A/N: Well I can safely say these are two firsts for me. One being my very first Friendship is Magic story and the other first…being my first trollfic. I have to say this was a lot of fun to write and I really hope you guys enjoy this one. Like I have said, it’s very different from what I usually write. But just shut off your mind and just…accept it! I look forward to reactions and reviews and such AND if you think there should be a sequel, let me know. On that note: LET’S DO THIS!
Is It a Good Idea To Microwave a Fanfic?
Written by Zak Kayes (FlameAmigo619/ToonKriticY2K)
In the year 20-whogivesaflyingbuck…in a galaxy far, far, away…
So yea, there’s this land in your television screen that was created in Canada called Equestria. They got these two princesses who ain’t even queens, they got durgans of many technicolors because Celestia felt evil and made a bunch of Dragon Tales rejects, and they got a bunch of talking ponies. Had said princesses not been too busy smoking bongs full of fruit loops, shit might have actually got done. But enough about my bumper balls! (Seriously, Mario Party is the best movie ever.)
The sun was shining, birds were singing, no no…that’s a crappy intro. Let’s try that again.
OH YEAH. This is that one story where Pinkie Pie found a television and created show about microwaving stuff. I know right, that’s awesome! It isn’t? Well buck you too I say with a colorful colon p.
No one knows exactly what happened. See back in the day (which was a Wednesday by the way) no one in "Dat Place Where Pownies Leaf" knew what exactly television was. UNTIL ONE DAY Twilight Princess Sparkle over here said “Wouldn’t it be amazing if I could watch things on a little box? It could revolutionize our society!” Not even 2 seconds later did an echoing thunderclap echo (Redundant I know) through the sky. The lavender pony’s eyes turned to the window and there from the heavens above (Do ponies even believe in heaven or an afterlife or do they just dream of a world filled with donuts and sexy humans?) fell a strange African American colored plasma television screen the size of an entertainment center down to the earth below.
At the same time, a griffin was bouncing Pinkie-Pie style with a scroll in her mouth, quickly taking it out of her mouth to raise it in the air. “Hey guys!” she screamed with glee. “I’m gonna be returning in Season 3 finally!!!”
Unfortunately no one was around to hear her and no one would once the TV decided to make its nest in her head. And with only the perfect coincidental timing of any fanfic around, Twilight Sparkle came galloptrotting (IT’S A NEW WORD.) around the corner, gasping at the sight in the middle of the path.
“HOLY CRAP, THEY KILLED GILDA!” she yelled.
Before she could continue that mediocre catchphrase, Pinkie Pie then teleported out of Twilight’s ear and onto the ground, landing on her tail and balancing like a kangaroo from West Harlem.
“...ehh. No one really gave two bits on her anyway.” Twilight could only stare at the obnoxiously pink like equine. “Ohai Twily! Whatcha dooooooing?!”
Twilight raised a hoof to question but she had learned a LONG time ago that Pinkie Pie logic, though always worth a question, should NEVER be questioned. After all there was Legend of Zelda timeline logic, Disney logic, WWE PG era logic…and then there was Pinkie. For her own sanity that had slowly been driveling out of her head, Twilight put down her hoof and mumbled a word that Microsoft Word would have a field day with.
Meanwhile Luna had observed the whole situation but shrugged and went right back to playing Final Yaoi Emo Fantasy XXXXXXXXXVII-2. (Because even though there was never such a thing as television, there WERE computers. SCIENCE!)
“Soooooooo what exactly is this thing?” asked the supposedly intelligent lavender pony.
Pinkie blinked and slowly trotted forward, staring up at the television with wide bewildered eyes. It was a smile unlike any other, a smile of pure glee, a smile that only a sadistic mother bucker would have after stomping through a puppy farm.
“I dunno, Twily.” said Pinkie. “It…it’s like a giant screen. I-I feel…like I wanna sit in front of it for hours.”
Suddenly, the television magically turned on…to an episode of Toddlers and Tiara. Both Pinkie and Twilight nearly vomited in disgust. (Diamond Tiara, bearing witness, displayed the biggest "me gusta" face of all.)
“Mother of Celestia…” whispered Twilight, removing the pair of shades from her eyes that had magically appeared on her face.
