Ponies Don't Wear Shorts

by kits

Rating: teen
Tags: Equestria Girls, Sex, Anthology, Main 6, Main 7 (EqG), My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance
Length: 7554

A collection of short stories, drabbles, and scenes

A collection of short stories, drabbles, and scenes.

Some of these may someday find their ways into longer works, but these shorts probably won't have any real continuity between them

Content Warning is for slightly steamy scene and some implications

Published 2021-10-20 02:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2021-11-02 02:45:51 UTC

Thumbs vs Autocorrect [Sunset][Rainbow Dash]

"Holy crap, Sunset!" Rainbow threw her hands up in disbelief. "How can you not know how smoking hot you are?!"

"Indeed, Darling." Rarity gently pushed Rainbow's arms back to her sides. "Between your complexion, hair, fitness, and your... endowment, you are quite beautiful."

Sunset Shimmer placed her calculus textbook back into her locker and gave her friends a sidelong glance as she slammed the door home. "My what?"

Rainbow Dash jumped forward and poked a finger at Sunset's sternum. "She means your amazing tits! Ow!"

"Oh my." Fluttershy pulled her backpack around in front and ducked behind it, as if she could hide from scene in front of her.

Rarity's forehead was wrinkled and one of her eye lids twitched. "Yes, thank you, Rainbow Dash," she said, through gritted teeth. Removing her fist from Rainbow's side, she allowing the other girl to slump against the lockers and Fluttershy. She smoothed her skirt and was back to beaming at Sunset, as if the whole incident had never happened. "What Rainbow Dash was trying to say, Darling is that, well... you're simply ravishing."

The bell rang, sending them scrambling for their next class.

Sunset thought about what her friends had said. She thought about it as she ran to class, she thought about it during her history test, she thought about is as she compared half-remembered answers with her classmates, and she thought about it as she made her farewells. She thought about it right up until she ran into the girls in the parking lot.

"Then why hasn't anyone asked me out?" Perhaps she could have lent some context to that question, but Rarity seemed to pick up on it after only four and half awkward seconds, but it was Rainbow Dash that answered first.

"Pfft." She waved Sunset's question away like a particularly unannoying gnat. "You're like, out of the league of ninety-nine percent of the boys here."

"Um," Fluttershy mumbled something too quiet to make out. When Rainbow prodded her she repeated, slightly louder. "You can also be a little... intimidating?" She shrunk behind her backpack, once again hugged to her chest like a pillow.

"Hrm, yes." Rarity brought a hand to her chin as she evaluated Sunset with a critical eye. "I supposed saving the whole school from those sirens and then your little display at the Friendship Games could make you somewhat hard to approach. Most boys don't relish the thought of being so thoroughly overawed by their girlfriends."

Pinkie joined them and they switched to other topics.

Sunset thought about those words too. She thought about it on her walk home. She thought about it as she cooked and ate dinner. She thought about it instead of her chemistry homework. And she thought about it as she opened her messages app.

What about the girls?

It would be a while before she received a response, but with any luck, she'd get one before tomo-

Sunset's phone buzzed with the quick staccato rhythm Twilight had helped her pick out for Rainbow Dash. As she reached to pick up up, it buzzed again. And then again.

OMG RU GUY?
Bicycle
DUCKING PHONE
Do u like girls to?

                   Uh. Yeah?

Yes!

                          ?

AJ owes me 5 $ :3
Also, you have to go to the dance
with me
I mean
if you wanna
like
fuck

Sunset's phone rang. She nearly jumped. Sunset's phone never rang. None of her friends ever used their phones to talk to each other. She lifted the ringing device gently. Unsure of exactly how to do this, she pressed the green button that had a silhouette of some sort of squared off banana. "Hello?"

"Oh my god, Sunset!" Rainbow's words tripped over each other. "You have to go out with me!"

"What?" Sunset was shocked. More so by the clarity of Dash's voice then the question itself. "You mean like a date?"

"Yes!" Rainbow giggled. She giggled. "Yes a date. I'm asking you and your amazing rack out on a date!"

Author's Note

Originally posted as a blog post

Purple Crush [Rainbow Dash][Sunset Shimmer][Main 7]

Author's Note

This was originally going to be the start of its own fic, but, um, I'm me. Yeah. I ran out of steam and my own mental health is blocking me from continuing. I may finish it up someday, but wanted to share the bits I managed to get down with y'all.

Purple Crush [Rainbow Dash][Sunset Shimmer][Main 7]

“Come on! Y’all chose truth and now you gotta fess up.” Applejack slapped Rainbow Dash on the shoulder. “Now spill. Who does the great Rainbow Dash got a crush on?”

Rainbow rolled her eyes, but her sarcastic dismissal didn’t touch her lips. “I told you, AJ. I don’t have a crush on anybody.”

“And I'm sayin’ that’s horse apples!” Applejack fired back. “Y’all used to text me your fantasies about Spitfire.”

