Express Delivery

by Your Antagonist

Rating: mature
Tags: Romance, Shining Armor, Derpy Hooves, Sex, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 5140

When a certain mailmare goes missing in Canterlot Castle it's up to Shining Armor to find her.

When a certain mail-carrier goes missing in Canterlot Castle, the Royal Guard is sent into absolute hysteria as they search high and low for the potentially perilous package-wielding postal-worker. When Shining Armor arrives on scene, he's thrust into the thick of the action only to find that Princess Luna has requested his immediate presence at this most terrible of times, but why?

Published 2012-09-10 22:34:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-09-10 22:34:01 UTC

Special Delivery For You

Warning/ Disclaimer: The following story contains graphic depictions of sexual acts between cartoon horses. If this offends you, why the actual fuck did you click on a story with a sex tag? In fact, why is your mature filter on at all? Come on, let's think here.

Special Delivery For You

By: Your Antagonist

Derpy Hooves was absolutely flummoxed. The head of the Ponyville Post-Office had charged the wayward pegasus with making an express delivery to Canterlot Castle. As if it wasn’t bad enough that the delivery was already far out of her usual jurisdiction and had taken her the better part of the day to reach her destination, the Royal Guard wouldn’t let her near the front gate or for that matter even give her the time of day to explain her reason for being there. Thus, the wall-eyed mail-mare found herself in quite a pickle.

She couldn’t return to the post office without delivering the package or she’d run the risk of being fired from her job, but she couldn’t chance dashing past the guards lest she run the risk of being fired from a cannon. Derpy didn’t know if that mare’s tale about Equestria’s beloved Princess Celestia held water or not, but she certainly wasn’t willing to find out. “There just has to be another way into that castle,” she said to nopony in particular.

Derpy looked towards the front gate to see if the pegasus guards showed any intentions of moving from their post. They did not. She looked to the sky to see if there were any aerial patrols hovering above. There were. Lastly, she looked to the moat. Surely there couldn’t have been anything in the moat. To her chagrin, there were several armored web-footed equines splashing about the water’s edge while singing an upbeat if annoying tune. “♫Shoo-bee-doo! Shoo-shoo-be-doo! Call upon the sea-ponies when—♫”

Derpy sighed and scratched her head aggressively, drowning out the singing in order to focus on the task at hand. The castle security was airtight and the guards showed no signs of weakness. No obvious signs of weakness anyway. If there was one thing Derpy knew from personal experience it was that a working pony was a hungry pony, and even though these two guards had been standing stoically in the same place for hours upon hours, they were no exception. Reaching into her mailbag, Derpy produced two stale muffins and three lint covered cough drops. Without a moment’s hesitation, she tossed her payload in front of the guards and watched as nature took its course.

The guards watched Derpy stare at them like a mad-mare before turning their attention to the snacks she threw. “Dude, is that a cough drop?” asked the guard on the right. The guards looked at each other quizzically, before looking up and around to ensure there were no passing patrols. “Do you think they’re safe?”

“Dunno, but the muffins are mine,” the left guard said abandoning his post in favor of the mysterious snackfoods.

“Whatever dude, keep your moldy old muffins. I’ve got dibs on those cough drops,” said the right guard.

Derpy watched the guards as they began ravaging her spoiled spoils, and decided to act on the opportunity she had forged for herself, galloping as hard as she could through the now-unguarded front gates of the castle. She had a package to deliver, and as per her mail-mare’s creed, neither rain, nor sleet, nor the looming threat of a lifetime in a castle dungeon would stop her from delivering her payload.

Surprisingly, the inside of the castle, in contrast to the outside, had very lax security. In fact, it had no security at all. Just rows of white pillars and walls of stained-glass windows refracting various chromacies along the ground. Derpy, ever the vigilant mail-mare continued along the linear walkway while her off-center eye took in the beauty of the seemingly dancing lights. “Pretty lights...” she mumbled, unaware that she was paying more attention her off-center eye as opposed to her good eye. It wasn’t long until Derpy wound up bumping hard into something directly in front of her that she decided to avert her attention from the pretty lights.

Shaking her head to clear up the stars in her eyes, Derpy looked up to see what she had bumped into. Standing in front of her was a tall dark figure, glowering at the cross-eyed mailmare from beneath the hood of a black cloak. “Oh, I’m sorry, I wasn’t looking where I was going,” she apologized.

The figure said nothing, but continued to look down at Derpy.

