Rifts To Cross, Mountains To Climb
Princess Twilight Sparkle stood outside the room of her new friend and student, Starlight Glimmer. It was the day after the unicorn had seen the error of her ways and had decided to embrace true friendship. It was also ten in the morning and she hadn’t come out of her room even once, which had Twilight worried. Maybe Starlight just wasn’t a morning pony and tended to sleep in; maybe she was still tired from all the happenings of yesterday. There could be any number of reasons for her to stay in her room this late in the morning, but Twilight had to make sure she was alright.
She raised a hoof and knocked on the door three times.
“Starlight, are you alright?” she asked.
There was no answer from the other side of the door. Maybe she was still asleep.
“Are you awake?”
Okay that was a stupid question.
Still, no answer came. Twilight became even more worried.
“I’m coming in,” she said before slowly opening the door with her magic. She peered inside.
Sunlight shone through a window in the wall to the left, the crystal the room was made of catching its rays and scattering it about to light up the room with a light that was, somehow, both bedazzling and not blinding. But what caught Twilight’s gaze was Starlight Glimmer lying on her side on the bed with the covers drawn up to her neck, staring off into nothing, her pupils the size of pinpricks. At first Twilight thought she was dead and her heart almost stopped, but the slight rise and fall of Starlight’s right side indicated otherwise and she calmed down.
“Starlight?” said Twilight as she opened the door further and stepped inside. “Are you alright?”
Starlight only blinked. Whether it was in acknowledgement or because she needed to blink, Twilight didn’t know. She trotted over to stand in front of her. She didn’t know what to do. She didn’t know if she should prod her to see if she responded or if she should wait or convince her to talk or―
“No.” Starlight’s voice was soft, almost a whisper. It made Twilight even more worried.
"What's wrong?" asked Twilight. A million possibilities ran through her mind as she tried to figure out what could be wrong with her new friend. Was she sick? Was she possessed? Did she have a nightmare and was now in shock?
"I…" uttered Starlight. "I don't know. There's… so many things."
A panic attack? Starlight didn't seem like the type of pony to be prone to anxiety, but then again Twilight had only really known her for a day. If it was a panic attack, Twilight thought she at least had some idea of how to handle it, seeing as she herself was prone to them. But then again, she’d never been in what seemed to be a catatonic state.
"It's alright," said Twilight as she trotted towards and sat down at the foot of the bed, keeping her eyes on her student. "You can just start from the beginning, or wherever you want."
Starlight took a deep breath through her nose, then exhaled slowly through her mouth. Twilight expected her to start talking after that, but instead there was perhaps half a minute of silence during which she thought she could hear the crystal settling.
"It's… just hitting me like a brick right now."
"What is?"
"The… the whole friendship thing."
Starlight shivered under the covers and curled up a bit tighter. Twilight wanted to say that she didn’t understand what she meant but decided against it.
"I… I was so convinced that cutie marks only ruined friendships and divided ponies, I thought that every pony would be better off without them. That it would bring harmony and ponies wouldn't be hurt anymore.” She swallowed. “That I wouldn't be hurt anymore."
"But you've told me this before,” said Twilight. “And then I convinced you that true friendship is not only possible with cutie marks, but also because of it."
There was a moment of silence before Starlight responded. "I know."
"And you were so happy! We sang a song and everything!"
"I know. But… I didn't realize it yesterday."
"Realized what?"
"That…"
Starlight paused. She didn’t know how to say what she wanted to say. This… thing had been running through her head so much and she'd gone over it so many times, yet she still didn't know how to explain it.
Twilight almost heaved a sigh of relief when she started again.
"That I'm messed up and that true friendship is such a far cry from what I was doing. I was so wrong! So damn wrong that I have no idea if I'll ever be able to be different from what I was! There's such a big rift between the two it's stifling!"
"But… you were so happy yesterday."
"Because I wasn't thinking! I was so caught up in the singing and dancing and the possibilities of friendship that I didn't even consider the monumental task that lay ahead of me! Or maybe it was just so far in the back of my mind that I could ignore it. I don't know! All I know is that it's too much! It's too big of a change!"
"It's okay, Starlight—"
"No it's not!” she cried as she shot up into a sitting position, the fear in her eyes replaced by anger. Twilight flinched. “I started a cult by convincing ponies that cutie marks are a burden and that getting rid of them would give them freedom! I wholeheartedly believed that to be the truth. I believed that for years. I spent years putting actual thought and effort into researching cutie marks and how to spread my ideology and getting others on my side! I…"
Starlight's eyes went wide. She looked down at her hooves, mouth agape.
