Better off without me

Chapters

The Decision
Research
Seeking Help
First Appointment
Life Goes On
Uncertainty
Perspective
Final Appointment

The Decision

As Zephyr released the hug of his parents, Fluttershy cautiously approached. “I’m so proud of you, Zephyr,” she stated in a sincere voice, but with concern deep in her eyes. Zephyr knew she wasn’t just talking about his recent graduation from mane therapy school, but with their mother nearby, not to mention Dash hovering overhead, he didn’t want to talk about … the incident … right now.

“It was only a matter of time before they recognized my true genius! But actually doing the work probably helped” he joked in a desperate attempt to divert attention away from the alternative outcome had it not been for his big sis and some fortunate timing. “And I wouldn’t have…” wouldn’t be here at all he silently thought “... if it weren’t for you”.

Lazy. Couldn’t follow the simplest of procedures correctly even if he tried. It was who he was. Of course, that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. To Zephyr, laziness was a virtue - an incentive to find smarter ways of doing things rather than becoming wrapped up with the mundane. Zephyr didn’t want to become like his father, who had spent decades in the weather factory inspecting cloud samples, only to be replaced by a machine the Flim Flam brothers invented (granted, after forcing Mr. Shy into early retirement, the cloud factory had to hire another two ponies to tend to inspecting the machine). Sure, Zephyr’s schemes often had a few teething problems that made him look incompetent in the eyes of more simple minded ponies, but Zephyr understood that mistakes are a key ingredient of the creative process.

However, sometimes, ponies would say things that cut deep. The worst was Fluttershy’s friend Applejack…

Fluttershy had invited Zephyr along with her to sit and cheer on Rainbow Dash in the Best Young Fliers competition. Usually Zephyr would have protested at his big sister’s hidden bossy side presuming that she could drag him out of the house to wherever she wanted to go like this, but seeing as it was to see Rainbow Dash he would let his sister’s attitude slide this time.

Although he would never admit it out loud, Rainbow Dash was his inspiration. As a child, much like his sister, Zephyr took after Mr. and Mrs. Shy. On his report cards, his teachers would call him a “quiet achiever”. But being in the same school as Rainbow Dash had changed all that. She had the same amethyst eyes as he did, and was a close match for “the greatest napper of all time” award. But unlike him, she was confident, albeit a bit narcissistic, and didn’t let anypony boss her around. Every night as he went to sleep, he would wish on Luna’s moon that he could wake-up as Rainbow Dash. Yeah, that was the other thing, he hated that he had been born a colt. Mares were beautiful, intelligent and strong. Stallions were nothing. Even as a young colt he shuddered at the thought that someday long ugly hairs would grow from his chin unless he shaved every day. Although, as a pegasi who preferred to write with his mouth, using a razor wasn’t easy. Why fight nature?

He had been waiting in the stadium when Fluttershy’s friends showed up uninvited - apparently Twilight had found a spell that would let them walk on clouds. Zephyr knew Fluttershy would prefer to be with her friends rather than him, so he moved to one of the nearby clouds out of sight, but still close enough to be within earshot.

“Hey, didn’t you say that Zephyr was sitting with you?” asked Pinkie Pie, as she wondered to herself whether she could reclassify Zephyr as a gryphon so as to avoid her own “everypony’s my friend” policy.

“He umm… probably decided to go home” replied Fluttershy, “he just sits inside all day”.

Applejack spoke up, “Ah don’t know how ya put up with that brother of yours, Fluttershy. Now, Ah ain’t done the math, but from what you’ve told me about him, Ah bet that he wouldn’t buck enough apples in a lifetime to feed himself even for a day. He’s a cost with no benefits. Honestly, Ah’d rather be dead than be a burden like him.”

Fluttershy clasped her hooves over her mouth in shock at Applejack’s boldness. She opened her mouth out of an obligation to defend her little brother, but no words came out, so instead she just nodded slightly because she didn’t want to start an argument.

Over on the next cloud, Zephyr shrunk down into his cloud in silence, hoping that no one would notice him.

Despite other ponies frequently misinterpreting his cutie mark as a feather blowing in the breeze representing somepony who couldn’t hold a job, he earned his cutie mark for his talent writing, specifically, his introspective free flowing style that he developed when he started his diary. Of course as a pegasi, he preferred pencil to an actual quill. He placed a pencil in his mouth, and began to pour his thoughts out into the pages of his diary.

Dear Diary,

It has come to my attention that Equestria has more ponies than it needs. The truth is, with magic, we only need a few powerful unicorns to take care of everything, everypony else is just getting in the way. The princesses have tried to make up jobs for ponies, such as taking care of animals (although in honesty, it is the animals that care for lonely ponies), royal guards (as if Celestia can’t defend herself), or even water carrying (only Snails was dumb enough to think that this role was still important in an age of plumbing), but even with all these made-up jobs, a lot of ponies are still left jobless and homeless.

I have tried everything to convince myself otherwise, but taking all facts into consideration, I think that Equestria would be better off without me. Starting today, I will begin a research investigation into the most effective means of killing myself.

Mom and Dad, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry. I know that you will miss me, but it is for the better in the long run. Fluttershy, you are a bearer of the elements of harmony. Don’t follow in my hoofprints, Equestria may not need me, but it still needs you.

Research

“You know it's the middle of the day, right?” Rainbow asked with a raised eyebrow.

“I know,” replied Zephyr. “Siesta!” he announced, waving a hoof in the air as maracas magically played in the background.

He walked confidently up the steps, hoping that everypony might actually believe that he was planning to sleep. Because he would not want anypony to interrupt him this afternoon. Oh, pegasi shit, he forgot to bring his bags in. He considered going down to get them, but he honestly didn’t have the energy. He felt that if he were to go back down now, he would simply break-down in tears. He hated the feeling of taking advantage of his parents, especially since it had become somewhat of a bad habit, but right now, he needed their help, but couldn’t let them know why. “Oh, I almost forgot! All my stuff is out front. Wanna grab that for me, Pops?” a nervous laugh came out, which he mostly managed to stifle, and raised his nose in the air as if he were a noble pony, in the hope that his laugh could be confused for a short laugh of confidence. “Thanks,” he added.

