Efficiency

“Pinkie Pie?” Twilight says incredulously.

“Indeed,” Rarity confirms. “Quite possibly the most useless pony in Ponyville. Think about it Twilight, all day long she wastes valuable resources making pies, and cakes and desserts, none of which are healthy in any way. Not to mention all those parties.”

“Her parties?”

“Not only are they a complete waste of time and resources, but think about all the productivity that is lost from all the attendees. It’s so inefficient it makes me ill just thinking about it. And then she had the GALL to run away instead of purging herself. Is that not the most selfish thing you ever heard? But don’t worry Twilight, sooner or later somepony will find her, and when they do, we can finally put her to good use.”

“What do you mean, ‘good use’,”Twilight asks warily.

“What do you think I mean Twilight,” Rarity says gesturing at the nearest tanning rack. “We skin her, debone her, feed her meat to the animals, turn her hide into clothing, and grind her bones into fertilizer. It’s really the only thing she is good for you know.”

Twilight studies her friend carefully. Looking for something, anything, behind her calm demeanor that would indicate that something of her former friend yet remained inside the cold and callous pony in front of her.

Were those tears at the corners of her eyes? Was her muzzle clenched a little too tightly? Or was it just Twilight’s hopeful imagination? Either way, she knew what she had to do next.

“Well, I suppose I’ve taken up enough of your time Rarity. I really need to get back to the castle now, being a Princess is a full time job you know.” Twilight says, rising to leave.

“Well I can certainly understand that, “Rarity says, escorting her friend to the door. “But be sure to eat and sleep regularly, otherwise you will lose efficiency.”

“Of course,” Twilight replies, as she steps into the sunlight.

As soon as the door closes behind her, Twilight takes flight. As fast as she can she returns to the castle, throwing open the door, and hurrying inside.

“So you finally made it back.” Spike’s voice echos down the hallway. “Now that you’ve had you little outing, I hope you are ready to get down to work. You have a lot of catching up to do Twilight. As a Princess of Equestria, you can’t simply just run off whenever you feel like it. You’re actions have been terribly inefficient.”

“Spike, I don’t have time for this right now. I have to go cast a locator spell. I promise that I’ll deal with your issues later!” Twilight says, ignoring the angry glare from Spike as she makes her way to her laboratory.

Once inside, she goes to a small cabinet and begins sorting through the racks of vials inside. “They said I was crazy,” she mutters to herself, “for gathering hair samples from every pony in Ponyville, but I told them, oh yes, I told them that one day we would need to be able to find someone in a hurry, and today is that day.” Twilight says, pulling out the vial marked Pinkie Pie.

She makes her way to the center table preparing to cast her spell. As she does so she finds the note that Applejack had left days before. She takes a moment to read it, thinking that she needed to check in on her, after she finds Pinkie Pie. But she stares in confusion at what she reads.

“Efficiency potion?” Twilight thinks to herself. “That’s all any pony is talking about, ‘efficiency’. But it can’t be my potion. Even untested it wouldn't have been THIS powerful. And there wasn’t enough there for more than one dose. But it can’t just be a coincidence… Geh, there’s no time for that now, the first thing I need to do is find Pinkie Pie.”

Twilight takes the hairs in her magic, and in a moment a three dimensional map appears in front of her with a small pink dot glowing upon it. Twilight zooms the map in, closer and closer.

“Wait, that’s this castle.” Twilight mutters. “Pinkie has been hiding in here?”

She zooms the map in tighter.

“She’s in the east tower. Hiding in the rafters.” Twilight says, as she hurries out of the laboratory, and begins to gallop upstairs.

Moments later she opens the door to the east tower, and begins to rapidly ascend the staircase.

“Pinkie? Pinkie Pie! It’s me, Twilight. It’s safe to come out, I promise.” Twilight says, gasping for air after sprinting up the long staircase.

“P-Pinkie Promise?” A voice calls weakly from the rafters.

“Pinkie Promise, “Twilight affirms.

Twilight sees a shadow detach itself from the others high above, and slowing begins to descend. However, the figure slips and then plummets downward.

“I got you Pinkie!” Twilight shouts, catching her friend in her magic and lowering her safely to the floor.

Twilight looks down at Pinkie, he face becoming distraught. Pinkie is in terrible condition. Her once healthy frame is now thin, almost emaciated. Her face looks strained, and her eyes are barely open.

“Twilight,” She says weakly, “w-water...”

“Water? You want me to get you some water?” Twilight asks, starting to rise.

“NO! NO WATER! Don’t drink the water Twilight!” Pinkie shouts struggling herself upright, before collapsing back on the floor.

“Take it easy Pinkie, you’re safe now. If not water, then can I get you some juice? Food?”

“Yes Twilight, anything you can spare, but NO water. Don’t drink any wat-...” She says, her voice trailing off as she slips into unconsciousness.

Twilight looks down sadly at her friend, before teleporting into the kitchen. She quickly puts together a plate of bread, cheese and grapes, and gathers a pitcher of juice and two cups before teleporting back.

She raises Pinkie’s head and coaxes her into drinking small sips of juice. After a few minutes Pinkie is able to hold the cup on her own, and Twilight quickly refills it before feeding her friend pieces of cheese and then some grapes, and eventually a slice of bread.

