I'm getting ripped tonight, rip that p (a collab between three geniuses)
Chapter 1: The Shrekening (Im getting ripped tonight, rip that p)
Deep in Ponyville...
There was no other choice, they had to be sold. James Corden gave their families only a week to gather 69 million dollars, or else he would thrust his cheese smelling crotch on their cars, homes, and hopes and dreams dressed as the mouse from Cinderella.
With the new world leader, Loki of Asgard, their families knew what to do. He was in need of servants, and was willing to pay top dollar for them. The two sexy young (19 and 21) she/they's had only moments to pack their bags before they were shipped off to Manehattan on a greyhound bus.
Zozo the pony was dark blue with long curly hair, and Liv the pony neon green with spikey purple hair. Zozo's cutiemark was Megamind, and Liv's was Grunkle Stan from Gravity Falls.
The Atlantic bridge was built out of ice, and specifically for them, which made the two feel very special. Zozo was the first one to cross it, after a heartbreaking goodbye with her family, and a not so heartbreaking goodbye with her university flat, she took her place on one of the couches, and proceeded to fall asleep. When she woke up, shocked by the sudden sound of their driver, Owen Wilson, saying “wow”, she was already in Appleloosa, right by Liv’s house.
“Wow bitch, you live like this?” He asked Liv, as they happily entered the bus. “Where’s the roof? You will really like what the supreme leader prepared for you.”
“Baller.” Liv said, slamming the front door and walking out without saying goodbye to literally anyone. “Fuck this noise, it’s time to be a servant.” Liv sits next to Zozo on the bus and pulls out a cat piano. “I have to pee.”
“LIV MY LOVE!!! HELLO!!!” Zozo squealed, “the bathroom is in the back, don’t mind the picture of Grunkle Stan hanging by the sink- I hung him there just for you because I know how much you enjoy old men.”
“I am speed,” Owen Wilson the pony whispered whispered softly to himself, as he started the engine of the bus once more, “I used to eat losers for breakfast, but with the supreme leader catering to all my needs, I only eat Dino nuggies. You’ll enjoy being his servants. He is very Kachow.”
Ignoring Owen Wilson, Liv ran to the bathroom, intent on staring at the portrait of an old man while she pissed. “Oh man, oh man, oh man, oh man.” she chanted, swinging open the bathroom door and shutting it behind her. “I’m gonna piss so good, thanks Stan.” She says, whipping out her big wiener (accept that it’s not a physical wiener, but more of an emotional, metaphysical one). “Beyblade, let it rip!!!” she unleashes the kraken. Then that's done, and we never speak of it again, and she goes back to Zozo the pony on the couch.
By the time they reached Manehattan, all three of them, which means Zozo, Liv and Owen Wilson pony, have discovered the supreme leader’s vodka stash, and were positively drunk off their asses. While cruising through Arkansaddle, Owen Wilson casually picked up Steve-O from pony-jail, claiming that he was the supreme leader’s janitor, who had just gotten arrested for stapling Ben Stiller’s pony nuts to his leg on the Late Neigh Show while it was live. All of them agreed that this was an absolutely baller move, and when they finally got to the supreme leader’s palace, he should be awarded with the “nut man” award.
“Ah, finally.” Supreme leader 8 legged horse (9 if you count his massive horse dong) Loki said, when they all stumbled into his throne room, “you have brought me my newest servants, and my esteemed janitor. Good work, Owen. You will now be promoted to the position of Lightning McQueen.”
“Kachow!” Owen Wilson said, as his skin started turning metallic and red, “I always wanted to be a cart! Thank you, master. Thank you.”
“You are very welcome, my loyal racecart.” Loki smiled, with such tenderness in his eyes, that it was nearly impossible to tell that he was talking to a human-car hybrid.
Then, miraculously, Steve-O transformed into an human man, a la MLP Equastria Girls. He was always a pony, thank you very much.
“Hey boss,” Liv stanced up, “are you a master debater?” she asked, shooting him finger guns (but with hooves). He frowned.
“I think you said that wrong.” he replied.
“Awaaga.” she responded. “Anyway, where’s our new house? I need somewhere to put my Grunkle Stan poster.” she said, ignoring the water that dripped off of it from the bus toilet (I know i said we wouldn’t mention it again, but i had to).
“Fuck yeah, Grunkle Stan's a GILF.” Loki said, thinking about all the old men he’d like to get rawed by.
“You would absolutely adore princess Celestia, had you not killed the whole royal family.” Zozo said, smiling awkwardly, “it’s fine, I support, I’m an anarchist, and I’d rather a sexy himbim rules over this stupid ass planet than Brits.”
“Thank you, as your supreme leader, I swear on my spear to not make you eat crumpets or drink tea.” Loki smiled, in a way that only a wise king would, “I also won’t steal your spices and decide I don’t like them. Even though I am white-horse presenting sometimes, I am a stallion of culture.”
“As a sexy young she/they, I appreciate that.” Liv responded, giving him a pat on the flank. “Now, Zozo, let’s move our shit in. I have to piss again.” she said, waving an arm over to the small amount of garbage they’d brought with them. "Verily, though, my liege," Liv muttered, turning to the Eight Legged horse, "We cannot hope to repay you in anyway for what you have done for us. Thou art a most caring and kind king, and we are ever grateful for your leadership." she bowed. "Ain't that right, Zozo?"
“Fuck yea bitch!”
Chapter 2: bitch tits galore: at the Saddle Arabia
Rain the pony was short, baby blue, and full of rage. Also, their hair was dark blue and short, and real cool looking. They were 19 years young.
it was a normal fucking day, rain thought. Yes there was news about a war thing, eh. And a new leader? None of my business. all that matters was the ice cream in his hands that he was chowing on.
“Hey what’s on TV?” He heard his old man say. WTF was on tv? Oh it’s just the new Goth leader kid, getting patted on his….ass.. there was a racecart and two young people-HOLY FUCK THATS ZOZO AND LIV!! Are we bringing slav-no.
Rain picked up the phone real fast, calling the number on the screen, only to be answered 2 rings in “Ah, Hello?” “Hi welcome to the great leader Loki show how can we help you?”
“I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE”
“What? (Some faded voices in the background were cheering FCUK YEA WOOO or something)”
“I’d like to serve the great emo man please”
“I’m sorry sir, we’re completely full of stupid fucks as servants, however we’ll let you know if there are any other possible options for one more”
“Did you just called me stupid?”
“Yes. Now would you like to sign up?(FUCK YEA DO IT RAIN)”
“Ok yes sure”
“Baller” except it wasn’t the man’s voice, it was liv.
Alright where’s my scooter I’m getting the fuck outta here Manehattan, baby! Rain was having a good time.
Author's Note
I hope you enjoyed my epic return to the fandom, and if you didn't, I don't care. This was a collaboration between Myself, my Polish friend, and my Yemeni friend. If you don't like this, feel free to leave your complaints in the comments below. ;)
EDIT: Fine, i made it better, thank you for all your lovely criticisms.
