Friendship is Overrated

Chapters

Friendship is Overrated (Part 2)
Episode 3: The Sticky Master
Episode 4: Upchuck Season
Episode 5: Gimme a Crush Pop
Episode 6: Roast Munchers
Episode 7: Dragonshout
Episode 8: Observe Before You Rest
Episode 9: Badger Gassing
Episode 12: Troll of the Tootie
Episode 15: Spilling Pukie's Beans
Friendship is Overrated (Part 1)
Episode 11: Winter Rip-Off

Friendship is Overrated (Part 2)

Last time on My Little Pony: Friendship is Overrated:
We read some back story, established the main characters, and set up the plot for this half of the story. So now we’re all on the same page (pun intended).

My Little Pony: Friendship is Overrated

“Arrest her!” the mayor yelled.

“Magic Ninja Disappearing Act!” Dominatrix Moon screamed. She vanished in a puff of smoke, and the police officers fell clumsily in a heap where she had previously stood.

Bored of the festivities and still blissfully ignorant of the situation’s seriousness, Twilight Novel slipped away back to the library to find another copy of that romance novel she had mentioned to Dominatrix Moon. After several minutes of fruitless searching, she started looking for books instead of fruit, and she noticed several books missing from the nonfiction section. She tried looking for the book some more, but her curiosity got the better of her. She grabbed her lizard and wandered out to find what had happened to the missing books. She found her answer at the edge of town, where all the ponies she had met earlier were gathered. In front of them was an ominous entrance to a spooky forest.

“What are you losers doing here?” she asked.

“We’re going to find the Elements of Comedy so we can beat Dominatrix Moon,” Pukie Pie replied.

“They’re in the abandoned royal second home deep in the Forest of Doom,” Apple Peel added.

“You know, they say no one who enters the Forest of Doom ever comes out,” Brainbow Bash mentioned.

“Then what about those guys?” Apple Peel asked.

A short distance away, a small crowd of ponies strode out of the forest. The lead pony turned to the rest and said, “…and that concludes our tour of the Forest of Doom. If you have any questions, we have plenty of books and brochures in the gift shop. Don’t forget to drop by there on your way out!”

“All right, let’s go into the Forest of Doom. It’s not like I have anything better to do,” Twilight Novel sighed.

They began their journey into the forest. As they walked, they began to bicker about who the hunkiest stallion in Pokeyville was. Suddenly, the cliff edge they were standing on gave way, and they all began to fall. Pukie Pie and Rhapsidy were caught safely by Brainbow Bash and F**kershy. Apple Peel, however, managed to stay on the unbroken part of the ledge and managed to catch Twilight before she plummeted over the edge.

“Don’t let go!” Twilight screamed.

“I won’t! You can trust me!” Apple Peel replied. She strained to pull the unicorn to safety, until a thought occurred to her. “Hey, how are we holding on to each other without any fingers?” she asked.

With the suspension of disbelief shattered by logic, Twilight Novel began to fall. She started to scream, “F**K YOU, APPLE PEEEEeeeee…!”

(SPLAT!)

To her surprise, Twilight Novel landed safely on a huge pile of patties. “Thanks, Pukie,” she gasped as she climbed down. Moments later, Apple Peel landed on the pile as well. “Did you just dive off the cliff after me?” Twilight asked the orange pony.

“Yep!” she proclaimed proudly.

“You’re an idiot,” F**kershy said, and the others grumbled in agreement.

The group continued their journey into the Forest of Doom. They began to grow sleepy as Brainbow Bash started quoting trivia facts about the forest in an ironic attempt to stave off boredom. A loud roar jolted them awake, and they found themselves face-to-face with a monstrous creature.

“A manticore!” Twilight screamed.

The group readied themselves for battle, but F**kershy held up her hoof and calmly said, “Relax, guys. I got this.”

What the ponies saw next can never be unseen.

After the ponies had safely formed mental blocks around their memories of the manticore incident, they wandered even deeper in the forest. Suddenly, the moon disappeared behind some clouds, adding to the scariness of the area. Suddenly, they noticed every tree had the word “boo” spray-painted on it in glow-in-the-dark paint. The ponies had never been so terrified in their entire lives.

Fortunately, Pukie Pie started throwing patties at the trees, safely covering each piece of graffiti with a round piece of fake meat. “That’s better!” she said. “You know, this reminds me of a song my grandparents used to sing.”

[link]

“Hold it!” Rhapsidy yelled. The music immediately stopped with the sound of a needle scratching a record. “What does this have to do with anything?”

“Nothing. I just really like this song,” Pukie Pie replied.

After enduring over half an hour of Pukie Pie singing the same song over and over, the ponies arrived at the Bank of a River. There, they each withdrew $50 from their savings and used it to bribe Pukie into shutting up. After a few more minutes of walking, they came across an actual riverbank. They stood there for a few moments, trying to figure out what to do.

“Look, a bridge!” Twilight called out.

The ponies ran to the bridge and stopped. A group of fraternity stallions lay along the sides of the bridge, passed out from too much drinking. What little walking room remained was covered in their puke.

“Disgusting,” Brainbow Bash commented.

“Yeah, and it’s kinda gross, too,” Apple Peel added.

“Not to worry, girls. I’ve got it covered,” Rhapsidy said, producing a mop and bucket of water. Within moments, the bridge was sparkling clean, and the frat stallions were halfway to the hospital to get their stomachs pumped.

As they crossed, Twilight asked, “So, you just carry cleaning supplies with you wherever you go?”

“Of course! Who knows when you’re going to need them?” she replied.

“Uh… how?” Brainbow asked. “You’re naked. Where in the Fiery Death Corral do you keep them?!”

“In Twilight’s lizard,” Rhapsidy replied. Mike belched, as if in confirmation. Of course, everyone except Twilight Novel knew the timing was just a coincidence.

“Look, there it is! The royal summer cottage,” Twilight called as they approached the edge of a cliff. “Now we just need to cross the-” She stopped upon seeing the sign reading “Bride Out”. She growled in irritation as she turned to another sign. This sign was covered by a pony skeleton wearing a wedding dress. She pushed it aside to reveal the second sign’s text, “Bridge Out”.

“Now what are we gonna do?” Pukie Pie asked.

“I’ll go inspect the damage,” Brainbow Bash said. A fog rolled in as she trotted across the bridge. When she got about halfway across, she found that the rest of the bridge had disappeared. Suddenly, a trio of black pegasi appeared in front of her.

“Are you Brainbow Bash?” the middle one asked.

“Indeed, I am,” she replied.

“We’re from the mayor’s office,” the stranger announced. “She was so impressed by your legal skills, she’s appointed you to be a judge!”

“It’s my dream come true!” Brainbow squealed.

“Let’s go meet her,” the pegasus urged.

Brainbow Bash, however, immediately became suspicious. “Hold on,” she said. “Where’s all the paperwork? I’m supposed to see a signed document from the mayor declaring the appointment, an approval notice from the city council or citizen’s petition, and several triplicate forms for me to sign to make the appointment official.”

“Um… they’re back at the office,” another pegasus explained with apprehension.

“We just thought you’d like to go through the installation ceremony first,” a third one nervously added.

“Oh, that’s just a formality. If you were telling the truth, you’d have those forms with you,” Brainbow Bash scolded. “I should have you three arrested. Fortunately for you, I’m rather busy at the moment, so I suggest you be on your way.” As she pulled out her cell phone, the three pegasi wasted no time in fleeing the scene.

Brainbow placed a few calls to some friends in high places, and a team of army engineers arrived at the scene a few minutes later. They used their bridging equipment to erect a temporary structure over missing bridge section. After thanking the soldiers, the ponies resumed their journey.

“I don’t think this is legal,” Brainbow Bash complained as they entered the house.

“Don’t worry, I swiped a search warrant from the sheriff on my way to Pokeyville,” Twilight assured her.

“Look! Those must be the elements,” Apple Peel exclaimed. In front of her was a display labeled “Elements of Comedy”.

“I thought the book said there were six elements. I only see five,” Pukie Pie pointed out.

“Fine, I’ll check the book,” Twilight Novel groaned. She began to read, “When the five elements are together, a spark will cause the sixth to appear.”

“Well, go on then. Make some magic sparks,” Apple Peel urged.

“Do I have to?” Twilight moaned.

“YES!” everyone yelled.

Grumbling, Twilight turned to the elements, and her horn started to glow. “Come on, come on. Just appear already!” she said under her breath. The elements vibrated a little, but nothing really happened. “I don’t think it’s working,” she said. Mike, however, simply grabbed the elements with his tongue and ate them.

The six ponies gasped. “No! Bad dragon!” Twilight Novel scolded. The room was suddenly filled with evil laughter and dark smoke. Suddenly, the smoke vanished and Dominatrix Moon stood before them.

“Did you really think you were funny enough for the Elements of Comedy? You thought you’d just zap me with some magic and the episode would suddenly come to a happy ending?” she sneered. “Well, now all my subjects will feel what a real ‘happy ending’ is like!”

Suddenly, Mike started to gag. He threw up, and out came five pieces of jewelry, each of which flew over to a different pony. Twilight Novel gasped as she realized what they were. “You think the elements can be destroyed just like that? Well you’re wrong!

“Apple Peel, with her burnt pies and inconveniently-timed moment of wisdom, represents The Incompetent Fool!

“F**kershy, who did something so disgusting I’ll never remember it as long as I live, represents the spirit of Crude Humor!

“Pukie Pie, with her strange food obsession and questionable music tastes, represents the spirit of Randomness!

“Rhapsidy, who was unusually prepared for the mess on the bridge, represents Prop Humor!

“And Brainbow Bash, with her intelligence and level-headed no-nonsense attitude, represents The Straight Mare!”

“But you still don’t have the sixth element! The spark didn’t work!” Dominatrix Moon protested.

Twilight Novel countered, “But it did. You see, the elements require a different kind of spark… one that apparently has something to do with reptilian digestive fluids. I’m talking about the element of… Parody!”

As if on cue, Mike puked up one more piece of jewelry. The six ponies put on their Elements and started to glow. A voice could be heard yelling “IMMA FIRIN’ MAH LAZOR!!!” and the elements released a huge beam of light, striking Dominatrix Moon and tearing away her evil persona.

“Everyone all right?” Brainbow asked even as she herself could barely stand.

Everyone confirmed that they were unharmed, then began to notice that the gems on the jewelry bore a strong resemblance to their butt tattoos, with the exception of F**kershy and Twilight. The yellow pegasus’s gem, like her butt tattoo, was covered by a piece of black tape, while the unicorn’s didn’t have a jewel.

“I guess we really do represent the Elements of Comedy,” Apple Peel noted.

“About time you figured it out,” a new voice commented.

“Princess Trollestia!” the ponies gasped.

“You actually did it,” the monarch said to her pupil. “I just told you to go out and get some fresh air, and here you are saving the country. A much more productive use of your time than usual… Who are you and what have you done with Twilight Novel?”

Before Twilight could answer, the princess turned to where Dominatrix Moon had previously stood. In her place sat a smaller pony. Her appearance wasn’t that much different from her previous form, though her colors were lighter.

“Princess Molestia!” Trollestia addressed her. “It’s been a thousand years since I saw you like this. Let’s let bygones be bygones. Would you like to return to your throne, little sister?”

“Wait, she’s your sister?” Twilight asked.

“Of course she is!” Apple Peel replied.

“Didn’t you pick up on that?” F**kershy asked.

“The author got that the first time he saw the episode,” Brainbow Bash added. “In fact, it didn’t even occur to him that your canon counterpart hadn’t made that connection until he started writing this parody. He was quite confused by your surprise.”

“Author? Episode? Canon? What are you all talking about?!” Pukie Pie asked.

Returning to the princesses, Molestia wasn’t sure she wanted to return to the throne after everything that had happened. “I’m not sure I want to return to the throne after everything that has happened,” she told her sister.

Trollestia leaned in close and whispered in her ear, “Ponies’ standards are a lot lower these days.”

“I’m so sorry! I missed you big sister!” she cried, with a little more drama than was necessary.

“Hey, you know what this calls for?!” Pukie exclaimed.

“No patties!” everyone interjected.

“Aww…”

Back in Pokeyville, a celebration was being held to welcome the ponies’ new co-ruler. These ponies, in turn, noticed strange feelings on their backsides, as if their new leader was using her magic to cop a feel.

“Is something wrong, Twilight?” Trollestia asked her student.

“Nope, I’m ready to get out of this rat hole and back to my room in Cantaloupe!”

“Rat hole you say? Well in that case, I’m ordering you to stay here and study the magic of comedy. At the end of every episode, you have to write a moral that the episode teaches,” the princess decreed.

“NOOOOOOO!!!”

Episode 3: The Sticky Master

An orange earth pony and a purple unicorn walked along a dusty path, each of them carrying a cartful of apples. “Thanks a lot fer the help, Twi. It’s nice to finally get something done without bein’ yelled at.”

“Well, it’s not like I had anything better to do,” the unicorn replied. “Pukie got her greasy hooves on all the books, so I’m stuck out here while the library is being decontaminated. Does she ever wash those things?”

Suddenly, her OranBerry smartphone chimed, indicating a new message. She lit up her magic and pulled it out of her nonexistent pocket. Hitting “Check Message”, she began to read aloud: “‘Yo, Twi! This is the princess! As you know, Comic-Con is coming up soon and I really miss you here, so I sent you a special gift!’ Huh, I wonder what it is.” She hit “Print Attachment”, causing two pieces of paper to magically appear out the top of the device. Looking at them carefully, the two mares gasped.

“Are these…” Apple Peel asked.

“Free admission vouchers for Cantaloupe Comic-Con!” the mares exclaimed together.

Friendship is Overrated
Episode 3: The Sticky Master

"Cantaloupe Comic Con! I’ve always wanted to go there, but we could never afford it,” Apple Peel began. “It’s always ‘the roof needs fixed’, ‘the tractor needs parts’, ‘granny needs her heart medication’. With these tickets, I can finally get over there!”

“Aren’t you needed on the farm?” Twilight asked, eliciting a glare from the incompetent mare. “Right, dumb question. Sorry.”

“Ah, well. I s’pose I could bring some samples along, do some advertisin’ as an excuse to get outta the work they do make me do,” Apple Peel pondered. "I can hardly believe it. Why, I'd give my left hind leg to go there..."

Apple Peel looked back to Twilight, who was grinning excitedly and holding a scalpel and bone saw in her magic grip. The earth mare gave her an annoyed glare, and the unicorn teleported the instruments away with a mix of sheepishness and disappointment.

Regaining her composurte, Twilight began to speak: "Well, in that case, would you like the-” Suddenly, she was interrupted by a blue flash.

“What’s this I hear about Comic-Con tickets?” the pegasus asked in an uncharacteristically excited tone.

“Brainbow Bash, what are you doing here?!” the orange mare demanded. “Yer not here to give me another subpoena, are ya?”

“What? No! For your information, I have a court order to take my naps in your trees. I overheard you talking, and I say I want those tickets!”

“What for? You don’t seem like the type who would want to go to a comic convention,” Twilight asked.

“Are you kidding? That place is full of copyright infringements waiting to happen, and as a good lawyer, I plan to be there for whoever can afford me,” the pegasus boasted, but added sheepishly, “Besides, I’ve always had a thing for ponies in cosplay.”

“Now hold on! I asked first!” Apple Peel interjected.

“Then I challenge you to a round of paintball!” Brainbow Bash replied.

Twilight Novel decided to make herself scarce.

With her stomach growling, Twilight Novel decided it was time for lunch. As she passed Corn Syrup Corner, she caught the smell of Pukie’s cooking. She had to admit it smelled delicious… until that smell turned to smoke. She heard a smoke alarm go off and a fire extinguisher spraying. A moment later, Pukie flew out the door after a good swift kick from Mr. Bake. The pink pony crashed into the lavender one, though her lizard had the presence of mind to leap out of the way at just the right moment.

The vouchers floated down onto Pukie’s nose. Opening her eyes, she began to panic. “Scraps of paper?! HELP!! The Slenderpony’s going to get me!!!” Mike, however, simply grabbed the vouchers with his tongue and-

“Oh no you don’t!” Rhapsidy snapped, snatching the vouchers from the iguana’s grasp. “Here you go, Twilight. I believe you dropped… Are these Comic-Con tickets?!”

“Comic-Con tickets?! Where?!” Pukie asked, her irrational panic immediately forgotten.

“Yes,” Twilight grumbled. “I don’t know why the Princess sent two of them; I have no idea who I’d want to take with me.”

“I would love to go! I finally have enough vacation time to actually attend for myself instead of simply serving customers at the company booth all day,” the white unicorn suggested.

Pukie, meanwhile, was singing about why she wanted to go, though how her song was related to those reasons was something only she was aware of.

Suddenly, F**kershy cut in out of nowhere and added, “What about me? Most of those cosplayers have never even been with a girl. There’s bound to be a lot of desperate ponies with low standards for me to-”

“Hold it! This story is rated Teen, not Mature, remember?” Twilight reminded her.

