Total War: Ponyhammer

Tex steadied his breathing as he pressed his back to the wall. In his hands, his chain gun leaked smoke from its barrels as the sound of gunfire and bullet ricochets filled his ears. Fighting terrorists on a backwater world with no backup and little hope of survival? Just another glorious day in Brute Force Squad. Moving out from behind the Building, Tex opened fire. Hosing the collection of storage crates and empty fuel barrels with a steady stream of lead. The traitor soldiers hiding among the detritus of their base were forced to dive behind their cover or else be reduced to a red smear by the fury of Tex's assault.

One however, was just a hair too slow. His scream of pain cut short, as his body was blown apart by the unrelenting force of seven thousand rounds per minute. Laughing like a madman, Tex hurled a grenade into the now thoroughly shredded cover. Cries of "Grenade!" were just barely audible above the roar of the chain gun and Tex's unhinged laughter. A split second later, an explosion sent several screaming bodies hurtling out from behind a large stack of steel beams, all in varying states of dismemberment. Walking forward, Tex pulled a second gatling gun from his back as red clouded his vision.

Turning toward an oncoming group of former soldiers, Tex's laughter became ever more maniacal as he scythed them down. Their limbs sent spinning away as the hail of bullets cut them apart in sprays of gore. Tex felt magnificent, as he walked further into the enemy base. His blood pounding in his veins, the beat seemingly in time with his every kill. Bullets impacted his armor, but he barely noticed amid the familiar rush of adrenalin. This was why he loved this job! Not because of duty, or morals, or even the paycheck, no. He did this because there was no greater high than striding through the battlefield like an almighty god! Spewing death with both hands as the enemy feebly tried to-(click).

Tex's battle fury came to an abrupt end as the forces of the universe once more chose to remind him of how shit his luck was. With the all too familiar sound of his ammo reserves running out. Swearing angrily, Tex ran back into cover. Hurried along by the veritable flood of enemy soldiers, popping out from behind cover for some nice juicy revenge.

"Fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-FUUUUCK!" Tex shouted, as he leapt over a pile of old tires, to land flat on his face. Throwing aside his now useless primary weapons, Tex switched to his backup, an assault rifle he'd grabbed off a dead soldier, as he rolled into cover. Definitely not his preferred weapon, but he'd make it work. Shouldering the rifle, Tex fired over the top of the tire pile. Only to be answered with a far more significant barrage of bullets and plasma. "I used to have TEAMMATES!" Tex roared into his comm, as he threw a gas grenade blindly in the direction of the enemy. The response, in a woman's voice, dripped sarcasm.

"And I used to be able to complete missions without having to level every structure over five inches tall. Change happens." Tex let out a snarl of annoyance, as a hail of bullets blew dozens of divots into the ground next to him, the foul smell of burning rubber letting him know that his cover wouldn't last much longer.

"Flint, if the last thing I hear on this mission is one of your jokes I'm gonna be pissed!" Tex snapped, as he fired off a few more shots over the top of his, now very much on fire, hiding place.

"Hold that thought." Flint replied, just before a sniper shot took the head from a soldier that had tried to rush Tex's position. "That's better." She declared cheerfully. "Just hang on big guy. Backup's headed your way." Tex was about to ask, 'what backup' when a bestial roar cut through the sound of weapons fire. Tex felt himself grin, as a scaly green blur with glowing red eyes, shot past his position.

"Well. . . now I just feel sorry for those poor bastards." Tex remarked with a grim chuckle. As the gunfire lessened amid panicked shouting, followed swiftly by screaming. Slamming a new magazine into place, Tex leaned out from behind his hiding place. Even as inured to gratuitous violence as he was, Tex winced. As he watched the crocodilian humanoid that was his teammate split a man nearly in half with a swipe of his claws. Blood and viscera showering down around him, as the figure pulled his Cutter rifle from his back and shot three terror stricken men into pieces. "Jeeze Brutus, leave some for the rest of-." Tex halted mid sentence as he heard the sound of a weapon being cocked nearby. "Aw, shit." He stated, as the terrorist whom had just rounded the corned of a nearby building, aimed his rifle at Tex from near point blank range.

In his head, the world seemed to slow around Tex as he considered his options. Dodging was out, there was no way he'd be fast enough even if he wasn't a roided-out beefcake carrying enough military hardware to take down a small army. Shooting his assailant was also out, he'd never get his gun into position before being riddled with bullets. He couldn't run for the same reason he couldn't dodge, and there was fuck-all cover between him and his soon-to-be executioner. No matter how you looked at it, this sorry excuse for a backwater pirate had lucked into having Tex dead to rights.

