The Life and Times of a Pony Psychologist

by Stannis Baratheon

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Slice of Life, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 2296

Follow Quick Finder as he goes through some of the ponies that have gone nuts.

Quick Finder is a simple unicorn from Ponyville; working as the regularly peaceful town's psychologist. But when an opportunity in Manehatten springs up he take the opportunity to become a bigshot. He quickly learns that the life of a psychologist is everything but sane.

Edit: I do apologize for not updating. I've been quite busy. Conquering Westeros takes some time you know.

Published 2012-09-11 04:24:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-09-11 04:24:01 UTC

Arrival and First Case

Arrival and Case One

“Please Mr. Finder, have a seat.” A true brown earth pony stallion with intelligent green eyes that were slightly enlarged by the glasses he wore said, gestured at the high chair that was situated across from him. A younger stallion, a unicorn with a pale yellow coat and blue eyes, who had been hovering at the edge of the exquisitely furnished room for the past minute quickly sat down.

“Of course Mr...” He paused, not knowing the older stallion’s name.

“Back, Stiff Back.” The older stallion replied, “Listen, you’re going to have to learn my name if you want to work here.”

“So that means I get the job?” Quick Finder asked, hopefully. He had wanted to join the very small amount of psychologist that existed in Equestria. In the older building situated in Manehatten, across from the Airship Station which had carried Quick Finder to Manehatten from his home town in Ponyville.

The small town, with the exception of the occasional breakdown by the librarian, the timekeeper’s strange behaviour and obsession with his blue police call box and the usual antics of Pinkie Pie, was dull and peaceful. It wasn’t exactly the place where he could develop a portfolio to be accepted as the Royal Psychologist. A position that brought instant prestige and the ability to get millions of bits on one prince who would ramble about how everypony hated him and he didn’t understand why mares didn’t want to be his escort.

“Well Mr. Finder, do you see any other applicants?” Stiff Back asked sarcastically, gesturing to the empty room. A receptionist was sitting down behind a desk at the front entrance of the office, scribbling away on a piece of paper in front of her.

“No Mr. Back, I don’t see anyone but myself.”

“Good, you’re hired. Report here tomorrow at Nine A.M sharp. Any questions.” Stiff Back started to get back to his work, picking up a quill in his hoof and scanning through the short list of clients. As a rule the agency wasn’t given the client’s true name, as a way to keep privacy, but instead names such as ‘Dawn’ and ‘Shadow’ appeared. The applicant shuffled and Stiff Back glanced up to see what his problem was.

Quick Finder hesitated for a second, the earth pony was seemingly hard at work, sorting through a paper, wondering if he should ask the question that had been on his mind the second he’d seen the ad in a newspaper, “Mr. Back. I’m sorry to trouble you...” He began, before pausing again, Stiff Back nodded, twirling his empty hoof in a circle to signal for the younger stallion to continue. “Well, what happened to the last one, I mean my predecessor?”

“Ah, she went off to Ponyville to investigate something about a killing.” Stiff Back replied.

It was true, he thought. His former junior psychologist, a mare by the name of Mind Wrap, had left to the small town near the center of Equestria after reports of a deranged mare that was killing ponies and turning them into cupcakes had turned up. It was part of the agency’s duties to, aside from sit around and wait for clients to come to them, do field work such as the kind he had assigned Mind Wrap to. Investigate, diagnose, attempt to help and if unable to, contact the authorities. Mind Wrap hadn’t returned from the assignment, and he had been overworked by the cases coming in. So he had decided to place an ad for a new psychologist.

Unexpectedly Quick Finder sighed, shaking his head. Stiff Back scrunched his brow, looking at the younger stallion expectantly and silently asking to elaborate. Suddenly the yellow unicorn started laughing, “What’s so funny?” He asked.

“It looks like the Cake’s gossip got out of hoof.” The other stallion hooted, giggling like a school filly, “All Pinkie wanted was some rainbow from Cloudsdale for some added spice to her cupcakes. Rainbow Dash came into the bakery at night, and then of course Pinkie and Twilight were doing their thing and-”

“You’re familiar with this case?” Stiff Back interrupted.