“Oh!” Pinkie giggled. “You should totally share!”

Rarity gave a disgusted “Ugh!” and tossed her hair while Fluttershy ducked her head to hide her blush behind her hair, but both leaned closer to Applejack.

“Spitfire?” asked Twilight. “The actress?”

Rainbow looked to the side and mumbled something that might have been a yes.

Sunset laughed. “This makes too much sense!” She doubled over giggling.

All six of her friends were staring at her. Sunset caught her breath, but when she looked up and made eye contact with Rainbow Dash, her laughter began again. It was another minute before she got herself under control.

“Sorry! Sorry!” A few chuckles threatened to start the process anew, but Sunset forced them down. “It’s just, I had a poster of her, well, the Equestrian Spitfire, and now I’m imagining you and her and..." she tossed her hand into the air, "feathers everywhere!”

Ignoring Sunsets renewed bought of cackling, Applejack turned to face Rainbow. “Come on, RD. You gotta be honest about this. Can you look me in the eye and say there ain’t a single person, inside this school or out of it, that you don’t wanna,” Applejack made quotes in the air and did her best to rasp, “ ‘get freaky with’ ?”

Rainbows face became a mask of determination as she glared at Applejack. “N-“ she started to say. But the way she flinched and looked away gave lie to her denial. “Fine! Yes. I like some- someone.”

All six girls waited. Even Sunset has finally gone silent. When it became clear Dash wasn’t gonna say anything more without prompting, Applejack spoke. “Sugar cube, y-“

“It’s Twilight Sparkle, alright!?”

Shocked gasps and then silence. “M-me?” Twilight’s voice shook with confusion as her eyes did a fair approximation of saucers.

Rainbow looked away, but not in time to hide her flushed cheeks. “No,” she muttered to a pillow.

The girls all shared a round of confused looks. Applejack reached towards Rainbow, but the other girl just pulled her shoulder away from her friend's touch. "Sugar cube, I don't quite follow. How can y'all have a crush on Twilight without it being Twilight?" As soon as she said it, understanding bloomed within. With a start. She saw the light of comprehension dawning on her friend's faces as well. For a long minute, no one spoke.

"Darling." Rarity's voice was hesitant. It was the same tone she used when she tried to tactfully point out that one of her friends was making a ghastly faux pas. "You, um, are aware that Princess Twilight is, well, um, a pony, right?" Rarity blushed and turned towards Sunset. "No offense?"

"None tak-" Sunset paused, then knit her brows together. "No, wait. I think I'm allowed to be offended by that."

"Yeah, Rarity." Dash crossed her arms and tried to glare at her friend. "That's racist. Or... human-ist? Pony-ist? Come on, Sunset. Help me out here."

"In fact," Sunset slapped a fist into her palm, "I think I will be!"

"The word you're looking for is 'specist'." Twilight adjusted her glasses as the three girls turned to look at her. "But it's not quite right either. Both of them are human on this side of the portal. And we were all ponies on the other side." Twilight's eyes squeezed shut as she shivered. After a moment spent in recovery, she turned to Sunset. "You told us there's three main kinds of ponies. Is it a problem if they're not the same kind."

Sunset gave a single snort and dismissed that concern with a roll of her eyes.

"And you're okay with this, Twilight?" Rarity placed a hand on Twilight's shoulder. "Rainbow Dash has a crush on an alternate version of you, after all."

Twilight nodded. "I'll admit, it's always a bit weird to hear 'Twilight Sparkle,' or to say it, and mean someone else. But she is someone else."

"Oh! Oh! I have an idea!" Pinkie excitedly bounced in place. "You should totally use SunnyShim's bookphone to ask Twilight, the pony one, out!"

Sunset leveled a glare at Pinkie. "You're not using the magical connection that is probably the only usable way I have back to Equestria to make a booty call, Pinkie."

And because the universe has its own perverse sense of humor, at that moment the silence of the room was shattered by the book on Sunset’s bedside table buzzing.

"Is it weird that I think she's hot?"

Sunset shook her head. "Nah. She's got that whole nerd-librarian thing going on. Only with her, it's genuine." She put a finger to her chin in thought. "I guess with both of them, it's genuine. Princess Twilight carries it with more confidence."

Rainbow shook her own head. "No. I mean, yeah. But that's not what I meant."

Sunset didn't answer. She crossed her arms and leaned back against the wall. She knew she couldn't force Rainbow Dash. Any attempt to make her talk would just end up with one of them stomping off in a huff.

"Is it weird, I thought she was hot in Equestria?"

Sunset tried, she really did. She lasted a good four seconds before her lips twitched and another two before she broke down laughing entirely.

Dash threw her hands up. "I'm being serious here! How weird is this? I'm having a hard time with the fact that I basically want to kiss a horse!"

Still shaking with laughter, Sunset leaned forward and clapped a hand on Rainbow's shoulder. "Dash, I dated Flash for almost three years."

