Chapter Only: Anon Engages In VERY Advanced Diplomatic Tactics
You are Aufpasser Anonymous of The Federation of the Ever Free, and you did not expect to be going out to dinner tonight.
Indeed, When You had gotten word from Princess Luna yesterday that she wished to invite you for a one on one meeting after her night Court Duties had concluded to discuss ‘A personal matter of utmost Importance’, you had immediately suspected shenanigans. But you were still willing to give her the benefit of the doubt and attend, if only ~~to probe for opportunities to meme on her~~ see if you could foster some goodwill between your two nations after the Diary Incident.
You’ve taken care to make sure that your suit is free of lint and nits, and you’ve even made sure to have your hat cleaned and pressed to look extra crisp and official for this meeting. In the spirit of showing there were no hard feelings, at least on your end, you even took the time to stop in Ponyville and procure a small gift for the Princess wrapped up in a box with a ribbon. After all, It’s not every day a princess invites you over. Even when you were living in Ponyville it was like, once a week or so at best.
The train ride to Canterlot was fairly pleasant and uneventful, and you have found yourself greeted as you got off of the train by a small squad of night guards. One of them steps forward, clearing his throat softly.
“-Ahem- Excuse me, Aufpasser Anonymous? We would like you to come with us, please. Princess Luna has requested that we escort you to the castle.”
You smile down at the little gaggle of bat ponies, resisting the urge to chuckle. You can’t help it really. You just find Thestrals to be really cute. The idea of edgy little bat ponies simply amuses you too much not to at least get a smile out of you. You’re positive they are very fluffy and pettable, you just know it!
But speculation about the volume of thestral fur was a topic that could wait for another time. Right now you had a meeting to attend! “Yeah uh, sure thing. Lead the way, fellas.” You say as you gestured at them with one hand, the other still firmly grasping the package you had brought. “Say uh...I’m not in trouble, am I?” You ask, half-joking in tone as the squad of guards starts walking towards the castle in a formation around you.
“Not that we are aware of sir. The Princess simply informed us that you might be coming and asked us to escort you to the castle were you to er….actually show up.”
You smirk softly at that. Fair enough, you tended to be a fairly capricious sort. It’s nice to know that you have her on her toes...hooftips? Whatever, anatomical semantics are secondary to the matter at hand….hoof? Fuck you’re doing it again.
Well, at least you won’t have too much time to be bothered by it. The guards quickly escort you onto the castle grounds and into the building proper. You walk down a series of long regal hallways until you find yourself Outside of a pair of blackwood double doors, decorated with silver moons and stars. The pony who seemed to be the leader amongst them clears his throat softly again, “This is The Princess’ Private Chambers. She should be awaiting you inside. Good luck.” he says somewhat cryptically as he turns and walks off, the rest of his squad save two of them who stay at either side of the door following behind. You raised an eyebrow at this, but after a moment you shrug and simply knocked on the door.
“Come in!~” A...surprisingly friendly familiar voice calls out with an amount of enthusiasm that you can honestly say you would not have normally expected. Naturally, this immediately draws your suspicion. Nevertheless, you have come this far, and far be it from you to let some pastel-colored pony princess make you bitchmade.
You pushed open the door and are greeted by the sight of Princess Luna sat at a table, facing towards you. The table is decorated by two plates, a candle, and a delicate-looking midnight blue tablecloth. The tableware and the candlestick holder were both a fine, well-polished silver. The rest of the room is too dark to be seen in the gentle, warm illumination of the candlelight, though the ceiling seems adorned with slowly moving dots of light that you are sure are meant to portray stars.
You gave a small whistle and slowly saunter into the room, smiling gently at the Diarch. “Huh, nice place you’ve got here, Lu.” You say, not bothered enough to use her proper title in private but at least being respectful enough to refrain from using a moniker that incorporated mention of her ass.