Zephyr entered his room and sat on his bed, rubbing his hooves together in small circles as he waited for his father to arrive with his stuff. His mom had brought up the smaller bags, but he needed the suitcase. Zephyr’s silent fidgeting was interrupted by a few grunts coming from downstairs as his father used his head to slowly nudge the case up the stairs.

“Here go you go son” came his father’s voice with a sigh of relief that he was able to finally get the case to the top without having to embarrass himself by asking for Fluttershy’s help.

“Thanks Pops.” Zephyr bit his teeth into the suitcase handle and began to drag the case inside.

“I’ll just excuse myself”, said Mr. Shy as he left the room, flapping his wings to create a breeze parallel to the door. The door eerily closed itself shut with nothing but the sound of a slight click as the lock fell in place.

Zephyr opened the case to reveal an array of books packed densely inside. The musty scent of the pages bringing back memories of how he found them...

Zephyr was on his way to Canterlot in search of more concrete answers. Zephyr could have flown the whole way there, but like his sister, he was never a strong flyer, so he didn’t want to fight the air currents. Instead he flew down to Ponyville and caught the train. He thought that he noticed a glimpse of a certain pink pony, but it was unlikely to be who he thought. Still, just in case, he quickly darted around the corner to avoid her. Upon arriving at the station, Zephyr trotted off, and took a deep breath.

“HIA ZEPH!” a pink pony called out as she bounded off a nearby carriage. “IT WAS YOU! Ha Ha, I knew it! Where are you going?”

Fortunately, Zephyr had mentally prepared an answer for this in case of questioning. “Hi Pinkie Pie, I just needed to do some research at the Canterlot Library for a… research project.”

“Ohhhh… That sounds fun! Can I come?” the now slightly irritating pink pony asked.

Fluttershy loved to talk about her friends, but Zephyr didn’t remember her mentioning anything about Pinkie being interested in books, Fluttershy always made her sound more like the party type. Why did she have to get so interested in books now? “Sorry Pinkie, but the mane style techniques I’m researching are a trade secret. I can’t let anypony see, not even a trusted friend of my sister.”

“Not even if I Pinkie Promise?” Pinkie pleaded.

Pinkie noticed an expression on Zephyr’s face that matched that of one of her other friends, a cranky mule to be precise.

“Okey Dokey” Pinkie Pie grinned and bounded away.

Zephyr couldn’t help but admire her style. He felt guilty for rejecting her like that, and truth told, he would love to be her friend. He would love to have anypony as a friend. However, Zephyr knew that his death would cause enough misery as is. Now was the time to distance himself as far from everypony as possible in order to minimise the pain that they would feel.

When Zephyr reached the library, he immediately headed over to the restricted section. This section contained: ancient spells considered too violent to speak of in modern Equestrian society; seedy stories about horse phalluses; as well as miscellaneous texts describing encounters with humans, placed in this section after Fluttershy had expressed curiosity over the human diet upon Twilight’s return from Canterlot High. It also featured a felt board where anypony could publically post notes or images. It had originally started out in the romance section, but after Discord performed an incantation to link it with something called a “chan” from some other dimension, it was quickly rushed as far from public sight as possible. Zephyr, not afraid to challenge the establishment, at least in principle, had always had a fascination for what mysteries might be hiding in this section. However he had never been able to work up the courage before out of a fear of what ponies would say about him if somepony were to notice him here. Of course, none of that mattered anymore. If there was anything on how a pony could kill themselves, this is where he would find it.

It didn’t take Zephyr long until he found a book with a title that perfectly matched what he was looking for “How to kill yourself”, in big red letters along the spine. In the cover he found a note signed by Princess Luna urging anypony reading this to think hard about fluorescent zap apple jam, then take a nap immediately. Zephyr ignored the note, recognising the simple trap. He didn’t need help, this was something that he could figure out for himself. Besides, he wasn’t definitely going to go through with it, he just wanted to know how he could kill himself so that he had all the facts before coming to his final decision.

With a deep breath, Zephyr opened the book, realising that he had crossed the line towards insanity.

How to kill yourself, by Discord, Ph.D. in Chaos Magic
Method 1: Trigger a fashionista’s dark side. p.10
Method 2: Cheat a dragon. p.20
Method 3: Get zapped by a storm cloud. p.23
Method 4: Camp alone in the Everfree Forest during a full moon. p.30

These were all ridiculous. Granted, some of them might work if the right opportunity arose, but that seemed unlikely. They were 90% guaranteed to result in a lot of pain, especially the storm cloud suggestion, and 100% guaranteed to cause chaos, but rarely death. Zephyr wanted the exact opposite---some sort of spell or potion that is almost always lethal, but unlikely to cause any side effects if the suicidal pony decides to withdraw from the procedure part-way.

Zephyr let out a frustrated groan. It was clear that the restricted section had not been curated with the same quality standards as the rest of the library. For every fact there could be hundreds of misfacts.

Wait, what’s that? “The Moonshot Manticore Mouth Dive by Hoofdini, annotated by Trixie Lulamoon”. Trixie? Never mind.

Come on Zeph, he reassured himself, back in school you regularly questioned your teachers after your sister showed you how to cross-reference your notes and check references, so you can also find the book on how to kill yourself. Think like a researcher. Suddenly he knew what to do. He walked over to the front desk. “Hi there, I’m writing a report on preventing self-harm within psychiatric facilities for insane ponies. Could you please point me towards the health service journals?”

“Yes, of course darling. I wish you the best of luck in creating a safer environment for ponies like my cousin in law, Trixie, who almost lost her life after attempting the Moonshot Manticore Mouth Dive”.

Zephyr took a quick glance at the table of contents of one of the books… suicide methods ranked by lethality, Table 2.1. Bingo. “Uh, also, I was wondering if you have any forensic journals?”

With the books now before him in his room, Zephyr began working on his document: “Suicide Plan, version 1”. Using the academic literature to guide him, he was able to find a method that required only common household items lying about in the backhouse ... which come to think of it, would also make a pretty good studio. Focus Zeph. He had never laid out a plan in such detail before.

