Don't ban me yet, there's an actual story in here
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Don't ban me yet, there's an actual story in here
It was a rather average day in Ponyville, and everyone's favourite green Agent 47 knockoff was strutting along its main street like he had a purpose. And he indeed had, but he didn't tell it anypony. It was a secret.
Anon made his way towards the Golden Oaks Library, which was going to be his first stop that day. When he arrived, he kicked in the door, and barged in.
The cute lavender unicorn librarian, Twilight Sparkle was just reading a book when Anon stormed across the ground floor of the library. He didn't greet Twilight, nor did he say anything. Twilight looked up from her book, and did what Anon so rudely didn't:
"Good morning, Anonymous! Nice to see you awake and bright-eyed so early! You're usually still asleep at this time. Can I help you with something? Perhaps, you're searching for a book?"
Nopony ever seemed to notice that Anon didn't have eyes, so comments like Twilight's were completely lost on him. At any rate, Anon didn't need Twilight's help, as he already found the books he was looking for. He took off every third book from the second shelf, and opened each of them on page 33. Then, he proceeded to tear each of those pages halfway in. When he was done with one book, he dropped it, and proceeded to the next.
In one book, there was a picture of Princess Celestia on page 33. Anon reflexively reached for his sharpie to draw a mustache, but he noticed someone has beat him to it. He glanced at Spike for a moment, who so far stood in complete silence, not being sure to intervene, or not.
"What?" the dragon said innocently.
But Anon didn't answer anything, and just moved on to the next book. When he was finished with systematically producing a tear on each and every page 33, he turned around, and began walking towards the door. Up until that point, Twilight was completely shocked by the utter vandalism she was a witness of. When the last book hit the wooden floor though, she snapped out of it, and finally could talk.
"Wha-what did you do that for? Anonymous, explain! Why did you hurt those books?!"
But Anon didn't explain anything, just opened the door, and walked outside.
"Should I intercept him?" asked Spike.
Anon's next stop that day was Sugarcube Corner. Due to it having saloon doors, Anon have chosen to not kick those in, as that wouldn't have looked as badass as his dynamic entry into the library a little earlier. Looking around, the sweet shoppe seemed empty, so he moved on to the kitchen, where he sure enough, found Pinkie Pie working on some sugary treats. Pinkie greeted him in her usual manner, bursting from enthusiasm:
"Hi Nonny! What brought you here today, huh? Want to buy some sweets? Or just came by to say hello to your good pal Pinkie Pie?"
Anon didn't answer, just stepped to the cupboard, grabbed nine little bowls, and took them to the counter. Then he filled each with 150 grams of flour. Pinkie was looking on with excitement, and couldn't stand to don't ask:
"Watcha doing, Anon? Is this some new recipe? Can I help? Should I help? Huh, huh, huh?"
Anon looked at the bubbly pink one, but didn't grace her with an answer. Instead, he continued his work, and poured 50 grams of limescale remover over the flour in each of the bowls. Then, he finished with a single drop of vinegar going in each. Pinkie seemed confused, but was still smiling:
"Will this be... some elaborate prank? Do tell me Anon, I love a good prank! Who will be the victim? Come on Anon, tell!"
But Anon didn't tell anything to party pony No.1, and instead simply left, first the kitchen, then the building proper. He still had many places to be that day.
"Should I bake these for you?!" Pinkie shouted after him in desperation.
From Sugarcube Corner, Anon went to Carousel Boutique. He tried to kick in the door, but this one was locked, and Anon nearly fell on his back in the attempt. So instead, he just knocked.
"Comiiing!" came from the pony with the unmistakable faux accent.
Rarity opened the door, and looked up at Anon above her glasses:
"Why hello, dear! What brought you to my boutique at such an early hour? Well, early for you, that is..."
Anon ignored the snide comment, and without a word, he gingerly tiptoed around Rarity to get inside. Rarity closed the door, and raised an eyebrow at the rudeness:
"Um, hello? Can I help you Anonymous? Perhaps, I could help you to a book on proper etiquette?"
Anon didn't even hear Rarity's sentences as he made it into her "inspiration room". There, he took one roll of fabric from each color, and proceeded to cut down a one and a half meter strip from each. Rarity, of course, was after him, and stopped Anon in his tracks, by levitating away both fabric and scissors from him.
"Just what do you think you're doing?!"
Anon offered no explanation, just recaptured the scissors from Rarity, and simply moved on to the next roll of fabric. After the unicorn worked her magic to take that away as well, Anon put a thimble on Ms. Faux Accent's horn. The little metal accessory blocked out her magic.
"Oh no, my horn! What have you done?!" Rarity wailed.
While Rarity was struggling with removing the thimble from her magic appendage, Anonymous finished cutting the fabric. When he had all the pieces in front of himself, he folded each in two according to the golden ratio, then wrote "DF" on each in ancient Ponish script. Then, he began to leave.
With great effort, Rarity finally removed the thimble with her hooves, and yelled after the green man:
"Why did you do this, Anonymous? Why did you ruin my fabric???"
But the only answer Rarity got was the sound of her door closing.
