A Ring by Any Other Name

by Tela

Rating: mature
Tags: Profanity, Lyra, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Mystery, Comedy, Bon-Bon, Adventure, Shining Armor, Sex
Length: 16193

A griffin explorer witnesses a unicorn propose to an earth pony with a horn(y?) ring. Perplexed, and impressed by such a bold, salacious tradition, he decides to investigate - and he’s taking his partner, Star Hunter, with him.

Galiano, griffon explorer extraordinaire, is a number of things. An adventurer? Sure. A daredevil? Absolutely. An archeologist? By some definitions, yes!

An expert on love? Not at all.

So naturally, when he witnesses a unicorn propose to an earth pony with a horn ring, he finds himself confused, vexed, and curious. Upon looking into it further, he discovers a secret so well kept, so shocking, and so salacious, that he simply cannot keep himself from investigating further. He's following this rabbit hole as deep as it goes, and he's taking his partner, Star Hunter, with him - whether he wants to come along or not.

Rated M for mature humor.

Preread and edited by the invaluable ATOMICTheCrow.

Published 2023-02-13 17:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2023-02-13 17:40:01 UTC

Rings Around the Horsies

The worst part about playing second fiddle to a madman is that everypony expects you to know where things went wrong.

I mean, seriously. Nobody ever asks the crazy one to explain their actions. They just give them the once over, decide you’re the sane one in the room, and raise an eyebrow, as if to ask how did you let things get this bad? And there’s no real good answer, because they somehow expect you to be the one in charge, or at least the one holding the reins. It’s annoying.

That’s not to imply that Galiano is insane, of course. He’s just… eccentric. And determined. And stupid.

I suppose that’s why we keep ending up in these messes…

The name’s Star Hunter. I’m good with directions. Like, really good with directions. I guess you could call me a wayfinder? My talent’s in astronavigation - I know the stars like the back of my hoof, and I’ve always just… sorta known how to use them to get places? Like, if you dropped me in the middle of the Saddle Arabian Sea after spinning me seven times to get me all good and dizzy, I could probably tell you where the nearest hayburger joint is, if it’s any good, and which nearby shipping routes could get you there before sunrise. If you’re looking for a stallion who can get you places, I’m your pegasus - and that’s how me and Galiano met.

He calls himself Galiano the Great, y’know. Fancies himself one of those big-shot explorer types, like Daring Do if she was a griffon and had her survival instinct surgically removed. He’s very proud of it, too - the best way I can describe him is bombastically daft. S’got a voice like a radio announcer and a brain like a hoofball player with a concussion fetish. Pretty sure that’s why he was drawn to adventuring so strongly - it’s the only field that can handle his ego, cause you spend most of your career in the middle of butt-fuck nowhere, where nopony can sock you upside the head for being an ass.

We first met in Prance - at the time, I was working in the shipping industry, charting trade routes and keeping vessels on course. Monumentally dull stuff, mind you, but I was good at it. He was looking for the Sword of Charlemane. Loudly. In the middle of downtown Mareseille. In a sense, he was impossible to ignore - if there’s anything you can say about the featherbrain, he certainly knows how to make an impression. I, being bored out of my mind, offered to help, thinking if nothing else, it would be interesting. He gave me some nonsensical riddle about the stars, I jokingly gave him a location, and we parted ways. I thought that would be the end of it.

Imagine my shock when he knocked on my hotel room door three days later, ancient sword in talon, and announced he actually found the damn thing. He was subsequently arrested for trespassing, of course, ‘cause it was on some poor Prench sod’s land, but still. I was stunned, and more than a little impressed.

Anyways, after I bailed him out of prison, we decided to team up. He was an adventurer who needed a compass, and I was well overqualified for that position. I… well, if I’m being honest, I was quite tired of traveling around the world and not getting to see any of it. Figured that if I was gonna be charting courses for the rest of my life, I should at least do it for someone who wants to bring me along, and the only thing Galiano loves more than adventures is an ear to fill. Judge me all you want for choosing him, but something about his bombastic self is… endearing.

Of course, there was also the fact he needed someone who could keep him from killing himself or landing in jail, but I kept that to myself. It’s a marvel he got as far as he did on his own, really. We’ve had way too many close calls.

It also didn’t help that on our very first adventure together, I found my own reason to go along. Astronavigation is one of the oldest trades on the planet, and not everypony who took it up had a mark for it. I’m fortunate that I can just glance at the sky and know where to go - most other ponies needed star charts. On our first quest, we found several etched into the sandstone walls of an ancient Saddle Arabian palace; it took me approximately two seconds to realize that the stars depicted didn’t match up with any in the sky today.

Turns out, the stars move, and they move a LOT. I’ve been putting together a history of stellar movement using the bits and pieces of ancient charts we’ve found, and Galiano has been more than happy to oblige me. He gets his quests, I get my charts. It’s a win-win, believe it or not.

Yes, I know how ironic that sounds coming from the inside of a cell.

Why do I bring this all up? Well, it’s to reinforce that I know Galiano. He found that sword, like, six years ago? And we’ve had at least a quest a month since then. I’m more than familiar with his quirks, and his utterly overwhelming personality. I find it kind of endearing, to be honest. Pretty much nothing he does surprises me anymore.

I know how he works, too. He gets these grand ideas in his head, and once they’re there, he commits himself wholly to them. There’s no dissuading him - if he’s got an adventure in mind, it’s happening, and you’re coming along for the ride. It’s just the way he operates. If there were an Element of Harmony for sheer blind determination, he would be the bearer, no questions asked. It’s almost like a superpower. And I come along every time, cause Celestia knows somepony’s gotta keep him safe.

That’s why when he practically kicked down our Ponyville motel room’s door three days ago, I wasn’t all too surprised. He had that look in his eyes, the look that screamed that he had discovered something, something big enough that it could become our lives for the next couple months, something he deemed important enough to possibly put another mark on our criminal records for. I took it as well as someone who had just been startled awake by a loud bang at six-thirty in the morning could - I sat bolt upright in bed, eyes wide and ears pressed flat against my head.

“Star Hunter!” he bellowed, a manic grin plastered across his beak. It was around at that moment that I noticed he had a black eye. “Pony marriage confuses and vexes me!”

To my credit, I didn’t chew him out for waking me up for that. I just laid back down, rolled over, and let a silent scream out into my pillow.

That’s how this whole disaster started, I suppose.

“Hit me with it,” I said, glowering down at my empty cup of coffee. It wasn’t kicking in nearly fast enough. “What’d you find this time?”

After my rude awakening, and a subsequently miserable preparation for the day, we’d moved to a nearby bakery to debrief. It was a busy place, full of idle chatter, laughing ponies, and foals scampering between tables, alternating between their games and pointing at the griffon in their midst with wide eyes. Ponyville was a small, rural town, so it didn’t surprise me that our presence had caused such a ruckus. I’d be shocked if any of them had even seen one of those catbirds before.

Galiano, for his part, was completely oblivious to it all. He was sitting across from me in all of his proud glory, a certain twinkle in his eye. He’d long since finished his breakfast - a plate of eggs piled higher than his self esteem, which I didn’t know was possible, but somehow, the bakery managed - and was practically vibrating with anticipation. He looked fit to burst, which, I suppose, he might have been (I cannot stress how large this plate of eggs was. I’m 99% sure that if Galiano was to get a gastric bypass, surgeons would have to be careful not to drop their scalpels in the black hole that is his stomach.)

(Fine, I’ll stay on topic. Jeez, will you at least let a stallion have some fun with his detainment?)

To my surprise, he chuckled. “Ah, but Star, it is not what I found,” he said, grinning, “but rather, what I saw.” He threw in a wink, just for good measure.

“That’s new,” I grumbled. “Was it one of the princesses? I hear the purple one likes to hang around these parts.”

“Nothing of the sort!” he laughed, and he banged a fist on the table. “I saw something perfectly ordinary, yet, in its mundanity, precious.” He paused, took a deep breath, and leaned across the table. “I saw love, Star.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Bullshit.” Somewhere to my left, a foal uttered an absolutely scandalized gasp. I ignored it. “You wouldn’t be making such a big deal out of this if you just saw two ponies snogging in the park. What’s the catch?”

“Oh, it was a tad more serious than that, good friend.” Reclining back, his eyes drifted apart slightly. “I saw a proposal. A confectioner, and a musician.” Sighing, he closed his eyes. “I was just walking around the town, taking in the sights and scenery, when, out of the corner of my eye, I saw it. A young mare, with a lyre on her flank and anxiety in her eyes, produced a small box from her mane and offered it to her companion - another mare, with sweets for a cutie mark.” The corners of his mouth curled upward. “I paused to watch, of course, for it’s not often you get to bear witness to a proposal. For a moment, the confectioner was petrified, and I feared for the worst, but then, the most amazing thing happened.”

I forced myself to look up. “She said yes?”

“Not just that!” Another wistful sigh escaped him, and his grin grew wider. “The sweetsmaker reached into her mane and pulled out a box of her own!” His eyes snapped open, and suddenly, he was leaning over the table again, his beak almost bumping my snout. “They’d gotten each other rings! Both of them! They were both going to propose!” By this time, he was vibrating again. “I’ve never seen anything quite like it! It was remarkable! They say you know true love when you see it, and after that display, I have to agree!”

“Goddamn, Galiano,” I said. A sardonic note had crept into my voice, and I accompanied it with a wry grin. “Never thought the day would come. You’re thinking of settling down, aren’t you?”

“Ah-ah-ah!” He stuck a talon in my face and wagged it back and forth. “Don’t make assumptions just yet! I’m not finished!”

“Of course you’re not.” I looked back at the coffee cup. It really wasn’t kicking in fast enough. “Proceed…”

“Some ponies started stomping their hooves, and I clapped, of course, but I had other things to see, so I made haste and went on my merry way.” A smirk. “Or should I say marry?”