“Right, sorry,” the yellow pegasus apologized.

Twilight turned to walk away, but found Apple Peel and Brainbow Bash blocking her path and grinning ear-to-ear. “Oh, crap,” she mumbled. Sure enough, the other five ponies immediately started arguing over who should get the vouchers. Finally, Twilight Novel had had enough, and yelled “SHUT UP!!!”

“…then I took an arrow in the- oh.” Pukie concluded.

“These are my vouchers, so I get to decide who gets them. If you five weren’t the other main characters of this story, I wouldn’t pick any of you!” she yelled before running off.

In a diner on the other side of town, Twilight grumbled while waiting for service. “****ing ponies,” she grumbled, “Now I know why Trollestia sent me these things.”

Suddenly, she heard a loud pop and a screeching sound. A blue blur whisked her out of the way just before a speeding automobile crashed through the diner. Looking up, she saw it was none other than Brainbow Bash. “I saved your life! You owe me now! One voucher should suffice.” Twilight looked out into the street and noticed a spike strip labeled “Property of Brainbow Bash”. She gave the pegasus a glare. “Um… that’s… not mine?”

Twilight Novel stormed out of the now-destroyed diner, wondering what an automobile was doing in Etceteria in the first place. Her musings were cut short, however, when Rhapsidy showed up with no explanation and kidnapped her.

“What are we doing here?!” Twilight demanded.

“Why, we’re having a shopping spree! All items half-off!” the white unicorn declared.

“No. I see what you’re doing. The author can’t think of a good joke for this scene, so he made sure I immediately figured out that you’re just trying to bribe me for the voucher,” the lavender unicorn stated before walking off.

After that, Twilight expected some sort of comedic twist to the effect of it turning out that it really wasn’t a bribe and that the store really was having a sale, but that wasn’t the case. Instead, Apple Peel showed up with a cart full of goodies.

“I heard y’all was lookin’ fer some lunch!” she announced. “Well, I got apple pie, apple fritters, apple tarts, apple dumplings, apple crisps, apple crumblers, apple cobbler… you name it, I got it!”

Twilight noted, however, that the orange mare had clearly baked all these treats herself. She immediately lost what little food she had left inside her (as well as her appetite), and ran off to her house.

“What? I thought y’all said you was hungry?” the mare asked, confused. Mike, however, simply grabbed the “treats” with his tongue and ate them.

Arriving at her library-house, she trotted in to find F**kershy cleaning the place up while humming loudly to herself. “Stop that right now!” Twilight shouted.

“What’s wrong with a little cleaning?” the pegasus asked.

“It’s not the cleaning, it’s the singing,” the unicorn snapped.

“What’s wrong with humming the MLP theme song?” she wondered.

“You’re humming the G3 theme song!” Twilight replied. Next time you watch the actual episode, pay attention to Fluttershy's humming. Now enough commentary; back to the story.

“The G3 theme song?!” Carrot Top exclaimed from outside. The other background ponies nearby began to gather around the tree. F**kershy dove out the window and fled as the angry mob ran her out of town.

Twilight sighed in disappointment. If she hadn’t been humming that song, the unicorn would have gladly given the voucher to the pegasus. This place really needed that cleaning- it was a dump. With another sigh, she started heading for the kitchen to make a sandwich, but was interrupted by a knock at the door. “What now?!” she groaned. She opened the door, only to be grabbed by Pukie Pie and the rest of the background characters who hadn’t joined the angry mob. They tossed her into the air repeatedly as they sang a song.

“PUUUUUKIIIIIEEEEE!” Twilight screamed, and the crowd dropped her to the ground.

“Yes,” the pink pony asked innocently.

“This is about the Comic-Con voucher, isn’t it?” Twilight asked, immediately regretting it as the rest of the ponies immediately figured out what was going on. They crowded around her offering various sums of money in exchange for the voucher. Twilight would normally have considered their offers, but for most creatures, the desire for air usually exceeds the desire for cash, and Twilight Novel was no exception. She burst through the crowd and ran through the town in an attempt to escape. As she squeezed out, however, she bumped her OranBerry, causing it to play a catchy remix of a famous song often used in comedic chase scenes. The sound of the music greatly hindered her attempts to hide from or evade the crowd. Finally, she found herself cornered in an alley. As Derpy offered her a muffin as a bribe, she pulled out her OranBerry, dialed a number, and screamed, “BEAM ME UP, SCOTTY!” She and her lizard were immediately enveloped in a bright light. When it faded, she was gone.

Meanwhile, back in her house, the same light was also fading, but this time, she was in it. “Thanks, Scotty,” she gasped.

“No problem,” Butterscotch Syrup replied.

Twilight immediately went about shutting off all the lights and locking all the doors and windows. She sighed in relief in the total darkness, as it had somehow transitioned from mid-afternoon to late at night in just those few seconds. She squealed in surprise as the lights came back on. Standing in the room were five familiar ponies. “How did you even get in here?!” she gasped.

“I have keys to every municipal building in Pokeyville,” Brainbow Bash replied.

“Look, we’ve been thinkin’,” Apple Peel began, “an’ we realized this musta’ been a setup by the princess fer trollin’ purposes.”

Rhapsidy continued, “We decided that we won’t give her the pleasure of causing distress.”

“So you won’t mind if I just send the vouchers back and say no one wanted them?” Twilight asked.

“That’s actually what we were going to suggest,” Pukie answered.

So Twilight magically inserted the vouchers back into her OranBerry and send them as an e-mail attachment. This email also included her first episodic life lesson.

Today’s Moral: If there isn’t enough to go around, it sucks to be the one to miss out. Also, Don’t Feed the Trolls.

“Now I can finally-” Twilight began, but was immediately interrupted by a chime from her phone. Checking it, she saw a reply to her message. She opened it up, and six tickets immediately materialized out the top of her phone. The message read: “U MAD?” followed by a trollface. Twilight groaned, but her mood soon improved when she heard Brainbow Bash ordering pizza. Her friends may be lame, but at least they pay their own tabs.

Episode 4: Upchuck Season

Big Windows and Apple Peel stood at the top of the tallest hill of the Generically-Named Apple Farm. “Well, looks like those apples are almost ready!” the young mare commented.

“Eeyup,” her brother replied. “You know what that means: all hooves aboard and no slacking off. That means you, too, Apple Peel.” The stallion turned to face his sister, but she was nowhere to be found.

“Ponyfeathers.”

Friendship is Overrated
Episode 4: Upchuck Season

The town’s denizens had gathered in front of a podium set up in front of the town hall. As they murmured amongst themselves, Twilight Novel trotted on stage. Clearing her throat, she began to speak into the microphone. “Attention! Quiet down, everyone. Let’s get this meeting started. Since I don’t want to be away from my reading any more than I have to, I present to you: the mayor.”

As Twilight left, the mayor trotted up in her place. She was a rather political-looking… You know what? Screw it. I don’t have any ideas on how to make fun of her appearance, so the mayor here looks just like she does in the show. If you don’t like it, you can just click that X on the upper-right corner of your screen. Now back to the story.

The politician began to speak: “Let’s see… Okay, first order of business is awards. I have the results for the Apple Peel betting pool right here.” She held up an envelope as an aide carried a bag of coins up to the stage. Opening the envelope, she read the contents, then resumed talking. “Well, this is a surprise. It seems somehow Apple Peel has managed to go an entire week without causing any injuries. That means she wins this week’s pool money!”

The orange mare cheered and rushed up to the stage. “Thank ya’ kindly, mayor!” she exclaimed on her way up. However, as she leaped past the last step, she landed on a weak board. The part under her hoof snapped, sending her hoof and that end of the board under the stage. The other end swung up, dislodging a nail and sending it flying straight towards the mayor’s face.

She began to scream, “My eye!” This was followed by a string of obscenities as her aide helped her to the hospital.

Twilight took the mayor’s place on the podium and took over the meeting. “Correction: make that one injury. That means this week’s pool actually goes to Pukie Pie.”

At the sound of her name, the mare hopped up on stage. She was riding a unicycle rigged so a siren would sound as she pedaled. She was juggling a set of fine china and balancing a family of skunks on her head. Without a word, she grabbed the money bag with her teeth and rode off to who-knows-where while everyone else covered their ears in pain from the wails of the siren.

“Okay, I’ll give everyone a moment to let their ears stop ringing, then we’ll move on,” Twilight said. The tone in her voice made it clear that she was not happy to be there.

Later that day, Twilight Novel spotted Apple Peel as she was heading to her library for some well-earned reading time. “Say, I’ve been hearing the apple harvest is going on right about now…” she mentioned as a conversation opener.

“Yeah, Big Windows and the rest of the family are busy gettin’ them apples ready fer market.”

“Shouldn’t you be helping?” Twilight asked.

“Hmm… nah,” was Apple Peel’s only reply. From the tone in the other mare’s voice, Twilight Novel couldn’t help but feel she was avoiding something. However, she also couldn’t help but feel it wasn’t her problem as she arrived at her destination.

As Apple Peel trotted through town looking for something to do, she heard a voice call her name. Curious, she headed over towards the sound. Upon arriving, she was greeted with the sight of an enormous cannon, manned by two pegasi.

“Ah, there you are,” Brainbow Bash sighed. “We could use a hoof. It’ll only take a moment.” Apple Peel followed her friend to the back of the cannon. The blue mare continued, “Derpy and I have a bet on which of us can glide the farthest after being shot out of this cannon, but she isn’t strong enough to fire it. You up to it?”

The mare didn’t need to be asked twice. After all, who doesn’t like firing an enormous cannon? Brainbow Bash fluttered to the end of the barrel and lowered herself inside. After a muffled confirmation that she was in position, Apple Peel lit the cord.

“What are you doing?!” Derpy gasped.

“Ah lit the fuse,” the earth pony replied.

“That’s not a fuse, it’s a pull rope! This is an air cannon!” the derpster cried.

“That would explain why the whole thing’s made of wood…”

Meanwhile, the fire had spread from the rope to the rest of the cannon. The sounds of a screaming blue lawyer could be heard from within. “APPLE PEEL, YOU ####### MORON! WHEN I GET OUT, I’M SUING YOUR FLANK FOR EVERY PENNY YOU OWN!!!”

The farm pony wisely decided to make herself scarce.

Twilight Novel groaned as a knock on the door interrupted her novel just as she had started first clop scene. Placing a bookmark in the book, she rose and answered the door. She was greeted with the sight of a formerly blue pegasus covered in ashes and her mane and feathers singed. “Got a first aid kit?” she asked.

After giving some assistance to her legal friend, Twilight Novel headed off to the Generically-Named Apple Farm to investigate the cause of this interruption.

After leaving the farm and returning to town, Twilight Novel spotted Apple Peel entering a dance club. She went in after her in an attempt to talk some sense into her.

The inside was dark, aside from some strobe lights, glow sticks, and other novelty lights. The music was incredibly loud; she could barely hear herself think, which is good because she was tired of listening to her brain rattling on about who-knows-what. Seriously, does that thing ever shut up? Sometimes, all it seems to want to do is talk.

Spotting her target, the unicorn made her way over to the mare. “Apple Peel, we need to talk!” she tried to shout over the noise.

“You wanna breed a hawk? Go ask F**kershy, she’s the one to talk to ‘bout breedin’!” the orange mare replied.

“No! I need to talk to you!” she tried again.

“You need to take a poo? Restroom’s right over there!” she answered, pointing towards a door.

“NO! I NEED TO TALK TO YOU!” the violet pony screamed.

“Oh, okay; what ya wanna talk about?” the apple mare asked.

“Your brother and sister are working themselves to the bone! They can’t do this on their own; they need your help!” Twilight yelled.

“Did you just call me a whelp?!” the earth pony mare demanded.

“HELP! YOU NEED TO HELP!!” Twilight screamed once more.

“No way, no how!” Apple Peel replied. “Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time fer lunch. If ya need me, I’ll be at Corn Syrup Corner!”

“Don’t worry, Mr. and Mrs. Bake; you can count on us!” Pukie Pie exclaimed. The couple were heading out for dinner at a fancy restaurant, leaving the pink and orange mares alone to watch the shop.

“Okay, just don’t burn the place down or anything,” Mr. Bake chuckled as he trotted out the door.

“YOU BURNT THE PLACE DOWN?!” Mr. Cake screamed. Behind Pukie stood the blazing structure formerly known as Corn Syrup Corner. In front of her stood the now-imposing stature that is known as Mr. Bake. His wife, standing behind him, was equally intimidating.

“B-but it wasn’t my fault! Apple Peel tried to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich while I was in the little fillies’ room!” the pink mare protested.

“Don’t give me tha- actually, that does make sense, knowing her. All right, Pukie, you’re forgiven,” the yellow stallion stated.

“Apple Peel, you wouldn’t have anything to do with Corn Syrup Corner burning down just as I was about to grab a snack, would you?” Twilight Novel asked.

The two mares were in the library. The unicorn had walked in to find the other mare sitting at the computer and watching YouPipe videos. “Nope,” she lied.

“Apple Peel, you know how much trouble you get into when you’ve got nothing to do,” the purple mare sighed. “Why don’t you go check up on your family,” she suggested, “They probably have most of the hard stuff done by now.”

The orange mare had put on headphones, drowning out the unicorn’s words. She growled in frustration and returned to her book.

About an hour later, Apple Peel grew bored of the videos and began to feel “frisky”, if you know what I mean. It’s a commonly-known fact that all mares in Etceteria are bisexual and STDs are a myth, so she had no qualms about heading over to F**kershy’s place to ask for some relief.

When she arrived at her destination, she found the yellow pegasus tending to some rabbits. “Hey, ‘Shy, whatcha doin’?” she asked.

“Breeding rabbits,” the yellow pony replied. “It’s mating season, and I have to make sure only the best traits are passed on to the offspring.”

“I didn’t realize you were into genetics,” the farm pony said.

“It has something to do with breeding; of course I know about it,” the other mare grumbled. “What do you want?”

“Same thing every pony wants when they stop by your place,” Apple Peel answered.

“Well, it’ll have to wait until I’m finished here,” F**kershy said. With a sigh, Apple Peel leaned up against a wall.

It wasn’t a wall. It was a stack of bunny kennels. The stack fell over into another stack, sending them to the ground like dominoes. Breaking open, they released the bunnies contained within. With a loud cry, they all donned black leather vests and hard helmets, then they hopped onto bunny-sized motorcycles and sped off towards town.

“…That was unexpected,” the orange mare said. F**kershy shot her an angry look.

It was getting late in the afternoon, and it was time for Apple Peel to head home for the night. F**kershy had been too angry to accommodate her, so she was still feeling funny down there. As she trotted up to the farmhouse, she was greeted with quite a sight. An ambulance was situated out front while the paramedics ware tending to Big Windows. “Big W, what the hay happened?”

“I sprained mahself from workin’ too hard,” the stallion replied angrily.

Twilight Novel approached from behind with Apple Peel’s sister on her back. “I brought Ayefone back, She has detention all week because she fell asleep in class,” the unicorn said.

“Because she was workin’ too hard,” Big Windows added. “Neither of us are in any shape to work the fields. Now you have to finish all by yourself. That leaves you with more than half the acres to havest on your own. If you don’t get it done, Pokeyville starves.”

The orange mare fainted.

Today’s Moral: If you avoid your responsibilities, they will hunt you down and bite you in the flank.

Twilight novel started heading home, desperate to finish that clop scene in her novel. But a feeling emerged in the back of her mind. “Crap, I’m gonna have to do the right thing, aren’t I?” she muttered to herself as she made a mental note to gather her friends in the morning so they could help the distressed lazy orange mare.

Episode 5: Gimme a Crush Pop

The reader’s view casually zoomed in on a scene that wasn’t too different from the one in the show. Pukie Pie was blabbering on about nothing in particular, while Twilight Novel read a book and pretended to listen.

Suddenly, a blue streak flew by, and Pukie ran off in pursuit, much to Twilight’s relief. “Brainbow! Hey, Brainbow Bash!” she yelled.

“Not now, Pukie Pie. I’m very busy!” the pegasus groaned.

“But Brainbow-” the pink mare started to say.

“But nothing! I told you I’m-” She interrupted, but was herself interrupted by a strange event. One of the author’s old OCs from the franchise he followed before getting into ponies appeared from a random portal and landed on Brainbow’s back. He was a green bipedal robot-like thing. He was slightly shorter than an average pony and wore a strange mask for a face.

“Beep beep! I’m a race car driver!” he yelled. Looking down, he noted, “Is that the ground? Wow, this car is really tall! Vroom vroom!” Brainbow Bash plummeted to the ground under the extra weight. As she landed, another portal opened up in front of her. The strange being tumbled off the mare due to his momentum and fell into the portal, hopefully sending him back to where he came from.

Pukie Pie trotted up to the groaning pegasus, a grin splashed across her face. “I was gonna tell you to watch out for that moron!” she said with a smile. Brainbow Bash’s only response was an annoyed groan.

