Apple Family Year-End Financial Report

by SparklingTwilight

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Applejack, Comedy
Length: 1849

"'Howdy! If y'all give me a moment of yer time, this here prospectus'll give ya' an inklin' of how profitable it may darn well be ta' invest in Sweet Apple Acres.' ... That's an int'restin' enough description for ya', Twilight?"

"Howdy y'all. It's been a tough year in Ponyville, what with tha' depredations of that trumped-up darn old 'Lord Tirek', but we buckled down, harvested them apples an' made a whole lotta hay."

"Twilight, that don't make much sense," Applejack objected. "We don't grow hay except for personal consumption."

"Hay's a synonym for bits. You made a lot of bits."

"Not enough, or else we wouldn't be filin' this fundraisin' plea."

"Trust me," Twilight said: "This makes sense."

"Don't seem completely honest..."

Venpony your investments and Social Security Number to Applejack today at {link removed by author}.

Era: Season 4.

Featured Story: on 18/11/2021

Image: by me with the site's Applejack image embedded.

Published 2021-11-18 23:40:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-11-18 23:40:00 UTC

Financial Report, Equestrian Revenue Service Form ERS-990

Apple Family Year End Financial Report

Howdy y'all, Applejack Apple, Element of Honesty here with Sweet Apple Acres' year-end financial report.

It's been a difficult year, what with the vampire fruit bats and Tirek troubles, but we buckled down and did our darn-tootinst best and got pretty much well through it. I'm writin' this here report a few days 'afore publication so it's not fair to say we've gotten completely through tha year, but we got through just about as much of it as we could before this here letter was due to you.

Revenues were strong, with a 10% increase year on year, possibly due to increased immigration to Ponyville or increased reach of the farm's exports as demand has increased in Canterlot for our goods. Consultants (Twilight mostly) suggest that the presence of an Element of Harmony as CAO* and President of the Board has been a net benefit to our brand.

Liability payouts increased 110% due to activities related to Cutie Mark Crusading performed by a particular unnamed member of the family. Time-outs and punishments are predicted to increase 50% in order to stanch this monetary bleed but termination is not a valid solution.

These payouts included: Four bits to the Ponyville Library for overdue book fines; Twenty-five bits to the Ponyville Library due to destruction of a book on ancient Equestrian agricultural techniques; one-hundred bits settlin' a skateboard incident; two-hundred bits for a slip-and-fall; one thousand and one point five bits for damages to a place of business; one thousand and two bits in damages for reckless assault; ... (list continues).

Net Profits year-on-year were flat-ish at 0.5% due to tha' aforementioned liability payouts and several unexpected disasters causin' spoilage.

Depreciation is somethin' I don' half understand so I ain't coverin' it despite what Twilight says about how properly calculatin' the utility degradation of depreciation can be useful for tax savin's an' how each year tha' barn and other equipment assets depreciate. That's just bunk; we all mighty well appreciate them assets even more after each additional year of use they are put to. Y'all are just gonna have to deal with that.

Risks Section:

Big Mac might get married an' move away from Ponyville.

Apple Bloom might decide she wants to move to Manehatten or some other farfangled place.

I won't get married, though, y'don' need worry about that. No special ~~stallionfriends~~ [editor's insert carat] ponyfriends on my horizon. ~~No siree. Or special marefriends. Least right now. Guess I should cover that too since it's a possibility. That about do it, Twilight?~~

Sweet Apple Acres might get eaten by some sorta massive sandworm.

Earthquakes.

Tornado.

Full-grown dragon-related soot.

Too many Pinkie Pies tramplin' crops.

Animals tramplin' crops.

Discord sometimes visits, though he has promised to cause less trouble goin' forward. At least he hasn't done any lastin' damage. He fixed tha' ravenous stiltrabbits--eventually.

We don' need worry 'bout a volcano. Probably.

Tirek.

Weevils.

Changelings could replace all the fruit with whatever those pests do.

Fruit Bats. They live in a quarantined portion o' the field but ya' never know what them shifty beasts might do.

Flim and Flam.

Cider shortage.

Increased competition.

Cow contractors might organize inta' a union an' make some demands. (Please don't).

Change in tastes from apples to somethin' weird like strawberries.

Governmental regulations banning cider, like durin' tha' era of Ciderinhibition.

Cutie Mark Crusader-related accidents.

