Fluttershy's Hairy Problem

by Flutteryng

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Angel, Rarity, Fluttershy, Slice of Life
Length: 2713

Fluttershy discovers a downside to her long mane.

Fluttershy's mane is the envy of all of Ponyville. With her luxurious locks, it would seem that she knows all there is to proper mane care in all seasons. Sure, she's the go-to mare for animal care, but what will the shy pegasus do when there are no paths and the recent blizzard has left snowdrifts up to her knees?

Done entirely in first person(pony?), present tense- my current novel is first person(zombie?), present tense and I don't want to muck it all up by using third/past or third/present. This will be nothing short of ridiculous and predictable. The image is my own, drawn in Photoshop Elements 3 in like fifteen minutes. Ask permission before using, please!

This was originally intended as a one-shot; after writing the first 1700 words, I saw potential for a second chapter. This is the first fan fiction I have ever written- using characters that aren't mine has proven difficult, but incredibly fun. I won't update this further, but will have no problem writing more SoL and Comedy pieces because they make my heart smile. Enjoy! :)

Published 2012-09-11 11:14:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-09-11 11:14:01 UTC

The Mane Problem

“And that’s why it’s of utmost importance to at least try to keep your skin slightly oiled in winter!” Rarity has just finished one of her monologues that I guess the spa employees actually listen to. She said something about skin drying out and cracking (that can happen?!) because the winter snow saps moisture from everything. Aloe nods, totally enraptured in what my good friend has to say.

“What about manes?” I ask as loudly as I can. “I mean, nopony wants dry skin, but can your mane dry out, too?” I know she has a response for this, and I think the employees nod to me. Rarity’s eyes are covered in cucumbers- I really don’t know why she goes all-out on the beauty treatments. She’s really pretty to start with, but insists that her beauty has a cost.

A cost to the tune of about eighty bits per weekly visit. Nopony else I know visits the spa as often as Rarity does, so I’m not sure if she gets a discount for being a repeat customer or not. I sure hope so, because Twilight once said the spa ponies were ‘price gougers’. I thought that was mean. Oh, no! I missed out on Rarity’s hair care advice because of me and my big internal monologue. Somepony once told me I’ve got EADD- equine attention deficit disorder, but I really think I’m just a daydreamer.

“Because, really, who wants that?” Rarity waves a single, perfectly polished hoof in the air. I only notice it because the glitter in the hoofpolish catches the lamp light. I inspect my own hooves; clear polish, nicely rounded and a 45⁰ angle from toe to coronet band. I notice that Rarity’s hooves are closer to 55⁰, meant to smooth out her gaits. Huh, we’ve been doing this spa thing for ages and I’ve never noticed that.

“Well, my very best customers,” I blush as Aloe finishes blow-drying our manes, “the blizzard has finished its course and so have you!” She’s always chipper when we come in after hours, ever the businessmare. “That’ll be two hundred bits, please!” I feel a panic rising in my chest. I didn’t really want to come to the spa tonight- Angel Bunny was furious at me for even suggesting that I had plans that involved staying out after dark, let alone during a blizzard and-

“Oh, a nice discount!” Rarity’s voice is a bit chipper for just having been told that her beautification treatment for the week was twenty bits more than usual, while I’m driving myself into a colic episode over spending 100 bits for a facial and hoof treatment. “Don’t worry, Fluttershy dear. I’ve got this week covered.” She nudges me with her elbow, despite having covered the last oh… thirty weeks. “Just sold a marvelous gown to a Canterlot mare who needed it for a tea party, so it’s my treat.” If she keeps going on about this, I will Stare at her. However, she’s not the Element of Generosity for nothing- she really does have a heart of gold under all the glitz.

“I’ll bathe Opal for free for the next year,” I mumble, ready to repeat myself if needed. I’m really glad I don’t have to speak any louder when Rarity nods. “It’s really no trouble at all- you know I love making Opal look as pretty as a kitty can be!” I almost hoof-face myself for rhyming, but the fumes from the polish are still really strong and that would probably knock me out.

We walk outside, noticing that both the Earth and Pegasus ponies on weather patrol have been extra busy- one group making it snow as much as possible before this year’s Winter Wrap Up, the others muttering inaudible curses as they clean the paths and streets to everypony’s houses and businesses. Before a blizzard hits, you need to file paperwork announcing that you’ll be home and file that with the Earth Pony Weather Patrol Liason (I think Mayor Mare just made that title up for herself) under Form 32B, or there’s no path to your house. Form 32B is why all the little critters hibernate for the winter- it’s a nightmare. Ponies like Applejack and Twilight don’t have to fill the forms out because it’s assumed they’ll be home, as their business doesn’t take them out of town. I, however, need to fill one form out and file it a week in advance because I live out of town.

