Raine Lionheart Presents... My Little One-Shots

by Raine_Lionheart

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Anthology, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Death, Other, Princess Luna, Spike, Comedy
Length: 3112

Some One-Shots set in everyone's favorite ponyverse. Incredibly dumb and probably detrimental to your health.

A collection of one-shots set in our favorite land of magical sentient horsies. Expect dumb and silly, then lower your expectations from there.

#1. Written In The Stars (01/01/22)
#2. Always Consult Your Co-Diarch On Matters Of Security (01/01/22)
#3. The Birth of Equestrian Heavy Metal (01/06/22)
#4. Human In Eq-- Human In Eque-- HUMAN IN-- OH FOR CELESTIA'S SAKE (01/10/22)
#5. Groundhog's Day (02/02/22)
#6. Must Have Been One Hell of a Warp

Published 2022-01-10 07:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2022-06-09 19:48:58 UTC

Always Consult Your Co-Diarch On Matters Of Security

2: Always Consult Your Co-Diarch On Matters Of Security

Princess Luna gave a great yawn as she trotted down the corridor from her personal chambers to the Royal Kitchens. Her freshly pressed and warmed robe was secured tightly around her barrel, and in her aura she grasped a midnight blue mug the size of a cider stein. The black coffee within steamed faintly beneath her muzzle, and she counted this as aromatherapy.

Bless Starswirl's ingenious coffee apparatus. It held a place of honor within her chambers.

She took a sip as she turned the corner, and then promptly drenched the 20 hooves of carpet in front of her with twin jets of coffee, projected from her snout.
"What in blazes-!?" Luna cut off her exclamation as she realized its inappropriate aptitude.

On either side of the door leading to the Royal Kitchen stood two of her sister's Solar Guards: perfect specimens of ponykind in terms of size, wing power and magical prowess (as tribal attributes may be measured). Both wore the same professional, stoic expressions that befit two Royal Guards in the service of Equestra, which contrasted greatly with the fact that both of their manes were on fire.

Princess Luna, co-diarch of Equestria, and Princess of the Night and the Dream-realm; Keeper of Onieria and Nix; the Pony of the Great Unconscious; daughter of Galaxia herself...
She could only gape.

If the two stallions had been acting accordingly to the situation (for example, if they had been, perhaps, screaming, or flailing, or dying even), she would have found herself acting without hesitation. It was what any pony in her place would do. But seeing as how both looked no worse than if they were simply guarding a stuffy Gala, she remained motionless. One of them noticed her and quickly saluted.

"Princess Luna, ma'am!" He barked. His partner on the other side of the carpet saluted as well.

Blinking, quite beyond bemused, Luna weakly gestured with a forehoof for them to be at ease.

Their manes continued to blaze.

Luna opened her mouth and inhaled, but words failed her, and her mouth closed with a light click of her teeth.

The second guard pointed a hoof up at his burning scalp. "You're curious about-"

"We are curious about your flaming manes, indeed," she assented with a nod. She took another slurp of coffee.

"It's not real, your majesty," said the first guard.

Luna rolled her eyes. "Well certainly not. Else, you two mayhap be demons most foul, from the deepest pits of Tartaurus, in order to survive such conflagration."

The two Guards exchanged confused glances.

"Well, explain this illusion," ordered the surly Mare of the Night, the Darkness and the Vast Expanse of the Heavens. She gave a tiny, regal belch. "And be swift with your lips. I require the breaking of little breads and the spreading of the associated jams in tiny pots."

"Of course, your majesty," the second guard began, "it's just that her Highness, Princess Celestia-"

Luna muttered into her mug.

"-was bored earlier and decided that it was high time to tweak some of the castle's decor."

"Of course," the Dark Pony rolled her eyes. "Without even consulting with her co-ruler."

She trudged forward, and the guards hastened to open the doors to the Royal Kitchen, sweeping them shut silently a moment later. Once more, Luna sighed.

It was going to be a long night.

Author's Note

I had no real ending for this, I just really wanted to write some more Luna :pinkiecrazy:

The Birth of Equestrian Heavy Metal

Black Minos formed in the back alley salt bars of a minor Trottingham steel town a few moons after the return of Princess Luna. The quartet had been moved by the conflicts of dark versus light and were compelled to write music as dark and forbidding as possible. With their first single, "Lunatic Dance", they singlehoofedly began the first foray into Equestrian Heavy Metal.

