Chapters Chapter 1- The Lonly Pyro
Pyro reclined in his office chair, staring at all his expensive stuff, and thinking about all the money he had. Then he snapped out of his daydream. He was sitting in the Intelligence Office of 2Fort, staring at the walls which he would soon be running through, his trusty flamethrower at his side. He had no money to speak of, living off of welfare checks from Team Fortress Industries. And, as usual, he had arrived very early to the battlefield.
In fact, he had arrived last night by express truck. Then he had set up his small bed, and slept fitfully through the night, dreaming his usual dreams: That time he set the orphanage on fire. That time he set his birthday cake on fire. That time he set his neighbors on fire. Pyro kind of wished he didn't dream about the bad parts of his life. Then again, there weren't many good parts. He set about polishing his flamethrower and mask, whistling a small tune he remembered. Today was a good day: Meet the Pyro was soon to be released! Hopefully it would show how cool and nice he was, right? In fact, he thought he had heard that the Medic had previewed it.
Pyro found the desk phone, which was on the desk. In fact, it was nailed to the desk. Pyro picked up the receiver and dialed the Medic's number. The Medic was also one of the few who could understand him through his mask, though why this was was completely unknown to the Pyro. "Ugh… Hello? I am in ze middle of something," the Medic answered.
"(Hi Medic! How was Meet the Pyro?)" Pyro asked.
"Pyro?! Oh dear… Er, maybe it is best I… save ze surprise for… Later," finished Medic, immediately hanging up. Pyro was confused, but thought to himself "I must look really spectacular in the trailer if he can't tell me anything about it!" Pyro often acted childlike, preferring candy and treats to normal food, unless it was hamburgers. He loved hamburgers. In fact, he had once sold the rights to his name and face to a restaurant called "Pyro's Hamburgers", only to find that TF Industries had bought the restaurant. Oh well. He wondered what would have happened if the restaurant was successful? Thinking of the service he had had there, he frowned. Probably a zombie apocalypse or something. He quickly abandoned this unhappy tangent of thought and went back to polishing.
*In a completely different universe*
Twilight Sparkle lifted up a wrench with her horn as she surveyed her work. It was in the shape of a simple door, oval-shaped and large, but made of metal. Behind it was a vast machine, with plenty of technological arrays, gears and pumps. Today was the big day! She would finally see if her work paid off. Spike was fast asleep, and it was the weekend, so the library was closed for the day. She had also invited Pinkie and Rainbow Dash over to see the big experiment (Rainbow was bored that day, and Pinkie was always open for something fun). Speaking of which, where were they? She heard a knock from the door, and zipped down to answer it. Pinkie appeared in the doorway, giggling at some unknown joke. "Hey Twi! Where's that dimensional space-hole thingy? Is that it?" Pinkie stared at a book.
"That's a book, Pinkie." Twilight said. Just then, they heard an "INCOMING!" and Rainbow crashed into the doorway, knocking both of them over.
"Rainbow!" Twilight said, surveying the damage.
"Sorry Twilight, might've overshot the landing," Rainbow replied apologetically. Fortunately, nothing was broken, so they continued over to the next room in the library, which housed Twilight's workshop and the door.
"Wow… You built a door, Twilight!" Pinkie Pie said, evidently impressed. Rainbow smirked.
"You brought us over here for a metal door, Twi? Next time I think I'll sleep in." Twilight groaned.
"This door can access other universes. The universe we go to might be made of candy, or on fire, or invisible." Pinkie Pie thought for a moment about the last one.
"But if it's invisible, how would we know we were there?" Rainbow rolled her eyes.
"You wouldn't be able to see anything, duh," she answered.
Twilight flicked a switch and the door lit up yellow, as the pumps started pumping magic into the device. "Let's see, coordinates 12 23 infinity…" she said.
"Ooh, where are we going?" Pinkie asked.
"A universe just like ours, except Luna is the current monarch. It would be a real educational opportunity." Rainbow rolled her eyes.