"Yeah, but you... Well, you know." Dash made a gesture while taking in Sunset.

Sunset smiled. A few months ago, Rainbow would have just blurted out the truth instead of considering Sunset's feelings at all. "I was a manipulative bitch." She poked Dash in the chest. "But! I also was a self-centered manipulative bitch with an ego the size of two worlds." She nearly laughed again at Rainbow's confused look. "Dash, of course I picked a guy I thought was hot. Old-me would never have settled for less than ten out of ten." They shared a small chuckle.

Dash's grin turned into a smirk. "Flash? A ten? You sure the portal doesn't scramble braincells?"

Sunset rolled her eyes. "Okay, okay. You're right." She held up a finger. "But! He was popular and was still good looking."

Dash's smirk grew. "Yeah, if you got a thing for gigantic dorks."

"Says the girl crushing on the magical librarian who lives in a friendship castle and is Twilight Sparkle," Sunset fired back. Her eyes narrowed, but the mock anger never touched her lips. In a moment, both her and Rainbow were laughing again.

Wiping a few tears from her face, Sunset grabbed Dash's shoulder and looked her in the eyes. "But that still leaves us with a problem." Her gaze sobered Rainbow quickly. "Twilight also liked Flash."

Dash sighed. "I know! The hot girls are all straight." Rainbow slumped against the wall and looked towards the ceiling. "Story of my life." With a sidelong glance at Sunset, she asked "How is that an 'us' problem?"

"Duh!" Pinkie Pie dropped down from a loose ceiling panel and scooped Rainbow up in a hug. "Because we're your friends! Did you think we wouldn't concoct and participate in some overly complicated scheme to give you a shot with your prized purple pony princess?"

Dash is Bored [Rainbow Dash][Sunset Shimmer]

8:57

"Ugh! So bored!" Rainbow Dash announced to the ceiling fan. Throwing herself onto her back, she glanced through at her messages again. No reply from Pinkie. She had alerts enabled, so she knew it was pointless to flick through all her other friends, but it killed about ten seconds so she did it anyway. Rarity, Sunset, Twilight, AJ, Fluttershy, of course, but also Lemon Zest, Juniper, Thunderlane, Indigo Zap, Trixie, Sour Sweet, Vinyl Scratch, Sugarcoat, and Sunny Flare. Even Scootaloo and her friends were at some last-week-of-vacation cooking camp. Her random walk through her friends list triggered a spark of irritation that she latched onto. How dare they all leave her to stew in Ponyville by herself! But try as she might, the righteous indignation faded as fast as it had come on.

As she had seven times this morning, Dash let her phone flop back onto her bed. She stared at the spinning ceiling fan until the blades seemed to vanish and it was her that was spinning.

A buzz brought her out of her trace. She shot up into a sitting position and eagerly unlocked her phone, thumbs automatically performing the ritual that would bring up the latest received message. It took her a full second to realize that she'd gotten excited about a reminder email proclaiming that she only had two more days to sign up for school sports.

Dash had enough self control to resist the urge to hurl her phone at the wall. It was still pretty new and her Mom had made her work to pay for it herself. Nine hundred dollars was a lot of "would you like fries with that"s to break on a whim. With a groan, Rainbow dropped back into her bed, settling back into her boneless sloth.

A second buzz. It could have been seconds, minutes, or hours later. Well, not hours. Rainbow almost ignored it. It was probably some lame notification from some lame game she'd already grown bored of trying to suck her back in. Hardly worth the effort of lifting the thing. Boredom won out and she brought her phone back to her face just in time to catch the notification banner sliding back up and away.

Sunnybuns: Sorry, Dash. I promised P. Twilight and P. Celestia I'd make it back home before vacation was over. Hang out when I get back?

Great. Her last hope was heading out of town. Way out of town. Dash let herself flop half off of her bed, only moving to the floor when the aching in her spine outweighed the effort it took to succumb completely to gravity. With a heavy sigh, she brought her phone back to her face. Two minutes had passed. Rainbow checked her message to Pinki--

"Screw this." Dash growled at herself. Rolling to her stomach, she found Sunset's last message, she thumbed in a message of her own and hit send before she could reconsider. She levered herself to her feet, ignoring the stinging tingle that had set into her left leg, and began digging through the laundry basket, looking for anything that was clean. She ignored the buzz her phone gave a few seconds later. Grabbing a skirt that wasn't too wrinkled, she ran off to the bathroom to brush her teeth. It didn't matter what the message said, she wasn't going to let the answer be no anyway.

As she hurriedly dragged a brush through her hair, Rainbow idly wondered what else besides chocolate fondue she'd end up eating before the week was out.

"For the last time, Rainbow," Sunset Shimmer quickened her step, as if she could somehow walk fast enough to leave Rainbow behind, "You can not come with me to my 'Magical Horse Kingdom' just because you're bored!" She hitched her satchel up, as if she could wall out Dash's very existence and thereby not have to deal with a very loud, very annoying, and very persistent friend.