Friendship is Overrated
Episode 5: Gimme a Crush Pop

Brainbow Bash snoozed peacefully in her court-designated location of Apple Tree #326871. What wonderful dreams she was having… Nothing could spoil this beautiful-

“Hi, Brainbow Bash!” a voice called out from below her. Recognizing it, the pegasus flew away as fast as she could to hide from Pukie Pie. However, no matter where she hid, Brainbow could not evade the pink pony. Finally, she had the blue pegasus cornered. “What do you want?” she asked with a sigh of resignation.

“Take a look at this!” Pukie exclaimed, giving the legal mare a piece of paper.

After reading it aloud, Brainbow said, “It’s a court order stating I have to ‘have fun’ with you today. It’s legitimate…”

“I have so many things planned for today! This is gonna be so fun!” Pukie gushed.

The two ponies were positioned just outside the Town Archives. Brainbow Bash was in the air holding a storm cloud. Pukie peered inside through a window, revealing Twilight Novel’s background pony roomie and stand-in for Spike the dragon, Butterscotch Syrup (a.k.a. “Scotty”), downloading several files to her OranBerry. Humming to herself, she trotted towards the door.

Pukie gave the signal. Brainbow Bash kicked the cloud, lighting up the area with lightning and sending forth a loud explosion of thunder. Scotty gasped, accidentally tapping a button on her phone in surprise. “Oh no!” she gasped, “I just e-mailed Twilight’s entire collection of clopfics to Princess Trollestia!”

Up in Cantaloupe, the Princess answered the beep on her phone. Ah, these would be good for some nice blackmail, she thought.

Back in Pokeyville, Scotty was angrily chasing Pukie around in a circle. Brainbow kicked the cloud again, causing the background pony to drop her phone. It hit the ground with a beep, signaling another sent message. Picking it up and looking at the screen, Scotty gasped in horror. “Oh no! My program for getting back at Twilight for skimping on the rent!”

Back at the castle, Trollestia had just finished saving the clopfics when her phone beeped again. Princess Trollestia opened the file. Immediately, her phone flashed a warning: “Virus detected!”

Her phone immediately caught fire, setting off the fire sprinklers and dousing a now-irritated princess.

Leaving the background pony to her fate, the pranking duo moved on to another victim. “You were right, Pukie. I did need this,” Brainbow admitted. They arrived at the store where Rhapsidy worked.

“All right, listen up,” the white unicorn addressed the new employee at the counter. “I’m going to make a stop in the little fillies’ room. Do try to keep on task while I’m gone.” The mare behind the cash register nodded, but as soon as Rhapsidy was out of sight, she plopped down into a chair and started to snooze.

Five minutes later, Rhapsidy came out of the restroom and was greeted by a chaotic sight. All the merchandise had been removed from the shelves and was strewn about on the floor. All the clothing had been removed from the racks and was hanging from the ceiling. The new employee was sound asleep, oblivious to it all. Needless to say, she wouldn’t be coming back the next morning.

Twilight Novel levitated a book out of its place on the shelf with her magic. She opened it up and was immediately sent flying by a punch in the face with a spring-loaded boxing glove.

Apple Peel was exhausted. With her two siblings unavailable, she had to harvest all the apple trees by herself. She pulled a cartful of apples into the barn and dumped them into shipping crates. She walked outside to load some more baskets into the cart, but found they were empty. Looking around, she saw that all the apples had somehow been painstakingly tied back on to the trees she had just removed them from.

A fake turtle floated across a pond towards a sunbathing yellow pegasus mare. On the other side, two other mares were chuckling. “Who are we pranking next?” Pukie whispered.

“F**kershy,” Brainbow replied. “There’s a fire extinguisher hidden in that turtle, and we’re going to douse her with foam.”

Pukie spit out the trigger pull cord she had been holding. “No! We can’t prank F**kershy; she can’t take a joke. She’ll shove things up our butts!” the pink pony gasped.

“She will not,” the blue pegasus scoffed.

“I’ve seen her do it!” the earth pony cried softly. “Haven’t you ever wondered why Derpy’s eyes are so googly all the time?”

“…Fine; I guess it’s getting late anyway,” Brainbow conceded. “See ya tomorrow, Pukie.”

On the other side of the pond, a gray streak dove in and crashed into the fake turtle, setting it off and dousing F**kershy with white foam. “Bend over, Derpy,” she growled.

“Not again!” the gray pegasus groaned.

The next morning, Pukie Pie trotted along the path to Brainbow Bash’s flying house, a Guy Fawkes mask adorning her face. Upon arriving, she began to yell, “Brainbow Bash! Wake up! It’s time to spread anarchy through-”

Her words were interrupted when the door opened and a strange-looking creature peered out. It flew out the door and onto the ground in front of her, followed closely by Brainbow Bash. “Hey, Pukie,” Bash greeted, and then turned to her friend. “This is Pukie Pie, the pony I told you about.” She then turned back to the pink pony. “Pukie, this is Glinda. She’s a griffon, and an old colleague of mine from college.”

“What’s a griffon?” Pukie asked.

“She’s half lion, half eagle,” the pegasus replied.

Pukie tried to imagine an eagle and a lion getting “intimate” together, but she just couldn’t do it. “How does that even work?” she asked. “I mean, how could her parents even do it?”

“Very carefully,” the griffon replied.

“Since that court order’s finished, I’m going to have some meetings with Glinda,” Brainbow Bash stated as the two flew off to a cloud on the other side of town.

After getting comfortable, Glinda and Brainbow opened their briefcases and made sure their paperwork was in order. “Okay, first off, we-“ Brainbow began, but was interrupted by a pink face appearing through the cloud.

“Hi again!” Pukie exclaimed, before disappearing below the cloud. Appearing again, she asked, “Are you done yet?” She then disappeared again, only to pop up again a moment later. “Are you done yet?” “Are you done yet?” “Are you done yet?” “Are you done yet?” “Are you done yet?” “Are you done yet?” “Are you done yet?” “Are you done yet?”

Noticing the trampoline beneath them, the two magical creatures groaned, repacked their cases, and flew up to another cloud.

“Okay now that that’s out of the wa-“ Glinda began but once again, a pink face appeared nearby, this time sitting in a hot air balloon.

“Are you done yet?” “Are you done yet?” “Are you done yet?” “Are you done yet?” “Are you done yet?” “Are you done yet?” “Are you done yet?” “Are you done yet?” “Are you done yet?” “Are you done yet?”

They raced to Twilight Novel’s library and bribed her to teleport them to another planet. As they sat down again, a strange being approached them. It was a green, bug-eyed creature with four leg-like tentacles whose face somehow resembled that of a certain pink pony.

“Era uoy enod tey?” “Era uoy enod tey?” “Era uoy enod tey?” “Era uoy enod tey?” “Era uoy enod tey?” “Era uoy enod tey?” “Era uoy enod tey?” “Era uoy enod tey?” “Era uoy enod tey?” “Era uoy enod tey?”

Twilight Novel, who had gone along to bring them back when they were done, charged her horn and sent them to another world. This world was rather cold and mountainous, at least as far as they could see.

As they once again began setting up their meeting, a strange, nearly-hairless ape-like creature strode up to them. He was wearing some sort of crude metal armor, complete with a horned helmet. He took a deep breath and…

“FUS ROH DAH!”

Their briefcases, paperwork, and supplies went flying over the horizon. The gust also messed up their hair (or feathers, in Glinda’s case). “Postpone the meeting?” Glinda asked.

“Postpone the meeting,” Brainbow Bash sighed in confirmation. Twilight Novel’s horn glowed, and the trio found themselves back in the library. Just as they reappeared, Bash’s watch started beeping. “Oh! I’ve got to meet with a client. Why don’t you take a walk around Pokeyville? See the sights,” Brainbow suggested.

“You know, I think I just might,” Glinda said.

About an hour later, Glinda strode up to a food stand. As she perused its wares, an elderly green mare walked up next to her, also trying to make a purchase. She looked up at the griffon to say hello. She had forgotten to wear her glasses, however, so all she could see of the other creature’s face was a white blur. I think we all know what we think of when we see something with a white faceless head. “It’s the Slenderpony! RUN!” the mare screamed before fleeing as fast as she could (which, admittedly, was not very fast).

“Okaaaaay…” Glinda said, unsure what to think of the mare’s behavior. She shrugged, deciding the old mare must’ve just been senile. She picked out an apple and paid for it. She walked away, munching on the fruit as she went along.

A few minutes later, she spotted a familiar yellow pegasus. “Hey, professor!” she greeted. “You still teachin’ at Clumpsdale U?”

F**kershy groaned and snapped, “Glinda, you idiot! The author didn’t want to reveal any parts of my secret past for another few chapters!”

“Oops, sorry,” the griffon said sheepishly. The yellow mare simply stomped off in a huff.

Pukie Pie, who had been spying on Glinda since she returned from that alien world, saw her dejected expression, and decided she needed some cheering up, Pukie Pie style.

Half an hour later, Glinda strode into Corn Syrup Corner to grab a pastry. With a sigh, she opened the door an-

(SPLAT!)

Peeling the patty off her face, Glinda glared at the pink pony in front of her. “What was that for?!” she demanded.

“I noticed you looked sad, so I decided to throw a huge patty to cheer you up!” Pukie answered.

“Well, I appreciate the thought, but I believe the expression is-”

(SPLAT!)

The griffon’s words were interrupted by another patty to the face. She peeled that one off, but then started to scream as an incredible pain seared her eyes.

“You like that one? I made it using lots of lemon juice!” the mare exclaimed.

Still screaming, Glinda raced out the door and out of this fanfic. Brainbow Bash, having just arrived at the shop as well, stared at her old friend retreating into the distance. “Well… that wasn’t the ending I was expecting.”

Today’s Moral: Pukie Pie is an idiot.

Up in Cantaloupe, Princess Trollestia had finally just finished drying off when she heard a familiar ringtone, indicating the latest moral had just come in. She opened up the file, and started to rea-

“Virus detected!” a message flashed on the screen, before her new phone burst into flame, setting off the fire sprinklers and once again dousing the now-very-irritated princess.

Episode 6: Roast Munchers

“Come on, Twilight! You can do it,” Butterscotch Syrup encouraged. Twilight Novel was practicing spells that she had seen characters cast inside her book. Right now, she was focusing intently, her horn pointed at her lizard, Mike.

Her horn flashed, causing a dress to appear around the lizard. Not just any dress, mind you. The frilliest, most ridiculously adorable dress ever conceived by ponykind. “Awww… he’s so CUUUUUTE!” the two ponies gushed. Mike, however, simply blinked in obvious annoyance. He wanted to simply grab it with his tongue and eat it, but he knew from past experience that magically-conjured dresses tasted like crap. Literally.

Friendship is Overrated
Episode 6: Roast Munchers

As the two ponies and one lizard strolled through town, Scotty was gushing with praise for the purple unicorn. “Who knows? If you were to actually apply yourself, you could even be a match for one of the princesses!”

“Why would I want to do that? If I were to take them on, I’d have to take their place on the throne afterward, and then I wouldn’t have any time for reading!” Twilight argued.

“But you wouldn’t be trolled as much anymore!” Scotty countered.

The purple unicorn was about to reply, but she was bowled over by the village idiots: two unicorn colts named Sticks and Stones. “What is the matter with you two?!” Twilight demanded.

“We’re gonna see the new arrival in Pokeyville!” Stones replied.

“Yeah! They say she’s the best ever!” Sticks added. The two of them ran off again.

“Well, might as well see what all of the ruckus is about,” Twilight sighed as she and her companions headed off in the direction the two colts were headed.

Upon arriving in the town square, they saw a movie star's trailer with a makeshift stage attached sitting in the center of town amid a huge crowd of ponies. Twilight and Scotty made their way to the center of the commotion, where the other five main character ponies were waiting.

“Okay, what’s going on here?” Twilight asked. The other ponies shrugged.

Suddenly, a voice called out. “Ponies of Pokeyville, the time has arrived! Behold the Wonderful and Amazing Mary Sue!”

A puff of smoke enveloped the stage. When it cleared, the stage was occupied by a black alicorn mare with a red mane. “Yes, it is I, the world-famous Mary Sue, here to share the stories of my exploits to all who are willing to listen!”

And so she began her story. “When I was a filly, I was casting spells before most ponies could even read. And so, my parents enrolled me in Trollestia’s School for Super Unicorns. After I accidentally turned my dragon egg into an adult, Trollestia was so impressed, she took me on as a second student.”

“Hold on! I thought Twilight Novel was her only student!” Brainbow protested.

“Oh, Twilight Novel is here? The princess always spoke very highly of her. I’ve always wanted to meet her!” the pony on stage gushed. Twilight narrowed her eyes in suspicion. She knew Princess Trollestia, and she would never speak highly of anypony, especially her student.

“It was I who defeated Chunk Norless at the Battle of Wazoo! It was I who banished the evil Elephant Ninjas from the city of Hammertiem! I hereby challenge anypony here to a game or contest of their choosing!” the alicorn bragged.

Apple Peel was the first to take her up on her offer. She climbed on stage with a portable game console. “How’s about a battle?” Apple Peel offered. “Mah best team against yours.”

“Man, you got STOMPED!” Brainbow Bash laughed. The other ponies were rolling on the ground laughing as well.

“She had five Lugias and a Mewtwo when I specifically said ‘no legendaries’! How the hay am I supposed to compete with that?!” the orange mare protested. “If y’all think that’s funny, maybe you should try it.”

“I think I will,” Brainbow Bash said, having regained her composure. As she approached the stage, she began calculating her arguments for the verbal debate she was about to experience.

As the blubbering emotional meltdown formerly known as Brainbow Bash was carried off stage, Rhapsidy was just climbing on. “I challenge you to a sales pitch contest! Whoever sells the most wins!”

Rhapsidy cleared her throat and began her pitch. “New from Etcetarian Kitchen Accessories, Inc., I present to you: the Kitchenizer 4000! It chops, it strains, it even-”

“Every pony who buys from me gets a free cupcake!” the alicorn interrupted. The entire crowd rushed towards the stranger as she passed out kitchen accessories and pastries to every pony.

Next up was Twilight Novel, but she had become bored and wandered off quite some time ago, so we don’t get to see what she would have done. Besides, it probably would have been a speed read competition or a trivia contest or something equally unexciting to watch.

After the show, Mary Sue sat in front of a mirror admiring herself. She noticed a pair of colts approaching her. It was Sticks and Stones, and they were carrying a gift for her: a McPatty’s Joy Meal, pretty much the only thing their meager little minds could think of. “Look what we got you!” Stones exclaimed.

“It’s a Joy Meal! They say the fastest way to a mare’s heart is through her stomach!” Sticks added.

“Actually, that’s what mares say about stallions,” she corrected, “something you two are not old enough to be.” With that, she took the food from them. “I’m not fond of fast food, but nopony can pass up a free meal.” She looked inside and asked, “What, no prize?”

“It was a G3 My Little Ape,” Sticks said.

“Wow, they still make those? I thought that ‘Alliances are Magic’ line was all the rage these days,” she shrugged.

“Are you going to tell us how you banished the Elephant Ninjas now?” Stones asked.

“Oh, I can’t do that. That spell is an ancient Sue Family secret,” she replied. The two colts wandered off in disappointment.

After walking about half a block, they crossed paths with another pony. “What are you two up to?” Scotty asked.

“We’re trying to think of a way to get Mary Sue to tell us how she defeated Chunk Norless and the elephant ninjas!” Sticks exclaimed.

“She’s amazing!” Stones added.

“You guys are idiots. I, for one, will believe that when I see it and not a moment sooner,” the older pony stated. As she wandered off, she had no idea that she had just given the two idiots an idea- one they were too stupid to not try.

A few minutes later, Scotty arrived back at the library to find Twilight Novel sitting in front of the TV playing video games. “Why’d you wander off?” she asked the purple unicorn. “You could have beaten her!”

“No, I couldn’t,” Twilight replied. “Mary Sues are, by definition, unbeatable; that goes double for when she’s up against main characters.”

“You could have at least tried,” the background pony argued. At that, Twilight Novel pressed a button. It was at that moment that Scotty realized she was standing on her teleportation platform. “Oh, ponyfeathers.”

Scotty rematerialized on the outskirts of town, near the edge of the Forest of Doom. She sighed and began the long walk back home. Suddenly, she heard a commotion behind her. Sticks and Stones ran out of the Forest of Doom as the ground began to shake. As she ran alongside them, she demanded to know what was happening.

“You said you would believe Mary Sue if you saw her banish the Elephant Ninjas!” Sticks gasped as he kept on running.

“…Please tell me you didn’t,” Scotty pleaded. Just then, a group of elephant ninjas burst out of the forest behind them.

“We did!” Stones repled.

As Scotty headed for the library, Sticks and Stones pounded on the door to Mary Sue’s trailer. “What is all the racket?!” she screamed from behind the door.

“It’s time to show us how wonderful and amazing you are!” Sticks yelled back. Suddenly, a ninja leaped onto the trailer’s roof, crushing it in half.

