The Great Cake Heist

by Mind Jack

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Luna, Comedy, Scootaloo, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2402

Scootaloo makes perhaps the greatest cutie mark attempt in history, at Celestia's expense. Celestia is not pleased.

Scootaloo makes perhaps the greatest cutie mark attempt in history, at Celestia's expense. Celestia is not pleased.

A commission written for https://www.fimfiction.net/user/176221/The+wandering+commenter

The idea is theirs. The writing is mine.

Published 2021-11-08 20:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2021-11-08 20:50:01 UTC

And the Punishment That Followed

This would be the greatest cutie mark attempt of the century.

Scootaloo looked over her plans, written on the highest-quality posterboard, using the finest crayons. She had spent a whole hour coming up with them. Everything had been accounted for: routes in and out, guard positions, and how to counter security.

It would be the perfect heist.

Sadly, she would have to perform the greatest cutie mark attempt in history alone. Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle had been too cowardly to join her. They had called her mad to undertake such a feat.

She peeked out of the blinds. Her parents were in some perilous wild far from here, and far from her destination. They wouldn't be able to interfere.

Returning from the window, Scootaloo took stock of her tools. She had a grappling hook and plenty of rope, a dummy of herself, a flashlight, her trusty scooter, and several coconuts. She had wanted to use the ballista that she'd used for a school assignment, but it was too big to move. So she settled for a miniature trebuchet.

Lastly, she had a train ticket. The last train for her target left in an hour. She would need to leave soon, or she would miss her opportunity.

She gathered her supplies into a pair of saddlebags and, with one last, deep breath to steady herself, she climbed out of her bedroom window, and shimmied down a rope made of bedsheets. She would need all her actual rope for the heist.

Of course, she left too early, and had to stand around for around forty minutes. She honestly hadn't expected performing a daring heist to involve so much waiting.

After a lot of sitting on the platform, impatiently tapping her hoof, her train pulled in. She showed her ticket, and boarded.

Scootaloo was headed for Canterlot.

The guards atop the castle walls never saw Scootaloo coming.

Once she'd set up the trebuchet, a few launched coconuts cleared her passage over the wall. Thankfully, the guards were all wearing their golden helmets, otherwise she'd have been guilty of a lot more than grand larceny. As it was, they just had coconut-induced head trauma.

Her grappling hook made climbing over a piece of cake. Kind of ironic, considering what she was planning.

The castle garden was a different story. The guards there had been sheltered by the wall, rendering her trebunuts useless. This would require stealth.

She ran from bush to bush. At one point, a guard stopped to sniff a flower right above her head. She held extremely still, pretending to be an orange rock. He left without incident.

"Hey! What the hay is that?" A guard yelled out from across the garden.

If all went according to plan, he would be pointing at the dummy she'd set up on the castle wall, attached by a rope to a hidden bucket, that slowly filled as kitchen staff threw things out of a window into the dark. The bucket would pull the dummy off of the castle wall, making it look like an intruder had just escaped the castle.

"After them!" Hoofsteps thundered past her, towards where she had set up the dummy.

Grinning, Scootaloo hopped on her scooter. She needed to move fast for this part.

A hill sloped upwards towards a window. Scootaloo had bribed a maid with cupcakes to leave that window open, and she could see that her accomplice had followed through.

She revved up, and flapped her wings for extra speed. The hill acted as a makeshift ramp, bringing her up and into the open window.

Scootaloo had made it, but not just into the castle.

She was right in front of the vault.

The gigantic, golden vault was surrounded by ten sun emblems, which could normally only be opened if Princess Celestia herself shined the sun through the window at an angle it would never normally reach.

But Scootaloo had a plan for that.

She pulled out her flashlight. It was high-power, the type normally used for search and rescue.

It took up the last of her rope to build a harness to hang that flashlight at the proper distance. When she clicked it on, it shined like the sun into the room, illuminating the sun-shaped locks.

All at once, those suns rotated, and the vault door opened. Scootaloo couldn't help a grin. She was in!

Scootaloo nonchalantly strolled into the vault. There was no security inside the vault. The princess needed to access the contents quickly when she wanted it. Extra security would only slow her down.

The walls inside the safe were immaculate white, and all of the contents were inside beautiful glass containers.

