By opening this book, and reading these words that may be the last I will ever write, I now induct you as the last remaining agent of S.M.I.L.E, the Security of Magical Investigation for Laughs in Equestria. I am, or was agent Dark Noir, director of S.M.I.L.E. inlaid in this book is my experiences for a little more than half a year. I hope you find somewhere I made a folly, somewhere I did not look in my experiences that Equestria's enemies hid from my sight, from my ears, from my hooves.
Good luck director...
Today was the afternoon before the summer sun celebration. Dark Noir was outside of one of the few interrogation rooms. Although Dark wouldn't have called them that. Instead of the many ways to unnerve a pony he could think of, the table was the perfect height, several paintings, not very expensive ones, hung on the walls, and a selection of plush cushions, both for questioner and questionee. Then again, this was Canterlot, perhaps the cheapness of the room would unnerve some of the richer ponies.
He was here because Celestia had turned down all 34 suggested plans for her, as is his job as the director of S.M.I.L.E. to do when an extinction class threat to Equestria is about to rear its head. While nopony actually knows that Celestia's sister was driven mad by feelings of social isolation, a not isolated case, but when a being of enough power cracks, it gets noticed easily, is coming back a thousand years after she was banished with no input from Celestia on the matter, as far as Dark could tell, it was Celestia's punishment as much as it was her sister's.
Point is, he was taking a case because Celestia, instead of taking one of his many suggestions to apprehend her sister and bring her to one of the many facilities that now specializes in treating what is coined, 'Pariah Syndrome', has rejected them all, and sent her current student, number 7 if his records are correct, which they usually are, Twilight sparkle, to the town closest to where her sister was banished to the moon. Foolish.
In the meantime, he snagged a case that would have went to one of his agents here in Canterlot, while most citizens outside of the incident were told that the area was cordoned off for illegal use of magic, a catch-all excuse. Both Dark Noir and the guards knew the whole story, a unicorn with some sort of hooflet, a new fashion accessory popping up in the past decade, in which a chain is put around the fetlock like a necklace, had blown up a city block, everypony evacuated before the trouble started, but that left the guards with shaky eyewitness accounts, no suspects, and no clues except for guesses what the motive for destroying the area would be.
Dark Noir, as the director of one of the most secretive official organizations, wasn't here as himself. No, he was here as Amorous Aurora, unfortunately being the only pony in the S.M.I.L.E Canterlot disguise pool who was both knowledgable about complex thaumaturgical theory and pony psychology, while being a close acquaintance with the local garrison, he could only pick her. Yes, her, for Amorous Aurora was a mare, so it was with no reluctance, that had disappeared after doing this job for so long, that he used the standard S.M.I.L.E "Maren's dye" spell on his grey coat to turn it light blue, a weight distribution spell, normally used on objects, with the side effect on living beings be a literal mass shift, which if you weren't using it in the capacity S.M.I.L.E was with the training to go along with it, usually meant a trip to the hospital to have the spell reversed and your quite necessary organs being put back where they belong. This instance, shifting his mass into a more marish shape.
Finally, a quite ingenious spell of his own involving a bastardization of the Maren's Dye spell and Starswirls Modern Disjunction, a spell which replaces a magical aura for another of the casters choosing, with "modern" being a misnomer considering Starswirl lived and invented his spell almost a thousand years ago. This spell of Dark Noir's however allowed him to create a cutiemark on the spot, of which normally would be quite impossible, as cutiemarks were manifestations of a pony's internal magic circuits and couldn't be changed without rewiring their whole thaumatic system, and would thus be impossible to use Modern Disjunction on... Dark noir however didn't have that issue, so a red Heart in a beaker his, or rather aurora's, cutiemark is to be.
Making sure his mane and tail, a swirl of light red and deep purple, laid straight and weren't at any odd angles before he was called in. Putting a hoof on the door, Dark- Rather, Amorous Aurora walked in. Inside the room, a Cream colored mare with a one-toned Cyan Mane was sitting at the table, her back half covered by the guard, more lenient with the color-changing enchantments color range, was a light grey and sitting with his back facing him.
"Miss Light Blend, this is one of our consultants. Amorous Aurora, a professor at Canterlot University, she'll be asking some questions." Generic guard pony said; Although the genericness was more protection on their part, hard for a criminal to target one of them if he doesn't know which one is which. Never stopped an insane convict from just attacking guards indiscriminately though.
"That would be quite alright." Light blend intoned, her voice giving that small inflection of insecurity, probably at the fact that she's both being considered the only suspect, and that her reason for being a suspect is that she claims something of hers was stolen.
"I won't take up too much longer of your time miss Light Blend, you'll be out of here faster than a thaumic charge can pass through a Cortical Bone structure." Dark Noir Intoned in a light cheery tone as he sat down, Decades of disguising himself giving him quite a vocal range, none of them would suspect Aurora wasn't exactly a mare. "I understand you claim the blueprints for a Positive Emotional Feedback Reaction Matrix was stolen the night before the current incident you have been informed of?"