“Sweet Celestia…” I groaned.

He let out an uproarious laugh, loud enough to startle some of the other patrons of the establishment. “I jest! I jest.” Leaning back again, he chuckled. “No, my friend, the true nature of my discovery did not manifest until this morning.”

“Yeah, I figured.” Looking over at the counter, I found myself wondering if the workers could brew me an espresso. “If you found out last night, I doubt I would’ve been able to sleep, let alone get startled awake.”

If he processed my barbed remark, he chose to ignore it. “I was strutting around town before sunrise, scouting out places to eat, when I found the most incredible thing I could’ve!” A pause. “I found the confectioner’s shop! And moreover, she had already opened for business!”

For some reason, I felt a prickling on the back of my neck. Almost like I was about to get hit by lightning.

Galiano leaned forward, placing his talons on the table. “I decided to drop in, nab some sweets, and offer my personal congratulations on her engagement…”

~~~

It was a rather quaint little building, towards the outskirts of town. I daresay I almost missed it; I’m not used to finding stores in the middle of neighborhoods.

The shop itself was built directly into the first floor of the confectioner’s home. I only noticed because of the expansion. At some point, the mare had decided to add an annex to the building, and had done so in such a way where it didn’t quite fit with the rest of the house. I cannot say if it was intentional, but it certainly served to get my attention.

I didn’t realize it belonged to her, either, until I caught a glimpse through the window. She appeared to be tidying up the floor, waiting for the first of her customers to arrive.

I, of course, was willing to oblige.

“Pony!” I shouted, swinging open the door with rapturious enthusiasm. “I would like to have words with you!”

For a moment, I could not find the mare. The shop’s floor was, quite suddenly, devoid of equines. This was, as it turned out, because she had lept approximately five feet into the air upon my sudden entrance. I did not blame her! A lot of ponies find themselves stunned and awed, being in the presence of Galiano the Great. It is a common occurrence! I’m used to it.

When she landed, she whirled around with surprising speed. There was shock in her eyes, and dare I say, a tad of wonder! For a moment, she fished for words, her mouth forming a million shapes at once, until she settled on one most profound:

“Um.”

I took this as an invitation, so I stepped into the shop fully. She shuffled back as I did so - she was such a gracious host! I am rather large, so I assume she wanted to give me room. “I do believe felicitations are in order!”

“Felicitations?” she stammered, her eyes flicking all over my luxurious form. “I’m sorry, who are you?”

“Galiano the Great!” I bellowed, sweeping my arms in the grandest of gestures. “And I simply wanted to offer my congratulations in regards to your recent betrothment!”

“Oh.” Then, a spark shone behind her eyes, and she relaxed slightly, her ears perking up. “Oh! Well, thank you! Lyra and I are absolutely ecstatic!”

“As you should be!” I said, offering a dashing grin. “Mighty good show yesterday, I must say! Something for the storybooks indeed. I mean, both of you, with rings, intending to propose on the same day?” I paused, and doubled the dashing on the grin. “It’s almost like it was fated to be!”

“Well, I certainly like to think so,” the mare chuckled. “She always seemed so perfect for me…”

“Yes, you!” I chuckled. “Speaking of you, I don’t believe I caught your name?”

“You can call me Bon Bon,” she said, extending a hoof, which I shook gladly. “I’m sorry about my initial reaction - I was just finishing opening up the shop, and I wasn’t expecting someone so… boisterous to barge in.”

“It’s perfectly alright! I’m used to it!” For some reason, Bon Bon found that IMMENSELY amusing, though I have yet to decipher why. “May I patronize your shop?”

She lit up at that. “Of course! Feel free to look around,” she said, stepping towards the counter. “I’ve just got a few more things to do before I’m fully ready, so take your time.” Pausing, she looked back. “I… don’t have griffons in here very often, so I’m not sure what you’d like…?”

I held up a mighty hand to stop her. “Sugar is sugar, my friend, I’m not picky.”

After that, I took to perusing her stock. And what a selection it was! Caramels, chocolates, candies of all different kinds, each one EXQUISITELY crafted to perfection! It was a feast fit for a king, or, perhaps, an adventurer! It was absolutely remarkable! Outstanding! Positively heavenly!

I glanced back over at Bon Bon, opening my beak to trumpet praises of her abilities, but the words caught in my throat. For it was at that moment, my friend, that I noticed the most peculiar detail about her. Something which simply didn’t sit right with me, not at all.

“Pardon me, ma’am, but where is your horn?”

She paused at that, looked over at me, and laughed. “Oh, I’m not a unicorn,” she said.

My beak dropped open at that. “Didn’t your fiancé get you an engagement ring?” I said, bewildered. Baffled! As far as I knew at that moment, rings went on the horn!

“Oh, she did!” A pause. “Well, kind of?”

“Humor a silly question, but where exactly does it g-”

And then, I cut myself off. And an inkling of an idea sprung up in my mind, something so brilliant, so revolutionary, that it was about to reshape my entire world. Imagine that! Reshaping the world of Galiano the Great!

I shut my beak. I looked at Bon Bon - no, looked is the wrong word. I analyzed her. I failed to spot any ring on her person.

Then, I smiled my widest smile yet.

“Trans rights.”

~~~

“And then she slapped me,” he said, pointing to his black eye.

Bang. I heard a few startled shouts as the sound of my face connecting with the table rang around the shop, but I paid them no mind. Suddenly, I had a headache. I wasn’t sure if it was from the blunt force trauma or everything he’d just said.

“Please, for the love of everything holy, tell me that you are joking,” I groaned into the hardwood.

“I assure you, I am not!” He laughed to himself. “That mare packed quite a punch, much more than what I was expecting from someone of her stature-”

“That’s-” I let out a keening whine - my headache had gotten SO much worse. Definitely the things he was saying. “Celestia dammit, that’s not what I meant!”

“Oh!” Though I could not see him, I knew for a fact he had just cocked his head to the side. “Is it the fact that I, only now, learned that ponies will propose to each other with cock-”

I peeled my face off the table fast enough I’m sure I broke the sound barrier and stuffed my hoof in his beak. “There are foals here!” I hissed, looking around to see if any of them had heard. To my dismay, approximately half of them were staring at us with wonder in their eyes. A few of their parents, too, but the wonder was substituted with anger. “Besides, that’s not- we don’t-”

His laugh got muffled by my hoof. As he pulled it out of his mouth, he continued for a couple more seconds, probably to spite me. “Star Hunter, dear companion, come on now.” He paused. “I recognize it may be uncomfortable, but now I know! And I must say, I’m quite stunned! What a marvelously bizarre tradition you ponies have managed to create!”

The bottom dropped out of my stomach.

“I find myself wondering how it came to be?” He said, tapping his talon against his chin. “And how you all managed to keep it such a secret! Moreover, I wonder why you did so!”

I could almost feel the color draining from my face. “Galiano, no.” I knew what was coming. I’d heard it before. It was like an oath - the second the words were spoken, Galiano committed himself, and by extension, me, to a quest. “What about those Sumareian ruins? If we don’t leave for Baltimare today, we’re gonna miss our steamship-”

“I simply must know more!”

I proceeded to french the table again. Violently.

This time, he didn’t say anything. He just waited for me to recover. The bakery had grown strangely quiet, too, though I’m not sure if it was because of his declaration or the fact they had just witnessed a pegasus try to give himself a TBI twice. I made sure to savor it, too. It took a couple minutes before I was willing to sit back up at all. When I did, I found he was staring at me, a twinkle in his eye and a grin on his face.

“I,” my shaky voice started, “am going back to the motel. And I am going to take an absolutely delightful nap.” With that, I rose to my hooves, half-eaten breakfast forgotten.

“Hold on, Star!” Galiano exclaimed, getting up as well. “We’ve only just gotten started!”

I was already walking. “Hit me up in eight hours.” For the briefest of moments, I looked back over my shoulder. “I am too Celestia-damned tired for this shit.”

And with the sudden gasps of parents and foals alike accompanying me, I exited the bakery.

I did not, in fact, take an absolutely delightful nap. Because I had drank a full cup of coffee, and because caffeine seems to have a sense of dramatic fucking irony, I found myself unable to sleep. Instead, I just kinda lay awake in bed, tossing, turning, and replaying the events of the morning in my head.

For eight hours.

‘Cause Galiano is nothing if not caring.

It wasn’t the first time he’d switched up our plans without warning. We still haven’t made our way to the Valley of Princes, and the first time we made arrangements to go was four years ago. Spontaneity is part of the package with the featherbrain, and consists of about half the thrill. Some of my favorite moments with him have come from his impulsive, spur-of-the-moment decisions.

I had, to put it lightly, serious doubts that this detour would produce any from the very beginning.

Cock rings. Cock rings. The featherbrained idiot had somehow convinced himself that we proposed to each other with cock rings. It was almost surreal to process that. And on top of it all, he’d either offended some poor cis mare, or clocked a trans one, and I genuinely did not know which of those two possibilities was worse.

It felt like a nightmare. My muzzle, however, was still sore from the positively intimate contact it had undergone with the table, so I knew I was most definitely awake.

Whenever I thought about that, my headache came back. I wondered why.

So I simply laid there, tossing and turning, for the full duration of the time Ihad said I would be asleep. And during that time, I pondered every possible way I could think of to cut this off before it even began. You see, at that time, I still had - ah, what’s the word… hope. I still had hope that I could nip this little misunderstanding in the bud, that I could explain that, no, we didn’t give each other sex toys when we wanted to get married, you absolute buffoon.

At precisely the eight hour mark after my departure from the bakery, the door burst open, and that notion was shattered.

“Star Hunter!” the griffon of the hour bellowed, strutting into the room with a satchel around his neck. “I have engaged in the wondrous act of espionage!”

