Author's Note
WARNING: This story has themes revolving around depression and suicide.
It is not my will to glorify these things, but the character herself expresses a lot of suicidal ideation and justification. Heed this with caution and please avoid if such descriptions could impact you negatively.
Also, this story is very personal to me and directly inspired by one of my memories, so please be cautious if you choose to comment.
On track
The train would go by at 5:00am on the dot, Starlight knew. Oftentimes, when she had been up all night, she would hear the distant thrum of a train chugging along the tracks, not too far from her home. A freight train, not a passenger train. Oh, she couldn't make use of a passenger train. It was bad enough that her final moments would be inconveniencing the driver. She had no desire to inconvenience anypony else.
But it would be worth it, if not for her sake, then for everypony else's.
The sky was gray and her surroundings were blanketed in a limbo between dark and light. She could see perfectly well, but there was no brightness and the vibrant colors of daytime were little more than a dreamlike memory. The grass was bathed in dew, and she felt little droplets spatter her hooves as she trotted. She found it odd how alien the world felt. She had been wide awake at this hour plenty of times before, albeit always huddled away in her room. Stepping out the door had been like crossing a portal to another dimension.
She passed a jogger. Puffs of his breath could be seen in the cool, crisp air as he cantered by. Neither acknowledged the other's existence. They were each in their own worlds, the jogger already seizing the day before the sun had even risen, and Starlight set on making this day her last. Did he know? Did he realize the mare he had just passed was a quarter-hour away from death? No, of course not. And perhaps that stranger was the last pony she would ever be next to.
She arrived at the station and stepped onto the tracks. She followed them for a while, not wanting to risk being spotted by anypony working at the station. Her hoofs clunked uncomfortably against the large rocks between the tracks. When she was a satisfying distance from the station, she sat on the edge of the track, head bowed.
She felt relieved. It was bizarre, but none of her worries mattered now that she was at the end of her road. She would no longer be haunted by the past, exhausted by the present, or daunted by the future. She wouldn't need to worry what other ponies thought of her, and live in constant fear that her past will come back to bite her again. She would never again wonder whether she had truly earned the right to be alive, or if the world would be a better place had she never been born.
Few ponies knew how it felt. Plenty of ponies knew depression, and pain, and hopelessness. But not many ever experienced the exact horror of having been a terrible being for most of their life, to the point where their sins tear away at their spirit every day and they can never forgive themselves no matter how much they have bettered themselves. Starlight had brought more suffering than light to the world. She had ruined lives. Time is fleeting, and ponies had wasted portions of their lifespans suppressing their true selves in her silly little village. She wished she could take it all back. How was she to ever live with herself?
She couldn't.
Starlight peered at the watch she had brought. Just a few more minutes.
She went on to think about friendship. Sure, she had a few friends, but with them came the unbearable guilt that she didn't deserve them. Some of them already knew about her past, but what of those who didn't? If they ever found out about her heinous crimes, they would abandon her in a heartbeat. Then they would spread word to everypony in town--Starlight Glimmer is a horrendous pony who has done some of the worst things imaginable!--and not only would she be all alone, but shunned. If that were to happen, nopony would let her smile or know peace again. She was to be shamed and resented for all eternity.
It was almost time.
She looked out at the town, and saw ponies in the distance. She could scarcely fathom the fact that any ponies at all were out and about, while others would stay snuggled in bed for the next few hours. She squinted as she spotted somepony walking their dog. Surely they must have seen her, too. The pony was looking towards her, but they neither drew near nor called out to her. Perhaps they assumed Starlight was just a foolish teen loitering on the tracks, and would be on her way soon. That was not so.
Suddenly Starlight remembered what was important, and looked at her watch again. It was 5:00am. Any second now, she would feel the rumble of the approaching freight train in the ground beneath her haunches. The distant chugs and puffs would tickle her eardrums. She was calm. She stopped thinking. Everything was going to be okay, for she would never again feel despair.
Seconds drifted by. Then a minute. The chilly air had seeped into her fur, and a shudder crawled up her spine. She wanted the cold to go away--not by losing all her senses and consciousness, she realized, but by snuggling into her blankets back home and slowly becoming swathed in warmth. It was such a simple pleasure she would never experience again.
She began to think some more.
She wanted to escape all her dread, and she wanted to rid the world of the burden of her presence. She wanted to make up for her dark past by snuffing out her existence. But now she was thinking about other things--small things, meaningless things. She wanted to hear her favorite song one last time. She wanted to taste her favorite food one last time. What selfish feelings these were. She didn't deserve any comforts--She didn't even deserve to breathe. But she also wanted to make sure her loved ones were happy and well; she hadn't said goodbye.
Perhaps the feelings of those who cared about her mattered more than the feelings of those who might hate her. In spite of how little she deserved her friends, they would probably be sad to hear that she'd gone. She wanted to stay, but that would be putting her own desires above her friends'. She had already been enough of a nuisance, and the least redeeming thing she ought to do was act like a jerk in her final moments.
She gave it a couple more minutes, and glanced at her watch again. It was 5:05am. Perhaps she had been mistaken, and the train wasn't coming today. She could have sat there and waited a little longer, or even all day. That would have been easy. But she heaved herself to her hooves and marched along the tracks once more. It had been freeing to play with the fragility of her own life. It had been somewhat impulsive, somewhat not. She had wanted to end things for a long time, but only recently toyed with the urge to let a train do it for her.
She walked home. Yet, shortly after she distanced herself from the tracks, she heard a sound. Her ears pricked up, and she glanced back over her shoulder. It was the train. It was coming, seven minutes late. She watched it come into view, and her gaze momentarily lingered on it as it rattled by. She wondered how different things would be if she had waited just a few minutes longer. The world would have managed; it would have went on without her. But her friends' and family's worlds would have been shattered, no matter how wrong she thought they were for liking her. She deserved to die, but her friends and family didn't deserve to be sad. How fickle.
She looked ahead and continued onwards. She would be home again soon.
She wasn't looking forward to being crushed under the weight of her fears again, nor the guilt of betraying the universe by continuing to live. But she did look forward to seeing the way Sunburst's eyes lit up when he found a particularly intriguing artefact. She looked forward to seeing Trixie's wide, contagious grin whenever they hung out. She looked forward to hearing Maud Pie's soothing drone of a voice. The smell of old books, the breathtaking view of a good sunset, the rough feeling of Spike's scales compared to the velvety texture of pony fur, the taste of Pinkie's cupcakes and how each dessert she baked was miraculously more delicious than the last. They were far from enough to outweigh her pain, but they were something.
It was silly, but for now, she would survive for those things.
Perhaps one day she could survive for herself, too.