"y-yes." Her one-word answer was probably brought on by the Personality of Aurora, and the cheeriness of her tone during what is no doubt an interrogation.
"I quite find that hard to believe, A PEFR Matrix is still theorized to be a Decade off with our current knowledge of thaumic theory." Dark intoned. While he knew a PEFR was quite far off, a NEFR, or Negative Emotional Feedback Reaction had been invented a millennium ago by a Mad Tyrant to the North. His name was unimportant to Dark Noir at this moment.
"well.. it still is miss Aurora. The drawing of the matrix contained several theoretical connections." Light blend circled a hoof on the table as she said this, looking down.
Dark resisted the instinctual urge to squint his eyes in thought, it was already hard to create a Matrix, essentially a magic drawing that acted like a pony's internal magical Circuit, but for a single purpose. It was even harder to create one out of Theoretical Magical connections, even if it was only a drawing and not an actual thaumaturgical construct.
"If the Matrix contains several theoretical connections, then why did you come to the guards with the concern that the pony who destroyed the block was the thief?" Dark had to resist showing his annoyance at the mare, as Amorous was a happy-go-lucky Average Pony, Unfortunately, Dark Noir was not.
"Because," She began with a head dip, "The hooflet the mare was wearing was the same accessory I drew the Matrix on the outside of."
"And you didn't think of coming to the guard and informing them of this directly after the incident took place because?" Dark couldn't help but let a little of his snark bleed through the disguise, despite his experience. He wasn't worried about this destroying his cover, however, as the guard next to him seemed to be fuming even more than Dark felt like doing at the moment.
Light Blend pinned her ears back, a sign that either she was ashamed, or that she was angry at the accusation. Dark couldn't tell; for some reason, this mare was springing all his alarms, but so far, her story and body language, aside from not going to the guard immediately, showed no guilt, and the report on the theft clearly stated that the matrix was written on a fashion accessory. She also described the scene similarly to the other ponies who witnessed the event.
Dark sighed before beginning. "Thank you Miss Light Blend, that'll be all the questions I have."
Better to let the guards continue the questioning from here. Dark thought as he walked out of the room. The whole thing left a bad taste in his mouth. He'd have to see if he could have better luck at the Scene.
North Briar Street was a mess. Dark noted that the destruction wasn't able to be accurately portrayed in a report. The entrance to the street was cordoned off not with the tape that most ponies would think of, but large paper cones painted red and white. Each one, of which there were three for a street this wide, had a guard posted next to it in charge of keeping anyone out.
A quick Dark blue glow of his horn on a spell from Gale's Chronology series gave him the time of day, which told him he only had 9 hours before the guard was forced to relinquish information to the public on the events. And without a lead or massive progress, the guard will have to dedicate more ponypower to keeping ponies from panicking, which as herd animals, could spiral out of control to dangerous proportions in Canterlot or other large cities.
Dark Noir stepped up to the guards, no disguise this time. His actual identity, still hidden behind several layers of falsification so that those not in the know or high enough on the chain of command to know small snippets, was enough to get into the scene of the incident. He ran a few strands of telekinesis through his short dark blue mane.
With identification detailing him as an agent of the crown, nothing more, nothing less, with several magical seals of authenticity needing enough knowledge on both complex spell weaving and having closely studied Celestia's magic to replicate. He was let through with the guard having a clear question on his tongue as he stared at Dark's Flank. It seemed the guard thought better of it as Dark was already past the pony before the guard continued their impression of fidgeting statues.
He looked around in the middle of the destruction, the entire marble and granite street was scorched. The granite road at the epicenter was smooth unlike the rest of the Sett patterned street, which is impressive considering much of the scorching was consistent with mana scorching. Either the pony who did this Deliberately melted the Granite under their hooves, or they were outputting enough thaumic charge to create an enormous amount of waste heat, which, while it wouldn't create an illusion of a star during the day, would explain why no eyewitnesses could describe the unicorn as much more than that, they would have been nearly blinded just looking this way.
The marble shops on either side of the street had most of their product either half scorched or incinerated. A cursory search led him to believe the destruction wasn't systematic, as any safe or cash register wasn't left unharmed. So the motive of greed was thrown farther out the window.
Dark would have to check for links between the store owners or their product. It was still possible that this was motivated by revenge or competition. Although he couldn't think for the life of him why 7 different types of stores would all have a common competitor, he wouldn't rule it out just yet.
With heavy hooves Dark Noir left the scene, the nagging feeling from earlier was back, that just something was wrong with the scene, but he just couldn't put his horn on it. Ponies don't just randomly start outputting enough thaumic energy to power the enchantments on the castle for years. A Thaumic reaction provided by a PEFR is even more unlikely, as it would have to run off of positive emotions, and the urge to destroy everything in sight isn't exactly a positive emotion in his book.