Rainbow snorted and rolled her eyes. Her arms were folded up behind her head, exuding an air of lazy assuredness that had Sunset on edge. Too bad it didn't hinder her in the least. She easily kept pace with Sunset. "Yeah. If I didn't give up and go away the first ten times you said that, what makes you think an eleventh is going to do much good?"

"It's my home," Sunset growled. "Not some playground for bored adolescents."

"I'm eighteen, Sunnybuns." The smugness in Rainbow's voice oozed over Sunset and she ground her teeth to keep herself from saying something she'd regret later. "And in case you missed it," she caught Rainbow winking at her as she made and fired a finger gun, "that's 'adult' in human years."

Sunset rolled her eyes. "Yay." Her voice held all the enthusiasm of boulder in an empty room. "It's not a playground for 'adults' either." Rainbow had better be able to hear those quotes. "Besides, Princess Twilight—"

"Yeah, yeah. She's worried about dimensional boundaries blah, blah, blah." Dash waved away a dozen theses on dimensional manipulation like so many cobwebs. "But I figure with you and her and Starlight—who I kinda wanna hang out with again, just, you know, Eff Why Eye—anything that was gonna happen would have by now."

Sunset froze mid retort and Rainbow continued several steps past her before turning around and cocking an eyebrow. Sunset dropped her hand back to her side. "You make a good point," she said to the bush by the path.

Rainbow flashed her a grin. "So I can come?"

Sunset hesitated. If she hadn't tried to beat Rainbow to the statue, she could have written to Princess Twilight and asked permission, but the journal was the link between worlds. She didn't want to risk the portal closing if she brought it back to Equestria, and so had left it safe at home.

What was the worst that could happen? Rainbow gets mistaken for the native version, goes along with it, and... Twilight's other friend was a bit miffed? Somepony got a forged signature on a poster? "Fine. You can come. But!" she raised her voice, drowning out Rainbow's "yes!" and catching her fist mid pump. "There's a few rules."

"No problem. Lay 'em on me, pony pal."

It was Sunset's turn to roll her eyes. "Well rule one was going to be don't go blabbing about the portal, but I think not calling me 'pony pal' ever again trumps it." She set her face in her most serious stare. It lasted all of five seconds before she and Rainbow both broke out in giggles.

After they'd recovered, Sunset continued. "Just, try to keep the whole other-world thing on the down low, ok? I dunno how much Princess Twilight has told everypony—yes, that's the proper way to speak there—about the portal."

"Yeah, yeah." Dash flung one arm around Sunset's shoulders and jabbed her other thumb at her own chest. "I've seen enough aliens-come-to-earth movies to know how to play the part." They walked for a dozen paces before Dash spoke again. "So 'everypony'? Anything else I need to know to not stick out like a sore thumb."

Sunset snorted. "You won't have thumbs. Nopony will. That's kinda one of the defining characteristics of being a pony."

"Huh." Dash descended into quiet contemplation once again.

"Hey, Sunset."

"Yeah?"

"If ponies don't have hands, what are your rules for soccer?"

Author's Note

I see a lot of the same character tags. I wonder if I have a preference?

Unnamed [Applejack][Sunset Shimmer][Steamy-ish]

Sunset Shimmer broke their kiss just long enough to gasp in a lungful of air. Between touches of Applejack's lips on hers, she had long ago gotten used to her lips, but these teeth were another matter, she breathily whispered. "Applejack, we shouldn't...Ah! We need to–"

Applejack placed her ho—hand over Simmer's mouth. It's so warm. And soft. Another thing that she had trouble remembering.

"Shush, you. Y'all want this as badly as I do."

"But Applejack, I–" She looked away. "You know I'm not– that I'm a pony, right?" If she had mobile ears they'd be laying against the flat of her head. Celestia, I can feel them now. The ears were harder to get used to. Every time she sang she was reminded of the ones she'd been born with. "I mean, I love you, but we're–" She caught sight of Applejack's grin. Applejack's suddenly predatory grin.

"I not only know, sugar cube. It's half the reason you're so hot." Applejack placed a kiss right in the center of her forehead. Right where her horn would have been. The realization drew forth a sharp squeak as her legs, and arms, she reminded herself, trembled.

"I'm, ah, also an, oh, twenty-three!" She stammered out as Applejack nibbled on her ears. Well, she'd have no trouble telling them apart now.

"I told y'all, I failed the 9th grade. I've been 18 for most of the year, Shimmer." Applejack placed her lips right up against Sunset's ear. "You ain't getting out of this one that easy."

Sunset groaned. She didn't have the willpower to put off Applejack's advances any longer. Grabbing the other mare's–girl's!—head with her hands, she brought AJ's lips to her own and struggling to ignore her teeth, kissed the other m–girl, allowing all of her passion to flow forth.