“You guys are idiots!” the alicorn exclaimed.

“We know! Just stop the ninjas!” Stones replied.

Looking around, Mary Sue grabbed a chain and bound one ninja’s legs together with it. That particular ninja, however, was also a cyborg and cut the chain with a laser saw hidden in its leg. “Oh, come on!” Mary Sue groaned.

She tried again. She again used her magic, this time grabbing some conveniently-located high-voltage power lines that no one (including the show’s artists) had noticed before and would likely never notice again. She tried using them to electrocute a ninja, but the cyborg pushed its ally out of the way and sucked all the power out of the cables, recharging its power supply.

Scotty burst into the library. “Twilight! Come quickly!” she gasped as she grabbed the unicorn and pulled her outside. Twilight Novel beheld the destruction before her. “Do something!” her roommate urged.

Twilight Novel thought for a moment, and then thought back to her video game. This gave her an idea. With a burst of magic, she pulled the equipment carried by the video game’s character out of the screen and into reality and her waiting hooves.

“…Tell me that’s not the BFG 9000 from Doom 12,” Scotty whimpered.

“SAY HELLO TO MAH LITTLE FRIEND!” Twilight screamed as she unleashed the power of the weapon on the unsuspecting ninjas, who were completely obliterated by the blasts. Fortunately, she had used her magic to turn off the friendly fire setting, so no ponies or their pets were affected. Blowing the smoke off the end of the barrel, she finished by stating an applicable catchphrase.

The ponies of Pokeyville gathered in the town square as Twilight Novel approached Mary Sue. “So much for banishing the elephant ninjas,” she mocked. She picked up a bucket of water with her magic and dumped it on the alicorn. Her black and red colors washed away, revealing a blue coat and a pale blue mane. The pony’s butt tattoo was a magic wand. She didn’t look too much different from her canon counterpart. “I knew it! You’re a fake!” Twilight declared. “I knew Trollestia wouldn’t talk nice about me. Your ‘wings’ haven’t moved at all since you showed up; they’re made of felt and PVC pipe. I bet you never even went to the unicorn academy!”

“Okay, it’s all true! I’m a fake!” the “alicorn” admitted in tears. “Um, except for that last part. I really did graduate from Trollestia’s School for Super Unicorns!” The purple unicorn glared at her. “…with the lowest passing grade,” the blue pony added reluctantly. Sadly, she trotted out of town.

Twilight turned to the colts. “Now that that’s taken care of, it’s time to make sure these two learn their lesson,” she stated. “Since it’s your fault the elephant ninjas showed up, you two get to help clean up all the damage,” she said as she motioned to the destroyed buildings.

“But most of it you caused!” Sticks protested.

“You turned off friendly fire, but not terrain damage,” Stones added.

“And for talking back to your elders, I think you two need a taste of something special,” Scotty interjected, winking at Twilight. With a nod and a smile, Twilight charged up her horn. The area lit up in a flash.

Sticks and Stones looked down at themselves and squealed in embarrassment. It was the adorable dress spell Twilight had been practicing at the start of the episode. “Now you two have to wear these as you work!” Twilight declared.

Today’s Moral: No one likes Mary Sues, be they real or fake.

The horned pony shook off the water as she sent the message to her teacher. A bath had been just what she needed to loosen up her stiff joints. She heard her phone beep as she received a reply.

A great lesson to have learned, my student. You can come home, now, Mary.

Your teacher,
Princess Trollestia

Mary Sue smiled, and, flexing her wings, she took off into the night sky towards the gleaming capital in the distance.

Episode 7: Dragonshout

As the new day dawned, F**kershy yawned and rolled out of bed. She shambled downstairs and out the door, where she fed the animal freeloaders that tended to gather around her house. She would often put just enough food for half of them, and then watch as they fought over every scrap. Today, however, she just didn’t feel like it. She’d had a long night last night; her customer had liked it particularly rough. She grabbed an egg from the coop and started making breakfast and coffee. While she was doing this, the aforementioned customer came downstairs and trotted up to the window.

“Why’s it so dark outside?” he asked.

“Because your BDSM collar is on too tight again,” F**kershy replied with a roll of her eyes.

“Oh, right,” he chuckled as he removed the collar. Looking out again, he commented, “Huh, that still didn’t help much.”

F**kershy turned her head to look out the window, where she saw an enormous cloud of smoke filling the sky. “Looks like Trollestia’s celebrating Prisoner Execution Day early this year,” F**kershy sighed.

Friendship is Overrated
Episode 7: Dragonshout

As F**kershy wandered into town, she took note of all the ponies wandering around. She saw Derpy trying to fly by. To her left, she saw Lima Bean sitting upside-down, while her friend Bun Bun sat normally, trying to pretend she didn’t notice. F**kershy noticed one thing in common about all the ponies: none of them noticed the giant cloud of smoke.

Suddenly, a loudspeaker whined as it was activated. The pony holding it was the town librarian, Twilight Novel. “Attention! As far as I can tell, none of you are observant enough to notice the giant cloud of smoke above you,” she began. She gave the ponies a moment to murmur among themselves, and then resumed, “As you all know, the Execution Day celebration isn’t until Friday. That means it’s coming from somewhere else. My sources say it’s a dragon. The princess wants me to bring some ‘volunteers’ to help get rid of it. Any takers?” Not surprisingly, no one raised a hoof.

“Alright then; in that case, the main characters have to go. Man, I’d hate to be those guys,” she finally said. Give her a moment for her words to sink in…

“…Hey, wait a second… oh, ponyfeathers…”

“What’s a full-grown dragon doin’ ‘round these parts, anyway?” Apple Peel asked.

“I’ll tell you what it’s not doing: paying rent,” Twilight replied. “That thing’s two months late on its payment, and we think this smoke thing is a giant ‘f**k you’ to the princess. Our job will be to kick its freeloading flank out.

“This is going to be a long trip, so we need to prepare,” she continued, “Apple Peel, Pukie Pie, you’re in charge of the food. Do NOT bring anything you made yourselves. Rhapsidy, you get the camping supplies. Brainbow Bash, you get the eviction notice ready. F**kershy, you… do whatever it is you do. Let’s all meet up after lunch.”

“Are we sure this is a good idea?” F**kershy asked. She was uncharacteristically nervous about the whole idea.

After lunch, the six gathered at the edge of Pokeyville. “Everyone ready?” Twilight Novel asked.

“I was thinking… maybe I should stay behind,” F**kershy suggested.

“But we might need you to seduce him to convince him to leave,” Twilight protested.

“But I… think I’m going into heat soon! Yes, that’s it. You know it comes on more often than the rest of you. With those mood swings, I’d be a terrible travel companion!” the pegasus said with just a hint of desperation in her voice.

“Don’t give me that, F**kershy. We all know your heat isn’t until next week,” the unicorn retorted.

“And how would you know about my bodily functions?” the pegasus argued.

Twilight Novel rolled her eyes as a flashback began.

(FLASHBACK)

After an intense game, the Pokeyville hoofball team was relaxing in the locker room. The stallions were joking and laughing about the events of the game. Suddenly, the door burst open, revealing a haggard-looking F**kershy standing in the entrance, panting and wild-eyed.

Then she began to scream. “You’re… going… to F**K ME!!!”

(END FLASHBACK)

“Trust me; we can tell,” was all she said in response. She pulled out her GPS and turned to the others. “All right, let’s go!”

They headed off towards the dragon’s mountain lair, dragging F**kershy kicking and screaming along with them.

As the ponies arrived at the base of the mountain, they paused to apply the mountain-climbing adhesive gel Rhapsidy brought along (because ponies can’t climb mountains).

“Hey, where’s F**kershy?” Twilight asked.

They looked behind them to see a yellow pony running back towards Pokeyville. Thinking quickly, Apple Peel pulled a rope out of her bag, twirled it over her head, and tossed it at the retreating mare. It looped around her legs and sent her sprawling to the ground. The five ponies stared at the scene, jaws agape.

“Did… did Apple Peel just…” Brainbow finally tried to say.

“Woo hoo! Ah finally did somethin’ right for a change!” Apple Peel cheered.

And so they continued up the mountain, with the orange earth pony dragging the perverted pegasus behind her. It was the first time F**kershy had ever been tied up without enjoying it.

With the extra load, Apple Peel eventually fell behind, forcing the others to stop and wait for them. As they waited, Pukie Pie beat Rhapsidy at ‘Paper, Rock, Scissors’ over thirty times in a row. Considering they don’t have fingers, that is quite a feat indeed. When the two finally caught up, they decided they couldn’t afford any more delays. They untied F**kershy’s legs so she could walk, though her wings remained bound.

After another twenty minutes, they came across a chasm with a rope bridge stretched across its span. An elderly stallion stood in front of it, barring their passage. “Stop!” he exclaimed. “Who approacheth the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ‘ere the other side ye see.”

“What happens if we get a question wrong?” Brainbow Bash asked.

“Then a strange creature that is half rat, half cricket with the face of a pony will come to you and take you to the place where all points converge. You will wake up at one in the afternoon tomorrow in your attic with no real recollection of how you got there,” the old stranger replied.

Desperate to escape this mission, F**kershy immediately made the most incorrect declaration she could think of: “I am not a slut!” Sure enough, a strange creature that was half rat, half cricket with the face of a pony came to her and tried to take her to the place where all points converge. However, Pukie Pie broke out one of her random musical numbers, which caused the creature and the elderly stallion to jump off the edge of the cliff just to escape her singing. With the path clear, the six ponies crossed the bridge in silence, being extra careful not to ask any questions, at least until they were across safely.

“I can’t believe you, F**kershy,” Twilight Novel groaned. “You’d really stoop that low just to get out of this?”

“Yes, I would,” she replied, before adding, “And that’s not my name. Why do you keep calling me F**kershy?”

“Because the author’s obsessive compulsiveness doesn’t allow him to use strong language,” Rhapsidy replied.

“Strong language? What’s wrong with my name?” the yellow pegasus demanded.

“Think about it. How do you spell your name?” Brainbow said.

F**kershy replied, “F-U-… Huh, I’ve never noticed that before.”

“Again with this ‘author’ stuff? Why can’t you all make any sense?!” Pukie Pie groaned.

Soon after that little discussion, they found themselves in front of a warning sign: ‘Danger: Avalanche Zone’. Another sign read: ‘Loud sounds may trigger an avalanche’. The more literate ponies were utterly confused. “But I don’t see any snow… how can there be an avalanche without snow?” Brainbow Bash wondered.

“They probably meant ‘rock slide’. It’s a common mistake,” Twilight pointed out.

“Ah,” Brainbow said. The ponies then continued casually, knowing a pony’s voice alone could not move something as massive as a pile of boulders.

“FUS RO DAH!!!”

They did not take into account the fact that F**kershy is a total b**ch.

After barely escaping the ensuing rock slide, the ponies paused to catch their breath. “F**kershy…” Twilight gasped, “you’re a flankhole…”

“I know; I try,” the pegasus replied with a smile.

After another hour of climbing, the group finally arrived at the mouth of the cave where the dragon had holed itself up in. “Well, here we are,” Twilight Novel announced, “ Okay, F**kershy, you’re up! Go use your feminine charm and get that dragon out of there!”

“I… can’t,” she mumbled.

“Why not?” the unicorn asked.

“I’m… scared of dragons,” she admitted.

“Why would you be afraid of dragons? Well, besides the obvious, that is,” Pukie Pie asked.

The yellow pegasus took a deep breath, then began to talk about her past. “Before I went freelance, I had a pimp who was a dragon. I still owe him money from my last client I had under him. Now every time a dragon comes around, I’m afraid it might be him looking for me.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Twilight declared. “Here, if it’ll make you happy, I’ll go inside and check to see if it’s him, okay?”

“Okay,” the pegasus whimpered.

Twilight Novel trotted inside to find a giant red reptile sleeping on a pile of bank notes and stolen credit cards. “Excuse me,” she declared, “I represent Her Royal Highness, Princess Trollestia, and on her behalf, I would like to ask you to find somewhere else to sleep.”

Without even moving any of his other body parts, the dragon moved the claws on one hand so that the center one was fully extended while the others were clenched tightly.

Upon seeing the purple unicorn storm out of the lair, F**kershy asked what color the dragon was. “Red,” she grumbled.

“Oh, good; it’s not him,” she sighed.

“So you’ll go in now?” Twilight asked hopefully.

“Nope. Are you crazy? That’s a full-grown dragon in there!” the pegasus yelled.

“Hey, where did Rhapsidy and Pukie go?” Brainbow suddenly asked. As if on cue, the two aforementioned ponies flew out the entrance of the cave. Rhapsidy’s bag was full of sample merchandise, order forms, and a piece of paper with a sales pitch written on it. Pukie’s bag, unsurprisingly, was filled with patties, having tried to bribe the dragon with food. As they lay there with their posteriors up, F**kershy noted they looked hot in that position, but immediately chastised herself, as it wasn’t the time for such thoughts.

“Okay, that’s it!” the blue pegasus declared, “That dragon can’t ignore a court order!” The blue pegasus pulled the eviction notice out of her bag and flew inside.”

“Three, two, one…” Twilight counted.

“FUS RO DAH!!!”

The legal pegasus was launched out of the cave and straight into a boulder, where she lay stuck in the pony-shaped imprint she left on its surface. “…or maybe he can…” she said, her eyes spinning dizzily.

F**kershy gazed hungrily between the other pegasus’s legs. ‘Get ahold of yourself!’ she thought, but was stricken by a realization: ‘…oh my gosh, my heat must be coming on early this time!’

Then the dragon came out of the nest. The yellow pegasus noted how attractive he looked, by dragon standards. She couldn’t take it anymore. “Hey, Mr. Dragon,” she cooed, “how’s this sound? I show you a ‘good time’, and you find yourself a new place to live. What do you say?” The dragon’s sly smile was all the answer she needed.

Several days later, she sat in the doctor’s office, grumbling about what he said. Out in the waiting room, Twilight Novel prepared the latest lesson.

Today’s Moral: When seducing a dragon, you should ALWAYS use protection.

Author's Note

Disclaimer: The Bridge of Death scene is taken from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. The consequence of failure in that scene is taken from My Little Pony: The (Abridged) Mentally Advanced Series.

Episode 8: Observe Before You Rest

It was a glorious summer day… at least, it was supposed to be. Instead, the town’s weather ponies were frantically trying to create an emergency thunderstorm. Meanwhile, the rest of the town was busy ensuring all the litter and dead trees were cleaned up so they wouldn’t do any damage.

As Apple Peel pulled down dead tree branches the hard way, Rhapsidy was busy advertising the store’s newest line of chainsaws to every pony who passed by. Finally, Apple Peel had had enough. “Consarnit, Rhapsidy, would ya just get busy an’ help me with this?! I’m the one who’s supposed to be lazin’ around!”

“It’s not my fault Mr. Filthy sent me out to sell these on the day of the big storm,” the unicorn protested. “Besides, why do we have to have one in the first place?”

“‘Cause the weather ponies screwed up and dropped our last downpour over Applelicious. They ain’t even s’posed to get any rain on account o’ them bein’ in a designated desert zone an’ all,” the farm pony replied.

Suddenly, the aforementioned storm began, exactly on schedule for once. “Oh no! The display models are going to rust! My boss is SO going to demote me for this…” the white mare complained.

Friendship is Overrated
Episode 8: Observe Before You Rest

“Hey! Get in here!” a voice called out. It was Twilight Novel, inviting them into the warmth of the library. Without hesitation, they hurried into the warmth and dryness of the tree house.

Apple Peel stopped just short of the door and protested, “Hold on; is it really safe to be inside a tree during a storm?”

“Don’t be absurd; this is my home. Main characters’ homes are never hit by lightning,” the purple librarian pointed out.

Satisfied, the earth pony trotted inside, only to be thrown out into the rain once more for not wiping her hooves first. Grumbling, the mare stomped around in a puddle, rinsing the mud off her legs. Now that she was clean, she tried again to enter the library.

Inside, she found Twilight Novel and Rhapsidy covered in goop. “What’s going on here?” she demanded.

“Why, we’re testing beauty product samples!” Twilight answered cheerfully. “It’s part of this thing called a ‘slumber party’. I read about it in a fanfic and thought I’d try it out for myself!”

“Here, try some!” Rhapsidy offered as she sprayed a scent onto the farm mare.

The orange pony gasped in fear. The scent sent her flashing into a memory of her family touring a cosmetics factory. She could still hear the screams as her parents drowned in a vat of perfume… She ran outside to wash the stuff off in the rain. Moments later, a flash of lightning and a clap of thunder appeared. Apple Peel slowly trotted inside again. This time, she was covered in soot due to her singed fur, her mane was standing on end, and she wore an annoyed expression on her face. It shouldn’t require a genius to figure out what happened.

Within moments, Rhapsidy cleaned her up using various items from her Bag of Sample Products™. With a flash, the mascara and other chemicals on their faces vanished as Twilight prepared to move on to the next stage of the party.