Dark Noir Rubbed the base of his horn with his hoof. He was inside his office at the S.M.I.L.E Central communications Center. This was an underground complex on no maps Dark was aware of, not even the city's original building plans. Inside his quite sparse but roomy office was a desk in which he was currently sat at was piled high with reports on the PEFR theft and the incident at North Briar Street. to the left was a small table with a faux automatic Xenial stylus, Its use was still too expensive to the majority of pony society. It was little more than an enchanted stone stick that would write down whatever was sent to it via a certain spell taught to most agents. His was obviously not one to receive any from any agents as the director, that was what the other Command Agents were for.
All the was left was a clock ticking by on the far wall facing him above the door, beyond which he knew the compound by heart, as outside his door was the hallway which contained doors to the other support staff or command agents. The ones who would actually receive stationed agents' before and after-action reports. After that was the Cafeteria, filled with food magically prepared by complex enchantments, not much for taste, but S.M.I.L.E Agents won't complain, most bring food from home. through the cafeteria is a basement which leads up to one Hearts and Hoove's bakery, owned by one miss Loon Loveheart, a ponysona that the mare who dons it enjoys so much she's decided to keep it. The shop certainly sells an assortment of sweets and even has some special items for Hearts and Hoove's day you can't get elsewhere, but the most important is the code phrase that allows agents access to S.M.I.L.E.
"I'd like a blueberry cupcake with no frosting and only lime-colored sprinkles."
Regardless, he was at a dead end. Nopony knew the exact appearance of the mare that had attacked North Briar Street, there was no connection between the shops or their owners, three of which were in fact on bad terms. All products in the shops were accounted for, and the melted bits in the shops were on weight with reported estimates, so nothing was stolen. The anonymity deadline was in thirty minutes, and staying up through most of the night was not doing him any favors. It would be morning soon, Celestia's sister would be free to try and take over once more in less than an hour, and he was stuck here in a dead-end case. Even worse, twenty minutes ago, he got a report that Celestia had disappeared from her retinue.
"That mare sometimes makes me-" Dark paused. "Wait, mare?" He had already ruled out purposeful destruction of the granite road, which meant the Unicorn would have to be giving off so much waste heat and energy that it would be impossible to tell much more than that they were a unicorn from their silhouette.
In fact, he mused as he was already racing out of his office, any writings or accessories would also be impossible to discern. so how had Light Blend known that the Unicorn was both a mare and was wearing her specific hooflet?
He breached out of the bakery, not even bothering with a disguise. Time was of the essence, and he only had twenty-seven minutes to get to where he needed to be.
The Canterlot streets were sparse and quiet this time of night when most are awaiting Celestia to raise the sun on the longest day of the year together. While the occasional pony would be out and about, far off the road in a park or some late-night establishment, there was nary a hoof to stop his mad gallop. He burst into a house in lower Canterlot, his frame breaking the hinges with his abandon. Ignoring the pain in his withers he raced through the house, finding very little. The Living area looked barely touched, Kitchen was barely stocked, Bed hardly slept in. All Dark Noir could find was what Light Blend claimed was stolen, the original drawings of the Positive Emotional Feedback Reaction Matrix, And it made his blood run cold.
There was only one other place he could find Light Blend, The Canterlot University for Higher thaumaturgical learning. The only place which would have enough equipment to make this abomination, and her place of work.
He didn't care about the Deadline anymore, He didn't have time to check what time it was, although Dark was sure it was past it. No, he was going to save this mare from what she wrought if it was the last thing he did. Galloping through the Streets, he could feel his ears splayed back. He wouldn't let it happen again, he wouldn't let- Let what happen? Dark almost paused before reaffirming his steps and continuing, that line of thought all but forgotten as he barged the strangely unlocked doors of the University open.
The room he came to, Light Blends research room, Granted on a short stipend, Pitifully short in fact considering her research topic, he saw her. That frazzled Cyan tail, and her cutiemark, a cup of coffee with a stirrer. The twitching form of the cream-colored mare bent over one of the tables. The room had plenty, being an actual classroom used for lab experiments. The lights weren't on, but he didn't need them to see her, Light blend was lit up in a black tinged cream-colored thaumic aura.
"Light blend, Please-"
"go away! I can fix this!" She shouted at Dark, her voice manic as the aura grew slightly bigger.
"no Light Blend, I n-" Dark was interrupted as she looked behind her at him. Her eyes were as manic as her voice.
"You don't think I can do this either, nobody does, well Just go away!" she yelled at Dark, not giving him a chance to even respond as he felt himself be lifted in her telekinetic grasp before being shoved towards the wall, Unfortunately, with that much charge, his sidelong rush wasn't arrested by the wall.