"Don't suppose there's any way we could talk this out? I don't mind being cloned, but Hawk's 'I told you so's' are the worst." The masked soldier didn't answer as he raised his rifle to his shoulder. Only to fall to the ground in several steaming pieces, as a brilliantly glowing crescent of energy carved through him from behind. A moment later, the air shimmered, as a short attractive redhead with a superior smirk appeared seemingly out of thin air. Holstering her energy blade as she offered her hand to Tex.

"If you don't like my lectures, maybe you should try not dying." Hawk remarked, her tone amused despite its clipped professionalism.

"Yeah, yeah." Tex replied with a grin as he allowed his teammate to help him to his feet. "I'll keep that in mind. What's our status?" Tex's question was neatly punctuated by a screaming terrorist running as fast as he could from the direction Brutus had gone, before being blown off his feet by a sniper shot to his center mass.

"Well, given that by my estimations that was the last survivor, I'd say our status is: all wrapped up and ready to extract." Tex chuckled in response. Just as a dark skinned woman carrying a sniper rifle walked out from behind a junked starship hull pockmarked with bullet holes.

"Too bad. I was just starting to hit my stride." Flint remarked, as she sauntered forward.

"Indeed. Much glory has been won by our pack." Stated a deep growling voice. As Brutus arrived, his claws, head and front covered in blood. Tex nodded as he activated his comms with a grin.

"Alright then. Braton, beam us up." He stated. A moment later, the four members of Brute Force discorporated into motes of light amid rings of shining blue white energy.

Back in Jack's apartment, the mission end screen appeared on his TV, tallying his and Twilight's score. A perfect 12,000 out of 12,000. Leaning back on his couch, Jack grinned at his partner. His damaged face turning the friendly expression into what most would have considered a ghastly leer. Twilight however, just smiled back.

"Gotta say, I didn't think you'd wanna play Brutus and Tex." Jack remarked as he saved the game. Twilight arched an eyebrow.

"Oh? Why's that?" Jack shrugged.

"They're blunt instruments. They charge the enemy and blow them apart. With how smart you are, I just figured you'd naturally gravitate to a more tactical playstyle?" Twilight did her best to hide her blush at the compliment.

"Usually I would. But sometimes it's just fun to be a mindless juggernaut. It's kinda relaxing not having to think up a strategy beyond: 'obliterate everything in front of you'." Jack nodded.

"I can get behind that. Half the reason I play Beastmen is because they don't require a lot of thought. Wonton destruction has a weird Zen to it sometimes." Twilight nodded as she levitated her controller off to the side.

"So, what now?" She asked.

Jack did his best not to flinch at the question. Honestly, he'd been hoping to avoid it for as long as possible by keeping Twilight wrapped up in the game. It seemed however, that after three hours of play, that that was no longer an option. Jack's head whirled as he tried to think of something other than games to offer as an activity. Unconsciously reaching for his face as he cursed the series of events that all but forbade him from venturing outside. The small city he lived in was a smorgasbord of activities and restaurants, and the fact that he couldn't do any of them, while it had never bothered him before, now felt like the death knell of every dream he'd ever had.

Who was he kidding? Twilight was a Princess who could hang out with anycreature she wanted. What's more she loved to explore and acquire new knowledge and experiences. Why in the name of Celestia would she want to hang out in his apartment for her entire stay? Honestly, Jack and Twilight's friendship had been on borrowed time ever since they met. Every second ticking down to the moment Jack admitted to her that he'd never be able to take her on a proper da-adventure! Adventure was definitely the proper word! Not that 'D' word that was absolutely not going to happen because Twilight was a Princess whom could pick any male she wanted on two worlds for that so why would Jack even get his hopes up?

"Say, Jack?" Twilight spoke hesitantly. Oh, yeah here it was. The moment Twilight would suggest they leave the apartment, and Jack would have to say 'no' and they'd drift apart because he couldn't interact with her the way she deserved. Taking a deep breath, Jack braced himself.

"Yeah, Twilight?" Now it was Twilight's turn to take a deep breath. What she was about to suggest was unimaginably perilous. If she miscalculated it could end her and Jack's relationship before it even began! Steeling herself, she spoke as casually as she could, exerting every ounce of her will to avoid stuttering or allowing her tone to waver.

