Flutterbreeze and Shetland Hames: Manechester United

Chapters

Wanderers
Arsenal
Spurs
Hearts
Super Mare
Young Warriors
Angels

Wanderers

Golden rays of light from the setting sun shone off to his right as a blue pegasus flew over the green countryside of Prance. Flutterbreeze knew he would have to land soon. He had been flying the better part of the day and still had a great distance left on his journey.

The gentle breeze that had served as a tailwind was now replaced by a spray of warm, humid air that smelled of the sea, which blew from ahead. A break in the dense fog ahead allowed him sight of the shimmering waters beating against the bluffs.

‘Looks like my rest will have to come sooner, rather than later.’ He started descending to the ground, spotting what appeared to be an inn as lights were lit within. Flutterbreeze knew he could not fight the terrible force of his hunger any longer, and decided to take the opportunity to remedy his stomach’s sad plight.

Passing through the doors of the establishment, he came upon a quite varied scene. Over by one corner sat a group of salty seaponies that had come ashore in their dinghies after a day at sea.

A group of stallions sat in another corner talking about a game of hoofball they had seen, while a number of businessponies in top hats attempted to ignore them. Others littered the room, including a mime that wandered about.

He approached the innkeeper’s desk. The balding gentlecolt greeted him with a jolly complexion. “Greetings traveller, are you looking for accommodations for tonight?”

“I would like a room, thank you.” His stomach growled on cue. “And some supper.”

“Excellent, may I ask your name?”

After giving it a moment of thought, he decided he was far enough from his destination to use his real name. “Flutterbreeze.”

The innkeeper handed handed him a room key and pointed. “Down that hallway, last door on the left. Enjoy your stay!”

“Thank you.”

After checking out the room, which was cozy though not elegant, he went back to the common room to eat. When asked whether he wanted mushy peas, mash, bickies, or fairy cakes, he responded with “One of everything!” He didn’t know what any of it was and he hadn’t eaten all day, after all.

Although the food was clearly not, the seats were in the style of Prance. They were designed so that ponies would lay down on their sides while eating, head slightly elevated. The theory was that this posture aided digestion, but as Flutterbreeze tried it he decided it was more likely that they sat this way so they could feel decadent.

Just as he was taking the first bites of his bubble & squeak, some shady characters entered and the whole inn became quiet. What he assumed to be the leader of the group, a purple stallion flaunting a pompadour, scanned the room. Noticing the large quantity of food at Flutterbreeze’s table, they started to approach. ‘Gonna be one of those days.’

“Well look what we have here boys. That’s quite a spread you got there, pal. A real nosh-up! Got anything to share with us?”

“Some advice. Don’t pick a fight with somepony you don’t know.”

“Oh, looks like we got ourselves a joker here. Well I have a joke for you, what’s black and blue and red all over?”

“Luna’s biography.”

“Again with the jokes, this guy! You think you’re funny? Well I got news for ya. You are pretty funny, actually, but we’re still gonna rough you up a bit for loud-mouthing.”

Flutterbreeze sighed. He didn’t want to fight. He was still very tired and his stomach was empty. Still, the current conflict seemed unavoidable. “Have it your way. But isn’t it a bit cowardly to take me on one versus one, two, three... seven?” He was counting on the fact that goons like these were always cocky, and usually stupid.

“Don’t call me a coward, we’ll take you on with five.”

“You can’t do it with just two?”

“Three.”

“Deal.” It was a bit of an odd thing to haggle over, but it seemed to work in his favor. ‘Still, there’s no doubt the others will join in once the fight starts.’

As they all walked outside, Flutterbreeze tried to predict how the fight would go, planning his move. ‘Alright, when they come at me, I’ll turn and buck the two at his sides. The others will then rush in from behind, so I’ll fly up to take on their only two pegasi. That will leave just three more...’

“Ok hot shot,” said the gang leader, “I’ll make you a deal. If you can knock me out in one buck, we’ll leave you be.”

This caught the blue pegasus off guard.

“Nopony has ever been able to do it, though, so I wouldn’t get my hopes up if I were you.” A smug look spread across the stallion’s face. He took off his leather jacket, revealing a set of wings. He hovered a couple feet above the air. “Alright, come at me bro!”

‘He has a strong jaw. That’s why nopony can knock him out in one buck. That and the fact that most would just aim at the face.’ Flutterbreeze picked his target. Solar plexus, just below the sternum.

He focused his strength, taking a few deep breaths. He dug his hooves in and took a mighty leap at his foe, striking him underneath the ribcage with all his strength. The stallion was sent flying... well, more like falling, and landed hard on the ground. He appeared to be knocked out, and the others that had circled around Flutterbreeze now backed off, amazed.

‘Now I can eat in peace.’ He wasn’t particularly proud of the conflict, but Flutterbreeze would have been too tired to run... and he was hungry. He was glad that only one pony had to get hurt, though, and there shouldn’t be any permanent damage, except to his ego.

Flutterbreeze awoke the next morning after a wondrous sleep. Not even a horde of drunk, singing stallions woke him up. He picked up his mailbag and strapped it on. There were no letters, but it wasn’t empty. After returning the room key and paying the innkeeper he started to walk out the door.

“Wait!”

He stopped and turned around, looking for the source of the shout. He saw a familiar tall hairdo coming towards his quickly. ‘Not this again.’

“Hey, blue pegasus guy, hold up!” The purple stallion approached him alone with a confidant smile. “What’s your name?”

“Flutterbreeze.” he said, confused.

“I’m Pompadour, and I want to be your apprentice.”

“My what!?!”

“More like your disciple, really. After the way you trashed me, I knew, right there laying on the ground with my guts inside out, that I had to be more like you.”

“You’re kidding.”

“I’m serious! I disbanded my gang and everything. I’m not ready to be the leader of anything. Not yet, at least.”

“I can’t teach you anything, and even if I could, I don’t want to. You use force to bully and take from others.”

“Hey, a pony’s gotta eat. Besides, all I really want is to become as strong as I can possibly be. I’m always working my way towards the top. That’s why I have a staircase on my flank, and that’s why I want you to train me.”

“I’m just a mailpony.”

“A mailpony who could have taken down all seven of us last night if you needed to.”

“You’re the weirdest pony who’s ever tried mugging me. I’m sorry, but my answer is no. You aren’t coming with me and you aren’t following me.” Flutterbreeze flew off without another word.

“Like hell I’m not!”

In less than a minute, Flutterbreeze could see the shores of the island of Albion. The countryside was very green, filled with rolling hills, clumps of trees, and towns everywhere. Soon a thought hit him. ‘I have no idea where I’m going.’ He pulled a map from his mailbag to remedy this situation and continued on his merry way.

At last, just passed Trottingham, the city of Manechester came into view. He instinctively started looking for the post office before realizing that he wasn’t going to deliver mail on this trip. Flying past the burgeoning town to the hills just beyond, he spied the castle of Duke Mountague, his final destination. It was nowhere near as extravagant as Cantorlot, but was impressive in its own right.

He alighted near the main gate and waited to be let in. The gatekeeper looked confused, and so became Flutterbreeze as well. “Oh, the bag! I’m not here to deliver mail. I was invited as a guest.”

This confused the gatekeeper even more. “Wait here.” he said before going within, assumedly passing the message along to somepony else before retuning to the gate. An few awkward moments passed before the duke himself showed up.

“Ah, Sir Rufflepuff! Good to see you.”

At this the perplexed guard let the blue pegasus pass. He and the duke started walking through the castle’s courtyard and interior.

“I must admit I was surprised to see you here so soon. I only heard you were coming two days ago. Luckily I always have spare rooms available.” The duke had a very merry disposition as he talked. “It seems my gatekeeper mistook you for the post.”

“The mailbag I carry around often causes confusion. It’ remarkably spacious for its size and easy to carry though. But please tell me, your grace, how you first heard that I was coming.”

“Two days ago, I was honored by the visit of another guest who took me completely by surprise. He said a friend of his, meaning you, was also expected to arrive shortly. What he didn’t know was that you and I have already met.”

“Really? And who, sir, may I ask is this other guest?”

“Don’t you know? It’s none other than the renowned detective, Shetland Hames.”

Flutterbreeze facehoofed. “Of course... did he say anything else?”

“Only that you two were here on a matter of private business. I do hope, though, that you will have time to join in on some of social events around here during you stay. You are welcome to stay as long as you need to, the entire summer if you like.”

“Your grace, I am greatly indebted to you for your generous hospitality.”

“Oh, nonsense. It’s a treat having two gentlecolts such as yourselves stay at the castle. And please, Rufflepuff, call me Mountague, for I do hope we become friends during this time. Oh, I heard you were knighted recently, congratulations.”

“Must have been for coating his highness, Prince Blueblood in a mountain of cake!”

“Ahahaha! I can see no better reason! Yes, I think we will get along just fine, you and I.”

In his quarters, a lavish suite, Flutterbreeze set his bag down in a corner. He then turned toward around to face a large plant on the other side of the room. “I know you’re there.”

The leaves rustled. A grey stallion with brown mane and magnifying glass cutie mark emerged from the foliage. “How did you see me?”

“I didn’t. You haven’t bathed since we met back in Fillydelphia, Hames. You could have at least tried to use proper hygiene for the sake of our host.”

The earth pony sniffed himself. “Quite right. Perhaps you aren’t as slow-witted as I first thought.”

‘Just ignore him, Flutterbreeze... wow, I just realised, he’s short.’

“So this is it, the brilliant detective and the secret agent working together to solve the world’s crises. I hope you’re ready, old chap. We’re working against the machinations of one of the most devious and cunning criminal masterminds in all of Equestrian history!”

“Oh, I’m far more worried about something you might do.”

“More afraid of my own mistakes than of my enemies designs... quite right, old chap. I’ll bring you up to speed tonight. In the meantime, I’d best go wash off, lest the enemy smell my presence before I take my first step out the door.”

As the detective left, Flutterbreeze heaved a big sigh. ‘There’s no such thing as a ‘normal’ adventure, is there? If I make it till next year in one peace, my mind surely wont! Shetland Hames... who would have expected him to be so short?’

Arsenal

Flutterbreeze felt something poking his face. He waved his hoof at it, then rubbed his eyes and opened them. He felt awful. He was sore all over, and felt a searing pain on his forehead.

Looking over he saw Shetland Hames standing at his side. “What the blazes are you doing?”

“Ahh, good, you’re awake. That’s a good sign. That means everything checks out ok.”

“What you mean, everything checks out? What did you do to me?”

“Oh, just running a few tests while you were asleep. Seeing how your body responds to different stimuli. I must say, I am impressed that you’re able to move around. Most ponies would be incapacitated for at least a day.”

Flutterbreeze sat up, a huge pain cracked through his spine. “So what, you’ve been up all night hitting me with a hammer?”

“Not all night.”

“Is this what you do to everypony you meet?”

“Just looking out for your safety. I have to know how much you can handle, what your reflexes are like, how much pain you can endure, how long it takes for you to regain consciousness after... well, it would be better if you didn’t know.”

