The dumpster's opening flew up and out popped an ivory-colored man with slicked-back hair, eye-glasses, jet black clothes, and rosy red cheeks(However those simply looked painted on). He looked similar to a salesman from the 80s. His glasses had mismatched tints, the left lens being mustard yellow, and the right lens being coral-colored. He also looked vaguely like a puppet and had a large smile that made Spike uneasy for some reason.

"HEY EVERY !! IT'S ME!!! EV3RY BUDDY 'S FAVORITE [[Number 1 Rated Salesman2012]] SPAMT SPAMTON G. SPAMTON!!!" The man shouted in a sleazy but attention-grabbing voice while twitching repeatedly. Spike wasn't sure if that glee was genuine or just naturally forced. He didn't care, either way, so he decided to turn around to go to another alley.

However, it wasn't long before Spamton quickly caught some movement out of the corner of his eye and exclaimed, "WOAH!! IF IT ISN'T..." Spamton flipped down from the dumpster with admirable finesse and continued, "[[The Legendary Hero]]! HE-Y HE Y HEY!!!" Spamton inched toward Spike with each syllable until he was face to face with Spike. Spamton then aggressively shook Spike's hand. Spike thought his arm was going to get flung sky-high. When Spike turned around to look at Spamton, he was astonished that Spamton was just as tiny, if not a little shorter than him.

"LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE [[All Alone On A Late Night?]] ALL YOUR FRIENDS, [[Abandoned you for the slime]] YOU ARE? SALES, GONE DOWN THE [[Drain]][[Drain]]?? LIVING IN A GOD[[$@&^]] GARBAGE CAN???" Spamton ranted overdramatically.

Right after his monologue, he punched his dumpster for no apparent reason. The dumpster had dents all over it, implying this Spamton character was not to be trifled with. Spike realized that all of the things that Spamton noted seemingly applied to well, Spamton himself.

So he internally chuckled, the first time ever since Thorax disappeared. Suddenly recalling that event, he noticed that the traits applied to himself as well, minus the living in a dumpster part, though his Spike action figure toy line did get canceled. So, he decided to listen to this strange little man, although his instincts already shot off several red flags about Spamton.

"WELL HAVE I GOT A [[Specil Deal]] FOR LONELY [[Hearts]] LIKE YOU!!" Spamton swiftly turned around and somehow got himself in front of a jump-scared Spike. "You do?" Spike shakily replied. "OF COURSE MY [[Valued]] CUSTOMR!!" Spamton continued bellowing, "IF YOU [[Lost Control of Your Life]] THEN YOU JUST GOTTA GRAB IT BY THE [[Silly Strings]] WHY BE THE [[Little Lizard]] WHO HATES ITS [[3 bits]] LIFE WHEN YOU CAN BE A
[[BIG SHOT!!!]]

[[BIG SHOT!!!!]]

[[BIG SHOT!!!!!]]"

"Oh come on! I'm a dragon! Why does nopony get that right?" Spike disdainfully said after recovering from Spamton's outburst.

However, Spamton ignored that comment and continued, "THAT'S RIGHT!! NOW'S YOUR CHANCE TO BE A [[BIG SHOT]]!! AND I HAVE JUST. THE THING. YOU NEED."

Spamton rigidly inched closer to Spike as he said those words. Spike, trying to back away for the sake of personal space, asked, "What is it?" Spamton chortled in response, "IT'S [[Elementary, My Dear Watson]]. THAT'S [[Hyperlinked Blocked]]. YOU WANT IT. YOU WANT [Hyperlinked Blocked]], TO HAVE THE [[Ability]] TO MAKE YOUR OWN [[Acquaintances]] FREE OF CHARGE, DON'T YOU."

Spike was slightly confused. What was this "hyperlinked blocked?" What did it mean? Why can't he just speak normally? Who or what was "blocking" Spamton's ability to speak properly and for what reason? Why did he call him Watson?

Before Spike could ask anything, Spamton interjected, "WELL HAVE I GOT A DEAL FOR YOU!! ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SHOW ME YOUR [[HeartShapedObject]]." Spike queried, "Heart-shaped object?" Spamton ignored Spike yet again, "YOU'RE CRYsTAL HERO< AREN'T YOU? YOU'VE GOT THE [[Heroics]]. WHY DON'T YOU [[Show it off?]]"

Spamton then flailed around and made a laugh that would make a Dragon Lord tremble in fear, assuming they weren't already creeped out by this...this THING. Spike gulped, realizing that this was possibly a terrible, terrible mistake. And he was no Dragon Lord.

Spike regained his composure as if it were outside intervention, and even he was surprised that he was not cowering in fear. As he stood his ground, he suddenly had a random thought, "DON'T YOU WANNA BE A BIG SHOT?" He shooed it off, thinking it was because he already spent too much time with Spamton.

Suddenly, what looked like a light pink heart materialized in front of Spike. Before Spike could focus on it any further, Spamton obviously noticed it too, as he cried out, "HEY HEY HEY! I'VE NEVER SEEN A [HeartShapedObject] LIKE THAT BEFORE!! MY EYES ARE [[Burning]] LIKE [[Knockoff books at Half-pr1ce!]] I HAVE A VERY SPECIL [Deal] FOR YOU KID!"

Spamton then enlarged his already freaky head and started inhaling Spike's soul. "Oh no! Nonononono!" Spike pulled it away before it could be destroyed. The rattled drake then turned to see what looked like pure white coins the size of Spike's soul also being inhaled in Spamton's enormous maw. Spike was able to dodge most of the projectiles, with a few grazing his face.

"AHHHHH! Mother of Celestia! It burns!" Spike shrieked in pain.

"ARE YOU BURNING LIKE [Acid!] SPENT TOO MUCH TIME IN THE SSUN AND IT MAKES YOU WANT TO [[Commit die]]? THEN BUY SPAMTON'S OINTMENT AND SKIN [Tear] LOTION PACKAGE FOR -1 EASY PAYMENTS of 1982-"

"J-Just tell me more about this deal please!" Spike wanted to get whatever the Tartarus this was out of here in one piece, so he wanted to quickly end it.

"THAT'S THE ATTITUDE YOU LITTLE [Slime]! DEALS LIKE THIS ONLY COME ONCE IN YOUR [[Ant-sized]] [[Rapidly-shrinking]] LIFE!!" Spamton chimed.

"Ok then, let's talk about it!" Spike stated.

"NO CAN DO, [Pardner] TO BECOME THE CREAM OF THE CREAM OF THE [[System Error]], YOU'VE GOT TO STOP AND SMELL THE [[Capitialism]] SO BUCKLE UP, KIDS, WE'RE GOING ON A ROAD [Wreck]!" Spamton erractically remarked.

Crud, this guy is determined. He's not going to let me leave that easily, Spike thought. So, I won't give up either!

To be [[Sustained]]

Author's Note

For those of you who don't want to delve into Undertale AUs, Spike's SOUL trait is Innocence from Comic's fanmade SOUL traits in Voxistale. No, I'm not advertising it. It barely exists, as my several Google searches can vouch for me :P