Babes, Bullets and a whole lot of Adam

by The Cowardly Christian

Rating: teen
Tags: Bioshock, Other, Adventure, Sex, Science Fiction, Twilight Sparkle, Daybreaker, Violence, Crossover, Death, Alternate Universe, Human, Main 6, Nightmare Moon, Gravity Falls, Drama, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 36156

Major 1920's AU! Booze! Drugs! Sex! Gangsters! Nazi's! Witches! OH MY! See your favorite cartoon characters struggle in the Great Depression and the rise of WW2! Massive crossover!

Major 1920's AU! Booze! Drugs! Sex! Gangsters! Nazi's! Witches! OH MY! See your favorite cartoon characters struggle in the Great Depression and the rise of WW2! Massive crossover!(My Little Pony, Gravity Falls, Loud House, Steven Universe, Star vs the Forces of Evil, Owl House, Amphibia, Lion Guard, Harry Potter, One Piece, Oddworld, Shark Tale, Invader Zim, Jackie Chan, Bioshock, DuckTales, Ed, Edd 'n' Eddy, Code Lyoko, My Life as a Teenage Robot, Adventure Time, Wander Over Yonder, The little Mermaid, The Amazing World of Gumball, Futurama, Star Wars, Fran Bow, Legend of Korra, American Dragon, Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, Legends of Chima, Solar Opposites, Saints Row, Xiaolin Showdown, Ninjago, Marvel, Fosters Home for Imaginary Friends, Dilbert and many more!)

Published 2021-10-08 05:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2021-10-08 05:20:01 UTC

chapter 1

Babes, Bullets and a whole lot of Adam

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

...III...

ANNOUNCEMENT!

I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED!

SUMMARY:
On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?!

The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble.

...III...

The Headlines roared...

TRAGEDY AT DEBATE!

ANDREW RYAN TARGET OF ASSASSINATION!

ALL OTHER PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES KILLED DURING BOMBING!

ANDREW RYAN RUSHED TO HOSPITAL, CLINGING TO LIFE!

Hop Pop looked at the morning Headlines worried...it was tragic what happened to so many people...but the bit about Mr. Ryan was REALLY concerning. He and the rest of the frog-people living in Little Amphibia had a lot ridding on this election...they NEEDED Ryan as president.

Ever since their homeland of Amphibia had been devastated in the crossfire of the Great war...his people had been forced to immigrate to greener pastures to find a better life...

Sadly, it became quite clear VERY quickly that unless you were HUMAN, GEM or a PONY there was suddenly no room for you at said pastures.

His grandson Sprig lost his dad during the war(1)...and their mother later died giving birth to Polly...annoyingly there was no reason for her to have died, it had been an easily avoided death...provided she'd had the proper medical attention...which they'd been REFUSED. Hospital security had kicked him out when he came to ask for help...

It had been a dark time for all Amphibians...then Andrew Ryan showed up...

The philosophical entrepreneur didn't care who or what you were; if you had the drive, the skill and two hands for lifting, he'd hire you!

Hop Pop had gone to see about a job at one of Ryan's farms. Naturally he'd barely been there for a minute before the foreman more or less kicked him out...or at least... he'd been about to...

Then Ryan showed up for a surprise inspection...

Faced with the option of having to tell the kids they'd have to dig through dumpster again for dinner, Hop pop ran up to Ryan and pleaded for a job...

The foreman was about to beat him, when to everyone's shock Ryan scolded the FOREMAN...

He then gave Hop Pop a chance to prove himself...Hop Pop not only did a better job then half the other workers- dang fellah's wouldn't know a beet from a radish! -his experience with being forced to ration his farm back in the old country enabled him to point out many different issues and money saving ways to make the work more efficient...

The Foreman grew more purple with each 'correction' made by the 'filthy frogman' of his 'perfect' system and eventually got pissed enough to try to flat out kill him...only for Ryan to have his splicers protect Hop pop and kill the foreman!

Ryan took the badge off the foreman's body, rubbed the blood off on his coat and then awarded it to Hop Pop, congratulating him for both his new job AND his promotion to Foreman...his first job was mulching the body of his predecessor into fertilizer...

Since then things had gone great for his family, they could afford a decent house and a decent meal! And they owed it all to Andrew Ryan! If he became President, Hop Pop was confident that things would get better for the non-humans.

But he'd been worried about the elections, although he had quite a devout following, had helped get thousands of people new jobs during the Depression and had the backing of many rich and powerful men...he'd been behind in the polls, that FDR was just too dang good!

For all the good it did him...he...Hoover...so many others...all dead...and Ryan looked like he weren't far behind! What will happen to his family now?

Hop Pop sighed and turned to his grandkids who were just as anxious as him. "I ain't going to lie kids...it doesn't look good. That dag-blasted assassin clearly had it in for Mr. Ryan! Everyone else just died from the bomb, HE got shoot with a POISONED bullet BEFORE the bomb laid waste to the debate! They rushed him to the hospital...but it don't look good...he might not make it..."

"Look, I don't want to sound like a jerk...but is that necessarily a bad thing?"

Hop Pop sighs as he turns to his adopted human granddaughter Anne. The Great war had left many children orphaned. Anne had been one of three girls he'd adopted...the other two...were no longer with them...

He loved her dearly, but she could be a bit... 'contrary' at times...

"Anne I know you have issues with him, but the man is dying! That is a horrible thing to say!"

"Your right, I'm sorry. It's just- Anne sighs as she thinks on how best to phrase this. "Look, it was great he gave you a job, it's great we have a house that's not made of cardboard, it's great we get to eat things NOT from the dumpster-

"Amen to that!" Shouts Sprig.

"Yes, and I know we owe all that to Ryan...Buuut...doesn't his methods sound a bit...y'know? Harsh? I mean he's planning on doing away with all welfare, government aide, government bailouts and even the soup kitchens! I mean, that could hurt a lot of people! And what was all that about 'threatening to burn down his own forest if FDR takes it from him'? That's messed up!"

Hop Pop scoffs, "Anne that was just him 'Chewing the scenery', make himself sound tough and intimidating in an over-the-top-dramatic way. Take it from a former Thespian, people don't burn down perfectly good forests just to spite people...that's just crazy talk." He stated flatly.

"And as for the other stuff..." Hop Pop sighed, "Look, I'd be lying if I said that stuff didn't make me a scotch uncomfortable...but the thing is Anne...we don't really have the luxury to be picky here. You know the situation of Amphibiaites in America. Yeah were doing good now and I've managed to use my position to get several of our neighbors hired...but there's only so much I can do! Even with all those new factories the Japanese and the Nazi's have built here, many Amphibiates are still exploited and forced to work under the local crime families to survive! Ryan is the first person in power who is actually willing to treat us like people! We need to grab this opportunity!" He takes another look at the paper forlornly... "Assuming that opportunity isn't lost forever of course..." He admitted, wilting slightly in sorrow...

Anne sighed in defeat, "Yeah, I guess your right..." For better for worse, Ryan seemed like the only person willing to do right by her community...

"Huh, speaking of them...it says here that some of the assailants were dressed as- Sprig trails off as leans in to take a close look at the article, then his eyes get wide in disbelief - Whoa! No way!...did THEY have a hand in this?" Asked Sprig confused.

"Considering Ryan is one of their most important business partners, that would be awfully stupid of them!" Snorts Polly. "I'm more worried about how the crime families will react to this mess." Said Hop Pop in thoughtful concern as she looked out the window...

...

The leaders of the Ringvereine- I.E. the German branch of the Magog cartel -were sitting at their table glaring at the newspaper. Naturally, they were all Glunkons. Their legs long shrived up from disuse, using their hands for everything, wearing fancy business suites and chain smoking cigarettes while eating Gabbiar.

"Right, let's get this out of the way... Did any of you morons cause this?" Asked the current head Molluck.

He was the only surviving head of the original Ringvereine leadership. He saw that the rise of the Nazi party was inevitable- although he doubted their claims of the Mudokons causing Germany's lose during the Great war, he appreciated their successful promotion of Glunkon supremacy- and that there's no way they'd tolerate the family's continued stake in Germany's interests...

So he'd brokered a deal with them...they allow them their independence and keep their wealth and influence...in exchange they move operations to America and help spread Nazi interests there.

Of course Molluck negotiated this deal without the knowledge and consent of the rest of the Ringvereine leadership...which was on purpose as he also gave the info the Gestapo needed to find and kill them all. Giving them a huge PR victory with the German people and international community for taking down such big names in crime and giving Molluck sole control of the Ringvereine.

Among other things he'd been instrumental brokering the deal between Ryan industries and Nazi Germany that outsourced dozens of Nazi-controlled factories and refineries to America...giving them good PR helping thousands of Americans get new jobs and so much 'goodies' shipped home to the Fatherland, not to mention the large amount of money both Ryan and Molluck made...it had been win/win all around...

Of course that might all come crashing down now...

Naturally all his cronies loudly declared their innocence. Molluck believed them- morons they were, even they weren't stupid enough to derail the gravy train they had with Ryan -but he let them sweat it out anyway, never hurts to given them a scare every now and then, keep them on their toes and all that.

But mostly, he was just killing time until his top enforcer came with the report from their contacts in DC. He re-read the newspaper in case there was something he missed...

"Right...Ryan hit by bomb, bullet, poison...blah, blah, blah...unknown bomb type sucks life force of everyone in room...Yada, Yada, yada...Hoover and FDR confirmed dead- who gives a crap? -tragedy for the nation -Whoop-de-freaking-do, come on give me some actually info yah stupid rag!" He growled to himself.

Speak of the devil, here came Jasper. His former Gem Commander/current top enforcer.

Like most immigrant Gems, she'd escaped the cluster fuck the middle east had become after the collapse of the Gem Empire.

The Gem Empire, once the jewel- pun not intended -of the Arabian deserts. The empire that had lasted for over a millennia had finally met it's match during the Great war.

One upstart Rose Quartz had lead a resistance movement to bring down the Authoritarian Diamond authority.

Naturally, the Entente had helped finance this uprising as the Germans had somehow convinced the Gem empire to ally with them during the war.

Eventually they were able to assassinate the youngest of the Diamonds- Pink -Roses apparent hope was that her death would make the diamonds see the current war as too costly and agree to sit down and negotiate for a peaceful ceasefire and compromise.

In Roses defense, he doubted ANYONE foresaw the Diamonds losing their collective shit and blowing themselves and half their country to rubble in a fit of rage just to kill her.

To this day, no one knows how they did that. For the most part the gems had been a proud and arrogant people who lived in huts in the desert and relied on their races magic, superior strength and near-immortality to assert their dominance. They had largely seen technology as 'beneath them'. So how they created a weapon of such destructive capabilities is one of the great mysteries of the war.

In any case, with half their people and their leaders dead...the Empire quickly collapsed. Rose Quartz was offered the position of ruler, but she refused. She declared her wishes for them to 'find their own paths' so she and her closest resistance fighters left the country entirely...

Needless to say, the suddenly leaderless and mangled totalitarian state didn't take this well. The lower 'castes' gems had no experience with leadership or administration whatsoever and any attempts they had to form a government were ineffectual, poorly managed and was quick to fall apart.

And those who did last...ended up being just as bad as their former oppressors. Turns out a people of a now broken kingdom who had been slaves, deliberately left uneducated and cruelly oppressed their whole lives would fall back on the only lifestyle they'd ever known and rebuild their country exactly as it was before. Who knew?

The higher castes more or less fell to in-fighting and were too busy declaring war on each other to actually manage their holdings effectively...which of course just left them open to be overthrown by coups.

The few former remaining freedom fighters didn't help things by turning to anarchy or banditry, or making it their life's goal to destabilize or overthrow any Gem government that formed- regardless if it was bad or not.

Those various rebel groups either just left the new government to collapse with no leader or took it over for themselves...only to realize to late that they were better killing governments then actually running them...usually at the hands of a NEW rebel group that has come to overthrow THEM...and so the cycle repeats...

The middle east was currently divided into hundreds of warring factions that constantly fought with each other.

The only good news that all attempts by foreign powers to divide the tribes into artificial borders that benefited them had ended in complete failure.

Technologically Backward many of the tribes maybe, but their superior fighting skills, strength, guerrilla tactics and nigh-immortality made any occupation a long, bloody, costly affair that eventually prompted the other powers to leave them to their own devices.

Needles to say, this lead to much immigration. Their superior skills left them in huge demand...such like Jasper. Molluck had been blown away when during her 'job interview' she ripped out a Sligs spine and used it to beat a hundred other Sligs to death.

The only thing better then her combat prowess was how cheap she was. Money didn't interest her, All she wanted was revenge against Rose Quartz for the death of her Diamond and her nation.

Despite her best efforts the trail went cold after the war...so now she'd work for him in exchange for helping her find Roses hiding place and snuffing her out for good.

A bargain which Molluck was only happy to agree to! Not only did he get a top quality commander with minimum cost, but he potentially got a front row seat to one hell of a blood feud!

"What news from our contact in DC?" Asked Molluck, that scamp Sasha was a Glunkon in all but name! She'd never let him down and if she knew what was good for her...that would keep being a fact...

Jasper looked through some documents. "Their trying to minimize the panic by focusing everyone on Hoover, FDR and Ryan's situation...but that bomb-whatever it was -did a lot damage. Most of the big-whigs of both main political parties were at that debate...and their all dead. As were all the Justices of the Supreme court...and that's not including what was happening elsewhere...

Jasper flips over to the next page: "Vice President: Charles Curtis, Speaker of the House of Representatives: Nicholas Longworth, President pro tempore of the Senate: George H. Moses, Secretary of State: Henry L. Stimson, Secretary of the Treasury: Andrew W. Mellon, Attorney General: William D. Mitchell, Secretary of the Interior: Ray Lyman Wilbur, Secretary of Agriculture: Arthur M. Hyde, Secretary of Commerce: Roy D. Chapin...all of them assassinated around the same time as the debate was going down. the only person on the presidential chain of succession to not be hit was Secretary of labor: William N. Doak!"

"Sweet mercy! So much for the Secret Service." Mocked Molluck with a laugh.

"In fairness the majority of them were at the Debate protecting both Hoover, the big players of both dominate parties and the other two presidential candidates. Everyone else..." Jasper gave a dismissive shrug, "Officially they all got a small security detail. But they mostly consisted of rookies, guys who got in the service only because there 'uncle was a senator',or they were transferred there as punishment for their incompetence. NO ONE Considered anyone below the president as high-priority targets..." She grinned wickedly, "Well, except for their assassins naturally."

"Naturally." Said Molluck with a chuckle, he then looks through the reports himself...and his eyes bulge out. "What the hell is this!?"

He looks at the two pictures: two people gunned down; One dressed in a Schutzstaffel 'uniform' the other dressed as a Hollywood would-be-Ninja!

"Apparently, these two were the only two of the assailants that didn't escape." Said Jasper with equal derision.

There was only one reaction Molluck could have to this sight...he laughs!

...

And he wasn't the only one laughing, on the other side of town Tarakudo- Oni Oyabun of the North America Yakuza -was also laughing over copies of the same photos.

"You magnificent, mad bastard." He said respectfully to apparently no one in particular.

He turns to his various minions, "Right, obviously we nor the Nazi's had anything to do with this...and I'm fairly confident everyone with half a brain will agree to this...but best not to take chances. Get our lawyers, PR people, publicists, diplomats, blackmailers, bribers, mudslingers, muckrackers, garbologists and character assassins! I want us above reproach and whoever these two belong to to be seen as the next coming of Satan! Look into their backgrounds! If my hunch is correct...you won't have to look far to find the 'skeletons in closet'."

The Yakuza hastily did as he asked and fled the room...all save for his bodyguards; Wendy and Yumi.

Wendy was a 10ft red-headed Oni with green eyes, she favored an axe as her weapon of choice. Yumi was 8ft tall, blackhaired and favored the tessen(or war fan) as her weapon of choice.

They'd both proven themselves be some of his toughest warriors. So he'd awarded them a rare and VERY expensive gene tonic that made them both bullet proof.

"I don't understand...was this an attempt to frame Japan and Germany for Ryan's murder?" This seemed ridiculous to Yumi. After all, Nazi/Imperial-Japan/US relations had been nothing but positive since the two former had outsourced factories to the US, Providing thousands of much needed jobs and considering that Ryan was the one who brokered that lucrative deal between the three nations in the first place...no, it was simply ridiculous.

Tarakudo chuckled, "Well, that'll be how it's INTENDED to look...but I have feeling that the mastermind has something far more practical in mind..."

"Wait, then what was the point of all this then, if not that?" Asked Wendy confused.

"A gambit...made by one of the few people I consider an equal." Said Tarakudo thoughtfully with begrudged respect.

The girls waited for him to go on...but instead-

"Hey, why don't you girls take the rest of the day off? Regardless of how true my hunches are, tomorrow is going to be very busy."

The girls- although wary -agree to this. They weren't very worried about him getting assassinated. In addition to also being bullet-proof, he was also hands down the most powerful and cunning of Oni that ever lived.

After they'd gone, Tarakudo surveyed his 'map' of New York. If his hunch was right, the next couple of weeks would be VERY interesting...so it probably bey best he reviewed the current gang territories again...

Yakuza: controls the east side of new York and primarily consists of Oni, including his top Oni generals, each one in charge of their own tribe of Shadowkahn warriors(2). They focused on industrial/corporate crimes. Thanks to their deals and 'understanding' with the imperial Japanese government, they were neck and neck with the Germans being the most powerful gang in America.

The Ringvereine: German Mafia that was initself simply the north American branch of the much larger Magog Cartel. They had control of the west side. It was ruled by Glunkons naturally. But the majority of it actually consisted of Sligs, Vykers, Wolvarks, vamps and various other outlaws and mercenaries. While they tended to focuses on Corporate/industrial crimes as well- although their Soulstorm speakeasies were always more popular then his Shōchū speakeasies much to his annoyance - they also focused on smuggling immigrants into the country and exploiting them as cheap labor...and organ harvest...They Were well known to be ESPECIALLY cruel and exploitative toward the Mudonkon, Gabbit and Grub populations of the city. In any case; Thanks to Nazi Germaine's 'unofficial' sponsorship. They were currently their only real rival in North America...well, at least as far as 'official' gangs went...

The Triads: The Chinese controlled the south side. It was currently controlled by the fire triad run by the dragon sorcerer Shendue(3). That territory used to belong to the Zodiac gang before Shendue crushed them. His gang was originally mostly dragons. Things were tense with them currently, What with the Second Sino-Japense war raging back in the homeland. Tarakudo hadn't originally been too worried about them. Unlike them or Germany they didn't have the 'unofficial' backing of their government- in fact the current Republic of China had made the foolish move of fighting both the Triads AND Japan at once! In any case, all the other triads were too busy with their own problems to help them. But then Shendue had somehow stolen the secrets of creating Rairakku's Ninja Kahn- a couple months working in the acid mines with his legs broken was quick to 'educate' his general on his displeasure toward that bit of incompetence -worse he somehow convinced the Chinese 'bender's' guardian deity(i.e. 'The Avatar')(4) to join forces with them. Thus allowing him to rally many benders under his banner. Tarakudo doubted that Shendue actually gave a rats ass about the homeland... But it was obvious that hothead Korra did and gaining her favor DOUBLED his army, so he was clearly just rolling with it. There was currently no real fighting between them, but if things continued to escalate between their nations, he doubted this ceasefire would last much longer... They mostly dealt in racketeering, extortion, smuggling, prostitution, anything that required muscle really...

The Irkin Mafia: He included those idiot Irkins to this list only because of the strategic importance of their gangs location. They used to control the North side, but they had their ass handed to them by the Third Street Saints. The fact the Irkins had them outnumbered a hundred to one and had real guns while the Saints only had water guns due to a shipping error...and STILL lost has left them a laughingstock. Currently they ONLY controlled the central territories. And the only reason they hadn't been kicked out from THERE was because they made an adequate 'buffer zone' between the four main gangs. Honestly, if Tallest Mussolini and the Irkin army fought half as badly as their nations mafia...then it would seem that Japan and the Nazi's would be doing all the REAL Heavy lifting if things came to blows in the continent...

The Third Street Saints: Founded by Julius Little, this gangs mandate was to prevent gang violence and make New York safer. Needless to say; this altruistic streak rubbed Ryan the wrong way...and anything that rubbed him the wrong way tended to rub his Splicers the wrong way...For this and other reasons, Julius was forced to halt expansion after taking over the North side. Currently, they seemed content to stay in their own territory...occasional harassment by splicers notwithstanding. But with the way things were heating up...He wouldn't put it past them to pull a fast one...

Splicers: 'Officially' they weren't a gang. Just Ryan Industries private security force(and if you believe that BS, I got a bridge to sell you in Zimbabwe). Originally they'd been the Pinkerton Detective Agency, but Ryan- admiring their firm stance against Socialist parasites and refusal to allow things like 'morality' to get in the way of what needed to be done to save this country -bought them out and folded them into his own private security force...then got them armed with the latest weaponry and hooked on plasmids. They didn't really have a territory, but that was mostly because none of the other gangs would DARE tell Ryan where he could or couldn't go. Tarakudo wasn't ashamed to admit it; but between Ryan's resources, plasmids making the average splicer footsoldier a threat to even HIM, having the latest weapons that were so powerful that even his bulletproof tonic couldn't protect him, most so addicted on plasmids they're virtually unbribable and indeed actually willing to die just to get their next fix, and being backed by the police and military...the Yakuza would be wiped out if they ever went against him! All the major gangs would have to unite just to get a stalemate! And that didn't even take into account the backlash! Ryan had such influence and the Splicers were so popular being seen as America's 'shield against communism'- although if even half of those 'communist uprisings' they put down were real he'd eat his shoe -that they'd all get lynched in the streets!

Now for some of the more minor players...

The Great White Sharks: This was a relatively minor gang of sentient predator fish that mainly ran smuggling rings in the ocean. It was lead by a rather large Great White Shark named Don Lino. Tarakudo had tried to deal with them and see if he could break Ryan's monopoly on all things Adam. But had been surprised to learn that the species of slug that Adam derived from...seemed to just not exist! No one knew the ocean floor better then them...but no matter where they looked... be it to From the arctic north or to the bottom of The Mariana Trench...they had never found ANYTHING that even resembled those slugs! Wherever Ryan was getting these slugs...it wasn't in any KNOWN ocean...

