Total War: Ponyhammer

Chapters

HOW DID HE DO THAT?!!
Prodigy vs Warmaster
AMBUSH!
You Come Here Often?
Ere We Go

HOW DID HE DO THAT?!!

Author's Note

Greetings everyone, and welcome to my experimental short story. Honestly I've had this idea in my head for a little while and I wanted to see if anyone would enjoy it. If enough people do, I'll finish it, if not I'll just let it lie. Either way though, I won't be updating it too often, as I really do want to finish Legion before committing wholly to anything new. Also, a minor disclaimer to any fans of Total War Warhammer one two and three. I am likely going to be taking a liberty or two with how the game actually functions on occasion to make the story work. So if you see something that doesn't quite match up with reality, do what I do: blame Discord (the Draconequus not the online service).

And now, on with the story. . .

HOW DID HE DO THAT?!!

Celestia scrolled lazily over the continental almost-doughnut that was Ulthuan, checking over her armies and defenses. Tyrion, her starting lord, fully leveled and with a lovely army of Swordmasters of Hoeth, Phoenix Guard, Sisters of Avalorn, three Star Dragons and a fire mage. Stood ready on the northern end of the island near the Alter of Khain, ready to meet any threat from the frozen north. While, to the south, currently aiming to see off another feeble attack by the Count Noctilus AI, was Eltharion with an equally destructive army consisting mostly of Shadow Warriors, Silverin Guard, a generous helping of Arcane Phoenixes, and of course, a Loremaster of Hoeth.

She had a few other armies controlled by lesser lords in the east and west, but most of her battles thus far had been won with these two. Alarielle and Teclis had been wiped out early, to the surprise of nopony, and Alith Anar had refused her offers of confederation and been slaughtered by either the skaven or the beastmen, she wasn't sure which. Idly Celestia slouched back on the cushion that she was sitting on, in an excellent impression of a disaffected elven ruler, if they were a female god-pony.

"How wearysome this tedium, has nocreature the guile to even challenge me?" She asked airily.

"Considering you've lost only a single game in the three years we've been playing this, is it any wonder our pool of worthy opponents has dried up? Also auntie, you're doing that thing again where you roleplay without switching off your mic." Came a lighthearted reply. Cadance was currently far to the east, commanding the armies of the Empire. Normally that was Celestia's preferred faction, as she felt they gave the best challenge without being helpless. However Cadence had wanted to try them, and Celestia had wanted to see how the elves played, so they decided to mix things up a bit.

"You assume she is doing it by accident my niece." Replied Luna, as she checked over the army of dryads and forest beasts she was commanding as Drycha. "Given our current dearth of skilled rivals, I suspect it is the only way she has left to enjoy herself."

Celestia sighed as she clicked the hourglass in the bottom right corner of the screen, ending her turn. Passing it to the only online player willing to try his luck against them in the last month, somepony named Warmaster1987. Honestly, he was an abysmal player. Despite playing as no less a powerhouse than Taurox the Brass Bull, he had barely left his starting region since the game began. Celestia did see one of his armies pass down into Lustria, however it was only barely surviving against the lizardmen.

Not only had he not left his starting region yet, but, while he had confederated with every other legendary beastman lord, he had lost Malagor the Dark Omen, Morghur the Shadowgave, and Khazrak One Eye, trying unsuccessfully to take out either, Luna, Cadance, or the Grimgor AI. Frankly, watching it had been so painful that Celestia had not even bothered to to send any heroes his way to scout his progress. Nor had she or any of her fellow princesses felt compelled to take over for the AI against him more than once or twice. Watching his battles told Celestia and the others everything they needed to know, Warmaster was still largely struggling to throw out the dark elves and skaven even after eighty turns. To his credit, he did manage to win all his battles, against the AI anyway, but every victory was on the dark end of pyrrhic. Additionally, his attempts at taking over for the AI had led to him all but handing each of the princesses several key victories.

He had all the hallmarks of a new player, poor army composition, bad unit matchups, and no idea how to effectively target spells or assign items. Not to mention at some point he all together stopped using his various legendary lords, likely out of frustration. For crying out loud, Celestia saw him twice send his starting ghorgon against a unit of goblins instead of the trolls right next to them. Honestly, Celestia really just let him live this long out of a combination of pity, and because he kept Malekith and Hellebron off her flank. She was far more concerned about Luna teleporting into Avalorn and ending the tentative peace between them in a rampage of angry-tree-based destruction. Not to mention her niece was drawing dangerously close to. . .

"Hello. . . what are you up to my little beastman. . ." Celestia hummed into her mic, as Taurox's army came into view, sailing in the direction of Tyrion. She couldn't yet see much of his army composition besides a Brayherd Shaman of the Wild, but then, it largely didn't matter, the Warmaster had proven time and again he didn't know what units to bring, or how to use them effectively even if he did manage to pick the right ones.

"What is it sister?" Asked Luna curiously.

"I think our courageous fourth player is going to try to take me on." Celestia stated with a light chuckle.

"The one with the overoptimistic name?" Asked Luna with an audible grin.

"That's the one." Celestia confirmed. "Poor little thing must be getting desperate."

"Ooh, take it easy on him auntie, he's new, maybe you could try and coach him a little?" Cadance suggested, her tone sympathetic. Celestia sat back on her cushion again, considering the idea. Maybe Cadance was right, she could beat him without humiliating hi-. Celestia's train of thought stopped dead, as a PM appeared at the bottom of her screen.

Warmaster1987: "I'm disappointed, pretty sure the REAL Celestia would have been able to beat me by now. Seriously dude, copying her gamertag is just sad."

Celestia frowned, all consideration of going easy on her opponent disappearing in a flash. Well, that settled it, nopony talked to Celestia, Diarch of Equestria, Ruler of the Sun, Mistress of Light, and Supreme Queen of Strategy Gamers, like that, and got away with it! Lighting her horn she typed out a furious message.

Solinvictus1500: "I'm going to enjoy this far more than I should." The response was swift.

Warmaster1987: "I'm also pretty sure the real Celestia wouldn't use memes older than she is." Celestia stared at the message for a full minute, before feeling her eye twitch. Just who the buck did this second rate excuse for an internet troll think he was?!! Celestia heard Luna absolutely howl with laughter.

"Thou hast most assuredly been 'burned' my sister!" Even Cadance could be heard chuckling. As a vicious, borderline psychotic, smile, appeared on Celestia's face. Forget not going easy, she was going to absolutely destroy this guy!

Solinvictus1500: "I hope after I scrape your army off my hoof you at least have some treasure worth looting."

Warmaster1987: "What? Does the big tough not-at-all-a-princess need some help? How about if I let you equip the Sword of Khain first?" Celestia saw red. While it was well established that IRL Celestia was one of the kindest, sweetest, most gentle ponies you could ever meet. When it came to the gaming world, she was downright infamous for her temper and viciousness. It was said the only thing that exceeded her skill, was the power of her gamer-rages. While she never smashed her equipment or anything like that, she was well known for making matches a living hell for any foe that drew her ire. Relentlessly targeting their every weakness and ceaselessly taunting them until she crushed them underhoof, or they rage quit.

Solinvictus1500: "Overcompensation isn't my style." She declared, as her opponent ended his turn. As Luna and Cadence made their moves, Celestia eyed the red icon hovering over the shrine. Truth be told, she had every intention of taking the overpowered blade. However, her opponent had no need to know that yet. As Luna concluded her turn by moving toward her third forest conquest, Celestia gave a shark-like grin. Time to catch her opponent off guard. First, she began the process of moving all her secondary armies, save Eltharion, toward the north, in preparation for her counter invasion. Next, she sent Tyrion to claim the sword of Khain, before placing him at the edge of the shore.

Warmaster1987: "I thought overcompensation wasn't your style?!" Celestia's reply was beyond smug.

Solinvictus1500: It isn't. But overPOWERED is exactly my style. Still want to try your luck little colt?"

Warmaster1987: "Against a coward like you? It'll be a PLEASURE!" Celestia licked her lips, tasting victory. He was angry, no doubt he'd charge in like an amateur without backup. And even if he had thought to bring in another army, none of the ones he'd used so far had been in any way optimized. She still couldn't see his army build completely, but aside from the Bray Shaman all he looked to have was a Gorebull. "At least he seemed to have belatedly grasped how heroes work.", She thought, as she ended her turn.

"This is getting most entertaining." Luna declared. "I do still feel a bit bad though. He really does not know with whom he throws up with." Celestia, despite herself, snorted with laughter.

"That's 'throw down' aunt Luna." Cadence corrected gently, trying to hold back her own snickers. Luna generally was pretty well adjusted to life in modern Equestria now, but every so often, something slipped through.

"Is that not what I said?" Luna asked, clearly confused. Celestia ignored the ensuing debate in favor of focusing on her soon-to-be victim. As Luna ended her turn, Celestia took a leisurely sip of water from a monogrammed bottle next to her PC rig, as she sent out another PM.

Solinvictus1500: "I'm going to enjoy using my shiny new sword to serve you a lovely slice of humble pie. . . DIRECTLY THROUGH YOUR THROAT!!" She wrote, as she clicked to send her army forward. Only for her jaw to drop, as she saw the foe arrayed against her. . . Taurox's army, was entirely made up of minotaurs and Ghorgons!

Warmaster1987: "Can I just say, it's a true honor to meet you Princess, please forgive me for being so rude. I'm actually a huge fan. . . pity I have to destroy you now." Celestia immediately thought of retreating from the battle, but knew it was too late. The beastman army had been at the very edge of her movement, and she had wasted much of it by marching out to sea. Even if she forced marched, she couldn't escape! With her mind reeling, she hit the play battle button. All wasn't completely lost, she still had a chance. She just needed to use her sisters of avalorn to cut down his minotaurs and then finish them with her phoenix guard and swordmasters, and Tyrion equipped with the sword of Khain should be able to take on Taurox. . . right? Celestia scrolled over to look at Taurox's stats and equipment while the game loaded, and felt her heart sink. As if the fact she was using an all-comers army against one that required dedicated anti-large wasn't bad enough, Taurox's stats and item list showed he had been turned into a one minotaur army. Celestia chewed her lower lip as she ran the numbers in her head, and came to the inevitable conclusion. Win or lose, this was going to be bloody. . .

Tyrion: Heir of Anarion, sat astride his steed Malhandir. The whispers of the Sword of Khain, gripped tightly in his fist, echoing in his mind as he surveyed the oncoming army. Deploying second, he had hoped to form a solid defense for the Sisters of Avalorn to fall back to with his phoenix guard and Swordmasters. Arraigning the four units he had of each into two lines each two units abreast, the Phoenix Guards in front and Swordmasters behind them, he created a loose wedge as far back from the front of his starting position as possible. In front of that, the seven units of sisters were placed in a series of further wedges. Far enough away from one another to not all be caught together easily, but close enough to focus fire. And above and in front of each of the wedges, was a single Star Dragon.

Tyrion himself was inside the space between the two lines of Swordmasters and Phoenix Guard. While the lone fire mage supported the sisters from within one of the series of wedges. In theory, the dragons would slow the charge of the minotaurs long enough for the sisters and mage to whittle them down. Once the dragons were dead, Tyrion, the Phoenix Guard, and the Swordmasters would engage the minotaurs in a counter charge as the sisters withdrew to secondary firing positions. Hopefully, and with a considerable degree of luck, by the time Tyrion and his warriors arrived the minotaurs and ghorgons would be weakened enough to destroy.

That was in theory, in practice, the minotaurs had been deployed well, and were more than fast enough to catch the sisters if they didn't time their retreat perfectly. Three blocks had been formed, two with two columns of each unit, and one with one. Far enough apart not to get caught all together by spells and arrows, but close enough to quickly support each other. Each with shielded minotaurs in front, anti-large great weapons behind, and infantry destroying double axes behind that. All three were backed up by a Ghorgon far to their rear, and Tyrion counted his blessings that at least those couldn't vanguard deploy. The Bray Shaman stood ready to support one double columned group from the rear, and the Gorebull was ready to race to the aid of the other. But of Taurox, there was no sign. Tyrion had to assume that the terrible Brass Bull, was hidden in one of the small patches of trees dotting the battlefield.

All of the enemy, save the Ghorgons and heroes, had been vanguard deployed, and several of the minotaurs had been boosted further with Banners of Madness or Ghorok. The three blocks were all pointed squarely at where Tyrion stood, all from slightly different angles. Even with the dragons help, the Sisters of Avalorn likely wouldn't get more than a volley or two off before they were forced to flee. The dragons breath would help, but only so much. And if encircled, the sisters would be slaughtered. It was a poor position, but Tyrion had no choice. As the horns sounded, proclaiming the beginning of battle, all he could do was pray to the bloody handed god that he would prevail.

At the horn, the minotaurs surged forward, bellowing and roaring in their barbaric tongue. The sisters braced as they drew back magical bowstrings, and the Star Dragons inhaled. The ground shook as the monstrous hoard ate up the distance at an alarming speed. Eyes glowing with wrath, and mouths drooling with anticipation, as they came within range.

"LOOSE!!" Starswirl: fire mage of the white tower, screamed.

Arrows forged of pure magic flew through the air, guided by well trained hands and eyes, to punch wetly through matted filthy hides. Roars of pain sounded, as fur and flesh were scorched by purest mystical flame, yet still the hoard came. From on high, dragons let out roars that shook air and earth, as gouts of magical flame spewed from their mouths, melting weapons, charring horns to ash, and scouring skin and muscle from chaos tainted bone. Yet still, they came.

The dragons, having exhausted their breath for the moment, flew down to engage each column. Starswirl chanted ancient words, the winds of magic singing in his soul as, with a gesture, he sent a rain of white hot flame and death pelting down on the heads of the attackers. The front line of minotaurs buckled, their shields of no avail in the face of draconic claws and unrelenting magic. Then, the dragons began to die.

From behind the shield bearing minotaurs, came ones wielding axes big enough to hack down a full grown oak in a single swing. Powered by pure murderous muscle, the axes cleaved through scales to bite deep into bone. Behind one block of brutish bovine soldiers, the bray shaman summoned a Cygor, that promptly began hurling boulders at Tyrion's secondary line, crushing Phoenix Guard into pulp amid sprays of blood. In another block, the Gorebull named 'Octavia's Chosen' put its fist through a Star Dragon's eye while whipping its fellow minotaurs into a frenzy of murder. In the last, the dragon roared in agony as a Ghorgon tore free one of its legs while simultaneously biting a hunk of bloodied flesh from its neck.

Through it all the sisters fired as fast as they could, killing every minotaur they were able to as their dragon allies paid for every second with blood. Yet soon, all too soon, the dragons fell or were driven off, and the sisters made vulnerable. Damage had been done, but not enough, as two of the blocks of minotaurs had sent their duel axe members around the dragons to pursue the sisters early. It had worked, already the sisters were in disarray. those that could flee, retreated to secondary firing positions, while their comrades died screaming. Tyrion began to move up his melee force, then, finally, with a roar like a volcanic eruption, Taurox took to the field.

Unnoticed till now, Taurox had gone from cover to cover, and now was charging straight at Tyrion's position. Tyrion's original plan to ride to the sister's aid, was swiftly thrown out the window. Now, he could only prepare to clash with one of the most favored of the Dark God's servants. He would not be cowed -no pun intended- he would slay this monster in the name of Ulthuan! As the titanic metallic bull came on, he roared a challenge in a mangled approximation of elvish.

"TUAROX STRONGEST ONE THERE IS!!" His voice shook the ground as much as his hooves. As, just before he collided with the braced halberds of the Phoenix Guard, his skin blazed with an aura of unholy power, a red and black shimmering energy covering his entire body. The enchanted halberds of the Phoenix Guard, that had slain man, beast, and daemon alike, shattered against the rune scarred hide of the monstrous Taurox. Elven bodies were hurled aside, their armor sundered and their bones in splinters. His axes a whirling tornado around him, Taurox cleaved elves in two amid clouds of blood and gore. "TAUROX SMASH PUNY ELVES!!" He roared, as with a stomp, he turned a screaming elf at his feet into a blood filled crater. Yet, as the Phoenix Guard rallied, they slowed the monster's advance, holding him amid a circle of shining steel. Yet Taurox, only smiled.

"NO! GET BACK FROM HIM!!" Tyrion cried, but the order came too late. A bloody red mist swiftly took shape around Taurox, transforming a second later into a swirling aura of red flame, before exploding outward. Those closest to the blast were erased from existence instantly, while those further back were sent hurtling away with bone breaking force. Taking advantage of the opening, Taurox hurled himself through the gap, to crash mercilessly into the Swordmasters of Hoeth. Elven skill and blades no avail against his power, as he trampled the proud warriors into unrecognizable puddles of mangled flesh and flattened armor. Tyrion meanwhile, had reached the end of his tolerance with this beast.