And from the satchel, he produced two small boxes.

My heart stopped beating.

“I have taken the liberty of procuring two research samples!” he exclaimed. With utmost care, he flipped the lid of the first one open, and extended it to me. I caught it with a wing, looked down, and-

“Oh my Celestia, you bought a cock ring.”

“That I did!” he proudly stated, puffing out his chest. “Kind of! All in the name of discovery, of course!” He extended the other box. “But that’s not all!”

I got the honor of flipping the lid on this one. And when I did, I forgot how to breathe.

What was inside sparkled in the dim light. It shone a brilliant gold. It screamed opulence, wealth, and the concept of marrying rich. It was, undeniably, an engagement ring. And not just any engagement ring, it was the most over-the-top piece of hornwear I’d ever seen in my life.

It knocked the air right out of my lungs. It almost blinded me with its beauty. And, most importantly, it left me with one burning question.

“Galiano, how the flying fuck did you find the bits to afford this?!” I yelled, slamming the top shut and shoving it back towards him.

“I didn’t!” he said, taking back the boxes and removing the rings from both. “Now, observe the diameter! You’ll notice that they’re both of similar width-”

“What do you mean, you didn’t?” I hissed, my voice filled with dripping venom.

“I borrowed them!”

“You WHAT?!” I screamed, jumping to my hooves. My wings flared out and almost knocked the bedside lamp over. If my heart had been entered into a race, it would have been tearing ahead of the other competitors.

“Do not worry!” he said, positively beaming. “I assured the shopkeepers that I would return them shortly! Now, I’d say these diameters are too similar to just be the work of mere coincidence-”

By this point, I had hopped off the bed, and was wearing circles into the carpet. “Oh my sweet, loving Celestia, we are screwed,” I mumbled. I felt a strange numbness in my legs, slowly creeping towards my chest.

“It’s not conclusive evidence, of course, but I do believe-”

“We are gonna be in jail until we die,” I gasped. Was my breathing getting faster? I wasn’t sure.

“-it’s a strong clue that these may not be too dissimilar!” Galiano brought the engagement ring up close to his eye, and turned it around. After a second, he gasped. “My goodness! I do believe I see some subtle magical etching on the inside of this! Perhaps it’s-”

“We are gonna get put on trial and I’m going to have to explain how the hell we got to the point of stealing sex toys to a judge,” I wheezed. “Am I ever going to be able to look my mother in the eye again?”

“-to make the ring more comfortable to wear, as I cannot imagine that cold metal against bare, sensitive skin would be too pleasant!” Looking away from the rings, he finally noticed my pacing. “You seem troubled!”

“REALLY!” I shouted, rounding on him. I was panting by this point. “I wonder WHY! Perhaps it’s because my expedition partner STOLE a priceless piece of jewelry, and on TOP of that, decided to commit GRAND THEFT COCK RING! I wonder if THAT could have ANYTHING to do with why I seem troubled!”

For a moment, he just stared at me. And then, he let out a raucous laugh. “Star, sometimes I think that you worry too much!”

It took everything in me to not give him a second black eye right then and there.

Wordlessly, I stomped over to the closet, tossed the doors open, and yanked my suitcase out, tossing it onto the floor. If I’m being honest, it barely qualified as a saddlebag - but it’s not exactly like they have valet service in a long-abandoned ziggurat. I began flitting around the room, tossing what meager things I had brought with me - the bare essentials - into it.

Galiano watched this all with no small degree of confusion. “What are you doing?”

“I am evacuating the crime scene posthaste,” I growled, yanking the bag closed. “Pack your shit. You’re coming too.”

“Oh, we’re leaving?” For a moment, his feathers drooped, before his eyes brightened once more and he moved to grab his satchel. “Splendid! We can analyze how the other parts of Equestria propose! I wonder if this tradition is local, regional, or national?” Absent-mindedly, he moved to grab the two boxes.

“If you even think of taking the rings with you, I am going to get a dragon to barbeque your wings.”

He yanked his arm back like it had already been burned. “Star, that was uncalled for,” he said, voice soft. The sheer novelty of that should not be understated - a quiet Galiano is more commonly known as an oxymoron.

“No, it wasn’t,” I said, tugging the straps around my barrel. “Allow me to spell this out for you. You are, currently, the only griffon in this town.” Tug. “And it’s not like we’re in Manehattan - this place is tiny.” Tug. “So if, perhaps, two disgruntled shopkeepers decided to report a theft to the local guard, crying about how a big, strong, mean griffon had stolen their wares, how long do you think it would take for them to find you?”

“I beg your pardon?” he gasped, his beak falling open.

I flew over to the door. Checking through the peephole, I saw the hallway was still empty. “Wanna take bets?” I asked, letting out a dry chuckle. “I’m saying ninety minutes max.”

“Now that’s just not fair!” He moved a hand to his breast, so he could look properly scandalized. “I was simply borrowing the rings, not stealing them! For research purposes! I was very clear with both of the shopkeepers about that fact.”

And just like that, my headache made a glorious return. I promptly landed, leaned against a wall, and took a shuddering breath. “You told some poor store owner that you were borrowing a cock ring for research purposes?”

“Correct!” he beamed.

“And that you intended to return it?”

“Also correct!”

For a moment, we stared at each other silently. Eventually, I shut my eyes, grimaced, and let out an agonized groan. “Galiano, I don’t know how to tell you this, but I guarantee that pony broke at least one land speed record running to the guard station as soon as you left.”

“I was serious, though!” He actually had the audacity to cross his arms and pout. I felt my eye start to twitch. “I was going to return them as soon as I was finished confirming that an engagement ring could fit around a penis!”

“Yeah, I don’t doubt that,” I said, checking the peephole again, “but those shopkeepers don’t know you. They have no reason to trust you.”

“They have no reason to distrust me, either,” he said, a smug grin on his face.

“Equestria is right next to Griffonstone.”

“Ah.” You’d think it’d be impossible for someone with feathers to pale, but somehow, he managed. “So most of the griffons they’ll encounter are from that absolutely unsavory excuse for a-” He paused. ”Oh, I’ve made a mistake, haven’t I?”

“Yeah, you have.” My heart rate was starting to increase again. I could almost hear the seconds ticking by, and quite frankly, it had been too quiet outside for too long. “And considering that theft charges get more severe the more the stuff you stole is worth, I really don’t wanna be around when the guard busts down the door looking for that fucking engagement ring.”

“Point made.” He slung the satchel over his shoulder, puffed out his chest, and donned his trademark dashing grin. “Onward, I suppose! Where shall we make haste to?”

“Anywhere that’s not here,” I said, and I meant it, too. “Pick a direction. I’ll find us a town to stay in. We just need to get away from Ponyville.”

For a moment, he got lost in thought, tapping his claws against the floor. Then, his face lit up, and I felt the most peculiar sense of dread. “We’ll go north!” he exclaimed, snapping his talons. “I just had the most wonderful idea!”

“Fantastic,” I droned. Another look through the peephole determined that the hallway was still, thankfully, empty. “We’re gonna leave the rings on the bed, inside their respective boxes, and we’re gonna make a mad dash for the side door.”

“Of course, of course!” And then, he paused. “May I make a request?”

“Shoot.”

“When considering the options we have for our next place of temporary residence, can you make sure the town you choose has a train station?” he asked, tilting his head to the side. “I’ve an inkling of our next destination for discovery!”

I should have said no. If I were in a better state of mind, I would have said no. In hindsight, he had that twinkle in his eye, that pep in his voice, all the signs that we were about to make a terrible decision. If I'd been fully there at that moment, I would have shut him down.

But I wasn’t. I was tired, I was afraid, I was still reeling from the day’s events, and I was also, probably, concussed (which, to be fair, was my own fault). So I didn’t do any of that. Instead, I rolled my eyes and sighed.

“Yeah, sure, whatever. Let’s go.”

And so we did.

“You, my good friend, are being remarkably unhelpful right now,” Galiano griped, his voice having turned sour some time ago.

“See, you say that like you expect me to know what the average Equestrian penile girth is,” I muttered, staring very pointedly at the dirt on the road in front of me.

Life, I had decided, was not worth living anymore.

I didn’t know exactly what time it was - all I knew is that it was late, later than anypony should reasonably be awake, and I still hadn’t managed to get a wink of sleep. I’d been awake for over twenty hours, I knew that, and I was practically dead on my hooves.

That’s right, my hooves. We could have been flying; both of us had perfectly functional wings, but Galiano wanted to talk to me on the journey, and contrary to what you may believe, it is not easy to hold a conversation with wind rushing past your ears. So walking it was, which meant we were moving about as fast as a particularly stubborn kidney stone.

Coincidentally, that was about how I felt, too. Galiano hadn’t tired at all. He still carried himself like he’d just gotten ready for the day, with a pep in his step and a coffee in his tummy. Sometimes, the capabilities of his seemingly boundless energy scared me.

… not that there aren’t benefits to it, but I’m gonna keep those to myself.

This was decidedly not one of the times where it was a boon. He’d decided to use his remarkable vigor to pester me with questions about every possible thing related to, as he put it, “the long and storied Equestrian tradition of the engagement sex ring!”

And I do mean every possible thing. How did it start? How were the rings made? Is it proper for a mare to measure in order to make sure it fits snugly? What do relationships without a phallus do? What about relationships with two? Why have I never heard of this before? Why are you so quiet all of a sudden, Star?

It was never ending. An almost unstoppable deluge of inquisitions about cock rings. I’d never thought I would hear so much about them in my life, let alone a single span of twenty four hours! And every single time I tried to head him off, to explain that this whole featherbrained quest was the result of a misunderstanding and an overactive imagination, he’d just bulldoze right over my objection with another Celestia-damned question, and we’d be right back to square one.