His finished plan read like an academic paper, and contained 30 references, mostly citing articles in leading medical journals. It would likely be worthy of publication in an academic journal, were it not for the prescriptive nature of his document, the excessive use of “I”, or that his writing was at odds with established literature by using the phrase “success rate” to refer to “lethality”. Nevertheless, the most effective method he could find only resulted in 70% probability of death, and risked permanent injury if it failed. On the other hand, most of the statistics were for ponies who had been clumsy, like one case study of a mail-mare referred to by the pseudonym “Derpy”, bullied because of her strabismus, who was saved by a local timekeeper pony after she inadvertently mixed up her suicide letter with her delivery-mail. Zephyr, in contrast, was determined to keep his cool in order to ensure that his attempt would be “successful”.

Finally, he wrote himself a checklist worthy of Twilight Sparkle,

Write suicide plan (done!)
Psychiatric screening for mental health issues that may be clouding my judgement
Make final decision
48 hour cool down period
Execute plan

He was about to give his plan one last read over, but was interrupted by a gentle knock at the door. “Zephyr son, your mother’s calling us to teatime, uh… if you’d like to, that is.”

Seeking Help

As Zephyr walked down the stairs, he noticed the light of gold plates and blue magical auras dithered across the wall. At the bottom of the stairs, he found his parents standing near the window and staring out onto the streets of Cloudsdale. The air was thick with silence. Zephyr decided he may as well attempt to break the ice.

“Canterlot guard?”

“Yes son.”

“I wonder what they’re here for.”

“Actually, we called them...”

It was probably something unrelated, but Zephyr couldn’t rule out the possibility that they knew.

“... for you.” Came his father’s voice, deeper than usual and cutting cleanly through the air. Zephyr’s mother hadn’t spoken yet, although that was not unusual.

Zephyr stood in a stunned silence. He considered rushing upstairs and attempting to hide his notes. No, they’d find them for sure. He’d have to burn them. No, that was the thinking of a desperate pony. Stay cool Zephyr, think your way out of this. He glanced from side to side to take in his surroundings, as if hoping that a portal to another universe might spontaneously open and offer him a way out. Nope, nothing. He knew it was time to confess to what was going on, but held on to the faint glimmer of hope that perhaps this was a joke.

His father grinned. “Boy, you sure scare easily”. “What have you been hiding?” he joked, blissfully ignorant of how close he was. “Nuh, it’s just a stray thunder cloud”. “Whenever there’s lightning involved, it’s best to call the guards to make sure young fillies and colts don’t get too close”

Zephyr waved his hoofs in exaggerated mock frustration at his father, perhaps for a bit longer than he should have if it were really all mock frustration.

His mom gave her husband a concerned smile.

Zephyr busied himself with helping his mom setup the table, attempting to avoid the need to make any further eye contact, which fortunately at the Shys’, wasn’t very common anyway.

After silently sipping a cup of chamomile tea then nibbling a few scones, Zephyr immediately headed over to the backhouse in search of the apparatus he would need for his plan, leaving his mom to clean up. As Mr. Shy watched Zephyr leave, a chicken claw appeared out of thin air, snapped it’s fingers, turned into a hoof, and gave Mr. Shy a hoof-bump. “Couldn’t say ‘no’ to a friend of Fluttershy,” Mr. Shy whispered to the invisible figure.

All Zephyr’s rummaging through in the backhouse had turned up nothing but worthless old cloud clippings. Why his father hoarded all this junk he could never fully comprehend. As a foal, Zephyr had once asked his mom whether perhaps it might be because his dad was part dragon, at which his mom just laughed.

In any case, his search was soon interrupted by Fluttershy, who for some reason had flown back just to pick an argument with him. Couldn’t she see that he had things under control and could do plenty on his own?

“… which is why you should move out” shot back Fluttershy.

“Your sister has a point” came Mr. Shy’s voice.

Kicked out without warning. Wasn’t expecting that today. Fluttershy could be a real jerk at times. Whatever. It didn’t really matter anymore anyway. Right now, Zephyr had an appointment to attend to.

Last week he had arranged with the administration unicorn at mane therapy school to set up an appointment with the school doctor. Despite having flunked all his classes, Zephyr was technically still a student for administrative purposes. A week sounded like enough time to prepare, but now that the meeting with his doctor was only a few hours away, he was having second thoughts. Sure, he had written out everything he was going to say, but he wasn’t sure if he could actually say it, or how his doctor was going to respond. Perhaps he would just be wasting his doctor’s time. Other ponies had real problems: broken hooves, snapped horns, fractured wing-bones. His was a mental problem, entirely self-induced, he could make it go away at any time as easily as he brought it about. He could burn that stupid suicide plan, cancel the appointment, and no-one would ever know about this nonsense. No - he was doing the right thing. Everything he had read had indicated that he should talk to his doctor even if it was just in the ideation stage, let alone a full suicide plan. Would his doctor put him in involuntary hospitalization? What would mom and dad think? What would Fluttershy’s friends think? He felt like a criminal. Why was he voluntarily turning himself in? Because he wanted this. He worked hard on that document, because he genuinely wanted to kill himself. Although the thought of confessing his suicidal thoughts was terrifying and made his fur turn sweaty, it was nothing compared to the true fear of having to live another 25 years of meaningless mundane pony-life if he couldn’t get past the first step of his plan.

As he walked to the doctor, he thought over what he was going to say. It would need to differ slightly from what he pre-planned. He wanted to play the whole suicide-plan down a bit: make it clear that he wasn’t in any kind of immediate crisis, and the plan was just a hypothetical plan if he were to commit suicide, not one that he was locked into. He wasn’t sure whether he should reveal the plan at all. He came up with an even number of arguments on each side of the self-debate on whether or not to share with his doctor. He compromised and decided that he would have to make up the decision on the spot rather than pre-planning this. If the doctor seemed approachable and didn't seem to want to send him to a psychiatric ward, then he would show the doctor the plan, if the doctor seemed shaken, he would instead keep the plan hidden safely in his saddlebag.

Upon arriving, he sat patiently in the waiting room. He didn’t really care how long it took. Given that he was planning to throw years of potential working life away by committing suicide, he didn’t really care about a few minutes or even hours in the waiting room.