Their lead singer, a pegasus who went by the alias Fuzzy Stageborne, bore a cutie mark depicting an iron mask and bridle, whose eye holes burned firey orange. His onstage antics were the thing of legends in the pop music world. He would crush whole salt bricks beneath his hoof and lick up lines of it. With some clever stagecraft (and a little zebra alchemical magic) he would whip up a flask of green slime and spray it over the front rows. And of course, there was that incident with the bat pony... who was recovering well enough, thank you very much.

By the time Black Minos had released their second album, tensions within the band led to the ejection of Stageborne from the group. This was amidst the New Wave of Equestrian Heavy Metal (or as it was affectionately nicknamed, NWOEHM) led by the likes of Iron Mare, Motörhoof, Thunderclaw (a Griffin Metal band), Princess of Pain and of course, Maretallica.

On the western coast of Equestria, from the city of Vanhoover came trudging the first breed of extreme Equestrian Heavy metal - Coltcrusher. With a vocal style inspired by the very depths of Tartaurus itself; guitars that sounded like the gnashing of dragons' teeth; and apocalyptic drums, this group delivered a brutal and shocking spectacle which inspired a small legion of musicians to continue pushing the boundaries as far as they possibly could.

And among those enthralled by it all was just about the last unicorn anyone would associate with such uncouth, unrefined music.

But then, Rarity lived to buck conventional thinking.

Author's Note

No promises, because I lose motivation so quickly, but I have ideas for this story. As a longtime Metal fan, it would be so fun to continue this. Rarity's stage name is one if my favorite things I've ever created.

Human In Eq-- Human In Eque-- HUMAN IN-- OH FOR CELESTIA'S SAKE

You were having a normal morning. Woke up at 6, showered, ate and left your place.

Just as you locked the door and turned to walk off toward your job, you felt the very Earth beneath your feet simple vanish. You found yourself falling through a bright white void.

Your own screams were lost as you fell faster and faster...

At least until the strain of transdimensional travel was too much for your heart, and you died of cardiac arrest.

You waved at your friends and started down the path through the park, whistling as you headed home.

Suddenly, the air before you seemed to contract, then split open, depositing a creature the likes of which you had never dreamed. It seemed to be a Frankenstein's buffet of animal parts glued onto a furry serpent. It's eyes shone with malicious intent.

"Oh, how delightful. My first stop and I bag myself a hairless ape! Fluttershy will be so pleased."

The creature then raised its lion's paw and somehow snapped its digits.

A flash of light, then death.

Discord winced at the wall of Fluttershy's cottage, where a damp red stain had begun spreading from where your now lifeless matter rest.

"Whoopsie! Spliced another one!"

You had been sitting in front if your computer when you heard something rip behind you. Startled, you jumped up from your chair and turned to investigate.

It looked like someone had torn a hole in the very fabric of reality. Arcane energies rippled and flowed through the tear, creating a unearthly sound--

"HEAD'S UUUUUUPPPPPPPP!"

A flash of light preceeded the furry teal missile that shot through the tear. It happened all too quickly; all you felt was the impact of a solid keratin horn piercing through your chest and puncturing your heart. The momentum of this impact launched you across the room.

You were dead before you hit the ground.

When Lyra came to, still penetrating your chest, she managed to pry herself loose and after a quick moral debate, slowly backed through the portal with a whispered, "Sorry, dude."

Author's Note

1,001 Ways To Die Before You Even Get To Equestria

Groundhog's Day

Fluttershy's first trip to Earth-2 took place during an event the humans celebrated called "Groundhog's Day". She was thrilled by the prospect of an entire day devoted to such lovely little critters.

Her entry point was in New Jersey, a state in the human country of America. The town that she had been advised to visit by Consul General Ploomette's office was called Milltown, about 37 miles from New York City.

There, Fluttershy would seek an audience with the town's augury of weather, Milltown Mel.

"~Laa-la-la-la laa-la laaaaa...," the butter yellow pegasus sang to herself softly as the charter bus pulled into the local post office's parking lot. She picked up her saddle bags, slipped them on, and waited as the humans onboard disembarked. She made her way to the front and politely thanked the bus driver once more. He impolitely inquired if her rear was magic enough to save him a half hour of decontamination.

They both discovered that the Stare worked quite well on humans, and bus driver Stewart was ever so polite.