"FOR ANARION!! FOR ULTHUAN!!" Spurring Malhandir forward, Tyrion hurled himself at his foe. In his hand, the sword of Khain screamed in anticipation of the coming feast of blood and souls. Swinging his borrowed weapon with both hands, Tyrion slashed several lines of bright crimson across the chest of his gigantic foe. The metallic flesh parting easily before the Widowmaker's divine might. "BRASS SKIN IS NO PROTECTION AGAINST THE SWORD OF A GOD!!" Tyrion roared, as he wound up for another swing, only to be sent hurling off his mount and into the dirt by a backhand strike from a titanic axe head.

"PUNY GOD!!" Taurox declared with a savage laugh. As he stomped toward Tyrion, Taurox swept aside a trio of Swordmasters. Impaling one on the end of his axe, he casually bit off the screaming warrior's head. Chewing both helmet and skull for a few moments before swallowing, and hurling the rest of the corpse at Tyrion. Who dodged just in time, as he rolled to his feet, sword in a guard position. Taurox, just laughed.

"WHAT HAVE YOU TO SMILE ABOUT BEAST?!! YOU ARE SURROUNDED! OUTNUMBERED! YOU WILL FALL HERE!" Tyrion snarled, struggling to stop his head from spinning. Tuarox's reply was almost drowned out, by the rumble of hundreds of cloven hooves.

"TAUROX BROTHERS ARRIVE! SPARKLE GIRLS ALL DEAD! AND TAUROX. . ." Here Taurox paused to take a potion from his belt, drinking it all in a single mouthful. "JUST FOUND SECOND WIND!!" He laughed, as the wounds across his chest began to rapidly heal. Tyrion stared in disbelief, as Taurox rolled his shoulders with a sound like trees snapping, before beckoning Tyrion with one massive finger. "TAUROX THANKS PUNY ELF FOR BRINGING HIM HIS SWORD!! NOW WE FINISH THIS!!" Tyrion's scream of frustration was barely audible, as the substantial remains of the three blocks of Taurox's soldiers, slammed into the remnants of his army from all sides. . .

"FOAL OF A MONKEY BUCKING WHORES!!"

Celestia, Princess of the Sun, Diarch of Equestria, Archmage of the Tenth Circle, and proper lady by the measure of every member of her court, swore like a sailor. As the battle ended in a victory for the beastmen, and a near total route for Celestia's best army.

"Sister. . ." Luna began, her tone of disbelief. "did thou just. . . lose?!!" Celestia just let out a groan of frustration.

"Auntie, you never lose, not at this game, or. . . any game of strategy! Only Twilight is even able to honestly compete with you. And in addition to being a genius, you trained her!!" Celestia would have shot Cadence the dirtiest look history has ever seen, had she been able. Along with more than a few vastly inappropriate hoof gestures. As it was, she settled for growling into her mic as she ended her turn.

"Is there a point to this commentary? My dear niece. . ." Celestia asked, a little too sweetly.

"I am sending your noble opponent a Dispony invite!" Luna declared happily. Instantly Celestia did a double take.

"What?! NO!! LUNA DON'T YOU DAR-."

"Hello?" Instantly Celestia felt the words freeze in her throat as the words were heard over her headphones. The voice was definitely a stallion, sounding deep but gentle, Celestia estimated his age around late twenties.

"Greetings noble opponent! Name thyself that the slayer of our sister shall be known!" The voice on the other end paused at this.

"I. . . uh. . . wait what?! Oh goddess! I didn't hurt Celestia somehow did I?! I swear I only trash talked her to bait her into fighting me with the sword of Khain!" At that Cadance giggled.

"Rest assured, the only thing you hurt was my dear aunt's pride. So, whom might you be my good stallion?" The voice let out a sigh of relief.

"Oh thank goodness, if I gave thee Princess Celestia an aneurysm or something, I'd never forgive myself. My name is Jack. Wow. . . I can't believe I really just beat the queen of games, I was positive I-."

"BEAT ME?!!" Celestia roared. "Don't get cocky foal! You won one battle! I won't even break a sweat destroying-."

"Uh, sister?" Luna interrupted.

"Luna! I am in the middle of correcting my thoroughly full of himself opponent and I-."

"Did thou not see what he hath moved into position?" Celestia's eyes shot back to the screen. To see no less than five more ships not far behind Taurox's. Celestia's jaw dropped.

"A doombull, a great bray shaman of the wild, and Malagor? Mhorgur?! KHAZRAK?!! WHAT THE. . . oh bucking Tartarus! You let Cadance and Luna kill them on purpose didn't you?! You were massing your forces to attack me this whole time! Remaking your armies out of sight and gearing up for this invasion!" Jack chuckled.

"And at the same time leading you all to believe I was an inexperienced amateur. It wasn't easy rigging all those matches to be pyrrhic victories against the AI, but I knew if I wanted to take out someone as good as you, I'd need overwhelming force and surprise on my side. So I tricked you into thinking I had no skill, then I carefully farmed the factions around me for resources without destroying them to get the Dread and Favor I needed. I quietly built up all of my lords skills and stayed out of your way until I was ready to take you all on. I knew Celestia would gun for me if I showed my true ability, and only if she was gone would I have even a chance against Luna and Cadance, so I tailored my strategy to that from the beginning. Again, sorry for acting like an arrogant big shot, but I knew with your skill it was the only way I could get you to attack rashly." For a time, all three princesses were silent.

"Jack, was it?" Celestia asked, suddenly sounding far calmer.

"Uh. . . yes, your majesty?" He replied, sounding slightly nervous. Celestia could feel the smile pulling at the corners of her mouth.

"How would you like to play with us again?" Jack's voice had a slightly nervous lilt to it as he replied.

"I uh. . . I'd be honored. What would I have to do?" He asked. Celestia's grin was clearly audible.

"Take half of Ulthuan or more, and you'll get to play with us again. Take three quarters, and I'll make you permanent fixture in our games." Jack gulped.

"And. . . what if I push you from the game?" Celestia's voice became almost seductive.

"If you can manage that. . . then I just found our new streaming partner. So. . . what do you say?" Jack swallowed again, but his voice became determined.

"I say: Ulthuan, is mine. . ."

Prodigy vs Warmaster

"Are you sure about this girls?" Twilight Sparkle asked, as she stared at the four other princesses on her computer screen.

"We are Twilight, we think he'll be a fine addition to the Chaosmares." Cadance replied. "Besides, he did manage to push Celestia out of the game altogether, and our big mega-game against team PowerLight is right around the corner. Last time, they came way too close to beating us, and they just announced getting a fifth team member." Twilight had to chew on that for a second. Team 'PowerLight' as their rival streaming group was called, consisted of Starlight Glimmer, Trixie Lulumoon, Sunburst, Maud Pie, and more recently, and seemingly from out of nowhere, Vinyl Scratch, or DJPON3 if you preferred her DJ handle. Twilight had to admit, while she didn't hate Trixie anymore, the thought of her crowing if team PowerLight ever won, sent a chill down her spine.

"Still, are you sure? I mean, not to diminish his accomplishment, but he won with Taurox, anypony can do that, he's a total powerhouse. What if he's not able to play as any other race?" She asked. Luna nodded slowly.

"Our sister in battle makes a good point. Perhaps he is only good if he has brute force on his side?" Celestia simply sighed in response.

"Well, what do you propose? I did make him a promise, I can't exactly take it back." Twilight tapped her chin thoughtfully with a hoof.

"Why don't you let me take a crack at him? I'll challenge him to a game where we each pick our opponent's Lords. I'll tell him all he has to do is impress me, not win. If he can prove to me that he's adaptable and clever, then I'll let him play with us professionally right off the bat. If not, then I'll train him, and when he's ready we'll bring him onboard. That's fair right?" Celestia nodded.

"I think that would be an excellent compromise Twilight. What Lord are you going to have him play?" Twilight smirked.

"I think I have just the challenge in mind. . ."

Jack, AKA Warmaster1987, was panicking. He had just got a message from Princesss freaking Celestia! Even now he still couldn't believe it. One of the most powerful, beautiful, incredible, women, or rather mares, in two worlds, was now in his friends list on Steam and Dispony, along with her sister and niece, two of the other most powerful most beautiful mares in two worlds. Frankly, when he had gone to bed two nights ago, exhausted after spending five brutally hard fought hours driving Celestia from their game, he had all but convinced himself it was a hallucination brought on by sleep deprivation. This afternoon however, she had contacted him, with a challenge from none other than Twilight motherfucking Sparkle!

Twilight Sparkle was, in Jack's humble opinion, the most perfect creature to ever walk on four hooves or two feet. Not only was she a princess and a top tier gamer, but she was also a genius, a philanthropist, and the princess most directly responsible for creating the greatest age of peace and prosperity earth and the human race had ever known. Ever since unification, Twilight had worked to broker peace between formerly warring human governments, helped create the magi-fusion generators that gave free power for all, introduced magical farming techniques that ended world hunger! Heck, she was the one who eventually brought eighty percent of the countries on earth into the Equestrian fold, under combined human and pony rule! Only China, Russia, and Jack's country, the USA, were still holding out, and honestly, it was looking more and more like the United States would soon give in to public demand, and sign on.

Put simply, Twilight Sparkle was Jack's idol. And she had just challenged him to impress her at her favorite game! If there was anything more terrifying in this world, Jack didn't know what it was. He had spent most of the day pacing around his apartment in a cold sweat, thinking about what could go wrong. Obviously he was a huge fan, heck, half the posters in his room were of Twilight or one of the other princesses. What if he asked too many questions? Or gave the wrong compliment and came off as creepy? Or what if he got tongue tied and came off as rude? Or what if. . . Jack's train of thought cut off as he caught a look at himself in a mirror. What if she asked to see his face?

Jack shook his head, that might actually be a deal breaker, even if he somehow did manage to impress Twilight. Streamers were generally expected to show their faces. Granted it wasn't required but it was usually the norm these days. Twilight and the other princesses always streamed that way, what if they asked the same of him?! Jack hadn't shown his face to another living person in well. . . years. He had his food delivered, he worked from home, and even only exercised in his apartment, or in the dead of night. On the rare occasions he did go out during the day, he wore a mask and hoodie no matter the weather. If asked to show his face to the entire internet. . . Jack didn't think he could do it.

Turning on his computer and logging into Dispony, Discord having changed it's name not long after unification, due to it being copyrighted by somecreature you definitely didn't want to mess with. Jack fitted his headphones on his head and glanced nervously at the clock as the appointed hour approached. It didn't take long for an invite to come through, at the exact stroke of the designated time. Jack swallowed involuntarily as he accepted, and a voice that he'd only ever heard from recordings, and in a few of his dreams, addressed him directly.

"Hello? Can you hear me?" Jack, struggling to get hold of his nerves, replied with a squeak to his voice.

"Hi!" Slapping his hand to his forehead, Jack cursed how lame he sounded, before clearing his throat and trying again. "I mean, yes! Hi! You're P-Princess Twilight Sparkle, right?" Twilight gave a slight giggle.

"Yup, that's me, but you can just call me Twilight." She said happily. "You must be Jack. I heard a lot about you from the other Chaosmares. Impressive work beating Celestia by the way." Jack felt his cheeks flush, dammit, why did he have to be such a pathetic fanboy?! All Twilight did was introduce herself and he was already feeling faint.

"I uh. . . well it really wasn't easy. I just knew Celestia's tactics and personality well enough to know I could trick her if I played carefully. I doubt it's something I'll ever be able to do twice, she's got my number now." Twilight sounded like she was smiling as she replied.

"Oh? I take it you're a Chaosmares fan then?" Jack felt his brain seize up.

"I uh-! That is-! . . . Yeah. . . kinda?" Twilight giggled again at his response.

"So who's your favorite?" She asked playfully. Jack blurted out his answer faster than he could stop himself.

"You are." He stated simply, before starting to panic an instant later. Twilight was quiet for a moment, that to Jack seemed to last for hours.

"Me? That's a surprise. I'm typically the least visible, what with all my work on Earth and in Equestria. Most ponies tend to like Celestia or Luna. Even Cadance has more fans than I do, and she's usually on even less than I am, what with being a mom on top of everything else. Why am I your favorite?" Jack knew he should keep his mouth shut, but he'd never been good at lying or misdirecting when it came to a direct question.

"Because you're amazing!" He declared. "You helped broker the Earth Equestria Alliance treaty that eventually turned most of earth into an Equestrian province! You invented most of the machines and spells that turned earth into a paradise! You're the hero who made wars, famine, and disease all but a thing of the past! You're kind and brilliant, and just. . . incredible!" A long silence filled the air, before Jack let out a groan. "Oh Celestia, I'm sorry Twilight! Ugh! That must have sounded so creepy! Look can we just forget me putting my hoof in my mouth and start over?" Unknown to Jack, on the other side of the line, Twilight was blushing up a storm.

This obviously wasn't the first time a fan had gushed about her to her face, but usually it was about her streaming and gaming, or just because she was royalty. Hardly anypony ever mentioned her actual work, and even when they did, it was mostly in passing. More to the point, despite what Jack seemed to think, he didn't sound at all creepy, just sincere, with a genuine tone of gratitude. He didn't sound like the typical obsessed fanpony, though there was clearly a bit of that in there, he sounded more like a true admirer of her work and accomplishments.

"N-no no! You're fine! I just. . . most fans don't seem all that interested in my real work." Twilight heard Jack let out a scoff.

"Their loss then. Don't get me wrong, I love the Chaosmares streams, but I mostly got into it because of how much I admire everything you did for Earth and humanity. We were in a bad way before all of you showed up. Honestly, you likely saved us from self annihilation." At that Twilight did a double take, even as her blush flared slightly.

"Wait, you're a human?" Twilight asked curiously.

"Yep, Earth born and raised. United States specifically. Sorry I didn't mention it before, but nopony asked and I. . . kinda had other things on my mind the other night." Twilight let out a giggle.

"I can imagine, Celestia is the number one player for a reason. By the way, you seem to have an excellent grasp of Equestrian vernacular. Have you ever visited Equestria?" Jack chuckled, though it was tinged with a faint degree of regret.

"No, just a hopeless fanboy. I don't travel much anymore." Twilight gave a smile, as she replied.

"Well, if you do end up as the fifth Chaosmare, we'll have to bring you through the gate sometime." Jack gave an involuntary start, that fortunately, Twilight couldn't see.

"Well, I'm not quite there yet." He stated with a nervous chuckle, before clearing his throat and putting on a faintly aristocratic accent. "Anyway your highness, shall we do battle?" He asked as they both logged onto the game.

"We shall indeed my good stallion." She replied, flawlessly emulating a Canterlot accent. "Now then, about your starting Lord. . ."

Jack had to admit, Twilight really knew how to test a guy. Count Noctilus was not an easy starting Lord, especially not in a Mortal Empires campaign. While the vampire coast could be very powerful, they were extremely finicky, requiring a great deal of overworld micromanagement to play well, and Noctilus especially had a hard time early game. Jack had managed though, mostly via the tactic of very carefully picking his battles, and strategically allying with any faction that could distract his more powerful enemies while he built himself up.

Moving swiftly, he seized a few minor settlements along the Lustrian coast before assaulting Teclis. Managing to take control of his stronghold and remove him from the game, Jack carefully spread out. Taking the territory of several minor skaven clans and indirectly supporting the efforts of Skrolk and Luther Harkon against the lizard men. He had a few lucky breaks and managed to get a second army up and running at the Maelstrom, and turned back a few tentative attempts at invasion by the high elves. By turn one hundred, he was preparing to seize what remained of Lustria and then turn his attention to making sure his defenses were strong enough that Ulthuan wouldn't be a problem. Having established several more armies of varying power, and set up a reasonably strong economy. However, he always kept in his head that Twilight was watching him, and more importantly, preparing an invasion against him across the sea. An invasion he fully intended to halt before it even began. . .

Twilight smiled as the battle against Numas concluded with her taking their final territory. With this victory she had finished acquiring near total control of the desert's of Nehekara from east to west, and a good chunk of the wastelands to the north. She had been mildly surprised when Jack had selected Settra the Imperishable as her starting lord. The Tomb Kings were a slow burn defensive faction, and demanded careful consideration for their every move, but that was why Twilight enjoyed them, they were a challenge. In battle, Settra's army was based largely around chariots and cycle charging. And Twilight dearly loved seeing the results of a perfect chariot charge right into an enemy's unprotected flank or back.

That said, the Tomb Kings in general required overwhelming numbers to function effectively early game, due to their starting unit's low power. Fortunately, owing to their units lack of upkeep or recruitment cost, multiple lords could swiftly be acquired and equipped with weak, but numerous, undead soldiers. Twilight already had four armies, but only Settra's was particularly powerful. Though, now that she was a bit more established, she was swiftly gearing up her other armies to offer proper battle. Normally after securing Settra's starting area and subjugating the surrounding Tomb King, Lizardmen, and Brettonian factions, she would turn her gaze north, seeking to destroy the Grimgore AI as swiftly as possible, lest his power turn into an unstoppable green tide of orks. However, this time, she had other priorities, and had signed a non-aggression pact with Grimgore some time ago.

