Miscommunications

by Dan_s Comments

Rating: mature
Tags: Human, Anthro, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Other, Romance, Princess Luna, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Violence, Princess Celestia, Sex
Length: 10721

A human from Earth arrives who is completely immune to magic. Celestia must deal with the implication that an upheaval gives other opportunities for movement.

A human from Earth arrives, a human who is completely immune to magic. Princess Celestia must deal with the implication that this upheaval gives other opportunities for movement.

Published 2021-10-10 00:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2021-10-10 00:20:02 UTC

1.) Miscommunications

Miscommunications

Yes I watched the show, and yes I kind of liked it. It was a beer and a simple story after a hard day of keeping otherwise rational people from killing each other. The job of bailiff in Family Court would sour anyone on the goodness and humanity of humans. So arriving in Ponyville with everypony running around screaming in terror, and not because of me, meant I had to do something. They weren't the odd equines, but a muzzled, pony-eared Equestria Girls form which was particularly odd. If the change was a villain's doing it explained the panic.

I quickly discovered I was immune to magic. Not the logical of try and bind me with magically-moved chains and they'd fall away on contact, but the totally irrational of drop a magically-lifted rock on me and it would have no effect, throw a magical spear at me, no effect, use Earth Pony strength to back up a kick, no effect, etc.

The scream recognizably coming from the Crusaders led me straight to the villain, and here my knowledge of the show failed me. The satyr-like creature with the huge ram horns was like nothing I'd seen from the show. Rarity, Element around her neck, had fallen and was bleeding from both equine ears. The Crusaders were trying to move her out of the battle. Twilight was galloping in circles, presumably screaming her head off, although the cloud of black vapors around her head also kept her silent. Rainbow Dash was doing a good impersonation of a sailcat. Pinkie was a couple of blocks over, upside down and her legs sticking out of a second-story, thatch roof. I could see neither Applejack nor Fluttershy.

The blast from the satyr hit me dead on as I stood there gaping like a tourist. It was apparently darkly magical. So, no effect. I didn't owe these critters anything, but the obvious distress of the Crusaders as they struggled despite four of the six Bearers out of action spurred me on. At my job, I have to stand by and watch kids get put through the wringer by parents who are supposed to love them, or advocates who aren't supposed to twist them into weapons. But that isn't the case here. This is a clear enemy and the only authorities are hors de combat.

A woodsman's axe is a cumbersome weapon, but it's what I saw, and I had a feeling that the satyr wasn't going to stand still while I sawed off it's horns. Plus, I was mad. Maybe the only affect of the magic, maybe that it was picking on a bunch of kids, I didn't and don't know. But the axe was one step away, and then the satyr was five steps away, and still depending too much on its magic blasts as its only defense. Wrath is supposed to be a deadly sin, satyr guy was about to find out.

Celestia raced through the castle's halls, even the pegasi guards were having a tough time keeping up. Word of the invasion of Ponyville had come through Spike, and that the two invaders had fallen on each other, and the victor was on its way here.

Celestia hoped she could arrive before Princess Luna fought the creature. The pair had disabled the Bearers, overwhelmed the small detachment of guards and wizards Celestia had dispatched, no guards between here and there reported seeing it, but Celestia still held out a sliver of hope that there was something in Equestria she could offer it to prevent further combat, further bloodshed and pain. Last report was the Bearers would recover, but were out of action for the moment. Shining Armor and Princess Cadance had been warned of the creature, but had neither advice nor resources to send. The cries from the gate that it had bypassed all defenses and was here made Celestia's blood run cold.

Too late she saw her sister, in full armor at the head of a detachment of troops. Luna advanced and struck the creature full-force across the face with her mailed fist. Then Luna gripped her arm and cried out in agony. If the creature's counterattack was the cause, it had been too swift to see. The creature, an odd but almost affectionate parody of the alicorn form, had withstood the blow. She knew the risk of attributing pony emotions and expressions to alien creatures, but it looked both disturbed and pleased by the exchange. A spear from one of Luna's Night Guards, enchanted by the mightiest wizards to slay even dragons and fell beasts with but a single blow struck the creature in the chest and shattered, the head nearly exploding and the shaft reduced to splinters and sawdust. From the noise of ponies preparing for battle to dead silence took but a moment as the pieces struck the ground.

Now it's angry, she thought her terror mounting and the crowds parting around both of them. She'd had no time to put on more than the leotard and leggings worn under her own armor, but she realized that fighting wouldn't avail them anything.

"Please, spare my sister," Celestia said as she stepped between them, her arms and wings flung wide to block its view of Luna.

I'm not sure why I walked towards Canterlot after cutting off the horns and head of the thing that had attacked Ponyville. Although the battering I took probably had me punchy. Once it had realized it couldn't defeat me magically, it had resorted to brute force. And despite my immunity to magic and my greater size, it still had a fair degree of that. It had broken my axe early in the fight, but since a sledgehammer, then a shovel and finally another axe had been close at hand when the previous weapon was lost, I'd fought on. Eye gouges and a few other dirty fighting techniques had me with the upper hand throughout the entire fight, but it was no curb stomp, it was a fight, and I was both punch-drunk, battered and exhausted when I'd finally severed the thing's head from its body. Then cut the horns from the head.

I vaguely remember breaking the spell that had Twilight screaming in terror for Spike to carry her away, and the one binding Applejack and Fluttershy into a Gordian Knot for the Crusaders to settle, before I set my feet on the road to Canterlot. I had no idea how I looked, and I didn't care until I was confronted by a battalion of troops and Princess Luna herself. That was when I came to my senses, the pain returned in full force and I realized I probably shouldn't have marched in here with a bloody trophy in one hand and a pair of severed horns in the other. Why nopony stopped me before this, I have no idea. Although a mirror and a moment's reflection probably would have answered why.

The punch from Princess Luna brought me fully awake. People say pain focuses the mind, only a short, sharp pain, the long, dolorous pain I'd felt since the battle ended had dulled mine and threatened to do the same again. But for the moment I was lucid. Luna squealed in pain at presumably the broken bones in her forearm. She'd struck me with full alicorn force, but on contact had lost the alicorn toughness that such strength required. I'd felt the impact, more a light slap than what was intended. I was fully awake when the spear shattered against me.

