Author's Note
Half an idea I had, jammed into a story that had stalled. Et voila.
Also don’t think I did Rainbow Dash justice here but I do this for a lark, not for a living.
Nothing much at all
Rainbow Dash had mastered laziness, but this should come as a surprise to no-one. After all, what was there that she could not?
Of course, she had never (and would never) think of her achievement in such terms. It wasn’t something she’d needed to think about at all, it had simply come naturally to her, but that doesn’t make it any less impressive. If anything, it only makes it more impressive, that she could master laziness and not even think it was worth noticing.
Which, again, should come as no surprise. This is Rainbow Dash, after all. Impressive is the starting point, that’s where the baseline is. It’s all up from there.
Today, this laziness had manifested in her working extremely hard and getting all of the things she needed to do (and a couple of things some of the others on the team had needed to do) done extremely quickly. After all, what is lazier than having nothing to do and what better way is there to have nothing to do than to do it all?
This hadn’t been her exact thinking, but it was close enough. Her exact thinking had been something more along the lines of: ‘The sooner I get this done the sooner I can have lunch and go and have a nap’ and indeed this was what she was now going to go and do.
And it was while she was going to go and do it that she spotted someone.
Roger. Roger the interloper.
This wasn’t how Rainbow thought of him, it should be said (to continue a theme), if only because she had very little need or reason to ever use the word ‘interloper’ in day-to-day conversation. She knew what it meant, obviously, at least in essence, even if her definition likely wouldn’t match up exactly with what was written down in this or that book.
No, she called him that because that was what he said his name was. Another of the several reasons why he was a bit of a weirdo. His being an alien from parts unknown was the least of his problems, that Rainbow could let slide - after all, the world was full of all sorts - it was his overbearing weirdness that did it for her.
There was just something about him. Something off. Maybe it was the moustache, maybe it was something more intangible. Something she just couldn’t really put her hoof on.
Still, despite his offness and questionable facial hair, right at that moment he did look to have food, and he was, for all his faults, another connoisseur of laziness, this Rainbow knew. These two factors clearly overrode whatever misgivings Rainbow might have had, because she was hungry and he had food and he was right there.
And so down she went, banking and diving and coming to a swooping, flapping halt in the air and then dropping down a little distance from him, strolling the rest of the way.
He was sitting in the shade of a tree on a blanket and besides a basket and, as she approached, was midway through nibbling a piece of cheese with far more delicacy that was strictly required. Seeing her coming he gave a wave.
“Aha, good afternoon Rainbow Dash, welcome to the picnic. By all means, sit,” he said, taking her arrival entirely in stride and indicating the blanket.
Again, just something about him kind of weirded her out, but not intolerably so. She sat.
“Done for the day?” Roger asked and Rainbow Dash nodded. He nodded to, apparently having expected this answer. “Good, good,” he said.
“You waiting for anyone or…?” She asked. The basket and blanket would indicate so, but you couldn’t be sure.
“Me? No, no. Just thought it was a nice day - courtesy of you and your colleagues, no doubt - so I might as well have a picnic. Be a waste otherwise. We make the most of where we find ourselves, hmm?”
“Uh huh. And, uh, how you like Ponyville so far?” Rainbow asked, feeling she should make some effort at small talk prior to getting at his food and knowing that he had recently moved.
“I find the pace of life here far more agreeable. Slower, more relaxed. Rather goes for this whole world, come to think of it. Sedate. Peaceful,” he said, waving a hand as though it was being wafted by the breeze before plunging it into his basket and plucking up another chunk of cheese.
“There are monsters, you know,” Rainbow said. She might have let it slide in normal circumstances but for whatever reason having him describe Equestria as peaceful rubbed her up the wrong way. Perhaps it undermined her many notable adventures and triumphs?
Swallowing the cheese, Roger shrugged.
“Yes, that’s true, and also the occasional world-threatening catastrophe or so I hear, but a little excitement is always welcome. Helps break things up, you know? And certainly, compared to the sort of thing I was having to deal with before my banishment, well, I’d much rather prefer to be here. It is a lovely place.”
He’d picked his words carefully and Rainbow nodded for a second before she actually thought about what it was he’d said, at which point she stopped nodding and started frowning.