Thus insulated from attack from the north, and firmly in control of everything to the south, west, and up to the mountains in the east, she began readying herself to invade Jack's territory across the sea. While she would take a bit of attrition damage, she was well equipped to replenish her troops, even in the hostile jungles of Lustria. Besides, as Twilight explained beforehoof, the condition for winning was simply to see which of them could kill the other's starting Lord first. Their war was effectively one big sudden death elimination match.

Jack had already begun testing Twilight's defenses by setting up pirate coves in several of her coastal cities. But Twilight had expected this, and had a few Tomb Princes patrolling the coast for any unwary Fleet Captains skulking around. She had already managed to assassinate one or two. Unfortunately, there was nothing Twilight could do about the coves that had already been established, short of deliberately reducing the settlements to ruins and then resettling them, which was most definitely not worth the trouble.

Twilight had also sent a Necrotect to evaluate Jack's progress, and was pleased to find he was doing quite well. Apparently he was well versed in asymmetrical warfare, and his strategies in fighting the AI, and her, on the occasions she took control, were exceptional. She also noticed something interesting about Jack's strategies. He was one of those rare players who fought with an eye not toward the current battle, but the next one. Preferring to minimize risk whenever possible, and avoid gambling if he didn't have to. In this way, his armies were rarely depleted, except when he chose to sacrifice a portion of his soldiers in service of a greater overall strategic goal. She did notice however, that Jack, much like Twilight herself, had a nasty habit of becoming hesitant when conditions were less than perfect. Causing him to occasionally miss opportunities that another player would have exploited, or opening himself up to attacks a less cautious general could have countered. However, that was a minor concern for the moment. Besides, what truly impressed Twilight more than anything, was that Jack won every battle without resorting to cheap exploits or doomstacks.

The Chaosmares had always played with a sort of 'gentlemares agreement' never to use game breaking exploits unless their enemies did so first. After all, what was the point of playing the game in a way that guaranteed victory? However, Twilight had never specifically forbid Jack from using such tactics, it seemed that he just preferred not to. And while one could argue he technically used a minotaur doomstack against Celestia, that was hardly out of bounds, given that the minotaur army was varied among different types, and that was the way Taurox was supposed to be played. Last Twilight had seen, Jack's primary army, not counting embedded heroes, was a mix of Depth Guard, Syreens, Deck Gunners, Necrofex Colossi, and a Queen Bess. It was a potent army, but undeniably balanced, and he managed it well.

And while most of Jack's efforts had been focused on taking control of Lustria, he had at least two armies causing havoc in Bretonnia. What those armies were doing up there, Twilight wasn't entirely sure. However, they had won several key victories over the various Bretonnian factions, and even wiped out Couronne and Bordeleaux. Using armies geared toward anti-large and with plenty of rotting prometheans. However, since then, they had been oddly quiet. Come to that, she hadn't seen Noctilus in a few turns now, not since a Mournghoul Haunter had slain her Necrotect. . .

"So. . . think you're ready to go hand to hoof with your favorite princess yet?" Twilight gently teased. Jack just chuckled.

"Now now, you of all ponies should know that true devastation takes time." He replied. "What about you? Ready to cross blades with the most infamous pirate in all the old world?" Twilight smirked as she answered.

"Nearly. . . just need to finish carving the cartouches and embalming the new recruits." She stated calmly. Jack let out a soft laugh.

"Fair enough. . ." He replied. For several more turns the pair played in companionable silence, then suddenly, Jack spoke up. "Say Twilight?"

"Mhmm?" Twilight answered, trying to decide if she wanted more Tomb Guards or more Sepulchral Stalkers in one of her support armies.

"If I actually manage to impress you here, and assuming you think I'm ready to stream with you girls. . . would it be a problem if I didn't use a face cam?" Twilight unconsciously arched her eyebrow at that.

"Well, I guess not. Mind if I ask why though?" Jack went quiet at that, before suddenly letting out a sigh.

"How much do you know about the United States before the first gate opened?" Twilight replaced a few units of Skeleton Warriors with Nehekeran Warriors as she replied.

"I remember reading that there was a lot of political turmoil, and it nearly became a civil war. Half the country wanted to tear down the government, and the other half wanted it to stay. Honestly, there's surprisingly little information on the US before the first Equestrian portal opened." Jack let out another sigh.

"Yeah well, frankly it's a time most of us would rather forget. Look, to make an incredibly long story short, I got caught up in the fighting and. . . well I ended up in the hospital. My face was messed up pretty bad, to the point I really don't like showing it if I can avoid it."

"Oh. . ." Twilight replied in surprise. "Well, I'll bring it up with the other Chaosmares, but I doubt it'll be a problem." Jack let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding.

"Thanks Twilight, I know it might sound a little vain but. . . well just, thanks." Twilight smiled as she replied.

"No problem Jack. Now, shall we continue?" She asked cheerfully. Jack chuckled.

"Definitely, I think I'm about ready to begin my offensive." Twilight blinked at that.

"Wait. . . offensive? Noctilus was nowhere close to me last time I saw him. He couldn't have covered that distance in just a few turns." There was a smile in Jack's voice as he replied.

"He can when properly upgraded to maximize movement. . ." Jack stated with an audible smirk. "Incidentally, did you happen to send any heroes up to Brettonia to scout?" Instantly Twilight let out a laugh.

"Well I knew you were fighting in that area, but I was a bit preoccupied with securing my kingdom to learn the specifics. Why? What were you doing up there?" Twilight asked.

"Well, I did always want a mansion in dark fantasy France. But I figured some time in the desert would be fun, so I sent a few armies south to see if a place was available." Jack replied with a chuckle. Twilight let out a laugh at that.

"You sure are confidant to give up your strategy before you're even in range to attack." She commented.

"Well, a true gentlecolt such as myself, would never dream of attacking a lady without properly announcing himself first." Twilight just grinned.

"Then 'I', as a true lady, shall be ready to receive you." Twilight declared, once more using her imitation Canterlot accent. Several more turns passed as Twilight repositioned her armies to the northern coast of Nehekara. And soon enough, a pair of ships, bearing Noctilus's colors appeared in the Tilean Sea. However, as Twilight scrolled her cursor over the ships, she frowned. "Wait. . . where is Noctilus?" She asked aloud.

"Hmm? Oh, he and his invasion force should be making landfall on the western coast of your kingdom in just under one turn. They'll be entering the Bay of Corsairs in just a moment." Twilight did a double take.

"Hold on, you said he was in the north?!" Jack's tone was chiding as he replied.

"Actually. . . technically, I never said that, I just said he could cover a large distance in only a few turns if properly upgraded, and that I wanted a house in Brettonia." Twilight felt her eye twitch slightly.

"I respect your cunning, but I also hate you for it." She deadpanned. realizing that she was about to lose several pieces of extremely valuable real estate. All because she got too comfortable and let her guard down. Briefly, Twilight considered that the Chaosmares may have become just a tad too used to easy victories of late. Making a mental note to talk to her teammates about it later, as Jack just chuckled.

"Would it help if I said those two ships in the north are trash armies? Just a stack of nineteen Deckhand Mobs each." Twilight felt her eyes widen.

"Did you just trick me into facing off against the wrong armies?! While simultaneously claiming to be a gentlecolt!" Jack's response was just a hair smug.

"Did I?" He asked calmly. Twilight grinned.

"You sir, are a scoundrel, a deceiver, and an evil mastermind. . . and I can't wait for you to help us crush team PowerLight!" Jack let out a laugh, as Twilight's tone became sly. "But don't think I'm going down without a fight! SETTRA YIELDS TO NOPONY!!" She cried out, in a reasonable approximation of a female Settra. Jack just grinned, as Noctilus and his two support fleets sailed toward the coast.

"Then it's a good thing that I. . . am no pony."

Jack had not lied, the two armies bearing down on her from Tilea were in fact, just stacks of deckhand mobs. Unfortunately, as she was repositioning herself to face Noctilus, she discovered the real reason he was so brazen in telling her about it. As the two armies that Jack had sent to humble Brettonia, came out of hiding in the Southern Badlands. Twilight was really impressed now. Jack had 'twice', tricked her into maneuvering her forces to reinforce the wrong areas. Giving him free shots at several critical minor and major settlements. She was already training up two more armies out of sight of him, but they wouldn't be ready in time to stop most of the devastation. The best she could do was activate the Incantation of Khasar, and prepare for the fight of Settra's un-life.

What had followed, was a savage series of settlement battles that, while they eventually succeeded in defeating the flanking invasion, also destroyed the settlements in the ash river province and most of the shifting sands province. This, coupled with the loss of the entire Bay of Assassins and the elimination of her patrolling Tomb Princes, had Twilight gunning straight for Noctilus's last known location with a vengeance. She had been surprised by an ambush that destroyed one of her support armies, and no sooner had she slaughtered the ambushers, than her second support army was attacked by another enemy force lying hidden nearby. While Twilight did manage to put that one down too, it mauled her second support army badly enough as to put it below combat effectiveness. When it was all over, only Settra and Noctilis remained, their armies advancing toward each other across the desert. . .

The desert heat beat down upon Settra's bandaged skull as his soldiers marched into position. Tomb Guard advanced in perfect lockstep, halberds and shields held at the ready, their every movement an expression of their master's will. Jackal headed Ushabti with great bows clenched before them, marched with mechanical precision beside the Tomb Guard. As a towering War Sphinx shook the sands with its tread behind them. Chariots ranged ahead in preparation for harassing the enemy flanks, while a pair of Caskets of Souls brought up the rear. And in the center of it all, Settra stood, barely swaying atop the howdah of his personal War Sphinx, as the burning motes of blue flame that now served as his eyes, fixed their gaze upon his distant foe. . .

Smug to the point of insufferability, Count Noctilus stood with arms folded atop the deck of his private Necrofex Colossus, gazing out across the dunes at Settra. The foul thing swaying as if still at sea, as it advanced across the scorching sands. Around Noctilis, was his trusty crew. 'Trusty' in the sense that they were a hoard of stitched together necromantic abominations enslaved to his will by dark magic. The best kind of crew to have if ye' wanted his personal opinion.

On either side of his unholy conveyance, were two more Necrofex Colossi, with a third, 'special specimen' equipped with a flame cannon, marching on the right flank. A bit much, Noctilus would admit, but then, this was the fabled King o' Kings he be up against, etiquette demanded he show prop'r respect. Noctilus grinned, his fangs flashing in the light of the sun. Nothing said 'respect' like enough cannon fire ta' sink an armada. Down in front of the war host, was a line of Deck Gunners, lugging their heavy ordinance across the dunes at a swift shuffle. While behind them, were units of the dreaded Depth Guard, as bloodthirsty, quite literally, a pack of scallywags as ev'r hoisted a sail. Nearly all wielding viciously sharp polearms. An o'course, who could forget his pride and joy? Good old Queen Bess! Ah, Noctilus loved that ol' girl, sure she was a lotta woman to manage, an' her roar could drown out a volcano, but when she went to war, her slap was somethin' ta behold.

"Brings a tear to me eye. . ." Noctilus chuckled to himself, as he offered a mocking salute to. . . "What the? Now where did ol' Settra go?" He muttered to himself as he stroked his barnacle encrusted beard. Settra's army was still there, just about to advance into range, but the king himself had seemingly disappeared. Suddenly, Noctilus's eyes widened, as a small dust devil ran across the dunes in front of him, the heat causing the air to shimmer. "AVAST YE DOGS! PROTECT THE GUNS! SETTRA BE-." Noctilus's warning came to late, as the shimmer of the desert seemed to warp, and a War Sphinx thundered across the dunes, far too close for comfort.

At roughly the same time, a veritable meteor shower of shrieking spears of energy, exploded into the ranks of the depth guard, specifically those wielding halberds. For an instant, Noctilus just stood there gaping, as Settra's War Sphinx slammed into the ranks of Deck Gunners, reducing a fair few to a discolored stain on the sand, as the remainder were sent flying, usually sans a limb or two. He never would have pegged so composed and careful a leader as the Imperishable to try a strategy as reckless as this. Hiding himself with magic and then barreling in alone? It was gutsy, and not at all what Noctilus was expecting. He also was vaguely curious how he had done it, before recalling some ritual the sand dogs were know to perform. Something about getting blessings of Kazer? Kasek? No Khsar that be it! Khsar! Allowing the bastards to raise sandstorms and conceal themselves in plain sight.

As he watched Settra rampage through his soldiers, Noctilus had to admit he was impressed. However, he hadn't gotten this far as the Terror of the Maelstrom, by being inflexible. Focusing his will, he sent his three Necrofex Colossi forward to ward off the rest of Settra's approaching army, as he pulled back his Deck Gunners and sent forth the still fairly healthy Depth Guard halberdiers. Digging deep, he recited the Invocation of Nehek, targeting the most injured of the vampiric soldiers with a revitalizing surge of necromantic magic. Corpses rose, and rent flesh stitched itself together, as the magic restored Noctilus's warriors. Swiftly surrounding Settra, they began to chip away at the animated stone of his mount with blades empowered by dark magic. . .

Settra swung the Blade of Ptra in a mighty arc, beheading and incinerating, an incautious trio of Depth Guard that had managed to scale the sides of his mount. With a contempt only the immortal ruler of Khemri could manage, he invoked the power of his divine patrons, a vortex of energy swirling around him and his War Sphinx before exploding out in a wave of destruction. Armored vampiric warriors shrieked as their bodies were blown in all directions, many reduced to mangled scraps of flesh encased within warped and broken armor.

To the rear of the wretched pirates formation, Settra could see their ranged units reforming ranks far quicker than he would like. Additionally, several of his chariots had been delayed by the Necrofex Colossi running interference, forcing them to move around them. Fortunately, two of said colossi were now bogged down by a unit of said chariots, as a War Sphinx charged into them. Delaying them long enough for the Ushabti to position themselves to focus their greatbow fire on the bogged down Colossi, as the chariots withdrew. Settra's gambit was paying off, the pirates had failed to consider that he might try a strategy as risky as putting himself directly into the firing line at the start of the battle. That said, the strategy still entailed significant drawbacks. . .

Noctilus had to admit, he was in a bit of trouble. Settra had taken a number of his best units out of the fight, and while Queen Bess had reduced more'n a few o' the advancing enemy Tomb Guard to shivers of bone, that didn't matter if the more important units continued to have free reign o' the field. Noctilus sighed, as he looked to a particularly high sand dune. He s'posed he best be showin o'l bandage head o'er there what he'd traded in his Syreens fer.

"Come t' that. . ." Noctilus muttered to himself, as he leaned over the side of his mount, and signaled the Fleet Captain below. Rainbow the Ruthless nodded, as she forced her Rotting Promethean mount into high gear, channeling the winds of magic as she called out to the depths.

As luck would have it, Settra had almost managed to disengage from the Depth Guard, as, in a blast of mystically summoned seawater, a team of Rotting Prometheans slammed into him. Meanwhile, two more units of Prometheans scuttled out from behind the sand dunes that had hidden them from Settra's view. Moving as fast as their decaying limbs would allow, they headed straight toward the Ushabti Greatbow's position, forcing them to pour all their fire into the new threat. Noctilus heard Settra's roar of fury as he tried to cut his way free of the hoard of giant undead hermit crabs assaulting him on all sides. . .

Settra struggled to contain his rage as he stabbed his sacred polearm through the head of a massive reanimated crustacean. With a gurgling wail, the monster fell back, its slimy shell and flesh burned instantly to steam and charcoal by the white hot spear tip. Calling once more on the power of the gods, Settra invoked Djaf's Incantation of Cursed Blades. A shimmering dark energy shone on the graven claws and fangs of Settra's mount, and on his own weapon, as the power of the god of death surged through them. Iron hard shells and exoskeletons parting more easily, as the animating magics of the monsters was disrupted.

Nevertheless, Settra was clearly in trouble. His mount was chipped and cracked, his own armor was rent in a few places, and the magics sustaining his body and keeping his soul tethered to it were starting to feel the strain. And it only got worse when he realized that the formerly scattered Deck Gunners had rallied, and were now aiming their formidable weaponry right at him. It was a bad position to be in, or. . . it would have been, had Settra not had a plan. . .

Just as the Deck Gunners were in position to fire, a terrible wind swirled in their midst. Amid cries of alarm and a violent oath from Count Noctilus, a whirling tornado of sand and ghostly screaming skulls manifested amid the Deck Gunner ranks. Soldiers were instantly thrown in all directions, or torn to shreds by the howling winds and gnashing teeth, as those who remained tried to get out of the way of the unpredictable whirlwind. Simultaneously, Settra's War Sphinx was bathed in an aura of blue light, as the cracks and chips on his mount began to vanish. Enchanted stone merging together again as if it were flesh, restoring the massive construct back to nearly full fighting form.