“Zephyr Breeze”, his doctor’s voice came echoing into the waiting room. He nervously picked up his saddlebag and walked into his doctor’s office.

First Appointment

Zephyr took the yellow envelope marked “D” (“D” for “doctor”) out of his saddlebag and placed it on Dr. Horse’s desk. “This will be a little awkward”, Zephyr explained, “this document contains everything you need to know, but I’d like to try to explain first before you see it”. Zephyr sat for about 30 seconds staring at the wall, a few moments slightly moving his lips to start saying something then immediately stopping himself. Despite being more prepared for this meeting than anything else in his life, he struggled to find the courage to actually pronounce the words that had seemed so good on paper. Right now, he had reverted to a temporary moment of childhood shyness reminiscent of the period before he and Fluttershy had learned how to be assertive.

Dr. Horse waited patiently, eventually asking Zephyr “would you like me to read the document?”

“Only if I can’t explain,” Zephyr replied.

Zephyr had initially intended to present his argument in a logical order, starting with his suicidal thoughts, then moving towards his request for a referral to a psychologist. But it’s really difficult to start a conversation with thoughts of suicide. He fell back to a slightly less elegant, but also less intimidating first sentence. “I’d like a referral to a psychologist. Over the past year, I’ve been having suicidal thoughts. I… I don’t think I’m going to act on them, but I’d still like to discuss them with a psychologist”.

“Coming here was the right thing to do,” Dr. Horse explained. Dr. Horse’s voice was calm and reassuring; it was clear that Zephyr was not his first mental health patient. However, as somepony who had spent years covering up his own insecurities, Zephyr was also able to detect the hints of fear hidden behind the facade of calmness in Dr. Horse’s voice.

Exhausted of energy to take the conversation any further, Zephyr nervously slid the envelope towards Dr. Horse to open.

Dr. Horse began reading over the documents. There wasn’t nearly enough time to read over everything fully, but Dr. Horse promised that he would read it during his break later. The documents included Zephyr’s communications with an anonymous letter writing group Fluttershy once introduced Zephyr to, who he turned to for issues like these when he didn’t have any friends to turn to.

One of the letters received included a comment from a stallion who said princess Celestia’s guards had taken his magic and placed him into involuntary hospitalisation. Dr. Horse was quick to explain that this wasn’t something that he had ever had to do in his time as a doctor, and is only reserved for the most extreme situations, and promised Zephyr that he had no reason to worry. Dr. Horse was impressed with how clearly Zephyr wrote and expressed his thoughts (a skill Zephyr had developed from writing many introspective letters) and it was clear to Dr. Horse that Zephyr had spent a lot of time thinking about this.

Zephyr now felt safe enough that he reached his head into his saddle bag to pull out a second yellow envelope, document “S” (“S” for “suicide”), his suicide plan.

“So it seems like this is how you plan to die?”, Dr. Horse asked.

“I’m not committed to any particular technique, but that appears to be the most effective method” Zephyr explained, proud of his research findings

As Dr. Horse scanned the document, his face fell in disappointment.

With Zephyr’s permission, Dr. Horse took key notes from document “D”, then placed the document in a protective case, assuring Zephyr that nopony other than the medical staff at the hospital would see it. As for document “S”, his disappointment was unmistakable. “I’m disappointed that our public library system makes it possible to obtain this material so easily. I don’t see anything in document ‘S’ of medical relevance to understanding your case”.

Zephyr couldn’t help but feel like he had received a B- on an assignment that he had poured his everything into (lesson learned: don’t try and you can’t fail). He had put a lot of effort into this document, but the way Dr. Horse talked about it made it feel like pegasi defecation.

Dr. Horse’s pupils shrunk to dots. His mane frayed, as if somepony had charged him with static, and began to talk very quickly. “I respect your position, and it is clear that you have put a lot of thought into it. If you had shown me document “S” sooner, I probably wouldn’t have made that promise not to put you in forced hospitalization. I will be your “hub”. I’ll arrange a psychologist as soon as possible. After that, we will meet weekly. Equestria provides free mental health care, which is fortunate as we will need many sessions over a course of many moons”.

Zephyr was kind of hoping that one meeting would be enough to get the closure that he sought, but had always known in the back of his mind that it would take more. However, he had never considered that it might take this much work.

Zephyr asked Dr. Horse if there was anything he could do to make the process more efficient for Dr. Horse. “I don’t like being a burden” Zephyr rued.

“Don’t be silly, you’re not being a burden, this is what the system is for, genuine cases like yours”.

Zephyr asked whether he should talk to his parents. Dr. Horse nodded. He also explained that Zephyr could invite them in and that he would talk to them with him. He explained that sometimes that helps them understand and take it seriously. He said that Zephyr could come in anytime he wanted (although Zephyr got the impression that this was mainly just if he was in a crisis or near crisis).

Zephyr was relieved to be taken seriously. He was afraid that his concerns would fall on deaf ears, like his attempts to reveal to Rainbow Dash how he really felt about her. Now he had the attention that he wanted, but he was no longer so sure that he wanted it anymore. Zephyr was peeved at himself, silently thinking “Even if I live, this is going to take ages to sort out. Surely it would have been easier to just burn those documents and forget about the whole stupid thing”.

Before Zephyr left, he confirmed that he wouldn't kill himself (yet). Dr. Horse pointed his hoof to the suicide date that Zephyr had tentatively proposed in document “S”. “I want to add 25 years to that, we want you to die of old age” Dr. Horse said, in a failed attempt to lighten the mood.

He walked Zephyr out of the room, over to the reception and asked the receptionist to book Zephyr a “mental health” meeting with Princess Luna tonight. Zephyr got the feeling that “mental health” was just a polite code word for “suicidally insane pony”.

As Zephyr left, Dr. Horse couldn’t help but be reminded of a shy, but equally determined pony who had to be taken to a specialist after she walked into his office and asked “I’d like to be a tree”.

“Fine. You can stay here” reluctantly agreed Fluttershy.