So I was tired, I was sore, and most importantly, I was as annoyed as a pegasus can possibly be.

And Galiano was still talking.

“I am simply curious as to the nature of the industry!” he groused, throwing an outstretched hand into the air. “Can they be made on an assembly line? If there is a certain degree of variation amongst the populace, I would expect that to be somewhat impossible, but the alternative is that each and every one is painstakingly and lovingly hoofmade!” He opened his beak to say more, but his voice hitched, and he paused, a flash of understanding crossing his face. “Which, I suppose, would be rather fitting for their use, yes?”

I grumbled something foul under my breath and kicked a rock down the road. Our destination could not arrive soon enough.

Ah, right, our destination.

Now, I wanna make something very clear. I wasn’t exactly in tip-top shape at this time. One might say that I’d been put through the wringer, as it were. But despite that, and despite the fact I had a chatterbox masquerading as a griffon talking my ear off, I still knew exactly where we were going, what shortcuts to take to get there fastest, and our approximate time of arrival.

Because I am the best damn star navigator in the business. And even though I was on my last legs, I could still get us to where we needed to go.

I’d settled on the town of Deerborn. It was, from my memories, perfect for our purposes - not terribly far away, neither overly small nor large, and sorta out-of-the-way, but not so far off the map it didn’t have a train station. The perfect town for two fugitives to hide in. Which, I guess, was what we were now? Taking into account the cock ring heist and all.

… Celestia above, it had been a long day.

And Galiano was still talking.

“I am simply engaging in the pursuit of knowledge, Star.” He’d dropped, for some unknown reason, to a whisper. I stole a glance at him - he was gazing off into the distance, wonder plastered over his every feature like he was made of it. “The profound truths that move the world forward, that keep the weather under control, the sun and moon moving, the cogs of industry a-turning. It’s a simple, noble quest. One that never ends, no matter what incredible things you find. It’s a wondrous way of life!” Annoyance clouded his expression, and I averted my gaze before he could catch it. “And for the life of me, I cannot fathom why you would want to obstruct it like you have been!”

And then, he surprised me. He ground his paws into the dirt and stopped. I wasn’t prepared for that, so my sleep-deprived self continued for a few more steps before realizing what had happened and turning to face him.

He caught my eye with an absolutely piercing glare, sucked in a huge gasp, and stamped his foot against the ground. “You’re either being deliberately obtuse, and trying to hide the secrets of the cock ring world from me, or ponies don’t propose to each other like that at all!”

The last bit was said with a scoff, mind you. Like that couldn’t possibly be the case.

To my credit, I did not laugh at him. Instead, I simply snorted and rolled my eyes. “Tell me, Galiano, are you familiar with Hoccam's razor?”

“No! But do put a pin in that, though, for later. It sounds wonderfully fascinating!” And then he pranced past me, a new spring in his step. “We can find it on our NEXT adventure!”

I stared at him in mild disbelief for a couple seconds before resigning myself to following once more.

“Once we arrive in Deerborn, I propose we conduct interviews!” he said with a shocking amount of glee. “See what the rest of Equestria is willing to tell me, since somepony’s decided to give me the silent treatment.”

This time, it was me who stopped suddenly. “No.” I said curtly. “Absolutely not.”

“Whyever-”

“We are already fleeing from the guard, I am not going to let you get arrested for public indecency two seconds after showing up!” Was my eye twitching again? It probably was. “For Celestia’s sake, use some common sense!”

“What kind of fiend do you take me for, Star?” he said, confused. “I am not planning to walk up to prospective interviewees and, ah… drop anchor, as it were?” He had the audacity to wink after that.

If it wasn’t twitching before, it definitely was now. “Galiano, I don’t know what it was like where you grew up,” I started, trudging forward, “but most ponies don’t consider sex toys to be a topic of polite conversation.”

“See, that’s another thing!” He sped up slightly, to get in front of me again. “If this is a tradition, then why does everypony get so embarrassed by it?” A pause. “Is it taboo? Is it some sort of trial, a difficult social line one must walk to prove their love is legitimate?”

“Did you just seriously ask me if walking up to ponies and asking them about cock rings is taboo?”

“Yes!”

I almost dignified that with a response, but at the last second, thought better. Instead, I turned my eye to the stars once more.

After a couple seconds, I spread my wings. “Walking, it’ll take us another three hours to get there. If we fly, it’ll take thirty minutes.” Looking over my shoulder, I motioned for him to do the same. “So we’re flying the rest of the way there, of course.”

“What?” he said. “Why?”

“Galiano, I am tired,” I sighed. “I haven’t slept since you woke me up yesterday. I’ve had what can only be described as a series of increasingly severe heart attacks, and on top of it all, you’ve been asking me the most inane questions I’ve ever heard for hours!” I paused, panting slightly. “To put it simply, I am at the end of my rope in more ways than one. If we keep walking, I’m either going to drop dead on the road or I’m gonna kill you. Either way, we won’t make it to Deerborn.” A beat. “So we’re gonna fly there. For both of our sakes.”

He didn’t respond to that for quite a while. I huffed slightly, turned back towards the town, and flapped my wings slightly - not enough to get off the ground, but enough to suggest we should.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

I sighed. “I know.” Turning back to face him, I offered a small smile. “Trust me, if I wasn’t okay with this, I wouldn’t have stuck with you until now. I just need to draw the line somewhere.”

He returned the grin with one of his own. “Consider that line drawn, my friend.” He looked off to the horizon. “When we arrive in town, I shall find us another hotel. From there, we can decide what’s next.”

“Thank fuck.”

And with that, we took off.

By this point, you must think I hate him. Dragging me to the ends of the world and back, chattering like an auctioneer the whole time and refusing to take even the slightest of breaks. It can be exhausting, yes, but he does listen when I say things have gone too far. Though he hasn’t found his own limits yet, he recognizes how important mine are.

Like I said, Galiano is nothing if not caring.

Do also remember that most of the time we’re doing this, it isn’t on a quest to discover the historical origins of the cock ring. That’s also a big factor.

I don’t know exactly when I fell asleep. I’d like to think it was after we made it to town, but if I’m being honest, it’s just as likely that I passed out in midair. All I do know is that my first taste of Deerborn was a nice, plush hotel bed. When I sat up and saw Galiano wasn’t in the room, I promptly laid back down, rolled over, and fell back asleep. It was nice.

And stupid.

Because that meant Galiano was probably in town. Asking questions. Treating common faux-pas like a checklist. Getting into all sorts of trouble. If I had been more awake, I would have realized that, but unfortunately, I didn’t. I was still tired.

And that’s why the second time I woke up, we weren’t in Deerborn anymore.

“Why is it snowing?!”

The first thing I noticed was that I was, somehow, rumbling. Coming out of the deepest sleep I’d had in months, that fact was distinctly confusing. Opening my eyes didn’t clear things up all too well, either, since most of my field of vision was filled with a familiar griffon (who looked positively elated to see me awake, by the way). Slowly, more and more details began to fall into place - evenly spaced benches, rows of windows, a distinct clacking sound, and other ponies trotting up and down an aisle to my right - I was on a train.

And outside, it was snowing. Which, considering the fact it was currently summer, was a tad concerning.

“Star!” Galiano shouted, clapping his talons together with no small amount of glee (and no small amount of volume, either). “You’re awake!”

“Shocker,” I grumbled, rubbing some sleep out of my eyes. “Did winter decide to come early this year or something? Are the windigos back?” A spike of anxiety stopped my next question on my lips. “Wait, how long was I out?”

“Sixteen hours!” he beamed, and I silently mourned the loss of our steamship tickets. “Worry not - I used that time quite effectively.”

My head whipped back to the window, focusing on the blizzard outside. “What the hell did you do?!”

“I bought two train tickets!” he answered, producing them from his saddlebag with a flourish.

“And?”

“And that’s it!”

For a moment, I struggled to find words. When that failed, I resorted to flailing my hooves wildly, eventually settling on pointing out the window. “How?” I stammered.

“Ah, that’s the question of the hour, isn’t it?” He leaned back on the bench, his eyes growing distant. “To put it simply, the good citizens of Deerborn were, for the most part, utterly unwilling to assist in our quest.” Air rushed through his beak - at some point, he’d started imitating my snorting.

“Unbelievable.”

“Time after time, ponies refused to answer my questions,” he said, a sour note finding its way into his words. “I was rebuked, rejected, and rebuffed at every turn - sometimes with force. They threw me out of the town bakery for simply asking an elderly gentlestallion if he had to resize with age!”

“Galiano!” I shrieked, my jaw falling open.

“Absolutely ridiculous, I know!” he lamented, letting out an olympian sigh. “Alas, such is the way of the truth-seeker, I suppose.” A beat, filled with the sound of his talons tapping against the wooden bench. “After the fourth or fifth shop-”

“You got thrown out of five shops?!”

“-I found myself trotting down mane street, my head hung low and my hopes dashed.” The feathers on the crest of his head drooped noticeably, and he seemed to shrink a couple sizes right before my eyes. “None of the ponies would even talk to me - apparently, word gets around quickly, and I had developed a bit of a reputation.”

“Getting thrown out of five stores tends to do that, yeah,” I said, my eyes wide.

“I had no-one to go to.” I’m pretty sure I could see sparkles in the corners of his eyes at this point. “I had utterly failed in my mission, and had nothing to show for the hours I’d spent wandering around the town. I felt positively lousy.” He paused, and his feathers perked back up. “And then I heard hoofsteps, Star.

“There was a stallion approaching. He was overall unremarkable - I may have passed him in the street before, but we certainly hadn’t spoken. He was clearly nervous, but the way he carried himself spoke of confidence and wisdom. He strode right up to me, offered me a smile, and said he’d heard that I was asking questions about love.”

I snorted at that, rolling my eyes.