"Well. . . that be a development." Noctilus deadpanned, as he noted the appearance of two bandaged figures on the crest of a nearby dune. A lich Priest and a Necrotect, unless he missed his guess. As the Lich Priest began weaving its next spell, the Necrotect moved to support Settra. To make matters worse, Noctilus knew all too well that a properly trained Necrotect was no slouch in combat. "Guess it's about time I took control o' this er' situation. . ." He grumbled dangerously, as he ordered his Colossus to engage Settra. True he wasn't quite equipped for close range battle, but despite the Necrotect's best efforts, Settra was still hurting. If Noctilus was able to take him out, then it was only a matter of time before his army crumbled away to dust. . .

Settra sneered as his War Sphinx crushed the last of the summoned Prometheans. Battered but unbowed, he turned to see his ranks of Tomb Guard crest the dune that his Necrotect: Starmane the Righteous, and his Lich Priest: Spike, stood upon. Spike called out an incantation to Neru, and a shimmering field of nigh invisible energy covered Settra and his mount, reinforcing them against physical damage, as Starmane charged down the dune to do battle with the remaining Depth Guard. Victory was within Settra's grasp. All he needed to do was survive till the Tomb Guard arrived and the vampire lines would break. Raising the Blessed Blade of Ptra, he prepared to roar out the order to charge.

"AVAST YE' SAND DOGS! YO HO HO AND A BOTTLE OF BLOOD!!"

The outlandish shout preceded Settra's War Sphinx being bowled over, as a Necrofex Colossus flying the Jolly Roger, slammed into its side at a lumbering run. Noctilus himself jumping off the deck at the last minute to land nimbly next to the undignified, and now incomprehensibly pissed off, heap in the sand that was Settra the Imperishable. As Settra and his Sphinx got to their feet, Noctilus brought his vicious polearm 'Tidesplitter' up in a duelist's stance, a cocky smirk on his face.

"You dare strike the King of Kings in such a manner?!!" Settra snarled, rising to his feet. The sand around him whipping into a churning frenzy, as if the desert itself was reacting to his rage. Beside him, his War Sphinx shook itself, ponderously getting back to its feet before turning to face the Necrofex Colossus that had knocked it to the ground. Despite it's expression being a mere carving, its face seemed somehow to reflect its masters indignant fury, as it prepared to charge. Noctilus kept grinning as he spun his weapon around himself a few times.

"Aye!" He stated. "Figured it was about time someone took a bit o' that hot air out o' yer' sails. By the time we're done here, ye'll be bowing to me!"

To Noctilus's surprise, rather than charge at him in a reckless fury, Settra calmly raised his weapon into a 'ready' stance. Placing one bandaged foot forward and squaring off against Noctilus, the tip of his spear glowed with the white hot heat of the sun, as he pointed it at his foe. Beside the two warriors their mounts similarly got into position. Settra's War Sphinx crouching low in preparation for a pounce, while Noctilus's Necrofex Colossus thrust an arm ending in a trio of rotating cannons forward, while its other arm rose into a guard position.

Around the two mounts and the legendary champions whom commanded them, the battle raged. As two armies of undead, one of desiccated regal order and the other of waterlogged savage anarchy, clashed. The battle balanced on a knife edge, neither side gaining nor giving ground. In the end, it would be down to this duel between the King of Nehekara, and the Master of the Maelstrom. Settra's eyes flickered, as he spoke in an ethereal rumbling growl.

"Settra does not serve. . . SETTTRA RULES!"

Soundtrack: Santiana by Jonathan Young

The undead king's bellow all but shook the sands, as he charged the still smirking pirate lord in an impressive display of speed. Spinning the Blade of Ptra around his body in a shining blur, Settra swung it in a brutal overhead arc at his opponent. Caught off guard by the mummified warrior's swift movements, Noctilus only just had time to bring Tidesplitter up to block his strike. Bending his legs, Noctilus absorbed the impact of a blow that would have cleaved an ordinary man in twain. Spinning his body to one side, he redirected Settra's weapon into the sand, the blade instantly turning the silicate grains to glass, as Noctilus slashed at the King of King's unprotected back. Only for the bandaged warrior to twirl in place, catching Tidesplitter from beneath with his weapon and directing it in an arc overhead before pinning it against the sands. Settra finished his maneuver by elbowing Noctilus in the chest with enough force to send him sliding back, his feet digging deep furrows in the soft ground.

Noctilus however, simply grinned wider, as he raised a glowing hand over his head. Pointing it at the sky, he muttered a brief incantation under his breath, before leveling his finger at Settra. Instantly, a swirling mass of clouds began gathering overhead, amid a crackle of lightning and a roar of arcane energy. Settra, having heard reports of this ability from his advisors, threw himself to one side, as a barrage of cannon balls wreathed in swirling eldritch power, screamed down from the sky. However, Settra misjudged what Noctilus was aiming for, as the enchanted projectiles detonated across the body of his War Sphinx.

The construct was incapable of feeling pain or uttering sound, but Settra let out an involuntary bellow of rage, as his mount was hammered into the sand. Only to grow even more incensed as Noctilus's abominable Necrofex Colossus, used the opportunity to fire all three of its cannons into the War Sphinx's partially buried head. The momentary distraction almost cost Settra his unlife, as Noctilus rushed forward to swing Tidesplitter's cruelly bladed head at the King of Khemeri's neck. Settra only just managing to block the strike with an upraised arm, his ancient enchanted bracer only barely holding against Tidesplitter's own dark enchantments and wicked edge.

Invoking the Wrath of Ptra, Settra's body exploded in a blast of glowing golden flames, sending Noctilus hurtling away with his beard and coat badly singed. Meanwhile, in a brutal display of power, Settra's War Sphinx recovered from its pummeling. Launching itself into the spindly Necrofex Colossus and clamping its jaws onto its cannonless left arm, pulling it off balance. Covered in cracks, and with several large hunks of material gouged out of its side, the Sphinx still had plenty of fight left, as it sent its opponent toppling to the ground.

Meanwhile, Noctilus laughed as he rolled to his feet. He hadn't had a fight this exciting in ages. That said, it was clear that ol' bandage head outclassed him by a fair margin in terms of raw fighting skill. Fortunately, a good pirate was never at a loss for tricks. Reaching down to his belt, Noctilus brushed his hand against the ancient moondial hanging there, calling to the spirits of those sailors whom had died trying to posses it. Instantly, the sand between Settra and Noctilus exploded upward, as scores of zombified seamen clawed their way free of the great beyond. Settra's expression of wrathful indignation at the sight of such underhanded tactics, made Noctilus chuckle. Why in the name of the deeps was everyone always so surprised when the pirate lord didn't fight fair?

Settra, his blade blazing in time with his fury, sliced through the grasping and groaning chaff between him and his foe five or six at a time. That he, the fabled lord of the sands should have to endure such an indignity as fighting mere zombies was beyond the pale! As the Blade of Ptra turned another four of the shambling corpses into charred husks with a wide slash, he swore he would personally feed Noctilus's rotting soul to the scavenger god!

Noctilus meanwhile, used his free moment to cast the Invocation of Nehek on his currently struggling Necrofex Colossus. While simultaneously signaling his distant ship via magic to hammer Settra's War Sphinx with a bit of cannon fire. A moment later, the leonine construct was sent reeling by a blazing cannonball to the side, allowing the Necrofex Colossus an opening to get to its feet. Running forward, Noctilus was just in time to grab a trailing piece of rigging as the towering war engine rose up. Swinging upward, Noctilus summersaulted into a perfect landing on the cracked but still solid decking. Looking over the side, he gave Settra a cheeky salute, as he mentally directed his mount to stomp the Nehekaran king into paste.

Settra, seeing the incoming mass of driftwood and stitched together corpses streaking down at him, took a moment to center himself. Mystic senses slowing the world to a crawl, as he analyzed the situation. Within a fraction of a second the King of King's had a plan. Throwing away caution, he once more relied on skill and daring, as he rushed toward the towering pirate war engine. Just barely avoiding the descending limb, Settra almost lost his footing as the impact, cushioned though it was by the sand, made the dune shake.

Running between the rotting horror's legs, Settra uttered a brief prayer to the gods, asking for their blessing and power. Directly behind the now off balance Necrofex Colossus, waited the master of Nehekhara's War Sphinx. Raising a massive paw of carved and enchanted stone, the beast responded to its rider's will. Jumping into the waiting paw, Settra embedded his bony digits into the cracked stone appendage, as it swung upward. Waiting till the last moment, the lord of the sands launched himself into the air. His flawlessly preserved limbs combined with the assist provided by his mount, sent Settra soaring skyward, just as Noctilus's mount turned around.

Reaching the apex of his flight, Settra smiled internally, as he grasped the Blessed Blade of Ptra with both hands. Below him, Noctilus was glancing around in confusion, trying to figure out where his foe had gone. A moment later, Settra saw the pirate lord freeze for an instant, as understanding dawned and he looked up, simultaneously raising his blade to block. The haft of his weapon made it just in time as the king of the desert smashed into the master of the waves. The impact of Settra's swing enough to shatter the decking beneath Noctilus's feet and send the undead war engine it was part of, to its knees.

Noctilus's arms, inexplicable as it was given his undead state, felt numb. As he and Settra leapt apart and proceeded to turn the air between them into a veritable cloud of steel. A series of slashes from Settra were frantically parried, before Noctilus managed to catch the haft of his shining polearm with the hooked end of his own. Bringing up his left hand, Noctilus clenched it into a fist, displaying a golden ring, with a large glowing ruby set into it. Settra only just jerked his body aside before a blast of flaming power erupted from the ring. The ball of mystic fire destroying a chunk of deck railing, before vitrifying a chunk of a dune a good hundred feet away.

Off balance, Settra grit his yellowed teeth as he was put on the defensive. A series of lightning quick stabs propelled by vampiric musculature, were only barely redirected by the King of King's immense skill and mystically enhanced reflexes. Fury and focus combined, as Settra dodged a stab aimed for his eye socket, before grabbing the haft of his foe's weapon and sending a savage kick into Noctilus's gut.

Staggered, Noctilus made a sign in the air, channeling the winds of magic and shrouding Settra's senses with an illusory mist, just before he could wrench Tidesplitter from Noctilus's hands. Whirling his wicked polearm around, Noctilus stabbed Settra through the gut before ripping his weapon out through his side in a cloud of dust and shredded cloth.

"GOT YE'!" Noctilus crowed. As Settra staggered away, and he brought his weapon up in a two handed grip. "NOW TAKE A KNEE YE' POMPUS SAND DOG!!" He roared out, as he brought his weapon down.

Only for a bandaged, skeletal hand, to reach out once more and stop it mid swing. Noctilus's eyes bulged, as Settra rose up to his full height, revealing his reaction to the injury as mere theater. What would have been a crippling wound to any other man or vampire was as nothing to the King of Kings, as arcane power swirled around him, restoring his undead vitality. Noctilus struggled to pull his weapon back, but it was as if it was embedded in a block of iron, as Settra's eyes flared with a cold blue radiance. A creaking whine of strained metal carried through the air, as Settra tightened his grip, just before Tidesplitter, an ancient weapon of darkest magic, snapped like a matchstick.

"Did you not hear me, unworthy peasant?" Settra declared, his words terrifying in how dismissively calm they were. As if the King of Kings was simply clarifying a point of fact. Tossing aside the head of Noctilus's weapon, and sending it clattering across the deck. "Settra does not serve. . ." Noctilus, shocked, and not a little awed by the power and sheer presence Settra was exuding, took an involuntary step back. Letting his guard down for just an instant. It was all the King of King's needed. . . as in a blinding flash of gold and a blur of movement, he sent Ptra's blessed blade straight through Noctilus's heart. "Settra rules."

Staggering back, Noctilus felt his undead flesh disintegrating. The dark and terrible magics that had kept him in the realm of the living so long, coming undone in an instant. Rent asunder by the power of Settra's god blessed weapon. As he stared at the lord of Khemri, the undisputed ruler of Nehekhara, the almighty king of the desert standing there, Noctilus couldn't help but smile.

"Aye. . . so ye' do. . ." He declared, as his body turned to cinder before being blown away by the desert wind.

Jack leaned back in his chair, staring at the screen of his pc, as his army of vampire pirates, deprived of their leader, finally crumbled. The death of Noctilus finally pushing what had been a razor thin contest into decisive defeat. Twilight's army, battered but still strong, standing tall, as the battle between them officially ended. It had taken everything Jack had and more, but in the end he was forced to bow before the better player. After a momentary silence, he finally found his voice.

"Congratulations on your victory princess. It appears today, you were the better general."

Across the electronic sea of the internet and the boundary between dimensions, Twilight gave a slightly sad smile. Not that she was unhappy with her victory or disappointed at Jack's performance. Truth be told, Jack was every bit as marvelous a tactician as Celestia had insisted he was. He had pushed Twilight to the limits of her skill, ultimately forcing her to break out of her comfort zone and take a risk she never would have against another opponent. More than that however, he had kept the game fun for her, with a stream of easy back and forth conversation, banter, roleplay and jokes. Honestly, the only thing keeping her from enjoying it, was that it was over.

"Say. . . Jack?" Twilight asked as casually as possible.

"Yes Twilight?" Jack replied.

"Well, I know I technically won and all but. . . could we maybe. . . keep playing?" Jack felt his eyes widen slightly, forcing down a sudden feeling of anxiety, as he blushed, uncertain how to respond. Twilight must have somehow sensed his nervousness, as her next words had a distinct note of challenge along with something faintly flirtatious, that Jack was convinced he was imagining. "Unless of course, getting beat by your favorite princess knocked the fight out of you?" Instantly, Jack felt a competitive fire light within him.

"Not a chance." He declared playfully, before switching to a tone of theatrical confidence. "How about I show you why I'm called The Warmaster?" Twilight giggled.

"Considering that's your gamertag, didn't you technically name yourself that?" She asked with an audible smirk.

"Do you wanna nitpick, or do you wanna throw down pony girl?" Jack shot back good-naturedly. Twilight just chuckled, feeling a strange thrill at Jack's tone of confidence.

"Bring it on. . . Warmaster."

AMBUSH!

Author's Note

Greetings everyone, Thule117 here with a few words before we get started. First, I'd like to apologize for how long the new chapter for Legion is taking, not to mention my slow writing speed in general. Chaos in the real world and my own flighty attention span, combined with a number of other side endeavors has been keeping me from writing as much as I'd like. The new chapter for Legion is mostly done, but I've been dragging my feet in the last quarter of it, at any rate it should be finished relatively soon.

In other news, I can now say that I have finally read pretty much all of the MLP comics and manga. It took me awhile to find them all, as some are out of print, but find them I did. Each one was a delight, and has given me tons of new ideas, particularly for Total War: Ponyhammer. Up until the last few months I had never read a single one of the Mane 6's comic book adventures despite knowing they existed, and I deeply regret waiting so long. If you haven't read them, I strongly recommend doing so.

At any rate, I hope you all are doing well and that you can forgive my lateness in publishing this chapter. And now, on with the story. . .

AMBUSH!

Thorgrim Grudgebearer swore feelingly as he saw the battle turn. From his position on a hill he watched as a unit of Hammerers was torn apart by a hail of warpstone bullets. Screams of agony sounded as the Dawi soldiers flesh was burned and twisted by the unnatural energies emitted by the projectiles, their finely forged armor of no concern to such unholy weaponry. However, it only grew worse from there. As a mass of green fog the size of a boulder, smashed into a unit of Thunderers.

Shrieks of unimaginable pain echoed across the battlefield, as the line of gun toting warriors were dissolved, armor and all, by the unspeakable mix of chemicals and magical diseases. Thorgrim clenched the armrests of his throne, his rage all but paralyzing him. Plagueclaw Catapults, only truly monstrous minds could ever countenance such an abhorrent weapon, let alone build and use it. Thorgrim would have ordered his own artillery to respond, but the enemy had already destroyed it. Several units of sorcerous machines, 'Doom-Flayers' he seemed to remember the enemy calling them, having outflanked Thorgrim's front line and charged their rear. Slaughtering the Grudge Thrower crews in scant moments before driving off.

"FALL BACK LADS! FALL BACK BY GRUNGNI!!" Thorgrim bellowed, the words like bile in his throat. Before him, the ancient Book of Grudges seemed almost to mock him. As well was his due he supposed, he had been meant to settle a grudge here, not shame his ancestors by adding another. Still, he might yet salvage this situation if he could simply save enough of his warriors. If they could make it back to friendly territory, regroup and rearm. . .

"Fool-fool says 'what'!" Cried a voice seemingly from out of nowhere.

"What?!" Thorgrim exclaimed, just as the palanquin his throne sat upon violently tilted, accompanied by a scream from one of the bearers. Fans of blood sprayed into the air, and Thorgrim just had time to grab his axe and jump, as a second bearer's throat was opened up. Hitting the ground hard, the Dawi king rolled to absorb the momentum before coming up with his axe in a guard position. Just in time to block a series of blindingly fast slashes, delivered by what seemed at first to be a living shadow. Sparks were struck from the haft of Thorgrim's rune engraved axe, as he only barely parried a series of glowing green strikes trailing ghostly afterimages. Then, as the shadow's parted, the Grudgebearer at last saw his enemy.