“What was the point of all that if’n ya just made it disappear?” Apple Peel inquired.

“Oh, Apple Peel, you simply do not understand the complexities of beauty…” Rhapsidy sighed.

“Whatever,” the orange mare grumbled. “What’s next on the list?”

“Horror films!” Twilight exclaimed. “Well, actually, the reference guide lists a choice of either horror or romance. For some reason, the only romance films in this library are about a vampire/werewolf love triangle, so I believe we can all agree that horror is the better option.”

“Oh, I love that series!” Rhapsidy exclaimed. Suddenly, she felt a shiver creep down her spine. It was the feeling of the author’s respect for her plummeting. She remained quiet as Twilight set up the movie projector and selected the films to watch.

“I-i-is it over?” Apple Peel stuttered, her eyes shut tight and her forelegs wrapped tightly around Rhapsidy, who was in a similar state.

“You girls are wimps,” Twilight scoffed. “Jason Machete is a hydrophobic retard, and Fangy Clawhoof is hilarious!”

“Ain’t it a mite insultin’ ta use the word ‘retard’?” the earth pony protested.

“Only if used incorrectly. Jason Machete actually does have a medical condition that is a form of mental retardation,” Twilight lectured.

“NERD!” a mysterious voice yelled from outside.

Her two companions stared at her in disbelief, surprised by her expertise on the subject. “Yeah, yeah, I can hardly believe it, either,” the unicorn groaned. “Trollestia made me write some essays about him once.” She shivered.

“Whatever is the problem? You can handle the film just fine,” the guest unicorn wondered.

“She gave me that assignment two days after I became her student,” Twi replied.

Apple Peel decided it was a good time to change the subject. “So… what’s next on the list?”

“Next comes the food, followed by Truth or Dare,” their host replied. Right on cue, Scotty brought in a tray full of pizza bagels before heading off to bed.

The trio enjoyed the treats in silence before getting on with the game.

“All right, Rhapsidy, I dare you to give us something expensive from th’ store fer free,” Apple Peed said with a mischievous smile. With a shrug, she pulled an anvil out of her bag and dropped it on the earth pony’s head.

Apple Peel soon regained consciousness and put a bag of ice over the lump on her head. Rhapsidy smiled a grin as mischievous as her friend’s had been earlier. “All right, Apple Peel… My turn.” The earth pony mare gulped at this. “I dare you to go online and say ‘yes’ to a pop-up ad.”

The orange mare stumbled to one of the library’s computers and booted it up…

The sound of the stormy night was pierced with a trio of loud screams of disgust.

“Why the hay did ya want me ta do that?!” Apple Peel demanded.

“I had no idea it would lead to ‘Two Mares, One Trough’!” the white unicorn cried.

“All right, calm down. Let me just fire up a brain bleach spell. After that, I suggest we all hit the hay,” Twilight said firmly.

“What about the mandatory pillow fight?” Apple Peel protested.

“You were sitting on most of my pillows during the horror films and you soiled them all,” Twilight replied. Needless to say, the two guests decided a pillow fight was not such a good idea after all.

Even going to sleep caused a lot of commotion. Apple Peel and Rhapsidy were yelling through the night. Eventually, Twilight Novel had had enough. She sat up and turned on the light with her magic. “All right you two, enough with the…”

The sight before her was… surprising, to say the least. After a long pause, Apple Peel finally managed to say, “…Well, this is… uncomfortable.”

“So let me get this straight,” the purple unicorn began, “You two start rolling in my guest bed, in my bedroom, during my slumber party, and you don’t even invite me?!” The two guest mares blushed and glanced away sheepishly.

“Let us never mention this again,” Rhapisdy suggested.

“Fine. Let’s just get some sleep,” Twilight grunted as she laid down once more and turned off the lights. The other two followed suit. After lying there for a while, the lavender mare whispered, “Rhapsidy?”

“Yes?”

“I never figured you to be a screamer.”

“Shut up.”

Moments later, a lightning bolt thundered just outside, hitting a tree, which made little sense since it was right next to the library, which was a much taller tree, but I digress. The lights came on again as the three mares rushed to the window. Right outside, the tree was teetering precariously and was about to fall on the house next door. “That tree is teetering precariously and is about to fall on the house next door!” Apple Peel exclaimed. That’s what I just said…

Without another thought, she opened the window and shot it with a grapple gun, similar to those seen in spy and Batpony movies. With a sharp tug, she pulled the tree away from the other house- and into the one they were in.

“Nice job, Apple Peel!” Rhapsidy sneered.

“Oh, shut it, will ya?” the orange mare snapped in reply.

“Would you two just shut up and get this tree out of my bedroom?!” their host screamed.

Without needing to be told twice, Rhapsidy immediately fired up the chainsaw she had been advertising at the start of the episode. She cut the branches down to size while Apple Peel hauled the sections over to the window and tossed them out. Meanwhile, Twilight Novel grabbed a needle and surgical sutures and stitched shut the gashes that were cut open whenever Rhapsidy’s chainsaw came in contact with Apple Peel. When they were done, the earth pony bore a strong resemblance to Friendlyspine’s monster. Exhausted, the three mares climbed into bed again and fell asleep almost instantly.

Today’s Moral: Apparently, when I was avoiding all those slumber parties as a child, I wasn’t missing a thing.

Author's Note

I'm still looking for costume ideas for Cantaloupe Comic-Con. Also, there's something special about this chapter. The first person to guess what it is gets... something. I'm not sure what yet. Your OC could get a cameo, or I could do a spoof of one of your stories. If no one guesses it, I'll give a hint in the next episode's Author's Notes. Now, on to the episode!

Episode 9: Badger Gassing

Author's Notes: This was a fun one to write, especially the self-depreciating jokes against my own nationalty. If you, too, are American like me, and you are insulted... good! Let the jimmies rustle through you...

I still need Cantaloupe Comic-Con costume ideas, too.

“Weather sure is nice today,” Twilight Novel observed.

“It’s too bright,” Scotty groaned.

“Even I feel like being outside. I bet all of Pokeyville feels this way,” the unicorn continued. Suddenly, the pair stopped. Everything was quiet. Not a soul could be seen. Well, there was one soul: a ghost that had randomly appeared out of nowhere just to contradict my narration. Every door was locked, every window barred. The whole place seemed deserted.

“You were saying?” the other pony sneered.

Ignoring her friend’s attitude, Twilight Novel wondered, “Where is everyone?”

“Maybe they all got tired of you and went on vacation,” Scotty suggested.

“No, that was last week,” Twilight pointed out. “This is different.”

“Maybe your offensive stench drove them away,” the background pony said.

“I took a shower last night before bed,” Twilight countered with a bit of irritation in her voice. She was beginning to tire of the bad mood her friend had woken up in.

“Is it… zombies?” Scotty asked, the irritation in her voice replaced by sudden panic.

“Ah, that’s it. You were up all night playing Call of Duty again, weren’t you? No wonder you’re so cranky,” Twilight said.

“I wasn’t up ALL night…” the other mare grumbled.

Suddenly, a nearby voice whispered loudly, “Twilight! Scotty! Get in here! Quickly, before she eats you!”

Looking around, the two mares noticed the door to Corn Syrup Corner was ajar, and Pukie Pie was beckoning with her hoof. Without wasting a moment, the two bounded through the door, which was locked tightly behind them. Once they were safely inside, Scotty asked quickly, “Who’s going to eat us? The zombie pony?”

“Oh, so you were up playing Call of Duty all night, too, huh?” Pukie prodded.

“It wasn’t all night,” the mare grumbled once again.

Looking around, Twilight Novel noticed the other main characters were assembled there as well. Well, mostly assembled. Brainbow Bash still had a few pieces left to attach. “What are you all doing here?” Twilight asked.

“We’re hidin’ from her!” Apple Peel said as she pointed out a window. Right outside in the town square stood a strange hooded figure who was pawing at the ground mysteriously. As the figure turned to look at them, the ponies hid as quickly as possible. Twilight Novel simply rolled her eyes.

Friendship is Overrated
Episode 9: Badger Gassing

“Who is that?” Twilight asked.

“It’s Zigawig!” a voice answered. Looking down, the purple unicorn noticed the voice came from Apple Peel’s little sister, Ayefone.

“Ah told you never ta say that name!” Apple Peel scolded.

“Is she a zombie?” Scotty asked.

“No, but she is evil,” Pukie Pie replied.

“She’s just a zebra. Why are you all flipping out?” Twilight demanded.

The room filled up with a gasp. “That’s even worse!” Rhapsidy swooned.

“Ah bet she wants me t’ pay her fer what mah family did t’ hers back on the plantations,” the apple mare said.

“Wait a second… you’re all a bunch of racists, aren’t you?” the purple unicorn realized. “There’s nothing wrong with being another species. And slavery ended 800 years ago. The last legal settlement was 500 years ago. It’s ancient history.” The other ponies just stared at her, surprised at her knowledge. “I read a dramatisation of that last settlement,” she clarified. The other ponies gasped in shock. “Oh, what now?”

“That’s not how the author spells ‘dramatization’,” Brainbow Bash replied.

“What do you mean? It’s perfectly correct,” Twilight scoffed. “I didn’t realise you ponies were so particular about this sort of thing.”

“See, there you go again with ‘realize’,” Rhapsidy pointed out. “The author is American. That means we’re all supposed to use American spelling.”

“It’s not my fault Americans don’t know how to spell,” Twilight scoffed. Hey now, that’s getting a little insulting.

“Oh, now who’s bein’ racist?” Apple Peel protested.

“I think Twilight has every right to spell however she wants,” F**kershy spoke up. “Besides, Americans aren’t a race, as they are so fond of pointing out.”

“The author decides what happens in here!” Brainbow Bash yelled softly.

“Oh, this must be that American superiority I keep hearing about,” F**kershy countered.

Twilight, F**kershy, I swear, if you two do not stop insulting my nationality, I will…

“You’ll do what? Kill us off? Write us out of the story? You can’t do that; you need us!” Twilight Novel scoffed.

Of course not. I would never do that to you. Twilight smirked at this. No, I have something much worse in store for you two: I’m going to ship you.

“You wouldn’t!” the unicorn gasped.

“I say we call his bluff,” the yellow pegasus suggested, “He hates shipping and knows nothing about romance.”

Twilight turned to her friend and was about to agree, but she stopped as a realization hit her. She had never noticed just how beautiful her friend was. Her full lips, her luscious curves, and her deep, beautiful eyes… As she gazed into those sparkling azure orbs, she could see that the newfound feelings she had for her were mutual. Slowly, the two nuzzled each other, wrapping themselves into a warm embrace. Slowly, they inched their snouts closer, their lips quivering in anticipation of their first-

“OKAY! OKAY! WE’LL BEHAVE!” Twilight Novel screamed.

“Just make it stop!” concurred her would-be partner. That’s better.

As Pukie Pie started singing to ease the tension, no one noticed little Ayefone sneak out the back door to meet this zebra for herself.

Outside, Ayefone was stealthily stalking the mysterious zebra. She was able to do this because she had the proper equipment: a black sweater and night vision goggles, both of which she had “borrowed” from some seemingly random magenta-maned orange pegasus filly. She managed to remain undetected as they entered the Forest of Doom. Unfortunately, at that point, her loudmouthed sister showed up and blew her cover.

“Ayefone, get back here!”

“Hey, watch out! You’re standing in a prankstermint patch! Those are highly poisonous!” the zebra warned in a near-panicked state

“You quit spoutin’ yer curses! You don’t scare us!” Apple Peel yelled.

“Seriously, they’re very dangerous. I know from experience,” she reiterated.

“Your witchcraft won’t work on us!” Rhapsidy shouted. The others yelled their assent as well.

“You know what? Screw you guys; I’m leaving. It’s not my fault you’re too stupid to listen…” Zigawig huffed as she trotted away.

“Yeah, you better run!” Pukie yelled as the seven ponies started off in the other direction toward home.

That night, Twilight Novel had a very strange dream. The entirely of Etceteria was covered in a vast flowing sea of violet slime with hundreds of amorphous faces. A strange pony bearing a strong resemblance to F**kershy stood on a mountaintop, giddy as a schoolfilly at the sight, while a Rhapsidy look-alike bounced up and down beside her in a manner similar to Pukie Pie.

The violet mare groaned as she rolled out of bed to face the day. She thought back to her dream for a while as she brushed her hair. When she regained her focus, however, she noticed something was wrong. Very wrong indeed…

She rushed downstairs and pulled out every reference guide in the library, trying to find a treatment for her bizarre condition. Hearing the commotion, Butterscotch Syrup walked in and offered to help.

“No! I can do this just fine on my own,” Twilight protested. However, in doing so, she had turned to face the other pony, revealing the nature of her predicament.

Her horn was shaped like one of the toys F**kershy used during her rare nights alone. Needless to say, Scotty was rolling on the floor laughing her flank off. “One of these days, I’m going to find a spell to give you a horn so you can know how this feels,” the purple unicorn growled.

Before Scotty could reply, the door burst open, revealing Brainbow Bash. Her wings were stretched out so far, it looked like it hurt. She bashfully slipped inside, closing the door behind her. With a sigh of relief, she looked up to see Twilight Novel. Her eyes grew as big as saucers and she started drooling a little when she saw the new shape of her friend’s horn. She immediately closed her eyes and turned around, muttering “Don’t look at it. Don’t look at it,” repeatedly to herself.

The door opened again, this time with a slam. Pukie Pie tried to yell something, but nothing came out. Her tongue was numb and her vocal cords had disappeared. And there was much rejoicing.

Rhapsidy came in next, looking around nervously. “What’s wrong with you?” Twilight asked.

“I’m naked,” she whispered. The other ponies rolled their eyes. “I was supposed to work today, but every time I touch a piece of clothing, it turns orange! That’s against the dress code, and it clashes with my hair colors to boot. I feel naked without my uniform on a work day!”

“I don’t remember you wearing one when I met you,” Twilight pointed out.

“Casual Friday,” the white mare replied.

Apple Peel, Ayefone, and F**kershy trotted in next. Apple Peel had been turned into a little filly the same age as her sister.

After everyone had finished laughing at Apple Peel’s plight, they turned to laugh at F**kershy’s plot. Her backside was completely featureless; it looked exactly like the canon ponies’ posteriors. “How do they go to the bathroom without any holes?” she asked, which only elicited more laughter from the others.

Scotty couldn’t help coming up with new names for them. “Okay, we’ve got Nudity, BrainBoner Bash, Mutie Pie, Appletini, Blankershy, and Twilight D-”

“Don’t you dare finish that,” the purple unicorn warned with a death glare. Sheepishly, her roommate backed down.

“I say we go confront that kooky zebra and make her change us back!” Apple Peel exclaimed, a sentiment that all her friends agreed with.

They ran through the forest, carefully tracking the zebra’s movements (and by “tracking”, I mean “looking up her address on Goggle Maps and using a GPS to point the way there”). About halfway there, Ayefone “accidentally” knocked her sister off a ledge. As she screamed and fell, Brainbow Bash leaped into action. She swooped down, caught the filly in her forelegs, and glided safely to the ground.

“Thanks, Brainbow Bash,” she sighed. “Um, you can put me down now.”

It was then that she noticed the leery look the pegasus was giving her. Glancing at her stiffened wings, she was reminded of what Brainbow’s curse was. All she could think to say was, “…Um… Ah think ah need an adult.”

“I am an adult,” the pegasus countered with a grin.

Several minutes later, they had all met up together again near Zigawig’s hut. Brainbow Bash, notably, sported a pair of small horseshoe-shaped bruises on her forehead. “Where’s mah sister?” Apple Peel asked.

“She ran off ahead of us. We couldn’t catch her, sorry,” Rhapsidy replied. Before they could dwell on that, they heard movement nearby. Hiding within a bush, they peered into the hut through a window.

Zigawig trotted out of her pantry with a jar of spices, which she sprinkled into a pot of soup, humming a small tune as she did so. Pukie Pie was outraged at this, but because she was now mute, nopony noticed.

“Now, where is Ayefone with that cinnamon?” Zigawig wondered.

“She’s gonna sacrifice mah sister in one o’ her blood rituals! Stop her!” Apple Peel shouted.

Without another word, Brainbow Bash forced open the front door and charged inside. Her stiff wings brushed the shelves, knocking everything over and causing a huge mess. “Easy, BrainBoner Bash!” the little orange filly warned. By this time, the others had arrived through the front door.

“We’re here to stop your evil ritual, Zigagwig!” Rhapsidy declared.

At that moment, Ayefone casually trotted in with a bag in her mouth. “Okay, ah got the rest of the groceries for ya!” she declared.

“Thank you, little one. You make an excellent assistant,” the zebra complimented.

“She ain’t gonna sacrifice her, she’s turnin’ mah sister to the dark side! Ayefone, you gotta fight it! Think of the good times!” Apple Peel cried.

“What good times?” the yellow filly asked. Then, realizing what was going on, she decided to let it go and explain things. “She ain’t doin’ anything evil! Zigawing was makin’ a cure fer those magic poison plants y’all were walkin’ in yesterday.”