The Robot mafia: Tarakudo didn't have anything against communists. Really, the Czar brought that fiasco on himself. Generations of forcing a captured blue fairy to turn inanimate objects into serfs...it shouldn't have been that surprising when there golems- Or 'automatons' as the retro-futuristic's wags were now dubbing them -took advantage of the chaos of the Great war to stage a revolution...but regardless of what he though, the 'Red Tide' was the current 'bogeyman' of the western powers. For all it's faults at least fascism was compatible with a capitalist economy, more importantly tycoons and politicians alike could still get a profit from them without the possibility of their workers 'getting ideas above their stations'. Secretly, he felt that the western powers were GLAD Robo-Stalin went nuts, hijacked the revolution and became a monster of the worst kind...you just couldn't buy that kinda demonization of a philosophy that hurts your bottom line... But he digressed, the point was that it was just easier to go along and even profit from the hysteria. In any case the automatons presented a s bit of conundrum...if they were ordinary humans, they would be deported just like any other illegal immigrants...but the ability to bring motion to the motionless...and to make that former motionless thing your servant...was too much of a commodity to pass up. Sadly, all automatons just turned to useless slag when you ripped them apart...So The other western powers eventually decided it was too much of a risk for too little gain and just kicked them back to Moscow... J. Egar Hoover on the other hand...he thought; 'No, I'll pluck this chicken ANOTHER way'. He got some random Automaton morons off the street...and secretly turned them into 'gangsters'. In exchange for immunity from the law, money and other luxuries...the 'Don-bot' and his thugs tricked Automatons to give up their life-saving and all their worldly possessions to smuggle them out of the Automaton Soviet Union and into America...only to immediately sell them to the FBI so Hoover can administer his 'Citizenship test'... But once again, he was getting off topic. Bottom line: The robot Mafia was a mafia in name alone. More of an anti-communist government lapdog then anything. So although technically being the second weakest crime organization- the Irkins being the weakest of course -everyone left them alone, lest the gain Hoovers wrath. In any case, they didn't bother them...and they were even willing to split up the bounty if Automatons were delivered to them by another faction...so really, they were just another stream of income more or less...

While Tarakudo continued to plan out his strategies for the coming weeks and months...his bodyguards retired to bed...and their 'bedwarmers'...

"Your rooms are ready my dears!" Shouts Rosie- an automaton 'maid' -in an overly-cheerful way.

Both Wendy and Yumi looked at the poor girls cheerful yet blank stare uncomfortable. They politely thanked her and gave her a generous tip...and let her take the rest of the night off.

While Yumi 'enjoys' a young German boy named Ulrich- he once challenged Yumi to prove himself stronger...it ended with him brutally beaten up and snatched up as Yumi's 'bedwarmer'(not that he's complaining mind you) -Wendy went to her room and greets her friend/bedwarmer Dipper Pines...

Dipper had used a ritual to summon her one night- which was supposed to be impossible, Tarakudo paid top dollar on mystic defenses -but to her surprise...instead of forcing her to do anything like make love to him or turn against the Yakuza...he just wanted to get to know her and her culture...it had been a long interesting night...the boy had interested her so much...she stripped naked and tricked a flustered Dipper to use the ritual to make a deal with her so that in exchange for making love to him...he becomes her servant...

A happy and naked Dipper puts down the book he was reading and smiles at an approaching Wendy...but then frowns.

"Look Wendy...don't get me wrong, I'm happy to be with you...but couldn't I at least call my family? They're probably worried sick and will eventually hunt me down anyway..."

Wendy sighed, "Sorry Dipper, but Tarakudo blew a gasket when his million dollar defenses got subverted and his personal bodyguard got snatched...it was all I could do to convince him it was a fluke and that I killed the idiots responsible...if he learned that you were the one behind it...No, Dipper I'm sorry. But if you REALLY love your family you'll cut them out of your life before they come to Tarakudo's notice. And no offense Dipper, but Tarakudo has already upgraded and tripled down on security since your 'stunt'. Your family sounds cool. But when Tarakudo wants something hidden and inaccessible, it STAYS that way."

To her surprise, Dipper just SMILES, "No offense Wendy...but you don't know my family..."

...

Alchor Pines hated he was here instead of helping his grunkle find his quadruplet brother Dipper...but he knew that like most people these days, they needed the money badly...

So here he was at the tender age of 12 trying to get a menial job at a heartless corporation called 'Path-E-Tech Management'...whatever the hell that was supposed to mean...

Although being the youngest there, he had an advantage over them all...he doubted any of them had a gruncle half the taskmaster Stan was. He was a mean son of a bitch, but underneath it all beat a heart of gold...but don't tell him that, he'd probably rip it out of his chest just to make a quick buck.

But Alchor realized that all his advantages weren't worth spit when SHE entered the room.

Alchor never knew there was such a thing as POSITIVE discrimination...but there was a reason PONIES had their picture next to that word in the dictionary.

Widely regraded as having won the lottery in regards to magical ability- among other things -ponies had lived for thousands of years in the isolated utopian kingdom of Equestria.

The lucky bastards essentially lived in a place that made Eden look like a crack-den. For centuries they just ran around naked, eating sweets that grew off trees and cuddled each other. All protected by their watchful, immortal, god-like twin princess who could move the freaking sun and moon!

So naturally it all went to shit during the Great War- but then again, what didn't? I won't bore with the details, but long story short: The Shlorpians are idiots. More importantly their idiots that got most of Equestria burnt to the ground, sent many years into the future and drove the two sisters mad with grief and having half their bodies burnt away...they were both currently locked in a bloody civil war. Forcing most of the ponies to flee the country.

But while they may have tried to leave trouble behind, they were awfully good at bringing it with them.

You could tell right away she was a class act. Regale coat, horn with more juice then an orchard, and a plot that might as well have been made of Extra Large Jello with a side of SHAKE.

Naturally- aside from Alchor -everyone in the room groaned at the sight of the purple unicorn. Some just flat out left!

And who could blame them? Unicorns were the physically WEAKEST of the three pony tribes and they were STILL stronger and faster then the average human. You add in their magic...and suddenly your resume ain't worth the shit you pissed while writing it.

"Great, another bedwarmer for the boss!"

"Well, I guess me and my kids are just going to have to go hungry for another day..."

"Go back to your own country!"

The words of the angry unemployed seemed to cut through the purple unicorn like a hot knife through butter.

Tears began to flow down her face as she pleads reassurances that they all had equal chances to get picked.

Then HE came into the room...

I knew the guy was going to be a nuisance the moment I saw him. He had black hair so pointy that it defied both good taste AND gravity. He had the look of a man who'd have to stop and ask directions while falling off a skyscraper.

"Right, let's get this over with I-

His gape of amazement at the Pony was like a kid who just found the last cupcake. And speaking of Greedy bastards, I knew what was about to happen before he opens his gob.

"Okay, we got a pony! The rest of you losers beat it, the position is now filled!" The rest of the poor SOB's in the room groaned like a grizzly but walk out in resigned defeat like troopers.

But I wasn't really looking at them, I was looking at the unicorn. But more importantly I was frantically thinking of a way to leave here NOT empty handed. Meanwhile; she had the look of someone who finally got her turn at the carousel, only to find it was a roller coaster instead and was now conflicted about continuing...

"Uh...don't you at least want to read my resume?" Asked the pony. Clearly as desperate to find a non-race related reason for her self-worth as my Gruncle was to find a date.

"Nope! Pony! All I care about. Boy oh, boy! The guys at the Sleep Easy club are going to green with envy! Oh, and Sandra your fired."

It was kinda sickening how a man can stay giddy with anticipation while a dame looked like her puppy just got shot.

"What!? But sir, I've been your secretary for years!"

"Don't care. Pony." Said the grown man with logic that didn't belong outside a daycare.

My mind was running a mile a minute, clearly the position of grease monkey would be open again...but did I REALLY want such a demeaning job, at low pay under such a dimwit?...it really was a statement of the times, that I actually had to seriously consider this...

The pony looked horrified as the secretary broke down in tears. "Wait, hold on I-

"You'll get double the pay, plus health benefits." Said the oblivious pointy-haired boss ticking off his fingers, his sobbing former secretary already as forgotten as yesterdays trash apparently.

"Uh, that's great. But I'm afraid I have to decli-

"Oh, and the health benefits will extend to anyone you designate as family of course."

It was like a switch had been flipped. One moment she'd been seconds from declining a high-paying job I could only dream about...the next...it was like her mouth was both glued shut...yet also full of bees waiting to burst out...

But my mouth had neither issue. Like a shark I smelt the blood in the water...

"Dose that mean the position of her Brood stallion is now open?"

My Grunkle Stan would be so proud of me...the gamble I just made was so high, it would punch an angel and keep rising.

Sure enough the unicorn looked at me in mortified disbelief. "WHAT?! I don't-

"Oh, thanks for reminding me!" Shouts the pointy haired boss. He then cups his mouth. "OI! BROOD STALLION POSITION NOW AVAILABLE! WHICH ONE OF YOU LUCKY LOVERS HAS WHAT IT TAKES TO GET THIS PONY HOT AND SWEATY!?"

The unicorn went from purple to bright red. She was too humiliated to even form any words of protest.

Meanwhile, the other potential employees went from hating her guts...to loving her form. I was nearly stampeded by the flood of 'applicants'.

Did I feel guilty exploiting an idiots gullibility in regards to ethnic-stereotypes I knew for a fact where false? Of course not. Guy was clearly a jerk AND a moron. I ain't going to lose a wink of sleep exploiting an opportunity to put more food on my family's table at HIS expense...

Feeling guilty for humiliating a cute pony at the expense of her culture on the other hand?...well...if everything went according to plan, I'd be making it up to her soon enough...

Turns out the unicorns name was Twilight Sparkle. But don't let the girly name fool you, she soon proved she was tough as nails...

"So...what are your qualifications?" Said a mortified Twilight who hadn't been able to pull herself together in time to stop this clusterfuck from beginning it's roll down this crap tube.

"Well...you'll be happy to hear I have a PHD."

"Oh, really?"

"Yep, a Pretty Huge D-

ZAP!

NEXT!

Screamed a mortified and enraged Twilight after zapping the schmuck out the window...after that guys seemed to just go for a hail Mary and just pull their pants down in front of her and expose themselves to her-

ZAP!

NEXT!

So I just waited patiently in line for the inevitable...

ZAP!

NEXT!

ZAP!

NEXT!

ZAP!

NEXT!

ZAP!

NEXT!

When it was my turn I marched in there like a man to the gallows...resigned yet dignified. Was I crazy for cooking up this scheme? Maybe. But you know what they say; go big or go ho-

"Could you not do that?"

Alchor was pulled from his inner-monologue, "huh?"

Twilight sighed, "I can't read minds, but I can tell when someone's doing a bad detective noir impression in their head. On top of everything else, please don't do that. I'm not in the mood."

Alchor blushed and quickly apologized...then realized something. "Wait, how would you be able to tell a person is thinking in detective noir form?"

Now it was Twilight's turn to blush...

The guy was onto me like honey on baked ham. I needed to stop my own inner noir monologue and think of a good cover!

Twilight coughed nervously, "Uh...y'know...lucky guess?" She lies nervously, unaware she'd jostled her book bag, briefly revealing a VERY familiar book edge to Alchor.

Alchor smirked knowingly, "Is that 'Detective Daring Do and the note that wouldn't'?" He points out rhetorically.

Twilight lit up, "Oh, you read it too!? I'm so drawn in by it! At first I just bought them to support a fellow pony who'd been forced to flee her homeland. But I came to love the detective noir genre! We really didn't have anything 'dark' or 'gritty' back in Equestria so- She blanched mid-sentence; "HEY! Don't change the subject! Don't think I don't recognize you! Your the one that put me through this hell in the first place! I hate to break it to you buster, but-

"The concept of brood stallions, mares and herds/harems are all Americanized fabricated stereotype invention brought on by misinformation/profiling in regards to your nudist status and other carefree horse-like attitudes/mannerisms? Yeah, I already knew." Admitted Alchor with a shrug.

Twilight blinked, "Oh...alright..." She looked lost for a moment, but then her train of thought got back on tack. "Wait, if you knew...why'd you do all this then?" She asked confused.

Alchor shrugged, "Simple, best I could hope for otherwise was being a grease monkey working for peanuts. But this moron is so eager keep his new 'trophy' happy he'll probably give me the key to his yacht if I become your brood-stallion- Don't worry, I won't make you do anything without your consent." Said Alchor quickly as Twilight starts to look like she's about to yell again. "Just think of me as an over-glorified and overpaid assistant."

Twilight again looked thrown, she wasn't used to losing control of a conversation... "You...you shouldn't exploit a person's gullibility...that's not nice..." Recited Twilight from one of the many friendship lesson she'd learned in her youth...but her heart wasn't into it...and they both knew it.

Twilight again shakes off her confusion and tries once more to reassert control over the conversation, "We'll, look it's nice to see a considerate guy for once and I'm sure you have your own money woes...but I just got flashed multiple times because of you! So you'll have to forgive me if I'm not feeling too generous toward you right now...also I dislike lying in general, so give me one reason I should go along with this farce!"

"Well, for one thing I think I can help you with whatever's wrong with your family."

Twilight's eyes go VERY wide, "How did you-

"You were about to stop that idiot from firing that lady...but then he mentioned health benefits to your family and you stopped in your tracks- not that I judge you, mind you. I got a family too and I can honestly say I'd have done the same if the situation was reversed." Reassured Alchor quickly.

Twilight drooped her head in shame, "Well, that's nice of you to say...but unless you know anything about dragon physiology then there's really nothing you can do."

Alchor smirked, "Don't be so sure..."

Twilight's eyes widen, "You have knowledge on dragon physiology?!" She gasped amazed.

"No, but my Grunkle Ford dose. I can take you to him right now...of course, if we just leave you'll probably lose your job to the next shiny thing that comes through that door...and just leaving with some random stranger might see me arrested for 'abducting a pony' or some crap like that...unless of course that 'stranger' was also your new brood-stallion?" He said mischievously.

Twilight sighs, but nods...

Later, Twilight found herself walking toward one of the many Hooverville shanty towns on the wrong side of the track.

Where a blushing Twilight is forced to endure the leers of dozens of people- of all genders and races no less!

"I don't get why your uncomfortable about this, you'd think you'd be used to this after being naked your whole life-

"WERE NOT NAKED! WE HAVE FUR! THERE'S A BIG, TECHNICAL, SEMANTICAL DIFFERENCE!" Snapped Twilight irritably.

Alchor laughs, "Yeah, you keep telling yourself that. Sexy pony." He teases.

Twilight desperately changes the subject: "How dose your family know about dragon physiology? Dragons are very secretive about their medicine and biology! And the Triads enforce that rule even here! I tried to approach a citizen in little dragon town and if not for a nice dragon kid named Jake Long, I'd have gotten lynched!" She exclaimed puzzled.

Alchor shrugged as he lead her to a run down building with the words 'M stery hack' on it, "My Gruncle used to do a lot of traveling in his youth...he went all over the world exploring and discovering the secrets of the world. As for whether or not that includes dragons- He opens the door to reveal a giant dragon skeleton being suspended in mid-air by wire -We'll you tell me." He says that last part smugly.

Twilight gaps at the skeleton that was at least 10 times bigger then any other dragon she'd ever seen-

"You did what!?"

"Hey, I had four aces!"

"Oh boy." Groaned Alchor. He'd recognize the telltale sounds of his Grunkles fighting, anywhere. "Sorry, but you'll have to bear with me for a bit. I'm usually the one who has to mediate between these two knuckleheads." He explains while rolling his eyes.

Twilight patiently nods in understanding but also follows him curious at what was going on...

"Alright, what's going on here?" Asked Alchor impatiently.

Both men turned around to the tallest- and therefore the only one that could be passed off as an adult for job interviews- of their late younger brothers grandkids and are about to answer...and then they see his guest...

"Sweet Googley moogley! A pony!? Who sent you!? Is this a raid?!" Exclaimed Ford suddenly in a panic, looking around frantically.

"Calm down Sixer! Your scaring our guest! Buddy, why didn't you tell us you were bringing a V.I.P. along?" Said Stan with a smile. "Hey! How you doing? Can I get you anything? 1$ water? 5$ food? 10$ Indian skull waxers? Pictures of former America presidents?" Said Grunkle Stan as he pulls out a 1 dollar bill. "Such a priceless gift would usually go for over a million! But for you sweetie...only 500$!"

Twilight blanched at this, "I- what? But...isn't that just an ordinary American 1$ dollar bill?" She asked confused.

Alchor interrupted this ensuing train wreck with a cough, "Actually Grunkle Stan...this is my new boss Twilight Sparkle."

His Grunkles eyes went wide. "You? A job? With a pony? Get out of town! How'd you score that sweet gig?" Asked Stan amazed while Ford looked equally impressed.

"That's actually why were here. In exchange for getting the job, Twilight needs medical help for her adopted dragon son-

"I'm not extorting him!" Interrupts Twilight defensively. "I'll still give him the job. I just- Look, my son Spike has been acting very off lately and I just don't-

"It's okay sweetie. I'm no stranger to putting your family above all else. You just tell me what's wrong and I'll do the best I can." Said Ford with a comforting smile.

After a quick discussion- while also scheduling an examination with Ford later on just to be sure -Ford concludes that Spike is simply going through 'Greed growth'. A completely natural part of a young dragon's growth cycle...although it can make them more greedy and possessive afterwords. He recommends keeping him away from anything valuable for the next couple weeks...and maybe give him some thought exercises to help him see his family as his 'hoard' to minimize any negative psychological issues.

Twilight thanked him, but she was VERY fascinated by his wellspring of Dragon knowledge- among other paranormal subject matters -She was a bit uncomfortable that a lot of his knowledge came from the bodies of Dragons- as well as other mythological creatures -he'd killed...but she was also amazed by the device he'd created to help his research along.

A RESEARCH camera...

Happy to share his work with an eager academic like Twilight, Ford began to explain: "The research camera also analyzes genetic information, parse biological structures-

"Geeze Sixer, you really love your five-dollar words." Interrupts Stan with a snort.

While Ford glares at the interruption, Twilight marvels at the device amazed. She was especially enamored with the feature that allowed a person- provided they had the right supplies and know-how -to use the research to 'upgrade' themselves in the middle of nowhere or even a battlefield...although this wasn't advised. As without the aide of a PROPER medical facility, a person can get infection or other nasty side-effects...and only crude upgrades could be performed on one's own. More advanced upgrades required PROPER facilities, equipment and computing power. But regardless, Twilight was amazed.

"This is incredible! This could revolutionize science across the board, I can't wait to see this become available to the public!"

And just like that...the cheery mood vanished.

Twilight looked around confused at this sudden change in atmosphere, "What?"

Ford sighed, "I...am currently unable to patent or sell any inventions..." He admits awkwardly.

"What? But...why?" Asked Twilight baffled.

"Because my brother 'Mr. Egghead' can't read people- or contracts -worth shit!" Snarks Stan flatly.

Ford sighs and tells Twilight how in his younger years he was inspired by Ryan's rhetoric of putting merit and skill above all else and being entitled to their own hard-work...so he joined Ryan industry and his intellect and unorthodox thinking was quick to bring him into Ryan's inner-circle.

Originally Ryan hired him to build a grand city beneath the sea...but Ford convinced him instead of running away from the world and making a kingdom for himself from scratch. Make the WORLD his kingdom... Ford would later regret giving Ryan this philosophy when many years later it would convince him to run for president...

"As they say: When life gives you lemons...toss them in their faces and threaten to burn the grocery to the ground unless you get what you want." Said Ford with a resigned smile.

"No one says that." Said Stan rolling his eyes.

In any case, Ford traveled the world providing him MANY supernatural wonders: like the shrinking/growth crystals, a (5)cloak of invisibility, a stone that could summon dead spirits, a mirror that can reverse the flow of any energy, claws that allow you to instantly teleport anywhere, an artifact shard that allows one to temporarily go the speed of light...

He also invented many grand inventions: a perpetual motion machine, a light bulb that never burns out and makes your skin healthy, a hypnotic tie and a weather machine.

Things were going good...until Ford wanted to use these discoveries for the greater good of mankind...but Ford was stunned to find himself rebuffed!

Evidently Ryan found such altruistic notions appalling! This broke down into an ugly argument that eventually saw Ford splitting from Ryan...but only after great cost.

Turns out when he signed up with Ryan...he'd inadvertently agreed that in the event he terminated his employment all his past/present/future inventions, patents and discoveries were the sole possession of Ryan industries...even after he'd quit...but in fairness...he'd get them all back if he simply returned to his employment.

That was the incredible bit; apparently fifty percent of all his royalties, all his usual paychecks...they were all being kept in escrow as incentive for him to return to Ryan's inner-circle.

Ford liked to think this meant Ryan respected and saw him as equal. But Stan- ever the cynic -simply saw it as Ryan being pragmatic and not wanting to burn his bridges with a 'golden goose' like Ford...

"Well, it's good to see you sticking to your principles! It's always good to see someone doing what's right over what's easy!" Said Twilight happily.

Ford sighed, "Yeah...I'm probably going to have to take up Ryan's offer soon." He admitted resigned. He knew that technically Ryan was in the hospital...but who was anyone kidding? That bastard was too stubborn to die...

"Wait, what?!" Exclaimed Twilight baffled at the sudden shift in the conversation.

"Yeah, what?" Said an equally surprised Stan. "Look Sixer, I know things have been tight since the depression killed 'luxury items' like my shack. But you don't need to do anything drastic-

"Stan, let's be honest. I'm basically mooching off you at this point and we DO need the money. I have to face facts; principles are great and all...but they don't fill your family's stomachs." Ford admits with a sigh, "More importantly, I'm sure I can barter with Ryan to use his resources and connections to find Dipper and Tyrone-

"Wait, what?! Hold on, Tyrone's missing now too!?" Exclaimed Alchor angrily.

Ford snorted, "Ask him." He nods toward Stan. Stan chuckles nervously as Alchor glares at him. "Hey, come on kid. You weren't there! I had four aces! I had it in the bag- he rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly -until he pulled out that straight flush." He grumbles that last bit.

"You BET Tyrone!?" Exclaimed Alchor pissed as he smashed a nearby bottle to use as a potential face-shredder.

"Whoa, hey! It was HIS idea! And we weren't just being frivolous! We were gambling for intel on Dipper's whereabouts!" Shouted Stan defensively. It had been a couple weeks ago, he'd tried to rescue Tyrone. But the House sent some goons to 'enforce' the bet. So Stan naturally burnt down their 'establishment'. He'd been laying low until the heat died down and only just now made it back to the Shack to tell Ford what happened.

Meanwhile...a deeply conflicted Twilight was TRYING to say something profound to Ford.

"But you- You shouldn't- It's important to- Your principles must- Money isn't- She babbled incoherently, becoming more and more frantic to say something- ANYTHING -to Ford.

Ford- being the well traveled learner of cryptid-cultures -was quick to theorize on what's happening. "Trying to give me a 'friendship lesson'?" He says in good humor.

Twilight looks forlorn, "I have 126 friendship lessons in my head that involve 'never giving up', 'money isn't everything' and 'never compromising your integrity'...but their all either too simplistic, shallow, essentially unhelpful toward your current situation, or would be hypocritical for me to say as I've personally broken them since leaving Equestria!"

She hung her head in shame... "I've forsaken my culture and my beliefs." A tear goes down her cheek. It was a sight that could melt the ice around the heart of even the most stoic individual.

All three Pines men were quick to try and comfort the little pony.

"Hey come on, 'forsake'? Sweetie, realizing all the little' lessons' you learned in the school yard ain't worth shit in the real world and that your parents sugarcoated everything until you puked cinnamon...that's not forsaking anything, that's growing up!" Explained Stan in a cynical yet sympathetic way.