"Well. . . I'd really like to go out with you. Er-outside I mean! Certainly not on a date or anything like that! N-not that I don't think you're attractive! I just know you're uncomfortable going out and-." Stopping herself, Twilight inhaled deeply, motioning with her hoof toward herself before exhaling as she gestured in the opposite direction as if brushing away her stress. Once she had completed the motion, Twilight spoke in a calm measured tone. "What I'm trying to ask is: would you be comfortable going out if I used an illusion to mask your appearance?" Jack turned to stare at Twilight in apparent shock. Instantly causing every insecurity she'd just tamed to come roaring back.

"Oh no! He thinks I'm saying that he's ugly and don't want to be seen with him! Stupid Twilight! Why did you say that?! You could have just kept playing games with your crush and everything would have been FINE! But noooo, you had to be greedy and ask for something you KNEW he wasn't comfortable with and now he's going to hate-."

"THAT WOULD BE AWESOME!" Jack blurted out. Causing Twilight's train of thought to derail, crash into a fuel depot, and be incinerated in an explosive conflagration that could be seen from space. "Can you really do that?!" He asked, his expression as joyous as a foal on their first Hearthswarming as he placed his hands on Twilight's shoulders. Just as quickly however, he removed said hands as though he'd been burned and cleared his throat. "I mean. . . is that really an option?" Twilight, as soon as she was able to reorient her thoughts, resisted the urge to whoop in triumph. As she did her best to play it cool.

"Sure. The spell is a pretty simple one. I can make you look more or less however you want for as long as you want." Jack's smile would have likely scared the living daylights out of anycreature else, but Twilight could only feel her heart skip a beat as he replied.

"Let's do it."

Jack did not live in a big city. It was still a city, regardless of how much some might argue otherwise, but it was extremely small. Situated along the coast in the Northeastern US it had only three or four giant office buildings to its name, and none tall enough to qualify as a true skyscraper. Nevertheless it was a city, with crowded streets flanked by four or five story brick buildings containing apartments or office space from the second floor up, and various shops and restaurants at street level. Built some two hundred odd years ago, it had evolved to become a city with all the attractions of New York or Boston but with the general peace and quiet of the average small town.

All this ultimately meant that, while it saw more than its fair share of tourists, Equestrians were rare. Which meant that when Twilight, an honest to Celestia alicorn Princess and one of the most famous ponies in two universes, stepped out into the light of day, it caused a bit of a stir. It was slow at first, a shocked glance here, an open mouthed stare there. Thankfully Jack's apartment was in one of the nicer neighborhoods on the outskirts of the city center, so there was a good deal less foot traffic. The instant she reached the main thoroughfare of the city though, things dramatically intensified.

Glances and whispers turned to full-on stares and pointing. While shocked expressions became people scrambling to take photos and approach for autographs. Then the press arrived. The screeching of tires and honking of horns precipitated the appearance of dozens of reporters, some with camera crews in tow, surrounding Twilight and jamming microphones in her face demanding answers to half shouted questions. Why was she here? Was there an emergency? Was the United States finally joining the Alliance? What was her favorite flavor of smoothy? Was the government aware she was here?

Twilight, used to this as she was, honestly cursed herself for not adopting a disguise of her own. She had been so excited about finally going out on a proper date -even if they weren't calling it that- with Jack that she had completely forgotten about her outsized social status. Speaking of, where was Jack? They had gotten separated in the ensuing rush, and now she couldn't see him. Her answer, when it came, would go down in Twilight's memory as one of the most entertaining moments of her life.

"ZOG OFF YA' GITS!!" Spoke a gruff, and extremely bestial sounding voice, as a familiar figure shoved and elbowed his way to get in front of Twilight. Instantly, the entire crowd of reporters turned to look at the man whom had placed himself squarely between the Princess and them. To Twilight, the man looked the same as he had back at her apartment, scars and all. To the crowd however, he looked like an athletically muscled, square jawed figure with jet black hair in a crewcut. Wearing jeans, a black T-shirt and a pair of black sneakers. And, as he began addressing the reporters, Twilight found herself having to bite the inside of her cheek nearly to the point of bleeding to avoid bursting out laughing. "Dis 'ere ain't no zoggen picture show! Wot?! Ain'cher nevah seen a Princess before?!" The reporters staggered back for a second, as the brutish looking man stared at them with an angry expression.

"I'm sorry. Who are you?" Asked a female reporter with an obvious note of disdain. Instantly the man fixed her with a look like she had just said something particularly insulting about his mother.