“Good night, Fluttershy! I do hope you make it home safely, I mean in this weather-“

“I’ll be fine, Rarity, I promise. I think Angel would send out a search party if I got home too late,” I assure her with a grin. After our farewell, I take off at a jog to get back home and out of the cold. What I see is… the bridge. My house.

And no path. The snow is still coming down pretty heavily, and as a poor flier I can’t exactly make it the forty feet to my cottage without falling into the snow every ten feet. I look around- a plow pony! Yay! And he’s coming my way! “Um… sir, if you’re not too busy, can you um…” My heart sinks when he sighs. Coincidentally, so do I. So much for being assertive!

“Sorry, Fluttershy. You filed Form 32B a day late- I can’t plow the path to your cottage without a written letter from Mayor Mare until tomorrow, with all the other late forms.” He looks around, and I know he’s at least trying to help. “Maybe if I get this path done quickly, I can get to yours.” I want my face to look deadpan, but I’ve never been good with deadpan. I’m actually ready to cry, because a ‘quick’ path cleaning is two hours.

“That’s OK. I can wait.” Really, mouth? Why must you betray me?

“I knew you’d understand! See you in a few hours!” A few?! Oh, no. Angel Bunny is staring at me through the window, which means I’m just gonna have to mare up and walk through the snow. My mane is already a bit frozen from snowflakes falling and melting and refreezing, how much worse can it get?

By the time I get to my cottage (walking through the powdery snow was easier than I thought!), I understand why draft ponies shave their fetlocks in winter and why Applejack braids her mane and tail. I totally understand why Big Mac actually keeps his tail short- it looks like I got in a snowball fight with myself and lost. I run to the well-lit fireplace, not only wishing I’d worn boots, but at least had the forethought to put a little oil by the frogs of my hooves to keep the ice from sticking.

“Angel, sweetie, please don’t tug at the ice balls, that hurts Momma!” He crosses his arms, and a little idea pops into his mind. He brings a large chunk of my icemane towards the fire, which seems to work- until it starts boiling the melting ice. I smell… something else melting. I look at the tips of my mane- a good six inches of it is fused together in the worst knot I have ever seen. “EEP! Warm water, then?” Angel hops into the kitchen and comes back with a kettle- and dumps the water into my mane and I suddenly remember one of Rarity’s tips for winter mane care.

“I know it sounds ridiculous,” she’d said. “But honestly, just let the snow melt on its own when you get it caught in your mane and tail. Trying to melt it out is a good way to fry the cuticle, which can’t be fully restored. You get split ends or just plain frizzy- some shampoos will ‘seal’ it all shut in a sort of silicone glue, but that’s not actually fixing the problem, now, is it?” I remember all of this just as Angel is melting the snow in my tail.

…

…

“Oh, buck.”

“Fluttershy, darling, come out this instant!” Hoofstomp. Stomp. Stomp. Ponies aren’t very good at knocking when they’re upset, it seems. Oh, no! I’ve upset Rarity- right now I’m torn between ignoring the fact that I’ve upset one of my very best friends because of my mane or upsetting her because I obviously didn’t listen to her mane care harangue. At the moment, I’m considering just chopping it all off to avoid suspicion. I’m that desperate. “I’m coming in!”

“Ohpleasedon’tRarity-“ she does. “Don’tlookatmeI’mnaked!”

“Fluttershy, I can’t even begin to think of how to respond to that statement. Now- OH SWEET CELESTIA, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!”

“Eep?”

“Oh, Fluttershy, you can’t possibly be seen in public like this. Did you try melting the snow out of your mane after I said it was a bad idea?”

“Um… yes.” I nod, my fried, frizzy hair sticking out from all angles. My mane in it’s current state is giving me another three feet of height.

“You look horrible.” Her ears are pinned so flat against her skull, you’d think it was her mane that fried out. “Even your pasterns got fried.”

“It would appear so,” I whisper. Celestia, kill me now. I can’t bear this scrutiny.

“I’ll be right back. I need to borrow a few things from the spa.” I nod- a little too much, as my mane has picked up its own momentum. As soon as she zips away, I lie down on the floor and try to hold my mane still- doing so makes a bird fly out.

“Hummingway! You could have died in there!” I nearly shout at the little bird- if I’d known he was in there, I would have feared for his life. A horrible thought crosses my mind.

The Secondary Problem

“There’s really a fine line between ‘rat’s nest’ manes and actually having a rat’s nest for a mane, Fluttershy.” Rarity is currently standing in my mane, scaring the critters out.

“How was I supposed to know that could actually happen?” I hear something squeak, another animal chirp, and a raccoon. “Maybe they liked the thought of hibernating in fur, instead of the cold dirt?”