“Wait, hold on, banished? I thought you said that you just woke up here and didn’t know how?”
This had at least been what he’d said to her that one time she’d asked.
Rainbow then thought a little bit more and the frown became an expression of low-grade outrage. She pointed an accusing hoof.
“Hey! And you told Twilight that you got here because of an accident because of something you did! Some experiment or something, yeah! What gives?”
Really, she could have added those two up earlier than this, she just hadn’t had any reason to care enough to do so prior to this exact moment. Now that it had clicked though she wasn’t letting go of it.
Roger did not appear especially concerned to be caught out, assuming he’d even been caught out. If anything he just looked slightly confused, brows knotting for a moment before he shook his head and chuckled his concerns away.
“I did say all of those, didn’t I? I do lose track. Memory’s not what it used to be, I’m afraid. Probably all the accidents and banishment and such,” he said lightly, tearing off some bread and offering it to Rainbow, who took it.
“So which is it?” She asked about a mouthful, not letting chewing get in the way of questioning. Crumbs speckled Roger, but he didn’t mind.
“Who’s to say? One of them, maybe, or maybe none of them. At this point does it really matter?”
“Yeah! It matters!”
“Ah, you probably have a point there. I’m sure it’ll come back to me one day, and on that day you’ll be the first to know, you have my word.”
“Uh huh.”
She doubted this, but was distracted from her doubt by Roger rummaging in his basket, this action revealing fresh treats - including some things she did not immediately recognise and so was immediately interested in.
“What’s that?” She asked, pointing. Roger looked down to see what she meant, saw, and produced something from his basket, holding it up. It looked delicious.
“A cronut, a combination of croissant and donut, apparently. Just a little something I thought I’d try. The cutting-edge of modern baking appears to mostly involve attempting to make things like croissants, or make croissants like things. Who am I to complain with results like this, though?”
Rainbow did not notice that she was licking her lips.
“Could I…?” She asked, letting the rest of the sentence hang in the air so that when he offered it was more like him offering than her actually asking. Roger took the bait.
“There are more than enough, help yourself,” he said, handing the one he’d just picked it up over to her. She wasted very little time in devouring it. She found it good. While she was finding it good, Roger took a drink of something from a mysterious glass bottle. Curiosity piqued at the prospect of further good things, Rainbow asked>
“Whath thatsh?” around a mouthful of croissanted doughnut (or doughnutted croissant). Roger finished his sip before replying.
“Beer. My own beer, in fact. Often looking for something to fill my hours and recently it has been brewing. The fruits of my labours. I rather like it, happily enough. Can I tempt you?” He asked, pulling an unopened bottle from somewhere and waggling it sloshingly at her.
She’d vaguely heard of beer, she thought, or maybe she’d imagined hearing about it. Swallowing the cronut - it really hadn’t lasted very long at all - she nodded.
“Sure, why not.”
Try anything once, right?
Doing something that Rainbow couldn’t properly see with his hand, Roger removed the top on the fresh bottle and passed it her way. Taking it, she gave it a sniff (which wasn’t promising) and then took a small, experimental sip. She quickly decided that it wasn’t for her.
“Uh, thanks but on second thoughts, uh, no,” she said, handing the bottle back. Roger didn’t appear especially put out. He now had two bottles - why would he?
“Kind of an acquired taste, I’ve heard, but that’s okay. There’s apple juice here as well,” he said, passing her one of those instead. This was gratefully received.
“You went all out!”
“If something is worth doing it is worth overdoing, or so I’ve heard,” Roger said, shrugging.
While Rainbow happily gulped down apple juice the conversation paused, and in the ensuing silence she heard something. Lowering her drink and narrowing her eyes she looked around but couldn’t immediately see what it was that might be causing it. It was still there though, she wasn’t imagining it.
“What’s that noise?” She asked. Roger looked at her, blinked, and then with a start seemed to realise he already knew the answer.
“Oh, that’d be Pinkie. She was out here helping to field-test the cronuts. She was instrumental in their development, you see. Wealth of baking wisdom,” he said, gesturing with a thumb to the other side of the tree.
Rainbow peeked around the tree and saw that it was indeed Pinkie making the noise. She was presently limp and snoozing at the base of the tree the opposite side of the trunk to Roger, and did not appear to notice Rainbow.