AND THEN IT HAPPENED. In just under 2 monthes, the magical land of Equestria saw the birth of television. Jersey Shore, Toddlers and Tiara, Ghost Hunters, Jeopardy, Sesame Street, The Secret Life of the American Teenager, these were just a sample of the shows that came to pollute the minds of the young and old. Some went mad and some were even, dare we say, inspired. One day, whilst watching an episode of Home Improovement, Pinkie Pie was struck with an idea. Well actually a fish came up to her and slapped her with a shark that had the word “Idea” written in pink sharpie marker on it.
“If they can do a show within a show, so can I!” she boldly proclaimed.
Let’s just say “Epic Cupcake Time” didn’t do quite as well as she had planned. (IWAS JUSTKIDDINGLOVEYOUGUYSDONTSUEME!) Steven Magnet gave the show half a moustache saying the show “just didn’t have enough me in it” and that Pinkie reminded her of “that one guy on the internet with the beard.”Zero Punctuation simply said the show was “sorancidthatitmademewantovomitoutmylungsandplaythebagpipeswhilehittingmyfootagainsthewall.” At least that was everyone could decipher since he spoke a mile a minute and could more than likely power the internet router in Equestria for at least a year with how quick he talks. But Rainbow Dash simply said NOT the obvious in that “it didn’t
need to be 200 percent cooler. It wasn’t even 10. But it was still better then Will it Blend.”
So…Pinkie Pie turned to the one outlet she KNEW she could at least get semi-popular on: PUBLIC ACCESS!
And then “I Think It’s A Good Idea to Microwave This?” was born. Armed with only a digital camera, a microwave, and the
magic of the Great and Powerful Windows Movie Maker for editing that she didn’t even need, Pinkamena ventured into the unknown territory of Public Access with only 50 bits to her name and a 3DS that she had mysteriously converted into a laptop. The day finally rolled around where Pinkie was ready to shoot the first episode of her show. She had actually managed to convert the main room of the store into a television set with a crowd of ponies sitting down behind a tripod with a digital camera. In the middle of room was the microwave on a table and nearby was a door propped up with a tinfoil shield. Behind one of the doors in the store sat Pinkie Pie, wearing a PewDiePie t-shirt because she was hip like that and loved Sweedish semen brew. (And honestly, who doesn’t love it?) She was sweating up a storm but there was Twilight to catch it all in carefully placed cups.
“Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh!!!” chanted Pinkie over and over again. “I don’t know if I can do this Twily. I mean, who wants to watch a show about microwaves?”
“The same people who want to watch RayWilliamJohsnon?” replied the mildly intelligent equine.
“And if all else fails, flash your tits. The internet loves tits.” said Spike, popping his head out from a cupboard. Dragons love cupboards. Barack Obama has a dragon in HIS cupboard, SO WHERE’S YOURS!?
“But I don’t have any tits, silly!” said Pinkie.
“You say that now.” Snickered Spike, imitating a perfect Mutley laugh before honking his nose, grabbing a cane out of nowhere, and then proceeding to tap dance his way out of the scene to show Rarity what a Dirty Sanchez was. Pinkie poked her head out the door to spot Vinyl Scratch putting the finishing touchs on her DJ table. The two nodded and Vinyl picked up her own mic.
“Fillies, gentlecolts, mares, and whatever the buck Scootaloo is, WELCOME to I Think It’s A Good Idea to Microwave This! Filmed of course in front of a somewhat live semi studio audience. I am your MC of the time whenever you watch this video, the V to the I to the N-Y-L, and ain’t no other pony drop the bass like me, I’M VINYLLICIOUS!!!” (Copyright)
There was an awkward silence before Sweetie Belle started to clap her hooves together quickly. She was then promptly shot in the face close range with airsoft cannon.
“And now, here is your host, that one pony who parties just as much as me, yea I friggin wish, HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE’S PINKIE!!!”
And then for some weird reason, Always Look on the Bright Side of Life played on a little boombox as Twilight trotted in carrying the boombox with her magic. Pinkie Pie bounced in gleefully and she was met with a delayed reaction from everypony.
“Before we start the show, we’d like to remind everypony: DON’T try this at home.” Said the Sparkle pony. “…but knowing you all, you’re going to try anyway. Therefore this warning is null and void.”
“OH WELL!” giggled the pink pony insanely. “Hello and welcome to I Think It’s a Good Idea to Microwave This! I am your host Pinkie Pie—
“--And I’m your sidekick, Twilight Sparkle.” Said Twilight, conveniently pulling out a Sidekick phone (Cuz you know they have phones now.)