"Quit being stupid and see to your lady," I growled before a white wall practically materialized between us. Said wall was one of the most interesting examples of Non-Euclidean geometry I've encountered to date, I kept looking at it. The face and hair would have given away the game if the voice hadn't first.

"Spare my sister, please?" Princess Celestia asked, her arms-wide pose and the bespoke, near body-paint garment kept my attention rather effectively, "Please, whatever you want."

"Whatever I want is a rather tall order," I said, and enjoyed the shocked look on her face and the ears stiffly forward expression as she realized how an outsider might put her costume, pose and the promise together, "And what of your ponies? If whatever I want is for your sister, what for them?"

"Anything you want," she said, looking defeated but her ears flattened against her head. She didn't lower her arms or wings, so still blocking my advance.

"Let's start with the troops standing down, they'll only hurt themselves." I tossed the bloody head to the lead guard. "Verify he's not only dead but will stay that way, the horns stay with Celestia." I'd deliberately not used her title and that outraged the guards and Princess Luna, however Princess Celestia took it in stride. "As for your sister," I said, piquing both Princess' interest, "No deal, I can't think of anything worse than letting her live as she is, and you seem to want that, so it's a wash." Celestia started to smile until I thundered, "What part of 'Quit being stupid and see to your lady' wasn't clear? GET MOVING!"

The stampede of guards carrying Princess Luna away should have been hilarious, except the court save Princess Celestia seemed on the verge of stampeding along with them. She seemed to be waiting or expecting some doom, and I was enjoying the mood whiplash I was inflicting on everyone. I finally focused on Princess Luna's initial challenge 'Thou shalt never rule Equestria while her Crowns stand defiant', and now one couldn't and the other wouldn't, and I realized if they wanted to get themselves wound up and crown me king out of terror, I'd roll with it for a while. Then pull a 180 to leave them with the status quo ante. But for the moment, keeping everypony guessing was the best course of action while neither acknowledging nor ignoring what I'd been offered.

"What I want personally," I said and watched Celestia steel herself, and the court lean in with prurient interest or back in horror at the expected desecration,"Is a bath and some laundry done." I plucked at my bloody clothing. "If Luna wanted to crown me king on just a glance, I suspect I'm quite the sight."

"Yes, yes, sir, you are," Princess Celestia said, she seemed more relaxed and her ears watched me closely. She turned to lead me away, "Follow me."

The view from behind was almost as interesting as the view from ahead, but her long strides would have forced me to either run to catch up, or fall behind. Since I was supposed to be in charge, and frankly I hurt too much to run, each step on the stone floor sending a jolt of pain through my frame, I let her pull ahead.

I also noted only one maid and no guards had fallen in with us. Something I needed to deal with, the guards should guard any VIP, and Princess or not, Celestia still raised the sun which made her very important if only as a back up.

Blue Bell trotted alongside her. Celestia's hope to remove the creature from the presence of her ponies had been partially successful, but Blue Bell's worried glances back indicated the creature was not keeping up with Celestia's pace, and seemed disinterested with calling her out about it, or calling for a respite. She and Blue Bell stopped to let it catch up.

She felt a bit of warmth at the creature's attitude. Many official diplomats had reacted worse to a reception they fully deserved, while this creature seemed undisturbed by two, unprovoked, physical attacks. She'd also felt a bit of a thrill at its attitude towards her, her body and her panicked words. It was not totally ill-favored, just rather strange looking and while she couldn't afford to be active, she wasn't unlearned or a prude.

Then the universe conspired against her.

"Celestia, what are the nine most degrading sexual practices among ponies?" it asked and her horror resurfaced.

Blue Bell marched over and berated it. "Why would you ask such a thing? What kind of pervert are you to - "

"Sorry, Ten," it said and stared at Blue Bell, "Do you want to go for eleven?"

Blue Bell covered her mouth with both hands, backing away and then looked at Celestia, pleading for forgiveness. Celestia nodded back and felt her own hopes dashed to flinders, like a ship against the shore in a storm. So close to safety, and now destroyed.

The three of them stood there for a moment, the creature looking from Celestia to Blue Bell, her chief maid nearly hiding behind her sovereign, and Celestia trying to square the request with her promise of 'anything'.

"I am aware of such, but do you wish to discuss them here?" Celestia asked.

"No, just to get you thinking, I'll need a list, and better you start thinking before I ask and assign a deadline," the creature said.

"Of course," Celestia said, glad only Blue Bell had heard the request, and understanding the implied threat. He would tolerate Blue Bell's presence, but reversing the old whipping-filly idea, Celestia was hostage to Blue Bell's good behavior. "I've writing materials in my apartments."

The creature nodded, and she proceeded at a more sedate pace. The distance passed in silence as Celestia dealt with Blue Bell's growing despair and remorse over heaping such a humiliation on her lady.

Celestia silently wished she had headed to a different quarter than her own apartments. Letting her future rapist into her own home, of her own free will, felt like a betrayal of herself as a mare. It had essentially admitted to being an abuser, and she was not returning to the house of the union, but ushering it in. Once inside the apartment, she proceeded to her closet to change, while a chastened Blue Bell dealt with the creature and the bath. With the door closed, Celestia looked at herself in a full length mirror and realized as badly as she'd been sweating from her run and the accompanying give and take over the fate of her ponies, the garment she wore left little to the imagination save the true color of her skin. Even her cutie mark was replicated on the outside. At another time she would have admired her own figure, the envy of many in the court, now she saw it as a curse.

I gave my word, she thought as she went through the bathing suits she had, none the latest style, but she doubted it would care. How much flesh is shown, and how easy to get out of, she thought, Those are the questions.

She decided on a simple robe instead, as there would be little ceremony as she lay back and thought of Equestria. She proceeded to her bath. Another refuge sullied and lost to the creature. While some would joke the tub was large enough to swim laps in, it had every amenity the artificers could think of. It was her refuge for a while from the world and its demands. She was a little disturbed at Blue Bell carrying the bloody clothing to a basket and her maid's odd looks back to the bath. Entering the bath proper added Celestia to the roll of the perplexed.

The creature wasn't splashing around in the huge tub, playing with the controls and settings, as had many colts and fillies who been invited to see it. It was in a corner, its back to the tub, sitting on one bucket with another beside it. Despite the threat over her head, she winced in sympathy. Its left side from the armpit to the knee was one, massive, red-purple bruise. The right forearm was similarly battered and bruised. Several angry, red furrows marked the right shoulder blade.

