Why are guards bad at guarding?

by KingSombraTheTyrantRuler

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 1016

Why are guards bad at guarding? This question had been haunting Shadowlance for quite some time now.

Why are guards bad at guarding? This question had been haunting Shadowlance for quite some time now. Hopefully he'd find the answers today. And get himself fired.

Published 2021-12-11 07:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2021-12-11 07:20:01 UTC

Gotta smash it all...

~Why are guards bad at guarding?~

Why are guards bad at guarding? This was a question that had been bothering Shadowlance for a long time.

Even though he was a lunar guard, he still wondered. And today he was going to get the answers. And get himself fired if he was lucky.

He had a plan. It was evening, so the batpony snuck out of his hiding place and into the castle.

And, he wasn't noticed. 'Now, what to do?', thought Shadowlance. He was walking when he saw guards ahead. He pulled a cake out of his mane and distracted the guards with it.

They ran to the cake, like ants to sugar. While they were fighting over who gets what piece of cake, and who gets to cut it, Shadowlance made his way to the room where the princesses kept their coffee mugs and tea cups.

'There should be some guards there...', he thought. Once in there, Shadowlance put a hoof on a tea cup. No guards came.

He moved the tea cup from the shelves. Still no guards. 'What should I do now?', thought Shadowlance. 'Maybe smashing one of these would help?'

The batpony knew that he would be in grave danger if one of the princesses found him smashing their mugs or cups, but he had to do it.

Taking a deep breath, Shadowlance kicked a mug and a cup. They smashed. But no guards came.

He thought, 'I've got to do something louder.' He looked around the room. 'Smash more things it seems.'

So, he smashed more things. Shadowlance looked around and sighed. 'Still no guards. And there's supposed to be alarms going off if anypony breaks anything in this room.'

But there were alarms going off...

Princess Luna was in her room, reading a book. She was just about to turn the page when...BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!

"Gah!", screamed Luna. "What's up with all the beeps?"

Princess Celestia was in her room, about to cut her cake when...BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!

She threw her cake up and said, "Stop beeping!"

Shadowlance still didn't see or hear any guards coming, so he decided to break every cup and mug, hoping that one guard would come.

As he smashed, he sang, "Gotta smash it all, Break the ball,

I'm gonna get it right, I have all night, To smash, Without a crash, I'm gonna get it right, Tonight!"

He hoped a guard came, after hearing his singing, but not a single one came. He sang louder, "Gotta smash it all! Smash! Smash! I'll make you crash! Smash! Smash!"

He continued singing and smashing for half an hour, but no guards came.

When the batpony was about to give up, two alicorns arrived.

"P-princess L-luna! P-princess C-celestia!", he gasped.

The princess of the night took Shadowlance's mask off and asked, "Shadowlance? Why did you dress up as a robber and smash everything?"

"I...um...", Shadowlance started, but couldn't finish.

"TELL ME WHY YOU SMASHED ALL MY TEA CUPS!", yelled Celestia in the canterlot voice.

"I...It's a silly reason.", the batpony told them.

"I won't laugh.", promised Luna.

"Fine.", sighed Shadowlance. "I have two reasons. The first one is, I wanted to check how good the guards are at their jobs. And they're terrible. They fight like foals ovee the smallest of things. The second one is, I wanted to get myself fired from the lunar guard."

"So that's why there was a group of guards fighting like foals over cake.", said Celestia.

"Why did you want to get yourself fired?", asked Luna.

"Because...", the batpony started. He looked at Celestia and said, "Maybe I could tell you in private?"

"Fine. I have a cake to go back to, anyways.", Celestia said as she flew out of the room.

"Tell me?", asked Luna.

Shadowlance took a deep breath and looked into Luna's eyes. He confessed, "Because princess...I l-l-love you." He looked down in fear, afraid of what would happen next.

But the princess of the night smiled and said, "I love you too. But what does that have to do with you wanting to get fired?"

"A guard cannot love the one who he is protecting.", explained the batpony.

"Then maybe you could be my advisor?", asked Luna.

"If you say so.", replied Shadowlance.

"One thing is for sure.", started Celestia, who had just flown into the room. "This mess needs to be tidied. And you'll have to get new mugs and tea cups."

Shadowlance asked himself, "Why did I ever do this?"

Author's note: Hey everypony! I'm here with a new story for y'all! I totally ship Shadowlance and Luna. (What about you guys?) I'll write stories about it! Anyways, when I first wrote this, it was a lot different. But I decided that having Shadowlance be the one behind this would be a lot funnier. Anyways, leave a... vote/like, and a comment! I'm thinking of writing cute Shadowlance stories! PS: I was first planning to have Luster Dawn in Shadowlance's place. Btw, about all the beeps, I had to add them so that this story could get submitted....