He directed Fluttershy to town hall, where the ceremonies would be taking place the following day. As one of Equestria's foremost experts on critters, Fluttershy had been sent to not only meet Milltown Mel - respected seer and no doubt a pillar of wisdom in the community - but also to observe human reverence to their rodent brethren. From all accounts, humans were omnivorous, and yet it was said that they placed enormous faith in these critters. Enough to worship them.

Certainly, groundhogs in Equestria were as intelligent and magical as the next critter, but Fluttershy could not recall ever meeting one who had the seer's gift. This Earth's lack of magic also made things unclear.

Fluttershy was certain that Milltown Mel would elucidate for her.

She was quickly escorted into the mayor's office, where she was greeted by Mayor Mehr... hmmm. That was odd. But she confirmed that the human was indeed Mayor Trina Mehr. Fluttershy made a mental note to mention it to Mayor Mare.

"Welcome to Milltown Ms. Shy," the mayor said kindly, extending a fist, which Fluttershy timidly met with her hoof. "I understand that you were hoping to meet with Mel." Something in the woman's eyes unsettled Fluttershy. She seemed... anxious?

"Y-yes, if that's all right with you, Mayor Mare... I mean Mayor Mehr."

"Of cou-" Mayor Mehr paused, brow furrowed, before she pressed on. "Yes, it's just that..." She knelt down to meet Fluttershy's eye - or tried to, the pony was all but cowering - and said, "It's just that the animals on our planet can't exactly communicate with us."

Fluttershy's entire demeanor shifted and she lit up. "Oh, that's no trouble for me, I assure you. I have a special gift that allows me to understand our little furry friends."

Mayor Mehr made eye contact with the chipmunk perched on the pegasus' head and nodded. "I can imagine." She stood and gestured for Fluttershy to follow her.

Mel was being fitted for his sacred robes. Fluttershy bowed immediately, but rose once it was clear that none of the other humans were prostrating themselves before the prophet.

"Your Divine Grace," Fluttershy said softly.

The rodent's head spun around, and he gazed at her with beseeching eyes as he began to jabber fretfully. He gesticulated wildly with tiny paws.

Fluttershy gasped and replied, "Oh my, how awful!" She listened as the little critter continued, nodding or shaking her head, much to the amazement of the humans assembled.

Finally, Fluttershy turned and began to explain to the Mayor of Milltown that Mel was not a prophet after all.

In fact, the word abduction was thrown around.

And that's how Fluttershy became a witness in Earth's first class action lawsuit filed by groundhogs.

Author's Note

So I got the idea of Fluttershy coming to Earth to meet a groundhog and learn about why we humans seem to listen to a rodent about weather.

I've been reading a lot of AlwaysDressesInStyle's work lately, including 16. In their universe, a portal between our worlds exist in the Everfree Forest aaaaaand... fucking New Jersey.

So I decided that Fluttershy should go to the nearest Groundhog from there. And who is that? Milltown Mel.

Then I found out that MEL DIED THE OTHER DAY.

I wrestled with it for a bit and decided to just go with it.

So... that's how this thing got shat out of my headass.

RIP Milltown Mel

Also, the Mayor of Milltown is indeed named Mehr. I don't know if the pronunciation is the same as Mare, but let's pretend it is, for fun's sake.

Must Have Been One Hell Of A Warp

It was a beautiful day in the Dragon Lands.

Which meant that the sun was barely visible through the acrid haze of smoke and volcanic gases. It was a sweltering, suffocating environment, which was exactly what Smolder needed.

Not that she didn’t like Equestria, but there was a saying Dragon Lord Ember had rudely shoved into her brain: you can take the dragon out of the Dragon Lands, but you can’t take the Dragon Lands out of the dragon.

Garble and his pack of semi-cognizant hangers-on were out lava surfing, leaving the vacationing Smolder to her own devices. And in this case, that meant gem scavenging. She had been silently grateful for the School of Friendship’s casually handling her specific dietary needs, but pony grown gems were sort of bland. Naturally formed gems, influenced by draconic magic, now those babies hit the spot.

She came across a small vein containing emerald and had a few nodes as a snack, and packed the rest away for dinner.

She found a lone purple gem about 10 kilometers from the caves. Smolder glanced around cautiously, but no other dragon was sniffing around this particular patch of volcanic ridge. She loved amethyst; it had a peppery flavor and went well with a sweet, crisp peridot. She licked her snout greedily and pounced.