“We fell into a conversation,” he continued, utterly unphased. “I confessed to him the nature of our quest, and the… hurdles we’d encountered thus far. To my surprise, he reacted with sympathy! I think he was the first pony I’ve met thus far to do so!” A pause. It was definitely targeted at me.

“Wow, Galiano, you made a friend,” I said, taking special care to keep my voice deadpan. “Did he cause the snowpocalypse?”

“Sort of!”

“What?”

A deep guffaw bellowed forth from his beak, and he leaned back even further on his seat. “I’m joking, Star!” It took a few seconds for him to calm back down. “All he did was enlighten me on something I didn’t know!”

I raised an eyebrow. “That being?”

He turned his gaze back to the window. “I had already formulated a backup plan of attack.” His voice was subdued. “I planned to run it by you once you had woken up. However, with the arrival of the kind stallion, an opportunity arose to earn the ear of a third party. He obliged, I told him the plan, and do you know what he told me?”

Blinking, I tapped a hoof against the floor.

For a moment, his gaze seemed to get lost in the swirling eddies outside, the snowflakes dancing in the turbulent air the train’s passage created. “Deerborn is a northern town,” he continued. His voice was still subdued, but was now positively brimming with quiet excitement. “So northern, in fact, that it boasts a privilege only a few other towns in Equestria can lay claim to. It has direct rail service to the Crystal Empire.”

My heart did a little dance called arrhythmia. “No.”

“It’s utterly foolproof, Star!” Galiano exclaimed, a positively radiant expression on his face. It was dark outside, but for a moment, the passenger car we found ourselves in knew the light of the sun. “If there’s any pony in all Equestria willing to divulge the secrets of you ponies’ marriage rituals, it’ll be the Princess of Love!”

“We are not going to waltz into the Crystal Empire and ask Princess Cadance about cock rings, Galiano!” I shouted, jumping to my hooves. Distantly, I recognized the sound of numerous ponies deciding they did not want to be involved with whatever was going on, moving off their benches and away from us.

“Whyever not?” he asked, tilting his head to the side.

“WHYEVER NOT?!” I screamed, flaring my wings out to the side. “You tell ME, featherbrain! Why on EARTH would it be a bad idea to ask a member of the MONARCHY what they know about PENIS RINGS?!”

“I genuinely do not know!” he said. The damnable smile never left his face. “It seems perfectly reasonable to me!”

Wordlessly, I let out a squeak and slumped back onto the bench. Unbidden, images began to flash through my mind - images of guards, chains, dungeon cells, guillotines-

“You’ve gone remarkably pale!”

I snorted. I couldn't help it. “I fucking wonder why, Galiano.”

“So do I!” He shimmied slightly in his seat, an elated chirp escaping his beak. “I simply cannot wait! Not only am I going to finally discover the nature of the propositional cock ring, but the empire itself is a snapshot of ancient hist-”

“Galiano, where are we going to stay?” I interrupted, my eyes widening. “We’ve been moving a lot in the past couple days. I’m gonna need to repurchase our boat tickets, too. That’s not cheap.”

“We’re not!” he said. “Cadance does walk-ins!”

Silence filled the space between us. For a moment, I froze, my mouth hanging open and my head tilted off to the side, trying to parse that sentence through my sleep-addled brain, before I shook my head slightly and slumped back. “The Princess of Love does walk-ins?”

“So I’ve been told!”

“No vetting?” I asked. There was a strange pressure in my temples, and it seemed to be building. “No background checks? She just lets anybody waltz in on any given day to talk about love?”

“Correct!” Galiano said, grinning. “We can make it a day-trip!”

“A day-trip,” I muttered, my voice hollow with disbelief. “Skipping town to hang out with the monarchy.” A short bark of laughter escaped me. “What a concept!”

“Exciting, isn’t it?” He leaned forward. I swear I could see him vibrating.

“Depending on how far you’re willing to stretch the definition of that word, sure.”

We lapsed into another silence after that. I found myself furtively glancing out the window, trying my damndest to see through the blustering winds and the swirling snow and praying that I didn’t find anything. Every minute that dragged by felt like another weight being added to my back, and I swore it was getting harder to breathe.

I’d been to the Crystal Empire before. I actually rather liked the place - once you got past the tourist traps and got used to the… outdated mannerisms of the locals, you could actually have a damn good time. I still had a few friends I’d met there I kept in sporadic contact with - not for lack of trying, but because it’s not easy to get postage in the middle of a South Amareican jungle.

Essentially, I wanted to be able to keep visiting. Preferably, as a free stallion.

The more I thought about that, the more anxious I got. I wasn’t exactly unfamiliar with Galiano pulling stupid stunts like this, but to my knowledge, he hadn’t done so in front of royalty before. There were, in the most literal sense, a million different ways this could go wrong - and knowing the birdbrain, he’d find a way to stumble into at least half before he even got to the castle.

… Can you take that off the record? That was unfair. Galiano always does what he thinks is gonna get results, and by that metric, he is one of the most effective birds out there.

No? Shit. Well, worth a shot.

In any case, there are boundaries one must set for oneself. I’d follow Galiano to Tartarus and back - if he had a good reason. It can be something as simple as wanting to discover something new, or as complicated as preserving a forgotten civilization, but it needs to be present.

Right now… it wasn’t.

It’d been at least forty-eight hours since this whole mess kicked off. I didn’t think that Galiano had slept since. Even now, if I looked at him, I could see circles under his eyes. Furthermore, I’d tried to intervene, to stop things from getting to this point, to clear up the misunderstanding that’d placed us on this train, but he had stoutly refused to listen.

And now, he was planning to ask a princess for a step-by-step guide on how to win a mare’s heart via dick-bracelet.

There wasn’t a good motivation behind this one. At this point, he was just being stupid.

“When we arrive, I suggest-”

I was ready this time. “Who’s we, Galiano?”

And that caught him off guard. His eyes widened, and he leaned back a little. “I beg your pardon?”

I chuckled a little. “See, I had this wonderful little idea a couple minutes ago,” I said. “It goes something like this: when we arrive, I’m gonna find a cafe and get a positively heavenly breakfast while you go talk to the princess. Seems like a perfectly reasonable thing to do - I’m in the mood for some pancakes.”

“But I thought-”

“Galiano, I’m Equestrian,” I said matter-of-factly. “I don’t need to ask Cadance about our own traditions - I already know the answers, right? I’d just be dead weight in the room.”

“Even so, I was under the distinct impression-”

“Crystal berries are in season.”

He did his beak-snort again. “And that somehow takes precedence over assisting me with the greatest mystery of our generation?”

Smiling softly, I leaned back in my seat. “In the Empire, you can get them fresh.”

“Oh.” His eyes widened. “Oh. I understand. Save some for me, will you?”

“Of course I will.”

We lapsed back into a comfortable silence for a couple seconds after that. Eventually, he squirmed in his seat, turning towards me with pleading eyes. “Are you sure it can’t wait until after-”

“Nah, I’m hungry.” Rolling my head on my shoulders, I let out a content sigh. “You gotta face this yourself, buddy. If you want me to see it, bring a camera and film it.” Pause. “Please do that, actually. Point is, I’m not coming with. End of story.”

He sighed. “There’s nothing I can do to convince you?”

“‘Fraid not. You’re on your own for this one.”

Can I talk about numbness for just a moment?

There is a certain threshold of bullshit beyond which your mind loses the ability to care. It’s a strange feeling, the complete apathy towards what life throws your way, but in a sense, it’s liberating. No matter what happens, you’re prepared. You can react. And you can put off the processing until later. So convenient.

With Galiano, you tend to reach that threshold rather quickly.

And not just that, but you find out there’s stages.

The first stage is hard to notice until you’ve been dealing with it for a couple months. Galiano returns with some new tidbit of information, or even, sometimes, an artifact, and conveniently forgets to mention the bumbling path of destruction and burned bridges it took to get it. Suddenly, you can’t remember what you were thinking the moment before, your sense of past and future fades to the back of your consciousness, and the whole of your focus goes to getting out of the situation you were just dropped into. Your emotions will still feel somewhat normal during this stage, but your reactions are completely different than they would be if you’d had time to process.

The second stage comes when you’ve been dealing with the first so long you start to notice that change. That’s when your emotions start to dull, the amount of energy you have settles into an unnatural, tepid flatness, and a cold pit opens up in your stomach as you realize the fact that the “you” you’re most familiar with isn’t at the helm. It’s unsettling, but you still feel like you have some degree of control, and it’s still possible to invest yourself in the task at hand.

The third stage is when that investment drops away. This is what most ponies think of when they think of numbness - that cold, fuzzy, disconnected feeling from the world around you, the state of emotional torpor where you can’t really muster up the drive to form feelings about what’s going on around you. Time flows together into a thick, unchanging soup, and the only thing a pony can really do is wait for their brain to feel safe enough to reconnect them to the world.

Most ponies will only experience stage three a couple times in their life. Most ponies don’t spend all their time with Galiano, either.

By the time the train broke through the endless blizzard of the frozen north and into the borders of the Crystal Empire, I was pretty thoroughly locked into stage one, and had been since at least when we left Ponyville. Convincing Galiano that he didn’t need to get props for his audience with Cadance almost pushed me to stage two, and by the time I sent him off to actually see the princess, I was in… a fairly desperate need of at least a couple hours of peace.

That in itself isn’t exactly uncommon. What is, however, is the fact that I actually got it.

And maybe it was the hectic nature of the past couple days. Maybe it’s the fact that any semblance of my sleep schedule has been quite thoroughly ground to dust. Or maybe the whole absurd nature of this quest had thrown me off my game. But despite everything that had happened so far, I still hadn’t learned to not leave that fucking featherbrain alone.

I was considering ordering lunch when the Crystal Guards started walking into the cafe.