“Is that what this is?” Twilight asked, sniffing the soup.

“Nah, that’s just my dinner,” the zebra replied. Then, holding up a jar of powder, she added, “This is the real cure. Just put this in some bathwater and soak yourselves for a few minutes.”

“Great!” Twilight exclaimed, “Just give us some and we can- Brainbow, stop staring at my horn! Ahem, just give us all a bottle and we can go home and forget this ever happened.”

“Ah, you see, the thing is… I only had enough ingredients to make one bath’s worth of the stuff,” Zigawig said awkwardly, “so you’re all going to have to share the same bath.” There were groans all around.

“The only public bath in Pokeyville is at the spa. It’s gonna be expensive,” Brainbow bash moaned. She then zoned out as she started drooling at the mental picture of the ponies who ran the spa.

About an hour later, the seven ponies and one zebra arrived at the Pokeyville Spa. They even managed to get a free session. Well, free for them, thanks to Twilight Novel’s knowledge of the Royal Credit Card’s number. The spa owners poured the substance into the bath and all the ponies hopped in. They immediately felt themselves returning to normal.

“Sorry fer bein’ so suspectin’ of ya,” Apple Peel apologized. “Ah was afraid y’all would want compensation fer misdeeds our ancestors did or somethin’.”

“Don’t worry; our families settled that years ago,” Zigawig replied.

“Actually, I’ve been looking into that,” Brainbow Bash spoke up. “It seems the Apple family has only made three payments over the years. Figuring in late fees, penalties, interest, and the changing value of the bit over the centuries, your family owes hers this much.” she said as she gave Apple Peel a bill.

The two read the bill over. Upon seeing the number, Apple Peel fainted and Zigawig rubbed her hooves together greedily.

Today’s Moral: Always pay up what you owe, or rainbow-maned pegasus lawyers will go after your descendants.

Episode 12: Troll of the Tootie

Down at Pokeyville Elementary School, the class could be heard chatting it up with each other. The bell rang, and the teacher strolled in. She was a plum-colored pony who looked like she had been trying very hard to maintain her figure. That’s not easy to do after who-knows-how-many illegitimate offspring she may have had… but that’s not really relevant right now. Her mane was striped in the school colors, pink and white, and her butt tattoo depicted a set of yellow pom-poms.

“Okay class, settle down,” she instructed. The students continued to converse. “I said shut up,” she reiterated. Still, the room was filled with chatter. “QUIET!” she yelled. Finally, the foals stopped talking and paid attention.

“Thank you. Now, today’s lesson is about butt tattoos,” she began. A silver-colored pony in the corner moaned, having gone over this lesson before. Ignoring her, the teacher turned on the projector. The board was filled with the image of the teacher as an infant. She continued, “I, like all ponies, was born with a blank backside, as you can see here.”

“Aww, she’ so precious…”

“Shut up, Twit. Anyway, when I was your age, this thing appeared on my flank,” she said as she moved forward to the next slide. The class screamed in disgust as the baby photo was replaced by… a rather explicit one of the teacher during her promiscuous teen years. “Oh, you’re going to have to learn about that kind of stuff eventually,” the teacher scoffed. “Besides, this was the only photo I could get of back then that showed my mark. The rest showed mostly my… never mind. Can anyone tell me what makes a magic tattoo appear?”

“Ooh! Ooh! Miss Cheerleeder! Pick me! I know!” the tan filly in front said with her hoof in the air.

“Can anyone besides Twit tell me what makes a butt tattoo appear?” she asked. Looking around, no one else had their hoof raised. “A butt tattoo appears to mark you with the one thing that you are even moderately competent at doing. So, for example, if you were to get a pile of manure for a butt tattoo, the only things you’d be good for would be cleaning up after pigs, emptying outhouses, or running for public office.”

A yellow filly sitting right behind Twit was eagerly taking notes, until a scrunched-up ball of paper hit her in the back of the head. Looking behind her, she saw a familiar pink pony giggling mischievously. She picked it up and was about to throw it back, until the teacher caught her. “Throwing paper, are we, Ayefone?”

“She threw it at me!” the little filly argued.

“And why would she do that?” Cheerleeder asked.

“I was sharing my notes with her!” the little filly lied. “You know how important it is to help others in their education.”

“Ah, good. Carry on, then,” the teacher said.

“But these aren’t notes! They’re blank!” Ayefone protested.

“Sound familiar?” the pink filly jeered, drawing attention to the yellow filly’s unadorned bottom.

Friendship is Overrated

Episode 12: Troll of the Tootie

The school bell rang, followed by a long line of students heading home. Among them were two fillies. The one with glasses, Twit, noticed her friend’s sour mood and decided to cheer her up. “Hey, want thome candy? I made it mythelf,” she offered.

“Ugh, no. You’re a worse cook than my sister!” Ayefone gagged. A truly frightening thought if ever there was one.

As if on cue, another pair of fillies approached. “Can you believe we had to sit through another butt tattoo lesson? Everypony has one already,” the pink one, known as Crown Thingy, scoffed.

“What about that farm girl and Worst Pony?” her friend, the gray Silver Spork, asked.

“Everypony in class,” Thingy reiterated, inciting a depressed frown from the aforementioned tattoo-less fillies.

“See you at Crown Thingy’s Butt Tattoo Bash!” Spork called back to the duo.

“You and everypony else who thinks they matter,” Thingy added.

“It’s not fair! It’s just not fair,” Ayefone groaned.

“Uh huh,” Apple Peel replied, not really listening. She was too busy setting up explosives on the apple trees so she wouldn’t have to shake the apples out herself.

“I want my butt tattoo now!” she continued. “I can’t go to Crown Thingy’s Butt Tattoo Bash without it, or I’ll be a laughingstock!”

“Hey, I got my tattoo last in my class, and…” Apple Peel began, but stopped to reconsider. “Okay, so I am a laughingstock. Come to think of it, though, Ma, Pa, Granny Smith, Grandpa Wesson, and Big Windows were all last in their classes as well.”

“But our parents and grandparents were homeschooled…” the younger filly pointed out.

“Hush, you,” the older mare shushed. She pressed the button on her detonator, setting off the explosives. A large mushroom cloud could be seen all the way from the opposite end of town. Moments later, it started raining leaves, wood splinters, and applesauce over the entire village.

“Apple Peel, ah may not be an expert, but ah’m pretty sure ya ain’t supposed to sell apples by throwin’ them at everypony who passes by,” Ayefone said worriedly.

“Yer durn right you ain’t an expert. I’ve been doin’ this a lot longer than you have,” Apple Peel replied.

“Exactly! You’ve had more time to screw things up!” the little filly countered.

Then along came Doc Brown, so-called because of his coat color. “Hey! Want some apples?!” Apple Peel asked, getting right up into his face. Yelling in surprise, he jumped into a silver car and drove off at 88 mph (141.622 km/h). The car vanished in a flash of white light, leaving two trails of flames on the ground where the wheels would have gone over. “Well, that was an unexpected reference,” the mare observed.

As the older mare turned to harass Bun Bun with another sales pitch, Ayefone decided to slip away undetected.

“Dangit, Twit! You really dropped the ball on this one. I ask you to do one thing –to keep your butt blank for one more measly little day– and I can’t even rely on you to do that!” Ayefone ranted as she glared at the trollface that adorned the other filly’s bottom. Frankly, I’m surprised it took this long for it to appear. But then, considering her intelligence, perhaps it isn’t so surprising after all.

As Ayefone sat glumly in the park, a familiar blue pegasus spotted her and swooped down to investigate. “What’s wrong?” Brainbow Bash asked.

“Ah need to get my Butt Tattoo before Crown Thingie’s Butt Tattoo Bash this evening, but Apple Peel and Twit are too stupid ta help!” Ayefone groaned.

“I could help,” Brainbow offered.

“No way! You’ll just hook me up with some boring, overly-complicated stuff. Ah might as well ask Pukie Pie. In fact, Ah think Ah will,” she stated as she trotted off towards Corn Syrup Corner. Brainbow Bash sulked away in the opposite direction, grumbling about the author’s laziness, as he didn’t want to write her scene.

Ayefone trotted in through the back door of Corn Syrup Corner. There, she found Pukie Pie busy cooking. “Hey, Pukie!” she greeted. “You got any ideas on how I can get my butt tattoo?”

“Hmm… Maybe you can help me make my patties,” she suggested.

“You want me to try cooking?” the filly asked.

“Sure,” Pukie replied. “What could possibly go wrong?”

An hour and a half later, Ayefone limped out of the emergency room. The doctor told her to take it easy for a few days, but she didn’t have time for that! She needed to get her butt tattoo pronto!

Slowly, she hobbled back over to Corn Syrup Corner, which had miraculously been cleared of smoke, ash, rose quartz, and mosquito netting. Don’t ask. She stumbled through the door, and was halfway to the kitchen before she realized the Butt Tattoo Bash was in full swing, and she was right in the middle of it.

“SON OF A-” The tirade of cursing that followed has been cut out as a courtesy to those who can’t stand strong language. Like me.

Unfortunately, the tirade drew the attention of Crown Thingy and Silver Spork. Seeing them approach, Ayefone looked around quickly. Spotting the cake, she removed a bit of icing and drew a smiley face on each side of her flank. “Hey there. Nice party, huh?” she nervously greeted.

“Well if it isn’t the farm girl and her featureless flank,” Crown Thingy sneered.

“Ah do have a butt tattoo! See?” Ayefone protested, showing them her smiley faces. “Ah just got it this afternoon.”

Just then, Stones walked up and licked the frosting off. “Mmm… chocolate…”

The three fillies stared blankly at the idiot, who clearly had no idea how messed up his action was. Finally, Silver Spork spoke up. “Ayefone, I think you need an adult…” The farm pony nodded.

Snapping out of the shock, Crown Thingy started to chuckle. “Well, look who’s lying! I bet you don’t even have a special talent!”

“And why do you care?” a voice called out. The room was silent as a pair of fillies came out of the closet. No, not like that. I mean they literally opened the door of the broom closet they were hiding in and stepped out of it. Dang ScootaBelle shippers…

“Why do you care whether she has one or not?” the orange pegasus repeated. “When her tattoo appears is her business, not yours. This episode is supposed to teach kids to stand up to bullies, and it’s high time I did that.”

“Uh, yeah! What she said!” a filthy white unicorn concurred. No, I’m not being racist; she really needed a bath. Stop taking the narration out of context!

“I don’t think they’re taking the narration out of context,” the pegasus said. Oh… Well, then, let’s move on.

“And who do you think you are?” Crown Thingy sneered.

The two new ponies turned, revealing their featureless flanks. “Wow, your butt tattoos are the exact same colors as your coats!” Ayefone exclaimed.

“Sure! That’s the excuse we use,” the pegasus said.

Moments later, the three friends were gathered at a table. “Ah’m Ayefone!” the earth pony greeted. “Who’re you?”

“Ah’m- (ahem) I’m Stinky Ball,” the unicorn said.

“And I’m Chicken,” the pegasus added.

“You know, since our tattoos match our coats, maybe we could work together to find out what our real butt tattoos are,” Ayefone suggested.

“Like a club?” Stinky Ball asked.

“Exactly! But we need a name…” Ayefone started to ponder.

“Hmm… Tattoo Buddies?” Stinky Ball suggested.

“Talent Scouts?” Chicken suggested.

“Ah’ve got it! We could be the Tattoo Investigation Team Specialists!” Ayefone cried.

“Ooh, I like that!” Stinky Ball gasped.

“Me too!” Chicken chimed in. “…Wait, doesn’t the acronym spell-”

Today’s Moral: All children have brain damage.

Author's Note

The moral is a quote from one of Bill Cosby's old stand-up comedy routines.

I just realized something. This entire episode is essentially about a child's bare bottom. If the characters were humanized, that would've led to some problems.

Episode 15: Spilling Pukie's Beans

Twilight Novel lay in the grass in Pokeyville Park, reading a novel as usual. "As the spacefaring stallion's face crept closer to her own, Dominatrix Moon felt her cheeks grow warmer. Their lips met, tongues lashing as-"

"TWILIGHT!"

Groaning, Twilight looked up from her novel to see her roommate dressed in a tuxedo and top hat. "What do you want?" Twilight groaned.

"We're supposed to be practicing your magic," Butterscotch replied. "It's why we came out here in the first place."

"I am practising my magic. I'm using it to turn the pages," Twilight countered.

"That's not real practice and you know it," Butterscotch said.

"Okay, okay, we'll do it your way," Twilight grumbled. With a flick of her horn, Butterscotch Syrup's hat levitated off her head slightly and turned into a large rock. Twilight released her grip and the rock fell on her head, knocking her out cold. "There, happy?" Twilight asked. "I know I am. Finally, some peace and-"

(SPLAT!)

"Hi, Twilight!" Pukie Pie yelled.

"Ugh…" Twilight groaned. "Pukie, what are you doing here?"

"Oh, I'm just trying to predict the future using body movements," Pikie replied.

"…What?"

Suddenly, Pukie Pie spun around and whipped Twilight with her tail. "Ow! What did you do that for?!" Twilight demanded.

"It's a twitch," Pukie explained. "It means something's going to fall."

"That's ridicu-" Twilight began before a half-empty beer bottle fell seemingly out of nowhere and shattered against her noggin, knocking her out cold.

"Told ya," Pukie said.

Friendship is Overrated
Episode 15: Spilling Pukie's Beans

"Whoops," a voice called out from above. F**kershy unsteadily lowered herself to the ground. "Watch out for that."

"Are you drunk?" Pukie asked.

"I'm not drunk, I'm Flickershot. I think," F**kershy replied.

"Yeah, you're definitely drunk," Pikie said.

"Whatever. I'm off to the bog, if anypony needs me," F**kershy slurred as she stumbled away.

As Pukie stood wondering what to do about her unconscious friend, Apple Peel happened to walk by. "Hey, Apple Peel. Little help here?"

"Fine," she said with a roll of her eyes. She picked up the two unconscious ponies and tossed them into a nearby mud pit. Apparently, mud pits are a common thing in Pokeyville. Who knew?

The cold moisture of the mud shocked the ponies awake and they immediately stood, gasping for breath. Butterscotch Syrup climbed over Twilight Novel (quite rudely, I might add) to escape, after which, she hurried off back home, presumably to clean up. It's not certain that cleaning is actually what she intended to accomplish, as there are other things a mare covered in mud could do, but this is not the time or place to think about such things.

After finally managing to climb out of the mud, Twilight headed off to Pukie Pie's house to use her cleaning facilities, as her own were (hopefully) occupied. Most other ponies would've complained about somepony else barging into their house uninvited to use their shower, but Pukie decided she'd simply charge her for it and send her a bill later.

As Twilight sat grumbling in Pukie's shower, the pink pony entered the bathroom with various shampoos and other supplies. I suggest you don't try to think about why she keeps them in a separate room. It's not worth the effort. "So my future-seeing powers work like this," she began.

"I didn't ask you to explain your so-called 'abilities'," Twilight interjected.

"Well, too bad! You're getting an explanation anyway," Pukie said. "They work like this: I get various twitches, and each kind of twitch indicates what's about to happen."

"Wait, aren't you afraid that might actually indicate a tumor or some other serious condition?" Twilight asked.

"Twilight, I've had so many CAT scans that dogs have started growling at me," Pukie explained. "I've had so many MRIs that my head throws off compass readings. They found nothing. Now where was I?"

"The twitches indicate something," Twilight offered.

"Ah, yes. For example, my tail whipping someone in the face means they're about to be hit by a falling object, and if my knee is pinchy, something stupid is about to happen. That usually indicates that Twit is about to enter the room. Doesn't get much stupider than that."

"If what you say is true, then that knee better not be pinchy now," Twilight grumbled.

"Nah, but my shoulder's kinda sore. That means there's an iguana in the shower," Pukie said.

Twilight looked down. Standing next to her was a baby dragon where there hadn't been one a moment earlier. "'Sup?" he greeted.

With a shriek, Twilight tossed him out of the bathroom. "What the heck was that?!" she exclaimed.

"Oh, that's my pet iguana, Dummy," Pukie explained.

"How many times do I have to tell you I'm a dragon?!" Dummy yelled.

"He's so silly," Pukie added.

As Twilight watched, she suddenly remembered all the cool stuff she had in her basement. This was finally a chance to put some of it to use! "Hey Pukie. You mind if I try out my brain scanner?" she asked.

"Okay, but it's not going to work," Pukie warned.

About half an hour later, Pukie Pie found herself in Twilight Novel's basement, strapped to a strange machine. Pukie looked at the device on her head and said, "So you really think this vegetable strainer-"

"Brainwave/magic analyser!" Twilight corrected.

"…brainwave/magic analyzer is more sensitive than Cantaloupe University's best stuff?" Pukie asked.

"Of course! The data is picked up by these sensors on the outside…" Twilight explained.

"They look more like holiday lights to me," Pukie mumbled.