She crouched above the purple gem and smirked.

“Heh. I guess it’s my lucky day.”

She reached out.

The moment her claws touched the gem, she jerked back with alarm and disgust.

“Ew! It’s alive?!” She crouched down to sniff the offensive hors d'oeuvre, but recoiled at the stomach-curdling magic oozing from it.

Before Smolder could step backwards, the gemstone began to glow with a blinding white light. She blocked out what she could, peering around her claws as carefully as she could.

Light, like limbs, sprouted from the stone. Two legs and two arms. Torso. Head.

Featureless and bright, this being of light slowly alit on the ground. The glow faded.

The purpled-coated biped stretched its limbs, mumbling under its breath. It stuck a finger into its nose and yawned.

"Man, that was a nutso battle. Wonder where Peri got that blaster-"

The being finally noticed Smolder and started.

"Whoa, are you a dragon!?" The being cried. "That is so cool!"

Smolder's stomach rumbled. She groaned and said, "You've got to be kidding me."

Author's Note

It's kind of disturbing to think of the possible ramifications of a FiM/Steven Universe crossover when one of the species in Equestria eats gems. So I decided that dragons would be able to sense the lifeforce of the Gem and would be repelled, because THAT FUCKER IS ALIVE?

This is also a sort of sequel to a Steven Universe one-shot I did called This Isn't A Heist. This chapter has been cross-posted to Ao3.Org.

Written In The Stars

Author's Note

I can't believe that this is my first MLP fanfic. I should be ashamed.
This is partially inspired by the last chapter of Leftovers
This is NOT a Friendship is Optimal fic.

Written In The Stars

Raine Lionheart Presents... My Little One-Shots

1: Written In The Stars

Princess Twilight Sparkle was torn, her feelings somewhere between irritation and amusement; mostly the former. A glance around the assembled ponies (and single dragon) told her that she was not alone.

Beside her, one half of the Equestrian diarchy held a gold-shod hoof to her face, muttering to herself in an ancient tongue that even the ever-studious Twilight Sparkle could not identify. Princess Celestia had lived a long life and had probably forgotten more dialects in her lifetime than Twilight had ever read about.

Rainbow Dash appeared to be unconscious, although Twilight was certain she was still wheezing with laughter. She couldn't resist rolling her eyes when the pegasus twitched as she gasped for breath.

Applejack looked to be somewhere between her two friends. She was certainly flushed in the face from the effort it took to keep her laughter inside. She caught Twilight's gaze and sheepishly lowered her hat over her face.

Pinkie Pie was… well, acting like Pinkie Pie. She was snorting and giggling and braying and guffawing and slapping her knees. Sometimes all at once, which made Twilight wince sympathetically for the pink professional pronker pony's paradoxical patella pummeling paroxysms.

Rarity was scandalized, and made sure everypony knew. Loudly. With great verve, frequency and vocabulary. Her pageantry was lost on all of the assembled.

Fluttershy's face was hidden, utterly mortified. She did not dare make eye contact with anypony or -dragon. Instead, she content herself with thinking hard about Buckball.

Spike was confused.

Amidst all of this stood the other half of Equestria's leadership. Princess Luna looked positively smug. She even had the gall to preen her feathers nonchalantly.

Twilight glanced between her two fellow Alicorns. Celestia glared as Luna primped and hummed to herself. The Royal sisters, for all their usual regal demeanor and poise, now reminded her of two barely civil, sniping mean-fillies like back in school.

Twilight closed her eyes and reaffirmed her private oath to crush Sunshine Glitterdrops and her posse.

Celestia took a calming breath and started. "Luna--"

"Yes, dearest sister?" Luna interrupted, her tone saccharine. She raised a brow at her sister. Her muzzle twitched with barely contained mirth.

With a poorly concealed twitch in her right eye, Celestia gestured to the night sky above them all. "When I suggested that you return to your former Starkeeping duties, I was hopeful that you would use this as an opportunity to express yourself--"

"We have," Luna interrupted again, barely keeping a smirk from her muzzle.

Celestia sighed.

Only assorted wheezes and various expressions of amusement could be heard for several long moments.

Finally Spike looked at Twilight and said, "I didn't know Princess Celestia hired a giant donkey!"