Derpy, offset by the figure’s silence, began to smirk and fiddle her hooves uneasily. She wasn’t too fond of the uncomfortable silence that had fallen between the two so suddenly. “So,” she coughed, “do you live in the castle?”

The figure once again said nothing.

Derpy took the silence as yes, and pulled a small brown box out of her mailbag. “Okay... do you think you can help me find the recipient of this package?”

Just as Derpy expected, the figure only provided more silence.

“Well, I guess I’ll be going then.” Derpy sidestepped uncertainly around the cloaked pony. “Thanks for all your help?”

Unbeknownst to Derpy, as she turned her back to the unresponsive pony, a spry toothy grin slowly spread underneath the other pony’s hood.

“Now, who am I supposed to deliver this package t—”

CRACK!

Derpy’s words trailed off as a sharp blow to the back of her head forced her vision to fade to black in an instant. The last thing her conscious mind could register was a sadistic feminine chuckle that lead her mind into a fading state of panic as nothingness overtook her.

Shining Armor wasn’t having the best of days. It wasn’t a good day, but it wasn’t exactly decent either. It was somewhere along the lines of catastrophic but just a hair away from being rope-and-stool worthy. His morning had started out reasonably enough: he’d woken up in the loving embrace of the most beautiful mare in Canterlot —who also coincidentally possessed the worst morning breath in Equestria—, ate a simple breakfast fit for the most dismal of prisoners, prepared by none other than his kitchen-impaired beloved, and finally arrived at the castle where his day would only go downhill.

The moment he arrived at the castle, there was nothing but sheer pandemonium among the guard staff. Pegasi guards were flying out of control, while earth pony and unicorn guards ran about like a gaggle of undisciplined headless cockatrices. When he asked for an explanation regarding the bedlam, he was presented with the two guards he’d assigned to guard the front gate and their alibi. After listening to his subordinate’s recap of the earlier events, Shining Armor found himself slowly losing his faith in ponykind.

“So, let me get this straight,” he paused to massage his forehead, “You two abandoned your post for a couple of stale donuts and cough drops, and now there’s a mare with a potentially dangerous package posing a threat to our highest governing authorities and to top it all off she’s gone missing inside the castle? Does that about sum it up?”

Both guards bowed their head before their severely disappointed commander, when one of the two opted to speak. “Shining Armor, sir!”

“What is it?”

The guard straightened up and shouted at the top of his lungs. “They weren’t donuts, they were muffins, sir!”

The ludicrously timed correction took Shining Armor aback. “Wha—why is that even important!?”

“They were delicious, sir!”

Shining Armor’s mouth hung open in disbelief and preparation to chastise the guard, when a voice from behind caught his attention. “Shining Armor! Shining Armor!” hollered a fast-approaching castle maid.

“What is it? I’m in the middle of something here,” Shining Armor replied turning to meet the maid.

“A thousand pardons, Captain,” the maid bowed respectfully at shining Armor who acknowledged her with a nod, “but, Princess Luna has requested an immediate audience with you.”

“Right now? In the middle of this crisis? Can’t it wait until I’ve at least got the guardsmen under control?”

“I’m afraid not sir, she said it was urgent.”

“Ugh,” Shining Armor sighed, remembering the last time Princess Luna had requested his urgent presence, and the many innocent microwaves that never saw past that fateful day. Shining Armor ground his teeth together in raw frustration at his situation. He couldn’t just allow the disorder among the guards to run rampant, but this order had come from Princess Luna herself, and as a servant to the royal family he had no choice but to oblige. “Fine, I’m leaving now.” The taming of his guardsmen would have to wait.

Shining Armor turned to gallop into the castle as fast as he could, weaving through corridors, zipping up stairwells until he finally stopped in front of an ebony door emblazoned with a golden moon. Raising his hoof, he brought it down on the wood three times in succession. A moment later, the door swung open revealing the solemn face of Princess Luna. Instinctively, Shining Armor bowed his head and knelt respectfully. “Your Majesty.”

“Well met, Shining Armor,” she said gesturing for him to rise. “But thou art late, a behavior most unbefitting of a captain of the Royal Guard.”

Shining Armor would have argued the Princess’ claim, but as one of the reigning diarchs, her word was absolute. “Yes Princess, my apologies, but you must understand there’s—”

“Thou dost realize such an infraction cannot go uncastigated, yes?”