Zephyr was doing all he could to stay positive, as this wasn’t his ideal choice either. However, he didn’t really have any other choices. And besides, it was Fluttershy’s fault for getting him kicked out in the first place.

He pushed a couch into position. He still felt hungry, but with all that had transpired today, right now he just needed to sleep. Out of a nearby window he caught a glimpse of Luna’s moon, the heavy crystal-like glass of the window causing the moonlight to refract into a faint rainbow pattern. It reminded Zephyr of the sonic rainboom he had witnessed Rainbow Dash leave in her wake at the best young flyer competition. Ah, Rainbow Dash, how Zephyr wished he could be more like her. He imagined himself as Rainbow Dash surrounded by friends who cared, and soon dozed off contently.

“Zephyr Breeze,” came the cold voice of the Princess of the Night. “We need to talk”

Zephyr nodded knowingly. Luna had access to all her subject’s psychiatric records, so he knew that it was only a matter of time before she would arrive. Zephyr explained his rationale to Luna the same as he had done to his doctor earlier. Luna listened intently, occasionally nodding her head.

“You may not be a princess, but you will play your part. If you remove yourself, you might be replaced by, as they say in modern Equestrian, somepony who is ‘pegasi shit’”.

“I don’t think anypony is pegasi shit” Zephyr rebutted. “I have seen even chaos himself reformed”

Luna shook her head. “You have to live in the real world, Zephyr. Some of the ponies I deal with in the psychiatric field are indeed pegasi shit”. Zephyr immediately felt embarrassed with himself at the naivety of his previous statement, remembering that Luna also protected the dreams of those in Tartarus, including Lord Tirek who would occasionally dream jump into the minds of fillies and perform all kinds of monstrosities as revenge for his imprisonment.

“Live your life Zephyr. Don’t over analyse”

“I have to analyse. I can’t ignore”

Luna took a deep sigh. Although she wanted to say more, she did not have time for this, and was limited in what she could say without breaching her code of conduct. While Luna disagreed with Zephyr, it was evident that Zephyr’s desire to die was not a symptom of any recognised psychiatric issue, but rather stemmed from something deeper. “Suididal ideation, but underlying cause unclear” she wrote. Then she added a footnote: “possible gender dysphoria”.

Zephyr awoke in the middle of the night and thought over their conversation. “Pegasi shit?” he asked himself. He felt some anger towards what Luna had said, whose stance was clearly hypocritical. Zephyr was almost determined to live, to reform Tirek himself, just to show Luna how wrong she was.

“Well, if I’m going to live, then may as well do it right. I’m going to spread friendship everywhere. I’m going to offer myself at Lord Tirek’s mercy to spread friendship with every drop of energy I have. After all, I don’t care if it kills me.”

Life Goes On

“These fabrics all need to be dyed those colors. Do you think you can handle that?” asked Rarity rhetorically as she and Fluttershy left Zephyr.

Zephyr immediately recognised the dyes, they were the same that he had used in classes at mane therapy school. Why did ponies want to be a single color? During one class he had tried to create vibrant colors like Rainbow Dash’s mane. But his tutor, Sassy Saddles, had not understood and made him hoof-wring out his practice mane with cold water and start over. But this was different, Rarity was the one pony who could be counted on to understand the need to create.

Suffice to say, things did not go to plan. When Fluttershy and Rarity arrived, Zephyr fought back the tears and tried to play it down, only to earn scorn from his big sister and her designer friend.

“Actually, I said I was going to tea with the princess. You're going to work.” stated Fluttershy flatly with a smug grin. Why was Fluttershy doing this to him? He had promised his sister that he would find a job (befitting of his awesomeness), not be a slave to the princess. Why couldn’t Fluttershy let him do things on his own terms?

As Zephyr tried to control his anger, Spike’s voice came “and I'm here to make sure you do it right”. That was the final straw. While Zephyr felt sorry for Spike, just a baby assigned as the property of the princess from birth, Zephyr was not going to stand for being bossed around like that. He was going to make Spike do the work. But he’d make it fun for poor Spike, with Zephyr in charge, Spike would barely know he was even doing the work.

“I was supervising! And then Zephyr asked me about different cleaning techniques and which one was best, and if I could— Hey! I did all the work!” came Spike’s voice as Zephyr backed away.

“I am gonna give you a job so simple and straightforward, not even you can weasel your way out of it!” barked Rainbow Dash. No. Not cool Rainbows.

Zephyr never really understood why Rainbow had so desperately wanted to fit in with the Wonderbolts as a filly. “Hey Rainbow Crash,” came Spitfire’s voice, “who’s the newbie?”

“Oh, nopony special,” stated Rainbow Dash.

“Not a flyer huh? Well, remember, the worst flyer of the day has to clean up the whole compound.”

Rainbow Dash threw a broom at a distracted Zephyr, causing a thunk sound as it comically bopped him on the head.

“Well?” asked Rainbow.

Zephyr rubbed his head, “I’m going to the sick bay”.

Spitfire smirked, “didn’t Rainbow also mention the rule that if you don’t do it we all strike you with a lightning cloud?”.

“Sorry” whispered Rainbow in Zephyr's ear, “but I have to do it or the ‘Bolts will think I’m a softie”.

A few seconds later pain surged through Zephyr's body, and he flew away as tears swelled up in his eyes.

Rainbow escorted Zephyr back towards the residential area of Cloudsdale and knocked on Mr. and Mrs. Shy’s door. Rainbow tried to push the guilt out of her mind. Zeph deserved it, she told herself. She had to do it.

Zephyr’s parents let out a short gasp when they saw him. “Hey Mom and Dad. I know I said I was leaving, but do you mind if I stay for lunch?” asked Zephyr. “Of course dear,” his mom smiled.

After lunch, Zephyr sat curled up in his bed. Head in hoofs. When he heard a faint tap on his door. His mom—not that his dad’s knock was much louder. Zephyr opened the door, but noticed his mother was making her awkward I-told-your-father-about-your-diary-hope-that’s-okay lopsided smile. Zephyr inwardly sighed. Why even fight it.