With a deafening crash, the wall crumbled. Dark coughed, feeling a tender rib or two before looking up at the sound of clopping. Light Blend had walked through the hole she made with his grey form, The Hooflet around her fetlock and her horn once more charged up, which Dark rolled out of the way to his hooves as she blasted the spot he was laying at moments ago with pure thaumic charge.
"listen to-" he began, beginning to strafe around the rubble before being once more interrupted by another beam.
No more trying with words then, the feedback was too advanced. He couldn't use many conventional thaumic duel tactics. His own thaumic charge wouldn't hold a candle to what she was giving off, so he had to improvise. His Cobalt Blue aura surrounded his sharp horn, unlike many other unicorns with blunted tips. The light flickering amongst the overwhelming thaumic radiance of Light Blend.
Three beams were sent his way, two were deflected with a Hooflight's mirror barrier before the aura constructs shattered to nothing, bringing pain to Dark Noir's horn that he ignored. The last barely missed, causing his side to heat up before it struck the faux grass of the lawn. The crackling of a fire starting was ignored by both as Dark Noir broke into a gallop, he had little room to maneuver near the rubble-strewn wall.
Stepping onto the Lawn, he looked behind when none of the expected beams came. Light blend stepped through the small wall of fire that had started, its radiance eclipsed by hers, the ground beneath her not even gaining the chance to ignite, being directly turned to ash.
Dark Noir was out of options. He wanted to wait to use it when Celestia's sister eventually bested her student who had no formal thaumic combat training, but both he and Light blend would die here if he did. He looked back at his flank, he couldn't remember much from the first time he cast the spell, but this always struck him, where his cutie mark was supposed to be, there was but a patch of burnt fur.
He looked back at Light Blend, the mare was smirking. He didn't know who hurt her, why they hurt her, or how they hurt her enough to have her resort to this, but she was waiting, happy to see someone put in her position, unsure what to do.
He was going to disappoint her.
His horn glowed brighter, He could feel it, Light Blend wasn't a threat to Equestria, so he couldn't bring the full might of the spell to the forefront, but Canterlot was a big city full of some of the best and brightest unicorns. He could feel the unique Matrix of the spell, intertwined with his own Internal Circuit converting the snippets of magic he stole, barely enough for a pony to even notice it was gone before it was replenished.
Normally, that magic would be unusable, but the spell was converting it to his own circuits. After doing this for decades, he had become accustomed to the bloated feeling. His own thaumic field formed, still outshined by Light Blend's, but at least he wouldn't instantly turn to pony ash by getting close to her.
They both moved. Many of their muscles moving faster than their mental impulses could catch up so saturated with magic were they. Her beams were deflected, the Thaumic Mirrors didn't shatter this time as he sent them towards Light blend, Encasing her as they grew bigger.
That lasted all of a second as she overwhelmed the spells with pure energy, Sending another barrage Dark's way. Her repertoire of attack spells may be pitifully small, but her raw thaumic power made up for it. he rolled out of the way and looking behind himself at hearing the beams strike nothing, and was alarmed to see he was already at the edge of the lawn, and Canterlot itself.
A telekinetically charged charge solved that issue, as he ducked and jumped over beams before getting a solid strike to Light Blend's side with a hoof, his own Thaumic aura lightening as it expended itself protecting him from the heat of hers.
Light Blend stumbled, her eyes refocusing and beginning to back up while laying even more beams in a wide sweep towards Dark. Her eyes were no longer manic, they were scared, she was losing.
Dark couldn't even get close, so focused on dodging the barrage when he suddenly realized that they had stopped. Looking up, Light Blend was trying to keep her balance from tipping over the edge of the city. Taking his chance, he rushed towards her, grabbing her and pushing her down on the edge of the lawn, keeping her there and preventing her from falling off.
"Who hurt you!?" Dark yelled over the hum of their thaumic auras colliding. Light Blend only shook her head.
"I said who hurt you!?" He shouted more forcefully, draining his already thin Thaumic aura to put even more force into the words.
"Everypony!" She yelled, her fear palpable... Buck it, Celestia outlawed the spell as dark magic, Well, that mare wasn't stopping him from saving this one. The spell on his horn, he touched the base of her horn with the tip of his. The world went white.
"Wants to be among the greatest-"
"Doesn't even have a talent for-"
"She'll fail and a real-"
"Doesn't need a real lab, just-"
"Failure."
"Wannabe."
"Worthless!"
Dark plunged back into reality with a crack. nothing but the air in his hooves, and his thaumic aura was all but gone. The Lawn couldn't take the auric Pressure anymore... and collapsed, sending Light Blend down a very steep fall.
