Anon Rules The Everfree Forest

by nameundetermined

Rating: teen
Tags: Alternate Universe, Comedy, Gilda, Profanity, Random, Adventure, Princess Celestia, Human, Gallus, Princess Luna, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Second Person
Length: 4723

Anon may not have succeeded in gaining his desired peace and quiet, but perhaps he has found something just as valuable.

Anon is here and still very much on his bullshit. While he now has the run of his expansive property, not only does he have to assure his sovereign soil receives proper international recognition, he now has a flock of citizens seeking his guidance, expertise, and wisdom.

Ah well, one out of three isn't so bad, right?

Art is once again by me, lol.

Published 2021-11-05 18:40:00 UTC
Last updated 2022-10-12 13:42:32 UTC

Chapter One - Wherein Anonymous Entertains Important Guests With Pressing Concerns

You are Aufpasser Anonymous, and you are feeling quite refreshed after your lovely afternoon fishing trip a few days prior.

Indeed, trolling royalty at such a high level for such a prolonged period of time is no easy task. Not quite as difficult as say, running your developing new country but certainly nothing to scoff at.

But such musings on the heaviness of your various iterations of headgear will have to wait, as you will soon be entertaining guests. And at any rate you find your current hat to be both light and breathable. You will have to send your thanks to Rarity for being so accommodating with finishing your order with such short notice. A nice thank you card and a fruit basket perhaps.

As you continue to contemplate matters of such incredible weight and importance, a few trumpeting brass horns sound to get your attention. You snap back to reality, facing forward and adjusting your new headgear, doing your best to look important as several deer in armor stride through your doors. One of them calling out. “Ahem, Announcing His Excellency, Ruler of the Wilds, Master of Beasts, Speaker for the Trees, King Aspen of Thicket

Announcing His Excellency, Heir of the Wilds, Prince Bramble of Thicket.”

What you assume to be the two deer in question walk through the double doors of your office, where you are sat behind a tasteful desk of mahogany In a fairly comfortable office swivel chair. You smile at the two of them as you think back to how you managed to secure this important meeting.

~~~~~~~~~~~

You are Aufpasser Anonymous, and you are having a pretty nice night. The sun set some time ago, and you are settled into a rather comfortable position leaning back on an old log, rod in hand and line cast into the slowly moving stream in front of you. At your side is Gilda, the Captain of your Everfree Rangers, who has taken it upon herself to stop by and make sure you don’t get clapped by wild animals in the dead of night. A lantern is lit and glows dimly beside the two of you as you both just sort of vibe. You haven’t caught anything yet, but frankly, you don’t care. Even if you did you’d probably just let the feathery broad to your right eat it.

Unfortunately, it seems that your relaxation may be cut short early, as you hear a rustling in the bushes behind you.

Gilda reacts first, snapping to attention and turning to face standing towards the bushes, putting herself between whatever is behind them. “Anon, stay back, I got this,” she says confidently as she raises a single claw in preparation to strike, eyes firmly glued to her target as her feathered puffed up in that way that you were told griffins found intimidating but you honestly found kind of adorable.

Once more, the off-topic ramblings of your strange mind are cut short by the intrusion of reality. Out of the bushes struts...a deer. A fairly heavily armored, rather intimidating-looking deer as a matter of fact.

He is a pleasant, warm brown, with striking auburn eyes and a dashing set of red armor detailed with what seemed to be arrows or spades. The look on his face is all business, as is his tone as he begins to speak. “Hail, Aufpasser. Please do not be alarmed. I simply seek to speak to you on behalf of my ruler.”

You scratch your chin for a few moments in contemplation, and slowly stand up, signaling Gilda to relax with an off-hand wave as you stretch your legs out a bit. “Oh. Yeah no worries man, I can spare a few minutes. Haven’t really caught anything tonight anyway.” You say with a small grin as you walk over towards him past Gilda, offering your hand.

The buck gives you a slightly unsure look for a moment before extending a cloven hoof for you to firmly grasp and shake. You offer him a confident, relaxed smile, wanting them to feel at ease. “The name is Anonymous, but you can call me Anon if you want. I’m not super big on titles so you can leave that out if you want. It’s just us here after all, right? Oh! I almost forgot to ask, you got a name?”

He seems to pause for a moment, possibly vexed by your affable introduction before slowly nodding. “Yes, just us. Well, Anon, My name is Blackthorn. We have much to discuss. Are you aware of the existence of a kingdom called Thicket within….your borders?

You scratch your chin slowly and shake your head as you look the other over more curiously “No actually, I am or er...I was not aware. I take it this is who you are speaking on behalf of then?”

He nods again before continuing. “Yes. I am the Captain of the Guard, and as such my King has given me the task of locating you and establishing contact, as well as requesting an appointment for a formal visit to be made to your….holdings within the forest to discuss matters of import.”

You grunt softly in recognition of this statement, getting the feeling he isn’t talking about the trade sort of import before responding “Huh, yeah. I’m guessing the big guy isn’t too happy about squatters. I can respect that but uh...I gotta level with you man. I have the paperwork to back this up, and I should be getting international recognition before too much longer if everything goes smoothly. I haven’t even heard of you guys, what gives?”

You can hear his teeth grinding loudly before he responds in a more strained tone. “Yes, I am not surprised, even most Equestrian Citizens are not aware of our history and all that it entails. I assure you that my Liege will be more than happy to explain everything to you to the best of his ability.”

Huh, seems like that was a bit of a sore spot to poke. Something worth taking note of. You give them a nod and hold up a hand to gently interrupt them “Alright then. In that case, I would be more than happy to hear it. If it’s alright with you I think three days should be enough time for me to get things ready to see a guest. Gotta prepare accommodations and stuff. We’re still kinda building the place ya know.”

Blackthorn seems mildly surprised by how willing you are to cooperate but shakes it off quickly, a small smile reaching the corners of his otherwise serious expression. “Very well then. We shall see you in three days, Anonymous. Until then, fare thee well. Guards, fall in and fall back.”

As he said this, an additional four armored deer popped out of the bushes, getting a startled, indignant squawk from Gilda, her feathers suddenly fluffing up again, leaving her hilariously poofy and very much displeased as you look on with mild curiosity. They move into a formation before quickly disappearing back into the bush, leaving you rubbing the back of your head. “Huh, so that’s what it feels like to be on the other end of that. Cool.” You say relatively unfazed as you look to your guard with a small smile. “Alright Gilda, get your feathers out of that bunch and let’s head back. I need to get everybody ready and uh...shit, If I'm going to be seeing important guests I should probably get like...a fancy hat to show how important I am huh? Leaders get cool hats right?”

Gilda gave you an unamused glare as she settled her plumage and did not dignify you with a response. But to be fair, there was already nothing dignified about you, so that was not a trend you minded allowing to continue. You cackled softly and gave her a firm pat on the back and started back towards the castle with your equipment in tow. You wondered if Rarity would let you commission her for a hat.