“And this is like, our first ever episode on Public Access!” she said, suddenly getting up close to the camera. “HEY MOM, HEY DAD, TOLD YA I’D MAKE IT!”
Meanwhile both Pinkie’s parents suffered fatal heart attacks from years of eating rocks and with the knowledge of knowing their possibly sadistic daughter was getting on television.
“ANYWHOOOOO!” continued Pinkie. “I’m gonna make it simple. You’re gonna watch us microwave stuff and hopefully it WON’T kill you all! But for those sitting in the splash zone, you might wanna get an umbrella. Today we’re gonna be microwaving…Twilight, bring in the box.”
Twilight trotted back into the other room and returned carrying a box of items with her magic.
“We have a bunch of stuff here like glowsticks, a copy of Rollercoaster Tycoon 3 that mysteriously ended up in here, some…microphones. We also have a spray paint can, a crown, and my Smartypants do—SMARTYPANTS!?!?!” It was as if her life flashed before her eyes in a wavy flashback narrated by Morgan Freeman set to Bad Day by Daniel Powter. So many memories…
“Silly Twilight, I had Rarity cast a Plot Convenience spell on it so you can have two of your Smartypantsy!” Twilight’s smile began to curve into an unnatural stretched U. “I still have the original but it has a really big hole between the legs, you know? Big Mac didn’t know how it got there.”
“Big Mac? Why would Bi--………………….oh.”
“Here at the Pinkie Pie Laboratory, safety is our number one concern.” Said Pinkie Pie, gleefully moving away from the subject to the door. “That’s why we hide behind this giant tinfoil shield. It’s to protect our nuts because NO ONE likes roasted nuts.” And to illustrate this, she pulled out a bag of peanuts from seemingly nowhere. Again.
“We also have fans to ventilate the air.” said the brainy pony. “And THIS microwave!”
“HIS NAME IS RAYMUNDO!” yelled Pinkie, suddenly leaping onto the microwave and petting it like an old cat lady pets her wizard sleeve.
“So dare I ask what we’re going to microwave first?” asked Twilight.
“Simple my dear sidekick.” stated the crazy one. “MICROWAVE ALL OF THE THINGS!”
The crowd gasped in shock. But then again, they were too stupid to know how these things worked. Twilight set to work combining the items together. She would break open the microphones and place the glow sticks inside, bringing them back together to create glow in the dark mics. Using the spraypaint, she painted them all pink and broke Rollercoaster Tycoon 3 into pieces, sticking them into the mics. Then, the Smartypants doll wearing a royal crown, hugging one of the little mics was placed in.
“I wonder how long we should put it in for?” asked Twilight again.
“Who the buck cares, you can just edit it out anyway.” remarked Rainbow Dash who had magically put herself into the scene because fuck you, she’s Rainbow Dash. (…and they couldn’t afford security. So sue me.)
“She does have a point.” Said Pinkie. She tapped her hoof to her chin in thought before suddenly jumping up and posing in the air. “IDEAAAAAA!” (Rarity let out a fart in disgust.) “How about…twenty minutes and 12 seconds?”
“Don’t you think that’s a bit much?” asked Twilight.
“Oh-ho-ho Twily…” said Pinkie, putting a hoof around her shoulder. “WHO is in charge of this show again?”
“…you?”
“CORRECT!” The pink pony presented Twilight with a gold star. “And you’re the one that’s gonna be helping me get my cupcake money. SO DON’T BUCK THIS UP FOR ME!”
There was silence for a moment till the three realized they were still live. Wasting no more time, Rainbow Dash put in the time and started up the microwave, zipping behind the door with the other two to watch.
“So…what do we do for the next twenty minutes and twelve seconds?” asked Twilight.
“YA’LL ARE GONNA STOP YER CRAZY SHENAIGANS!” said a voice from the back.
The crowd parted like the Blue Sea and in stepped Applejack, trotting into the scene.
“I don’t know what in the hay ya’ll think you’re doing with this stupid idea but Eqeustria don’t need no stupid Public Access or stupid boxes to guide their lives! Whatever happened to just going outside? Breathing fresh air? Ya’ll should be ashamed of yourself, taking away Big Mac’s doll!”
