Spike the Racist Dragon

by Puppo530

Rating: everyone
Tags: Pipsqueak, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy
Length: 1338

After getting rejected by Rarity, Spike insists that all unicorns are evil. He racistly rampages.

Spike was once again rejected by Rarity. Fueled by hatred, he insists that all unicorns are pure evil. He begins to rampage murderously, sending everypony up into a dither. But, when he is chased away, will he be able to come back to reality and stop being so racist?

If you can't tell from the title alone, this is based off Flight of the Conchord's song "Albi the Racist Dragon". Go check it out here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLltYjpxpwI

Published 2013-07-10 21:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-07-10 21:40:01 UTC

Chapter 6 : The Very Scary Cave

Spike the Racist Dragon

Let's just have a review of where we left off:

Chapter 1 : Sick, Hormonal Babies
Spike was feeling rather lovestruck lately. Maybe it was because it was the dragon's mating season time (even though he is not even old enough to mate, that sick, hormonal baby). Maybe it was because Rarity was just looking particularly hot. Or maybe it was because he'd recently been seeing Twilight with her love interest, and began to get jealous.

Chapter 2 : Obvious Confessions
So Spike went over to the Carousel Boutique to confront her. He confessed her love while she worked on her dress. She was so unsurprised (really, it had been obvious) that she responded quickly and sternly. She said something along the lines of "I hate you, you big, fat, ugly, baby dragon," (or at least that's what Spike heard). He then proceeded to cry his eyes out.

Chapter 3 : Racistly Racist
Spike was crying his eyes out when Twilight came home with her *shudder* love interest who was some colt Spike didn't care about. Twilight was practically rubbing it in his face, with all the kissing and such that they were doing. He just got so furious. It was then that he decided that all unicorns were evil, because he hadn't seen any earth ponies or pegasi act the same way. This was the beginning of his racist racism.

Chapter 4 : Rampaging Gyrados-style
So Spike grew in the usual manner a dragon does when he feels overwhelming greed or anger. He then began to rampage in a manner that is not unlike a Gyrados (you know, from Pokemon, yeah, you remember, ah, those were the days). For some reason, he only targeted unicorns (though it's obvious to us, because I just told you).

Chapter 5 : Burnt to a Crisp
Spike continued rampaging when a British foal came up to him, asking something about candy. He got so angry at the British pony, quite racistly I might add, so he blew all sorts of dragon fire on that little brat. He was burnt to a crisp (get it? burnt to a 'crisp'? like chips but in England? you're laughing). The little British foal ran out of town, crying like a baby. Well, I guess he was crying like a foal. But still, he was a big wuss.

And finally, the concluding chapter:

Chapter 6
The Very Scary Cave

"RAWR!" went the racist dragon. Spike, who was now a huge dragon (but we all knew that, right?), stomped on the ground and scared some ponies off. Some ants might have died. Who really cares. "I'm gonna eat all you unicorns up!" he said, also quite racistly. What is with this guy and being racist? Such a racist jerk. He should really be taught some manners. He needs to be taught about respecting the rights of other citizens of Ponyville.

To teach him said manners, or to run him out of town or something like that, a large crowd of ponies gathered at his huge feet. He tried to stomp on them, but they just ran out of the way of his gigantic feet, which were incredibly easy to spot and therefore easy to run away from. This made him angry, which made him stomp his feet more. It was an endless cycle that eventually came to an end. The ponies yelled at Spike quite a bit. They yelled mean things like, "Get out of here you racist dragon!" and "Leave now and never come back!" and also "You're face is stupid!" and other such hurtful things.

Spike was such a huge and total wuss that he started to cry dragon tears, which as we all know turn into fireballs of death. Unfortunately for Spike, big, flaming balls of huge fire and gigantic spheres of flames are pretty easy to spot from twenty kilometers (fifty bajillion miles) up, so the ponies easily ran out of the way of those too. This made Spike cry more, which caused another endless cycle that also ended with more hurtful remarks about how stupid his face looked (even though it did look very stupid, it still isn't nice).

Spike was so upset and had such a stupid face that he decided to do the only viable option to him, run away. So he did. He ran away and while he was running he was stomping on the ground. I don't think I have to go into why nopony died from this because I discussed it in great detail earlier. You don't want to go over that yet again, do you? I thought not. Anywhey, he ran awhey to some cave thing. It was also very scary, hence the name of this chapter, duh. How come you didn't figure that out?

So he ran in there and he began to cry some more, but this time he just cried regular jellybeans like what a normal dragon would cry. It was as he was stupidly crying with his stupid face in a stupidly scary cave in the stupid Everfree Forest that he heard a noise coming from behind him. It was the noise of some small British foal whom he thought he had killed earlier. Apparently not. Too bad, Spike. Apparently you're not even good at burning British foals who call chips crisps (you weirdos).

The foal was all like, "Why are you crying, Spike?"

And Spike was all like, "Those ponies called my face stupid. That's why I'm crying you insufferable idi-"

"Even though it is stupid, that wouldn't explain why you're crying."

Spike cried some more before responding with, "It's because they don't want me in Ponyville, that's why. It's probably because I'm so racist that they don't want me there. I guess I'll just live out the rest of my miserable live in this very scary cave." Man, he was so racist.

The British foal jumped fifty bajillion miles (two meters) into the air and gave Spike a huge slap on his stupid face. Pippington British Hooves landed gracefully and then struck an awesome ninja-like pose. After doing all of this, he returned to normal and calmly said to Spike, "No it's not. They chased me here too when I got all disfigured like this. It's just that... you and I... we're different from them, " laughed the foal.

Spike looked down at the insufferable idiot and said, "I'm pretty sure you're dead wrong. I'm pretty sure it's because I'm so racist against unicorns. Maybe if I stop being so racist, everypony would like me again." It was true. He was chased out of town because he was racist. That foal was just an idiot, so don't worry about it.

So Spike did some stuff that was nice to unicorns. He shrunk himself too so that ponies wouldn't be so afraid of him. He also burnt that little British foal so that he was really dead all the way. And he also did some other cool stuff, I'm not really sure on what's happening right now. Some kind of ballet? Anywho, this is the end.

His scar had not pained him for nineteen years. All was well.

Author's Note

Morals of the story:
- Don't insult a dragon's face, it's not nice
- Don't burn British people to crisps simply so you can make fun of them for calling chips crisps (even though it is super weird)
- Don't make a dragon sad, they just cry big, flaming balls of huge fire and gigantic spheres of flames
- If you're going to try to kill someone, finish the job
- Only British foals can correctly convert from the Metric System to the Imperial System, so don't even try it
- Bajillion is totally a word
- British people don't know the real reason why people chase them out of town

This is such a stupid story. If you say otherwise I will take offense to it.