Anon just barely caught the train to Canterlot, but he did, and half an hour later, it was already chugging along in the mountains. When he arrived in the majestic capital city of Equestria, he immediately made his way towards the castle.
In one of the larger audience rooms of the royal castle, Princess Celestia held a meeting with his top ministers. Luna was present too, but she could hardly hide her boredom, and was scribbling down notes on parchment regarding the discussion. Actually, she was making caricatures of the ministers sitting opposite of her, but no one noticed that. Not even Celestia, who was right next to her. She was too busy being self important, and pretending the meeting didn't bore her as well.
"So, as I was saying, let's increase the tax percentage from 1.7 to 1.8. The nobility can definitely pay more, I'm sure of it. Let's not have the common ponies of Equestria take..."
Celestia couldn't finish her sentence, as Anon kicked in the gilded double doors to the room, and rushed inside. The guards were nowhere to be seen, not that they could have stopped the green menace to any extent anyway. He also had a large sack on his back, and when he reached the middle of the room, just in front of the royals and ministers, he emptied its contents.
A large number of dead parasprites poured out to the floor. Anon flicked the empty sack a little, so surely no dead creature remained inside.
"What is the meaning of this?! Guards! GUARDS!" one of the ministers shouted, but no guards arrived.
On the other hand, Luna's bored expression was gone, and actually seemed slightly bemused by this turn of events. At the three-hour mark, she felt this whole meeting already overstayed its welcome, and in the end, everything would be how her sister wanted it anyway, so it was largely pointless too. But she was also a bit annoyed, as his "model" moved in his chair due to the events, and so, she couldn't finish her drawing.
"Anonymous! Do you have an explanation for what you have just done?! Even if this is a cultural artifact from your old world, you should take more effort to integrate! And what did you do to my guards?"
Anon didn't say anything, but for a moment he stopped, and imagined Princess Celestia with a mustache, just like he saw in the book earlier. A very subtle smirk appeared in the corner of his mouth, but he didn't let any emotions overtake him, and left the room quickly. After all, the location of his last visit that day was pretty far away.
Anonymous got off the train at the Crystal Empire train station. He walked to the city proper, and strode through its main avenue like a chad. He did get many looks, as the ponies of the Crystal Empire didn't see a human before. Unlike in Equestria, where he somehow was pretty well known, although at that point, nopony turned their heads after him too much.
The Crystal Castle was Anon's destination, but before he moved up there, he bought five traditional Crystal Empire hats from a street vendor. After the purchase, Anon walked to the towering building, and entered. There were no guards around whatsoever, much to Anon's joy. Otherwise, he would had to use his powers against them.
Making his way upstairs, he just noticed how many damn floors there were. And the floors had sub-floors, and sometimes the sub-floors had sub-sub-floors. Of course, all of them connected by stairs. Whoever built that castle in the past surely had a fascination with stairs. Regardless, Anon went up and up tirelessly, using his Anon-sense to navigate. On the seventh floor, he took a right turn from the stairs, and walked through a short corridor to a room with the sign "Do not disturb" on it. Of course, Anon ignored it, and entered.
Inside, Cadence and Shining Armor were making out on a sofa. They were obviously getting ready for some hanky-panky. At first, they didn't even notice the human who walked in, but after he strolled around a little, they looked up from a kiss. They were quite baffled, and couldn't even say anything, not to the creature, nor to each other.
Anon began to put down the Crystal empire hats in seemingly strategic positions around the room. One went in the northeast corner, one just under the window, one on a shelf, one in a plant pot from which he removed the plant just before, and finally, the last one he balanced on top of the chandelier. When he was done, he took his leave without a word.
Cadence and Shining looked at each other in confusion. Finally, the pink unicorn spoke:
"Um, feng shui maybe?"
"Hmm, what kinda position is that?"
Cadence could only roll her eyes.
It was almost evening when Anon got back to Ponyville. He walked down it's main street like a man who was finished with a day of hard work. And that was definitely the case. He was going to crash at Lyra's that night, just like every day in the last few months, much to Bon Bon's dismay. But he couldn't get to his destination, as a bunch of ponies were blocking his way.
They were all the ones he wronged that day. Twilight, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Celestia, Luna, and Cadence and Shining Armor, who somehow got to Ponyville before Anon. The green symbol of masculinity stopped before them, and awaited what would come out of the situation.
"Your spree is at an end, Anonymous." Celestia began "I demand you to explain the weird behaviour you showcased today. We ponies are creatures of patience, but even we have our limits."
All the other ponies were agreeing with Celestia, backing up her words. Except for Pinkie, who still only demanded to know who they were gonna prank. And Luna, who looked like somepony who didn't even want to be there.
For a few intense seconds, Anon only stared at the group of ponies. They were visibly bracing for a big, final showdown, or at least for an upcoming big explanation.
Anon gulped.
He adjusted his necktie, and cleared his throat very quietly.
Then he opened his mouth, and let out a long sigh.
"No."
Anon refused to elaborate further, and passed the group of flabbergasted ponies. With a pep to his steps, he walked off into the sunset.
THE END
In memoriam of the famous hacker, 4chan.
Author's Note
"DF" stands for "Dumb fabric"