“Is she asleep?” Rainbow asked.
“She is - or is pretending to be - passed out drunk. Who’s to say why? That’s her bottle of beer there, if you’ll look. Took the top off and took a sniff and just conked out immediately. That seems like overselling it to me, but what can you do?” Roger said, pointing to the Pinkie’s discarded (and mostly leaked) bottle lying in the grass a little distance from her.
“Huh,” said Rainbow.
Pinkie then cracked one eye open.
“Hey Rainbow Dash!” She said in a whisper. An exclaimed whisper, somehow.
“Hey Pinkie.”
Pinkie glanced to Roger, who was back to just taking in the day and quietly sipping his beer. She then glanced back to Rainbow again.
“Is he buying it?” She hissed.
“No,” Rainbow Dash said, flatly.
“Oh, okay,”
Pinkie immediately rolled over and spread herself even more widely and more limply and started to drool rather aggressively while snoring loudly.
“Well now I’m convinced,” Roger said, resting his head against the trunk and closing his eyes to simply soak in the day for a moment. Rainbow burped. Roger smiled.
“The cronut go down well, then?”
“Heh, yeah,” Rainbow said, also smirking, then: “What’s that?”
Cracking an eye Roger followed Rainbow’s pointing hoof to see what it was she was talking about.
“A cruffin, which is-”
Rainbow, who could see where this was going, cut in:
“A muffin and a croissant?”
“You’re catching on. I did say this is what baking is these days. This one has some sort of cream inside it, I’m told,” he said, reaching in and grabbing it to pass to her. “Here you go.”
“Thanks!”
In contrast to the cronut the cruffin proved much messier to eat. Not something that slowed Rainbow down especially as mess was hardly something to be afraid of, but it did mean she had to take greater care in eating it, lest she spill some of it. That wouldn’t do at all.
And it was while she was there taking care in eating it that Roger asked, out of the blue:
“Can I tell you a secret, Rainbow Dash?”
Caught short in the middle of licking out some creamy goodness (make of that what you will), Rainbow paused, tongue only partially extended, head cock.
“Uh, sure…?”
That sort of thing could go anywhere, and with him she really had no idea what to expect.
“It’s quite a big one, I’m afraid.”
“Oh. You don’t want to tell one of the others?”
As in specifically Twilight, the one with which he spent what was probably most of the time he spent with any of them, though really anyone else would have been good for Rainbow, really. Someone other than her.
Roger shook his head.
“No. You and I don’t get on quite as well as I do with any of the others, which somehow makes it easier for me to tell you what I’m about to tell you. That’s strange, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, weird…” She said, eyeing him. Something in his tone had changed significantly, and he was now just staring at the horizon. He was quiet for a few moments, then he licked his lips and said:
“I wasn’t lying when I said my memory isn’t what it used to be. I have trouble remembering how exactly I came to be here. The order of events is sort of there, but the reasons why any of it happened is almost entirely lost to me. Certainly it wasn’t anyone’s intention, this I’m fairly certain of. What I can clearly remember is what I left behind. Or who I left behind.”
“Left behind?”
“Yes. My wife. My children. My brother and his children. My poor ailing mother. My family, I suppose would be the short way of putting it. And my friends, of course, can’t forget them. A lot of people. My life, really.”
This kind of put a crimp in the conversation, as this wasn’t what Rainbow had seen coming. At all. And that was on top of not having seen the conversation itself coming in the first place. Frankly, she wasn’t sure where to go with this, so her brain just about managed:
“...you’re married?”
This part had stuck out because this part was news to Rainbow Dash. Indeed, it would be news to any of them. It wasn’t something that Roger had ever so much as hinted at in all the time they’d known him.
Roger nodded.
“I was married. I have to imagine - given how long I’ve managed to stretch out my years here - that I may have outlived my wife. Deirdre was her name, if you were wondering. Quite possible I’ve outlived my children as well, but I couldn’t be certain and, honestly, I’d rather not think about it.”
Rainbow genuinely had nothing she could say to this. All she’d wanted was some free lunch. She wouldn’t have been prepared for this sort of conversation at the best of times, to have it come out of the blue - from Roger of all people, someone she wasn’t one-hundred percent on in the first place - left her utterly at a loss.