She squints softly, but seems to allow it to pass. It seems you have succeeded in setting the bar low enough to get her to drop her standards a bit, truly a monumental accomplishment. She smiles back at you and beckons you forth with a hoof, the door slowly swinging and latching shut with a dull thud and click as her hoof curls in a come-hither gesture. “Ah, Aufpasser Anonymous, how wonderful of you to decide to join me this evening. If We may be forthright We did have doubts as to whether you would answer my summons, though We are glad to now find them unjustified.…”
You give a small nod, sitting yourself at the opposite end of the small table, looking around and trying to let your eyes adjust to the soft faint lighting. “Heh, yeah, that’s fair. I just thought I’d stop by and see how you were doing. I know the last time we saw each other you weren’t too happy with the whole uhhh…”
She flushes softly and shakes her head in an adamant manner, raising a hoof “O-oh nono, no need to bring that up! It is all in the past now. We of all ponies are well aware of how much it can harm your future to dwell on your past.” She admits amicably as she watches you squint and blink with mild amusement. “So, may We ask what is in the box. Did you perhaps bring Us a gift?” she asks, putting on a slightly surprised tone, as if to playfully mock the idea.
Yes actually.” You say, which makes her do a small double-take before giving you a slightly suspicious look. You place the box on the table and undo the bow in the ribbon keeping it closed, opening it and pulling out…
“An...apple.” She said softly as she looked unamused down at the multicolored fruit sitting in front of her. “How quaint, thank you.” She said with a flat, deadpan voice. “Is this meant to be some sort of Joke? If this is about me calling you a monkey-”
Nah, it’s not just any apple. It’s a Zap Apple.” You explain, chortling a bit at her reaction. “It’s a special variety that only grows in two places, Sweet Apple Acres, On the border of the Ever Free Forest, and in the forest itself.” You say as you take out a knife from your pocket. She seems a bit spooked for a split second before you start to idly cute the fruit into slices on one of her fancy silver plates.. “I thought it would be a good symbolic Gesture for us to share something together that represents unity between our countries.”
She takes pause at this, her eyes widening slightly. “That is...certainly a more thoughtful gesture than I would have expected you capable of, Aufpasser.”
“Please, Anon will do, Luna.” You say as you wipe your knife clean on one of the provided cloth napkins and flip it closed before slipping it back into your pocket. “And I am sure by now you know not to take anything for granted with me.”
“I-Indeed, you are erm….full of surprises, it would seem, Auf...Anon. She says as she looks down at the plate, reaching forward with a hoof. “May I…?”
You smile and nod, reaching down and picking up a slice and holding it between two fingers, offering it to her. “Oh yeah. Here you go.” You say kindly as you look over to her.
She seems to go through a gambit of emotions, angry, then confused, then slightly embarrassed. She moves her hoof towards you again for a moment, then sets it back down before giving you a small nod and leaning forward. And taking the slice between her teeth before leaning back. Looks like she’s landed solidly on embarrassed for some reason. You aren’t sure why, though, you used to hand feed horses all the...oh yeah shit.
“Ah fuck! My bad Luna. Old habits die hard I guess.” You say, genuinely feeling a bit bad about it as you rub at the back of your neck.
She waves you off with a hoof after swallowing the slice and dabbing at her mouth with a napkin “No, it’s fine really. Here, Allow me to return the favor…” She says, giving you a small smirk as her horn lights up and a slice of apple lifts off of the table, gently pressing to your lips. “Go ahead, Anon.” she says. Her voice shifts from flustered to mildly amused as she took some amount of control, an oddly intent look in her eyes as she carries out the gesture.
You allow turnabout to come as fair play, taking the apple slice into your mouth, which seems to please her. You decide to ask her some questions as you chew, enjoying the crisp, poprock like crackling texture of the fruit. “So uh, I'm guessing you had dinner planned?” You guess as you gesture to the plates and the table.
She gives a small nod, followed by a soft sigh. “Indeed We did. We were not expecting you to bring food yourself. Though I suppose that this will suffice if you are content with the arrangement.” She says, looking back down at the plate then back to you with an anticipatory glint in her eyes.