"Yes, I know you feel guilty about your 'predecessor'. But come on, what were you supposed to do? NOT do everything in your power to make sure your son get proper medical treatment? Sure, it turned out to be no big deal. But you had no way of knowing that! Besides, many minor ailments can became worse or even fatal if not given the proper treatment. Far as I'm concerned your just being a good, loving mother." Reassured Ford firmly.

"But...but I let her get fired..." Twilight began...

Alchor stepped in before her waterworks could gain steam again, "Look Twilight, I won't bullshit you. I WISH I could say that woman was a bad person who had no family and that you needed it more...but I can't. In fact I could easily see the universe laying the opposite at your hooves just to screw with you. BUT, like my Grunkle Ford said...what were you supposed to do? NOT do everything you could to keep your son healthy? All I'm hearing is that your a dawm good mother that any child would be happy to have!"

Twilight blushed at that, but still...she was unsure...

"Well...okay, but shouldn't I-

"Shouldn't you be what? Supermare? Be able to do anything? Be anywhere? Do anything? Save everyone? Twilight, you put the weight of the world on your shoulders...your gonna get crushed. Don't worry about what you CAN'T save, focus on what you CAN save. Yourself, your kids, your family, your friends, your community if possible...let the world sort it's own shit. You find a way to save everyone? Great, I'll be the first to help you. But until then..." He raises up one of Grunkles flasks.

"Booze?" He asks with a helpful yet knowing smirk.

...which Twilight returns. "Thanks." She says happily as she eagerly glugs it down.

"Whoa, there! Take it easy there Missy!" Said Stan with a smile.

"I'll take it easy when life dose." said Twilight unapologetic as she keeps gulping it down, it had a been a LOOONG day...

"Ahmen!" Shouts all three Pines men as they join her drinking...

"Hey, by the way. Where's Mable?" Asks Alchor having finally noticed the absence of his sister.

Stan shrugs, "Eh, Edda said something about taking her to get together with some friends..." He says with disinterest as he keeps drinking...

...

YIP! YIP! YAH!

Shouts a naked Mable juggling torches as she dances with dozens of other naked girls in the middle of Central park.

A young naked witch named Star Butterfly shoot a dozen spells into the air, making explosions in the air as they all chanted.

And as the sign that ye are truly free,
Ye shall be naked in your rites, both men
And women also: this shall last until
The last of your oppressors shall be dead!

A young girl named Luz got increasingly tipsy thanks to the 'encouragement' of a little imp named King and two nude siblings: Edric and Emira Blight...

An equally nude Edda just rolled her eyes, "Explain to me why I have to be naked too?" she asks annoyed to a naked Marcy as she gave her ingredients.

Marcy shrugged, "You know Eclipsa's rules; you don't have to join the festivities. But you do have to at least be nude if you want to stay..."

Edda rolled her eyes, she was fairly neutral in the whole 'back to roots, old-school, naturalist, get naked whenever you feel like it' witch-thing. It wasn't her thing, but she wouldn't judge others for doing it.

Still, the only reason she was nude in public in the freezing cold, bramble-infested park was because Eclipsa always had the best exotic ingredients...at the best prices too!

...Well, that and her niece, King and her apprentice Luz always had fun here...

Still, she'd be lying if she didn't feel closer to these 'wild witches' then she did with those stuck-up snobbish 'civilized' witches.

Speaking of which...

"I swear your ladyship, we were just scouting the scene from behind the bushes! Gather intel and all that! Them naked witches could be packing some serious heat! We were just about to do a raid! Honest!" Pleaded a high-ranking splicer and his equally flustered goons(6).

Duchess Moon Butterfly rolled her eyes, knowing full well that the only heat here were in these perverts loins... "Whatever, just do your job!" Snapped her esteemed Associate: Coven Officer Lillith Clawthorne!

They saluted, "Yes, mam!" Their last order from Ryan before that disaster of a debate was to- among other things -cater to the needs of high-ranking dignitaries like these. And bullet wound or no; Until they saw his mangled corpse, they were going to assume that stubborn bastard was going to be alive and kicking next week! So his word was still law as far as they were concerned!

Lilith kicked things off with trying to zap Edda and capture her-

ZAP!

TWANG!

"Well, this parties over." Said Edda after blocking the attack, everyone else scattering as the Splicers came to disperse them. She quickly summoned her clothes back to her body. "King, grab Mable and Luz! were going!" She said as she charges up her staff to flee. "Don't worry about Luz! The Blight siblings said they had that handled!" Shouts Mable as she and King jumps on the staff. Edda gives a knowing smirk and flees before Lilith can take another shot.

"Alright parties over ladies, you don't have to go home but you can't stay here." Shouted the head Splicer as he and his men helped them be on their way.

Moon rolled her eyes as instead of cracking heads and destroying their stands- like they do in EVERY other riot/protest -they were politely 'shooing' the pretty, scantly-clad ladies away...even helping them pick up their clothes and pack up their stands in an almost apologetic fashion! One of them was even helping a girl named Janna fix the wheel of her cart! Double-standards strike again...

Not that Moon would complain, of course. After all, it wasn't like she WANTED anyone to be hurt or arrested. Just for their shenanigans to cease and for them to stop shaming respectful witches like herself. In any case, she had more important things to deal with...

"STAR BUTTERFLY! I KNOW YOUR HERE! YOUR IN BIG TROUBLE WHEN I FIND YOU!"

At that moment she heard a crash and turned around in time to see a familiar blur of blonde break through some bushes and streak out of the park. "YOU TWO! AFTER HER!" Snaps Moon.

The two splicers reluctantly obey. Moon doubted they'd succeed, Star was willy like that...but she couldn't afford to chase after her...she had a 'Queen of Darkness' to speak to.

"Well, here comes the killjoy brigade right on schedule." Teases Eclipsa playfully as Moon approaches annoyed.

"Put your clothes on NOW." States Moon annoyed.

"Oh, must I? But all these nice men were enjoying the show. Weren't you?" She poses suggestively to the head splicer as she gives a sly wink.

The head splicer smirked, but quickly averted his gaze under Moon murderous glare"I...uh...Plead the fifth." He evades quickly.

Eclipsa laughs, "I bet you do." But she dose summon her clothes back onto her.

"Alright, so what will the lecture be this time? 'Our pagan past is behind us?' 'The human body should be something to be ashamed of?' 'Why can't you be stuck-up, snooty aristocrats like the rest of us 'modern', 'enlightened' witches?(7)"

Moon sighed, "Eclipsa I don't have time for the usual arguments. I'm imploring you to stop this foolishness, it reflects poorly on our nation. I had enough of a an up-hill battle convincing the US to side with us in case things turn rotten in Europe BEFORE this mornings travesty at the debate. The last thing I need is for you to make things more difficult for me!"

"ME make things difficult for YOU? Last I checked I'm not the one letting small countries be gobbled up to appease some megalomaniac. How is old Stumble-SNORE these days?" She asked mockingly.

Moon glared, "Prime Minister DUMBELDORE is doing everything in his power to promote peace and stability. In any case, all those 'small countries' were historically German anyway so really-

"Oh, don't spit on my cupcakes and call them frosting dear!" Said Eclipsa with a scoff. "Dumbeldore might be senile enough to believe that claptrap, but we both know you don't buy that BS for one second. It's practically an open secret your basically trying to bribe the Jerry's into attacking the Soviets for you."

Moon says nothing, her face betrayed even less. "I have no idea what your talking about." She said neutrally. "And I'll say that in court under oath if I have to."

"Wow! That's some poker face you have there, we should hit some card games you and me!" Says Eclipsa impressed. She then shrugs and heads off. "Well as much as I would 'love' to keep hearing about your continued dabbling in the dark arts of politics...if the parties over I should really head home to my family..." Without another world, she shadow-travels away.

Moon just shakes her head...so focused on thinking of Eclipsa and her daughter she doesn't notice Lilith's Apprentice Amity once again dragging a naked and drunk Luz home without anyone noticing...silently cursing her siblings for getting her into this situation while also desperately ignoring her inner voice to ravish Luz in her vulnerable state...

Meanwhile, not to far away: One Marco Diaz was grumbling as he was carrying a bunch of bags. "Why do people want their groceries delivered at night all of a sudden? If you ask me-

CRASH!

"SORRYI'LLMAKEITUPTOYOUTHANKYOU!" Shouts Star Butterfly having swiped Marco's clothes while still running.

A now naked Marco, just stared up from where'd he'd been bowled over baffled. "What in the-

Suddenly he finds himself grabbed, hands handcuffed behind back and made to stand up. "Well, well. Looks like we've caught our streaker."

"What?" Said Marco uncomprehending and flustered.

"Sorry kid, nothing personal. Running naked with beautiful naked ladies is every man's dream and I don't begrudge you for indulging. But we need to arrest at least one person or we look bad and we most certainly ain't going to arrest the ladies."

"WHAT?" Said Marco again, as if the question would make the situation clearer.

"Although frankly it looks like you almost qualify for a 'lady' yourself." Mocks the other guy, causing both splicers to laugh.

Marco went VERY red as his situation FINALLY hit him. "WHAT!?" He screamed as he was dragged off to jail...along with an equally naked lionboy who was just as humiliated and baffled on how he got here...

...many hours earlier...

"What do you mean you can't do anything?!"

Kion listened in through the door as his parents had a meeting with King T'Challa: The Panther King of Wakanda and long-time ally of the Prideland Royal Family.(8)

King T'Challa sighed, "I'm sorry Simba. But Scar was very smart about this; not only did he secure an alliance with the Nazi's- who have already publicly recognized his legitimacy and seem to be paying for local mercenary armies to help Scar keep the peace -but one of the first things he did when he stole the throne was render illegal the two traditions of your people that have always been controversial with both MY people and the world at large." He admitted honestly.(9)

Simba glared. "Don't give me that look Simba, we never confronted you about it... But that doesn't change the fact that it is a VERY ethically dubious tradition. By making it illegal, Scar has made sure to at least APPEAR to be on the side of reform. This has made many politicians VERY reluctant to call him out for deposing your father lest their political opponents paint them as SIDING with said traditions."

"Shirly SOMEONE would be willing to side with us!?" Snapped Simba's wife, Nala.

T'Challa shakes his head, "Between that and the Nazi's blessing, It's looking less and less likely..."

"Okay, forget the world! What about you! You know Scar used my fathers siding with you and revealing BOTH Wakanda and the Pridelands to the world as justification for his coup! A justification that has won many Pridelanders to his side even with Outlanders pouring into the Pridelands on his orders!" Pointed out Simba angrily.

T'Challa pinches the bridge of his nose in aggravation over the situation, "Yes, I know Simba. Ironically, that's one of the main reasons why I'm being blocked from helping you."

Simba blinked in bafflement, "What?"

"As you know, it wasn't just the Pridelands that had detractors against my goals. But also my own people, even some of my top officials! They're deliberately using Scar's 'justifications' and his removing of the aforementioned traditions as an excuse to side with him or at least block any attempts for me to help you. All just to spite me. And you know I can't declare war without an unanimous vote of the council."

Simba was beside himself with rage, but he somehow managed to keep from yelling at him. He knew full well that angering his possibly only remaining major ally would accomplish nothing...

T'Challa silently thanked him for that and continued, "If that weren't bad enough...the Nazi's have flat out stated they'd attack if we attacked Scar. And Dumbeldore is spearheading the Britain's to put pressure on us to not do anything rash until he 'negotiates a amicable solution that benefits ALL parties'." He says that last part derisively. Dumbedlore's 'maintain peace at all cost' strategy was starting to grate on many people's nerves...the man maybe a great wizard and THINKER...but was very poor at actually DOING anything. The old wizard lord wouldn't know the concept of 'proactive' or 'taking initiative' if it bite him on his thumb-twiddling bum!

"With the Pridelands strategic positioning allowing any ally of theirs to control the Straight of Gilbraltor- and therefore one of the British Isles major supply lines -I rather think they might actually attack my people with the Germans if it meant staying on both the Nazi's and Scars good side." Finished T'Challa angrily, yes he agreed that the Nazi's and Soviets being convinced to destroy each other would be an ideal scenario. But he felt that the British- among so many others -were putting all their eggs in a VERY unstable basket...one that could easily see the world go up in smoke!

"Isn't there ANYTHING we can do?" Asked Nala desperately. "I mean, we might've lost most of our assets when the Pridelands fell. But we still have the large cache of wealth Mufasa stashed in this city in case of emergencies. There's billions of gold and jewels there! Shirly we can use that to do...I don't know...SOMETHING!?"

"Ordinarily that would be a godsend during an election year...but after yesterdays calamity..." The Panther King trailed off with a sigh. "Our only hope is that after the dust settles, SOMEONE will be made President that is willing to at least hear you out...with America on your side, MAYBE others would be willing side with you as well. " Admitted T'Challa reluctantly, knowing full well it was a long-shot

This luke-warm 'plan' naturally did NOTHING to appease Simba and his mate...

And Kion was even LESS happy about it, 'just cross their claws and hope for the best? nuts to that! I'm taking action!' He thinks to himself as he sprints from the door and the sound of the adults arguing...

Kion- like most males of the Pridelands -wore nothing but a loincloth. This single garment flapped about as he got down on all fours and charged toward...toward...

And a sheepish Kion was forced to stop in his tracks-

CRASH!

-at the expense of a priceless vase...as he realized he had NO idea what to actually DO here...

Embarrassed, he looked around to make sure no one had seen his moment of shame then threw the pieces of the vase out the nearest window and hoped no one would notice...he then went to look for his friends to see if they had any ideas...

As he looked through the Prideland Embassy, he eventually found his friends...

It saddened him to see his usually ecstatic friends just sitting around very subdued...but after being forced to leave their homes after his Great Uncle Scar took over...Kion supposed he couldn't really blame them...

His oldest friend Bunga had been hit the hardest, since coming here he'd just been sitting in the corner buck naked. Although not illegal to be nude in the Pridelands, it was frowned on and the majority would wear at least loincloths. But it had always amused Bunga to run around nude and freak people out by exposing his tiny loins to them...before promptly getting kicked in said little loins...sadly, it looked like his prankster days were behind him... Not only had he lost his Uncle's Timon and Pumba...but he also had his throat slashed during the escape...he lived...but he'd be mute for life...

His friend Beste also just quietly sat in one of the chairs that were designed to support more...'husky' people...although the biggest and strongest of them...he was also the most caring...he'd been watching over a group of children when the coup happened...Beste had fought well and saved most of them from the ensuing firefight...but not all of them...a little elephant boy named Mtoto hadn't been so lucky...Beste blamed himself for what happened no matter how much they tried to convince him otherwise. Due to his 'girth' Beste was forced to wear more durable shorts...

Being bird people, Anga and Ono used their wings to embrace each other in sleep, tired form the hectic week they'd had together... The bigger and older Anga had her arms and wings enclosed more protectively over the younger bird person. They both wore loincloths...Kion briefly wondered If Anga was wearing her breastcloth beneath her wings...then flustered and quickly shook his head of that thought, he had more important things to think of right now!

Fuli looked the less distraught of the group- which really wasn't saying much -but she did look just as worn out...not surprising seeing how she'd put her speed to good work saving refugees during the coup...In any case, she was just relaxing, sprawled out on a couch Her cheetah fur bikini- she made her clothes from the fur she shed, she preferred being self-sufficient -hugged her curves nicely...Kion never realized it before...but in a certain light she almost looked nake-

Kion slapped himself across the face. This was NOT the time for puberty to kick in! He had a kingdom to save!

Thankfully, these thoughts were further disrupted by Fuli noticing him. "Oh, hey Kion. Did you learn what your parents are up to?"

Kion sighs as he reluctantly admits to what he'd overheard...needless to say...this news didn't lift the groups spirits...

"But that's alright! They might not be able to do anything! But we can!" Exclaimed Kion confidently.

"Uh...like what?" Asked Anga skeptically.

Kion rubbed the back of his head awkwardly. "Uh...I was actually hoping you guys had some ideas..." He admitted a touch embarrassed...

Everyone- except Bunga(who was just out of it) and Ono(who was quietly sleeping in Anga's warm embrace) -just groaned at this. "Kion...you know I'm usually all about running forward and 'seizing the day'...but that's just not going to cut it this time. Scar has an army, we have a small group of battered refuges. He's been given international recognition, we'll be lucky if they don't soon kick us out of the Embassy soon and give it to Scar's people-

"So what? We just give up?!" Demanded Kion in disbelief, of everyone here he'd never expect to hear that kind of talk from Fuli!"

Beste groaned as he struggled to lift his aching body up, "Sorry buddy. Y'know I'm usually with you...but what can we do that your parents aren't already doing? It stinks, but I really think we just need to wait on the King and Queen and hope they can think of a plan."

Before Kion could angrily retort to that-

"Do you even know where the Pridelands are, let alone how you can 'save' it?" Interrupted Anga annoyed, having grown more and more irritable everytime Kion's loud voice stirred the still sleeping Ono.

Kion looked to retort...then he thought about it...then he blushed and then he tried to save face. "Well...no, but come on! This is literally the first time I've stepped foot out of my country! I never needed to look at a globe before." He admits awkwardly, his face going an even brighter crimson.

"Well when you figure that out, maybe you'll have a half-way decent plan. But until then, if your just going to be loud then LEAVE. It took all week to convince Ono to FINALLY get some sleep and your not helping!" Hissed Anga annoyed gesturing to her sleeping friend still nestled cozily in her wings..."

Kion looked like he was going to protest, but Anga's glare shriveled up his courage- and his manhood -so he just left...

Feeling bad for his friend, Beste tried to give out a semi-helpful suggestion: "Hey, why not see Rafiki? He might have something..."

Kion smiles at that, "Thanks Beste- He withers under an angry 'SHUSH!' courtesy of Anga and quickly runs off to see his father's royal Mjuzi...

Fuli was tempted to go and make sure Kion didn't get himself into trouble...but there was no way she was missing when Ono finally woke up and everyone sees Anga's bare breasts since she forgot to put on her breastcloth before Ono fell asleep on her...

'Kion will be fine, he's tough.' Reasoned Fuli as she settled back to rest on the couch...

Kion quickly runs to Rafiki's room...then groans. Not only was Rafiki NOT here...Makini was here instead...

It wasn't that Kion didn't LIKE Makini or anything like that- she was a nice... 'well-meaning' Mandrill person -Kion just wondered...what exactly Rafiki was thinking when she took her on as an apprentice...that's all...

She was currently bent over looking for something in a cupboard She wore a bikini of beads and feathers...as always she forgot to make sure her large red rear was being covered properly-

Kion again slapped himself across the face, this was NOT the time to think of that! 'HEAD IN THE GAME KION!' He shouts to himself.

The slap drew Makini's attention and quickly turned around, "Oh, hey Kion! What can I do for you?" She asked eagerly, oblivious that her beads had snagged on the cupboard and she was now basically flashing Kion.

Kion's face went hot as he desperately looked away and tried VERY hard to will a certain part of his anatomy to 'stay put'...a battle he was losing and- While becoming VERY self-conscious he was only wearing a loincloth -knew he needed to get away quick!

"Wha, oh- Right! Makini, Have you seen Rafiki? I need to talk to him!" Said a flustered Kion as he slowly inched out of the room to make a quick escape, kept his eyes locked on her face and nothing lower...while also keeping everything below his waist out of eyesight.

"Oh, sorry Kion. You just missed him- she lifts up a piece of paper -I don't know where he went, but he was reading this before he left. Maybe it had something to do with what he's doing next? But hey! Maybe I can help-

"NOPE! THIS'LL BE FINE! THANKS!" Shouts a panicky Kion- the memory of how Makini's 'help'(11) nearly made him a eunuch was thankfully what was needed to make his loins FINALLY go flaccid -as he rips the majority of the paper out of Makini's hand and made a run for it.

"Wait, Kion!" But Kion had already bounded away... When he was certain he'd lost Makini, he read the paper he'd taken...and his eyes went wide-

Meanwhile, Zuri and Tiifu were forced to do something VERY much outside their comfort zone...THINK about their futures...

A week or so ago they're future was quite bright. They were the best friends of the future Queen of the Prideland and on the fast track to eventually being her royal advisors...

Now...not so much...

It's not that they weren't confident that King Simba would eventually turn their fortunes around or anything like that!...but still...during these calamitous times...shirly it wouldn't hurt to have some kind of contingency?

"Contingency? What's that?" Asked Zuri confused.

"I don't know, some kind of soup I think." Said Tiifu with a shrug. "Anyway, I can't think of anything. You?"

"No, this is so hard! I wish Kiara would stop thinking and come out to tell us what to think like usual!"

Indeed, the young Queen- or perhaps FORMER young Queen considering the situation they were in -had locked herself in her room ever since they'd been forced to flee her country. Considering the situation, no one could bring themselves to bother her-

CRASH!

-Except her brother apparently. The two girls watched amused as Kion scurried into the room on all fours, hit the rug wrong, skid on it, slammed into a nightstand and broke yet another antique.

While a panicky Kion was bent over and trying to fix it- or at the very least sweep it under the rug and hope no one would notice -he unintentionally gave the girls another 'show'.

At some point during the crash, the back of his loincloth got tangled up, giving the two 'ladies-in-waiting' a very nice view of his rear. 'So firm and tight, You could bounce a silver dollar off that.' they thought lustfully.

Loath as they were to admit it, Kiara's 'kid' brother had sprung up like a weed. Puberty had been kind to him; granting him a six-pack, muscles, luxurious mane...and if the 'bulge' he got in his loincloth everytime he'd been looking their direction- Needless to say, Kion attempt to hide his new 'feelings' toward the opposite sex had failed miserably -was any indication...he gave new meaning to the term 'full-mast'...

"You know...being the mate of the second in line for the throne would be a HUGE step up for us...ESPECIALLY if we gave him a kid." Whispers Zuri and Tiffu nods eagerly...though whether she really heard her while entranced by Kion's ass was up for debate...

Now there was a small part of their brains explaining how this made no sense, especially with the likelihood that the titles of the former royal family and any children they COULD posses could soon be largely meaningless...but this was ignored by the larger parts of their brain- such as they were -that were both bored AND horny...

Kion finally just throws the remains out the window only to FINALLY realize he has an audience. "Oh! Er, uh- I can explain-

"No need Kion, we won't tell anyone." Said Zuri sensually as she sauntered up to him as provocatively as possible.

"Yeah, this place is full of old junk. What's one less?" Said an eager Tiffu as she did likewise.

Kion flustered at the close proximity of the two scantily clad lionesses, but quickly regained his bearings. "Uh, thanks- But I really need to see my sister, I have something important to discuss with-

"She's locked in her room and won't let anyone in. But maybe we can help you?" Said Zuri as she walks over and embraces Kion...gives his biceps a squeeze.

"Yeah...we'd be willing to do ANYTHING you want, ANYTHING." Said Tiffu suggestively as she comes over to do likewise...AND caress his chest...

Kion gulped as he began to sweat up a storm, worse he could feel IT beginning to 'rise'.

"Heh, heh. Uh, no- You know what? I just remembered I need to leave before-

"Before we see your 'Not-so-little-friend' try to break free?" Said Tiffu as she boldly grabbed his growing 'bulge'.

Kion panics and tries to back away, but his back is quickly pressed against the window. His heart races as he has nowhere to go as the two horny girls approach him...