The pegasus struggled to stand up. “Sorry if I’m not feeling very grateful right now.” he groaned.

“I suggest you take a day off and rest a bit. You don’t want to break something. Not yet, at least.”

“And miss all the fun I’m sure we’ll have?” A bone cracked. “Ahhhhhhh! I’m not going to sit and watch because of your little experiments. But... I aaaaaaaaaaaaaaam going to eat breakfast first. And meanwhile you can tell me what we’re uhhhhhhhhp against.” Each step hurt, but he was at least starting to limber up. “And you! You are NOT going to do this to me again!”

Trixie sat on a half-burnt sofa at her apartment in Fillydelphia. ‘Face it, you’re bored.’ She ate a few cheesy alfalfa puffs. ‘You must be bored, you’re watching a marathon on the cooking channel... again.’ An ad came on. ‘Underwear? What a ridiculous idea. It’ll never catch on.’ She grabbed the remote magically and switched off the television.

“Sigh, what is a great and powerful Trixie to do with herself?” She looked over at a bag in a corner of the room. ‘Probably best not to... but he wouldn’t have left it with me if he didn’t trust me with whatever was in it.’

“Besides, I’m SOOOOOOOOOOOO bored!” She grabbed the bag and emptied its contents, a number of random papers, onto her desk, then started to read the one that ended up on top. “Notes on Xolotl, beast of the underworld: NEVER look at his face when he has his mask off.... Booooooooring.”

She set it aside and read a different paper. “Traitor suspects? Hmm, looks like a bunch of foals from Ponyville. Figures... Wait, traitors to what?”

She searched through the rest of the papers till she saw one that said “Trixie (The Great and Powerful)” on the top. ‘If you got bored or curious enough to read this you probably have figured out (or soon will) that I am a secret agent.’

“Oh, yeah, he’s REAL secret!”

‘If for whatever reason (though for the life of me I can’t find one) you need to find me, I’ve gone to stay with the Duke of Manechester. By the way, you are reading this in my voice, aren’t you?’

“Buck, I am!”

She went back to the list of traitor suspects. There was one clue on the bottom of the page. “It would be so easy to figure out. Even HE could do it, but apparently not! All one would have to do is go down to Ponyville and... Oh, no. I’m not THAT bored. I might be bored enough to talk to myself and watch the cooking channel all day while eating my neighbor’s snacks... but... oh buck it!”

“Alright, where do we start?” Flutterbreeze was nibbling a crumpet.

“Well, naturally we start with what we know.” said Shetland.

“Well?”

“Oh, right. Well, we know that we’re dealing with a crazed genius with access to one of the largest weapon caches in Albion. We know that this fiend has connections with the mob. And we know that he knows that we know this about him.”

“And who exactly is this madman?”

“That... I don’t know. BUT, don’t worry, old chap, for you see, evil genii are my speciality!”

“Do you at least know what he’s trying to do?”

“My best guess right now is that he’s trying to start war, from which his weapons caches could grant him an enormous fortune.”

“War profiteering? Is that the best you can come up with? Look, I’ve dealt with my share of evil... genii, and I can tell you this: They always want to conquer either Equestria, or the entire world.”

“Well, I’ve been on this case for a year now and you just started a couple days ago. Besides, I’m the brilliant detective here, you’re just extra muscle.” Shetland Hames lit his pipe.

“Seriously? You don’t even know the guy’s name!”

“I still know far more than you. You’re just a mailpony with some duct tape. Besides, you’re not the only agent on this mission.”

“What are you talking about?”

Shetland Hames showed him a letter, addressed to Flutterbreeze.

“Because of the high degree of difficulty for this mission... blah blah blah... we are sending in a second operative to help ensure the mission’s success.” He scratched his chin. “Interesting. Must be a slow day.”

“Must be...”

“Hmpf. Anyways, He wont be here for a few days. That should give us a good head start on this little mystery of ours. I suppose we’ll start digging at this criminal’s arsenal of terror?”

“Yes. I haven’t been able to get in yet but...” his eyes lit up. “I think I have the perfect job for you. If you don’t mind getting a little dirty, that is.”

“Of course not. Hey, wait a second! You’ve been in my mail again!”

Pompadour flew slowly over villages, fields, roads, and woods, ever looking downwards for a glimpse of the blue pegasus he had met the other day. He had long since lost sight of him, but he knew the direction he was headed, and he was more determined than ever. Besides, he had quite a lot of time on his hooves. All the time, in fact.

He never was a particularly strong flier. He was built like a draft horse with little wings stuck on. Not very fast, and without a lot of endurance, he relied on the fact that he had nothing better to do now but hunt for mailpony that now eluded him.

“Ugh, my aching wings. Perhaps it’s time for some breakfast.” Pompadour landed in a marketplace filled with stalls. ‘Now let’s see. What looks good today?’ Suddenly, a blue shape passed through the square. ‘Sorry stomach, you’ll have to wait!’ He started to follow Flutterbreeze, and the unknown stallion he was with.

Flutterbreeze followed Shetland Hames out of the city and they started to make their way through the woods. The detective leaned in to speak, “Don’t look now, but a most disreputable character has been following us for a while. Let’s hide in that bush and wait for him to pass us, then make a loop around and approach the factory from another angle.”
The pegasus nodded in agreement.

‘Haven’t seen them in a while.’ Pompadour thought. ‘Oh well, it’s not like there’s too much going on in the forest. I’m sure I’ll find them eventually if I just keep heading in this... whoa, didn’t see that coming.’

“Well, there it is, Foalgate toothpaste factory.” Hames and Flutterbreeze were sitting in the brush just outside the clearing that held the ominous dark building.

“Toothpaste?”

“That’s how they get away with a a giant factory out here in the woods. They make children’s toothpaste here along with weapons. Alright now, your first job is to get the guards away from this side of the building. Then-”

“What guards?”

“What do you mean, what guards? They have the whole building surrounded with- Oh, I see. Well in that case, just buck the door open, distract the security on the inside and let me do my thing. Meet me back here in an hour.”

“Do you hear something?”

“Sounds like small explosions of some kind. How odd. Anyways, let’s get moving.”

Pompadour ran as fast as he could, dodging trees and jumping rocks. Every few seconds a whizzing sound would go past him and a nearby tree would splinter a bit.

‘What in Equestria is going on here?’

Shouting continued behind him, and dogs started barking.

‘I don’t know what I did, but they sure don’t like it!’

“This door is solid metal, at least two inches thick. I’m not bucking it open.”

“Use that little flamey, sparkey gadget you have.”

“You mean the welding torch? I’m not trying to seal it. Here, just let me pick the lock.”

“Hurry, I think they’re coming back.”

“Just a moment... there!”

The door swung open, showing the backside of assembly lines of toothpaste bottles and dental floss. “Alright now, you cause a commotion, and I’ll have a look downstairs.”

“Peachy.”

“Minty, actually.”

“Whatever, just go on!” Flutterbreeze looked around at all the machinery. The processes appeared to be mostly automatic. He smiled and said to himself, “Alright, let’s have some fun shall we?”

He started pouring out vats of toothpaste ingredients onto the floor, bashing open crates, and creating a general mess of things. Eventually a couple of guards arrived, holding unusual looking weapons. Flutterbreeze dispatched them in a couple of hits, pulled a roll of duct tape out of his bag, and tied them up.

‘Just two? I must not be trying hard enough.’ He spotted the control room up a flight of stairs. ‘Jackpot.’ He flew up and kicked the door in. The ponies manning the controls ran off in fright.

Flutterbreeze used chairs to block off the doors, then proceeded to the controls. He mercilessly mashed buttons, pulled levers all the way to the breaking point, twisted knobs to their maximum. ‘I have no idea what I’m doing, but I love it!’

He spotted the intercom on the wall and pushed the big red button on it. A voice came yelling, “What is going on in there!?!”

“Hello? Yes, I’d like to order a pizza, large pineapple with extra olives.” The door pounded. “Thank you!” He bashed in the intercom, sending sparks everywhere. “I love my job sometimes!”

The door burst open, and the guards flooded in one at a time. Their weapons seemed to do them very little good as Flutterbreeze continued to bring them down one after the other. Some sent through the window, others face first into the wall. Eventually, though, the room filled up. They were coming faster than he could deal with them.

He started flying out the door into the open air of the factory, while at the same time pulling a cylinder with a string attached from his mailbag. He pulled out the string in a quick jerk and tossed the tube into the control room filled with guards. A second later, the small space was covered in a sticky adhesive that smelled awful.

The factory space was beginning to fill up with guards from the lower levels of the factory. ‘I sure hope Hames appreciates what I’m doing.’

Flutterbreeze flew towards the guards by the stairs, impervious as they pointed their weapons towards him. Suddenly the pressure of a boiling container of toothpaste gave way and exploded near the guards, coating them in a very hot and painful mess.

Flutterbreeze continued to brawl with the guards as they came up the stairs. One of them suddenly blocked his blows, deflecting all of his repeated attacks. “You idiot, it’s me!” He recognised the face of Shetland Hames in a guard’s uniform.

“No time to explain, just get us out of here!”

“Alright, hang on!” Flutterbreeze grabbed Hames and took off.

“Don’t fly, you’re too easy a target!”

“What?” A series of small explosions behind the pegasus, followed by a number of shattering windows in front, alarmed him. He swooped down low to avoid... whatever it was they were doing, flying quickly towards the door.

“Have you perhaps noticed that the door is shut!?”

Flying quickly towards a broken window, Flutterbreeze ignored the many “Duck!”s and “Left! Left! No you’re other left!”s of Shetland Hames. They slipped between the shattered glass and headed for the trees beyond the factory now in sheer chaos. As they hid in the canopy, Hames pointed back and said, “Wait for it, three more seconds...” A huge explosion ignited inside the factory, which was bursting into flames as its occupants fled the scene.

A shocked Flutterbreeze turned to him. “What did you do?”

A smug smile spread across the detective’s face. “I just blew up the factory.”

“Well, yes, but how?” He looked down at the weapon Hames had aquired. “And what are these things?”

“Well, if you haven’t figured it out yet I guess I’ll have to explain everything over tea when we get back.”

Spurs

“Hames, why are you still wearing that filthy uniform?”

“If you want to get inside your enemy’s head, sometimes you first need to get inside their trousers.... That came out wrong. Umm, anyways you wanted to know about the weapon. Right, here it is.” He spread it across the floor between them and started to smoke his pipe.

“What in Equestria do you do with this thing? There’s a big blunt end connected to a hollow metal tube... I honestly don’t see what you’d use a thing like for. It certainly didn’t help them in fighting me.”

“That’s because this is not a melee weapon. You were fighting them in close combat, negating the weapon’s ranged strength.”

“What?”

“You are far too simple-minded for this. Luckily you have me here to explain it to you. If you take a closer look at the device’s mechanisms, it is clear to see how it operates.”

“Enlighten me, great and all-knowing one!” he retorted.

