What Are You Doing, Izzy?
Izzy held the flashlight up just beneath her chin and clicked it on. The beam of light revealed the unicorn’s devilish gaze and wicked grin against the darkened background of her living room. “This is a story that all the little ponies in Bridlewood are told.”
Sunny gazed questioningly at her. “Is it really?”
Izzy put her other hoof up by her muzzle and made a shushing noise. “Don't ruin the drama," she uttered.
“I was just curi—”
Izzy quickly moved up to Sunny, put her hoof to the earth pony’s muzzle and stared straight into her eyes while maintaining her evil demeanor. “Drama… One more interruption and I’ll have to take five points from House Kirindor, Miss Greymane.”
Zipp, Pipp and Hitch briefly glanced at each other and snickered.
Izzy then turned her attention to the others. “That goes for all of you, too.” She groaned mockingly. “You new students are always so undisciplined and ill-mannered.”
“Sorry, Izzy.” Hitch smiled as he adjusted the lens-less glasses he was wearing.
“But seriously,” said Zipp. “Is this a real ghost story in Bridlewood or just something you made up?”
“What does it matter?” asked Pipp. “It’s all just part of the festival like in ancient times. Right, Sunny?”
Sunny nodded. “That’s what it says in my dad’s old stories.”
Izzy retreated to her previous spot and held the flashlight underneath her chin again. “Oh, it’s real. Or at least it is in my imagination! This is the story of…" She paused for a few seconds. "The Mayonnaise Ghost!”
The others stared blankly as Izzy let out an overly dramatic diabolical laughter.
“Uh…” droned Zipp after several quiet moments. “The… Mayonnaise Ghost?”
“You all remember the day we first came to Bridlewood and I told you about the forbidden words?”
They nodded in response.
“‘What’s wrong with mayonnaise?’ Hitch was going to ask,” continued Izzy. “But I had to stop him because somepony was wandering by. I just thought this would be fun to do for the new Equestria’s first Nightmare Night!”
“I’m still curious about the real story behind that,” said Hitch, adjusting his spectacles again.
Sunny smiled. “I’m sure she’ll tell us in due time, Mr. Harry Trotter. But enough chit chat. Let’s hear your story, Izzy. I’ll bet you worked really hard on it!”
Still holding the flashlight, Izzy cleared her throat and did her wicked grin once more.
“Many moons ago, mayonnaise was actually the favorite condiment of everypony in Bridlewood. Unicorns put it on everything from sandwiches to hay burritos and even used it in many chip dips. They just couldn't get enough of it. One mare, whose name has sadly been lost to the passage of time, worked as a supplier of this delicacy. It’s said that even many of the local forest animals were fans of the yummy spread as well and would eat it plain, and the mare’s work took her all over the woods. But one day she went off on a routine delivery and never returned.”
The others listened in silence with their eyes glued to Izzy.
“A couple days later they found her cart overturned in a remote part of the forest. There was no sign of the mare anywhere and most of the shipment was missing. Whatever was left over was spread across the forest floor like a bad paint job—kind of like something out of the first ever art class I had as a filly, only... even less inspiring. After several weeks of searching, everypony had lost all hope of finding her. Some say she was taken by mayo-crazed animals. Others say that on the day she disappeared, she put the top on one bottle of mayo too many, and…”
Izzy slammed her free hoof down on top of a little twig that was on the floor next to her, causing it to break in half. “SNAP!”
“So that’s why she brought that twig in,” whispered Sunny under her breath.
“The unicorns turned the spot into a shrine in the lost mare’s memory, and left the cart there kind of like a gravestone.”
Zipp raised her foreleg. “Just a second. This seems more like a tragedy than a ghost story.”
Sunny, Hitch and Pipp all gave Zipp a bemused stare. "Drama..." they said in unison, mimicking Izzy's earlier tone.
Zipp’s eyes widened. “Sorry," she whispered aloud, lowering her foreleg and swiping her hoof over her muzzle like a zipper.
“One year later," continued Izzy, "several ponies were visiting the shrine, when suddenly they saw a ghostly, pony-looking figure. What’s more, a powerful acidic stench fell upon them. The smell was so bad that they got sick and had to flee. When an investigation team encountered the same thing, the place was declared cursed. Nopony has visited the shrine since, and ponies became so fearful of it that they became afraid of mayonnaise itself.”