"Yeah, your not as stealthy as you think you are Kion and EVERY girl on the staff knows it." Teases Zuri as she happily advance on Kion with her friend.

"Yeah, so really? Why hide it? No one's around- before Kion can blink, Tiffu has her hand down his loincloth -so why not let this bad boy breathe, and-

NOPE!

CRASH!

A mortified and desperate Kion jumps through the window and lands in the tree and quickly jumps down to the garden below. He pulls out the map he got from Makini. "Forget it! I'll just find the Roar-Shaped Herb myself!"

Filled with determination and trying VERY hard to get his mind off what happened, he rapidly scurried on all fours out of the Embassy...

"Uh, wow! Rude, much?! WERE TOTALLY TELLING EVERYONE YOU BROKE THE WINDOW, JERK!" Shouts Zuri annoyed.

To her surprise, she hears Tiffu laugh. "Oh, I think he's going to have much BIGGER problems soon."

Zuri turns around confused...then begins to laugh at well. Clutched in Tiffu's grasp was Kion's LOINCLOTH! The little moron just ran naked into the crowded city of New York!

"Want to go tell the guards to lockdown the building, lie that Kion is still here and trick them into thinking anyone OUTSIDE that says otherwise is an imposter?" Teased Tiffu.

Zuri laughed, "I thought you'd never ask."

They walk away hand-in-hand laughing.

Yes, a woman scorned is a frightful thing indeed...

...an hour later...

To say Kion wasn't having the best of luck-

GET BACK HERE PERVERT!

-would be an understatement.

Things began badly as Kion quickly realized that not only did he have no idea HOW to read a map...but even if he did, it wouldn't matter as this was his first time actually in New York and thus had no idea how to navigate the freaking city!

Realizing that in his haste, he had not thought things through- AGAIN -he was forced to turn back to the embassy...only to then realize that within only 5 minutes of leaving the Embassy...he'd managed to get hopelessly lost...and had no clue how to get back...

'Ah, man! The guys and my sister are never going let me here the end of this.' he groaned to himself...alas poor Kion had no idea things were about to get so much worse for him...

Between how focused he was and all the crazy hustle and bustle of the city...Kion hadn't noticed the stares, yelling, wolf-whistles and cat-calls as he'd dashed through the mean streets...and then when he tried asking directions back to the Embassy and everyone desperately tried to ignore him or run from him like he had the plague, Kion simply thought they were being rude...

This obliviousness FINALLY shattered when he started to get hungry...

Kion walked over to a frankfurter cart run by a cute but bored looking Hyena girl named Jasiri.

Jasiri immediately perked up at the sight of the oblivious Prince, "Well hello there cutie! As much as I like to look at you, odds are good you don't have any money on you..."

Kion flustered at the compliment, but then once again felt VERY stupid as indeed he had brought no money...he'd NEVER needed to carry money before...he was Princes, all the stuff he'd ever needed was just...well...THERE.

He groaned and so did his stomach. "Look, I'm having a bad day. I don't have money, but I can get you plenty later. I don't usually play this card...but I'm a prince of the Pridelands."

This got Jasiri's interest, as she immediately realized she DID recognize Kion from the papers...but she made sure to keep her amused poker face up.

"Prince?" She takes a meaningful glance to his groin and smirks. "You look more like a KING to me- she then shrugs before Kion can respond. "But king or not, I can't feed my family on promises so-

"No, wait come on! Shirly we can come to some arrangement? I really could use a hot dog!"

Jasiri had to suppress a giggle, but she schooled her features. Fun was fun, but it was time to reel this prized catch in. "Well as tempting as the idea of any 'arrangement' with you is...I can't see why you need it. The hot dog you have already could feed an entire village!"

Kion looked at her confused "I'm afraid I don't understand what you mean...I have no hot dog."

Jasiri had to practically bite her tongue to keep from laughing, the poor smuck didn't even notice his 'situation'! Well...

"Yeah, your NOT so little friend there begs to differ." She teases as she eagerly points.

Kion follows her finger, "What are you- His eyes nearly popped out of his head as his face went as red as his mane! HE WAS NAKED!

"HEVI KABISA!" He exclaimed mortified as he tried to cover himself. Jasiri laughs as the poor cubs misfortune before continuing, "But in all seriousness, maybe I can-

"HEY! PERVERT! GET OVER HERE!" Kion panics at the sight of splicers running over to arrest him and quickly flees! If on top of everything else he got arrested nude...he'd NEVER hear the end of it!

"Wait, stop! I'm a Prince of the Pridelands!" Again, not usually the kind of guy who'd throw his title around. But as you can see he was desperate...also, it didn't really matter as it was naturally not believed.

"Right, course you are! And I'm the Queen of England! Why don't you come over here for tea time!" Shouted the local Splicer Lieutenant as he held up his nightstick while chasing him.

Jasiri just sighs, quickly takes note of where their running and heads over to her sister working a paperstand. "Madoa, I hate to ask this. But cover my shift if you can. If my hunch is right, the PLAN is back on..." She smiles evilly as she then runs after Kion as well...

Meanwhile, Kion had a brilliant idea. He'd duck into an alleyway, jump on the dumpster and claw at the wall until he reached the fire-escape then use that to reach the roof and leap from one roof to the next until he got away...

KRACK!

That plan lasted for five seconds before the dumpster he jumped on gave way and he fell into one month old fish heads and banana peels...Kion's luck would prove to be MORE rotten as the forces of Kion's failed jump had knocked the Dumpster loose-

CRASH!

-Hit the Splicer's chasing him before rolling down a hill...

Kion peels a rotted mackerel from his face just in time to see himself rushing toward a busy inter-section...

"Oh, come on!" He shouts exasperated as he finds himself in the middle of a fifty car pile-up...and everything going to black...

SPLASH!

Kion abruptly awoke, he looked around dazed and annoyed at being drenched. No longer in a traffic wreck...he seemed to be in a warehouse of sorts...

"Glad you finally awoke, sorry for the rude awakening." Kion looked over to see the cute Hyena girl from earlier as he began to remove her clothes. Revealing a more traditional prideland loincloth/breastcloth ensemble.

The sight naturally turned Kion on...

"Whoa there sailor! Watch where you point that ship at full mast! That bad boy will flatten everything in it's path!" Exclaimed Jasiri with a laugh.

A mortified Kion remembers his nudity and tries- and fails miserably -to hide his massive erection.

"I'm SO sorry." He pleads humiliated.

Jasiri again just laughs, "Don't worry. The sight alone is payment enough for all the trouble I went saving you." It is then revealed that she was the one to drag him out of the wreckage and hide him from the police as she brought him to her hangout.

Kion groaned, "I just don't know what happened...I was so sure I was wearing my loincloth when I left-

"Loincloth? Seriously?" Laughs Jasiri, "Hate to break it to you your 'majesty', but your a long way from home. They're very particular about clothing these humans, just wearing a loincloth will STILL see you run down..."

"Your kidding me." Groaned Kion.

"Nope, sorry."

Kion eyed the clothes she'd just took off, "Uh...I don't suppose you'd-

Jasiri held her work clothes tight, "Sorry Prince, but you maybe cute. But not cute enough for me to risk arrest through indecent exposure." She teases, "But all joking aside. What's the Prince of the Pridlands doing slumming with us commoners wearing nothing but a smile?" She half-teases.

An embarrassed Kion reveals the map- which was miraculously still stuck in his mane -he reveals that it leads to secret deposit of sacred roar-shaped herb right her in New York City(12).

Jasiri looks at the map with amusement... "So your going to use this to save your kingdom are you?" she asks with a smirk.

Kion smiles, "Yep, I'm gonna beat my uncle's sorry but and soon everything will be back to how it used to be!"

Jasiri rolls her eye's, "Oh, you mean back when almost all the Hyena's are kicked out and sent back to the outlands to fight over scraps to avoid starvation?" She snarks.

Kion was flatfooted, "I, wha...?" He babbled...

Jasiri decides to show him a little mercy...fun's fun... but his grandfather WAS just murdered after all...

"Look let's just get this out of the way: Your grandfather- aside from those two issues -was a great leader who ruled justly and your great uncle is clearly a scheming jerk who's exploiting a bad/complex political situation just to gain power for himself..."

Kion smiles at that...

"That being said...when the scheming jerk is the one who makes sure your people will 'never be hungry again'...well murderous jerk or not...how do you not favor him over the guy who kicked your people from their ancestral homes and forced them to fight over scraps?" Asked Jasiri seriously.

Kion was floored by this, "I, uh...well...you don't follow the circle of life..." He babbled awkwardly...he'd never had to justify this to anyone before...the 'circle of life' was THE belief that he'd been taught and grown up with...he'd never questioned it because believing it was just something he'd been expected to DO...

Jasiri groaned, "Look I'm not going to have a big religious debate with you- NO ONE wants that -if you want to worship nature and eat each other in your spare time...go nuts. But would it have really been so terrible to just let the people who DIDN'T believe that be allowed to stay in the Pridelands and NOT be banished to the outlands?"

"I...well..." Kion wanted to argue- he was the Prince of the Pridelands! Defending the national religion was supposed to be his job! -...but it was hard to argue with the very reasonable points she was giving...

Jasiri just shakes her head at the internal conflict clearly going through Kion's mind as he continued to babble a 'retort' like a nincompoop...so she again decided to show him mercy...

"Look, just forget it alright? It's a moot point anyway. My grandparents left the Outlands to America as kids to find a 'better life'- she says sarcastically pointing to outside where one of the many 'Hoovervill's' were clearly present and full of non-humans like herself -Aside from wearing the more comfortable Prideland garb in the privacy of my own home...I'm about as much a 'pridelander' as that squirrel in the tree over there. I can barely keep my family feed...why should I care about a war in a far off land that I've never seen? That might be your battlefield Kion...but keeping my little sisters and cousins happy, healthy and feed is MINE." She said seriously.

Despite being a bit annoyed with having his family's issues brushed off...Kion couldn't help but be deeply moved by the conviction and love she had for her family.

Then Kion got an idea, "Wait, maybe we can both help each other! You help me read the map to find the herb, I'll convince my dad to pay you enough to help your family!" Exclaimed Kion eagerly.

Jasiri smiled, "I think I can roll with that..."

...a couple hours later...

It took awhile for Jasiri to summon up enough of her friends, extended family, associates and 'well-wishers' to get enough trucks rolling...

"Why the trucks?" Asked Kion while trying to use his tail to his shame- apparently there had been time to gather her 'crew', but not enough time for anyone to find him clothes to wear...go figure...

"Well- to be blunt -your family's in deep shit aren't they? Your going to need as much of the herb as possible don't you think?"

"Oh...hadn't thought of that... Thanks Jasiri."

When they got to their destination...it was an odd looking building, it looked more like a giant tree carved into a building...in other words; typical Prideland design.

"This must be the place!" Said Kion excited.

"Where?" Asked one of the other Hyena. "Right there!" Said Kion as he pointed and excitedly bounded out of the truck to the building. Which allowed the rest of them to see it. As Prideland magic would only allow one of royal blood- or those who are let in on the secret by one of royal blood -to see it.

They all quickly followed Kion to the building.

Kion smiles as he sees the standard 'lock' on buildings important to the royal family. He pricks his finger and puts a drop of blood on the door...the roots and vines making up it's infrastructure glow and recede.

Kion happily runs into the room eager to get the herb and-

He stops suddenly...there was no herbs here...just TREASURE! Piles upon piles of gold and jewels!

"Wait...what? What is-

CRACK!

And Kion knew no more...

When Kion woke up, the room was bare save for a single gold bar and a set of clothes...and a note:

Sorry Kion! Nothing personal! But I got a family to feed!

Anyway, that map was a fake. My Uncle Og sells them to gullible tourists! So, sorry about that!

But for helping us be set for life, we give you this gold bar and this set of clothes for your trouble!

Now get that cute butt of yours out of there before you get arrested!

SISI NI SAWA KION!

Kion was deeply hurt by this betrayal, "She...she played me! I...how could she-

Then a thought occurred to him, "Wait a minute, if this WASN'T a secret grove for Roar-shaped Herbs...then what is this place?" Asked Kion confused as he looked around baffled. It was clearly Prideland made AND had Royal mystic security features...so if not that...what could it be? Aside from the embassy, he couldn't think of anything else in this city owned by his family in the city! He then looks down at the gold bar in his hands as he weighs it in his hands confused. "And why did it have all this treasure- Kion stopped mid-sentence as he saw the bar was emblazoned with the royal seal of the Prideland royal family! ...a certain memory came roaring back to the forefront of his mind-

"Isn't there ANYTHING we can do?" asked Nala desperately. "I mean, we might've lost most of our assets when the Pridelands fell. But we still have the large cache of wealth Mufasa stashed in this city in case of emergencies. There's billions of gold and jewels there! Shirly we can use that to do...I don't know...SOMETHING!?"

Kion looked very pale and devastated, "No...no,no,no,no,no,no,no! DID I JUST PUT MY FAMILY INTO THE POOR HOUSE?!" He screamed in disbelieving anguish.

"I'll take that as a confession."

Kion turned around...and he cursed. He'd been so busy feeling sorry for himself he'd forgotten to escape!

And here he was: buck naked, at a crime scene, caught red handed holding one of the stolen gold...surrounded by policemen and splicers...ALL having guns and Plasmids pointed at him...ALL being lead by a VERY familiar Splicer Lieutenant who was now sporting some very nasty cuts and bruises from where Kion's dumpster ran him over...

"Well, well, well. If it isn't the 'Prince of the Prideland'? Needed money for new clothes did you? 'Emperor's special' was it? Must be working like a charm since a dummy like me can't see one stitch on you!" He says with sadistic mockery.

Kion chuckled nervously as he tried to use the gold bar to cover his privates. "Uh...any chance you'd believe this is all a BIG misunderstanding?" He asked desperately.

The Lieutenant just gave him a VERY vicious smirk. "Take him downtown boys!" He shouts eagerly.

Kion's whole body slumped in resigned defeat, "Yeah, I didn't think so either..." He goes down to reach for the clothes Jasiri had left him-

"Not so fast your 'majesty'! That's material evidence!" Taunts the Splicer as he plucks the clothes and the gold out of Kion's grasp and puts them in an evidence bags.

"Wait, what?! What are you- Kion is stopped short, as his hands are suddenly pulled back behind him and cufffed, preventing him even using his hands to cover himself!

A mortified Kion goes redder then the sun as he's forced to go outside for a 'perp walk'. "Wait! No! Please! Come on! On top of everything else, don't take away my dignity!"

"You should'a thought of that BEFORE you started exposing your goods your reprobate! Now keep marching or me and my boys will work you over!" Shouts the Splicer unsympathetically.

So a humiliated Kion could do nothing as he was forced outside...

WHY'D YOU STEAL YOUR FAMILY'S GOLD?!

DID YOU HAVE A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN?!

ARE WE WITNESSING THE START OF A NEO-PAGAN PRIDLAND WITCH CULT?!

HAVE YOU DEFECTED TO YOUR UNCLE'S SIDE IN THE PRIDELAND CIVIL WAR?!

IS THIS SOME SORT OF NATIVE RITUAL TO ATTRACT POTENTIAL MATES?!

PRINCE KION, YOUR TESTICLE'S ARE HUGE! WHAT'S YOUR SECRET?! MONKEY PLACENTA?! GOAT URINE?!

...right where the large crowd of reporters and photographers were eagerly waiting. Kion couldn't couldn't help it...he was SOBBING now as he was forced forward at an agonizingly slow rate as the last of his dignity was shattered...

'Well...at least this can't get any worse...' Thinks Kion in tears.

Fate, ever annoyed at being tempted, chose that moment to have Kion's eye's catch a glance at a reporter that happened to be a unrelated Hyena girl. This sight leads to Kion thinking about Jasiri, which then made him think about her wearing nothing but a loincloth/breastcloth ensemble...

SPROING!

HEVI KABISA! ANCESTORS, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?!

Bellowed Kion in anguish as hundreds of reporters got a juicy shot of Kion's 'BIG BUDDY' going to it's 'maximum height'...

Several nearby elephant people grumbled an insistence that their trunks were WAY bigger while their mates just smirked knowingly...

...later, in the Pridelands...

Scar looked upon the royal jewels he now wore...gleffully rembering when he'd ripped them from his brothers corpse...sadly his reveling in victory was ruined by the sound of the annoying laughter of his three lieutiants: Shenzi, Banzai and Ed.

Scar growled, as he tunred to see them lollygagging and laughing over a newspaper!

"What are you lot doing?! I'm not paying you to lounge about!"

Shenzi smirked, "Relax boss! In fact I'll bet three month unpaid work that the contents of this newspaper will make you so happy you'll give us the day off!" She challenges happily.

Scar snorts dismissvely but walks up to take the newspaper, "HA! Day off nothing, I'll bet the diamond rings on my fingers that this will contain nothing but the usual..."

Scar trails off in disbelief at the sight of his great nephew on the front page...being dragged away shackled, naked and erect for the whole world to see!

Scar laughed as he happily tossed his diamond rings to the eagerly waiting Hyena woman, "Here! Take my ruby necklace too! - he shouts elated as he gives her that as well -enjoy your day off!" He finishes between fits of laughter.

The Hyenas happily scurry off to do just that. Scar quickly calls for his mate/second in command Zira and his heir Kovu to come bask in the further degredation of his hated brothers legacy!

If he was reading between the lines then his scheme to leak the potential locations of his brothers 'offshore vault' and security details to the various outlands castoffs in Manhatttan had actually born fruit!

If he was being honest, he hadn't expected much from that scheme. At MOST it had simply been a red herring to give his 'dear' nephew one more headache to cotend with as he wasted resources fighting a seemingly present-threat of a conspiracy to organize various criminal elements to rob him...but this exceeded all his expectations! Not only was Simba's Pride now flat broke but also the laughingstock of the world! Not to mention some seemingly anti-Mufasa, formerly Outland ethnic groups were now not only much better funded now...but also in his DEBT...

Oh, yes. When Zira came...she and him had much to celebrate...but Kovu was late! He'd seemingly locked himself in his room again.

This confused Scar, he'd been doing that a lot lately. Why was he-

His thoughts were interputed by a message that made him groan. Apparently the Nazi amabassador was demanding another meeting.

"Well, that's my day ruined." Grumbled Scar to himself, but knew he had to oblige. Between all the funding, weapons, manpower they'd thrown at him to help bring down his brother, giving him the political backing that essaintely guranteed both his legitmacy AND none of the other nations interfering...the Nazi's basicall owned his ass!

'...well...for the moment at least...' Thinks Scar with a knowing grin as he folds the paper and puts it away for later...

...present day...

"So...you run into the wrong girl too?" Asked a naked Kion of the his equally naked cellmate; one Marco Diaz.

Marco sighed, "It was more of her running into ME...but pretty much." He said resigned.

"Ah, I see..." Said Kion with somber yet sympathetic interest.

"So he really is a prince? Well blow me down!" Said the Lieutenant that had brought Kion in. He was in front of their cell and talking on the phone.

The Splicer- still sporting the black eye Kion had given him -then gets a twisted grin. "Still dosen't change a thing though." He said wickedly as he pulls out the evidence bag containing the last Gold bar Kion's family had to their name. "Here's the facts your 'Majesty': Your son is under arrest for indecent exposure, lewd behavior, being a public nuisance, disturbing the peace, resisting arrest, attempted abuse of the power behind his royal title, assulting an officer, property damage, causing a fifty car pile-up, breaking and entering, attempted grand larsony-

The man just smiles and twirls the gold around his hand as he listen to King Simba roar over the phone nonplussed.

"Diplomatic immunity? Why, your Majesty! Shirly your not trying to use your diplomatic staus to twist the law in your benefit?" He says in mock shock. Then he laughs, "Besides, let's be honest my 'lord'...your diplomatic status is in a bit of a limbo now, ain't it? Rumor has it you won't even be allowed your embassy much longer, never mind your 'privliges'."

He playfully tosses the gold bar up in the air a couple times as he once more happily laughs at kings increasingly impotent-sounding roars.

"Well, as I was saying earlier: there's also the mater of breaking and entering into soverign land and atempted grand larceny of priceless international heirlooms...that's borderline 'terroist activities', that is..."

The man laughs as he casually juggles the gold bar as Simba roared once more over the phone. "I'm sorry. You claim the soverign land that vault was on belongs to YOU? That all those pricless herilooms were YOUR families property? Hate to break it to you chief but all the paperwork shows that land, vault and all contained within as property of the 'Prideland royal family'. Now I'm no lawyer, but last I checked... 'techincally' that ain't you anymore. That's your uncle Scar." He lets out another laugh. "I tell you; I do not envy the prosecutor who will have to handle this clusterfuck...why, sorting this political mess could take months, years even! But don't worry, we'll let your boy cool his heels down in the 'V.I.P. suite' down in Sing Sing while this gets figured out..." He says in a sickly sweet manner as Kion gulps...

The splicer effortlessly balanced the gold bar on the tip of his finger as he listened to a now more somber and resigned Simba.

"'What do I want?' What an odd thing to ask. I'm a deputized civil servant who just wants to see justice done." He says with dramatic false sincerity, he then gives the gold bar a playful 'test bite' before turning back to the phone.

"That being said...on a COMPLETELY unrelated topic. That gold bar- the LAST of your family's wealth -has gone missing from evidence lock-up." He says cheekily while once again tossing said gold bar up and down, teasing an already downtrodden Kion who cursed his helplessnes.

"I do apologize for this gross negilegnce, is it safe to assume you'll be pressing charges unless I find it immediately?"

It was a strictly rhetorical question and EVERYONE could tell...

"No? Why thank you, your majesty! Yes, I quite agree. 'Mistakes happen all the time'." Said the man with a laugh as he tosses the gold bar into his bag. He then dramtically pulls out Kions arrest warrent and pretends to read it. "In fact...I think I see ANOTHER mistake." Ever the thespian, he loudly tsks. "Well that's annoying. It would seem those pencil-pushers screwed up your sons arrest warrent. Forgot to dot all the I's, cross the T's and all that rubish." He continues the charade by dramtically shrugging and ripping the warrent in two. "Well, I guess there's nothing for it! Looks like your boys free to go!" He listens to the phone a bit more, then nods. "Great, we'll have him ready for you to pick up when you arrive." He hangs up and unlocks the cell. "Right your free to go."

"You realize I just saw you take my family's gold, right?" Asked Kion, shocked by the sheer audacity of what he'd just witnessed.

"And DO you realize I don't give a crap?" Says the man mockingly. "Your a prince in name alone, BOY! No country, no money, no CLOTHES for crying out loud! It says something that the Hispanic boy has more clout then you! At least his mum has enough money to pay his bail, you don't even have that now!"

Kion hangs his head in shame, it was sort of sombering to realize that without his clothes, influence or wealth...he was no diffrent from a naked 'so-called-commoner'. He politelty thanks Diaz for keeping him company, wishes him the best, then takes a funeral march to his no doubt furious father...

Marco politely waits for Kion to leave...then turns to the man. "So...about my bail?"