He moved before he was even conscious of it, the air rushing past his mane, he could see Light blend far below him, he looked left and right, no pegasi to come to the rescue, and he couldn't arrest both their falls, you couldn't just lift yourself with telekinesis without enough power, or a cutie mark in magic, to break thaumic laws. It would be like trying to lift yourself over a ledge that didn't exist.
His scanning didn't catch any feathered ponies, but did catch a rainbow-colored flash off in a forest somewhere below them. Dark's eyes reflected the brief color.
"With heart and hooves I do declare."
"To protect all I see and care."
"My destiny freely given."
"Protection for all, Newly Arisen!"
he squinted against the air as he looked down at Light Blend as his voice echoed in his mind. The words felt distant, like someone else had spoken them, but it was definitely his voice he remembered. They were both now at terminal velocity, and without wings, he couldn't catch up, unless he did something stupid.
All of Equestria's magic was at his beck and call for its defense. He knew that from his decades of serving it, while normally he wouldn't even try calling upon it twice, that was just asking for trouble, and not the clean kind, but if that flash was what he thought...
It was there, still lingering, he could feel more of it, raw, unbridled, but he instinctively knew that mass wouldn't obey his call, even if the entire world were ending. The free-floating stuff was no longer part of that mass, quickly dissipating, so he strained, and scooped it up like a foal playing in a sandbox.
It bypassed his spell, dumped directly into a magic circuit, and it burned, oh it burned, but one thought burned even more in his mind, that he'd feel even worse if this pony below him died.
Dark's Thaumic aura blazed into intensity once more, He was sure if someone looked up at Canterlot right now, they'd seem like two stars falling to Equestria. Buck the thaumic laws; a large thaumic pane appeared under his hooves as he shot off of it, giving him even more speed before he figured that wasn't enough. the thaumic aura, like Celestia's free-flowing mane, quite literally reached in front of him and grabbed the air, pushing it apart, speeding his descent even more.
Light Blend chose that moment to look back up, seeing him getting closer. "Leave me alone! I can't even die correctly, taking somepony else with me..."
Her last words were nearly lost over the sound of the air rushing past.
"I don't care!" He was surprised at both the content and strength of his voice. "I have dreams too! Dreams of saving everypony I can, I won't let anypony tell me differently, not you, not the princess, not even myself! Now let me help you!"
Dark Noir reached out his hoof towards her, they were close enough that All she had to do was grab it. He could see the ground approaching. If she didn't-
Light Blend grasped his hoof tightly, a small smile on her face, her own thaumic aura dissipating. He strained, pulling her close and hanging on tight to her, he summoned the Thaumic pane once more, before gripping himself in his telekinetic grasp. The crack of bones impacting a surface didn't escape his ears, but the expected pain escaped his senses as he could feel the wind slowing down, his aura spreading out like a parachute, trying to grasp as much air as possible to slow them down.
It ended abruptly as it started, all of it, his thaumic aura, the wind, their fall, he couldn't feel anything, except the mare still in his death clutch, not the grass all around them at the bottom of the mountain, not the breeze gently blowing it around, not even the warmth of the sun as it rose, signaling that Celestia's sister did not in fact murder one twilight sparkle in cold blood and went on to conquer Equestria.
He looked at the mare in his hooves. Today did not go at all how he expected.
The journey up the mountain wasn't pleasant for Dark Noir, his entire body had ached, his withers felt like they were on fire, and he was pretty sure he shouldn't have been walking on three of his four legs, so he walked on two of those three, the third wrapped over the withers of Light Blend.
When they got to the top, he let Light Blend go back to living her life, this time on an actual PEFR instead of the bastardization she somehow made putting the strands of a NEFR with what she had already invented. He had obviously asked where she got her hands on the Instructions for creating a Negative emotional Feedback Reaction, considering she shouldn't have even known what that was, let alone how to make one. All he got was that she only vaguely remembered being given it by a pony, but not what the pony looked like or sounded like.
He also turned in the hooflet to the guards, citing it as a dangerous magical artifact to be turned into the crown's custody. Paperwork about a fake pony being detained by fake guards in a fake cell in Canterlot was then created and distributed to be lost in the miasma that was bureaucracy. The papers got their questions answered and thankfully the journalists were delayed by the kingdom's "new" princess. Which was more important than some pony destroying property which was then all insured and rebuilt within a few days.
That was nearly a month ago. He was sure the crown- Crowns, were curious why he hadn't yet come to meet or interrogate Equestria's newest princess yet, and nor could they order him to come. S.M.I.L.E, while under the oversight of the ruling monarchs, the Rulers of Equestria actually had less say than the Director in how things were handled by the agency.
Dark Noir actually had almost full autonomy, with only a few contingencies that could be enacted by the princesses upon pre-approved situations.
He also had to wait for his injuries from his impromptu flight off the side of Canterlot to heal. Three broken ribs, a sprained wither, a simple fracture in three of his legs, and severe mana burn. Which was when the magic circuits in a pony, usually unicorns, but the other tribes have been known to get it, were overworked, usually signalled by severe whole-body numbness.