Health inspection, since Twilight insists on listin' it, but all our apples are sanitarily cared for.

Friendship problems.

Injuries.

An' I suppose any one of us or all of us Apples could drop dead. It's happened before with my parents. [The subsequent section has writing smudged, possibly by some sort of liquid. It's hard to make out.]

Dividends:
Dividends will be paid once yearly in tha' form of apple cider come tha' first day of Cider Season. One glass, glassware not included. 'Glass' means tha' physical size of a standard Equestrian glass or mug--not one of those promotional hoofball mugs or some other weirdfangled whatsamajiggers. If ya' can't make it out ta' Ponyville on that' first day, then ya' don' get yer cider. Stuff goes fast. But, ya' get to be served near tha' front of tha' line iffen ya' can demonstrate yer stockholdin' bona fides. That means ya' got proof ya' own stuff but Twilight wanted me ta' use what she calls tha' 'traditional words' even though they're too fancy an' they ain't even Equestrian.

Sustainability Section:
Apples are darn tootin' sustainable. With their seeds, ya' can regrow 'em.

Their water requirements... I dunno. Lots.

100% organic apples are the only apples grown here. No chemicals in 'em. An' ta' keep it that way, Doctor Hooves is still 100% banned from the Farm and those affected by his experiments a couple years back have long ago settled wit' us, so there's no risk remaining. Twilight checked them liability releases.

Twilight said somethin' about it bein' helpful ta' have an annual emissions storage calculation. Here it is:
(10 kilograms of carbon per tree. I'm using jungle tree calculations 'cause our trees are pow'rful like that. Then we multiply that by 5,000 trees which comes out to 'bout 50,000 kilograms of carbon stored per year.) An' that just about outweighs the emissions from our cow contractors' flatulence. (Even though Twilight says I don't need it, I guess pony emissions are similar to cow emissions+ and it's only just right that I put in pony emissions too. It's a fair comparison because we're all ungulates, so add four more emitters to tha' emissions total gits us 2,991 kg (99.7 kilograms of methane emissions per pony/cow multiplied by 30.)

Conclusion:
So, if y'all can see it in yer hearts to take a chance on investin' in good ol' Sweet Apple Acres, we'd be mighty appreciative.

- Applejack Apple, Chief Apple Officer

Applejack handed Twilight the final proof of her first-ever yearly prospectus and investment-solicitation form: "Twilight, I still don't think it's a good idea to take on investors. Real newfangled idea. Sounds like something Flim and Flam would do."

Twilight shook her head at mention of the charlatan twins. "This is a sure-fire way to attract funds you need for repair and expansion. I've been reading some recently discovered books where Clover the Clever details these types of financial schemes. They used to be more common but after a minor incident involving Princess Platinum and some flowers, they fell out of use."

Applejack raised an eyebrow.

"These are not an 'illegal' type of scheme, just 'schemes' in the sense of a synonym for 'plans'," Twilight explained. "They allow excellent access to capital without the need for debt."

"I can't argue with not takin' on debt," Applejack commented. "If that's really tha' case." Her eyes narrowed.

"It's not like you're issuing bonds. You're just selling small portions of interest in your farm. You can always buy back the shares later."

Applejack sighed: "An' if all these ponies are fooled--I mean convinced: don't worry Twi, it's just hard to adjust my thinkin'." Applejack took a deep breath. "That is, if these ponies are convinced ta' start investin', jest what do they get?"

"Dividends." Twilight's voice was flat, serious.

"Tha' what now?"

"The cider. You had a whole section on it."

"I put tha' part in like you asked, but that's jest like guaranteed pre-orderin'."

"Don't worry about it."

"An' what if so many ponies invest that we can't meet this 'dividend' whatsit, or if the cider goes bad?"

"Won't happen." Twilight shook her head. "It's not like Ponyville will magically turn into a dust-bowl."

"Better add that to the risks," Applejack mumbled, staring at the prospectus in Twilight's hoof.

"But if something like that did happen, then there would be a margin call or something similar, I suppose. If you couldn't pay out an equivalent value in bits, then your assets would be seized," she paused. "We'll deal with that problem if necessary. But it won't be."

Invest today in Sweet Apple Acres! Help Applejack weather stormy weather!

Author's Note

Comment below to invest! (maybe...).

* CAO: Chief Apple Officer
+ Applejack is incorrect that emissions per pony equal emissions per cow.

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