~~~~~~~~~

And now here you are, with that very same hat perched happily atop your head. You adjust it carefully before turning your attention proper to the guests. Gallus has just finished announcing your own title and you nod to him thankfully before you address them.

“So, I gather you have a lot to tell me, why don’t you go ahead and tell me everything you think I need to hear, and we can go from there.”

Author's Note

And so we begin another chapter in this saga. Hopefully, it will be half as good as the last one ^^

Chapter Two - Wherein The Devious Machinations Of Two Great Minds Begin

You are Aufpasser Anonymous, and you have to admit, the history of the deer is really interesting. I mean, yeah, it’s a bit fucked up, seems as though they were under the heel of ponies as second-class citizens for most of Equestrian history, but you’ve got to admit it’s a fascinating listen.

The king seems to appreciate the attention you are giving his long-winded retelling of the story of his people and is really putting effort into his oration. He also fortunately does seem to be getting to the point.

“...And so my father King Hickory and his ragtag group of revolutionaries took advantage of the Celestial Schism and moved to break away from our Loyalist brothers in the White Tail Woods and occupy a portion of the newly empowered Everfree Forest to form the Kingdom of Thicket. After several decades of research between him and myself, I discovered a method of harnessing the massive untapped well of latent magical power that had seeped into the area after the Schism to attain Immortality and become the newest of the Eternal Rulers who walk this land.

You nod slowly, leaning forward as you start to get some idea of what might have happened. “And then the Wars of Blood and Soil happened. I imagine that wasn’t great for a newly founded nation that was already in such deep shit.”

The King grimaces at your language but nods. “Er, Indeed. We decided to take an Isolationist approach to the conflict. It was...precarious at times, what with our land being locked between the two main powers of the conflict but direct invasion through the forest proper was rare, and generally easily steered away from our holdings. Unfortunately, since we were not only outside of a position to participate actively in the conflict but also rebels against the faction who was considered to be the victor in the conflict, none of the other nations were willing to risk further angering Celestia by recognizing us formally.”

