact, by the last count!
What’s it called and what’s it about, you ask? She’s not telling, but the rumour mill suggests one of the leading characters is some kind of ‘Scout’...
In any case, advance copies are available to order now. Book yours today, and get a free Friendship Journal with your purchase. You know it makes sense!
Author's Note
Well, there you go. Hope you enjoyed this alphabet-related venture. Let me know what you think, please. ^^