The creature stood about five feet tall, covered in jet black fur. In limbs that ended in a cross between paws and clawed hands, it clutched a pair of wicked daggers that glowed a poisonous green, with a third held in the worm-like tail behind it. Beady red eyes, and a long snout filled with razor sharp teeth, completed the image of a monstrously oversized rat that some cruel or insane deity had fused with a man. Thorgrim grit his teeth in anger, as he beheld a lord of one of the Dawi's most hated enemies, the Thaggoraki, or in the tongue of the manling's: the Skaven. . .

"Aye know you beast!" Thorgrim rumbled, clenching his axe hard enough to turn his knuckles white. The Skaven just gave a nasty tittering laugh.

"Death Master Snikch, at-at your service." The creature replied with a mocking bow. Thorgrim felt his blood boil, recalling all the good lads who had died to this monster in this most recent campaign. How many entries in the Dammaz Kron referred to this beast by name?! Rolling his shoulders, Thorgrim vowed that if nothing else, those grudges would be settled here and now! Sizing up his opponent, Thorgrim decided to keep the clearly overconfident rodent talking.

"So then, that wazzock in the trees was just the distraction while you moved into position." Thorgrim growled. "Aye'd of thought my reinforcements would have taken care of ye'." Snikch smirked, or at least Thorgrim was pretty sure he did, honestly it was hard to tell with Skaven faces.

"Still-still fight-killing them! Only me-me here!" Thorgrim didn't believe that for a second. Unfortunately at present he was in no position to reconnoiter the area. Worse however, was that he was currently isolated from most of his army. The closest backup currently consisting of a group of beleaguered Iron Breakers being harried by hundreds of feral looking ratmen that had exploded up from the ground beneath their feet. Thorgrim steeled himself, mustering up his near boundless reserves of Dawi pride and stubbornness. He'd killed monsters and assassins on his own before, killing something that was both at once shouldn't prove much of a challenge.

"Yer about ta' be real sorry ye' left your ugly friends back there." Thorgrim growled, as he charged forward.

Snikch's form seemed almost to blur as he met his foe's charge. With flawless acrobatics he effortlessly dodged the dwarven king's strikes. Using his superior speed and agility, the Deathmaster sought an opening in his foe's defenses. Unfortunately, what Thorgrim lacked in speed and maneuverability, he easily made up for in durability and skill. Rune enchanted armor, combined with a measured but relentless fighting style meant that finding a soft spot wouldn't be easy. Not to mention that Dawi stubbornness and hardy constitution, meant he could keep up his assault till doomsday if he had to. Still, that was assuming Snikch allowed him such a luxury.

Flipping out of the way of a swing that likely could have hacked down a good sized oak, the Deathmaster grabbed a pawful of loose dirt before flinging it at his opponent's face. As predicted, the Dawi king's instincts worked against him, as he jumped back, no doubt suspecting something far worse than a cloud of dust and a few loose pebbles. Suddenly off balance, Thorgrim struggled to get his guard back up as he registered the trick. Only to let out a grunt of pain, as one of the assassin's blades found a chink in his armor.

"That all you got?!" The Dawi king roared, ignoring the wound as he lashed out with his axe. Snikch let out a squeak of dismay as he dodged just a hair too late, and a line of red appeared on his arm. Hissing in anger, Snikch jumped back out of range. Thorgrim let out a laugh, trying to ignore the burning feeling of the poison in his veins that was making his head spin slightly. "Running already?! From that little paper cut?! Come here and I'll really give ya' somthin' to cry about!" Suddenly the King's eyes narrowed, as Snikch revealed his teeth. This time, there was no mistaking the grin.

"Better idea-thought. . ." He replied, his eyes gleaming with malevolent glee, as he twirled his daggers around his claws. A low whistling and a flash of green was the only warning Thorgrim got, as something struck him in the back with explosive force. Pain screamed through his body as he was hurled forward in a cloud of green and black smoke. Rolling to his feet despite the agony, Thorgrim was surprised when the Deathmaster didn't bother trying to exploit the opening. As if reading his thoughts, the Skaven assassin let out a high pitched laugh. "Warp Stars good-nice but-but we do better! Yes-yes?!"

Before Thorgrim could even think of demanding an explanation, he let out a bellow of pain. It felt like every bone in his body had just been hit by a Dawi smith's hammer. Spitting blood, he felt his body wracked by an uncontrollable shaking, as every muscle screamed. Falling to one knee, the Grudgebearer struggled to guard himself as Snikch shot toward him in a blur. Nearly blinded by pain, Thorgrim could barely put up a defense as a trio of glowing blades punched through his armor over and over. The burning of the poison became white hot torture as repeated doses overwhelmed the King's Dawi constitution. Blood oozed from dozens of wounds, Thorgrim only barely managing to redirect the onslaught of razor sharp steel away from his vital organs. Finally though, the bone deep pain relented, the dark magic running its course as the battered King regained his feet.

"Do. . . tha'. . . again. . ." He wheezed, forcing a sneering grin to his face. "Might. . . actually. . . feel it this time!" The smile never left Snikch's face.

"No need-reason too, associate-friend from Skryre finally got all Jezails into position." Instantly, Thorgrim's eyes widened in horror, his axe slipping from suddenly numb fingers. Just as dozens of distant popping sounds were heard over the din of battle.

"You. . . sorry WHORESON WAZZO-!" The King's final words were abruptly cut off, as countless bullets of purified warpstone blew his body apart in a shower of blood and glittering shards of armor.

"Always thought-knew he talked too much." Growled a voice from nearby.

Snikch's smile widened as he wiped his blades clean on the grass of the hill. Turning, he beheld a skaven half encased in ornate armor. At least, that's what appeared to be the case, until you noticed the mechanical arm attached to his armored half. Holding a weapon that was as much a spear as it was a staff, festooned in countless mechanical gimcracks and googaws that the assassin couldn't even begin to guess the function of, the half metal rat returned the Deathmaster's grin.

"Ikit Claw!" He cried out, as he moved to clasp paws with his old friend.

"Snikch!" The Skryre engineer squeaked, gripping his friend's offered paw firmly as they playfully arm wrestled in mid air. After a moment or two of being deadlocked, the Deathmaster grinned.

"What's the matter-problem Ikit? They got you pushing too many pencils?" However, before the warlock could reply, a voice rang out from the nearby corpse of Thorgrim Grudgebearer.

"Ugh! Thou do know that in the actual lore those two would despise each other, correct?"

Over Dispony, Luna's comment sounded ever so slightly petulant, as she watched the last of her Longbeards disappear under a hail of Ratling Gun fire. Celestia's grin was audible as she replied.

"Sounds a bit like sour grapes to me dear sister. And here I thought you wanted a challenge?" Luna's response was a bit on the testy side.

"Remind me sister, what were the first words out of your mouth after losing to our new teammate for the first time? Something about 'Monkeybucking' I believe?" As Celestia shot back with a mildly indignant reply, Jack ignored the two royal sisters back and forth, in favor of typing out a quick PM to Twilight.

Warmaster1987: "How concerned should I be that beings who hold the power to move stars and moons through space bicker with each other whenever we beat them? I'd rather the apocalypse not come about because I was stupid enough not to let the Wookie win." Twilight snorted into her mic as she struggled to contain her laughter before typing out a response.

BookhorsePrincess: "Not to worry, Cadence and I could stop them if things ever got that bad. . . probably."

Warmaster1987: "Wow, what a ringing endorsement. . . I am filled with confidence." Twilight just barely managed to suppress another giggle as Jack continued typing while Celestia and Luna continued to argue. "Well, seeing as there's a 50-50 chance we're all about to die. Twilight. . . there's something I've been meaning to ask you for a long, long time. . ." For just an instant, Twilight felt her heartbeat quicken. Only to feel faintly disappointed when he sent the rest of the message. "How do unicorns sleep without their horns poking holes in their pillows? I just cannot figure it out."

It had been a little over a month and a half since Jack had become one of the Chaosmares, and in that time he and Twilight had become fast friends. Little surprise given how much they turned out to have in common. Both were slightly introverted, and more than a little socially awkward. Both loved to read and shared a love of action adventure novels. They both struggled with various mental challenges, Twilight still wrestled with mild obsessive compulsive disorder, and Jack admitted to having a touch of Asperger Syndrome. They also were both were great believers in the pursuit of knowledge for its own sake, and each found being surrounded by books akin to a religious experience.

After that first test battle against each other, they played Total War and talked constantly. Even going so far as to exchange cell numbers. Anytime Twilight wasn't doing princess work or hanging out with her friends, she was talking to Jack. She desperately wanted to meet him in person, but every time she brought it up he dodged the question or claimed he was busy. She knew he mentioned being sensitive about how he looked, but surely he didn't think she'd judge him based on his appearance, did he? Honestly, it was beginning to get just a little frustrating.

"You two ok over there Twilight? You and Jack are awfully quiet." Cadence's words were neutral, but her tone was ever so slightly suggestive, and Twilight instantly felt her face go red. This was not at all helped by Jack's response.

"Oh, just chatting about how Twilight is thinking of quitting the princess business and running off with me to Aruba. Besides, I've played the God of War series, I know better than to get between two deities in the middle of a spat." For all their similarities, this was one of the key differences between Jack and Twilight. She tended to be calm and measured in conversation and usually didn't joke overtly, while Jack tended to make every conversation into a joke, and treated sarcasm as if it was a second language. Usually it made Twilight laugh, but right now for some reason, she really found herself wishing she was somewhere else.

"Oh don't mind my aunts, they love each other even if they do bicker from time to time. So, any big plans for the next few days?" Instantly, Twilight's ears pricked. To anycreature else, Cadence's question would have sounded entirely innocent, but to Twilight, whom had known Cadence for most of her life, the tone of the question sounded. . . wrong. There was an ever so subtle note of false innocence, one that instantly set Twilight on guard. Jack however, hadn't seemed to notice.

"Oh nothing big, probably just more one on one Total War practice with Twilight, and maybe getting some chores done around the house. Place is a mess." Instantly, Twilight's ears pricked up, her suspicion towards Cadence momentarily forgotten. Jack wasn't busy for the next few days! Maybe this was the moment to finally convince him to let her come for a visit! However before she could open her mouth, Cadence let out an exclamation of alarm.

"Oh my hoofness I just remembered! Twilight I'm paying a visit with Flurry Heart this weekend, and I was wondering if I could stay at your place? I know it's last minute, but if you could do it I'd be so grateful!" That definitely set off some alarm bells in Twilight's head. Cadence rarely if ever forgot to mention familial visits, and just 'dropping in' typically wasn't in character for her either. That settled it, Cadence was plotting something.

"I mean, I guess? But I wanted to ask Jack if-."

"GREAT!" Cadence interrupted. "Oh you need to call me right now we have soooo much planning to do!" Twilight arched an eyebrow as every instinct she had told her to call Cadence out on whatever form of horse-apples this was. In the end however, she just sighed.

"Fine, just let me say bye to Jack first." However, the instant Twilight turned back to the screen she saw that Jack had disconnected from the Dispony call.

Warmaster1987: "Dammit, looks like the connection fizzled out. Just as well, I have a few things I need to get too. Catch you later Twi, next time let's do that Tyrion vs Teclis match. Have fun with Cadence!" Twilight smiled, as she replied.

BookhorsePrincess: "Looking forward to it, and I will. Btw, any chance you're free next weekend? I was thinking I could pop through the gate in Mexico and teleport to your neighborhood?" Twilight waited with bated breath for a few seconds, before letting it out in a long frustrated sigh as the reply appeared.

Warmaster1987: "Uh, sorry Twilight, I have a previous obligation. Maybe some other time?"

BookhorsePrincess: "Yeah, no problem. Text you later. :)" As Jack signed off, Twilight let her feelings out the best she could.

"UUUUUGGGGHHH!!"

"Let me guess, he turned you down again?" Cadence asked.

"I just don't get it!" Twilight wailed. "I'm the Princess of Bucking Friendship! I co-rule a kingdom! I've fought supervillains! I negotiated peace between Israel and Palestine! I got all but three human countries to give up nukes! WHY CAN"T I CONVINCE ONE STUBBORN HUMAN TO MEET ME FOR COFFEE?!!!" Cadence just let out a tittering laugh.

"Because he's a stallion Twilight. Stallions like Jack, especially human stallions, are insecure, prideful, and dense! If you want him to go out with you, you can't just ask him to go out with you on a date, you have to tell him to go out with you on a date!" Instantly Twilight's face flared red.

"I never said I wanted to DATE him! I just-."

"Nup-bup-bup-bup! Don't even try that 'we're just friends' garbage. You two are the most compatible matchup I've seen in ages! You two talk to each other constantly, you're different where it counts but similar where it matters. You make each other laugh, and when you two play co-op it's like you can read each other's thoughts! Back me up here aunties!"

"Blunt as our niece's description of things was, I quite agree." Celestia stated, having abandoned her argument with Luna in favor of listening in on Twilight and Cadence's conversation. "I feel like Jack's insecurities are holding him back. I know you want to respect his wishes Twilight, but I doubt it would hurt to be a bit more aggressive."

"Indeed!" Luna agreed enthusiastically. "Just like when Tia had her first crush and ordered the Royal Guard to kidnap him!"

"LUNA! That is not what happened!" Celestia declared imperiously.

"Did you or did you not tell the guards to go get him after he failed to respond to thy letters of affection?" Luna replied archly.

"To make sure he was alright!" Celestia replied defensively. "I didn't tell them to drag him to the throne room in chains! And another thin-wait. . . How did you even know about that? I thought you slept through the whole thing?" There was a long pause before Luna replied.

"In my defence, you were the one who started it when you switched out my shampoo for magical golden-blond high intensity mane dye. . . plus I already knew he was gay and thus would not be interested."

"YOU CHANGED MY ORDERS?!!!" Twilight briefly felt the earth shake with the force of Celestia's shout.

"YOU TURNED MY MANE GOLD TIA!! GOLD!!!" Luna shouted back.

"I AM GOING TO DESTROY YOU!!!"

"YOU SHALL HAVE TO CATCH ME FIRST!" This proclamation was swiftly followed by the sound of a mic being flung aside, indistinct shouting, and several explosions. Cadence just let out a sigh of exasperation.

"Yes well. . . the point is Twilight, that the real reason I'm coming to Ponyville tomorrow is to help you finally get a date with Jack." Twilight thought about trying to talk Cadence out of whatever plan she had concocted, but swiftly decided against it. Cadence could be insanely stubborn when she wanted to be, plus, much as Twilight hated to admit it, she wasn't getting anywhere with Jack on her own. And Cadence was the Princess of Love, matching up compatible ponies was about half her job, and she was very good at it.

"Ok Cadence, I'll try it your way. Just. . . nothing too crazy alright?" Twilight's request was met by the sound of a sizable explosion from Luna's mic, followed by the roar of Celestia's voice.

"WHERE IS SHE?!! I SWEAR I'M GOING TO DYE HER ENTIRE BODY WITH POLKA DOTS!! DO YOU HEAR ME SISTER?!! POLKA DOTS!!!!"

That Saturday, Twilight was burning with curiosity as she met Cadence at Ponyville train station. All week Cadence had utterly refused to tell Twilight the details of her plan to get Jack to meet her. And no amount of wheedling, begging, or pleading on Twilight's part had made her sister in law budge. All Cadence would tell her was a list of magical ingredients she'd need -something she refused to elaborate on-, and that she should prepare an overnight bag.

"So are you going to finally tell me the plan?" Twilight asked for what felt like the millionth time in the last two days as her sister in law stepped off the train. Cadence simply gave a mysterious smirk as she levitated her overnight bag behind her.

"Patience Twilight, you can't rush these things." Twilight felt like she wanted to scream.

"Cadence, no offence, but I'm seriously beginning to question if you even have a plan." Cadence just rolled her eyes as they started walking toward the castle.

"Of course I have a plan Twilight. I spent all week researching what I needed to make it work. I know I'm being a bit cryptic, but please trust me. I promise this will all be worth it." Twilight let out a heavy sigh.

"I'm sorry, I do trust you it's just. . . I really want this to go well. Jack is. . . well he's not my first crush, but he's the first stallion I've met who I feel like he see's me for. . . me." Cadence gave a sympathetic smile.

"That actually reminds me, I never really asked you about Flash Sentry. Why didn't you ever ask him out?" Twilight's ears flattened against her head as she thought back to her actual first crush.

"Honestly? Flash was a nice stallion but. . . we really didn't have much in common. I liked him mostly because he was handsome and nice, and he reminded me a bit of my brother. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that 'like' is as far as I could ever go with him emotionally." Cadence nodded sagely.

"Ah, I think I understand now. The kind of stallion who you know cares for you, but doesn't understand you." She remarked. Twilight nodded.