Tonight however, he was to take the measure of Luna, he remembered her as the princess of dreams and night, with her full title being Ruler of the Night, Mistress of Dreams, and Grand General.
He paused at that last one, Equestria hadn't had a standing army in hundreds of years. No book he would have read would have even a reference to that title. Compounded with his recent strange dreams of a while unicorn colt who was subpar at magic. He was starting to wonder what was wrong with him.
Those questions would have to wait however, the soundproofing enchantments were ready, and the moon would need to be lowered soon. He looked at the bed Luna was lying on, her standard colors of purple and black decorating the circular mattress.
"nyeeh..." Luna groaned tiredly, her eyes blinking, adjusting to the dark room. Her eyes passed over where dark was standing, before she got off the bed and walked over to the balcony. Her horn aglow with her cyan magic as the moon began to lower.
"Princess Luna." Dark began, before pausing as Luna jumped, the moon instantly dipping below the horizon. she turned around, her horn still aglow, but no spell came from it. As he hoped, Luna wouldn't think about dual-casting in the moment, and just tried to cast the spell to lower the moon on him. Well, as a pony, and not a Lunar body, he can safely say it didn't work.
"Who dost be in our quarters trying to sneak up on us?!" She shouted in what the royals called the royal canterlot voice. He could feel the enchantments strain, working hard to keep the sound contained in this room. Unfortunately, since he suspected that he wouldn't be strong enough for sound canceling enchantments, these enchantments merely redirected the sound. That meant the smaller diarch's voice was deafening in this room.
He expected that outcome since he was the one who placed those enchantments, and proper spells were in place to prevent hearing loss.
"Dark Noir, Director of S.M.I.L.E." he intoned, he had to give a brave front, while he doubted that the night diarch would actually attack him, if it actually came down to it, his meager magical reserves, enough to cast a full transfiguration spell once, should see him escape, but not much else.
"Thou art the knave who our sister has warned will come interrogate us?" She questioned, seemingly calming down. Good.
"Both connotations of knave in both past and present meanings of the word are insulting. I am not a colt, and neither am I servant to the now Diarchy... Nor am I a skulking thief." Dark noir added that last part as an afterthought. "I serve Equestria, for better or ilk."
"And we are the princess of Equestria, that doth mean we are Equestria." She shook her head.
"While still having a monarchy, now a diarchy, the nature of delegation Cel- Princess Celestia was forced to pursue in the hundreds of years past means that it is no longer an absolute monarchy. Celestial now delegates lawmaking and such to a form of legislative body. The quite startling fact is all three royals could disappear, and Equestria would continue on with no interruptions... After mourning you three of course." He nodded at the end of his off-hoof explanation. He could tell she bristled at the thought of Equestria moving on without her.
"Perhaps thou art right..." She deflated. He was glad. While other races may laugh at what ponies have coined as Pariah Syndrome, it was quite a dangerous thing for them. This was when a pony believed the entire 'herd', usually consisting of their friends, no longer paid attention to them. It eventually led to feelings of alienation, perceived social stigmatism, recklessness, and the worst cases ended with the pony ending it all.
However, he knew it doesn't just go away like that. He was sure Celestia hadn't been letting her sister out of her sights for too long, otherwise it would be worse than this. Ponies still feared her alter ego nightmare moon. If she went out there and was harshly rejected, she could absolutely revert back to being withdrawn.
"Yes, now for the actual reason I am here. Princess Luna, Ruler of Night, Mistress of Dreams, and Grand General of the now defunct Armies of Dusk, I hereby declare you fit for leadership and battle."
"Gleaming Sword, We hereby declare thou ready for leadership and battle."
Dark resisted shaking his head at the sense of deja vu.
"Finally, as a requirement of your station, you are now required... To make some friends." Dark finished suspensefully.
"Huh? Thou art requiring us to... Make with friendship?" He loved it when she made that confused face, her ears to the side as she lowered her head. Always made her look less like the near immortal alicorn she was, and just another pony.
"I would suggest beginning with your saviors, the Elements. Perhaps you should see about visiting them during the holiday that was started to reduce fear of your manifestation of loneliness." He nodded. "Yes, I believe that would be after this year's gala, which should be enough time to finish solving your language problem. Quite frankly, nopony talks in thees and thous anymore."
With that said, he took a step backwards as the darkness engulfed him-
-And deposited him at his desk. An Artifact which only the director of S.M.I.L.E had access to allowing instant teleportation to their office. Magical Artifacts were thusly named for their age or immense power, or sometimes merely by virtue of achieving an effect that nopony could reliably replicate.