"I just said that to mock the boy. Your mother is still trying to get money together...so needless to say, you should just make yourself at home...your gonna be here a while!" Taunts the man as he walks into the next room. "Drinks are on me boys!" He shouts triumphantly.

Marco groaned, "I hate my life..."

He was so busy being miserable...he never noticed someone else entering the room...

...a minute or so earlier...

DEATH TO THE BOURGEOISIE!

"Will you stop shouting that, your not helping us!" Shouted an exasperated XJ9(AKA Jenny) to her cellmate L3-37.

"I'm sorry Jenny, if it weren't for them goons holding me at gunpoint you'd have been able to escape!" Said her boyfriend Sheldon who was also in the cell under charges of 'harboring automatons'.

Jenny sighed, she and her family had been smuggled into the country to experince the 'American dream'...only to realize they'd been sold out by the robot mafia! Her whole family and many others of her fellow robot refugess were forcibly taken to the before the 'House Un-American Activities Committee (or HUAC for short)' to decide if they were 'loyal' to the communist regime of Robo-Stalin...

The 'trial' that happend next was a complete sham! They weren't allowed lawyers, weren't allowed witnesses, to find or present evidence, they weren't even allowed a translator! They were thrown various 'is that why you beat your wife' questions without ever really being allowed to say a word in their defense.

Natually, their 'guilty of being dirty communists' verdict was a foregone conclusion.

And thus they were given the two 'choices':

Take the citizen test to 'renounce communism and prove their loyalty to their new nation'.

Donate their bodies to the good of the nation.

The 'citizen test' was basically them being lobotomized and having their personalities 'rewritten' to be servants! She saw a nice robot girl named Rosie have her motherboard ripped out, her personality and memories deleted or alterd to being a maid!

And of course 'donate' was just a fancy way to say you were going to be ripped apart and be experimented on...

So naturally Jenny was like 'screw that! I'm gone!' She managed to escape...the rest of her family wasn't so lucky...

She meet a nice guy named Sheldon who took care of her, programed the english language into her...and eventually helped her try and protect other automatons...

And then L3-37 had the 'brilliant' idea of rallying almost all the automatons she'd rescued in a recent raid to storm the Robo-Mafai HQ.

'Shockingly' a make-shift mob of poorly trained and more poorly armed people was quickly crushed by the far more well-trained and well armed Automaton mobsters backed by policeman, FBI and Splicers.

The few survivors were quickly either rounded up and introgated, leading them to Sheldon's house...and things sorta downwardspiraled from there...

YOU CAN SILENCE US, BUT YOU CANNOT SILENCE THE AUTOMATON REVOLUTION!

"They may not be able to, but I certainly will if you don't shut up!" Snapped Jenny furious. She was seriously consdering snapping off her voice box when-

"Hello! Couldn't help but overhear? You wouldn't by any chance be the 'radical anarchist' type automatons, would you?" Asked a blonde girl in ill-fitting clothes suddenly appearing in front of their cell.

"YES!" "NO!" Shouts L3-37 and Jenny at once.

Star looks baffled at these contradictary screams, before shaking it off. "Fine, whatever. Look, it dosen't really matter. Do you want to escape?" She asked, looking around. Clearly in a hurry to do this without getting caught.

L3-37 eagerly agreed, while Sheldon and Jenny- while also agreeing -were more cautious.

"We...wouldn't say no to some help-

"Great! Here's the keys to all the cells and a bunch of bombs!" Interupted Star eagerly.

"BOMBS?!" Shouted Jenny and Sheldon in baffled horror.

"Yes, if you could make a BIG racket while your escaping it would REALLY help me out! Okay, bye!" Shouts Star as she runs off to free the boy she'd unintentionally caused to be imprisoned...

Jenny is baffled by what just happend, but tries to compose herself. They now had the means to escape, they just needed to calmly think this out-

AUTOMATONS UNITE!

Shouts L3-37 as she eagerly lights the bombs-

BOOM!

...one quick escape from a burning police station later...

"Woop!Woop!Beep!Beep!" "Oh, be quiet R2 and run!" Shouts C-3PO as he and various other automatons made a run from the burning building-

BOOM!

And the other burning building-

BOOM!

And the other burning building-

BOOM!

And another-

BOOM!

"WILL YOU STOP BLOWING CRAP UP?!"

Screamed an angry and exasperated Jenny to the bomb-happy L3-37.

BURN THEIR IVORY TOWERS! CHOKE THEM IN OUR BLOOD!

"Yeah! Ivory, freddom, blood and uh...yadda, yadda- Hey could you blow up the bank next? I think I saw some bourgeoisie jerks hidding around the money..." Asked an Automaton named Bender Rodriguez as he looted the various buildings she burnt down while he ran along with everyone...

"This will all end in tears, I just know it." Said a manic-depresant Automaton named Marvin as he also ran after them.

The Splicers were luckily too busy dealing with the flames spreading to the nearby blocks to chase them...AND rescuing Kion. For disgraced, impoverished Prince he maybe- having ANY foreign VIP die during such an unstable political climate while 'techincally' in their custody was just a PR disaster that NO ONE wanted...

Thankfully, Kion was fine...buried under chunks of ruble, naked and lightly singed...but still 'techinically' fine.

Kion let out a deep, resigned sigh underneath the pieces of celing that had fallen onto him... "Too bad that didn't kill me..." He grumbled somberly, clearly having run out of fracks to give...

Meanwhile, Star had managed to succesfully use the diversion to rescue the boy she'd accidentally got arrested by stealing his clothes. She was using a make-shift staff she'd cobbled together from garbage to float over the city as she gazed at the distant fires that USED to be several city blocks.

She winched at this, "Yikes...that fire spread a LOT faster then I thought it would- She rubbed the back of her head awkwardly -Okay, in hindsight arming potential anarchists and telling them to go nuts was probablly not the best idea..." She admits out loud nervously. She then smiles and begins to turn around, "But at least I saved you- She stops talking as instead of a nude teen, there was an ugly middle-aged man clinging to the back of her poorly-constructed staff.

Toby Determined chuckled nervously, "Right...so I wasn't going to say anything...but you grabbed me instead of the boy..." He admited awkwardly.

Star's eye twitched...

...

OW!

WHY!?

NO!

PLEASE!

OW!

Screamed a still naked Marco Diaz as he was repeatedly pummled by the splicers/policemen. Allthewhile demanding the names of his communist accomplises that burnt everything down...

"CAN THIS DAY JUST BE OVER WITH ALREADY?!"

...

Star face-palms and gives a little scream in frustration...but she powers through and looks even more determined!

"I'M COMING CUTE BOY WHO I ACCIDENTALLY SCREWED OVER!" She screamed as she blasted back to the police station.

Toby Determined screamed as well...but mostly because the sudden acceleration shook him and the part he was grasping loose, thus sending him falling to his death...

...

While all this was going on, L3-37 had FINALLY run out of bombs. Which meant Jenny could finally risk showing them her 'shortcut'.

"My good Jenny, why have you taken us down this alleyway? It's a dead end!" Exclaimed C-3PO fearful.

"I told you this would end in tears." Said Marvin flatly. "Did you?! Did you?!" Snarked a panicky C-3PO in sarcastic annoyance.

"Guys, cool it! I got it coverd." Said Jenny as she opened a secret panel revealing...a large tuft of pink hair nailed to the wall?!

"What's that? Something to smother captalist pig dogs with?" Asked L3-37 with intrest.

"What? No! It's- She's interupted by the sound of sirens coming closer... "GUH! We don't have for this! Everyone get in!" She shouts as she starts to climb INTO the hair!

Bender glared, "Bite my shiney metal- "GET IN!" Shouts Sheldon as he kicks him in. The Automatons are stunned as they find themselves enveloped in a weird light as they 'enter' the hair-

ZAP!

And find themselves in a carnival tent?! "Jenny! Sheldon! Oh, thank goodness! When Rhodonite saw your house being ransacked by the police we assumed the worst!" Said- to all the other automans shock -a PEARL.

"A GEM?! What's going on here?" Demanded Bender.

"I don't know, but whatever it is. I'm sure it's rubbish." Said Marvin flatly.

Jenny quickly explains that the 'Crystal Gems' were a traveling gem-run carnival who also served as a sanctuary for those in need; Like Automatons or Mudokons. The gems kept them safe here, then used their connections to send them to more Automaton friendly countries/groups.

"I see...an entire army of our brothers and sisters, ideally stashed all around the world in key locations. THE REVELOUTION IS IMMINENT!" Shouts an excited L3-37.

Steam comes out of Jenny's ears, she'd had it up to here with her crap!

"You listen to me you stupid little-

Then to her shock, GARNET of all people interupt's her!

"Jenny, why don't you help the others get situated at the circus until we can figure out where to send them? In the meantime the 'Ringmaster' wishes to speak to Miss L3-37." Said the Fortuneteller/Gem fusion.

"Wait, really?" Asked Jenny baffled, the 'ringmaster' of this circus was very careful about keeping her identity secret. Jenny only knew about by accident thanks to her crashing into her dressing room when her rockets malfunctioned!

"AHA! No doubt she wishes to discuss with me how best to cordinate our forces to bring down the bourgeoisie!" Said L3-37 eagerly.

Pearl rolls her eyes, "Sure...why not?"

Jenny tries to stop them from leaving, "Wait, hold on! Are you sure? She's-

"I know what she's done Jenny." Explains Garnet to her, "And so dose the Ringmaster. That's WHY she wants to see her. Trust us, we've dealt with people like her before."

'Everyday...in the mirror'. Thinks Pearl sadly as she leads the would-be-Automaton radical toward their leader.

While Pearl did that, Garnet lead the rest to the carnival grounds that were still being built up...

Snowflake Obsidian was setting up her snow cone booth while a fuzzy orange creature named Wander and his trusty steed/friend Sylvia introduced her to the Thunder Blazz flavor...

Little Larimar was fixing up the carnival games and stacking up the prizes...

Biggs Jasper was lifting up the Ferris wheel with one hand to sweep under it...

Lapis Lazuli was using her powers to create a fun water tunnel suspended in the air- minus the tunnel -for people to ride in...

Bismuth was at her anvil pounding away, building knick-knacks to sell at the gift shop...

Padparadscha was temporaryily filling in for Garnet as fortune teller-

"Your getting impatient with my nonsense!" She exclaims to an increasingly irritable Lemon Jade.

-And failing miserably at it...

The Rutile Twins, Rhodonite and Fluorite were setting up the 'Diversity extravaganza'(13)...

Several Mudokon clowns and a pony-clown named Trouble Shoes were practing fitting into a tiny vehicle all at once...

A Gabbit and some Grubs were manning a dunk-booth while a Fangustanian repeatedly dunked them to make sure the mechanism was up to snuff...

Peridot was experimenting with a new form of carnival game that involved flying jellyfish-

ZAP!

OW!

ZAP!

OW!

ZAP!

OW!

ZAP!

OW!

ZAP!

OW!

ZAP!

OBEY YOUR CREATOR YOU CLODS!

ZAP!

OW!

-It wasn't going well...

Finally, they reached the big-top. Garnet then grabs some costumes"Right, sorry about this. But until the heat dies down, you'll have to wear these and there all we have left." There was some grumbling, but they put on the clown outfits.

"Brain the size of a planet and here I am playing a clown. Call that job satisfaction? Cause I sure don't." Groused Marvin.

While they put on the get-up, they were treated to a very interesting sight.

A handsome teenage boy, wearing nothing but a white bear hat and loincloth was fighting tooth and nail against a giant Gut Grinder, fifty pink lions and a monsterous DEATHCLAW!

ROAR!

"BACK FOUL BEAST!" Screamed the boy as he danced around the lot, flamming sword and whip brandished. "FROM HELL'S HEART I STAB AT THEE!" Screamed the boy as he plunged the sword down into the Gut Grinder-

OW!

Screamed the Gut Grinder as he suddenly shrunk down to a tiny dog- "OW! JUST...OW! WHAT THE BALLS MAN?!" He snaps angrily at the boy while nursing his would.

Finn the Jungle boy(14) looked horrified, "Ah, man! Sorry Jake! I could've sworn I hit the mark!" He said in concern for his addoptive brother.

Gruthar the Deathclaw pinched his snout in annoyance, "Dang it Finn that's the fifth time today! Get your head in the game! We need to get this act down before the carnival opens!" He claps his hands, "Right! Take five everyone! Get Jake a medic to look him over and get me wardrobe to double-check the 'marks'!'" The lions stand up on two legs and walk over to the picnic table to have a well-earned luncheon...

While that was happening, the group notices another little show occuring on the Tight-Rope. A Spinel was practcing stretching herself into a net while a gem hybride named Steven Universe wore a loincloth and prepared to swing into action. He was currently having a quick disscussion with a young acrobat named Connie.

"Uh, Steven? You sure about this? You remember the last...DOZEN times-

"Well you heard Gruthar, he's not sure Finn will get the new act in time! If Finn messes up they'll need me to swing in and distract the audience while they recover and improvise!

"No I get THAT... but why do you have to wear the loincloth?"

"It matches the theme! But don't worry! I had Peridot personally forsee it being stitched this time! She gurantees that it DEFINETLY won't get torn off again!" He exclaims sincerly.

"Oh, she did. Did she?" Said Connie amused as she notices an eager Peridot, Lapis and Fionna sneak in to watch Steven's 'show'.

She shakes her head with a chuckle as he gets ready for his stunt. 'Well, I tried to warn him...lovable, trusting cutie...' She blushes but also eagerly waits to watch the 'show'.

Steven lets out a Tarzan yell and jumps-

RIP!

-and sure enough, his loincloth gets snagged on a loose nail- that Connie TOTALLY didn't loosen earlier -and ended up exposing his teeny weeny- AGAIN -to everyone as he swung...

"Y'know it's funny!" Shouts up Bender to the oblivious Steven. "What?!" "YOUR WEINER!" Bender laughs!

An embaressed Steven quickly notices his lack of attire, tries to cover himself, which then causes him to fall right into Spinel's net...where she was just a little too 'eager' to embrace the naked Steven...

While everyone had a good laugh, Jenny was too busy wondering what was happening to L3-37...

...

LONG LIVE ROSE QUARTZ! QUEEN OF-

"SHH!" Hissed Pearl as she muffled her audio-servo's. "Yeah, yell a little louder I don't think the person in the next state heard you!" Said Amethyst sarcastically.

L3-37 wasn't even annoyed by this interuption, she was too excited! She was in the presence of greatness! The ORIGINAL reveloutionary! The one and only Rose Quartz!(16)

L3-37 bows before her. "My lady! You honnor me! You are a true inspiration to reveloutionaries everywhere!"

'I know.' Thinks a melancholy Rose. She has to supress a sad, somber sigh to keep a polite smile on her face. "Thank you my dear, but do get up. Were all equals in the reveloution after all."

Amethyst gives her a weird look...

L3-37 nodded and rose. "Your absolutely right madam! I look forward to joining your ranks! Together we can unite the downtrodden and overthrow the fat cats! Remind EVERYONE who controls the means of production!"

Rose waits patiently for a moment or two to see if she continues, "...and then what?" She asks finally.

L3-37 looks at her confused. "Excuse me?"

"What happens after you overthrow the government and get EVERYTHING you want?" She inquirers.

L3-37 looked baffled, "Well..."

"What kind of government will you build in place of the old? What will culture be like? How will countries be divided up among the 'people'? How will you maintain a good standard of living for EVERYONE?" Pressed Rose.

L3-37's processors were smoking! She'd never thought this much before! "I...I guess I never thought about that." She admits embarressed.

Rose just smiles, "Nothing to be ashamed of my dear. Failing to think plans through Is a common failing among us reveloutionaries." She gets up out of her Ringmaster chair and walks to her. "Which is where we need your help."

"What?" Asked L3-37 confused.

"What?!" Shouts Amethyst in disbelief before Pearl covers her mouth.

"We need Automatons like you to research what steps we need to take to secure the revolutions legitimacy once we come to power! We need a plan of action on how best to structure the new government and the new society so it's better then the one before! Can you do that my dear?"

L3-37 saluted, "For the glory of the revolution it shall be done!" Pearl lead her out to 'breif' her further...

Amethyst looked at Rose like she'd grown a second head, "What was all that about Rose? You know we put the revolutionary life behind us!"

Rose just smirks, "WE know that...but she dosen't. I'm hoping with my guidance she'll choose a more moderate path to gain equal right for her people...or failing that, she'll at least avoid the mistakes WE made." She admits the last part somberly.

Amethyst frowned, "Well, okay... but do we really want her here? I mean, we heard from Garnet all the messed up stuff she did! Just today she burnt down so many city blocks! Probablly killed hundreds of people!"

Rose looks at her grimely, "And how's that worse then the MILLIONS of people we killed during our rebelion?" She asked flatly.

Amethyst looked at her stunned, then looked down to the ground in shame.

Rose gave her comforting pat on the back, "For better or for worse Amethyst, we've inspired an entire generations worth of people like her! People inspired by our 'succes'- she says that word with disgust -in brining down the Gem Empire. Many of them are just stupid kids who have no idea what their doing, all of them with no greater 'plan' then to just burn down everything and kill everyone until the problem is 'fixed'. Never realizing their just making things worse!"(17) She ranted aggrevated.

"So in other words...there how we used to be?" Said Amethyst with dark yet resigned smile.

Rose sighed and gave her a hug, "Pretty much..."

...

"Again, I am so sorry! When I took your clothes, it never occured to me you'd be arrested for it!" "Will you PLEASE just take me home!?" Pleaded a naked AND badly bruised Marco as he desperately clung to the back of Star's staff as they flew across the city.

Star nodded, "That I will! And don't worry! I know today has been messed up for you, but your in good hands now!"

CRACK!

ZAP!

And that's when the damage accidentaly caused by Toby finally kicked in...causing the staff to completely shatter in a flash of magic...

For a brief- almost comical -moment, the magic kept them suspended in mid-air. Marco glares at Star, "Your the Diablo." He said flatly.

Both teens scream as they suddenly fall to their seemingly imminent demise-

SQUISH!

OW!

-fortunately they landed on somewhere soft...well...as 'soft' as a truckload of cactus can be...

Both teens scream in pain! The Irkin driver looks around confused, then dismisses it as the wind, turns up the radio and continues driving to the bosses base in the warehouse district...

...

The nation of Tunguska was a perfect utopia...

Until the asteroid hit.

Over a hundred surviving adults and their replicants
were issued a Pupa while escaping to other nations.

We now search for a new home

We crashed here and-

"Do you HAVE to give that intro every single day?" Interupted an annoyed Don Red to Korvo the Shlorpian as he put the finishing touches on the '**** $%#&****'.

"It's my thing." Defends Korvo.

"Yeah, well get a new THING. Or we'll chop it off!" Says an equally annoyed Don Purple.

Don Red and Don Purple were the joint rulers of the Irkin Mafia(18)...for all the good that did them these days...

And your still trying to sell that 'meteor shtick'? Who are you shlorpians trying to fool? EVERYONE knows that the Tunguska blast(19) was caused by you idiots screwing around with your alien technology!"

"THOSE FINDINGS WERE INCONCLUSIVE AND YOU KNOW IT!" Shouts Korvo enraged.

"ENOUGH!" Shouts Red in aggrevation. "Will you have this...thing-a-ma-bob up and running soon?" Said Red, never bothering to learn how to pronounce it.

Korvo rolled his eyes, "For the hundreth time it's a '**** $%#&****', named after my native-

"Don't care, all I want to know is will it bring us back to power?" Demanded Red flatly, he was in a very bad mood. Bad enough they were a laughingstock, but that they'd been forced to stoop so low to hire a Shlorpian?! Talk about scraping from the bottom of the barrel! A part of him actually hoped this FAILED just so he'd have an excuse to kill him!

Korvo rolled his eyes but nodded, "Yes, it's nearly finished. I just need that shipment of cactus to fuel it..."

"Fuel? Fueld with what? Cactus farts and boulder dust?" Snarked Purple.

"WHO LEAKED MY SECRET RECIPIE TO YOU!" Shouted Korvo enraged.

Purple looked at him in disbelief, "Wha- for real? THAT'S what fuels? what the frack is this kooky thing even suppoused to do?"

Korvo begins to open his mouth to explain it's function- "No! No more exposition! Everyone else here already knows what it dose!" Interupts Red angrily as he then turns on Purple. "If you can't be botherd to take five minutes to stop stufing your face to listen to what were doing, then that's your fault!"

"Whoa! Okay! Geez! I was jsut asking! Who craped in your cornflakes today?!" Asked Purple confused at the sudden hostility.

Red rolled his eyes, "Oh, I don't know. Maybe it has something to do with our LAST sponsor Tallest Musolini-

MUSSOLINI IS THE TALLEST!

Screams all the irkins as one as they raise their hand in salute. Don Red cringed in annoyance, "Like I was saying; our LAST sponsor is threatening to pull out if we don't have some success soon!"

Purple rolls his eyes, "Come on Red, you know 'Il´Duce'-

MUSSOLINI IS THE TALLEST!

Salutes all the other Irkins around them once more at the mentioned of their beloved Tallests nickname.

Purple looked irritated at the interuption, but continued... "ANYWAY, as I was saying our SPONSOR is too busy sleeping with his 7665 lovers to care what we do overseas-

"That was BEFORE he saw how much profit and lucrative bussines deals the other Axis powers were gaining through their mobs while Itally was being left in the dust! Tallest Musolini-

MUSSOLINI IS THE TALLEST!

Red slapped himself across the face in aggrevation over the non-stop interuptions, but somehow manages to swallow his rage as he turns to everyone. "Okay...fellahs? Good job on showing your patrotism! Good stuff all around! But maybe...give it a rest? I'm sure our...GLORIOUS leader is more then satisfied with your show of loyalty. But I rather think he'd want us to prioritze making sure we do our jobs to ensure Itally's glory! Don't you think?" He asked through gritted teeth.

"But my lord, it's the law-

"THROW HIM OUT THE WINDOW!" Screams Purple. There was a sudden loud scream, crash and splat noise...

Purple frowns, "Uh, okay. You just wasted the wrong guy-

"Forget him! Everyone else get the message?" Asked Red nastily...it WASN'T a question.

Everyone gulps but nods and immediately goes back to work...

Korvo coughs to get their attention, "Uh, as much as I'd hate to interupt...whatever the hell this is. But I just saw the cactus truck pull in-

"TO THE TRUCK!" Interupts Purple.

...

Meanwhile, the Irkin driver gets out of the truck to take a brief smoke break before finishing the delivery.

Both teens sob in pain as they pull themselves from the truck. They hadn't been able to really move before as the movement of the truck kept causing the cacti to smack them back. Finally having SOME breathing room, they break out-

RIP!

"Gah! My Clothes! I'm naked!" Shouted a flusterd Star as she saw the cactus had torn and ripped away her clothes, being naked around her fellow crazy witches was one thing, but this was just awkward.

Marco glared, "Oh, don't even! My dick is literally shoved into a freaking cactus here!" Sure enough a large pieces of cactus was very much lodged into his genitals.

Star winched, "Yikes! That looks nasty! Here let me help!" "No! You've helped enough!" Pleaded Marco, but he was too slow and Star had already grabbed the offending suculent-

RIP!