“Fireworks, or at least the non-magical ones, are made with a mixture of sulfur, charcoal, and potassium nitrate, otherwise known as saltpeter, with extra metals added for color. This device uses the same explosive powder to send a small metal sphere flying down the barrel and towards the target with great speed and destructive force.” He motioned with his hooves as he spoke.

“And you used it to blow up the factory?”

The detective nodded. “They have been developing this weapon in secret for years, improving upon its design. I first discovered it after the untimely death of an inventor who had first conceived of the idea for these death bringers. Evil genii don’t like their acquaintances talking about their work, you see.”

“So you decided you would just let me find out about it when they started shooting at me? Nice surprise, there.”

“The last time I saw this weapon it was quite different. It was horribly inaccurate and took so long to load, they would have been entirely useless inside a building like that. They still aren’t very precise, thank goodness. In just the last few months they have upgraded their reloading and ignition mechanisms significantly, though. And worse, I found plans for further improvements of the weapon that would make it nearly impossible to fight against in the hooves of a skilled marksman. Assuming one does not have one of his own, of course. I did manage to fill my pockets with the plans, among other things.”

Flutterbreeze took a bite out of a crumpet, mulling over what he had heard. “So, what do you call a thing like this?”

“They call it a gunne, named after the wife of the late inventor, Gunnhilda. One more reason why I will never get married.”

“Never?”

“Never, there’s not a single female soul that appeals to me.” Hames looked off to his left and continued smoking.

“Hmmm.” He smirked at the detective. “You mentioned picking up some other things?”

Shetland Hames reached into a pocket and extracted a small metal object with a spiked circle attached to it.

“What’s that, a mini pizza cutter?” His smile faded as he saw the grave look on the detective’s face.

“Your premature theory on world domination has gained evidence recently, such as this. It’s called a spur. An ancient and crude device, the spur was used for slavery before Equestria was even founded, and still is used in some far-off uncivilized parts of the world.”

“They want to enslave ponies?”

“No doubt to provide labor for the many factories needed for such an endeavour. Weapons are just one part. There’s also ammunition, medical supplies, non-perishable food, not to mention taking care of large numbers of enemies. Whatever the case, the stakes have been raised in this little game.”

Without warning, Shetland Hames put the spur on his hoof and stuck Fluttebreeze on the flank. “Gahh!” The pegasus jumped forward, spilling his tea all over the fine carpet.

“Crude, but effective.”

“You have problems, you know that?”

Flutterbreeze started cleaning up the mess, fretting about how the carpet could be permanently damaged. He was thinking about how he would explain it to the duke when an unexpected sight grabbed his attention. The detective and secret agent were no longer alone, for walking across the carpet towards them was a small alligator... one Flutterbreeze had seen before.

“Hello Gummy. Good to see you again. Hames, this is Gummy, I’ve worked with him on missions before. I must say though, I never would have guessed he was the one who would show up for this one.” Gummy stared blankly towards the fireplace.

“You’ve got to be joking me. This is the other agent?”

“Agent Gummy is one of our most trusted operatives.” Shetland Hames simply laughed. “He may not look like much, but he is renowned for reducing impossibly complex and dire situations down to just a few simple moves, solving them with seemingly no action at all.”

“And here I thought I wasn’t going to be the only intelligent one on this mission...”

“Alright, mister omniscience, let’s hear the name of that villain, then.”

“Wait a minute... wait just a minute... THAT’S IT!” Hames darted off towards his room. Flutterbreeze picked up Gummy and followed him. The grey stallion rummaged through some old notebooks, madly crossing off names and marking others. Finally he slammed his quill down into a notebook, snapping it. “AHA! I’ve got it at last! It was so simple, it’s been right underneath my nose the whole time, staring me in the face, mocking me with it’s childlike simplicity.”

“What in Equestria are you talking about?” asked Flutterbreeze.

“I’ve found the identity of our twisted braniac. That evil, scheming madman who’s been mocking me for too long with his subtlety.”

“Well, who is it?”

“Turnip Stew.”

“What?”

“Turnip Stew. THAT is the name.”

“Turnip Stew? That’s such a stupid name! It’s boring and simple. It doesn’t sound threatening in the slightest.”

“Exactly! No stallion with any name recognition would have been able to elude me for so long. Do you know how many Stews there are in Albion?”

“No, but I bet you do.”

“Nopony does. There’s so many of them, at least one in every 30 ponies. Imagine that: You walk down a busy street and pass five ponies with the same last name, all completely unrelated. And Turnip! It’s got the be the most nonthreatening vegetable on the planet. Nopony would suspect a dentist with the name Turnip Stew to be a criminal mastermind.”
“A dentist named Turnip Stew is threatening to upset the peace and launch a campaign to take over all of Equestria...”

“Precisely. He’s connected to every link in this chain of events, and although he doesn’t like to leave hoofprints... there’s always a shadow cast. I’d say it’s time to cast one of our own, don’t you think?”

“No, I think it’s time for you to take a bath. You’re still covered in the blood, sweat, and mouthwash from earlier today, and I’m still sore from this morning.”

Before Hames could offer rebuttal, Duke Mountague entered the room, a little surprised by the scene. “So there you two are! Good grief what are you doing in here? Anyways, I was wondering if you gentlecolts would like to come with me to the football match tonight. I have a private box, being what the duchess likes to call a fanatic. Our boys are hosting Trottingham, and it should be quite a match.”

“I’m afraid we’re far too busy for such things at the moment.” said Hames.

“He might not want to, but I would be glad to come.” Flutterbreeze added. “Unlike him, I find sanity necessary for work.”

“Excellent. Oh, and who is this?” The duke looked down at the alligator who was now eating crumpets.

“That’s Gummy. I’m watching him for a friend of mine.” said Flutterbreeze.

“I see. Well, it’s almost time to leave, so I’ll meet you at the front gate when you are ready, Sir Rufflepuff.” Mountague tipped his hat and left the room.
“I’ll never get used to him calling me that...”
“Watching him for a friend? You are bad at making things up.”
“Well, it’s actually true. I am friends with Gummy’s owner. Hmm, I wonder if... no, she couldn’t be. Anyways, I will leave you to your thoughts, since I know how fond of them you are. Come along, Gummy!”
The toothless alligator climbed onto the back of the pegasus, who left the detective alone, who sat pondering and smoking his pipe for several hours thereafter.

Trixie climbed over a hill and caught sight of Ponyville at last. It brought back unpleasant memories. Of all the towns she had visited in her days as a performer, Ponyville was the worst experience by far.

This was her first time travelling in a long time without her wagon, and she knew this meant either sleeping outside on the ground or having to stay with somepony else. ‘Probably going to go with the first option.’ she thought to herself. She rested for a bit, watching the clouds, before heading into town.

‘Ok, make this as quick and painless as possible. Don’t draw attention to yourself, and whatever you do, stay away from-’ gasp “Twilight Sparkle?”

“Trixie?!? What in Celestia’s name are you doing here?” The outburst from the purple unicorn attracted the attention of other nearby ponies, who started whispering and chatting to one another as they recognised Trixie.

“The Great and Powerful Trixie is not here to waste time with you. I am here on important business, so if you you would be so kind as to tell The Great and Powerful Trixie where she can find...” she looked at the names on the list she now levitated before herself, “somepony named Frosty Scoop, she will be on her way!” She stuck her nose up in the air proudly, awaiting the response.

“Umm... she’s over that way, selling ice cream, but why-”

“The Great and Powerful Trixie does not have the time or the desire for idle chit-chat, so good day!” Trixie walked away quickly. She could feel past emotions surfacing as she saw the stares and gossip of the townsfolk. The fury... the embarrassment... ‘WHY DID I EVER DECIDE TO DO THIS!?!’

“Hames. Hey Shetland! HAMES!” The shout and a hoof waved in front of his face
snapped the detective from his thought, back to reality. Flutterbreeze was standing before him, along with Gummy. “Hey, have you been sitting there this whole time?”

“I’ve been... thinking.”

“Well, it’s close to midnight now. You didn’t forget to eat did you, or sleep, or breath? I suppose you are smoking, which is kind of like breathing. Anyways, Gummy and I are going to sleep, and you are NOT coming in the room in the middle of the night this time. I suggest you actually try to sleep, or at least lay in bed and pretend to be normal. Hey, Hames! Have you been listening?”

“Uh, what? No, no I haven’t.”
*facehoof* “Ugh, goodnight Hames, and please take off that filthy uniform. Oh, I almost forgot, I got Mountague to set up a bath for you by the door, so you can wash up before you come in next time.”

The detective mumbled an incoherent reply. It would be some hours before he finally made his way to his bed. He first had to collect his thoughts about all the information he had gathered that day. The things he found at the weapons factory, the identity of the villain behind it all, the motives and schemes... it was all piecing together. By morning he would have a plan for their next move in this “game”.

Hearts

“Ugh, this town of crazy ponies! I hope it’s almost over.” Trixie had been wandering the streets of Ponyville interrogating its citizens until after sunset. A great deal of suspicion was aimed towards her, and she could never get away from the awkward, almost malicious stares that followed her wherever she went.

“Once I leave this town, I’m never coming back here again! Such rude behavior, and by such odd-mannered ponies, like that unicorn that sits vertically, or that dragon that burps up letters. Eeuughh!”

She looked over the list of names one more time. There were a number of ponies left that she had not seen, and none of the ones that she had seemed suspicious. There was that one pony, though, who was away “on vacation”, who fit the clue pretty well also.

It was pitch black outside, very late, or rather very early in the morning. Not a soul was wandering the streets. It was time to investigate.

She crept along as stealthily as she could manage. A few ambient sounds caught her attention, and soon had her wary and jumpy. At one point she thought she heard hoofsteps behind her. ‘Don’t worry, Trixie, nopony wants to hurt you, no matter how unfeeling they may be to travelling performers who get in over there head from time to time. Eek, what was that? ...nothing. Sigh, I’m sure I’m just getting all worked up over nothing.’

‘Is this the right building? No, the next one.’ She approached the correct door, then turned to scan her surroundings. ‘All clear. Now just a simple unlocking spell and... voila! Trixie, you are great and powerful indeed.’

Entering the building, she noticed a great many fans of various shapes and sizes lining the walls and shelves of the store. The floor creaked a bit under her as she walked towards the stairs to the suspect’s private rooms above. ‘Another locked door, as expected.’

The door squeaked open, revealing a room dark enough to make the outside night seem like high noon in comparison. She used an illumination spell, which covered the room in a faint purple glow. ‘Dim, but still better than no light at all...’ She looked around the room as her eyes adjusted to the dim light. A bed, a wardrobe, a desk, no windows. ‘It think I may have found it at last. She looked through the desk drawers, all completely empty.

“Hmmm, so you think you can outsmart the Great and Powerful Trixie?” Her horn started to glow, and the magic enveloped the desktop, which then started to jiggle ever so slightly. “I knew it. Now, there’s probably some sort of latch, or secret switch, or something... oh, the heck with it!” She focused all her strength into her telekinetic powers, the desk started to creak, shake, and finally the desktop snapped off, sliding to the side to reveal a secret compartment underneath. “Trixie, you are amazing.”