Couldn’t exactly just up and go though. It wouldn’t feel right.
“...oh,” was all she could manage to say, in the end. Then: “Was - was that the secret?”
She hoped so, then she could leave at speed. Sadly for her though Roger shook his head.
“No, no, sorry. That was sort of the first part. And knowing that, you can sort of see why I spend so much of my time with Twilight attempting to work out how to return home?” Roger asked.
“Yeah,” Rainbow said, this part being something of a no-brainer.
“The secret is that I learnt how to go home years ago. I still know how.”
Dead silence.
“You do?”
“Yes.”
Rainbow processed this fresh information.
“So why are you still here?!” She blurted, voice kind of close to cracking on that one.
Roger sighed.
“Well you see, the unfortunate thing is that, after much experimentation and research, we - myself and a unicorn associate from a good few years back, sadly deceased now - discovered that the only way of piercing the barriers between worlds, as it were, and of generating sufficient charge to pierce the limits and see me sent back the way I’d come, which is ‘up’ relative to this limit, and therefore requiring of a greater-”
He realised he was rambling. He stopped. He smiled. Wasn’t the same smile he’d had when she’d burped. Barely qualified as a smile at all, come to think of it.
“If I go back it would be very bad.”
This didn’t explain an awful lot, and the look on Rainbow’s face told him that he needed to keep going. So, clearing his throat, he did:
“Bad for here, I mean. We discovered this, my friend and I. I could go home, at least in theory, but in my wake there would be repercussions for this world. Storms, tectonic upheaval, possibly a reversal of the poles, maybe a minor change in the speed of light in a vacuum, that sort of thing. We did make a list of the possible consequences but I forget most of them and I forget where I’ve put the list. In my notes somewhere. Suffice to say it would be bad. Many would die and many who lived would not be happy about it. To put it lightly.”
“...what?”
“Quite something, isn’t it? We were both very shocked. How could it be? How could it be so? Had this happened to my home when I’d left? Had I left it in ruins? We thought not, given that I must have travelled downward and that’s easier, but this was hardly a comfort. Surely my departure could not be so energetic? There were no answers. This is what we found. And we found there was no way of getting around it, none that we could see. And of course there’s no way of truly knowing whether we were right without trying but, well, would you want to find out? I wouldn’t.”
“So if you went home it would...I don’t even know...”
She really didn’t. She took another cronut and started eating it for moral support.
“A semi-apocalyptic event. Or fully apocalyptic if you were standing close enough. Awful, just awful. Cities and towns devastated, mountains levelled, seas boiled, forests blasted to nothingness and so on. And, importantly, many widows, many orphans, many people with their loved ones torn away from them. By me. By something I’d chosen to do,” Roger said.
He had some more beer, also for moral support.
He then kept going.
“And so I thought about it, and I thought is my misery and the misery of my family - who I would imagine missed me as well and mourned my absence, or at least I’d hope so! Is that enough to justify the misery I’d cause in my efforts to go home? I love my family, but do I love them enough to cause untold suffering to countless other families? Families who no-doubt love one another just as much? And I decided no.”
His voice was still steady but Rainbow noticed that his eyes had got considerably more watery as he kept them fixed on the middle distance.
“This wasn’t an easy decision for me to make, of course. It’s not an easy decision for me to have lived with, and to continue to live with. On the face of it it is perfectly logical. I am one man, my family is one family, the numbers are clear. But I am not a number, I’m a man, and I was distraught. My family was within reach, my home was within reach. I knew how to do it and I had the ability to do it, it was just that I was entirely too aware of what doing it would cause, and so I could not. A terrible thing had happened to me, was I prepared to fix it by being something terrible happening to someone else? Could I be that selfish? No. Who would?”
Rainbow said nothing to this. What could she say? Was she even meant to say anything? She didn’t know. She just kind of sat dazedly and ate, processing, trying to think about what he’d said and wondering whether he meant anything else by it, and why he’d felt the need to tell her.
A breeze rolled by, but a nice one. Summery, warm.
Roger sighed again.
“And that’s the secret. I feel unburdened. Sorry to put it on you like that, but it’s been weighing on my mind of late,” he said.