As she looked over the largest collection of exotic cakes in the world, Scootaloo let out a low whistle. She was going to have her work cut out for her getting all this home.

Little did the filly felon know, she was being watched.

Princess Celestia herself sat in a room filled wall-to-wall with security monitors. The alabaster alicorn had seen every single move that this little wannabe pastry purloiner had made since she entered the city.

She sipped her tea thoughtfully. She could just call the guards to the vault, but that wouldn't accomplish much. Her little pony might get away. Even if she didn't, arresting her would only teach Scootaloo herself a lesson. No, that wouldn't do.

Celestia tapped her chin thoughtfully, going over her mental list of prisons and punishments that she had been saving for future enemies of Equestria. She needed something public, which would show the world what an astronomically bad idea this was.

At last, her mind landed on an old classic. Yes… It'll be subtle enough that nopony complains, but overt enough that future thieves will be dissuaded. It's perfect!

Celestia finished her tea with a satisfied sigh. A maid immediately went to refill her cup, but Celestia held up a hoof to forestall her. "Clear my appointments for the week," she ordered. "I need to prepare for a visit to Ponyville."

Hours later, Scootaloo closed the door to Sugarcube Corner, a big bag of bits on her back from the sale of her bounty.

Every single one of those coins was likely to go towards curing her disappointment at the lack of a mark on her flank. The whole heist had been for nothing! It was a sham! A failure! A wild goose chase!

Maybe she'd go and see Applebloom and Sweetie Belle. That would cheer her up.

Scootaloo made her way into the town center, and caught a glimpse of her fellow crusaders among a large crowd, gathered around something. She started to trot towards them, but was stopped by somepony stepping into her path.

She looked up at the rather intimidating, golden-armored guard stallion. "U-uh… is everything okay?"

"Princess Celestia would like to speak with you," he replied, stone-faced. "Please follow me."

Scootaloo considered running, but that would only confirm her guilt. She had to stay calm. There was no way Celestia had anything on her.

The guard led her into a house that had previously been abandoned, last time Scootaloo checked.

The great monarch of the sun sat upstairs, gazing out of the window. To Scootaloo's surprise, she turned and greeted her with a smile containing all the warmth of the sun. "Hello, Scootaloo!"

Something is wrong here. "H-hello…"

"Why so scared, my little pony?" Celestia asked with a chuckle. "I only brought you here to ask for your help."

Scootaloo's ears flicked. "My help?"

"Yes. As I understand it, you're unable to fly, yes?"

Scootaloo glowered, grinding her teeth and pinning her ears. "Yeah. That's right." She cleared her throat, pulling herself together so she didn't get in trouble for biting a princess' head off. "Why?"

"Well, you see, I'm in Ponyville today to show off a wonderful new piece of technology," Celestia replied. "Buuuut… I need a test subject who's a normal pony, to show that anypony who wants to can use it. How do you feel about flying further and faster than any other filly in history?"

"FLYING!?" Instantly, all of Scootaloo's hesitations went out the window, along with her common sense. She was grinning right in Celestia's face. "What about flying? I'll fly! I don't care how far!"

Had Scootaloo still been in possession of her common sense, she'd have noticed Celestia's grin turn a little bit sinister.

The crowd Scootaloo had spotted earlier had apparently been gathered to see Celestia's technology showcase. A wooden stage had been set up, and there was a large object under a white sheet on it.

The guard who had intercepted Scootaloo lifted the sheet and herded her under it, opening a hatch on the obscured machine so she could climb in. She still wasn't able to get a glimpse of what the machine looked like, and it was really cramped inside. She could, however, still hear.

"Mares and gentlecolts, today is a very important moment in history!" Celestia announced.

Scootaloo found a passage forward and upward, crawling up it so she could hear better. Eventually her hooves met an edge, where she could feel the fabric of the sheet.

She was almost blinded as the sheet was ripped away, letting the sun into the darkness of her hole.

When her vision returned, she blinked as she got a glimpse of the machine itself.

It was a cannon.

The cannon was dark blue, with the word MOONSHOT printed on the side, each of the O's being stylized as a different phase of the moon.

"Today, this brave filly has volunteered to be the first mortal pony on the moon!"