The unicorn’s grin grew even wider, she closed her eyes halfway and moved the flashlight even closer underneath her muzzle. “And tonight just happens to be the anniversary of the mare’s disappearance. Maybe we’ll see the ghostly figure, and even if we don’t, if we start smelling rotten mayonnaise, well… get ready to lose your lunch! The end!”
The others gazed at Izzy quizzically.
Izzy reached over and turned on the lantern that was sitting on her living room table, illuminating the room enough that the light of the flashlight was drowned out. She turned off the flashlight and set it next to the lantern. "So..." she said with a hopeful gleam in her eyes. "What did you think?"
Pipp furrowed her brow. “Uh… Interesting?”
“It was okay,” stated Hitch nervously.
“Not bad,” said Sunny. “Yeah. Not bad.”
Zipp was completely silent.
Smiling sheepishly, Izzy rubbed the back of her head. “It’s a WiP. I wasn’t able to perfect it in time for the festival. But now that that’s out of the way, it’s time to show you my costume! Wait here!” She rushed upstairs, leaving the others in the living room.
After a few moments, the ponies all caught a whiff of something acidic. It wasn’t as bad as Izzy had described in her story, but it was noticeable enough they scrunched their snouts.
Pipp also immediately covered hers with her black robe. "Nu uh... she didn't..."
Izzy came bounding down the stairs, wearing a white bed sheet with holes cut in it for her eyes and horn. “Boo!” she cried, letting out an overly dramatic diabolical laugh. “Fear me! For I am... The Mayonnaise Ghost!”
“'Mayonnaise Ghost?'” said Zipp in disgust. "You smell like vinegar, not mayo."
“I painted this old bed sheet with honest-to-goodness real mayonnaise, but I also added some vinegar to emulate the smell of mayo that had gone horribly bad!”
A few moments later, Sunny, Hitch and Zipp couldn't resist any longer and protected themselves from the stench with their black robes just like Pipp.
Sunny chuckled. “Okay. I have to admit. Despite your story making it a little obvious, I did not see that one coming.”
“No two ways about it,” stated Zipp as she waved her foreleg back and forth in front of her muzzle. “You reek.”
Izzy grinned behind the bed sheet. "Perfect."
“But isn’t the whole point of being a ghost to sneak up on ponies?”
“Not this ghost! Don’t forget I’m only medium-sneaky anyway. Now come on, everypony. It’s the new Equestria’s first Nightmare Night! Let’s go paint Bridlewood red!” Giggling like a foal, Izzy’s horn glowed, the front door to the cottage opened and she charged outside. The smell of the mayonnaise laced with vinegar disappeared along with her, and was replaced by the refreshing scent of the forest and the mild afternoon air.
Sunny, Hitch, Zipp and Pipp lowered their forelegs and glanced at each other for a moment, then at the five pumpkin-shaped buckets on the floor by the door.
“I don’t know why,” said Pipp, “but for a second I was expecting there to be a can of red paint lying around.”
“She forgot her candy bucket,” stated Hitch halfheartedly.
Zipp picked up hers and Izzy’s buckets. “Running around town smelling like that I don’t think she’d get very much candy anyway. Other ponies will give us extra on her behalf if we ask extra nicely won’t they?”
Sunny looked down at the ground for a moment. Suddenly, she went wide-eyed and gazed up at the others wearing a wicked grin of her own. “I just had an incredibly evil idea.”
The four of them huddled up, and Hitch, Zipp and Pipp listened intently as Sunny whispered her plan to them.
Izzy didn’t look back at her cottage or at the numerous eyeball, bat, ghost and various other decorations either nailed to the trees or hanging from their branches as she went. The way was lit by orange lanterns lining the edge of the path as well as the afternoon sunlight, and the unicorn wasn’t even bothered by the cold air or vinegary smell of her costume. There was just one thing on her mind, and only minutes had passed before she spotted three mares walking down the road and chatting.
First targets sighted! she thought with a sneer. Izzy rushed up to the trio—two of whom were dressed as mummies, and the third as Maneia Jones, complete with a real whip attached to her saddlebag. Izzy rose up on her hind legs, flailed her forelegs high above her head, and made loud ghostly wails.
The mares stopped in their tracks and stared at Izzy wide-eyed for a moment before scrunching their snouts.
"Oh, hey, Izzy," said the Maneia Jones pony. "Happy Nightmare Night. But... what's up with that smell? You supposed to be some kind of dinner ghost?"
“Actually you’re half-right,” said Izzy. “It’s a bed sheet painted with mayonnaise and I threw in some vinegar. Beware The Mayonnaise Ghost! Beware I say! Your silly little chants and dance won’t save you now!”