“So, your father received an unexpected letter from Princess Luna.” Mrs. Shy began, as Zephyr mentally prepared for the worst. “He wouldn’t tell her anything though”, she explained, “he didn’t want to risk telling her anything that you were uncomfortable with”. His father had always been the type to prepare for the worst. His father wouldn’t admit it, but the real reason he collected clouds samples was that he feared the cloud factory would one day lose the originals and not have the right cloud types to use as weather seeds. He probably thought that the recent letter from Luna was part of some grand conspiracy by Lord Tirek. Zephyr placed his hoof to his face.

“Uh… well” began Zephyr, “I’ve been feeling a bit… depressed”. That wasn't quite true, at least not in the clinical sense, but it was easier than admitting to being suicidal.

Mrs. Shy gave her son a knowing smile. “You know, I developed depression soon after I gave birth to you” Mrs. Shy said with a soothing voice. “Out of the job, I felt so constrained to the house. I went to my doctor, Dr. Honey, our family doctor, and I just broke down in tears in-front of her”. “It’s more common than you think. When you break a leg, everypony knows, but when you break inside, it’s not something that everypony notices“.

Zephyr listened silently to his mother’s story, other than the occasional “mhmm”, although inside was wondering why Mrs. Shy had hid this from him for so long.

“As you probably know, your sister Fluttershy had anxiety when she was younger. I’d recommend talking to her about it—in some ways, you two are very similar.”

Zephyr made a mental note to check in with his sis.

Zephyr landed softly at Fluttershy’s cottage. As he passed over the bridge he caught a glance of his reflection in the water running underneath it. His mane was visibly burned, and still buzzing with electricity. He couldn’t let Fluttershy know how badly Rainbow hurt him. But sometimes the best way to hide something is to draw attention to it.

“Show time” he whispered to himself as he burst open the door to Fluttershy’s cottage. “Rainbow Dash is crazy, okay?” yelled Zephyr, stomping his hoof for dramatic effect.

“So you just quit? Again?” shot back Fluttershy flatly with a raised eyebrow.

Taking advantage of Fluttershy’s uncharacteristic disregard for Zephyr’s injuries in the heat of the argument, Zephyr wrapped himself in a pink blanket on Fluttershy’s couch before she had a chance to properly examine him. Zephyr’s body still ached from the shock but he knew that he could count on his sis to care for him until he recovered from his injuries.

Fluttershy ripped the blanket off him, leaving him to shiver in the cold air. “I’m sorry, Zephyr, but I don’t think you can live here.”

With a tear in his eye Zephyr headed for the door.

As Zephyr bolted out to the woods, another pegasus landed with a guilty look on her face. Rainbow gently knocked on Fluttershy’s door, uncertain how she would explain to Fluttershy why she had done what she did to Zephyr. But fortunately for Rainbow, she didn’t have to. Fluttershy couldn’t exactly talk with a dustpan in her mouth, and Rainbow didn’t want to. So Rainbow took up a broom and tried to work away her guilt by helping Fluttershy clean up the mess Zephyr had left behind.

Zephyr was feeling a bit better after Fluttershy and Rainbow eventually decided to go looking for him. With the help of a song, Zephyr even managed to style hair to look exactly like it was supposed to. However, underneath the temporary uplift, Zephyr was still the same pony with the same problems.

Uncertainty

Zephyr’s checkup with Dr. Horse was scheduled for next week. Zephyr felt terrible for all the extra stress he was putting on everypony. He had wanted to commit suicide as a way of releasing others of their burden, but all this nonsense about suicide was just making everypony’s burdens heavier. Asking for help had been a mistake, he was just making life worse, he would deal with this himself, and would go through with his plans (whatever they were) without drawing any more attention to himself.

Zephyr tried to reason his way out of it. He tried every counter argument, but for every counter argument there was a counter-counter argument.

For: There are too many ponies and I’m a waste of space that nopony needs. Counter: The fact that you care shows that you are a special pony that Equestria needs. Counter-Counter: The fact you are even considering things like this shows that you are an insane pony that needs to be put down before he goes on a mass killing spree of other ‘unwanted’ ponies as well.

The scheduled appointment was now only a few hours away, and Zephyr was no closer to a decision. Fortunately, his inner adjudicator was still functioning fine. Zephyr, you promised yourself at least a 48 hour cool-down period, yet you are still disputing this now. Face it—even if you were to have perfect clarity on your desire to kill yourself, the cool down period won’t end for at least another couple of days. You will have to grit your teeth and face Dr. Horse regardless of your decision.

Zephyr arrived at the clinic early. He was dreading this appointment. He wished that he had kept it to himself. Regardless of his decision, he didn’t want anypony else involved. He decided that he would just play it down. But he would have to let Dr. Horse in on something, else he knew Dr. Horse would get suspicious.

Dr. Horse arrived, and kindly gestured to Zephyr to come in. Once in, Dr. Horse shut the door. “Hello Zephyr, how have you been going?” Dr. Horse asked kindly.

“Good.” answered Zephyr.

“What do you mean by that?” Dr. Horse clarified, concealing his frustration with Zephyr - Dr. Horse had meant the question as a genuine point of introspection, rather than trivial small talk.

And Zephyr knew it too. “Oh. Ahh…” Zephyr began, hoping that somehow Dr. Horse might have forgotten about Zephyr’s history and be willing to perform an ordinary health check-up instead. No, that wasn’t going to work, time to spill the beans Zephyr. A bead of sweat ran down Zephyr’s forehead as the room suddenly grew warmer “... I mean that everything is okay, and I haven’t worked anymore on my plans to kill myself”. Really, he hadn’t. He had simply considered putting his previous plans into action. He had been so busy working out the details of whether he wanted to commit suicide, he hadn’t had time to work on the physical details anymore. Not that he needed to, sometimes simple plans are the best plans.

“Good,” replied Dr. Horse.

The conversation proceeded fairly ordinarily, with Dr. Horse attempting to sort out the details of a mental health plan with Zephyr. “Look, I’m on holiday until the next moon” Dr. Horse said “but you know who to contact if anything goes wrong.”

“No problem,” replied Zephyr, “I don’t think regular meetings are necessary anymore, I feel stable now” he lied.