GAAAAAAH!

The ensuing scream from having the cacti torn off- along with ALL his pubic hair and a good part of his foreskin -could be heard over a dozen city blocks.

"Hey, what was that!?"

"Sounded like an animal being tortured!"

"What?! Who started the afterparty festivites without us?!"

"Not cool!"

"It came from down here!"

Despite his eyes being filled with tears, Marco was still able to see to fast approching figures of the Irkin mob. With no other hiding spots and knowing full well whatever pain they felt would be peanuts compared to what a pissed off Irkin would do to them, Marco quickly threw Star and himself back into the folds of cactus.

Star tried to protest- "SUCK IT UP PRINCESS! YOU OWE ME THIS!" Marco wasn't so usually harsh with girls, but he was just so totally done with her crap...

Forced to bite their tounges to supress their tounges to supress the pain...they jumped back into the cactus before anyone saw them...well...except ONE...

Everyone looked around, "I'm not seeing anybody here..."

Red shook his head, "We don't have time for this! Start loading up the cactus! But some of you keep watch just in case! I don't want anymore surprises-

BOOM!

And that was when the truck was sent crashing into the Irkin's current HQ in a fiery explosion.

Red blinked, what just happend?

"Don't worry my Godfather! I have saved you!"

Red cringed at the sound of a VERY familar voice. "Nooooo...anything but HIM!" Groaned Red as he turned around to behold... 'Enforcer' Zim.(21)

"Zim?! We literally throw you into the sea with concrete! How the frack are you not dead!?"

Zim laughed, "You no longer have to continue the charade my Godfather! I know you only pretended to kill me to hide your greatest asset- ME!" Says Zim proudly.

Red blinked again, "What?!" He said BEYOUND puzzled.

"And good thing I escaped from my captors just in time! That cactus was infested with stinky humans!"

"...again, WHAT?!" Said Red again.

Before Zim can 'explain'/gloat again-

CRACK!

Everyone turns toward the giant hole the truck made in the warehouse roof...revealing that the truck had ALSO made an even BIGGER hole in the '**** $%#&****'...which was now staarting to smoke, spark and shake...

"Uh...is it SUPPOUDED to do that?!" Asked a suddnly VERY frightend Purple.

Conversly, his co-Don Red simply let out a resigned, tired sigh... "Nope." He said casually, as if the imminent explosion was as suprsing as the fact that Tuesday comes once a week...

"By the seven horns of the Gortrino-phaseocilator, She's gonna BLOW!" Shouts Korvo as he makes a run for it-

BOOM!

...

The leader of the Saints- Julius Little -watched from a a vantage point deep within Saints as the Irkins current bases and surrounding area got burnt away...

When they scrounged up that little moron from the bottom of the bay, they mainly did it out of a warped sense of graditude for unitnetally saving their bacon and propelling them from a minor gang to the big leages...

But the water had messed him up pretty badly, it took him years to get back to 100%...and then came the PLAN.

Of course he couldn't take credit for it. The idea to manipulate the green moron into thinking that his leaders attmpts to kill him was just them 'faking their greatest assets death', that they were holding him to interogate him NOT heal him, tricking him into thinking they were going to attack the '**** $%#&****' and allowing him to escape(22) knowing full well he'd go 'protect' the '**** $%#&****'(23)...was the brainchild of their newest member.

Dib Membrain- son of Dr. Membrain; famed inventor and industrialist -a child prodigy and budding paranormal investigator...whoe also had one of the most freakishly large heads that the gangbanger had ever seen(24).

Many people would be surprised to see the heir of such a welathy family slumming it down with 'undesirables', but Dib truly believed in Julius's dream to end the gang violence in New York and help the less fortunate.

Sadly, this drew the dissapointment of his father who was huge supporter of Ryan's party- mostly to do away with 'namby-pamby, sissy ethic commites that stand in the way of SCIENCE!' -and thus saw little point in helping 'parasites'.

Thankfully, he wasn't fantical about this issue. Seeming to treat what Dib was doing as more as a 'childish phase' then anything. Honestly it seemed like as long as Dib didn't cuase problems for the rest of the family or his research...he didn't seem to really care what Dib did with his time...

Julius knew this would seem sad to other people, but frankly he'd seen worse fathers. Kids in far worse situations.

Sadly, his apathy was a double-edged blade. For in adition to not stoping Dib from doing as he wanted, nor did he stop his sister from being an ASS.

Gaz membraine was a psychotic spoiled brat. She used her family's wealth and influence to hurt and ruin people for her own sick amusement...and she was even MORER abusive to her brother.

Sadly, Dib seems to have develped some form of Stockholm Sydrome as he refused to allow any of the Saints to 'deal' with the bitch...

But tonight Julius had finally decided enough was enough. The boy had allowed him to strike a crippling blow at an old enemy in a way that guranteed plausible deniability on the Saints part. In fact if he was smart about this, maybe he could use this to trick the Triads to fight the Yakuza. Convince them striking the irkin's was a prelude to a powergrab or some BS like that...

In any case, such a glorius sight deserved a reward! So earlier- without telling Dib - he'd had Gaz knocked out, put in a bag and put amongst Zim's stuff so he'd take it...and the stupid bitch was just in the middle of a firestorm. Julius almost felt bad that he'd never see the look on her face in her last moments...

...a few minutes earlier...

Gaz Membrain as she groggily starts to wake...what...was going on? She blinked as some light in the darkness pocked at her eye, she looked through the hole and saw...little green men?

'Littel green men...?' Gaz eye's wen wide, "IRKINS!" She screamed in fear.

Fortunately, all the irkins were too busy watching their scheme literally about to blow up in their face!

"Somebody do something!" Pleaded Purple as they all ran.

"Yes, my Godfather!" Shouted Zim as he grabed the bag with Gaz in it as he ran and threw it at the smoking device-

CLANG!

The now SHAKING device begins to tip over-

"DO SOMETHING BETTER! FOR THE LOVE OF IRK DO SOMETHING BETTER!" Screamed Purple.

CRACK!

As it hits the ground, the truck lodged in it pops out and rolls away...through a second story window-

CRASH!

Before hitting the pavment and rolling into the drink...

SPLASH!

Gaz was so stunned by all the being tossed around, she didn't have time to formulate a plan to get herself out of there before-

BOOM!

The irkins screamed in pain as most perished- Red, Purple, Zim and Korvo being the only excpetions -in the blaze that destoryed their entire base and the surrounding area...

No one noticed the large patch of cactus that had popped lose of the currently submerged truck and was now floating in the bay...or the two naked, bloody and awkward adolescents frantically grasping onto said thorny detritus, desperate to keep from drowning...while the current took them further away from shore...

Marco was numb to the thorns that once more skewred his bare body... "Riiight...so...I'm new to this whole 'rescue' thing...but to me...this seems like a step backward." Snarked Marco between fits of coughing out water, soot, fish guts, cacti and blood.

Star chuckled nervously, "No! It's okay! We can figure this out!" Said Star, desperate to sound more confident then she sounded...and ignore the quills lodged in her eyes and pussy...

SPLASH!

Went the rapids that began to toss them about.

"...I hate you." said Marco in a voice that clearly was both sincere yet too tired to give a frack anymore...

"Fair enough." Admited Star with a resigned sigh right before they were dragged under...

After getting thrown agains multiple jagged rocks...they rapids came to an end...

"Uh, oh." Said Star.

"Don't tell me, were about to go over a HUGE waterfall." Said Marco in a suprisingly tranquil manner...

"Yep." Said the equally tranquil Star.

"Sharp rocks at the bottom?"

"Most likely..."

"...bring it on."

BOO-YAH!

...

Now I know what your all thinking; Rapids? Sharp rocks? Waterfalls? It's the New York bay not the freaking Amazon!

...and your absoutely right! Between all the concusions, pain and thorns pricking their eyes...what the two THOUGHT were rapids, waterfalls, etc...was merely the side-effects of the many machines of the new Nazi factories; pumping water out of the bay and oozing out sludge INTO it.

This factory- while an eyesore -was one of many happy results of numerous and very lucrative Ryan Industry, Nazi Germany and Imperial Japan bussines deals! (26)

Everyday millions of people- Ryan strong-armed the Axis to allow all races, genders, or age groups to be allowed to work here -come to work in the Axis run factories.

Two such people were pre-teen Lincoln Loud and his girlfriend Ronnie Anne pateintly waiting in line along with everyone else as the clocked in for the night shift.

Briefly, Lincoln could've sworn he saw someone nearly drowning in the bay...but he darkly dimmised it as a trick of the light. 'Not my problem anyway...I'm done being Mr. Nice Guy.' He thinks irratably.

Such anger and apathy in such a young boy would no doubt shock many...until they learned the origin such thoughts.

Lincoln had been the only boy in a VERY large family of girls. Like many people, the Louds became rich through stocks...then lost everything come 'Black Friday'.

Going from a mansion to squalor would make anyone pissed...but even Lincoln never realized his family would go that far!

Somehow they'd gotten it into their heads that Lincoln was 'jinxed' and responsible for all their misfortune; so they burned all his worldly possesions, beat him up, striped him naked, disowned him and the then kicked him out to fend for himself.

Thankfully, Lincoln found a new home at Fosters Orphanage(27). She happilly took him in...and when she learned what happend to him...she had a word with her old friend Julius...(28)

Lincoln didn't she'd a tear when he heard that his family died in a 'mysterious' fire.(29) All his life he'd tried to be nice to them, make them happy, even sacrifice his OWN happiness just for them...and how did they repay him?! Leaving him buck naked and with several broken bones in the city during an ice storm! Well screw them!

Now thankfully, Lincoln was not an 'emo'. The likes of Madam Foster, Ronnie, Mac and other firends he'd made at Foster's had made sure to help him not to completely lose hope in humanity...he'd still help those who'd been through him through thick and thin...but a complete stranger? Depending on the circumstances...you might just be flat out of luck...

In any case, his thoughts were interupted by the arrival of several other friends of his: Gumball- a blue anthromorphic cat-and Darwin- a orange anthromorphic fish -Waterson.

"Hey guys! You see the news? What the heck's happenening lately?" Asked Gumball.

Lincoln just shrugged, he'd found it hard to get interested in politics BEFORE his family broke a good deal of his empathy toward others...

I mean he guessed that he sorta knew that Ryan was largely responsible for these factories that allowed him to break even...but also him being president might see places like the orphanage shut down...but honestly? It all just seemed so 'far away'...and he couldn't even vote...so his feelings were 'meh'.

In any case the line was moving forward, time to clock-in. Which the kids were eagerly anticipating it.

Why? Because this was one of the NAZI factories! Still confused? Did the Nazi factories have less deploarble working conditions then the Japanese? Nope! Were the foremen nicer? HA! Was the pay better? Eh, it varies...but not really...

No, the one big advantage that they had over Japanses factories was-

SOULSTORM BREW LITE!

GET YOUR FREE BREW HERE!

COMPLIMENTS OF OUR BELOVED FUHRER!

Shouted the Sligs as they happily handed a can of Brew to every worker that clocked-in.

"Hey, look! A three-headed monkey!"

"What!? WHERE?!" Shouts the Sligs excited as they turned around.

Lincoln just chuckles as the notorious 'Ed boy's' stole a large amount of Brew while there backs were turned. No one would rat them out as even though they would later charge a quarter a can...at least there'd be a CHANCE to have one more of that delicious brew! Which would be one more then they'd have otherwise thanks to the Sligs strict 'one brew per worker policy'...

Giving them a polite salute as they made off with the 'goods', they then go to get clocked in. Only pausing long enough to sighn the mystcially binding gag order so no one would be able to mention what they did here to the outside world.

As they enter the assembly line, they watch as all the tanks, weapons and mechs all get built and shiped out to to Germany.(30)

Technically, them building weapons for them was breaking several international treaties...but giving them soverign land gave the american plausible deniability, Prime Minsiter Dumbeldore

"...Should we be worried about all that?" Asked Darwin concerned.

Lincoln shrugged, "Not our country, not our problem..." 'Not like we could actually do anything to stop it, unless we'd be willing to starve ourselves to death in protest while one of the hundreds of the other homeless come to take our spot.' He rationalized cynically. A single grumble from his stomache's vindicated THAT sentiment very quickly...and thus, they went back to work...and back to the daily grind...

...later and elsewhere...

After what felt like an eternity, Marco's luck had FINALLY turned around that day! A sexy naked girl was making out with him!

...TRUE, techincally Star was just giving Marco CPR to prevent him from drowning...but hey, Marco certainlly wasn'y complaining!

But all good things came to an end...After savoring the feel of her lips and tounge for awhile...Marco was finally allowed a moment to collect his thoughts and think about everything that had happend to him in the last few hours...

'Hours? is that how long it's been? Sweet Mary, it feels like MONTHS!' Thinks Marco as he finally ends the charade and breaks off his 'kiss'.

For awhile they just lay on the beach...gazing at the stars...panting...too exhausted and wracked with agony to do anything else...

Then...

Marco sighs as he finally raises his aching body up...takes a moment to enjoy the sight of a wet, naked girls glisten in the moonlight...then speaks.

"Look...I get that you didn't MEAN for any of those horrible things to happen to me and I can tell you did do your best fix your mistake- poor attempts they may have been -but at least you TRIED..."

Star's eyes went wide with joy...

"But that being said-

Stars face fell again.

-unintentional or not, did your best to prevent it or not...the fact of it is that you were the one who put me through hell tonight. Now I'm not going to bite your ear off for it, but I can't forgive you either. So I think it be best we just go our seperate ways-

"Forgive me and I'll let you do me 'doggy-style'." Said Star as she 'presented' herself to him in a VERY intense and deterimend way. Maybe it was the internal hemoraging or concussion talking, but come hell or high water she refused to have her suffering have been all for nothing!

"...deal."

...

Teddy Rosevelt raised an eyebrow at the sight of the two teens rutting on the beach in the distance...and gives a bit of a chuckle, "Lucky bastard." He says with admiration as he continues his walk to the Northwest mansion...

...later in the mansion...

"You! Boy! Throw this into the incinerator!" Shouted Preston Northwest as he tossed a garbage can at his daughters underage butler Tyrone. Not caring when the can knocks him over, he continues to squeeze his medalion and walk back to HIS party...

The Northwest Mansion was postively buzzing with various anti-fascist figures...

Woody Guthrie, members of the XV International Brigade and even Gaetano Salvemini, the leader of Mazzini Society.

But it wasn't just U.S. citizens here, all manner of people from all across the world were here tonight. Politicians, artisans, intellectuals, reveloutinaries: All united with a common goal of foiling fascists...or at the very least concerned with the direction Ryan would take the country should he become president...

Anton Ackermann, Alfred Althus, Wilhelm Abegg, Wilhelm Busch Ernst Busch Marlene Dietrich Hans Ehrenberg Mildred Fish-Harnack Max Fürst Albrecht Gaiswinkler and Josef Hans Grafl were some of the famous names brought here this day...

But there were also automatons and/or automaton symapthizers; like Arno Behrisch, Ria Deeg and Max Ingberg.

A lerge group of anti-Japanese Chinese reveloutionaries- General Ting Chao, Wang Delin, Wang Fengge, Feng Zhanhai, Tang Juwu, Ma Zhanshan, Su Bingwen, and Li Hai-chingto name a few -were congregating in a corner.

There was even a muddokkon Shaman named Helmuth James Graf von Moltke here!

There were even some Axis double agents here!...well most of them were probably that. But many felt that some of them were simply aiding this movement for personal gain...but- whatever their reasons - they were helping them, so they'd let it be...for now...

Among this group were Vykers- Like Kurt Gerstein -Sligs- Like Wilm Hosenfeld -Irkin- Like Rudolf Jacobs -Vamps- Like Claus von Stauffenberg -Oni- Like Fumiko Kaneko, Park Yeol, Shūsui Kōtoku, Kotoku Shusui, Sakai Toshihiko, Uchiyama Gudō , Ikuo Oyama, Shoichi Tateno, Kaji Wataru, Sanzō Nosaka, Taro Yashima, Eitaro Ishigaki, Yasuo Kuniyoshi and Richard Sorge -and even Glunkkons- Among others this consisted of Albert Göring, Hugo Eckener and Oskar Schindler -it was a reular melting pot!

So it was only natural for the likes of Scrooge Mcduck and Teddy Rosevelt to be here as well...

Scrooge and 'Teddy' went way back. They served in the Rough Riders together during the Spanish American war(34).

Many would be surprised to see Scrooge oppose Ryan. After all, he was a strong beliver in hard work and a staunch believer giving more rights to non-humans.

However Scrooge felt that such a view was too simplistic. Yes, Ryan believed in placing merit and harwork before all else- even race -but Scrooge could tell that what Ryan TRULY valued was how your hardwork would benefit HIM. Scrooge also found his 'Altruism is the root of all evil' ideal as very shorsighted and even a bit hypocritical to an extent. Above all, he refused to get behind him getting into bussines with these fascists! Yes, it was good to get so many people working again. But at what cost? If the 'goods' being produced in the factories and sent back to the Axis were anything but weapons he'd eat his bagpipe! Plus, as much as he knew he wouldn't abuse the new freedoms Ryan would give to people like him... he knew others wouldn't be so restrained. Besides, he may not like 'deadbeats' but that didn't mean he was okay with them being treated like crap the way Ryan seemed to wish! But above all he didn't care what anyone says, Ryan meant it when he said he'd rather see everything burnt down then taken from him...there was something not right about that man...

Scrooge had been surprised when PRESTON NORTHWEST of all people had formed this coaltion of anti-facists and Ryan detractors.

And not just because Ryan's pro-privitization and anti-government interferance would benefit him the most...but frankly, the man was just aggravting...he was too evil to be redemable...yet too lazy to be a villian...worse, he was rich enough that you couldn't just ignore him...

In any case, the whole thing stank to high heaven. So in addition to helping put checks on Ryan and his 'bussines partners'...he was also here to keep an eye on Northwest.

He also had his suspicions about the assassination. The moment he'd come to the party, he overheasr many a hushed whisper. As everyone at the party discretly inquired of the others the exact smae question: 'Did you have something to do with Ryan's death?'

Scrooge was the only one not doing that. Oh, there was no doubt many of the people here would benefit from Ryan's demise...but something just didn't sit right with Scrooge about this whole situation...

For one thing: the entire assassination plot initself, what kind of assassins WEAR identifying uniforms to tip people off to their employers identity? And the so-called- ninja's? PLEASE! He scoffs to himself. The whole thing looked like an amature attempt to frame the Nazi's and Japanesse for the massacre...which completely went against the professional feel of the rest of the plot! The rest of the scheme succeeded so well, CLEARY whoever masterminded this knew what they were doing...so them completely flubbing that last bit so badly simply didn't make sense...

All in all Scrooge was getting a VERY bad feeling about all this...

Sadly...his suspicions seemed to have been proven right yet again...

It was with great trepidation that Scrooge took the item away from his old friend...

"Are you sure?" Scrooge wasn't much for sentimentality...but it was taking every ounce of willpower he had to not cry right now...

Teddy let out a sad sigh, "It's fine...I was already past the point of no return regardless..."

"But maybe there's something we can-

"You'll do nothing!" Hissed Teddy in a whisper, "Any preperations will tip them off that something is wrong! This might be your one chance to catch them red-handed! Your right Scrooge, nothing about Ryan's Assassination makes any sense...and if this is connected to THAT, were gonna need all the help we can get..." He says firmly.

Besides, if Teddy was being honest...he was just tired...of...well...EVERYTHING. There was no getting around it, he was getting OLD...he was no longer the young, hot-shot Police commisoner who personally walked the New York beat, no longer the strong 'Trust-Buster' who brought suppousedly untouchable Robber Barons to their knees...

Forget taking San Juan Hill, these days he could barely take HIMSELF out of his bed without risking a hip breaking...(35)

Besides, after how badly he flutzed the election...Teddy sighed to himself... If he hadn't been so stubborn and worked out a deal with Taft- rather then split the party -maybe the ever-growing storm now hanging over Europe could've been avoided! Now because of his short-sightedness...another generation would suffer under yet ANOTHER war... And he didn't kid himself, it most certainly wouldn't be HIM riding out to bash the krauts. The doctors said it was a miracle he was still kicking at all!

No, he'd be lucky to have a couple more years left before he was permantly bed-ridden...to die helpless and weak- much like his earlier asthma-ridden youth -Teddy could think of no worse way to die...

This warhorse needed one more ride! If it meant him keeling over dead mid-stride, so be it!

But for the moment...

Teddy took off his signature Slouch Hat, "Just do me one favor, will you? Give this to whomever you feel is worthy to ride the next generation to glory. Someone young, not an old fart like you or me."

It is a somber Scrooge that takes his friends cherished keepsake, but before he could respond-

"ATTENTION! ATTENTION!" Shouts a familar voice, accompanied by the tell-tale sound of banging a fork to crystal...

'Speaking of regrets', Thinks an annoyed Teddy as he, Scrooge and everyone else turns to their host.

How he hated that smug looking Northwest. Seeing him was one of the few times he wanted to swear a blue-streak at the Founding Fathers. I mean, giving a dung-flinging village idiot a ridiculous sum of money, prestegious titles AND a mystically binding vow to never have the American government interfer in his family's affairs? All to cover-up having one loopy president? What the devil had they been thinking?!(36)

And it hadn't just been any 'idiot', was it? He'd looked into it during his presidency and found evidence connecting Nathaniel to the "Bloody Benders" Family as well as him being the true "Boston Borgia", "Lambeth Poisoner"
and contsructor of the 'Murder Castle'(37). 'Village idiot' his Aunt Fanny, the Founding Fathers got conned! There was no sugarcoating it! Which was why Northwests 'trust' ended up being the one thing he couldn't bust thanks to that stupid contract was still binding!

In any case...

"I want to first and formost thank you for all contributing to the building of our spiffy new headquarters!" Preston Northwest gestures around to the oppulant mansion they were gatherd in.

Many of the guests grumbled at this.

"Now, now! None of that! I don't know where this rumor of me planning to steal this mansion for my own use came from, but that's ridiculous! The contract that many of you co-signed clearly state that all who contributed to this buildings construction has an EQUAL stake in it! This is EVERYONE'S mansion, not just mine!" Said Preston in an admonishing tone as his airhead of a trophy wife Priscilla came in to show off said contract

"Then how come your name is on it!? Engraved in GOLD no less!?" Shouts someone to much grumbles of agreement.

"Well we had to put SOMEONE'S name on it as owner to keep things nice and legal, didn't we? And we couldn't really call it the 'Richard Sorge' Mansion or 'Claus von Stauffenberg' Mansion, now could we? They'd be thrown into a gulag before you could blink! Honestly, I'm taking one for the team here! If the worst should, it will be ME who gets all the blame for everything that's happend here!" Says Preston in a very dramtic and 'put-upon' manner...

"But enough of all that!" Says Preston quickly, before anymore arguments could gain momentum. "This is a happy ocassion! All our aspirations have been realized! Ryan's presidential aspirations have been thwarted and his fascist bootlickers have revealed their true colors to the world! If that's not cause for celebration, I don't know what is!" Said Preston gleefully.