He sighed into his hooves, as much as he was flattered his opinion of the ruling monarchs was wanted, the reality was he could do horse apples about it even if he deemed them unfit. Celestia was loved by all ponies as the mare who could do no wrong, Mi Amore Cadenza was barely even involved in the political maneuvers of her station, and despite what the press and terrified ponies actually said or thought to themselves, none of them actually saw Luna as an enemy.
This meant he couldn't use the same Matrix he used to save Light Blend. Which meant he was a regular middle age unicorn who could barely muster enough thaum to teleport, let alone defeat an alicorn. Drained of thaum, they still had the strength of earth ponies and the flight of pegasi.
Speaking of the Elements, Twilight Sparkle, the prodigious student of Celestia had settled down inside the town of Ponyville, where coincidentally the other Elements of harmony have lived for quite a while before the six mares found that they were chosen by one of the most powerful artifacts Equestria has ever known.
And he had to take a visit there. One of his agents was retiring, and it was one of his jobs as the director to relinquish the agent's vigil.
Field Agents weren't entirely just posted to a town and left there to observe for civil unrest, pony life was surprisingly civil. There would be an occasional hoof fight, but while all might not be forgiven at the end, no charges of assault would be filed. And S.M.I.L.E wasn't the secret guard either, S.M.I.L.E's job was to be the first line of defence against terrible threats to equestria after the Elements of Harmony would no longer respond to Celestia. With that in mind, agents were the first in line to discreetly deal with the situation, if discreet wasn't an option, they would blend in with the town, sending a message to CCC, and help the town in a method that wouldn't destroy their cover. If the situation was terrible, they would send agents from nearby towns to help either deal with the situation, or evacuate the town.
If the agent deemed it an extinction class scenario that nopony was prepared for, they would send for the director, who would use their power to unlock the vault, take any artifact they might and would need, before heading out to deal with the situation. This has only happened two times before, each one during a different director's term.
Regardless, because any threat that would come into the notice of S.M.I.L.E's field agents would be visible from at least a town away, Agents were allowed to terminate their vigil at any time given a sufficient reason, the director would then approve or deny this termination from their office. Only, he was visiting personally because this agent was taught by Dark himself.
The train ride down to Ponyville was uneventful, and Dark hoofed through a magazine to pass the time. He was less reading the magazine, and more thinking about how his job was going to be defunct soon. What he did when saving Light blend wasn't actually S.M.I.L.E's job, and was him taking a job from the guard because he felt like a petulant child being told by Celestia 'no, now shut up, the adults are scheming'.
There was no conceivable way all the perfect matches for the Elements of Harmony were just living in ponyville. This had to have been years in the making, one which had to be targeting his agency, but why?
The screeching of the train stopped his train of thought. The attendants motioned for those whose stop was ponyville to get off, Dark followed along.
He had cast the spell to disguise his cutiemark, or lack thereof, before he left the office. A fanciful bit of musical notes being carried along a breeze was what he decided. He wouldn't need an elaborate backstory, not for just dismissing an agent.
The door of the shop rang with the tiny tinkle of the bell as he opened it. The place was filled with all manner of sugary goods, and slightly filled with ponies enjoying them.
"I'd like a blueberry cupcake with no frosting, and lime colored sprinkles." He said when he approached the counter.
"Director?!" The mare across the counter gasped in surprise.
Dark chuckled. "Yes, Pinkie, it's me. Do you have enough time for a chat?"
The bubblegum mare's eyes went wide before yelling out. "Mrs Cake! New pony plan number 58!" Before she calmly bounced around the counter and began heading for the door, Dark in tow.
-and then she was like grrrr, you meanie, you've hurt my friends and we don't like meanies and she kicked him in the snoot!" Pinkie laughed. A mix between a guffah and a snort.
"An admiral lesson for the bearer of kindness, not only did she face her fears, but perhaps may have learned that being kind sometimes requires you to be mean." Dark nodded as he finished speaking. They had stopped over ponyville bridge, just outside of the surrounding buildings that made up ponyville.
"Pinkie pie-" Dark began before being interrupted by the mare beside him.
"Im serious about quitting director. While your lessons and the goal of the agency is great. I'm the element of laughter now. I imagine I'll be bringing it to all of equestria now. Not just ponyville." Her figure was no longer bouncing, although the bubbly voice still remained. Dark almost sighed.
"When you first wandered into the agency, do you know what the recruiter wrote in your report?" Dark began. "Impatient, hyperactive, unfit for training."
"You still proved them wrong."
The pink mares's ears drooped, her hoof grinding back and forth on the ground in a rare display of shyness. "Only because you knew how to get me to listen."
Dark chuckled. "You were the first pony since the fourth Director to choose the director as a mentor. It surprised me." He ended his sentence with a smile at the mare.
"Stop that."
A smile which immediately became a confused frown. "Stop what?"
"Stop smiling without smiling!" The mare bounced up from her spot, forcing her face into his, causing him to take a step back and crouch down slightly to avoid a head on head collision.