“Of course, Princess Luna, but—”

“Excellent, we would expect nothing less of our top guardsman. Follow us into our chambers, where we may discuss the matters at hoof.” Luna gestured for Shining Armor to enter the room. Reluctantly, the guardsmen trotted inside the dimly-lit chambers.

“No, Princess, I haven’t even the slightest idea,” Shining Armor said with trace amounts of sarcasm lacing his voice. Deep down, he knew why she called him up

“We wish to have fun, and thou shalt provide it for us.”

Shining Armor resisted the urge to sink to his haunches and bury his face in his hooves. “Princess Luna, I really don’t think now is the best time for this, perhaps maybe after I’ve managed to take care of the chaos outside, but definitely not now.”

“And why dost thou wish to go against your mistress’ wishes, Shining Armor?”

“Well, for starters the last time you and I had fun, Princess Celestia wound up prohibiting the use of microwave popcorn and packaging-tape on the castle grounds which has made things much, much harder for the service staff.”

“We are fully aware of this, Shining Armor. What other reasons have you?”

“Well, there’s an intruder somewhere in the castle, and I believe that she’s carrying potentially dangerous materials with the intention of—”

“Ahh yes, the intruder.” Luna smirked.

Shining Armor rose an eyebrow at his mistress’ words. “You already knew about the intruder?”

“Yes, and there is no need to fret about the intruder, Captain. We have already taken the liberty of subduing her using our superior stealth skills.” Luna proudly strutted over to her bed, and reached beneath the stack of stuffed animals. A moment later, she produced a gray pegasus bound in ropes, whom she presented to Shining Armor.

The pegasus looked up, revealing a lazy eye and a sheepish grin. “Heh, heh, hello,” she chuckled nervously. “I think this is all a big misunderstanding. My name is Derpy Hooves and I’m a mailmare from Ponyville. I didn’t mean to break into the castle but I’ve got a—”

“Silence whelp,” Luna commanded, reverting to her Royal Canterlot voice. “Did we grant thee permission to speak?

“No,” Derpy said meekly.

“Then thou wilt be silent or suffer the sting of our flog upon thy hindquarters!”

Derpy was silent after that

Shining Armor however, was confused. “Princess Luna, if I might ask, why did you not inform anypony that you had captured the intruder? It would have saved my guards a lot of trouble.”

“So that we could have our fun of course, and besides that, we’ve informed you. Art thou not among those who hold the second highest authority?”

This whole debacle was starting to grate on the guardsman’s nerves. “Yes? I suppose? I don’t even know right now...”

“Do not dwell on it fair Captain.” Luna tossed Derpy back on the bed where she landed with a “Squee”. The midnight mare mare crawled after Derpy before turning her attention back to Shining Armor. “Come, and join us on our bed so that we may begin the fun!” she said, patting an empty space next to herself on the bed.

Princess Luna was an eccentric character to Shining Armor to say the least, and that was with her adjustment to modern-day Equestria. He couldn’t begin to imagine what she was like before she was banished to the moon. Thinking nothing more of it he slid himself onto Princess Luna’s bed awaiting further instructions. Instead of instructions, he was met with an unnerving toothy smile from his mistress.

“Uh.... Princess?”

“Yes?”

“What exactly am I supposed do here?”

“Did we not tell you? Thou shalt provide fun for us, utilizing that mare.” Princess Luna pointed to Derpy who was just as confused as Shining Armor.

For her elaboration, Luna was met with more puzzled looks. “Hmmm... how does the youth of this era say it... aha! Shining Armor, as the noble Captain of the Royal Guard, thou shalt pleasure thyself utilizing this commoner’s body for our entertainment by rutting her senseless. Is that enough explanation for you?”

At those words, every brain cell Shining Armor’s possessed died and resurrected in an inferno of logical failure. “What— huh, I, Princess, you can’t be— but that’s heh, but I’m married, remember?”

“It is of little consequence. Now entertain your Princess, or suffer the consequences of our flog! Be warned though, the Royal flog has as of yet to taste the hindquarters of pony flesh in over a millennium, and it is very hungry.” Luna reached under a nearby pillow and pulled out what looked to be a feather duster but in place of feathers there were several thick leather strips.

Shining Armor swallowed nervously at the sight of the flog, then looked at Derpy, weighing his options. On the one hoof he was being ordered to perform an act of adultery with a mare he knew absolutely nothing about except that she was crosseyed and probably wasn’t supposed to be here in the first place. On the other hoof, he could disobey Princess Luna and receive a very painful physical —and possibly professional— reprimand where he still ran the risk of being forced into adultery with a strange mare he knew nothing about. Deciding that option A was by leaps and bounds much more desirable than option B, shining Armor chose the lesser of two evils. “Orders are orders,” he grumbled.