“Technically he stole it from me…” muttered Twilight.
“IT MATTERS!” yelled the crowd.
“But AJ, it’s just for fun!” said Rainbow Dash, flapping her wings to come out from behind the door. “No one gives a buck about—“
“You really should get behind the tinfoil shield Jackie!” the pink pony said gleefully, interrupting Rainbow Dash. “It’s to protect our nuts because no one wan—“
“I LIKE MY NUTS, THANK YA’LLS VERY MUCH!” yelled the hat of the southern pony because ponies from the south can do that. Plus their cooking rocks, who doesn’t love Popeyes?
Twas an awkward silence but thank Celestia for the hick was silenced as the microwave suddenly set itself aflame, sending sparks out.
“Is it supposed to be doing that!?” yelled Twilight.
Pinkie, who had mysteriously donned a bulletproof vest and a riot protection shield nodded her head.
“Relax!” said Rainbow Dash. “Even if something DOES happen, this place IS insured!”
“And where exactly is your documentation of proof?” asked Twilight.
“BITCH I DON’T NEED NO DOCUMENTS TO BE AWESOME!” screeched the rainbow one, who then simply proceeded to Rock Bottom Twilight through a table. (Rest in pieces.)
AJ had little time to react when the door to the microwave burst open. It was like that one terrifying scene in Brave Little Toaster, the one with the air conditioner that all taught us to yell “holy--"
Everypony in the shop, minus the little ones who thought what they were seeing was cool, had decided to vacate the area. Unfortunately she wasn't given that option once a mic became permanently implanted into the southern pony’s head from the flaming microwave.
“HOLY CRAP, THEY KILLED APPLEJACK!” yelled a random pony who was soon trampled by the escaping ponies.
From the microwave did raise the Smartypants doll, in all of its majestic glory, bathing in the nightstick fluids that had escaped the mics
“FEAR NOT MY CHILDREN!” the doll bellowed in the Royal Canterlot voice. “THY HICK’S DEATH SHALLST NOT BE IN VAIN! HER SOUL WILL BE FOREVER ETERNAL, CURSED TO EAT FRIED CHICKEN AND TAKE LEFT TURNS ALL DAY WITH APPLE CIDER AND CHEAP LIQUOR FOR ALL ETERNITY!”
“That doesn’t sound like much of a curse…” said Twilight.
“I MUST GO!” said the doll. “MY PEOPLE NEED ME, KING SMARTYPANTS THE 4TH! SAVE ME A SANDWICH, FAIR MOTHER. I’L LBE HOME FOR LUNCH! AWAY!”
With that, Smartypants used magic to levitate the dead body of Applejack and began to spin in the air and then vanished with a poof of smoke. There was silence in the room, save for the few ponies that had stuck around to watch what had happened, Pinkie Pie, Twilight, and Rainbow Dash.
“…man this was boring, I’m going to go punch a baby.” Said Twilight, standing up and walking out of Sugarcube Corner with her head raised high.
Rainbow and Pinkie walked on frame by the microwave that was burnt. Pinkie looked around the area before powering on the microwave, the machine beeping to signify it was alive.
“…so.” said the cyan pony turning to the camera, realizing they were still filming. “Is it a good idea to microwave all this stuff?”
“Well considering that all we really did was magically create a new entity in Twilight’s old stuffed doll…well…I THINK IT WAS AWESOME! I mean, if you’re ever looking for new toys to play with and they’re cold, just heat them up!”
To illustrate this, Pinkie picked up one of the mics and flipped it in her hoof.
“Although I don’t think you should put ALL that stuff into them.” said Rainbow Dash. “So! Good idea, bad idea, who the buck cares! BEST! EPISODE! EVAHHH!”
Episode 1 of I Think It’s a Good Idea to Microwave This while failing on Public Access became an instant viral classic on the interwebs. Critics tried to pan the series for it having “no educational or entertaining value to it.” Photo Finish on the other side gave the episode 3 out of 4 skirts for it simply being “inspiring.” AJ lived on in Nascar Heaven, Twilight dragged Spike out from the cupboards later on that evening to whip him like a government mule, Cadence never did find her crown, and Smartypants won the 2013 Elections and became Commander in Chief in Canterlot under the simple premise: “CHOCO WOCKA FLEET FLEET SWAG!”
Don’t ever stay in school kids, just order take out!
FIN