The total time I’d gotten alone had been just under four hours. That had been more than enough to bring me out of stage one, and just too little for me to come to the realization that Galiano’s continued absence was suspicious. After my breakfast had concluded (which was delicious, by the way, there really is nothing like fresh crystal berries), I’d busied myself by talking with the locals. An unintended consequence of being separated from time for a thousand years is that the world tends to evolve without you. The crystal ponies have been playing cultural catch-up ever since the empire reappeared, and some of them have taken to talking with tourists. I’m always willing to oblige; I’ve seen more of the world than most, after all. Plus, adventures only become fun when you get to talk ‘bout them in hindsight.

Also, I got to cross-reference a couple of my older charts with the locals. No better input on the history of stellar movement than the ponies who were literally there, right?

I didn’t pay the first few Crystal Guards much mind, and neither did the rest of the patrons. It was after number seven walked in that I realized they were probably there for me.

The other patrons noticed, too. Ponies began to look worried; a couple scooted just a little off the edge of their benches, enough to get a head start if they needed to bolt for the exits. Conversations turned hush, ears began to swivel, and more than a few pairs of eyes landed on me. Given the details of some of the adventures I’d shared, it was understandable.

One of the guards approached the counter. The rest began to take up positions around the cafe, a table here, a bench there, all conveniently located close enough to a window or a door that they could move to block them.

I felt the urge to make sweet, concussive love to the table. Just a little.

By the time Galiano made his way into the cafe, I’d already stood up to greet him. He had the most peculiar look on his face, a strange blend of confusion, frustration, and a tinge of hurt.

I grimaced, sucked in a deep breath, and moved forward. “Galiano, what hap-”

And that’s when the Crown Prince of the Crystal Empire walked in behind him.

Most ponies will only experience stage three a couple times in their lives. I think I’m the only pony to experience a stage four, when the situation around you has derailed so completely and thoroughly that your brain just starts running on autopilot.

We made eye contact. I failed to come up with any sort of greeting, appropriate or not. Galiano later said I was doing a marvelous impression of a fish.

Somehow, Shining Armor wasn’t terribly fazed. “Can I join you two?” he asked, offering a little smile. Wordlessly, I nodded; resisting arrest just tends to make the arresting party angry, and like I mentioned earlier, I wanted to be able to come back to the empire someday.

The three of us returned to the table I’d occupied for the majority of the morning. A waitress quickly swooped by with two additional glasses of water, which Shining politely thanked her for, and silence filled the restaurant.

Shining looked at me, lips pressed tight together. Through the numb fog, I recognized my heart was beating faster. A pounding sensation began to saturate my temples, and my mouth opened-

“If I could have come without them, I would have,” the Crown Prince said sheepishly, a light blush rising to his cheeks.

“Wuh?” I blubbered.

“Do you know what my special talent is?” he asked. When I shook my head, he chuckled. “Magic shields.” A bubblegum-pink sphere of magic surrounded his water glass, lifting it off the table. “Any size, any strength. If I really try hard enough I can change its properties.” The chuckle returned, followed by a full laugh. “I’m just about the most qualified pony out there in terms of keeping myself safe, but the guard insists I keep a detail around in public just in case.”

“Makes… sense?” I said blankly, glancing over at Galiano and raising an eyebrow. He returned it with one of his own, which was, I’m told, helpful.

“Not sure what they think I’m gonna run into out here that’s stronger than Sombra,” Shining muttered, shaking his head, “but what can you do?” He extended a hoof over the table. “You must be Star Hunter. My apologies; if I’d known you were the shy type, I would have asked Galiano to fill you in before the guards got here.”

That got through the fog. “Oh, I’m not,” I said, shaking his hoof. “I just wasn’t expecting lunch with royalty. Your Highness-”

“You don’t have to worry about calling me highness,” he said, waving the other hoof. “I’ve been called Shining for most of my life and see no need for anything else among friends.”

“Wh- friends?” I said incredulously, my eyes widening.

Shining Armor smiled. “Of course we’re friends!” Leaning forward, he reached out and slapped Galiano on the back. “Your partner just did me a huge favor, and I certainly wouldn’t want to treat the most important pony in his life badly.”

I caught the featherbrain’s eyes. He responded with a shrug.

“W- what happened?” I stammered.

“In the most literal sense, the Empire did,” Shining explained, a downcast expression covering his face. “Do you know how much work it takes to run an entire country? Don’t answer that; I hope you never have to.” (I closed my mouth again). “Not only that, but to be the leaders saddled with reintegrating the Empire into global society?” A dry chuckle. “My headaches have headaches, and I’m not even the one doing most of it! That’s my wife, and she has open court on top of everything else!”

“Goddamn,” I whistled. Then I remembered I was in the presence of royalty. “S-sorry, that just kinda slipped out-”

“Star, I went through boot camp,” Shining said, mirth bubbling up beneath his words. “Far from the worst thing I’ve heard, let alone said. Besides, if our places were swapped, I would say the same thing.”

“So fucking fair.”

“All of that is to say, Cady and I’s schedules don’t have a stopping point,” He sighed again. “And I love Cady with all my heart, but I do miss seeing her outside of our jobs and our beds. It’s been tough.”

I winced, this time from sympathy. “I can imagine. That’s awful.”

“It’s what I signed up for,” Shining said, tapping the ring around his horn, “and she did too. It’s worth it, believe me.”

I snorted. “You married the literal princess of love. Do you have any idea how many tabloids I saw with your face beneath the words ‘world’s luckiest stallion?’” That earned an amused snort, and I risked a chuckle. “Trust me, I believe you.”

“Exactly!” Shining said, beaming. “But it’s been a couple months since we did anything together, just for us, and that does tend to weigh on the soul.”

“Mhm.” Galiano still hadn’t said a word, and that was starting to get really concerning. The longest stretch I’ve ever heard him go in a social situation is six minutes, and we were running up rather close against that record.

“So imagine how happy I was when Cady trotted into my office this morning, announced that she’d cleared my schedule, and that we were going on a week-long trip to the Bullhamas!”

I could hear myself blink. “Woah.”

Shining giggled. “I know, right? It’s exactly what we needed!”

“And he did that?” I asked, pointing to Galiano. The birdbrain, for his part, shrugged again. Shining didn’t notice.

“Cady says that he got her to realize that she’d been spending too much of her energy on her duties,” Shining explained. “She was so apologetic that she hadn’t been leaving enough for family.”

“Holy shit.”

“That’s what I said!” Shining exclaimed. “Like, I didn’t even think that it was that big of a deal, but I’m getting a vacation and time with my wife out of it, so I’m certainly not gonna complain.”

“Neither would I,” I said, plastering a grin on my face and hoping it was enough to hide how confused I was. “That’s absolutely incredible, Shining!”

“I know!” As he rose back to his hooves, the guards around the room did too, reshuffling their armor as they did so to make sure it seated properly. “I wish I could stick around for longer, but when I said Cady cleared my schedule, I meant it. The air carriage is actually parked outside.”

“Oh!” I said, feeling my own cheeks flush. “I’m so sorry! If I’d known, we wouldn’t have-”

A hoof-wave cut me off. “Please,” he said, “I wanted to bring Galiano back so I could meet you. It’s the least I can do.”

“If you say so,” I muttered, looking at Galiano for any clue. I got another shrug.

“I’ve gotta run, but it was amazing to meet you two!” Shining said, making his way towards the front entrance of the cafe. “If you find yourselves back in the Crystal Empire any time soon, please swing by the palace! Galiano mentioned you were just gonna be here for the day.” We both nodded. “Just mention to a guard that you’re here to see me, and we can maybe do an actual dinner together?”

“That would be amazing,” I whispered, dumbstruck.

“Awesome!” Shining said. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a vacation to enjoy. Thank you again, Galiano.”

“‘Twas my pleasure,” Galiano said softly, offering a warm smile. I kicked him underneath the table.

“See you for dinner, eventually!” And with that, Shining Armor left, the rest of his guards filing out behind him.

For a moment, all I could do was stare at the door. The birdbrain found his voice before I did. “I, for one, did not expect the former captain of Equestria’s royal guard to be so approachable.”

And that was enough to set me off. Whirling around, I put myself face to face with him. “You have thirty seconds to explain what the fuck just happened.”

“Well, you see-” he began.

“If you shrug again, I’m gonna deck you.”

“-I… don’t quite know myself,” he finished, his warm grin turning sheepish.

My jaw hung open. “How.”

“I’m trying to work that out,” he said, rubbing the back of his head.

“Let’s start with Cadance,” I said, feeling the beginnings of a headache coming on. “What the hell could you have possibly said to that alicorn that caused her to re-evaluate her own relationship? She’s the Princess of Love!”

Galiano stuck his talons up. “Breathe, Star, breathe!” His gaze grew distant. “All I did was ask the same question I’ve been asking since Ponyville!”

I groaned. “And how did she react?”

“She laughed!” he exclaimed, and the hurt in his face intensified. “She just started laughing at me!”

“They didn’t do that in Deerborn?”

“No, you don’t understand!” he said, frustration brimming in his words. “One of the guards told me she didn’t stop laughing until ten minutes after I left!”

It almost ended there, believe it or not.

Galiano, for all his faults, generally knows when to call it quits, and as it turns out, asking a question so ridiculous it caused the Princess of Love to analyze her own relationship instead of even trying to answer it is a pretty recognizable sign to let whatever caused you to ask the question go. It’s not pleasant for him; he hates leaving quests unfinished more than anything in the world, but even he can recognize a dead end.

This was no exception - the walk back to the train was a sullen one, with his crest feathers drooping and the words exchanged being few. I did remember to pick up the fresh berries for him, and when I gave them over it helped somewhat, but he still didn’t recover fully. I wasn’t expecting him to, for a number of reasons.