“Animals don’t stop defecating during winter, Fluttershy.” She kicks her hoof out- if I wasn’t already laying down and on my side, I’d have gone to hide in a corner.

“My animals have manners- they’re not going to… to… oh no, they aren’t, are they?” My eyes grow wider and I hear Rarity say ‘no’ from somewhere inside my mane. Apparently, the drier it gets, the fluffier it gets- which is why my mane and tail are currently connected. “Oh, ok then.”

“Good-“ yank “ness, Fluttershy, how many pets do you have? Don’t answer that, nothing good can come of that answer. I may have to just shave it all off and surrender your mane and tail to the animals.”

“NO!” I say it a bit louder than I usually ever speak. “I mean… it took me a really long time to grow my mane out this long and it’ll take another seven years to get it as long as it is now and I know I’ll at least have to chop off the ends but please don’t make me a bald pony!” She steps out of my mane, harried but no worse for the wear. When I look at her, I start crying. “I’m not a very vain pony, but my mane and tail are very special to me- there’s no story behind my locks. I’ve just got good genetics, but good genetics doesn’t make hair grow faster- just longer.”

“Fluttershy, dear, I can’t understand you when you’re screaming, or whispering, or mumbling. Or rambling.” She pouts, magicking up a razor comb and a pair of scissors. “Now, I need to do this because your hair is a health hazard to anypony that comes near it. It’s stretched to the very limit of its length and even if I try fixing it now, it’ll be thinner than any mane or tail ever should be.” Snip, snip. “Honestly, darling, any of those kicks you felt was me trying to escape. I think your mane has become sentinent.” Snipsnipsnip

An hour later, I’m bald. I haven’t opened my eyes once because I don’t want to see the carnage. I mean, it took an hour to chop off my mane, tail, the hair on my fetlocks and pasterns. “Rarity, please tell me it’s not as bad as it looks.”

“You know the old ponytale of the princess in the tower?”

“Oh, dear.”

“Eh heh-heh… yes. Just… try your best to never be seen by anypony and live like that princess.” When I open my eyes, it’s to see Rarity kicking a pile of fluffy pink hair away from her leg.

“I have a dentist appointment today.” I’m glaring at her, which isn’t intimidating at all.

“Skip it?” She kicks another pile, and I’m not entirely certain but I think she was right about my mane and its sentience. Wrong- it squeaked.

“Oh, please be careful, Rarity- I think my animal friends are taking the remains of my mane into their nests.” This is confirmed when a raccoon pops out from one of the larger piles and drags it to a hole in the wall. “Kicking at the piles might startle some of them- they’re really grouchy right now so I can’t be certain they won’t bite.” I bite my lip, worried that I might have startled her with that little revelation because her jaw has gone slack. “Are you OK?”

“That depends. When was the last time you actually bothered cutting your mane?” She somehow manages to ask me this while her jaw is locked in the ‘shocked’ position.

“Well, I was just a filly and a colt was bullying me and got some of his gum in my mane. Mother had to roach it but-“

“So, never, really. You said your father was a unicorn, right?” I think that if her eyes get any wider, she’s going to dislocate them.

“Um… no. Both of my parents are pegasi- my great great grandmother was an earth pony but-“

“I think your hair is growing back already.” She swings a mirror in front of my face and I’m really excited until I see… absolutely no mane growth.

“Rarity, I think the hairspray fumes from last night are getting to you. I’m as bald as a baby bunny.” There are maybe six hairs she missed in my forelock which might give the impression, but I look worse now than I did before she cut my mane.

“Oh. Well, perhaps you can make buzz cuts the in thing for this winter?”

“That’s it. I’m hibernating. See you at the Wrap Up.” The animals did a really good job of cleaning up the mass of hair, and only a few strings still litter the floor. “Or until the next disaster hits Equestria. Whichever comes first?” My voice squeaks.

“I wouldn’t say this if I didn’t love you- but that’s actually probably a really good idea. You should probably write Princess Celestia that this is an honest act of friendship.”

“….or at least to let her know that I’m not dead, just testing if ponies can hibernate? I think that’ll work with Twilight, at least. I’d hate to think that everypony else would think that I’ve abandoned them. I’ll send the letter with you.”

~*~

Dear Princess Celestia;

Today, I learned that you probably should take advice from your friends, no matter what the subject matter is. Even if the topic isn’t one you’re interested in, sometimes that advice could save you from a really, really embarrassing situation.

Also, and on a totally unrelated note that has nothing to do with the lesson on friendship at all in any manner, I’m going to try hibernating this year. If animals can do it, ponies should be able to, as well. (I have supplies stocked up in case this doesn’t work out.)

With much love and adoration;

Fluttershy

Dear Fluttershy,

I suggest a wig.

Love,

Princess Celestia