A few files and some pens were inside. She briefly glanced over one labelled “Flutterbreeze” and then put them all into her bag. ‘He’s going to owe me a big favor after this one... then again, he did save me from those lizard things that one time. But they only did it to set a trap for him... but he did let me eat all of his snacks and use his cable TV...’ ’She replaced the desk top and dimmed the room again, closing the door behind her as she left.

She opened the front door, and then stood frozen in terror. Outside waiting for her was Twilight Sparkle, and she did not look happy. Trixie let out a shriek and sprinted, fleeing from the other unicorn that chased after her. Twilight caught Trixie’s tail in her magic, who then fell to the ground.

The purple unicorn stood over her menacingly and began the interrogation.

“Why did you come back, Trixie? Are you seeking revenge?”

“no...”

“Are you stealing bits?”

“no...”

“Why did you break into Mr. Breezy’s shop?”

“I... he...”

“Why have you been going around looking for ponies you don’t even know?”

“I... I’m helping a... a f... a friend...”

“You have a friend?”

“Yes, I have a friend!” Trixie was now fighting back tears. “The Great and Powerful Trixie can have friends too!”

Twilight thought about her words, realizing they may have been a bit hurtful. “Well, who is this ‘friend’ of yours?”

“You wouldn’t know him.”

“Just tell me the name!”

“It’s... Flutterbreeze.”

“Whaaaaaaa? You know him?”

Trixie nodded meekly. “He’s my neighbor.”

“Flutterbreeze is your... wait, I thought you didn’t have a permanent home?”

“I have an apartment now. Thanks to what happened last time I was in Ponyville, I’ve had to stop my life as a travelling performer... for now.”

“Oh... I suppose you did lose your whole cart and ran off without your things...”

“Let me go.”

“First tell me, what does Mr. Breezy have to do with Flutterbreeze? What have you been doing?”

“I can’t tell you. All I can say is I was looking for somepony who’s been trying to harm Flutterbreeze, and I now know that it is this... Mr. Breezy.”

“You can’t be serious.”

“Let me go.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

“Let me go!”

“...alright Trixie.”

She released the magic spell holding Trixie, and the blue unicorn sped off, not once turning back. ‘I can have friends too...’

Twilight was left puzzled by all she had heard. She knew there was something more to Flutterbreeze than just a simple mailpony, but she didn’t know what. She also had serious doubts to his trustworthiness. His actions had seemed honorable, but he hid the truth about himself, which led her to believe that he had something to hide that was at best unusual, and at worst malevolent.

His association with Trixie further added to her doubts, and she certainly could not trust much of what the showmare had said, even if it didn’t sound like the kind of story she would make up. She decided she would talk about it with her friends later, and together they would decide whether or not to report this to Princess Celestia.

As the first morning light forced its was through the curtains, Shetland Hames stood over the sleeping Flutterbreeze, holding a bucket of water. Gummy laid unconscious on the floor nearby. He spoke in a soft tone that wouldn’t rouse an insomniac from their dreams.

“Flutterbreeze... I say, old chap wake up. I’m warning you, get up or I’ll dump it on you.”

He tipped the bucket over, dumping its contents on the face of the pegasus, who then suddenly leaped out bed. “GAAAAH!”

“I warned you.”

“WHY? Why do you insist on tormenting me like this? I told you not to come in here!”

“You said not to come in during the night. As you can see I waited until morning.”

“I don’t care! Stay away from me when I’m sleeping!” He looked over at the comatose alligator laying on the floor. It was clearly not a natural sleeping position.

“What did you do to Gummy?!?”

“Just testing a mild anesthetic.”

“I told you not to do this anymore!”

“You said not to do it to you. You never mentioned alligators.”

“Stop doing these things! Get out of here, I don’t want to talk to you right now. Besides, I have to explain our situation to Gummy when he comes to.”

“Clearly.”

“You’ll be lucky if he agrees to help us after what you did. Go on, shoo!”

“What would I ever do without him?” the detective mumbled, leaving the room.

“Well, you’re in luck Hames. Gummy’s a very patient agent, and he’s still on board with this mission.”

“I was worried there for a minute.” The detective was looking over his notes on Turnip Stew with great detail.

“Well, are you coming or not?”

“Going where?”

“Lunch?”

“I have no time for lunch. Besides, even if I wanted to eat I could just ask for somepony to bring my something.”

“Again I am reminded why I wonder whether you are alive or not. Fine, just sit here... and take off that uniform!”

The streets of Manechester were abuzz with activity. Street vendors peddling their wares, businesstallions and gentlecolts on their way to things far too important, and every other manner of citizenry. “Alright, what does the Manechester cuisine have to offer? What do you think, Gummy?”

The alligator looked around and sniffed the air, then hopped off Flutterbreeze’s back and began walking down the street. Gummy led the pegasus through the filthy streets of town. He seemed to know where he was going, but Flutterbreeze couldn’t figure out his plan, and was growing more hungry by the second.

Rounding one last corner, his jaw dropped. He stood speechless as he watched the alligator walk over to a particularly familiar and completely pink pony. Gummy bit and tugged on her tail to get her attention.

“Oh there you are, Gummy! You sure do like to wander off.” Pinkie Pie lifted him onto her back before noticing the awkward blue pegasus who was staring at her. “Flutterbreeze? Oh my goodness what a surprise this is to see you here, not that that’s a bad thing I mean I love surprises but what are youdoingherewereyouwithGummythewholetime- Oh, I mean. Hi!”

She started bouncing up and down. Flutterbreeze scratched his head and started to reply. “Hello. I certainly wasn’t expecting to see you here...”

“Oh, well Gummy really really really wanted to come to Manechester for some reason that I still don’t know, so I decided I would take another trip and take him here and that’s OK because I like travelling cause you can see so many new things and meet new ponies which is fun... but Gummy wandered off as soon as I got here and I’ve been looking around for him and here he is. And here you are too, SURPRISE!”

“I’m here on... vacation. Gummy’s been with me since yesterday, by the way.” His stomach growled. “And we were just about to get some lunch.”

“Lunch sounds really good right now.” she groaned. “I’ve been walking, well more like bouncing around all morning and I haven’t eaten anything so I’m hungry and I bet Gummy’s hungry cause he’s always hungry, not that I think you haven’t fed him or anything it’s just that he gets hungry a lot and sometimes he sneaks cupcakes or muffins when nopony is looking-”

“I see. So, the only question that remains is: what to eat?”

The two ponies and alligator managed to find an open-air restaurant in a part of town that didn’t reek of coal smoke. Instead, the delicious fumes from steamed vegetables and fruit salads filled the air. Pinkie nibbled on sugar cane and Flutterbreeze enjoyed a dish of broccoli with cheese sauce while Gummy shoved his face into a bowl of applesauce.

“So how long are you planning on staying here?” asked the pegasus.

“I’m not sure. It’s really up to Gummy, but he hasn’t told me what he’s doing here yet. He was with you, though. Did he tell you?”

“He hasn’t spoken a word about it. But, I think he may be involved in what I’m doing here at the moment.”

“What are you doing right now?”

“Umm... I shouldn’t really say.”

“Why not? Is it a secret? I can keep a secret. Tell me! Tell me! Tell me!”

Flutterbreeze became a bit nervous. Luckily their attention was diverted by a pegasus flying wildly into the awning above them, then bouncing off and falling to the sidewalk. A face popped up into view from below the table and looked at Flutterbreeze with crossed eyes.

“Are... you ok Derpy Hooves?”

“Muffinz?” She shook her head. “Uhh, yes I’m fine... and I finally found you! I knew I would, but you haven’t been at the post office all day and- Oh, hi Pinkie!”

“Hi!” Pinkie smiled and waved.

“Anyways, you haven’t been at the post office all day and I have a letter for you, but now I found you!”

“I’m not delivering mail on this trip-”

“I’ll say. You’re clearly on a romantic getaway with Pinkie Pie.”

The two other ponies gave each other a confused glance, then looked back at Derpy Hooves, who started dramatizing.

“Don’t worry, I’ll keep your elopement a secret. I bet it’s a romantic and tragic tale, all your friends and relatives disapprove but nothing can ever separate you from your true love!” Her expression returned to normal, or at least what is normal for her. “Anyways, here’s your letter.” She waved at Pinkie Pie as she flew off, who returned the gesture.

“What was all that about, Flutterbreeze?”

“I don’t know... I think she’s writing a fanfiction story or something... oh my. Its’... a letter from the princess!”

“Reeeeeeeeally? What does Celesia have to say?”

“Not Celestia... Luna” he said her name softly, recalling fond memories.

“Princess Luna? What does she want?”

“I think I know what it’s about, but I can’t open it here.”

“Why not?”

“It’s a private matter.”

“Why are you keeping all these secrets from me?” Her tone was becoming more irritated. “Don’t you trust me?”

“Of course I do. It’s just... the fewer people who get involved, the better. For your own protection, the less you know, the better.”

Pinkie was still looking at him with big, sad eyes.

“I’m sorry, but that’s the way it has to be... But if there’s anything else you’d like to talk about, I’m more than willing.” He gave a weak smile.

There was a short period during which neither of them spoke. Flutterbreeze was worried about causing a rift between them, but Pinkie broke the silence at last.

“I’ve been wondering... why does your cutie mark have a balances thing in the middle of the envelope thing?” Flutterbreeze facehoofed. “Is it cause you carry such a large weight of mail, or do you eat a lot of balanced breakfasts, or is it for the large “scales” at which you deliver mail, or... what?”

He sighed. “What I normally tell ponies is that it’s because I deliver so many jury duty summons, but...” Pinkie started giggling at this. “but that’s not the truth.”

She stopped laughing as a look of intrigue spread across her face. “What is the truth?”

He sighed again and murmured. “I don’t think I can do this any longer...” He raised his voice now. “All right, can you swear to me that you will not tell anypony?”

Her eyes widened in excitement. “Yes!”

“Even your friends and family?”

“Yes...”

“This is very important, and very few ponies know this. It must remain confidential.”

“I Pinkie promise not to tell anypony, and I NEVER break a Pinkie Promise.”

“Ok then...” he glanced over his shoulders quick and whispered to her. “The truth is... I am really a secret agent, and I’m here on a mission.”

“Really? Oh that’s so cool! I-”

He hushed her, and she started to whisper excitedly. “I’ve always imagined what it must be like to be a secret agent, using all sorts of cool gear and doing exciting missiony things, saving ponies in distress, fighting the bad guys.” She karate chopped the table, sending a fork flying into her hair, which stuck.

“You know, me and my friends did something like that once where we became the Mysterious Mare-do-Well. It was a lot of fun. We should do it again some time. I guess this explains why you were battling monsters in Ponyville that one time. Normally mailponies don’t do that. Or do they? You know, I’ve never really asked that, and I’m not a mailpony, obviously, so I wouldn’t know, it just seems like the sort of thing they normally wouldn’t do. It’s good that you’re a secret agent and not something bad like a mafia hit-pony or an evil genius or a vampire or...”