"Oo am I? OOO AM I?!! YOU LOT ZOGGIN SERIOUS?!!" He roared, instantly causing the reporter to take a step back. "I'M DA BOSS A DA BOSSES! DA GIT WIF ALLLLL DA DAKKA! DA BIGGEST MEANEST DEAD 'ARDEST LAD DIS SIDE OF DA MOUNTAINS! I'M THEE GRIMGORE -BLACK FIST- IRONHIDE!!" The surrounding reporters turned to each other, blinking in confusion.

"Who?" Asked a male reporter, clearly at a loss.

"Yeah, I've certainly never heard of you before." Remarked another suspiciously. To the concern of everyone save Twilight, whom was all but dying as she forced herself to keep a straight face, the man seemed to only grow more irate.

"ARE YOU GITS ZOGGEN SERIOUS?!! 'OW IN DA NAME A GORK DO YOU NOT KNOW ME?!!" He bellowed, spraying the reporters with spittle.

"Are you some kind of professional wrestler or something?" Asked another of the random gaggle of the press. Only to instantly start sweating as the clearly unhinged man got right up in his face with an expression of barely restrained fury.

"You makin' fun a me ya scrawny git?!" He growled in the back of his throat. His tone promising imminent violence.

"N-n-no." The poor reporter replied, clutching his notebook to his chest as he leaned away from the psychotic sounding figure who suddenly seemed to grow several inches taller.

"Good." The now hulking man replied in a low tone that sounded like a a stone block being crushed into gravel. "I'd hate ta have ta krump ya like the last gaggle a gits wot bothered my friend 'ere." He declared gesturing at Twilight, whom somehow was able to adopt a suitably relaxed, regal expression. As though merely mildly amused at her companion's antics.

"Now Grimmy, no need to terrorize the poor man. I'm sure he didn't mean any harm. Besides, that last group were coming at us with spears and jezails. I don't think a camera is quite on the same level." At that, every reporter present stared at Twilight with a goggle-eyed expression.

"Wait! So you really do know each other?!" Asked the original female reported, her tone one of stark disbelief. Twilight let out a demure giggle in reply.

"Why of course! Grimmy and I have been friends for years. He was a huge help when there was trouble in the badlands. He and his boys have worked with myself and the other Princesses on multiple occasions." The man 'Grimgore' nodded in agreement.

"Good times dat was! Like dat scrap we got into at Black Rock! You an Celly was on dah ridge, senden' da dakka down on dose ratty gits 'eads. While me and da boys got stuck in wif 'em. I still remembah when you blew da warlord up wit a fireball! 'Is 'ead went flyin'!" Here 'Grimgore' sniffed as he wiped a barely visible tear from his eye. "A ting a beauty dat was." At that Twilight chuckled fondly to the unconcealed nervousness of the various reporters.

"Well I had to do something to keep up after you took out those two Gray Seers. They hit you and the boys with that 'Cracks Call' spell and you all just walked it off like it was nothing!" As the man and pony shared a mutual laugh, one reporter spoke in a slightly doubtful voice.

"I've studied Equestria's geography pretty extensively, and I don't remember anyplace called 'Black Rock'?" Instantly Grimgore rounded on the man, all frivolity gone from his face.

"You lot callin' us liars?!" He snarled, his eyes bulging. Instantly the reporter's face went white. Suddenly noticing just how impressive Grimgore's musculature was. Did it get bulkier or was it just his imagination?

"N-no! Of course not! I-I'm sure I just read an out of date map!" He hastily declared. Grimgore held his gaze for a moment before nodding.

"Yeah. . . well anyway. You zoggers are interruptin' me an da Princess's day out! We was just off ta get a fungus beer, an den you 'umie gits up an ambushed uz!" Once more the female reporter spoke up in a tone of stark disbelief.

"Wait. . . do you mean to tell me that you and the Princess of Friendship are out on a date!" 'Grimgore' blinked in confusion at that.

"On a wot now?" He deadpanned, sounding suddenly lost. The reporter stared at the square jawed man before her in bafflement.

"A date? You know? A romantic liaison?" 'Grimgore' suddenly narrowed his gaze.

"A zoggin' wot? Lee-a-zon? Wot in da name a Mork izzat?! Dat some kinda new dakka I ain't 'eard about?" The reporter stared at the strange man, whom she was now convinced was completely insane, in disbelief.

"It's. . . you know? The birds and the bees?!" 'Grimgore' furrowed his brow as he frowned.

