It's All Wrong.

by Hotel_Chicken

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Starswirl the Bearded
Length: 1490

Twilight invites Starswirl to a convention all about him. It's... all wrong. Everything. And since when was he white?

Twilight decided to invite Starswirl the Bearded to a convention. And he can't shut up about how everything's wrong or weird.

Published 2021-10-13 23:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2021-10-13 23:10:01 UTC

Literally Everything is Wrong.

The streets of Ponyville were filled with ponies of all shapes and sizes, many of them bearing similar capes and hats as they trotted from stall to stall.

Hundreds, maybe even thousands of bells were ringing in the air as they trotted by. The only thing louder than the constant ringing was the general conversations that filled the air.

Starswirl could hear two mares arguing over one of his old spells next to a stallion who was haggling for an old set of rusty bells. A foal was crying somewhere in the distance being shushed by their mother, and a mare was reading some of his abandoned poetry like a prophet on a stage. He could have sworn he burned all of those after his breakup.

“So, what do you think so far?” Twilight asked eagerly as she matched Starswirl’s pace.

She was wearing her own imitation of his iconic hat and cape. He couldn’t help but glare at her costume before stealing a glance at the other dressed up ponies.

“Princess Twilight, I will begrudgingly admit that I found your lessons in friendship fascinating, and that I learned many things from you. You earned what very few others had, Princess. You gained my respect.”

“W-wow. That’s really nice of you, actually. Where did—”

“And now I’ve lost all respect for you and this new-fangled age,” he finished bitterly as he tried to ignore the sound of cans dragging against the dirt.

How that stallion thought tying cans to his cloak was a good substitute was beyond Starswirl. Maybe he purposefully made it terrible? Was he making fun of him? Starswirl the Poor, the stallion who couldn’t afford a razor?

“Okay, that was rude,” Twilight frowned, stirring Starswirl out of his thoughts as she huffed. “I really thought you’d be happy coming here today.”

“Princess, I’m sorry. But this is probably the worst day I’ve ever had since coming back to Equestria.”

“That sounds like an exaggeration.”

“I wish,” he scoffed.

“What’s so bad about this? It’s a convention all about you.”

“Because it’s all wrong! What am I Twilight, a joke?!” He snapped, pointing a hoof at one of the hanging banners that decorated the town. “Look at that! Who the buck is that?”

She followed his hoof to the cartoonish depiction of Starswirl.

“That’s… you?” She replied warily.

“Really? Then why am I white? I’m clearly grey! And look at that beard! It’s longer than Celestia’s mane!”

“Well, there’s room for artistic interpretation.”

“Artistic? How is dying my fur bleach white artistic? It’s inaccurate too since there weren’t even any white coated unicorns in my town! And look at all of those.”

Following his hoof again, Twilight looked at the free book cart filled with stories about Starswirl.

“The books.”

“No, those libelous pieces of ‘literature’. They aren't worth the pages they're written on! They're a stain on everything I’ve done and they tell nothing but outright lies.”

Flaring up his magic, Starswirl levitated one of the thicker tomes over to them and read the back cover aloud. “‘Magical Education: A steamy tale of two sorcerers using spells to forge new bonds. Can Starswirl’s student handle his teacher’s loving lectures, or will this naughty colt need some spanking?’ Do you see this, Twilight? It claims that I slept with Clover the Clever! Clover of all ponies. My own student!”

“Starswirl, you do know that’s fan fiction, right? The point is that it’s fiction,” Twilight tried to explain.

“How would you feel if somepony wrote about you becoming intimate with your familiar, Spike?” Starswirl asked in turn, earning a shiver from Twilight as she sent an understanding look at the book stand.

“Okay, I kind of get that. But it’s endearing… Kind of.”

“It’s disgusting. I can’t believe somepony would… Princess, why is your name on this b—”

The fan fiction erupted into a ball of flames as Twilight teleported the rest of the stand away.

“… …It was one time and I was a teenager,” she weakly defended.

“You published…” Trailing off, Starswirl groaned as he began trotting away with Twilight in tow. “Ignoring that, forever, you understand how… weird this all is, right? I don’t look like that, I don’t sleep with my students, I never… Had a candle,” he stopped, staring dumbly at an auction booth where ponies were eagerly throwing bits to buy old antiques. “Why are they buying my old candle holder?”