Idly she noted that it was definitely not just not ill-favored, despite the injuries, but rather intriguing. No Ponidonas, but nothing to be ashamed of. She had no answer why it had seated itself with its face to the corner, near the floor drain. It couldn't be bashful, could it? Celestia wondered, If it were distrustful it would want to watch the entrance.

Celestia left the robe on the table and stepped into the warm water, kneeling to move the water up to her chin, the normally relaxing soak not having the desired effect as she watched the creature scrub itself, noting when it winced or hissed as its wounds limited its range of motion. Satisfaction warred with compassion as it struggled, then it dumped the water in the bucket over its head and refilled it from the tap on the wall.

"The water in the tub is warm," she offered trying to sound solicitous, rather than hoping to get her humiliation over with.

"Thank you, Your Highness, but this is fine," it said, adding fire to her confusion as it dumped part of the bucket over its head and used a second wash cloth to sponge off the last of the soap from itself before wrapping a towel around its waist, "The blood will ruin these towels, no sense messing up your bath too. I'll need that list before you raise the sun with Princess Luna tomorrow." It barely looked at her as it walked out of the bath with its slow, deliberate pace.

No, she thought, Not deliberate, injured. She watched it as it left without a backward glance or a lewd remark. Celestia's confusion could hardly have been greater as she looked at her surroundings. It was hardly her idea of a make-out spot, but aside from her bed, she could hardly think of a more apropos location. Yet it had walked out without a sideward glance, focused intently on the exit.

She left the bath, and began drying herself when she heard a closet door open and close. Dread returned as she considered that it was picking out her outfit, and faced humor as she briefly thought about it dressing in her clothes instead. Before she was completely dry, she wrapped the robe around herself, conscious that the remaining damp might make it cling like a second skin. She temporarily discounted that worry and passed through the door more quickly as she heard something that perplexed her further. 'I'm not tossing the lady out of her own bed.'

To say she was confused was an understatement. The creature carried the sea-foam green sheets and a thick quilt across the room, not forcing Blue Bell to, who was instead turning down Celestia's bed and seemed as perplexed as Celestia.

Celestia knew the provenance of those sheets, a gift from the mermares and they had always made her vaguely nauseated when waking amid a tangled mass the color of alfalfa vomit. That the monster would ruin those and not the whites and blues that predominated the linen closet had Celestia thinking.

It laying them out in a nook between a support pillar and the door to the closet had both mares truly confused. The bed was hardly a long distance from the linen closet, in fact where it was bedding down was farther. Yet it was bedding down there on the floor, and not the low, large bed in the center of the room.

Blue Bell cautiously explained, remembering the punishment she'd leveed on her mistress, "Aren't you going to, well, share her bed and use the list?"

I heard the maid's question, and saw Princess Celestia winsomely wearing her clingy robe and little else, and decided another bout of whiplash was in order. "I have never forced myself on a woman, I never had to and I don't intend to start now. Princess Luna needs to be punished for jumping to conclusions which harmed somepony. Since Princess Celestia asked for clemency, I'll leave the task to her and allow the blame to fall to me. So, a list of abject humiliations in Princess Celestia's hand, right before Princess Luna is sent off to Princess Cadance and Shining Armor for a cool down will have her screwing herself into the ground far worse than actually doing anything on the list to either of Their Highnesses," I told the stunned pair, "I'll leave it to Her Highness about how to deliver it: a morose martyr, a grinning idiot, or leave it sealed to be opened with Shining Armor and Cadance in attendance to deal with her freak out."

I stared at the maid. "As for the rest, I am hardly going to give even the appearance of unwelcome impropriety to someone whose chamberlain has already puzzled out that if I'm immune to magic or things touched by magic, then broomsticks and mop handles would be ideal for subdual, and a rolled up apron will make a serviceable garrote."

The maid instantly quit fiddling with her apron and stared in horror at Princess Celestia. The sovereign herself looked like she was just managing not to burst out laughing.

"Also since you both got a good look. I'm covered with bruises right down to the bone. The idea of anyone touching me right now, no matter she's as fetching as the Princess in her robe, fills me with dread," I said, and which mare was horrified and which was nearly busting a gut to avoid laughing reversed.

He's given away the game, Celestia realized and despite the confirmation he was interested, she was equal parts grateful and miffed at his categorical refusal. That he had a sense of humor that near-enough mirrored hers was a huge point in his favor. What she heard next sealed it.

"Besides, the list she gives Princess Luna and the list that gets circulated around the court don't have to be the same. No one knows about my biology, and vice versa, she can let slip a list of things she'd really like to do, that the Pecksniffs, Tartuffes and Pharisees will go into apoplexy about and tell me her actions are on the list and the horror at the impropriety will appear to bear her out."

Celestia hadn't wanted to hug someone so much since Princess Luna's return. Only remembering his numerous injuries stayed her hands. What he said next had her elation crashing down.

"So when I leave day after tomorrow, she can make whatever claims she wishes about what part of what she did prevailed against me," the creature said.

"You're leaving?" she asked. She sounded like a lost little filly, even to herself.

"I never claimed the throne, I never wanted it, Princess Luna made the claim first when all I wanted was to deliver the head of that monster and make sure he wouldn't rise again. So driving me out of the city is the keystone to the Pony Sisters retaking the throne and authority over Equestria," he said.

"We could pardon you?" she offered.

"That isn't the point and the people will have to see your victory," he said, "You know that as do I. There's nothing you can offer me that would be worth the trouble it would cause you. I just want a way home, and since that would entail magic, there's no chance of that happening." He signed. "Your Highness, with all due respect, I'd really like to just get some sleep."

"Why 'Celestia' in public, and 'Your Highness' here alone?" Blue Bell asked, before Celestia had to.

"Perception versus reality," he said and laid down in his bedding, and seemed to fall asleep or lose consciousness immediately.

"I don't understand," Blue Bell said quietly.

"Be glad you don't," Celestia told her, "Please go check on Princess Luna, I suspect she's not too happy about the situation and she'll be even less happy about an exile to the Crystal Empire."

Blue Bell nodded and left, leaving Celestia with two lists to create, one for Luna to take to read while Cadance and Shining Armor could calm her down, and the second to drive the moralizing busybodies of the court insane. Maybe I could make some of these a regular propitiation festival, she thought and smiled.