"When I talk to Jack, I feel like I'm talking to someone who gets me. Even when I talk about things he doesn't understand, he knows why it's important to me. Just the other night I was rambling on to him about a spell I was working on. He didn't get the math, or all of the different thaumaturgic requirements and formulas, but he understood why I was so excited about it. He didn't jokingly roll his eyes at me being a 'nerd', or get bored and politely wait for me to stop talking. He asked questions, and engaged with me to understand what he could, he cared. Not just because it was important to me, but because he knew it was another step toward unlocking greater knowledge." Cadence smiled.

"That's kind of what I meant when I said you two were different where it counts but similar where it matters. You two have the same core values, but different personalities. Its why I think you two will make such an amazing couple. Or at least, you will once Jack stops getting in his own way." She declared, as they entered Twilight's castle. "Speaking of, I'm going to go freshen up from my trip and get everything ready. Get your overnight bag and meet me in my room in exactly one hour." Twilight wanted to argue, but ultimately decided that one more hour of waiting couldn't hurt.

"Fine, Spike and Starlight are out right now, but they said they'd put the things you asked for in your room." Cadence nodded as she levitated her bags upstairs.

"Perfect. See you in an hour Twilight, and don't worry, my plan is foolproof!" Twilight arched an eyebrow.

"Isn't that exactly what you said last week, just before Jack and Luna lured you into that trap? Your 'foolproof plan' cost us the game." Cadence let out an embarrassed little cough.

"Yes, well. . . this isn't Naggarond and he's not playing as Oxyotl." Twilight smirked as she replied.

"And he's not able to distract you by asking about Flurry Heart's baby pictures. Right?" Cadence let out an indignant snort at that.

"That just goes to show how much I love you, considering I'm willing to set you up with a supervillain. Seriously, using a mother's Instagram posts against her is just despicable!" Twilight just giggled.

"Well you know what they say: 'all's fair in love and war'." Cadence simply rolled her eyes.

"You and Jack are going to be unbearable once you start dating." She groaned. Hiding a smirk as she headed to her room.

An hour later, an antsy Twilight stood outside the door to the guestroom Cadence had chosen. Through the door, she heard the faint sound of Cadence humming to herself. Taking a deep breath to try and control the mix of anxiety and anticipation running through her, Twilight adjusted the saddlebags on her back and knocked on the door.

"Hold on Twilight, just making sure everything is ready. Did you bring your overnight bags?" Twilight let out an inaudible sigh and rolled her eyes as she replied.

"Yes." Twilight of course had her suspicions as to why Cadence would want her to pack to go somewhere. If she had to guess, she'd say her sister in law probably intended to take her through the gate to Earth. As to what she intended to do then, Twilight had no idea.

"Ok, good. Just a little more aaaand. . . done. Ok Twilight, come on in!" Steeling herself, Twilight opened the door and strode briskly inside. Only to react with shock, as a blast of turquoise magic struck her full on in the face. Stumbling and half blinded, Twilight just had time to notice the glowing circle of runes on the floor of Cadence's bedroom, as she felt the unmistakable tingling sensation of a powerful enchantment taking hold of her. As Twilight struggled to reorient herself, Cadence addressed her in a voice that was entirely too chipper for somepony who had just attacked a member of their own family. "Have fun!" Then the world exploded in a flash of turquois light.

Blinking spots from her eyes, Twilight ignited her horn and braced herself. As a mage of no small talent, and somepony who had made teleportation something of a signature spell, she was well acquainted with the feeling of being moved across vast distances via magic. A million panicked thoughts ran through her head as she tried to get her bearings. Had an enemy of Equestria or the Human Pony Alliance subverted Cadence somehow?! Who could have done so?! What was their objective?! How did they manage it?! Was she in an apartment?

Shaking off the last of her disorientation, Twilight saw that she was indeed in what appeared to be the living room of a slightly messy single bedroom apartment. One side of the room held a high end gaming PC on an old fashioned desk of weathered wood, a beaten up office chair perched in front of it. While on another side, she could see a TV with multiple gaming consoles strewn around it. In between and on the remaining walls were several bookshelves, stuffed with games, DVD's, and hundreds of books, as well as a seemingly random assortment of eclectic items. A small stone sculpture, a box made of polished brass, a hunk of rose quartz, an antique clock, and other equally bizarre items.

Pulling her gaze away from the bookshelves, Twilight noted the walls were decorated with posters of the Chaosmares, and framed newspaper clippings of important moments in the founding of the Human Pony Alliance, most featuring Twilight herself quite prominently. In addition, there were several framed duplicates of famous paintings, including one Twilight recognized as a Van Gogh, and a black and white photo done by Ansel Adams. In the center of the room, was a glass topped coffee table, covered in loose papers, game controllers, and a plate covered in crumbs. An upholstered couch was placed facing the TV from across the coffee table.

Turning around Twilight noted the kitchen, the sink filled with dirty dishes. The simple range stove was flanked by a counter on one side and an old refrigerator on the other. A short connecting hall lead away from the kitchen, and stepping into it, Twilight saw three doors. One was clearly the entrance to the apartment, given its orientation and the fact it was metal with a peephole through it. The second was ajar and looked in on a bedroom, the third, which was closed and from which the sound of running water emanated, was almost definitely a bathroom.

Twilight suddenly felt panic flood her mind, as it finally dawned on her just what Cadence had done, and where she had been sent. Frantically, Twilight began conjuring the magic for a dimensional teleport. While normally she would never have dreamed of attempting such a spell without constructing a magic circle as Cadence had done, her increasing panic, and the sound of the running water beyond the bathroom door cutting out, spurred her to desperation. Countless mental calculations and aetheric current adjustments were made in a flash, as Twilight prepared to recklessly hurl herself across the space between realities. . . only for the spell to fizzle like a match thrown into a lake.

Twilight froze in a combination of disbelief and slowly mounting rage, as she discovered the purpose of the enchantment Cadence had placed on her. An enchantment originally designed by the royal guard to prevent magical captives from escaping via teleport. One only the caster, or the passage of time, could remove. Just as the door to the bathroom flew open, Twilight, with no way to avoid her coming fate, took a deep breath, and with as much solemnity and dignity as she could conjure, made a sacred vow to herself.

"Cadence, I am going to bucking murder you."

You Come Here Often?

Jack and Twilight stared at each other for what most experts would call an 'awkwardly long time'. One shocked by the appearance of the other in his place of residence. The other shocked at the other's appearance. Jack had warned Twilight that his face had been injured, what he had not mentioned was the extent of the damage. The lower left side of Jack's face, was a ruin. A good chunk of the cheek was missing, exposing the teeth and gumline in the manner of a rictus grin. A spiderweb of scars traced out from the missing portion, crisscrossing the left side of his face in a network of puckered, angry red tissue. Instantly Twilight was reminded of Rakarth from Total War, or maybe SKX from Condemned 2 Bloodshot.

Twilight could easily see why Jack wouldn't want others to see his face, most would undeniably find him intimidating. Between his medium length brown hair, currently slicked back against his head by a combination of moisture and a comb, his eyes that were a piercing combination of green and hazel, and his six foot two athletic frame, he looked like a dressed-down supervillain from a comic book. Twilight however, found herself completely unafraid. In fact, if she were being honest, she found his intimidating appearance weirdly fascinating.

However, before Twilight could examine her feelings further, she recalled a number of key details about her situation. One: she was currently standing, uninvited and unannounced, in the apartment of her crush. Two: said crush, was currently only wearing a towel. Three: neither of them had said so much as a word for nearly thirty seconds.

"I uh. . . you-uh. . . er, that is to say. . . Hi!" Twilight offered as she put on a far-too-wide-to-be-sincere grin. Jack, just continued to stare at her for another few seconds. Before slowly reaching up, and pinching himself, hard. After a moment spent wincing, he finally responded. An ever so slight lisp to his words courtesy of the missing parts of his face that Twilight wondered about never noticing before.

"Ok, so not a dream. That leaves either: hallucination brought on by a gas leak, or stark raving madness from living for years in self-imposed isolation. Which is it?" He asked, with a shocking degree of calm.

Twilight momentarily considered claiming she was a hallucination. She couldn't teleport but the rest of her magic worked just fine. A little illusion magic combined with a smoke spell might do the trick. She could slip out the door and then. . . stay exactly where she was because she had no way to teleport. Ok, how about faking amnesia? That always worked in anime and video games, and surely she was a good enough actress to be convincing?! She might not have done much acting herself, but she once wrote a play and she was best friends with Rarity! Yes, that was it! She'd just act like she had no idea where or who she was, and of course Jack would take her in. He'd slowly nurse her back to health, making her meals, tending to her every need and slowly reminding her of who she was. Then one night, she'd have a scary dream about her mysterious past, and crawl into Jack's bed. He'd put his arms around her and hold her close as she snuggled as close to him as possible. She'd feel him get excited, but she wouldn't mind, and she'd reach down with her hoof and-.

"Boop!" Jack declared, as he gently tapped Twilight's nose with his index finger. Instantly snapping her out of her increasingly out of control fantasy. Twilight gave a very marely and not-adorable-in-any-way-thank-you cry of surprise, -that was absolutely not a Fluttershy-like squeak -shut up- and scrunched up her muzzle in a manner she would later insist was meant to be intimidating. Jack meanwhile, had to bite his tongue to keep a straight face, while reminding himself that it would be completely inappropriate -not to mention extremally hazardous to his long term health- to grab Twilight and start cuddling her. Though for a moment, in his head, he weighed the benefits of a few seconds of cuddle bliss as compared to the consequences of magical vaporization. Restraint eventually won out, but it was a near thing.

"You know, some mares would break your legs for booping them without consent." She declared flatly. Jack simply chuckled.

"Relax, it was for science." He declared innocently. Twilight couldn't help but guffaw loudly at that, before smirking while arching an eyebrow. Her nerves rapidly untensing as she realized Jack didn't seem upset at all.

"Oh?" She asked.

"Yeah. My hypothesis was that Twilight Sparkle had inexplicably appeared in my apartment. So I evaluated the evidence and devised an experiment to test my hypothesis." Twilight's smirk widened.

"And what has your experiment shown?" She asked with a slight giggle. Jack made a big show of stroking his chin and trying to look scholarly. Putting on a hilariously pompous British accent as he replied.

"Via the scientifically applied process of 'booping', we have acquired data that suggests very strongly that Twilight Sparkle is indeed in my apartment. Regrettably, we may never know for certain. As I do not believe the experiment will be repeatable due to being unwilling to sacrifice my appendages." Twilight struggled not to laugh as she replied.

"Oh? But what if you were to receive permission to perform the experiment again?" Jack put on an expression of abject horror.

"But that would not properly replicate the experiment! Being given permission would change the conditions! The whole experiment could destabilize! Good god mare! It could get us all killed!"

Twilight burst out laughing, unable to restrain herself in the face of Jack's abjectly absurd comedy act. However, soon enough, the laughter died down, and as the nervousness from before started to creep back in, the pause stretched into another awkward silence. Eventually, Jack spoke again.

"So. . . not that this isn't fun but. . . how and why exactly are you here? I mean, knew you wanted to visit, but not so much that I thought you'd track me down and break into my apartment." Jack's tone was lighthearted, but it instantly filled Twilight with a combination of shame and anger. Shame that she had violated Jack's privacy and trust -however unwillingly- and anger that Cadence had put her in this position. Sister in law or not, the next time Twilight saw that mare they were going to have words! Long, pointed, words! That may or may not be wreathed in arcane fire!

"I uh. . ." Twilight hesitated for a moment before deciding to just go with the truth. "Would you believe it was Cadence's fault?" She asked sheepishly.

"Easily." Jack deadpanned with a frown. "Much as I adore our resident love guru, that mare has a crazy streak a mile wide. She's like if if a Disney Princess got crossed with a rouge CIA operative. Come to think of it. . . kinda feels like everypony in the royal family is like that to one degree or another. Present company excluded." Twilight opened her mouth to protest, only to stop as she recalled the prank war that had recently erupted between the royal sisters over what had happened with Celestia's first crush over fifteen hundred years ago. Last she checked, Luna had seized the royal bakery and used magic to make every cake in Canterlot taste like asparagus. While in retaliation, Celestia had enchanted the stars in the night sky to spell out 'LUNA STINKS', which had seriously interfered with Twilight's astronomy and astromancy studies for the last few days. Clearing her throat, Twilight replied as nonchalantly as she could.

"It's not that bad. But yeah, Cadence apparently got tired of me complaining about not being able to visit you and decided the best solution was to ambush me, seal away my teleportation magic, and then rip an interdimensional hole into your apartment and shove me through." Jack gave Twilight a look of faint incredulity.

"Out of curiosity, what precisely is the metric you're using that any of that qualifies as quote: 'not that bad'?" Twilight responded with a shrug.

"When you get attacked by supervillains, monsters, and megalomaniacs every few months for ten years, you start having a pretty high bar for things being considered 'bad'." Jack opened his mouth, only to realize he couldn't really argue with that.

"Fair enough I suppose. Anyway, Cadence's crazy scheming aside, it is pretty amazing to actually meet you in person. Though I do kinda' wish I'd been wearing pants for the occasion." That comment rather unsubtly reminded Twilight of the fact that Jack had been standing there in nothing but a towel for this entire exchange. Setting her thoughts to the urgent task of screaming: "Don'tblushdon'tblushdon'tblush! FOR THE LOVE OF CELESTIA DON'T BLUSH WHEN HE'S LOOKING RIGHT AT YOU!!"

"Eeeup." Was Twilight's eloquent reply. To which Jack nodded.

"Well, anyway, feel free to make yourself at home while I get changed into something that isn't terrycloth. There should be some fruits and veggies in the fridge if you're hungry, wifi password is your name just without a space between 'Twilight' and 'Sparkle' and please don't ask why that is, I told you when we met that I'm a hopeless fanboy." Twilight laughed at that.

"Any house rules?" She asked cheekily as Jack entered his room.

"Yeah: don't look at my search history." He shot back as he shut the door. Twilight just smiled and shook her head in reply.

As Twilight worked on making herself comfortable, Jack discarded his façade of cool and nonchalance in favor of, in the parlance of the educated: 'completely losing his shit'. Twilight Sparkle, thee Twilight Sparkle, his dream-pony idol/fantasy, had been magically transported to his shitty, ordinary, painfully middle class nerd-cave of an apartment. Worse than that, she had arrived just in time to catch him coming out of the bathroom in nothing but a fuck-mothering towel! If he thought he could have gotten away with screaming in a combination of horror and frustration without Twilight noticing Jack would have happily done so, terrified neighbors be damned!

"And to put the absolute turd icing on this shit-cake, she saw my goddamn face! I mean, ok, I don't think she recognized me, so that's a start, and she didn't run away screaming which is a plus, but still!!" Jack's mental rant ran through his head like an out of control semi truck as he staggered around his room looking for something anything to wear that was appropriate for greeting royalty. "Mandalorian T-shirt? No. D&D T-shirt? No. Warhammer 40,000 Slaanesh T-shirt? Hell no! Rick and Morty shirt? Not in a million years! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Why the hell don't you own a suit Jack?!"

+Because you're a nerdy shut-in who's spent nearly ten years hiding in your apartment Jack!+

"Well now what the fuck am I supposed to do?!"

+C'mon, Twilight is chill, I'm sure Cadence meant this whole thing to be casual.+

"THERE'S NOTHING CASUAL ABOUT A VISIT FROM ROYALTY!!"

Eventually Jack found a clean black polo shirt and some khakis, they were old and barely fit but they were literally the nicest things he owned, as far as clothing went anyway. Glancing around and then remembering that his bedroom -which suddenly seemed entirely too messy- had no mirror, thus it was that he froze with his pants halfway on, wondering if he should mess his hair up a bit or leave it slicked back. Not that it mattered, as once it dried it would return to its usual state of just doing whatever it wanted. "Should I put on cologne?!"

+You don't own any cologne Jack.+

"Should I grow a beard?!"

+Ok, one: half your face is missing, two: how the hell are you going to grow a beard in the next fifteen seconds?+

"I don't know! But I need to do something that's Twilight Sparkle out there!"

+Whom you have known and been friends with for nearly two months now, it isn't that big a deal.+

"WHAT THE FUCK WOULD YOU KNOW YOU'RE JUST ME TALKING BACK TO MYSELF?!!"

+Yes, which means at least some part of you understands that Twilight isn't expecting you to turn into Prince Charming, and that being yourself is the best option.+

"MYSELF LOOKS LIKE HE LOST A FIGHT WITH A SHOTGUN!!"

+Isn't that more or less what happened?+

"EXACTLY! So We're agreed that I need to figure out how to be Twilight's Prince Charming."

+. . . Yeah fuck this, I'm out. Come find yourself when you're done being crazy.+

"Hey! Hey get the fuck back here! DESERTERS WILL BE HANGED!!"