On the way back to the castle, Flutterbreeze was stopped by a shady-looking stallion in a fedora, who stared at him and spoke in a sinister voice.

“The master wishes to speak with you.”

Flutterbreeze raised an eyebrow. “Really, because I rather doubt that.” He recalled the fact that these henchmen still thought he was actually Shetland Hames.

“He wishes to meet with you at his office, regular hours.”

“The tooth fairy’s only supposed to see you when you’ve lost a tooth.”

“Do you want me and the guys across the street to help you with that?”

Flutterbreeze looked at the mentioned thugs. They seemed pretty sturdy, and were well armed. “Alright, I’ve been overdue for a check-up anyways.”

“Bring your crocodile, but nopony else.”

“Actually he’s an alligator-”

“I don’t care! Just bring him. Now move along.”

Flutterbreeze warily walked away. ‘Some ponies just have no sense of humor.’

“Hames, what can you tell me about...” as Flutterbreeze entered the room, he found Shetland Hames surrounded by empty toothpaste tubes and sitting on a now ruined carpet. he was furiously brushing at his teeth. “What are you doing this time, Hames?”

“It seems the fiendish dentist has added several addictive substances to the toothpaste and dental floss. In addition to being an effective way to end Equestria’s poor dental hygiene, it’s put him in a position of leverage over the susceptible youth.”

“You really need to get out more.”

“What makes you think I haven’t been out?”

“Anyways, I wanted to ask you about this evil dentist of ours. How would you rate him as far as maniacal genii go?”

“He’s among the most intelligent criminal minds I have faced, and more importantly he has the ambition to see his plans through. Still, he’s no Marearty, and he’s no match for my intellect.”

“Marearty?”

The detective sighed and faced the fireplace. “She was the greatest criminal mastermind that ever lived, and the only one to have ever outsmarted me... twice. Evil, psychotic even, pure genius, cunning, manipulative, seductive... and then we went over a waterfall and that was that. I am here, and she isn’t.”

“You don’t honestly believe she’s dead?”

“There is no evidence of her survival... but they never found a body. I will remember those days both fondly and with horror.”

“Hames...” Flutterbreeze had a smirk on his face now. “If I didn’t know any better I’d say you had feelings for Marearty.”

“You don’t know better. How could I possibly have feelings for... a criminal.”

“Let’s see, a mare who’s as smart as you, yet whose mind is just as warped, someone who has seductive charms...”

“You are being absolutely ridiculous.”

“Says the pony who’s eating toothpaste.”

“I’m not eating it... well not all of it.”

“Anyways, where is Turnip Stew’s dental office?”

“...What are you planning?”

“He wanted to meet with me.”

“That can’t be true. If anything he’d want to see me.”

“Yes but they think I’m you.”

“Still? My goodness they are more slow-witted than I thought. It’s on Mane Street, open from eight to four. And... don’t do anything too stupid.”

“There goes my plan.” he joked, and the two finally exchanged a laugh.

Super Mare

Turnip Stew hummed a tune as he worked his sharp instruments into the the suffering pony below him. The dentist looked up, wiped his brow, and said, “There we are, mister Banks, your root canal is finished. Please try to remember to brush, and maybe next time you’ll find your visit more... enjoyable.”

The pony nodded, not wanting to speak or move his mouth at all.

“Missus Line! Who is the next appointment?” the dentist called down the hallway.

“It’s Coal Sack, sir!” the response came back in the same manner. The receptionist turned around to see a blue pegasus and an alligator standing at the desk. The old mare knew he was expected, and directed him to the appropriate room. “Doctor Stew will be with you in a minute, mister Hames, just take a seat.”

He set Gummy down on a counter and lounged on the chair. Opera music drifted through the building from an unknown source. A few moments passed before Turnip Stew arrived, carrying a manila folder in his mouth. He saw Flutterbreeze, paused a moment and sighed, then set the folder on the counter. The evil dentist spoke with a minty tone of voice.

“You are NOT mister Sack. Then again, the old chap hasn’t had a check-up in over ten years. A pony can change a lot in that time.” Turnip chuckled, as if he had just said something witty. “It’s a sad day when you realize just how stupid one’s underlings can be. Shetland Hames is not a pegasus, and you are not a detective.”

“Sorry to disappoint you.”

“Life is full of disappointments. Patients who don’t brush their teeth, a toothpaste factory destroyed by... an industrial accident, the total incompetence of...” The dentist turned to Gummy and held his mouth agape in shock. “My word... what have you been feeding him?”

“Oh he’s not mine-”

“It looks like he’s been eating nothing but pure sugar for years by the look of his teeth, or lack thereof.”

“That’s quite possible-”

“You should be ashamed. So many teeth wasted...” A crooked smile spread across his face. “You know, you can tell a lot about a pony by looking inside their mouth. And I’m not referring to your lunch of broccoli. I’m curious as to why the detective picked you to be his new assistant.”

“He didn’t pick me, and I’m not an assistant.”

The dentist chuckled once again. “So naive...” His voice was just slightly upsetting by this point. “I had hoped to see him once, before my plans were enacted. He has quite the reputation, you know. But what about you? You destroyed a perfectly good toothpaste factory. That was quite naughty of you. Think of all those poor, unhygienic children... such a pity.”

A call came from down the hall. “Doctor! We have a dental emergency out here!”

Turnip facehoofed. “This had better be a serious case...” He left the room to investigate.

Flutterbreeze examined the room. Diagrams of teeth and jaws covered the walls. Various dental equipment was scattered about. Meanwhile, Gummy was eating the contents of the folder on the counter.

The voice of the dentist could now be heard again from another room. “I don’t care if you don’t want an appointment. You are getting one, so sit down!”

The evil mastermind poked his head in the doorway and said, “I’m afraid our time today will have to be cut short. I have no further need of you anyways... good day.”

The confused pegasus and the alligator were left alone once again. Shouts and drilling could be heard from another room as they walked down the hall.

They passed by the receptionist, who was staring at them eerily. “Have a nice day now, dearie.” Her tone was just creepy enough to put Flutterbreeze on edge. He paused at the doorway, and sniffed. There was a strong odor... coal dust? He gave a hard kick behind him, which was not wasted. A large stallion had been standing behind him, brandishing a shovel (why he brought one to the dentist’s office Flutterbreeze could never determine). The stallion was dropped to the ground from the blow as the pegasus fled the office.

Flutterbreeze wasted no time in returning to Manechester Castle, taking to the air. He was able to arrive without further incident with Gummy clinging to his tail.

Safely in the courtyard, he breathed heavily and spoke, mainly to himself, “That’s why you should always make an appointment before seeing the dentist... that and make sure he’s not a murderous psycho with evil intentions of world domination... Are you feeling ok, Gummy?

Shetland Hames sat on the floor, which was covered with gun parts and the plans for such weaponry. ‘And it seems my brilliant mind has just made yet another breakthrough... Oh, he’s back in one piece I see. No sign of injury, either. That’s a bit of a surprise. Alligator has an upset stomach, probably from swallowing toothpaste or fluoride, regurgitation is a distinct possibility.’

“Hames?”

“Oh what, yes?”

“Well, big surprise, he didn’t want to see me.”

“What did he tell you?”

“The only thing of importance is that his plans are almost complete.”

Hames opened his mouth to ask a question, but decided against it, instead inquiring in a leery tone, “What did you tell him?”

“Only that I am not your assistant.”

“But you are my assistant.”

“I am NOT your--”

Flutterbreeze was cut off mid-sentence by a large weight falling on him, pinning him to the ground. It took only a couple seconds to realize it was a pony that had landed on him, which removed itself hastily from his back... or should I say, herself.

“Trixie!?!”

“Yes, it is I, the Great and Powerful Trixie!” the blue unicorn exclaimed dramatically.

“We all know that...” the detected said, unimpressed. A confused look from Trixie followed him.

Flutterbreeze, still in disbelief, began stammering “Why... How... When... Who...?”

“Stop making a fool of yourself, old chap, it’s all so obvious.” Hames continued in his nonchalant voice.

“Will you let Trixie speak!” yelled Trixie. “Everypony here is crazy, just like in Ponyville. I had to teleport in here because the guards wouldn’t let me in. I said I knew you but they just looked at me like I was crazy...”

“You inquired after Flutterbreeze?” asked Hames, knowing what the issue was.

“... yes, of course.”

“Oh, that’s right!” exclaimed Flutterbreeze. “They know me as Sir Rufflepuff here.”

“Sir Rufflepuff? That’s absurd! Anyways, the reason the Great and Powerful Trixie is here... The Great and Powerful Trixe went to Ponyville, which I am NOT going to talk about, and I took along your little list, and I found that traitor you were looking for.”

“You what???”

“I discovered the identity of your traitor. See, I even have proof right here.” She levitated the files out of her bag over to Flutterbreeze, who looked them over excitedly.

“Trixie, this is... amazing!”

“I know.” She was beaming with her self-pride.

“But, how did you get here. It’s not like you can walk here? Even if it wasn’t an island it’s too far. And I know you can’t teleport THAT far.”

“The Great and Powerful Trixie may have... borrowed some money for a chariot ride here.”

“...You mean my money. Well, I don’t care, cause this is great, thanks. You saved me quite a bit of work. But, where is... Mr. Breezy now?”

“On vacation” she made quotation marks in the air with her hooves as she said this.

“I see. I guess it’ll be awhile before I catch him, then. Unfortunate...”

The collection of papers that Gummy had ingested were tormenting him throughout the entire conversation, but at this moment his inner strength was defeated and he resigned to allow the contents of his stomach to cover the floor... much to the dismay of the Great and Powerful Trixie.

“Eww, eww, eww, eww! That’s so gross! You horrid little beast, stay away from me!”

Trixie fled from the aligator, who slowly pursued her around the room. Flutterbreeze stood worrying about how much the now-ruined carpet was worth. Meanwhile, the detective inspected the contents of the vomit, elated at what he found therein. (He’s probably the only pony who’s ever been excited at what he found inside crocodile barf.)

“This... is truly brilliant! Ha.. Ha ha, ha hahahahaha!” His laughter caught the attention of the others, who were truly puzzled by this sudden outburst. “This, my friends is it! The last piece of the puzzle that I was looking for. Turnip Stew’s master plan come to fruition! Just in time, too. It’s happening tonight! Oh wait, that says Thursday, not Tuesday. Ok, it’s happening two days from now!”

“Turnip Stew’s plans? That’s what Gummy ate in the dentist office? What is it, what is he going to do?”

Trixie, left out of the conversation began trying to remove Gummy from her tail, who had finally managed to catch her and bite on to it.

“Don’t you worry.” continued Hames. “By morning I’ll have everything worked out, after all, I am the greatest mind in Equestria!”

“Why do you never tell me anything!”

“All in good time.”

“Can I at least look at the documents?”

“They are encoded, so no, you can’t read them.”

“I’ve decoded messages before.”

“Maybe in secret-agent kindergarden, but this is a mastermind of proportions-”

“WILL SOMEPONY TELL THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE WHAT IS GOING ON?!?”