Princess Celestia returned from meeting with Luna to raise the moon and lower the sun. She'd already laid the ground work with Luna by explaining the creature seemed very similar to stallions, but seemed not to take the hint. Luna had predictably gone off the deep end, but then Celestia reminded her that she'd started this by both attacking the creature and essentially betting their kingdom on the efficacy of her attack. So Luna was already getting the punishment mandated and an important lesson.

Before she could enter her apartment proper she spotted several, small figures trying to hide effectively and advance on the entrance. Celestia could make out Blue Bell at the far end of the corridor, and Celestia signaled the guards to create an opening for the trio of fillies to sneak inside. She watched as the guards turned 90 degrees and marched towards opposing corners of the hall. The Crusaders took the opportunity and broke for the door, and headed inside.

Swift strides brought all four adults back to the door. "Once I'm through, none pass but Blue Bell or my sister," she said to the guards as she and Blue Bell slipped in behind the Crusaders.

Scootaloo and Applebloom had covered Sweetie Belle's mouth as they stood in Celestia's apartment. Celestia figured that she could have snuck in a marching band and the trio would have been too awestruck to notice. The trepidacious mice moved quietly towards the sleeping figure, glancing between the figure and the bed a few steps away.

"Why's he on the floor?" Scootaloo whispered.

"Dunno," Applebloom answered, then froze as she caught sight of Celestia staring at them. Without taking her eyes off Celestia she fumbled with grabbing her two friends, but got ahold of them.

"What's gotten into - oh," Sweetie Belle said as she turned around.

"We can explain," Scootaloo said and nervously smiled.

Then all three screamed as their target said, "Report - calm down, report the condition of the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony." He sat up, the bed sheets pooling around his waist. Despite the faint blood stains, it still looked like a sea of alfalfa vomit. The bruising was still there, and a few, deep scratches in his chest that had scabbed over.

Applebloom calmed down as Blue Bell headed off for tea for them. "Applejack'll be right as rain soon enough."

"Ditto Fluttershy," Scootaloo added.

"Rarity can't hear too good and has a really bad headache," Sweetie Belle said, "I don't think she's faking this time."

"Spike took Twilight back to the library, and she wouldn't let go of him," Sweetie Belle added.

"Another candidate for Cadance and Shining Armor," the creature said. Celestia nodded.

"Rainbow's in the hospital," Scootaloo said, "A couple broken bones, but her wings are fine. I think Pinkie's hurt the worst."

"They had to wire her jaw shut, so she can't eat or talk," Applebloom said, "She's not taking it well."

The snort from the creature showed what he thought of Ponyville's premier party planner. "I can imagine, good time to teach her sign-language. She will be able to drink things, so expect a rash of shakes and smoothies," he said.

"What about the town?" Celestia asked.

"Everypony seems to have calmed down." Sweetie Belle dug a toe in the carpet. "Uh, they buried the rest of him," Sweetie Belle said and didn't look at either Celestia or the creature.

"Did he really want to take over Equestria?" Applebloom asked.

"Did he really want to eat all our souls?" Scootaloo asked.

"Did you really eat him with fava beans and a nice Chianti?" Sweetie Belle asked the creature.

"That's more a warcry than a promise," he replied, "Besides, I don't think you have steak sauce here."

A host of bleechs lightened the mood among the Crusaders.

"Why are you here?" Applebloom said, "Not Canterlot but here, here." She indicated the room.

"I'm Celestia's prisoner. When you're older, ask Granny Smith about it," the creature said.

Celestia wasn't sure who was more gobsmacked, the Crusaders or her.

"Magic doesn't work on you," Scootaloo said, "Haven't you tried to escape?"

"Quit thinking like a filly and think like a stallion," the creature said as he pointed at Celestia in her casual dress, "Would you try to escape?"

The Crusaders moved off to the far corner of the room and discussed in hushed whispers. Celestia was glad Blue Bell arrived with the tea, she needed a cup to steady her nerves. She went to high alert as the trio trooped back.

"We're too young to know about that stuff," Sweetie Belle announced and the other two nodded their agreement. Now Blue Bell started staring at the creature and Celestia. "But no love potions, it doesn't end well," Sweetie Belle announced and the other two nodded in their shame.

"I've often wondered, if both people took the same potion, at the same time, would it create the disastrous results only one person taking it does?" the creature said, "In the latter case you're forcing something on someone, in the former you're affirming and strengthening something already there and mutual. There's nothing like that in my folklore, is there such in yours?"

The Crusaders went into a whisper huddle as Blue Bell and Celestia exchanged glances, then discarded the idea.

"We've never heard of anything like that," Scootaloo announced. While Sweetie Belle and Applebloom continued their quiet argument.

Celestia caught 'easy', 'bad idea', and 'paddlin" from Applebloom, and 'immune', 'tantrum', and 'chores' from Sweetie Belle. Once they'd satisfied themselves they could do it, it wouldn't work, and they'd get into so much trouble for trying, the pair broke off the argument and rejoined Scootaloo who was practically wearing a halo of the sainted innocent and a smile of the justly condemned.

"I think we should move the tea party to the bathroom and let -" Celestia stopped at stared at him, "You know our names, but I don't remember hearing yours."

"We don't use names, we know who we are," he said, "I thought everypony had agreed on 'The Monster', rather the definite article, something else might be a monster, but I'm The Monster."

"That's not exactly respectful," Blue Bell said.

"But Ax-Murderer of whatever-his-name-was doesn't trip off the tongue like 'The Monster', I mean even Princess Celestia is only a princess, but she's The Sun Raiser, respect takes many forms," he said.

Celestia was trying to decide to laugh or have a headache, instead she resolved to finish her earlier thought, "We'll move the tea party and let you go back to sleep."

"Thank you, Your Highness," he said, nodded and settled back under the covers.

"I think we should move him into the bed," Scootaloo whispered.

"It's the princess'," Sweetie Belle said, "What'll ponies say?"

"Uh, I kinda think they both want that kinda talk," Applebloom said, "No offense Yer Highness."

"None taken," Celestia assured them.

The next hour-and-a-half seated around the tub soaking their feeet and legs was informative. Applebloom, having watched the sheep, dogs, and other animals was aware of the mechanics, she admitted that courtship really needed Granny Smith's input. Sweetie Belle had all the fairy tales in her head, although Scootaloo sometimes questioned specific details. The young pegasus had a more rough and tumble opinion that it was obvious they liked each other, and could play any game with the nobles, so maybe they should just act like they were married, while they worked things out about what was really going on.