“Resplendent!” Luna laid down on her side and clapped her hooves together. “Regale us with your shameless acts of debauchery, servants!”

Shining Armor moved hesitantly over to Derpy and gave the mare he would betray his wife with a once over. She wasn’t especially bad looking. In fact she was quite attractive, save for that horribly off-center eye, but he’d just have to look past it. As a bonus however, she was a blonde, although he’d never mentioned his preference for blondes to Cadence, lest she force him to become hopelessly enamored with a cactus in an act of revenge.

“Thou art trying our patience. Stop hesitating, and taste your wench, Shining Armor,” Luna demanded of the hesitant guard.

“Shining Armor is it?” asked Derpy.

“Y-yes?” He hadn’t been expecting her to talk throughout this process.

“It’s alright, sir. I understand you’ve got your orders, so I don’t really mind.” Derpy’s face flushed crimson as she contemplated the next words that would come out of her mouth “Besides that, it’ll actually be kind of nice for a change.”

Shining Armor rose an eyebrow at this but waited for Derpy to continue speaking.

“It’s been so long since I’ve been with a stallion anyway. They always act nice, pretending like they’re interested and ask me out, but I always get stood up and made fun of the next day because... well you can guess.” Derpy sniffled, and blinked away a tear before she continued speaking. “So it’ll be kinda nice, even if you aren’t completely into it.”

Shining Armor sighed as he soaked in the mare’s story, and made a resolution in that moment. If he was going have sex with this mare regardless of whether he was willing to or not, he was going to do it right, and he was going to make her feel beautiful.

“♫We are waiting, Shining Armor, and thou art wearing out Mr. Flog’s patience♫” Luna called from her end of the bed, telekinetically waving the tool about.

Without any further hesitation, Shining Armor seized and pushed apart Derpy’s hind legs, revealing her already-moist marehood. A sweet yet lewd smell rose up to meet Shining Armor’s nostrils. Tongue extended, he leaned in and gave Derpy’s exposed slit a long, steady lick, all the while indulging in the sweet flavor of her flowing nectars. He could feel Derpy squirm and fidget in his grasp as he began tracing the circumference of her folds with his tongue, pausing only to lightly flick inside of her which caused the mare to jolt and whimper as shivers raced up her spine only to dissolve in a fit of contented shudders.

Shining Armor prodded even deeper inside of her, feeling the damp pressure of her warm, moist walls clenching around his tongue, immersing his sense of taste in more of her sweet flavor. Derpy’s tongue lolled out of her mouth as she absorbed every sensation his abrasiveness left within her. Unable to move her forelegs, she wrapped her hind legs around his head, drawing him even deeper. As he dove deeper, she could feel a slight itch building and growing hotter with each movement he made. The feral heat welling up inside of her had grown so intense that she couldn’t control the volume of her voice, her once passionate moans degrading into a fierce whinny as her mind began to blank. With one final huff, Derpy gave into the demands of her body, allowing herself to be whisked away by the elation cascading through her body.

Shining Armor pulled away from the orgasming mare, allowing her to ride out the ebb and flow of her body’s repsite. He turned to face princess Luna who was chewing her flog’s handle out of excitement. “Was that fun enough for you Princess?” he spat rhetorically.

“Very much so,” Luna responded shamelessly. “In fact, we were so impressed that we wish to see the roles reversed.”

“But Princess Luna, wasn’t that—”

Princess Luna rose the hydra-headed whip and brought it down on a nearby stuffed dolphin, successfully ripping the poor creature in half.

“— kind of implied?” he quickly corrected himself.

“Mmmm...” Luna purred, rubbing the flog along her flank.

Shining Armor reached forward to seize Derpy’s ropes. In one swift motion, he pulled the mare to a sitting position and sank to his haunches himself. Before he went any further, he looked Derpy in the eye to ensure that she still alright with this.

As if she could read his thoughts, the mailmare simply nodded, conveying that she was ready for the next phase. Shining Armor placed his hooves on her cheeks, pulling her head down slowly. However, during his half of the oral sex, he’d become incredibly aroused, so he didn’t have to pull Derpy down particularly far. The moment her lips made contact with his head, Shining Armor bit his lips at the immediate sensory overload.

