Alone
By iAmSiNnEr
I suppose, when one is a bookworm, they don’t make many friends.
But when they do make one, it hurts all the more when they lose that friend.
I’m talking about myself.
Sure, it’s been more than a year. They told me time healed all wounds. I found that to be wrong. Time just deepened the hurt. Sometimes, I wish I could just...forget everything. It would be such a blissful existence. There would be no need to cry, no need to stare at books aimlessly.
It all began with her.
Twilight Sparkle. When she first came, literally under the wing of Princess Celestia herself, I admit I was a little intimidated. Then when she began attending the same classes as me more often, I realized she wasn’t the same as those stuffy foals of the nobles.
Before she came into my life, though, I had no friends. Being awkward will do that to a pony. I resented those ponies who could waltz into a room and immediately make a few friends. Why can’t I do the same? Am I not intelligent enough? I got into Princess Celestia’s school for Gifted Unicorns, and that had to mean something.
And then, she came. I originally hated her. Who wouldn't? Little miss perfect, always answering every question right, and making the rest of us feel insignificant. But even though it took me a while, I realized that she was as lost as me. A filly, confused about her role as the personal student of the princess.
She wasn't stuck up or anything. On the contrary, I remember when I had been struggling in history class. She noticed, and spent hours revising with me to allow me to pass the class.
Coincidentally, she was the one to bring me out of my shell, even as hers closed tighter. Soon enough, we had three other friends. Minuette, Lemon Heart, and Twinkleshine. They joined us after that one school project. There was something about Twilight that just...attracted ponies to her like a magnet.
She barely made any friends outside of our group, though. In that aspect, she was similar to me. She pushed away ponies. If she had a fun-loving heart, I didn’t see it at all. She was only friends with us four because we did a project with her. I suppose she was a little impressed when I could keep up with her, albeit barely.
Then the fateful day came. I finally dug up the courage to host a party, encouraged by Minuette. Truth be told, I held the party for Twilight. To thank her. To tell her I appreciated her being friends with me. To show the world I wasn’t as shut off as they thought I was.
She never turned up. Later, I learnt that she had been busy saving the world at Ponyville. A thousand-year-old villain, back from the moon. That wasn’t a valid excuse to miss my party, though.
She only arrived at Ponyville the afternoon my party was supposed to take place, and she saved the world the next morning. Couldn’t she have put that off? Just a few hours?
From that moment on, I hated her. She left me behind for her new friends. Not even a letter did she send to me. I understood what she was doing.
Poor old Moondancer, the shut-in bookworm. So boring, so drab, compared to her new friends. Rainbow Dash, the prospective Wonderbolt. Applejack, the apple farmer. Rarity, the designer. Fluttershy, the animal caretaker. Pinkie Pie, the party pony.
Yes, I know what they do. Who doesn’t? Newspapers all across Equestria were filled with their images that very night. The Heroes of Equestria, Canterlot Daily had dubbed them. The Harmonic Six, Trott called them.
What made them so special? What made them so special that Twilight forgot about me for them? Was I not special?
She was back in Canterlot. This time, she saved Equestria once again. From the Lord of Chaos, of all things. I had hoped this time. Hoped that she would come and visit her old friends. I may have even found it in me to forgive her for missing my party.
I attended the ceremony. She looked so happy with her new friends.
What do I lack? What is it that I lack, that her new friends have? Was I not a good friend?
Had I not been friends with her since we were fillies? Those five...they had only known her for a year at the most. I was with her for several years.
I waited. And finally, just before it got dark, I gave up. She wasn’t coming. She had forgotten me.
I saw her. She was in Canterlot for the wedding of Princess Cadenza.
I didn’t care about that. I only wanted to see if she would remember me.
She didn’t. She didn’t even bother to visit me. That night, I cried.
It has been an emotionally wrecking day. First, the news about Twilight becoming a princess. I wanted to feel happy for her, I truly did. Somewhere inside of me, I knew she deserved the honor, after saving Equestria more than once.
But my heart refused to accept it. In part, I suppose it was because I knew that when she became a princess, she would have more duties. More reasons to never remember me. To not visit me again.
I deliberated about attending the ceremony. In the end, I didn’t go. I knew that if I went, I’d just experience more hurt. I still saw her, though. She walked past my house, laughing with her new friends.
It felt like she was laughing at me.
I spent my days at the library. Books wouldn’t let me down. Books couldn’t let me down. They didn’t skip my parties.
I might be going insane. I haven’t cleaned my house in ages. Minuette caught me talking to a book. I’ve become such a regular at the library that it isn’t unusual for me to spend half the day there.
Thinking back, I only pushed myself further away from my friends. It was as if I was throwing myself into studying just to bury the hurt. To bury my feelings.
From an academic viewpoint, feelings were useless. They only hurt you, and impeded your path to progress.
And yet I still couldn’t forget her face. Her laugh. Her voice. Some part of me yearned for that.
I hear a knock at the door. It’s Minuette. I didn’t move. What was the point of talking to her? She stops knocking, and says that Twilight is looking for me.
I didn’t believe her. I wouldn’t believe her. Why now? Why not sooner?
I made up my mind. She was the one who threw me aside. She was the one who left me. She didn’t deserve my friendship. She didn’t deserve my forgiveness.
That night, I saw her talking to our three friends at a restaurant while out on a walk. Her eyes briefly met mine through the window, and I fled. I was sure she saw me, but no one came after me.
Why didn’t she come to look for me herself? Why had she gotten Minuette to find me earlier?
That night, I cried myself to sleep.
Author's Note
Special thanks to Jay who drew the cover art which inspired me to write this!