“Yep, I just dismissed it as your average day in Ponyville. There’s a lot of ‘crazy’ ponies but it’s nothing a psychologist can fix,” He gave one last chuckle before stopping, “So that’s why I came here.”

Stiff Back nodded, grinding his teeth, “And did you so happen to see a pink mare with a blue mane and a lemonade pitcher as a cutie mark arrive before you left?”

“Ya, I saw her around town. She was a little stressed from what I could tell, and last I heard she had decided to move to Ponyville, something about city life being too hard. Why you asking?”

“Oh, no reason. She was just your predecessor.” The older earth pony got up and trotted over to a small cabinet located behind his desk. He pulled out a key and unlocked it, taking out two small glasses and a bottle of a transparent brown liquid. He gestured at the bottle.

“Want some?”

“No thanks, I’m good. Don’t drink that heavily.”

“Fine, all the more for me. Listen Mr. Finder.”

“Finder is fine.” Quick Finder interrupted, “If I am going to be working here we must develop a working relationship with each other.”

“Alright; Finder. You’re going to be filling in some very big horse shoes. Forget those cases on your portfolio that you did in Ponyville; you’re going to be getting some real nutjobs. Faust Complexes, narcissists, ponies that don’t want our help. Can you handle it?” He took a sip of the brandy that was inside the glass, allowing it to light a fire in his stomach. The yellow stallion nodded,

“I’m ready Mr. Back.”

“Good. Your first case is one that was waiting in the wings for a while. Guy’s name is Dusk. Younger pony, about fifteen. Pegasus. Parents recommended him and we were asked to be careful. He won’t exactly want to be there. OK?”

“Whatever you say.”

Quick Finder was hoofing through the few documents in Dawn’s profile when the stallion walked in. He set the papers on his new desk down. His initial assessment was quick: full of himself, cocky, going to be a real problem.

“Please, sit down Mr... Dusk, is it?”

“I don’t want to sit.” The pegasus replied bluntly, flicking his red mane away from his eyes. A lime green coat nearly too bright for Quick Finder to look at nearly lit up the room; reflecting the light that was streaming in from the west facing window. “I don’t want to by here little gelding.”

Quick Finder snorted at the pegasus’s crude name. “Listen, I’m sure that you’re just saying that because you don’t like ponies like us? Right?”

“Yes. Cause you all sucks. My stupid parents wants me to be here.” Dusk smashed his hoof down into the wood floor, causing the sound to reverberate through the building. Quick Finder saw the receptionist, a mare called Shutterspeed, glance at the room. She got up and trotted into the room, holding a piece of paper. Avoiding the raging pegasus she dropped the paper on the unicorn’s desk before cantering out, much faster than she had entered. He turned the page over, reading through it. It was an evaluation by Dusk’s school counselor. He sighed. It had only a few lines written on it.

Mr. Daybreak has been experiencing signs of a high Faust Complex; at one point mouthing off to his teacher because he believed that his style of writing should be acceptable, even though his Language Arts teacher has stated that his grammar was unacceptable. He believes himself to be better than most of the students at the school, to the extent of ordering them around and assaulting them.

Good Luck (You’ll need it)

Ms. Balance.

“So, Dusk. Can I call you Dusk?”

“No, it not my real name. Real name is Daybreak. Only that stupid pony out there call me Dusk. And you aswell so you stupid too.”

Quick Finder tilted his head back; suddenly understanding why the former receptionist had decided to stay in Ponyville. Celestia have mercy. He thought.

“Alright.” Quick Finder glanced at the paper again, “It says here, Mr. Daybreak, that you seem to be suffering from a Faust Complex.”

“You listen to stupid teacher. You stupid too you stupid gelding.”

“I’m not a gelding.” Quick Finder stated, slowly getting angry at the pegasus.

“Yes you are you stupid. You gelding because I say so.”

“You seem to have no respect at all.” The unicorn muttered out loud. The pegasus glared at him.

“There you go. Insulting me cause you little foal. So childish. Going and insulting me.” Daybreak growled, edging towards the desk. I’ve got to be at least five years older than this foal. Quick Finder rolled his eyes silently, waiting for his first client’s rant to end.