She felt tingles running through her entire body. She let go of AJ's head and began to fumble at buttons hold AJ's shirt together. She silently cursed her lack of unicorn magic just now, a lack she had actually grown used to until this very moment. It didn't help matters any that Applejack was trying to rip her t-shirt off at the moment. Stupid humans and their stupid clothing.

The tingles intensified and began to turn into a roaring heat, filling her entire body. With a grunt of effort, she tore the final button free. Opening her eyes slowly, she wanted to savor this moment, she finally beheld... fucking humans and their Celestia damned fucking clothing!

Applejack laughed her deep throaty laugh. "And it's also what makes you so damned cute."

Sunset blushed and felt the heat inside her spread to her whole body.

With a grin Applejack popped open the button on her pants and slid her hand down inside her underwear. She closed her eyes and arched into Applejack's hand.

"Now you just stop all that talking and let–" Applejack cut off abruptly. Sunset tried to open her eyes, but it was hard to fight her way back through the bliss. She heard Applejack say her name, but it was muffled, as if coming from far away or from under the covers.

The heat rose inside her, seeming to concentrate in her forehead. It was more than heat now. Pressure, cold, heat, numbness all washed over her. She felt like she was being pulled in eight directions at once.

And then it stopped. So completely and suddenly that Sunset wondered if she had really even felt anything at all. Anything besides the hand between her legs, that is. It had probably been nothing. She let out a contented groan and squeezed her legs together around that hand.

"Um. Sunset?" Applejack's voice was toneless, lacking all of the warmth and desire it had held just a few seconds ago.

What did I do this time? Sunset sighed, and let her legs relax. They felt a bit weird, but then again, this whole night had been one new feeling after another. She opened her eyes to see the strangest expression she'd ever seen on any of these humans' faces.

Applejack's eyes were wide, but her pupils were pinpricks. A rosy blush covered the entirety of her face, almost drowning out her freckles. The corner of her lip was tucked under her teeth and looked like she was about to start bleeding. As Sunset watched, the blush drew darker and Applejack's mouth curved upwards into a fair approximation of one of Pinkie's better smiles.

"What's wrong, Applejack?"

Applejack's nose crinkle up and she closed her eyes and smiled even wider. "Ain't nothing wrong, sugar cube." She planted a quick kiss on the tip of her muzzle. "I just never really expected... you know, this."

Wait. Tip of her muzzle?

Sunset's eyes crossed as they focused on her, yes, very pony muzzle.

"What. The. Hell."

Author's Note

Applejack wants to screw a pony

Warpastry 40k - Yes, it's as dumb as it sounds

Author's Note

This scrap predates fimfiction. It's so season 1 it hurts.

As you can tell, this is a bit of an absurd take on a bafflingly popular 2011 trope. W40K and MLP. I seriously do not get it at all. But I was tired of reading them and spite drove me. Then it petered out before I could finish. I still se mention of 40k crossovers today, but I'm either less annoyed by them or there really were a lot more back in '11. IDK.

Warpastry 40k - Yes, it's as dumb as it sounds

Fresh snow crunched under her purple hooves. Fresh, white snow. The alabaster crispness would run red with the spilled innards of countless cherry turnovers and the slick wetness of half-baked pies before day's end, but for now it gleamed with an immaculate cleanliness matched only but the purity of her purpose.

Twilight's stride was slightly hampered by the straight legged sleeves her position demanded of her. The black fabric was stiff, but held the creases pressed into it with remarkable ease. The overcoat buttoned up her chest with two rows of small discs of gleaming brass. Twin oversized lapels framed her normally slender shoulders, pink six pointed stars stitched into the fabric declared her rank for the assembled ponies. A cape, divided at the dock to allow her tail freedom, lay across her back covering her flanks. The black material gleamed in the morning light. Her head, alone amongst the assembled ponies, was uncovered, her mane waving gently in the slight breeze.

"Is everypony ready?" Comma– no, Commissar Sparkle asked as she paced in front of the formation of her friends and neighbors. Her voice was muted, but her magic carried it to every one of the assembled ponies. She was glad of the spell, too much shouting in such cold weather wasn't good for anypony's throat.

Nopony said a word, which was fine since she wasn't really asking them anything. They had been drilling for the past week and everypony was as ready as they were going to get. Still, some formalities, like good jam, had to be preserved, and what pony could turn down the opportunity for a speech?

Coming to a stop in front of the center of the formation, she clicked her hooves together and pivoted to face the assembled ranks. She kept her features schooled except for a slight widening of her lavender eyes. It was the first time she had actually looked at the assembled ponies and really taken the view in. They stood in well ordered ranks, unmoving. Row upon row, file upon file. And they were quiet. The uniforms Rarity had provided masked what should have been a riot of pastel colors. This combined with the unnatural order of the gathering and the lack of casual conversation sent chills down Twilight's withers. With their manes tucked into helmets and their tails obscured with strips of cloth, she was facing an army of clones, each identical except for the hue of their eyes. Eyes which bored into her as she stalled for time. Despite the hackle-raising similarity and lack of variety, she was able to pick some ponies out of the crowd.