At that declaration Blue Bell fell into the bath and had to be fished out. While sputtering about the nightmare of a royal wedding, that infatuation wasn't love, and that civil war was a possibility, she admitted it was an interesting idea.

Celestia could imagine the brave bride tearfully protecting her ponies and the world, and The Monster austere yet barbarian. She could barely keep from grinning and vaguely wondered if Discord had escaped again.

"That's it, Discord!" Celestia said, and had to recover all her guests from the bath tub.

"Ponies need to see that The Monster can be useful, even helpful, and Discord needs to be redeemed as well!" Celestia said excitedly.

This time she had to drag them out from the bottom of the bathtub. Prying their fingers from the fittings down below.

She set the ponies on the edge of the tub and ignored their concerned looks towards each other. "I'm serious, if he's immune to magic, and can neutralize magic by just touching something," Celestia said and awaited the fearful nods from the Crusaders, "Then he's the perfect counter to Discord. And Discord can be the perfect route to rehabilitating The Monster." She grinned at them, and the smiles she got in return would have been more appropriate on death row, not among her allies.

"Um," Applebloom began, "I think selling it to him will be hard enough, and selling it to my sister and the others . . . " Applebloom screwed up her face. "Considering he helped them, maybe it would work."

"I can just imagine the joy among the court," Celestia said and clasped her hands.

"Your Highness, they sure have a different definition of joy up here in Canterlot," Sweetie Belle said.

I heard the shuffling in the room and had for some time. An agitated or excited alicorn is a very dangerous thing, but which had to be handled differently for which.

"What's troubling you?" I asked.

"You're awake?" Her Highness asked.

"Have been off and on all night. I roll onto something that hurts too much and I wake up. I suspect I'm giving Princess Luna a complex, as I keep leaving our sessions screaming," I told her, "So what's troubling you?"

"There's a man in my room," she said bluntly.

"I'm not going to jump you in your sleep," I told her, and there was a long pause, so long that I realized, She wants me to try?

"Your Highness, you've known me what, a few hours, that's not enough to form a lasting impression. As for the physical, you have no idea whether we'd be compatible, and remember magic will be of no help here," I told her.

"I see fingers, a tongue and an imagination," she replied, "I also see someone who jumped in to help my ponies at considerable risk to themselves, then treated a murder attempt as a tantrum, and has consistently thought of my welfare and the well-being of my ponies since then. So that makes a lasting impression."

"All this is based on a mistaken impression, when the truth comes out it will all come tumbling down," I told her.

"There's a way to knock it down, and still keep the status quo," Celestia said, "I've been trying to figure out a way to couch it, but I suspect simply telling you bluntly is the answer. That's what's had me tossing and turning. I have to sugar coat the medicine so often, I have a hard time accepting that you'd prefer it straight."

"What, are you going to let Discord loose and depend on my anti-magic to work on him?" I asked trying to imagine the worst idea she could come up with. Tirek would be too easy, and if Twilight wasn't an alicorn, they didn't know about his release yet.

There was silence from the other occupant in the room, no words, no tossing and turning, so I carefully rolled back on my unbruised side and went back to sleep.

Luna was waiting for me. "Sorry, Princess Celestia had a plan to redeem Discord and wanted my buy in," I told the junior alicorn, "Have you had sightings of Triek. The guy I chopped up was expecting him, not me. What is a Triek anyway?"

She was about to correct me to Tirek, when Exit Stage Luna. Straight into the orchestra pit and out through the audience for all I knew. I didn't see her again all night.

Breakfast was with Blue Bell and a much older mare I'd barely recognized as Granny Smith, who seemed to be examining me from every mental angle. They'd left me to sleep as the sun was well up in the sky. I would have been willing to wake up for the tearful farewell between Celestia and Luna, but it was not to be. I'll have to ask about it from people who probably missed all the nuance.

"Ma'am," I nodded to Granny Smith and Blue Bell. Breakfast was rice and beans, several cheeses, a hard boiled egg and a platter of sliced fruits. Their breakfasts were more the grains and cereals but they seemed to be more interested in watching me eat than anything else.

My clothes had been returned, and despite the best efforts of the Royal Laundry, they hadn't removed all the blood stains or fixed all the rends. There was a request for clemency with the Chief Washerwoman taking all blame and asking that any penalty descend on her alone.

Since the script was similar to Palmer Method, I replied she'd have a chance at redemption with the bedding, if that failed she would have to offer apologies to the Queen of the Mermares, not me. I included the note with the bedding that was being packed up and bundled away to the Royal Laundry.

That returned me to the pair before me. "You are brimming with questions," I told them.

"Jist one," Granny Smith said, "You too stupid noble to acknowledge she wants you?"

I've always appreciated honesty, but that was a bit too up front to expect from anypony. Even Blue Bell seemed taken aback by going for the throat that way.

"You ain't the best that there is, yer just the best she can have," Granny said, "Anypony better is a noble, a guard or a diplomat from another place. Nobles are either pisswater or after somethin', guards are too scared to ask, and diplomats, well you can guess that one. So you get dropped in her lap, literally, you seem all right, Blue Bell here says you're a bit small for an alicorn but it ain't the tools it's the craftstallion. So what's your problem."

"That you're an entirely alien species, you think I came here to be king, and frankly after a night of pissing blood I'm not sure I'll be here in a week."

Blue Bell faints. Granny's face wrinkles up more, as if that should have been possible. "Alien may mean no foals, but that's not all marriage is. You let Celestia handle the king thing, the pissing blood," she sighed, "Give it at least two. If it' still happening on the third, then you have to worry. I've been kicked and battered enough to know the first day is worrying, but it's day three that the doctor gets involved. Now that Fluttershy gal and Applebloom owe you, they'll set you up if'n that's a worry. The doctors round here aren't worth the wood ta roast'em fer the pigs, but a vet, they know their business and they get paid when the patient gets better, not when they do their mumbo-jumbo."

"Understood," I said, "I still think she's rushing things."

Granny laughed and watched Blue Bell clamber back in her seat. "Her Highness maybe long in years, but she's only a little ways into being a mare and you know how the young'uns get when they see the latest screamer."

Blue Bell returned to being on the floor.