Dr. Horse took Zephyr out to reception, and they booked a follow up meeting shortly after the next moon. Phew. That had been close. Now Zephyr had bought himself plenty of time to think this through himself.

Zephyr had gotten into the habit of writing his arguments for, counter, counter-counter, counter-counter-counter, and counter-counter-counter-counter out. His saddle-bag was now weighed down with heartfelt notes to himself that stretched both his emotional and rational side to their limits in never-ending self-debate. Today he was on the train on his way to Canterlot. Nothing special. Just another day in the life of an unemployed job hunter. Today, Fluttershy had him off to help take notes for Rarity on a research mission to identify her next boutique.

As he thought on the train, he went through his regular routine of arguments with himself. Although this time he had found an argument for which there was no counter. He was right. The world didn’t need him, and he didn’t want to be there. It was finally time to go. That, and he was really dreading spending yet another friendless, meaningless day in Canterlot with Rarity, who could easily write her own notes anyway.

“Canterlot,” came a deep voice through a funnel at the end of the carriage, channelling the train driver’s voice. But Zephyr wasn’t getting off today. Nope. If this was his last day, he was going to enjoy it.

Zephyr stayed glued to the window, just thinking. Or at least it felt like thinking, but he didn’t remember any actual thoughts per se. It was more like simply being. Thinking emotionally rather than a stream-of-consciousness. He let the train carry him well past Canterlot until he finally dismounted at the Crystal Empire.

He loved the Crystal Empire. His subconscious had led him here in a one last-ditch attempt to make himself understand what it meant to be alive. If he could live anywhere, it would be here, but he was stuck living in bucking Ponyville with his sis. Oh well, technically, he wouldn’t be living there for long.

As Zephyr meandered around the streets of the Crystal Empire, he allowed the subconscious part of himself that wanted to live to lead him to the Crystal Library. He felt at home here. Like this was his true home. He found his way to the philosophy section. Usually, he would be looking for a specific book, or at very least know the topic, but today he was just browsing, allowing the Dewey System to do it’s work in conveniently grouping similar books together as his subconscious gravitated him towards what it needed him to find. Soon he stumbled upon it, “The Creature you can Save” by Professor P. Singer. He had first seen this book before; Fluttershy had lent it to him the day after Applejack’s remark at the Young Fliers competition. He had never finished the book, but had read just enough to get the gist: creatures were suffering while he did nothing, and he was not doing enough to help them. The guilt of this revelation had planted a seed that had grown uncontrollably in Zephyr’s mind into a solution, albeit not the one that the author had intended. He may as well read it in more detail in case there was something important in there that he’d missed...

Upon re-reading it, he understood now. He was a cost, yes, but he was also an investment. One that could change the world if it paid off. And it would be a shame for that investment to flop now.

Zephyr closed the book and went home content for the first time in months. A terrible burden of guilt had been lifted from his shoulders, and a sense of purpose filled his heart.

Perspective

Zephyr found himself waiting in what now felt like a familiar scene. To his left, he could hear mothers chit-chatting about their foals. But he stared straight forwards, as if looking through the walls and into space. He had been through so much. What would he tell Dr. Horse? “Zephyr Breeze,” came a familiar voice.

Zephyr had become much more familiar with Dr. Horse now. He didn’t mind sharing his secrets. It’s not as if it could be any worse than what he had already revealed. “How have you been?” Dr. Horse asked. Zephyr knew what he meant this time, and didn’t hesitate to come forward with the truth. “Okay, there was an incident where I thought that I wanted to die, so I threw out all my stuff. It wasn’t a big deal though, because I let Mom keep most of it just in case I changed my mind”.

“Good”, Dr. Hooves said and nodded.

Zephyr was surprised, it was as if Dr. Horse didn’t care about Zephyr personally anymore. Not that that offended him in any way, it was just strange at what seemed like a change in behaviour of his doctor.

Dr. Hooves elaborated, “I’m glad to hear that you didn’t just break it up and throw it in the trash immediately, it shows that you’re thinking about the future”. “What do you plan to do after you finish your mane styling course?”.

“I haven’t decided yet,” replied Zephyr. “I’m trying to keep my options open, Rarity thinks that I could be a hit in Manehattan, but to tell the truth, I think I’d rather try to get a position helping out on the Apple farm.”

“Good,” noded Dr. Horse, “ponies who are seriously considering suicide usually wouldn’t think that far ahead. They usually don’t think beyond their planned suicide.”

Zephyr gave a silent nod of acknowledgement, uncertain whether Dr. Horse’s logic was sound, but relieved not to be interrogated any further.

“I’ll be moving to a different clinic soon, at the start of the next moon,” Dr. Horse announced. “It’s a smaller clinic near the edge of the Everfree Forest”.

Zephyr smiled.

“I’m satisfied with your progress, but let’s have one final meeting before the next moon starts”.

Zephyr could have probably found Dr. Horse’s new clinic, but he got the feeling that Dr. Horse didn’t want Zephyr following him there. Zephyr knew that there were lots of possible reasons that Dr. Horse was needed at Everfree, but wondered whether the stress of dealing with patients like himself might have been part of the reason he decided to move.

Zephyr’s mom kept hinting that he should talk to Fluttershy. Knowing his mom, it was probably something minor. However, he couldn’t help but be a bit curious.

Today was one of the rare occasions that Fluttershy had decided to come over by herself without bringing one of her friends. Zephyr peeked over at Fluttershy sitting in the living room, and fantasized about going up to her and telling her everything. He started walking towards her, but sweat started forming on his brow. He turned, drank a cup of water from the kitchen tap, and walked outside to his zen garden, uh, Mom’s garden.

Come on Zeph. Is this really the relationship that you want with your sis? To keep these things unsaid for eternity? What kind of world do you want to create? What kind of relationship do you want? You don’t have to be shy just because your parents are. You, and you alone, have the power to change this.

Zephyr felt his heartbeat rise. An adrenaline rush. But what for? Smart body. His subconscious must have known what he was about to do. He figured that he may as well make the most of his current high before the adrenaline wore off.

Zephyr approached Fluttershy and nervously attempted to elicit a conversation from her, “Um Fluttershy, I’ve been meaning to ask, you know before you left home how you used to get really sad and curl up into a ball?”