“Ah, that's the charity auction,” she chirped, happy for the change in subject. “They’re selling a few of your tools and donating the profit to the Equestria rebuilding committee.”

“Well, that’s nice. But why are they selling an old candle holder?”

“Because that’s the candle you used to explore the caverns of Maretania! It’s an ancient relic used to chase off the living shadows that were guarding the Rainbow of Darkness, and the only way to get past them was by carrying the dying embers of a Phoenix on a dragon wax candle that—”

“What are you talking about?” Starswirl interrupted, staring at her with a curious expression.

“The… The time you went to get the Rainbow of Darkness in Maretania. When you used the candle that they’re auctioning.”

“Why would I use a candle? I have an illumination spell.”

“But… but the caverns of Maretania didn’t allow anypony to use magic!”

“Since when? I don’t remember having any problems with my magic. And there weren’t any caverns, just a shallow hole at the bottom of a mountain.”

“But the story—”

“Was another one of your ‘fan fictions’ I presume,” he scoffed, trotting away as they passed more booths selling Starswirl apparel and memorabilia. “That candle was a gift from Flash for my birthday. I only used it when they were visiting my tower. I didn’t even remember that candle holder until just now.”

“So… You didn’t fight a serpent made of bones?”

“I… Nooo?”

“But you fought the undead minotaur roaming the maze, right?”

“That sounds offensive, and also no.”

“Had a magic battle with Hydia the witch and her daughters?”

“Hydia was an Ex-marefriend. We broke up and that was the end of it.”

“But… Then none of that happened?”

“Seems so,” he sighed. “So, this is what I’ve been relegated to? A caricature and fan fictions?”

“It’s… I’m sure it’s not that bad,” Twilight offered.

“Hey, nice Starswirl costume,” a stallion in a fedora complimented, tipping his hat to Starswirl as he trotted by.

A heavy silence fell over the pair before Starswirl asked a very simple question. “Does nopony here even recognize me? I… There was a newspaper article about us coming back! My picture was in it!”

“I’m sure that was just a mistake.”

“This whole day was a mistake,” he grumbled irritably.

“Okay, so it wasn’t exactly what either of us was expecting. But I’m sure there’s something fun we can do!”

“Like what?”

Smiling, Twilight pulled out a flyer from under her cloak. “Welllll, I have it on good authority that there’s a Starswirl quiz competition in a few hours. What if we, oh I dunno, enter the competition?”

“So, I have to just, what, talk about myself and win?”

“Pretty much! We’d be a shoe-in for the grand prize! Unlimited Hayburgers here I come!” She cheered, earning a flat look from Starswirl.

“You didn’t invite me to this stupid convention just for that, did you?”

“What? No! Don’t be silly. I would never take advantage of having you as a friend to get a lifetime supply of Hayburger coupons. Nowcomeon, wehavetosignupquick!” Twilight cried, shoving Starswirl towards the reservation area to enter the contest.

A dull buzzer rung in the air as a stallion in a Starswirl costume looked over his cards.

“Oooooh, sorry. The correct answer was forty-seven. I’m sorry team Magic Missile, but you’ve been eliminated,” the judge apologized as Twilight physically restrained Starswirl from strangling the stallion.

“Who the buck would put forty-seven bells into their hat, you moron! It’s forty-eight! Forty-eight! I count them every bucking morning to make sure I’m not missing one!”

“Starswirl, calm down!”

“It’s forty-eight! I’m right so give me my prize!” He shouted as the princess carried him off in a huff.

“You don’t even like Hayburgers,” she muttered.

“Buck your Hayburgers, it’s the principal of the matter! I’m right and they’re all morons! I demand a new judge!”

“We’re leaving Starswirl.”

“But I should have won! It’s literally my life! Nopony knows it better than me!”

“Isn’t that the whole problem with this convention?”

“Yes! You know what! Buck your convention! I’ll make my own bucking convention! With Black magic! And hoof crafters!” He threatened to the wind. “You historian hacks won’t know what hit you!”

Groaning, Twilight carried him back to her castle as she prepared to listen to him vent for the next hour or so.

She’d make sure to invite somepony else to the next convention.