As she slid her lips further down his shaft his eyes began to roll into his head in response to the electric jolts shooting through his member and into his lower back. Derpy took note of these subtle vibrations and let her muscle memory take over. She began wrapping her tongue around Shining armor’s length as she descended, but with each time she rose up she allowed her tongue to trail the sensitive underside of of penis. Overwhelmed by her skill, he instinctively seized Derpy’s head and began pumping his hips in time with her bobbing, slowly at first but he gradually increased his speed and ferocity as the encounter carried on. It only took him a moment before he felt a sharp swelling from the bottom of his rod.

“Derpy,” he grunted. “I think I’m gonna cum...”

Derpy said nothing but looked up to admire her progress in his strained expression and was filled with a small sense of pride that even after years without a very-special somepony to practice with, she still had it.

Shining Armor looked down only to find Derpy staring back at him. He couldn’t help but lend his attention to her off-center eye. As another jolt rocked through him causing him to wince as he was dragged even closer to orgasm he found his focus drifting back to that eye. It gave her a certain allure as if it actually added to her beauty as opposed to hindering it. He knew it must’ve been rude, but he just couldn’t help staring at it, and fortunately she didn’t seem to mind. After the vigorous ordeal of restraining himself for this long, he couldn’t hold back any longer. Shining Armor erupted into Derpy’s mouth, coating the inside with a fine layer of his seed. He pulled out as a courtesy to give her a moment to spit his load, but to his surprise, she swallowed it.

“Wonderful!” Luna cheered from her side of the bed. “Now the time has come for ye to consummate thy union, has it not?”

Shining Armor shook his head. He knew it was inevitable but he’d been hoping that somehow, perhaps Luna would be satisfied with the oral sex. Shining Armor stood up and maneuvered himself behind Derpy who wiggled her rump up upwards excitedly, lifting her tail up teasingly as she did so. At least Derpy was able to enjoy this fully. Shining Armor however

“Captain Armor, you have your orders, and yet you hesitate. Is something the matter with thy concubine?”

“Yeah,” he admitted “I mean nothing’s wrong with Derpy, but before I do this, you have to promise me that Cadence will never find out.”

“Shining Armor, our word is our bond,” Luna swore with her hoof held high. “Besides, we have almost nothing to gain from telling Cadence. Now, continue!”

Shining Armor nodded to Luna, swallowed the lump in his throat, and inched his hips closer to mount Derpy. He could feel his tip rubbing about the folds of her marehood before he finally gave a singular powerful push into her depths. Derpy shivered with delight as she felt Shining Armor slowly occupy every inch of her being. Her hind legs began to quiver at the surges of ecstasy ripping through her every nerve-ending. As Shining Armor pulled himself back, Derpy’s head craned upwards as her tongue found itself once again hanging out of her mouth. She was loving every second of this.

Shining Armor however, couldn’t believe how tight and wet she was as he pushed his way back into her warmth, slowly but surely building up a steady momentum with each thrust. Yet, as much as his body ate up the physical delectation, he just couldn’t get his mind into it, as his thoughts continued drifting back to Cadence. In an effort to staunch the guilt, he began to imagine it was his wife beneath him, and began to move his hips in all the ways that drove his beloved Mi Amore insane.

He leaned forward and wrapped his forelegs around Derpy’s midsection, stabilizing and massaging her so he could pound on twice as hard inside of her. He began to nibble and lick Derpy’s ears eliciting soft purrs from her as he paused to blow gently into her ears in between nibbles.

Princess Luna watched the two enviously, and had inadvertently bitten the handle off of her flog. She wanted to feel some satisfaction from this as well, and watching was just not cutting it for her. She trotted over to Derpy, seized the mailmare’s head as she spread her hind legs. Luna then forced the enraptured mare’s snout into the dark folds of her own marehood.

While a stallion’s touch was somewhat foreign to her, Derpy was no stranger to fillyfooling as she’d been comforted many times by her best friends after being stood up for dates. Thus, she had a fair idea on how to handle Princess Luna since unlike Shining Armor she’d never had the pleasure of being with an Alicorn. Derpy flicked her tongue in and out cautiously, testing Luna’s immediate and subsidiary reactions. To the mailmare’s relief, Luna was fairly simple to please after a thousand years, as a focus on clitoral stimulation seemed to send the Princess of the Night over the edge. Luna wrapped her flowing tail around Derpy’s head, drawing her closer so she could guide the mare’s tongue about every unexplored inch, every untouched fold, squealing and fluttering her wings in delight every time the wall-eyed mare’s tongue exposed a untapped fountain of delight.