Front and center was Applejack. The orange pony's trademark cowpony hat standing out against a sea of evergreen vests and helmets. The red apple emblazoned on her chest, a symbol of her rank and position as an Element of Harmony, marked her as a commander for any who were confused or hadn't been paying attention. Her second in command stood next to her, the smiling sunflower looking even more out of place than Applejack's own adornment. Cheerilee had pulled her scarf over her face already and without the personalized rank emblem, Twilight would have been hard pressed to put a name to those green eyes. Many ponies already wore their scarves over their muzzles, the small puffs of white accompanying each breath a testament to the chill.

Despite her own heavy overcoat, Twilight shivered. She should never have let Rarity talk her into that last clip. True it was stylish and it made her look absolutely great, but her winter coat had never been as thick as most others. Still, even Rainbow Dash had complemented her and Pinkie had said she looked "hot to trot", Twilight wasn't quite sure what that meant, but she was sure it was nice. She stomped on that line of thought before her blush became too obvious to blame on the cold.

The Appleguard, the infantry. The largest contingent present and the backbone of Ponyville's might. Without this legion of strong backs and able hooves, the pegasus scouts would have nopony to fall back to when they exhausted their meager supplies. Without these stalwart ponies, her unicorn brethren—that was the word the books all used, right?—would find themselves exhausted and quickly overrun. She could think of none better to lead the this keystone of her army than Ponyville's most reliable pony.

Twilight cleared her throat, buying herself a few more precious seconds. She had wanted to prepare note cards for this occasion, but Rarity had cautioned her that it would have a much less emotional impact if she appeared to be reading her inspirational speech. Rainbow had simply told her that cards weren't cool enough. Between the two of them they had pestered her until she had relented. Twilight wished she had been stronger willed.

"My fellow Equestrians," Twilight began. "Today it falls to us to defend Ponyville." The pressure from so many eyes was too much. She turned and began to pace in front of the ranks. "You know what is at stake, what we fight for today. Today the 7th Griffon begins their assault to take from us what is ours. This, I will not have. Today we battle for glory, for Ponyville, for all of Equestria." She hazarded a glance at her soldiers, she was in front of the flight teams now, almost squarely in front of Rainbow Dash. Not even Rarity's considerable skills at camouflage could completely hide those multi-chromatic locks.

The chill wind gusted, ruffling a few locks of red and orange hair that stuck out from beneath her helmet. Other than her wings and face, the pegasus was devoid of color, she had yet to don her rank markings, a red lightning bolt. Twilight wondered if she had forgotten or had just decided to avoid wearing it for the speech. They were somewhat difficult to put on without help. Rainbow had probably decided to sleep in until it was too late to ask a fellow flier for assistance.

"But mostly we fight for that triple-layered, chocolate-carrot cake." Twilight turned to face her troops, her eyes narrowing. She stomped a hoof into the ground, the snow deadening the dramatic thump she had been hoping for. "I want that cake. It's looks incredibly delicious. It may be the most delicious cake I have seen come from within the hallowed halls of the, um, the Caketorium." Caketorium? Seriously? Twilight really wished she had kept her notes, talking like a general out of some fantasy novel was hard. So many overly dramatic made up words for common everyday things, it was hard to keep them all straight.

Rainbow Dash saluted, a moment later the quiet rustling of fabric broke the silence as her corps of scouts followed suite. Rarity had given all of the fliers mottled light on dark gray patterned vests and stockings. The clothing was loose and shapeless, it hung like sacks several sizes too large. While Rarity would normally bemoan such ill-fitting garments, she had insisted that the fit was proper and necessary to allow the fliers to blend into the open sky. It was eerily like staring at an army of ghosts. Once Dash covered her muzzle with the provided scarf and her rose colored eyes with her flight goggles, only her blue wings and patches of her rainbow tail would be visible against the cloudy sky. Heavy with the promise of snow, the weather favored the defenders, just the way they had planned it. The brown and white Griffon army would be visible for miles while their own fliers would be hard to spot as long as they kept the clouds to their backs.

Hiding behind the leader of the Stormbolts1—Rainbow had insisted on the name—lurked the ill-suited second in command, Fluttershy. While Dash had been literally flipped when she had been put in charge of the mobile leg of their defense force, Fluttershy had tried to huddle into a tiny ball and disappear. The leaders had been chosen by popular vote and plenty of ponies still remembered her from her modeling career. Her recent performance as Private Pansy, the pegasus responsible for helping bring harmony to Equestria, had certainly not helped her avoid election. The yellow pegasus either hadn't wanted to disappoint anypony or simply lacked the social wherewithal to say no. Probably both. As Twilight's eyes passed over her, she ducked her head in a effort to hide behind her flowing pink mane, forgetting in her nervousness that it had been tied back and hidden inside of her soft, shapeless hat. Finding no cover, she stared at her hooves as she fumbled a bit of snow between them causing light to glint off of the pink butterfly pinned to her cap.

