Completely, utterly normal.
It was a perfectly normal day in Ponyville.
That meant, of course, that everything and it’s mother was liable to go wrong in about four hundred and twenty different ways at every possible moment. But for now, nothing had gone wrong.
Yet.
Twilight sat in her castle, on her throne, reading a book about things that nobody but a bookworm alicorn princess with approximately 40 hours of work, 24 hours in a day and 0 damns given at any point in time, would care about.
Of course, Twilight found the book interesting, captivating and a whole array of words that are too verbose to be included for compilation inside this magnificent document. For now, let us just say that Twilight was - metaphorically, though no one would be surprised if it was physical too - in love with the book she was holding in front of her with her magic.
Something tapped on Twilight’s shoulder; the mare, being engrossed in the book as she was, did not notice.
Something tapped against her shoulder again, resolved to continue doing so until it was noticed by the thing it was tapping. Said thing was finally drawn away from the entrancing book after a minute and thirty-three point five seconds of incessant tapping.
‘’Discord,’’ Twilight said flatly.
‘’That is me,’’ the draconequus agreed, before tapping on Twilight’s nose.
‘’What was that for?’’ Twilight asked drolly, looking up at Discord with one raised eyebrow.
‘’I tried - politely, mind you! - to get your attention,’’ Discord informed her. ‘’Now that I have ensnared it, allow me to present a most vital piece of information.’’
Discord then, in a display of magic that Trixie would rate six out of Trixie (Trixie being infinitely more Great And Powerful™ than anyone else, of course, meant the entire scale was a moot point, though a point that was, despite it’s mootness, always tipped in Trixie’s favour), he pulled a plain white envelope out of his second-to-last ignorance teeth (the draconequui equivalent of wisdom teeth, for however long Discord felt like the joke was funny).
Hey, it’s a good joke!
I’m writing here. Now be a good Chaos Spirit and follow the excuse for a plot I’m creating.
Twilight’s eyebrow did not move a singular millimeter. ‘’What’s in the envelope?’’
‘’Envelopen it and find out.’’
‘’That was terrible,’’ Spike booed from Rarity’s seat. ‘’Resign. Instantly.’’
Discord, without looking at him, snapping his claws, or otherwise giving any sign of cue he was doing it, buried Spike in emeralds, incidentally ruining one hardcore player’s week of progress trading for the damn things.
I don’t steal!
You’re literally Q-light.
Hey!
‘’Discord,’’ Twilight chided. ‘’Don’t feed the dragon.’’
‘’I don’t see a-’’
Twilight pointed at a sign hanging from Rarity’s throne. ‘’Only feed the dragon when given permission by Princess Twilight Sparkle,’’ it read.
‘’... huh.’’ Discord raised an eyebrow at the sign, and it promptly CTD-ed itself, reappearing on a certain door on a certain mountain that was only visible on a certain day of the year under certain circumstances. Certainly.
‘’The envelope?’’ Twilight requested politely.
Discord clawed it to her. Twilight opened it and glanced through it, then looked up and raised her other eyebrow.
‘’I’m getting fined for not having a driving license?’’
‘’Indeed.’’ Discord nodded solemnly. ‘’The fine is 69,42 Equestrian Bits, to be paid in cash tomorrow at the Equestrian License Office, Triumvirate City.’’
‘’Triumvirate City,’’ Twilight repeated. ‘’No such city exists in Equestria.’’
‘’Depends on what you count as Equestria,’’ Discord glibly retorted. ‘’I, personally, only duke Equestria, and thus I am not as hit by this as you are.’’
‘’You are insufferable,’’ Twilight remarked detachedly, as if she was just realizing this for the first time. A sound of agreement came from the pile of Spikemeralds and was promptly ignored by both beings.
‘’Given that you are present and not absent,’’ Discord pointed out, ‘’I am evidently sufferable.’’
‘’Urgh,’’ Twilight groaned, before throwing the paper away. ‘’I’m not paying this.’’
‘’You have to.’’ Discord caught the paper three seconds before Twilight threw it away and shaped it into a crown that somehow conveyed the entire contents of the letter even though only one side was visible, putting it on Twilight’s head and then giving her a singular pat with his paw.
‘’Why?’’ Twilight questioned with the tone of someone who was far too old for this shit, despite her being only twenty-two and not old by the standards of any being that bothered to have age standards or keep track of age in this Equus, past, present and future.