The two stallions, whose faces were just inches apart by this point, turned to look at the unicorn. Flutterbreeze was the first to speak. “Well, we’re trying to stop an evil dentist from taking over and/or destroying Equestria... and it seems something is about to happen... but Shetland here wont tell me what’s going on... OH, by the way, this is Shetland Hames, the infamous detective, and Hames this is my neighbor, Trixie.”

“I know that...”

Trixie appeared slightly creeped out by the detective.

“Anyways, I’m sure the last thing you want to do right now is get involved in this... thing. So, I’ll go tell the duke about the... mess, and that we need another room for tonight...”

“You two aren’t going to share?” asked the detective.

“No!” they shouted in unison, before exchanging awkward looks. Flutterbreeze whispered to her, “You might want to sleep with one eye open tonight. Hames might come in and use you as a test subject or something.” A very disturbed look spread across her face.

He then walked over to the detective, pulled him close, and said angrily, “So help me, stay out of her room or I will murder you. Not tonight, not in the morning, not ever, understand?” Hames nodded, and Flutterbreeze left the room.

A very awkward silence followed. Trixie was still disturbed by the thought of somepony entering her room while she slept and doing... anything, really. The detective didn’t say a word to her, and neither did Gummy, who was too busy chewing on her tail.

Young Warriors

“WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP!!!”

As Flutterbreeze travelled the distance from his bed to the ceiling in half a second, his heart nearly stopped. He slowly drifted down towards the floor, dazed. When he was standing, he shook his head and looked about. Shetland Hames stood in a corner, which was no surprise to the pegasus. What was shocking, however, was seeing a widely grinning Pinkie Pie standing before him.

He blinked a few times. “What in Equestria is going on here?”

Shetland thought to himself, ‘He asks a lot of very obvious questions.’ Pinkie, however, responded in song.

“ITS MORNING!

Good morning, good morning, cause it’s a sunny day!

Good morning, good morning, it makes me say hooray!

The sun has come up, and the animals did too!

So good morning, good morning, good morning, to you!

Oops, I forgot an apostrophe!”

As Hames pondered the last words, Flutterbreeze blinked some more and said, “Well... I must say I’ve never started out a day quite like this before. But I still don’t understand why Pinkie Pie is here, or why I had to get up this early.”

Pinkie Pie was going to start another song, but Hames interrupted. “You are very hard to wake up in the morning, I’m afraid. I tried several medieval torture devices before I realized that wasn’t going to work. So while I was looking around for something startling enough I happened across this pony. It seems to have worked quite well.”

“Alright, but why did you need to wake me up so urgently?”

Hames knew he couldn’t pass on the information with Pinkie Pie still in the room. She was bouncing up and down in a circular path. Hames walked over and shoved her out an open window as she passed by. She let out a yelp, and Flutterbreeze’s jaw dropped in a horrified expression.

“You do realize we are on the fourth floor?”

“She won’t receive any injuries that last longer than six months.”

Flutterbreeze stood speechless, but in a few moments Pinkie Pie stuck her head back in the window and said, “See you later Flutterbreeze! Bye Gummy!” She popped back out again.

Hames investigated the window, but could find no sign of the pink pony or her means of reaching the window. “How did she do that?”

“You tell me, detective. First, though, tell me why I am awake right now. We can talk about your habit of pushing ponies off great heights later.”

Hames returned to a more serious disposition. “Turnip Stew isn’t going to wait until tomorrow. I intercepted a message from one of his minions. It said to move forward with his plans tonight. I assume it’s to prevent me from stopping him since I now know what he’s doing.”

“And that would be...?”

“I only want to explain once, so you need to wake up the unicorn first.”

“Trixie? Why? You can’t seriously be thinking of sending her out on a dangerous mission with us... oh wait, you can.”

“I wouldn’t rely on her except for one reason: magic. We need magic to stop Turnip Stew, and she’s the most readily available source.”

“You really would make a great villain... alright, I’m in no mental condition to argue right now. I think Mountigue has a pair of cymbals in the music room...” The pegasus mumbled the words as he started heading down the hall, rubbing his sore eyes.

Flutterbreeze retrieved the instruments (of torture, as Trixie refers to them) and snuck up outside the room where she was sleeping. ‘Nothing quite makes me feel better about having no sleep than doing this...’

“Hehehehehehe... Muahahahahaha! Buahahaaaa- AHH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! Yes... yes... the time of our awakening is at hand. Go forth my puny stupid minions, and bring terror to the world. Soon all of Equestria will be shaking at the sound of my voice and the shimmer of my perfect teeth.”

“Sir, who are you talking to?” A confused pony asked as he entered the room. Turnip Stew, who had been maniacally laughing and making exclamations to a dark, empty room, turned around and glared at him. The pony cowered in fear of his master’s retribution.

“Do not question my methods, you insignificant oaf! My mind works in ways mere mortals cannot yet fathom. Soon, all will understand, though...” He was once again speaking to himself, or to some imaginary listener rather than the only other pony in the room. “No longer will I suffer the insolences of pony-kind who dare treat me as their equals. No longer will I clean the teeth of young foals who scoff at brushes and floss, NO LONGER... will...” His consciousness came back to reality, and he looked at the disturbed underling of his. “Is everything set?”

“Yes sir.”

“Then see to it, and may no pony fail me this day. My mind’s influence may guide you all, but I cannot protect you from ignorance... GO!”

“Scurry like a frightened squirrel” would be an appropriate phrase to describe the movements of the subordinate pony as he fled the room. Within moments, Turnip Stew began his impassioned, maniacal laughter anew. One fearful thought did strike a nerve in him, however, cutting his session short. ‘I must prepare myself...’

“Does the Great and Powerful Trixie need to destroy every pair of cymbals in Equestria to get her sleep?”

“Don’t you think one fireball was enough?” Flutterbreeze said, stroking his charred mane and beard.

“Apparently not. I don’t see why the Great and Powerful Trixie should be awoken in such a vulgar, barbaric manner.”

“I woke you up early because we need you to risk your life helping us on our foolhardy escapades.” Even though Flutterbreeze was serious, it was hard for him to say this with a straight face. It was no surprise to him when Trixie responded by creating a storm cloud over his head.

“I know you aren’t going to like it,” he continued, “but the fate of Equestria rests in our hooves, and we need magic to stop a crazy dentist from enslaving all ponykind.”

“The last thing The Great and Powerful Trixie would want to do is lose sleep to go on a stupid mission with you and your friends to stop some dentist. You can count me out! Besides, what has Equestria ever done for Trixie, hmm?”

The now soggy pegasus maintained a stern look. “I wasn’t asking if you wanted to, or if you would. You will help us, because if you don’t I promise I will fill your life with eternal suffering.”

“What can you do to torture me you haven’t already done?”

“Have I ever disappointed you before?”

She frowned. Knowing the inevitable, Trixie decided she still needed to keep her dignity in losing the test of wills. She held her head high and said, “The Great and Powerful Trixie has given the issue some thought, and determined her time is best spent unwasted. The Great and Powerful Trixie will thus grace you with the Great and Powerful Trixie’s presence for the time being.”

“Excellent.” Flutterbreeze said, clearing away the clouds above his head and shaking the water out of his mane. “Now I just have to find out what we are doing!”

“Alright, now that we have everyone together and more or less willing to cooperate...” Trixie let out a “Hmpf” at this. “I will now explain what is going on...” Hames paused a moment to build anticipation. He puffed his pipe once and turned to the expectant ponies to say,
“In short, we’re screwed.”

The detective gave the ponies time to facehoof before he continued. “In a very short amount of time, we need to accomplish both of two crucial goals, or else our enemy will succeed. The first is, of course, to stop Turnip Stew’s heinous plan.”

“Which is what, exactly?” Flutterbreeze asked.

“... The second objective we must accomplish at the same instance is to bring Turnip Stew himself to justice, one way or another. If we fail to do this, he will go into hiding and hatch another plan. If his plan succeeds, the consequences would be dire indeed.”

“What is his plan, Hames?” the pegasus demanded.

“Alright, alright. Some ponies are so impatient. As we speak, or as I speak, Turnip Stew’s cronies are preparing a fleet of airships to carry both a small army armed with “guns”, and also a sinister device. Their intended destination is, of course, Canterlot.”

“The device... because I know you were just about to ask, was designed to send out an extremely powerful magic field that would seal its target inside indefinitely. It has enough power for only two targets, but that is all it will need. I think you can guess who those targets are.”

“I’m guessing not Prince Blueblood, unfortunately.”

“Sadly no. If you wish to save the princesses and prevent a dentist from ruling Equestria with an iron hoof, you must take out the device. The best chance is a powerful blast of magic. I just hope you are strong enough for that... and that you don’t get shot before doing so.”

Even though Trixie hadn’t seen guns in action yet, she didn’t like the possibility of anything like “getting shot”. Even so, the thought of a lifetime of tortuous guilt in a world ruled by a dentist was a very poor alternative to risking her flank to become a hero. Maybe she could even make some ponies jealous.

Hames, having collected his thoughts once more, continued speaking. “So, while you two are messing about with the small fish, I will outsmart and apprehend the mastermind. As long as I stay focussed, I shouldn’t have any trouble... Who am I, after all, but Shetland Hames, the greatest detective and sharpest mind in Equestria!”

After a brief flourish, he checked the room’s tall clock, and said with some urgency, “Best be on our way, their scheduled to take off in half an hour!”

Hames started for the door, but was interrupted by Flutterbreeze. “Where?”
“Oh, yes. At that toothpaste factory we destroyed earlier, you know the one.” The detective turned to the door once again, but was halted by the pegasus’s shout. “Wait! Take Gummy with you!”
Hames looked down and noticed the alligator at his feet. “Why?”
“You will need him, trust me.”
“Fine, let’s just go then!” He placed the reptile on his back and leaped out the window, not
wanting to bother with doors. Luckily, they were only on the second floor at the time, and they landed in a hay bale. He tried hard not to think about why it was there to break his fall, and instead focussed on the task ahead. Running off towards the town’s clock tower, he thought of the stallion he knew waited for him there, and all the twists that occupied his wrinkly brain’s mind.

Flutterbreeze went to his room to retrieve his mailbag. He found it sitting on the bed... next to a new mailpony uniform of the same design that he always wore. A note laying on top read, “Thought you might want this.”
‘And here I thought Hames didn’t care about me.’ Flutterbreeze got dressed quickly and strapped the bag to his side. ‘Now we can’t possibly lose, I have pants!’

He dashed out into the hallway, bumping into walls as he rounded corners. He nearly ran into Trixie, but managed to leap over her at the last second, landing flat on his face. Still laying on the floor, he raised a hoof and hollered, “Let’s be off!”

They passed by the duke on their way out. Flutterbreeze shouted, “So long, Mountague, we’re off to save Equestria!” The baffled duke of Manechester could only stand, confused, both at the pegasus’s attire and at what he had said. He shook it off and wandered inside. ‘Another carpet ruined...’