1: It was a dramatic improvement on what her texts had wanted to call them. Adeptus Volatus, stupid made up language.

Commissar Sparkle turned once more and returned to her slow pacing. "But not only is our cake at stake. No, as unbelievable as it may seem, we have greater– equally great concerns." Lying simply wouldn't do. She pivoted, one hoof jabbed dramatically towards Canterlot Castle, barely visible in the distance. "With our capital besieged and the fall of Manehattan, we are Equestria's greatest hope against the tide of beak and claw. If we do not hold, the feathered menace will be able to bring their full might to bear on our beloved Princesses."

Muttering rose from among the ranks. Twilight would have silenced them with a sharp glance, her role demanded it from her, but she was frantically trying to remember what part came next. It was like a test she hadn't been allowed to study for. Blasted Rarity, insisting she do this by rote.

The object or her ire was currently on the walkway surrounding their 'headquarters'. Twilight's initial plans, and indeed all tradition, had called for the town center to be declared their 'monastery'. What monks had to do with anything she still hadn't found out. Stupid fake words. She had planned on using it, but the mayor had objected, they had just finished repairing the building. Twilight had relented, but that left them needing a new headquarters, she refused to use those silly, ill-fitting names in the privacy of her own head. The mare had suggested the library, but Twilight wasn't about to let a hoard of screaming griffons assault her precious books with blueberry cobbler, raspberry tarts, and Celestia knew what other pastries of mass destruction. No pony had wanted their business or homes to suffer the wrath of battle either. One by one, every structure in Ponyville had been discarded until they were left with this. Applejack's one-time home-away-from-home, the meeting room for the Rainbow Dash fan club, the Cutie Mark Crusader's club house in Whitetail woods.

Rarity and the rest of the unicorns who had sufficient talent were cloaked in tight fitting, dark red vests. Unlike the Appleguard or the Stormbolts, the SPIFFYTROUSERSBRIGADE had no need to blend into terrain. They would rely less on evasion and hiding and more on their own telekinetic abilities to keep their coats unstained. Twilight would have been among their number had either the Mayor's, Rainbow Dash's, or Apple Bloom's bid for Commissar succeeded. Rarity wore her diamond insignia on a long strand of similar, but smaller, diamonds, threaded throughout her luxurious mane. Noting Twilight's gaze lingering on her, she tossed her head sending her locks bounding causing a riot of sparkles to gleam across her mane.

Twilight needed to end this and soon. Never had she thought she'd be so lost without her notes. What she would give for a simple checklist of topics. She had one of course, back in her study. She raised her voice. "So know, not only do we battle for Ponyville, not only do we battle for cake, but we battle for the very honor of the Princesses! For the honor of Equestria!" Scattered cheering rose from the assembled ponies. "Until the last pie is hurled and the last tart is thrown, we shall not relent." More shouting this time. Her book, How to Win Friends and Incite them to Pie-lust, had certainly been correct about the importance of over-dramatization. "Though our foes out number us, we shall prevail!" Most of the ponies present were cheering her words. "The Princesses' will guides us and we shall not falter!" The cheering rose to near deafening levels.

Twilight's pupils narrowed and despite the crisp, cool winter air, her forehead became damp with sweat. What was that final line? She tried to picture the note cards in her mind. "My fellow Equestrians," no that was the start. Mentally she flipped forward several dozen cards and frantically tried to read from memory. "Caketorium," GAH! It was their fault she couldn't remember her closing lines. Them, those not-words. Those bit of faux-unicorian that made no sense had robbed her of precious mental storage for real words. Words that mattered. Words with a purpose.

"Come on Twilight, you can do this," she hissed under her breath. "Think. What could Commissar Candycane have said?" She mentally flipped open the book, turning pages in her mind. So many were blank or held but a single memorable phrase that was legible, fiction had never stuck with her the same way references had. She stopped when she came to a page covered in words, Candycane's speech to his beleaguered troops and conscripts. She zeroed in on his final words. She drew in her breath, she would need to summon the raw, primal fury of a true shout, not merely a magically amplified voice.

"For the herd!" Her cry was echoed by the assembled throng.

"For the Princesses!" Cries of 'for Luna' and 'for Celestia' reverberated through the clearing.

"For the cake!"

Echoes of "cake" rebounded off of the fresh, white snow.

66% Is technically passing [Rainbow Dash][Sunset Shimmer]

Rainbow Dash slowly pushed her hand into the air.

Fingers massaging the bridge of her nose, Sunset repressed a sigh. “Yes, Rainbow. What is it?”

“Aren’t we like, half pony?”