"…and then it goes through the wires to my machine here, which will print out all sorts of data," Twilight concluded.

"I dunno… This looks kinda dangerous," Pukie said hesitantly.

"Oh, come on! What's the worst that could happen?"

Suddenly, a voice spoke from the computer: "Voice command recognized: 'Worst that could happen'. Initiating self-destruct sequence…"

"No, cancel the self-destruct!" Twilight ordered.

"Voice command not recognized," the computer stated. "Did you mean to say, 'Candy-loving bugs'?"

Twilight whipped out her phone and dialed a number. "Beam us out, Scotty!" she yelled.

Twilight Novel sat in a bush wearing a camo-colored jacket and face paint. She held a set of binoculars in her magical grip as she observed Pukie going about her day. Suddenly, the voice of Dummy the "iguana" spoke up behind her: "What the hay are you doing?"

"Gah!" Twilight gasped. "Don't you know better than to sneak up on a powerful unicorn? I could've accidentally vaporised you!"

"That doesn't answer my question," Dummy said.

"I'm spying on your owner. Since the library's still being repaired, I don't really have anything better to do," Twilight explained.

"I thought she filed a restraining order against you after that," Dummy questioned.

"The application was denied because we're both main characters and need to interact occasionally," Twilight explained.

"Well, either way, you're not doing a very good job." Dummy pointed to where Pukie had been standing a moment earlier to show she had left.

"Crap!" Twilight hissed as she ran off.

Twilight Novel hid in another bush as she observed Pukie eating lunch at a picnic table. Suddenly, her head slammed down into her food. She immediately hopped up onto the table and braced herself.

"Odd. I wonder what that one me-" Twilight was interrupted as she was suddenly run over by the bunny motorcycle gang first seen in Episode 4. "Ow…" she groaned.

One hour and several dozen healing spells later, Twilight and Scotty found themselves hiding behind a stack of hay bales at that one apple farm whose name I forgot. There, they saw Pukie frolicking through a patch of flowers. "Why are we doing this again?" Scotty asked.

"Because we're bored and have nothing better to do," Twilight replied.

"Oh yeah," Scotty said.

Suddenly, Pukie let out a loud screech as her head started spinning around rapidly. "Okay, that's freaky," Scotty said with trepidation.

"I wonder what it means," Twilight mused. Suddenly, a trap door opened up beneath her and she fell, letting out a loud scream upon hitting the bottom.

"Ah, so that's where Big Windows has been hiding all the sharp tools," Apple Peel said.

"They look awfully rusty," Scotty noted.

After a trip to the hospital and another round of healing spells, Twilight found herself, you guessed it, hiding behind yet another piece of scenery to spy on Pukie.

"This is starting to get dangerous," Scotty said.

"We'll be fine," Twilight replied. Suddenly, Pukie's tail made a whipping motion, sending a clump of fur flying and smacking Twilight in the face.

"I'm out," Scotty declared as she stepped away from her roommate.

Remembering what being whipped in the face meant, she looked up. Sure enough, there was Derpy trying to deliver a vat of boiling metal. "Oh, **** no…" Twilight said in disbelief. Sure enough, Derpy lost her grip and the vat began to fall…

"Hey, Apple Peel! Whatcha doing?" Pukie asked.

"Playin' with sharp, rusty tools," Apple Peel replied. "How 'bout you?"

Pukie shrugged. "Oh, I'm just trolling Twilight as she spies on me. Ponies who do that tend to set off my bad predictions more often."

"WHAT?!" Twilight's voice echoed from within the metal sphere that had formed around the shield she had managed to put up at the last moment. She rolled over to her friends. "You knew I was getting hurt, but didn't help me? Some friend you are!"

"What, and let myself get targeted by my predictions, too?" Pukie asked. Suddenly, she began to shake violently for a moment. "Huh, that's a new one."

"What does that one mean?" Twilight asked.

"How should I know? I just said it's a new one!" Pukie said.

"Well, what do you think it means?" Apple Peel asked.

"Well, if I had to guess… either I left the oven on or F**kershy's in trouble, and not the usual kind," Pukie replied thoughtfully.

"You'd better go turn the oven off, then," Twilight said.

"Nah, the Bakes can take care of it. Let's go check on F**kershy," Pukie suggested. "Come on, she went this way!"

"First, could somepony please get me out of this thing?" Twilight asked.

As Pukie Pie, Twilight Novel, Apple Peel, Scotty, and Dummy wandered through the bog, Pukie continued to shudder at regular intervals. "Are you sure this isn't some sort of seizure?" Twilight asked.

"No, it's definitely my predictions going off," Pukie replied.

"I wonder what's wrong with F**kershy," Scotty mused.

"Maybe she exploded," Dummy suggested.

"Doesn't she do that every night?" Apple Peel asked.

"Hey, careful with the suggestive comments. We're trying to keep this a Teen-rated story," Scotty reminded. I agree with her, by the way. I really don't want to change the rating.

"What if she exploded for real? Like, 'boom'," Dummy asked.

"We're not that lucky," Twilight replied.

After another half hour of searching, the group finally found their friend passed out on a half-sunken log. Luckily, this is fiction, and in fiction, there's one surefire way to instantly awaken and sober up someone who has passed out from drunkenness: the ponies splashed cold water on her. Considering the state of the water, it had the side effect of making her smell even worse, but it did the trick.

"You okay, girl?" Apple Peel asked.

"I was until you jerks woke me up," F**kershy snapped.

"She's fine," Scotty whispered to Dummy, who chuckled quietly.

"What do you even want?" F**kershy asked.

"Pukie insisted you were in danger, so she dragged us here to check on you," Twilight replied. "I can see everything's fine, so let's get going."

Suddenly, an enormous hydra burst from the ground. "Hey, guys! Wanna hang out?" one of the heads roared. In reply, the ponies screamed and ran away.

"Dangit, Joe, you were too forward again!" Joe #2 said.

"Maybe they don't speak hydra," Joe #3 suggested.

"Don't be ridiculous. Hydra is the most comprehensible language in the world," Joe #3 retorted. "How could they not understand it?"

"Well, either way, they're getting away," Joe#4 noted.

"Come back!" Joe#1 yelled as ~~he~~ ~~they~~ the hydra started off in pursuit.

As the ponies ran through the jungle, they finally came across a wide, naturally-formed stone bridge crossing a deep chasm. With the hydra hot on their heels, the ponies didn't hesitate and hurried across. Twilight was a few paces behind the rest; as they reached the other side, she was only halfway across. It was at this moment that she turned around, lit up her horn, and yelled to the hydra, "You shall not pass!"

Growling in confusion, the hydra took a few steps onto the bridge. "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" Twilight screamed as she stomped on the bridge. With her strength boosted by magic, the force of the stomp cracked the bridge and sent the hydra falling into the swamp below. As the hydra fell, though, one of the heads (a.k.a. Joe #4) hit the remaining edge, causing it to give way a little more. Twilight twirled around and grabbed the edge. As her friends looked on, she yelled, "Fly, you fools!" before finally losing her grip and falling into the depths below.

Dummy, Scotty, Pukie Pie, and Apple Peel stared at the abyss in shock. F**kershy was staring at the abyss because it wasn't reflecting much sunlight and thus wasn't agitating her hangover. Suddenly, a flash of teleportation appeared next to them, causing F**kershy to groan in pain. "I said move!" Twilight yelled. Startled, the others jumped and complied.

Once the ponies were safely out of the woods, they stopped to catch their breath. "Well, Pukie, I admit it: it looks like your predictions are accurate after all," Twilight said between gasps.

"What are you talking about? I was just making it up as I went along," Pukie said. "I can't believe you fell for it!"

Twilight paused, her eye twitching. Her face started turning red. Finally, she screamed in frustration and stormed off.

"Why'd you tell her you made it up?" Apple Peel asked.

"Duh! To mess with her, of course!" Pukie replied. "Besides, it's not like it's going to come up again this season."

"You've got a point there," Apple Peel admitted.

Today's Moral: Fortune Telling is a load of manure.

As Twilight Novel finished writing her moral down, she noticed Pukie Pie walking past. She felt her tail whip her in the back of her head. Suddenly, Princess Trollestia appeared out of nowhere and tackled the poor girl. "I'll take that," she said as she picked up the note in her magic and flew away.

"Ow…" Twilight groaned as she lay motionless on the ground.

"I'll get the healing spellbook again," Scotty sighed. "Honestly, this is the third time this episode. You'd think she'd have memorized it by now…"

Author's Note

I'd like to thank TDR for giving up on this story. I'm serious-- adding this to your "Possibly Dead" bookshelf was what gave me the kick in the pants I needed to get back to writing. I've decided that, if a chapter gives me so much difficulty that it stops production completely, I won't be so hesitant to skip it if I have to.

Friendship is Overrated (Part 1)

Once upon a time in the magical land of Etceteria, there were two fancy sisters who kept things going. To do this, the older sister controlled the sun and the younger one controlled the moon. This allowed the ponies below to keep a regular schedule. Over time, however, the younger sister became resentful. The ponies slept and worked peacefully during the day, while they disrupted her tranquil evenings with wild all-night parties. Worst of all, they never invited her. All she wanted was a one-night stand. One day, she refused to lower the moon. The older sister tried to reason with her, but the lust in the young one’s heart had transformed her into a kinky mare of darkness: Dominatrix Moon! She vowed the night would not end until she scored with at least one hot stallion (or mare; she wasn’t picky). Reluctantly, the older sister used the most powerful magic known to horsies: the Elements of Comedy. Using them, she defeated her sister and put her in a thousand-year time-out on the moon, thus solving the problem permanently.

“What a bunch of hooey!”

My Little Pony: Friendship is Overrated

Twilight Novel trotted along towards her room in the Cantaloupe Palace. Three ponies noticed her and caught up.

“Hey Twilight!” one of them yelled. “Moonflasher’s havin’ a drinking contest in the west castle courtyard! Wanna try your luck?”

“Nah, I’ve got some catching up to do,” she replied.

“You mean those novels you’ve been reading?” the stranger pony asked. “I swear; you care more about your stories than your pals!”

“Blah, blah, blah,” Twilight mocked as she headed up the stairs.

Twilight Novel was not a physically impressive unicorn. Her skinny frame was covered in a pale violet coat and a dark bluish-purple mane and tail. She wore braces in her mouth and a pair of big dorky glasses on her face. Her magic butt tattoo was also unimpressive: it just looked like someone had poured glitter in her toilet and it had splashed on her as she took a dump. Some ponies believe that’s exactly what happened. Now, back to the story…

Twilight Novel bounded up the stairs and into her room. “Okay,” she sighed to herself, “time for a new story.” She shuffled through the enormous pile of books, hoping to find something she hadn’t read yet. “Ah, here’s something,” she said at last. “’The Mare in the Moon’? Sounds interesting.” She started to read:
“Legend says that on Middle-of-Summer Day in the year 12345, Dominatrix Moon will escape from her time-out corner on the moon and create a reeeeeally long night. Huh, I wonder why the writer put so many ‘e’s in ‘really’. Oh, and what a coincidence! The date in there is tomorrow. Oh well, at least it’s not real.” She closed the book, but noticed a library label on its binder. “Non-fiction?! How did this end up in here? This is totally lame. I’m taking this back.” She turned and saw her pet iguana Mike staring at her. “What?” she asked. After a moment’s pause, she sighed. “You’re right. I really should warn the princess or something first. All right, take a note:

“Dear Princess; I read that Dominatrix Moon’s gonna show up in a few days. Shouldn’t you do something about that?” She looked up. “Got that, Mike?” she asked. “Mike? …Stupid mike!” she exclaimed. “I hate these talk-to-type programs! Ugh, looks like I’m doing this myself.” She began typing on her keyboard, despite not having fingers. “All right, aaaand… send! Okay, now that I’ve got that out of the way, I can get back to my reading!”

She resumed her search, but was immediately interrupted by a chime from her computer. “A response already?” she exclaimed. “But Princess Trollestia never answers my emails!” She opened up the email and began to read: “Dear Twilight Novel: I don’t care about your stories. I’m ordering you to go outside and get some fresh air right now!”

“Crap,” Twilight muttered.

Twilight Novel found herself riding to Pokeyville in the back of a police cruiser. She wasn’t in trouble or anything; she was just along for the ride. “Sure is nice of you to check on the Middle of Summer Day party,” the deputy said to her. “I love it when the young ponies volunteer for things. It makes our job so much easier.”

“I didn’t volunteer. The princess signed me up,” she grumbled.

“Well, it’s nice anyway,” the sheriff answered.

As they pulled up to a building, Twilight Novel climbed out of the car. “Thanks for the ride, sheriff,” she sighed.

“Not a problem, little filly,” the sheriff replied as he climbed out of the driver’s seat. “We were on our way to our AA meeting anyway.”

“To supervise?” Twilight asked. The sheriff and his deputy simply laughed.

The deputy noticed a slight swagger in the sheriff’s step, so he asked, “Hey sheriff, did you fall off the wagon again?”

“I dunno,” the sheriff replied. “I’m too drunk to remember.”

Twilight Novel grabbed her lizard and fled for her life.

The first place Twilight headed to was the library. The librarian graciously offered to let her stay there as a tenant. She gladly accepted the offer. She didn’t bother asking about the rent, though, since she planned on charging it to Princess Trollestia’s royal account anyway. The princess had no idea that Twilight had her PIN number and credit card info. After settling in, she headed to city hall to check the list of planned activities. She gave it a cursory glance, and then headed off to work. Feeling hungry, she decided to check on the food first, hoping for the possibility of mooching a free meal while she was at it.

Along the way, she passed a strange-looking pony. She was pink all over, with a vacant expression on her face and a magic butt tattoo depicting three colorful burgers. Twilight tried to greet her, but the mare simply screamed and ran away. Shrugging it off as some kind of mental disorder, she continued on her way.

When she arrived at the orchard, she was greeted by a weird orange pony with freckles, a cowgirl hat, and a butt tattoo resembling a corporate logo of an apple with a bite in it. “Hey there!” the stranger yelled, “My name’s Apple Peel! Welcome to the Fruit Farm!”

“I’m right next to you! Do you really have to yell?” Twilight asked.

“Of course I do! Come on, I’ll show you what’s cookin’!” she yelled again.

Never one to pass up free food, Twilight decided to follow the demented pony. They entered a kitchen. The first (and only) noticeable feature of the room was that it was filled with smoke. “Here we are!” Apple Peel yelled. She pulled something out of the oven. “Here ya go! Fresh apple pie, straight from the oven!”

“That looks like something Mike used to leave on my bed while I was away,” Twilight noted with disgust. Mike, however, simply grabbed the concoction with his tongue and ate it.

A large stallion rushed in with a fire extinguisher and covered the entire kitchen with white foam. “What did I tell you about using the oven?!” he scolded.

“To not to,” Apple Peel admitted.

“Out!” he ordered. After she had run outside, the stallion turned to Twilight Novel. “Sorry about that,” he said. “She can be a bit of a hassle sometimes.”

“I noticed,” Twilight said with disdain.

“My name’s Big Windows. Is there anything I can do to make up for this?” he asked.

There was only one thing she wanted. After a huge meal (free of charge), she left the farm and decided to find an activity with a little more sanity.

By the time she got back to Pokeyville, her mind had begun to wander. As she daydreamed, she didn’t notice the pegasus pony in front of her.

“Watch it!” the pegasus yelled.

“Sorry,” she replied sheepishly. She looked the pony over. She had a grayish blue coat and a multicolored mane and tail. She wore the pony equivalent of a suit and tie. Like most pony outfits, however, the suit did not include pants, which left her butt tattoo exposed. It depicted a judge’s gavel over a lightning bolt, the two of them roughly resembling an x-shape. Remembering why she was here, she added, “I’m Twilight Novel. I’m here to check up on the party. And you are…?”

“Brainbow Bash,” the pegasus replied.

“Aren’t you in charge of the weather?” Twilight asked.

“That is affirmative,” the other pony answered. “All hydrogen hydroxide condensation levels in the local atmosphere are now within the specified parameters.”

Twilight simply replied, “Huh?”

“I’m done,” she clarified.

“Good. Well, I’m off then,” Twilight said.

“Honestly, it’s like attempting to communicate with a solid mineral composite,” Brainbow Bash groaned.

Walking a little further, Twilight noticed a fellow unicorn setting up a t-shirt booth. The pony was white, with a short-cropped purple mane and tail. Her butt tattoo depicted three gold-colored $ signs. “Hey there,” she called.

“Hi,” the strange unicorn replied. “You must be the inspector from Cantaloupe! I’m Rhapsidy, and I’ve got my company’s t-shirt stall ready to go!”

Twilight paused for a moment, looking it over. Then a thought occurred to her. “Why would your company have a t-shirt stall? Ponies don’t wear shirts,” she pointed out.

Rhapsidy paused, her eye twitching. Then she let out a roar of frustration and smashed the stall to pieces with a single kick. Mike, however, simply grabbed a t-shirt with his tongue and ate it.