"Thought that one had more stamina," Granny said.

"I think she's got Celestia-the-Pristine in her head too much," I said, "Guilty as charged too, but I think I need to trust the charm offensive she has planned."

"Start with snuggles, even when it all hurts, having a gentle partner beside you makes it more bearable," Granny said, stood and patted my knee, my right knee. "You need someone ta jaw with, I'm in Ponyville, but take the train, it's faster than walking."

Celestia was in her office going over endless paperwork. For once she could ignore part of it, the endless missives from foreign governments on the status of the Equestrian Government. She'd let them stew a bit and let their spies report what was happening.

The knock on the door brought her back to the real world. Blue Bell and Granny Smith entered. She'd seen Blue Bell shocked before, and the way she was eyeing Granny, the older woman had stupefied the maid. Granny herself looked as grim as Celestia had ever seen her. Even Applejack facing Discord hadn't been that harsh.

"Your Highness," Granny said as Blue Bell closed the dorr firmly, "You might want to take off that crown, so we can talk mare to mare."

Celestia stared at her and did as she'd been asked. She set her crown aside as she gestured for them to be seated. Granny settled herself and seemed to be drawing the strength to speak unpleasant truths her sovereign needed to hear.

"Highness, Celestia, I've seen good stallions ground up and spit out by worthless mares," Granny said, and pointed back to the Royal apartment, "Some mare got her teeth in that one and ground and ground until she choked to death on him, and he's still carrying a torch for her."

"Seen lots of ponies scareda loss, but he's a case," Granny said and shook her head, "Advice. Gonna sound like I'm talkin' outta both sides of my mouth, but you gotta move fast, and take it slow."

While Celestia wanted to, she didn't urge the scion of the Apple Family to hurry.

"Fast as in get him used to you, get him feelin' that he's safe, and that you want him." Granny gave Blue Bell a sidelong glance, but continued, "Give him a happy, but not with your insides. Make it clear that's for the wedding bed. That's what I mean, by fast and slow. Move fast, but don't over-commit. He's a stallion, and you're top looks, friendly, but I figure that's what chewed on him before so it's good and bad. What you do tonight, have him in your bed, just drape a wing over him. But be watchful. It's good he's all bruised up, cause I'm bettin' the inside's just like that. Some places you can tickle and tease, maybe even bite, and other places even a breath will send him running. It'll be frustrating, but a whipped dog shown real love by another is the best friend you can have."

Blue Bell had a fist shoved against her mouth to avoid blurting out something, anything that would interrupt Granny Smith. She could tell her instinct to protect Celestia from crudity or harshness was counterproductive. Celestia nodded to her and smiled, then to Granny to continue.

"Also get him to play with you. Something you want but can't have. Massage, tickling, heck boxing if that's your taste, something where you let him touch you, not all the way into private places but just something private to share."

"I can think of one thing right off," Celestia said, remembering when Twilight got too old for snuggling with Celestia, or sleeping under her wing, or wrapping herself in her mane. Luna refusing to anymore had been the first sign of her descent into madness. She was untouchable as Her Royal Highness, that contact was something she wanted more than anything.

"Since you were off chasing breezies," Granny Smith said, "I'll say it again, let him into your heart. Young Pinkie Pie seems pushy to know all about a newcomer to be a better friend, and some take it ill, so you offer first, and maybe let him see the pain of letting him in is better than the pain of not having what you were thinking about."

"It was about cuddling with another pony," Celestia said, "Or nonpony in this case. I take it you've been told about the list?"

"I think I even heard Princess Luna's screams while I was still at Sweet Apple Acres. What was on that list?" Granny said and leaned towards Celestia.

"It's more that it was a patched together list, with several items crossed off. Even I can't imagine what Luna thinks items one through four were, let alone items one-hundred thirty-eight through two-hundred forty-six," Celestia said, and watched the others grin, then Celestia realized her self-own, "Cuddling with another person was number forty-three, and I wrote person, not pony. Even my subconscious is telling me the same. So, I should just move him to my bed, blood-stains be damned, and lay a wing over him, because I need it?"

"Because you both need it," Blue Bell said, and looked around nervously, "But you tell him that you need it."

Granny chuckled and patted Blue Bell's knee. "You haven't committed treason for telling Her Highness what she already knows." Then she fixed on Celestia. "The heart of the matter is you have to show great interest now, and let him come to you as he sees fit. Be very careful about shutting off. As he is now, he'll just close up and walk away. As lonely as he is, if he thinks you, or anypony, isn't the solution, he'll leave Equestria and go somewhere else. A starving stallion may want that bread and water, but after it's snatched away too often and he finds his hunger is survivable, even a gourmet banquet won't get him back through the door."

"Sounds like what my father did," Blue Bell said, "My mother banished my father from their bedroom once too often after he dragged his hooves on redecorating, he just moved into the shed in back. He still paid all the bills for the house to work, but never for redecoration and he never set foot in the house again," the maid sighed, "And everypony in the neighborhood knew it. It drove my mother crazy because he never complained or spoke ill of her, he just kept living his life like he didn't need her anymore."

"Didn't his family try to make him see sense?" Celestia asked.

"He'd listen, politely, and then ask why they were unhappy," Blue Bell said.

Celestia thought about it and shook her head.

It was night again when I woke. I had lost track of time as my exhausted body kept putting me to sleep for indeterminate periods of time. Slumber so deep I didn't even dream. It could be tomorrow or next week for all I knew. Celestia's arrival told me it might have been close to the time she lowered the sun.

When she sat down beside me I knew I was in for it, one way or another. I sat up and looked at her. The dress she wore was elegant, without the florid and gaudy stylings that other ponies seemed drawn to. It was tight enough to show off her curves but nothing you couldn't wear to a classroom.

"You look troubled," I said of her nervously flickering ears.

They stilled, but she continued to look pensive. "Everyone has told me to be blunt," she explained, moving closer so she could lean over and look into my eyes. Her hand rested on my right shoulder. "Even my own instincts, but long training in sugar-coating everything, of talking around troubling issues make it hard." When she pointedly glanced down, I got the message. "Double entendre intended. I want you. That way and every other. I am aware that the idea of a long-term relationship is a field of hidden traps to you, but I promised I'd be blunt."

Promised herself and her advisers most likely, I thought.