Sunset clenched her other hand into a fist at her side to avoid slapping her face for a second time. No. This was Rainbow Dash. After Pinkie Pie, she was the worst at asking questions. Or maybe the best at asking dumb questions. Or the best at asking the dumbest questions that somehow made sense once she asked them. “And just how,” Sunset was proud of how level her voice was, “are you half pony?”

“Well there was that time where we all hung out in a magic castle and sat on thrones eating chocolate fondue with a pony princess.... but if you want a more permanent answer..." Rainbow flapped her wings and gestured to her head where a pair of pony ear twitched twice before perking forward.

Tension drained from Sunset. The best dumbest questions. “Alright. You get ‘nag’ and ‘gluebait’ but only Twilight has ‘pinhead’ privileges.”

Rainbow pumped a fist in the air. “Two outta three!”

Memes [Rainbow Dash -- Thumbs Edition][Twilight Sparkle -- Hooves Edition]

The portal was always disorientating. Especially when taking it at speed, and Rainbow Dash seldom went through at anything less than her fastest sprint. She’d long ago mastered the transition from running on two legs to running on all four, even if a true canter and gallop still felt weird. But today, in her excitement, she paid even less heed. And so, just as she drew in a breath to announce her arrival, she tripped over the frame of the ornate mirror that framed the portal on the Equestrian side.

She yelped as she hit the floor. It didn’t hurt as much as it should. Something about being a pony made falling easier. Rainbow blamed Pinkie for that. Somehow, she just knew it was her fault. She let out a yelp as the tennis ball she had been holding in her mouth—unexpectedly. It had been in her hand when she entered the portal—popped free.

“Rainbow Dash?!” A flurry of purple feathers and magenta magic engulfed her. “Are you okay?” Twilight Sparkle, princess of Equestria and girl— marefriend to the self proclaimed queen of awesome, swooped her into a hug that was part affection and part a desire to check her over for injuries.

Pushing awkwardly at a wing stuck in her mouth, only to realize it was her own, Dash said, “I’m fine, twilight.” It took a few moments to reassure her girlfriend that she was actually fine, but Twilight tended to fret and panic at everything, so Rainbow didn’t push too hard at the small ones. Eventually she calmed the princess down.

“I came for a super important reason!” said Dash as Twilight finally settled down. “Where’d that tennis ball go?”

“Is that the green ball you had?” Twilight levitated the object over to Dash. “What’s it for?”

“Memes!” shouted Rainbow as she jammed it on the tip of Twilight's horn. A mechanical whirl and a click later, and Dash was happily giving Twilight a peck on the check and an apology that she had to go but would be back later. Leaving Twilight with one undeniable truth and a smile.

Human were crazy.

Velvet wants grand babies

“Hey, Twilight!” Dash barged into the throne room with out waiting to be announced. “You’re mom’s mailing me porn spells again.”

Metal shoes hurt slightly more than a uncovered hoof when impacting ones own face. “Ugh. Mom!” Twilights ears folded back against her head and she felt her cheeks warm. She glanced away from Rainbow Dash, unable to meet her friends eyes. “Ever since Flurry Heart entered primary school, she’s been onto Shining and me about having grandfoals.”

Twilight could hear Rainbow’s frown. “She knows that you’re like, ninety-seven percent gay, right? And that we’re not married? Or even dating?”

“I think she’s just trying to hedge her bets and is sending letters to any creature I’ve ever told her I thought was cute.” Twilight nearly bit her tongue trying to stop those words, but it was too late. “Um, that is-“

Her gaze was drawn back to Rainbow. Who was smirking, no, outright leering at her. “So you think I’m cute?”

Twilight made several sounds, but none of them were words.

With a toss of her head, Rainbow let the letter fall to the floor. “I’m still not looking to date, but if you need to help get tying your mom off of your back…” Rainbow drew out the last word, and waggled her eyebrows at Twilight for some reason. “I’d totally help out with that.”

Twilight snorted and rolled her eyes. “Mom once delivered a scathing lecture about punctuality and the importance of a regular bedtime to a Celestia when I was fifteen minutes late getting home. Marched right up to the castle, waited in the petitioners line, and just let Celestia have it in the throne room, in front of everypony. I doubt she’ll be much intimidated by a Wonderbolt, no matter how incredibly awesome she is.”

“Seriously, Twilight?” Dash fixed her with a pointed glare.

“What?” What had she done?

Rainbow just kicked the letter closer to Twilight. “Your mom sends me a dick spell, I offer to help with your lack of foals problem, and you think my plan is to go yell at your mom?”

“Oh.” It took Twilight a moment to figure it out. She felt her entire face heat up. “Oh!”

“Well?” How was Rainbow so calm? How were her cheeks not the red hot balls of fire that Twilight’s were?

“Um. Yes.” Twilight tried to hide behind her mane, but it just waved away from her face. A wing would have to do. But from behind the safety of that wing, she said. “Yes. let’s— let’s go do that.”

Author's Note

Yeah it was posted a few weeks ago. But let’s store it here forever.