Abandoning a quest is hard enough for him. This was the first time that he had to do it because of a shot to his ego. The trees in the jungle don’t tend to fire back, and I mostly let him do what he wants to. In a way, it’s charming.

Was I annoyed? Yes. I had a whole list of things I was going to bring up with Galiano that sprung directly from this debacle. I was just going to wait until he had gotten back to his usual bombastic self before doing it.

I thought it was over, so there was no urgent need.

I mentioned the tourist traps, right? Good. Now let’s talk about the tourists.

Have you ever taken a step back and analyzed the Crystal Empire for what it is? It’s a fascinating place. An exotic oasis in the far frozen North, where the endless snow and the frigid gusts give way to green grass, unique species of animals and plants, with delicious, exotic fruits you can’t get anywhere else. The oasis is powered by an underlying magical effect from the local population, an effect reliant on a sense of intercommunal love and care. Essentially, when the crystal ponies love each other very much, they, and anypony else in the Empire at the time, gets blasted by a wave of love magic that turns everything, including the buildings (which are already made of crystal), sparkly.

Now stick the actual, literal embodiment of love on the throne.

Let’s just say that the Crystal Empire tends to attract a specific kind of tourist, and they generally come in pairs.

We almost made it back to the train before things went wrong. Galiano was thoughtful enough to ensure that the tickets he had bought in Deerborn were two-way, so we had skipped the ticket window and moved directly onto the platform. Hell, our train had even pulled in. We were this close to leaving the Empire and getting on with our lives; maybe even getting on our way to ancient Sumareia.

And the next thing I knew, Galiano vanished from my side. He reappeared about a dozen pony-lengths away, cornering a couple who had just stepped off the train.

I was too far away to hear what they were saying, but I could see what was happening. He pulled one of the stallions away from the other, far enough away to be out of earshot, and they began talking. The conversation seemed to be about one of his saddlebags.

Eventually, they both split off from each other. The stallion had a huge grin on his face as he walked back to his coltfriend, but Galiano didn’t immediately come back. Instead, he made his way towards the back of the platform.

It was right about then that the call to start boarding was made. Coincidentally, it was also about the time that, with horror, I realized Galiano still had our tickets.

I knew what he had done the second I saw him coming back. There wasn’t a sign left of the feather droop that plagued him on the way to the platform, the bounce in his step was back, and an ear-to-ear grin had replaced the forlorn stare on his face.

I didn’t even have the energy to argue. “What did you find?” I asked.

“My dear friend, I think I’ve found our best lead yet,” he said with the blustering swagger I’d come to know so well. And with a distinctive flourish, he brandished our tickets.

The return stub no longer read “Deerborn.” In its place was the capital city of Equestria.

Why didn’t I put my hoof down? You tell me. Personally, my best guess is that I’d just somehow scored a dinner with royalty out of a situation I thought was gonna put me in jail, and if that could end well, I saw no reason why whatever lead Galiano had couldn’t be indulged.

Yes, I know it’s ironic. Hindsight is twenty-twenty, and in this case, partially obscured by prison bars. You don’t have to tell me that.

In any case, I didn’t stop him. I know I should have. Instead, we watched our train depart, waited for the next line to come in, and boarded the coaches bound for Canterlot.

And then the feathery bastard proceeded to not tell me what he’d found until we were already fucking there. I spent the entire train ride trying to get answers, but his beak was sealed tight. The only thing I knew is that he was one hundred percent certain this lead would be the one, even more so than he was with Cadance. My fear, as you can imagine, was palpable and effectively ignored.

It was a great relief when Galiano immediately turned away from the palace and began to head for the commercial district.

We’d made it out of the Empire a bit after noon - as such, by the time Galiano and I were making our way through the streets of Canterlot, Celestia was starting to lower the sun. I’ll be the one to say it - there’s absolutely nothing like a sunset in the mountain city, and I’m a pegasus. I swear Celestia puts special care into making sure it looks good here, cause I can get to that height at any time and it just doesn’t hit the same.

That’s not relevant? Fine. The sunset was really fuckin’ pretty, and was almost enough to distract me from the fact I had absolutely no idea what I was walking into.

Eventually, I stopped admiring the view. “So, are you gonna tell me where the hell we’re going before the sun sets completely, or are you waiting for Luna to be able to hear it too?” I asked, nudging his side with a wing.

He chortled. “Of course not! A destination without a motive is merely an address!” He swept an arm around in a grand gesture, making sure to point at every building number he saw.

“You’re an ass, you know that?” I replied.

“Only for you,” he replied, sending a wink my way (which earned him a light wing-slap). “I just figured you’d appreciate knowing why we’re going there first.”

“Please,” I groaned, looking back towards the road. On either side of us, ponies were giving us a wide berth. Despite being the capital city, where most of Equestria’s foreign affairs take place, the majority of the residents act like they’ve never seen a griffon before. Fortunately, being around Galiano tends to inundate one to stares; they’re usually because of his behavior, though.

“Verily!” He exclaimed, rearing up to clap his talons together. “I assume you saw the pair of ponies I spoke to on the platform?”

I rolled my eyes. “If I didn’t, we’d be going to an optometrist.”

If he registered the jab, he ignored it. “Did you notice anything… special, about them?” he goaded, leaning over to me.

“That they were dating and probably there to propose?” I droned.

His eyes widened, and his beak went a little slack. “Yes, actually.” A pause, filled by the sound of our steps. “That’s exactly why they were there. How did you know that?”

For a moment, I just stared at him. He stared right back, raising a feathery eyebrow. Eventually, I sighed and kept walking. “Raw sexual intuition.”

“A stallion of many talents, you are,” Galiano murmured, a touch of amazement in his voice. “In any case, yes, the stallion I was speaking to was there to propose to his coltfriend.” He chortled again. “Funny, the amount of people I keep running into who are doing that!”

“Shocking,” I said flatly. “Where’s the part where I find out why you decided to harass them?”

“Oh, hardly harassment!” he scoffed, a sour expression crossing his face. “Far from it! In fact, I’d say I was there to prevent disaster.”

My ears perked up. “I certainly didn’t see disaster in the making,” I ventured.

“Your eyes are good, Star,” he replied, “but mine are those of a hawk. By some miracle, my gaze crossed over that stallion’s saddlebags, and I saw a ring box.”

“... Yes.” I paused, letting the sounds of the city fill the space between us. “Because he was there to propose. That’s generally what you do when you propose.”

“Allow me to clarify!” Galiano chirped happily. “I saw a ring box that was fairly obviously meant to be concealed.”

“Oh.” From the corner of my eye, I noticed a flickering magical projection in a street-level window. A quick glance confirmed it was an advertisement; we’d reached the commercial district. “So you went over to tell him that his soon-to-be hubby was about to have his big surprise spoiled?”

“Bingo,” he said. “He was quite thankful; told me he had a whole day planned for the proposition that his coltfriend had no idea about.”

“Good on you,” I said, and I meant it. “He’s gonna be thankful for the rest of his life.” A group of passing foals saw us, gasped, and hurried on. After a moment, I could hear them making squawking noises. If Galiano noticed, he paid them no mind. “How… exactly does that get us to Canterlot?”

Galiano’s grin deepened. “Because that’s not the only reason I went over.”

I felt the first pang of dread. The one that signifies it’s already too late. “Oh no.”

“As it just so happens,” Galiano began, “that stallion wasn’t proposing with just any ring. I recognized the box.”

I brought up a foreleg and bit it. Just in the vain hope that the past three days had been some sort of dream.

“He got his ring from the same jeweler as the musician in Ponyville did,” he whispered. “The ring that she got for her earth pony fiancee.”

And by the time I had torn my horrified gaze away from him so I could look at where we were going, we were already walkingup to a shop by the name of Garnet Shine’s Jewels And Enchanting.

From the outside, it already looked expensive. The door’s edges were gilded in gold, and the knob had been replaced with what looked to be a sapphire bigger than my hoof. The store owner had opted against using advertisement projections - instead, the windows were FILLED with enchanted gadgets, each of them ticking away in pristine and perfect order. Inside, I could see rows of shelving - and most of them glinted in the way that suggests you should really avoid breaking anything if you ever want to afford a house.

I noticed all of that. If I had to guess, Galiano only noticed the shop’s name.

“Why go to the Princess of Love to ask about cock rings,” he said, a near-reverent tone soaking every syllable, “when you could just ask the ringmaker themselves?”

“Galiano, no,” I hissed frantically. “Please, don’t drag some poor jeweler into this. This is Canterlot, if you embarrass yourself here it’s gonna have consequences-”

But by the time I looked over at him, he was already walking through the door.

I don’t know how long I stood there, just watching the door swing back and forth until it closed. I just know the entire time, I was trying to decide how I was going to kill him.

Eventually, I gathered up enough courage to face the music myself. When I walked in, Galiano and the jeweler were already talking. If the shop looked expensive from the outside, the inside could best be described as a treasury. Rows upon rows of glass cases displayed some of the largest gems I’ve ever seen, stuff fit for a dragon’s hoard, with various signs denoting which were enchanted, which were unprocessed, and which were jewelry grade. The featherbrain had made his way to the jewelry case, where ponies who didn’t want to go through the process of commissioning a custom piece (or simply could not afford to) could choose one off the shelf.

I must’ve looked some shade of awful, cause when the jeweler noticed that I’d walked in, I saw her wince. “Oh, hello!” she called out, her true voice poorly masked behind layers of customer service. She was an older unicorn mare, with fur to match her name; she looked to be getting to retirement age. “Welcome to Garnet’s Jewels. I’m Garnet, but I think you got that part already. I’m helping this lovely gentleman at the moment, but if you want to take a look around-”

“Ma’am,” I interrupted, and I didn’t fully recognize my own voice. Galiano noticed too, turning towards me with concern in his eyes. “I just want you to know I have done everything in my power to prevent what is about to happen, and it wasn’t enough. For that, I am sorry.”