"So perhaps a bit of cuddling to start with?" she asked, when I nodded her hand began tracing little patterns on my arm, while her other began doing the same on my chest. "When Luna and I were little, we slept in the same bed as our mentor and a couple of his assistants. Beds and good linens were expensive and hard to get, so a half-dozen in one bed was not unheard of. I got used to the idea of other ponies close to me, touching me as a sign of security and comfort. When we were elevated to rulers, Luna decided that we had to ignore what we'd always done and accede to every show of wealth and power: separate beds, separate bedrooms, contact only when strictly necessary. I discovered that even the hint of wanting to snuggle like we did in the old days was met with derision."

I noted the hand on my chest was moving lower, rambling, but still downward, as Celestia leaned a bit closer.

"All those servants, all those ponies around me, and I couldn't touch them, do you - ?" she stopped and jerked back, shaking her head. "No, straight forward." She transferred me to her lap, steadying me easily. "What I want from you is someone to touch and be touched. No one knows if you are the savior, destroyer, both, neither, or somepony else entirely. You seem to enjoy playing monster, so I want permission to touch you, hug you, the princess' touch to prevent a rampage or some such."

"No promises I won't want more later, and no promises I won't want that at all," I said, "But yes, as long as I have the same right. I have to play the crude barbarian monster after all, so I may throw you over my shoulder and carry you off to a convenient closet. What we do in there we can leave to the court's imagination."

Celestia smiled, then laughed at that. "Just do show a trace of decorum," she said as she spread her wings to surround me.

"Hugs and kisses for the kids," I said, "Bites, tickles and the closet for the adults."

"Bites and tickles?" she asked, her ears flicking, giving lie to her serene facial expression.

"Do we have an accord?" I asked, my hand dropping and brushing the side of her knee, making her squirm.

She grinned and nodded.

The assembly of the Elements, a large collection of nobles and diplomats, all the Alicorn Princesses, and military forces from several nations surrounded the statue in the middle of the field. The mutters of concerns of the Equestrian and Crystal Empire defenders for their Princesses could still be heard.

The Element Bearers were in a small cluster, surrounded by a cordon of soldiers as much to keep the Bearers safe as to keep the crowds away. Celestia noted that The Monster had no such problems as he was standing alone within a bubble nopony wanted to enter. Even Shining Armor and Princess Cadance were easily ten feet from him. It suited him as he was as much on trial as Discord was.

The glow from the Elements heralded the return of Discord. Many who hadn't seen the Elements in action ooo'd and aah'd, or gasped in fear as the six elements did their work. A rainbow connected the gems of the elements, and the stone surrounding Discord shattered.

The Dracoequues shook and stretched as he reacted to his freedom. A not-so surreptitious gesture and the Minotaur Consul-General became a tub of lard, a rather minor change most in Canterlot would have agreed.

"What do you think you are doing?" Twilight demanded as The Monster marched over and with a touch restored the diplomat to her normal form.

"Why stretching of course! When - " Discord's contortions had brought The Monster into sight. "Nope," Discord said as he raced around collecting the pieces of his former prison. He paused next to Celestia. "You wicked, wicked girl you," he told her and raced off to collect more pieces, then seated himself back on the plinth and reassembled the pieces, licking them to stick them together or to his skin. When only the piece over his mouth remained, he told the crowd, "You aren't getting me with that old gag." And popped the last piece into place.

The various ponies and others looked at each other with confusion.

The Monster put his plan into action. "All right, anyone who doesn't want to be part of the singing move off to a safe distance."

Celestia was sure she heard a faint whimper from the statue.

"Marching back to Canterlot, for our Princess oh," he sang, "Ten thousand miles of marching, homeward now we go. Sun and rain surround us, hail and sleet and snow. Ninety-nine ninety-nine miles of marching, homeward now we go."

Dozens of ponies had joined in and some who'd served alongside Equestrian forces sang. Each of the veterans had their own key, and the enthusiasm to march the song home. Celestia was certain she heard a whimper from the statue now.

The sight of Discord hiding behind Fluttershy should have been laughable, but the draconequus' palpable terror held that in abeyance.

"Oh come now," Twilight said, "He's not that scary."

Discord looked at her as if she'd spoken ill of Celestia. "Not scary? Not scary! Do you know how his kind hunts their living prey? They are persistence hunters, once they lock on, nothing shakes them. You run away, they trot after you. You stop to take a rest, there they are trotting after you. You can't outrun them, you can't destroy them. If you damage them, the essence of what they are remains. They regenerate and keep coming. Eventually you will weaken. Your reserves will be gone. They are relentless!"

"If I play tennis does that make me a Bjorn Borg?" I asked, "Think of Fluttershy's lessons not as a burden, but a commutation of your sentence, although with you it's more of a paragraph."

"Ha, ha," Discord said, "I bet you think you're funny."

"Princess Luna thought I was a scream," I said, then I leaned in close to the draconeqqus, "If you can't take a little bloody nose, maybe you ought to go back home and crawl under your bed. It's not safe out here, it's wondrous. With treasures to satiate desires both subtle and gross." I grinned at him. "But it's not for the timid."

Discord looked miffed at that, but nodded to Fluttershy. The pair left the meadow outside the castle proper, but flying away easily.

I was more than aware of the many eyes that had spied on the short meeting between The Monster and Discord, and from what I could see on the faces of those who hadn't fled when I turned around, Princess Celestia's plan to redeem me, by my efforts to redeem Discord were bearing fruit. In that the ponies and others were positively terrified for Discord rather than of him. I was the bigger monster, so if I behaved, or rather if Princess Celestia's behavior kept me in check, all was good with the world.

I was beginning to wish I'd seen the MLP movie that wasn't Equestria Girls-based. The Storm King would be an interesting opponent.

Twilight brought me out of my considerations. "Do you have libraries where you come from?" She sounded like she'd run away if I stomped my foot.

"I'm not familiar with the word, what is a library?" I asked.

She seemed stunned by that, but labored on. "A library is a storage of books," she said, "Where people can check them out and read them."

"Isn't that a museum?" I asked.

"Museums don't usually contain books, or they don't contain books you can check out," she explained. She was fiddling with her long hair and rocking on her heels. The pony who'd faced down Discord was terrified of me.