“Hm, I see…” You say slowly, rubbing at your chin as you stand up out of your desk and pace a bit. “So you are in the same boat as I am huh? You have your land all squared away but you don’t have international recognition.” No that was a bit too simple of a summary, you think to yourself as you ponder further. “Nah, fuck that. You have it worse.”

“Indeed, it has been far from an ideal state for our kingdom. No trade, barely any outside contact. Why, I only found out about your er...occupation of this area by happenstance.”

You smile a bit wider and shake your head, raising a hand. “Hey man, don’t feel the need to be pc about it on my account. We’re basically squatters. Like yeah, I have the paperwork to back it but you guys were very obviously here first.”

Bramble seems to perk up at this, speaking up for the first time since the two of them arrived “T-then will you give us our rightful land and withdraw?”

“No.” You say simply as Aspen gives his son a mildly scornful sideways look before responding. “My apologies Aufp- er, Anon. My son seems to have forgotten himself. He is here to learn by observing the art of diplomacy, not by participating in it.”

As the little twink deer sulks behind his father, you shake your head again “Hey no worries. And it isn’t like that anyway. Normally I would be happy to just give you the place but, for one thing, I have all of these Griffons to look after. They came here for a better life, and well, I kinda owe them one for sprucing the place up and helping me dunk on the Cosmic Posteriors.”