"Boring, egghead, let's go to a universe much more cool." To Twilight's horror, she began messing with the coordinate controls, setting them to '16 4 1960' and so on, and then jumped through. "Catch me if you can!" Rainbow yelled as she jumped.
"Ooh, this looks fun!" Pinkie said as she bounced in. Twilight hurriedly scribbled a note and, mustering up her courage, followed them into the dimensional void.
*Back in TF2niverse*
"Gentlemen, I have called you here today to present the final installment of our 'Meet the Team' videos, featuring our beloved arsonist, the Pyro. As part of the effort to convince the poor unfortunates of TeuFort that you are not idiotic mercenaries destroying their buildings and worldly possession with bombs, this has been a tremendous failure, and I blame all of you for not trying hard enough." The Administrator said smugly from her television screen.
"Aye, just skip to the bloody movie!" the Demoman said, slurping a little more of his Scrumpy and burping. "Very well," the Administrator said, then cut to the video. Pyro watched, rapt, as footage of his teammates played.
"I fear no man," the Heavy said. "But that… thing… It scares me." It was then that Pyro began to notice something was very wrong. Weren't they supposed to make him look cool, and likable to the other team members?
"No, I ain't… I ain't talking about that freak," the Scout exclaimed. The real Scout was cringing, almost as if he expected Pyro to attack him. "He's not here, is she?" the Scout in the video questioned, becoming increasingly panicked. The Pyro was almost indignant at this. Scout thought he was a girl? "How do I get this f*ckin thing off?!" The Scout was literally tugging at his microphone, frantically attempting to remove it from his chest. Pyro kicked open a door, flamethrower out and ready. The Pyro gulped. He remembered that day. The video then cut to the Spy, and the Pyro brightened. Surely with the Spy's oratory skill, he would say something good about him, right?
"One shudders to imagine what inhumane thoughts lie behind that mask…" the Spy mused, smoking his traditional cigarette. Pyro was now shooting a stream of fire into the air, while buildings burned around him and dramatic music played. The Pyro practically withered in his seat. Or not, he thought to himself. "What dreams of chronic and sustained cruelty?"
The camera then cut to an animated sequence zooming into the Pyro's mask, presumably into his thoughts. Then it cut to a pastel world, viewed through two eyeholes, where the Pyro was holding a contraption of brass and balloons, and wherever he placed the rainbow, flowers sprung up. His favorite song 'Do You Believe in Magic' was playing. Inside his mask, the Pyro paled. They told him that they wouldn't mention his medication. They said no one need ever know. They lied.
Pyro couldn't bear watching the rest of the video, but he knew if he looked away it was a sign of weakness. So he stared as he skipped happily, giant lollipop in hand (how did they even know about that?) and inserted it into a cherubic version of the BLU Heavy's mouth. It cut back to reality, and the Pyro was chopping the BLU Heavy apart with his axe. He sprayed a stream of bubbles at the Baby Scout as in real life, he shot him with a Scorch Shot. He saw the Medic inside a present, so he straightened the present's top, while in real life he barred the door to a building, the Medic trapped inside and shouting "No!" as the Pyro set the building alight. The baby Spy and Engineer appeared, and Balloonicorn gave them a ride on his back. How did they know about his imaginary friend, too? Pyro wondered worriedly. The cherubs were all there, the whole team, and they were saluting him as he left 'Pyroland', as he had come to call it. The scene cut to reality, and the whole BLU team was running around and screaming as everything around them was lit on fire. The BLU Sniper crashed out of a second-story window to the ground, and grabbed the shoe of someone, screaming "Help!" at them. Pyro remembered this also, but not in this light. No, he remembered the 'Pyroland' version, where the poor Sniper wanted to be rainbow-colored but just couldn't do it himself somehow. The movie cut to a scene of the Pyro tilting his head as he burned the Sniper to death, and then to the ending credits. Pyro relaxed inside his suit. Finally, it was over. The ending scene then cut again to a scene of Pyro walking towards the sunset in Pyroland, and transitioned to reality as the BLU Soldier fell over, clutching his heart that had just fallen out while the buildings burned around him, and Pyro in the movie whistled softly to 'Do You Believe in Magic'.