Along the way to his destination, Hames managed to gather several items to use as disguise. He knew it wouldn’t fool his adversary, but he wished not to have anypony following him around until he got there.

Within a few blocks he had managed to gather the ensemble of a vagabond, and was mimicking the movement patterns of one as well. He also filled his pockets with various things he found sitting out, just in case he might have need of them. Gummy, atop his back, acquired a false moustache during this time.

There was still imminent danger for them. The street leading up to the clock tower was narrowing into an archway up ahead, and they both knew that a group of Turnip Stew’s cronies would be waiting there, and expecting a disguise.

The detective thought for a minute, then turned to look at his alligator companion. “I think I have a brilliantly stupid idea...”

Two blue ponies were rushing through the crowded streets in the opposite direction. Trixie was having a hard time keeping up, being frequently stopped by large groups of passers-by that the pegasus could simply fly over.

“Hurry up Trixie!” he shouted back. “Unless you want me to carry you there!” He knew this wasn’t going to happen. Slightly more motivated, Trixie lit up her horn, shoving ponies out of the way magically as she went along. She didn’t become any more popular doing this, but it certainly helped speed their progress.

They were relieved when they reached the edge of town and started moving through the forest, or at least Flutterbreeze was. Trixie, still stuck on the ground, had to force her way through all the vegetation, gaining scratches, sap, spiderwebs, and burrs along the way.

Inspired, the pegasus started speaking dramatically as he floated above her. “Now is the hour of our fates, to rise up and vanquish our foes, or fall into obscurity. Twas destiny that brought us here, in the moment of great need, to do great deeds. And so we shall! We will prove our worth today by meeting the challenge, and spitting in its face. So let us cry ‘havok’, and release the hounds of war!”

As he finished speaking, she couldn’t help but wonder, ‘What is the Great and Powerful Trixie doing here?’. She thought on it a moment before realizing the sad reality. ‘Oh yes, that’s right. All of Trixies belongings were lost in Ponyville and she has since been living in an apartment in Fillydelphia next door to an insane pegasus who gets Trixie into the worst sorts of trouble... and then gets her back out again.’

“Hurry up Trixie!” he shouted back as she took a face full of branches. “We need to get there before they take off!”

‘Ugh, this is the last time I do anything for that ungrateful- Oh thank Celestia we’re here!’

They reached the clearing in time to see a group of frustrated ponies floundering about a very poorly maintained dirigible. About them lay piles of rubble strewn with chemical spills.

“Thank goodness we aren’t too late.” Flutterbreeze said. “Catch your breath, I think I can handle this.” Trixie flopped down on the ground breathing heavily as the pegasus flew off in a blue streak shouting a war cry. The ponies trying to get the craft off the ground were caught off guard, and were quickly routed when Flutterbreeze started to battle. With no motivation to stay, all that were able to fled deeper into the forest.

Flutterbreeze stood tall and proud for a moment, but when he looked up into the sky, his face dropped into a frown. Several dirigibles were already flying off, perhaps half a mile away. Not a moment to spare, he located Trixie, and without warning or hesitation picked her up and flew off towards his adversaries.

A hooded black cloak covered Shetland Hames and Gummy, who sat on his head. The alligator’s face and the detective’s hooves and tail were all that were visible. They neared an archway filled with Turnip’s minions guarding the street. One of them, upon seeing such a strange form, stopped them and said, “Wait a minute...”

The pony stared at Gummy, who simply blinked a couple of times. ‘I knew this was a dumb idea.’ thought Hames. After what seemed like minutes, the large pony let them through, saying “Never mind.”

‘I can’t believe that worked.’ thought Hames. ‘Either this alligator has hypnotic powers, or these are the dumbest ponies I’ve ever seen.’

The ponies guarding the clock tower itself would of course not let anypony in, regardless of who they were. They were also quite large and intimidating compared with the average mild-mannered folk. When the black form walked up to them and looked at them with a reptilian face, the two thugs at the door raised an eyebrow each. They weren’t sure what to expect, but they were confident that they could handle whatever the odd form would attempt.

Hames, who still had some vision through the fabric, planned his moves for a few seconds, then proceeded to take out the guards shins, chins, and pride, dropping them them both to the ground before they could react. The detective didn’t even remove the cloak or alligator in the process.

The duo proceeded as they were, inside and up no small amount of stairs. From above, they could hear a voice singing, occasionally being interrupted by a bout of maniacal laughter.

“I wonder who that could be.” Hames remarked sarcastically.

When they reached the top of the stairs, the detective finally disrobed and set Gummy on the floor. He spent a couple of moments catching his breath and his thoughts before setting his sights on the door in front of him. The musical pony had grown silent. Hames studied the doorway, the entire room, and everything he could detect of the room behind. The pungent odor of toothpaste, mouthwash, and body odor (which he realized to be his own), the sounds of the floor creaking underhoof, the ticking of the clock’s internal mechanisms above him.

“The door is open, Hames!” a shout came from within, interrupting his observations.

‘That’s a little embarrassing.’ he thought as he carefully pushed open the door, content of minimal danger.

Angels

It was a bright and sunny morning in Equestria. A calm lay across the green landscape and a soft breeze blew through the picturesque countryside. A steady song of birds hung in the air, coming from no place in particular but from seemingly everywhere. It was the kind of morning that most ponies thought to be the start to a perfect day.

Flutterbreeze knew of such mornings, though. He learned of their deceitful nature, and how they were usually the start to something horrible. This was, at least, what he would tell himself sometimes.

It was no longer morning, though. The sun was now hidden above a thick layer of clouds, and a fog had rolled in from the sea. The air was thick and moist and heavy on the wings of the pegasus who was holding a screaming blue unicorn underneath him. Heavier still were the thoughts on his mind of what would come should they fail their mission to stop the airships floating through the clouds above them.

“Flutterbreeze, I will never forgive you for this!”

“I know.”

“I’m going to leave Equestria forever. I’ll run off into the woods and eat rocks and twigs for the rest of my miserable life, and it will be all your fault.”

“Of course...”

“And then I’ll cast a spell on myself so that I lose my memory and start thinking I’m a bear and go live with the ursas. And I come back except to stomp on everyone’s houses and drink all the milk.”

“Trixie!”

“WHAT?!?”

“I really need you to focus now. It won't be long until those airships see us and start shooting at us. If any pegasi or whatever else comes flying out after us I need you to shoot them down.”

Trixie grumbled and sighed as they continued gaining altitude. The sound of thunder above and around startled them both.

“This is going to be the death of me. I knew you’d be the one to kill me somehow.”

“Trixie, this isn’t helping.”

They passed through a layer of clouds, getting soaked in the process.

“At least the airships can’t fly very fast in this kind of weather. Oh, I think they see us now.”

A squadron of pegasi armed with spears left one of the airships and started flying towards them.

“Here they come, get ready to light them up!”

“What?”

“Shoot them!”

Trixie charged up the magic in her horn as Flutterbreeze slowed down to give her a steady shot. She lined up her sights on the closest enemy and released a bolt of magical energy. A second later, they saw the pegasus get struck back, dropping his weapon and falling down below the clouds.

“Nice shot!”

The rest of the pegasi, upon seeing their leader fall, stopped mid-air and started retreating back to their ship. Flutterbreeze couldn’t tell if this was just an act of cowardice, or if they had some devious scheme planned. He warily decided to pursue them, not having any time to waste.

The airship turned to face its side towards the fliers once all but two of its passengers were in (Trixie was able to shoot down another one). It hovered in place as the ponies inside pulled out guns and started loading. They took aim. Flutterbreeze knew the chances of them actually hitting were very low, but he still didn’t like the idea. Trixie didn’t know what to think of it, but figured something bad was about to happen.

Moments passed, and the duo got closer and closer to the dirigible, but none of the guns fired. The minions checked their weapons by looking down the barrels and hitting them repeatedly (clearly not a smart idea), but they were unable to solve the real problem: their guns and ammunition had been soaked, and were now useless.

“Here we go!” shouted the blue pegasus as he swooped in over the basket full of ponies, dropping Trixie inside before beginning to fight. Within five seconds he had it cleared out, while Trixie cowered in the corner. Flutterbreeze set his sights on the next target, grabbed the unicorn, and flew off again as Trixie gave out a yelp.

They made it halfway to the next airship before lightning struck them mid-flight.

The pegasus lurched back, stunned for a moment. His wings were singed, but he quickly gained control of flight again. His heart skipped a beat, though, when he realized that he had lost his grip on the Great and Powerful Trixie.

The world’s greatest detective, self-proclaimed, entered the presence of one of the five most evil dentists in the history of Equestria. He gathered in the room around him. A large open window stood behind the criminal, a fancy rug on the floor, bookshelves at the sides, a backpack of sorts in a corner...

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Shetland Hames began. “I seem to have interrupted your shower. Oh wait, that’s not water, that’s insanity dripping off of you.”

“So what do we have here?” Chuckled Turnip Stew, in reply. “The prodigal genius cometh at last to join in my moment of ultimate triumph. I see he’s brought a sense of humor with him, among other things.”

“The only thing I need to defeat you is my brain.”

“And bad breath?” The madman frowned. “You haven’t brushed or flossed all week, I see. Crumpets, tobacco, oh you are awful! Good thing you came to the right place.” He pulled a small box of dental floss out of a pocket and tossed it at the detective. “Here, use this while I explain to you why I will be victorious.”

“Enlighten me!” Hames began flossing. He maintained an unimpressed face while the evil mastermind monologued.

“So, you know of course about my plan, and of the device now flying across the Strait of Albion. I can only assume you’ve sent that blue pegasus after it. I can assure you he will not be successful. As stupid as my minions are, they cannot fail this time. That is the only reason necessary as to why I will win. Even if you apprehend me here, I will still overthrow Equestria.

That brings me to my next point. How do you plan to stop me? You’ve no doubt noticed my parachute. I can leave whenever I please. Even if you engage me in some form of physical combat and tie me to a post, you’re too late to foil my plans.

Oh, did I mention that floss you just used was laced with a paralyzing drug? You have about ten minutes before it takes full effect. You have enough time to run to the hospital, or you can try to arrest me here, in which case my stupid guards can take you down with no problem. You see, I’m a stallion who takes very few risks.” A sick grin spread across his face. “The ball is in your court now, Shetland Hames.”

“Good serve, but I’ve seen better. That device is never going to make it across the channel. You are a fool to think otherwise. Would I send somepony after it if I knew he wasn’t going to stop it?”

“He can’t possibly do it alone.”

“Answer me this question: Who am I?”

“You’re Shetland Hames.”

“Exactly! I didn’t send him alone. There’s at least one pegasus, possibly two, going after your device, and he’s brought a unicorn along with him. That’s more than enough to take out your pathetic machine.”

“I have an entire army in the sky. Two or three ponies means nothing.”

“I’ve seen your ponies against that pegasus. I’m pretty sure he can handle them. Notice the weather outside? How can they fire guns with wet powder? There goes your weapons. Even if they make it to Cantorlot, they will be repelled by the royal guards with how weak they currently are. So, that’s really the only reason why you lose, but I’ll continue before my mouth stops working.