"Only birds an bees I evah seen belong to dat lot 'a pointy-eared forest gits. An me Luna an da boys burned der stupid big tree to da ground ages ago. Mighta' gone a bit ovaboard wit dat one, but eh, dey shoulden't a shot me favorite squig. Wot? Dey back fer anotha go? Cause I'm always ready fer da next WAAGH!" At this point the entire group of reporters started backing away from the clearly delusional madman as he roared the last word at full volume. However, one couldn't resist asking another question.

"What's a, sorry, a 'Waaa'?" Instantly 'Grimgore' stared at the man as though mortally offended.

"A wot? No no no ya zoggin git! It's WAAGH!" He clarified, shouting the word even louder then before. "Ya gotta say it wif con-convi-convic ah zog it! What's dat word Twilight?!" Twilight gave a beneficent smile.

"Conviction." She replied promptly.

"Roight, dat! Da WAAGH's not ta be disrespected! Ya eiver say it wif everfing ya got or ya don't say nuffing!" The reporter nodded, more to placate the obviously unstable man than because he understood.

"Ok but. . . what is it?" 'Grimgore' rolled his eyes as he replied.

"Zoggin runts dees days! Nevah heard a da WAAGH?! Dis iz why you gits need ta join da Alliance! Ya don't pay yer runtheards enuff teef an den before ya know it da runts ain't even nevah heard a da WAAGH! Next fing ya know dey don't even know ow ta club a stunty or da propah way ta kick a gobbo!" Here 'Grimgore' shook his head. "It's a roight shame wot's 'appinen ta dis country." Here though, 'Grimgore' suddenly shot the gaggle of reporters a disturbingly cheerful smile. "Well ta day's yer lucky day! Cause ol' uncle Grimgore is gonna show ya da propa way ta WAAGH! Just like my ol' runtheard showed me when I was a runt! First! Ya take a BIIIIIIG bref! Fill up ya insides wif all da air ya can!" Suiting actions to words, 'Grimgore' took a deep breath to demonstrate before letting it out and continuing.

"Now! Next fing! Ya get angry. An I'm talkin' REALLY angry! Like, ya just marched fer two weeks in da rain ta get ta a good scrap only ta find out when ya get der dat it was all some trick by da spiky pointy-ears and der aint nuffin der ta scrap wiv but a bunch of zoggin af dead umie farmers OO AIN'T EVEN GOT ANYFING GOOD TA DRINK!!! Like dat mad." The reporters stared at the unhinged and wildly gesturing man in a state of stupefaction as they tried and failed to decode his ranting. However 'Grimgore' was already continuing his instructions. "Den, ya start da chant. An while ya do, ya fink of all da smashin' and krumpin' yous gonna do when ya get hold a dem pointy-ear gits! Twilight! You wanna 'elp me show em?" Twilight, despite having to once more bite her cheek to avoid showing her true feelings, nodded.

"Of course Grimmy. Just like we did in Naggarond!" 'Grimgore smiled in reply.

"Oi! Dat takes me back. But yeah, just like dat! Ready?" As the reporters watched, half convinced they were hallucinating, Princess Twilight Sparkle and 'Grimgore' stood and faced each other before starting to chant.

"Ere we go, ere we go, ere we go, ere we go, ere we go, ere we go. . ." It started out just below the volume of normal speech, but swiftly grew in intensity.

"ERE WE GO, ERE WE GO, ERE WE GO, ERE WE GO, ERE WE GO, ERE WE GO. . ." Louder and louder the pair repeated the odd chant. Seeming to grow more agitated with every passing second.

"ERE WE GO, ERE WE GO, ERE WE GO, ERE WE GO, ERE WE GO, ERE WE GO. . ." Now the pair were positively roaring the words, stamping their feet and hooves in time with it.

"ERE WE GO, ERE WE GO, ERE WE GO, ERE WE GO, ERE WE GO, ERE WE GO. . ." On and on the chant went, building and building as the reporters grew more and more worried, till finally. . .

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!" The explosive force of the battlecry rattled windows for hundreds of feet and brought the whole city to a standstill as the citizens turned their heads this way and that wondering where the berserk hoard of Vikings that clearly were attacking were. By the time the last echo's of the thunderous shout had faded Twilight and Jack were alone on the street. Barely able to stand as they leaned against each other absolutely howling with laughter. As the last of the news vans peeled away with screeching tires in a cloud of metaphorical dust.