"Well that's obvious, how silly do you think I am?" I said and chuckled to ease the blow, "You download a copy of the books you want from the museum. Only the staff gets to see the actual books, and they're generally kept in preservation conditions once they've been scanned in. To avoid having to rescan a book, they have an offline storage. If you want a paper copy, you just print one out yourself. But most people keep their, you called them libraries, on their phones or in cloud storage."

Twilight was just staring at me in a mixture of incredulity and awe. When only her ears and her blinks indicated life continued, I walked off to my next appointment.

I hadn't been looking forward to a confrontation with Princess Luna. Her delving into my dreams when I was wounded had usually ended with her asking a series of questions, and me screaming in agony at some point and waking up. As I'd healed, I started just looking at her and screaming in agony and retreating out of dreams, or fortunately sleeping so deeply she couldn't enter my dreams. It had not helped our relationship. That she had and continued to hurt someone I was quite fond of did not give me impetus to reconcile with her.

"What have you done to Celestia?" she shouted.

While an unexpected tact, I was ready. "I think we should discuss this privately," I said and looked at the collection of diplomats, court functionaries and the occasional tourist or guard within earshot.

"We will discuss it now," Princess Luna stomped and insisted.

No skin off my nose, I thought and decided to give it to her with both barrels. "I gave her a massage and shampooed her wings. Why she's reacting like that is because I'm the first person willing to treat her as a person instead of a paragon. When her own sister treats the opinion of social climbers as more important than the health and well-being of her kin, she's going to be depressed. When a monster from another world does care about her, she's going to react with elation. Said elation is what you are objecting to," I said loudly enough everyone in the immediate vicinity heard clearly.

Princess Luna went from midnight blue to the blue of a cloudless sky. "You're lying," she whispered.

"You are a coward," I said, "So tied up with doing 'the right thing' as defined by people who either don't give a damn about you or want to actively hurt you. The fact that most of them have been dead for nearly a millennium really gives credence to their opinions. Well, I don't play that. If they tut-tut at me, I'll unscrew their ears, fill their heads with sauerkraut and feed them to the ducks. Or worse, strike their family's name from every invitation list to every royal party that will happen."

One of the court hangers-on fainted, rather loudly. Most of the other functionaries and diplomats were getting very nervous. Princess Luna was suddenly looking very uncertain. Her clinging to 'old time' conventions repeatedly put her at odds with Celestia and I'd just called her out that she was hurting her sister at the behest of enemies of the crown who were long dead.

"Have I adequately answered your question?" I asked in a quiet, professional tone.

Princess Luna only nodded.

"I'm glad your arm healed fully," I left before I really said something I'd regret.

The pavilion kept most of the sunlight off the dignitaries. Princess Celestia was giving an inspiring speech to the Canterlot armed forces. It actually was pretty good, no MacArthur or Patton, but it hit the high notes of duty, honor, and country.

I almost missed my cue, but headed up to the podium with my one note card. Celestia had delivered her speech without notes. I leaned into the microphone. "RAAHRR!" And cupped a hand to my ear.

Strangely, it was Spitfire, Fleetfoot and Soarin who responded. "URAH!"

"That's why they're Wonderbolts and you aren't," I said, "Let's try again for the Princess. RAAHRR!"

The entire assembly roared back, "RAAHRR!"

"Excellent, I'm glad you agree," I said and stepped away from the podium. I think Celestia was ready to bust a gut laughing. Many of the generals from foreign services were looking at me strangely, the Equestrian military simply thought I was nuts, but the next speakers realized I had made their job infinitely harder.

Princess Celestia was wide awake, and unconcerned about it. The Monster lay across her chest, arms around her and her arms and wings enclosing him. She was wide awake and in the most blissful rest she had enjoyed in centuries. She was glad he was soundly asleep so couldn't see her tears freely flowing down her cheeks. She was so happy she felt she would burst.

He understood her, he was easy for her to understand, she could bring him joy as a mare would, not from political power, wealth and influence, but a soft bosom, warm and welcoming arms, and a lovesome spirit. It was as if she were again in the time before she'd been cast into the lonely prison of power and authority, where even her beloved students feared her and her wrath.

The illusion that he didn't rule but reigned while she ruled him was a pleasant illusion. Someone to share the endless paperwork with also helped. Although she still gave him the auto-reject pile, but with a less jaundiced eye he did wring a gem or two from the mountain of dross.

She still lusted for him and longed for the day they would consummate their union. But now she was content, without the fires that burned themselves out, or the coldness she so often felt, but a warmth that seemed to go on forever.

Omake

Princess Luna hated being wrong, and especially hated being in the wrong. So she was here, in the Royal Archives, trying to prove she was right, or at least not wrong. The accusation from The Monster had cut deep, perhaps deeper than he knew, but she was beginning to doubt that. She remembered the look on Celestia, her beloved sister's face, when Luna had insisted not only in separate beds going forward, but separate bedrooms.

It hadn't been anger, or even pity, she could have understood the first, and weathered the second. No it had been resignation. It had been Celestia knowing Luna was doing a foolish thing that would hurt them both, but resigned to allow her sister to try it and learn from it. What Luna had learned from it was still a raw wound.

Then The Monster's reaction to Her Highness Princess Luna's response to a challenge The Monster had never offered, and when it had failed, the attempt to murder him by one of her guards. It had been the same, resignation. Neither Celestia nor The Monster were angry or disappointed in her, because they didn't expect any better. That was a bitter gall that nagged at Luna.

So she was tracing the lineage of those who'd advised her in the past on how to be true Royalty. She had traced the line nearly to the present day, and while nothing jumped out as spectacular, nothing spectacularly bad jumped out either. Luna sighed and rubbed her eyes, she'd have to break off soon and help Celestia raise the moon and lower the sun, but she wanted something, anything to prove her advisers were ponies of quality.

Oh, a wedding with all of Canterlot attending, she thought and paged ahead, Celestia officiated, closing a gap in the ancient lines. Blah, blah.

A few more pages and she saw a birth announcement. That'll take me to the present day, Luna thought happily, Fancypants or maybe even Twilight's parents, that'll show Celestia.

"PRINCE BLUEBLOOD THE TWENTY-THIRD!" Luna shouted as she realized where the line led.

She briefly considered trying to chart the course through the ancestry a different way, and then realized it didn't matter, the scion of the line of her greatest advisers, was Blueblood the 24th. She closed the book and nodded to the attendants who would return them to the archives, while Luna performed her duties, and then beat her head against the wall until it stopped hurting.