“This isn’t - this isn’t you joking, is it?”
“I am afraid not. Would that it was.”
“Why do you do all that stuff with Twilight, then?” Rainbow asked.
All the studying and all that stuff. All that stuff about trying to get home.
“Because she enjoys it, bless her. She enjoys the work. And because it helps fill my hours. I have many hours left. Many hours. The result of - well, this and that. A few things I did to draw my life out. It was initially so that I’d be sure to have enough time left to puzzle out the mystery of returning home. Seemed a good idea at the time.In hindsight? Perhaps somewhat hasty. But in my defense I wasn’t thinking my clearest at the time.”
“So you’ve just been...sitting on this?”
“More or less.”
“For how long?”
“Well, since I worked it out, I’d say. Though if you’re asking me how many years I honestly couldn’t tell you. A few.”
This wasn’t a useful answer.
“Why tell me though? Why tell anyone? If you’ve kept it secret so long?” Rainbow asked, honestly curious about this part. After all, why pretend and keep something a secret and then just lay it out all out on a picnic blanket one day for no obvious reason?
“It was weighing on my mind, as I said. I can’t be sure how the dates line up but my wedding anniversary was in the summer and, well, as you can see it is summer now, so I was thinking about it, as I usually do this time of year.”
Roger made the conscious decision not to mention that just about every part of the year contained some date or event or other - a birthday or celebration or what have you - that reminded him of someone he’d never see again as he felt what he’d said had got his point across well enough.
“Can I - can I tell anyone? Or is it still a secret?” Rainbow asked. The idea that now, after having been subjected without warning to his life story and terrible secret, she would be expected not to tell anyone else seemed an imposition. Roger apparently shared this idea of hers and shook his head.
“Oh, you can do as you see fit, Rainbow Dash. I wouldn’t wish to hold you back. I suppose I just wanted to hear it out loud for a change. Or maybe I’m not thinking my clearest again.”
Would she tell anyone? How would she even bring it up?
She’d think about that later.
“...why have a picnic though?” She asked.
The implication of the question being, sort of, if your whole life has been torn away from you and you’ve been stranded in another world away from your family with your only route home being one that you’ve forbidden yourself from taking because of its terrible consequences, isn’t having a picnic a bit, you know, ill-fitting somehow? A bit low-key?
But Rainbow couldn’t quite put that it into words. She couldn’t quite put into thoughts. She just sort of felt it. Roger got where she was coming from and smiled again, a tiny bit wanly, raising the bottle she’d spurned.
“Well, it is a lovely day. We make the most of where we find ourselves. We can be miserable or we can eat cronuts and drink beer in the sunshine.”
Rainbow couldn’t really think of a response to that.
“...is there any more cider?” She asked.
“There is more apple juice, yes, give me a moment,” Roger said, putting his drink down and leaning over to get her another. And in so leaning her saw, standing up now and not pretending to be passed-out anymore, Pinkie. Her eyes were shining with tears.
“Pinkie? Oh dear, are you alright?” He asked, alarmed.
She just sniffled at him and then launched forward almost faster than the eye could follow, latching onto him in a ferocious hug that kind of encompassed most of his upper chest and head, kind of, and mostly just sort of wrapped around him. Roger took this with surprisingly good grace.
“I’d quite forgotten you were there, Pinkie. I do wonder about my memory, sometimes,” he said into her middle.
Pinkie did not reply to this, instead only sniffling more and clinging tighter.
“We thought you were passed-out drunk,” Roger said.
“I’m passed-out-drunk-hugging you!” Pinkie wailed.
“Ah, cunning. Carry on,” Roger said, leaning some more and feeling around blindly until he got another apple juice in hand. Once he did, he passed it behind Pinkie to his other hand, and then to Rainbow, who was watching all of this. At first she’d been surprised, but now she had to admit Roger’s stonewalling of it all was actually pretty funny to see.
“There you go,” he said on passing her drink to her.
“Thanks,” Rainbow said, adding: “You’ve got something on your face.”
“I do indeed,” Roger said, giving Pinkie a pat. A little odd she should be quite so upset on his behalf, but she meant well and he appreciated it.
Later, once she’d calmed down a little and stopped sniffling quite so much, the three of them polished off the picnic.