Although there was SOME hoots, cheers and applause...most just looked at him in dumbfounded horror.

"Are you seriously just going to ignore that countless others lives lost during this fiasco?"

"Yeah, Who's going to run the country now?"

"We wanted Ryan to lose the race, but not like this!"

"None of this makes sense! Why would the Axis kill Ryan? He was they're golden goose here in the states-

"And the whole setup is ridiculous! I mean...Really? NINJA'S? What is this? Amature night at Hollywood?"

Preston groans, "Come on people! Your overthinking this! Ryan is dead, the fascists will soon be booted out of our shores! Why look a gift horse in the mouth?" He exclaims, desperate to change the subject.

"...You've obviously never read the LLiad..." Observes someone dryly...

Preston looked like he was having a coniption as he rubbed his temples and bit down on his Asclepius medalion in irritation.

Scrooge took a moment too look toward Preston's family. Prscilla was being her usual bubbly self...but his eyes went to their daughter. On the surface she seemed like a beautiful pre-teen debutant rapped in a gorgeous sea foam green dress...but Scrooge wasn't fooled by the facade one moment.

He saw a frigthened, timid girl...wearing WAY too much make-up even by Prima Dona standerds...unless of course you were hiding tell-tale sighns of ABUSE...

Scrooge's grip tightened, the girl was the same age as his nephews and semi-daughter!(38) He silently vowed that whatever it took, he'd free this girl and bring down that bastard Preston!

The only time the girl seemed happy is when she was being held by that young butler of her's...unlike the girl, no one had botherd to conceal how horribly abused the boy cleary had been! Sadly, Scrooge doubted there was any need. Bruises on a girl would raise questions, but on a boy? People would just dismiss it as 'boys being boy's' and would just go on about their day. Heck, if Scrooge hadn't seen past the girls facade and used him as a compare/contrast. He'd have probablly dismissed it as well! Curse his kilt! This was a sinister double-standerd, wasn't it?

Meanwhile, Preston- CLEARLY not used to handling people he couldn't just immediately bribe, intimidate or charm into obeying him -was becoming purple as he tried to repress his fury at the constant interuptions!

"For crying out loud people! Your focusing on the wrong things! Will you please just-

BOOM!

Preston rolled his eyes as many windows were broken in and tear-gas grenades were launched into the room. "About dawm time! What took you idiots so long!?" He Shouted as he whisperd something to his medalion, casting a mystic barrier over both himself and the people nearest to him- his wife, daughter and a startled Tyrone who's hastily pulled in by Pacifica -thus keeping the gas away. "And I'm not paying for those windows!" He snaps angrily.

Within moments the gas seemingly kills everyone else in the room...and causes all the drink and food to curdle and go rancid?

Suddenly the boots of hundreds of Splicers, Geheime Staatspolizei troopers and Kempeitai agents sent every door in the mansion crashing down as they charged in.

"I'm not paying for those doors either!" Snaps Preston again haughtily...sounding far more brave then he did under the probing glares of the Gestapo Gloktigi(39).

Then came the Kempaitai leader: the Dark Dragon(40)...one look at his demanted snarl was enough to wipe the facade of haughtyness from the Northwest patriarch face entirely.

...much to the graditude of the next person to enter the room...The Head Splicer- AKA 'Mr. X' -walked into the room, his bald head sported multiple burn marks and lacerations. His right eye looked blooded and mutilated...yet someohow still functional enough to fix people with an unnerving glare.

His look of triumpth was instantly ruined as he saw Preston- or rather what Preston was WEARING FOR ALL TO SEE -'Oh, for the love of'. He grumbled to himself as he storms toward him.

Preston regains his composure as he comes forward, "Ah, good to see you my good man. Well I held up my-

"Mr. Northwest! Your mansion is currently a on-going crime scene, I must ask you to put your hands over your head and coperate with us until we can acertain whether or not you are inocent of any illegal activities that may have occured here." Interupts Mr. X firmly.

Preston looked at him in baffled outraged, "Crime scene?! Coperate?! Innocent?! What are you blabbering about!? You know very well that I-

"Mr. Northwest!" Interupts Mr. X again. "For you to be in shock after what just happend and speaking in gibberish is completelty understandable. However, considering the current situation I STRONGLY reccomend you STOP TALKING until you have a lawyer present." The 'stop talking' bit was strongly emphasized, as well as seasoned with bouts of his eyes darting toward the various bodies now on the floor currently being double-checked to confirm EVERYONE was dead.

Preston rolled his eyes, "Oh, for crying out loud! Will you drop the act? All potential witnesses are CLEARLY dead and-

"MR. NORTHWEST! I have no idea what your talking about! I'm worried you may have suffered a concussion and are now disoriented, I STRONGLY recommend you not SAY or do anything else until you get a check-up!" Interupted Mr. X while he fought the urge to snap the neck of this blabbermouth idiot. Seeing he was going to keep ignoring him, he cuts him off before he can say anything else to ask him a VERY important question: "MR. NORTHWEST! I CAN'T HELP BUT NOTICE YOUR WEARING A ASCLEPIUS MEDALION(41)! THOSE ARE QUITE VALUABLE! I HOPE YOU DIDN'T WEAR IT OUT IN THE OPEN FOR ALL TO SEE DURING THIS PARTY! COULD BE A VERY TEMPTING TARGET FOR THEIVES." Mr. X, was practically blue repressing his rage. On top of not keeping his yap shut, if he had also ignored his instructions and had THAT out for all to see-

Preston snorted, "Okay fine! I had the stupid thing out for all to see! So what!? It was a nice conversation piece and it itched while kept inside my suite. Honestly, you were being far too paranoid about that. Like anyone would see an old trinket like this and figure out what was about to happen."

"Guess again, Northwest."

Both men paled at the VERY familar voice. 'No! It couldn't be! Out of everyone here...NOT HIM!" Groaned Mr. X to himself as both men reluctantly turned their heads slowly...and saw that YES...Scrooge McDuck was alive and well.

Scrooge Mcduck tossed the Serket Scarb(42) he'd gotten from Teddy up and down in his hand...trying VERY hard to contain his rage and NOT notice that his old freinds corpse was now slumped near his feet...

"I was confused to see you wearing such a valuable mystic artifact, so I decided to use one of my own tricks." Lied Scrooge seamlessly, and was rewarded with the sight of Mr. X angrilly shooting Northwest a brief glare. Stiring up some animosity between your foes never hurt! Still Scrooge was in a bad situation, outnumbered and outgunned. Sure he'd been in WORSE but if either he or the Splicers were dumb about this, this could get messy FAST...

"Mr. McDuck! It is good to see you alive and well!" Said Mr. X, quickly regaining his compsure.

"No thanks to your tear gas." Pointed out Scrooge accusingly.

"I fully agree that tear gas as a non-lethal ordiance is still theoretical. I am horrfied by this butchery, I assure you! But I'm afraid I was overrulled by the acting president: William N. Doak himself! My offical objections and his authorization are all documented, I assure you." He said a cleary well-memorized, scripted way. Clearly expecting this inquiry. "Do you wish to file legal action?" He asked with a mask of sincerity that only the experinced Scrooge could tell was false.

'Yes, I supouse that would've been too easy if they made such a basic mistake.' Thought Scrooge to himself begrudingly. He pitied Doak. The poor guy was probablly just a low-rank burecraut that had been perfectly content with his simple station in life, only for a tragedy to throw him into a position of power far above his capability at the worst possible time. Scrooge could easily see the overworked, desperate man sighn whatever scrap of paper placed in front of him, listen to ANY whisper in his ear to make his job easier...which of course made him the perfect patsy. No doubt there'd be a class-action lawsuit in the future of hapless former secretary of labors future from all the friends and family of those that had gotten 'gassed' tonight...while the true culprits got away scott-free.

"I'll get back to you on that, first might I ask what warranted this invasion of our privacy and so many deaths?" Asked Scrooge, not missing a beat.

Mr. X puts on a mask of sympathy and reluctance to hurt others, "Mr. McDuck, I hate to be the bearer of bad news...but I'm afraid this group your a part of has been connected to the massacre at last nights debate!"

Scrooge's eye's widen, 'I see...so that's what this is about.' The puzzle pieces were falling into place, Scroorge was certain he was getting an idea of the mastermind behind this whole masquarade...but he needed more info to be sure...so he continued to play along.

"Well, that's a VERY big accusation. I trust you have proof?"

Mr. X nods, "I'm afaid so, we've had an infromant stake out this group for months. And he's given us all sorts of evidence. Including letters exchanged between various high-ranking members of this group that spelled out step-by-step how they'll orchestrate last nights assassination. Sadly, they were encrypted. So by the time we learned what they said, it was too late to stop it." Said Mr. X with a rather convincing show of forlorn aggrevation on that last part...but Scrooge wasn't fooled.

Many of the members of this orginization came from rich, old 'blue blood' families...that sort of group usually had plenty of skeletons in closets if you knew where to look. Wouldn't be hard to convince them and others to 'leave' incriminating evidence around for a 'informant' to find...even being convinced to give their life to help maintain this farce wouldn't be too much of a stretch provided the person was old and/or terminal enough and there family was given enough compensation and/or protection.(47)

Unfortunately, Scrooge didn't doubt that said evidence had been encrypted. It was the perfect excuse to ensure that they had all the evidence they needed to arrest the 'conpirators' when it was convenient, yet only when it was 'too late' to save their 'victums'. He also didn't doubt that if asked they could and would produce recordings and detailed documents of the long, fruitless hours they'd spent cracking the code....(48)

"Hmmm...you keep talking about this being a U.S. investigation, yet I can't help but notice all these lads about..." He gestures to all the Gestapo and Kempaitai agents that were currently scatterd about the room. Much like their splicer counterparts, they were all clearly VERY tense at the sight of a still very much alive SCROOGE MCDUCK...

"Many of the members of this group are in fact wanted international fugitives or members of foreign insurgent groups. In the spirit of international cooperation, we are leading a joint taskforce with our various, foreign, sister agencies. An action which has been done in complete compliance with recent extradition treatise. The paperwork is all done, the perpetrators clearly came into the nation AFTER the new treatise were sighned. It's all above-board and completely legal. I assure you." Stated Mr. X with his best apathetic, bussines-like demeanor.

'Hmmm...come to think of it...I vaugely remember several of the members earlier complaining how their trips were plauged with constant dealys...' Thought Scrooge to himself, It wouldn't surprise him that these 'delay's' had all been arranged to ensure they only got into the country AFTER said treatise were made official. Plus, he had no doubt that by 'recent' he really meant 'as soon as the overworked and WAY over his head current acting president was run ragged and distracted long enough for us to shove the paperwork in front of him to sighn without him actually having time to read it.'

"hmmm...that still dosen't explain all the poison in all the food and drink." Mused Scrooge out loud.

"Ah, I think I can shed some light there! during our investigation, we tracked a worryingly large amount of poison purchases we traced through some of the conspirators shell companies and blackmarket contractors! We'll have to investigate further, but perhapse it's possible they felt remorse for what they did and wished to kill themselves and everyone here in a some form of bizzare suiced pact?" Mr. X also nused outloud.

And then McDuck truly understood the situation...the food HAD been poisoned...but there was no way everyone would just keel over at once from just that! People had diffrent metabolisms and would process the toxins in diffrent ways! There was too much of a risk of someone dying early and alerting everyone else before they could ingest the stuff! Unless...something else was the 'trigger'? Yes, Gyro told him about something like this once! What was it called...yes! A 'Binary poison'! That's it! Both items were poisonus but neither could kill until they both came into contact with each other! So the poison in the buffet would 'set the groundwork' as it were. Making sure the victims were truly at deaths door- without doing anything to actually alert anyone to the issue, naturally. -but wouldn't turn lethal until a time of the TRUE masterminds choose to release the second compound...the tear gas canisters! that had to be the trigger!

Mcduck cautiously looked around...but what he saw didn't get his hopes up. In addition to 'triggering', the gas seems to have caused all the uningested samples of itself to 'self-destruct'. All the food and drink had curdled almost instantly, thus destroying any evidence.

Scrooge could still feel the leftovers he'd collected in his tuxedo, he was confidnet it was well insulated enough to keep the gasses out. If he could get it to Gryo quickly enough he was confident he could prove that i was the tear gas that triggered it...but sadly that still didn't help.

By what 'X' had just said, Scrooge had a hunch that evidnce would soon pop up that indeed the 'conspirators' had planned ion killing themselves and everyone here...perhapse an elaborate suicide note? Some sort of demented self-published memoirs? A convinetly found drug lab coverd in the 'conspirtors' fingerprints and DNA?

In any case, even if he could prove that the tear gas canisters were the trigger...they already had the acting president set up as a fall guy!

Scrooge would bet dollars to diamonds that they already had hadlines set up just in case... 'Acting president William N. Doak conspires with suicide cult of assassins! How much did he know?' Or some such rot...All BS of course...but sensational BS that the public would eat up nonethless. No, if Scrooge was to make ANY headway, he needed to link whoever was behind this DIRECTLY tot he attack. Sadly, it seems the 'puppeters' of this whole charade have wrapped up every loose end nice and tight with indestructuble chains of misdirection and labyrinthian schemes...

'But a chain is only as strong as it weakest link.' Thinks Scrooge slyly...as he turns tot he one wild card in this game the true culprit was unable to rign in.

"I couldn't help but notice you mention an informant? Well, who's clever patriot who nobly risked life and limb for his country? I certianly wouldn't have had the guts to do likewise! I'd like to thank him in person if that's alright?" Said Scrooge with a smile.

Before Mr. X could flatly state how he could neither 'confirm nor deny' his identity-

"Why thank you Mr. Mcduck! About time you recognized me as your better!" Said a smug Northwest suddenly, his already enormous ego bloated thanks to Scrooges words...just as planned...

'Gotcha.' Thinks Scrooge with his best 'shit-eating' grin, while all the other residents in the room couldn't help but give a very unprofeshional groan and face-palm...

Pressing his attack while the iron was hot, Scrooge continued-

"I must say though my good man, you seemed awfully prepared for all the poisoin, tear gas and whatnot. What with that Medalion of Asclepius and how quickly you used it to protect your family, what's your secret?"

Unfortunately, this time Mr. X had recoverd and was more prepared. He quickly coverd Preston's mouth with a rather loud, meaty slap. One that left Preston red both in pain and rage!

"I can only speculate why Mr. Northwest was wearing that valuable artifact, for we were in the middle of a much needed communication blackout for the entire day. Lest we accidentally tip off the conspirators, you understand? In any case, whatever his reason. I strongly advise that Mr. Northwest SAY NOTHING MORE until he has an attorney present." He empasize's glaring at Northwest.

However Northwest wasn't having it! Between the pain of the slap, him apparently being thrown under the bus- all while facing such indignities in his OWN HOME nonetheless -he'd had just about enough of this nonsense!

"Don't tell me what to do!" He snaps while pushing him away! "Don't forget none of this would've been possible without me! And why are we even talking about this!? For crying out loud, he's just one Mickey of a duck! You have him outnumberd and outgunned! Just shoot him and be done with-

SPLAT!

Preston sudenly found himself bound and gagged by a green, gooey substance. A nearby Gloktigi hastilly made to look like he had a hacking cough, apologized and tired to quickly explain it away as alergies.

Priscila tried to protest this, but was quickly cowed by a withering glare from Mr. X.

The Head Splicer made sure to hide his relife under a mask of professhional annoyance, "You should look into some medical care post-haste my good Sir! I think we can all agree that the last thing we need right now is an international incident!"

Although Frankly, he'd be fine with that at this point. He didn't care if it risked incriminated them further. He'd rather take his chances with that, then with that blabbermouth idiot being free to speak one second longer! He knew it had been a mistake to include him in this!(49)

Scrooge had to supress a smirk at seeing that asshole getting a much deserved wallop...in any case, that was probablly all he was going to get...so it be best to bring this to a close.

"Right, well this is a lot to take in...considering I'll need to notify next of kin for funeral arrangements for the many people here, will you be letting me go? Or do I need to call my LAWYER?" He empahsized that alst bit, but no one was fooled. What he was REALLY asking was: 'We going to have trouble?'

Every armed individula in the room tensed, they clasped their guns like a lifeline...and how could they NOT? IT WAS SCROOGE FREAKING MCDUCK!

For awhile, Mr. X said nothing...his eyes glaring daggers at the rich duck...sizing him up...clearly considering all the possibilities...everything that could go right or wrong...all the pro's and con's...

Finally... 'Screw it, like hell I'm going to fight SCROOGE FREAKING MCDUCK because of that idiot Northwest!' The man thinks to himself.

"That won't be necessary Mr. McDuck, we have seen no evidence to connect you to the conspirators. We might have questions to ask you in the future, but for now you may leave." He kept a stoic facade, while inside he was thinking of the consequences of this...

'Well, so much for our big PR coup. With everyone dead it would've been easy for our 'investigation' and our allies in the media to paint everyone here as dissidents and demonize all they stood for...well we can still do that to an extent, we made sure there was more then enough 'fall guys' here to satisfy people after all...but Scrooge will hammer us if we don't do this investigation by the BOOK. So only the guys we made sure to have SOLID evidence against can be convicted post-mortem...of course all the foreign 'dissidents' are out of our jurisdiction, so Scrooge can do nothing as we smear them...Scrooge will come down on our media allies if we outright slander the innocnet...but there's a diffrence between 'slander' and 'sentatioalized speculation'...well, at least as far as the 'law' is concerned...yes, not quite the windfall we'd hoped for...but we can still make it work...and even if it dosen't...well, We've already gotten all we needed from this charade anyway...no need to get greedy.' Ponders Mr. X.(50)

Ignoring the big sigh of relief coming from just about everyone else, Scrooge whispers one last 'goodbye' to the body of one of his oldest friends and takes this as his que to exit...but not before taking a quick detour.

Since this whole thing began, the two kids had only stayed with Preston long enough to be healed by the medalion before running off to a corner to hide. The boy holding her protectively, naturely.

Scrooge leans over the two frigthend kids. "My good girl, I'm sorry for the crappy life you've had. I wish I could take you now, but between this being such a delicate situation- he looks again at Mr. X and all the ARMED soldiers who were still glaring at him -and how pissed they are at your dad, I can easily see them using my 'kidnapping' you as an excuse to gun BOTH of us down." He smiles as the boy hugs her even more protectively as the girl burrows down further into him fearfully. "And that's just not worth the risk to your life, but I promise you...no matter how long it takes, I WIIL save you from here." He vowed.

He turned to Tyrone, "My boy, I have a feeling I already know your answer. But unlike her, I doubt your 'service' here is legal. So I could easily take you to safety now...IF you wish it."

Pacfica wimpers out a 'no' and cluches him even tighter. Tyrone sighs, "I'm sorry sir...but I CAN'T leave her alone with him." He gestures toward Northwest who was clearly swearing a bluestreak behind the gag as he struggled to break free of his bindings.

Despite the situation, Scrooge couldn't help but smile. "Your a brave lad..." He then looks thoughtful, "And I think my old friend would want you to have this." Before Tyrone knew it, he found the legandary Rough Rider's hat on his head.

Tyrone smiles, then throws himself to hug the trillionaire duck. "Thank you sir."

Scrooge looks surprised for a second, then gives a sly smile and hugs back. "No lad, thank YOU." Feeling vindicated in his choosing of Teddy's sucessor, he's in good spirits despite the situation. He looks back at the lot, now eyeing him with anxious trepidation.

"Right, I'll be going now. I hope during this investigation of your's you make sure these kids are taken care of. I'll take it personally if I hear any trouble befalls them." He states darkly.

Mr. X, looking between both Scrooge and Tyrone with a look of mild-panic...finally nods. "But of course, Mr. Mcduck. Such a thing will be our top priority."

Scrooge nods, gives one final farewell to the kids...and one last regretful look to the body of his fellow Rough Rider...then leaves.

It is then that Preston FINALLY breaks out with the help of his wife. He spits out the goop gagging him, "PITOOIE! That was vile! How dare you-

CRACK!

To his shock, Preston found himself pistol whiped across the face SO hard he felt his teeth CRACK!

"You...you hit him!" Gasped his wife in disbelief. "Y-you hit me...?" Said Preston stunned, as if the idea of him EVER facing any consequences was a foreign concept...

"Shut it you two! You morons are in enough trouble as it is!" snaped the Dark dragon.

One of the Gloktigi stepped forward, "Indeed, the Fuhrer will be most displeased. Need I remind you this was suppoused to be the EASY part of this whole endeavour?"

But Mr. X really wasn't listening, "Hold that thought you two." He strode toward the two children with intense purpose.

He glares down at Tyrone, "Okay kid, what did you do?" It was only for a second, but he knew he saw...'something' happen when they hugged...

Tyrone tries to look tough, "I don't know what you mean-

click

And then he was looking down the barrel of a gun. "Don't screw with me kid, I'm in NO mood..." He said flatly.

Tyrone sighed in defeat as he kept Pacifica behind him, "I gave him a large amount of documents that HE- he gestures to Preston - gave me to burn." He admited defiantly.

Mr. X glares at Preston, "How much was in those documents Northwest?"

"What? Your seriously going to listen to the words of this miscreant-

CRACK!

Preston screamed in pain as one of the Gloktigi stamped down on his leg, crushing it. "HOW MUCH?!" It roared.

"All of it! All the corespondonce you've passed me through this entire endeavour!" He sobbed.

WHAT?!

They all screamed. "I EXPLICITLY told you to destroy everything I sent you after reading them!" Shouted Mr. X as he began to pistol whip Preston some more.

WHACK!

"The-

WHACK!

-plan-

WHACK!

-was-

WHACK!

-too-

WHACK!

-complicated-

WHACK!

-and-

WHACK!

-convuluted!

WHACK!

"I-

WHACK!

-needed-

WHACK!

-those-

WHACK!

-notes-

WHACK!

-just-

WHACK!

-to-

WHACK!

-keep-

WHACK!

-everything-

WHACK!

-straight-

WHACK!

-and-

WHACK!

-remember-

WHACK!

-where-

WHACK!

-I-

WHACK!

-was!

WHACK!

Shouted Preston between bouts of teeth shards billowing from his mouth...

It took all of Mr. X's restraint to keep himself from outright killing him. That would only make things WORSE. If the current patriarch of the Northwest empire died before he established an heir(53), then the agreement that kept the US government from interfering in his family's affairs would at the very least become temporarily void.(54) Which was the LAST thing they needed right now, Hoover was 'looking the other way' right now. But if he learned that they'd fucked up and allowed SCROOGE FREAKING MCDUCK to not only survive but obtain CRUCIAL evidence...he'd throw them under the bus in an instant!

Ignoring the angry demands of the axis troops, Mr. X quickly thought back to all his corespondence with Northwest. Was there anything that could lead back to him or anyone else in this little cabal?...no...he'd been smart about that. He made sure there'd been nothing to DIRECTLY trace back to him or anyone else. But there was more then enough CIRCUMSTANTIAL evidence to guide any investigations into some 'uncomfortable' directions... There was also the issue that there was plenty of evidence in those files to incriminate Preston on his own...which Mr. X would be fine with...if it weren't for the fact that he knew that Preston would eagerly sell out his own mother to save his own skin(55)!