+Tell it to my perfectly sculpted metaphorical ass as it walks into your subconscious.+

As Jack was castigating himself in a manner disturbingly adjacent to a psychotic break, Twilight had her own concerns. "Wow, I honestly thought just showing up here would have made Jack angry, or at least freaked him out a little, but he really took it in stride. Suddenly a dreamy smile appeared on Twilight's face, as her inner voice changed to a more lilting tone.

+He reminds me of Leon Kennedy in RE4, cool under pressure, razor sharp wit, and so hot he could melt ice by standing next to it!+ Twilight blinked, a little surprised at herself.

"Heh, c'mon Twilight, Jack's not some action hero from a game, he's a real person."

+Then again, those scars of his really make him look the part, plus he keeps himself in shape. I bet he'd be a total badass in a zombie apocalypse!+

"Settle down girl, just because somecreature has a few scars doesn't make them a super hero."

+Oh come on! Tell me you couldn't see him by your side in Raccoon City, kicking flank and taking names! You could be his Ada Wong! Only you wouldn't stab him in the back, or stop at just a kiss. . .+ Twilight felt her face heat up as she tried to reign in her imagination.

"His scars aren't a decoration! Plus he's already sensitive about them, thinking about them like they're some sort of cosplay accessory is wrong, no matter how cool they make him look! Although. . . they really do work for him. I mean once you get over the initial shock they actually look kinda. . . hot."

+Exactly my point! They look hot and he's self conscious about them! What better way to help him with that than admitting you have a scar fetish?!+ At that point in her internal debate Twilight felt her entire face flare red.

"It's not a fetish I just think his scars make him look interesting!"

+Don't you mean 'attractive'? Admit it, him looking like a supervillain get's your motor running way faster than if he was some preppy Prince Charming.+

"Ok seriously, what the hay is wrong with me that I'm debating this with myself?"

+Oh we both know the answer to that: you're a thirty three year old mare who spent years shoving every sexual desire she ever had into her subconscious in favor of her career and academics. Frankly, if you don't get laid soon you might well. . . you remember the Smarty Pants incident right?+

"So. . . what? If it doesn't work out with Jack I'll cast a want-it-need-it spell on myself and just attack him?! I'd never do that! Jack is my friend, not a sex object!"

+Well not with that attitude.+

"Not with ANY attitude! I'm not some disgusting rapist!"

+Well, yeah, you totally radiate bottom energy, obviously you'd never do that. Plus: 'friend'? Let's not lie to yourself honey, we both know you didn't come here to just be 'friends'.+

"Was my inner voice always this disturbingly sassy?" Twilight muttered to herself.

Deciding she didn't really want to dwell on that, Twilight distracted herself by looking over Jack's impressive collection of books and games. Most of his books seemed to be Warhammer 40,000 novels, and various comics, but there were also quite a few on academic subjects. Military history, nanotechnology, nature guides, and more. In addition, Twilight found a large quantity of books that dealt with a number of strange or esoteric subjects. Mysticism, cryptography, psychological warfare, herbalism, and even things like the Anarchist's Cookbook and a slightly disturbing book about the history of torture. Frankly, if Twilight hadn't known Jack as well as she did, some of these books would have had her seriously questioning his sanity.

Fortunately, Jack had freely mentioned one or two of the odder books in his collection to Twilight already. Literature was a frequent topic of conversation for them, and during one particular debate about Human vs Equestrian publications Jack had brought up some of these unnerving titles as examples of writing and documentation unique to humans, for better or worse. He hesitantly had explained that most of them he had acquired during an "edgy phase" he'd gone through as a teen.

Jack's game library was less surprising, but no less expansive. RPG's, shooters, and strategy games of all types, Jack had tons of each. From Final Fantasy to Silent Hill, from Halo to Command and Conquer, from Doom to Xcom, Jack had a bonanza of popular and cult gems. Some of the lesser known ones included Darksector, Bulletstorm, The Suffering, Blood Omen 2, and Disgea 2: Cursed Memories. Most of these titles Twilight had already played, but a few she had only heard of, as they were hard to find in Equestria. She also didn't see much in the way of fighting, racing or sports titles, but then, Jack had always said he never cared for them.

"See anything you like?" Twilight had been perusing a number of original Xbox titles, only to jump into the air with a loud squeak at the unexpected reminder that she was not alone in the apartment. As she struggled to return her heart rate to normal, Jack let out a little chuckle. "You know, for a mare who fights off cataclysmic threats to her kingdom as often as you do, you're awfully jumpy." Twilight gave Jack an annoyed look.

"Getting kidnapped by a changeling infiltrator in your own home will do that to you." She shot back. At that Jack arched an eyebrow.

"Don't you have like. . . legions of human and pony guards protecting you at all times?" He asked, recalling the last time he'd seen Twilight on an official visit to the human world on TV. Twilight rolled her eyes.

"That's only when I'm visiting Earth officially. Nocreature knows I'm here, not to mention the kidnapping happened before I even knew Earth existed. Back home I keep pretty minimal security, I like my privacy. Besides, if I can't handle something attacking me, it's not very likely that a few guards will make a difference." Jack shrugged.

"Guess that makes sense. So, back to my original question." Here Jack gestured at the shelf full of games. "Anything catch your eye?" Twilight stared at the shelf for a few seconds with a scrutinizing gaze, before levitating one of the game boxes out and over to Jack.

"Brute Force." Jack read aloud as he grabbed the box. "Haven't played this one in awhile." Twilight smiled.

"Look's like it's up to four players. . . teach me?" Jack just grinned.

Cadance hummed a happy tune to herself as she perused Twilight's extensive library. It had been a few hours since she had sent Twilight off on her involuntary romantic getaway, and now was seeing to her own relaxation. Spike was in the kitchen making lunch, and she had just gotten back from the spa. Much as she loved being a mother, wife, streamer, gamer, princess, matchmaker, and demi-goddess, she honestly was grateful to have a weekend to just veg and do nothing.

Making a selection Cadance headed for an overstuffed armchair to settle in for a bit of light afternoon reading, followed swiftly by a nap. No sooner had she turned the first page however, than the front doorbell rang. Cadance briefly considered letting Spike get it, but became suddenly curious. Twilight had told Cadance that she had informed all her friends that she would be busy that weekend, and the School of Friendship was closed for summer break. Starlight and her friends weren't around, and Spike would have told her if he was expecting visitors.

Igniting her horn, Cadance teleported to the entryway just as the bell rang for the second time. Not thinking anything of it, she threw open the door. As she surveyed the handsome stallion and the young foal in his arms Cadance's emotions did several fascinating gymnastics. Surprise performed a standing jump, cartwheeled into confusion, backflipped into momentary delight, before transitioning into an elaborate roll of trepidation that ended in a painful crash into the hitherto unnoticed balance beam of absolute panic. At the sight of a smiling Shining Armor and cooing Flurry Heart.

"SURPRISE!!" Shining declared, as Cadance struggled not to let so much as a hint of her feelings show on her face.

Cadance loved her husband. Simple as that. He was honestly the only Stallion she could ever imagine herself with. He was handsome, kind, thoughtful, caring, a wonderful father, and a true partner to her. She had had countless stallions, mares, men and women from across two worlds make eyes at her even after she was married. Wherever she went, they would try in vain to impress her. Lavishing her with gifts and compliments and showing off in every way conceivable. Be it through a toned muscular physique, immense wealth, or political power. Some were deep, most were shallow, and all were completely wasting their time. Because compared to her Shining, other suitors were so lackluster they may as well have been tacky lawn ornaments that had somehow acquired the power of speech. Shining truly was Cadance's one and only true love. He was also damn good in bed, which came in handy when your job was as stressful as hers was.

Unfortunately, there was no such thing as a perfect pony. And while Cadance would declare under pain of death that Shining Armor was as close to perfect as a lover and partner could get. . . he wasn't flawless. And unfortunately, if Cadence had to point to his biggest flaw, it was how overprotective he could be toward his sister about certain things. More specifically: her relationships with the opposite sex.

Most of the time, Shining treated his sister like the capable adult mare she was. However, say one word about a stallion being in her life, and suddenly Shining acted like his sister was still a filly. He maintained that Twilight wasn't old enough for a relationship, and would flip out at the mere suggestion that Twilight might have a special somepony in her life. Once, Twilight had bought a book while visiting them in the Crystal Empire, and the bookseller had winked at Twilight in front of Shining. It had been meant as a friendly gesture, but in response, Shining had growled, actually growled, at the bookseller like an angry timberwolf. And when he found out about Flash Sentry, it had taken Cadance and Twilight combined to stop him marching into the Canterlot barracks and committing a murder.

The situation was not at all helped by the fact that Shining was a little suspicious of humans. He didn't hate them, heck it would be a severe stretch to even say he disliked them. Unfortunately, he was a military stallion, and humanity's history didn't exactly lend itself to a positive impression from a threat assessment standpoint. Never mind that even the weakest pony could out-muscle a human by a country mile, or that most humans seemed to have a natural instinct to be savagely protective of ponykind. Because as far as Shining was concerned, humanity was too dangerous and unpredictable not to look at with pragmatic suspicion. Which did no favors to Cadance's current predicament.

"SHINY!" Cadance greeted, hoping her joy didn't sound nearly as manufactured to her husband as it did to her. "What are you doing here?! I thought you were going to hang out with your friends at the castle this weekend?" Shining shrugged.

"Had to cancel. Their train from Manehatten had to turn back because the rails were damaged by a Tazelworm Migration. Apparently it happens every few hundred years. What are the odds right?" Cadance called upon a lifetime of diplomatic training to force a genuine looking smile to her face.

"That does sound pretty crazy." She remarked, with a laugh that she prayed to Celestia above didn't sound nervous.

"So I decided to grab Flurry Heart, hop on the train to Ponyville, and surprise you." Shining declared with a winning smile, that on any other day would have earned him a kiss just because.

"Well, I certainly am surprised." Cadence declared, her mind racing.

"So where's Twilight?" Shining asked, glancing past Cadance and into the castle. "I thought you said the two of you were gonna hang out together?"

"Uh, friendship emergency!" Cadance stated, just a little too loud. Shining chuckled at that.

"Yeah that sounds about right. I hope at least she won't be gone too long?" Cadance immediately pounced on the opportunity. Adopting a slightly forlorn tone as she replied.

"I don't know." She declared with a heavy sigh. "Honestly it sounded pretty bad, I was actually worried it might just be me and Spike my whole visit." Instantly Shining's expression turned sympathetic.

"Really?! That's terrible! I'm so sorry honey, I know how much you were looking forward to this." Cadance waved away her husband's concern, pretending to hide her pain.

"It's fine, you and Flurry are here now." She stated as she planted a kiss on Flurry Heart's nose, instantly making her giggle excitedly. "I'm sure we'll find something fun to do." Here, to fully seal the deal, she shot Shining a highly suggestive smirk. "I already have some ideas." She purred softly, instantly making Shining blush. "Come on in."

As they crossed the vestibule, levitating Shining and Flurry's Luggage, Candence fell slightly behind, heading toward the door leading to the kitchen. "I need to get to Spike and warn him before-." Before Cadance could finish her thought, the door opened, revealing Spike. Unable to see Shining and Flurry past Cadance, he immediately spoke up.

"Oh, hey Cadance, lunch is ready. By the way, how long do you think Twilight's gonna spend on Earth? I know you can't rush romance, but if her date doesn't wrap up before Monday morning she might miss her costume fitting with Rarity. I know you guy's are all planning to cosplay for the big tournament with Trixie and her team."

Cadance loved Spike, he was arguably the best brother in law a mare could ask for. He was kind, thoughtful, steadfast, loyal, and an all around gentledrake. He was a hero to her empire, an exemplar of friendship, and a genuine delight. As a sister in law, she would rather be impaled on a pike than see him come to harm. However, as a mare whose weeks of carefully laid planning had likely just been unintentionally burned to ashes by him, she was finding it very hard not to strangle him.

Fortunately Cadance wasn't given the chance to act on her frustrations. As in a flash of magic, she found herself several feet to the right of where she had just been, holding a giggling Flurry Heart. Spike meanwhile, felt himself frozen with terror, as a genuinely unhinged looking Shining Armor glared balefully down at him.

"I'm sorry. . ." Shining began, in a voice that sounded no saner than his expression looked. "but where did you say my baby sister was?" Cadance sighed, as she readied the most powerful sleep spell she knew.

Ere We Go

Tex steadied his breathing as he pressed his back to the wall. In his hands, his chain gun leaked smoke from its barrels as the sound of gunfire and bullet ricochets filled his ears. Fighting terrorists on a backwater world with no backup and little hope of survival? Just another glorious day in Brute Force Squad. Moving out from behind the Building, Tex opened fire. Hosing the collection of storage crates and empty fuel barrels with a steady stream of lead. The traitor soldiers hiding among the detritus of their base were forced to dive behind their cover or else be reduced to a red smear by the fury of Tex's assault.

One however, was just a hair too slow. His scream of pain cut short, as his body was blown apart by the unrelenting force of seven thousand rounds per minute. Laughing like a madman, Tex hurled a grenade into the now thoroughly shredded cover. Cries of "Grenade!" were just barely audible above the roar of the chain gun and Tex's unhinged laughter. A split second later, an explosion sent several screaming bodies hurtling out from behind a large stack of steel beams, all in varying states of dismemberment. Walking forward, Tex pulled a second gatling gun from his back as red clouded his vision.

Turning toward an oncoming group of former soldiers, Tex's laughter became ever more maniacal as he scythed them down. Their limbs sent spinning away as the hail of bullets cut them apart in sprays of gore. Tex felt magnificent, as he walked further into the enemy base. His blood pounding in his veins, the beat seemingly in time with his every kill. Bullets impacted his armor, but he barely noticed amid the familiar rush of adrenalin. This was why he loved this job! Not because of duty, or morals, or even the paycheck, no. He did this because there was no greater high than striding through the battlefield like an almighty god! Spewing death with both hands as the enemy feebly tried to-(click).

Tex's battle fury came to an abrupt end as the forces of the universe once more chose to remind him of how shit his luck was. With the all too familiar sound of his ammo reserves running out. Swearing angrily, Tex ran back into cover. Hurried along by the veritable flood of enemy soldiers, popping out from behind cover for some nice juicy revenge.

"Fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-FUUUUCK!" Tex shouted, as he leapt over a pile of old tires, to land flat on his face. Throwing aside his now useless primary weapons, Tex switched to his backup, an assault rifle he'd grabbed off a dead soldier, as he rolled into cover. Definitely not his preferred weapon, but he'd make it work. Shouldering the rifle, Tex fired over the top of the tire pile. Only to be answered with a far more significant barrage of bullets and plasma. "I used to have TEAMMATES!" Tex roared into his comm, as he threw a gas grenade blindly in the direction of the enemy. The response, in a woman's voice, dripped sarcasm.

"And I used to be able to complete missions without having to level every structure over five inches tall. Change happens." Tex let out a snarl of annoyance, as a hail of bullets blew dozens of divots into the ground next to him, the foul smell of burning rubber letting him know that his cover wouldn't last much longer.

"Flint, if the last thing I hear on this mission is one of your jokes I'm gonna be pissed!" Tex snapped, as he fired off a few more shots over the top of his, now very much on fire, hiding place.

"Hold that thought." Flint replied, just before a sniper shot took the head from a soldier that had tried to rush Tex's position. "That's better." She declared cheerfully. "Just hang on big guy. Backup's headed your way." Tex was about to ask, 'what backup' when a bestial roar cut through the sound of weapons fire. Tex felt himself grin, as a scaly green blur with glowing red eyes, shot past his position.

"Well. . . now I just feel sorry for those poor bastards." Tex remarked with a grim chuckle. As the gunfire lessened amid panicked shouting, followed swiftly by screaming. Slamming a new magazine into place, Tex leaned out from behind his hiding place. Even as inured to gratuitous violence as he was, Tex winced. As he watched the crocodilian humanoid that was his teammate split a man nearly in half with a swipe of his claws. Blood and viscera showering down around him, as the figure pulled his Cutter rifle from his back and shot three terror stricken men into pieces. "Jeeze Brutus, leave some for the rest of-." Tex halted mid sentence as he heard the sound of a weapon being cocked nearby. "Aw, shit." He stated, as the terrorist whom had just rounded the corned of a nearby building, aimed his rifle at Tex from near point blank range.

In his head, the world seemed to slow around Tex as he considered his options. Dodging was out, there was no way he'd be fast enough even if he wasn't a roided-out beefcake carrying enough military hardware to take down a small army. Shooting his assailant was also out, he'd never get his gun into position before being riddled with bullets. He couldn't run for the same reason he couldn't dodge, and there was fuck-all cover between him and his soon-to-be executioner. No matter how you looked at it, this sorry excuse for a backwater pirate had lucked into having Tex dead to rights.

"Don't suppose there's any way we could talk this out? I don't mind being cloned, but Hawk's 'I told you so's' are the worst." The masked soldier didn't answer as he raised his rifle to his shoulder. Only to fall to the ground in several steaming pieces, as a brilliantly glowing crescent of energy carved through him from behind. A moment later, the air shimmered, as a short attractive redhead with a superior smirk appeared seemingly out of thin air. Holstering her energy blade as she offered her hand to Tex.