Scootaloo's ears shot straight up, her pupils shrinking to pinpricks at Celestia's words.

Sadly, her panicked "Wait, what!?" was drowned out by the approving roar of the crowd.

"Woooo!"

"So brave!"

"You can do it, Scootaloo!"

"You're totally not gonna die!"

"Why do you look so scared, Scootaloo?" Celestia asked. "I'm sure it will be a piece of cake."

Scootaloo's blood ran cold.

"Awww. Seems the brave little astronaut is having cold hooves! Give her some encouragement everypony!"

The crowd screamed as one. There was chanting of her name, inspirational anecdotes, and a few shouts about her scooter's extended warranty almost being up. Her parents, as usual, were not present.

Celestia lowered the sun, and the moon raised directly into the Moonshot's path.

Scootaloo gulped. Now would be a really good time for an escape cutie ma—

Boooom!

Celestia watched the filly zoom off into the sky so quickly that anything she said couldn't even be heard. A satisfied smile crossed her face. You got my cake, Scootaloo, but you can't eat it too.

The landing, surprisingly, wasn't that rough. Maybe it was the low gravity, but Scootaloo's impact on the moon was relatively soft.

But while the moon's gravity was low, the gravity of Scootaloo's situation was very dire indeed. Immediately upon her arrival, she started panicking as she desperately tried to hold her breath. Had she been sent up here to suffocate!? She knew from school that there was no air on the moon!

Finally, she could take it no longer. She gasped, and into her lungs flowed… air.

She opened her eyes, expecting to see nothing but an empty, rocky landscape. That was accurate, but around her she also saw a small living area. There was a couch, a bookcase, a bed, a storage trunk, and a desk with a lamp. A small wooden sign read: Property of Nightmare Moon! Do not touch!

Scootaloo looked down, and realized that her soft landing was actually thanks to a large pile of cushions.

She found a decent supply of canned food, bottled water, and a can opener stowed away in a nearby crater, with a similar sign to the living area. It was enough to last months.

With that, her mind went from fear to boredom, and then from boredom to thoughts of vengeance. She had been tricked. All she'd done was steal cake! She didn't deserve this!

There had to be something she could do from up here.

Shockingly, all it took was a cursory search to reveal that the completely unlocked and unprotected trunk near the bed was marked DANGEROUS MAGICAL ITEMS! KEEP OUT!

Scootaloo rifled through it. A pocket watch she tossed aside briefly stopped time. A sip of a mysterious potion turned her into an alicorn for about five seconds. There was a mirror with a demon inside that tried to talk her into letting it out.

Finally, she hit the jackpot. Scootaloo's grin was almost as evil as Celestia's had been as she pulled out her ultimate weapon. It's go time.

Two weeks later...

Celestia looked up at the sky in horror. As she sat on her bedroom balcony, she truly could not believe her eyes.

Luna walked up behind her, sipping coffee. "Ah. It appears young Scootaloo has found Nightmare Moon's Infinite Paint Can."

The image that Scootaloo had drawn on the moon must have taken a significant amount of time, as it spanned the entire side of the moon that faced the planet.

It was a picture of Celestia, drawn in red paint, with a massive posterior. Above her head was a speech bubble, containing the words: I eat too much cake!

"Maybe it's time to bring her back down," Celestia suggested. Before she can do more damage. "I'm sure she's learned her lesson."

"You think?" Luna said in a sarcastic tone.

Celestia gave her the stink eye as her horn glowed.

In a flash of gold, Scootaloo appeared about a foot in the air, fluttered her wings in panic, and plopped unceremoniously to the ground.

She and Celestia glared at each other for several seconds, before Celestia held out a hoof. "Did you learn your lesson?"

Scootaloo smirked. "I guess so. You learn yours?"

"Touche," Celestia grumbled.

Scootaloo took the offered hoof, climbing to her hooves. "Wanna go finish off what's left in your cake vault?"

Celestia was about to reply, but Luna spoke up first. "You should probably be aware that I have no way of removing that picture from the moon."

Celestia grit her teeth to the point that they nearly broke. "Sure. Fine. That's great. Let's go stress ea— I mean… eat cake." I desperately need it.