You think for a moment, raising an eyebrow at her expression. Did she want you to...well, no harm in it. You nod and pick up another piece, feeding it to her. She seems pleased by this, even making a small contented nicker that causes her ears to flatten as it reaches them in embarrassment.
You find yourself unable to help but smile a bit wider and chuckle softly at this. Before you can stop it, your hand slides up to gently rub and pet her on top of her snout. Her eyes widen and she stiffens again before slowly melting into the touch for a few moments and finally, reluctantly pulling back. Her face is flushed now, and you can detect a slowly intensifying scent of...concord grape? Does she perhaps have some wine that she’s planning to reveal? Alcohol certainly doesn’t seem like her speed, definitely not during a meeting.
Your thoughts on the matter are cut short as she suddenly begins to speak again. “You know, Anon. I do have to admit. As much as you infuriate me at times, you do have certain qualities which I find...endearing. Admirable even.” She says slowly, seeming to gauge your reaction as she continues. “You are certainly a villainous sort, but you have this...way about you. I could probably call my guards in here right now and have them arrest you for touching me without my permission and you would probably not event an eye.”
“On the contrary, you’d probably fucking piss yourself. But you’ve never been one to correct a women’s positive impression of your character. You nod and shrug. “Yeah. I guess I am kind of a stoic guy, but it’s not a big deal. It’s just sort of how I do things.”
“And that is another thing. You are...fairly humble for someone in your position. Most rulers in your position would have taken the opportunity to do a victory lap at this point with the way you have...stallionhandled the lot of us so handily.” she said, seeming to stop for a moment as she said it, the scent of grapes becoming stronger as she squirmed in her chair and looked down at the now empty plate between the two of you.
“Well, to be fair, I did get you pretty good, and I got everything I wanted out of it. Anything else would just be excessive.” You said with all of the confidence of someone that felt that threatening to publish ancient documents detailing the (lack of) sex lives of two demi goddesses was definitely not going too far. “And you were a good sport about it aside from the whole er...trying to strangle me thing. Now that we’ve established the score, if you leave me and my people alone, I’ll be happy to leave you alone.”
Something about what you said seems to strike some sort of chord with her. “Er, yes... You certainly have...asserted your dominance over us in the situation.” She admitted, giving a small shiver after saying it. “Though I do recall that at least one of your demands has not be...satisfied properly as of yet.”
“Heh, well yeah. I didn’t expect you to actually send me big booty bitches, Luna, that was more just for the meme of having it on the peace treaty.” You cock your head to one side slowly as you soak in her increasingly strange behavior. “Are you uh...you alright, Luna? Did you catch a draft or something, you look a bit cold?”
She sighs again, an annoyed tone creeping into her voice. “The warmth I require cannot be provided by mere material flame, Anonymous. Allow me to cut to the heart of the matter. I will be the mare to satisfy your terms, Anonymous. We desire to know you in the Harmonious sense.” She said, pressing a hoof down firmly on the table and sitting up, attempting to loom over you and failing due to the height difference. “We have called you here to create the conditions for lasting peace between our countries through...intimate diplomacy. We shall know you, and give you our hoof in wedlock to unite our lands, and you shall have your large posterior wench.”
Hold Up.MP3
“Uh……..” You can feel your brain melt slightly from the heat of attempting to process this. Luna apparently wants to fuck you and that will somehow improve international relations between your countries? “Well uh, that’s very sweet and all Luna but I’m uhhh...your butt is kinda small and...I’m gay. Yeah let’s go with that. I'm super gay for Gallus and i’m already too busy stuffing his turkey to-”
“ENOUGH OF THIS FOALISH FOREPLAY!” She suddenly yells in her Royal Cunterlot Voice, slamming both hooves down on the table and pulling the cloth off. The dishes go flying to one side with a dull crash but the candle thankfully lands in an unlit fireplace, which lights a small stack of logs and illuminates the room more properly. “We are tired of plebians mocking the proportions of our flanks! Our flanks are more than adequate! It is not Our fault that We are almost constantly in the presence of our cake quaffing pig of a sister and she makes it look small by comparison. My flanks are full and firm and you could bounce a bit off of them! And you are going to make love to them! We Are the Goddess of the Moon and We shall not be denied!”