The three mares all glanced at each other with an amused half-grin and raised brow then looked back at Izzy.
“Really?” asked one of the mummy mares. "I knew you were a bit of a character, Izzy, but with this you have officially crossed the line into utter weirdness.”
Izzy lifted up the front of her costume so the others could see her smiling face. “I know! It’s perfect for our first Nightmare Night. Now if you’ll excuse me, The Mayonnaise Ghost has lots of other ponies in Bridlewood to put the scare on! Happy Nightmare Night!” She set her hoof back down on the ground, causing the bed sheet to fall and cover her face again. She then headed off, leaving the three mares standing there befuddled.
“I can’t wait to show Alphabittle this little glow up!” exclaimed Izzy as she trotted through town. Every pony that she passed by gave her strange looks, furrowed their brows and some backed away while covering their snout.
Izzy laughed triumphantly. "My plan is working perfectly. Just look at them! I’m sure to win the ‘Most Unique’ award. Am I right, everypony, or am I right?”
Nopony answered.
The unicorn paused. “Everypony?” She turned around and her eyes widened.
Sunny and the others weren’t there.
Izzy glanced around, then called out loud enough that her voice echoed through the area. "Sunny! Hitch! Zipp! Pipp!"
She waited for several moments but again there was no reply. There was no sign of her friends anywhere, and the only thing she heard was the festival music playing from a local band and the ongoing laughter and chatter from every other pony around as they went about their merry Nightmare Night way.
Izzy's ears flattened and she frowned slightly. “Wow... I must have been so excited that I rushed ahead way too fast. They probably couldn’t have heard me over everything going on anyway. And I forgot my candy bucket too!” She let out a big sigh and shook her head. A few seconds later her demeanor brightened back up and she playfully hit herself on the forehead with her hoof. “Talk about being a scatterbrain. Oh well. I can always find the gang later and run back home to grab my bucket, or maybe the others remembered it for me. Next stop is Alphabittle’s!”
Izzy continued on her way through the village, stopping periodically to snatch up some of the goodies that were available for festival goers to munch on and drink. Like before, other ponies gave her funny looks and backed away slightly as soon as they caught a whiff of her costume.
Suddenly, the familiar voice of Sunny reached her ears.
“Izzy!”
The unicorn stopped in her tracks and whipped around. She beamed, spotting her friends weaving through the crowds toward her. “There you all are!” she cried. “You bunch of slowpokes!”
“Slowpokes?” asked Zipp with a grin. “You’re the one who zipped on ahead so fast you left us behind and also forgot the second most important part of the festival.” She gently placed Izzy’s pumpkin-shaped bucket—which was full of little bite-sized candies—down on the ground in front of her.
Izzy blushed in embarrassment although the others couldn’t see it behind her costume. “I didn’t even realize any of that until after I was already over halfway here. Sorry about that.”
Hitch smiled. “We took the liberty of gathering up your haul of treats for you.”
“I can see that!” chuckled Izzy. She took a fruit chew from the bucket, unwrapped it, then lifted the front of her costume just long enough to toss the candy into her mouth. “Yummy cherry! Thanks, everypony! I also see that my costume isn’t making you cover your noses in disgust like before. Maybe I should have added even more vinegar than I did.”
“No, no,” said Sunny. “You added plenty.”
“We’re just… getting used to it,” stated Pipp. “Anyway, where are we headed next?”
“I was just on my way to the place where Alphabittle works,” said Izzy as she picked up her bucket. “He is one of the judges for the Bridlewood Nightmare Night costume contest after all, and I can’t wait to hear what he has to say!”
Sunny nodded. “Then there’s no time to lose. Let’s hurry on over there!”
“Right-o!” Izzy turned and led the group onward.
"You're the what?" asked Alphabittle as he stood by the bar counter of the cafe, covering his muzzle with several paper towels.
Izzy giggled. “The Mayonnaise Ghost!" she exclaimed proudly. "I got the idea from that silly little superstition unicorns had about mayonnaise. Tell me it’s not the most unique costume you’ve ever heard of."
“I have only two questions. Question one: what’s up with that smell?”
“Oh, I made up a little legend and just wanted to have my costume go right along with it! Matter of fact, everypony has asked me that same question on my way here. Don’t worry, the mayo isn’t really spoiled, I just added some vinegar to really get that effect. Want to hear the legend I made up?”
"Later perhaps. And question two…” Alphabittle paused for a couple seconds. “No, really… What’s up with that smell?”