“How can I defeat you? Well, let’s see my options. I have dental floss laced with a paralyzing drug that I can use against you. There’s a big window behind you that I can push you out of. There’s a club down the street if I wanted to challenge you to a rap battle. I think I can imagine what fate you’d choose for yourself when this is all over.”

“You’re a fool, Hames, and you’re finished. Soon you won’t be able to move at all, and I can assure you, my device will fire on time.”

Hames paused for a moment, thinking and taking in the senses around him. He chuckled a bit before speaking again. “You really think so? Perhaps you should check what you’ve forgotten.”

“I’ve forgotten noth- wait, the alligator!”

“Is that all? Usually you can get away with one mistake, though not against me. You, however have made two. Perhaps you’ve been up here too long to notice, or your hearing has gone bad, but maybe now you can perceive that something is missing.”

Seconds went by before the truth dawned upon Turnip Stew. His face went pale when he realized that the clock had stopped ticking. Hames noticed the change in countenance, and continued.

“I don’t know how or why, but my alligator companion has halted the clockwork mechanisms of this tower. Clearly it is something important to you, so now I must ask. What is it?”

“There wasn’t just one device... I built two! One is on a doomed airship, but the other is here in the tower. It is set to go off automatically when the clock strikes the hour.”

“But now it never will.”

“Perhaps, but this is still the end for you! You see, if the device is stopped, it is set to self-destruct a few minutes after, taking the entire tower down with it... how long ago did it stop ticking?!?”

“You’d certainly like to know that, wouldn’t you?”

“Trixie!” Flutterbreeze could say it was the worst moment of his life, a title that has some stiff competition. He looked down at the clouds, thinking about how he had killed the unicorn that was his neighbor, who he had coaxed into coming, and who wished she were anywhere else at that time. It was too late now.

He gazed down once again, and saw as strange form among the clouds. It rose up, the first visible thing being a tuft of black hair, then a purple face. Finally, the entire shape of Pompodour appeared, holding a stunned Trixie in his arms. His little wings were beating furiously to support both of their weights. Flutterbreeze began to breath once again, and his brain and guts stopped destroying themselves with guilt.

“Nice catch...”

“She is, isn’t she? I told ya I’d find yous, and find yous I did. Actually, I never lost track of yous.”

“That’s slightly creepy... but I don’t care right now. Trixie is safe, and soon, Equestria will be.”

“Need a helping hoof?”

“Alright, you want to help? If you can go distract a few airships up there while we take out the one with a doomsday device on it, that would be just peachy.”

“Umm... could you take her now? I’m havin’ a little trouble flyin’ here.”

Trixie broke her trance at that remark, taking it as some offense about her weight. “I’m not sure I trust Flutterbreeze anymore. I thought he’d killed me back there!”

“I thought so too... OH!” Flutterbreeze smacked his hoof against his forehead. “Here, strap on my mailbag. There’s a parachute in it, just in case.”

“YOU COULDN’T MENTION THIS BEFORE!?!”

“sorry...” He pulled a cord out of the bag when she got it on her back. “Just tug on this if you fall.”

“I’m going to murder you when this is over...”

“You’ll have to beat me to it, but first, we have a job to do.” He grabbed the mailbag, and flew off with Trixie, to the relief of Pompadour. “For Equestria! For Luna and Celestiaaaaaaaaa!”

“Yeah, let’s bust up some blimps!” the purple pegasus shouted as he flew off at a different angle.

‘Technically they aren’t blimps.’ Thought, Flutterbreeze. ‘They are dirigibles since they have a rigid frame and don’t require full inflation to maintain their shape... I should pay attention to what I’m doing. That one! That airship is the one, I think.’

“Well, Hames, I must hoof it to you. You’ve met my expectations so far. But I still don’t see how you plan to succeed now that you’re paralyzed. Hehehehehe.”

The evil, chuckling dentist walked over to Shetland Hames and eyed him over. “What trick could you possibly have up your sleeve? What hidden dagger does your cloak reveal? Oh look, you’re little alligator friend is here. I’m scared now. He’s going to rescue you, isn’t he? Muahahahahahaaaaaa!!!”

The sinister stallion stepped behind the detective, walking towards Agent Gummy. He moved his eyebrows in a sadistically menacing fashion. “I’m not sure what you did to my device, rascal, but once I’ve fixed it, I- AHHH!”

Hames gave a hard kick to the rear of Turnip Stew when he was in the perfect spot, sending the mad pony flying out of the room, into the railing of the stairs, which cracked. “How...”

“Ask yourself one question: Who am I?”

“You’re... but...”

Hames walked over to the stammering pony, the pride of victory clear upon his face.

“I knew of your paralyzing drug when I saw the inventory records of your old factory. One of its chief ingredients, cobra toxin, is not something you usually find in toothpaste, dental floss, or ANYTHING that should go in a foal’s mouth. I made sure to walk through a certain market in town today where I procured an old zebra remedy for such poisons, and applied it to myself before encountering you here. Any questions? No? Good, because it’s time to go. Prison for you, nap time for me.”

“You... you are impossible!”

“I know.”

“But I’m not going to prison!” Turnip Stew was pale and sweating all over, hanging on to his last thread of hope.

“Suicide isn’t the answer.”

“I’ll see you again someday, Hames! But today, mark my words, I will remember today and learn from it. So the next time we meet, you will fear me!”

“I already fear all dentists.”

The evil stallion made a lunge at Shetland’s feet, tripping the detective. He bolted for the door, and he was going to make it... but Gummy lashed out his tail to trip the dentist in his tracks. Hames pounced on him, pinning him to the ground, before restraining him with handcuffs, rope, super glue, and dental floss. “Oh my, we have ten seconds!”

he put on the parachute hastily as Gummy bit his tail, grabbed Turnip Stew, and leaped out the open window. He released the parachute just as the building began to explode, the force of which blew them away from the larger chunks of falling debris. They glided down into Manechester’s central square, right on top of the fountain. Ponies gazed up at them in confusion. “Ok, so this looks odd, I know, but you’ll find out about this in tomorrow’s paper, hopefully!”

Flutterbreeze examined the largest of the airships as he flew towards it. The device was inside a closed compartment underneath, rather than in an open basket like the other airships had. ‘This could be more difficult...’

He resisted facehoofing himself (since he was holding trixie up still), as he said, “Oh I am stupid! Trixie, these airships are filled with hydrogen!”

“I care why?”

“Hydrogen is a highly flammable gas, which will practically explode in contact with flame. All you have to do is land a fireball on it and it should all burn up like a bad Hearth’s Warming feast!”

The Great and Powerful Trixie channelled her magic, gathering up energy to launch a fireball at the target. She let it go, but the air was too thick and moist, so it dissipated before reaching the airship.

“Dang, that’s not going to work...”

“Thank you, mister obvious.”

“Wait a second... Trixie, try an electric attack!”

“In this weather?”

“Yeah, just do it!”

“Ugh, you are so going to be the death of Trixie...” She groaned, before mentally preparing herself for another shot. ‘Just one more try now, you can do this! You are the Great and Powerful Trixie!’ She focussed all of her might into it, shouting as she released the bolt of lightning at the airship. The ponies were sent back in recoil as electricity passed through and around the metal frame of the dirigible. ‘It didn’t work...’

A flash of light and a boom of sound struck fierce and terrible at the aircraft. Thunder and lightning like they had never seen before arced down from the heavens to smite it. The fabric of the balloon ripped and the gasses burst forth in crimson flaming glory as it began its slow descent. The bottom dropped out from the fiery mess and into the sea below. There was nothing left of the ship but ash and sparks by the time Trixie and Flutterbreeze stopped staring at it.

Pompadour came to join them after the other airships broke away, their purpose lost forever. “Now that... that was just plain awesome!” he said.

“The Great and Powerful Trixie has saved Equestria!” exclaimed Flutterbreeze.

“I did, didn’t I? Yes! The Great and Powerful Trixie is the most great and powerful of all the Trixies there have ever been! All will now be awed by her tales of heroic feats and glorious triumph over forces most dark and foul!”

“Hey, mind holding the conquering hero for a second?” The mailpony handed her over to Pompadour, who once again struggled with their combined weight. Flutterbreeze pulled a small device out of the mailbag and started poking its screen with his hoof.

“What are you doing?”

“Marking these coordinates. I’ll have to report all of this to the agency later. For now, though...” he put the device back in the bag and took Trixie back. “Let’s go find us somewhere to land!”

The trio arrived at the shores of Prance in very little time. The skies were clearing up now, since they had flown all the way through the storm. The sunset lit the sky with all the beautiful hues of red and orange and yellow. The pegasi rested their wings as they lay upon the sand. Trixie took off the mailbag and used it as a pillow before gazing at the sky.

“This is weird...” said Flutterbreeze.

“What is?” asked Pompadour “The sudden lack of action and stress as we lay back after a hard-fought victory and week of brain-busting excitement?”

“No, that it’s already sunset. It’s only noon... and it’s close to the longest day of the year.”

“Yeah, that is a bit odd, I suppose.”

“Celestia must be having a rough day today. Either way, I’m perfectly content with letting the night come early so I can sleep.”

The ponies on either side of him let out sounds to show their agreement.

“Hey, Pompadour, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah, easy name. Anyways, if you want to, I can recommend you into the agency. They’ll train you up and use whatever talents you have to your full potential.”

“You’d really do that?” Eagerness and surprise shone on the purple pegasus’s face.

“Mmhmm. But it’s a very heavy commitment that you can’t easily back out of, and between you and me, it hurts in every way possible to go through that training. Not to mention the crazy sort of lifestyle that follows. I mean, look at what happened today. That’s every other week fo me!”

“Whatever challenges present themselves, I will take ‘em down!”

“And if you can’t?”

“I will, because I won’t stop until I do!”

“Very well. I look forward to seeing where you end up. Perhaps we may fight alongside each other again someday.”

“I’m sure if we do, it would be totally rad.”

“Totally...”

“Hey, I don’t mean to spoil the moment,” said Trixie “But how the hay are we getting back to Fillydelphia?”

“Lets... take the train. No more flying... Ever...”

“Sounds like a plan. But I’m not ever going to forget that you dropped me back there!”

“I know.”

Twilight Sparkle yawned as she walked downstairs, following the scent of pancakes that Spike had made for breakfast.

“Hey Spike?” she called “You have today’s paper?”

“It’s on the table, there.” he answered from the kitchen.

The unicorn rubbed her eyes and spotted the newsprint sitting right next to her, feeling silly. She read the headline. “Shetland Hames Returns Triumphant!”

“Wow, he’s back to solving crimes? That’s awesome.” She yawned and continued reading out loud. “The legendary and famous detective, who many believed to be dead or retired has proven himself to be both alive and at the top of his game. The amazing wits of Shetland Hames unmasked the threats of an evil dentist bent on world domination. Odd... He didn’t have his old assistant on the case, but he did recruit the help of a small alligator, a pegasus of unknown identity, and... The Great and Powerful Trixie!?!”