One of the deer guards gives a small chortle at this, being silenced by a quick not so subtle smack on the back of the head by Blackthorn as you continue to speak. “That being said, I think that I have a solution that will make all of us much happier in the long run anyway. That is, if you're willing to play ball…”

~~~~~~~~~~

You are…Not Anonymous, and thank Faust for that! You are in fact Princess Regnant Luna Moonshadow, Herald of the Night Mistress of Dreams, First of Her Name.

And you are...less than pleased.

It has been about three days since your last...major incident. Your sister gave you quite a severe dressing down the last few times you encountered that...damnable son of an ape, Anonymous.

Not that it was not deserved. No matter how uncouth he may have acted, you are well over a thousand years old, and you should have enough fortitude to maintain your composure amidst a bit of ribbing by the common rabble.

Though you suppose that you can no longer call him such. Now that he has forced your hoof in delivering that...decree, his status as a national-level authority is just as valid as the ones backing him, which is to say, you.

You snarl softly at the thought of that ruffian being at the same level as you and your beloved sister. To have to make such a proclamation after being so soundlessly and needly manipulated and humiliated as if you were common schoolfillies…to be made to feel so vulnerable was almost impressive...

No! You will not stand for this. If your sister is unwilling to do anything, you will need to take matters into your own-

Your budding thoughts of revenge are cut short by a knock on your door, a guard from outside speaking reverently. “Princess Luna, you have received a letter from-”

“If it’s from that disgusting stalker with the fake horn and the Prench accent, put it in the burn pile with the others.”

“No, your highness, it is from Aufpasser Anonymous. It bears his seal.”

Your door opens quickly, and the letter is yanked from the poor stallion's hoof faster than he can blink, the door slamming shut again in his face with a resounding thud as you carefully set the letter on your nightstand.

A soft, muffled and mildly irritated “You’re welcome…” and the sound of hooves trotting away can be heard, but you ignore them as you carefully magically probe the letter for glitter or any other such lowbrow antics.

Once she was satisfied that the envelope was safe, she opened it and unfolded the letter, reading carefully.

To Whom It May Concern,

Aufpasser Anonymous would like to personally invite you as a Guest of Honor at his First Annual Free Founding Festival, an annual event to celebrate the independence and founding of the Federation of the Ever Free.

Attendance is open to anyone and everyone, but you have been specially selected as a potential guest of especial significance or importance to the Ever Free either politically, economically, or culturally and will be admitted to a private gala on the final day of the festival, hosted within the illustrious Nameless Castle by the Aufpasser himself!

The festival begins one month from now and shall last three days. If you plan to attend, please make sure to RSVP within a week of getting this letter so that the proper preparations to host someone of your import may be taken care of as quickly and completely as is possible.

We look forward to your attendance at this festival. And hopefully many more.

Sincerely,

-Anonymous, Aufpasser of the Federation of the Ever Free, Based Chad, Master of the Nameless Castle, Tamer of the Woodland, and Chooser of Paper

You click your tongue and draw breath at this last title, your eye twitching slightly in its socket as you fight the urge to simply tear the invite to pieces. No, you are Better than that. Better than Him.

Very well, if he is so keen on playing the fool, perhaps you can oblige him in a slightly more...acceptable manner. You are an exceptionally cunning mare after all, with centuries of experience in outplaying colts like him. His...forthrightness simply caught you off guard. But two can play at this game.

You summon your guard once more, who answers your door, rubbing his slightly swollen nose. “You called for me, your Highness?”

You smile softly as you glance over towards your nightstand and nod. “Yes. Please respond to the letter and let the Aufpasser know I will be delighted to attend his event. I will also have a personally written letter for you to have delivered to a resident of Ponyville post haste. And…”

Your smile gets wider as your plan slowly starts to come together in your head. “Go down to the kitchen and fetch me a cheesecake.”

Author's Note

And another one! Looks Like Luna might be plotting a little payback! Will it pan out?

A quick note, if you are in my discord, you may have heard about a recent misfortune that has befallen me. I will not go into detail here, but I would just like to sincerely thank you all for reading and enjoying my work, and a particular thank you to the fans who have reached out to me in private to offer their condolences.

Chapter Three - Wherein Diplomatic Visitation Is Arranged And A Friendly Discussion Ensues.

You are once more, after what feels like a strangely long time, the ruler of the Ever Free and Festival Director, Anonymous, and man. You’ve really outdone yourself this time.

You blow softly through your teeth as you inspect the location of your upcoming festival, held within the newly erected walls of your castle grounds. The Deer had been a bit butthurt about you manicuring the place as much as you did, but they were more than willing to accept a bit of land development, as a treat. Especially after all of the trade and free movement concessions you were willing to give them. Of course, that was more just icing on the cake, essentially making sure they knew you were cool with them doing stuff in what was essentially already their land in the first place. Nah, what really sold them was your little plan, which you are currently diligently working to set into motion by taking care of all of the necessary roles expected from one of your stature. Like standing in the middle of this empty field and occasionally pointing at things and frowning very seriously while you watch everyone else work, and occasionally telling people they are doing a good job and telling them what they should do next when they finish doing a task. All of those years of watching how your manager at work did things is really paying off now.

You give a small yawn and stretch out a bit, hopping from foot to foot to energize yourself a bit. Jokes aside all of this supervising has been taking up a lot of your time, some of which would normally be spend sleeping or having lunch, but hey, it’s a small price to pay to see it all coming together even just a little bit faster, and if it frees up a few more hands to do the real hard work, even better!

Things are proceeding almost exactly according to plan. Always a surprise around here, but certainly never an unwelcome one. As you keep a watchful eye on your dutiful if…grouchy subjects hard at work making your vision come to life, you have to admit it really is quite satisfying watching all of these busy little worker birds milling about, getting shit done.