‘’Because it is the law!’’ Discord grandly stated, throwing his limbs and lungs out in a truly majestic display.
‘’That looks ridiculous.’’ Spike proceeded to burp, but anything he might have said after that was silenced as Discord once again buried him gems, this time stealing diamonds from another hardworking hardcore player.
‘’I’ll thank you for not commenting on my look,’’ Discord muttered in a manner that was eerily similar to a certain grey-clad angel in human form, somewhere far away. Completely coincidentally, a puff of smoke shaped like a swan ship escaped from the pile of diamonds.
You’re a menace.
As if you are one to talk, Mr O&O.
… that’s more fair than I’d like to admit. Fuck you too.
Later, perhaps.
‘’You are actually a menace,’’ Spike noted in his pile, with a tone that made it sound like he’d only just realized that.
Discord tipped his brain at him.
‘’Discord, you’re really losing the plot if you think I am going to pay for not having a driving license when I don’t even have anything to drive,’’ Twilight declared.
‘’But you are driving,’’ Discord retorted. ‘’Though I do agree I was losing the plot a little. Not anymore now, though it might still happen in the future. Anyhow, pay.’’
‘’No.’’
‘’Yes.’’
‘’No.’’
‘’Yes.’’
‘’No no no.’’
‘’Yes yes yes.’’
‘’No, no, no, NO!’’
‘’Jawohl, jawel, oui, da.’’
‘’What even was that?’’
Discord chuckled. ‘’Aww, don’t you know obscure griffon dialects?’’
‘’I know griffons don’t have dialects,’’ Twilight retorted.
‘’Here they don’t,’’ Discord easily agreed, ‘’but elsewhere they do. And it doesn’t change my point.’’
‘’Explain to me why I should pay,’’ Twilight requested flatly.
Spike un-dug himself from the second pile of gemstones he’d involuntarily found himself in today (the bath he’d had in the morning was completely voluntary; after all, he had stored all his good magazines at the bottom of the lava bath. Long live heat-proof paper!) and observed the scene before him.
‘’Not my problem,’’ he decided roughly one-third of a microsecond later, and continued to eat away at the pile.
‘’You should pay,’’ Discord explained, ‘’because you are fined, and it is the law - as well as custom - that you pay the fine, or serve your sentence.’’
Inexplicably, a wheel of cheese materialized itself on Discord’s goat horn. He was utterly unbothered by this.
‘’After all, you have violated the law, and committed crimes against Equestria and its peoples-’’ another wheel of cheese found itself attached to a sharp part of Discord; this time, however, it was his teeth.
Both wheels disappeared a moment later, and Discord spared another moment to glare in seemingly every direction at once, before clearing his throat. ‘’So, that.’’
‘’Well, I don’t have anything to drive,’’ Twilight stubbornly argued. ‘’So I don’t need a license.’’
‘’Of course you do!’’ Discord exclaimed. ‘’You constantly drive hundreds of things! You’re even driving now!’’
Twilight’s eyebrows seceded from her face and joined her hairline as autonomous territories. ‘’What, in the name of Celestia and her cake-filled flank, could I possibly be driving at this moment.’’
Discord stared at her for a long moment. ‘’You really don’t know?’’ he asked eventually.
‘’Do I look like I know much of anything about what is going at this moment!?’’ Twilight shouted into his face.
‘’You do, as a matter of fact,’’ Discord dryly noted. ‘’But as for what you’re driving…’’ He lowered his head.
‘’Well?’’ Twilight asked after a few seconds.
Discord lifted his head up and said, with the most serious face any Discord had ever managed in all Existence, ‘’Why, the plot of the show, of course.’’
Twilight lunged at him.
Author's Note
I wrote this entire thing in a little less than an hour. It's the first time I publish pure comedy.
Read this for info on my fics and plans for this year: https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/966869/schedule-and-plans-for-the-rest-of-the-year
The best fics I have to offer you:
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/499274/the-wrong-mare
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/499540/piece-by-piece
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/495171/the-crystal-story-flurrys-tale
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/500443/on-the-shores-of-the-west
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/502103/twilight-sparkle-princess-regent-of-the-crystal-empire
Also, read the fics covered here: https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/966475/commentary-on-my-favourite-fics
And finally, leave comments if you enjoyed this, and I hope you have a brilliant day/night!