Holy shit she’s serious.
As the room is lit more fully, you can see that there is a large, soft-looking bed with a black comforter and innumerable throw pillows, with dark blue rose petals sprinkled about here and there. There is a record player on a nightstand, and the needle drops and begins to play...
Oh No
Your eyes widen in fear as you look back to her to see her slowly crawling atop the table, prowling towards you low to the surface, eyes locked to yours. “I-is that…”
“Just The Two of us by Marevin Gay, yes. I had several songs placed on that record for this evening.~” She says as her face draws closer to yours.
You hear yourself yell “I need an adult!” only to be answered by a ravenous, victorious cry of “I AM an aduuuuuuuult!” Before she pounces, knocking you back to the floor in your chair. She cradles the back of your head with her hoof to prevent it from being smashed on her dark marble floors as she straddles you.
“Hey, that hat was expensi-mhpppph!” You are cut off in your complaints by the feeling of velvety soft lips on your own as a large, flat tongue awkwardly barges its way into your mouth. Your hands go to her flanks to ground yourself and the touch to her cutie marks elicits an ecstatic, triumphant whinny from the equine assailant atop you as she tries to ply her way deeper into your mouth and starts to roll her hips.
Well shit, you guess this is what you’re doing now. You never thought you’d be getting freaky with a magical pastel pony, but then again, you never thought you would be the leader of your own country so there are a lot of big firsts going on for you this year. Well, as you’ve already established, you’ve never let a horse make you bitch made, and you won’t start now!
You give a small grunt of effort as you roll atop the Princess and out of your chair. You pin her firmly by her hips to the floor with your pelvis as she greedily attempts to rut her marehood against you with her legs splayed wide in submission to the feeling of your weight atop her.
You pull from the kiss and pant softly, one hand snaking up to gently wrap around her neck. This gets a loud, high-pitched squeak of surprise out of her before she leans into the touch, looking up at you with depraved, flustered eyes. “Ah! O-oh Faust, YES! Put me under you. Show me my place, Aufpasser!” She demands brattily as she squirms under your grip, her wings flared out wide and stiff.
“Jesus fucking Christ...” You say with mild distaste in your voice that only seems to excite her more. You roll your eyes and slide your other hand under her ass, leaning back and getting to your feet while picking her up off of the ground.
With a single motion, you toss her onto the bed, glaring her down as you start to unbuckle your trousers. “Fine, you crazy bitch, if you want it so bad, I guess it’s only good diplomacy to give it to you.”
All she can muster is a wordless wide-eyed nod as you start to remove your pants. As they drop to the floor, those eyes somehow manage to get even wider, as if she was some sort of fucking cartoon.
That would actually explain a lot, to be honest.
But anyway yes, her eyes are like dinner plates as she takes in the sight of your erect, massive primate phallus. At least a solid foot of thick, veiny goodness that she cannot seem to look away from. “B-by the stars, that is humongous!”
You smirk as you allow it to twitch a few times, swaying it back and forth as you cannot help yourself. “I think you mean...human-gous.”
The room goes dead silent, and you can hear a faint cry of “Booooooo” slither into your ear from nowhere as Luna gives you perhaps the least amused look she has ever seen in her life before looking down at her marehood then back to you. “Nope, still wet, we’re afraid, get over here!”
You give a loud yelp of your own as she pulls you onto the bed with her magic You find yourself atop her, with your shirt, tie and jacket being hastily shucked off of you and tossed to one side with your pants by that same mystical grasp.
You shudder and pin her by her shoulders to the mattress under you, slipping between her legs and forcing her to spread them wider for you as your manhood slides back and forth across her supple, slick folds. You are now quite acutely aware of the source of the grape scent from earlier. As tempted as you are to see if the taste matches, you are far too busy preparing to punch Luna’s ticket for an express trip to Pound Town on the Anon Express.