“Thank you,” Pinkie says, offering a wane smile. It’s been almost a week since the last time I was able to find any food. Everypony is looking for me. I managed to sneak in the castle a few days ago, but Spike is always going from room to room cleaning, I haven’t been able to sneak into the kitchen, and I was getting weaker and weaker.”

“It’s okay now,” Twilight says, proffering another piece of cheese, “I’m here now, I’ll make sure you are safe. But please, what in Tartarus has been going on around here? They’ve been killing ponies Pinkie, killing them like it’s their job or something. Discord is clueless, and I haven’t heard about any new villain popping up. Please Pinkie, if you know anything about all of this, please tell me.”

“It was Applejack.” Pinkie says, gulping down more juice.

“Applejack? Why? Why would she DO something like this?”

“I don’t know Twi, but I’ll tell you what I can. It all started five nights after you left for your trip. I was coming home late after a birthday party for Octavia. It was a ‘just us girls’ type of party, and the cider had been flowing pretty freely. Anyway, it was shortly after 1am, and I was making my way home. As I began to pass the town square, I saw Applejack. She had backed up her cart to the town well, and was dumping barrel after barrel of some liquid down the well.

I came up to her just as she finished dumping the last barrel and asked her what she was doing. She said that she was helping all the ponies in Ponyville. I asked her how, and she said that she was making them more ‘efficient’. I thought that was really odd, and I was about to ask more about it, but that must have been when the jello shots kicked in, because the next thing I remember was waking up in my own bed late in the afternoon the next day.

I remember having a HUGE hangover, and mixing up some tomato juice, hot sauce, carrot juice and celery, and staggering outside and sitting on the porch until it eased off. That was when I first noticed how strange ponies were behaving. I remembered then what Applejack had done the night before, and decided not to have any water until I knew what was happening to everypony. Thank Celestia that I didn’t, because it wasn’t long before everypony was running around, talking about being more ‘efficient’, and getting more and more extreme in what they were doing. Then Cheerilee killed all those children. It was horrible. After that the mayor called for a public culling, and when I wouldn’t kill myself, everypony came after me. I’ve been on the run ever since.”

“Oh, Pinkie. I’m so sorry! I think… I think this may be my fault somehow.”

“Your fault Twilight?” Pinkie asks in confusion.

Twilight explains how she found the note Applejack left in her basement laboratory, and about the potion Applejack took.

“But it doesn’t make sense Pinkie. That potion was nowhere near powerful enough to make ponies go crazy. And there was only enough for, at most, two doses in that bottle.”

“Well, then we need to go see Applejack.” Pinkie says. “It’s the only way that we can find out what she did, and maybe how to fix all this.”

“No Pinkie, you aren’t in any shape to go anywhere. And since everypony is after you, this is the safest place for you to recover. Let me help you downstairs, we can stop by the kitchen and get you some proper food, then I’ll help you get to bed. I’ll go see Applejack and let you know what I find out.”

Twilight helps Pinkie get onto her back. Then she spreads her wings and glides down the long winding stairwell until they reach the base of the tower. She carries Pinkie into the kitchen, and begins to make her some proper food, but then Spike bursts into the room.

“Twilight Sparkle!” Spike shouts, coming into the kitchen. “You’ve ignored both me and your duties all day. You’ve been nothing but inefficient in your actions. And your inefficiency affects everypony around you. And on top of that, you’re giving valuable resources to Pinkie Pie? She’s supposed to be CULLED Twilight. Inefficient!”

Spike glares across the kitchen table at Pinkie Pie. Without breaking eye contact, he reaches down and picks up the knife Twilight had used earlier to slice cheese with, and slowly begins moving around the table.

“What in Celestia’s name do you think you’re doing Spike?” Twilight asks, moving herself in front of Pinkie Pie.

“What YOU obviously won’t do Twilight. She needs to be culled. And if she won’t do it, and you won’t do it, then I have no choice but to do it myself.”

Spike lunges past Twilight, but she catches him with her magic just as the knife he was holding grazes Pinkie Pie’s neck. He struggles against her, knife slashing, but Twilight holds him fast. She opens the door of the pantry, floating him inside, then closes the door. He immediately tries to open it, But Twilight uses her magic on the door knob and latch sealing it shut.

“It’s no use trying Spike. I’ve sealed the lock. I’ll let you out soon, I promise. Just as soon as I figure out how to fix you and everyone else.”

Pinkie dabs at her neck with a napkin. “That was really, really, scary Twilight. Spike just tried to kill me.”

“I know Pinkie. This has got to stop. I need to go see Applejack right now. Will you be okay until I get back.”

“I’ll be alright. I’m already feeling better now that I’ve gotten some food inside me. I’ll eat a little more, and go lie down and rest. I’ll see you when you get back. Oh, and Twilight? Be careful!”

“I will Pinkie. I’ll see you soon.”

Twilight exits the castle and begins to make her way to Sweet Apple Acres. She looks around at the Ponies of Ponyville with new eyes. Now that she knows what to look for, what she sees is chilling. There are no colts and fillies playing in the street. No elderly ponies either. Businesses like Sugarcube corner are closed. And the ponies she does see out all have their head down as they hurry about in silence. Twilight feels a sense of urgency to leave this place. To get out of town before somepony questions her worth and decides that she needs to be culled. She imagines everypony’s gaze upon her, watching her, judging her every movement for it’s value and efficiency.

“Oh Applejack, what have you DONE?”