In hindsight? Poor choice of words.

I watched the color drain from her face. “Are you two here to rob me?”

“Perish the thought, Garnet!” Galiano exclaimed, frantically waving his arms. “I would never dream of doing such a thing! I’m just a humble griffon, hoping to learn more about Equestrian marriage customs!”

There’s something special about watching a trainwreck you knew was coming, but couldn’t stop. Time slows down, sound becomes a little muted, and you just kinda resign yourself to what’s coming while hoping the damage isn’t gonna be too bad.

I could see the gears grind to a halt in her head. “Oh… kay?” she said, making no attempt to mask her confusion. “I’m not sure what customs you’re referring to, but if you’re looking for marriage advice, you came to the right place.”

“Splendid!” Galiano exclaimed.

I took a deep breath, grimaced, and preemptively sat down so I could put my head in my hooves.

“It’s a simple question, really, one of logistics,” he said. If I was listening a bit more closely, I probably would have heard the dominoes of fate topple into place. “How does one ensure that the ring they’re purchasing is the right size for the intended recipient’s penis?”

And for a moment, the world stood still.

I could see as every word splashed across that poor mare’s face. I watched as she tried to reconcile what she just heard with her decades of industry experience. I could do nothing as I watched her file through every tidbit of information she’d ever picked up relating to her job, searching for something, anything that could make the words she’d just heard make sense.

She didn’t succeed. “I’m sorry, what?” Her voice sounded like the death of a lifelong dream.

“I witnessed a proposal that used one of your rings!” he continued on, completely failing to recognize what was happening to the mare in front of him. “A unicorn proposing to an earth pony, to be precise. She said yes, and it was only the next day that I realized she didn’t have a horn to wear the ring on!” He chuckled, and I watched the final piece of understanding click in Garnet’s brain. “And you ponies don’t have talons! So I deduced that the ring was for a different kind of horn, hmm?”

By this point, Garnet’s jaw was basically on the floor. The only sound in the shop besides our own breaths was that of the ponies walking outside.

After about ten seconds of pure, tortured, agonizing silence, Galiano cleared his throat. “I’m, of course, not judging!” he said sheepishly, a slight blush showing through his feathers. “I just want to understand how it works.”

Garnet swallowed nervously, turning to me. “Is he serious?” she asked, her voice riddled with shock.

“Unfortunately,” I groaned.

“I just want to know!” Galiano helpfully added. “I’ve been traveling across the country for the better part of two days to find out. It’s remarkably hard to get information on this subject.”

For a moment, Garnet’s jaw fell slack again. I saw her eyes flick up and down his body, trying to see if what was wrong with him was visually obvious. Eventually, though, she pursed her lips, reached under the counter, and pulled out a ring box.

“Thank you,” Galiano gasped. “Seriously, you are the only pony who’s been willing to giv-”

She opened the box, took the ring out, and placed it on her horn. Galiano broke off, raising an eyebrow. While maintaining a positively piercing glare, Garnet Shine removed the ring from her horn, placed it on the counter, and put her hoof on top of it.

For a moment, nothing happened. After a couple seconds, though, a soft, golden light shone from underneath her hoof. Galiano’s pupils shrank to the size of pinpricks as he watched the golden ring expand from its diminutive size to that of a hoof circlet. Eventually, the mare’s hoof sank through the center, and the band shrank just enough as to not fall off.

The jeweler didn’t say a single word. She just held the band up for him to see and waited.

Galiano swallowed. “Oh.” And then he turned to me. “Well, why didn’t you just say they did that in the first place?”

And it was at that point that the Royal Guard burst through the front door of the shop and arrested us. Good thing, too, because, and I know I’ve been saying this a lot, but I’m serious, if I hadn’t been restrained at that moment, I would have dropped all semblance of equinity and gone for his fucking throat.

“So you’re telling me,” the interrogator said, “that if I went down to the Bullhamas right now, not only would I find Princess Cadance and Shining Armor, but Shining Armor would be able to confirm that he invited you to dinner?”

On the other side of the cell, Star Hunter sighed. “Look, I don’t know how that happened either, but I’m serious. I already gave you the tickets that prove we were in the Crystal Empire then.” A midnight-blue wing came up to scratch an itch in a noon-blue mane. “This just kinda happens with Galiano. If I had control over the situation, we would have cleared up the misunderstanding at Sugarcube Corner, but he literally wouldn’t let me get a word in edgewise.”

“I’d call you a liar, but I just got done interviewing him.” The policemare stood up, stretched, and winced. “So, what do you want to happen next?”

“I don’t think I have control over that at this point,” Star admitted, raising his hoofcuffs above the table.

“You sure?” The officer glanced back down at her clipboard, which was still sitting on the table. “The only actual warrant I see here is for the theft of the rings in Ponyville, and it’s not even for you.” She paused. “Since all the… items were recovered and returned to their respective stores, it’s up to the owners to press charges, but I don’t think you’ll be caught up in that either. Galiano admitted he was acting alone.”

“Oh. Huh.” For a moment, the navy pegasus was completely silent. The policemare watched him, her jaw muscles tensing. “What do you think’s gonna happen to him?”

“If the owners press charges?” the policemare asked. “My guess is a fine. If it went to jail time, he’d be in there for less than a year.”

“Thank fuck for that,” Star muttered.

“Language.”

“Let me say fuck or I’ll sue for wrongful detainment.”

The ponies looked at each other for a moment, before Star snorted. “Kidding, of course.”

“You better be, ‘cause you would not win that suit,” the officer said curtly, picking up the clipboard in her field. “In all honesty, I don’t think they’re going to press charges. At the end of the day, no harm was done, and Galiano did say he was going to bring them back.”

Another snort. “I know it doesn’t help much, but Galiano is one of the few people you can trust when he says that.”

“Perhaps. It also helps that I’m pretty sure that the store owners will agree that there’s no way prison will punish him worse than he’s already punished himself.” The officer’s horn flared brightly, and Star’s cuffs dropped to the floor. “You’re free to go, by the way. I’ve determined based on the evidence we have that there’s no need to pursue criminal charges for you.”

“Praise Celestia,” Star snarked back as he stood.

“Word of advice, Star,” she said. “Next time you have to give a police interview? Cut back on the equicidal ideation.”

Star laughed. “You know damn well what I meant,” he said, stretching his forehooves out in front of him. “Thanks for getting those off. You got any recommendations for where I can put up for the night while we wait for the verdict on the birdbrain?”

“You’re staying?” the officer asked incredulously.

“Yeah. Ponyville’s not your jurisdiction, so it’ll take some time for that to get processed.” He stretched his wings to their fullest extent. “You guys are prolly gonna hold him overnight.”

“You’re not wrong,” the officer said.

“Yeah, I know.” A chuckle. “If you haven’t gathered by now, this isn’t exactly our first rodeo.”

For a moment, the officer stood still, watching as the pegasus shook out his stiffened limbs. “You don’t have to stand by him,” she said softly. “If he’s consistently getting the two of you into trouble like this, associating with him could be dangerous for you. You seem like a good stallion.”

“And I am,” Star affirmed, shaking his mane out. “And yeah, Galiano can be a handful. But he’s my handful.” He froze, snorted, and chuckled. “And hey, it sure as hell beats lonely nights on the shipping lanes.”

“Handful?” the officer asked.

“It’s a griffon expression,” he said, ears flicking back. “My bad. But you get the idea.”

“And I can’t stop you,” the officer conceded. “When you walk out of the station, head north for three streets and turn left. There’s a place called the Hog’s Lodge.” Her nose wrinkled. “Not the most pleasant of places, but it’s super cheap.”

“Perfect,” Star whistled. “Is there a good time tomorrow for me to come pick him up?”

“We should have word from Ponyville by ten in the morning.”

“Neato.” As he headed for the room’s exit, he paused. “By the way, how did you guys track us down so quickly in Canterlot?”

“Garnet has a panic button,” the police officer said. “We notified jewelers that there was a griffon thief on the run as soon as it became clear he fled Ponyville. From the moment he entered J&E, we were coming.”

“Smart,” Star said. “Sorry for dragging you all into this mess too.”

“Don’t worry about it,” the officer assured. “It’s my job.”

“Yeah, and it’s mine to keep Galiano’s antics contained, or at least harmless,” Star said. “I’ll see you tomorrow at ten. Quick tip, if you station a guard near his cell, nobody in the jail’s gonna get any sleep with him trying to make conversation.”

“Noted and appreciated,” the officer said.

“Cool. Don’t let the featherbrain get into any trouble without me.” And with that, Star Hunter slipped out of the interrogation room.

The police officer wasn’t sure how long she stood there, staring at the door. Eventually, though, she sighed, shook her head, muttered something profane under her breath, and moved towards the two-way mirror embedded in the cell’s wall.

It only took a couple seconds from when she started fixing her mane for a knock to sound on the door. “Come on in,” she said. When the door opened, a younger stallion walked in, using his wing to keep a stack of papers pressed tightly to his side. “Did you get all that?”

“Yeah,” the scribe affirmed. “Heck of a lot easier to get everything down than with the griffon, lemme tell you.”

“I don’t doubt it,” she replied, continuing to tweak her mane.

The scribe watched her in silence for a couple moments. Eventually, though, he took a step forward. “You only do that after tough interrogations,” he ventured softly. “I thought those two went smoothly. Did I miss something?”

“No, they were fine,” the policemare said, stepping away from the mirror. The scribe moved for the door, and she followed. “I’m just tired of dealing with arrests that wouldn’t have happened if everybody in Equestria had access to couple’s therapy.”

Author's Note

Inspired by a particularly unhinged conversation with a friend.

I regret nothing.