She sees your thick, pulsing tip slid across her nethers and angles her hips, pushing them up so that on your next pass the head pops into her incredibly slick and apparently incredibly tight slit. You gasp at the feeling of her around your crown and feel a shove to your back, forcing you deep inside of her until your hips press against her own.
She gives a loud, triumphant mewl and her hind legs wrap tightly around you, trapping you inside as her hooves shoot up to wrap around your shoulder, breaking your grip to cling needily to you “A-ahh goodness, oh goodness YES!” She shouts, dipping into her royal voice for just a moment in her passion and nearly blowing out your eardrums. “Rut me Anon, please rut me. I have waited for far too long!”
Your only immediate answer is a soft, primal grunt as you pull back just enough to thrust into her again, ushering a deep, guttural moan from the Princess. Her eyes roll back slightly and her ears flatten to her skull as you start to pump back and forth once her legs loosen.
As the pace of your lovemaking evens out she gains the ability to speak once more and immediately begins using it to demonstrate how fucking down bad she is. “A-ah! Yes! Rut me like a toy, treat me like your little broodmare, Anonymous. Oh Faust yes, rob this delicate flower of her purity and put a foal in me you dirty ruffian…”
The sound of flesh slapping flesh pauses as you hear her request, slowly pulling your shlong out of her quivering clapping pony pussy. “Oh no, I won’t be putting any foals in there. That was just for lubrication.”
She seems very confused by this statement as you pull her hips up higher, angling her properly to position yourself somewhere else. “LUbrication, lubrication for wh-OH DEAR FAUST THAT DOESNT’ GO THERE!”
“It does now!” You exclaim, cackling as her eyes go wide again, this time in sheer shock as she lays there perfectly still under you. Her jaw has dropped at your sheer audacity, and also from what you just shoved inside of her. The record changes over to the next song, and the timing is absolutely kino.
As the confused, aroused cries of the princess fill the air once more, accompanied by the resumed, much louder, more muffled sound of flesh clapping against flesh, you conclude that the booty on this bitch is in fact, adequately big for your purposes.
Several hours later
You are Anonymous, and you have just embraced your inner Gurren Lagann and used your drill to pierce the heavens. A blunt hangs lit in the corner of your mouth and you lay back with your arms behind your head as a very messy maned, shell-shocked Luna lays beside you , her hooves gently wrapped around your neck as she nuzzles up against your chest. “That was...definitely not how I was expecting that to go.”
You turn to look down at her, grinning a bit wider as a hand comes down to gently run through her messy, slightly tangled mane. “Yeah. but that’s par for the course with me, isn’t it? Say us...is it kinda cold in here…?”
You get up slowly, extricating yourself from her grip and walk around until you find the source of the cold. It seems the window of her bedroom has been left open. Huh, guess there really was a draft in here…
You move to close it, when you notice something. Your smile slowly, steadily widens, bordering on maniacal as you look over at Luna. “Hey Moon Pie, you might wanna come take a look at this.”
She groans and slides out f bed, slowly limping towards the window next to you. “Take a look...at...what…”
She looks as if she is about to cry, and for good reason, outside of her open window were several dozen pegasi sitting on a number of clouds nearby. It seemed as if she had been more than loud enough to attract a crowd.
The sudden awkward silence was broken by a sudden cry of “That was legitness.”, which was more than enough to prompt Luna to faint and fall to the floor.
You roll your eyes as you look out on the crow. “Alright, sickos, shows over. Now get out of here before I start charging admission fees.” You say before you close the window and pull the curtains. You don’t even bother to check if they’re leaving and just simply slip Luna back into her bed and get dressed.
As you close the door behind you and slowly stroll off down the hall you begin contemplating if you can find a gift card that says “Sorry I blew your back out in front of twenty people”. Pinkie probably has one of those...
Author's Note
Again, thank you for Yakopak for comissioning me! I hope they and you, the reader, enjoy this literary tour de force.
In case you were all wondering, yes my commissions are open again for the holiday season, at least until around Christmas.