The entire team was speechless. "Meeting adjourned," the Announcer said, turning off the television. Everyone but Pyro immediately made muttered excuses and left the room, leaving only Pyro and Medic.
"I am sorry, Pyro, but… I promised zem not to tell you," Medic said as he too left. The Pyro stared at the television screen. How could they have said those things about him? How could the makers of the video show his special place, where he could play forever and not have to worry about how he had no money, no job, no anything… The Pyro put his masked head in his gloved hands. What would he do now?
Back up at the respawn room, a conversation was taking place. "Oh man, we're dead. We are SO FREAKING DEAD," the Scout panicked, practically flying across the room as he got his stuff together.
"If we're lucky, we'll live for about a week," the Spy muttered, loading his revolver and sharpening his knife.
"I had no part in that video," the Engineer muttered. "An' if ya'll didn't want him to come after ya, maybe ya shouldn't have said all that in the first place. You knew she was gonna come after ya eventually." The Medic groaned.
"For ze last time, ze Pyro is male." The Scout looked at him.
"Yeah, like you would know!" Then the Scout thought about what he had just said. Part of Medic's job was to take them apart and put gizmos in them like the UberCharge device, so he probably did know.
"…Nevermind." He said begrudgingly.
"Speaking of which, where is our beloved friend. He's late," the Spy commented.
"Maybe he is resting. We are lucky men if so." The Heavy answered, cleaning his minigun.
Twilight slowly awoke. She was in a white room, with a strange locker on her left and other strange devices and such on her right. Where was she? She looked around.
Nothing to tell her if she was in Equestria or somewhere else. Explosions and yelling could be heard outside, until a tall… thing burst into the metal doorway (it move up?) shouting "MEDIC!" in a distinct accent. Then it looked at Twilight, apparently just noticing her for the first time. Twilight also looked at this new creature, frightened but a little curious.
***************************
"Well, my real name's a bit of a secret, but mates round here call me the Sniper," he
"Excuse me, but I am a pony, sir," she replied, irritated. "Right…" the Sniper said, unconvinced that this was not merely a very odd dream of his.
"What's going on here?" Twilight asked, again looking around as though hoping to find a sign. "Well, it's complicated…" the Sniper said as he launched into a long-winded and very Australian explanation of "red" and "blue" teams and "Twofort" and "fighting". That last word caught Twilight's attention. "Why are you fighting, did someone upset you?" she asked.
"Well, no, we're fighting over land claims and such, gravel pits, towns…" Sniper saw Twilight's uncomprehending look. "We're mercenaries," he finished.
Twilight brightened. "Wow, I've never met a real mercenary before, this is just like some of the books I read!"
Sniper laughed. "Books…right. Well, I'd best be getting' back to my post. Those bloody idiots ain't gonna snipe themselves. Nice meetin' you and all." He exited the room.
"Well, I certainly want to find out what's going on," Twilight muttered. She gathered all her courage and started out that strange metal door.
Rainbow, of course, had run at the first sight of these strange creatures and their metal sticks of death. She flew high up into the air, and watched from a distance. One in particular caught her eye. It was one of the red-shirted ones, carrying some sort of blue briefcase, and evidently running for his life. "DOC! C'mon, man!" she faintly heard as he sprinted into the red colored building. He was fast. Really fast, Rainbow thought to herself. How did he do it? He had two legs, and no wings, and yet he was outrunning everyone else. She almost wanted to meet him, but reminded herself that if these things were busy killing each other so obsessively, they would probably just kill her on sight. Speaking of which, that red one had just reappeared. It was doing something with it's belt… Dash swooped in for a closer look, still too far away for any of the creatures to see her as more than a black dot against the sunlight. It took out a small red and yellow can, and drank whatever was inside, a look of satisfaction on it's face. Then, Dash watched in amazement as it zoomed, seemingly faster than any eye but hers could see, right back into the blue building. Whatever that can was, it made him… almost as fast as she was. He zoomed back with that same briefcase (how many of them were there?) and down to what Dash thought might be an underground part of the building, where none of the other creatures were.