"Stop smiling like you don't mean it, like you have nothing to live for. I tried! Celestia knows I tried to get a smile, a real one out of you. But any time it feels like an icepick being rammed down my cutiemark!" Pinkie was nearly screaming that at the top of her lungs. The only reason she hadn't continued was that she took a deep breath.
"Pinkie, I-" dark began before the cotton candy mare once more shoved herself at him.
"No Dark, I need to know now, before im no longer your student, everything you taught me, from avoiding sightlines, to surprising others to help guide their emotional reactions! All of it works of everypony else but you!" The mare stopped at this point, dark could barely get a word in edgewise with the pink mare, and he was nearly about to tip over the edge of the bridge to the stream down below.
"Why are you hurting director?" The mare said with a note of finality, her eyes looking up at him instead of down at him, tears nearly in her eyes.
Dark turned around, putting a fetlock over the edge of the bridge before taking a breath. "I've done this job for decades pinky, I don't-"
"Seven years Dark." Pinky interrupted him.
"Huh?" He intoned as he turned his neck to look at her.
"The current S.M.I.L.E has only been in operation for seven years Dark. For Celestia's sake, you're only 34." The mare now seemed to be looking at him worriedly.
Was it only seven years? But Dark remembered it being longer, the Cutiepox disaster of Pinehoof was atleast 30 years ago, and he remembered personally stopping it.
Or did he? His head hurt, trying to reconcile his childhood home, that of an upper canterlot household, and the image of Pinehoof, it's streets covered in panicking ponies.
"Dark... You need a vacation." Pinky said, back to her normal pace, sugar crazed. "Oo, oo, I bet Manehattan would be great! We're also sending a tree to Apploosa with applejack soon GASP, you could come on vacation with us!" The mare was ecstatic with energy, which only made Darks headache worse.
"Pinkie-"
"Or you could probably use your fancy unicorn spells you're always going on about to visit Cloudsdale! I bet you could spend some time with the Wonderbolts with your clout, which would make Rainbow-"
"PINKIE-"
"MaybewecouldgetalltheelementstogetherandsendyoutothemoonbutnotaslongasLunabecauseathousandyearsistoolongforavacationand-"
"PINKIE!" Dark finally shouted over her more and more implausible vacationing plans for him. The mare froze mid bounce, not because of any outwards acting force, but just sheer pinkie. And probably a little unconscious thaumic phenomenon, but he wasn't a researcher and didn't care so much how it was possible.
"As much as I would like to go on vacation. There is too much work to be done as the director."
"Like what?" The bouncy mare asked seriously.
"Like-" Dark paused, S.M.I.L.E,s job was just made redundant be the Element's return, and thus the director's job. Sure the elements couldn't be everywhere at once, but that only gave the agents work. His job was to deal with problems the Element bearers would now be solving.
"Like... Uh, organizing paperwork, writing up contingencies, organizing artifacts..." He said, trying to look anywhere but her eyes.
Fat chance of that, as she shoved her face into his once more, keeping several long seconds of unblinking eye contact. "Okay!"
The mare moved away from him, her face smiling once more.
"But do at least try to get a break sometime Dark. The Director isn't unkillable, unaging sure, but not unkillable." Dark wasn't even going to ask how she knew that the directors didn't age. For all he knew with his current memory problems, he told her that.
"Alright." He could at least agree to try, not that he would. Too much hadn't been adding up for him since he saved Light Blend, and breaks just meant less time figuring it out.
"So... You going to erase my memory now?" Pinkie cheerily said, startling Dark out of his thoughts as he looked aghast at the mare.
"W-what? No- neve- just no Pinkie. We don't erase ponies' memory! Not counting how many laws that breaks, nor the moral implications, S.M.I.L.E isn't exactly a secret agency, it's impossible for something like that to exist! Agents need to get paid, bits leaves a trail, and a trail leaves evidence. We're a secretive agency."
"Oh..." Pinkie deflated and Dark felt bad for his outburst, most field agents barely knew there was a headquarters for S.M.I.L.E, let alone how it was run. And he hadn't exactly trained the current Element of laughter to be more than a field agent. Just being the student of the director doesnt mean she was privy to all the inner workings.
Dark sighed. "I'm sorry Pinkie. One last thing before I go. Keep an eye out for anything Ce- Princess Celestia related. She and the agency arent exactly on the best of terms currently, and i have no idea what we've done to have her be annoyed at us."
"Okey-dokey darkiokey!" She nodded, the two of them said their goodbyes. She went back to Sugarcube Corner, the bakery they had started their walk at. Dark had gotten the next train to Canterlot. He looked out the window at the architectural feat of engineering and magic suspended on the side of the mountain.
'This sight is supposed to be majestic, but why does it fill me with nothing but dread?'