"If you don't like my lectures, maybe you should try not dying." Hawk remarked, her tone amused despite its clipped professionalism.

"Yeah, yeah." Tex replied with a grin as he allowed his teammate to help him to his feet. "I'll keep that in mind. What's our status?" Tex's question was neatly punctuated by a screaming terrorist running as fast as he could from the direction Brutus had gone, before being blown off his feet by a sniper shot to his center mass.

"Well, given that by my estimations that was the last survivor, I'd say our status is: all wrapped up and ready to extract." Tex chuckled in response. Just as a dark skinned woman carrying a sniper rifle walked out from behind a junked starship hull pockmarked with bullet holes.

"Too bad. I was just starting to hit my stride." Flint remarked, as she sauntered forward.

"Indeed. Much glory has been won by our pack." Stated a deep growling voice. As Brutus arrived, his claws, head and front covered in blood. Tex nodded as he activated his comms with a grin.

"Alright then. Braton, beam us up." He stated. A moment later, the four members of Brute Force discorporated into motes of light amid rings of shining blue white energy.

Back in Jack's apartment, the mission end screen appeared on his TV, tallying his and Twilight's score. A perfect 12,000 out of 12,000. Leaning back on his couch, Jack grinned at his partner. His damaged face turning the friendly expression into what most would have considered a ghastly leer. Twilight however, just smiled back.

"Gotta say, I didn't think you'd wanna play Brutus and Tex." Jack remarked as he saved the game. Twilight arched an eyebrow.

"Oh? Why's that?" Jack shrugged.

"They're blunt instruments. They charge the enemy and blow them apart. With how smart you are, I just figured you'd naturally gravitate to a more tactical playstyle?" Twilight did her best to hide her blush at the compliment.

"Usually I would. But sometimes it's just fun to be a mindless juggernaut. It's kinda relaxing not having to think up a strategy beyond: 'obliterate everything in front of you'." Jack nodded.

"I can get behind that. Half the reason I play Beastmen is because they don't require a lot of thought. Wonton destruction has a weird Zen to it sometimes." Twilight nodded as she levitated her controller off to the side.

"So, what now?" She asked.

Jack did his best not to flinch at the question. Honestly, he'd been hoping to avoid it for as long as possible by keeping Twilight wrapped up in the game. It seemed however, that after three hours of play, that that was no longer an option. Jack's head whirled as he tried to think of something other than games to offer as an activity. Unconsciously reaching for his face as he cursed the series of events that all but forbade him from venturing outside. The small city he lived in was a smorgasbord of activities and restaurants, and the fact that he couldn't do any of them, while it had never bothered him before, now felt like the death knell of every dream he'd ever had.

Who was he kidding? Twilight was a Princess who could hang out with anycreature she wanted. What's more she loved to explore and acquire new knowledge and experiences. Why in the name of Celestia would she want to hang out in his apartment for her entire stay? Honestly, Jack and Twilight's friendship had been on borrowed time ever since they met. Every second ticking down to the moment Jack admitted to her that he'd never be able to take her on a proper da-adventure! Adventure was definitely the proper word! Not that 'D' word that was absolutely not going to happen because Twilight was a Princess whom could pick any male she wanted on two worlds for that so why would Jack even get his hopes up?

"Say, Jack?" Twilight spoke hesitantly. Oh, yeah here it was. The moment Twilight would suggest they leave the apartment, and Jack would have to say 'no' and they'd drift apart because he couldn't interact with her the way she deserved. Taking a deep breath, Jack braced himself.

"Yeah, Twilight?" Now it was Twilight's turn to take a deep breath. What she was about to suggest was unimaginably perilous. If she miscalculated it could end her and Jack's relationship before it even began! Steeling herself, she spoke as casually as she could, exerting every ounce of her will to avoid stuttering or allowing her tone to waver.

"Well. . . I'd really like to go out with you. Er-outside I mean! Certainly not on a date or anything like that! N-not that I don't think you're attractive! I just know you're uncomfortable going out and-." Stopping herself, Twilight inhaled deeply, motioning with her hoof toward herself before exhaling as she gestured in the opposite direction as if brushing away her stress. Once she had completed the motion, Twilight spoke in a calm measured tone. "What I'm trying to ask is: would you be comfortable going out if I used an illusion to mask your appearance?" Jack turned to stare at Twilight in apparent shock. Instantly causing every insecurity she'd just tamed to come roaring back.

"Oh no! He thinks I'm saying that he's ugly and don't want to be seen with him! Stupid Twilight! Why did you say that?! You could have just kept playing games with your crush and everything would have been FINE! But noooo, you had to be greedy and ask for something you KNEW he wasn't comfortable with and now he's going to hate-."

"THAT WOULD BE AWESOME!" Jack blurted out. Causing Twilight's train of thought to derail, crash into a fuel depot, and be incinerated in an explosive conflagration that could be seen from space. "Can you really do that?!" He asked, his expression as joyous as a foal on their first Hearthswarming as he placed his hands on Twilight's shoulders. Just as quickly however, he removed said hands as though he'd been burned and cleared his throat. "I mean. . . is that really an option?" Twilight, as soon as she was able to reorient her thoughts, resisted the urge to whoop in triumph. As she did her best to play it cool.

"Sure. The spell is a pretty simple one. I can make you look more or less however you want for as long as you want." Jack's smile would have likely scared the living daylights out of anycreature else, but Twilight could only feel her heart skip a beat as he replied.

"Let's do it."

Jack did not live in a big city. It was still a city, regardless of how much some might argue otherwise, but it was extremely small. Situated along the coast in the Northeastern US it had only three or four giant office buildings to its name, and none tall enough to qualify as a true skyscraper. Nevertheless it was a city, with crowded streets flanked by four or five story brick buildings containing apartments or office space from the second floor up, and various shops and restaurants at street level. Built some two hundred odd years ago, it had evolved to become a city with all the attractions of New York or Boston but with the general peace and quiet of the average small town.

All this ultimately meant that, while it saw more than its fair share of tourists, Equestrians were rare. Which meant that when Twilight, an honest to Celestia alicorn Princess and one of the most famous ponies in two universes, stepped out into the light of day, it caused a bit of a stir. It was slow at first, a shocked glance here, an open mouthed stare there. Thankfully Jack's apartment was in one of the nicer neighborhoods on the outskirts of the city center, so there was a good deal less foot traffic. The instant she reached the main thoroughfare of the city though, things dramatically intensified.

Glances and whispers turned to full-on stares and pointing. While shocked expressions became people scrambling to take photos and approach for autographs. Then the press arrived. The screeching of tires and honking of horns precipitated the appearance of dozens of reporters, some with camera crews in tow, surrounding Twilight and jamming microphones in her face demanding answers to half shouted questions. Why was she here? Was there an emergency? Was the United States finally joining the Alliance? What was her favorite flavor of smoothy? Was the government aware she was here?

Twilight, used to this as she was, honestly cursed herself for not adopting a disguise of her own. She had been so excited about finally going out on a proper date -even if they weren't calling it that- with Jack that she had completely forgotten about her outsized social status. Speaking of, where was Jack? They had gotten separated in the ensuing rush, and now she couldn't see him. Her answer, when it came, would go down in Twilight's memory as one of the most entertaining moments of her life.

"ZOG OFF YA' GITS!!" Spoke a gruff, and extremely bestial sounding voice, as a familiar figure shoved and elbowed his way to get in front of Twilight. Instantly, the entire crowd of reporters turned to look at the man whom had placed himself squarely between the Princess and them. To Twilight, the man looked the same as he had back at her apartment, scars and all. To the crowd however, he looked like an athletically muscled, square jawed figure with jet black hair in a crewcut. Wearing jeans, a black T-shirt and a pair of black sneakers. And, as he began addressing the reporters, Twilight found herself having to bite the inside of her cheek nearly to the point of bleeding to avoid bursting out laughing. "Dis 'ere ain't no zoggen picture show! Wot?! Ain'cher nevah seen a Princess before?!" The reporters staggered back for a second, as the brutish looking man stared at them with an angry expression.

"I'm sorry. Who are you?" Asked a female reporter with an obvious note of disdain. Instantly the man fixed her with a look like she had just said something particularly insulting about his mother.

"Oo am I? OOO AM I?!! YOU LOT ZOGGIN SERIOUS?!!" He roared, instantly causing the reporter to take a step back. "I'M DA BOSS A DA BOSSES! DA GIT WIF ALLLLL DA DAKKA! DA BIGGEST MEANEST DEAD 'ARDEST LAD DIS SIDE OF DA MOUNTAINS! I'M THEE GRIMGORE -BLACK FIST- IRONHIDE!!" The surrounding reporters turned to each other, blinking in confusion.

"Who?" Asked a male reporter, clearly at a loss.

"Yeah, I've certainly never heard of you before." Remarked another suspiciously. To the concern of everyone save Twilight, whom was all but dying as she forced herself to keep a straight face, the man seemed to only grow more irate.

"ARE YOU GITS ZOGGEN SERIOUS?!! 'OW IN DA NAME A GORK DO YOU NOT KNOW ME?!!" He bellowed, spraying the reporters with spittle.

"Are you some kind of professional wrestler or something?" Asked another of the random gaggle of the press. Only to instantly start sweating as the clearly unhinged man got right up in his face with an expression of barely restrained fury.

"You makin' fun a me ya scrawny git?!" He growled in the back of his throat. His tone promising imminent violence.

"N-n-no." The poor reporter replied, clutching his notebook to his chest as he leaned away from the psychotic sounding figure who suddenly seemed to grow several inches taller.

"Good." The now hulking man replied in a low tone that sounded like a a stone block being crushed into gravel. "I'd hate ta have ta krump ya like the last gaggle a gits wot bothered my friend 'ere." He declared gesturing at Twilight, whom somehow was able to adopt a suitably relaxed, regal expression. As though merely mildly amused at her companion's antics.

"Now Grimmy, no need to terrorize the poor man. I'm sure he didn't mean any harm. Besides, that last group were coming at us with spears and jezails. I don't think a camera is quite on the same level." At that, every reporter present stared at Twilight with a goggle-eyed expression.

"Wait! So you really do know each other?!" Asked the original female reported, her tone one of stark disbelief. Twilight let out a demure giggle in reply.

"Why of course! Grimmy and I have been friends for years. He was a huge help when there was trouble in the badlands. He and his boys have worked with myself and the other Princesses on multiple occasions." The man 'Grimgore' nodded in agreement.

"Good times dat was! Like dat scrap we got into at Black Rock! You an Celly was on dah ridge, senden' da dakka down on dose ratty gits 'eads. While me and da boys got stuck in wif 'em. I still remembah when you blew da warlord up wit a fireball! 'Is 'ead went flyin'!" Here 'Grimgore' sniffed as he wiped a barely visible tear from his eye. "A ting a beauty dat was." At that Twilight chuckled fondly to the unconcealed nervousness of the various reporters.

"Well I had to do something to keep up after you took out those two Gray Seers. They hit you and the boys with that 'Cracks Call' spell and you all just walked it off like it was nothing!" As the man and pony shared a mutual laugh, one reporter spoke in a slightly doubtful voice.

"I've studied Equestria's geography pretty extensively, and I don't remember anyplace called 'Black Rock'?" Instantly Grimgore rounded on the man, all frivolity gone from his face.

"You lot callin' us liars?!" He snarled, his eyes bulging. Instantly the reporter's face went white. Suddenly noticing just how impressive Grimgore's musculature was. Did it get bulkier or was it just his imagination?

"N-no! Of course not! I-I'm sure I just read an out of date map!" He hastily declared. Grimgore held his gaze for a moment before nodding.

"Yeah. . . well anyway. You zoggers are interruptin' me an da Princess's day out! We was just off ta get a fungus beer, an den you 'umie gits up an ambushed uz!" Once more the female reporter spoke up in a tone of stark disbelief.

"Wait. . . do you mean to tell me that you and the Princess of Friendship are out on a date!" 'Grimgore' blinked in confusion at that.

"On a wot now?" He deadpanned, sounding suddenly lost. The reporter stared at the square jawed man before her in bafflement.

"A date? You know? A romantic liaison?" 'Grimgore' suddenly narrowed his gaze.

"A zoggin' wot? Lee-a-zon? Wot in da name a Mork izzat?! Dat some kinda new dakka I ain't 'eard about?" The reporter stared at the strange man, whom she was now convinced was completely insane, in disbelief.

"It's. . . you know? The birds and the bees?!" 'Grimgore' furrowed his brow as he frowned.

"Only birds an bees I evah seen belong to dat lot 'a pointy-eared forest gits. An me Luna an da boys burned der stupid big tree to da ground ages ago. Mighta' gone a bit ovaboard wit dat one, but eh, dey shoulden't a shot me favorite squig. Wot? Dey back fer anotha go? Cause I'm always ready fer da next WAAGH!" At this point the entire group of reporters started backing away from the clearly delusional madman as he roared the last word at full volume. However, one couldn't resist asking another question.

"What's a, sorry, a 'Waaa'?" Instantly 'Grimgore' stared at the man as though mortally offended.

"A wot? No no no ya zoggin git! It's WAAGH!" He clarified, shouting the word even louder then before. "Ya gotta say it wif con-convi-convic ah zog it! What's dat word Twilight?!" Twilight gave a beneficent smile.

"Conviction." She replied promptly.

"Roight, dat! Da WAAGH's not ta be disrespected! Ya eiver say it wif everfing ya got or ya don't say nuffing!" The reporter nodded, more to placate the obviously unstable man than because he understood.

"Ok but. . . what is it?" 'Grimgore' rolled his eyes as he replied.

"Zoggin runts dees days! Nevah heard a da WAAGH?! Dis iz why you gits need ta join da Alliance! Ya don't pay yer runtheards enuff teef an den before ya know it da runts ain't even nevah heard a da WAAGH! Next fing ya know dey don't even know ow ta club a stunty or da propah way ta kick a gobbo!" Here 'Grimgore' shook his head. "It's a roight shame wot's 'appinen ta dis country." Here though, 'Grimgore' suddenly shot the gaggle of reporters a disturbingly cheerful smile. "Well ta day's yer lucky day! Cause ol' uncle Grimgore is gonna show ya da propa way ta WAAGH! Just like my ol' runtheard showed me when I was a runt! First! Ya take a BIIIIIIG bref! Fill up ya insides wif all da air ya can!" Suiting actions to words, 'Grimgore' took a deep breath to demonstrate before letting it out and continuing.

"Now! Next fing! Ya get angry. An I'm talkin' REALLY angry! Like, ya just marched fer two weeks in da rain ta get ta a good scrap only ta find out when ya get der dat it was all some trick by da spiky pointy-ears and der aint nuffin der ta scrap wiv but a bunch of zoggin af dead umie farmers OO AIN'T EVEN GOT ANYFING GOOD TA DRINK!!! Like dat mad." The reporters stared at the unhinged and wildly gesturing man in a state of stupefaction as they tried and failed to decode his ranting. However 'Grimgore' was already continuing his instructions. "Den, ya start da chant. An while ya do, ya fink of all da smashin' and krumpin' yous gonna do when ya get hold a dem pointy-ear gits! Twilight! You wanna 'elp me show em?" Twilight, despite having to once more bite her cheek to avoid showing her true feelings, nodded.

"Of course Grimmy. Just like we did in Naggarond!" 'Grimgore smiled in reply.

"Oi! Dat takes me back. But yeah, just like dat! Ready?" As the reporters watched, half convinced they were hallucinating, Princess Twilight Sparkle and 'Grimgore' stood and faced each other before starting to chant.

"Ere we go, ere we go, ere we go, ere we go, ere we go, ere we go. . ." It started out just below the volume of normal speech, but swiftly grew in intensity.

"ERE WE GO, ERE WE GO, ERE WE GO, ERE WE GO, ERE WE GO, ERE WE GO. . ." Louder and louder the pair repeated the odd chant. Seeming to grow more agitated with every passing second.

"ERE WE GO, ERE WE GO, ERE WE GO, ERE WE GO, ERE WE GO, ERE WE GO. . ." Now the pair were positively roaring the words, stamping their feet and hooves in time with it.

"ERE WE GO, ERE WE GO, ERE WE GO, ERE WE GO, ERE WE GO, ERE WE GO. . ." On and on the chant went, building and building as the reporters grew more and more worried, till finally. . .

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!" The explosive force of the battlecry rattled windows for hundreds of feet and brought the whole city to a standstill as the citizens turned their heads this way and that wondering where the berserk hoard of Vikings that clearly were attacking were. By the time the last echo's of the thunderous shout had faded Twilight and Jack were alone on the street. Barely able to stand as they leaned against each other absolutely howling with laughter. As the last of the news vans peeled away with screeching tires in a cloud of metaphorical dust.