Alright, go time, Rainbow thought to herself. She swooped down faster than anyone could see and landed right in front of the creature, battle stance at the ready. "Whoa, what the!" Scout cried as a blue pony with wings and rainbow-colored hair appeared out of nowhere in front of him. "You can talk?!" Rainbow said, almost accusingly.
"I could say the same for you! Where did you – How are you - ?!" Scout replied, still in shock.
"My name, since you were probably asking, is Rainbow Dash. The fastest pony alive?" Rainbow said proudly. Scout mentally shrugged, feeling that there wasn't much he could do about the talking pony with wings, and grinned. He took out a can of that same orange stuff from earlier. "Oh yeah? There's a room in the blue building, same as this one. Race you there!"
Pyro was still deep in thought about his video, while he was in Pyroland. It was an anonymous interview, so those were his teammates' true feelings about him and his personality. That, and judging how quickly they left, they were very scared of him. Pyro felt sad. He didn't want them to be scared. He wanted them to be the friends that he never had. He colored a BLU Sniper in rainbows and the Sniper immediately laughed, clutching his baby chest for some reason, and fell to the floor, basking in the warm sunshine that came from Pyro's special toy. Pyro would have smiled, but it didn't matter. He decided that the mission was ending soon, and besides, Scout was on his way. He'd get the intelligence. Whistling a familiar tune unconsciously, Pyro made his way back to RED base to restock on ammo for his toys. He got to the spawn, and decided to use the one to the left, nearest the RED Sniper who was, for some reason, even more disgruntled than usual. Pyro ignored him, and found the room. And stared.
A glowing purple hole was on the wall. Pyro looked at it, watching the swirls. "Mission ends in thirty seconds!" the Announcer said, as though to snap Pyro back to reality (well, half-reality, anyway). He looked around, as though hoping to see some form of joke present. Finding none, he shrugged and restocked his stuff, and cautiously stepped through the portal. Little did he know he was being watched by a certain pink pony, hidden in the rafters.
Scout arrived at the intel room. No one was there, especially not that blue pony. Did she get lost? He wondered, momentarily concerned. Then he shrugged, and almost grabbed the intel, only to find that a blue, familiar face was grinning at him. "Beat ya!" Rainbow laughed. "What?!" Scout said angrily.
"How fast 'those wings take ya?!" Rainbow thought. "From there to here? Ten seconds flat," she answered proudly. Scout noticed shouts of "Incoming!" coming from one of the corridors, and whipped out his Force-A-Nature. "Gotta go, got a round to win. Nice race, see ya later!"
"Victory!" the Announcer cried, and the RED Team congratulated themselves, Scout at the forefront. "Yeah man, that was all' you." He said to the team, with hi-fives all around. They retired for the day, cleaning their weapons and hats. Scout noticed the Pyro was strangely absent, and that Sniper was grumbling more than usual. "Hey,Snipes, you seen Pyro?" Scout asked, looking around as though Pyro was hidden in the walls.
"Nah. But the things I've seen, mate…" Sniper answered, putting his face in his hands.
"Whatsa' matter, talkin' ponies?" Scout said, making it seem like a joke. This was an old favorite tactic of his to figure out if anyone else knew what he did, without making it seem like he was crazy if they didn't. The Sniper looked up at him.
"How'd you…?" Scout grinned. "Come on out, Rainbow." A blue face emerged from
"Yeah, well at least they ain't bigger than your gut, fatty." Scout answered. "What in God's name…" Spy said, studying the thing. "Well, I'll be jiggered," muttered the Engineer, almost dropping his weapon in shock. "Hey, Twilight, get over here, I don't think I can take all this admiration," Rainbow said proudly, fluffing out her wings to impress them further. Twilight released her invisibility spell, revealing herself right next to Soldier, who jumped about a foot.
"Scout, Sniper, what in sam' hell did y'all do?!" Engie demanded. "Nothin!" Scout protested. Twilight gave a small cough. "I did this, actually. It was part of an
They came to the other spawn room, where the portal was. "Well, goodnight Irene!" Engie said happily. "Look at this technology, if I had anythin' like this…" Twilight smiled proudly, while Rainbow and Scout groaned. Scout leaned over to Dash and whispered "Eggheads, I tell ya'," and Rainbow tried not to burst into laughter. Engie noticed something strange. "Hey, get a look at this!" he said.
A flare from Pyro's flare gun was right next to the portal. "You don't think… Hey, purple pony. Can someone go back through this hole?" Scout asked worriedly.
"Yes, it was designed to work both ways in case we needed an escape… why?" Twilight asked, ignoring the lack of use of her name.
"Crikey! Pyro's in your world, then!" Sniper said, paling. Twilight immediately started panicking at the thought. "They'll arrest him if he goes in there with weapons! He'll be thrown into the dungeon for sure!" Rainbow put a hoof over her shoulder. "Relax, Twi, we'll get back and explain." Twilight turned to her, even more worried. "But we need Pinkie to get back!"
They heard a violent *THUD* as something slammed into the door. Then the door opened, and Pinkie
"Another one? How many of you are there?" Spy asked, concerned. "A couple thousand," Twilight answered nervously. She turned to the rest of the team, who were loading up their weapons. "What are you doing?" she asked.
Pyro woke up slowly, groaning. The first thing he saw was a small purple-and-green, reptilian thing leaning over him. The second thing he saw was his flamethrower, propped against the wall. Ignoring the weird reptile thing, Pyro rushed over and grabbed it, frantically inspecting it to see if it was clean. He was only interrupted when the dragon (for that was what it must have been) breathed a green spurt of fire right next to him, a letter appearing out of the fire. Pyro looked back confusedly to find him reading the letter. "Dear Twilight, we have sent over military forces to apprehend possible hostile. Detain it until they arrive. Your faithful teacher, Princess
Spike didn't know what half those words meant, but got the gist of it: Don't let this giant, mumbling monster leave the house.
To his dismay, the Pyro went to do just that. It looked at the stairs, and as if deciding that they were too small for it, it swung over the railing of the second floor and dropped down, making a small noise of pain as it landed. "Hey!" Spike said as he rushed down the stairs. "You're not allowed to leave!"
Pyro tilted his head, raised his flamethrower, and clicked the trigger. A roar of flame engulfed the dragon. Pyro stopped after about a second, as he didn't want to waste good propane, and left,leaving a blackened but otherwise unharmed Spike to stare after the thing that had just breathed fire from the machine it held. How did Pyro know he wasn't killing the dragon with fire? To be honest, he had no clue. He assumed dragons were resistant to fire because that was the way it worked, both in Pyroland and the Demoman's various mythologies and drunk stories. As he walked, he noticed he was next to a farm. On the farm were apple trees, and on the trees were ripe, delicious-looking apples. Pyro's stomach rumbled as if to remind him that he hadn't ate anything in a while. He reached out over the fence to touch one, when… "Hold it right there!" a voice came from behind him.
Pyro swiveled around, staring. Here was a bright, colorfully orange pony, with an accent reminding him of the Engineer and a cowboy hat on her head. She had a small mark on her flank with an image of three apples, so Pyro assumed she owned the place.
Now just what are ya, and what in tarnation are y'all doin' with mah apples?" Applejack questioned angrily. The strange thing in front of her mumbled something in response. "I don't know what yer' sayin', but it sure sounds like you were about to steal an apple. From mah farm. You got any money to pay for that?" she asked,scaring Pyro.
He frantically shook his head. Applejack relaxed a bit. "You ain't from around here, are ya?" she asked, calmer. Pyro nodded his head, calmed by her sudden change of demeanor. "Lemme show ya around, seein' as you seem to be some sorta' smart." She trotted off down the path, and Pyro reluctantly followed. "So, what's that fancy machine you got there?" Applejack questioned. In answer, Pyro raised his flamethrower and pointed it at the sky. A column of flame issued from
"You're a right proper dragon, you are! Wait until I show Big Mac that," she chuckled. Pyro giggled a little as well. If this was what every pony here was like, he could get used to this. He had also completely forgotten about the fact that the military was looking for him.
*TF2niverse, 2Fort*
After a few hours of careful preparation (being that it was the end of the day, and everyone's guns needed cleaning), the rest of RED Team, as well as Pinkie, Twilight and Rainbow were ready to go back through the portal. While the rest of the team weren't looking, Medic slapped the Sandvich out of Heavy's giant hand and placed a Dalokoh's Bar there instead. Heavy looked at him angrily; after all, Sandvich was delicious! "Herbivores," Medic whispered in response to Heavy's unspoken question, and Heavy nodded, understanding.
"Let's GO, mates!" the Sniper yelled, causing the two to look up guiltily. To their surprise, most of the team had already left, and the
"Doctor! This way!" Heavy said, shoving the Medic out of the way to get to the portal, which somehow fit him in.
"Right," the Medic said after brushing himself off, and jumped in. The Sniper followed suit. Finally, the three ponies looked at each other.
"Hurry up, slowpokes," Dash said, flying into the portal. Pinkie bounced in soon after, and Twilight followed, nervous.
MEANWHILE
Pyro surveyed the barn in which he was currently housed. The Apples had no spare rooms, but it was fine by Pyro. After all, he'd slept in worse. He heard a knock on the door of their house, and curiously wandered over to the barn door, and peeked through. He saw a white pony in what looked like a guard uniform discussing something with Applejack, who nodded nervously and pointed to the barn. Pyro stiffened. He had to go. NOW. He found the back door and rushed out, quietly shutting the door behind him. He heard the guard's shout of dismay at sighting him, but didn't care. He ran as fast as he could down the path, the guards in hot pursuit.
Fortunately, he hadn't even put down his flamethrower for a minute, so it was still ready. Pyro turned around, running backwards, as the ponies began to get a little too close for comfort. He hated doing this, it wasted valuable pressure in his tanks. Pressing a small button located next to the flamethrower's trigger, he released a compression blast, knocking all of the ponies into the sky and fences, incapacitating most. He then turned around and continued running.He didn't stop for one second until he reached a forest. It was a dark, creepy forest, a major contrast from the sunny day he had just left. Pyro wasn't really concerned, as he had heard none of the 'creepy stuff in the forest' stories, and wandered in. Little did he know he was being watched. "Hostile has gone into Everfree Forest. Risk pursuit, or abandon mission?" A guard with binoculars said to his captain. "Abandon mission, we can't risk anypony in there," the captain Shining Armor answered, surveying the forest. "It'll have to come out eventually, and when it does, it will tell me where my sister is."
MEANWHILE x2
Scout woke up to see a small, purple dragon glaring at him, book raised threateningly. "Whoa, what-!" Scout said as he jumped to his feet. Then he realized how small the thing was. "Ha, you ain't scary," Scout lied as he tried to brush off the incident as trivial.
When he picked the thing up, and it yelled "Put me down!" Scout nearly dropped it, then set it back down carefully.
"What the hell are you, anyways?" Scout said cautiously.
"Aye, that be a dragon, mate, I always told 'ja they was real and…Scotland… Lake," Demoman finished, sitting up a little before slumping back down .
"Does he always do that?" Spike asked after a pause.
"Yeah, he's drunk. REALLY drunk." Scout answered.