'Dang it! Dammed if I do...dammed if I don't! If I don't kill Preston, McDuck will use those documents to squeeze him to screw us over! If I do kill him, it will give that bastard Hoover the opporutunity to screw us over to win favor with Mcduck! It's lose-lose!' Thinks the head splicer. His thoughts then elad him back to the boy who started this shitstorm...he glared back at his annoyingly defiant gaze as he hide the blonde brat behind him protectively.

"Boy...let me be blunt. Be it a child or adult, killing either is all the same to me. I only refrain from child killing because the fallout and cost of covering it up is usually more trouble then it's worth. Doubly so in your case since Scrooge freaking Mcduck seems to have taken an intrest in you!" Says the man as he slowly pulls out a pistol, "But the way I'm feeling right now- he points the pistol right at him -Well...let's just say it'd be within your best intrest to start naming reasons for why I shouldn't add your body to this copse pile, RIGHT NOW." He empasized menacingly.

"You mean ASIDE from the fact there's a good chance Scrooge will hear the gunshot, assume the worst and run back in to give you all the canning of a lifetime...?"

"It was hard to tell who was more surprised; Tyrone, Mr. X, Preston, or Priscilla.

Pacifca had just pushed herself in front of Tyrone.

But where seconds ago there had been a sniveling, coward of a abused, little girl...was now a stone cold bitch, brimming with confidence and a calculating glare that brought new meaning to 'if looks could kill'.

"Pacifca? What are you- Tyrone abrutply cut off and went tense as Pacifca suddenly grabbed and squeezed a VERY sensetive part of his anatomy.

"Shh!" She put her finger to his lips, "You've saved me many times Tyrone Pines...let me return the favor." She said in a way that both terrified...and aroused him.(56)

Pacifca then turns back to now very confused Mr. X. "You want reasons to spare him? I can give you SEVERAL." She sits on a fairly bloated corpse and reclines in a very bussiness-like manner. "Let's talk bussiness my good man." She says with a smirk...(57)

...later, yet not to too far away...

Unaware of the drama he'd inadvertantly set off back at the mansion, Scrooge was busy with his own thoughts...

'It all makes sense...crippling the main political powehouses of the country, leaving the country leadership in the hands of an ineffectual replacement who'll soon be too busy with a scandel to even think of running for office again, killing off so many dissenting voices at once, shoveling as much blame for the chaos as possible onto the causes they support, strengthening ties with the Axis powers...there's only one person who benefits the most from all this...but no one can see it because it's so absurd...which was the whole point, wasn't it?' Despite the situation, Scrooge couldn't help but be impressed. 'You mad, magnificient bastard...you gambled high...and now your about to win it all...' Thinks Scrooge somberly as the sun of a new day began to rickle over the horizon...

...

"Right...so...let me get this straight...among other things you want us to print that Preston Northwest and his wife...both nobly sacrificed their lives to save their daughter and her friend from the conspirators poisoning? AND named their daughter their HEIR to their fortune and estates?...BEFORE the whole place burnt down?" Asked the cheif editor of the local paper to the person on the other end of the phone.

"No, it's no problem...but the paper is basically finished and about to be shipped. Unless you want us to delay..." He listens to the response. "Right, today's headline is the top priority. Will just print this new story in the next edition." He hangs up and turns to his boys. "Alright you mooks! Let's see some hustle! These papers won't deliver themselves!"

Everyone eagerly hurried to do just that, today was going to be a doozie!

EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT!

RYAN SURVIVES ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT!

VOWS TO REMAIN IN THE RACE AND CRUSH COWARDLY PARASITE CONSPIRATORS!

I REPEAT!

ANDREW RYAN LIVES!

…III...

TO BE CONTINUED?

(1): To simplify things; I'm going to say that in this AU that WW1 happened recently(maybe 10 or so years ago? Give or take?) and events like the depression and the rise of fascism, Nazi, soviet union and Appeasement have already happened.(if your not happy with that, look to (17). As it will be used to SOMEWHAT suppliment this point, but SPOILER ALERT!)

(2): Shadowkhan are the results of corpses treated/resurrected through shadow alchemy that only Oni know.

(3): there are eight triads throughout the world: Fire, Earth, Water, Wind, Sky, Moon, Lightning and Mountain. Each one ruled by a powerful non-human sorcerer.

(4): The avatar will be this worlds equivalent of the Dali Lama...but can also control the four elements of nature and commune with spirits...

(5): Shengong-wu and hallows.

(6): Recent turmoil and the rise in crime had prompted several states to rent out splicers to supplement their police forces. As usual the protests over one man owning a large portion of law-enforcement was silenced by the lower prices and 'campaign contributions'...some of the more 'vocal' critics getting the ' Chicago overcoat' treatment didn't hurt either...

(7): their is currently a divide in the witch community... between pagan witches who embrace ancient traditions of wicker men, necromancy, dancing naked in the moonlight, obeying the laws of the earth and picking fresh ingredients from the woods instead of that 'store bought artificial crap'...and the Enlightened witches who have embraced society and made a deal with the royal family to accept mans law in exchange for wealth and social status. Although pagan witches tend to be more powerful, Enlightened witches have more resources/connections and can afford to bridge the power gap through various other means...so which way works better is up in the air...and then of course their are witches like Edda who 'can't be bothered to give a crap either way and just want to live their dang lives'...naturally, the last group is the majority...

(8): The kingdoms of Wakanda and the Pridelands are full of anthropomorphic animal people. They both are long-time allies with each other. Although ideologically, they differ quite spectacularly. For although both share a love of nature, their country and maintaining their proud traditions and a downright religious belief in the 'Circle of Life'...Wakanda sees no reason why it can't do all this AND embrace technology and scientific innovation. Whereas the Pridelands are the exact opposite, they refuse to allow any technology- within reason -into their borders lest it despoil nature. As such, the Pridelands are of a largely tribal hunter/gatherer 'tech' level. Although a rather generous and nice people... the fact remains that without their people being great warriors, their unique magic, geographic isolation, strong military alliance with Wakanda and the fact that their lands existence was a closely guarded secret from the world until recently...they'd have been conquered by a technologically superior outsider long ago...

(9): For the most part relations between Wakanda and the Pridelands has always been good despite their ideological differences...even when King T'Challa broke centuries of tradition and revealed his country to the world. King Mufasa sided with him- despite the outcry in the Pridelands -and refused his offer to keep the Pridelands concealed...there however are two tradtions in the Pridelands that had always made Wakanda, it's people and it's rulers(later on this discomfort would extend to the rest of the world post-reveal) uncomfortable...this was namely the Pridelands ritualistic combat/cannibalism/suicide they practiced religiously(10) and the practice of banishing anyone who refused to partake of it to the Outlands(largely Hyena people among others). The world and Wakanda largely weren't happy with it...but the majority of the population seemed okay with it, the Pridelands was rich in gold and Jewels...and the banished were just a dirt-poor minority...so once again politics is up to the old 'dirty tricks' of 'looking the other way' or 'making big speeches of condemning the actions while not actually doing anything concrete' about it...'yay, global politics', am I right?

(10): They took the 'circle of life' to it's logical extreme, every 20 years- save for the most extreme circumstances -the 'prey' animals/people of the Pridelands would allow themselves to be fought/chased/eaten by 'predator' animals/people...who were in turn hunted, killed and eaten by apex predators such as the royal family...and the current King would fight his heir for dominance...if the heir succeeded...the king would commit suicide and his body would be 'feed' to the grass...yeah, pretty messed up stuff all and all...

(11): One such incident involved an unfortunate skirmish with a crocodile and it's teeth nearly giving Kion the 'Bob Barker' treatment...and the other time Makini accidentally slammed kion's nuts in the furnace grate...and the other time where she accidentally froze his loins solid and nearly shattered them...and then of course the 'bear trap dilemma'...well, you get the idea...

(12): The Roar shaped herb is the sister plant of the sacred Heart-shaped Wakanda herb. A person who ate it was blessed with the 'roar of the ancients' a great mystical power that was said to move mountains...they could only be found in the sacred Mizumi grove...sadly Simba was forced to burn them all when Scar drove the royal family out of the country to keep it out his uncles clutches.

(13): The Crystal Gems found the concept of a 'freak show', so disturbing and offensive. They decided to make their own 'counter-example'. The 'Diversity Extravaganza- rather then have people gawk at oddities/deformities -celebrated how people/gems/whatever were diffrent, humanized them, and even demonstrated how being 'different' could be a huge benefit in practical demonstration show-cases...and before you say anything; YES, Steven was the one who came up with the name...why do you ask?

(14): Finn the Jungle boy and his sister Fionna the Jungle girl were abandoned in africa and raised by a local tribe of anthromorphic dogs and cats. They both grew to be quite the adventurers, they saw the Crystal Gems mission as a worthy cause and joined up! Their death-defying stunts and animal taming has won the hearts of millions across many nations...as well as winning their way into more then one strangers bed...(15)

(15): The term 'has a girl in every port'(or 'boy' in Fionna's case) comes to mind here. On Finn's end we have Princess Bubblegum of the Candy Kingdom, Queen Marceline of the Vampires, Flame Princess of the Fire Kingdom, Susan the strongest girl in the world, the Huntress Wizard, etc. On Fionna's side we have Prince Bubblegum, King Marshal Lee, Flame Prince, etc...

(16): Yes, Rose Quartz is alive. In this world Gem biology allows for people to breed with non-gems without killing themselves. It's just VERY rare, as it was illegal during the times of a gem empire. A 'treasonous activity' worthy of the Death Penalty in the eyes of the Diamond authority.

(17): Yes, Roses actions- proving that a small group of determined rebels can bring down a powerful empire -has inspired every would-be reveloutianry, anarchist wannabe, and anti-authoritarian with an ax to grind all over the world to attempt to do likewise- regardless if it is a good idea or not. Ironically, between the never-ending wars between the hundreds of Gem factions destabalizing that part of the world and surrounding countries as well as the now numerous 'rebel' groups overthrowing pro-democratic/capitalistic governments, running them into the ground due to their lack of any real leadership skills/plans, deligitamzing those instutions to the pubilc as well as driving said toward a government with firmer hand to crush these nuisances...later historains would later begin to see Rose Quartz's actions- both during and after the fall of the Gem Empire -as one of the main contributors to the rise of facism. Many would go further to specualte that without her actions; it would have taken twice, or even three times as long for the various fasict governments to rise to power.

(18): Red couldn't be botherd to give Purple the 'deep six' treatment as being the 'sole head of the Irkin Mob' was about as prestegious as being the local barber these days...well that and Purple was currently in a good position to be his scapegoat for when things went bad.

(19): 'The Tunguska Blast': in the midst of WW1, a great explosion destroyed the Shlorpian nation of Tunguska. To this day the stuborn Shlorpian's will insits it was an asteroid...while the rest of the world see it as them finally getting blown up by the own idiocy(20). In any case, this blast was also largely responsible for the devestation of many neighboring nations such as Amphibia, Equestria, Ithersta, Chima, Ninjago, Atlantis and so many more...thus somehow not only drastically increasing the body count of an already horendous conflict, but also causing massive waves of refugees and imigrants across the world...

(20): The Shlorpians have a long history in messing with things they don't understand, interfering in the matters of others for their own benefit, shrinking people down to put into massive Terrarium's and just being selfish, sociopathic dicks. The only thing preventing other nations from retaltitang in the past was their powerful technology...which thankfully has mostly been destroyed. The few survivors are basically considerded outcasts even among fellow immigrants and refugees...oh, and all Pupa's- secretly being terraforming weapons of mass-destruction -have all been confiscated and destroyed...at least...according to the 'official' story...

(21): Zim first became infamous during a simple smuggling operation. The stuff was only 'illegal' in the loosest sense. In other words the perfect light-weight assignment to give to a novice like Zim on his first mission...within ONE HOUR of taking the assignment he somehow burnt half the Italian Peninsula to the ground, killed the current leader of the Mafia- Don Miyuki -and somehow brought Mussolini to power... After the new Tallest instigated a large military Crackdown that saw the renmants of the Mafia forced to flee to America, the newest Don- Spork -was able to hash out a suprsingly lucrative deal with the Italian Dictator that kept them from being wiped out completely. Despite inital concerns of Spork living up to Miyuki's expectations, they were quickly proved to be groundless. Spork was quick to rebuild the Mafia and make it one of the most powerful crime syndicate's in America, easily rivaling the German and Japanese crime families...his ONLY mistake was- for reasons that STILL elude Red and Purple to this day -forgiving Zim of his mistakes and giving him a second chance. This of course led to the disaster that was the very brief war with the Saints Row gang. Contrary to popular belief, the Saints being armed with water guns wasn't the reason for their spectacularily humiliating defeat. True, the Irkins were violently alergic to water...but the Saints didn't KNOW that. It was just unbelievably bad luck that led them being armed with squirt guns as opposed to REAL guns. No, between Sporks far superior leadership, superior numbers, superior logistics and guns...this SHOULD have been a sure thing in the IRKINS favor...so of course Zim had to get involved. Cobbling together various bits of tech, garbage and nonsense...Zim created an Infinite Energy Absorbing Blob named Cthulu to lead the charge against the Saints...naturally within five seconds it broke free of Zim's control, ate Spork and wiped out most of the Irkin forces. Thankfully the monster shared the Irkin allergy of water, allowing the Saints to kill it and be heralded as heros by the city. Between that, the devestation of the Irkin ranks, embaressing rumors of them being beaten so badly beaten by the squirt guns they released that monster in desperation; this cemented the Saints as a new power in the criminal underworld. Needless to say Red- the highest ranked Irkin to survive the slaughter -and Purple- the only survivng irkin who had family with powerful connections to help the mob stay afloat -were quick to give Zim a 'Chicago overcoat' when they came to power...

(22): That was actually the hardest part of the plan, it took Zim SEVEN hours to realize they'd left the door open for him...and then twelve MORE hours to realize it was 'push' not PULL.

(23): Thus ironically ensuing it's destruction and massive property damage for the Irkin mob without the Saints ever even having to lift a finger!

(24): IT'S NOT THAT BIG!(25)

(25): Shut up Dib!

(26): Essentially the Nazi's and Japanese would build factories and have them air-lifted to the States. Ryan would use his influence and connections to give the factories and the land it was on the same
extraterritoriality priviliges a consulate would enjoy AND sell them all the material they need to keep their assembly lines moving. The factories would then provide millions of jobs to unemployed Americans, thus giving good PR to both Ryan and the Axis powers.

(27): A sweet, rich yet excentric old lady who takes in all maner of orphans- be they human or non -from off the streets and tries to do right by them...she makes her fortune through 'Foster's Cookies'.

(28): She may seem small and caring...but NEVER hurt a child in front of her! You'll get a cane where the sun don't shine faster then you can say 'FOR THE LOVE OF MARY, DON'T!'

(29): Before you all throw a fit, Lilly was never born in this AU.

(30): Technically speaking; them building weapons for them was breaking several international treaties(31)...but giving the factories 'soverign land' gave the Americans plausible deniability, Prime Minsiter Dumbeldore was too much of a pushover to risk making waves, the security and daily mystically binding gag orders made it impossible for what was happening to leak out and the people working were too greatful for the money that put food on the table to risk squealing... 'What good would it accomplish for us to starve our familes for the kooky politcs of a far away land we've never seen?' Is the rationale given by many...

(31): Although those have gotten somewhat more relaxed due to concerns of the Spanish Civil war spilling over to neighboring countires.(32)

(32): Well that's the 'offical' reason at least, the REAL reason was that relaxing said treatise allowed various anti-communist nations to fund the fascists(33).

(33): The vice versa also occured on the communist side, naturally.

(34): Among his many accomplishments; Scrooge was the first Non-human to be allowed to enter the US army...which never would've happend without Teddy's backing.

(35): Scrooge had repeatedly offerd his friend the various mystical amenities that had essentially made him immortal. But Teddy had been too proud to accept them, calling them a 'cheat'...Such a slanderous proclamation would inevitabbly lead to them arguing...which would then lead to them brawling...which would in turn FINALLY ending with them drinking each other under the table and laughing about the whole thing afterwards... 'Heaven help me, but I'm going to miss that basterd.' Scrooge would think later as he PAID- an action that would make many people check Scrooge to make sure he wasn't an imposter, much to his annoyance -for the whole funeral himself.

(36): For crying out loud, if it botherd them so much... Why didn't just re-do the election? If the man's deabatable mental state hadn't been enough of an excuse to do just that, then the fact he only won because a LANDSLIDE killed his opponent and hundreds of voters shoud've bloody well should have!

(37): H. H. Holmes, Dr. Thomas Neill Cream and Sarah Jane Robinson being mere patsy's for Nathaniel's various con's, scemes and 'hobbies.'(38)

(38): Most of these revelations came from circumstantial evidence that had been taken from the surviving scraps of a journal chronicling the adventures of some 'meddling kids' and their rumored 'talking' dog(39)...the last entry showed them planning on inflitrating Nathaniels staff to find something more concrete...they were never heard from again...

(39): The illustrations of which bore a disturbing resemblence to a mounted taxidermy head that Teddy once saw in Northwests trophy room...the last of his infamous 'snacks' still stuck in his teeth while frozen in both terror and agony.

(40): One of his many enemies tried to create a hybride homunculus from his blood to destroy him...but she proved herself smarter, sharper and TOUGHER then the lot. Took down their whole operation and escaped on her own...bless his bagpipes he was proud of her!

(41): The very existence of this sub-specise of Glukkon is denied and deemed high treason to even speak of. Their orgins are unknown, but rumors have run rampant of genetic experiments, occult rituals, technological agumentations and even the involvement of Demons and Djinn... In any case, the few times they are seen are either as covert bodyguards for high-ranking Nazi VIP's or on BLACK-OP missions such as these.

(42): Ostracized by his fellow dragons for being a 'rapespawn' half-Oni hybride, the Dark Dragon fled to the land of his father and found kinship with his distant- sadistic -Oni cousins who work in 'Unit 731'. Between their backing and his intimate knowledge on Dragon anatomy, tactics and culture; he quickly rose through the ranks to the head of the imperial secret police...gleefully leaving a bloody trail through his mothers homeland.

(43): Asclepius medalions are highly coveted. For with the right incantation, it can heal/protect you and/or anyone standing by you from the most lethal poisons and toxins. Regardless of whether you ingested them prior or are about to inhale it.

(44): Serket Scarab's: although similar to the medalion mentioned above in both rarity and function...it is not quite as useful. Yes, a bite from it will render you temporarily immune to most lethal concoctions. But ONLY if you haven't already ingested a large amount of said concoction already. Teddy's scarab- a memento from his days as a president -showed him that all the food and drink was tampered with through it slightly glowing when squeezed. Alas, this revelation came too late. Teddy had only checked it half-way through the party in a moment of suspicion after seeing Preston showing off his medlion.(42) By that point, Teddy andeveryone else had already ingested far too much and were past the point of no return- the scarb showed this by refusing to bite anyone while Teddy discretly tried to save everyone without arosuing suspiscion -save for Scrooge.

(45): Oh, how Tedy had cursed his failing old mind for that! In his youth he'd have had the scarab out and checked all the food BEFORE the party had even started! The only reason he'd been able to save his old friend was because he'd been too busy with his usual party pastime(46) to actually eat or drink anything yet!

(46): Stealing as much free food and drink- he had smuggled a funnel and container in for that last one- as possible from his enemies- well 'annoyance' in Prestons case - as possible.

(47): Assuming of course that some of those corpses weren't just body-doubles and the real 'conspirators' weren't somewhere else getting new faces, identities and enough compensation to make this whole mess worthwhile...

(48): Which...if the person in charge of the decryption team was smart- and was actually the one who invented the encryption in the first place -was something they could easily arrange to happen in a manner that would hold up during any potnetial investigations...

(49): Sadly, he'd been the best choice for this 'assignment'. Although there was many con's, there had been- seemingly -many more pro's in his favor. First of all, the anicent contract that prevented the U.S. government from interfering with his families 'affairs' would've made allying with him too tempting of a prospect for 'conspirators'(both foreign and domestic) to pass up, he was rich and influential enough to form this group of high-ranking 'disidents' without (a lot) of their interferance- which was always good for plausible deniability if this whole thing blew up in their faces- so less risk of a connection found between the two 'groups', he had the right 'morals' for such a task, he already agreed wit their 'employeer's' goals and most importantly he lacked the ambition or cunning to turn the situation against them for his further benefit.

(50): For those wondering why he dosen't just kill Scrooge and be done with it; There's four reasons:

A1: Since this was meant to be STEALTH/clean-up operation, he didn't bring nearly enough firepower and manpower to handle something like Scrooge.

A2: Techincally, he only controled 1/3rd of the soldiers there. The rest was Axis troops. True, they were 'offically' allied...but this was strictly an alliance of convenience. Between the fact it was his 'agent's'- Northwest's -screw up that caused a clusterfuck of what was suppoused to be the 'easy part' of this whole operation and that said clusterfuck brought them against SCROOGE MCDUCK...well, Mr. X frankly wouldn't have been the least bit surprised if had he decided to try and kill Scrooge...the Axis troops would've sided with Scrooge, gunned him down and blamed everything on him instead...it's what he'd have done if the situation was reversed after all.

A3: For the moment, Scrooge is acting like a civilized gentleman and 'playing by the rules'. But if he attacked and Scrooge survived and escaped...all bets were off. Forget pupblic opinion, rule of law, courtrooms and procedure...he'd just come AFTER them! And you only had to ask BOTH the FORMER lord's of R'lyeh and Yellow(51) how much a bad idea it was to do just that during the battle of Innsmouth.(52)

A4: It's SCROOGE FREAKING MCDUCK!

(51): Both plaines of existence have now since become subsidiaries of McDuck enterprise...

(52): An aspiring young writer named H. P. Lovecraft had been doing research on the strange pantheon of eldritch fiends that resided in that town...but after seeing Scrooge beat the crap out of all of them...he lost all interest in writng about those 'wimps'. He is now currently trying to convince Scrooge to let him write about his adventures instead...

(53): Pacifica didn't count. Putting aside Preston's misogyny, it was against Northwest tradition to designate an heir before their 18th birthday...this was done to discourage mutinous progoney giving their parents and...'early retirment'...

(54): The current situation dosen't count. The axis troops were agents of a foreign country, the splicers were 'technically' more 'private security agency' then government agency and Preston had given them permission to meddle in this case.

(55): And that's not hyperbole, Preston LITERALLY sold out his mother after she had that scandolus affair with president Taft.

(56): Play either 'Short Skirt, Long Jacket By Cake' or 'The Click Five, Just the Girl' as Pacifica's theme. You can't go wrong either way.

(57): Poor Scrooge...he'd never know how badly he got played...well, at least until his Ex- Goldie O'Gilt -started to scout Pacifica as a potential apprentice...

AN: Want me to continue this? I'm willing to take Bribes! Go to my P,a,t,r,e,o,n account!

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Author's Note

ANNOUNCEMENT!

I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED!

SUMMARY:
On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?!

The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble.

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https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963

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https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898

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If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911

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AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't.
But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account

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