On Shining Armor’s side of the experience, his fatigue had begun to catch up with him , and his stamina began to fail him. He could feel his much welcomed second climax encroaching upon his loins. “Hey, I think— agh— I’m about to blow again!” he grunted through the effort.

It was at this moment that Luna chose to seize Derpy’s bindings and tossed the mare from the bed, a move which left Shining Armor wanting as his was tormented by the burning need to release his pent-up climax. Fortunately for him, Luna beckoned him forward with a wave of her hoof. Shining Armor wasted no time as clambered over to Luna seeking release within her flesh. Luna however was also on the verge of her own orgasm just before she threw Derpy to the floor, and welcomed Shining Armor’s advance. He pressed into Luna with little resistance as she was already wet from Derpy’s relentless assault. He quickly found that although Luna wasn’t nearly as tight as Derpy, she was certainly more sensitive, and as a result she began clenching up around him, drawing him deeper with each squeeze bringing her closer to climax.

Shining Armor however, no longer possessed the tolerance or ability to contain his own release. He was only a pump away from losing himself to nirvana, and Luna wasn’t far behind. As he gave into his final push, a sharp explosion streamed throughout his being, stripping away all sense of rationality and thought, forcing him to focus only on the teeth-gritting intensity ripping through him at this moment.

His orgasm had inadvertently instigated Luna’s own. Luna drew Shining Armor closer and wrapped her wings around him to keep him close as a surge of colors attacked her vision, forcing her to clench her eyes. The rest of the climax swept through her in a haze of pulsing colors and insatiable heat, before a sense of pure relaxation overtook her, allowing Luna to go limp under Shining Armor. “♥Ahh, now that was fun,♥” she panted through

The guardsman pulled out of his quivering mistress and, unsteadily, made his way to Derpy while fighting the urge to succumb to his body’s sudden urge to rest. Focusing magic into his horn, he targeted the ropes, and cut them away with a simple beam of converged light.

Derpy stood up on shaky forelegs and flexed her wings which had been bound for so many hours. It felt good to be free finally. “Oooohhh, you have no idea how sore I was in those ropes,” she moaned, grabbing her mailbag from Luna’s desk. She turned around only to be met with the beet red face of Shining Armor. “Hey, what’s eating you?”

“Look, I’m sorry about that alright? I was under orders, and I’m married too but I suppose that isn’t really your issue and I—”

Shining Armor was cut-off as a clipboard and a cardboard box were shoved into his face. “Well if you’re really sorry, I kinda need a signature for this package. If you don’t mind, of course.”

Shining Armor grinned weakly at Derpy and levitated an ink soaked quill from Luna’s desk. With a few quick strokes, he’d exchanged his signature for the mysterious package, but to his surprise Derpy took more than just the clipboard. She’d taken the opportunity to plant a quick kiss on the off guard guardsman’s cheek. “And thanks, I know it wasn’t easy and didn’t mean anything to you, but that really made my day. Well, goodbye Mr. Armor!” she said disappearing around the corner.

Shining Armor, left with nothing more than a mysterious package and sense of curiosity decided to see whom the package was addressed to. “Huh, this is Princess Luna’s...” He looked at the now sleeping lump on the bed and then looked back at the box. “Well, as head of the Royal Guard, I should make sure it isn’t life-threatening to the Royal family, and she is asleep.” Without any further deliberation, Shining Armor popped the box open and peeked inside, only to find himself completely puzzled at the contents. Inside the box sat only a card and a lone blueberry muffin.

Curious, he picked up the card and began to read it but his eyes widened as he read through the message

Dear Lulu,

I know it’s been awhile since we’ve seen each other, and I’m really looking forward to that “surprise” you’ve got in store, but please promise me that you won’t use Mr. Floggie, today. Last time you left marks that I had a hard time explaining to my boss. Anyway, here’s a muffin! I hope it’s still fresh...

Your very special somepony,

Derpy

Shining Armor read through the letter three more times just to make sure his eyes weren’t playing tricks on him, placed the card back in the box, resealed it, and trotted back into the courtyard to organize his men. He never spoke of the incident with the Princess and the mailmare after that, and Luna true to her word never told a soul, but as an added precaution, Shining Armor requested his and Cadence’s immediate transfer to the Crystal Kingdom where they lived their days out in peace. Incidentally, he could never look at a certain category of breakfast pastries the same way again for the rest of his life, because muffins are evil.

La fin.