"I hurt ponies. I took away their cutie marks; took away who they were and made them like blank canvases, but still somehow retaining some part of their personalities, enough to be aware that they were now different from how they were with their marks. They got those parts of themselves back, so they were probably healed from that, but…"
Starlight looked up from her hooves and stared at Twilight.
"Twilight, how did it feel to have your cutie mark removed?"
Twilight's pupils widened in shock as memories surfaced; memories and feelings she'd tried to ignore.
She tore her gaze away from Starlight and stared at the floor.
"It..." she started. "I won't lie to you, Starlight: it was the worst thing I'd ever experienced. It was like a part of me was being torn off; not just my cutie mark, but something else; something deeper."
It was something she and her friends had discussed shortly after their return from Starlight’s village; something that had seemed to affect her more than the others at the time. It had taken quite some time for them to process it and she didn't know if she or any of her friends successfully had. She'd hoped so.
She paused and took a deep breath.
"My special talent is magic. Because of that, I'm more attuned to it than other ponies. That includes my inner magic. When you removed our cutie marks, we all felt something of ourselves leaving with them; something of our innate magic that makes us who we are.
"When my cutie mark was removed, it was like forgetting how to breathe; like I remembered that breathing existed as a concept, and I knew that I had lungs; everything was there, but I couldn’t use it. A part of me wasn't there anymore, something so integral to who I am that to lose it would be almost like dying. A part of me was gone.
"Starlight, it felt like the mental equivalent of having your leg cut off. That's the only way I can really describe it."
Twilight looked back up at Starlight. The unicorn’s eyes had become clouded as she listened and was staring at Twilight in horror. She looked down at her hooves.
"Oh Celestia," breathed Starlight. "It… It's…"
It was bigger. The gap between the type of pony she was and the pony she should be was bigger than she'd thought. Impossibly so. What type of pony would cause that much physical and emotional pain for their own ends?
She remembered all the nights she'd spent by candlelight studying cutie mark magic, all the time she’d spent drafting spells and plans. The years she spent trying to figure out how to remove the cutie mark from a pony.
"I went down that far?" she whispered. "How… How can I ever—"
Her throat hitched and she grit her teeth. She felt her hooves shaking.
"How can I ever become someone who's worthy of being called a friend? How can I—"
She felt two forelegs wrap around her. She didn't resist; she simply sat and stared in surprise.
"The way I see it," said Twilight, "you're already out of the hole. The fact that you realize that what you did was wrong and that it hurt others and that you regret it and are appalled by what you did is proof enough that you're not the same pony who removed other ponies' cutie marks; you're already better than that. You're out of the hole, Starlight."
Tears began to form in Starlight's eyes as the emotions began to rise up in her chest.
"But," she squeaked. "But th-there's still a m-mountain."
"I know. And you've got seven friends to help you climb it."
The tears flowed down Starlight's cheeks as the floodgates opened and she threw her forelegs around Twilight. All the pent up fear and feelings she couldn't identify poured out of her as she cried.
Neither mare knew how long they held each other and cried. The only thing that indicated that time was passing for Starlight was the growing damp patch on her left shoulder. When Starlight's sobbing died down to a sniffle, Twilight pulled away. She tilted her head and looked into her friend's eyes.
"Do you feel better?" asked Twilight.
"Yeah," Starlight sniffed. "A bit. Thanks."
"You're welcome." Twilight wiped her eyes with a foreleg, then hopped off the bed. "Now come on. Spike made pancakes, and you're going to need your strength for the day ahead."
“Wait.” There was something Starlight needed to know; something else that had been gnawing at her mind. “Do you hate me for what I did to you and your friends?”
Twilight thought for a moment.
“No,” she replied. All the years she’d spent being friends with Applejack had taught her it was always better to tell the truth. “I did at first, but after talking with my friends, especially Fluttershy, I forgave you for what you did.”
“Oh.” Starlight paused. “Thank you.”
"Hey, that's what friends do." Twilight smiled and trotted out of the room.
Starlight sat in her bed and looked up to the ceiling, thinking to herself. She had a long road ahead of her, but knowing she wasn't alone and that she had friends she could count on to help her along, made her determined to move forward.
Maybe it'll all be alright.
Author's Note
Constructive criticism is appreciated.