However your brief moment of satisfaction is cut all the shorter by the lithe little bluebird of a griffon landing beside you, adjusting his newly acquired red black and green sash, dutifully in the wake of his nading to make sure the pin of a the golden boughs was displayed prominently before speaking. “Anon, there you are!”

“Ah, Beobachter Gallus, very good. Tell me, how are the invitations going?”

Well, The Dogfathers Have agreed to send a Capo each a diplomatic representative, The Dragons are currently engaged in a wrestling tournament to name a representative, so that is going about as well as he could have hoped, Zecora is currently waiting for you in your sitting room to discuss the response of the Princes of the Farisi Kingdoms.” He says, looking a bit unnerved, rubbing at the back of his neck before clearing his throat and continuing on. “King Aspen will, of course, be in attendance. The Corporatist Oligarchy of Minos will be sending a high ranking executive officer as a representative. Queen Chrysalis has agreed to attend the event provided you meet with her personally and there is a written agreement to halt any and all hostilities for the duration of the event. The Buffalo are apprehensive, but will be sending a young cow with ties to friends in Equestria as a delegate. Prince Rutherford himself will be visiting as the Yakyakistan representative, which honestly shocked me considering the Yaks have been isolationist for decades since the end of the Wars of Blood and Soil. Discord, Despite having not been invited, has informed me that he will be in attendance as a representative of…Chaosville. And lastly, Grandpa Gruff managed to convince the other Elders to visit for the Festival. Apparently they were all pretty stoked when they heard about your plan. But are you really gonna…”

You cut him off with a gentle finger to the beak “Shhhhhhhh…shshshshh…Gallus, you silly little twink. You should know better than that by now. When I say I am going to do something totally unhinged, what do I usually end up doing?”

As you withdraw your finger from his beak he rolls his eyes for a moment and says with a hint of hesitation. “Y...you do it? And then for some reason it works?”

You beam at him and smile, putting your hands on your hips and nodding “Exactly! Trust me, this is going to go great.”

“Well, if you say so, I’ve trusted you with dumber decisions.”

“Hey, Basehead Gary did an amazing job on that mural in my throne room, and I won’t take any slander. It was totally worth the forty of malt liquor and strip of beef jerky he asked for.”

Gallus inhales slowly, then lets out a patient, shuddering breath. “I’m…I’m going to go see how Gustav is coming along with the dishes for the feat and the uh, festival fare. I’ll talk to you later.”
As your trusted right wing griffon takes off to attend matters beyond your immediate interest, you take a deep breath and spend a few more moments admiring the handiwork of your people before heading back towards the castle. You have an important meeting regarding foreign affairs with a very lovely lady, and you would hate to keep her waiting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To the surprise of noone in particular, you in fact, continue to be Anonymous. You enter your sitting room, a rather cozy affair with a number of sentimental possessions on display, to find Zecora sitting near the window, seeming somewhat antsy. Not a good look on her, you decide, nor one you are terribly used to. You decide to break the ice by busting out some of the ol’ Anon Style.

“Yooooo, Zecora, what’s up my Zi-”

“My Apologies Anon, to be so abrupt, but your levity I must interrupt. This is not an attempt to revoke your pass, but a more serious attitude of you I must ask.” She says gently but firmly as she gives you a kind but firm look.

You take a moment to collect yourself, doing your best to look serious as you take your seat at the other side of the desk, leaning forward a bit. “Alright. Sorry, I almost forgot how stressful dealing with the folks back home can be for you. Sorry to use you as a conduit for diplomacy like this, but you’re my only avenue of communication with Farisi.”

She gives a small sigh and shakes her head. “I was caused no stress by your simple request. I can see that my assistance was for the best. Perhaps another time, I shall tell you the tale of why thoughts of my homeland cause the heart to ail. But for now the matter of hoof presides. You will be surrounded soon by strangers on all sides. I simply wished to speak with you, friend to friend, with such a crucial moment around the bend. You have been quite a busy creature, i cannot help but worry that you may endanger your health with such an awful hurry.”

You smile a bit wider and shake your head with a small chuckle. “Awe, c’mon now Zecora, you know I like to live fast and eat uh…nevermind, serious, I almost forgot. Anyway yeah, things are fine! Sure it’s been a bit of a hustle getting things together on such short notice, but everyone else is working just as hard as I am, a lot of them even harder. It wouldn’t be right for me as a leader to just sit back and rest while I know everyone else is out here working their various rear anatomical segments off to make this happen.”

She smiles at this and slowly nods. “Your attitude is noble, befitting your rule. You once more prove to be quite wise…for a fool.” She says, grinning as she gestures to a teapot next to her, still steaming pleasantly. “But even kings need a bit of rest. Why not have tea with a friend and get it all off of your chest?” She says as she prepares a cup for you the way you enjoy it, extra cream, minimal sugar, as strong as it’ll brew.

You smile a bit wider, stifling another yawn and nodding. “Heh, yeah yeah, sure. I guess a bit of caffeine couldn’t hurt.” you say, taking your cup and sipping at it, preparing to spill well, the tea.

But before you can start Gushing over Basehead Gary’s amazing work on your throne room mural, you begin to feel rather…tired, sleepy even. That sly bitch.

“...My dick better have a lipstick ring when I wake u-” Is all you manage to utter as you succumb to being roofied by the little striped horse across from you, not even able to fully claim the contentment of getting the last word as the bedtime blend does it’s handiwork.

Zecora simply chuckles as she gets out of her seat and throws your body over her back, trotting you back to your bedchambers to allow you a well earned rest. “A tempting proposal, but no, not yet. The mares of the plains you'll find, are harder to get.”

Author's Note

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Okay, existential screaming aside, there is your update, I hope you are happy with it lmao. All of my current incomplete projects, unless I have specified otherwise explicitly are still alive. I just really haven't had a lot of time or drive to write since I started working my new job.

That being said, I *am* trying to get back in the habit, and if you would like updates on in-the- works chapters and new stories and the like, I do have a Discord Server Where I offer early access to work-in-progress chapters after the completion of the first 500 words, and you can pester me there about it directly if you dare >:3.

Now if you will excuse me, I have several other long pending updates to see to, so get back in line :trollestia: