Never Challenge The Pink One
Plastered Pony Princesses
The Municipal Police Station for the Tenth Ward of Canterlot was an unremarkable building set in one of the city’s livelier districts. On any normal day, visitors would find a variety of ponies inside, from annoyed parents accompanying their ill-behaved teenagers there for charges of vandalism, to badly behaved drunks sleeping their hangovers off in one of the cells.
What you would not normally see among the faded, poster covered walls and scuffed tile floors was the Princess of the Crystal Empire.
As she sat in the waiting room, a small paper ticket on the chair next to her, the other occupants did their best to avoid being caught staring.
Cadance knew they were staring, but she couldn’t blame them. Even she wasn’t sure what she was doing here. A few days previously, she’d received a summons to report to this police station to settle ‘a delicate matter’.
She didn’t like throwing her weight around often – one of Celestia’s earliest lessons had been that a deft touch often brought better results than a pounded hoof – and yet, having been waiting for nearly an hour, she was starting to consider it.
“Number sixty-seven,” the bored desk clerk called.
Finally, she thought. Rising to her hooves, she gently straightened her tiara as she gracefully crossed the lobby, stepping up to the counter, which, as was all too common for the Alicorn Princesses, came only to knee height.
“P-Princess Cadance!?” The clerk staggered to get out of his chair in a mad dash to bow.
“That’s quite all right,” she said, not wanting to draw any more attention than she already had. She waited for the stallion to calm down enough to at least attempt to look up at her.
“I received this summons,” she said, producing the scroll from the small saddlebag she had on, “and I was hoping somepony could tell me what it was about?”
The clerk took it, glancing over it quickly.
“Oh. Right.” He grimaced. “Well, uh…it’d be best if I let the Chief explain it to you.” Tapping a control with his hoof, he gestured to the door next to the desk, which unlocked with a buzzing sound. “If you’ll step through there, I’ll let him know to come get you.”
“Twelve charges of drunk and disorderly conduct?” Cadance’s eyebrows were somewhere near the tip of her horn. “That’s not possible. There must be some mistake.”
To say Chief Iron Snout was in an uncomfortable position was putting it mildly. The Tenth District did include the Palace as part of its jurisdiction, but traditionally this had only meant the occasional intervention in a bar fight involving a member of the Royal Guard. And those had merely required him to send the offender back to the Palace for internal disciplinary action. Still, to his credit, he remained firm, while privately feeling relief that it was Cadance at issue. He'd heard stories of Luna's temper, and greatly preferred to keep them to just that.
“I’m sorry, Your Majesty, but we do have photographs of at least two of your arrests on file.” He produced the pictures, setting them on the desk in front of her. “Now, obviously, we’d prefer to keep this quiet, but…”
He continued on, but Cadance didn’t seem to hear him. Her eyes were too busy boring holes into the photos on the table.
It was her…and yet it was not. And it didn’t take a griffons’ eyes to spot the subtle fangs on ‘her’ face, or to notice the forked tongue sticking out at the camera in one of them.
“If you’ll excuse me,” she said, cutting the chief off mid-rant, “I have some business to attend to at the Palace.”
"But -"
"I will have the Palace reach out to settle any issues remaining after I meet with Princess Twilight." She picked up one of the pictures. "Can I take this? I do believe I may need it for proof of something."
Ponies weren't really supposed to take evidence out of the station; the subjects of said evidence even less so. But given the already delicate nature of the matter at hoof, as well as the look on the face of the nice princess in front of him, he decided it might be best for his future career prospects to allow her to take a copy.
Cadance wasn’t sure what she’d expected. Part of her had been afraid she’d find Twilight suffering as a thrall of the deposed Changeling queen. Another part had feared that Chrysalis had somehow escaped without notice, and was running amok somewhere.
Finding her – disguised as Cadance, no less! – in Twilight’s private dining hall, with Celestia, Luna, and, most insultingly, Twilight in attendance, was not in the realm of possibilities her mind had been prepared to accept.
“How long has this been going on?” she asked Shining, who’d led her to the room.
“A month,” he replied, shaking his head. “Gallus says we should hear the songs they get to singing when they really get drunk.”
“And Chrysalis…?”
“Behaving, mostly. Twilight left orders to watch her when she was in the castle, but otherwise not intervene. She seems to see this as a form of rehabilitation.”
“Yeah, that’s clearly going swimmingly,” Cadance replied, rolling her eyes. She stepped into the room, casting her best disapproving glare over the four of them.
“Cadance!” Celestia and Luna shouted, raising their tankards of beer in a toast.
Shining took up a place off to the side, allowing him to keep an eye on the proceedings while making sure he stayed out of the line of fire. Given the rants his wife had engaged in on the way over to the palace, he very much expected sparks to fly, and soon.
Cadance eyed all of them in turn, her glare causing even Celestia’s smile to dim somewhat.
“Cadance, come, sit down,” Chrysalis called, having changed back into her natural form. “Let’s not have any hard feelings tonight.”
She cackled. “After all, it’s ladies night!”
Twilight sighed. “That’s every night, Chrysalis.”
“So what if it is? It’s better than whatever it is you want to do.”
Cadance flicked one ear. “And just what is it that you all do, besides get drunk and party?”
“Some – hic – sometimes we also go out to bars,” Luna replied. “And discos!”
“Clubs, Luna, clubs. No one calls them discos anymore,” Celestia corrected, before giggling.
“And getting arrested is just par for the course?” Cadance pulled the photograph from her saddlebag, tossing it onto the table.
“Arrested?” Twilight let out a nervous laugh. “No one’s been arrested! Nope! Hahahaha…no arrests here.”
Chrysalis shook her head, pushing the photo away with one hoof. “Relax, egghead, she means me, not that thing in the fountain.”
“Chrysalis!" Twilight frowned. "You promised you would behave!”
The deposed Changeling queen flashed her fangs. “I promised I wouldn’t cause you any chaos, or try to take over the kingdom. I did not promise to not cause Lovebutt here any trouble.”
From his safe point, Shining winced. Lovebutt was something he only used in the bedroom, and only under very specific circumstances. He hoped that Chrysalis had just made a lucky guess, and that he hadn’t used it on her when she’d been impersonating Cadance the first time.
As if sensing his thought, Chrysalis looked over at him and made a kissy face, followed by a wink.
He felt his heart sink. Ah well. I've had a good life. I’m sure Flurry will be fine without me.
Cadance, however, had bigger concerns on her mind for the moment. “Now that everypony knows, will you promise not to go around getting arrested while looking like me, at least?”
“But why? The only reason I prance around the city looking like a miscolored Celestia without the cake flanks –“
“Hey!” Celestia interrupted, looking cross.
“ - is because these three seem to actually miss you, though I can’t imagine why.” She rolled her eyes to punctuate that last part. “And since you’re such a goody four-hooves now, they know you won’t come out and party with them. You could say I’m just offering a public service as part of my parole.”
Luna raised her tankard. “Hear hear!” Celestia normally would have matched the cheer, but she was currently occupied in poking her left flank with a hoof, frowning as she did so.
“Chrysalis, you really shouldn’t go around getting into trouble period,” Twilight pointed out.
“Oh please. She’s a princess. A few charges can be disappeared with a wave of a hoof. You just have to send them one of your little scrolls and poof, all gone!”
“Poof!” Luna shouted, letting off a small firework of magic from her horn.
Twilight looked to object, but stopped, sighed, and took another drink, looking as though drowning her stresses were the only thing she really cared about.
Cadance frowned. A number of possible things she could say passed through her mind, but none of them seemed sufficient. There was only one thing to do. A thing she’d promised Shining she would never do again.
She looked over at him, seeing that he was still fretting over the Lovebutt thing.
Maybe this will be easier than I thought.
“Shiny?” She smiled as she approached him.
“Cady?”
Pulling him away from the others, she leaned in close. “Shiny, do you remember when we decided to get married, how we promised each other that we’d never do certain things again?”
“If you’re asking what I assume you’re asking, then you have my permission,” he replied, grinning with relief. “Also, sorry about the Lovebutt thing.”
“I’m in a forgiving mood,” she replied airily, before lowering her voice to add, “and you can make it up to me later.”
His grin brightened a few extra watts. “Go get em, honey.”
“All right,” Cadance announced, as she walked back to the table. “If you won’t play nice, then I’ll just have to play you for it. We’re going to have a drinking contest.”
“You want to have a drinking contest…with us?” If the tone wasn’t enough, the look on Celestia’s face was more than sufficient to show how amusing she found that idea to be.
“I do,” Cadance replied, the slightest smirk tugging at her lips. “The four of you vs little old me.”
Luna started to laugh.
“Thy niece prefers to jest,” she said, snorting and raising her glass again. “We approve.”
Chrysalis was slightly less buzzed, and had the good sense to ask, “And what do we have to do if you win?”
“You in particular will have to commit to no longer impersonate me,” Cadance replied quickly. “In addition, all of you will have to go sober…for a month.”
“Hah! An easy challenge,” Celestia replied.
Twilight was not as far gone as the other three, but the prospect of a month without any kind of alcohol scared her. That, and she knew things about Cadance that the others did not.
“Uh, Celestia? I don’t think that’s – “
“Twilight?” Cadance’s tone was clipped, and her eyes locked onto her sister in law’s with a ferocity that would have impressed even Fluttershy.
“Cadance?”
“Quesadillas.”
Twilight closed her mouth with a snap. She could recognize a threat when she heard one. There would be no sharing of secrets tonight.
“And if we win?”
Cadance didn’t hesitate. “Then I’ll come here every weekend for a year to party with all of you.”
Celestia, Luna, and Chrysalis exchanged glances.
“Deal,” they said in unison.
Later, all three would reflect that they really should have seen it coming. The terms were just too good.
“Time for a Canterlot Mixer!” Cadance seized a bottle of tequila, a bottle of orange juice, and a shaker of cocktail syrup in her magic.
“Oh, Twilight,” Celestia moaned, her eyes struggling to focus. “How can she drink so much?”
Twilight, having had the good sense to surrender early on, mumbled, “She was Canterlot University’s fraternity drinking champion four years running. She just made sure you never found out.”
“And I outdrank the entire Royal Guard once,” Cadance added, the booze having greatly enhanced her boasting. She un-stoppered all three bottles, and, in a display of both truly spectacular magical control as well as evidence of a misspent youth, began to mix the drink in the air, forming a swirling sphere of alcohol and juice.
When it was done Cadance sent the bottles flying across the room, where they smashed against the wall, joining various others that had been chucked there during what could politely only be described as the bender-to-end-all-benders.
“All right, Chrysalis, you green haired tramp!” Cadance wobbled a bit, but steadied herself. She split the sphere in two, levitating one over to the Changeling. “First one to come up for air loses.”
Chrysalis’s earlier bravado, which had been waning as the evening had dragged on, finally failed her.
“I mean, really…this wasn’t entirely fair to begin with. We’d already been drinking, and you showed up sober.”
Cadance’s teeth glinted, almost as if they’d changed to points. “All right then.” With a deft move she reformed the two spheres into one. “I guess I’ll just have to finish this myself.”
Even Shining, who was well experienced with his wife’s tolerance for alcohol, looked up at that. “Uh, honey?”
“No honey!” she snapped. “I can do this!” Looking at Chrysalis, she raised her eyebrows. “And when I do it, you’ll agree that I won?”
“Yes,” Chrysalis replied, her grin returning, clearly doubtful that Cadance could manage that much liquor on top of everything she’d already drank.
The Princess of Love climbed up onto the table, doing her best to avoid disturbing the snoring Luna, who’d passed out sometime ago. Kicking a few glasses and bottles out of her way, Cadance lay down on her back and moved the sphere into position just over her head.
“Watch and learn, girls.”
And then she started to drink.
Chrysalis’s grin, which had been bright and pointy, started to dim after the first thirty seconds passed with no sign of stopping.
At the one-minute mark, the grin was gone, replaced with a look of sheer despair.
“That’s impossible,” she said, bringing one hoof up to rub at her impending headache. “How does she breathe?”
Shining had walked up next to the table, ready to help Cadance if the need arose. “I’ve never asked,” he replied.
Another minute passed, and still Cadance drank. Pure determination spilled from her eyes, mixed with glee.
Finally, three minutes and fourteen seconds later, the last of the booze went down her throat.
Cadance licked her lips, then paused, looking as though she might be sick.
“Ah! If she vomits she loses!” Chrysalis said, looking for any way out of the deal.
Shining watched as his wife closed her eyes for a moment. Then, with a roar of triumph, she spread her wings and took to the air.
“Undefeated!” she shouted, making Twilight and Celestia rush to cover their ears with their forehooves. Luna, quite sauced, continued to snore.
“I hope everypony learned their lesson today!” Cadance called down. “And the lesson is…NEVER CHALLENGE THE PINK ONE!”
With a groan, Celestia plunked her head onto the table, the prospect of having to sober up for a month suddenly all too real for her. Twilight, meanwhile, looked secretly pleased, though she was trying to appear disappointed.
To her credit, Chrysalis finally conceded.
“Fine. I won’t pretend to be you anymore,” she said, scowling. “You’re no fun at all, you know that?”
“Oh, I’m all kinds of fun,” Cadance replied, landing next to the table. “You should ask Daddy here how much fun I am.”
“And that’s a sign it’s time to get you to bed,” Shining quickly said, nudging his wife toward the door. Chrysalis looked at him, mouthing, “Daddy?”
“Long story,” he said, turning a bit pink. “Anyway, you all have a good night. I’ll talk to Gallus about getting you all on a sobriety plan in the morning.”
Cadance stumbled a bit as she walked to the door, leaning on Shining for support. As she neared a candle, she paused, concentrated, then let out an impressive belch…which was so laced with alcohol that it immediately ignited, providing an impressive burst of flame, making her look like a dragon.
“Hehehe…” she said, turning to look at Shining with eyebrows waggling. “I bet you’re impressed.”
“Astounded,” Shining said drily, guiding her along. “Let’s get you to bed now, okay?”
Author's Note
Shining Beacon mentioned in a comment on the previous story, "There's this strange dichotomy where Cadance is portrayed as either the wildest or the most responsible of the four Alicorns..."
I tend to agree.
Leaning against the building that the Guards knew as The Shack, Gallus cut an imposing figure, regardless of the way he was shaking from trying not to laugh.
"It's just...too precious," he finally choked.
To his left, Spike looked up from the scroll he'd been scribbling away at. "They are a sorry sight, aren't they?"
On the field in front of them stood four normally imposing creatures; three Alicorns and one Changeling queen. However, that morning the four of them looked like they'd rather be dead, each squinting in the bright sunlight and swaying on their hooves. Celestia even had a slightly greenish tint to her face.
In front of them, a sergeant major had mixed some sort of concoction in a small pot, which he was now ladling out into four cups.
"What is this?" Chrysalis asked, sniffing hesitantly at the cup he passed her.
"Trade secret!" the sergeant replied, puffing his chest out proudly. "One of the oldest traditions of the Guard. Guaranteed hangover cure."
The three Alicorns exchanged glances, knowing what was in the cup.
"All right, the four of you, drink up."
"And if I don't want to?" Chrysalis asked.
"Then I'll turn you back to stone," Twilight snapped, before wincing. She'd opened her eyes for that one, a mistake the sun quickly reminded her of.
With considerable trepidation, the Changeling tipped the cup upward, downing the foul smelling mixture. She immediately gagged, choking and coughing.
"You're trying to poison me!" she shouted, as the other three downed their cups and began the short walk to The Shack.
"I am not!" the sergeant responded indignantly. "This here is a cure, missy!"
"Poison!" she hissed again.
"I tell you, there's no poison in there. Just cayenne pepper, hot mustard, ipecac, asafetida, croton oil, and, uh, gunpowder."
Chrysalis opened her mouth to say something else, but stopped, looking downward as her stomach gurgled angrily.
The sergeant grinned. "Now, you best be off to The Shack with the others. Next few hours are gonna be downright lousy, and I figure you don't want anypony seeing ya."
As she quickly trundled off, Gallus finally let out the laugh he'd been holding in.
"Ah, you love to see it," he said, wiping a tear from his eye.
"That's easy for you to say. I have to be the one to hear Twilight go on about this for the next few months."
The two of them began walking back toward the Palace. "That bad?" Gallus asked.
Spike snorted, faint trails of smoke exiting his nostrils. "If I know Twilight, she's going to turn this into a crusade. Just you wait."
"For our sakes, I hope you're wrong..." Gallus replied, looking considerably less pleased than he had a moment ago. "But in case you're not, I've got a bottle of scotch in my desk calling my name. Care to join me?"
Author's Note
The 'hangover cure' here comes from the Western film El Dorado. Asafetida (or asafoetida) is a seasoning from India.
I've roughly storyboarded the sequel to this, Stone Sober Sovereign, but it'll probably be a few months at least.
Hopefully you enjoyed this one!