“Listen. Mr. Daybreak. I’m here to help ponies like you. You can’t just go insulting people and then not expect to get a retribution.”

“You start it. I just talk back.” Daybreak snapped, taking another step towards the desk.

“And how, pray tell, did I start it?” Quick Finder asked, spreading his hooves.

“You stupid. You call me stupid Dusk.”

“Well that was because of client confidenci-”

“You call me stupid name stupid. You stupid to be so stupid.” Daybreak growled.

“Alright Mr. Daybreak. I apologize for saying the name that I was told to say. Now please for the love of Luna sit down and lets talk this out. I’m sure you're a good colt-”

“I am. I’m best colt in school.” Daybreak grinned, no doubt at the empty flattery.

“But you have to be more civil. Ponies don`t like ponies like you. It’s a simple fact of life.”

“So. I no hurt anyone. Who cares about my ego. I don’t. I can do anything. And life. Ha.” He laughed.

The unicorn pressed on, trying to act undeterred by the pony’s obvious idiocy, “You’re hurting yoursel-” Quick Finder was suddenly cut off by the pegasus bounding over his desk and throwing him to the floor.

“Stupid gelding. I don’t need your help. I am best foal in school and I don’t give damn what you say about me. You stupid geld-” He was cut off by a soft whump, followed by the pegasus falling on top of him. A small dart stuck out of his back. Quick Finder pushed the now unconscious colt off of him and got back onto his hooves, seeing Shutterspeed standing at the doorway, a small dart gun obscuring most of her face.

“Thanks.” He grumbled weakly. The receptionist spat out the gun, putting it in her hooves.

“We get those types of roudy types all the times. Fast acting tranquilizers are good in those situations.” A slight glint in her eyes manifested itself as she spoke the words.

Suddenly Stiff Back came racing into the room, wondering what the commotion was. Seeing the green pegasus on the floor he rolled his eyes.

“How bad was he?” He asked Quick Finder. The unicorn shrugged.

“Oh, he didn’t give a flying feather about anything.”

“Ah, I see. First case is always the worse Finder. It’ll get easier, and from what I’ve seen on this guy’s evaluation I wasn’t very hopeful that he’d be able to be negotiated with. I was expecting him to walk out the door and for you to right a little report about his psychological conditions, but I guess he was a bit too unhinged. Don’t you agree.”

“Of course.” Quick Finder nodded. Shutterspeed trotted back to her desk, pulling out a form and hoofing it to Quick Finder. He scanned through it; it already had the colt’s name, covered by a simple tag that said ‘Dusk’ and information about him. A small sticky note; neon blue in colour; was located beside the only blank space. Psychologist recommendations

He thought about what to put for a second; before levitating a pen from his desk and scribbling a few notes down on it. Faust Complex, emotionally unstable, can’t take criticism. He signed it and gave it back to Shutterspeed, who flew back to her desk and put it in a cabinet. Turning back to the neon green pegasus Quick Finder levitated him onto his back before dumping him into the front room.

“How long until somepony picks him up?” He asked, careful to keep his eyes on the slumbering pony.

“Parents would be back in two hours.” Shutterspeed replied, carefully extracting the dart from Daybreak’s back. She set it down on her desk, careful not to touch the still active tranquilizer liquid.

“Oh, goody, hopefully he won’t be awake when that happens.” Finder joked.

“Ah, three hours before it wears off.” The mare replied, already getting back to her paperwork. Quick Finder nodded and trotted back to his office, finding Stiff Back still in there.

“Umm... sorry sir. It wasn’t my fault.” The unicorn meekly tried to apologize.

“Of course, I’m trying to find your next case, no fieldwork yet but I heard that there’s somepony that believes she’s an alicorn. You up to it after that berserker?”

“Ya, I guess. When she arriving?”

“Oh, about five minutes. Clean yourself up and straighten your desk. You must look professional.” With that the brown earth pony walked out, leaving the unicorn alone in his room. He pulled out the small mirror he had found in his desk and looked at his mane: aside from a few messed strands it was decent. Straightening them he sat down and looked across from Manehatten towards where Ponyville lay.

I wonder if Mind Wrap wants some company? He contemplated.