Fluttershy gave a "mhmm" and a gentle nod. “It's anxiety, it happens when I'm really worried or afraid of something, which used to be quite often,” she explained. "It started when I was younger. I tried talking to Dash about it, but she didn't really take mental health seriously at the time, and thought it could be cured with a pep talk. Mom convinced me to talk to a doctor about it. Since meeting Twilight and the others, I can talk to them about it now as well, and Dash is more accepting now."

"How did Mom and Dad react?" asked Zephyr

"I didn't tell them everything..." Fluttershy hesitantly elaborated. "I told my doctor that I wished I'd catch swamp fever and turn into a tree. I'd like to be a tree, you know, surrounded by nature without all the stress. My doctor kind of freaked out and made Rainbow Dash promise to fly me to the mental health wing of the hospital. A psychologist helped diagnose the issue, and mentioned that mental illnesses often run in families. Mom and Dad probably have anxiety too, but I didn’t tell them that because it would probably only make them more anxious."

Zephyr wasn't quite sure what to say.

"Um, are you okay?" asked Fluttershy.

"Yeah, my doctor kind of freaked out about something too, but I'm fine. Thanks for checking sis."

Zephyr was catching the train to Canterlot to try out for a temporary position in the royal gaurd, something about defending a secret passage, which was sure to make Rainbow Dash proud if he got in. But then the suicidal thoughts were back. “Ugh, not again!” Zephyr thought to himself, “I just want some bucking stability”.

Zephyr was sick of reasoning about this kind of thing emotionally. It was draining. He just wanted a simple logical answer, “yes”, or “no”. What was his criteria? There was only one criterion that he really cared about, and that was his value to Equestrian society. Zephyr took out a piece of paper and picked up a pencil in his mouth, and began to sketch a diagram, placing “value beyond replacement” on his y-axis. Of course, there was no way that he could quantify that, at least not without a lot of calculations, but he could make a rough estimate of relative values in arbitrary units. On the x-axis, he placed time in years since he was born, from 0 through to 40 (not that many ponies other than alicorns lived that long but Granny Smith had demonstrated it was possible).

His time as an inexperienced manestyling intern would be another two years. He would be nothing but a drain on society for this time period. But when he plotted it to scale, it was just a small blip on his plot, and nothing compared to the immense resources that had already been placed in him by his parents and teachers over the last 15 years of his life. Going into the future, he could see that the best was still ahead, and that he still had many years to repay his debt to society. Why hadn’t he plotted this before? It was so obvious now that living was the correct decision. Nearly all the investment capital had been paid, and the dividends were coming soon. He shuddered at the thought that just a few moons ago he had placed all that at risk by prematurely terminating everything now.

Final Appointment

It was Zephyr’s final meeting with Dr. Horse today. Zephyr confidently walked into the clinic with a smile on his face. He had considered buying a gift for Dr. Zephyr to thank him but had eventually decided against it because he was worried that it would make things more awkward for Dr. Horse if some nosy secretary pony misinterpreted it as a bribe for special treatment. Besides, there was nothing that he could offer that would be appropriate for something that amounted to no less than saving his life. “Hello,” Zephyr greeted his doctor.

“How are you today?” came Dr. Horse’s familiar reply.

“Great,” replied Zephyr. “Everything’s better, I haven’t gone back to my suicide plan. I’m just coming in to follow up on our agreement to meet this one last time”.

“Are you aware that this is my last day here?” asked Dr. Horse.

“Yes,” answered Zephyr, realising the reality that his saviour was about to leave and that they were unlikely to ever meet her again. Zephyr pushed aside the hurt he was suddenly feeling, knowing that being clingy would just make the situation worse.

“What caused you to change your mind about suicide?” Dr. Horse asked.

Zephyr had anticipated this question, and had prepared a bogus answer that would cause Dr. Horse not to worry. But suddenly a thought occurred to him: “Is this so that you can use the knowledge to better treat other patients?” asked Zephyr.

“Yes”.

Drat. Zephyr didn’t want to concern Dr. Horse, but he couldn’t risk corrupting the integrity of the feedback. There was nothing for it, he would just have to give an honest answer for this. “It’s hard to explain, and self-contradictory, but something about being told that some ponies are pegasi shit made me want to live so that I can change the world and prove Luna wrong” exclaimed Zephyr.

“How are things at home?” asked Dr. Horse, “do you get on with your parents?”.

“We get along”, he replied.

“There’s one last thing I’d like to ask you about,” said Dr. Horse. “Do you have a group of friends?”.

“Not really,” replied Zephyr. Well, technically he did, but they were just manestyling classmates rather than friends. He never felt like he could talk to them about anything important and they had drifted away after graduation.

“Why not?”

“Well, I never really had time, and because I thought I was going to kill myself I’ve tried to distance myself from everypony in order to minimise the suffering that I cause them”.

“Would you like some now though?”

“I guess, I’ve never really thought about it.”

“I’d suggest finding a small group of friends. You don’t need a large group of friends, just a few good ones. I have a group of friends that I go for drinks with on the weekends. I don’t have time for much else”.

For a brief moment, Zephyr wondered if her doctor was inviting him, then perished the thought, realising that would probably be kinda awkward for everypony. “Thanks for the suggestion” Zephyr replied, trying to maintain his neutral businesslike expression, but his heart leaping with the possibilities that lay ahead.

“Oh, and real friends, not just penpals,” clarified Dr. Horse.

Zephyr didn’t really see the difference, but he laughed it off with an “of course”.

“Is there anything else?” Dr. Horse asked as Zephyr prepared to leave.

“Well, I guess I just wanted to say thank you. You were the perfect pony to meet.” Zephyr said sincerely, but hoping he wasn’t overstepping the patient-doctor relationship.

They exchanged a smile, and then Zephyr left, a grin on his face, and thoughts of befriending everypony.

Author's Note

Thanks for reading! As you may have guessed, Zephyr is me five years ago. Things have gotten a lot better since I sought help, moved out of home and recently started a gender transition.

If you are in a similar postition, I'd encourage talking to a doctor about it.