Sunny, Hitch, Zipp and Pipp all snickered under their breaths.
“Oh, you’re funny!” quipped Izzy as she playfully nudged the stallion's shoulder.
“It's definitely not one I would have thought of," said Alphabittle. "And you wanted to enter it in the contest?”
“You got it!" Izzy closed her eyes. "Just imagine it: me—Izzy Moonbow—winner of Bridlewood’s first ever Nightmare Night ‘Most Unique’ costume award!”
“It is fairly obvious you got the idea to poke fun at the old forbidden words like you said. And mixing it with the idea of Nightmare Night, I do have to give you credit for that. But is it enough? Without the smell it seems like a regular ghost.”
Izzy frowned and her ears drooped a little. “That mean it’s a no?”
“I’m not quite sure yet.”
Sunny walked up alongside Izzy and gave her a comforting smile. “I think it’s pretty unique, but he’s right. It could use just a little something more.”
Izzy sighed and looked down at the ground. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe I didn’t think this through as well as I thought.”
Sunny looked back at the others. “Now!” she shouted.
The sudden cry made every other pony in the cafe startle and turn in the group's direction.
Izzy jumped a little as well. “What the?”
Like lightning, Sunny and Hitch reached into the depths of their candy buckets and pulled out a small squeeze bottle of ketchup, causing a bunch of their candy to escape the bucket and fall to the floor. Zipp and Pipp did the same, except they brought out bottles of mustard. The four of them surrounded Izzy and started squirting the two condiments all over her costume, all the while cackling like devils.
Izzy let out a high-pitched squeal and squirmed in place but was unable to move anywhere. “What the hay?!”
Alphabittle grinned and simply watched as did every other pony in the cafe.
After a few minutes, Sunny and the others stopped their attack and retreated a few paces.
Izzy stood motionless with eyes half-closed and her costume covered in the new additions. Small patches of mayonnaise remained visible, and excess drops of ketchup and mustard fell from the bed sheet, joining the pieces of candy that now littered that part of the cafe floor. Several minutes passed by in silence before Izzy finally spoke. "I feel like a unicorn sandwich... Anypony want to add some bread to complete the ensemble?”
“Whole wheat or whole grain?” asked Hitch.
“Mayonnaise Ghost,” said Sunny, “you have just evolved into Condiment Queen!”
Several ponies in the cafe burst into fits of laughter while others just chuckled and gawked.
Izzy glanced at Sunny. “You mean the old Batmane villain who served virtually no purpose in the comics other than comic relief?”
“Well, you’re certainly giving all of us a laugh!” said Zipp. "I'd give you a comforting pat on your shoulder, but I'd rather not get my wing all glooped up."
“We picked up the bottles at the general store just after you left your cottage,” stated Pipp as she put the mustard bottle down on the bar counter. "Also this was Sunny's idea and it was just too good to pass up!"
Wearing a bright smile, Alphabittle’s horn lit up, and a clipboard and pencil levitated up from behind the counter bathed in the aura of the stallion's magic. The items hovered around him, came to a stop in front of his face, and he jotted something down on the top paper. “Now this is what I call a contender for the costume contest's 'Most Unique.' Don't worry about the mess on the floor. I'll clean it up. The night’s still young, but congratulations, Condiment Queen. You’re in the running, and I think it’s safe to say you have a good chance.”
Slowly, Izzy’s bemused demeanor brightened and she beamed. “I guess it’s okay! And maybe the whole vinegar thing was just a tiny tad too much. I just really wanted to make my first Nightmare Night something special.”
“Oh, trust me you’ve done just that,” said Sunny. “But Alphabittle’s right. Let’s get out there and enjoy the festival to its fullest.”
“I have an idea!” cried Izzy. “If we really really hurry we could make it to Maretime Bay before the sun sets! Race you all there!”
"I don't think the earth ponies will get the joke..." stated Zipp. "Oh, whatever. Let's fly!"
Izzy opened the cafe door with her magic and she and the others disappeared into the crowds outside.
After the door closed, Alphabittle set the clipboard and pencil down then cleaned up the fallen candy, ketchup and mustard off the floor.
A lime-green unicorn mare dressed as a vampire approached the counter. “Mayonnaise Ghost to Condiment Queen?” she asked. "That's unbelievable!”
Alphabittle let out a little sigh and gently shook his head, but his smile remained. “Not when Izzy’s doing it.”
Author's Note
My first attempt at a comedic fic. Thanks for reading and hope you enjoyed!