“I know! I could give makeovers instead!” she exclaimed.

“What’s a makeover?” Twilight asked. She had never had one before.

“I’ll show you. Come on!” she urged. She grabbed Twilight Novel and pulled her into the nearby store. She pushed Twilight into a chair and strapped her in with the built-in restraints. Grabbing a makeup kit, she said, “Don’t worry, I’m a professional.”

After about twenty minutes of makeup application, an angry voice called out from the back room. “Rhapsidy, what are you doing?! There’s a mess outside that needs cleaned up! There’s no one at the register, either. Get back to work!”

“Sorry, boss!” she yelled, and she ran out of the room. Slipping a hoof out of its restraint, Twilight turned the chair towards a mirror. She let out a loud, high-pitched scream as she saw the crudely-drawn clown face that looked back at her.

After spending an hour cleaning off the mess Rhapsidy left on her face, Twilight decided to check on the music. She wandered into a forest clearing, where she heard some mysterious groans. “Hello?” she called.

“Oh crap, she’s here!” a female voice whispered. “Get out!”

“But I still have five minutes left,” another whispering voice protested, this one a male.

“GET OUT!” the first voice urged in a slightly louder whisper. A stallion leaped out of a bush and galloped away. After a few moments, a yellow pegasus strutted out of the same bush. She was wearing netted stockings held up by vinyl straps. She had on extra-thick red horseshoes, and she wore far too much lipstick, blush, and eye shadow. Her butt tattoo was covered by a black adhesive strip. Twilight had a hunch that she did not want to know what was underneath. “What do you want? I’m busy,” the pony grumbled.

“Yeah, I could see that,” Twilight noted. “I’m the inspector for the holiday celebration. And you would be…?”

“I’m F**kershy,” the yellow pegasus grumbled in reply.

Hoping to break the awkward silence, Twilight decided to skip the pleasantries and get down to business. “So, how’s the music coming?” she asked.

“Oh, you know, I like a lot of variety,” F**kershy said. “I’ve got some hip-hop prepared, some soft rock, rap… I even threw in some country songs and a classical piece for good measure!”

“Uh huh… You have no idea what you’re doing, so you haven’t even started yet,” Twilight said.

“Pretty much,” she replied, then asked, “What’s that thing on your back?”

“Oh, Mike? He’s my dragon assistant,” she said proudly. “He looks small now, but he’s just a baby. Someday he’ll be enormous!”

“Oooookay,” F**kershy said, now more than a little creeped out (which is not an easy state for her to achieve). She tried desperately to think of an excuse to get her to leave. Then, she had an idea. “Well… if he’s a baby, I suppose he’d better get to bed soon,” she suggested.

“Oh, you’re right!” Twilight gasped. “Come on, Mike! Let’s get you home!” She ran off towards her new library home.

Twilight Novel ran into the library, locked the door, and flipped the sign to “closed”. “Finally,” she gasped, “I’m away from those crazy ponies! Okay Mike, let’s get you to-”

(SPLAT!)

A large round piece of compressed food hit her on the face. “SURPRISE!” a strange pink pony yelled. “I’m Pukie Pie! Remember me? You said ‘hi’ and I said ‘eeek!’ and ran away! I noticed you’re new in town, so I decided to throw a huge patty for you!”

Removing the patty from her face, Twilight asked, “Don’t you mean a party? The expression is ‘throw a party’.”

(SPLAT!)

“No, silly! I meant a patty!” Pukey exclaimed. “I mean, you can’t throw a party! You’d have to have, like, a bajillion ponies just to pick the thing up!”

Sighing, Twilight peeled off the second patty. Once it was gone, though, she felt a horrendous burning sensation in her eyes. She screamed in pain and started running around in a panic. “Oh, you like it?” Pukey Pie asked. “I made that one out of habanero sauce!” Mike, however, simply grabbed the patties with his tongue and ate them.

Twilight Novel lay in her bed, staring at the ceiling. Downstairs, the ponies were having a wild party celebrating the upcoming holiday, and the screams of “Chug! Chug! Chug!” were keeping her awake. She waited for hours, until it finally died down. With a sigh, she finally closed her eyes.

(BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!)

Her alarm clock immediately started blaring, signaling that it was time for the actual ceremony to begin. With a groan, she cursed and climbed out of bed. She picked up her igua- I mean “baby dragon”, and shambled out the door, making her way to the city auditorium.

Inside, she found another party. This one was noticeably quieter than the one last night, likely due to the number of hangovers. Suddenly, an annoying pink face popped up in front of her. “Hey, Twilight!” Pukie Pie exclaimed. “Are you excited? I’m so excited! Everyone’s so excited!”

“Pukie, why are you yelling? Don’t you have a hangover like everyone else?” Twilight groaned.

“Of course not!” she squealed, “I was too busy eating patties to try any liquor! Of course, I had a HUGE tummy ache, but that’s nothing a little Mare-lanta couldn’t fix!”

The speakers squealed as the microphone on stage turned on, eliciting a collective pained groan from the crowd. After an apology, the mayor began her announcement: “Mares and stallions! Welcome to the Middle-of-Summer Day celebration! Today, we’ve got a special guest! Without further ado, here she is: our ruler, Princess Trollestia!” She motioned to the side of the stage and… nothing happened. There was no one there. The crowd murmured in confusion.

Suddenly, a poof of smoke erupted on stage. When it cleared, it revealed a large mare. She was a black winged unicorn, with a wispy purple mane and tail. Her butt tattoo looked like the Starfleet emblem worn on the uniforms of Star Trek characters. “I’m baaaaack!” she announced.

“Where is the princess?” Brainbow Bash demanded. “I’d like to remind you that abducting or harming a member of the royal family is punishable by a life sentence as a rodeo bronco!”

“Your princess? Why, am I not royal enough for you? Do you know who I am?” she asked.

(SPLAT!)

“You’re Patty-Face!” Pukey Pie yelled, eliciting a roar of laughter from the audience, followed by a collective groan as the noise from the laughter agitated their headaches.

“You’re Dominatrix Moon! I’ve read about you!” Twilight Novel declared.

Wiping the patty off her face, the dark horse sneered, “So I see someone remembers me!”

“Yeah, I’m missing a few pages from the book,” Twilight added, “so I thought I’d ask you… what happened to that hunky space-faring alien stallion?”

“What are you talking about?!” Dominatrix Moon demanded.

“You know, when you two went for a beautiful stroll along the lunar beach,” she explained. “So what happened? Did he express his undying love for you? Did you two share a passionate kiss? Did you… do it?”

“Kid, you have got to get out more,” the villain said in reply.

“So he dumped you?” Twilight asked.

The black alicorn could only facehoof.

Episode 11: Winter Rip-Off

A loud buzzing filled the bedroom as Twilight Novel’s alarm clock went off. She groggily climbed out of bed, turned it off, and nudged her roommate. “Come on. We gotta get up early today for that winter snow removal thing, or whatever it is,” she prodded.

“Ugh. Can’t you just use your magic to poof the snow away?” Scotty grumbled.

“I’m not doing this all by myself!” Twilight scoffed as she bundled up. Opening the door, she stepped out to face the day… only to find it was still dark. She returned to her room to see what the problem was. It was then that she noticed her clock was blinking 12:00. “FFFFFFUUUUU-”

Friendship is Overrated
Episode 11: Winter Rip-Off

A few hours later, Twilight Novel, Mike, and Scotty had arrived at the town meeting in front of the town hall. Twilight Novel noticed the vests everyone was wearing. She recalled from the flier she received that blue represented the environmental team, green for the botany team, and tan for the arboreal team. She then paused to wonder how she was able to remember such scientific terms, and shuddered as she realized that Trollestia was likely trying to turn her into some sort of nerd.

“This is boring,” Scotty whined.

“..and that’s why we need everyone’s help to pull this off. Let’s get this thing done right this time!” the mayor concluded her speech. The crowd gave a cheer, and then dispersed to do their assigned tasks. “Oh, who am I kidding? These idiots couldn’t wrap a burrito, let alone winter,” she mumbled.

“Well, I guess we’d better get to work,” Twilight sighed. As music began to play, she moaned at the incoming musical number.

“Where’s the YouPipe link?” Scotty wondered, “…Oh, please tell me the author is not making his own lyrics.”

As the ponies gathered around, Twilight turned to her friend and sighed, “I’m afraid so. Come on; let’s get this over with.

Three months of winter coldness
and frigid, snowy days…
We’ve kept our Corvettes warm at home
so they don’t rust away.
Now our cabin fever’s gettin’ bad,
but we can’t drive in this snow
So even though I love snow fights,
this winter’s got to go.

The time has come to welcome spring.
It’s about time, I say.
And it’s also time to say good bye.
Make this snow go away.
How should I help? I am not sure.
What am I supposed to do?
When can I fit in time for fanfics?
I haven’t got a clue!

Winter Wrap-Up, Winter Wrap-Up!
Let’s finish our cupcakes and beer.
Winter Wrap-Up, Winter Wrap-Up!
‘Cause tomorrow, spring is here!
‘Cause tomorrow, spring is here!

Bringing home the southern birds
from their vacation spots
Why do they get to go relax
while we work off our plots?
We move the clouds
and make the snow go away.
When the sun comes out,
It makes us feel good today.

Winter Wrap-Up, Winter Wrap-Up!
Let’s finish our cupcakes and beer.
Winter Wrap-Up, Winter Wrap-Up!
‘Cause tomorrow, spring is here!
‘Cause tomorrow, spring is here!

Little critters hibernate
in their underground dens.
We get them off their lazy plots.
I wish they’d help us then.
But we help them gather up their food
while they’re all on the loose.
We welcome back the southern birds
so that they can reproduce!

Winter Wrap-Up, Winter Wrap-Up!
Let’s finish our cupcakes and beer.
Winter Wrap-Up, Winter Wrap-Up!
‘Cause tomorrow, spring is here!
‘Cause tomorrow, spring is here!

No easy task to clear the ground.
Plant those tiny seeds.
Without my care and efforts,
everyone it feeds.
Hoes and plows and grinding wheels;
so much innuendo!
They all work so very hard
while they all want me to go!

Winter Wrap-Up, Winter Wrap-Up!
Let’s finish our cupcakes and beer.
Winter Wrap-Up, Winter Wrap-Up!
‘Cause tomorrow, spring is here!
‘Cause tomorrow, spring is here!

Now that I know what they all do,
I’m still in the same place.
I don’t know what I should do;
tough task ahead I face.
What will I do within this madness?
Is this what earth ponies do?
If it really is then I must
say to them, “Screw you!”
say to them, “Screw you!”

Winter Wrap-Up, Winter Wrap-Up!
Let’s finish our cupcakes and beer.
Winter Wrap-Up, Winter Wrap-Up!
‘Cause tomorrow, spring is here!
‘Cause tomorrow, spring is here!
‘Cause tomorrow, spring is heeeeeere!

“All right, time to make myself useful,” Twilight said with a hint of determination, knowing full well that said determination was not likely to last long. Looking around, she spotted Brainbow Bash spouting orders. “Hey, Bash, need some help?” she asked. Bash gave her a funny look. “Oh, right; no wings.”

“That’s not it. You can make wings with magic,” Brainbow replied, “It’s a liability thing. The law doesn’t allow violet-colored unicorn librarians with magic levels above nine thousand to assist in weather-related activities during Winter Wrap-Up.”

“That’s… oddly specific,” Twi noted. After another funny look from Bash, she realized, “Right; come to think of it, that does sound like the kind of law Trollestia would come up with.” With that, she wandered off to find someone else to help.

A few minutes later, she found Rhapsidy at a booth in front of the store. She was holding a clearance sale on winter items, as well as various sticks and pieces of string. “What’s with the sticks?” Twilight asked.

“I’m selling nest-building supplies for the birds,” she proclaimed.

“That’s ridicu-“ Twilight started to say, but was interrupted by a pair of robins. They landed on the table, picked up a few sticks, and dropped a few coins on the counter.

“Thank you!” the white unicorn called. Twilight trotted off, deciding this was too strange for her to help with. Mike, however, simply grabbed a few sticks with his tongue and ate them. “Hey! You have to pay for those!” Rhapsidy yelled, but they were already gone.

As Twilight Novel approached a frozen pond, she noticed movement on it s surface. Upon reaching the shore, she found the movement was Pukie Pie. She was sliding around on top of it with patties strapped to the bottoms of her hooves. “Hey, Pukie. So what the f**k are you doing?” she asked.

“Oh, I’m using the grease and salt in these patties to melt the ice,” Pukie replied.

“Won’t all that salt be harmful to the animals that rely on a freshwater environment?” the unicorn pointed out.

“NEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRD!!!” a mysterious voice was heard yelling.

As Pukie pondered Twilight’s words in confusion, she didn’t pay attention to where she was sliding until it was too late. She plowed right into Twilight Novel, sending them into a snowbank. When the flying ice crystals settled, they looked like a segmented snowman: Twilight on the bottom, Pukie in the middle, and Molestia on top.

Wait, what?

Indeed, the Princess of the Night was lying on top of the three ponies, a mischievous grin on her face. Upon noticing how close the three ponies’ rumps were in relation to each other, Pukie immediately squeezed out of the pile and ran away, screaming, “Bad touch! Bad touch!”

“Ugh, get off!” Twilight groaned.

“I’m trying,” the princess replied, “but your whining is such a turn-off!”

“What? No, not like that! You know what I meant!” the unicorn snapped.

After escaping the clutches of the Princess of Perverseness, Twilight Novel found herself amongst a large number of holes. Up ahead, a burst of smoke emerged from one, followed quickly by its inhabitants. Twilight quickly noticed the cause of the smoke as she spotted F**kershy lighting a smoke bomb and tossing it into yet another hole. “What are you doing?” the unicorn asked.

“Oh, hey, Twilight,” the pegasus replied, “I’m just waking up the animals from hibernation. They don’t listen very well, so I have to smoke ‘em out.”

“Sounds like fun! Can I try?” Twilight asked.

“Sure. Here, take this over there, light it, and toss it into one of those holes,” F**kershy instructed, pointing with her hoof.

Twilight Novel trotted over to where she pointed, lit the smoke bomb, and tossed it into a random hole. “No, not that one!” the pegasus shrieked, “That’s my-”

BOOOOOOM!!

“…ammo dump,” she finished.

Annoyed, Twilight Novel blinked a few times to remove the soot from her eyes. She shook herself to remove it from the rest of her, and trotted off in annoyance.

“So… tell me again why you’re not using magic,” Scotty inquired.

“I guess it’s a city ordinance or something. I don’t know,” Twilight sighed. Their musings were interrupted by an explosion just up ahead.

Running to the scene of the incident, they found several snowplows lined up and on fire. Apple Peel was running around and cursing up a storm.

“What in the world happened here?” Twilight Novel asked incredulously.

“The ponies in charge of snow removal assigned an idiot to coordinate the plowin’!” the farmer ranted.

“Who’d they pick?” Scotty asked.

“Me!” Apple Peel cried, “I mean, what were they thinkin’ puttin’ me in charge o’ heavy equipment?!”

“…Come on, Scotty. I think I know how to solve this dilemma,” the purple unicorn stated. Her confused roommate trotted after her.

“Brainbow Bash!” the voice of a familiar farm pony called out, “We need to get these clouds moved, pronto! The plows broke down and nopony’s in shape enough to shovel the snow away.”

“Uh, okay, I suppose I could arrange for it to be moved up in the schedule,” the blue pegasus began, but was interrupted by another voice.

“Brainbow Bash! I ran out of smoke bombs,” F**kershy explained, “We need to postpone the cloud removal, or I won’t get the animals out in time.”

The legal expert moaned and facehoofed as the mayor approached the scene. “What’s the problem this time?” she asked.

Apple Peel and F**kershy started arguing, trying to explain their point of view. That is, until a loud rumbling silenced them. As they looked on, several heavy construction vehicles roared past, along with a few hundred workers. “What’s going on here?” the mayor wondered.

Twilight Novel approached them and started explaining, “Well, during my bumbling attempts to help with the wrap-up, I noticed one inescapable fact: everypony is almost as incompetent at their tasks as I am. So, I pulled a few strings to hire some contractors to do the job right.”

“Where’d you get the money to do that?” Brainbow asked suspiciously.

“I went over the budget and took it out of the huge bonus check the mayor always gives herself every year,” Twilight replied. Everypony present glared at the mayor, who grinned sheepishly.

“I’m impressed,” Bash complimented. “I didn’t think you had it in you.”

“Well, after hanging around the ruler of our country for most of my life, even I was bound to pick up a few things,” Twilight bragged.

Today’s Moral: Ponyville ponies’ skills aren’t worth sh**.

Author's Note

In case you hadn't noticed, I've temporarily skipped Episode 10. I can't get into why without spoilers.

I've really been looking forward to this one. I've had those lyrics stuck in my head for quite a while.

As for what made Episode 8 special... It's a lipogram, a work in which one particular letter is completely excluded. In this case, the chapter includes every letter in the English alphabet except the letter "k".